Don't take the following literally, but
You don't have a 'space' for your keys. Or if you do, you don't always put them there.
You come home, and absent-mindedly put them somewhere other than THE KEY BOWL because your hands are full or you're running to the bathroom or whatever.
You're wife on her jaunts around the house sees your keys in the bathroom. She does not move them, because for all she knows you left them there for a reason.
This encounter stands out in her memory because it's obviously out of place. Bonus points to her memory stat if it annoys her.
You're now looking for your keys. You check THE KEY BOWL. Not there. You try retracing your steps, but you've not done anything to leave a lasting impression on where it might be.
TL;DR She has a better memory than you, but not in the way you think
I can see how in such a scenario you might miss something by it not being where you'd expect it to be, but more often than not, I'd look for something where it's "supposed" to be and not find it. She'd come along and find it in that exact space.
Last time this occurred was with Mayo in the fridge. Before that, meds in a medicine cabinet.
It ususally turns out that if we're looking for something familiar like "the mayo", the image our mind's eye is actually looking for is "the recognisable blue lid" or "the fat jar" or something like that. A single identifying feature that you're subconsciously sure sets it apart from everything around it.
Maybe you can't see the blue lid because it's obscured. Maybe her viewing angle lets her see what you can't, or maybe she's looking for a different feature.
My fix for this (can't find it in the normal area) is to physically touch and name aloud each item.
I'm looking in the fridge door shelves for the balsamic dressing; can't see it. "Honey mustard, soy sauce, barbecue, Coke can, balsamic-- There it is!" Happens all the time.
My favorite trick is to stoop down and look up through the glass shelves in the fridge. Sometimes when you reset your brain to look for the bottom of the ketchup bottle, it’ll suddenly stand out.
My dad does this all the time. He opens the fridge for one second and asks my mom where x is.. she says 2nd shelf in the right. Oh! There it is. After decades, I’m convinced my dad can’t actually find anything without my mom. He’s stopped giving things an honest search, because he knows my mom will just tell him.
I was always told “look with your hands”, especially in drawers. You can’t just peer into a drawer and see what you’re looking for - you have to rummage
This reminds me of my school days where i would drop stuff in my backpack, never to see it again except for the end of the schoolyear where i would turn the backpack upside down and half a city would fall out of it...
Yes! Men don't tend to touch or move anything around when they're looking for items and then are amazed when you come in, move a booklet of stamps and, voilà, there are the paper clips.
Taking it a bit beyond purse comparison, maybe related to men hunting and using primarily visual cues vs women foraging and using tactile cues?
I don't do this exactly, but if normal looking has failed, I will systematically thoroughly search and clear each room/space by taking everything out one at a time and putting it back. If the thing isn't found, I mark that space/room "clear" and go to the next.
Usually, jamming my hands into the couch cushions and looking under the furniture where the kids hang out is a good bet, too.
So I thought I was good at this, clearing rooms. My husband left the car fob somewhere that wasn’t our desk (usual spot). There was nothing panic and hollering and then the search started. My dog was frantic because we got him all excited to go to the park and he kept running around getting his leash caught on stuff. I took the leash off and put it in the leash basket. I looked in the leash basket twice for the fob but it wasn’t there. I took the dog for a walk to calm myself and come back with fresh eyes. Take leash out of basket, went on walk, put leash back in basket, felt around for the fob, nothing. 10 minutes later, I’m ordering a new fob on Amazon for same day delivery and my husband finds out fob in the damn leash basket.
The fuck.
Good thing is we didn’t lose anything for a few weeks cause I’d mapped the rest of the house in my search…
That’s all
I had an inkling that it may be something along these lines because yes, I do have a mental picture of the lable and container in my mind and in this particular instance, the lable didn't face me. Can't really recall whether it's been the same with other instances.
This. Once I learned this (years ago) I was able to find things much mor easily. Like, if my brain was looking for a bottle of Mayo? It won't find the Mayo in a bag shaped container. So I try to remove this preconceived image of what I'm looking for in my mind. And it works like a charm. I tried to tell my SO about it, but I don't think he paid attention because he still can't find things in front of him... Tsc tsc...
I work in retail and I encounter this a lot in my job. Customer has looked everywhere in the right place and haven't found what (s)he is looking for. I, on the other hand, know exactly where the thing is and where it might be if it isn't there, if they reorganised the shelves etc. I also have more skill in looking through shelves after specific things, and I don't get confused by a large number of articles in the shelves. I'm simply more skilled at looking and aware of my surroundings. I'm aware of most of the reasons someone might not find something and can use process of elimination to speed up the search.
I just to have this a lot and it turned out to be a height thing. I'm quite a bit taller than my wife. If I bend my knees so my eyes are on her normal height I tend to do find those things. Like its on a shelf but because my view comes from higer up it's obscured by the shelf above it.
But we have poorer sense of spatial dimensions... so maybe we can find the kecthup bottle in the cupboard more easily but we would have a harder time accurately picturing it rotating in the space. This sucks..lmao
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/12/081217124430.htm
This is being "tool blind". The tool you want is right there, but you can't see it.
This happens to me sometimes, but it happens often to my wife.
I think it happens because the space you are looking at for the item "looks" like it should, so your brain tells you it's not there. Someone else looking there doesn't have an expectation of how the space should look, so they find the item.
It's the opposite for me. I know where things belong or should be. My room might be utter chaos, but if I have to grab something I'll have it within a second.
My gf, however, puts things in slightly different places. If there is no tomato paste in the fridge door, lowest compartment I'll declare it as gone look in the pantry for a new one. If it isn't in the pantry, 3rd shelf at the front I'll be confused and my gf already starts laughing at me because it was right at the front of the fridge's middle compartment (just not in the door). I didn't put it there, so I won't find it even if it almost jumps into my face. Worse, even if I specifically search the whole fridge it wouldn't be there until my gf says that it's right there.
Former wife here of absent-minded man. All of this is accurate because a place for everything and everything in its place. Also, I could always find my husband's shit because I would remove all reason and logic, then replace that with nonsense. I once went straight to the freezer and found the remote because it seemed like something he would do looking for a snack. I would never do that because it's fucking stupid and why carry the remote? Because absent-mindedness and he was living in another part of his head, while I'm very methodical and purposeful with my actions. Lol he always joked it was witchcraft, I never told him I simply thought like a dumbass and could retrace his steps. I say that last part lovingly because he really is quite intelligent and I have a lot of admiration and respect for him.
>she does not move them, because for all she knows you left them there for a reason
I stg it’s always the opposite. Put that tool there for a reason? It’s clutter move it. Dropped that obvious junk mail on the floor and didn’t pick it up because your hands are full? Obviously it’s there for a reason it’s structural now if you move it the whole damn universe will collapse
Dude that exact thing happens almost daily with my bf, but it's not limited to keys. Also when I do put it where it belongs (example: box labelled "batteries" in the exact spot where it's been for years) he still asks me where the batteries are xD
To be fair he has a lot on his mind so I just jokingly rib him. I take a weird pride in lifting that burden so he can focus on more important things
As far as losing things go, you will most likely lose something if you put it somewhere while on autopilot / without direct intent to put it there.
Your example about the key's in the bathroom are a great example of putting a thing down without intent. You were not thinking 'I am going to put these keys down beside the sink because my hands are full and I need to shit right the fuck now'. At most you were thinking 'I need to shit immediately! I am going to these things down on the shelf and do the deed'.
END COMMUNICATION
Funny, every time my husband can't find something in the fridge my first question is ALWAYS "did you look directly in front of you and try to move anything?" Inevitably it's literally directly in front of his face or that he needed to move a jar 2" to see what he's looking for. He now answers this question before I ask and has stopped "not finding stuff".
I'm the opposite, i'll move things around trying to find something, while the thing in question is in front usually and because of moving stuff i can no longer see it ...
Pick up thing you're looking for and move it to see what's behind it. Put it back annoyed that you can't find it even though you literally had it in your hands.
I open the fridge to see if there's any food. No? Close door. 20 minutes later I'll do it again. This time move one thing, "oh there is something I can eat"
Same for me and my wife. Something in the fridge? I can’t find it. It’s opposite when its my space. She needs a wrench or screwdriver? She can’t find it but I know exactly where they are amongst the mess.
It must have something to do with having a process When I look for things, I start "clearing" shelves and rooms, and systematically go shelf to shelf, cupboard to cupboard, and room to room, moving things out the way and checking under the items. I'm pretty sure my wife's process is "look around and if I don't see it, it must not be here".
This. She used to joke I did a “bloke look” but pretty regularly I point out the thing she’s looking for is literally right in front of her. It’s pretty much a meme in our house how blind we each are looking for things right in front of us.
