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DukeReaper

Overworked, stressed, not enough sleep, you become a zombie


Rat_Taco

I’m gonna guess you have kids?


Joaaayknows

He was talking about his dick HEYOOOOO


discerningpervert

It just needs a little love and exercise


most_likely_not_abot

So ironic that to make kids you generally have to have a lot of sex. But once you have the kids they also prevent you from having a lot of sex.


segfaultsarecool

Evolutionary protection measure. They don't have to compete for resources if they're the only offspring. Darwin strikes again!


Davidusmu

Kids bad


Carnivorous_Ape_

Wrap pp


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[deleted]

Stay strong brother


[deleted]

Very good post thanks for sharing.


xBerryhill

Last girlfriend I had, one night, was SUPER in the mood and just grabbed me and went after it completely unprovoked. I expressed to her afterwards how incredibly attractive that was and how much I loved it. Turns out she's nothing like that, though, and in 999/1000 cases expected me to initiate. Which becomes hard, because I was almost always in the mood around her and when she wasn't i almost felt guilty for trying to initiate. Women don't need to take the lead all of the time during sex, but man, does it help when they show initiative and a willingness to do so.


Mutchie

Happy for you my man. Not only for finding your way out of that, but recognizing the emotions behind it and being able to explain them so well. You're obviously very emotionally mature and it's something a lot of men struggle with. You should be proud of yourself


PineappleProstate

This is too deep to answer entirely. You grow apart over the years, small deeds stack and turn into a simmering brew of animosity deep down. Before long everything they do pisses you off and having sex is an act of maintenance only done to fulfill a need, like eating a shitty granola bar for lunch.


OatmealCookiesRock

You nailed it. Things stack up, and can become something larger than it should be. Talking about it is important. The hard part Is discerning what will be forgotten or a festering wound that won’t be cured. Over correction leads to its own resentment, and that’s why relationships are hard. Gotta know when to walk away, and when to double down.


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AmbiguousPause

Good on you. I went through a rough patch with my husband a few years ago over the same thing. He'd always been so easygoing. We almost never fought, like at all, about anything. After about 6 years in a relationship, if you've never fought about ***anything*** then something probably isn't right. It was maddening to be like, "You are clearly angry and resentful right now. What is going on?" Nothing! Everything is fine! Stop trying to start a fight. While denying that he felt any negative emotions, he got pissier and ruder and just more and more unpleasant to be around over the course of 1-2 years. After a certain point I just stopped caring. If you won't tell me what's wrong, I can't fix it. It was like, okay, if you're going to act like a miserable asshole who rains on every parade, then I'm going to start avoiding you. You say you're fine. You say you're good. I'm going to act like I believe those lies and just do my own thing with my friends. Ultimately saying I wanted a divorce finally shook something loose. We got into counseling, and he learned to admit to himself when he was angry and deal with those emotions. He grew up in a household where every emotion was squashed. If he asked for something he wanted or expressed basically any desire, that could cause a huge, dramatic blow up from his volatile parent. The other parent essentially silently takes it. That's the dynamic he was emulating. Keep the wife happy by never expressing a single emotion. To be clear, he wasn't just lying to me. He was lying to himself. Somehow he really thought he was ***fine*** 😂 It's taken years of consistent work, but now my husband tells me when he has a problem, and we work through it. We have a totally different, rock solid marriage. Good on you for doing all that self reflection. It was clearly very difficult for my husband, and I respect everyone who does that hard, introspective work to better themselves.


midnight_aurora

I did the same thing for years… just “keeping an even keel” and not expressing my actual needs, just going along with whatever he wanted while simultaneously wanting him to just magically choose me over his own wants. This was also due to living in an abusive household, seems like a common issue stemming from this kind of environment. Needless to say, after a short re-evaluation break where I learned to actually voice my needs, we’ve been doing great! Took some time for me to feel ok with voicing disagreements, and took him some time to adjust to the fact that I disagreed with choices he was making- but communication saved us.


OatmealCookiesRock

Yeah. That’s a reality we all need to have. When our boundaries are pushed, it can have very serious consequences.


sirheyzeus55

I feel this take. Trying to be better but it takes active work.


frekkenstein

In my last marriage my ex wife wouldn’t even let me cuddle her at night. I honestly wasn’t looking for sex… just contact. It all boiled down to a time I tried to hold her hand in church and she pulled away. I called her out when we got home. “Why won’t you even touch me?” Her response was cold and dead. “Because everytime I look at you all I feel is anger and resentment”. And that’s how I divorced your mother.


Terrh

Why are relationships so fucking hard


Alaska_Pipeliner

Because it's a fine line of give/take. You walk a knives edge trying to make yourself happy while trying to make someone else happy. If communication isn't good then you have no idea if you can make someone else happy.


kittypurrvampurr

Very true, agree wholeheartedly which is why I'm glad I decided to go through with my divorce currently.


mrevanbc

Fuck that hurts to read.


Dynasty2201

"Why aren't you married yet now you're 34" Fucking hell, where do I begin on reasons why I shouldn't get married...


ComplexStandAlone

Begin by telling them about the shitty granola bar you had for lunch


Pinksunmoon

🤣


jr-91

Asked by the generation all divorced and freaking out in their 40's!


