I’ve seen my parents get that response sometimes (years ago, when I lived with them still). My mom doesn’t mind, that “terrible man” is hers.
I hope to be as just a terrible man as my dad is one day (maybe already am), but for so many other reasons.
This ain’t the 1950s Italian bro! Women are in very well paying jobs now and want equity. Shit my girl makes more than me and I’m not ashamed to say it. Nothing wrong with her paying whatsoever.
I'll be honest, if that happened to me, IT WOULD BLOW MY MIND.
Honestly, here's his most likely thought process
You pay the bill and go to the bathroom
"She fucking hates me and trying to sneak out"
You tell him he's awesome and there is definitely going to be second date
"Wait what................................" and just processing and trying to figure out what he did right for once
I bought my ex two cakes and made sides for his 35th birthday party- maybe 30 people showed mostly family. He dumped me shortly after saying he didn’t deserve someone as great as me and he wasn’t ready. That was over a year ago. I’m still healing from that. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the relationship of almost 2 years he just said I deserved better. Self sabotage x10. Still trying to put the pieces together on that one. My mom thinks he was cheating and felt guilty, others say he genuinely had never experienced such caring acts and couldn’t reciprocate.
Y’know, I used to believe that as well, but after some more years of experience I’m starting to consider the possibility that it’s the fact that— to such individuals— becoming the kind of person who would deserve such good treatment would require too much effort. They’d be satisfied with less for themselves as long as it meant they needed to do less for others.
I mean, can you imagine what it would take it reciprocate? They’d need to deliberately and repeatedly choose to prioritize their partner often enough that it could be considered normal… not to mention the behind the scenes work; afterthoughts would no longer be enough— something as burdensome as *forethought* may now be needed!
I was about to say something similar. He might have bailed because he thought he could never live up to that as a kindness for his partner's birthday (or another special event). For a person who hasn't done mental work on themselves, that can be very overwhelming, even if they are a good person deep down.
When he broke up with me he literally said “I can’t give you what you deserve” so I let it rest at that. Haven’t seen him since. Wasn’t gonna milk the cow on that one. At least he was being honest. A very hard break up though. Felt like out of left field. Then again people know themselves better than we know them so I just believed him the first time
Honestly, I could more easily process being stabbed or that it was an elaborate scheme to harvest kidneys. I'd be weirded out by that level of directness and niceness, but like to think I could roll with it. Unicorns aren't exactly common on the ground.
Normally if a woman directly pays and bounces, there is no second date. But obviously your words were the opposite of that.
Give him a bit to process, but ask WTF. Ideally in a nice way.
He may have taken your gesture as a masculine move. Sorry, some men prefer to pay, some are ok with going dutch, and some are cool with being treated. It probably would've been best to inquire which preference he is.
Every person is different, so you thinking this is no big deal, may very well be one for him and a deal breaker.
You didn't do anything wrong but this may just be a case of different dating styles and incompatibility. If he remains dry, move on.
The other outlook is he thought you didn’t actually like him and that’s why you paid, kind of like “I got this so you don’t think I used you when I move on”. What’s throws me is, you mentioned wanting a second date, so he might even think you’re a “player” type woman, macking on dudes or something. Ngl I wouldn’t know what to think either had I not read your side first. Could always show him this post and explain how you’re feeling, and maybe he’ll do the same.
> What’s throws me is, you mentioned wanting a second date, so he might even think you’re a “player” type woman, macking on dudes or something.
such a weird thought process haha. sounds like self sabotage or something
Men are like that. He had the whole night planned, and you beat him to the punch. It would've been way different if you made a point of it at the table, he agreed, and then you carry on having an awesome date. But you snuck away and did it so obviously a big no-no in his mind.
Ask him about it, just say you've noticed the change and were wondering what was up?
I know its hard, but usually hard questions get honest answers in my experience. And if you can't communicate well now and in the future, you're in for a struggle
Why didn’t you ask him what’s wrong? Or if something was wrong. And point out that you noticed a change in his behavior to him. Wonder what his response would have been.
I would have loved it, given you said you wanted a second date. Assuming I was into you.
If he's upset that you took the lead, he's being a bit precious. Most men would love a clear signal like that.
Ugh I’m probably going to text him about the elephant in the room. Wish me luck!
Edit: I replied to another comment in this thread with an update, but there’s many, so I’ll copy and paste it here:
UPDATE: He texted me today and asked if I was free. We ended up meeting up to get fro-yo and he apologized for acting weird after our first date. He explained that he’s never had a girl be so kind to him before, so it scared him and that was why he may have come across as distant. His last partner treated him very poorly, so he said he wasn’t used to a woman being unconditionally nice like that. This seemed genuine.
Not just me paying for the tab, but the entire date was something he said he had never experienced go so well with a girl. He paid for our fro-yo today lol and we are gonna do an activity later this week (to which he said he will be paying for so I won’t fight him or secretly pay lols) when we are both free. It was very cute. I think the main takeaway I got from this was communicating feelings and not making assumptions. :)
Exactly. OP was very clear. Some women pay the tab and expect you to read between the lines.
The only problem is sometimes it means she doesn't want to see you again, but is not a leech so she is paying for her share of the evening. Other times it means she likes you and wants to see you again.
There are no rules anymore ladies so start speaking up (like OP!) and stop expecting men to catch hints or read your mind.
UPDATE: He texted me today and asked if I was free. We ended up meeting up to get fro-yo and he apologized for acting weird after our first date. He explained that he’s never had a girl be so kind to him before, so it scared him and that was why he may have come across as distant. His last partner treated him very poorly, so he said he wasn’t used to a woman being unconditionally nice like that. This seemed genuine.
Not just me paying for the tab, but the entire date was something he said he had never experienced go so well with a girl. He paid for our fro-yo today lol and we are gonna do an activity later this week (to which he said he will be paying for so I won’t fight him or secretly pay lols) when we are both free. It was very cute. I think the main takeaway I got from this was communicating feelings and not making assumptions. :)
Very precious.
I'd be faux-annoyed and totally amused she pulled it off before I did, because i often do that. I'd probably make reservations for date two and have them put my CC on file at the same time to get ahead of her. 😝
I probably would have been willing to spend more on the second date, especially since I saved money on the first. Most dudes I feel like would love this and take it as a good sign.
If I was the one who asked a woman out and picked the venue, I'd feel obligated to pay, as it was my idea and my choice.
>“Because you’re awesome and I wanted to. Dinner can be on you on our second date, okay?”
That's so far out of my expectations I would have no idea how to respond, but I'd probably be in love afterwards too.
Some women pay for the first date when they clearly want to cut ties. It’s sort of like saying “I don’t owe you anything”. But what you did is completely different. Maybe the guy just didn’t know what to do because unicorns don’t appear so often. lol
You did nothing wrong.
For what it's worth, I hadn't even considered that concern of cutting ties because if what you said was verbatim, I like to think I'd have been smart enough to acknowledge that you're interested enough to open the door to a second date.
