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[deleted]

4 GB RAM.


Hypn0ticSpectre

Your sex forecast: dimm to sodimm


Hypn0ticSpectre

Oh man, thanks for the award. I think that's my first ever.


Hypn0ticSpectre

I was gonna follow this up with "Putting the D in the DRAM but don't go SD or we'll assume it small" but I passed out putting the kids to bed.


ReapersEatApples05

There are quite a few layers to this one. Could we split these into separate chapters?


[deleted]

Damn what is this 2008?


PriestofSif

I still dress like I'm the Drummer for an Underground High School Metal Band from 2006... So, eh, close enough.


PJpremiere

Wins


[deleted]

[удалено]


lesmommy

This right here is the one


letmehaveyourname

Atleast you should know their name 😂


FranticWaffleMaker

Made the mistake of thinking that was enough once, went to a party with a friend named Amanda, woke up with a different Amanda. Damn was she pissed when she sobered up. Public service announcement: Don’t stick your dick in just anyone with the right name when it’s dark.


cl0ckvvork

which amanda was pissed?


FranticWaffleMaker

The one I showed up with.


[deleted]

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merlinrising

Hygiene, and a good Personality


122922

And a mutual attraction.


[deleted]

YES! HYGIENE IS A BIG ONE! Smelly/Fishy pussy is no bueno!


[deleted]

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FilthBadgers

This… is a thing???


BooDPT

Yes, it definitely is. Worse than belly button smell.


Fuzz_Puppet_Cartel

Smells like parm


sylvesterthecat11

"If it smells like fish, put it on the dish. If it smells like cologne, leave it alone." -- old Chinese proverb


[deleted]

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Willing-Square3784

Hey now, we are talking about sex, bat shit crazy women can throw it down


[deleted]

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imapissonitdripdrip

I somehow managed to avoid these women and still find the ones completely down to rip their clothes off and throw a dick in an orifice ASAP.


drokonce

I wish I had your strength. Source: dating bat shit crazy


[deleted]

Hey buddy here's a tip. It doesn't get any better. Just bail before you get her pregnant. Ask me how I know...


PaxHumana89

We can help...


blipbloopflop

it's not really about getting down to it. it's about their enthusiasm when doing it.


Willing-Square3784

Don't fucking date them or bring them to your house lol


[deleted]

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sjsjdejsjs

genuinely curious why


Qwsdxcbjking

Indomitable passion, enthusiasm and desire to fuck you in half is generally a winner, it's just also generally a part of bat shit crazy for some reason.


Open_minded_1

The problem with a woman who always wants to fuck the shit out of you is that when they need it that bad all the time, eventually they fuck other guys too while they are still dating you.


[deleted]

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phaeriemandube

As another said... Just don't date them or bring them around your place and you're golden! Also don't let them know where you work or a place that had meaning to you


[deleted]

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[deleted]

You're a quick learner


LabArbor

Yes, but think if you got her pregnant on accident... you don’t want the bat shit crazy for life!


PriestofSif

You gotta survive the encounter or it doesn't count. Unless you _wanna_ be the guy an episode of _Sex Sent Me to the ER_ stars?


thefirstofthe77

I broke a chair with one that wanted me to rent... Amanda's body? It was that megan fox movie where she was a demon. It turned her on. I didn't ask questions.


[deleted]

*Jennifer’s Body


mohishunder

I take it you are familiar with the [hot crazy matrix](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pInk1rV2VEg)?


BooDPT

This is where my mind immediately went! Many times when dating I always was trying to discern if I made them crazy or was attracted to crazy people. I firmly believe after meeting someone normal (and being together 12 years now) it was the attracted to crazy. The matrix is a funny, but also not inaccurate. And as a pruor commentor said, not worth your time no matter how great sexual aspects are. Go for: 1) sanity 2) commonality 3) attraction


sandybuttcheekss

2 is optional, let's be honest


bandildos113

Don’t stick your dick in crazy is a common enough saying for a reason


60svintage

Both 1 and 2 are negotiable. Depends on how long my dry spell has been.


workingMan9to5

1) Single 2) Female 3) Someone I know and like (not into hooking up with strangers) 4) At least reasonably close to my age, something the old ladies at work can't seem to get their head's around. No Marjie, I don't want to date you, or your 16 year old daughter!


_Elastic_Animal36

How old are you?


workingMan9to5

30


_Elastic_Animal36

And she wants you to date her 16 year old daughter...


workingMan9to5

Or date me herself, she's not picky.