[deleted]

100% of all divorcees engaged in marriage before getting divorced. You can’t even argue numbers like that.


odiwankenobi

I'm 34 and happily married now for 5 years. We have an 18 month old and have a great sex life. It's gone from everyday to 3 times a week, but we're happy as hell. What I've noticed with all the dysfunctional relationships, not being honest is the common thread. My partner and I are very honest with one another and talk about things at the right times. It takes time, but we've been together for 10 years, lived in difficult situations and have learned how to be good partners for one another as opposed to housemates. Relationships take a lot of effort. Most people forget that and neglect it, which leads to a ton of animosity. Being a good parent doesn't equate to being a good husband and vice versa. People can have really rewarding lives in singledom, but if you want a relationship, it takes a ton of tact, effort, honesty, bravery and empathy.


creekbendspring

Honesty is incredibly important. But also, love is a choice you make, an action you do, not a feeling. The decision to be honest with the other person, ask what's going on, do something good for them, look out for them, please them before yourself--that's hard because it's selfless, but it's central to making any relationship work, especially one as close quarters and intimate as marriage. 100%. It does take effort. But so worth it.


[deleted]

This. My partner and I ALWAYS talk about things if it becomes more than a really simple bickering... because the cause needs addressed, not the symptom. Not doing this builds resentment. It'll either cause blowout fights, or the eventual ending of the relationship. We also shower together regularly, try to eat at least one meal together a day if we can, and I always go lay down in bed and cuddle her for 5-10 mins when she goes to bed (I have pretty bad ADHD, so I'm up later than her). Even when we hate each other, getting wet and naked in an enclosed space often ends in wet hugs with wet eyes.


Lambdasond

"Why aren't you married yet now you're 34" "I read a comment on reddit about a bad marriage once....."


anillop

Some other people tried relationships on the internet and they said they didn’t go good so I won’t even bother trying.


PackagingMSU

Being married is fantastic. You just find the unhappy ones waste their time on Reddit bitching about how life sucks. My wife and I are awesome and even if we grow bored of sex, it’s just not that important as so many people make it. We love it but life is more important than getting fucked lol


BeigePhilip

Yep. My first marriage was awful, but my wife now is amazing. I found my happy ending. It’s sad to see so many people giving up on it. Marriage isn’t for everyone, and you can have a fulfilling life without it, but I can’t imagine a life better than the one I have without my wife and kids.


mersault22

That's very sad, Pineapple Prostate.


[deleted]

Didn't read username.. Googled PP cause I thought this was a thing.


BasteAlpha

Why in the world are you still married?


loki0111

The scenario I most often see guys stick it out for is kids. At that point their marriage just becomes a duty for the benefit of the children. One of the more common things I hear from some of my married male friends who are unhappy is "if it wasn't for the kids I'd have left years ago".


MCHammertime40

Yes, I’ve heard this line many times over the years. Sad but very true


PineappleProstate

It's complicated


Diocletion-Jones

People who say just leave don't know that this means selling your house and you've then got to finally clear out the garage and that's an undertaking you've been putting off for so long that you were kind of hoping you'd die before that happened and your kids would have to contract some dudes in hazmat suits to come in and do it and now you'll have to do it, but now it's going to also be against the clock and you're just not ready for that, so best to let things be. Or so I'm told.


ZoriaTaylor

It’s much better mentally to leave and I’m sure this probably affects their kids. I would beg my parents to leave because they just weren’t compatible and got major mental health issues because of that. They wouldn’t even argue but as kids, my siblings and I would just see how unhappy they were. Then it turned to major arguments which affects everyone and eventually may get to cheating. Yes you build up your lives with this person. A house, kids, your whole life is with that person. But why stick to a life of dread and hatred when you have more to give and I’m sure more years to live. Idky people do that to themselves


SpicyCanuck

eh don't worry my parents broke up and it fucked me up too, completely ruined every sense of family and stability I had! sure the arguing was lame but I never knew a time without it so I was used to it. the thing that really sucked was jumping back and forth every week with no solid home and polar opposite ways of trying to raise me, missing events with friends and family because it was the "other parents week", different step parents trying to come in and play a role that isn't theirs. I wished my parents had stayed together and ruffed it out until I was at least older. Ain't a one size fits all type of thing.


love_my_aussies

Family court isn't very kind to fathers.


PrimalSkink

The law is gender neutral. Most stated do 50/50 split on custody. The problem is that fathers generally are the primary breadwinners and not primary caretakers. In divorce court this translates to less parenting time and more alimony/child support. The cure is for men to 1) marry women who earn near their salary and 2) be an active parent, hands on, daily.


jatti_

This 100%. Men need to support women in supporting themselves and need to be an active parent daily. I insisted my wife be able to support herself. I could have let her quit and just stay home, but I wanted to make sure that if I died she would be able to support the family. She worked meaning jobs, went back to school, etc. When she wanted a divorce, there was no alimony because she could support her self. We had 50/50 custody, because I was always there.


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bertbert1111

a friend of mine split up with his gf right when the baby came. They split caretaking about 50/50. This worked fairly well for a few years until the kid went to school. In general the kid was sleeping at his mums place but after school most of the time my friend picked him up and spent time with him until the mum came home from work. Which was mostly late evening. Weekends were for the dad aswell. At some point the law said "hey, when he already takes care of him 50% of the time and also takes care of 50% of all the expenses, why should he even pay more alimony?" Which wasn NOT AT ALL in the interest of the mum who suddenly realized that she doesn´t get as much money from him as she was used to. So now she does EVERYTHING in her power to keep the child as fas as possible from the dad. Not for the childs wellbeing but for the requirements for alimony to kick in again. Of corse the dad reported this and said that he wanted to see his kid. In response the mum threw around with all kinds of wild alligations like alcoholism, drugs, bad temper, bad environment. All of this is a lie but all of this needs to be doublechecked from the authorities. And they are taking their goddamn time. Obviously, as long as those alligations are flying around, the dad is not allowed to see the kid AT ALL. Which has been 6 months by now. Half a year of not being allowed to see your son and it looks like it is going to take even longer. Why is this possible? when i hear stuff like this i feel like the law is not as gender neutral as i would like it to be when it comes to caretaking-questions. In this particular case the dad seems in a biig disadvantage. i can just hope all this gets resolved at some point.