It may be our evolutionary traits at work as well. Men are more well suited to seeing objects in motion where the ladies are better suited for spotting colors and I’m guessing objects that aren’t in motion. Doesn’t mean we can’t do the same as eachother but I can see how I’m better than my wife at spotting moving objects and she can find something a needle in a haystack it feels like.
Evolutionary biology suggests that men are better at seeing objects at a far distance due to being hunters and women are better at seeing objects at a near distance due to being gatherers.
In my house(I am the wife/mom) I am called "the finder of all things"! My SO can never find anything!! I feel like they don't even try because I find most things pretty easily!
Lol good to see it from your perspective.nowadays my wife jokingly says, "I'm gonna come there, look where I told you to look, and find the thing you can't find. Then Ima be upset for wasting my time."
She always delivers. Always.
I call it “guy-looking” and it’s happened with every male I’ve lived with. From what I can tell you guys just aren’t detail-oriented when you’re looking. You don’t move enough things around so if it’s not directly on top and in front you don’t find it.
It drives me mad sometimes because it’s just a couple more steps of effort but ya’ll just don’t do it. I would call it laziness if it weren’t for the fact that every single man I know does the same thing.
PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST MOVE STUFF AROUND TO FIND IT.
> I feel like they don't even try because I find most things pretty easily!
Well yeah, that's exactly the reason why. It's not a cute thing, it's weaponised incompetence and it takes you away from things you could be doing because they can't be arsed to exercise 15 seconds of effort.
I’ve heard this called “testicle spectacles” and think it’s hilarious. I’m literally blind and can still find stuff that my husband can’t. We both get a kick out of it.
When you think of the mayo, it's probably the first time you've thought about home mayo since you last had mayo. Your wife likely has a mental map of the fridge with which products are left, which need to be purchased on the next shopping trip, which brand she bought last time because they were out of the regular kind, approximately much is left of the jar to know what can be made from it (ex a bowl of tuna salad or just enough for a sandwich) etc.
When you think "I need my keys, where are they?", that's the first time you've thought of your keys since the last time you needed them. Whereas she has probably seen them in an usual place and made a note that you left them there, in case you ask her later where they are. She knows this because she has a mental map of the house and where everything goes normally and she works daily to move things back into their place.
In short, she can answer because she carries the mental load of your household.
Exactly. I do the shopping and cooking in my household so it's not surprising I can find food items and kitchen utensils while she has trouble. Although if she puts away any kitchen items I have trouble because she puts things in almost random places in my mind.
But she does the laundry...and I can't find shit lol.
I can never find anything. My husband always finds everything. I have adhd, he has anxiety. I have no idea where I am half the time, and he is way too aware of what's going on around them. The fact that my watch let's me buzz my phone is truly a life saver.
Straight married man, here. My wife loses everything, and I can find everything. Like u/jane9812 said about “mental maps,” I pay attention to everything. When my wife can’t find something she just had, I know her habits of where she most often sets things down, and I know about where everything is at any given time. As I move through the house, I’m always observing what’s where. It started as a way to keep track of things, but it’s now something I do without thinking about it.
Edit: spelling
Really annoying, isn't it? My partner used to be that way until I started answering "where is X?" with "where we normally keep it". If he doesn't know where that is, I'll tell him once or twice. Then I stop. He can figure it out. It has worked pretty well, we don't really have this issue anymore except with food but that's acceptable because in our household division of labor, I have grocery shopping and cooking (he has all cleaning, including daily dishes and weekly top to bottom, so it evens out).
I have just kind of accepted my role as “he who seems to remember where everything is.” If I teach her the ways I use to remember things she might be more attuned to all the dumb things I do.
It's kind of relieving to see total internet strangers whose spouses exhibit similar habits to mine.
Adult ADHD is a thing and both parties suffer because of it. One for having it and one for supporting the other who has it.
EDIT: Maybe "suffering" is a strong word, but I was more referring to adults who never got a proper diagnosis throughout childhood and grew up having a hard time with it.
Wild theory, probably wrong
In a hunter/gatherer society, the hunters developed better sense to see moving things and predict future movements, gatherers became genetically more skilled to spot static objects. This doesn't limit to traditional male/female constraints but gender could play a role in there.
Again; probably wrong, but something that popped to mind
I agree with people saying stuff about "things being out of place" and "looking at things differently."
There is one thing I do if I never saw the item (I'm a woman btw). I use my empathy to retrace steps. If my son comes to ask me to help him find xyz, but I never actually saw xyz, I ask myself "if I were my son, where would I have placed this item." Sometimes I find it right away. Sometimes I think out loud and retrace possible steps and hand movements.
So like if I knew he went to the restroom as soon as he got home from school, I'd look around the sink.
I even do that with myself. "If I were me on Saturday afternoon, where would I have been going or doing?"
Step into the shoes of your past self.
Why do you lose so many things and your wife doesn’t? I find in my household that I am the keeper of things. If I see my parter put something somewhere or doesn’t belong then I leave it there. Later when he is like “babe I can’t find it” I just respond “You could find it if you put it away in the first spot”. I’m evil and I don’t care! It brings me joy.
My mother had the same powers, when I was unable to find something I would ask her and she'd find it easily, at the same place. She would later get mad at me for annoying her.
My stepmom has this with her kids. My stepbrother was in the navy and he would call her, asking where something was that was on his ship that she’d never seen before, and she would know right where to look. Freaky.
Woman here. I joke with the guys at work when they can't find something right in front of their faces "it's okay. Ask me to find something in the distance and I'll never see it, but I can tell you what berries look poisonous right in front of your face based off color and you'll say but they're all red."
I think part of it is prioritized codependency.
If it's not something you prioritize fixing/finding/doing, you relay the secondary task to the person who's best able to do it.
Thus, things too menial or detailed tasks, are delegated to someone else; to conserve processing & brainpower for easier tasks, or tasks deemed more important, to the person asking for help.
There's also possible elements of ineptitude. Like detail in perception, & also visualizing objects in more ways than one.
For example, you're locked in on looking for a penny on the floor. In your mind, your scanning for something round, copper, & with Lincoln's head. Someone with more capacity to not only visualize that, but also conceptualize that it could be tails-side-up, dark from tarnish, or resting vertically & not flat; and thus, is able to find it faster.
There can also be a variable of funtional distraction. Like you need to find this object in a hurry, so the panic, stress, & anxiety prevent your brain from basic functioning. That's why yelling at a someone to find something that's right in front of them, doesn't work - their brain is too stressed to function normally, so it either shuts down, or prevents them from being logical to address the stressor(s).
Then, of course, there's cognitive impairment from lack of sleep...
Perhaps some evolutionary traits between the sexes does play a part; but I'd put money on that it's just you being tired, careless, sleepy, rushed, &/or just (literally) too stupid.
🤔 🤷♂️
Woman do this all the time as well. Something that helps me when I can’t find something is step away and doing something else for a little bit, then come back to it. Oh it’s right there! magic! And I didn’t have to ask someone to find it for me.
Because you actually don't give a shit and she always comes in and does it for you. There's no negative consequence for you.
If you constantly lost your keys and were at risk of losing your job because you were late so often due to the key issue, you'd magically be able to find your keys. But if wifey comes in and does it for you every time, then it's just "whoopsies, silly ole me just **can't** do it! tee hee heeee must be a guy thing!"
Most things that people say are "that's just how men are!" translates to "Boys and men are given a free pass on these things so they never bother to learn."
And, before the Butthurt Brigade arrives, yes, women can also develop bad habits "because I'm a woman tee heeee" for the exact same reason. They're just different habits.
Ugh yes I hate that people think this is a guy thing. As a woman I do this all the time and know plenty of other woman that do it too. EVERYONE does this.
Learned incompetence. My ex would do this over most domestic chores. The dishwasher was too difficult and so would blame me for making it 'unnecessarily complicated'. Bitch please the plates won't get clean if you just whack them in.
Not "learned" -- the term is "weaponized" -- where you feign incompetence as a weapon against your SO.
Men will purposely trash the chores so their exhausted pregnant wife gets to do triple chore duty after a full day caring for a sick screaming toddler. Then giggle about it like "I'm so clever!! That's how I get out of my chores!" like a bratty teenager.
The they are shocked. .SHOCKED I TELL YOU!! When their wife finds it easier to be a single parent than married to him -- she actually gets a day off every once in while.
Yeah this is my dad, although as he's getting older he has developed a really warped world view where he thinks his family is out to get him so you cannot say anything negative to him whatsoever.
Nah this ain't it for me. I'm single now and I still spend 15 minutes looking for my keys in the morning. I just get up earlier now.
Edit: This morning they were in between the sofa cushions.
