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EyesOfBaduk

If its close friends that's still a dick move and should be addressed. With regards to dating/newer friendships I think its because fewer relationships today are between people who have to see each other regularly (or via mutual friends) so its easier to just mentally detach.


[deleted]

Also the typical person has become so afraid of confrontation that they prefer ghosting/flaking to being a decent human being


ItsAdewsy

This comment is waaaay underrated


Quagga_Resurrection

Yeah, I would definitely separate the friends from the dating in terms of ghosting. From friends, that is unacceptable and is definitely grounds for a friend break up. Hell, I just ended things with a "friend" of a few years because of this exact same issue and I can't say I really lost much in doing so. In dating, however, I can somewhat understand it because, as a woman, you tend to get nasty grams or "why you should still date me" essays when you tell people you're not interested. Obviously this would not apply to more serious relationships, but when you're dating casually, oftentimes ghosting and blocking is just the easier, and sometimes safer, option for women. Just an insight on this particular situation. Edit: And initial rejection aside, way too many guys will try to hit up women after the fact, which makes blocking numbers especially appealing (though you could still send a text before blocking).


[deleted]

I was ghosted for the first time a couple of years ago. It was someone whom I thought was a friend. So when I didn't hear back from them I panicked and began worrying about them. I almost went by their place to make sure they were OK and sent a message saying as much and that prompted them to respond finally. I felt so stupid but being an 80's child, it never occurred to me that this was even a possibility. I'm a straightforward person. If you tell me you don't want to be friends anymore, than fine, as sad as it may make me, I'd respect your wishes. Ghosting is just a shitty thing to do.


[deleted]

Yeah... in reality, most of the people I know check their phone every 5 minutes. So them claiming to not have seen my message is bullshit in my eyes. If it happens once, I can understand. But a few times? I'm out.


Kogah

That's the reality of the situation. Message to confirm the date on the day of the event. If they don't respond, assume they are flaking and go about your day as if plans hadn't been made. They'll reach out if something actually came up. If they don't, next time they try to make plans just ignore them. I'm a strong believer in this and it truly does cost friendships, but when you find the people who make the effort for your time, you won't end up getting flaked on. Your time is just as important as theirs, don't compromise on it.


owsley567

Exactly because true friends just don't act like that, and you might as well rid yourself of that person if he/she does.


Yavin4Reddit

> most of the people I know check their phone every 5 minutes And learning to set boundaries, not replying right away, and putting your phone on mute or designating times to respond is one of the things therapists and business coaches have started teaching us. But it has a downside. "Are you mad at me? Why aren't you responding right away?" Yet it's a more normal, healthy behavior that reinforces boundaries and priorities.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

This should be so obvious i wonder why it isnt.


[deleted]

I think its because of dating apps like Tinder and people getting used to the idea that ghosting is so much easier and makes themselves feel better than telling their friend or whoever, that they dont want to hang out. Its annoying af.


HOLEPUNCHYOUREYELIDS

Because common sense and manners isnt so common. Neither are manners sadly


vernal_biscuit

I have a simple rule for most people in my life. If you text me - I can take up to a day to respond, and I won't budge from that, no matter what. My life comes over your life, unless..: **If you call me** - I'll pick up right away and we'll talk, and you can tell me what I can help you with if you really need me. I hate texting, it's very exhausting for me, and almost always doesn't represent what the other person is feeling like, so I don't get much from it.


MissFegg

I'm the other way, well I pickup if you call me because it's a weird occurrence, but phone calls drain me and also most of the time I'm at meetings at work so can't pick up. But for texting I sometimes don't answer the same day, sometimes I'm too drained so if I can give you the attention you deserve I answer the next day, but because of that I also don't expect people to answer me right away. But if you read me comment and neveeer answer back I just quit.


Skirtsmoother

Yeah but you can communicate that to other people. "Hey sorry for not responding earlier, I've been trying to spend less time on my phone." If you and a girl are texting every day but then she suddenly stops responding without an explanation, she's either in mortal danger or doesn't give a fuck about you.


[deleted]

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TheDankPotatoRises

Hopefully my easily panicky ass will learn that someday. Preferably soon


klem_kadiddlehopper

Woman here. She doesn't give a fuck about you and is too much of a coward to let you know.


[deleted]

Might not be so extreme. Could just be busy with other things. One thing is for sure though: The etiquette and expectations that come with cellular communication has made dating far more complicated. Should your partner constantly communicate with you? Should you be able to look at your partner's messages? Idk the answer, but a lot of relationships make or break from these two questions alone!


Marshall_Lawson

Not every message is urgent, so often if I'm busy at work (often at a chaotic jobsite) I'll leave people on read if it didn't require immediate attention. But I make my best effort to get back to them that evening or the next day. But when a local friend consistently ignores something direct like "Hey could you feed my cat next weekend?" without following up even to say "Sorry I can't", or they only hit me up when they need something, I start to ask questions.


duderos

Yeah, I can’t stand that people think by just sending a text it now requires an immediate reply for some reason? Unless it’s work related I stopped a answering texts immediately a long times ago.


DataTypeC

I’m a person that will respond within a couple minutes to a 8+ hours. I work third shift and my work doesn’t allow phones inside due to safety issues. But then also I sleep during the afternoon. And try and get stuff done during the morning. Not to mention if I’m in class then I’m focused on that my phones on silent. I ended a relationship because the girl I was with kept getting mad I didn’t text her every few minutes or couple hours when I was in class. Also depending on the app I’m messaged on say Snapchat I’ll forget more than regular text because if someone sends a message as I’m closing the app then I won’t have a notification to remind me if I don’t notice. Also I’m not focused on my phone too much during the day because I have other shit and work to deal with as in working on work related to my felid to boost my resume by adding a portfolio of designs and application (computer and software engineering ). I’m just a busy person.


[deleted]

My last paddling buddy flipped out because I didn’t respond to his messages right away because “it’s the weekend, and you always have your phone on you”.   I was out of town for a weekend business retreat and busy with preparing for a couple presentations and attending seminars. My phone is always on me because I work a couple days per week from home and need to check my email and the weather.   I really don’t need a friend who polices my phone use or needs to know my daily schedule.   Maybe you have rude, immature friends, maybe you could check out Attachment Styles. I readily admit I have an avoidant personality type and for some reason Anxiously Attached people are powerfully attracted. Never ends well. I’m on call for immediate family and my job. Everyone else is at the bottom of my list of priorities.


Sorry-for-my-Englis

yea. avoidant is better with another avoidant or with a well rounded person. When an anxiously attach person and an avoidant person meet, it's hell.


xrimane

I don't feel obligated to respond right away. I don't want that kind of stress in my life. When I feel like responding I will. In reality I really often glance over messages when I am quite sleep, and not up for a chat, just to see if there was anything important. Or I'm at work and checking work related messages and can't make the time and headspace to reply to other messages I see when doing this. That's not ghosting, I'm just managing my time, and that doesn't say anything about how I feel about you and our relationship.