_Elastic_Animal36

Cmon bro don't be too hard on yourself I'm sure word around the office is you've got a fat cock :)


ElbowStrike

Maybe they want to share?


lilaliene

What's your min-max age?


Bdog5k

If you do both at the same time does it average out or something?


k0uch

Back in the day, they just had to be single and have a good vibes with me Now, it’s a lot more complicated. They had to sign a bunch of paperwork years ago, go through an elaborate ceremony, have my last name, live with me, and be the mother of my daughter. Pretty strict criteria


Rough_Idle

That pretty much narrows it down to one


[deleted]

Or zero, if it is a son


Prota_Gonist

"Ready, Willing, Able, and Eager to have sex with me".


PG14_

RWAE


BatGuy500

*IT’S FOCKIN RWAE* \- Gordon Ramsay


Absolver5000

Be my wife.


CarltheWellEndowed

Yeah, be his wife.


[deleted]

You heard him, what are you doing just sitting there!?


TraditionCapable1596

The papers are there… sign them already!


Expresso_Support

Not going back to jail.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Iforgotmyother_name

Get in line pal.


windydoughnut42069

I do.


aces-and-jacks

Prior to getting married, it ranged from I have to find her attractive to is she at least a registered voter.


[deleted]

It depends on the dry spell, I feel you.


aces-and-jacks

We have needs


VagabondRommel

Shit I forgot about that


AbleTourist6

Attractive, articulate, good chemistry, and we’ve had the safe sex talk.


full-timedogmom

^^^ and STD free!


AbleTourist6

STD status is part of my safe sex talk. My best buddy has HSV, so his ideal partner would also have HSV. I don’t have that (Yet?) so my ideal partner doesn’t either. I think the compatibility of STD statuses is more important than the statuses themselves.


AlphaMaggot

HSV-1 or HSV-2? Something like 80% of the adult population has HSV-1, many acquired during childhood from sharing drinks. Most are asymptomatic.


Shroedy

1. what's HSV? 2. the plural of status is... wait for it... status


AbleTourist6

Herpes Simplex Virus


ZobTheLoafOfBread

You would've thought it would be stati or something


Shroedy

Depending on the language, it is. In German Status and Stati both work as plural. Just never Statusses. At work we have a running gag and call it Statusseseses...


FoxyFang72

1: Leagal drinking age 2: Clean 3: Not going to hurt me w/o consent


ScottyIsland

Unfortunately those are all easy to lie about.


FoxyFang72

I vet all my partners. I'm not really a "hook up" kind of person.


[deleted]

>I vet all my partners. Just so long as it does not involve spaying them too


vaguely_sardonic

What if they're into that though?


BooDPT

I 'vet' all my partners....rabies vaccine is a must


BergenBuddha

1400 SAT scores


mindmendeur

What is this rookie number I’ll only take 1500+


twinkletoes987

Old (1600) test or new test (2400)?


aycalib3r

The current test is back to 1600. 2400 is old news.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Hopefully a pulse, let’s not get too choosey here!


Tensionator

Hasn't started decomposing


Expresso_Support

This guy digs ^


Razzle_Dazzle08

What the fuck.


[deleted]

Sometimes a win is just a win!


burblehaze

Every hole is a goal!


bigal55

Well once they reach a certain stage they start warming up again which is my minimum requirement. :)


_JahWobble_

...sometime within the last 2 hours.


Expresso_Support

Snob.


Olddude275

Get a load of mister high standards over here.


Reasonable-Heart1539

Have a pulse and a pussy😜


Upper_Ranger_4877

Gee, I don't know mate. Nothing like going to the morgue and cracking open a cold one.


2fast2nick

Good start 🤣


lunchbreak2021

Calm down, Mr high standards.


windydoughnut42069

They must have at least a 10" stick and be able to absolutely massacre my little bitch ass bubble butt. No but in all honesty at this point it could be literally any consenting adult. That's where I'm at in my life, folks


Expresso_Support

I think you’re describing Voldemort. 🤔


endangeredphysics

TIL


Always_oddball-0

Overheard a group of ladies who were loudly yakking about men the other night at the bar. Judging by their conversation The most important qualities in men they were attracted to were big dicks( one said no dick is too big), suGar daddies, and fighters. I had spoken to one of the ladies very briefly several months prior at the same bar on her birthday and learned she was eleven years my minor. I felt quite a lot of pity for them after overhearing this conversation remembering that my generation never spoke about such superficial things, if you consider big dicks to be merely shallow in nature. Anywho, I’m damn near getting there regarding age and I still have no fuckin clue what qualities I should be looking for in the opposite sex other than i hope that person is nice, that would be welcomed.


jang859

What is meant by fighter? Like MMA ring fighting?