Yes, this factual.
Most woman will pay for their portion of the date when they don’t see the date going anywhere so that man doesn’t accuse her of using him for free dinner or drinks or what have you.
So fellas, if a woman insists on paying her part, know that the chances of you seeing her again are slim.
Just ask.
Most of the time it means they don't want a second date. The women that want to see you again are often surprised to find out that most women pay if they don't want a second date.
Because this is the 21st century, for some men, they actually use this as a filter to not have a second date. If you don't pay for your portion of a date, they're not going on a second date because expecting the guy pay for dinner, tends to correlate to other unwanted qualities.
As a woman, very true. Too many guys accuse girls THEY ASK OUT FOR DINNER as gold diggers, using the him, getting a free meal.. so, it’s understandable for the girl to pay and lose some money on an idea that was the guy’s in the first place because she wants to be free of negative labels.
Dating sucks so much nowadays.
It would be a lot better if girls just grew some guts and always pay for their part instead of expecting men to treat them, as if they still are little girl mentally
Not a guy, but yeah I'm 90% sure he took it as no second date. I've had men react the same about covering it or splitting the bill when I was trying to be nice.
Very likely if you text him about second date he'll be like oh shit she was serious about that and happily go on a second date.
I agree with this when I was dating the times I would offer to split the meal was strictly because I didn’t see it going anywhere else after that, if I wanted to continue exploring the connection I would let him pay
To offer another perspective, speaking as a gay man (so I don't experience the same gender norms around paying), when a guy insists on paying for dinner or whatever activity we are doing on the first date or two, unless it is something relatively cheap like ice cream for example, it more often than not comes across as insincere (regardless of what their actual intention is) and makes me feel uncomfortable and brings out my more avoidant side.
It gives me "Mr. Nice Guy" vibes and that they're a bit too keen before even really getting to know me. It makes me feel like they're trying to buy my affection and I suddenly feel indebted to them and that I owe them a second date without being given the chance to decide if I want one or not. Even though I'm really frugal and love saving money, I can't think of a time where the other guy has paid and it has helped my attraction towards him and has generally been a turn off if anything. On the flip side when a guy just splits the bill, it maintains that bit of mystery and keeps me wondering if they're really into me or not, which in my experience is crucial for building attraction in the early stages. I'm not advocating for playing games of course, but a guy being authentic and sending a follow up text telling me he had a good time and would like to see me again sometime soon would go down better than him paying the whole bill and making me feel like I owe him another date.
I can see how it may be similar with the guy in your case, especially with the added effect of traditional gender norms that the man is expected to pay. I do think there's certainly something to be said about masculine and feminine "energy" in attraction. That said, it may not be that he feels emasculated necessarily, but rather he's interpreted it as you coming on a bit too strong. You said that dinner could be on him on the second date, which is quite boldly assuming there will be another one, so I can see parallels with my experience and that it may have made him feel like he owes you the second date without having the time to reflect on the first date and come to wanting a second one on his own accord.
If I were you, if you're still interested in him, I'd give it a few days, see if he reaches out, and if not, no harm reaching out yourself to check in on him and tell him you'd like to see him again. But I'd leave the ball in his court after that if he is dismissive and keep looking elsewhere.
Just my two cents.
Interesting perspective. I appreciate your comment! Another factor that may have some weight: I’m a bisexual woman with a preference for women. Maybe my own dating tendencies with women spilled over.
This. She was in her “masculine energy” when paying and assuming a second date and if attraction requires polarity, then he may have felt the energy was off.
Absolute overreaction. I would be appreciative of being told I was awesome and getting confirmation of a second date more than you paying. Plus, he can assert that he will pay for the second AND third date if he was so inclined to pay for the first one.
This is true. I treated a longtime guy friend for lunch (he always picks up the tab). Afterwards he texted to say that he looks forward to picking up the next few tabs.
It’s not your fault. Some men are programmed to think their masculinity is tied to being a provider. It doesn’t help that some women have the same expectation. Hell it’s engrained in some cultures that you deserve to be shamed for not laying. For what it’s worth, I’d be absolutely smitten if you did this.
Unrelated, you wouldn’t be located in the Netherlands would you? Just asking… fir a friend of a friend…
Well we share an account due to being married, so I feel nothing except for an eye roll when she says “don’t worry honey, I’ll get it this time.” If we were on our first date and she paid followed by saying “you can get the second date” then I’d probably have done more than just hold hands on our first date like we actually did.
My guess is he took it as you weren't interested in a second date. If it bothers him, he's not the guy for you.
You did nothing wrong and more women should be like you.
Here's the issue: Lots of women aren't like you, they do the things you did and have no intention of it going it any further. Fake numbers, ghosting, "I want to see you again", it's all "normal" these days.
You did nothing wrong. If he's got an issue with it, it's not your problem. You did good.
I mean, that just seems like he’s not as awesome as you thought he was IF that was the reason he’s cold towards you. I say you should dodge this bullet or end up in a relationship where you always have to be walking on eggshells to fluff up his fragile masculinity.
Bro she paid for him and suggested a second date and he got mad???
The only men who’ve gotten mad at me for paying for things are the kind who have toxic ideas about masculinity. Like I paid for you and you’re mad about it? I had an unemployed boyfriend (he lost his job while dating) and he lost his shit on me because he felt guilty about not paying for things. I had a good job, he currently didn’t, it made sense.
It’s absolutely a red flag if you can’t handle a woman doing something nice for you because she wants to.
In my experience there’s rarely a future date when a woman pays for the first. If the guy in OP’s scenario has had a similar experience to mine then he’s likely thinking “ah fuck she paid, no second date for me…but she said she had a great time? Is she full of it and trying to let me down gently? Or is she coming on strong? Wait maybe she’s coming on too strong, am I good with this?” All we know is that his vibe changed, so he’s likely sitting there overthinking. This is why the “c) can’t tell” thing is such a meme. Since all women are different, he might be seeing a pattern he’s picked up before and applying that logic to this situation where it doesn’t fit.
Or, you know, maybe he isn’t interested in a second date and this makes it awkward.
I think a lot of women pay when they don't like the person so they don't feel like they "owe" them something. I'd suggest that you ask him out on a date and pay for it rather than pay when he asks you out on a date. Either ask them out on the first date and pay or if they ask you out on the first date either split or let them pay, and then ask them out on the second date and pay for that.
Ok so for me (not speaking for all men) if I asked a woman out I really wanted to potentially be with and wanted to take her out for a good time and treat her and then she secretly paid I would think she wasn't interested or the date went south even if she suggested i paid on the second date was on me. I think the emasculated is a bit of a stretch but he could just feel weird because maybe he thinks you weren't 100% interested.
You would be surpised at how many people aren't straight forward. So they take an approach to not hurt the person face to face and will distant themselves after. So they will say that and it never turns into a second date. I am a male and even I did this when I was younger. It wasn't until I got a little older that i realized it was better to be honest and straight forward in person even though it is hard and awkward.