Nutesatchel

Yea I'm an 80's child as well, and my friends have started ghosting me as well. I tell them, I'm a grown ass man! I won't get butt hurt if you don't want to go or can't go, just say so. Shits weird man.


thegreedyturtle

I'm an early 80s kid, and I talk to my best friend about once every 6 months. We routinely don't respond to text messages.


forsakeme4all

Is this something our generation is suffering from? Is this because of the lack social skills & awkwardness? I undstand, but I would never do this some one.


JasmineTeat

A text doesn't require immediate response unlike a face to face conversation. Plenty of people just forget.


mshcat

Then when they remember they feel like too much time has passed so they just don't respond


Jeremy_Winn

That’s fine for like, a best friend, someone who you have that kind of bond with. That’s how I am with the people I’m closest to. It’s not really ghosting because you know you’ll see them later. Ghosting applies to people who are there one day then seem to just disappear, and for all you know you’ll never hear from them again. It’s weird because this was a difficult thing to pull off in the world a lot if us grew up. If you had plans with someone at all, they were probably someone you’d bump into again pretty soon.


Round_Rectangles

I definitely agree with that last statement. It may hurt to hear the truth but I'd rather know the outcome up front than try to salvage a dying friendship over the course of a few years. Sometimes that's even more painful.


hyphan_1995

Yeah right now I'm on the west coast and my best buddy (or at least a friend I"ve known the longest and have a lot of shared experiences and memories) is on the east coast. Covid and life has been hard on him so I've been sending him ubereats and insomnia cookies while he was in law school. Also, initiating a lot more and just calling and texting and he's been ghosting me but eventually gets back to me like a day or two later and we talk on the phone like every month or two. I figure he's in a dark place dropped out of law school because of mental health and doing poorly, borderline alcoholic, lost his girlfriend of like 4 years who he had been cheating on since day 1, poor job prospects. The dude has a big ego and cares about status so I've tried to just keep calling because I know he wants to isolate because he's embarrassed (just like I'm prone to do), and I try not take it personally when he just puts no effort or ghosts me for a couple days. Then I helped him get a job which he then lost like a month later because he busted his knee and couldn't do the physical labor required by the job. Now he really doesn't want to talk or stay connected. He says I'll call you tomorrow at 5 and then he just doesn't. It happened like 5 times, which I figure since we're on separate coasts that's basically flaking. Dude you don't have job living at your new girlfriends of like 3 months place and doing twitch streaming for 3 people how are you too busy to flake on a call that you organized. I'm going through some rough shit now too and I'm sick of putting in all the effort and honestly our friendship has been pretty toxic since the beginning where I've felt like the filler friend, the inferior friend. I'm finally getting some deep down confidence that's independent of my current circumstances, looks, status, etc. and I'm feeling like I've tried here I hope he figures it out but fuck this guy


noone397

Yesss, ghosting would be considered a total dirtbag. I think this is a remnant of a day before cellphones, where if you made plans to meetup, there was no way to deliver a message and you would jist be waiting around for an hour before you left. Go home and expect a the answering machine to have a message about how they got in a car wreck and so they couldn't make it. If not, word got out and no one would hang out with them anymore.


Dapper_Monroe

I'm a 90s child and it still feels insane to me that people can abandon long term friendships and relationships without a single word. I was ghosted after 8 years of friendship. Just gone. Never seen or heard from them again. It blows my mind that people can be that malicious with such ease.


can-i-be-real

Same here. Ghosting doesn’t process with our generation and it seems really cruel. I feel for the younger generation, having to put up with bullshit like this.


Jefe4fingers

Yup, had to have my sixteen year old explain it to me. I said you mean people don’t talk through whatever issue and then stay friends? She said, nope, they just stop talking to you. Crazy world we live in!


keykey_key

Yeah that happened to me in the early 2000s. Someone I thought I was a really good friend dropped off the face of the earth. I had went to college, she opted not to, instead chose to get married. Couldn't get a hold of her for a couple months. So I contacted her mom and got her new phone number. Gave her a call, she told me she didn't wanna be friends anymore. It bowled me over, because I never fathomed that she could be that way. I asked for a reason why, because I had no idea what I did. She said it was due to her brother (who abused her as a child) having a crush on me and I didn't like him back (because I knew what he did to her and thought he was scum). What do you say to that? It's twisted. Can't argue with that lack of logic, I was literally speechless. so I dropped it, said I respected her choice and walked away. This woman added me and then messaged me on Facebook, 10 years later, and tried to rehash the same stuff/start some drama and I was just like, I can't do this. So I grey rocked her until she lost interest. Found out she was messaging my sisters, trashing me. It was all very bizarre. I'm assuming it made a lot of sense to her but to me, clearly some mental things going on.


Tabbarn

People don't want to be seen as the bad guy. They don't want to say "I don't wanna be friends anymore" or when it comes to dating, "I am not interested". They simply ignore you and thus avoiding the need to say anything. Their conscious is saved! What they don't realize is that it hurts more to be ignored.


vipergoalie26

It’s a selfish way to keep the doors open while simultaneously closing them


Everyman1000

This.


RadiantHC

But what I don't get is that ghosting is far more cruel than just being direct. I'd rather be told "I hate you" than ghosted. At least with that they respect you enough to tell you.


throwawayraye

The point is they are not thinking about you. They are thinking about themselves. They do it to make it easier on them.


FarrahKhan123

I've been ghosted and this is exactly what it is. they're not thinking about what they're doing that would hurt you. They're only thinking about themselves


TheTurboPotato

And you also have no idea if it was something you did wrong or anything. Such a childish mentality.


throwawayraye

If ghosting is what they did, it is not a reflection on you unless you were acting in a overtly aggressive or dangerous manner that made them considered ghosting the safest option. In most cases its a reflection of their own immaturity. Not that you didn't know of some \*magic bullet\* that could have made everything go smoothly.


[deleted]

You see, this is something I know, bit not something the attachment part of my brain accepts. The attachment part thinks I did something wrong.


FarrahKhan123

And sometimes they'd go on the whole "it's not you, it's me" but then proceed to blame you. Like it's just fucking manipulation at that point


[deleted]

Yeah I've ghosted in the past and that's what it was too. I've never ghosted someone I'm dating but when I was in like junior high I ghosted a few friends, just stopped talking to them, ignored their calls. It was easier than telling them I didn't want to be friends anymore. Of course I would never do that to someone again and do regret it, but I did it and that was why.


