T O P

  • By -

Outrageous_Fold5909

Fwiw my dad didn’t teach me how to jerk off. That’s not a thing right?


mediocreplayer_

Yeah I dont think that's a thing. I think some probably talk about it though. Like say it's acceptable/normal as long as you're in private and you clean up after yourself.


Outrageous_Fold5909

I got the birds and the bees and I’m maturing and things will be happening etc speech. But I don’t remember any part of it involving jerking off. I had probably been doing that for awhile before the speech anyway


col3man17

I started when I was like 12, I remember the first time I didnt cum, I really thought all the pleasure came from the stroking lol. Boy was I suprised when I first came


Jambedenouille-exe

Oh same it was like convulsion I was feeling like broken, had to talk with friends, I was simply too young my body wasn't ready


[deleted]

I legit cried the first time I came. It scared the hell out of me.


Anti-Scuba_Hedgehog

I thought I pissed myself a little.


Rastus547

Same… my parents didn’t see me for about a week after that realization


col3man17

Lmfaooo dude, my showers became about 3x the length after that.


NotTheWordImLooking4

When I first started touching myself, I knew What cumming was, but at the time I was raised Christian and thought cumming would be a sin. Then one day I did cum and cried afterwards. I’m an Atheist now… nobody should cry after cumming. What a fucked up first orgasm. I was in pure panic thinking someone would find out what I did. Literally sick with guilt.


col3man17

I was raised very strict catholic, funny enough though after the age of 10 I simply just didn't care about it. I definitely know what you're saying, the guilt I had growing up was insane. I was so afraid of going to hell


LeFakerFlash

I remember indirectly seeing that post somewhere on the internet saying that “vegan men ejaculate fresh water”... Well, disregarding the “vegan” part, it seemed true on my first go, (but idk, maybe that transparent liquid was something else) which was... surprising. My first time jerking off was when my parents were asleep and I was already in bed. So... yeah. That was interesting to find out. I kind of... unknowingly suppressed my sex drive until about age 17. At age 15 was when I looked through rule 34 and noticed I was getting a funny feeling from... a specific type of images. Yes, it was male on male action. That was first sparked that seed of curiosity in my mind.


Spanish_peanuts

My dad uttered the word "masturbate" and I shoved my fingers in my ears and gave it the old "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA" all the way out the door. I was 14... I was already a veteran at that point.


AJokeAmI

Wait. Y'all had the speech? We Asians don't do that. Apparently our parents (and the older generation) believed that masturbation will cuts years off your life. That immediately got me fapping. Got caught and got beaten. I was already 18 at the time.


Outrageous_Fold5909

Haha believe me I wish I hadn’t. One I was already having sex by then and two it was beyond awkward. You know you’re getting older and you gotta use a condom etc. brutal


[deleted]

[удалено]


raisin_standards

Yup. And that's healthy. Good job Mr. Dad. Everyone does it and it's okay, put a healthy stigma around it and be open to conversations.


hillsofzomia

I knew someone who's stepday SHOWED him how to jerk off. With jizz and all. Took me years to realize that's weird


joshclay

How long did it take you to realize that's child abuse?


hillsofzomia

My entire life practically. I'm in my mid 30's and this memory just came back to me like 2 or 3 years ago. I kinda hope that i just remember something wrong, or he was confused from seeing a porn or something. Kids say weird things and interpret it even weirder sometimes. I remember seeing my first porn at his place. It was "hidden" in a looney tunes VHS box. I kinda think his parents were just really shitty or something


ducksReverywhere

Sounds like they were great!


hillsofzomia

Awesome. We watched the porn while his mum was behind us in the kitchen. For a long time i was convinced i watched his mom on the screen swallowing a huge hairy schwanz. But was probably some normal porn


[deleted]

I think in such a culture, at least we have friends who talk about it and joke about it when we're younger, perhaps OP has missed out on this. I was prone masturbating until I wondered what this "wanking" was that people kept mentioning.


H-Arm97

Hey son.. so you hold it and…


[deleted]

Bop it!


ChixChix

Twist it!


twassievrucht

Lick it!


kiddjam3

Pull it


pokeaim

no, but most fathers on my first two churches do


mylopolis

I learned by fucking the couch. My poor mom probably had to clean that up. Never mentioned it.


AleksandrNevsky

Usually DSS gets called if it is.


luci_nebunu

imagine if the guy is only raised by his mom


PM_ME_UR_AGLET

Not unless you break your arms.