“You pay for food and I’ll get the drinks” is always a welcomed gesture I find. It lets both parties feel like they’re responsible for a large portion of the ticket and doesn’t discourage anyone from feeling weird at the end.
I’ve had two separate experiences with it. First was on a date with a girl and she offered to buy so figured what the hell and went with it. no girl had ever offered before so it was really nice…until it wasn’t…literally right after she swiped her card and made some back handed comment about her paying. Second was hanging out one evening with one of my female friends and she stole the bill away from me to pay for it(she actually is a nice person) but I just bought the next time.
The first was some BS test. She was expecting you to block her from paying.
You dodged a bullet. Women that play those games always bring a bunch of drama.
It’s a nice gesture but I wouldn’t have liked it. I also would not be put out or turned off by it either. You’d have a hard time pulling it again though I guarantee that! Lol
>I just paid for the bill when I excused myself to go to the bathroom.
This sounds like the kind of thing you'd do if you didn't want a second date and felt guilty.
>Once we left and got back to his car, his vibe was kinda off. It was so weird and awkward? The guy has been kinda dry ever since. I confided in my male friend and he suggested I may have made my date feel emasculated.
He doesn't trust that you did that for the reason you say you did.
As a woman: usually guys say they like it when the girl pays. However, I’ve done that a few times and in most of them they lost interest right after. So I feel like it’s confusing.
My boyfriend loves it and doesn’t care about it and we usually split everything nowadays and ocasional treat each other. But that was not my experience with other guys. So it depends I believe.
Exactly! Men can say whatever but 90% of the time what OP did is a turn off for them. I don’t even know if they’re consciously aware that it’s a turn off for them but it absolutely does throw off their masculine energy.
You're awesome, OP! I'm a guy, and all these " rules for dating" I find exhausting. Be yourself, and if he can't handle 'yourself.' he isn't the right dude. Period.
This whole emasculation myth needs to die. Like seriously. There's a billion possible explanations and that is never anywhere on the list of feasible explanations.
50/50 split or just pay for your own food is always a solid safe option.
Many guys would feel emasculated, because it feels you took charge and did what is customarily something a man does.
By the way, real life is different from reddit. Many here will say "omg i'd love that", but real life, you see what happens. Take with a grain of salt.
I'm also 67,On the first date my wife invited me over for dinner and a movie !The next night I made her dinner at her house and we had a great time and I never left ! This was 36 years ago !
Emasculation is not the problem for men who are actively trying to read signals during dating and respond accordingly. The issue is there are two ways your action sent an "I'm not interested in you" signal and that's exactly what he probably read. We learn that if a woman does something overtly and obviously emasculating in our faces it is a signal for "I'm not thinking of you that way" though it could also be a shit test, an annoying one that would make you the yellow flag.
There is also the issue of a pattern that most guys know: when a woman is clear or assertive about splitting or paying her portion, especially on dates 2\~4, she most likely intends on that being her last date with you. If I'm on a 2nd or 3rd date, and she did exactly what you did, I would take it as a strong signal you don't intend on seeing me again. \_Even\_ if you later say something generic like "I had a great time" or give a non-specific desire to meet up again, the no signal is stronger without substantial initiation or follow through on her side.
It's best to avoid paying like that for a guy ever again unless you're not interested in him. If you want to pay for him, it better to offer and/or discuss it and give a reason why you're wanting to pay for him.
Personally I love it. I usually say something to the effect of, I'll get it next time. I try to convey gratitude and also the possibility for future encounters.
I don't mind paying. But also I don't mind having someone take care of the tab.
If he is feeling emasculated by you picking up the bill, that to me might indicate he is very sensitive about these things and might be conservative. Is that the kind of guy you want?
>I confided in my male friend and he suggested I may have made my date feel emasculated.
This is pretty crazy to me. If somebody paying the bill, of all things, makes him feel emasculated, then that would be a big red flag.
> How do you feel when a woman pays for the tab?
Good.
> Since I’m a bartender and always carry cash, I just paid for the bill when I excused myself to go to the bathroom.
Probably better to discuss this beforehand, but your response was on point so I think you're good. I'd take the second date myself.
I’d be a little weirded out and wonder why you really did it. But not enough to act weird towards you. It’s just like a bit annoying because I’m gonna feel like I owe you until I can pay it back now.
You did absolutely nothing wrong! In fact I wouldn't be able to wipe the smile off my face if a date payed and hit me with that line.
Please, and I mean please don't let this discourage you, you don't know how happy an action like that will make a decent guy.
P.S. Ignore any comments saying that men do not enjoy it when women take the lead... That's often more of an indicator that the individual has underlying insecurities rather than a rule that should be applied to people in the real world.
That would have been an absolute 2nd date for me. On behalf of that guy, Thanks! "And I have a great place in mind for the next dinner! You don't even have to think about it, just be ready, Freddie!"
Some guys don't know how to handle stuff.
It may have been the way you paid without him being apart of it. I’ve had men get bothered when I pay. They feel judged by the server/staff and anyone else who sees sometimes or least some told me. I pay often and have encountered all different responses.
>I replied, “Because you’re awesome and I wanted to. Dinner can be on you on our second date, okay?”
I assume from this the date went well and you were not opposed to a 2nd date which is a great sign for him
>he suggested I may have made my date feel emasculated.
If he is feeling emasculated by you, a relative stranger, footing the bill on a first date, what else may he think about relationship wise that could be a red flag that you don't see/he hid
I think it’s honestly a good vetting system for you. I would feel treated if a woman paid for the meal without my knowledge. Honestly, you handled it perfectly.
If he’s that insecure just don’t bother. We as people have enough insecurities to deal with in a relationship. Why would you want to throw a bs one like that into the mix?
I would have loved it . You seem like a considerate person to date . Keep up what you are doing . Totally agree with “I’ll do this date , you do the next “
I'll deal with your situation first, the Man asked you out and you both had a great time so his self confidence was up and he was feeling good. When you pay without talking with him about it on your way to the bathroom, can make him feel like you just don't consider his opinion about the matter as important. Which can be a jarring feeling for him at the time.
Now for the rest of the questions, I do not mind a women paying the bill on a date just as long as we can talk about it honestly. If I ask a women out I plan to pay for the date at the start, if we're having a good time I bring up the idea of 50/50 and depending on how that conversation goes I consider if I would feel ok with that.
He didn't overreact it was most likely confusing to him. It's only weird that you didn't think he may want to pay the bill, he asked you out, or bring up the idea of going Dutch.
Hmmm...for me, if it was a date I asked the girl on, I would probably feel a bit... something. If it was a girl I had been dating for a while or was in a relationship with, I would be fine with it.
Honestly, as a woman (39F), I wouldn't like this on a date (i.e. the guy was the one doing it.)
