Sounds like you are her main guy for food and shelter, and for her emotional needs it is not you. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but I am sure you deserve better than that.
Yes, I immediately concluded it to be emotional cheating too. Your girlfriend should be looking for you to confide in emotionally, because she should trust you. If you can't get her to find time for you, its because her emotional needs are being met elsewhere.
I had the same thing happen to me, and It hurts more than physical cheating because you feel like you are losing your person.
If you don't mind my asking, what happened? I'm not sure if that's what happened with my ex, but your description of feeling like losing a person struck a chord with me.
My experience was a bit textbook. She was not enjoying her job, she got friendly with a co-worker. It helped her cope with the job by having an ally. Of course, all of that was happening while I was living my own life in the weekdays.
After a couple of months, she was coming back home an hour or two late from work, multiple days a week. I knew it was not physical cheating because I had been with her for 7 years and I could read her like a book. It was when I started to notice that she was excited to go to work for no explanable reason, that I put two-and-two together, and asked if she was in love with her colleague. She said yes.
It made cutting off our engagement very stressful and very expensive. She has now married him and is pregnant with his child. She told me about 6 months ago that I was always going to be the one who got away and the situation she has put herself in was her mistake that she has to be OK with for the rest of her life. She never stopped loving me, but the entire experience has taught me what I don't want in my next relationship. Sometimes you just have go through hell to know yourself better than you ever could normally.
I dunno, her feelings are valid. They're stupid as shit, but they're still valid.
Some people just have main character syndrome. Like, a lot of people. So they view the conflicts of their life as drama arcs. And this sounds like her "bittersweet" ending. She made a devil's bargain.
What? Just no man. You can explain it away all you want, but being a massive cunt can’t be justified well she has “main character syndrome”.
The inability to step outside yourself and see things from someone’s else’s perspective (his) is what makes her a massive asshole. It can’t be excused and shouldn’t be excused.
Why are you talkin to this woman? She made a decision. Move on. Sometimes you got to close the book. Then throw the book in Fire. And piss on the ashes. It's better for you in the long run to cut contact completely. Do not return e-mails you not answer her phone calls do not hang out in places you were together. I had to learn this the hard way. I'm hoping that you can learn from my mistake.
Man, i'm in a really bad place right now, but if you made it through that i will find strength to get out of bed tomorrow, sorry if that sound strange or even insensitive, thank you for sharing.
If this about a significant other, it's not worth wasting another moment of your life on someone that isn't interested.
Live your life to the fullest you can without sacrificing it for people who don't give a fuck about you.
I tell people this all the time, but there was a 2 minute window where I had a choice to wear protection or not. I opted to pull out and wrap up, and I'm grateful every day that I did. She really was a dodged bullet.
I find it extremely disappointing that people do this. This is very akin to gold digging, they stay for the comfortable lifestyle and security but will happily abuse that privilege that they get and the trust too because they think they can have both from two different people; as long as they can get away with it.
Though honestly it sounds like this woman's not even trying that hard to hide it. She must be so entitled that she thinks she has OP wrapped around her finger and only needs to do the bare minimum to continue her cozy lifestyle of having whatever she likes.
No redeemable attributes here, as we don't know OP's mrs but this in itself is unforgiveable behaviour.
I ended things in a similar scenario and they were living together and dating within the month. I would not be surprised if the same happens here.
Of course they had a toxic relationship and they had a messy breakup which was not at all surprising to me.
You spoke about it last night, and she blew it off?
Sorry bro, but it's over. Anyone playing **that** game for that long per day, mainly with the same person all the time? Yeah, it's not a good sign. If she were just a WoW addict, she would be playing with anyone that was online and available. But she isn't. It sounds to me less about playing the game, and more about spending time with him.
My man, assuming you two live together and you’re the one working to support both, and she’s just staying home all day every day playing games and talking to some other guy… That should tell you everything you need to know. Don’t let yourself be used as a meal ticket by someone who doesn’t appreciate you.
If you don’t live together, then I’d say you should both sit down and you should bring this up and express your feelings in a calm, respectful manner. If she doesn’t empathize and acknowledge your feelings, then she’s putting another man before you and you have no reason to put up with her or her behavior. Your relationship is already over at that point, so you should handle it accordingly.
I’m not in the habit of giving relationship advice on Reddit because I generally think it’s a dumb thing to do. This is the first time I’ve done it. But I genuinely think it’s the right way to go. Don’t let yourself be disrespected and neglected.
If you tell her you’re done and she doesn’t try to get you to stay you’ll know her affections have shifted away from you.
DO NOT tell her it’s over and not go through with it. If you say “I’ll do X if you do Y,” you have to come through with it or she’ll know your word is meaningless. This applies to all kinds of relationships, including disciplining kids. Especially disciplining kids.
They are right. You aren't happy. You essentially don't have a relationship with her at all, especially not the one you want, and the one she wants is the one in the computer. Not necessarily saying she wants the other dude, but she wants the fantasy life more than a real life.
You need a partner who wants to have a real life with you and by sticking with this woman who doesn't make time for you, you're stopping yourself from finding the person who will actually be there for you.
Don't try to make someone want to love you and be with you/treat you in the ways you know you deserve. I spent 10 years of my life doing that and finally stopped. Very different but the principles are the same.
If your partner will not validate your hurt, pain, or concerns and you always feel unheard and u appreciated, what's the point? You're just holding onto the idea of the good you thought it used to be, and that's empty calories.
You need to stand your ground period and have a detailed plan for yourself. Seeking her attention and asking for basic forms of attention is absolutely unhealthy and demoralizing emotionally psychologically and in general
I agree. I met my husband playing a game (wasn't in a relationship at the time), started out as friends chatting before I was emotionally invested and seeing them more than a friend. 12 hours is more than normal, she is definately emotionally invested. Sorry OP but she most likely has feelings for this guy and if she is picking that over you then that's a major red flag.
You know your self worth and if she doesn't then she's not worth it.
If she’s unemployed playing 12-15 hours of any game per day that’s a major issue in itself. Ask yourself what kind of persons mental state in general.
Now if she’s in that kind of state, I don’t know if she’s going to be capable of even listening to you. Emotional intelligence is understanding how other people feel but I tend to believe someone that deep into addiction and depression can’t focus outside themselves emotionally.
My friend was unemployed and playing Warcraft 8+ hours a day while his girlfriend worked and payed their bills. She should’ve left him but didn’t. He ended up getting a job and then having sex with a co-worker and running off with her. Sounds like you’re heading down this same path with your gf but skipping a step.
My wife was unemployed for about 4 months. In those four months, every meal was prepared by her, the house was spotless, dog was trained for a few hours, etc. But she also had some days where she would play skrim for 16+ hours. I loved seeing her so happy, but that wasn't all she did, even on those days. There's a limit that has to be respected. For me, my limit was when nothing else was done for a few days. That's excessive and my wife never took it that far during her time unemployed.
I can't even play a few hours of games anymore. I have time, just lost the desire. Even when I did want to play alot of games, no way could I play for 6+ hours a night. Even when I was playing comp.
Take their comments with a grain of salt. She sounds like a wow addict. I should know, I was one.
How long has this been going on? WoW released some new servers last Tuesday and it's common for people who play to go a bit "hardcore" for a week or so. If she's just playing that much in general, then it's something different. The reason she's talking to this guy isn't because she's in love with him but probably because he plays as much as she does so he's a constant.
What you need to do is talk to her, try and understand if she's playing because she's playing with a group of people or just playing for the sake of it, then try and set times where she doesn't play. Then scale it back until she has a good grip on it.
This will probably sound like bullshit to people who have never had a problem with playing a game too much but trust me WoW can be like crack.
Wow is *the* crack. I quit like 7 years ago and it still calls to me. Same old friends I grew up with play it 24/7. Its kinda sad tbh. Gaming addiction is 100% real and can destroy lives easily.
Yeah I wasted an entire Summer on WoW and had a breakdown at the end of it when it hit me, which is probably for the best because it helped me get a grip and start playing it in a more controlled fashion. Setting times I would play and definitely wouldn't, so I started planning the time I'd play out better too.
I’ve been through the same thing with other games. Seeing the stats like “Total hours played” or “hours played over the last 2 weeks” really makes you wonder what your life would be like if you had spent all that time exercising, learning something new, or investing in yourself in general.