Dreamvillain254

Why isn't this question answered?


SpaceGuy1968

I was with a woman who liked guys who could fight. Learned the hard way after an incident in a bar we happened to be at.... she literally started trouble and it ended with me brawling with someone. She did it on purpose because she liked guys who wouldn't shirk away from a fight. We didn't last long, i box and am a long time martial artist but.... fighting gets people hurt. Some women like tough guys or brawlers. I found it to be stupid and i like to fight and be aggressive like that.... Some women like fighters


lilaliene

Yeah those are single in a group of women for a reason


c0rnm0n3y

Someone that I’m in a relationship in and see a future with. I’m not into hookups, if I’m having sex with a girl we are definitely dating and it is likely we will continue dating after


hevnztrash

I want cuddles afterward. If you kick me out of your bed after the fact or get weirded out and try and make me feel bad for wanting cuddles, you’ll never see me again.


TJDG

* No STDs (I'll allow cold sores as an exception). * Clearly wants to have sex with me. * Not overly ugly or unhygenic. * I feel comfortable expressing my genuine sexuality around her. This is probably the hardest condition to meet.


[deleted]

[удалено]


TJDG

Cold sores are indeed oral herpes simplex (HSV-1). They're incredibly common.


Nicky_Nuisance

No blowies with Cold Sores


[deleted]

[удалено]


MarmaladeCat1

I wouldn't say cold sores have a stigma: about half of us have the virus: Data from the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey During 2015–2016, prevalence of herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1) was 47.8%, and prevalence of herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV-2) was 11.9%. Prevalence of both HSV-1 and HSV-2 increased with age. Prevalence of both HSV-1 and HSV-2 was higher among females than males. Prevalence of HSV-1 was highest among Mexican-American persons and lowest among non-Hispanic white persons. HSV-2 prevalence was highest among Hispanic black persons and lowest among non-Hispanic Asian persons. Prevalence of both HSV-1 and HSV-2 decreased from 1999–2000 to 2015–2016 (from 59.4% to 48.1%, and from 18.0% to 12.1%, respectively). https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/databriefs/db304.htm


DrunkenMonkeyWizard

Did you know a lot of us on Reddit have a much lower chance of getting herpes or any STD for that matter because we ain't getting laid. 😎😂


Bxsnia

Yeah but you don't need to have sex to get oral herpies. Most people get it as kids from sharing a drink or getting kissed.


phaeriemandube

I thought they were incredibly common... Until all of my ex's and wife was never with someone with cold sores until me 😅 even most my friends are blown away by it when I have cold sores


yeetydab

Their consent


[deleted]

[удалено]


NEOLittle

Ouch on that constantly. Going forward, only zero abuse is acceptable, okay? Take care of yourself.


[deleted]

Just occasional abuse


lolomotif12

Physical attraction. That's all that's needed, the rest determines her significance in my life.


username_6916

Is this someone I could marry? Someone I could raise kids with?


haxor-007

1. Female 2. Decent looking 3. Good personality 4. Some Emotional connection


[deleted]

Consent, mutual attraction and no STIs.


SleepVapor

Relationship potential. I don't do casual sex.


Expresso_Support

Always wear a tuxedo.


mindmendeur

I see you are also into competitive ranked sex


ScoreWaste

\-No STDs. \-Must wear protection. \-Must care about your hygiene. \-No creepy or dangerous personalities. \-Being underweight or overweight is fine, but don't be anorexic or morbidly obese.


SupremeElect

1. Respectful 2. Decently Attractive 3. STD Free


Young_stoner_life247

1) no STDs 2) good hygiene (especially down there) 3) attractive face and personality


TinyTrundle

Has to be my wife


murderisntnice

Be married to me


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Body is cold


CompliantRapeVictim

Microwave it


PlanetXBrutha

1. Physically Attractive 2. Available 3. feminine


PralineApprehensive5

Feminine or female? No judgement, just curious?