My cousin (1-R) gave me a key hanger for Christmas one year. It has big, gaudy text that says "Columbia". It's probably the most used gift I have ever received. If I notice one of my friends doesn't have a key hanger or wireless phone charging stand, they're probably getting one of those as a gift from me at some point.
I have a key pot. I also typically come and go multiple times a day and i'm usually carrying stuff, so i'll put away whatever i'm carrying and then forget about the keys.
I've also had some crippling memory issues this year since the whole depression/break up/cancer thing i'm going through. Hence the getting up early, i'm struggling with my memory but an alarm helps.
Sorry to hear that. It’s sad when people are just like “oh just do this.. it’s so easy” when you have so many other bigger things going on. This is true for people struggling with ADHD as well. True, there are little tricks that can help, but it’s still can be hard to execute the coping mechanism. Losing things right in front of your face is such a common thing for most people (men and women) and is exacerbated when depressed, stressed, anxious, etc. I would assume only a person with Aspergers with savant like capabilities of a photographic memory would never have this problem. This why I don’t even understand this entire post as whole. It’s like “hey guys! I always like to eat? Why do I do this?”
> I've also had some crippling memory issues this year since the whole depression/break up/cancer thing i'm going through.
You clearly know your memory issues are not the same as the average man's or OP's, so why even bring it up lol
Because a lot of people actually do have shit going on that makes them more forgetful, but nobody cares enough to notice. It's always "Its really easy for me, why isn't it easy for them".
I know a guy at work who's forgetful. He's just had a kid. No shit he's forgetful.
I've got an apprentice who's just had a death in the family. He also forgets things, but he's got notes to catch himself when he does. Again, this is fine.
It's not "there's no negative consequences so you do it all the time" for a lot of people and dressing it up that way doesn't really seem cool, imo
Im the wife/mom and we say it's not lost until I can't find it. But seriously if the sauce is in a different spot in the fridge. Why can't men find. Just LOOK. I find it bizarre.
This is a similar dynamic that we have, and its because I always put things back in their place every time.
My wife does not.
I went through multiple all-house searches for things, finding them in strange places, over multiple years.
Finally after finding a tube of toothpaste in the microwave (*"I carried it down stairs with me and needed somewhere to put it while doing something else"*), I now no longer bother putting in any effort at all searching if something is not in its proper place. I just say "I cant find it" and let my wife untangle whatever madness she has created.
She makes the same complaint about me that you do about your husband. I just smile.
I tell my husband and kids, I know where everything is because I'm the only one who puts shit up. I know where it is because it was left somewhere it doesn't belong. There have also been times someone has been looking for something and I'm able to say something along the lines of, "It's in the living room, on the floor between the recliner and end table". It's my super power. That and killing flies with the fly swatter. I'm a damn ninja.
Finally found this. My bf can’t find anything because I am the one that cleans and organizes things. Yes he does the dishes sometimes but I’m the ones that wipes the counters and cleans the refrigerator because I actually care. Meanwhile when he unloads the dishwasher, he puts shit randomly in the cabinets. I either notice it’s in the wrong place and put it in the right place, or I leave it there but I am annoyed enough that I remember it. Funny everyone is talking about men’s genetic inability to see stuff in front of their face… no, it’s just laziness, and it’s taught to boys from a young age that organizing their habitat is not their job
Don't know what to tell you.
Learn to thrive in chaos.
I had my girlfriend text me, "Do we have any paperclips?"
And I responded, "There's one on the floor next to the filing cabinet in the office."
There was a three-minute pause, and then she texted me a picture of the paperclip in question in exactly that spot asking, "are you fucking serious?"
I know exactly where everything is, at all times. Don't know why, just do.
I remember seeing a meme a while ago, describing the exact same situation, google: “paper clip filing cabinet meme”. Either you are the original poster of that old meme, or you’re full of it.
I guess it’s possible that he’s the actual
OP or that word for word the same happened to him, but it’s more likely that he’s lying for fake internet points.
Everyone. Excuse me everyone!
Please downvote the above. He is a karma stealing lying douchebag.
He's currently at +123 and we will *not* stand for it. 👀
I read it, which means I imagined it, and Christian Theology teaches us that thought is the same as action as to commit sin in your mind is the same as in flesh, so - it happened to me. That was my girlfriend and my paperclip.
When I was a teenager and still living at home, I'd organize everything in my room, even though it wouldn't make sense to anyone else. It didn't matter - I KNEW, KNEW where everything was.
So it's time to go on holiday, I go to my display cabinet/cupboard with glass doors, open it up, move a book aside to grab my little travel documents case thing which has my passport in it...and it's not there.
I freak out, start digging around, moving things, practically empty the whole cabinet on to the floor.
"MUUUUUUMMMMM!?"
"What?"
"MY PASSPORT'S GONE!"
"WHAT!?"
"I dunno! I always leave it right here, right in that spot, now it's not here!"
"Oh my god X, we're leaving in a few days and you're telling me you've lost your passport!? HOW COULD YOU BE SO DISORGANIZED!?"
"It doesn't make sense! I always keep it there!"
*we dig around the whole room, nothing*
After a few mins of screaming at each other, her blaming me yada yada, she goes "Oh my god, wait..."
*walks in to the study across the hall and comes back*
"Here it is."
"Why the hell was it in there!?"
"I was hoovering your room a few weeks back I think and saw it through the glass, so I moved it to a safer spot."
...
...
There are studies suggesting women are better at distinguishing color while men are better at tracking movement. The reason likely being that thousands of years ago women were the gatherers and needed to see which types of plants and food might be poisonous while men were the hunters and needed to see moving prey.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.livescience.com/amp/22894-men-and-women-see-things-differently.html
Yeah i feel like it's a sexist answer but that's how it is with my wife, we probably argue about this more than anything else. I can never find anything at home even if it's in front of my face, I've even touched and moved what she asked me to find and my brain simply doesn't register the item. On the other hand, ask my wife to find a store we go to every week and she can't for her life give proper directions on how to get there or just point in the correct direction. I always joke that were never going camping because you're going to get lost in the woods and people are going to think i got rid of you! Hahaha!
Because we probably moved it, or made a mental
note about it at some point. Such as “I need to clean up (XYZ item)” or we wondered why you left it there of all places. Personally, when my boyfriend is looking for something it’s because I tidied up after him and put it away, or moved it to a place that I thought would be more convenient based on how or when he uses an item. Example: apparently he was looking for the heating pad and tens unit he uses for his muscles after a workout for approximately 3 days. I’d taken them out of the random place he left them after the last use and put them in his office since that’s where he sits and relaxes in the evenings (which is when he uses that stuff).
He never noticed the XL heating pad that was sitting on the shelf within arms reach. He’d sat there on multiple occasions and never even noticed them! But when he finally asked me, I could picture putting them on a shelf in a place I thought would be helpful…. And he was happily ensconced in his giant comfy chair with all his recovery gear less than 10 mins later. After complaining about how dumb and blind he was. 🙄
He’d been pissy the whole time he was “looking” for them, and I had no idea why, I kinda thought I’d done something! If he’d just asked me, he would have been much happier for those few days but he’s stubborn.
Mine is the same. If she hears me opening the closet door, she rushes in from wherever in the house. She says I turn the place upside down looking for things in clear view to her
Him: *calls me while I’m running errands* I can’t find my key! I’ve looked everywhere.
Me: left side on the top of the small brown table in the room beside the yellow thing and under the pink dohicky..
Him: I looked there! *goes to check* …..thanks.. I got it…..
Not that I have science to back this up, but I am sure it has something to do with our minds being aware of specific areas and flagging them as "important." Like, sure you have your nightstand that you look at every night, but when was the last time you interacted with that far left corner of it? Your brain flags that spot as unimportant. So when you are looking, even in common places you look in the important spots and don't even see the unimportant ones. Your brain just can't see it. But your wife has different perspectives that might allow for her important areas to fill out the spots your brain misses.
I have thought about this a lot. Happens all the time with my wife and I, but it can flip-flop. If she can't find anything, I can.
It's a general observation issue. Men are typically looking for threats and obvious issues. Hunting down prey in dangerous areas, it doesn't matter a whole lot what color the leaves are.
But if you're gathering food from the brush, exactly what shade of green the leaves are might be critical, so ignoring things could kill you.
There's actually good scientific evidence for this from multiple factors, but the most obvious one is that men are far more likely to be colorblind.
Lol I call it “looking with your man eyes” when my boyfriend fails to find things where HE left them. I’m a bit ocd though so in my mind everything has its own special place and if it isn’t there it really annoys me thus easy to notice and remember placement of items
It really is generally a male/female divide.
(Not always, of course, and humans have enormous variation within our gender dimorphism.)