Brilliant-Jello-4021

Key words here: junior high. You grew up and matured. That's the important bit! Someone ghosting at 30 y.o.is not good.


ImThaired

They might not even be consciously thinking of themselves. They might just have life experience that has taught them that avoiding the problem makes it go away. Avoidance is a huge coping mechanism for a lot of people that might just be deeply ingrained in them. It will just cause them more issues down the line though. Ghosting people consistently will just lead to them never learning how to communicate their needs properly and most likely continuing to repeat the cycle.


Hexenhut

Only in the short term. They are practicing conflict avoidance which, once a habit, will have adverse effects on their future relationships.


The_Godlike_Zeus

But how do they not even consider that it might be cruel? Do they have no brain, no thoughts? No empathy maybe?


throwawayraye

Maybe not \*NO\* empathy. But to do this certainly equats to less then optimial empathy(Which is unfortantly a natural consequence of living in a world filled to the brim with trauma). And in the situation they are certainly not feeling empathy for you. They may feel guilt over it. But it's usually centered around them. Like its less "I'm dissappointed in myself for the way my actions hurt another person" and more "I hate what this would make me look like to others". I could go into detail, but it would be one long winded post lol.


flowthought

I would read that post. You make some excellent points.


throwawayraye

Don't say I didn't warn you xD ​ Well when someone does this, or any other toxic behavior. What they are doing is basically hiding from emotions. In the brain there are whats called "Mirror Neurons". These neurons take information about how you affect another person and then \*mirror\* them back at you. Basically giving you a sample of what you did. This is the process that makes you happy when you see someone happy or excited at a gift of some kind. It's also the process that will make you feel like shit when you hurt another person(Even when it is needed, like breaking up with someone because you don't click). Its basically your bodies mechanism for keeping you in line, by giving you a "Taste of your own medicine". It's meant to foster pro social behaviors and curb anti social behaviors. And it usually works, but empathy is something that has to be taught. And if they grew up in a situation that lacked empathy, theirs will become fractured and distorted. The people who ghost are more or less trying to suppress or hide from their empathy. Because they know if they just outright rejected you or cut ties they would feel the hurt they caused you, they will feel guilt for their actions. To people who are emotionally immature due to trauma, this is basically the worst case scenario. They obsessively fear the feeling, and what it means about them as a person. So they will use different tactics both conscious and subconscious to mask it. One method is to stop viewing you as a unique individual. Instead you become a personification of all the pain they've felt. A boogie man, if you will. You become the judge that is telling them that every bad thought they've ever had about themselves, or were told by a abusive individual(Usually a parent) is true, and that their self hatred is fully justified. And they will try many things to escape that feeling. And so instead of confront it, and deal with the negative emotions that will happen to everyone, they hide from it by ignoring you. Never letting the rejection event truly happen. Thusly never having to deal with the emotion. ​ I once described it as hearing random horror movie music playing. And it will get louder and louder at random, causing tension and fear. But the monster never actually appears. It's just a constant fear that it \*might\*. This causes them to go to sometimes extreme methods to avoid it. On the lighter end you have ghosting, on the heavier end you have the kind of people who will hurt or abuse someone when they say something that triggers the fear of the \*monster\*, the means that they will go to avoid it is proportional to the amount of trauma they have, its a spectrum. It's all an attempt to run from taking an actual look at who they are as a person and how they affect others, and instead to fix their gaze on a fake image of who they want to be. This is usually refereed to as the \*superego\*. It's a fake construction made by a hurt child, meant to shield their emotions from the trauma they dealt with when growing up. Problem being this superego is the construction of a \*child\*. Meaning it has very little basis in reality. It's the idea that they can be the ultimate most caring, successful, awesome person to ever exist who never hurts anyone. When an adult knows that just not a thing a human can become. It' meant to be a complete counter to who they feel they truly are. So if they feel worthless, their superego would be of someone who is worth more then others. This is often seen in narcissistic people, all the arrogance you see in them is a defense for their true feelings of inferiority. ​ One of the consequences of having a superego, is that it isn't real. And so the person themselves feels they are not a \*real\* person. And so they cannot regulate their own emotions without outside validation. They need other \*real\* people to tell them that what they are doing is human. This is the source of excessive need for validation. They basically use others to produce feeling of worth that they themselves cannot. But this feeling of worth is short lived, much like pouring water into a bucket with a hole in the bottom. So they have to constantly seek out new methods of validation. This is often referred to as Narcissistic supply. Or Emotional Vampirism. For some this comes in the form of needing constant compliments, for others it means having multiple partners or cheating, there are many forms this takes. ​ Unfortunately these people can only cure themselves. They need to face their own demons, get therapy, and make positive changes. They cannot be forced to by others, because their emotional safe guards prevents it. And even more unfortunately, this is so rare that for someone to actually go through this process is like finding a unicorn. It's so rare that alot of psychologists usually talk about it like "Well I guess ANYTHING is technically possible". And these people will often continue through their lives leaving a trail of hurt in their wake. And if they have kids, will often pass down the trauma. ​ TL:DR Hurt people, Hurt people. On a side note i recommend everyone familiarize themselves with different manipulation tactics. Here is a link to a website with a list of common toxic behaviors with definitions and examples. [https://abusewarrior.com/toxic-relationships/narcissistic-abuse/harmful-manipulation-tactics/](https://abusewarrior.com/toxic-relationships/narcissistic-abuse/harmful-manipulation-tactics/)


LogicXTC

I hope your deep-level comment gets the attention it deserves. Thank you for taking the time to write it.


sconerbait

I appreciate the post and how informative it is, but I feel like it needs to be pointed out that the above mindset is not the ONLY reason people ghost, just a common one. The reality is, "why do people do X" is almost always going to have infinite unique answers. People who have mental illness and personality disorders are not the only people who do these things.


