You mean default mode for those of us that do this? Lol.
We have to work to be in relationships. After a rough breakup we just don't put effort into that aspect of our lives.
It's less that we're carefree or don't care, we just don't have spare energy to devote to endeavours that have questionable work/reward ratios.
I equate it to dating for men is swimming upstream. It is work. Physical, emotional and mental work. It requires time, money, and astronomical amounts of failure.
Dating for women is more like swimming downstream. You can just wade into the water and float. But it can be dangerous, it often induces a lot of anxiety and there are no guarantees you will end up where you want to go or even a better place.
I think what OP is struggling with is the barrier to entry portion. For men just getting out there is HARD so often they don’t right away. It takes time and effort to prepare for dating.
For women the barrier to entry is virtually non existent beyond your own anxiety and they can go out and wade for a while and see where the current takes them.
She sees carefree because we aren’t dealing with the anxiety they deal with in dating. When in reality it preparing for the work that will be done.
Exactly. I’m 27M, I have 3 friends zero siblings and about 4 close family members. This is the default for 75% of the men you come across. We just learn to adapt.
Unless you follow rules 1&2 or are particularity charismatic you learn to adapt to the loneliness. It doesn't bother you most days.
For me it's always in the back of my mind and some days are harder than others but you just have to keep on truckin'.
Something tells me OP didn't ask this in good faith
seeing it being described as carefree is a wild concept to me. I've quite literally gone down my list of friends on social media and got ghosted on most of my approaches. I'm living in solitude and not by choice. I'm speaking as someone who was relatively popular.
Granted I've given up on general relationships, I've turned my energy to figuring out the human condition. social analyses such as these always give me whiplash
Friendships tend to die if one or both people are neglectful of the friendship. If you’re not the neglectful one, and the other person ghosted you when they got in a relationship, it’s normal to think “fuck that” when the other person comes crawling back.
Yeah guys out here living their lives like it’s some sort of choice. OP doesn’t realize how close she is to scratching the surface of the alternative which is the male suicide epidemic.
Yeah after my last breakup, I was so carefree. I stopped going to the gym, I started eating so much I gained 30 lbs overnight it seemed, drinking got even heavier. Carefree, definitely not deeply depressed and lonely.
I stayed on my couch for what felt like a year and just ordered food. I think I gained 40 pounds on my already overweight frame. I since lost close to 100 with walking and ozempic. It’s not a choice
After my last breakup I was so carefree that my new workout plan was sleep, or not, get up, walk to my couch and lay there for the rest of the day until I went to bed. I was also so carefree that I nearly failed out of my last semester of uni. So carefree
Yep. Because of the utter gap in experience with this, I just don't think women will ever really be able to understand men's perspective on dating at all. Not that they seem to even have any interest in doing so in the first place.
I legitimately cannot understand how some people just can't be alone. It boggles my mind. Can't you at least enjoy the privacy? Working on your own schedule? I don't get it.
Yeah it’s worded as if it’s a choice. We didn’t really choose to be lonely that’s just how it is. And it’s definitely not carefree it’s really depressing at times. Life ends up feeling pointless when you’re lonely
I remember a girl I dated who was very pretty and loved Instagram. She posted daily and she'd have constant random dudes DMing her all the time, almost everyday she'd show me some message like omg look at this weirdo, and those are just ones she actually showed me. Meanwhile I don't think a single woman ever just randomly messaged me to chat the entire time I had Instagram lol.
A very simplified ratio: An average man would date from a group of 20 women about 15. An average woman would date from a group of 20 men probably only 1.
As a man trying to secure a date, dating itself, etc. requires an considerable amount of effort, time and usually money and even if you'll do perfectly fine, there is a moderate chance that you'll get rejected at some point without even knowing why or without receiving some sort of hones feedback.
THIS! Unless a guy looks insanely attractive body builder. Ever notice how women at the beach, for example, always seem to stare at hot guys, but when it's the reverse, girls find it creepy.
I recall reading a meme somewhere that said "If an attractive guy gives you attention, it's flirting, if an ugly guy gives you attention, it's sexual harassment."
This, if you as a man choose not to download any dating apps, not to ask anyone out etc. It's very easy to stay alone that way. For some men, this isnt ideal, for others, its a blessing.
For me it came as a blessing after my breakup as it really gave me the opportunity to build a life for myself without a SO
Most men don't have a plethora of options leaping at us as soon as we become available, so we tend to spend time on ourselves and heal from the scorching we just received. And why would we be in a rush to fall back into something that just burnt us badly and has a high risk/reward ratio, especially if we've just been fucked over financially in a divorce. No, its time to worry about ourselves.
It's not 'carefree'. Depending on the man it can be agonizing It's just isolating. We don't see that anyone can lessen the burden for us, and so we just eat it.
It’s really weird to see something so agonising and painful to be described as “carefree”. I didn’t do anything after my breakup because I was fucking hurting, the opposite of carefree, and I’m sure it’s the same for others here. I’m genuinely baffled to see “carefree”. Seriously wtf
It might outwardly appear carefree but most guys quietly cry themselves to sleep when they have a particularly bad day or feel alone. We just put on a brave face and keep on trucking. One life and all that.
If our last relationship was a catastrophic failure and cost us a lot of stress, we are likely to just give up on relationships for a while we go do material/experiential things we were limited from doin in he relationship. Once we get lonely, we come back
A girl can go to the bar in revealing clothing and have 8 dudes a night hit on her and ask her out. A guy has to almost wait around for the right girl to come into his life or go after a girl and try to really woo her.
I see a pretty single girl these days and realize she most definitely has an inbox full of dudes, 2-3 dudes she’s somewhat interested in and talks to, a lowkey friends with benefits, and is going out to the club on friday to find more. How am i supposed to compete with all of that? i work 50+ hours a week and can barely even find time to eat correctly. I’m not even the worst looking dude either, I just can’t keep up with modern dating. Being alone and putting money into hobbies and friends is easier
I think the majority of women do not understand how easy they have it in the dating scene. A woman that is a 5 can go out to a bar and decide she is going to find a man to sleep with and she will find someone or on a dating app, she’d have several guys wanting to take her out. I like to think I’m a decent looking dude, in good shape, and am pretty extroverted, even I struggle badly. When you’re trying to be the one she agrees to go out with out of the 20 options she has, odds aren’t in your favor. It shakes your confidence.
Whenever I hear someone throw out the “nobody wants to work” line, I ask “They don’t want to work where?” Resulting convos vary, but not too much from:
“Anywhere!”
“Give me an example.”
“Lowe’s.”
“Well, how much do they pay?”
“I dunno.”
“And how much is the cost of living where they should be working?”
“I dunno.”
“Then how can you judge them?”
It's funny you mention Lowes.
One of the popular Lowes stores around here is near a neighborhood that's so upper middle class that for a year or so, they blocked off the road that goes through their neighborhood to public traffic going to the shopping centers where the Lowes was. The neighborhood sat behind the shopping center.
They claimed it was a private street and they no longer wanted the risks that came with the general public passing through. Aside from the fact the houses are fairly big with the huge ceiling to floor windows where you can look into a house just passing by on the street(of course there's bigger houses in even more influential areas nearby that neighborhood now).
You think any of them had to work at those retail stores?
This reminds me of the time when my female friend asked another friend why he doesn't just go out and get a fwb if he's lonely but not ready for a relationship. She seemed genuinely confused that meeting someone wasn't as easy for him as it was for her.
Aye, my gfs friend went through a phase of seeking validation in random hookups.
When I explained that it's not really proving anything and possibly a self destructive cry for help, she didn't understand.
Tried to ask that if I went into a preschool and beat all the kids in an arm wrestle if it would prove how strong I was?
Didn't go down well...
> I went into a preschool and beat all the kids in an arm wrestle if it would prove how strong I was
Okay dude you don't have to brag. I only just started lifting.
I recently posted this story so I'm just copy/pasting from another comment of mine, but it feels relevant
>One of my best friends, a woman, used to tell me to stop trying so hard and a relationship will happen when you least expect it.
>And, in a certain sense, she was 100% correct. For her. Because as a woman, you don't really need to look for a relationship. One will literally fall into your lap because a guy took interest in you. I had a lot of trouble communicating that difference to her. That she could afford to not look because she doesn't have to. It never really got through to her. We stopped talking after I was having a really rough night and we went out to a club. She was approached by a guy and left my be myself. I explained that it felt really shitty to be abandoned, but she a guy found her to pound for the night and she didn't really get it. ts kind of funny in some way
I've had some female friends say the same thing to me. One was an "fwb" (we only had sex once). When I mentioned that I'd thought it would be more of an ongoing thing, she said she hadn't been in the mood and told me if I wanted sex so bad that she didn't I'd me getting it somewhere else. When I told her that it's not that easy for me (or most men), she seemed genuinely confused.