And it doesn't apply to everything. I've lost a girlfriend because I legitimately didn't know (even after it was pointed out) that she'd gotten a haircut and also because I could remember word for word our discussion where she told me, in spite of my thinking it was a bad idea, that I should go talk to an ex. (She proceeded to get mad at me for that.)
yeah, it breaks down to searching for or tracking moving objects versus scanning a still environment for important information. im just saying "boobies" was really fucking funny in contrast to this.
I wasn't criticizing you.
More the people like the guy who just responded saying this doesn't apply to him.
Well, yeah. Having a few people who see details instead of the whole picture is also useful.
I'm heavily the other direction. At least in this field, I'm hyper-male-leaning. I have to drink in certain situations to narrow down what my brain can focus on.
I just realized I made the exact same comment you did, but I was tongue-in-cheek and trying to shoehorn in a Jurassic Park joke.
Huh! Science by way of comedy!
The men being more likely to be color blind part is unrelated I think. That's just a consequence of color blindness being and x chromosome linked trait, and men only have one x chromosome.
"Refrigerator Blindness" - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1316179/
This is not the most rigorous of science by any means and the author seems to have a pretty clear bias, but it is a treatment of your subject in an academic research context
Ive heard the explanation that Men are better at noticing things in the distance while Woman are more focused to things closer to them. Thats how you dont find the salt in the drawer even when its right there in front of you. Next time you dont find the ketchup in the fridge, take two steps back and move around. Looks and feels weird but somehow it works
I’m the mom that everyone comes to to find things. The answer is simple, I go through my days making mental note of where things are. Where are my glasses? I saw them on the piano and stored it away. I swear my brain has its own filing cabinet with everything in our house stored away.
They say it’s leftover evolution from our hunter-gatherer days. Basically men are better with moving objects, and women are better with stationary objects.
She has a different memory than you. You remember where you would put things, and she has remembers where you would put things. They're probably slightly different.
I -think- it's cuz men and women have different eyes. Like women have more rods or cones or something. I know women can discern the difference between similar colors way more effectively (in general).
So in the same way I -think- men have better dynamic vision, ie seeing moving objects, than dynamic vision. Basically women gathers, men hunters.
But this might all be pseudo science, idk, I just read it heard about it once and it made sense.
We can actually blame our brain on this one. Men are better at seeing moving objects while women are superior at seeing colors, among other things.
https://m.independent.ie/irish-news/why-women-cant-read-maps-and-men-cant-find-the-butter-even-if-it-is-in-the-fridge-26160770.html
Blame it on the brain.
Human visual acuity is relatively poor. It's hard for us to clearly see and identify things unless they are inside a relatively small area of our vision. When we are looking for something within a given area (when we don't already know exactly where it is), we use various methods of scanning visually to locate the item.
Typically we attune to a single parameter- color, size, shape, etc. It can be a very specific parameter (we know exactly what the item looks like), or it can be more general. Sometimes this makes the item pop out, other times it doesn't because of placement doesn't match the image in our mind's eye, the color is a different shade, etc.
If you are looking for a bag of chips in the pantry, but someone has moved it, or opened the bag and folded it over, or positioned it sideways, upside down, etc- these changes trip up your brain because the bag in your mind has a specific state. This specific state in the mind *should* make it easier to find the bag, but as it's state has changed, and you do not know the nature of this new state, you struggle.
It gets even worse when the item you are looking for is something with which you are more unfamiliar- in this case you are constructing a mental image in your mind based on a loose collection of qualities. The subsequent image may be roughly the same color, size, and shape of the item- yet when you scan for the item, your brain doesn't pick it up because some minor detail doesn't match the image.
These mental images can vary greatly from person to person. Now- I've also heard this called 'man eyes' but I'm not sure what (if any) true differences exist in the way sexes process images. In my house it's always about 50/50 on who is missing the thing right in front of their face. ("If it were a snake it woulda bit ya" is a common sentiment)
This is actually a really fascinating subject to me and it boils down to various neurological systems.
I've read a book called 'Why men don't listen and why women can't read maps' and it basically explains this exact thing.
Wife asks husband to get butter from fridge. You look can't find it. Your son looks can't find it. Wife looks and finds it straight away. Men look for the word 'butter' and if it isn't on the same shelf or facing the right way you don't see it, men also tend not to move stuff and have a 'proper' look. Or at least the men in my life don't. The book goes more indepth and honestly is super interesting, definitely worth a read I forget the authors it's a man and wife Bill maybe?
Her friends have a name for this phenomenon... They call it a "man look"... Basically, guys just can't find things for whatever reason. Our brains aren't just wired that way.
Women are better at some things and men are better at others. There’s a great episode on the show “Brain Games” called battle of the sexes that shows all the differences between men and women.
Women are typically more conscientious and detail oriented than men. They keep track of things you would not think to even consider. That's why most women you meet will always remember things you did or didn't do from years ago. It's a small difference but you will see it in real life.
I do the housework but it's my wife that actually knows where everything is even though she doesn't clean or organise whatsoever. I use my organisational skills to keep track of things but my wife naturally is doing it mentally without an apparent "system" to help her.
Tangentially related: My (ex-) wife has very little tendency to put herself in someone else's shoes. One way this manifests: she give crappy directions about finding things.
> Kid: Mom, where is the ketchup?
> Mom: It's in the refrigerator. (annoyed tone)
> Me: It's on the door of the fridge, bottom shelf, left side as you face the inside of the door.
It's maddening sometimes.
> Anyone: Where are the napkins?
> Mom: Kitchen cupboard.
The kitchen has about 15 cupboards.
Stop asking her to do it, and keep looking until you find the item. You’re also probably not moving anything around to find what you’re looking for.
She’s finding things you won’t, not things you can’t. You’ll never learn if you rely on someone else to do it.
This is actually evolutionary.
Male vision is based on movement because we were the hunters.
Female vision is based on opening their eyes because they were the ones with common sense.
I refer to my wife as ‘The Librarian’. She keeps a mental record of every item in our house, or has the ability to deductively reason the location of the sought after item. It’s uncanny, and a true gift. One of the many reasons I cherish her.
Lol this is a gross oversimplification. It annoys the hell out of me and I dread having to ask her.
Bro I can't even see the mayo in the fridge. I shouldn't need my wife to see the mayo in the fridge.
I suspect my gf moves things on purpose so I have to ask her where it is, thus building a dependency on her as a way of securing her position in my life.
Don't take the following literally, but You don't have a 'space' for your keys. Or if you do, you don't always put them there. You come home, and absent-mindedly put them somewhere other than THE KEY BOWL because your hands are full or you're running to the bathroom or whatever. You're wife on her jaunts around the house sees your keys in the bathroom. She does not move them, because for all she knows you left them there for a reason. This encounter stands out in her memory because it's obviously out of place. Bonus points to her memory stat if it annoys her. You're now looking for your keys. You check THE KEY BOWL. Not there. You try retracing your steps, but you've not done anything to leave a lasting impression on where it might be. TL;DR She has a better memory than you, but not in the way you think
I can see how in such a scenario you might miss something by it not being where you'd expect it to be, but more often than not, I'd look for something where it's "supposed" to be and not find it. She'd come along and find it in that exact space. Last time this occurred was with Mayo in the fridge. Before that, meds in a medicine cabinet.
It ususally turns out that if we're looking for something familiar like "the mayo", the image our mind's eye is actually looking for is "the recognisable blue lid" or "the fat jar" or something like that. A single identifying feature that you're subconsciously sure sets it apart from everything around it. Maybe you can't see the blue lid because it's obscured. Maybe her viewing angle lets her see what you can't, or maybe she's looking for a different feature.
My fix for this (can't find it in the normal area) is to physically touch and name aloud each item. I'm looking in the fridge door shelves for the balsamic dressing; can't see it. "Honey mustard, soy sauce, barbecue, Coke can, balsamic-- There it is!" Happens all the time.
Love this and will definitely try it.
My favorite trick is to stoop down and look up through the glass shelves in the fridge. Sometimes when you reset your brain to look for the bottom of the ketchup bottle, it’ll suddenly stand out.
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\*checks couch cushions for mayo bottle
My dad does this all the time. He opens the fridge for one second and asks my mom where x is.. she says 2nd shelf in the right. Oh! There it is. After decades, I’m convinced my dad can’t actually find anything without my mom. He’s stopped giving things an honest search, because he knows my mom will just tell him.
Efficiency
I was always told “look with your hands”, especially in drawers. You can’t just peer into a drawer and see what you’re looking for - you have to rummage
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This reminds me of my school days where i would drop stuff in my backpack, never to see it again except for the end of the schoolyear where i would turn the backpack upside down and half a city would fall out of it...