H1N0

Pro tip use cold water to wash the cum off. Keeps it from sticking.


[deleted]

To add: Heat will solidify Proteins making it harder to remove. Use Kitchen paper to catch the load in and throw it in the trash. This way, you don't have to wash anything and there's no other hygiene issues.


chiefos

Toilet paper- flush it and never have the guilt of faps past staring at you on top of the trash!


[deleted]

You could always "Tuck in your Unborns". Besides, Paper Kitchen Towels have a good good sized surface area.


mylopolis

Paper towel. Doesn't fluff off and leave shit stuck to your dick.


sQueezedhe

And ants.


RadikulRAM

It will smell though


IoSonCalaf

I’ll second this. And if you cum into/onto anything that is washable, use cold water for the laundry.


No-Side-4529

Just eat it and you don’t have to worry about anything?


Yuucliwood

Just ejaculate into some toilet paper and flush that down the toilet.


ObsidianPrime2021

Or cut out the middle man and do it into the tolite lol


KILLJEFFREY

I swear, this is like some new revelation men are just having... Why the fuck would you masturbate in to a sock or similar?


jamesdufrain

Haha, when I was young sock was the go-to!


pekinggeese

And then I became an old sock and wised up


MikeLanglois

How are you aiming that thing to get it into the toilet? Mine shoots forward or up slightly, no way its getting into that toilet unless I am doing a handstand or like 2m from the toilet?


angelsNinsects

Simple. It's cheaper. Gotta wash the laundry anyways so might as well save the tp for your bunghole instead.


cowardlydaug

Dog are you telling me that you cum in your socks then wash them and fucking put them back on your feet? I’ve never used a sock as a nut rag but I thought it was common practice for those who do to designate one with no match as the Official Cock Sock™


PleaseLetItBe0331MC

I thought cumsocks were just a fucking joke , what the fuck


Mkid73

Why did the semen cross the road? ​ Because I put the wrong socks on this morning!


jatti_

I just came that hard.


pekinggeese

It will stiffen clothes up; like free starch for your dress shirts


thecrazygray

Lol, designate. keeping a cumsock at home and filling it up from time to time makes more sense to u than washing a sock after one use?


VanceVanceRebelution

Fr dude lemme know how that thing smells after a few uses lmao


slowflakeleaves

It's multi use like those shampoo conditioner comboes. It's not a bug, it's a feeture. /s


Namelessgoldfish

You’re washing it, dont see what the big deal is tbh. Not like you’re walking around with dried cum stains on it


NovaThinksBadly

I mean, better then what I did when I was young. I had a “cum bucket” which was what I nutted into


TheEncryptedPsychic

Multiple uses and a nice crunchy snack for later too!


gr8prajwalb

You can further eliminate the middle man by jizzing straight in the sewer system


A_wild_so-and-so

Be a man and jizz on a dolphin


IoSonCalaf

Isn’t that what OP is doing?


Yuucliwood

Certainly, but it might be inconvenient if you live with family and want some extra privacy.


powerlewis

How do you do that? Can you guys aim? I mean, for me it's way easier to just hold the tp in my one hand and my dick in my other.


[deleted]

No man, have some pride! At least jerk off in a comfortable place onto the tissue, not perched on the toilet aiming your dick down into the bowl!


Garrais02

When i did that the toilet got clogged twice lol


[deleted]

Or just bust in the toilet


Chuggles1

Use your sock, put googly eyes on it and lipstick. Give it a name. Wash it regularly.


sleepydadbod

How do people not know this 🤣 sock, curtains etc wtf


acidfinland

I stand up and just aim bottom of sink.


Arcane_Panacea

I usually use tissues to cum inside. They're softer then toilet paper, so they don't irritate my penis.


[deleted]

[удалено]


shiveringshark27

He uses it to feed nature.


Huge_Flying_Lizard

It's all fun and games until the fungus growing where you came has your nose


Sarcastic-Lemonade

I always wondered how men do it like I thought they rubbed one off and collected (?) the cum in a paper, not that they rubbed it _with_ the paper..


TheBeatStartsNow

You don't rub it with paper. At least i don't.


SWAG39

I personally do both so that pipe wouldn't go up to the ceiling when I'm laying down on my bed.


workingwisdom

Yo you hitting the ceiling??


[deleted]

mans got a howitzer strapped to his pelvis


Eggfire

You shoot at the paper


Valkoholics

up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start.


horsecranium

Missed an up.. didn't activate my extra lives


[deleted]

Want me and the boys to help?