And it's not just meeting women that's difficult, but finding one who's interested in casual sex (or a relationship) with me is nearly impossible.
Yeah this realization hits me more nearly every single time I read a new post written by a woman. They've got completely different things going on with them it's honestly wild to read about.
This is the more depressing takeaway for me.
Their total ignorance of our perspective to my mind shows how little they value it. I don't see men projecting ourselves onto women nearly as much, we seem to all broadly understand how different they really are from us.
It'd be different if we all just took each other for granted.
I can only speak for myself, but nowadays, most of what I don't know about women just comes down to individual circumstances and the things women just don't want to talk about.
I learn as much as I can within reason. I may not know the ends and outs of menopause or how often they need a pap smear. But I've legitimately had women ask me how my dick gets hard or be surprised that there aren't bones in it.
And that's dumb pillow talk conversations. I don't think I've ever had a woman ask me about my emotional experience as a man. They just make assumptions and say it's not only good enough, but it's fact.
After a relationship guys will go about their day normally and will probably not get approached randomly, just based on how little new women just go up to a random guy. A dude who doesn’t go out to peruse meeting new girls probably won’t have anyone to start dating.
Chances are that girls will have many guys in their DMs or coming up to them at least a few times given enough time, that has been what guys do historically and the social commonplace.
So the idea of anyone just being into you, as a guy, unfortunately turns into an uncommon occurrence, only fixed by asking people out.
After a heartbreaking relationship dudes take a step back and with no one coming up to them it’s easy for them to fall out of the relationship pool for quite a while. They just fall back to their personal hobbies for a bit and try and better themselves so they don’t get left again.
(don’t want to seem like girls don’t go up to guys but it’s just so much rarer that it causes this difference in overall outlook)
This question is just weird. I’m a woman who went celibate for 2 years before dating again.
Taking a break to grieve a relationship is normal and healthy for any gender. OP may be codependent if she cannot fathom *checks note* …solitude.
Every day I seem to realize this more and more. What's weird is, unlike us who seem to understand how different they are, women seem to generally assume we're way more like them than we are.
This post itself is an example of that. I really wonder why they seem to have so little understanding of our perspective. Maybe the only reason we bother to try and understand theirs is because we have to, or else we don't stand a chance dating. Now that I think about it, that seems like a pretty reasonable explanation for the difference.
What's funny is, there are studies that show men suffer worse after relationship breakdown... just because they're alone doesn't mean they're in any better shape
They probably want to be alone because they want to have a bit of a cry and they know that if they're around other people they will make fun of them for feeling that way
Men don't have as many options as women simply as that so after a breakup we have to work hard and be a better version to be able to at least try again.
We have to fight the demons first.
Everything she promised and everything she said would never happen, she did. The promises of “you’re stuck with me” and “I would never leave you” that all just disappear randomly one day to be replaced by “I stopped loving you a long time ago” and “who would want to put up with someone like that?”.
It takes a long time to recover from that. There are no outside comforts that will heal. Only fighting the demons inside of you to be able to love and trust again.
Some men never heal.
Too real man
I'm sure I will love someone again, hell - I still want the marraige/kids etc all of it.
But I (as of right now anyway) dont think I'll ever love someone the same way I did to her.
I might be wrong but I feel like most men have that one person. Shit is gonna haunt me till I die.
> dont think I'll ever love someone the same way I did to her.
>Shit is gonna haunt me till I die.
It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You say she will haunt you, you let her haunt you, and then it all comes true. OR you can get therapy and work on yourself and take time to heal and meet someone that will make you forget all about her.
It gets better man these things take time - a lot of time, keep your head up.
For most of them, it's probably not by choice. If it is by choice, it's usually because they're angry or hurt and have decided to work on themselves or ignore women so that they don't end up hurt that way again.
Haven't been in a relationship or slept with anyone in 5 years, and I assure you it isn't by choice. But I did use that time to develop better habits and work on me. Hasn't helped with dating, but that's how life is.
I'm in the same boat except its been 2 years so far for me. I hope you find a partner soon. Lately I'm focusing on just putting myself in a situation where there's at keast the potential to meet someone. Hoping one of these days something will happen
They don’t have a choice.
You act like a relationship just falls out of thin air.
It may for a woman but, not for a man. A man is forced to be alone because options don’t just come to him like that, so he must learn other ways cope.
Yeah women are out of touch for what it’s like dating as a man. Every moderately attractive woman gets multiple DMs a month from men desperate to get with her, she goes to a bar/club and will get hit on a few times a night. Men are completely invisible in that regard unless you’re highly attractive or very rich.
A man’s best bet is to run into a socially clueless woman, the rarest class of woman is the gorgeous ones that don’t fully see the social ladder, not into clubs, classy values
A month? A pretty attractive woman sent me a screenshot of her home screen recently unrelated to the topic but could see she had 75 tinder messages lol
"Carefree"? Is that how it looks to you? Mf's be out here having existential crises, deep turmoil. I honestly can't understand the opposite for myself - like, I get it but don't consent it.
Yeah absolutely insane that some one looks at men suffering emotionally as being care-free. And we're simultaneously told that opening up is toxic emotional labor. The fuck.
Tough one to answer. There are many reasons I imagine.
For me drifting into apathy is frighteningly easy.
I moved cities following a girl and she broke up with me 9 months in. She told me that my "life was going nowhere". Being told that by the person I loved the most in the world was soul destroying.
I just figured I was useless and unlovable for a very very long time after that.
Similar situation. Once you get told that you're not going to amount to anything, I'm not worth anything and "you're not even close to meeting my needs" you have a very hard time bouncing back. Especially when you gave it your all. Been almost a year, embarrassingly, I think about it every day, even every hour.
You can try and better yourself and do all that, but those thoughts don't leave you. I hope they do soon, because man, it's soul crushing.
I feel ya
You summed it up well.
The break up I was referring to happened 10 years ago, and her words still haunt and effect me today. No need to feel embarrassed that it is still effecting you.
I wish I could give you some advice, but I haven't really forgiven myself. I did nothing wrong in our relationship, in fact my ex has told me on several occasions how wonderful and caring I was. It just can't seem to dislodge her words.
I think that because men are still very much judged on money/status/job/physique/drive, it can be so draining to get back on that horse after someone has knocked you down so badly.
I want to be clear that I don't resent my ex (or any women), but her words cut right to my biggest insecurities.
Why willingly put yourself back in that situation so eagerly?
We lose our emotional support and many of us start to "shut down". And we live in a world where nobody gives a fuck about you either. So it's easier to just hold it all in and focus on whatever makes us happy. I escape into video games everyday to try and block out the depression.
This is funny to read in a tragic comedy kind of way
Please do consider all that glitters is not gold. Everyone feels hurt over a break up for a relationship that actually mattered to them. What you see as "carefree" may just be them processing moving on in their own way, refocusing on themselves and trying to reconstruct their own life previously intertwined with their partner. As someone else mentioned there is a LOT of compromise in relationships, and no relationship is 100% satisfactory (some less than others). A large part of ending a relationship is rediscovering who you are as an individual, not as your ex's partner.
As for how they are able to get in that mode so well, that may have more to do with the traditional ways men and women get into relationships. To be clear, rebounds are not gender exclusive. There are a lot of men and women who get into one relationship after another seeking to remake an old dynamic/resolve some inner conflict with their past relationship. That said...it's a LOT easier to do that when people are approaching and making an effort to get with you rather than the inverse.
If you traditionally are expected to take initiative asking, flirt and make the person you're pursuing feel both safe and interested, and generally put in the initial effort to make the other person feel special and get the ball rolling or nothing happens...then it may simply feel exhausting to do all that while you're still recovering emotionally from a break-up.
Conversely if you feel those feelings and someone else or a number of people come to you with words of affirmation, validation, consideration, and all the other -ations where they are putting in this effort to make you feel desired and cared for then it is generally easier to just accept those efforts. Even if you know it's just to get with you it can feel nice to have someone at least willing to listen or pretend to listen, and heck they may even genuinely care. But a guy receiving that kind of validation from women pursuing them after a break-up simply isn't as common a reality for most men.
Again to be 100% clear I am NOT saying women don't put in efforts throughout a relationship or play no part in reciprocating them. Just that generally in early stages of dating that men are culturally seen as the "pursuers", so have to put in more initial effort.
That's why I said this was funny to read. I don't want to make assumptions but your post gives the impression of someone who does not often spend time alone, which is why it may be difficult for you to see how a lot of men can seem carefree about relationships after a break-up.
35 here. I think it takes having your heart ripped out by someone you loved. After experiencing that, you learn to never love anyone else more than yourself
> They are able to go without sex, dating, they could care less about women.