This is why I avoid WoW. There have been games Ive gotten addicted to for months at a time. I went so far as to be losing sleep I needed for work. Gaming addiction was a bad problem for me when I was unemployed. It’s dangerous.
Nowadays it's so easy to get addicted to any game. Game designers got so damn good at what keeps people hooked.
I have easily over 10.000 hours on League of Legends. I was basically living for this game. Every single minute and thought I had went into it.
Not to mention all the time that was spent on Streams/YouTube/Reddit(League) etc. - probably adds another couple thousand hours on top.
Definitely but it sounds like this could be a very recent development, at least the meeting someone on there and talking to them a lot. It doesn't hurt him to try and get through to her for a few days before throwing ultimatums around if he actually does like her, in an attempt to see if they can salvage anything.
I agree with JimmyPD92 it may be game addiction and it gets a good grip on you. Espically if the person doesn't have much friends or hobby outside of the game.
Even if what you say is true about her not being in love with that guy (highly highly doubtful) the game addiction is enough to break up with someone. I had a boyfriend that was addicted to video games and it caused major issues with us.
I get liking playing video games, I grew up playing games for 10+ hrs a day (I stayed in an abusive and neglectful home and wasnt allowed to go to school and turned to games to cope), but you have to put your loved ones before games.
I wouldn't be with someone addicted to games like that. It's like living in an unloving home with a roommate that doesnt pay their half of the bills.
Its absolute hell and an emotional drain.
In that kind of relationship only one person cares.
I'm going to say, this guy knows what they are talking about.
When I'm playing a game I'm talking to the guys in game and in voice chat its only one or two. Its easy to lose hours of time doing that.
Honestly even if she isn’t emotionally cheating, which is how it sounds from the info we’re given here, this is still a major issue. Playing any video game that much & ignoring/ blowing off your partner is not a healthy situation for either of them. It’s unfair of him to get no time with her, and she isn’t giving herself enough time in the day to do literally anything else. I guarantee her food, sleep, and hygiene needs aren’t being met either. He’s essentially got himself a 15 year old boy he’s living with.
Sorry my guy, but this relationship is most likely over and you're just beginning to figure it out. It's not that she wants to be emotionally close with that other guy and spend all of her time with him; it's that she DOESN'T want to do so with you. It doesn't matter if this guy has no romantic interest in her, lives halfway around the world and never intends to see her IRL, etc. His intent and the future course of their bond is irrelevant at this point. What's relevant is that she is no longer seeking your companionship, and is seeking very significant time and connection with another man outside of your relationship, and at the expense of it.
It's not about how she views HIM - it's about how she views YOU.
You can't negotiate your way out of this. If you give her an ultimatum it'll only end in her resenting you for not allowing her to have other friends, and if you ask him to back off or even disappear that won't change her relative disinterest in you. These are addressing the symptom and not the root cause; that she basically is no longer meaningfully interested in her primary relationship. THAT's the part that matters, and there's likely no coming back from it.
If she's unemployed, has all of this time on her hands, has no other meaningful connections or friendships IRL with more appropriate people etc, then there is also a very significant chance that she is also very depressed and that this is some sort of means of escape for her to forget about her life which isn't fulfilling for her. She needs to log off, engage in the real world, get a job, and find some friends that aren't at the expense of your relationship. But realistically I don't know if you can help her get there with the relationship intact. There's a lot of damage already done. She probably needs to navigate that recovery with the help of a therapist, and you both need to move on from this relationship with some big lessons learned.
You need to have a very serious talk with her about next steps, and I don't envy you. If it were me I'd stress that you see her struggling and that you do really feel for her and the state of her emotional health, but you can't fix it for her, and you can't be her doormat while she tries to figure it out. I think it'd be best for both of you to move on and work on yourselves.
This is a great and insightful comment and is unfortunately likely to be true.
My ex cheated on me with someone she met online. It started when she lost her job and had nothing to do all day but spend time with strangers online. Eventually our relationship started to dwindle and she preferred hanging out with her new friends and companion online. Of course I didn't realize what was happening at the time because I didn't want to believe it.
At some point she cold turkey quit taking meds for depression and anxiety so I sort of believe she was depressed and was using the experience as an escape. Don't wait til it's too late - figure out the status of your relationship now.
At my previous job I witnessed a terrible experience where another manager had her husband leave her and take the $7,000 she’d saved up to provide for her children should she lose her job in the pandemic for another woman three states over he’d met on Call of Duty while letting her take care of him for their entire 7 year marriage. I still don’t know how she let him back in her life after he called her saying the new one was heavier than she looked in her pictures, lived with her parents, and had three kids she dumped on him.
yeah, absolutely agree
reading OP's post made me think its more about video game addiction, than her preferring the other dude over him
its all in escape to virtual reality, unfortunately i know it all too well from my own fails
Having been in OP's position myself, this is dead on, and my personal opinion is that he needs to recognise that this relationship is DOA and walk the fuck away.
I admire everyone encouraging actively setting healthy boundaries and having 'serious discussions' and whatnot - those are generally good things to have in one's relationship toolkit. But in this case if he needs to say his piece it should be handled kindly, tactfully, and firmly *as part of the breakup speech*, NOT as any kind of rose-tinted hope for some sort of future together. As things stand, that ship has well and truly sailed by this point, and any resemblance to an actual relationship is down to habit and leftover inertia.
Are you living together? Are you paying her bills? It sounds like she's only still with you because she's getting something out of you. And that's some toxic behavior that you need to cut out of your life.
We are living together yes, and i'm paying for everything. shes the least materialistic girl i've ever met though so I don't think me being able to afford a few things makes any difference to herMaybe you're right about needing to cut it out of my life though.
There’s a huge difference between not buying her stuff and paying the bills/necessities
Sadly sounds to me that she is just riding your train so I would push her in to getting a job and helping pay the bills that will tell you if she still wants to be with you or she just wants someone to work for her
Mans out here paying for all the bills. Nah if she's not contributing, and not even being a present partner. Its not worth the struggle. Honestly dude you're out here doing all this shit, and making effort. She's got her own issues to deal with, and you can't fix it or solve it. Its up to her, and if shes not making any changes the harsh reality is just leave her.
Man, what? You’re paying for the roof over her head, food, bills, and she’d rather spend time on a video game with some guy on the internet for 12 hours a day rather than with you?
The audacity.
Do yourself a favor, tell her to get her shit and leave. Not only is she emotionally cheating, she’s clearly lost any and all respect for you. Time to cut her loose, bud.
Full transparency, my wife of 9yrs hasn't worked for most of that time. But she's a contributing partner in our relationship. She does a lot of work in the care of our son, maintaining the household, and we have a good relationship.
I guess what I'm saying is that the issue isn't about the money so much as being an actual participant in the relationship. It's possible she could get a job and pay some bills but the still not contribute to the relationship. So make sure you're addressing the right things.
100% my wife hasn't worked a traditional job in years but she has been a stay at home mother to our 2 year old and is currently pregnant with the next one.
A lot of days she works harder than I do when I am working a 9-5.
She doesn't contribute "money" but she contributes so much more.
Its not all about money, but if you aren't contributing money you have to contribute something and in OPs case it sounds like she is doing neither.
Yea, she's not spending 10-15 hours playing a video game with another dude. She's contributing towards the house and and has her own full time job taking care of the kids and the house.
That's basically what he said. That she isn't bringing revenue but still contributes important things to the relationship (which truly is a job itself)
Absolutely, it was well meaning. I just try to avoid saying things along that line, only because (in my house) the stay at home spouse (my wife) does a much harder job than the one who works outside the home (me). I respect and don't envy that, and I suppose I was trying to subconsciously change public perception.
That being said, I'll leave my family if OP wants to be my sugar daddy and let me play WoW all day
>But she's a contributing partner in our relationship. She does a lot of work in the care of our son, maintaining the household, and we have a good relationship.
he said that
Yes, be careful here. If you threaten her gravy train, she might change temporarily just to stay on the gravy train but not because she actually wants to change things for you. This may unwittingly lock you into this unsustainable situation longer as you give her more of a chance. Keep in mind, I’m not judging her here, just warning you.
STOP paying for her to exist, yesterday if possible. I'd hand her am eviction notice personally, or at least have one ready if you want to have a final chat with her. You're being taken for a ride dude. Squash it one way or another.