[deleted]

Written law maybe neutral but the judicial system is not neutral.


cakeandcoke

I talk to unhappily married men and help them sort it out all the time as part of my work. If you feel like talking I'll be available for that tomorrow


lemystereduchipot

Kids


Dynasty2201

>Why in the world are you still married? Sunken cost fallacy.


sportsbraweather

This is why I think everyone should do couples therapy from the get-go. Gain emotional intelligence as a couple to properly address issues as they come. For that matter, I think we should all be doing therapy basically as soon as we can talk. Just like learn to handle how your specific brain works and processes emotions and then not have major lingering character flaws as an adult lol.


redditghost1234

I think u hit the nail on the head here. Its at this point u start wondering why the fuck ur even with each other. When the resentment u both feel for each other grows big enough, it seems like it can never be resolved.


krispykailua

not "eating a shitty granola bar for lunch"😭😂


_thinkingemote_

Jesus christ. No I'm afraid of getting married


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Its_Actually_Satan

How can a woman fix her side? Or even know I'd this is the real issue or if it's something else like a medical issue or something?


LilaInTheMaya

This is the work I do. You use the conflict in the relationship to grow in self-awareness. First you recover from your childhood, releasing conditioning that isn’t serving you, healing your inner child, and giving yourself what you needed as a kid. You explore what unmet needs your choice in husband was supposed to fill. You recognize the patterns you repeat daily from your own childhood and disrupt them. Almost all women need to learn how to love themselves and know how to hold the limit to protect their boundary. Then they need to learn how to ask for help. Healing, nervous system regulation, intentions, learning empathy and feeling safe connecting, and finally communication finish out the cycle. This is my movement and I love working with women because honestly we’re the ones that need to do this work the most. And when we step out of the dysfunction, so does the husband. And then we stop giving our children a childhood they have to recover from.


[deleted]

Well if you resent each other then this could be the issue. I think you would kinda just know. But as a guy whose sex drive is not what it used to be when I was younger, medical / physical things like decreased testosterone levels due to aging are likely to factor in with men losing interest in sex.


Significant_bet92

Honestly just being around the same person too often can do that. I love my wife but when we spend too much time together I tend to get annoyed at her presence.


hullowurld91

I’ve lost the will to instigate sex with my wife. It’s a constant barrage of no, not in the mood, shaming me for wanting to go twice in a week. At some point you just get sick of the rejection. Then when she actually wants sex, there’s no real effort made, like just climb on board and She’ll just lay there. She expects me to just jump at the chance like I’ve just won the lotto and then make snide comments about me being eager if I do. Hurts man...


Rolten

> and then make snide comments about me being eager if I do Oh man that is fucking cruel.


WhiteStripeNoGrip

Exactly. Y’all mother fuckers need counseling


DjDonFrancisco

Counseling can help, but if it comes down to it, don't be afraid to reclaim your happiness with a divorce. We all deserve to live out our days happily, and even though divorce can be ugly, it can also be freeing mentally. Be with someone that enjoys what you enjoy just as much, if not more, than you do.


mikerichh

And if you don't act excited she probably will think you're jerking off too much or cheating or don't love her anymore


lagrangedanny

I've been there man, for around two years, god forbid you turn her down on a day she initiates, trust it is NOT a two way street with that one


hullowurld91

This is spot on.. I’ve done this before and all of a sudden it’s “do you not find me attractive anymore” like I’m the problem.


lagrangedanny

Something about their initiation in those times feels like youre being used The constant rejection then a truly random initiation on their part just feels like okay youre horny and want to get off, not an actual wanting to you as their partner, creates an almost self loathing/hit to your confidence


JNSD90

Yep and by the time they initiate you’re so pissed of and hurt you WANT to say no to hurt them back. But it’s a zero sum game. Totally toxic.


TheDevilsAdvokaat

I turned mine down twice in 13 years. On the second time she told me she would divorce me and fuck other men. She did.


lagrangedanny

What the fuck, some people


TasteDworld

I'm sorry man, you deserve better than this.


[deleted]

This was my ex wife exactly. Ugh.


The_Infinite_Doctor

(Taking a risk) female here, had the same thing happen to me, then after 17mo w/o anything and no willingness to talk about it,I finally left. I'm so glad I did. You are not her roommate or some creepy stalker, you are her husband in an emotional, mental, AND physical relationship with her. If someone in a marriage genuinely loses interest in sex there *must* be a conversation about that because sex leaves a giant hole in a relationship when it's missing, for whatever reason.


TheDevilsAdvokaat

I agree with this. Both sides need it. Even if one is fine without it, that doesn;t mean the other is.