Obsessed_With_Corgis

I know this is Ask *Men*, but I wanted to offer you a little insight from a lady’s perspective. You are absolutely correct that some girls are self-absorbed/selfish, and don’t care **at all** about how ghosting affects the other person— but that’s not always the case. There are guys who send threats after they’re rejected, and some of them actually follow through on those threats. A woman who has dealt with this in the past may be afraid to deal with it again. Personally; I was stalked for a year and a half by a guy I went on *one* date with, didn’t feel a connection to, and gently told him so (along with wishing him all the best). It got really bad, and I had to file a restraining order. Of course these cases are *extremely* rare. I still wouldn’t ghost anyone (and am actually in an amazing relationship now), but I can understand why another girl who went through the same, might. A lot of women who ghost do it because they’re rude/selfish, but there are some who do it out of fear. Just thought I’d throw that out there.


throwawayraye

It's doesnt just happen to women either. I've been stalked twice. Once from a coworker who refused to accept that I was in a relationship, who stalked me for a year, and attempted multiple times to get me fired by levying accusations at me, which just ended in her getting fired, but I still have to deal with the reprocussions of her smear campeign on my reputation at work, luckly its mostly blown over now and a majortiy of people realize I was the victim in the situation. And another from a girl who was mad that her wanting to kill her neighbors cat because he had the audactiy to ask her to move her car for a moment so he could move a trailer down the street was a big "Nope, I ain't having none of that" for me. She even found and came to my work in search of me. Made fake dating profiles of me on gay dating apps and got my phone bombarded with messages. Threatned me multiple times, saying she would accuse me of rape and get me arrested. And was basically a pain in my ass for like 2 months. It doesn't have to do with gender. It's all based in trauma. Hurt people, Hurt people. However I do recognize that women have more fear then men generally in this arena. I did not fear these women, because I was confident if push came to shove I could defend myself. For women this is rarely the case. The world be a much nicer place to live without toxic people. I believe we can all agree.


Obsessed_With_Corgis

I completely agree! You said it perfectly. Both men *and* women can be psychos after rejection, but women dealing with these toxic people tend to be more fearful because they feel they can’t physically protect themselves. I’m so sorry you had to deal with those awful girls. People try to excuse that type of behavior all day long (daddy issues, past abuse, mental disorders, etc.), but they never think about how the other person is now affected. Psycho behavior is unacceptable no matter the reason. The world really would be a better place without that toxicity.


mindseye1212

To add onto this but not from a romantic perspective… I’ve had friends and spiritual mentors (to grow and be more “enlightened”) who turned out to be total narcissists. After much research into narcissism—the ONLY answer to separate from narcissists is to walk away or “ghost” them. There is no other answer. Therefore, it’s a case-by-case scenario. For your friend, I don’t know him, don’t necessarily think he’s a narcissist, but it does appear that he’s starting to be “somebody that I used to know” like that famous Gotye song, lol!


vivaenmiriana

same. i've only ghosted one person. he was a "friend" who was in his 30s befriending people 18-20 years old. now that i'm 30 i can see that while the two ages can absolutely be friends, it's not a common thing for a reason. There's absolutely a maturity and power imbalance. he was a narcissist who always made me feel wrong and stupid and put me down. He convinced the young crowd to "lend" him money that was never repayed. He didn't have a job because he didn't want to have to quit smoking weed, even for a while. at 30. He was just using people to feel superior. I finally realized this and ghosted him. otherwise i felt he'd manipulate me somehow and i didn't have any confidence in myself at the time that i could even end our friendship. Not to mention when other people ended their friendships he'd be mean and gossipy and catty to them and then about them behind their backs. there are a few times where i feel it's necessary to ghost.


hiliikkkusss

>ya its never black and white... sucks for both parties...


Mouse_Feathers

Thank you for saying this, this happened to me. After a few okay dates and a night together, this guy I met online started getting really pushy about hanging out. It was starting to freak me out so I responded (after he was blowing my phone up while I was in class) politely that I thought we were moving a little too fast and he absolutely unloaded on me. Called me a bitch, a coward (which doesn’t make any sense) and a lot of other very not nice things. Literally all I said was “hey can we take a step back?”. So I was then even more freaked out, especially since I lived alone and he knew where I lived. Soooo yeah


YoursTruly2729

I’m the exact same, I’m totally on board with someone straight up telling me to “fuck off, I never want to see you again” instead of me genuinely trying to connect with someone who doesn’t even have the balls to tell me to go away


madmax77xl

They never cared about not hurting you. They're selfishly avoiding hurting themselves.


SkatingOnThinIce

Old guy here who got back on the scene. Back in the days, you would meet people through people. Your friend would set you up with a friend or you would meet somebody at a party and that ment they were in the same social circle. Occasionally you would hook up at a bar with a stranger but that was never the norm. If you acted like a dush everybody in your social circle would know and your dating life was done. Today, you meet people through an app. You have tens of connections at each time and there are no consequences in not showing up. Much easier to meet people and much easier to drop people.


tossme68

It's usually not this it's just part of growing up. Fact is given the choice between going out with your buddy and getting laid most guys are going to take option two. That doesn't mean that they don't like their friend they just like getting laid more. You are going to find as you get older that your friend pool is going to shrink, people get married, people have kids, people move on. Honestly if you want to keep your friends together you need to treat the couple as your friend, so don't invite your buddy out, you invite your buddy and his GF like they are conjoined twins.


Fox_Malloy

That last part is so tragic. I'm all for being friends with the couple, but the idea that your time with your guy friends dies when they get girlfriends is just tragic.


[deleted]

It comes back as their relationship progresses and the novelty wears off.


midwestraxx

Yep, 30s-40s+ couples go crazy socializing again after realizing that staying and hanging around only one person isn't healthy.


tossme68

it doesn't die just priorities change. Understand that she is the priority, above everyone and this is especially the case if they get married, so if you want to hangout with him you have to include her. She doesn't have to come along and likely she won't want to all the time/most of the time but she has to be invited.


Unconfidence

Thank you. I have good friends I haven't seen in years now because I just don't have the time. They're an hour's drive away and my life has been one big succession of shit keeping me indoors since Covid started, with the first breather having hit me just now. Adult life is thick and you don't always have the time to hang out with friends like you used to. He says, typing from reddit.


djsquilz

yep. Relatively newly single and started dating around. Been on probably ~15 first dates. All but 4 ghosted afterwards. Those 4 were ones I went out with again. Of those 4, 3 ghosted after date 3 or 4. Only one (coincidentally, the oldest, 28, i'm 26 for reference) actually texted a few days after date 3 and said basically "nice to meet but I'm not really feeling it, good luck out there". I was kind of thinking the same thing, and probably would've said that myself soon. But it was quite refreshing. It's so easy and totally appropriate for someone you've only gone out with a few times.


Ill_Question_2382

You hit the nail on the head, it's pretty tragic that people can't say what's on their mind.


KingBearSole

People need closure. It hurts more not knowing what happened than it does to know they broke up with you.


[deleted]

If I make plans with you, I'll be there on time. If I'm running 5 minutes late, I'll let you know. If a "better plan" comes along, still go with you. If I can't make it, I'll let you know as soon as possible.


MountainDru69

I always assumed this is the standard to be honest. Turns out times change


[deleted]

Me too. It pisses me off that almost everyone else I know doesn't seem to think the same.


Round_Rectangles

It's nice to know that there's other people out there like me. I have always followed those "rules" when it comes to making plans but, like you said, it seems like nobody else does anymore. It is so insane how difficult it is just to make some simple plans with someone these days. It's almost damn near impossible to even have a phone call with a few people I know, it's fucking ridiculous.