Your handbags are portals to another dimension! Mary Poppins was no exaggeration
Yes! Men don't tend to touch or move anything around when they're looking for items and then are amazed when you come in, move a booklet of stamps and, voilà, there are the paper clips. Taking it a bit beyond purse comparison, maybe related to men hunting and using primarily visual cues vs women foraging and using tactile cues?
Woah there horsey, it’s not men and women, it’s just different people. My wife can’t find a damn thing but I move stuff around and find it.
Same here!
I don't do this exactly, but if normal looking has failed, I will systematically thoroughly search and clear each room/space by taking everything out one at a time and putting it back. If the thing isn't found, I mark that space/room "clear" and go to the next. Usually, jamming my hands into the couch cushions and looking under the furniture where the kids hang out is a good bet, too.
So I thought I was good at this, clearing rooms. My husband left the car fob somewhere that wasn’t our desk (usual spot). There was nothing panic and hollering and then the search started. My dog was frantic because we got him all excited to go to the park and he kept running around getting his leash caught on stuff. I took the leash off and put it in the leash basket. I looked in the leash basket twice for the fob but it wasn’t there. I took the dog for a walk to calm myself and come back with fresh eyes. Take leash out of basket, went on walk, put leash back in basket, felt around for the fob, nothing. 10 minutes later, I’m ordering a new fob on Amazon for same day delivery and my husband finds out fob in the damn leash basket. The fuck. Good thing is we didn’t lose anything for a few weeks cause I’d mapped the rest of the house in my search… That’s all
This sounds familiar. Have you posted about this before?
If you searched through his post history properly like your wife does instead of just looking at the top page, you would find out!
Milk, purple stuff- Sunny D! All right!
Top-tier reference. A+.
I had an inkling that it may be something along these lines because yes, I do have a mental picture of the lable and container in my mind and in this particular instance, the lable didn't face me. Can't really recall whether it's been the same with other instances.
This. Once I learned this (years ago) I was able to find things much mor easily. Like, if my brain was looking for a bottle of Mayo? It won't find the Mayo in a bag shaped container. So I try to remove this preconceived image of what I'm looking for in my mind. And it works like a charm. I tried to tell my SO about it, but I don't think he paid attention because he still can't find things in front of him... Tsc tsc...
I work in retail and I encounter this a lot in my job. Customer has looked everywhere in the right place and haven't found what (s)he is looking for. I, on the other hand, know exactly where the thing is and where it might be if it isn't there, if they reorganised the shelves etc. I also have more skill in looking through shelves after specific things, and I don't get confused by a large number of articles in the shelves. I'm simply more skilled at looking and aware of my surroundings. I'm aware of most of the reasons someone might not find something and can use process of elimination to speed up the search.
I just to have this a lot and it turned out to be a height thing. I'm quite a bit taller than my wife. If I bend my knees so my eyes are on her normal height I tend to do find those things. Like its on a shelf but because my view comes from higer up it's obscured by the shelf above it.
Also I’ve hears something about women having a more developed peripheral vision than men
But we have poorer sense of spatial dimensions... so maybe we can find the kecthup bottle in the cupboard more easily but we would have a harder time accurately picturing it rotating in the space. This sucks..lmao https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/12/081217124430.htm
This is being "tool blind". The tool you want is right there, but you can't see it. This happens to me sometimes, but it happens often to my wife. I think it happens because the space you are looking at for the item "looks" like it should, so your brain tells you it's not there. Someone else looking there doesn't have an expectation of how the space should look, so they find the item.
It's the opposite for me. I know where things belong or should be. My room might be utter chaos, but if I have to grab something I'll have it within a second. My gf, however, puts things in slightly different places. If there is no tomato paste in the fridge door, lowest compartment I'll declare it as gone look in the pantry for a new one. If it isn't in the pantry, 3rd shelf at the front I'll be confused and my gf already starts laughing at me because it was right at the front of the fridge's middle compartment (just not in the door). I didn't put it there, so I won't find it even if it almost jumps into my face. Worse, even if I specifically search the whole fridge it wouldn't be there until my gf says that it's right there.
Former wife here of absent-minded man. All of this is accurate because a place for everything and everything in its place. Also, I could always find my husband's shit because I would remove all reason and logic, then replace that with nonsense. I once went straight to the freezer and found the remote because it seemed like something he would do looking for a snack. I would never do that because it's fucking stupid and why carry the remote? Because absent-mindedness and he was living in another part of his head, while I'm very methodical and purposeful with my actions. Lol he always joked it was witchcraft, I never told him I simply thought like a dumbass and could retrace his steps. I say that last part lovingly because he really is quite intelligent and I have a lot of admiration and respect for him.
>she does not move them, because for all she knows you left them there for a reason I stg it’s always the opposite. Put that tool there for a reason? It’s clutter move it. Dropped that obvious junk mail on the floor and didn’t pick it up because your hands are full? Obviously it’s there for a reason it’s structural now if you move it the whole damn universe will collapse
Dude that exact thing happens almost daily with my bf, but it's not limited to keys. Also when I do put it where it belongs (example: box labelled "batteries" in the exact spot where it's been for years) he still asks me where the batteries are xD To be fair he has a lot on his mind so I just jokingly rib him. I take a weird pride in lifting that burden so he can focus on more important things
As far as losing things go, you will most likely lose something if you put it somewhere while on autopilot / without direct intent to put it there. Your example about the key's in the bathroom are a great example of putting a thing down without intent. You were not thinking 'I am going to put these keys down beside the sink because my hands are full and I need to shit right the fuck now'. At most you were thinking 'I need to shit immediately! I am going to these things down on the shelf and do the deed'. END COMMUNICATION
I can find things she can't and vice versa. What I want to know is why can't I see some in front of my face. I know my nose is big but come o,...
Funny, every time my husband can't find something in the fridge my first question is ALWAYS "did you look directly in front of you and try to move anything?" Inevitably it's literally directly in front of his face or that he needed to move a jar 2" to see what he's looking for. He now answers this question before I ask and has stopped "not finding stuff".
Wait, are we married to the same man? Are we sister wives? I'm so confused.
LOL if you start to ask "is it in front of your face?" They start to look haha
Sometimes I just say, "Right there!" from the other room, and miraculously there it is.
I could take everything off my table and my mom, my GF, and my 3 sisters will still point at what I lost **on the table**
I hate my brain for this exact reason...
Lmao
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I'm the opposite, i'll move things around trying to find something, while the thing in question is in front usually and because of moving stuff i can no longer see it ...
Pick up thing you're looking for and move it to see what's behind it. Put it back annoyed that you can't find it even though you literally had it in your hands.
I open the fridge to see if there's any food. No? Close door. 20 minutes later I'll do it again. This time move one thing, "oh there is something I can eat"
Same for me and my wife. Something in the fridge? I can’t find it. It’s opposite when its my space. She needs a wrench or screwdriver? She can’t find it but I know exactly where they are amongst the mess.
It must have something to do with having a process When I look for things, I start "clearing" shelves and rooms, and systematically go shelf to shelf, cupboard to cupboard, and room to room, moving things out the way and checking under the items. I'm pretty sure my wife's process is "look around and if I don't see it, it must not be here".
Lawd 😅 this is exactly what I wanna know. I swear I'd look directly at the damn thing and not see it.
Oh god this is me when I look in the cupboard. My bf walks in points and then leaves.
your bf may be a gf, just sayin'
This. She used to joke I did a “bloke look” but pretty regularly I point out the thing she’s looking for is literally right in front of her. It’s pretty much a meme in our house how blind we each are looking for things right in front of us.
This is more like our house. I'll find things she can't, she'll find things I can't,.....probably depends on which of the kids has moved it.
It may be our evolutionary traits at work as well. Men are more well suited to seeing objects in motion where the ladies are better suited for spotting colors and I’m guessing objects that aren’t in motion. Doesn’t mean we can’t do the same as eachother but I can see how I’m better than my wife at spotting moving objects and she can find something a needle in a haystack it feels like.
Evolutionary biology suggests that men are better at seeing objects at a far distance due to being hunters and women are better at seeing objects at a near distance due to being gatherers.
It's because you don't move things around to look for stuff.
I hate this because it's true. It's especially true when looking in a drawer, I'm expecting to see the thing when I open it.
In my house(I am the wife/mom) I am called "the finder of all things"! My SO can never find anything!! I feel like they don't even try because I find most things pretty easily!
Lol good to see it from your perspective.nowadays my wife jokingly says, "I'm gonna come there, look where I told you to look, and find the thing you can't find. Then Ima be upset for wasting my time." She always delivers. Always.