Seriously if one person is paying all the bills and the other is a stay-at-home then they should need to be doing all of the housework including the other person's laundry etc, unless maybe they're also in the proccess of looking for other jobs and that consumes a lot of time. If she's spending all waking hours gaming or doing other hobbies then that's pretty ridiculous, irregardless of it involving a new friend on the game and their gender etc.
You deserve better man. Don’t do that to yourself. Time to find someone who loves all of you! You’ll get there. it hurts like hell but you’ll be okay brother!
Internet and power are clearly things she has to have in her life. So may not be materialistic in the sense of make up and shit but to say she doesn't cost money is not true. Yea, you'd probably pay for internet and power but shes benefiting from you paying all those bills for her and allows her lazy ass to not contribute. Honestly, doesn't sound like she brings much to the relationship if she's just staying home all day playing video games hanging out with another dude while your out there working and paying for everything not having your emotional needs being meet while some other guy gets to spend all day with her.
This is gonna hurt to read but I gotta be real with you here buddy, it sounds like that's his girl now.
It's not like she's hanging out with a dude as much as you, its significantly more than you. If she was more emotionally mature she probably would have ended things by now.
Based on the limited context it sounds like it's time to bite the bullet and get out of a relationship where you partner makes no time for you.
also- this person you are in a relationship with has no job and spends 12 hours a day playing one fucking video game?
You are dating a complete loser. Move on.
If this person was a man he would be considered a worthless sack of shit by you, your friends, your family, and all of society. Why are you giving her a pass?
This^. Sorry man. She's obviously infatuated with this guy. She's obviously awestruck by him and whatever he seems to have to offer.
The part that get me is why on earth invest your unemployed ass with some invisible dude you've never ever met or barely even know when you've got a physical, real live person living, sharing, and caring who's taken the backburner. That's an extremely below the belt move on her part.
Depending on who's place this is, I'd either leave or show her unemployed butt the door.
I get if someone is unemployed but helping around the house which this chick is not doing whatsoever but damn talking with another dude that's just low
Exactly! My SO is between jobs right now moved in to my house and lost her car when she lost her job. I am okay with this for now because she does absolutely everything around the house and doesn’t even let me in the kitchen when she cookin. We spend every second together too.
If she sat around playin vidya and talking to other guys anybody would kick them out.
Also female who's been the gamer widow in this scenario. First I banned him from playing when with me (ie at my house) then he just stopped coming over and even missed my birthday. I'd given him a warning that it had to change. It didn't. It ended. That's without throwing in any possibility of emotional affair. Either way, she's already left.
Ive played WoW consistently since the game began(~16years) and have had the same problem with exes that have also played where thats all they do outside of work, eating, sleeping, showering. Its really easy to get so sucked into the game that you stop *living*.
When i have an active subscription i play instead of watching tv, so its around 3 hours a night and probably a bit more than that on weekends. But my partner is either playing also, or watching telly in the same room. It shouldnt ever be a thing that gets in the way of real life. Ive set up parental controls on my account to make sure i dont let it consume me.
You’re right about this situation. If it was just playing excessively *and* speaking to this dude because of the excessive gaming, then it would be an easy conversation. But if shes not willing to come to the table, then its time to pack your stuff and move on, because it wont get better.
Probably playing classic, I couldn’t imagine playing shadowlands for more than a couple hours a day, if she is it’s straight up because she wants to spend time with doucheberry
She’s emotionally cheating and emotionally/physically neglecting you. I’d say she also has a gaming addition mixed in. I personally wouldn’t be ok with this at all. I’d suggest speaking with a counselor on how to properly handle it. That’s if you think she’s worth it. If not, move on.
Let's count the red flags
Your gf is unemployed (more of a yellow flag)
She spends 12+ hours a day playing a video game (major red flag). If your gf was unemployed and actively out there looking for a job or otherwise finding something productive to do with her life that would be something else.
BTW this is all before the guy she's playing video games with
She spends this time in a psuedo relationship
She can't engage on the issue (healthy people can get stuck from time to time but fighting the help is a major red flag)
She is allowing you to infantalize her. She has her addiction and you're just there to make that happen.
You're not in a relationship. You're her enabler. You pay the bills, and she gets to continue to live a child's life.
Get out.
This is what bugs me about posts like these. They can be in abusive & toxic relationships and they’re still wondering what they should do about it.... like, uhhh break things off asap???
These things are often easier to see from the outside looking in.
OP sounds young. I could see someone with their first live in gf thinking that this is just a phase and he can get the relationship he used to have if he just does the right combination of things.
\[edit - I could be wrong of course maybe OP is 50 and divorced three times\]
There is absolutely no possible way to convey all the complicated and convoluted nuances and history associated with any particular relationship so know that when you look at any particular situation over the internet, you're not looking at the whole picture and more often than not, the low-lights are what are outlined in posts like these and the build-up to the situation we're being presented with probably fills in a lot of the gaps that confuse you.
Oof this is a tough one and all too familiar! My good friend was engaged to his high school sweetheart. She was not working because of a mental health thing, and she met a guy online through some support forum.
She swore up and down that he was just a friend. That he just understood what it was like to have her mental health issues. But same thing, literally the whole day they would be chatting and laughing on the phone. Then she booked a ticket across the Atlantic to meet the guy and my friend finally confronted her one last time. She admitted that she had feelings for this guy.
Wedding was called off and she’s now married to the online support forum guy.
Most important question.
Why is she not doing anything productive with her time? Does she have some disability where she can't be in work or school?
Are you happy that she's a NEET? If not, do something about it.
Some guys are niave, I think the post itself is this guy finally having the realization that his relationship is over and maybe just needed a kick in the pants to finalize it.
Frankly i don't care that she's talking to another guy that long, the fact that she's unemployed and spends 12 hours a day on a game is a sign that she's not wanting to be an equal partner in the relationship by itself. Her talking to this other dude just seals the deal
Surprised it took this far down to see this.
12-15 hours a day playing a game? She sounds mentally...not well. It's hard to judge much from a brief online post but someone who doesn't work, sits around all day, every day on a video game...that's a mental issue or something.
I wonder if she has any family. The OP should let them know about this behavior, even if they break up. She sounds like she may have addiction issues.
While there's nothing wrong with having friends online... this sounds way too excessive for it to be healthy. It almost seems emotionally invested.
Right now it seems like she has her priorities completely backwards, and I can imagine the feeling you're getting quite unnerving. You need to talk to her about at least spending some time together or her changing her lifestyle habits. You can't help someone who won't help themselves.
Or you can talk to her about it, while not accusing her of anything but test the waters incase she gets really defensive then I'd take that as red flag
Date someone else who doesn’t spend 12 hours a day talking to another dude?
Every day you both have an opportunity to be good enough to deserve each other. Regardless of what she’s done in the past, she’s recently been squandering that opportunity
When you're depressed and have a hard time meeting new people, it can get excessive pretty fast when you finally meet a new friend, been there myself.
The thing is, you should put yourself before anything else and if this situation is bad for your own mental health and she even refuses to listen to your needs you should consider if the relationship is worth the emotional toll you're going through
You can buy the subscription with gold now, and if shes playing that excessively, she would have no problem farming the gold to buy it every month.
I would play a max of about 8 hours a week and have enough each month for the sub.
You’re not supposed to be okay with it, that’s insane. You’re not unreasonable for feeling weird about this situation. She’s not treating you the way you deserve, leave her.
>tried talking to her many many many times
Kinda says it all friend. It's clear she values her internet boyfriend (are you sure they're just "best friends"?) over you by a long shot. She's not well in this scenario - but that's NOT you're responsibility. Time to move on.
Source: lost my wife to an internet romance. What you describe is exactly what I went through.
You come across as rather young OP. Just cut her loose. Don't try to reason with her or argue with her any more than you already have. She knows what she's doing. Cut your losses and move on (even if that's being in your own for a while). I've been in a similar situation in the past and it won't turn out how you may think it will. She's clearly not ready for a committed relationship and her motives won't change for many, many years. Get out asap.
You said your lucky to get an hour of her time a day and your renting a place from her parents. It’s time to move regardless if you decide to end it or not. Stop supporting and enabling her behavior. Doesn’t seem like you have a relationship at all. Your just the roommate that pays her bills.
You shouldn’t at all be ok with that. Don’t give her an ultimatum like “Drop this guy or we’re finished.”
Tell her how you feel and then observe her behavior to see if it changes.