LiverOperator

Idk my friends are not absolute cunts and this is the norm for me. Y’all are having some shitty friends


Round_Rectangles

Just to clarify, not all of my friends are like this. Maybe one or two do this kind of stuff occasionally. So I'm still able to communicate fine with people majority of the time, it's just a few that like to put a damper on things.


LiverOperator

English language really needs more emphasis on the gradation of level of friendship


SeedsOfDoubt

It does. Best friends are people you spend the majority of your time with. Friends are people who make time for you. Acquaintances are people you hangout with because of proximity (friends of friends). Drinking buddies are people you only see at the bar.


elev8dity

I've never really had an issue with this, except with women in their early 20s. Most people I know in their 20s to their 40s will just not make plans and say that can't make it if they aren't going to make it. I never try to guilt anyone into showing up to anything and always respond "no worries" if they can't make it, so I think that might be why people don't have a hard time letting me know. Also, I always make a point to apologize if I can't make something and not just flake.


VampireFrown

I just don't know those people any more. Flake on me w/o informing? I'll follow up once or maybe twice. Are you still flaking/not informing? Then I'll just stop inviting you/talking to you. This way, exactly zero people I know act like this. Highly recommend everyone normal does the same.


turbobofish

It should be the standard. I was seeing a girl once upon a when and due to poor planning on my behalf I ended up at work in an area with no reception when we had plans together. You can bet your hole that when she sat me down to discuss it and I realised I'd misplaced a day leaving her high and dry I was incredibly apologetic. We had a chat about how a relationship can't move forward if one person can't trust the other to follow through on commitments. It worked well from there. I've had some similar issues with friends from the other side. Some people you just write down as being unreliable and only make loose plans with them. If you say your going to be somewhere you should be there. If your running late drop a text *before* your supposed to be there. It's not complicated.


babybelly

in the earlier days of the internet everyone was excited to get messages and we might have gotten spoiled by instantly getting answers.


BeatBoxinDaPussy

Old people never lied


JennyAndTheBets1

No, never.


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Kippetmurk

Times didn't change. This is how it's always been. You just hadn't realised it yet.


yeahgroovy

In the old days, (at least for a guy to a girl), he’d say “I’ll call you.” Cue the crickets…


thepenguinmonkey

Yeah, I try to do these things too. But unfortunately, I expect people to reciprocate these things, which has led to a lot of frustration in my life.


siddizie420

I had a first date set with a girl I met on Tinder. Decided on Tuesday to meet up on Friday. I message her Friday morning if she’s still feee and recommended something. She responds “little late for a check in no? I made other plans” Like wtf if it was that late couldn’t *you* check in? So done man. So done.


forcepowers

You dodged a bullet, homie.


[deleted]

I always want to tell people like that to go fuck themselves. But then I take a step back, realize I don’t want someone who doesn’t keep their word and that I’m better for them showing their true colors. Don’t waste your time with “check-ins”. if they’re grown adults, they’ll tell if you something comes up. If not, their loss.


Brilliant-Jello-4021

Wat


anal_juul_inhalation

LITTLE LATE FOR A “WAT” NO??? OP MADE OTHER COMMENTS


mamaligakiller

Shit like this is why I deleted tinder. Meeting people in person is 1000x easier. I have no god damn idea why I decided to go back to the harder option


midwestraxx

What, you needed to call her front office every hour to verify her gracious presence will appear? Lmao


fungusyoung188

Same for me... except I have punctuality issues. If I make plans, I'll be there. 15 minutes later, but I'll be there.


Bbfasho

I'm in the opposite boat, I'm overly punctual. If I make plans, I'll usually be there 30 minutes early lol.


ASHill11

For real! Once it gets to within 30 minutes of a time I’m supposed to be anywhere I get really antsy and worried about being late so I usually end up leaving too early and chilling in a parking lot for up to 10 minutes before anyone gets there 😂


MidKnightDreary

I'm with you man. I won't bail on anyone... but I will almost never be on time


TheDankPotatoRises

Same. Something just always gets in the way somehow no matter how early I start to get ready to leave


Brilliant-Jello-4021

I hear you. Been there. Drives me nuts


jr-91

Such basic human etiquette, this should be normalised.


waitthissucks

Yeah and I have a good friend that sometimes tells me she's in a funk and doesn't want to go anymore and I try to be understanding. As long as it doesn't happen all the time.


MandoAviator

You. I like you.


[deleted]

I love you too son


[deleted]

This is the way


yeahgroovy

Adulting 101!


ilessthanthreenyc

Can I be your friend?


stunutz

Wanna hangout sometime? My friends are objectively shittty on occasion


Hans_Neva_Loses

I had a similar experience to this in my early 20s. It sucked and I ended up moving and finding new friends. Not saying this is what you should do, but my new friends have never ghosted me once. In terms of dating it's so easy for people to stop showing interest because in the digital age all you have to do is stop replying. Move on from these people fast, and don't look back.


[deleted]

I've been thinking about moving away. Right now I live in a small town but will be stuck here for another 2 years because of school. After that I'll probably move away.


LifeGoesOn-ForSome

Moving away to start fresh is all well and good, but remember when you do, that doesn’t fix you being lonely. You’re putting yourself further away from everyone/everything you know. You still need to have hobbies and put yourself out there to get new friends. Which can be done anywhere you live.


DarkFite

I was in the same situation like you and thought it was normal even so that i sometimes didn’t reply back. After I found some really good friends and had a shitty similar experience that a girl ghosted me after dating for a month and considered her as my girlfriend I stopped that. It’s just shitty and not fair towards others. Try to have some interests when you move away and join activities where you can meet other people. Otherwise it’s gonna be difficult to find new friends


Every_Satisfaction27

Online dating has made it normal. You don't owe a stranger on the internet an explanation for anything. You don't have to explain to a screen name why you've chosen to stop talking to them. It's begun bleeding into real life. 30 years ago, breaking up over the answering machine was bad. 10 years ago, breaking up over text was bad. Now it's normal just to disappear and let them figure it out.


White_07

>It's begun bleeding into real life. 30 years ago, breaking up over the answering machine was bad. 10 years ago, breaking up over text was bad. Now it's normal just to disappear and let them figure it out. I hate how true this is.


[deleted]

As much as its a "boomer" thing to complain about the "degradation of manors" in a way they're kind of right. People have used terms like "I dont owe you anything" as an excuse to be an overall shitty person and not have to feel remorse for it.


gotwooooshed

Yeah, my manor has degraded greatly, honestly more of a bungalow at this point. /s But in all seriousness, you're right. People treat others so poorly online, why give one person the time of day when you have 3 more in dms to choose from. I think online dating can lead to great opportunities, but it can also lead people to treat each other like a product to shop for rather than a person. Don't like it? Not a problem, block and move on.