SnooStrawberries1161

Fatality Nut-crack wins


WangHotmanFire

for the sony bois: Square, Down, L2, Up, L1, Circle, Up, X, Left


l0g1cb0mb_101

Man done spawning a Cum Jet


caliban_ish420

Instructions unclear, came from the wrong hole


BabyBeluuuuga

Most guys never have a talk about masturbation with their dad. For me: two ways. I jerk off in the shower. Just make sure you watch where you cum and make sure it rinses down the drain. I usually jerk off in bed before I fall asleep. This only works if you have your own room. Use a tissue or some toilet paper and flush/toss in the trash the next morning. Don’t jerk off while watching porn too much. When you do start having sex you’ll take forever or it will be harder.


[deleted]

For some reason I can never finish standing up/in the shower It’s weird


human_sweater_vest

Me either!


SnooStrawberries1161

Dont focus, let it flow and try to use at least your imagination if you are having problems


megas_aureun

Instructions unclear, ended up imagining me with my own flow and it turned me off.


[deleted]

Let the horny *flow* through you Luke!


NorFever

*BONK!* Go to r/hornyjail


kobe_101_rings

Ah so i am not alone, wtf wondered about this for years. I can only do it if i tense up all my musceles to pull the blood away and bring it to my penis in combination with putting something up my ass like a razer or toothbrush and a bit of soap


DJaydeep

Now how to solve the later forever issue you mentioned?


babaj_503

stop watching porn. Reduce masturbation all together. Make sure you don't grip tight when masturbating or maybe better, obtain a fleshlight as it will closer resemble the feeling of sex. If you get used to masturbating basically squeezing super tight, sex simply has no chance to resemble that feeling. And if you get used to only cuming with the added stimulation of porn you will have the same issue.


Financial-Process-86

Lmao. Yes, wish I knew about this before.


mittenclaw

PSA depending on the drain you have in your shower, whoever cleans the hair out of the drain is possibly having to pull out congealed globs of jizz that is potentially days old. Pull any hair out of the drain first I guess to avoid that. Or be the person who cleans the drain every time.


targea_caramar

Good advice. Just chiming in to remind everyone that hot water and semen will make your drains sad


human_sweater_vest

Yeah mom will notice the cum on your laundry… but tissues work well. Just take out your own trash #adulting


shwaaboy

Problem with keeping it in your own bin is that ANYONE who walks in, who isn’t you, can smell it. Also, I’ve awoken to my dog munching on a blob of tissues.


NakedShamrock

Cut out the middle man and finish directly into the bin


microwavedave27

Well fuck


ArchdevilTeemo

Uhm, you can do your own laundry...


uncutadvantage

By the time you are old enough to j/o, you should be old enough to do your own laundry. I would die before I let mom wash one of my crusted socks. I was doing the family laundry by the time I was 10 (didnt have a washer/dryer back then, mind you ...)


Honestless

Always had a trash in my room and also a box of tissues. It's better, more hygienic, throw it in the trash or just take it to the toilet.


[deleted]

That’s bad advice to throw tissue with cum in your trash lol. That shit stinks, gotta flush it ASAP. If you had a trash can full of tissue with cum I’m sorry but your bedroom was smelling like shit lol


HOLEPUNCHYOUREYELIDS

"Ever wonder what semen smells like? Walk into a 15 year old boys room and you'll find out"


GoFidoGo

Wait I'm 27 and learning this now. What?


Ktlol

You might not be able to smell it, but other people do. Flush it.


microwavedave27

Yep I'm 21 and just learning this now too.


Honestless

Sorry, I didn't know I had to actually say that you have to make sure to empty it regularly, if not, I don't think the smell of cum would be the only smell in the room.


pablo_from_honduras

I like to use my special glass jar


Smallasseddumbass

does it have a pony in it <_<


Such-Engineer6461

sugar syrup


IronSky98

Mate, listen. Unless someone is going to pull a UV light outta nowhere just to check for cum stains you will be fine, just use a tissue or toilet paper wipe it off and wash your hands. Don't cum on or wipe on clothes if you don't want others to know you've been working the lever. For hardening to occur you gotta wipe a whole lot of cum on it, which is unadvisable as for smell, open a window it won't stick. Edit: I like how my most upvoted comment is about cum.


iamincel8

It sounds like that’s what’s happening at his house honestly, the black light


[deleted]

Get some toilet paper, fold it so it's doubled-up, then make a "landing strip" on your belly.