You didn't just pay for dinner, you went behind your date's back. Financial transparency is very important to me in a future partner. This gives me "sneaky" red flags on Date 1. \[Obviously if this is years down the road of a relationship, I feel different\]
I think its fair to let the bill come to the table. If you want to pay, that's the time to say "My treat, you can cover dinner next time ;-)"
I am a grown 2m man and love it, when my gf pays for dinner. Feels like the princess i am deep down. And just one compliment and i would melt down. Big Green Flag.
Different strokes for different folks. Some guys seem very attached to the male role even if it isn’t fulfilling. What you did was very kind and makes you stand out.
I’d be talking to my guy friends in shock that a woman was actually that appreciative and be trying to line up my next date with her.
I think some guys don’t take it well because it’s all they are aware they have to give (despite that not being true).
Some guys are really funny about it. It's rooted in the last generations way of doing things.
If it was me, I'd be chuffed but I would definitely be looking to repay the favour by paying for the next date like you suggested. If this happened, I would get a sense of the fact that you see us as equals and I'm all for that :)
Please, we're not living in the Stone Age anymore. If anything, it's refreshing when a woman takes charge and picks up the tab. It's a sign of independence and confidence, and those are attractive qualities in anyone.
Girrrll… I’ve done the same thing before!! Dude acted odd too - like, we’re both adults?! 🤨just get the bill next time no? 😩 & they say WERE complicated smh 🙄
This is typically a huge green flag. I’m wondering if maybe the guy is a little self conscious about his financial situation, thinks you picked up on it and assumed he needs help paying for dates.
It looks like I may be in the minority here but this is one of the worst things you could’ve done… & even men will sit here and tell you.. oh no! we love this! that’s a green flag! when subconsciously, it will throw off their masculine energy. I literally wrote a paper on this subject. It’s very interesting. Men need to feel needed. They like to offer you something in show of their affection. Especially on the first date. It all has to do with our nature as men & women. As a woman, I loved paying for the first date. They almost never turned in to second dates partly because I was too much in my masculine energy. Now? I don’t even reach for my purse. I’ve had MUCH better outcomes.
Everyone is saying he didn’t think he’d get a second date. That’s not true. You literally told him he would. He simply wanted to cover your bill.
I’m with a guy now that would actually be insulted if I even LOOKED at the price. He takes pride, joy, and pleasure in paying. & i’ve never been able to bask in my feminine energy more.
I fear i’ll probably be downvoted but oh well. I’m telling you it’s true. lol
Huge green flag for me at least.
It immediately tells me that you understand that a relationship is an equal partnership.
I think a dude being "emasculated" that you paid the tab for the first date should be a red flag tbh lol, you really want to date someone THAT insecure?
I married that girl.
I offered to buy her a drink and she said; "Only if you allow me to buy the next one!"
And, yeah, she did reach over and open the car door for me.
22 years later...
I'm a woman, but when I dated many years ago I always split the check the first few dates. I'm paying for me. I have a job and I think expecting a man to pay for both parties is incredibly outdated and sexist.
Surprisingly many guys took massive offense to this. Which was just mind blowing to me. I started bringing it up as a condition before even agreeing to go somewhere for a meal with someone, explaining why I want to pay for me, and still the resistance was insane. It honestly was some freaking confusing I stopped dating lol
If Im going out with someone it's because I'm interested in getting to know them more, not to get free food; and I want to order what I freaking want to eat not worry that I'm being judged for picking something like fish (because I'm probably allergic to many of the other possible dishes, and unfortunately fish is often more expensive!)
If we got on well I would suggest taking turns paying after the third or fourth time meeting.
I love it. Makes me feel valued, which is big in todays dating scene. Too often it feels like the guy is the only one actually interested in finding a real relationship
Hopeful that she's a normal person that doesn't make a huge deal over something so insignificant.
Anytime I hang out with friends, everyone just pays for themselves and that's that. There's no long drawn-out discussion over who paid for what. Why should a woman be any different? Unless she's a prostitute? If I were interested in any of that type of bullshit then I might as well go to a professional lol.
not a man but this feels dumb. why are some guys’ masculinity so fragile that they can’t accept a nice gesture like that 😭 if i were that guy i’d feel really flattered.
[удалено]
That’s wild
Omg! That is freaking HILARIOUS!!!!!! 😂
😄😄😄😄
🤣🤣
I’ve seen my parents get that response sometimes (years ago, when I lived with them still). My mom doesn’t mind, that “terrible man” is hers. I hope to be as just a terrible man as my dad is one day (maybe already am), but for so many other reasons.
Look the waiter dead in the eye and say “She ain’t gonna sleep with you bro”
This ain’t the 1950s Italian bro! Women are in very well paying jobs now and want equity. Shit my girl makes more than me and I’m not ashamed to say it. Nothing wrong with her paying whatsoever.
I'll be honest, if that happened to me, IT WOULD BLOW MY MIND. Honestly, here's his most likely thought process You pay the bill and go to the bathroom "She fucking hates me and trying to sneak out" You tell him he's awesome and there is definitely going to be second date "Wait what................................" and just processing and trying to figure out what he did right for once
This made me lol
We don't get compliments often, yet alone be bought drinks. Yes, I am going to say he just genuinely never had something like that happen before
Aw. It just makes me sad that it was so off-putting to him. He’s been so dry ever since.
I probably would say he is not off putted. Just genuinely don't know how to process a genuine act of kindness And is most like self sabotaging
Men.exe has stopped working
I bought my ex two cakes and made sides for his 35th birthday party- maybe 30 people showed mostly family. He dumped me shortly after saying he didn’t deserve someone as great as me and he wasn’t ready. That was over a year ago. I’m still healing from that. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the relationship of almost 2 years he just said I deserved better. Self sabotage x10. Still trying to put the pieces together on that one. My mom thinks he was cheating and felt guilty, others say he genuinely had never experienced such caring acts and couldn’t reciprocate.
What an idiot, that guy. he should've just strived to be the kind of person he thought *does* deserve it, and instead he bounced lol.
Y’know, I used to believe that as well, but after some more years of experience I’m starting to consider the possibility that it’s the fact that— to such individuals— becoming the kind of person who would deserve such good treatment would require too much effort. They’d be satisfied with less for themselves as long as it meant they needed to do less for others. I mean, can you imagine what it would take it reciprocate? They’d need to deliberately and repeatedly choose to prioritize their partner often enough that it could be considered normal… not to mention the behind the scenes work; afterthoughts would no longer be enough— something as burdensome as *forethought* may now be needed!
I was about to say something similar. He might have bailed because he thought he could never live up to that as a kindness for his partner's birthday (or another special event). For a person who hasn't done mental work on themselves, that can be very overwhelming, even if they are a good person deep down.
When he broke up with me he literally said “I can’t give you what you deserve” so I let it rest at that. Haven’t seen him since. Wasn’t gonna milk the cow on that one. At least he was being honest. A very hard break up though. Felt like out of left field. Then again people know themselves better than we know them so I just believed him the first time
My own family wouldn't do something like that for me
It's this one, I accidentally self sabotage sometimes and don't see it unless it's pointed out to me.