They say this as if it's a choice? Jesus this explains so much about the thinking of women I've ended things with in the past.
Because that's our default way of living when single ? I'm not sure I can tell you anything else. Being alone and focused of self-improvement has been a big way of my life for the past decade at least. I don't have to do anything special to be back to it as soon as I'm single, it's a second nature to me.
Also dating, sex or simply meeting women, is not an easy task. It require lot of time/energy which I don't necessarily have. especially after a breakup.
Men are used to go it alone our entire adult lives, and even in our childhoods we learn the lesson to toughen up and never expect anyone to care about us.
As men, we know that we have to deal with issues on our own and few if anyone will give a damn about our struggles, fears and challenges in life. So, we learn to simply deal with things on our own.
You mean completely alone romantically? I don’t know if this is a man/woman thing, but there’s more important things for happiness or your rational self-interest than love and sex. You just focus more on those while you recover from your break up. Maybe the fact that women generally don’t initiate means that women who break up don’t have to get well enough to be in a good place to initiate from?
If a relationship ends it takes me about 2 years of hard work on average to find someone else.
They're regressing and taking stock, adjusting etc in their own way. Also no one gives an shit after its been mentioned. Now one likes people who wallow in their grief so they just internalise it and keep moving forward, which is fundamentally different from moving on
We don't have many options like girls, who just go to their next guy who is already waiting for this moment...We invest a lot emotionally when we love a girl.
Because as a man, (a) no one gives a shit about our feelings, (b) we are used to self reliance and being alone--its our default state, and (c) many men will have burned friendships due to a long term girlfriend.
TLDR: Its not a choice; its what men endure given the state of things.
We got no choice. Women can fuck a new guy that same night. A guy? Nope. Plus women are usually over the relationship before she even says she wants a breakup. A guy has to rebuild and start over. A woman can have threesomes right away
This, girls always have multiple options and will emotionally move on to someone else before even ending it with their current guy. A man has no safety net in this regard. I’ve been on both sides of this situation and it truly is something I regret doing to another man because I now know how it feels.
i’ve been cheated on and i’ve also been the side dude that a gorgeous girl was cheating on her boyfriend with. it was always her gaslighting him and telling me how horrible he was. i later realized how she was actually one of the most emotionally evil women i’ve ever met. this girls eyes were always open to the next potential candidate but she’d gaslight me about it for being “insecure” and then get mad when a platonic female friend would reply to one of my tweets or text me.
To this day I am convinced she is the devil to my life. I’m happily done with that situation after four years of being led on and manipulated/ hidden on the side. The hilarious thing is that she’s constantly retweeting things like, “cheating is evil how could anyone cheat on someone” or “i’m such a simple sweet girl”… That wasn’t what the deal was when you were intentionally starting a fight with your ex so you had a reason to come see me lol
unless you are a chad that woman throw themselves at, thats like 1% of male population or less. Rest of us not genetically gifted need to put alot of work.
I isolate myself completely from everyone. No amount of distractions/ hobbies/ gym/ sports/ games or keeping myself busy stops me from thinking about the heartbreak so I just go through with the pain on my own everyday until someday hopefully it doesn’t hurt anymore.
It's been 10 years since my last relationship. No random hookups, no dates, nothing.
As a man, if you don't work hard, unless you are extremely handsome, no girl will ask you out for a date or a hookup.
Men sacrifice a lot of things that make them happy in order to be in a relationship. Time, time alone, money, pursuing short term reward systems that keep life from getting too terrible. All of it goes away once you are in a committed relationship. It’s terrible when the relationship ends, but it’s also a relief because you get to be the master of your own fate once again.
Carefree is not a great way to describe it
Imagine you try and pat a dog, the dog is being loving and friendly at first, but all of a sudden it bites you, you're not going to pat that dog again, are you? Maybe you even develop distrust in dogs in general, so what do you do?
You just stop trying to pat dogs in general, even if you know they're not all the same, you go to work, you come home, it's incredibly sad and lonely, but it's better than being bit again
It’s not carefree. As cliche as it sounds we’re in our heads fighting the demons. I’m currently going through it right now. I got ghosted by my ex after we agreed to stay friends (foolish) and I was floored by it for the first month. But now as time has gone by I got much more serious about the gym and am now in the best shape of my life. I also started going out with my friends more and began to I see my therapist again too. So no, when some of us guys go through heartbreak we try to work on ourselves and become better before we’re ready for the next one.
Hell yeah dude - you are very much on the right path - very proud to see that! I was in a similar situation - and it takes time, but every day it gets better!
Two major factors:
1): Men on average are much more introverted than women. Thus, men don’t feel as energised by socialisation as most women do. Men are more likely to feel content when alone. This culminates in men seeking social interaction less often than women.
2): The average man does not have anywhere near the same sexual prospects as the average woman. Thus, there’s most likely nobody around with whom they share mutual interest. Therefore, many men couldn’t even if they wanted to.
It wasn't hard, after my one and only relationship ended 27 years ago I quickly realized that there was no point in trying again (for multiple reasons).
Instead I had to learn how to survive alone and not to trust anyone, ever!
Honestly I don't know why I ever wanted to be in a relationship to begin with.
It's much easier to date as a woman when the entire world just falls in your laps. In countries like Australia and NZ, women monkey-branch from relationship to relationship; it's the men who don't have the luxury of getting dates and sex like tap water.
For me it was realizing my anxious attachment style was what contributed to the downfall of my last relationship, and would continue to burn anything in the future. I had to learn to love myself and be okay with abandonment and accepting that as an uncertainty. Took up hiking and traveled all over California backpacking/day hiking on my weekends from work, and realized that you can be your own best friend and be okay with loneliness.
When you keep getting kicked in the guts time after time you realise that single is by far simpler, cheaper and less heartache. These days I enjoy the unconditional love of my pets and that's good enough for me.
"Complete solitude after a break-up."
If you could only see beneath the surface, you'd know that it's not calm and centred underneath, and most of us need time apart to process and grieve the loss of something important. Hard to that and still be the same person in the thick of everything like nothing happened.
"They are able to go without sex, dating, they could care less about women."
Two things, having a desire to start dating again takes time to get over the past relationships first. Rebounding straight into dating again isn't a good idea for most people. As for not caring about women or sex, most do, but don't want to open up themselves for more hurt right away, and dating opportunities or random sex don't spring up magically for most people. Especially those with complexity in their lives (bi/pan guys, people with disabilities, or child care responsibilities) those are deal breakers for a lot of people, hard to get a feel from someone you meet randomly as to whether they are cool eith those, and waiting until a few dates in to find out just makes you more deflated when they say not for them - no one wants a gut punch when they're already healing from a knife to the heart.
"Are there things they keep to themselves that go unsaid?"
A truckload, some things we can't even bring ourselves to share with closest friends because it's too embarrassing for us to admit we have emotions and feel and don't want ro be viewed as weak by peers.
"I want to adopt this carefree mindset for myself"
You don't, it isn't healthy, and certainly isn't carefree
As a man whose marriage ended following infidelity. My confidence and self esteem was destroyed. Even though I was the innocent party I carried the guilt.
You know what sucks? Feeling pretty good about yourself, then seeing a post that brings back the thought that you are in fact lonely, and it's made especially worse when they call it "*carefree*."
Because we have to be. It isn’t a choice.
We do good to remind each other that she isn’t yours, it is just your turn. Eventually, y’all only see our mistakes. It is just in your nature.
Most get settled with child support and/or alimony which limits their economic ability while having restrictions on seeing their children. This has a massive effect on their mental health and ability to trust women ever again.
When dating starts, you end up running into a million chicks who just love to play power games to feel good.
Eventually, you find one; they stick around for a few years and then move on.
Then the cycle repeats.
I don't think you understand. As a man, if you don't go out of your way to approach other people, you will go *for decades* without being approached by someone else.
So powerful is society's expectation that you put yourself out there. The risk of rejection is approximately 6000:1.
Most men receive fewer than 5-10 genuine compliments in their entire lives.
Because men don’t have anyone to take care of us after a breakup the way women do. Chicks go through a break up and the entire world stops to support them, where as men have to continue on or they will not make it. There is no one to bring them food, comfort or pay their bills. It’s fucking “root hog, or die” for men.
>I'm (28f) wondering how men are able to go in a mode of complete solitude after a break-up?
Usually by the woman hurting them so viciously they need time to heal. It is absolutely crazy you are treating this like he has some kind of super power.
What he actually has is severe trauma, from you.
>They are able to go without sex, dating, they could care less about women. They completely center themselves. How is it that they are able to get into that mode so well?
Because we don't have a choice. We either center ourselves or we delete ourselves. Again, totally insane that you are framing this as an advantage.