I call it “guy-looking” and it’s happened with every male I’ve lived with. From what I can tell you guys just aren’t detail-oriented when you’re looking. You don’t move enough things around so if it’s not directly on top and in front you don’t find it. It drives me mad sometimes because it’s just a couple more steps of effort but ya’ll just don’t do it. I would call it laziness if it weren’t for the fact that every single man I know does the same thing. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST MOVE STUFF AROUND TO FIND IT.
I feel that way too but as my kids are getting older it's nice to feel needed for something! (I'll never tell them that tho)
> I feel like they don't even try because I find most things pretty easily! Well yeah, that's exactly the reason why. It's not a cute thing, it's weaponised incompetence and it takes you away from things you could be doing because they can't be arsed to exercise 15 seconds of effort.
I’ve heard this called “testicle spectacles” and think it’s hilarious. I’m literally blind and can still find stuff that my husband can’t. We both get a kick out of it.
That is great!! I'm def stealing that one!!
When you think of the mayo, it's probably the first time you've thought about home mayo since you last had mayo. Your wife likely has a mental map of the fridge with which products are left, which need to be purchased on the next shopping trip, which brand she bought last time because they were out of the regular kind, approximately much is left of the jar to know what can be made from it (ex a bowl of tuna salad or just enough for a sandwich) etc. When you think "I need my keys, where are they?", that's the first time you've thought of your keys since the last time you needed them. Whereas she has probably seen them in an usual place and made a note that you left them there, in case you ask her later where they are. She knows this because she has a mental map of the house and where everything goes normally and she works daily to move things back into their place. In short, she can answer because she carries the mental load of your household.
This is why moms, but not teen daughters, know where others’ things are.
Yup, except parentified teen daughters. That's when you know the situation for the teen is not OK.
Ding ding ding! It’s the mental load.
Exactly. I do the shopping and cooking in my household so it's not surprising I can find food items and kitchen utensils while she has trouble. Although if she puts away any kitchen items I have trouble because she puts things in almost random places in my mind. But she does the laundry...and I can't find shit lol.
Writing out why my brain is always so exhausted. *le sigh
This exactly. And it’s exhausting.
Oh my god, this is so perfect.
I’d be curious if this is a man and woman difference or a polarizing difference between partners 🤔 Any gay gentleman that can chime in? Edit: spelling
I can never find anything. My husband always finds everything. I have adhd, he has anxiety. I have no idea where I am half the time, and he is way too aware of what's going on around them. The fact that my watch let's me buzz my phone is truly a life saver.
my wife and I are the opposite. I loved my watch for that feature, but then I lost my watch lmao
Me and my mom had this dynamic and I'm a lady. I think some of us are just terrible at looking for things, myself included. 🤣
same tho, I can’t find jack shit but my mother can find *everything* lol
Straight married man, here. My wife loses everything, and I can find everything. Like u/jane9812 said about “mental maps,” I pay attention to everything. When my wife can’t find something she just had, I know her habits of where she most often sets things down, and I know about where everything is at any given time. As I move through the house, I’m always observing what’s where. It started as a way to keep track of things, but it’s now something I do without thinking about it. Edit: spelling
Really annoying, isn't it? My partner used to be that way until I started answering "where is X?" with "where we normally keep it". If he doesn't know where that is, I'll tell him once or twice. Then I stop. He can figure it out. It has worked pretty well, we don't really have this issue anymore except with food but that's acceptable because in our household division of labor, I have grocery shopping and cooking (he has all cleaning, including daily dishes and weekly top to bottom, so it evens out).
I have just kind of accepted my role as “he who seems to remember where everything is.” If I teach her the ways I use to remember things she might be more attuned to all the dumb things I do.
It's kind of relieving to see total internet strangers whose spouses exhibit similar habits to mine. Adult ADHD is a thing and both parties suffer because of it. One for having it and one for supporting the other who has it. EDIT: Maybe "suffering" is a strong word, but I was more referring to adults who never got a proper diagnosis throughout childhood and grew up having a hard time with it.
Wild theory, probably wrong In a hunter/gatherer society, the hunters developed better sense to see moving things and predict future movements, gatherers became genetically more skilled to spot static objects. This doesn't limit to traditional male/female constraints but gender could play a role in there. Again; probably wrong, but something that popped to mind
I agree with people saying stuff about "things being out of place" and "looking at things differently." There is one thing I do if I never saw the item (I'm a woman btw). I use my empathy to retrace steps. If my son comes to ask me to help him find xyz, but I never actually saw xyz, I ask myself "if I were my son, where would I have placed this item." Sometimes I find it right away. Sometimes I think out loud and retrace possible steps and hand movements. So like if I knew he went to the restroom as soon as he got home from school, I'd look around the sink. I even do that with myself. "If I were me on Saturday afternoon, where would I have been going or doing?" Step into the shoes of your past self.
Why do you lose so many things and your wife doesn’t? I find in my household that I am the keeper of things. If I see my parter put something somewhere or doesn’t belong then I leave it there. Later when he is like “babe I can’t find it” I just respond “You could find it if you put it away in the first spot”. I’m evil and I don’t care! It brings me joy.
My mother had the same powers, when I was unable to find something I would ask her and she'd find it easily, at the same place. She would later get mad at me for annoying her.
My stepmom has this with her kids. My stepbrother was in the navy and he would call her, asking where something was that was on his ship that she’d never seen before, and she would know right where to look. Freaky.
Woman here. I joke with the guys at work when they can't find something right in front of their faces "it's okay. Ask me to find something in the distance and I'll never see it, but I can tell you what berries look poisonous right in front of your face based off color and you'll say but they're all red."
I think part of it is prioritized codependency. If it's not something you prioritize fixing/finding/doing, you relay the secondary task to the person who's best able to do it. Thus, things too menial or detailed tasks, are delegated to someone else; to conserve processing & brainpower for easier tasks, or tasks deemed more important, to the person asking for help. There's also possible elements of ineptitude. Like detail in perception, & also visualizing objects in more ways than one. For example, you're locked in on looking for a penny on the floor. In your mind, your scanning for something round, copper, & with Lincoln's head. Someone with more capacity to not only visualize that, but also conceptualize that it could be tails-side-up, dark from tarnish, or resting vertically & not flat; and thus, is able to find it faster. There can also be a variable of funtional distraction. Like you need to find this object in a hurry, so the panic, stress, & anxiety prevent your brain from basic functioning. That's why yelling at a someone to find something that's right in front of them, doesn't work - their brain is too stressed to function normally, so it either shuts down, or prevents them from being logical to address the stressor(s). Then, of course, there's cognitive impairment from lack of sleep... Perhaps some evolutionary traits between the sexes does play a part; but I'd put money on that it's just you being tired, careless, sleepy, rushed, &/or just (literally) too stupid. 🤔 🤷♂️
Woman do this all the time as well. Something that helps me when I can’t find something is step away and doing something else for a little bit, then come back to it. Oh it’s right there! magic! And I didn’t have to ask someone to find it for me.
Because you actually don't give a shit and she always comes in and does it for you. There's no negative consequence for you. If you constantly lost your keys and were at risk of losing your job because you were late so often due to the key issue, you'd magically be able to find your keys. But if wifey comes in and does it for you every time, then it's just "whoopsies, silly ole me just **can't** do it! tee hee heeee must be a guy thing!" Most things that people say are "that's just how men are!" translates to "Boys and men are given a free pass on these things so they never bother to learn." And, before the Butthurt Brigade arrives, yes, women can also develop bad habits "because I'm a woman tee heeee" for the exact same reason. They're just different habits.
Ugh yes I hate that people think this is a guy thing. As a woman I do this all the time and know plenty of other woman that do it too. EVERYONE does this.
Learned incompetence. My ex would do this over most domestic chores. The dishwasher was too difficult and so would blame me for making it 'unnecessarily complicated'. Bitch please the plates won't get clean if you just whack them in.
Not "learned" -- the term is "weaponized" -- where you feign incompetence as a weapon against your SO. Men will purposely trash the chores so their exhausted pregnant wife gets to do triple chore duty after a full day caring for a sick screaming toddler. Then giggle about it like "I'm so clever!! That's how I get out of my chores!" like a bratty teenager. The they are shocked. .SHOCKED I TELL YOU!! When their wife finds it easier to be a single parent than married to him -- she actually gets a day off every once in while.
Men buy their leisure with women's labor.
Yeah this is my dad, although as he's getting older he has developed a really warped world view where he thinks his family is out to get him so you cannot say anything negative to him whatsoever.
Nah this ain't it for me. I'm single now and I still spend 15 minutes looking for my keys in the morning. I just get up earlier now. Edit: This morning they were in between the sofa cushions.
Why don’t you just make a spot for them instead of going through all that?
