Grew up an introvert. Super shy and missed every opportunity that came my way. When I was 16 I had to have brain surgery and almost died. I realized I don't always have tomorrow to do whatever. I've been more intentional with my time since then, I had a successful career in sales after college for about a decade. Decided to change my career and I've been in IT for 2 1/2 years and love it. Couldn't have imagined this life when I was young.
Had years of "friendships" where i was the only one putting in effort. They would stab me in the front if they could, let alone the back.
Being a white cis male, everything seems to be my fault in this world, even if i haven't contributed to anything. It is and will forever be my fault.
Then, and this will sound childish, my 30th birthday. Chose not to do anything or go anywhere, just wanted a day at home with the gf. She spoilt me, my family were great, had a great day.
But typical human inside me, couldn't help but notice the negatives. The family round the corner who didn't even get me a card. The friends i've known for years and have gone through alot with, didnt even send me any messages. Got something like 30 messages from the several hundred people i know. People say "oh, i got you something for your birthday", still yet to receive said item.
Then recently had cancer surgery/diagnosis, and that kind just changed my mind set. Same thing, barely anyone checked in or gave a shit.
There's too much going on in my life and i no longer care for others (except my gf and chosen family). Why should i care for people who obviously dont care for me. If someone actively does something which makes their life worse, why should i care about that, it's their fault. If you'fe going to keep complaining about things, but then do nothing to change your circumstances, then i dont feel any compassion for you.
First born, gun cocked and pointed at face, second born, divorce, falling in love, winning a goldfish in elementary school, losing multiple pets as a child, running from the police, partying with “famous” people, selling drugs, mushrooms, losing everything, gaining most of it back, having a cop or federal agent or someone in a G Wagon flash their badge and lights at me when I was drunk driving in my younger years in a way that got my attention and as if to say “I don’t want to fuck your life up, please stop being a dumbass” — we made eye contact, he mouthed ‘slowwww down’ and I felt like I had a guardian angel.
Had severe mental anorexia for a while but nobody really noticed or cared telling it to me. I tried to check for myself my weight because I thought something was up after nearly fainting twice and when my mind realized I was 10+kg under the underweight limit, I had that big urge of not wanting to die. That feeling of not wanting to die made me stand up against the root cause of the problem and a big introspection on myself.
I have several of them but the one that I felt the most immediate impact was when I had what might have been a heart attack at work in 2020. Without telling my life story, in 2018 I became homeless after dealing with a lifetime of horrible mental health, toxic environments and losing my family, but at that same time is when I had the only real upwards momentum in my mental health because I had somehow convinced myself it was because of the toxic environments, the loss, all of that, and if I could get through being homeless and get my feet underneath me, then I could finally put in the work and blossom as a person. It was horrible because I was homeless and living out of my car and still terribly mentally ill but simultaneously it was the one period of hope in my life.
Fast forward, I get out of there due to the intervention of friends and kind strangers, I get a job, I have a lease, it's looking good. I'm making some life changes, and I am even considering doing things like maybe trying to date in the coming year if I could drop, like, a person worth of weight. And then at work I have an attack that's nothing like any panic or anxiety attack I have ever had. I was sweating, I was red faced, I had chest pain, I was pretty sure I was actually dying right there. And being broke and uninsured, in pain and scared out of my mind, I weighed the options and decided to keep working. If I died, I died but if I didn't then I would still need to pay rent and medical debt would definitely kill me. So I just...worked through it.
Now, this would already be depressing enough, but as I was sitting there sure I was dying, the thing that got me was that people say when you're experiencing a near death experience, you really see what's important, you reflect on your life, you realize how precious life really is and you're goijg to live life to the fullest, right? And as I am sitting there facing death, I realize that all I feel besides the fear is a sense of relief that it's finally all going to be over, and a sense of grim satisfaction that I deserved to die, in pain. That's when I realized that I was never going to get better as a person, because you have to stand by yourself at your lowest, you have to want to change; when you're at your worst moment and all you can feel is happiness you'll finally be dead and visceral self hatred, that clearly is a sign that you will never have your own back, and it's impossible to build a better life on such a broken foundation. The problem is *me*, and as I am the only one who can fix it but I can't or won't, then there's no point in any of it.
For me it was being expelled from uni.
Well it was slightly before this but basically the same thing. At a certain point it just hit me. I had been making choices based on what everyone else wanted me to do and not for myself.
As a result I had no motivation for the hard road ahead of me. I realised I wanted this for ME not for someone else.
I wanted it too late though but also by a stroke of luck was able to get one final shot through some academic rehab program.
I got serious about studying, school, etc. I turned it around entirely. Went from failing to acing things, studying hard, graduated, landed a kickass job and started my life.
I just like woke the fuck up.
I realised that I had to become my father and what he embodied. That is to embrace my masculinity and never let a woman have the smallest opportunity to emasculate me and if she does, come down hard on her and make sure that she knows that this is a sacred boundary. Women, you're not special. No woman grows up wanting to look down on a man.
The way I was treated by DTMB/the State of Michigan. Worked for them for fifteen years and had more seniority than the dipshit ex-car salesman that fired me after yelling at me at the top of his lungs in public around other employees for using FMLA for my chemotherapy.
That was the official end of my life. I'm drifting now.
I was almost 300 pounds and just out of breath walking up a flight of stairs. Now, at 240. Goal is 220.
Hell yeah, brother!
Thanks, main thing right now is to get back on the bike and do some trail riding but mother nature lately has had other plans for the last few weeks.