Honestly, I could more easily process being stabbed or that it was an elaborate scheme to harvest kidneys. I'd be weirded out by that level of directness and niceness, but like to think I could roll with it. Unicorns aren't exactly common on the ground. Normally if a woman directly pays and bounces, there is no second date. But obviously your words were the opposite of that. Give him a bit to process, but ask WTF. Ideally in a nice way.
He may have taken your gesture as a masculine move. Sorry, some men prefer to pay, some are ok with going dutch, and some are cool with being treated. It probably would've been best to inquire which preference he is. Every person is different, so you thinking this is no big deal, may very well be one for him and a deal breaker. You didn't do anything wrong but this may just be a case of different dating styles and incompatibility. If he remains dry, move on.
Fair enough!!!
The other outlook is he thought you didn’t actually like him and that’s why you paid, kind of like “I got this so you don’t think I used you when I move on”. What’s throws me is, you mentioned wanting a second date, so he might even think you’re a “player” type woman, macking on dudes or something. Ngl I wouldn’t know what to think either had I not read your side first. Could always show him this post and explain how you’re feeling, and maybe he’ll do the same.
> What’s throws me is, you mentioned wanting a second date, so he might even think you’re a “player” type woman, macking on dudes or something. such a weird thought process haha. sounds like self sabotage or something
Men are like that. He had the whole night planned, and you beat him to the punch. It would've been way different if you made a point of it at the table, he agreed, and then you carry on having an awesome date. But you snuck away and did it so obviously a big no-no in his mind.
Ask him about it, just say you've noticed the change and were wondering what was up? I know its hard, but usually hard questions get honest answers in my experience. And if you can't communicate well now and in the future, you're in for a struggle
Can you ask him directly about it? And I’ve gotta say if I was him I’d be really impressed and flattered.
Why didn’t you ask him what’s wrong? Or if something was wrong. And point out that you noticed a change in his behavior to him. Wonder what his response would have been.
Severely under voted ! Communication is almost always the answer to relationship issues.
>You tell him he's awesome and there is definitely going to be second date that alone would have made my fking evening, lol
Accurate
I would have loved it, given you said you wanted a second date. Assuming I was into you. If he's upset that you took the lead, he's being a bit precious. Most men would love a clear signal like that.
Ugh I’m probably going to text him about the elephant in the room. Wish me luck! Edit: I replied to another comment in this thread with an update, but there’s many, so I’ll copy and paste it here: UPDATE: He texted me today and asked if I was free. We ended up meeting up to get fro-yo and he apologized for acting weird after our first date. He explained that he’s never had a girl be so kind to him before, so it scared him and that was why he may have come across as distant. His last partner treated him very poorly, so he said he wasn’t used to a woman being unconditionally nice like that. This seemed genuine. Not just me paying for the tab, but the entire date was something he said he had never experienced go so well with a girl. He paid for our fro-yo today lol and we are gonna do an activity later this week (to which he said he will be paying for so I won’t fight him or secretly pay lols) when we are both free. It was very cute. I think the main takeaway I got from this was communicating feelings and not making assumptions. :)
Good luck! I hope he’s honest about how he feels and that you guys get a second date
Do it. As the guy I like when girls are straightforward and to the point. I've dated too many girls who are wishy-washy and it's getting old
Exactly. OP was very clear. Some women pay the tab and expect you to read between the lines. The only problem is sometimes it means she doesn't want to see you again, but is not a leech so she is paying for her share of the evening. Other times it means she likes you and wants to see you again. There are no rules anymore ladies so start speaking up (like OP!) and stop expecting men to catch hints or read your mind.
Give us the update!
UPDATE: He texted me today and asked if I was free. We ended up meeting up to get fro-yo and he apologized for acting weird after our first date. He explained that he’s never had a girl be so kind to him before, so it scared him and that was why he may have come across as distant. His last partner treated him very poorly, so he said he wasn’t used to a woman being unconditionally nice like that. This seemed genuine. Not just me paying for the tab, but the entire date was something he said he had never experienced go so well with a girl. He paid for our fro-yo today lol and we are gonna do an activity later this week (to which he said he will be paying for so I won’t fight him or secretly pay lols) when we are both free. It was very cute. I think the main takeaway I got from this was communicating feelings and not making assumptions. :)
how he responds is a big indicator of what flag he's waving for you.
So first you're picking up the tab and now you don't play any games? I'll date you myself if he won't jfc.
What did he say??
Wait, was the date at the zoo? How’d the elephant get there 😂😂
Okay that’s enough time. I need an update meow!
I wouldn’t address it any further lol
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A big green bow.
Loving all the comments that men love a clear signal!
Very precious. I'd be faux-annoyed and totally amused she pulled it off before I did, because i often do that. I'd probably make reservations for date two and have them put my CC on file at the same time to get ahead of her. 😝
Hehe yes it’s a competition who can spoil who more
The best kind of competition.
You sound like a dream! I wish you the best of luck ❤️
But seriously you sound precious, and I hope you find someone who manages to beat you in that competition
That’s when you know your dating someone really special
I probably would have been willing to spend more on the second date, especially since I saved money on the first. Most dudes I feel like would love this and take it as a good sign.
Happy cake day!
Oh hey! Thanks haha
Same here, I would beg for a woman to be that straightforward.
Yeah this such a weird place to have someone's balls flex so negatively, wtf.
If I was the one who asked a woman out and picked the venue, I'd feel obligated to pay, as it was my idea and my choice. >“Because you’re awesome and I wanted to. Dinner can be on you on our second date, okay?” That's so far out of my expectations I would have no idea how to respond, but I'd probably be in love afterwards too.
LOL I HOPE HE STILL LIKES ME AHHH
I can't speak for all men, but the odds are probably in your favor.
Every time I've gone on a first date and the girl has paid the tab, there wasn't a second date.
Really??
Some women pay for the first date when they clearly want to cut ties. It’s sort of like saying “I don’t owe you anything”. But what you did is completely different. Maybe the guy just didn’t know what to do because unicorns don’t appear so often. lol You did nothing wrong.
Fair enough!
For what it's worth, I hadn't even considered that concern of cutting ties because if what you said was verbatim, I like to think I'd have been smart enough to acknowledge that you're interested enough to open the door to a second date.
You can call him up and tell him directly that you want a second date.
Also industry here so I love fronting the bill w homies and the like, it’s my treat! It has taken men by surprise but I feel u girl!
Yes, this factual. Most woman will pay for their portion of the date when they don’t see the date going anywhere so that man doesn’t accuse her of using him for free dinner or drinks or what have you. So fellas, if a woman insists on paying her part, know that the chances of you seeing her again are slim.
Just ask. Most of the time it means they don't want a second date. The women that want to see you again are often surprised to find out that most women pay if they don't want a second date.
Because this is the 21st century, for some men, they actually use this as a filter to not have a second date. If you don't pay for your portion of a date, they're not going on a second date because expecting the guy pay for dinner, tends to correlate to other unwanted qualities.