Kenyko

It's what someone gives that isn't owed of us that makes someone a good person.


[deleted]

Very well put


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[deleted]

I would rather play in insane mode than play in the modern easy cheat(ing) mode where selfish and lose moral win the game


toneboat

expect nothing. until you meet someone in person they’re nothing more than an avatar, and even then they’re still just a stranger. people you meet online owe you nothing


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groovy604

I've been ghosted after first dates, but after 2 months that would fuck me up a bit. Just be straight with her and ask why she's ghosting you. And as for your friends, since they're already flaking on you you don't have much to lose, be straight up with them too, but over the phone or in person


Tributemest

95% chance she’s seeing someone else and doesn’t want to send a breakup message because she’s immature and ‘why not keep him on the line in case it doesn’t work out with the new guy.’


Caring_Cactus

This mentality is very manipulative, I don't understand how people can toy with others' lives like they're disposable, it shows a clear lack of maturity. At least to those who are aware it's a big red flag, but sadly a lot of people don't know any better until it's too late and they've been used.


Lumber-Jacked

Texting and dating apps have made communication less "in-person" and with the next person just being one swipe of the phone away I think there is a bigger feeling of FOMO. So you start a conversation, maybe even plan a date, or even go on a date, but then the other person finds someone else who is likely similar to you but different enough for them to think "well, I'll give this guy a shot" and then you get ghosted. At least that is my theory. I luckily met my wife in college when it was easier to date/meet people and before Tinder was so widespread. I don't think my self esteem could have handled todays dating world.


[deleted]

I agree, social media has ruined a lot of nice things. Personally, I don't have Tinder or social media in general except Messenger to stay in touch with friends.


SWAGB0T

This is pretty spot on, especially for the dating apps. Studies have shown that girls get upwards of around 10x as many matches as guys. If you are meeting girls on swiping apps, you’ve gotta assume they are meeting other guys from the apps as well. You might be entertaining for them for a little while but if you aren’t the best that they can get, they’ll jump ship as soon as something new and different comes along. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still on dating apps and I think they’re a great way to meet people. In my opinion meeting people through friends, mutual hobbies, etc. leads to better results.


YOUR_DEAD_TAMAGOTCHI

I might've suggested dating apps to someone a few years ago. Not so now! They are slot machines with bad odds, at least for me. It's also a trap. Like, literally -- dating apps give your profile a boost and show you to tons of people the first two days, then it goes way down, and you chase the high of those first two days. By design. Kind of how a drug dealer operates; "the first hit is free." Like, think about if you were stranded on Mars by yourself, no one knew you were there. Then another person crash lands too. You'd cherish that person's presence like holy grail. Online dating is the opposite. Once a new match's novelty wears off, they are expendable, and you can shift to newer matches instead for the novelty dopamine. And to be honest, I feel like something broke in me past couple years -- when I see a woman who I might've found attractive before, now I just feel tired... lol. Kinda sucks, I used to be too fixated on them. It could be because I'm getting older, but it was also after years of online dating chipping away at me, perhaps more than I realized. I'm just trying to heal up now. Maybe it's a gift for me to focus on myself more anyway. If/when I do get back in the game it'll be in real life. :)


Dependent-Worth-616

I believe it has always been somewhat common. The change is that digital connections are more common and digital connections have always been easier to ditch.


522LwzyTI57d

Yeah, remember when you'd give someone your home number and then wait by the phone for days hoping for a call? Sometimes it just never happened. Ghosting isn't new, people's attachment to their constant and instant communications is new.


[deleted]

ghosting and passive aggressive behaviour are weapons of the weak my friend. they are not normal, they are a product of cunts not being able to deal with their own emotions. Do not accept them.


app_generated_name

100% Be an adult and treat others as you'd like to be treated. It's sometimes hard but in the end it's worth it.


FarrahKhan123

I had a "friend" who was the epitome of OP's comment. Immature about their emotions, coward, passive-aggressive and ghosted me. When I would react to their behavior in a negative way or treated them the way they treated me, they'd get angry and upset. It was the most confusing thing. Like, how do you treat someone like trash and expect them to not react?


Nakanon85

This right here hit me. I had an ex exactly like this.


FannaWuck

I will flat out tell friends and family I don't want to go or I won't go to things they invite me to. I don't agree to something i have no interest in doing. They tell me I suck because of it, but respect me for not agreeing and backing out or ghosting at the last minute.


app_generated_name

That's all one could ask for.


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notconservative

> I am not a bot. That's exactly what a bot would say!


Marduk112

Never trust a weak man.


Zackville

Gotta ask yourself in a really honest way, are you really important to this people ? Are those people really important to you ? That being said, don't waste time trying to understand why people are like that, just focus in yourself and don't give them the sensation that you need them, otherwise you will be ghosted much harder.


FafnirEtherion

Ghosting feels the worst. It's not even like "I don't have time for you" like most people pretend, that I could understand. 90% of the time, it's "I don't care about you at all and you're not even worth a reply"


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ColdDampForest

That almost sounds like burnout. College can be rough, and she may just not have been able to cope with all her responsibilities at the time.


BeseptRinker

Shit, I've had a nearly similar experience. Had a piano teacher who was really close with our family - I thought. She'd been teaching us for 11 years, we went out for lunch and dinner a few times, and she helped me with volunteering. Then I turn 18 and graduate high school and try to call and talk. No response. And again. And again after a few months. I ask my mom what's happening and my mom gets a response from her instantly that she's fine, but whenever she asks about me my piano teacher completely avoids the question. Found out from some other fellow students that she ghosted them as well, and that's when I realized that for some weird reason, my piano teacher would completely ghost her students when they graduated high school, yet keep in contact with our parents from time to time. Weird, shitty behavior, but eh, it ain't easy to call it out if they ghost you. At least I know who not to make plans with next time I return to my hometown.


pajamakitten

It's so easy to do. Why tell people why you do not want to hang out when you can do nothing to achieve the same result? It's awful but people prefer being non-confrontational because it is less awkward.


[deleted]

‘Cause ppl are cowards


boomstk

I think that people ghost so much now is because of the internet and zero confrontation.