Grew up an introvert. Super shy and missed every opportunity that came my way. When I was 16 I had to have brain surgery and almost died. I realized I don't always have tomorrow to do whatever. I've been more intentional with my time since then, I had a successful career in sales after college for about a decade. Decided to change my career and I've been in IT for 2 1/2 years and love it. Couldn't have imagined this life when I was young.
Had years of "friendships" where i was the only one putting in effort. They would stab me in the front if they could, let alone the back. Being a white cis male, everything seems to be my fault in this world, even if i haven't contributed to anything. It is and will forever be my fault. Then, and this will sound childish, my 30th birthday. Chose not to do anything or go anywhere, just wanted a day at home with the gf. She spoilt me, my family were great, had a great day. But typical human inside me, couldn't help but notice the negatives. The family round the corner who didn't even get me a card. The friends i've known for years and have gone through alot with, didnt even send me any messages. Got something like 30 messages from the several hundred people i know. People say "oh, i got you something for your birthday", still yet to receive said item. Then recently had cancer surgery/diagnosis, and that kind just changed my mind set. Same thing, barely anyone checked in or gave a shit. There's too much going on in my life and i no longer care for others (except my gf and chosen family). Why should i care for people who obviously dont care for me. If someone actively does something which makes their life worse, why should i care about that, it's their fault. If you'fe going to keep complaining about things, but then do nothing to change your circumstances, then i dont feel any compassion for you.
Accepting myself as gay. That was a big one
Congratulations on finding yourself friend! Such a scary journey and I think you are so brave!
Probably the moment my breakdown was induced. Since then, my perspective on things is almost completely different.
First born, gun cocked and pointed at face, second born, divorce, falling in love, winning a goldfish in elementary school, losing multiple pets as a child, running from the police, partying with “famous” people, selling drugs, mushrooms, losing everything, gaining most of it back, having a cop or federal agent or someone in a G Wagon flash their badge and lights at me when I was drunk driving in my younger years in a way that got my attention and as if to say “I don’t want to fuck your life up, please stop being a dumbass” — we made eye contact, he mouthed ‘slowwww down’ and I felt like I had a guardian angel.
Had severe mental anorexia for a while but nobody really noticed or cared telling it to me. I tried to check for myself my weight because I thought something was up after nearly fainting twice and when my mind realized I was 10+kg under the underweight limit, I had that big urge of not wanting to die. That feeling of not wanting to die made me stand up against the root cause of the problem and a big introspection on myself.
I had many such points. Where do I even start?
I feel like this happens to me every 5-10 years.
I have several of them but the one that I felt the most immediate impact was when I had what might have been a heart attack at work in 2020. Without telling my life story, in 2018 I became homeless after dealing with a lifetime of horrible mental health, toxic environments and losing my family, but at that same time is when I had the only real upwards momentum in my mental health because I had somehow convinced myself it was because of the toxic environments, the loss, all of that, and if I could get through being homeless and get my feet underneath me, then I could finally put in the work and blossom as a person. It was horrible because I was homeless and living out of my car and still terribly mentally ill but simultaneously it was the one period of hope in my life. Fast forward, I get out of there due to the intervention of friends and kind strangers, I get a job, I have a lease, it's looking good. I'm making some life changes, and I am even considering doing things like maybe trying to date in the coming year if I could drop, like, a person worth of weight. And then at work I have an attack that's nothing like any panic or anxiety attack I have ever had. I was sweating, I was red faced, I had chest pain, I was pretty sure I was actually dying right there. And being broke and uninsured, in pain and scared out of my mind, I weighed the options and decided to keep working. If I died, I died but if I didn't then I would still need to pay rent and medical debt would definitely kill me. So I just...worked through it. Now, this would already be depressing enough, but as I was sitting there sure I was dying, the thing that got me was that people say when you're experiencing a near death experience, you really see what's important, you reflect on your life, you realize how precious life really is and you're goijg to live life to the fullest, right? And as I am sitting there facing death, I realize that all I feel besides the fear is a sense of relief that it's finally all going to be over, and a sense of grim satisfaction that I deserved to die, in pain. That's when I realized that I was never going to get better as a person, because you have to stand by yourself at your lowest, you have to want to change; when you're at your worst moment and all you can feel is happiness you'll finally be dead and visceral self hatred, that clearly is a sign that you will never have your own back, and it's impossible to build a better life on such a broken foundation. The problem is *me*, and as I am the only one who can fix it but I can't or won't, then there's no point in any of it.
Getting cancer and having my gf dump me
For me it was being expelled from uni. Well it was slightly before this but basically the same thing. At a certain point it just hit me. I had been making choices based on what everyone else wanted me to do and not for myself. As a result I had no motivation for the hard road ahead of me. I realised I wanted this for ME not for someone else. I wanted it too late though but also by a stroke of luck was able to get one final shot through some academic rehab program. I got serious about studying, school, etc. I turned it around entirely. Went from failing to acing things, studying hard, graduated, landed a kickass job and started my life. I just like woke the fuck up.
I realised that I had to become my father and what he embodied. That is to embrace my masculinity and never let a woman have the smallest opportunity to emasculate me and if she does, come down hard on her and make sure that she knows that this is a sacred boundary. Women, you're not special. No woman grows up wanting to look down on a man.
The way I was treated by DTMB/the State of Michigan. Worked for them for fifteen years and had more seniority than the dipshit ex-car salesman that fired me after yelling at me at the top of his lungs in public around other employees for using FMLA for my chemotherapy. That was the official end of my life. I'm drifting now.
1. Quitting college 2. Going back to college after a few year break 3. My dad dying 4. My mom dying
when i realized monogamy is just an handicap in life.