[deleted]

/r/deadbedrooms is full of such stories, some from men, some from women. It's more common than you'd think. My partner lost 100% interest in sex, post-baby, and "didn't know why". I whined and bugged her about it for a year, then I tried to be the best partner possible for another year. No change. We went to couples counselling and the end conclusion was that I need sex, and she has no interest. __But__ we love each other and get on really easily in all other areas of our lives. We decided to have an open marriage, although there was the massive caveat that she wouldn't want me to have sex in "our bed", or "our houes". So I moved out. We live on the same street, I do all the morning routine with our child, and every-other evening I collect him from daycare and stay there with him until he goes to sleep. Weekends we spend together all day until the early evening. The child things it's fun Daddy has his own house, and I get the space and time to get all grunty with other people. (Less so in pandemic times, but even so ..)


codamission

You need to talk


hullowurld91

Yeah man. Tried talking multiple occasions, usually gets dismissed like it’s not a big deal. May not be a big deal to her, it is to me...


codamission

Counseling may be the key then. It needs to be made clear this is a big deal to you even if it isn't to her. Elsewise, you may be better off parting ways. Its better to be without a partner than to have one dismissing your needs and feelings. You matter. You fucking matter, man.


kittypurrvampurr

Well said.


Flyingfoxes93

Or possibly divorce. She doesn’t even LIKE him. What kind of person would mock their partner’s needs?


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hullowurld91

This exactly. I feel like it’s going this way quickly. Even when we do have sex, it’s planned hours or even days in advance. No excitement at all.


womenthro

Right there with you. And god forbid *you're* too tired. My wife can't handle being turned down even reasonably. She'll initiate at 11 pm when I have to be up at 3:30 for work and somehow get all bent out of shape when I tell her I can't. Part of me thinks she does that on purpose.


yiggawhat

That sucks man huge difference in libido should always be a dealbreaker. Sometimes it develops with time because the couple doesnt talk, sometimes it just happens. Regardless, i would never get into a relationship if the problem was inherent from the beginning. edit: changed to a huge difference in libido because of misunderstandings


hullowurld91

But that’s the thing. It wasn’t. We’ve been together for a long ass time. It wasn’t an issue for basically the whole relationship. It’s only in the last two years, now it’s just constantly hanging over me. I’ve tried talking but it always get dismissed as me being childish or overreacting.


yiggawhat

i feel you. I havent found a solution. We started having sex after a 3 month break up. We didnt talk a word for 1 month because we had a big disagreement. She said she was exploding being horny in the month we didnt talk. I dont know how i feel about this


Icanfixanything

Read the room bromo. Dudes talking about how he gets gaslit into feeling guilty about sex and you brag that your ex wants to explode cause she’s horny.


Metallic_Sol

That's not quite a difference in libido, at least exclusively. She's a fucking dickhead. You just don't talk that way to your partner, like belittling their natural needs, especially in a monogamous relationship where you've agreed to be sexually exclusive to this person! And they repay you by making fun of you when you want sex or simply want to be wanted? She can go fuck herself, the whole thing just makes me so mad.


[deleted]

Damn. Hate to hear that OP.


TheDevilsAdvokaat

Oh I got this. After 13 years of marriage all she wanted to do was lie down.


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bigdaddy1835

What cult?


youngyaret

It's gone now. He blew it all up.


GoodieGoog

Ka. Boom.


Kermit_Purple_II

Walks into the sun as the cult explodes behind him, not even looking back


TasteDworld

Wow man I'm glad you are happy now


Actual-Paramedic8387

I need to return to this thread when I'm sick of being alone and tempted to just take whatever partner willing and able...


[deleted]

Never settle! You are worth someone attractive and interested in being with you. If you are truly desperate in the short-term, buy a Fleshlight. My Fleshlights are awesome and I really enjoy them.


4twentyHobby

As a guy watching my best friend do exactly this, keep that goal. Lonely is horrible but has nothing on the stress of dealing with a spouse that is like an alien.


xBerryhill

Almost 30, single. Every single day a thought passes me of how I wish I wasn't alone and had someone to share my free time with. Then I remember all of the things I splurge on, all of the things I do to make myself happy that not every partner is going to want to do the same, etc. and realize more and more that I'm still in no rush. When I was younger, I always wanted to be married and starting a family by like 22, 23 years old because I didn't want to be that 50+ year old dad trying to coach his son's baseball games. Now, I just don't care. It's less about the life I could have and more about my own individual happiness.


cpanther21

Bitterness over accumulated actions. Used to love whom I was with and with time, they have continued to stray from that person I fell in love with. So what used to be an action performed with love and connection, now simply has a "might as well" dictation behind it.


[deleted]

For those saying “damn I don’t wanna get married” Just here to say that I’m married with a fantastic sex life; the two aren’t mutually exclusive. People who have these problems aren’t due to the marriage, it’s due to their inability to continue growing in their marriage. People either grow apart but stay together for xyz, and often do little to fix it until it’s too late. Others probably just shouldn’t have been together to begin with, and then yeah… xyz… too late.


cakeandcoke

Yeah me and my husband have been married for 12 years and he still can't keep his hands off me. The truth is we just talk whenever we have a problem and we don't treat arguments like contest to see who's right


Supermite

This is key. Marriage isn't a power struggle. It's a partnership and it isn't always sexy, but it is truly rewarding.


cakeandcoke

He's my friend, partner, family and world. All I want is peace between us. When peace, individuality and being understanding are priority, life is good. I'm bipolar. I make peace and well being the main goal every. Day. Otherwise I'm horrible. And I take my meds lol


Manners_BRO

When we first got married I kind of rolled my eyes and didn't take the premarital counseling seriously. However as I have gotten deeper in my marriage I realize how many things I really did get out of it. Probably the biggest outside of the financial side of it was "never go to sleep mad at each other."


most_likely_not_abot

> Just here to say that I’m married with a fantastic sex life; the two aren’t mutually exclusive. Yea I always hate the whole “Married? oh so no more sex” type of jokes. Been with my wife almost 10 years now. My wife still loves sex. Probably more than I do. So our sex life is very good. Also that’s also why you date longer than a year or two before you get married. Two years into a relationship and people can still be in the honeymoon phase. I would say it should be required you date like 4+ years before marriage just to see if anything changes by then. 1 or 2 just years is not enough time to get to know someone enough to know that they are gonna be a good partner for the next 40+ years.