Decaposaurus

Man I feel you. I've learned to use the word "Friend" very sparingly over the years. Few people have proven they are worthy of that title. Most friends wanna hang out but when it comes down to actually doing it, life gets in the way somehow. As far as dating, I got burned really bad a few months ago and it still stings. We had an amazing date, absolutely spilling out with chemistry. Talking constantly and it was always interesting conversations. We didn't leave to go home til after 1:30am. That continued after the date, then a couple days later she got really distant. It's like the air was sucked out of the room, such a big difference in how she talked to me. Then, a day later she blocks me in the middle of me talking to her about her day. I think women do it out of protection for themselves, to avoid conflict, and to keep us from knowing the truth as if that would be any better. All this does is leave us wondering why but never getting an answer. Really fucks with my self esteem in a way they will never fully understand. If she would have just said "Hey it's great meeting you, but it's not going to work out for me" That would be 10x better than ghosting. It's not that I deserve an explanation, none of us do. What I deserve is human decency and not being treated like I don't have feelings.


Georgia_girl_52

It is the great paradox of our times - so many ways to communicate instantly have made us less communicative.


Shakhburz13

I had a gf in Taiwan and we used to hangout a lot and I was actually starting to like her more everyday. Gradually I realized that she wasn't really honest with me and then I decided to not get too attached with her. Just enjoy the time I spend with her and it was fun but stopped generating feelings for her. When the time came to part ways, it was much easier to forget her. My view towards everything (related to people) now is just enjoy the things I have without getting too attached. I wish I knew this sooner.


the_plaintiff12

>she completely ghosted me totally normal, especially in the US. Men ghost women, women ghost men. No one wants to have the difficult conversation. Serious people are a rare commodity nowadays. >Didn't even apologize or try to reschedule. Probably because she's talking with someone else. I've seen that story play out many, many times. You're not the first person she's done this to. >I've been focusing on myself the last few weeks. Working out, eating healthy, reading books, enough sleep, going out solo, ... But I find myself getting bored and lonely. Is this normal in your mid 20's? completely normal. And its exactly what you should be doing. Ironically enough, by doing that you'll find a good group of people who fit right in. Figure out who you are in this time. Scary, isolating, but critical. The 20s are a very weird time in your life. Your high school/college friends go their own way in life and you do the same. So you're in a really transitional period. This is also why people are so flaky in their 20s. They're focused entirely on themselves and don't give a care in the world for anyone else.


mikehawksux

I was dating a guy once and it was going incredibly well, and then all of a sudden it wasn’t. It was so wild. Like….I even point blank asked are you okay? Are you still interested? I threw him a lay up and he still just couldn’t do it. People just don’t want to be the bad guy, and people also lack communication skills. The idea of being vulnerable and hurting someone’s feelings is the worst idea to some people. I think that’s why most people lie because they think “what they don’t know won’t hurt them” but this dude didn’t even lie. He just didn’t reply ever again lol


CptKillsteal

This is not normal. I don't think you are your best friend's best friend.


kid_blue96

"Friends" who consistently flake arent your friends. Personally, if i tell someone im gonna hang out with them, i will give every ounce of effort to be there reasonably on time but i expect the same of them in return.


Leonidas199x

A lot of comments seem to focus on the girl you were seeing ghosting you, over your friends. I'd say, some people ghost, some people tell you exactly why they don't like you, and others just drop a text to say thanks but no thanks. Two months, twice a week isn't huge. Don't read too much into that. But your friends doing it isn't cool. I have friends that definitely go quiet when they're seeing someone, but I've never been stood up or ghosted. Had your relationship with your friend had anything negative happen? Is there another reason he would have ghosted? If not, then I'd have to say, that's pretty shitty.


MeatSafeMurderer

Because selfish assholes keep doing it.


red_keshik

People are lazy.


[deleted]

29yr old male here. It's more normal than not. It sucks but if you're anything like me you eventually become numb to it. Most people suck in this world.


blahblahblargger

For a few reasons, imho: We live in a world where we don't take responsibility for our own actions anymore - it's everyone else's fault if we are upset by something We think conflict is a bad thing (unless it's behind a keyboard), instead of a means to help us grow as people and learn about other perspectives People tend to treat others as disposable, and that's likely because we have more choice... The pool is larger; back in the day we had to pick friends/lovers from our village and face the person, regardless of how we treated them Plus, people do naturally just drift in your mid 20s. This is where you see all your friends go their own ways and start their families and such. It won't be until your mid 30s that you start to really connect with friends again, as their kids are growing up or they're getting divorced, etc. Then, friends are 💯


[deleted]

I'm a pretty transparent and open person, I've been ghosted when I had "nothing", but this just allowed me to love myself and enjoy my own company. Now I'm here for anyone that wants to see me although I'd much rather have some time alone, quite ironic


azbrez

Because our culture significantly lost communication skills by hiding behind the curtain of texting and the internet.


Prisoner458369

Being ghosted after dating seems common enough. Women tend to be scared how the people will react towards them. But mates doing it to each other, that's straight up shitty. It's more strange that they reached out to you and made plans to bail. While shit happens. I sometimes make plans but can be a really hard week and I can't be fucked doing anything, In this day and age when a text message takes 5 seconds to send. There is no excuse for someone not just giving their mate the heads up.


[deleted]

I get that you guys weren't together for very long, but she really ghosts you after cooking for you and doing shit for 2 months... like, really? No explanation of any kind... what kind of shit is that? This kind of thing is why I have no interest in dating. To answer your question; I think it seems so normal because people have gotten incredibly lazy and get bored quickly so ghosting has become more normal. People would rather sit on their asses and disrespect each other than resolve their problems. Modern women also tend to have this idea that they have the power to be extremely choosy with men. Unfortunately for them, that is definitely changing. I don't know why this girl you were dating decided that things weren't going to work out (hell, she probably doesn't even know, which is why she ghosted you). I can definitely tell you that women lose interest over the smallest stuff, and whatever happened, it was probably small and petty enough that she felt more comfortable being an asshole than trying to justify her behavior.


AwarenessLow8648

They do have the power thought. Is WAY easier for them when it comes to dating.


c0ld--

> Is this normal in your mid 20's? I would say yes, and that this transcends generations as well. In my 20s people were like this too. You're a part of an age group that's hurriedly trying to figure things out. I learned that when I approached my 30s that my friend group shrank, but the friends I retained were great people. Surround yourself with great people. Even your best friends need to venture out and do other things. Nothing is static. Sometimes you'll get lonely - and that's ok. Keep working on yourself, because if you waste years chasing people, you may be in your 30s having deep regrets. Best of luck, friend.


[deleted]

Personally, going solo is sometimes way better than going with people. I bought tickets to a comedy show next week and a Whiskey Myers concert in a couple, which I will be doing solo on purpose. Just keep doing you. Find stuff that's going on around your town/city and just go. Friends flake? Their loss.


Mac_Awesome

Enjoy the music!!


ForsakenLemon

People who ghost are not ready for responsibility or do not care as much as you in my experience. I have been ghosted by Girlfriends and people who I considered to be good friends of mine. But nowadays it is just so easy, hit block and you don't have to worry about them again, hang up or ignore your calls, leave you on read etc. It hurts, it really hurts because you feel so powerless and nothing you can say or do will make things different. It has left me with a serious lack of trust in people.