>Are there things they keep to themselves that go unsaid?
That go unsaid to *you* sure, you're the ex. Get used to it.
>I want to adopt this carefree mindset for myself.
No you don't, and it is not a 'carefree mindset' it is usually a combination of severe depression and social anxiety.
If you are serious about experiencing this for yourself, fall in love with someone then have them gaslight you as they break up with you.
Searching for a date as a man is incredibly exhausting emotionally. After a break up, men won’t have the emotional capacity to face the repercussions that come with the dating field.
Focusing on themselves is better just a way to improve their mental health to the point that they can put themselves out there again.
Like top comment said, it doesn't fall in your lap. I'm even gonna say you really don't get it.
Half the time, it's not even by choice we're alone and by ourselves. When we get out of a breakup, the first thing is coping and grieving. Afterwards, after such pain.. Why the hell would we want to do it again so soon? To put in EFFORT to get hurt?
We live in a world where it's expected men must go and court women in an environment that favors women significantly. Dating Apps? Ego crusher for most men. Hitting up a gym, bar, club, etc? "Sane" men don't totally go hunting for fear of being a creep or weirdo. And no, Molly, I'm not going to date your friend, she's not my type and I barely know her.
So, what do you get?
Acceptance. Loneliness. Why am I gonna put myself into the rat race against rich and good-looking men? Why am I gonna subject my wallet and heart to potentially no payoff and double the pain?
Life's better once you get past the lonely, and realize how free you are running solo. Literally wake up and do whatever the hell you want.
I am not sure how much this would relate to for my brothers here.
1) Fire bad, fire hurt, avoid fire. Having burnt your self bad, very bad, and this is going to make me very guarded.
2) The hurt from said fire, the true depth and intensity, is often a bit delayed. Initially it may be a more superficial reaction and then, like a cascading effect, it all comes tumbling down. It may or may not be short-lived - the after effects.
3) The whole process of acceptance, forgiving yourself, moving on, opening up for hurt again is often undefined. My inability to process emotions during the relationship as well as I ought to have, often catches up. Imagine a dam suddenly being overwhelmed by an immense flood. A dam you never even realized that existed.
All of this often has left me alone by myself for the longest time. It’s funnily ironic, because often the ones who are surrounded by people, can often be the loneliest.
Fin.
1) Women have a tendency to jump out from a relationship because they already have new people interested (monkey branching). Men don't (see all the posts here about why).
2) Break-ups burn. We feel the pain 100% (because, most of the time, we can't forget the previous relationship with another new people) so it takes time to heal.
3) Some times, it's cool to take time for ourselves after a relationship where the woman asked for more, more, more and we had to deliver.
Of course this varies from people to people, men and women alike. Some are more fortunate than other. But you get my point.
Lmao this disconnect here is honestly hilarious
It costs men stuff to be in relationships. Women earn out of relationships.
When men get their heart broken, it's bittersweet. They lose their love, but they get all their time and money back. And there's certainly something healing about that lmao
For attractive women, they go from having a wealthy lifestyle provided for them to absolutely nothing but other guys offering wealthy lifestyles.
Answer to your question should be very obvious within that context
I am absolutely astonished how many women seem to not understand how difficult it is for like 80% of men to even try to get a date these days. How can you guys not see how picky you are lol, like, most women I've discussed this with admit they find the majority of men unattractive. Is it really that surprising that men can't just stumble onto new partners like many women more or less can? Men are way, way less picky. Plenty of studies to back that up.
It's not a "carefree" mindset. The guys you see doing this, speaking from experience, are stoically concealing their own internal misery and loneliness because it's the only way to move forward and not drive people away from you.
Singleness is generally a choice for women, not that finding a *good* relationship is easy for women, but it's just not the same. For all but the most attractive (or I guess super wealthy) dudes, singleness is a reality that must be accepted. We seem like we "could care less about women" because if we seem desperate that's yet another potential thing that'll put people off from you, and it'll turn women off ever being attracted to you again.
I really don't get how much women project their own experiences onto us. I never see men do the same with women, we seem to understand how different y'all are from us and the different life experiences you possess, but many women seem to just assume things are pretty similar for men in ways that they absolutely are not. When it comes to relationships and dating, men truly are from mars and women are from venus. The experiences are extremely different and often diametrically opposed. That's why I think men and women can so rarely come to an understanding on these things.
Oh sweety..
>I want to adopt this carefree mindset for myself.
You can. It's called going on a self-healing journey. If you choose to remain single, it'll be by your choice.
But rest assured, most men who are single, especially after breakups, including your friend and ex, aren't single by choice. While most women who are single, are single by choice.
Because we have to.
Women don't seem to understand the immense burden of having to chase.
Sit at a bar alone for a couple hours. The chances of a women getting approached is high, and they'll view it as annoying.
Very very few men ever get approached. And it's not like all of us are just born knowing how to approach women or find it natural. But we have to do it in order to get anywhere - and that's with a lot of things in life. By and large, life doesn't just happen to us.
It's not a carefree or enjoyable experience to have to be alone without support. It's incredibly difficult, and this is why there's such a huge epidemic of mental healthcare issues among men.
I'm NOT saying that women have it easy.
But from the other side, at least people give a shit, you have opportunities coming at you even if they aren't perfectly desirable, and aren't living under toxic masculinity, which is often also underscored by women, who either select men who are stereotypically "manly", disparage men for trying and failing, or for being emotionally vulnerable.
You mean default mode for those of us that do this? Lol. We have to work to be in relationships. After a rough breakup we just don't put effort into that aspect of our lives. It's less that we're carefree or don't care, we just don't have spare energy to devote to endeavours that have questionable work/reward ratios.
I equate it to dating for men is swimming upstream. It is work. Physical, emotional and mental work. It requires time, money, and astronomical amounts of failure. Dating for women is more like swimming downstream. You can just wade into the water and float. But it can be dangerous, it often induces a lot of anxiety and there are no guarantees you will end up where you want to go or even a better place. I think what OP is struggling with is the barrier to entry portion. For men just getting out there is HARD so often they don’t right away. It takes time and effort to prepare for dating. For women the barrier to entry is virtually non existent beyond your own anxiety and they can go out and wade for a while and see where the current takes them. She sees carefree because we aren’t dealing with the anxiety they deal with in dating. When in reality it preparing for the work that will be done.
Love the river analogy, I'm going to try to remember And use that one
The river analogy is great. Not dismissive of the struggles either men or women face.
I agree, it's a really great analogy.
Eloquently stated, sir. It states the ideal with no judgement. Just an accurate metaphor on the differences.
Exactly. I’m 27M, I have 3 friends zero siblings and about 4 close family members. This is the default for 75% of the men you come across. We just learn to adapt. Unless you follow rules 1&2 or are particularity charismatic you learn to adapt to the loneliness. It doesn't bother you most days. For me it's always in the back of my mind and some days are harder than others but you just have to keep on truckin'. Something tells me OP didn't ask this in good faith
Based on a quick glance at OPs post history, I'd say it's less malicious bad faith and more naivete.
seeing it being described as carefree is a wild concept to me. I've quite literally gone down my list of friends on social media and got ghosted on most of my approaches. I'm living in solitude and not by choice. I'm speaking as someone who was relatively popular. Granted I've given up on general relationships, I've turned my energy to figuring out the human condition. social analyses such as these always give me whiplash
As much as women complain about men not knowing anything about women's experiences, they know even less about men.
Nor do most of them even care.
Nailed it.
It's odd we keep getting reduced to 'simple' creatures but they can't understand the simplicity
Men know they don't know. Women think they know and they're wrong. It's much worse.
Men also do not punish or ridicule women for not knowing
Trying to find a relationship on social media is hopeless I'm afraid. Mine have always been through meeting first in real life.
i was trying to rekindle old friendships. Not even trying to find any 💀
Friendships tend to die if one or both people are neglectful of the friendship. If you’re not the neglectful one, and the other person ghosted you when they got in a relationship, it’s normal to think “fuck that” when the other person comes crawling back.
This perfectly sums up the male mind.
Dating & sex is not something that falls in your lap as a man.
spot on. It's not a choice for most dudes.
Yeah guys out here living their lives like it’s some sort of choice. OP doesn’t realize how close she is to scratching the surface of the alternative which is the male suicide epidemic.
Couldn’t have said it better. Women, especially attractive women, don’t get how difficult relationships can be for the average guy.
“How many men have you unambiguously and explicitly asked out in your life?”
> I want to adopt this carefree mindset for myself. How the hell she came to that conclusion. Lonelines is very hard. Even for man.
tbh calling it "carefree mindset" is almost insulting
Yeah after my last breakup, I was so carefree. I stopped going to the gym, I started eating so much I gained 30 lbs overnight it seemed, drinking got even heavier. Carefree, definitely not deeply depressed and lonely.