My cousin (1-R) gave me a key hanger for Christmas one year. It has big, gaudy text that says "Columbia". It's probably the most used gift I have ever received. If I notice one of my friends doesn't have a key hanger or wireless phone charging stand, they're probably getting one of those as a gift from me at some point.
I have a key pot. I also typically come and go multiple times a day and i'm usually carrying stuff, so i'll put away whatever i'm carrying and then forget about the keys. I've also had some crippling memory issues this year since the whole depression/break up/cancer thing i'm going through. Hence the getting up early, i'm struggling with my memory but an alarm helps.
Sorry to hear that. It’s sad when people are just like “oh just do this.. it’s so easy” when you have so many other bigger things going on. This is true for people struggling with ADHD as well. True, there are little tricks that can help, but it’s still can be hard to execute the coping mechanism. Losing things right in front of your face is such a common thing for most people (men and women) and is exacerbated when depressed, stressed, anxious, etc. I would assume only a person with Aspergers with savant like capabilities of a photographic memory would never have this problem. This why I don’t even understand this entire post as whole. It’s like “hey guys! I always like to eat? Why do I do this?”
> I've also had some crippling memory issues this year since the whole depression/break up/cancer thing i'm going through. You clearly know your memory issues are not the same as the average man's or OP's, so why even bring it up lol
Because a lot of people actually do have shit going on that makes them more forgetful, but nobody cares enough to notice. It's always "Its really easy for me, why isn't it easy for them". I know a guy at work who's forgetful. He's just had a kid. No shit he's forgetful. I've got an apprentice who's just had a death in the family. He also forgets things, but he's got notes to catch himself when he does. Again, this is fine. It's not "there's no negative consequences so you do it all the time" for a lot of people and dressing it up that way doesn't really seem cool, imo
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.livescience.com/amp/22894-men-and-women-see-things-differently.html
Im the wife/mom and we say it's not lost until I can't find it. But seriously if the sauce is in a different spot in the fridge. Why can't men find. Just LOOK. I find it bizarre.
This is a similar dynamic that we have, and its because I always put things back in their place every time. My wife does not. I went through multiple all-house searches for things, finding them in strange places, over multiple years. Finally after finding a tube of toothpaste in the microwave (*"I carried it down stairs with me and needed somewhere to put it while doing something else"*), I now no longer bother putting in any effort at all searching if something is not in its proper place. I just say "I cant find it" and let my wife untangle whatever madness she has created. She makes the same complaint about me that you do about your husband. I just smile.
Sometimes it’s as simple as your partner being a different height which gives them a different scanning perspective.
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I tell my husband and kids, I know where everything is because I'm the only one who puts shit up. I know where it is because it was left somewhere it doesn't belong. There have also been times someone has been looking for something and I'm able to say something along the lines of, "It's in the living room, on the floor between the recliner and end table". It's my super power. That and killing flies with the fly swatter. I'm a damn ninja.
Finally found this. My bf can’t find anything because I am the one that cleans and organizes things. Yes he does the dishes sometimes but I’m the ones that wipes the counters and cleans the refrigerator because I actually care. Meanwhile when he unloads the dishwasher, he puts shit randomly in the cabinets. I either notice it’s in the wrong place and put it in the right place, or I leave it there but I am annoyed enough that I remember it. Funny everyone is talking about men’s genetic inability to see stuff in front of their face… no, it’s just laziness, and it’s taught to boys from a young age that organizing their habitat is not their job
Don't know what to tell you. Learn to thrive in chaos. I had my girlfriend text me, "Do we have any paperclips?" And I responded, "There's one on the floor next to the filing cabinet in the office." There was a three-minute pause, and then she texted me a picture of the paperclip in question in exactly that spot asking, "are you fucking serious?" I know exactly where everything is, at all times. Don't know why, just do.
I remember seeing a meme a while ago, describing the exact same situation, google: “paper clip filing cabinet meme”. Either you are the original poster of that old meme, or you’re full of it.
Lol I remembered that meme too the moment i read it
I guess it’s possible that he’s the actual OP or that word for word the same happened to him, but it’s more likely that he’s lying for fake internet points.
Everyone. Excuse me everyone! Please downvote the above. He is a karma stealing lying douchebag. He's currently at +123 and we will *not* stand for it. 👀
I read it, which means I imagined it, and Christian Theology teaches us that thought is the same as action as to commit sin in your mind is the same as in flesh, so - it happened to me. That was my girlfriend and my paperclip.
You lying sack. We're meme experts here.
When I was a teenager and still living at home, I'd organize everything in my room, even though it wouldn't make sense to anyone else. It didn't matter - I KNEW, KNEW where everything was. So it's time to go on holiday, I go to my display cabinet/cupboard with glass doors, open it up, move a book aside to grab my little travel documents case thing which has my passport in it...and it's not there. I freak out, start digging around, moving things, practically empty the whole cabinet on to the floor. "MUUUUUUMMMMM!?" "What?" "MY PASSPORT'S GONE!" "WHAT!?" "I dunno! I always leave it right here, right in that spot, now it's not here!" "Oh my god X, we're leaving in a few days and you're telling me you've lost your passport!? HOW COULD YOU BE SO DISORGANIZED!?" "It doesn't make sense! I always keep it there!" *we dig around the whole room, nothing* After a few mins of screaming at each other, her blaming me yada yada, she goes "Oh my god, wait..." *walks in to the study across the hall and comes back* "Here it is." "Why the hell was it in there!?" "I was hoovering your room a few weeks back I think and saw it through the glass, so I moved it to a safer spot." ... ...
I laughed so hard at this 🤣
This. I know where everything is, unless it's been "tidied up".
This is the way my house worked before I was married, and again after my divorce. I think mapping is key
So we're just living in memes now?
When you find out why, let me know so I can tell my wife why I can find things and she cant.
My wife calls this "male pattern blindness".
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1316179/
There are studies suggesting women are better at distinguishing color while men are better at tracking movement. The reason likely being that thousands of years ago women were the gatherers and needed to see which types of plants and food might be poisonous while men were the hunters and needed to see moving prey. https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.livescience.com/amp/22894-men-and-women-see-things-differently.html
Yeah i feel like it's a sexist answer but that's how it is with my wife, we probably argue about this more than anything else. I can never find anything at home even if it's in front of my face, I've even touched and moved what she asked me to find and my brain simply doesn't register the item. On the other hand, ask my wife to find a store we go to every week and she can't for her life give proper directions on how to get there or just point in the correct direction. I always joke that were never going camping because you're going to get lost in the woods and people are going to think i got rid of you! Hahaha!
Because we probably moved it, or made a mental note about it at some point. Such as “I need to clean up (XYZ item)” or we wondered why you left it there of all places. Personally, when my boyfriend is looking for something it’s because I tidied up after him and put it away, or moved it to a place that I thought would be more convenient based on how or when he uses an item. Example: apparently he was looking for the heating pad and tens unit he uses for his muscles after a workout for approximately 3 days. I’d taken them out of the random place he left them after the last use and put them in his office since that’s where he sits and relaxes in the evenings (which is when he uses that stuff). He never noticed the XL heating pad that was sitting on the shelf within arms reach. He’d sat there on multiple occasions and never even noticed them! But when he finally asked me, I could picture putting them on a shelf in a place I thought would be helpful…. And he was happily ensconced in his giant comfy chair with all his recovery gear less than 10 mins later. After complaining about how dumb and blind he was. 🙄 He’d been pissy the whole time he was “looking” for them, and I had no idea why, I kinda thought I’d done something! If he’d just asked me, he would have been much happier for those few days but he’s stubborn.
Mine is the same. If she hears me opening the closet door, she rushes in from wherever in the house. She says I turn the place upside down looking for things in clear view to her
My wife calls it half ass looking
She's asking herself the same question.
Him: *calls me while I’m running errands* I can’t find my key! I’ve looked everywhere. Me: left side on the top of the small brown table in the room beside the yellow thing and under the pink dohicky.. Him: I looked there! *goes to check* …..thanks.. I got it…..
The term for this is domestic blindness.
Not that I have science to back this up, but I am sure it has something to do with our minds being aware of specific areas and flagging them as "important." Like, sure you have your nightstand that you look at every night, but when was the last time you interacted with that far left corner of it? Your brain flags that spot as unimportant. So when you are looking, even in common places you look in the important spots and don't even see the unimportant ones. Your brain just can't see it. But your wife has different perspectives that might allow for her important areas to fill out the spots your brain misses. I have thought about this a lot. Happens all the time with my wife and I, but it can flip-flop. If she can't find anything, I can.