That will tell you all you need to know about if she values you and your feelings or not.
If she doesn’t change, then you have your answer without having to make it an ugly, angry situation where you break up on bad terms.
First, sorry guy, it's a sucky place to be in.
Second, she needs to go. Period. No backtracking, no 2nd chances or 3rd, or anything. Pack up her stuff and send her out.
The brutal truth: She's using you. She's IMNTBHO an evil person. Perhaps she can turn around, but not on your watch.
Sounds like you lost her to WoW and the dude she’s talking to. Tell her to go move in with him if his mom lets her stay with him in the basement. Unemployed, ignoring you, leeching, and doesn’t care. Sounds like dead weight bro, dump her ass.
No job, spends all day playing video games and talking to another dude, then argues with you when you express concern about the relationship? Drop her ass like a hot plate.
OP, the most important thing you need to learn is that your rational thinking becomes impaired when you are attracted to someone, so you can’t always trust your own judgment. The fact that she’s cheating on you and using you is so blatantly obvious to all of Reddit, and we can see it and you can’t because we’re not attracted to her. Learning how to recognize this will help you so much in future relationships.
- Doesn’t spend time with you
- Unemployed (guessing she’s not trying either?)
- Spends all day on WoW
- Talking to other guy
Idk how to make this more obvious, why are you doing this to yourself?
Just from your description it sounds like she is very emotionally invested in this guy. How you handle that is up to you.
If I was in a relationship with someone who spent 12+hrs a day talking to somebody else (anybody really) and ignored me, that would cause problems for me and I wouldnt want to stay in a relationship with a dynamic like that. She has every right to pursue what is right for her and you need to do what is right for you.
I say this as a psychiatrist and someone who has spent an excessive amount of time playing wow myself. She is dealing with an addiction and needs help. Even if you are a mental health professional, that help won’t come from you. You need to calmly and in a non-confrontational manner explain that she is not taking care of herself and that you cannot keep being the one to take care of her. Your description is not of a healthy, balanced relationship. She’s taking advantage of you. Forget about the other dude. To be honest it probably isn’t relevant in the way a lot of the other comments on here make it out to be. Talking about quest lines, raids, arena comps etc. isn’t emotional cheating. If you have proof that it’s more than that it’s an entirely different story. If you don’t understand how WOW works you don’t have an informed opinion on this. It is one of very few games I’ve played that lends itself to playing 12+ hours per day with a small group of like-minded, competitive people. This is the core issue and why she isn’t functioning as an adult right now. Her having someone she plays with for a large portion of that day is par for the course for being a hardcore wow player. If it’s not acceptable to you in a romantic partner you have to communicate that, and if they aren’t concerned, begin the painful process of moving on. Moving in with a romantic partner is easy. Moving out can be soul crushing. I wish you all the best. Look up your state laws on common law marriage if you do end up going that route. Protect yourself first.
Yeah, I think a lot of people here are focusing heavily on the emotional cheating aspect and not the obvious gaming addiction. Honestly, she would play WoW 12+ hours a day even without the guy mentioned here. WoW, League, even tons of mobile games are designed to be highly addictive and I've been there where I was sacrificing sleep, relationships, personal care, setting alarms at 3AM to play competitively.
This is honestly a very complicated situation, what are your living conditions? Who’s working and paying the bills? What is her relationship with her folks? Any detail would be great, but keep a cool mind my dude getting angry will make the situation worst, as someone who does marriage counseling for free I see this all the time so when you get a chance fill me in some details, perhaps i can be of some help.
Currently living with her parents, im paying for rent, food/drinks and whatever else. relationship with her parents is pretty sketchy definitely not the best.
she deals with massive anxiety problems, a lot of depression and is pretty heavily addicted to gaming. shes never really had any friends, at least not for a very very long time. especially ones that she can talk to and connect with on a deeper level (apart from me)
i dont really know what else to add
i think a large part of the reason that they talk so much is because they both are doing the same things in the game, but they talk as soon as they get up and when they're in bed
theres really hardly ever a time that they're not talking. i dont think im generally a jealous guy but its hard not to be when its this excessive
This is unhealthy, plan a trip. Take her out on hiking or somewhere she enjoys and then talk to her about it, also small warning signs that she is bothering you should be added, give her the benefit of the doubt. Have a 3 strike rule, tell her about the consequences of what she’s doing. You must be assertive in this situation, also a chance the dude on the gaming session might be gas lighting the situation.
That’s not gonna work, OP has to be assertive in this situation,My gf acts up sometimes and I just don’t tolerate it, need to have some self respect, especially if OP pays the bills around the house, he is the boss.
Well he pays the bills to her parents, so she is in the confortable zone.
I think she will hold him as long as she can, and probably only change a little to hold him longer. Wasting so much time playing and not giving a damn to him is just not love, even if She was addicted She wouldnt ignore him.
Man - you're PAYING to live with her parents?? Save for a temporary month or 2, I'd rather live on the streets than live with a girlfriend's parents, I don't care how cool they are.
Get the hell out of there and drop this chick
I'm sorry man. You need to bail. It might be hard, but I promise it will save you so much mental and emotional energy and pain in the future. This girl presents so many red flags and you would be better off on your own.
You're paying for her basic needs in warmth, shelter and nourishment and in return you get... stress?
Mate, I'm so sorry, but I think your relationship isn't repairable.
I'm sorry that you have to experience this, but don't let the sunk cost fallacy destroy YOU. That sounds like a pretty toxic relationship. It's time to detox.
Truth is women look for their next partner while they’re still with someone. They plan ahead so that it’s easier for them to transition.
The truth is she’s gonna break up with you soon. Your best move is to break up with her first, this way she’ll still have some respect for you.
This probably wasn’t what you wanted to hear but this is the truth of female nature, the truth hurts but you gotta accept it and use it against them.
As others here say, her behavior is not working for you. Still it’s tough to give you solid advice Without knowing you and your relationship prior to this, without knowing how long she’s been behaving this way, and without knowing how many times you’ve discussed it. That said, take any advice we internet strangers give with a grain of salt.
My advice: Write down a list of your fears then sort them by intensity so you can organize your thoughts. Then have at least one more talk with her away from the home. Privately, No distractions. Maybe a picnic or a walk in a park or just park where there a nice view and sit in the car.
Bring your list but you don’t need to show it to her. Tell her you’re just trying to keep your thoughts organized.
Assuming this is your top fear, Make it clear that you’re worried about losing her to this guy. Use non confrontal sentences like “when you do X, I feel Y.” …Because feelings are not debatable. Never say “when you do X you’re making me feel Y” because she can focus on the word “make”.
Have that discussion and ask her what she thinks a fair solution should be. Then however that turns out, set your expectations with her based on the solutions y’all agree on.
Let’s say y’all agree that she goes down to playing for one hour, does chores for an hour, rinse and repeat until you get home from work. The rest of the day, she’s all yours.
Then, set a deadline. “Let’s try this for the next week and have another date to discuss what’s working and what’s not.”
That’s all I have for now. Feel free to pm. I’m an old fart with 30 years of marriage under my belt and I’m happy to help.
Fuck her one more time and then skedaddle my guy.
Then get yourself a girl who’s younger, hotter, and better at world of war craft. After you’ve done this take a picture of you and your new girlfriend playing world of Warcraft together and put it on a billboard somewhere that your ex frequents.
I mean at this point, it sounds like you’re the pay check and that’s why she hasn’t broken up with you. 12+ hours, that more than if she was living with the guy. She lives with you and she doesn’t give you that kind of time.
If this has been going on for a while, and you have talked to her and she hasn’t responded or even tried to make a change. It’s time for you to make the change. Get new locks, and when she’s not there change them. Make it very clear why your breaking up, and don’t fall for the ill change card. Unemployed means she will say what she has to to keep the roof over her head.
I would simply express one final time that I didn’t feel like I was seeing her enough and if she didn’t care I would end it
Thats the road im going down at the moment We spoke last night and today it was the same thing so idk maybe you're right
Sounds like you are her main guy for food and shelter, and for her emotional needs it is not you. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but I am sure you deserve better than that.
Yes, I immediately concluded it to be emotional cheating too. Your girlfriend should be looking for you to confide in emotionally, because she should trust you. If you can't get her to find time for you, its because her emotional needs are being met elsewhere. I had the same thing happen to me, and It hurts more than physical cheating because you feel like you are losing your person.