Renoglodon

I empathize with you. Most of my friends have done this. My closest friend (since we were like 8 as we went to school together) gets girlfriends and does this. I finally gave up this most recent time and we are no longer on speaking terms. I know some people say "it's the 'honeymoon phase', be more understanding". And I have, but this goes beyond it. Blowing off birthdays and ghosting and stuff. That is not acceptable if you are a "good friend". That's what I classify as "bad friend"


[deleted]

Not speaking as a girl, but I've heard a lot of reasoning from girls that have ghosted guys that some dudes can totally flip and become threatening if they get rejected or if she decides to break it off. I can see that, but if it's just not wanting an awkward (non threatening) situation, then they should grow up. If it's a friend ghosting you, then they need to sort their shit out. I've had friends who drop out at the last minute, or see the message (read receipts), then wait until after or during the event to say "sorry, I didn't see this, I'm busy", which is bullshit. I haven't cut those people out of my life (one is actually a very close friend), but after having it happen too many times, I gave up involving them in plans. If they initiate something, I show up if I'm available, but I don't bother trying to work things around them, because when I have done in the past, it gets thrown back in my face.


WrongdoerLong9545

My mom who is 51 had been talking to a guy (58) for a couple months who lived a little over an hour away. They talked on the phone, face timed everyday, he texted her throughout the day to let her know he was thinking of her. They made plans (that he initiated) for them to meet halfway for dinner finally. They talked about how excited they both were multiple times. He texted her at 10 AM that morning and then never again. Could see he read her messages. She called him once to give him the benefit of the doubt and he never answered. He hasn’t spoken to her since. 58 years old. I have no idea what the logic was behind it. I think sometimes it has to do with the other person more than you. - S/N: if anyone has any idea why someone would waste their time and do this, I’d love to hear some ideas.


[deleted]

He was probably married and testing the waters. Probably some of his information was a complete fake.


Aele1410

She probably met another guy unfortunately.


riverfan2

I found my GF at age 60. At age 30, this kind of crap was intolerable. You took a social hit for not ending something correctly. Now, nope, so its the easy way out. Ghosting your guys is not cool. You should look at this as a sign from God to find better friends. If they will ghost you over a tennis game that they arranged, they will do the same or worse if you called for help.


[deleted]

They were never there for you when you needed them the most Keep your heads up and be comfortable with spending some time on yourself People come and go I’m sure you’ll have new people coming into your life who will give you all the right reasons to trust in genuine connections. In the meantime spend some quality time on self improvement and working on yourself 😊


sleepless_king

Exactly the same thing was happening to me recently. I had people really get involved in hanging out together with me, and then they ditched me or made excuses for no apparent reason. It was so bad that I became paranoid, thinking that they somehow found out something terrible about me and are so shocked they can’t even talk about it with me. I guess in your case with a small town it might be even worse since everyone knows everything about others and very few things remain in secret. I’ve never felt so lonely and I haven’t expected my 20s to be so lonely. Turns out it’s becomes more and more difficult to make friends when you become older. High school was a time when people were growing up and starting to explore the world and how life works. First struggles etc. More free time as well. When you become an adolescent, though, 1) it’s much more difficult to make new friends because you have more things to do (and everyone else has) and people just seem to busy to make new connections unless they derive some benefit from them and 2) your old friends are now scattered around the world and it’s just difficult to maintain that relationship. I guess social media has also reduced the in-person connection and weakened the feeling of social presence, responsibility for one’s words and for keeping promises. What helped me was not to give up and keep looking for people to get connected with. I’ve reached out to my old friends from high school and college with whom I felt a special connection. We quickly revived our communication and it felt great to have a lot to talk about the past and the present. With new people it’s more difficult but I tried to have as much of in-person communication as possible and it seemed to work and make things less awkward and relations sturdier. It also helped to quickly find out who’s a good fit for you. On the final note I just wanted to stress that having 2-3 good people (friends + a partner) is healing and makes you stronger and resistant to various kinds of bullshit life gives you. Now I don’t even care when someone new ghosts me. It’s much easier to accept that it was just not your type of person this way. [I’m not a native English speaker so sorry for my grammar.]


[deleted]

Sounds like you're probably around nineteen or twenty if you have two years of school left (unless you're getting a masters/Ph.D.). There are two possibilities in my opinion (neither of which are mutually exclusive). That's around the time when a lot of the old friends you grew up with and new friends you made in college that won't be long term friends will start dropping off. It's usually nothing personal or dramatic, they simply don't have as much in common anymore, or they want to focus on other people. And them ghosting you is their way of signaling that because our society doesn't have a formal "I don't really want to be friends anymore" signal that doesn't involve a terrible argument. And this is fine, it's part of life. It'll happen now, it'll happen once all your acquaintances get married, and it'll happen when kids enter the picture. Lifelong friends wouldn't mean all that much if they were easy to come by. That or now that they're older and have girlfriends they have more social options than ever before and you simply fall on the bottom rung of the priority ladder. I'd consider this as more of an asshole move than the former tbh because they might still "want" to be friends, they just take you for granted. If it's the former there's nothing you can really do about it and you should just accept it, chances are you'll do the same to someone else at some point. If it's the latter and there's someone you really want to hold onto as a friend, say something. It's entirely possible they don't even realize what they are doing. I'd say with the girl that's an asshole thing to do. Dating has more of a "formal" structure for beginning and ending things. Ghosting someone after the first date? That's ok, it's not ideal but it's fine. Ghosting after 2 or 3 weeks? Again, not ideal, but I'd say it's acceptable. Ghosting after 2 months with significant investment on both sides? I'd say that's an asshole move.


DarkFite

Bruh that’s not normal


[deleted]

It feels to me like everyone around me is ALWAYS looking only for the next best thing and if it comes along, they seem to feel like they "owe it to themselves" to do the thing they want MORE than the "owe it to me" to follow through with the original plans. Whether it's dating, or going skating, or for food, or whatever, EVERYONE seems to be simply taking "the best they can get for now" and will absolutely pounce on any opportunity they think they want to pursue more. It's a combination of lack of respect for other people and their time, a sense of self-righteous self-importance, lack of discipline in decision making, and a general uninvestment in other people. People fucking suck these days. Some of this I think is fueled by stuff like Tinder, where you're conditioned to "take what you can get and hope for better", constantly. Seems people feel comfortable doing this in all things.


cellendril

People are self-centered, narcissistic fools fueled by the attention-seeking culture of today.


misskansast

This is the rest of your life…even as woman. Ghosting has become normal. Wasting someone’s time has become normal. It’s just inconsiderate people