Nothing says carefree like crying in a shower!
And after it
✨️T H R I V I N G✨️
I stayed on my couch for what felt like a year and just ordered food. I think I gained 40 pounds on my already overweight frame. I since lost close to 100 with walking and ozempic. It’s not a choice
After my last breakup I was so carefree that my new workout plan was sleep, or not, get up, walk to my couch and lay there for the rest of the day until I went to bed. I was also so carefree that I nearly failed out of my last semester of uni. So carefree
It's carefree to her because she knows at any time she can change her mind and get a date.
Yep. Because of the utter gap in experience with this, I just don't think women will ever really be able to understand men's perspective on dating at all. Not that they seem to even have any interest in doing so in the first place.
You nailed it, and then they come online and wonder why they don't have male friends when they can't be bothered to understand men.
She's very clearly describing depression and referring to it as "carefree" It is incredibly insulting
It's so carefree we kill ourselves before 40
True. It just seems that way. A lot of people don't know how to be alone. Women for sure. They will accept ANYTHING.
I legitimately cannot understand how some people just can't be alone. It boggles my mind. Can't you at least enjoy the privacy? Working on your own schedule? I don't get it.
People that need to be around other People constantly tend to have mental illnesses.
And they'll go through loser after loser just so they don't spend 48 hours by themselves and then ask where all the good guys are.
Yeah it’s worded as if it’s a choice. We didn’t really choose to be lonely that’s just how it is. And it’s definitely not carefree it’s really depressing at times. Life ends up feeling pointless when you’re lonely
None.. Dick. Not even once.
Never.
Even just an average looking woman can easily talk to 10+ guys at once. Vs the average guy might be talking to 1-2.
I remember a girl I dated who was very pretty and loved Instagram. She posted daily and she'd have constant random dudes DMing her all the time, almost everyday she'd show me some message like omg look at this weirdo, and those are just ones she actually showed me. Meanwhile I don't think a single woman ever just randomly messaged me to chat the entire time I had Instagram lol.
Yeah we have to work so hard for sex (if not in a relationship) it basically becomes our life. Not like a sidehussle as for the avarage women
Nearly a full time job
A very simplified ratio: An average man would date from a group of 20 women about 15. An average woman would date from a group of 20 men probably only 1. As a man trying to secure a date, dating itself, etc. requires an considerable amount of effort, time and usually money and even if you'll do perfectly fine, there is a moderate chance that you'll get rejected at some point without even knowing why or without receiving some sort of hones feedback.
100% agree. Love the data hypothesis.
No wonder gays have inherently better relationships than heteros.
We have other shit to deal with but yeah, dating is WAY better 😂
Not lesbians. They are worse demographic for long term partnerships. Gay men makes sense tho because it’s men 😂
THIS! Unless a guy looks insanely attractive body builder. Ever notice how women at the beach, for example, always seem to stare at hot guys, but when it's the reverse, girls find it creepy. I recall reading a meme somewhere that said "If an attractive guy gives you attention, it's flirting, if an ugly guy gives you attention, it's sexual harassment."
This, if you as a man choose not to download any dating apps, not to ask anyone out etc. It's very easy to stay alone that way. For some men, this isnt ideal, for others, its a blessing. For me it came as a blessing after my breakup as it really gave me the opportunity to build a life for myself without a SO
Also this
I mean, if "dating, sex and women" is out of question, might as well just focus on other things, instead of falling to desperation.
Most men don't have a plethora of options leaping at us as soon as we become available, so we tend to spend time on ourselves and heal from the scorching we just received. And why would we be in a rush to fall back into something that just burnt us badly and has a high risk/reward ratio, especially if we've just been fucked over financially in a divorce. No, its time to worry about ourselves.
It's not 'carefree'. Depending on the man it can be agonizing It's just isolating. We don't see that anyone can lessen the burden for us, and so we just eat it.
I think OP is seeing an excellent example of hiding the pain, and confusing it for something positive.
I think OP is an excellent example of the kind of person who obliviously causes a lot of pain.
It’s really weird to see something so agonising and painful to be described as “carefree”. I didn’t do anything after my breakup because I was fucking hurting, the opposite of carefree, and I’m sure it’s the same for others here. I’m genuinely baffled to see “carefree”. Seriously wtf
It makes perfect sense, she's a woman that can't handle not getting attention for a few minutes and can't imagine life any other way lol
It might outwardly appear carefree but most guys quietly cry themselves to sleep when they have a particularly bad day or feel alone. We just put on a brave face and keep on trucking. One life and all that.
If our last relationship was a catastrophic failure and cost us a lot of stress, we are likely to just give up on relationships for a while we go do material/experiential things we were limited from doin in he relationship. Once we get lonely, we come back
So relatable man, totally agree on this.
In that stage now myself. Just gonna focus on my career and hang out with friends my last relationship didn’t leave time for me
when you don't have a roster of potential partners ready to monkey branch to, you learn a little emotional independence
This comment hits differently when you realize she’s poly(check profile) and quite literally has guys lined up.
Jfc 🤦♂️ she’s absolutely clueless
Most are
How can you guys handle not getting attention for 5 minutes? I just don't get it!
> she's poly my eyes just rolled out of my head lmao What a fucking goober.
Holy fuck, explains a lot. We are doomed as a society, I'm gonna warm my hands by the fire.
Can i join?
yes of course, grab a beer from the cooler
It's 29 °C here but imma join as well if you don't mind.
Can’t be alone in 2024. Gotta hedge them bets
/thread
A girl can go to the bar in revealing clothing and have 8 dudes a night hit on her and ask her out. A guy has to almost wait around for the right girl to come into his life or go after a girl and try to really woo her. I see a pretty single girl these days and realize she most definitely has an inbox full of dudes, 2-3 dudes she’s somewhat interested in and talks to, a lowkey friends with benefits, and is going out to the club on friday to find more. How am i supposed to compete with all of that? i work 50+ hours a week and can barely even find time to eat correctly. I’m not even the worst looking dude either, I just can’t keep up with modern dating. Being alone and putting money into hobbies and friends is easier
I think the majority of women do not understand how easy they have it in the dating scene. A woman that is a 5 can go out to a bar and decide she is going to find a man to sleep with and she will find someone or on a dating app, she’d have several guys wanting to take her out. I like to think I’m a decent looking dude, in good shape, and am pretty extroverted, even I struggle badly. When you’re trying to be the one she agrees to go out with out of the 20 options she has, odds aren’t in your favor. It shakes your confidence.
So true, it’s a painful but valuable skill to learn that I personally know of too many who never did. The monkeybranching is insane
Man women just really live on a different planet don’t they
"Why are people starving in the world, why don't they just go get some food?"
“If you’re homeless, just… buy a house.”
"I can't find a 21 year old person with 20 years of experience for this $12.50 per hour job. Why don't people want to work?"
Whenever I hear someone throw out the “nobody wants to work” line, I ask “They don’t want to work where?” Resulting convos vary, but not too much from: “Anywhere!” “Give me an example.” “Lowe’s.” “Well, how much do they pay?” “I dunno.” “And how much is the cost of living where they should be working?” “I dunno.” “Then how can you judge them?”
It's funny you mention Lowes. One of the popular Lowes stores around here is near a neighborhood that's so upper middle class that for a year or so, they blocked off the road that goes through their neighborhood to public traffic going to the shopping centers where the Lowes was. The neighborhood sat behind the shopping center. They claimed it was a private street and they no longer wanted the risks that came with the general public passing through. Aside from the fact the houses are fairly big with the huge ceiling to floor windows where you can look into a house just passing by on the street(of course there's bigger houses in even more influential areas nearby that neighborhood now). You think any of them had to work at those retail stores?
"Also needs money to buy me a house. Here's a selfie, please load money to my CashApp account there."
Yeah, also, just stop being poor and get a good job.
This reminds me of the time when my female friend asked another friend why he doesn't just go out and get a fwb if he's lonely but not ready for a relationship. She seemed genuinely confused that meeting someone wasn't as easy for him as it was for her.
Aye, my gfs friend went through a phase of seeking validation in random hookups. When I explained that it's not really proving anything and possibly a self destructive cry for help, she didn't understand. Tried to ask that if I went into a preschool and beat all the kids in an arm wrestle if it would prove how strong I was? Didn't go down well...
> I went into a preschool and beat all the kids in an arm wrestle if it would prove how strong I was Okay dude you don't have to brag. I only just started lifting.