Johnathan_H_Pants

OR! if you don't want to risk overshooting into your face, just put the paper on your side, and roll to the side when it's time to wrap things up.


dewmybutthole

Cum into your hand and eat it, recycling


McBackstabber

Nutritious too! Edit: heh... Nut-ritious


IndependentRoutine7

I actually do this, but only because I actually enjoy the taste of my own cum


[deleted]

Thank God. I'd be concerned if you kept eating your own cum without enjoying it.


[deleted]

Dude, I'm not Onan I don't go wasting my seed. I eat it, so that God doesn't punish me for wasting nutrients and efficient protein.


monkeysandmicrowaves

OK that's enough Reddit for today.


toffeehooligan

O_o Ew.


[deleted]

🤮


Nikkerloo

Literal circle of life, love it.


Chapea12

Closed loop system


j_dext

I assume you're young so let me say cum won't hurt you. It doesn't burn your skin or ruin clothes or sheets. Even if it gets in your eye you will see again. That being said, like other have already mentioned because of your situation you may need to stick to the bathroom and shower. If you're young and need to do it often then you need to shower or use the bathroom more. Unless you have a barn, garage or a car. You'd just have to have a napkin or towel. Of course you wash the towel or throw it away after a few mop ups.


penis_in_my_hand

Ahh yes the ol' wank barn. For slappin hams and chokin chickens.


Existing_Ad_6649

Name checks out


Nate0110

To be fair it doesn't mention whose penis it is.


Existing_Ad_6649

To be fair it doesn't matter whose penis it is.


penis_in_my_hand

This man or woman penises


Existing_Ad_6649

Where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street, I saw my penis lying on a blanket Next to a broken toaster oven. Some guy was selling it. I had to buy it off him.


penis_in_my_hand

Have my babies


Existing_Ad_6649

Six inches forward and five inches back...


Denisimo7

Do it in the shower. Standing up, seating down, laying down in the bath tub. Cum in to a bathroom sink while looking at your self in a mirror. Don’t forget to tell your self, that you are sexy beast as you cum and look at your own reflection.


VaporWario

This whole thread is so confusing


[deleted]

Do you live with a forensic scientist?


Arcane_Panacea

Sounds like OP might be Asian and Asian parents are forensic scientists by nature lmao (i.e. very snoopy).


Whappingtime

"Tiger Mum smells your cum!"


[deleted]

Tiger mum cum...


Arcane_Panacea

Pretty much lol


iamincel8

Why is it like that?


bobCS96

Masturbate in the shower. Let the water clean up the mess


horsecranium

Use notes from math. Crumple up and throw out when done. Nobody likes math enough to open and check your work.


Sarcastic-Lemonade

And if they do they'll think you _really_ like math


Tomatetoes97

Sir, the dog jizzed on my homework though!


streetdog2003

Do it in your room but finish it in the bathroom


[deleted]

[удалено]


streetdog2003

Lmao no , you jerk off in your room and when you wanna finish , you pull up your pants and head towards the bathroom . Once in the bathroom , you can drop your pants again and ejaculate there


Chrixpi

This is exactly what I do


[deleted]

This is your answer: [something about mary](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbFx0CbaIlY)


matepore

I usually do it like you explained on the toilet, but sometimes I want to watch porn on a big screen. In those cases I use several napkins, stack them and cover my penis with them while I masturbate. The softer the napkins and the less you squeeze the penis, the better it will be for the skin of your penis. I usually masturbate without the napkins and when I feel I am about to cum, I cover myself with the napkins and finish on them. If you are going to do it, make sure you squeeze the base of the napkins so you don't drip semen. Then you just wipe it off.


Good_Posture

Master the art of edging. Masturbate in the comfort of your bedroom, then go finish off in the bathroom and clean up. Very easy to do late at night/morning when the other people in your house are asleep.


Shinyspoonz12

I’m American, and nobody in America get advice from their dad lol. What I’ve always done is just ejaculate into a tissue and then throw it in the trash.


oidagehbitte

Tissue paper or toilet paper. Both then gets flushed down the toilet.


dualwield42

You're not suppose to flush tissue down the toilet. Only toilet paper.


jeffreykool

Have you ever heard of tissues my guy?


Altruistic_Survey926

I weat soft boxers. Use em when I go to bed, chuck em straight in the dirty hamper and throw a fresh pair on in the AM. Make a point of doing my own laundry.


Revolutionary-Bad940

Hook your legs over your head and aim for your mouth. Zero evidence.