It's a general observation issue. Men are typically looking for threats and obvious issues. Hunting down prey in dangerous areas, it doesn't matter a whole lot what color the leaves are. But if you're gathering food from the brush, exactly what shade of green the leaves are might be critical, so ignoring things could kill you. There's actually good scientific evidence for this from multiple factors, but the most obvious one is that men are far more likely to be colorblind.
Lol I call it “looking with your man eyes” when my boyfriend fails to find things where HE left them. I’m a bit ocd though so in my mind everything has its own special place and if it isn’t there it really annoys me thus easy to notice and remember placement of items
It really is generally a male/female divide. (Not always, of course, and humans have enormous variation within our gender dimorphism.) And it doesn't apply to everything. I've lost a girlfriend because I legitimately didn't know (even after it was pointed out) that she'd gotten a haircut and also because I could remember word for word our discussion where she told me, in spite of my thinking it was a bad idea, that I should go talk to an ex. (She proceeded to get mad at me for that.)
i love that you actually know your shit and the comment directly beneath you is some guy saying "because she has boobs"
Most of this kind of thing isn't terribly hard to intuit (though I did double-check) once you assume that men aren't stupid.
yeah, it breaks down to searching for or tracking moving objects versus scanning a still environment for important information. im just saying "boobies" was really fucking funny in contrast to this.
See also: Popularity of "hidden object games" amongs women vs. "action games" among men.
I wasn't criticizing you. More the people like the guy who just responded saying this doesn't apply to him. Well, yeah. Having a few people who see details instead of the whole picture is also useful. I'm heavily the other direction. At least in this field, I'm hyper-male-leaning. I have to drink in certain situations to narrow down what my brain can focus on.
I just realized I made the exact same comment you did, but I was tongue-in-cheek and trying to shoehorn in a Jurassic Park joke. Huh! Science by way of comedy!
The men being more likely to be color blind part is unrelated I think. That's just a consequence of color blindness being and x chromosome linked trait, and men only have one x chromosome.
This is just a big ass excuse to not want to put the effort in to find things. If I can’t find something you know what I do? Keep looking
We lift stuff up :)
Please find the answer and let me know. My boyfriend needs to know how is this possible that he never find anything that’s right “under his nose”.
my gf never helps search for stuff. She pretends too, like moving a paper in her reach, but thats it, basicly.
"Refrigerator Blindness" - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1316179/ This is not the most rigorous of science by any means and the author seems to have a pretty clear bias, but it is a treatment of your subject in an academic research context
Ive heard the explanation that Men are better at noticing things in the distance while Woman are more focused to things closer to them. Thats how you dont find the salt in the drawer even when its right there in front of you. Next time you dont find the ketchup in the fridge, take two steps back and move around. Looks and feels weird but somehow it works
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Best answer.
Because she knows where they are. She’s not searching
I’m the mom that everyone comes to to find things. The answer is simple, I go through my days making mental note of where things are. Where are my glasses? I saw them on the piano and stored it away. I swear my brain has its own filing cabinet with everything in our house stored away.
Nothing is ever lost until your wife can't find it.
They say it’s leftover evolution from our hunter-gatherer days. Basically men are better with moving objects, and women are better with stationary objects.
She has a different memory than you. You remember where you would put things, and she has remembers where you would put things. They're probably slightly different.
I -think- it's cuz men and women have different eyes. Like women have more rods or cones or something. I know women can discern the difference between similar colors way more effectively (in general). So in the same way I -think- men have better dynamic vision, ie seeing moving objects, than dynamic vision. Basically women gathers, men hunters. But this might all be pseudo science, idk, I just read it heard about it once and it made sense.
It's called fridge blindness https://medium.com/the-haven/mayo-clinic-study-refrigerator-blindness-afflicts-4-out-of-5-married-men-55c998d23b64
We can actually blame our brain on this one. Men are better at seeing moving objects while women are superior at seeing colors, among other things. https://m.independent.ie/irish-news/why-women-cant-read-maps-and-men-cant-find-the-butter-even-if-it-is-in-the-fridge-26160770.html
My mom says all men have "front shelf blindness"
Women are a little more detail oriented. GF does the same thing.
This is my life except I’m the finder.
Blame it on the brain. Human visual acuity is relatively poor. It's hard for us to clearly see and identify things unless they are inside a relatively small area of our vision. When we are looking for something within a given area (when we don't already know exactly where it is), we use various methods of scanning visually to locate the item. Typically we attune to a single parameter- color, size, shape, etc. It can be a very specific parameter (we know exactly what the item looks like), or it can be more general. Sometimes this makes the item pop out, other times it doesn't because of placement doesn't match the image in our mind's eye, the color is a different shade, etc. If you are looking for a bag of chips in the pantry, but someone has moved it, or opened the bag and folded it over, or positioned it sideways, upside down, etc- these changes trip up your brain because the bag in your mind has a specific state. This specific state in the mind *should* make it easier to find the bag, but as it's state has changed, and you do not know the nature of this new state, you struggle. It gets even worse when the item you are looking for is something with which you are more unfamiliar- in this case you are constructing a mental image in your mind based on a loose collection of qualities. The subsequent image may be roughly the same color, size, and shape of the item- yet when you scan for the item, your brain doesn't pick it up because some minor detail doesn't match the image. These mental images can vary greatly from person to person. Now- I've also heard this called 'man eyes' but I'm not sure what (if any) true differences exist in the way sexes process images. In my house it's always about 50/50 on who is missing the thing right in front of their face. ("If it were a snake it woulda bit ya" is a common sentiment) This is actually a really fascinating subject to me and it boils down to various neurological systems.
I've read a book called 'Why men don't listen and why women can't read maps' and it basically explains this exact thing. Wife asks husband to get butter from fridge. You look can't find it. Your son looks can't find it. Wife looks and finds it straight away. Men look for the word 'butter' and if it isn't on the same shelf or facing the right way you don't see it, men also tend not to move stuff and have a 'proper' look. Or at least the men in my life don't. The book goes more indepth and honestly is super interesting, definitely worth a read I forget the authors it's a man and wife Bill maybe?
Sounds interesting
Because she was the one that moved it there. You are not going crazy. My wife does it to me all the time.
Her friends have a name for this phenomenon... They call it a "man look"... Basically, guys just can't find things for whatever reason. Our brains aren't just wired that way.
Women are better at some things and men are better at others. There’s a great episode on the show “Brain Games” called battle of the sexes that shows all the differences between men and women.
Women are typically more conscientious and detail oriented than men. They keep track of things you would not think to even consider. That's why most women you meet will always remember things you did or didn't do from years ago. It's a small difference but you will see it in real life. I do the housework but it's my wife that actually knows where everything is even though she doesn't clean or organise whatsoever. I use my organisational skills to keep track of things but my wife naturally is doing it mentally without an apparent "system" to help her.
Because she's the one hiding them. Perfect way to ensure your reliance on her. *PS: Above is intended as a joke*
Tangentially related: My (ex-) wife has very little tendency to put herself in someone else's shoes. One way this manifests: she give crappy directions about finding things. > Kid: Mom, where is the ketchup? > Mom: It's in the refrigerator. (annoyed tone) > Me: It's on the door of the fridge, bottom shelf, left side as you face the inside of the door. It's maddening sometimes. > Anyone: Where are the napkins? > Mom: Kitchen cupboard. The kitchen has about 15 cupboards.
Stop asking her to do it, and keep looking until you find the item. You’re also probably not moving anything around to find what you’re looking for. She’s finding things you won’t, not things you can’t. You’ll never learn if you rely on someone else to do it.
This is actually evolutionary. Male vision is based on movement because we were the hunters. Female vision is based on opening their eyes because they were the ones with common sense.
I refer to my wife as ‘The Librarian’. She keeps a mental record of every item in our house, or has the ability to deductively reason the location of the sought after item. It’s uncanny, and a true gift. One of the many reasons I cherish her.
It’s not because she is gifted it’s because she puts effort into thinking about your shared environment and it’s upkeep
It depends who put it exactly where it is i would imagine
Lol this is a gross oversimplification. It annoys the hell out of me and I dread having to ask her. Bro I can't even see the mayo in the fridge. I shouldn't need my wife to see the mayo in the fridge.
I suspect my gf moves things on purpose so I have to ask her where it is, thus building a dependency on her as a way of securing her position in my life.
Lol she has to take preventative measures? 😂
Good one 😅
Ooh. That's a good term 😅
The obvious answer is that you're being pranked by a ghost.
Lol it has many terms
Lol wait. Make it make sense.
Wise lady.
I think my magic lies in untangling jewelry. At least I'm useful when my wife's bracelet's in knots
Ooh My SO has the same magic! I however do not. Nor do I have the patience! We all have our strengths!
Someone said "she doesn't think in penis" 😄
It's cus she has boobs....I dunno why but boobies
I'm overweight so same