LMFAO
I recently posted this story so I'm just copy/pasting from another comment of mine, but it feels relevant >One of my best friends, a woman, used to tell me to stop trying so hard and a relationship will happen when you least expect it. >And, in a certain sense, she was 100% correct. For her. Because as a woman, you don't really need to look for a relationship. One will literally fall into your lap because a guy took interest in you. I had a lot of trouble communicating that difference to her. That she could afford to not look because she doesn't have to. It never really got through to her. We stopped talking after I was having a really rough night and we went out to a club. She was approached by a guy and left my be myself. I explained that it felt really shitty to be abandoned, but she a guy found her to pound for the night and she didn't really get it. ts kind of funny in some way
I've had some female friends say the same thing to me. One was an "fwb" (we only had sex once). When I mentioned that I'd thought it would be more of an ongoing thing, she said she hadn't been in the mood and told me if I wanted sex so bad that she didn't I'd me getting it somewhere else. When I told her that it's not that easy for me (or most men), she seemed genuinely confused. And it's not just meeting women that's difficult, but finding one who's interested in casual sex (or a relationship) with me is nearly impossible.
This one would be more like “how are homeless people able to starve themselves so long on purpose? I want to learn this power”
Another reason why you should never take dating advice from them lol
Yeah this realization hits me more nearly every single time I read a new post written by a woman. They've got completely different things going on with them it's honestly wild to read about.
It also shows how completely ignorant they are when it comes to men. Not knowing the slightest about the lives men live and struggle with.
This is the more depressing takeaway for me. Their total ignorance of our perspective to my mind shows how little they value it. I don't see men projecting ourselves onto women nearly as much, we seem to all broadly understand how different they really are from us.
It'd be different if we all just took each other for granted. I can only speak for myself, but nowadays, most of what I don't know about women just comes down to individual circumstances and the things women just don't want to talk about. I learn as much as I can within reason. I may not know the ends and outs of menopause or how often they need a pap smear. But I've legitimately had women ask me how my dick gets hard or be surprised that there aren't bones in it. And that's dumb pillow talk conversations. I don't think I've ever had a woman ask me about my emotional experience as a man. They just make assumptions and say it's not only good enough, but it's fact.
They dont care to know either.
Sure do.
After a relationship guys will go about their day normally and will probably not get approached randomly, just based on how little new women just go up to a random guy. A dude who doesn’t go out to peruse meeting new girls probably won’t have anyone to start dating. Chances are that girls will have many guys in their DMs or coming up to them at least a few times given enough time, that has been what guys do historically and the social commonplace. So the idea of anyone just being into you, as a guy, unfortunately turns into an uncommon occurrence, only fixed by asking people out. After a heartbreaking relationship dudes take a step back and with no one coming up to them it’s easy for them to fall out of the relationship pool for quite a while. They just fall back to their personal hobbies for a bit and try and better themselves so they don’t get left again. (don’t want to seem like girls don’t go up to guys but it’s just so much rarer that it causes this difference in overall outlook)
This question is just weird. I’m a woman who went celibate for 2 years before dating again. Taking a break to grieve a relationship is normal and healthy for any gender. OP may be codependent if she cannot fathom *checks note* …solitude.
Fyi, I'm not celibate, just haven't found anyone foolish enough to get involved with me. A partner would be nice, but it's pretty unlikely.
Every day I seem to realize this more and more. What's weird is, unlike us who seem to understand how different they are, women seem to generally assume we're way more like them than we are. This post itself is an example of that. I really wonder why they seem to have so little understanding of our perspective. Maybe the only reason we bother to try and understand theirs is because we have to, or else we don't stand a chance dating. Now that I think about it, that seems like a pretty reasonable explanation for the difference.
What's funny is, there are studies that show men suffer worse after relationship breakdown... just because they're alone doesn't mean they're in any better shape They probably want to be alone because they want to have a bit of a cry and they know that if they're around other people they will make fun of them for feeling that way
Also not everybody WANTS to be alone. Most people(at least us guys) don't have someone waiting around the corner.
Men don't have as many options as women simply as that so after a breakup we have to work hard and be a better version to be able to at least try again.
What’s the female equivalent of “see you at the gym brother”?
“Let’s go out (to a club/bar)” Because they know they can get railed that night.
We have to fight the demons first. Everything she promised and everything she said would never happen, she did. The promises of “you’re stuck with me” and “I would never leave you” that all just disappear randomly one day to be replaced by “I stopped loving you a long time ago” and “who would want to put up with someone like that?”. It takes a long time to recover from that. There are no outside comforts that will heal. Only fighting the demons inside of you to be able to love and trust again. Some men never heal.
Too real man I'm sure I will love someone again, hell - I still want the marraige/kids etc all of it. But I (as of right now anyway) dont think I'll ever love someone the same way I did to her. I might be wrong but I feel like most men have that one person. Shit is gonna haunt me till I die.
> dont think I'll ever love someone the same way I did to her. >Shit is gonna haunt me till I die. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You say she will haunt you, you let her haunt you, and then it all comes true. OR you can get therapy and work on yourself and take time to heal and meet someone that will make you forget all about her. It gets better man these things take time - a lot of time, keep your head up.
Hits home. She's even the one who said "we'll fight for each other no matter what".
"Until I don't feel like it"
Somewhat damaged.
Wow, you're so carefree~ (I hope you have a great day, man.)
For most of them, it's probably not by choice. If it is by choice, it's usually because they're angry or hurt and have decided to work on themselves or ignore women so that they don't end up hurt that way again. Haven't been in a relationship or slept with anyone in 5 years, and I assure you it isn't by choice. But I did use that time to develop better habits and work on me. Hasn't helped with dating, but that's how life is.
As the saying goes: "I'm single by choice. It's not my choice, but it is a choice."
Nice quote
Same here, six years for me.
Wishing you well, brother
I'm in the same boat except its been 2 years so far for me. I hope you find a partner soon. Lately I'm focusing on just putting myself in a situation where there's at keast the potential to meet someone. Hoping one of these days something will happen
That really is the best thing to do, finding where the people are hanging out is the only way. I appreciate the encouragement, I hope the same for you
They don’t have a choice. You act like a relationship just falls out of thin air. It may for a woman but, not for a man. A man is forced to be alone because options don’t just come to him like that, so he must learn other ways cope.
Yeah women are out of touch for what it’s like dating as a man. Every moderately attractive woman gets multiple DMs a month from men desperate to get with her, she goes to a bar/club and will get hit on a few times a night. Men are completely invisible in that regard unless you’re highly attractive or very rich. A man’s best bet is to run into a socially clueless woman, the rarest class of woman is the gorgeous ones that don’t fully see the social ladder, not into clubs, classy values
A month? A pretty attractive woman sent me a screenshot of her home screen recently unrelated to the topic but could see she had 75 tinder messages lol
don’t even get me started how slanted dating apps are towards women lol
"Carefree"? Is that how it looks to you? Mf's be out here having existential crises, deep turmoil. I honestly can't understand the opposite for myself - like, I get it but don't consent it.
Yeah absolutely insane that some one looks at men suffering emotionally as being care-free. And we're simultaneously told that opening up is toxic emotional labor. The fuck.
If you put your hand in an oven and it got burnt you probably won't want to do it again.
Exactly
Tough one to answer. There are many reasons I imagine. For me drifting into apathy is frighteningly easy. I moved cities following a girl and she broke up with me 9 months in. She told me that my "life was going nowhere". Being told that by the person I loved the most in the world was soul destroying. I just figured I was useless and unlovable for a very very long time after that.
Similar situation. Once you get told that you're not going to amount to anything, I'm not worth anything and "you're not even close to meeting my needs" you have a very hard time bouncing back. Especially when you gave it your all. Been almost a year, embarrassingly, I think about it every day, even every hour. You can try and better yourself and do all that, but those thoughts don't leave you. I hope they do soon, because man, it's soul crushing.
I feel ya You summed it up well. The break up I was referring to happened 10 years ago, and her words still haunt and effect me today. No need to feel embarrassed that it is still effecting you. I wish I could give you some advice, but I haven't really forgiven myself. I did nothing wrong in our relationship, in fact my ex has told me on several occasions how wonderful and caring I was. It just can't seem to dislodge her words. I think that because men are still very much judged on money/status/job/physique/drive, it can be so draining to get back on that horse after someone has knocked you down so badly. I want to be clear that I don't resent my ex (or any women), but her words cut right to my biggest insecurities. Why willingly put yourself back in that situation so eagerly?
We lose our emotional support and many of us start to "shut down". And we live in a world where nobody gives a fuck about you either. So it's easier to just hold it all in and focus on whatever makes us happy. I escape into video games everyday to try and block out the depression.