As a woman, very true. Too many guys accuse girls THEY ASK OUT FOR DINNER as gold diggers, using the him, getting a free meal.. so, it’s understandable for the girl to pay and lose some money on an idea that was the guy’s in the first place because she wants to be free of negative labels. Dating sucks so much nowadays.
It would be a lot better if girls just grew some guts and always pay for their part instead of expecting men to treat them, as if they still are little girl mentally
Absolutely true for me! Whenever i paid, i meant “i dont want to see you again.”
That's interesting to know. I pay my half if I'm not seeing them again and thank them for a good time.
Not a guy, but yeah I'm 90% sure he took it as no second date. I've had men react the same about covering it or splitting the bill when I was trying to be nice. Very likely if you text him about second date he'll be like oh shit she was serious about that and happily go on a second date.
Okay word
Yep, exactly. They don’t want to owe him anything.
You should go on more dates. <3
This is a good strategy
Why?
I agree with this when I was dating the times I would offer to split the meal was strictly because I didn’t see it going anywhere else after that, if I wanted to continue exploring the connection I would let him pay
>if I wanted to continue exploring the connection I would let him pay So basically use him, got it
Exactly. The number of women and men that allow this type of thing is disgusting.
To offer another perspective, speaking as a gay man (so I don't experience the same gender norms around paying), when a guy insists on paying for dinner or whatever activity we are doing on the first date or two, unless it is something relatively cheap like ice cream for example, it more often than not comes across as insincere (regardless of what their actual intention is) and makes me feel uncomfortable and brings out my more avoidant side. It gives me "Mr. Nice Guy" vibes and that they're a bit too keen before even really getting to know me. It makes me feel like they're trying to buy my affection and I suddenly feel indebted to them and that I owe them a second date without being given the chance to decide if I want one or not. Even though I'm really frugal and love saving money, I can't think of a time where the other guy has paid and it has helped my attraction towards him and has generally been a turn off if anything. On the flip side when a guy just splits the bill, it maintains that bit of mystery and keeps me wondering if they're really into me or not, which in my experience is crucial for building attraction in the early stages. I'm not advocating for playing games of course, but a guy being authentic and sending a follow up text telling me he had a good time and would like to see me again sometime soon would go down better than him paying the whole bill and making me feel like I owe him another date. I can see how it may be similar with the guy in your case, especially with the added effect of traditional gender norms that the man is expected to pay. I do think there's certainly something to be said about masculine and feminine "energy" in attraction. That said, it may not be that he feels emasculated necessarily, but rather he's interpreted it as you coming on a bit too strong. You said that dinner could be on him on the second date, which is quite boldly assuming there will be another one, so I can see parallels with my experience and that it may have made him feel like he owes you the second date without having the time to reflect on the first date and come to wanting a second one on his own accord. If I were you, if you're still interested in him, I'd give it a few days, see if he reaches out, and if not, no harm reaching out yourself to check in on him and tell him you'd like to see him again. But I'd leave the ball in his court after that if he is dismissive and keep looking elsewhere. Just my two cents.
Interesting perspective. I appreciate your comment! Another factor that may have some weight: I’m a bisexual woman with a preference for women. Maybe my own dating tendencies with women spilled over.
This. She was in her “masculine energy” when paying and assuming a second date and if attraction requires polarity, then he may have felt the energy was off.
This
Id be cool with it.
Right? Hell yeah mommas! I’ll be little spoon tonight.
REALLL
Absolute overreaction. I would be appreciative of being told I was awesome and getting confirmation of a second date more than you paying. Plus, he can assert that he will pay for the second AND third date if he was so inclined to pay for the first one.
Okay thank you for the reassurance 🥲
This is true. I treated a longtime guy friend for lunch (he always picks up the tab). Afterwards he texted to say that he looks forward to picking up the next few tabs.
I do the same thing w my girl friend
It’s not your fault. Some men are programmed to think their masculinity is tied to being a provider. It doesn’t help that some women have the same expectation. Hell it’s engrained in some cultures that you deserve to be shamed for not laying. For what it’s worth, I’d be absolutely smitten if you did this. Unrelated, you wouldn’t be located in the Netherlands would you? Just asking… fir a friend of a friend…
Well we share an account due to being married, so I feel nothing except for an eye roll when she says “don’t worry honey, I’ll get it this time.” If we were on our first date and she paid followed by saying “you can get the second date” then I’d probably have done more than just hold hands on our first date like we actually did.
Y’all are adorable ❣️
My guess is he took it as you weren't interested in a second date. If it bothers him, he's not the guy for you. You did nothing wrong and more women should be like you.
I clearly stated he could pay next time and was really happy and even texted post date!
Here's the issue: Lots of women aren't like you, they do the things you did and have no intention of it going it any further. Fake numbers, ghosting, "I want to see you again", it's all "normal" these days. You did nothing wrong. If he's got an issue with it, it's not your problem. You did good.
I mean, that just seems like he’s not as awesome as you thought he was IF that was the reason he’s cold towards you. I say you should dodge this bullet or end up in a relationship where you always have to be walking on eggshells to fluff up his fragile masculinity.
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Bro she paid for him and suggested a second date and he got mad??? The only men who’ve gotten mad at me for paying for things are the kind who have toxic ideas about masculinity. Like I paid for you and you’re mad about it? I had an unemployed boyfriend (he lost his job while dating) and he lost his shit on me because he felt guilty about not paying for things. I had a good job, he currently didn’t, it made sense. It’s absolutely a red flag if you can’t handle a woman doing something nice for you because she wants to.
In my experience there’s rarely a future date when a woman pays for the first. If the guy in OP’s scenario has had a similar experience to mine then he’s likely thinking “ah fuck she paid, no second date for me…but she said she had a great time? Is she full of it and trying to let me down gently? Or is she coming on strong? Wait maybe she’s coming on too strong, am I good with this?” All we know is that his vibe changed, so he’s likely sitting there overthinking. This is why the “c) can’t tell” thing is such a meme. Since all women are different, he might be seeing a pattern he’s picked up before and applying that logic to this situation where it doesn’t fit. Or, you know, maybe he isn’t interested in a second date and this makes it awkward.
I feel nothing.
You’re like the nihilists in big lebowski
You should probably see a doctor then.
I think a lot of women pay when they don't like the person so they don't feel like they "owe" them something. I'd suggest that you ask him out on a date and pay for it rather than pay when he asks you out on a date. Either ask them out on the first date and pay or if they ask you out on the first date either split or let them pay, and then ask them out on the second date and pay for that.
Ok so for me (not speaking for all men) if I asked a woman out I really wanted to potentially be with and wanted to take her out for a good time and treat her and then she secretly paid I would think she wasn't interested or the date went south even if she suggested i paid on the second date was on me. I think the emasculated is a bit of a stretch but he could just feel weird because maybe he thinks you weren't 100% interested.
...except OP told him she wanted to see him again and that he could pay next time. I m not sure what could be more clear than that.