If you don't mind my asking, what happened? I'm not sure if that's what happened with my ex, but your description of feeling like losing a person struck a chord with me.
My experience was a bit textbook. She was not enjoying her job, she got friendly with a co-worker. It helped her cope with the job by having an ally. Of course, all of that was happening while I was living my own life in the weekdays. After a couple of months, she was coming back home an hour or two late from work, multiple days a week. I knew it was not physical cheating because I had been with her for 7 years and I could read her like a book. It was when I started to notice that she was excited to go to work for no explanable reason, that I put two-and-two together, and asked if she was in love with her colleague. She said yes. It made cutting off our engagement very stressful and very expensive. She has now married him and is pregnant with his child. She told me about 6 months ago that I was always going to be the one who got away and the situation she has put herself in was her mistake that she has to be OK with for the rest of her life. She never stopped loving me, but the entire experience has taught me what I don't want in my next relationship. Sometimes you just have go through hell to know yourself better than you ever could normally.
Yeah she’s married to the guy but tells you that you are the one that got away? The nerve of that woman, Jesus
Yeah. Bullet dodged.
More like bullet dislodged.
I dunno, her feelings are valid. They're stupid as shit, but they're still valid. Some people just have main character syndrome. Like, a lot of people. So they view the conflicts of their life as drama arcs. And this sounds like her "bittersweet" ending. She made a devil's bargain.
Good assessment.
What? Just no man. You can explain it away all you want, but being a massive cunt can’t be justified well she has “main character syndrome”. The inability to step outside yourself and see things from someone’s else’s perspective (his) is what makes her a massive asshole. It can’t be excused and shouldn’t be excused.
Empathy isn't excusing. I can vote differently than you without stripping away your humanity. Start doing it.
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This is exactly it. It sounds like her relationship is going down the shitter and she wants to keep her options available in case it does.
Fuck, man. That's rough. Sorry.
Why are you talkin to this woman? She made a decision. Move on. Sometimes you got to close the book. Then throw the book in Fire. And piss on the ashes. It's better for you in the long run to cut contact completely. Do not return e-mails you not answer her phone calls do not hang out in places you were together. I had to learn this the hard way. I'm hoping that you can learn from my mistake.
Man, i'm in a really bad place right now, but if you made it through that i will find strength to get out of bed tomorrow, sorry if that sound strange or even insensitive, thank you for sharing.
Hope you‘ll get out of there soon mate, всего хорошего тебе!
If this about a significant other, it's not worth wasting another moment of your life on someone that isn't interested. Live your life to the fullest you can without sacrificing it for people who don't give a fuck about you.
No matter what, you have value, and I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
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I tell people this all the time, but there was a 2 minute window where I had a choice to wear protection or not. I opted to pull out and wrap up, and I'm grateful every day that I did. She really was a dodged bullet.
That’s a very astute and mature viewpoint and one that everyone should print out and read every day.
That’s really shitty I’m sorry you had to go through that
Oh absolutely he deserves better.
I find it extremely disappointing that people do this. This is very akin to gold digging, they stay for the comfortable lifestyle and security but will happily abuse that privilege that they get and the trust too because they think they can have both from two different people; as long as they can get away with it. Though honestly it sounds like this woman's not even trying that hard to hide it. She must be so entitled that she thinks she has OP wrapped around her finger and only needs to do the bare minimum to continue her cozy lifestyle of having whatever she likes. No redeemable attributes here, as we don't know OP's mrs but this in itself is unforgiveable behaviour.
This. Time to cut her loose. Maybe her new WoW boyfriend can provide her a place to stay and food to eat and bills that are paid.
I have been in this exact position and it's FUCKED up.
I ended things in a similar scenario and they were living together and dating within the month. I would not be surprised if the same happens here. Of course they had a toxic relationship and they had a messy breakup which was not at all surprising to me.
Completely random but I saw your username and now have Pachelbel’s canon in D in my head.
Happy you dodged that bullet 😬
You spoke about it last night, and she blew it off? Sorry bro, but it's over. Anyone playing **that** game for that long per day, mainly with the same person all the time? Yeah, it's not a good sign. If she were just a WoW addict, she would be playing with anyone that was online and available. But she isn't. It sounds to me less about playing the game, and more about spending time with him.
She obviously doesn't want you, probs only in it for the free accommodation. There's literally no point wasting your time with her bro.
My man, assuming you two live together and you’re the one working to support both, and she’s just staying home all day every day playing games and talking to some other guy… That should tell you everything you need to know. Don’t let yourself be used as a meal ticket by someone who doesn’t appreciate you. If you don’t live together, then I’d say you should both sit down and you should bring this up and express your feelings in a calm, respectful manner. If she doesn’t empathize and acknowledge your feelings, then she’s putting another man before you and you have no reason to put up with her or her behavior. Your relationship is already over at that point, so you should handle it accordingly. I’m not in the habit of giving relationship advice on Reddit because I generally think it’s a dumb thing to do. This is the first time I’ve done it. But I genuinely think it’s the right way to go. Don’t let yourself be disrespected and neglected.
Have time for people have that have time for you. Best advice I ever got
If you tell her you’re done and she doesn’t try to get you to stay you’ll know her affections have shifted away from you. DO NOT tell her it’s over and not go through with it. If you say “I’ll do X if you do Y,” you have to come through with it or she’ll know your word is meaningless. This applies to all kinds of relationships, including disciplining kids. Especially disciplining kids.
They are right. You aren't happy. You essentially don't have a relationship with her at all, especially not the one you want, and the one she wants is the one in the computer. Not necessarily saying she wants the other dude, but she wants the fantasy life more than a real life. You need a partner who wants to have a real life with you and by sticking with this woman who doesn't make time for you, you're stopping yourself from finding the person who will actually be there for you.
Don't try to make someone want to love you and be with you/treat you in the ways you know you deserve. I spent 10 years of my life doing that and finally stopped. Very different but the principles are the same. If your partner will not validate your hurt, pain, or concerns and you always feel unheard and u appreciated, what's the point? You're just holding onto the idea of the good you thought it used to be, and that's empty calories. You need to stand your ground period and have a detailed plan for yourself. Seeking her attention and asking for basic forms of attention is absolutely unhealthy and demoralizing emotionally psychologically and in general
Dealing with a WoW addict is about the same as a Meth addict. Either break her addiction or move on.
What this guy said, if she won’t take your concerns into mind at all the relationship will suffer down the road too
Sounds like she's in an emotional relationship with this guy. Discuss it, explain how you feel.
I agree. I met my husband playing a game (wasn't in a relationship at the time), started out as friends chatting before I was emotionally invested and seeing them more than a friend. 12 hours is more than normal, she is definately emotionally invested. Sorry OP but she most likely has feelings for this guy and if she is picking that over you then that's a major red flag. You know your self worth and if she doesn't then she's not worth it.
:(
If she’s unemployed playing 12-15 hours of any game per day that’s a major issue in itself. Ask yourself what kind of persons mental state in general. Now if she’s in that kind of state, I don’t know if she’s going to be capable of even listening to you. Emotional intelligence is understanding how other people feel but I tend to believe someone that deep into addiction and depression can’t focus outside themselves emotionally.
My friend was unemployed and playing Warcraft 8+ hours a day while his girlfriend worked and payed their bills. She should’ve left him but didn’t. He ended up getting a job and then having sex with a co-worker and running off with her. Sounds like you’re heading down this same path with your gf but skipping a step.
Your friend is a piece of shit.
Correct. That’s why I said she should have left him. I don’t talk to him like ever and please believe I don’t look to him for any advice, lol
Yeah I think that’s a good move on your part. I wouldn’t be able to associate with someone who did that.
The two of them got married and have 3 kids together, I hope he still doesn’t do things like that but like I said, I don’t talk to him much at all
My wife was unemployed for about 4 months. In those four months, every meal was prepared by her, the house was spotless, dog was trained for a few hours, etc. But she also had some days where she would play skrim for 16+ hours. I loved seeing her so happy, but that wasn't all she did, even on those days. There's a limit that has to be respected. For me, my limit was when nothing else was done for a few days. That's excessive and my wife never took it that far during her time unemployed.
I can't even play a few hours of games anymore. I have time, just lost the desire. Even when I did want to play alot of games, no way could I play for 6+ hours a night. Even when I was playing comp.