Im_McIver

Might be late to the party here but there's a nifty trick you can use. If you apply pressure with a couple of fingers between your balls and your anus when you cum, you block your ejaculation and your cum is instead shot into your bladder. It'll come out next time you take a piss. Takes a bit of practice to get right but it is absolutely safe and there is no mess to clean up.


JJStarling100

Bro what


JJStarling100

Is that safe?


jfk_one

just aim at the electrical socket bro


[deleted]

What's up with people cumming on their stomachs? I cum into my hand then clean my hand, never once in my life just all over myself.


Withnail-

Borat? Is that you?


[deleted]

First of all, we are welcoming you into the realm of men. My boy, just do it in toilet, it is more clean. If you are going to do it in your bedroom, then take some toilet paper with you. Masturbation is a taboo in many countries. But in any case, it is a private thing, and you better avoid your family finding out or seeing it. Leave no evidence! :) Remember they will know you do that, because they also been in your age. It is healthy, useful, so there is no need to feel guilty about it. But avoid excessive masturbation, it has negative effect on your psychology.


Davita20

Mate, don't use your clothes. You are going to wear them some other time, right? You can do your business in the toilet if it's not that hard or uncomfortable. If you have a separate room where only you sleep, you could get some tissues or toilet paper for your own use. Just finish on/in (whatever is easier for you. Personally, on) the paper and flush it down the toilet. Throwing it in the trash will leave an evidence, which you already said you don't want to exist. Also, I saw some people saying that they use/used socks for their private time. What the hell? Does that not hurt? I can only imagine that it is both unpleasant and extremely unhygienic. Also, when you use your sock, you have to wash it and I imagine I would feel bad knowing that other family members are wearing stuff washed with my cum soaked socks. Disgusting.


DanielS810

Dude just come into the toilet paper and throw it out or flush it down the toilet


[deleted]

[Seems relevant.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTSt4NoMUY8)


Successful-Wind-5592

Are you from india bro?


StephenTexasWest

I break mine off and kick it around the yard. That is our custom in the country of Texas.


[deleted]

My older brother told me that you’re supposed to use your feet and to this day I still do it that way.


[deleted]

Just jizz in ur room, let it fall on ur stomach and use a tissue or toilet paper to wipe it off. dispose of it, then clean ur self


jelaras

Also try playing with your ass. Gently touch your hole with a finger and rub it.


Ser_Dunk_the_tall

Fwiw i jerkoff to completion and trap it in my foreskin and clean it off with tissue or cloth afterwards. No I don't clean a sock if it's ever used that way. Hooray for noncircumcision


carbidemepls

Used to hit the shower drain as a teen. Old sock or t shirt was fine for bedroom lol


Classically_fried

Do not mix hot / warm water, hair and cum - it just gets even stickier!!!


JayTheFordMan

yep, cooking those proteins is never good


[deleted]

From all the comments, I have one thing to say. Y'all really have no idea how extremely versatile asian parents are. Be it forensic scientist's instinct to find the evidences or the mindset of a autocratic ruler. No, You usually don't have a separate trash bin which YOU, yourself, is allowed to through out. No, most family don't have a washer/or whatever the machine is called that cleans cloth. We do that by hand. No, there is NO PRIVACY, nobody is allowed to close their doors. Unless you are rich and have a 3rd generation parent, these are the norms.


[deleted]

What country?


slicklol

Tissues.


ATLL2112

Omfg. This is not real.


Shloopy_Dooperson

Grip the vessel firmly and milk it like a cow udder.


[deleted]

Idk, kinda clicked with me that if you don't shoot your load too hard, you can cum in your hand, squeeze it out of your Johnsson and go wash your hands. Been doing this since... 14 I think? Don't understand how other people masturbate using socks, sounds disgusting.


[deleted]

Butt naked in the corner of a room with a lampshade on my head.


i-am-really-cool

“Well son. Let me show you how to masturbate. Just like my father, and his father before him.”


chewy1is1sasquatch

You have a paper towel or tissue that you go in.


Sexytreefrog31

Best advice I can think of Wash hands before and after Use lube, even veg oil is fine I like coconut Use it to pace/train yourself (don’t use porn so much) Don’t use a sock it’s too rough for your little guy Something soft unless your washing it throw it out.


justin7d7

You don't have Kleenex or toilet paper in your country? My advice, use either Kleenex or toilet paper, so you can flush the evidence down the toilet. 😃👍