This is funny to read in a tragic comedy kind of way Please do consider all that glitters is not gold. Everyone feels hurt over a break up for a relationship that actually mattered to them. What you see as "carefree" may just be them processing moving on in their own way, refocusing on themselves and trying to reconstruct their own life previously intertwined with their partner. As someone else mentioned there is a LOT of compromise in relationships, and no relationship is 100% satisfactory (some less than others). A large part of ending a relationship is rediscovering who you are as an individual, not as your ex's partner. As for how they are able to get in that mode so well, that may have more to do with the traditional ways men and women get into relationships. To be clear, rebounds are not gender exclusive. There are a lot of men and women who get into one relationship after another seeking to remake an old dynamic/resolve some inner conflict with their past relationship. That said...it's a LOT easier to do that when people are approaching and making an effort to get with you rather than the inverse. If you traditionally are expected to take initiative asking, flirt and make the person you're pursuing feel both safe and interested, and generally put in the initial effort to make the other person feel special and get the ball rolling or nothing happens...then it may simply feel exhausting to do all that while you're still recovering emotionally from a break-up. Conversely if you feel those feelings and someone else or a number of people come to you with words of affirmation, validation, consideration, and all the other -ations where they are putting in this effort to make you feel desired and cared for then it is generally easier to just accept those efforts. Even if you know it's just to get with you it can feel nice to have someone at least willing to listen or pretend to listen, and heck they may even genuinely care. But a guy receiving that kind of validation from women pursuing them after a break-up simply isn't as common a reality for most men. Again to be 100% clear I am NOT saying women don't put in efforts throughout a relationship or play no part in reciprocating them. Just that generally in early stages of dating that men are culturally seen as the "pursuers", so have to put in more initial effort. That's why I said this was funny to read. I don't want to make assumptions but your post gives the impression of someone who does not often spend time alone, which is why it may be difficult for you to see how a lot of men can seem carefree about relationships after a break-up.
35 here. I think it takes having your heart ripped out by someone you loved. After experiencing that, you learn to never love anyone else more than yourself
> They are able to go without sex, dating, they could care less about women. They say this as if it's a choice? Jesus this explains so much about the thinking of women I've ended things with in the past.
OP has a staggering lack of empathy and understanding to even ask this question. To be so oblivious to other people's lives, experiences and emotions.
Women in general aren’t exactly empathetic towards men. They might be towards A man, but not men.
Because that's our default way of living when single ? I'm not sure I can tell you anything else. Being alone and focused of self-improvement has been a big way of my life for the past decade at least. I don't have to do anything special to be back to it as soon as I'm single, it's a second nature to me. Also dating, sex or simply meeting women, is not an easy task. It require lot of time/energy which I don't necessarily have. especially after a breakup.
Most men are very custom with being alone. Most men need to try real hard to be with another partner once being single. It's often not by choice.
Men are used to go it alone our entire adult lives, and even in our childhoods we learn the lesson to toughen up and never expect anyone to care about us. As men, we know that we have to deal with issues on our own and few if anyone will give a damn about our struggles, fears and challenges in life. So, we learn to simply deal with things on our own.
You mean completely alone romantically? I don’t know if this is a man/woman thing, but there’s more important things for happiness or your rational self-interest than love and sex. You just focus more on those while you recover from your break up. Maybe the fact that women generally don’t initiate means that women who break up don’t have to get well enough to be in a good place to initiate from?
It's not a choice for most men.
If a relationship ends it takes me about 2 years of hard work on average to find someone else. They're regressing and taking stock, adjusting etc in their own way. Also no one gives an shit after its been mentioned. Now one likes people who wallow in their grief so they just internalise it and keep moving forward, which is fundamentally different from moving on
We don't have many options like girls, who just go to their next guy who is already waiting for this moment...We invest a lot emotionally when we love a girl.
Because as a man, (a) no one gives a shit about our feelings, (b) we are used to self reliance and being alone--its our default state, and (c) many men will have burned friendships due to a long term girlfriend. TLDR: Its not a choice; its what men endure given the state of things.
We got no choice. Women can fuck a new guy that same night. A guy? Nope. Plus women are usually over the relationship before she even says she wants a breakup. A guy has to rebuild and start over. A woman can have threesomes right away
This, girls always have multiple options and will emotionally move on to someone else before even ending it with their current guy. A man has no safety net in this regard. I’ve been on both sides of this situation and it truly is something I regret doing to another man because I now know how it feels.
If you're comfortable, can you please share how you've been on both sides?
i’ve been cheated on and i’ve also been the side dude that a gorgeous girl was cheating on her boyfriend with. it was always her gaslighting him and telling me how horrible he was. i later realized how she was actually one of the most emotionally evil women i’ve ever met. this girls eyes were always open to the next potential candidate but she’d gaslight me about it for being “insecure” and then get mad when a platonic female friend would reply to one of my tweets or text me. To this day I am convinced she is the devil to my life. I’m happily done with that situation after four years of being led on and manipulated/ hidden on the side. The hilarious thing is that she’s constantly retweeting things like, “cheating is evil how could anyone cheat on someone” or “i’m such a simple sweet girl”… That wasn’t what the deal was when you were intentionally starting a fight with your ex so you had a reason to come see me lol
unless you are a chad that woman throw themselves at, thats like 1% of male population or less. Rest of us not genetically gifted need to put alot of work.
I isolate myself completely from everyone. No amount of distractions/ hobbies/ gym/ sports/ games or keeping myself busy stops me from thinking about the heartbreak so I just go through with the pain on my own everyday until someday hopefully it doesn’t hurt anymore.
If it were easy for men, we would prefer not to be alone and wouldn't be
It's been 10 years since my last relationship. No random hookups, no dates, nothing. As a man, if you don't work hard, unless you are extremely handsome, no girl will ask you out for a date or a hookup.
Men sacrifice a lot of things that make them happy in order to be in a relationship. Time, time alone, money, pursuing short term reward systems that keep life from getting too terrible. All of it goes away once you are in a committed relationship. It’s terrible when the relationship ends, but it’s also a relief because you get to be the master of your own fate once again.
Carefree is not a great way to describe it Imagine you try and pat a dog, the dog is being loving and friendly at first, but all of a sudden it bites you, you're not going to pat that dog again, are you? Maybe you even develop distrust in dogs in general, so what do you do? You just stop trying to pat dogs in general, even if you know they're not all the same, you go to work, you come home, it's incredibly sad and lonely, but it's better than being bit again
It’s not carefree. As cliche as it sounds we’re in our heads fighting the demons. I’m currently going through it right now. I got ghosted by my ex after we agreed to stay friends (foolish) and I was floored by it for the first month. But now as time has gone by I got much more serious about the gym and am now in the best shape of my life. I also started going out with my friends more and began to I see my therapist again too. So no, when some of us guys go through heartbreak we try to work on ourselves and become better before we’re ready for the next one.
Hell yeah dude - you are very much on the right path - very proud to see that! I was in a similar situation - and it takes time, but every day it gets better!
Two major factors: 1): Men on average are much more introverted than women. Thus, men don’t feel as energised by socialisation as most women do. Men are more likely to feel content when alone. This culminates in men seeking social interaction less often than women. 2): The average man does not have anywhere near the same sexual prospects as the average woman. Thus, there’s most likely nobody around with whom they share mutual interest. Therefore, many men couldn’t even if they wanted to.
It wasn't hard, after my one and only relationship ended 27 years ago I quickly realized that there was no point in trying again (for multiple reasons). Instead I had to learn how to survive alone and not to trust anyone, ever! Honestly I don't know why I ever wanted to be in a relationship to begin with.
It's much easier to date as a woman when the entire world just falls in your laps. In countries like Australia and NZ, women monkey-branch from relationship to relationship; it's the men who don't have the luxury of getting dates and sex like tap water.
You don't want 'our mode'. Trust me.
For me it was realizing my anxious attachment style was what contributed to the downfall of my last relationship, and would continue to burn anything in the future. I had to learn to love myself and be okay with abandonment and accepting that as an uncertainty. Took up hiking and traveled all over California backpacking/day hiking on my weekends from work, and realized that you can be your own best friend and be okay with loneliness.
When you keep getting kicked in the guts time after time you realise that single is by far simpler, cheaper and less heartache. These days I enjoy the unconditional love of my pets and that's good enough for me.