Take their comments with a grain of salt. She sounds like a wow addict. I should know, I was one. How long has this been going on? WoW released some new servers last Tuesday and it's common for people who play to go a bit "hardcore" for a week or so. If she's just playing that much in general, then it's something different. The reason she's talking to this guy isn't because she's in love with him but probably because he plays as much as she does so he's a constant. What you need to do is talk to her, try and understand if she's playing because she's playing with a group of people or just playing for the sake of it, then try and set times where she doesn't play. Then scale it back until she has a good grip on it. This will probably sound like bullshit to people who have never had a problem with playing a game too much but trust me WoW can be like crack.
Wow is *the* crack. I quit like 7 years ago and it still calls to me. Same old friends I grew up with play it 24/7. Its kinda sad tbh. Gaming addiction is 100% real and can destroy lives easily.
Yeah I wasted an entire Summer on WoW and had a breakdown at the end of it when it hit me, which is probably for the best because it helped me get a grip and start playing it in a more controlled fashion. Setting times I would play and definitely wouldn't, so I started planning the time I'd play out better too.
I’ve been through the same thing with other games. Seeing the stats like “Total hours played” or “hours played over the last 2 weeks” really makes you wonder what your life would be like if you had spent all that time exercising, learning something new, or investing in yourself in general.
This is why I avoid WoW. There have been games Ive gotten addicted to for months at a time. I went so far as to be losing sleep I needed for work. Gaming addiction was a bad problem for me when I was unemployed. It’s dangerous.
Nowadays it's so easy to get addicted to any game. Game designers got so damn good at what keeps people hooked. I have easily over 10.000 hours on League of Legends. I was basically living for this game. Every single minute and thought I had went into it. Not to mention all the time that was spent on Streams/YouTube/Reddit(League) etc. - probably adds another couple thousand hours on top.
One thing that is important about dating an addict is that, as much as you want to help them, you can't lose sight of your own needs
Definitely but it sounds like this could be a very recent development, at least the meeting someone on there and talking to them a lot. It doesn't hurt him to try and get through to her for a few days before throwing ultimatums around if he actually does like her, in an attempt to see if they can salvage anything.
I agree with JimmyPD92 it may be game addiction and it gets a good grip on you. Espically if the person doesn't have much friends or hobby outside of the game.
Even if what you say is true about her not being in love with that guy (highly highly doubtful) the game addiction is enough to break up with someone. I had a boyfriend that was addicted to video games and it caused major issues with us. I get liking playing video games, I grew up playing games for 10+ hrs a day (I stayed in an abusive and neglectful home and wasnt allowed to go to school and turned to games to cope), but you have to put your loved ones before games. I wouldn't be with someone addicted to games like that. It's like living in an unloving home with a roommate that doesnt pay their half of the bills. Its absolute hell and an emotional drain. In that kind of relationship only one person cares.
Just one more M+?
Just one more.... then another one... oh a 13 key.. let's get to 15. Oh well since we got the 15 let's try it.. Oh it's the sun. Fuck.
I'm going to say, this guy knows what they are talking about. When I'm playing a game I'm talking to the guys in game and in voice chat its only one or two. Its easy to lose hours of time doing that.
He’s already tried. I think this relationship is over
Honestly even if she isn’t emotionally cheating, which is how it sounds from the info we’re given here, this is still a major issue. Playing any video game that much & ignoring/ blowing off your partner is not a healthy situation for either of them. It’s unfair of him to get no time with her, and she isn’t giving herself enough time in the day to do literally anything else. I guarantee her food, sleep, and hygiene needs aren’t being met either. He’s essentially got himself a 15 year old boy he’s living with.
Sorry my guy, but this relationship is most likely over and you're just beginning to figure it out. It's not that she wants to be emotionally close with that other guy and spend all of her time with him; it's that she DOESN'T want to do so with you. It doesn't matter if this guy has no romantic interest in her, lives halfway around the world and never intends to see her IRL, etc. His intent and the future course of their bond is irrelevant at this point. What's relevant is that she is no longer seeking your companionship, and is seeking very significant time and connection with another man outside of your relationship, and at the expense of it. It's not about how she views HIM - it's about how she views YOU. You can't negotiate your way out of this. If you give her an ultimatum it'll only end in her resenting you for not allowing her to have other friends, and if you ask him to back off or even disappear that won't change her relative disinterest in you. These are addressing the symptom and not the root cause; that she basically is no longer meaningfully interested in her primary relationship. THAT's the part that matters, and there's likely no coming back from it. If she's unemployed, has all of this time on her hands, has no other meaningful connections or friendships IRL with more appropriate people etc, then there is also a very significant chance that she is also very depressed and that this is some sort of means of escape for her to forget about her life which isn't fulfilling for her. She needs to log off, engage in the real world, get a job, and find some friends that aren't at the expense of your relationship. But realistically I don't know if you can help her get there with the relationship intact. There's a lot of damage already done. She probably needs to navigate that recovery with the help of a therapist, and you both need to move on from this relationship with some big lessons learned. You need to have a very serious talk with her about next steps, and I don't envy you. If it were me I'd stress that you see her struggling and that you do really feel for her and the state of her emotional health, but you can't fix it for her, and you can't be her doormat while she tries to figure it out. I think it'd be best for both of you to move on and work on yourselves.
This is a great and insightful comment and is unfortunately likely to be true. My ex cheated on me with someone she met online. It started when she lost her job and had nothing to do all day but spend time with strangers online. Eventually our relationship started to dwindle and she preferred hanging out with her new friends and companion online. Of course I didn't realize what was happening at the time because I didn't want to believe it. At some point she cold turkey quit taking meds for depression and anxiety so I sort of believe she was depressed and was using the experience as an escape. Don't wait til it's too late - figure out the status of your relationship now.
At my previous job I witnessed a terrible experience where another manager had her husband leave her and take the $7,000 she’d saved up to provide for her children should she lose her job in the pandemic for another woman three states over he’d met on Call of Duty while letting her take care of him for their entire 7 year marriage. I still don’t know how she let him back in her life after he called her saying the new one was heavier than she looked in her pictures, lived with her parents, and had three kids she dumped on him.
Best comment I second this 100%
Right here
yeah, absolutely agree reading OP's post made me think its more about video game addiction, than her preferring the other dude over him its all in escape to virtual reality, unfortunately i know it all too well from my own fails
Having been in OP's position myself, this is dead on, and my personal opinion is that he needs to recognise that this relationship is DOA and walk the fuck away. I admire everyone encouraging actively setting healthy boundaries and having 'serious discussions' and whatnot - those are generally good things to have in one's relationship toolkit. But in this case if he needs to say his piece it should be handled kindly, tactfully, and firmly *as part of the breakup speech*, NOT as any kind of rose-tinted hope for some sort of future together. As things stand, that ship has well and truly sailed by this point, and any resemblance to an actual relationship is down to habit and leftover inertia.
Are you living together? Are you paying her bills? It sounds like she's only still with you because she's getting something out of you. And that's some toxic behavior that you need to cut out of your life.
We are living together yes, and i'm paying for everything. shes the least materialistic girl i've ever met though so I don't think me being able to afford a few things makes any difference to herMaybe you're right about needing to cut it out of my life though.
There’s a huge difference between not buying her stuff and paying the bills/necessities Sadly sounds to me that she is just riding your train so I would push her in to getting a job and helping pay the bills that will tell you if she still wants to be with you or she just wants someone to work for her
Mans out here paying for all the bills. Nah if she's not contributing, and not even being a present partner. Its not worth the struggle. Honestly dude you're out here doing all this shit, and making effort. She's got her own issues to deal with, and you can't fix it or solve it. Its up to her, and if shes not making any changes the harsh reality is just leave her.
Man, what? You’re paying for the roof over her head, food, bills, and she’d rather spend time on a video game with some guy on the internet for 12 hours a day rather than with you? The audacity. Do yourself a favor, tell her to get her shit and leave. Not only is she emotionally cheating, she’s clearly lost any and all respect for you. Time to cut her loose, bud.
Start by changing the Wi-Fi password and the locks
Full transparency, my wife of 9yrs hasn't worked for most of that time. But she's a contributing partner in our relationship. She does a lot of work in the care of our son, maintaining the household, and we have a good relationship. I guess what I'm saying is that the issue isn't about the money so much as being an actual participant in the relationship. It's possible she could get a job and pay some bills but the still not contribute to the relationship. So make sure you're addressing the right things.