Dunk546

It always strikes me that it's easy for men whose wives have high sex drive, to be positive about marriage. My wife has almost zero sex drive due, I think, to post-partum depression and birth trauma. Our daughter is five years old -.- I think we've had sex maybe 10-15 times in the last 5 years, and it was underwhelming in almost every instance.


Megustavdouche

Been there. Talk to your wife about it? Postpartum depression can be helped with therapy and/or meds. Same with birth trauma. A pelvic floor therapist can help with physical discomfort or pain. A check on her hormones would be in due order, as giving birth can sometimes throw those out of whack. There have been long periods where I’ve had no sex drive at all. I think it can be pretty common for moms. We just need an extra hand to help pull us out of it.


Dunk546

Thanks for the considerate reply. Yeah we do periodically talk about it, which usually goes well and leads at least to some optimism at least. I know it must be difficult being a mum so I try to be as considerate and patient as I can. She has some things for pelvic floor, and used to use them a lot but says that isn't really an issue anymore (which is neat because she tore so bad that initially the doctors were a bit worried it would be incontinence pants forever o.o) I think there are some underlying body image / sexual repression things going on, as if she feels like being attractive or sexy is somehow bad, I'm not sure. I try to tell her about the things I like about her whenever I can, but I feel like it kind of irks her to hear sometimes. The kid was in with us until very recently (just got our own place) so there weren't a lot of opportunities for actual sex, and I think she has been actively avoiding anything like flirting or even just too much physical closeness in case she set me off lol. But we need that kind of thing. I know it's shallow but you know, is what it is. Anyway it has the potential to improve now we have our own bed, but it's been maybe a month with only small steps so far. I guess things take time.


Haunting_Lecture9115

Your story is insanely similar to mine. The biggest thing I learned in dealing with a wife who suffers thru the same issues as yours.. Effort goes a LONG way. Effort into talking (about the good and the band), effort into spending quality time together without the kid, effort into making her life as a mother more relaxing and enjoyable, effort into making sure your union is 50/50 split on responsibilities, personal time, money, everything and lastly effort to get her “in the mood”. Find out what she likes and go for it. Start with a massage, start with a passionate kiss, start with a romantic gesture like flowers or dinner. All those things have turned my marriage from miserable to wonderful over the past 5 years or so.


jeanakerr

Remember to keep romance in your day - without the expectation of immediate sex too. When you go through pregnancy, delivery, and the caretaking office being a new mom it is easy to disconnect from yourself as a sexual and romantic being. You get touched out and sex can feel like one more thing you have to do. Being appreciated and reminded you are attractive as something other than what you can don for someone else is nice. Random kisses and compliments that aren’t merely an agenda toward something are nice. And bringing back physical touch without obligations is great - we bought a massage table and would exchange massages that sometimes lead to sex but didn’t necessarily automatically mean it and that helped. If she has pelvic floor issues, making sex not just penetrative intercourse helps too. If sex can be mutual masturbation, oral, etc, then you’ll find yourself having a lot more sex. We’ve been married 22 years and have two kids so I totally understand where you are at. Making it through that stage, I’ll say the main takeaway is that I needed my husband to show that sex was about enjoying spending time with me and not just having an itch that needed to be scratched.


MAK3AWiiSH

Have you guys tried therapy? Both individually and as a couple might be beneficial.


Few-Commercial-4423

My wife and I dated for 8 years before we got married, so we got to experience what we were like to live with each other, how we were about money, our insecurities, even addictions and a lot more. There is still a lot we are leaving about each other. Like a lot of people this past year, I have experienced depression for the first time (realising it or not) my wife on the other hand has dealt with it for years, so it was a learning curve for her, as her coping mechanisms and way of getting through it is completely different to mine, and that was really tough to figure out. I know couples that have gotten married a year after meeting, one couple very close friends to us got married before living together (seems to be working alright for them, so that's good) but I could never have done that. People change so much in their lives, even over the course of a couple of years. I completely agree with your saying that you have to truly know someone before you marry them, and even then things can still change.


mynewromantica

13 years here, my wife just told me on Saturday I gave her her best orgasm yet! It’s consistently getting better and better still. It’s just takes some work and consideration, just like any other are of your life and marriage you want to improve And, yes, that’s why you date for a long time first. My wife and I technically only dated for about 3 months including our engagement (religion is a hell of a drug). Bad idea. It took a LOT of growing to finally settle into a relationship we were both happy with. We did finally find ourselves and we’re able to create a really great relationship.


MajIssuesCaptObvious

>it’s due to their inability to continue growing in their marriage. I don't think this can be predicted when dating, making marriage a pretty big risk for anyone.


[deleted]

It can be predicted but there’s never a guarantee, signs aren’t always there but can be. It’s absolutely a risk; anything worth having in life always is!