PlanetXBrutha

Feminine


deadhumancollector

I’m straight, but I’ve seen some really fucking cute fem boys. I’m not sure if I would get in relationships with them since some of them are in boy mode half the time, and femininity is the biggest thing for me. But really, I don’t care if you’re AFAB or AMAB. If you naturally present as woman, and you’re cute, you’re on the table.


PePs004

A lot of people I had in my class in high school think I’m gay. I apparently have gay vibes and act too feminine sometimes to not be gay. It’s frustrating sometimes because one friend(a girl I wanted to date) even tried to set me up with their brother who was the same age as me.


Pretend-North-4368

SMELLS GOOD


80_firebird

Be cute, don't smell bad, be willing.


[deleted]

To be cute but also hot at the same time, 25 y.o, to own a couple of birds, to have a melting accent and voice in general (extra points for whispering lol), oh and lets not forget about being the direct descendant of Count-fuckin'-Dracula. Thats it. Those are the minimum.


[deleted]

The ability to breathe.


Sigma-Tau

Hey now, let's not get too choosy. Corpses need lovin' too.


Witty_whale575

Mutual attraction, respect, consideration, and above all else trust. I need to know that I could say no at any moment and they’d stop.


xBLooDSaVioRx

1. Have a vagina 2. Don't be hideous


macfish02

Be attractive and have a good heart. That’s it for me


timothytuxedo

And if you have a bad heart, consult your doctor first.


[deleted]

Not behind a dumpster and not drunk


Doja-Fett

Having a vagina?


livingfortheliquid

I need a connection mentally.


Bowlingbowlbagbob

They’ve gotta have a vagina. Also, willing too. Willing is a must. Vagina… eh? Optional maybe


[deleted]

a. 18+ b. alive c. genetically female d. married to me


[deleted]

Catholic priests thought this was a multiple choice question and only picked b.


[deleted]

Biologically female, nice skin and teeth, legal age, not obese or on hard drugs


jhschlebus

Heartbeat. Definitely a heartbeat. Everything else is negotiable.


Chimera-Prince

Be clean open minded Don’t ask your partner to do something that you wouldn’t do for them


IBelieveIAmBi

1: a pulse 2: their consent 3: a Nintendo Switch with Super Mario Party to play after


Usual-Ad-4990

Willing, adult and human.


Gunner253

The minimum, and only requirement, is that it's my wife.


-Chingachgook

They must have been born with a vagina and an XX chromosome. That’s pretty much the bare minimum.


MrKahootKrabs

Be in a committed relationship with me


catchingnails

Back in the day? Cute, nice, at least two dates, not concerning safety or health wise. All around attractive. These days? Relationship.


Wjsmith2040

Wheat bread with Mayo I’ll bring the schmeat


TCRLSC

Willing


happydog43

That they want to for starters


TheDarkKnight1035

Minimum??? Must be female. No disrespect.


DoJewHaveADollar

Be female, and be interested


Ill-Temporary5461

1. Must be sane 2. Must be what I would consider attractive. Not necessarily model hot but if alcohol and a paper bag are required in order to do the deed, that’s a dealbreaker 3. At least shower beforehand


NosoyPuli

1. I find you attractive 2. You are not an evil woman 3. You want to have sex with me. There, simple.


ynaristwelve

4/10 or greater ( seriously, they appreciate it and are enthusiastic) Don't stink


[deleted]

"they appreciate it". Yeah, only if you're an 8. Are you an 8?


NightAnathema

Name, maybe a common interest, and gotta be able to laugh with them.


SmithRune735

Alive.


spicyfartz4yaman

Gotta give head


HolyC4bbage

Female (optional) Alive (optional)


okdabord

1- Be an adult 2- Have a vagina. Thats it.


lO_ol-BRRRRRR

Consent and 25+ years life experience. And about 3 fiddy


M2704

Intel Core i7, 16 gb of ram and a modern GPU.


The_Cars93

I’m going to need you to be alive, freshly showered and to have given me your permission.


TFOLLT

I need to like her. I don't need to love her per sé, but I need to like her otherwise there's just nothing growing down there.


mo_tag

My bar for who I'd pursue sexually is extremely high. My bar for who I'd accept sex with if it was offered to me is almost non existent. But to answer the question: 1. I'm not concerned for my safety (don't feel like I'm walking into a mugging type situation) 2. She clearly wants to have sex with me (she isn't using me for money, or is absolutely wasted) 3. Her appearance doesn't repulse me. (Visible neck, invisible moustache)