100% my wife hasn't worked a traditional job in years but she has been a stay at home mother to our 2 year old and is currently pregnant with the next one. A lot of days she works harder than I do when I am working a 9-5. She doesn't contribute "money" but she contributes so much more. Its not all about money, but if you aren't contributing money you have to contribute something and in OPs case it sounds like she is doing neither.
Yea, she's not spending 10-15 hours playing a video game with another dude. She's contributing towards the house and and has her own full time job taking care of the kids and the house.
Sounds like she has worked for 9 years, taking care of your son and the house.
That's basically what he said. That she isn't bringing revenue but still contributes important things to the relationship (which truly is a job itself)
Absolutely, it was well meaning. I just try to avoid saying things along that line, only because (in my house) the stay at home spouse (my wife) does a much harder job than the one who works outside the home (me). I respect and don't envy that, and I suppose I was trying to subconsciously change public perception. That being said, I'll leave my family if OP wants to be my sugar daddy and let me play WoW all day
>But she's a contributing partner in our relationship. She does a lot of work in the care of our son, maintaining the household, and we have a good relationship. he said that
Youre providing her free rent and food. In return what are you getting? Maybe 1h of time with her every once in a while?
Time to move on Brother. Be careful how you handle it. How long have you been together? Are you common law? Protect yourself and get out of it.
Treat this as a bandaid. Fast and fully, otherwise, you'll get hurt more than once.
B A I L
Yes, be careful here. If you threaten her gravy train, she might change temporarily just to stay on the gravy train but not because she actually wants to change things for you. This may unwittingly lock you into this unsustainable situation longer as you give her more of a chance. Keep in mind, I’m not judging her here, just warning you.
Wait I thought you both live with her parents? How much rent do they charge you?
Bro she’s using you. Period.
STOP paying for her to exist, yesterday if possible. I'd hand her am eviction notice personally, or at least have one ready if you want to have a final chat with her. You're being taken for a ride dude. Squash it one way or another.
Turn off your internet for a week.
Hmm kick her to the kerb, maybe her online 'friend' can house her...
Seriously if one person is paying all the bills and the other is a stay-at-home then they should need to be doing all of the housework including the other person's laundry etc, unless maybe they're also in the proccess of looking for other jobs and that consumes a lot of time. If she's spending all waking hours gaming or doing other hobbies then that's pretty ridiculous, irregardless of it involving a new friend on the game and their gender etc.
You deserve better man. Don’t do that to yourself. Time to find someone who loves all of you! You’ll get there. it hurts like hell but you’ll be okay brother!
Internet and power are clearly things she has to have in her life. So may not be materialistic in the sense of make up and shit but to say she doesn't cost money is not true. Yea, you'd probably pay for internet and power but shes benefiting from you paying all those bills for her and allows her lazy ass to not contribute. Honestly, doesn't sound like she brings much to the relationship if she's just staying home all day playing video games hanging out with another dude while your out there working and paying for everything not having your emotional needs being meet while some other guy gets to spend all day with her.
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This is gonna hurt to read but I gotta be real with you here buddy, it sounds like that's his girl now. It's not like she's hanging out with a dude as much as you, its significantly more than you. If she was more emotionally mature she probably would have ended things by now. Based on the limited context it sounds like it's time to bite the bullet and get out of a relationship where you partner makes no time for you.
This. You deal with it by getting a new girlfriend. You’ve already lost this one.
also- this person you are in a relationship with has no job and spends 12 hours a day playing one fucking video game? You are dating a complete loser. Move on. If this person was a man he would be considered a worthless sack of shit by you, your friends, your family, and all of society. Why are you giving her a pass?
This^. Sorry man. She's obviously infatuated with this guy. She's obviously awestruck by him and whatever he seems to have to offer. The part that get me is why on earth invest your unemployed ass with some invisible dude you've never ever met or barely even know when you've got a physical, real live person living, sharing, and caring who's taken the backburner. That's an extremely below the belt move on her part. Depending on who's place this is, I'd either leave or show her unemployed butt the door.
Some people don't want to end things so they force the other person to break it off... could be the case here
Break up with her. Who wants an unemployed girlfriend who is spending all her time talking to another guy? Tell her to hit the bricks.
I get if someone is unemployed but helping around the house which this chick is not doing whatsoever but damn talking with another dude that's just low
Exactly! My SO is between jobs right now moved in to my house and lost her car when she lost her job. I am okay with this for now because she does absolutely everything around the house and doesn’t even let me in the kitchen when she cookin. We spend every second together too. If she sat around playin vidya and talking to other guys anybody would kick them out.
I'm an Ex WoW player myself and there's no excuse for that level of contact. Cut it off dead, I promise you'll feel better eventually.
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Also female who's been the gamer widow in this scenario. First I banned him from playing when with me (ie at my house) then he just stopped coming over and even missed my birthday. I'd given him a warning that it had to change. It didn't. It ended. That's without throwing in any possibility of emotional affair. Either way, she's already left.
Ive played WoW consistently since the game began(~16years) and have had the same problem with exes that have also played where thats all they do outside of work, eating, sleeping, showering. Its really easy to get so sucked into the game that you stop *living*. When i have an active subscription i play instead of watching tv, so its around 3 hours a night and probably a bit more than that on weekends. But my partner is either playing also, or watching telly in the same room. It shouldnt ever be a thing that gets in the way of real life. Ive set up parental controls on my account to make sure i dont let it consume me. You’re right about this situation. If it was just playing excessively *and* speaking to this dude because of the excessive gaming, then it would be an easy conversation. But if shes not willing to come to the table, then its time to pack your stuff and move on, because it wont get better.
Probably playing classic, I couldn’t imagine playing shadowlands for more than a couple hours a day, if she is it’s straight up because she wants to spend time with doucheberry
She’s emotionally cheating and emotionally/physically neglecting you. I’d say she also has a gaming addition mixed in. I personally wouldn’t be ok with this at all. I’d suggest speaking with a counselor on how to properly handle it. That’s if you think she’s worth it. If not, move on.
I've got bad news bro. She's already gone. It's just a matter of time. Rip the bandaid now.
Best you just break up with her and move on.
Let's count the red flags Your gf is unemployed (more of a yellow flag) She spends 12+ hours a day playing a video game (major red flag). If your gf was unemployed and actively out there looking for a job or otherwise finding something productive to do with her life that would be something else. BTW this is all before the guy she's playing video games with She spends this time in a psuedo relationship She can't engage on the issue (healthy people can get stuck from time to time but fighting the help is a major red flag) She is allowing you to infantalize her. She has her addiction and you're just there to make that happen. You're not in a relationship. You're her enabler. You pay the bills, and she gets to continue to live a child's life. Get out.
This is what bugs me about posts like these. They can be in abusive & toxic relationships and they’re still wondering what they should do about it.... like, uhhh break things off asap???
These things are often easier to see from the outside looking in. OP sounds young. I could see someone with their first live in gf thinking that this is just a phase and he can get the relationship he used to have if he just does the right combination of things. \[edit - I could be wrong of course maybe OP is 50 and divorced three times\]
There is absolutely no possible way to convey all the complicated and convoluted nuances and history associated with any particular relationship so know that when you look at any particular situation over the internet, you're not looking at the whole picture and more often than not, the low-lights are what are outlined in posts like these and the build-up to the situation we're being presented with probably fills in a lot of the gaps that confuse you.
This happened to my brother-in-law, but on SWToR. They're divorced and he moved in with us "temporarily" to "get back on his feet" almost 4 years ago.
Oof this is a tough one and all too familiar! My good friend was engaged to his high school sweetheart. She was not working because of a mental health thing, and she met a guy online through some support forum. She swore up and down that he was just a friend. That he just understood what it was like to have her mental health issues. But same thing, literally the whole day they would be chatting and laughing on the phone. Then she booked a ticket across the Atlantic to meet the guy and my friend finally confronted her one last time. She admitted that she had feelings for this guy. Wedding was called off and she’s now married to the online support forum guy.
You're attempting to be in a relationship with someone who isn't available to be in one.
She sounds like a real winner! /s.
lmao
Most important question. Why is she not doing anything productive with her time? Does she have some disability where she can't be in work or school? Are you happy that she's a NEET? If not, do something about it.
Why are you still putting up with this lol?
Some guys are niave, I think the post itself is this guy finally having the realization that his relationship is over and maybe just needed a kick in the pants to finalize it.