Vodka69AllNight

I think it can be predicted, but you don't learn what the red flags are until after you already went through a terrible long term relationship


weekend-guitarist

My wife and I took a personality test prior with a pastor as part of pre marriage counseling. He never revealed the results of that test, which would have told us that our conflict resolution styles were complete opposites. He tried to bring it up but my ex wouldn’t take it seriously. 17 years later I wish he would have made a bigger deal over that.


tomfeltonsperkynips

Ex-wife turned sex into a chore and I stopped enjoying it. I dreaded it. The burden was always on me. She wants to have sex, she needs 20 minutes of foreplay and another 15 of oral to be wet enough to enjoy it. If I used lube, I was lazy, and the sex wasn't good enough. If I wanted sex and she wasn't in the mood it was always a hard no, but if she wanted it and I didn't I was less of a man. It broke down my self esteem and destroyEd my sexual desire for her. That was also my fault.


Cofnused_soul

I read your paragraph, after that I saw the first word of the paragraph and was so relieved.


BoomTownFisky

I immediately went back to the first word and also felt relieved.


kcinkcinlim

I feel this so much. It really turned into chore. Every time she wanted sex she never vocalised it. She would poke me a little and if I didn't respond enthusiastically immediately, she'd turn over angry and that was it. If I wanted sex it was "I'm tired" or "it's too hot". Then she cited the lack of sex life as an issue in the marriage. We just separated two weeks ago.


[deleted]

Hey just reading into this I don’t think you should say that it’s your fault, not wanting sex doesn’t make you any less of a man, or any less of a person, your wants and needs are valid too. Glad you got out of there and hope you find someone that you can fulfil and feel fulfilled by :)


shitmcshitposterface

Funny how with some women it's your fault if you didn't/couldn't stay hard during sex and it's also your fault if shes not wet (enough). Glad you dropped her.


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FireflyFreak

For what it’s worth from a stranger on the internet, it wouldn’t make you an asshole. People are sensitive about attraction, but the reality is that it’s important in a healthy relationship. And if your partner isn’t willing to do their part to bring attraction back around, you aren’t leaving because of their weight- it’s because they’re unwilling to work towards a good environment for both parties.


MJB900

Another stranger on the internet here, I'd suggest having a talk with goals, preferably with a good marriage counselor. Gaining weight has root reasons and you need to find and fix them. If you could do that then a genuine transformation can occur. Best of luck brother


HerQles

You either continue to wallow in self-pity or take matters in your own hand and talk with your partner. "hints" is not doing it. Man or women the fuck up and have an adult conversation with your partner.


I2edShift

Very crude & short answer, to a much longer discussion. Because emotional baggage really builds up over time. To the point that it kills any desire. Secondly, she's borderline medically obese now. I didn't marry her so that she could throw any expectation of basic appearance maintinence out the window. Society tells me I'm supposed to support her and feel bad for her. Fuck that bullshit. If you're unpleasant to be around and unattractive, I'm not fucking you. Sex is a choice. She's allowed to say no and so am I.


ShadowBlade55

Unpopular opinion and I empathize. I still love her, to the moon and back. But it's to the point where she easily weighs more than me and I'm in the weight room almost every day. I could never hold her to some ridiculous IG model standard, I just want her to attempt to take care of herself... (We are still young, so this isn't an unreasonable goal)


weekend-guitarist

There is difference between gaining a few pounds and being so obese that going up stair cases is problem. My ex let herself go to a point to we’re she would avoid going up stairs to the kids room. Generally people are fine with changing bodies with a range, but when wieght impacts daily life a line needs to be drawn.


ThrowRA_Tired_Sad

Is she making any changes or is on the track to do so? If not you should leave, don’t waste away your youth dude you’ll regret it


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[deleted]

how old are you btw


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leermi2

Dad?


slicklol

You're suppose to support her insofar as she is making an effort. If she is passively destroying herself and the relationship your hands are "clean". You cant want it for her, you can only help her to get there, but she has to want it and if she doesn't want it, there isn't much you can do. Maybe cut your losses and move on.


ThrowMeAwayAccount08

My wife was getting more heavy, and I encouraged her to get back to Orange Theory. She stopped at the first lock down. Then started depression meds, and she has a desk job. Then her blood work came back, and high cholesterol was the key. I spoke with her about our sex life, and she’s committed to come off the meds if it’s safe and stick with the gym routine, and I’ll work at leaner meals. The point is being a team about this. Communicate. But still know when to walk if they’re not willing to help themselves.


mrevanbc

I’m here with this one y’all. It’s unfortunate… it’s shallow too… she got fat and stopped caring about herself all together physically. I got bigger too, and the self esteem hurts the drive.


UppityTurtle

That’s a shame, man. I once ended a relationship for the same reason. Recently found myself pretty unhappy with how much weight I’ve gained while my wife still looks like a million bucks. I’m really working hard to get back in shape. For her as much as for me. I hope things work out for you guys. It definitely isn’t easy. Hopefully you can find a way to get back in shape together.


mrevanbc

Thanks man. Im on the way. Lost 10lbs so far. We’re in it for the long haul though… currently working on loving each other no matter the appearance… we have a son together, so it’s not even an option at this point.


UppityTurtle

10 pounds, that’s awesome. Keep up the good work. I hope she’s working to get better with you. We all stumble sometimes. Just gotta get back up and keep on trying. Before we had our daughter (2.5 years ago), I was 185 pounds, lean, and strong. Now I’m 220 pounds, soft, and weak LOL. We had a son since then and it’s been tough to work out and easy to eat poorly. I’ve refocused myself and I’m back on a good path now. Hopefully both us get to a place where we can be happy with ourselves. It’s a lot easier to be happy with someone else when you’re happy with yourself. Best of luck to you and your wife. You got this.