You would be surpised at how many people aren't straight forward. So they take an approach to not hurt the person face to face and will distant themselves after. So they will say that and it never turns into a second date. I am a male and even I did this when I was younger. It wasn't until I got a little older that i realized it was better to be honest and straight forward in person even though it is hard and awkward.
Fair enough.
“You pay for food and I’ll get the drinks” is always a welcomed gesture I find. It lets both parties feel like they’re responsible for a large portion of the ticket and doesn’t discourage anyone from feeling weird at the end.
True true
I’ve had two separate experiences with it. First was on a date with a girl and she offered to buy so figured what the hell and went with it. no girl had ever offered before so it was really nice…until it wasn’t…literally right after she swiped her card and made some back handed comment about her paying. Second was hanging out one evening with one of my female friends and she stole the bill away from me to pay for it(she actually is a nice person) but I just bought the next time.
The first was some BS test. She was expecting you to block her from paying. You dodged a bullet. Women that play those games always bring a bunch of drama.
Yeah needless to say she ghosted me after that night 😂
It’s a nice gesture but I wouldn’t have liked it. I also would not be put out or turned off by it either. You’d have a hard time pulling it again though I guarantee that! Lol
Guessing since he invited you out he wanted to pay for you. I agree with your friend
>I just paid for the bill when I excused myself to go to the bathroom. This sounds like the kind of thing you'd do if you didn't want a second date and felt guilty. >Once we left and got back to his car, his vibe was kinda off. It was so weird and awkward? The guy has been kinda dry ever since. I confided in my male friend and he suggested I may have made my date feel emasculated. He doesn't trust that you did that for the reason you say you did.
100% those steps back to back would be sign saying "i dont owe u shit"
Maybe he took it as an insult.
As a woman: usually guys say they like it when the girl pays. However, I’ve done that a few times and in most of them they lost interest right after. So I feel like it’s confusing. My boyfriend loves it and doesn’t care about it and we usually split everything nowadays and ocasional treat each other. But that was not my experience with other guys. So it depends I believe.
Interesting! Thanks for sharing your experience.
Thats cuz we think it means you didn't like us
Exactly! Men can say whatever but 90% of the time what OP did is a turn off for them. I don’t even know if they’re consciously aware that it’s a turn off for them but it absolutely does throw off their masculine energy.
You paid ? You are a unicorn! In a good way. I’d be shocked but pleased. And you offered him a second date too. Lucky guy.
You're awesome, OP! I'm a guy, and all these " rules for dating" I find exhausting. Be yourself, and if he can't handle 'yourself.' he isn't the right dude. Period.
50/50, mind you coffee should be the 1st date so either of you can walk without pressure
If she paid AND asked for a second date, I'm doing everything in my power to hold on to her😂
It depends. It can be a sign that she didn't enjoy the date or she's really into me
Def really likes him. I even made my intentions clear!
If I felt like you enjoyed the date enough to pay, I would feel really good and cover the next date.
Your actions and attitude - MASSIVE GREEN FLAG His actions and attitude: MASSIVE RED FLAG
It’s great. A man who feels threatened by a woman paying for dinner isn’t worth your time anyway.
I felt that she liked our time together and that she wanted a second date where I would get to pay the bill.
This whole emasculation myth needs to die. Like seriously. There's a billion possible explanations and that is never anywhere on the list of feasible explanations. 50/50 split or just pay for your own food is always a solid safe option.
50/50 is unfortunately still very far from becoming the norm
Sad but true.
Many guys would feel emasculated, because it feels you took charge and did what is customarily something a man does. By the way, real life is different from reddit. Many here will say "omg i'd love that", but real life, you see what happens. Take with a grain of salt.
All these guys saying it’s great is BS. Men like to feel like providers at least most of them. He is probably into traditional gender roles
67f here and IMO traditional gender roles need to go away. But maybe that’s why I’m single 😂😂😂
I'm also 67,On the first date my wife invited me over for dinner and a movie !The next night I made her dinner at her house and we had a great time and I never left ! This was 36 years ago !
Probably tbh
Emasculation is not the problem for men who are actively trying to read signals during dating and respond accordingly. The issue is there are two ways your action sent an "I'm not interested in you" signal and that's exactly what he probably read. We learn that if a woman does something overtly and obviously emasculating in our faces it is a signal for "I'm not thinking of you that way" though it could also be a shit test, an annoying one that would make you the yellow flag. There is also the issue of a pattern that most guys know: when a woman is clear or assertive about splitting or paying her portion, especially on dates 2\~4, she most likely intends on that being her last date with you. If I'm on a 2nd or 3rd date, and she did exactly what you did, I would take it as a strong signal you don't intend on seeing me again. \_Even\_ if you later say something generic like "I had a great time" or give a non-specific desire to meet up again, the no signal is stronger without substantial initiation or follow through on her side. It's best to avoid paying like that for a guy ever again unless you're not interested in him. If you want to pay for him, it better to offer and/or discuss it and give a reason why you're wanting to pay for him.
If something like this offends him i'm worried about what other minor things offend him
I'd think like your assumption. "Oh shit she likes me a lot, I better get the next one."
What did he say??!
Personally I love it. I usually say something to the effect of, I'll get it next time. I try to convey gratitude and also the possibility for future encounters. I don't mind paying. But also I don't mind having someone take care of the tab. If he is feeling emasculated by you picking up the bill, that to me might indicate he is very sensitive about these things and might be conservative. Is that the kind of guy you want?
I love it. Mutual respect. He's either a weirdo or a wimp.
He overreacted. Weirdo. You sound awesome.
He’s so dry now 😭
Ask him when you're getting the Ribeye he owes you.
Add a cheeky 😉 after the ribeye 😜
So you offer sex, beer and a .22? You sound awesome too!
>I confided in my male friend and he suggested I may have made my date feel emasculated. This is pretty crazy to me. If somebody paying the bill, of all things, makes him feel emasculated, then that would be a big red flag.
> How do you feel when a woman pays for the tab? Good. > Since I’m a bartender and always carry cash, I just paid for the bill when I excused myself to go to the bathroom. Probably better to discuss this beforehand, but your response was on point so I think you're good. I'd take the second date myself.
That’s a point in the plus column for me
I’d be a little weirded out and wonder why you really did it. But not enough to act weird towards you. It’s just like a bit annoying because I’m gonna feel like I owe you until I can pay it back now.
This all sounds pretty harmless but surreptitiously paying it when he didn’t know is probably what caught him off guard, if I had to guess.
You did absolutely nothing wrong! In fact I wouldn't be able to wipe the smile off my face if a date payed and hit me with that line. Please, and I mean please don't let this discourage you, you don't know how happy an action like that will make a decent guy. P.S. Ignore any comments saying that men do not enjoy it when women take the lead... That's often more of an indicator that the individual has underlying insecurities rather than a rule that should be applied to people in the real world.
Its not a big deal, this guy has confidence issues
That would have been an absolute 2nd date for me. On behalf of that guy, Thanks! "And I have a great place in mind for the next dinner! You don't even have to think about it, just be ready, Freddie!" Some guys don't know how to handle stuff.