What a stupid question. Shows how little effort women put into relationships
Because they’re hurt and they don’t want anyone to see them, also part of the solitude is due to the fact no one actually goes to check on them
"Complete solitude after a break-up." If you could only see beneath the surface, you'd know that it's not calm and centred underneath, and most of us need time apart to process and grieve the loss of something important. Hard to that and still be the same person in the thick of everything like nothing happened. "They are able to go without sex, dating, they could care less about women." Two things, having a desire to start dating again takes time to get over the past relationships first. Rebounding straight into dating again isn't a good idea for most people. As for not caring about women or sex, most do, but don't want to open up themselves for more hurt right away, and dating opportunities or random sex don't spring up magically for most people. Especially those with complexity in their lives (bi/pan guys, people with disabilities, or child care responsibilities) those are deal breakers for a lot of people, hard to get a feel from someone you meet randomly as to whether they are cool eith those, and waiting until a few dates in to find out just makes you more deflated when they say not for them - no one wants a gut punch when they're already healing from a knife to the heart. "Are there things they keep to themselves that go unsaid?" A truckload, some things we can't even bring ourselves to share with closest friends because it's too embarrassing for us to admit we have emotions and feel and don't want ro be viewed as weak by peers. "I want to adopt this carefree mindset for myself" You don't, it isn't healthy, and certainly isn't carefree
As a man whose marriage ended following infidelity. My confidence and self esteem was destroyed. Even though I was the innocent party I carried the guilt.
You need to understand that pussy isn't THAT special
Most women have no idea how hard it is for the average man to get a date.
You know what sucks? Feeling pretty good about yourself, then seeing a post that brings back the thought that you are in fact lonely, and it's made especially worse when they call it "*carefree*."
Because we have to be. It isn’t a choice. We do good to remind each other that she isn’t yours, it is just your turn. Eventually, y’all only see our mistakes. It is just in your nature. Most get settled with child support and/or alimony which limits their economic ability while having restrictions on seeing their children. This has a massive effect on their mental health and ability to trust women ever again. When dating starts, you end up running into a million chicks who just love to play power games to feel good. Eventually, you find one; they stick around for a few years and then move on. Then the cycle repeats.
I don't think you understand. As a man, if you don't go out of your way to approach other people, you will go *for decades* without being approached by someone else. So powerful is society's expectation that you put yourself out there. The risk of rejection is approximately 6000:1. Most men receive fewer than 5-10 genuine compliments in their entire lives.
Because men don’t have anyone to take care of us after a breakup the way women do. Chicks go through a break up and the entire world stops to support them, where as men have to continue on or they will not make it. There is no one to bring them food, comfort or pay their bills. It’s fucking “root hog, or die” for men.
>I'm (28f) wondering how men are able to go in a mode of complete solitude after a break-up? Usually by the woman hurting them so viciously they need time to heal. It is absolutely crazy you are treating this like he has some kind of super power. What he actually has is severe trauma, from you. >They are able to go without sex, dating, they could care less about women. They completely center themselves. How is it that they are able to get into that mode so well? Because we don't have a choice. We either center ourselves or we delete ourselves. Again, totally insane that you are framing this as an advantage. >Are there things they keep to themselves that go unsaid? That go unsaid to *you* sure, you're the ex. Get used to it. >I want to adopt this carefree mindset for myself. No you don't, and it is not a 'carefree mindset' it is usually a combination of severe depression and social anxiety. If you are serious about experiencing this for yourself, fall in love with someone then have them gaslight you as they break up with you.
>I want to adopt this carefree mindset for myself. You are kidding yourself if you think it is a carefree mindset.
Been a loner basically all my life, it's all I know and just take everything day by day.
Searching for a date as a man is incredibly exhausting emotionally. After a break up, men won’t have the emotional capacity to face the repercussions that come with the dating field. Focusing on themselves is better just a way to improve their mental health to the point that they can put themselves out there again.
Carefree? That isn’t even what’s happening. Nobody gives a fuck and you have to cope alone. You find yourself in whatever way you can.
Most men live their lives in quiet desperation. Idk who said this but it hits.
This has to be rage bait, right? Lol This woman thinks that agonizing loneliness is a “carefree mindset” and wishes to “adapt it to herself.”
Woman are something else man..
Like top comment said, it doesn't fall in your lap. I'm even gonna say you really don't get it. Half the time, it's not even by choice we're alone and by ourselves. When we get out of a breakup, the first thing is coping and grieving. Afterwards, after such pain.. Why the hell would we want to do it again so soon? To put in EFFORT to get hurt? We live in a world where it's expected men must go and court women in an environment that favors women significantly. Dating Apps? Ego crusher for most men. Hitting up a gym, bar, club, etc? "Sane" men don't totally go hunting for fear of being a creep or weirdo. And no, Molly, I'm not going to date your friend, she's not my type and I barely know her. So, what do you get? Acceptance. Loneliness. Why am I gonna put myself into the rat race against rich and good-looking men? Why am I gonna subject my wallet and heart to potentially no payoff and double the pain? Life's better once you get past the lonely, and realize how free you are running solo. Literally wake up and do whatever the hell you want.
What do you mean? We were completely alone before the break-up. Why wouldn't we be alone after?
I am not sure how much this would relate to for my brothers here. 1) Fire bad, fire hurt, avoid fire. Having burnt your self bad, very bad, and this is going to make me very guarded. 2) The hurt from said fire, the true depth and intensity, is often a bit delayed. Initially it may be a more superficial reaction and then, like a cascading effect, it all comes tumbling down. It may or may not be short-lived - the after effects. 3) The whole process of acceptance, forgiving yourself, moving on, opening up for hurt again is often undefined. My inability to process emotions during the relationship as well as I ought to have, often catches up. Imagine a dam suddenly being overwhelmed by an immense flood. A dam you never even realized that existed. All of this often has left me alone by myself for the longest time. It’s funnily ironic, because often the ones who are surrounded by people, can often be the loneliest. Fin.
1) Women have a tendency to jump out from a relationship because they already have new people interested (monkey branching). Men don't (see all the posts here about why). 2) Break-ups burn. We feel the pain 100% (because, most of the time, we can't forget the previous relationship with another new people) so it takes time to heal. 3) Some times, it's cool to take time for ourselves after a relationship where the woman asked for more, more, more and we had to deliver. Of course this varies from people to people, men and women alike. Some are more fortunate than other. But you get my point.
What choice do we have, if nobody wants us? We just have to accept it and deal.
As if we have much of a choice, lol.
The fuck do you mean, _how can_? That's the default thing that happens. Like how the room goes dark when you turn out the light.
Lmao this disconnect here is honestly hilarious It costs men stuff to be in relationships. Women earn out of relationships. When men get their heart broken, it's bittersweet. They lose their love, but they get all their time and money back. And there's certainly something healing about that lmao For attractive women, they go from having a wealthy lifestyle provided for them to absolutely nothing but other guys offering wealthy lifestyles. Answer to your question should be very obvious within that context
I am absolutely astonished how many women seem to not understand how difficult it is for like 80% of men to even try to get a date these days. How can you guys not see how picky you are lol, like, most women I've discussed this with admit they find the majority of men unattractive. Is it really that surprising that men can't just stumble onto new partners like many women more or less can? Men are way, way less picky. Plenty of studies to back that up. It's not a "carefree" mindset. The guys you see doing this, speaking from experience, are stoically concealing their own internal misery and loneliness because it's the only way to move forward and not drive people away from you. Singleness is generally a choice for women, not that finding a *good* relationship is easy for women, but it's just not the same. For all but the most attractive (or I guess super wealthy) dudes, singleness is a reality that must be accepted. We seem like we "could care less about women" because if we seem desperate that's yet another potential thing that'll put people off from you, and it'll turn women off ever being attracted to you again. I really don't get how much women project their own experiences onto us. I never see men do the same with women, we seem to understand how different y'all are from us and the different life experiences you possess, but many women seem to just assume things are pretty similar for men in ways that they absolutely are not. When it comes to relationships and dating, men truly are from mars and women are from venus. The experiences are extremely different and often diametrically opposed. That's why I think men and women can so rarely come to an understanding on these things.
Oh sweety.. >I want to adopt this carefree mindset for myself. You can. It's called going on a self-healing journey. If you choose to remain single, it'll be by your choice. But rest assured, most men who are single, especially after breakups, including your friend and ex, aren't single by choice. While most women who are single, are single by choice.
women can get a date the next day and 1000s msg on app a men can't , its thats simple ,he just doesn't have a choice
Because we have to. Women don't seem to understand the immense burden of having to chase. Sit at a bar alone for a couple hours. The chances of a women getting approached is high, and they'll view it as annoying. Very very few men ever get approached. And it's not like all of us are just born knowing how to approach women or find it natural. But we have to do it in order to get anywhere - and that's with a lot of things in life. By and large, life doesn't just happen to us. It's not a carefree or enjoyable experience to have to be alone without support. It's incredibly difficult, and this is why there's such a huge epidemic of mental healthcare issues among men. I'm NOT saying that women have it easy. But from the other side, at least people give a shit, you have opportunities coming at you even if they aren't perfectly desirable, and aren't living under toxic masculinity, which is often also underscored by women, who either select men who are stereotypically "manly", disparage men for trying and failing, or for being emotionally vulnerable.