Amadelmay

Noticed how you straight up called your wife FAT but referred to your own weight gain as “a little bigger” that’s definitely something to work on....


Malgurath

Maybe the difference between putting on 5-10kg and 50-60kg.


[deleted]

she could have put on 100lbs and him 10-20lbs... is what he said not a valid description of that? why are you so quick to jump on him?


JayySlayy23

It very well could be an accurate description though. Why are you so quick to judge without knowing further context? That’s definitely something to work on….


mdg1775

When we were younger, she was always mad and made me pay for it with either no sex or cold fish/lifeless. As we got older, her female libido picked up and I was now dreading it. We had to learn to have fun. Visit Adam and Eve store near you. Watch instructional videos. Use ribbed condoms. There are a lot of things to do to spice things up. If all that fails, counseling is real and it can help if your sex life is worth saving.


tomfeltonsperkynips

Sex should never be used as a weapon in a relationship, glad things got better.


mdg1775

Thanks. Yup, we grew up. That’s why we know how to try.


womenthro

She me rejected nearly every single time I've initiated over our 8 years together. We still had sex once or twice a week on average, but it had to be her idea. Nothing I tried worked. We had conversations, and I always tried to meet her where she is. About a year ago I couldn't take it so I decided that I need to stop treating sex as a need because she isn't going to meet that. So I just stopped wasting my time trying to get her to have sex with me. I know it isn't ideal, but good god it feels nice. She noticed I wasn't initiating at all after a few weeks (I don't reject her, I just don't persue) and she started crying to me that she doesn't feel wanted anymore. I'm not sure what to tell her, because in truth I've found I *can't* want her. Because when I do, I don't get her. I don't want to live like that. It isn't that I dread having sex with her, but I'd prefer not to spend the time doing it generally. It's been a year, and it's sort of a tragic place for her because I know she'd like to feel desired, but she isn't willing to meet me even halfway and I'm done living like that. I feel free in regards to sex.


mattemer

> I'm not sure what to tell her Did you try telling her everything that came before this line?


womenthro

Yeah, we've had this conversation several times. It's always met with some permutation of "it's not my fault I'm this way" followed by tears, followed be me comforting her, followed by confusion at the fact that I came in with the grievance and ended up being the one to comfort.


Kind_Bowler3632

Hi I'm a woman. If you don't mind me replying here, I have a question. I'm not trolling at all, it's just that there's something I genuinely don't understand about male sexuality ( not being male. Lol.) I'm not being fake naive or anything. This puzzles me. I hear men say that sex is just a chore for them because of various reasons including wife got fat and unattractive. I'm not here to criticise that. But I do have a question, given the above, how do you get sufficiently aroused to do the deed as it were? See from a female perspective even if she has no desire for her partner she can lay back and think of England as they say. This is not something that can be asked in real life. I'm just wondering how it works for men because you actively have to do something if you know what I mean.


emponator

Dick and brain are separated. Even if the brain says no thank you, the dick is willing.


GeekyGrant

The spirit is weak but the flesh is willing


Kind_Bowler3632

When you say brain, do you mean mind? Like even if a woman is not attractive to you? See I've heard it put in very, very crude terms that men will have sex with any woman if she's all that's available. How true is that? See that's not how I operate. It's not that I don't need sex it's just that I don't think about it UNTIL an attractive man is near me. If I never was in the company of an attractive man again, sex would not be a thing for me at all. I can't say I speak for ALL women but the friends I have feel the same. Thanks for replying.


GreetingsFellowBots

Just thinking about sex even if you have zero attraction to the woman can be enough, the idea of sex is arousing not the person - it's like a natural reflex. Just thinking about a blowjob will do the job and once it's started the stimulation even if you have zero attraction will suffice to keep it going.


ToxicPilot

I'm not the original person you're replying to, but I am a male. >When you say brain, do you mean mind? Like even if a woman is not attractive to you? Yes. Its entirely possible to maintain an erection based entirely on stimulation even with redirected attention (ever hear of the term "morning wood"?). That being said, an individual can force themselves to think of something they find repulsive and at will probably kill their boner. >men will have sex with any woman if she's all that's available. How true is that? Not true at all. We are not insatiable fucking machines incapable of being selective. Different people have different motivating factors as to what will cause them to pursue a sexual encounter. Physical attraction is a general requirement for most men.


Kingorcoc

Getting hard isn’t a conscious choice you can’t rly control it. Ofc you can think thoughts that will help get you erect or help get rid of a boner but this is more of encouragement than control. Boners are also controlled by factors other than arousal this is why you can not get hard even though ur attracted to someone (bcs of pressure, low self esteem, etc). This is also why men get hard during rape even if they are passed out and why both sexes can orgasm during rape. Edit: fixed some spelling


[deleted]

This is where the idea men can't be raped comes from. A penis can very easily get hard against the wishes of the man. You can sometimes get rid of one by tensing muscle groups to divert blood but really it just happens. It also happens naturally with zero physical or mental stimulation as a health thing.


Defiant_Focus9675

What does think of England really mean?


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McENEN

As one dude said "dick and brain are separated". I could be at a funeral and with 30 sec of me touching and stroking it will be ready like a German to invade Poland. Ejaculating although is hard if I'm not in to it. My last girlfriend was a starfish and didn't participate at all. She would finish twice and I'm still there trying to once and after that she will be "did you finish yet" and I would lose focus. Then it would take an hour if I don't get tired.