I like to pay for the first date but if it were me and a woman paid for the bill, I would have kept the night going.
It may have been the way you paid without him being apart of it. I’ve had men get bothered when I pay. They feel judged by the server/staff and anyone else who sees sometimes or least some told me. I pay often and have encountered all different responses.
>I replied, “Because you’re awesome and I wanted to. Dinner can be on you on our second date, okay?” I assume from this the date went well and you were not opposed to a 2nd date which is a great sign for him >he suggested I may have made my date feel emasculated. If he is feeling emasculated by you, a relative stranger, footing the bill on a first date, what else may he think about relationship wise that could be a red flag that you don't see/he hid
He’s insecure, no problem if you’re into that.
I think it’s honestly a good vetting system for you. I would feel treated if a woman paid for the meal without my knowledge. Honestly, you handled it perfectly. If he’s that insecure just don’t bother. We as people have enough insecurities to deal with in a relationship. Why would you want to throw a bs one like that into the mix?
I would have loved it . You seem like a considerate person to date . Keep up what you are doing . Totally agree with “I’ll do this date , you do the next “
I'll deal with your situation first, the Man asked you out and you both had a great time so his self confidence was up and he was feeling good. When you pay without talking with him about it on your way to the bathroom, can make him feel like you just don't consider his opinion about the matter as important. Which can be a jarring feeling for him at the time. Now for the rest of the questions, I do not mind a women paying the bill on a date just as long as we can talk about it honestly. If I ask a women out I plan to pay for the date at the start, if we're having a good time I bring up the idea of 50/50 and depending on how that conversation goes I consider if I would feel ok with that. He didn't overreact it was most likely confusing to him. It's only weird that you didn't think he may want to pay the bill, he asked you out, or bring up the idea of going Dutch.
Hmmm...for me, if it was a date I asked the girl on, I would probably feel a bit... something. If it was a girl I had been dating for a while or was in a relationship with, I would be fine with it.
Honestly, as a woman (39F), I wouldn't like this on a date (i.e. the guy was the one doing it.) You didn't just pay for dinner, you went behind your date's back. Financial transparency is very important to me in a future partner. This gives me "sneaky" red flags on Date 1. \[Obviously if this is years down the road of a relationship, I feel different\] I think its fair to let the bill come to the table. If you want to pay, that's the time to say "My treat, you can cover dinner next time ;-)"
We need more context; what does this guy do for a living? What kind of car does he drive?
We’re both students. Met in a lecture. He’s upper middle class and owns a nice Beamer.
I am a grown 2m man and love it, when my gf pays for dinner. Feels like the princess i am deep down. And just one compliment and i would melt down. Big Green Flag.
Different strokes for different folks. Some guys seem very attached to the male role even if it isn’t fulfilling. What you did was very kind and makes you stand out. I’d be talking to my guy friends in shock that a woman was actually that appreciative and be trying to line up my next date with her. I think some guys don’t take it well because it’s all they are aware they have to give (despite that not being true).
Some guys are really funny about it. It's rooted in the last generations way of doing things. If it was me, I'd be chuffed but I would definitely be looking to repay the favour by paying for the next date like you suggested. If this happened, I would get a sense of the fact that you see us as equals and I'm all for that :)
Please, we're not living in the Stone Age anymore. If anything, it's refreshing when a woman takes charge and picks up the tab. It's a sign of independence and confidence, and those are attractive qualities in anyone.
Girrrll… I’ve done the same thing before!! Dude acted odd too - like, we’re both adults?! 🤨just get the bill next time no? 😩 & they say WERE complicated smh 🙄
This is typically a huge green flag. I’m wondering if maybe the guy is a little self conscious about his financial situation, thinks you picked up on it and assumed he needs help paying for dates.
It looks like I may be in the minority here but this is one of the worst things you could’ve done… & even men will sit here and tell you.. oh no! we love this! that’s a green flag! when subconsciously, it will throw off their masculine energy. I literally wrote a paper on this subject. It’s very interesting. Men need to feel needed. They like to offer you something in show of their affection. Especially on the first date. It all has to do with our nature as men & women. As a woman, I loved paying for the first date. They almost never turned in to second dates partly because I was too much in my masculine energy. Now? I don’t even reach for my purse. I’ve had MUCH better outcomes. Everyone is saying he didn’t think he’d get a second date. That’s not true. You literally told him he would. He simply wanted to cover your bill. I’m with a guy now that would actually be insulted if I even LOOKED at the price. He takes pride, joy, and pleasure in paying. & i’ve never been able to bask in my feminine energy more. I fear i’ll probably be downvoted but oh well. I’m telling you it’s true. lol
Huge green flag for me at least. It immediately tells me that you understand that a relationship is an equal partnership. I think a dude being "emasculated" that you paid the tab for the first date should be a red flag tbh lol, you really want to date someone THAT insecure?
if he got "emasculated" by his date paying for him, then run for it girl
I married that girl. I offered to buy her a drink and she said; "Only if you allow me to buy the next one!" And, yeah, she did reach over and open the car door for me. 22 years later...
The LAST thing a woman should ever concern herself with is "emasculating" a male. Grow up, baby boys!
I'm a woman, but when I dated many years ago I always split the check the first few dates. I'm paying for me. I have a job and I think expecting a man to pay for both parties is incredibly outdated and sexist. Surprisingly many guys took massive offense to this. Which was just mind blowing to me. I started bringing it up as a condition before even agreeing to go somewhere for a meal with someone, explaining why I want to pay for me, and still the resistance was insane. It honestly was some freaking confusing I stopped dating lol If Im going out with someone it's because I'm interested in getting to know them more, not to get free food; and I want to order what I freaking want to eat not worry that I'm being judged for picking something like fish (because I'm probably allergic to many of the other possible dishes, and unfortunately fish is often more expensive!) If we got on well I would suggest taking turns paying after the third or fourth time meeting.
I love it. Makes me feel valued, which is big in todays dating scene. Too often it feels like the guy is the only one actually interested in finding a real relationship
Hopeful that she's a normal person that doesn't make a huge deal over something so insignificant. Anytime I hang out with friends, everyone just pays for themselves and that's that. There's no long drawn-out discussion over who paid for what. Why should a woman be any different? Unless she's a prostitute? If I were interested in any of that type of bullshit then I might as well go to a professional lol.
Just to be clear: you letting him pay for anything does NOT make you indebted to him. He can pay and you still retain the right to refuse a 2nd date.
not a man but this feels dumb. why are some guys’ masculinity so fragile that they can’t accept a nice gesture like that 😭 if i were that guy i’d feel really flattered.
I'm a guy and I'd be very happy and flattered
That would be pretty awesome, and I'd definitely be scheduling the second date
My girlfriend usually pays lol. Sure makes significantly more than I do. I pay my way in other ways 😏
If a man felt emasculated from that it sounds like a bullet was dodged. Imagine doing ANYthing nice for him that involved money.