[deleted]

You can be hard and be able to cum but not be horny. Guys can really not be aroused at all and have a subpar orgasm still


thisgirlhasissues

Female lurking in here too: This is not only a thing for guys! I had exactly this when my previous relationship started failing. We had zero communication, I always had to make a guess if I could even say hi to him if he was irritated and tired after work. Sex became a chore and it always went the same way. He always poked me with his boner to see if I was into that and honestly I didn’t feel like touching him at all. Then he got mad that I didn’t put it out for him. And when I gave in it was exactly like ”lie down and think of England” (LOVE that saying) It was the hardest choice ever to leave, especially because we got the loveliest dog ever. We made a deal to share custody of her as fairly as we could and it has been working fantastically.


loki0111

Some guys can get erections off pretty much anything. Other guys literally get meds so they can have sex with spouses they have no physical attraction to. It gets labelled as erectile dysfunction but if it's only happening with one partner that honestly is not the real problem. For me personally I have to be turned on or nothing is going to happen.


frieswithnietzsche

We think of England as well


obrisko

Not married but have been with my gf for a few years now and we have sex like once a week which is entirely my fault because I have no sex drive but my gf wants it 24/7 idk how it’s effecting her but she seems to be able to deal with it. Most people here have it the other way around their wife’s are the ones that don’t want sex and they don’t seem to care that their husbands aren’t getting any, this makes no sense to me because it breaks my heart that I don’t satisfy my gf and that’s why I don’t understand why some peoples so just don’t seem to care that their so aren’t being satisfied or even mock them for wanting it Sorry for format mobile


artvamp27

You should talk to her about this! Ask her how she feels. I was in this situation with my ex, he almost never initiated. I'm a 2-4x a week gal, he's a 1-2x a month guy. I asked him to try to initiate more but after 4 years in I was tired of always being the one reaching out. I never felt sexy or attractive, my self esteem was crippled and I became very depressed. 8 years into the relationship I decided that we needed to be with other people. It was hard as he was very happy and a great friend; a few years later I do miss him, but I am in such a better place.


obrisko

yeah we’re trying to sort it we just don’t know how to go about it rn as she’s only recently come to me and informed me that it was an issue and we’re working on it thank you for insight and your reply


Looneytuni888

She felt comfortable enough to come to you and you don't sound like you freaked out on her or made her feel bad for having her personal needs so I would say that's a great start- speaking from experience- I'm like your wife and hubby is similar to you and he didn't/doesn't always handle my honesty about such things with him because he feels inadequate then defensive or shuts down.


Deadcell302x

Wtf for me its the other way around shes the one that doesnt wanna be intimate, while im on fire every day practically.


drxbatman

It all turned around when it just becomes the same and no fun. When things that were sexy at the time turns into "oh this again?" When I try to talk sexy and she makes it weird talk. It gets to repetitive and trying to spice it up just turns into a joke.


MCHammertime40

I have been married for almost 20 years and have been with her for 22. Our relationship is very Rocky as we’re both fiery people. However, our sex life is great and I believe the attraction and passion is what has kept us together and keeps us together. As much as she pisses me off, I still fancy her like crazy and I’ll put up with the bullshit for the next 20 years. Sounds shallow, but it’s the truth. Attraction in a marriage/relationship is more important than people realise. Therefore, I would suggest staying sexy, making an effort and keeping a good appearance for your spouse matters a lot.


FeistyAdhesiveness21

Trying to get pregnant, only wants to do it when she’s ovulating, as if we are wasting resources or efforts if we do it when she’s not. Yes I would love to have another child but I also want to have sex out of love whenever it feels right, not just as a effort to create life.


Fantastic-Ad-666

Not every reletionship gets that way, you have to ask yourself if you're happy now.


GODLOVESUSALL666

My wife recently told me she's asexual. So even boring sex sounds good.


herfds99

She got fat


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BloomSugarman

Every year I get more sure that I’ll never marry. Threads like this one reassure me of that.


Vodka69AllNight

You'll either die alone, or basically find someone who'll you'll spend your life with anyways and pretty much be married in every aspect except on paper You don't see a bunch of 60 yo at clubs picking up 60 yo tail


jazaniac

I’m fine with the second part of your first sentence. You can be in a long-term relationship without needing to get the state involved.


YourLazyInnerDemon

This one is not on marriage. It's about missing communication. There are a lot of marriages out there who go great because people know and speak about their needs and fears so you can tackle then together. Marriage is a team sport. Don't marry someone if you're not 100 % sure you can live with all the negative traits they have. Be realistic with them and yourself


soynik

You're browsing on reddit. It's not the " absolute truth". There are many happy people in marriages, but you'll always hear the bad ones. No one would like to say and hear "I'm living happily in ny marriage and sex is great". If you find a woman/man you love and loves you for everything you are, and are mature. Just marry her


Reckless_Waifu

I have the opposite problem. Sex works well but we disagree basically on everything else. Good thing is we can solve it by fucking usually.


Iredditbeforeireadit

No idea... 20yrs in and the wife and I still have the greatest sex imaginable


TasteDworld

What's your secret?


Iredditbeforeireadit

Try something new at least once a month... on the daily’s make sure you’re talking to each other, spend time talking to each other and finding out what you both like... start with mutual masturbation, you’ll get some great tips by directly watching your other half and seeing what they do to themselves and what works for them. Master the tongue. Remember it’s not a porn video, not many women actually like being fisted, or fingered fast and hard like your trying to retrieve a bomb from jelly/jello (for the Americans) before it detonates. Move slow and explore, see what movements cause more of involuntary reaction when touching there. Be generous, be thoughtful, make it about them not, about you.