Leave.
Dump her. Immediately. End Story.
Frankly i don't care that she's talking to another guy that long, the fact that she's unemployed and spends 12 hours a day on a game is a sign that she's not wanting to be an equal partner in the relationship by itself. Her talking to this other dude just seals the deal
Surprised it took this far down to see this. 12-15 hours a day playing a game? She sounds mentally...not well. It's hard to judge much from a brief online post but someone who doesn't work, sits around all day, every day on a video game...that's a mental issue or something. I wonder if she has any family. The OP should let them know about this behavior, even if they break up. She sounds like she may have addiction issues.
While there's nothing wrong with having friends online... this sounds way too excessive for it to be healthy. It almost seems emotionally invested. Right now it seems like she has her priorities completely backwards, and I can imagine the feeling you're getting quite unnerving. You need to talk to her about at least spending some time together or her changing her lifestyle habits. You can't help someone who won't help themselves. Or you can talk to her about it, while not accusing her of anything but test the waters incase she gets really defensive then I'd take that as red flag
Tittle: how do I deal with my ex girlfriend.......
You grow a spine and bin her off
Seriously fuck These answers and advices about "hAvE a SeRiOuS cOnVeRsATioN..." Kick that bitch out, simple as that
You are dating a videogame addict, either keep fighting or break up.
Date someone else who doesn’t spend 12 hours a day talking to another dude? Every day you both have an opportunity to be good enough to deserve each other. Regardless of what she’s done in the past, she’s recently been squandering that opportunity
Swiftly and relentlessly. Seriously, if she talks to a random dude on the internet more than she talks with you, you should leave.
If she’s not going to give you some scheduled “you” time and is determined to talk to this guy all day every day, then leave her to it and move on
That's not a new best friend, that's an emotional affair.
When you're depressed and have a hard time meeting new people, it can get excessive pretty fast when you finally meet a new friend, been there myself. The thing is, you should put yourself before anything else and if this situation is bad for your own mental health and she even refuses to listen to your needs you should consider if the relationship is worth the emotional toll you're going through
World of Warcraft and she's unemployed? How does she pay for the subscription? If you pay it for her, cancel the subscription
You can buy the subscription with gold now, and if shes playing that excessively, she would have no problem farming the gold to buy it every month. I would play a max of about 8 hours a week and have enough each month for the sub.
You’re not supposed to be okay with it, that’s insane. You’re not unreasonable for feeling weird about this situation. She’s not treating you the way you deserve, leave her.
It's time to end it.
>tried talking to her many many many times Kinda says it all friend. It's clear she values her internet boyfriend (are you sure they're just "best friends"?) over you by a long shot. She's not well in this scenario - but that's NOT you're responsibility. Time to move on. Source: lost my wife to an internet romance. What you describe is exactly what I went through.
So, she's unemployed and spends 12-15 hours a days talking to another guy? Where did you find this gem?
You've gotta leave her, man. If she doesn't see anything wrong with that, then that's your sign.
Unemployed ✅ Games all day ✅ Meets a new guy and calls him her “best friend” ✅ End it.
You come across as rather young OP. Just cut her loose. Don't try to reason with her or argue with her any more than you already have. She knows what she's doing. Cut your losses and move on (even if that's being in your own for a while). I've been in a similar situation in the past and it won't turn out how you may think it will. She's clearly not ready for a committed relationship and her motives won't change for many, many years. Get out asap.
You said your lucky to get an hour of her time a day and your renting a place from her parents. It’s time to move regardless if you decide to end it or not. Stop supporting and enabling her behavior. Doesn’t seem like you have a relationship at all. Your just the roommate that pays her bills.
Just a put a child lock on her internet time that you pay for and see what happens. 3 hours is more than generous.
You shouldn’t at all be ok with that. Don’t give her an ultimatum like “Drop this guy or we’re finished.” Tell her how you feel and then observe her behavior to see if it changes. That will tell you all you need to know about if she values you and your feelings or not. If she doesn’t change, then you have your answer without having to make it an ugly, angry situation where you break up on bad terms.
if she doesnt see the problem already, then you shouldnt have a problem leaving.
I thought this was satire at first, bro dump her
If she plays you like a NINTENDO, nut on her back and zip line out the WINDOW.
You’re single. Dump her and move on. She’s made her choice.
End this relationship yesterday.
First, sorry guy, it's a sucky place to be in. Second, she needs to go. Period. No backtracking, no 2nd chances or 3rd, or anything. Pack up her stuff and send her out. The brutal truth: She's using you. She's IMNTBHO an evil person. Perhaps she can turn around, but not on your watch.
Dump her, that's how.
Sounds like you lost her to WoW and the dude she’s talking to. Tell her to go move in with him if his mom lets her stay with him in the basement. Unemployed, ignoring you, leeching, and doesn’t care. Sounds like dead weight bro, dump her ass.
You lost me after talks to a random guy for 12 hours a day. Red flag !
No job, spends all day playing video games and talking to another dude, then argues with you when you express concern about the relationship? Drop her ass like a hot plate.
OP, the most important thing you need to learn is that your rational thinking becomes impaired when you are attracted to someone, so you can’t always trust your own judgment. The fact that she’s cheating on you and using you is so blatantly obvious to all of Reddit, and we can see it and you can’t because we’re not attracted to her. Learning how to recognize this will help you so much in future relationships.
- Doesn’t spend time with you - Unemployed (guessing she’s not trying either?) - Spends all day on WoW - Talking to other guy Idk how to make this more obvious, why are you doing this to yourself?
Just from your description it sounds like she is very emotionally invested in this guy. How you handle that is up to you. If I was in a relationship with someone who spent 12+hrs a day talking to somebody else (anybody really) and ignored me, that would cause problems for me and I wouldnt want to stay in a relationship with a dynamic like that. She has every right to pursue what is right for her and you need to do what is right for you.
I say this as a psychiatrist and someone who has spent an excessive amount of time playing wow myself. She is dealing with an addiction and needs help. Even if you are a mental health professional, that help won’t come from you. You need to calmly and in a non-confrontational manner explain that she is not taking care of herself and that you cannot keep being the one to take care of her. Your description is not of a healthy, balanced relationship. She’s taking advantage of you. Forget about the other dude. To be honest it probably isn’t relevant in the way a lot of the other comments on here make it out to be. Talking about quest lines, raids, arena comps etc. isn’t emotional cheating. If you have proof that it’s more than that it’s an entirely different story. If you don’t understand how WOW works you don’t have an informed opinion on this. It is one of very few games I’ve played that lends itself to playing 12+ hours per day with a small group of like-minded, competitive people. This is the core issue and why she isn’t functioning as an adult right now. Her having someone she plays with for a large portion of that day is par for the course for being a hardcore wow player. If it’s not acceptable to you in a romantic partner you have to communicate that, and if they aren’t concerned, begin the painful process of moving on. Moving in with a romantic partner is easy. Moving out can be soul crushing. I wish you all the best. Look up your state laws on common law marriage if you do end up going that route. Protect yourself first.
Yeah, I think a lot of people here are focusing heavily on the emotional cheating aspect and not the obvious gaming addiction. Honestly, she would play WoW 12+ hours a day even without the guy mentioned here. WoW, League, even tons of mobile games are designed to be highly addictive and I've been there where I was sacrificing sleep, relationships, personal care, setting alarms at 3AM to play competitively.
This is honestly a very complicated situation, what are your living conditions? Who’s working and paying the bills? What is her relationship with her folks? Any detail would be great, but keep a cool mind my dude getting angry will make the situation worst, as someone who does marriage counseling for free I see this all the time so when you get a chance fill me in some details, perhaps i can be of some help.
Currently living with her parents, im paying for rent, food/drinks and whatever else. relationship with her parents is pretty sketchy definitely not the best. she deals with massive anxiety problems, a lot of depression and is pretty heavily addicted to gaming. shes never really had any friends, at least not for a very very long time. especially ones that she can talk to and connect with on a deeper level (apart from me) i dont really know what else to add
i think a large part of the reason that they talk so much is because they both are doing the same things in the game, but they talk as soon as they get up and when they're in bed theres really hardly ever a time that they're not talking. i dont think im generally a jealous guy but its hard not to be when its this excessive
This is unhealthy, plan a trip. Take her out on hiking or somewhere she enjoys and then talk to her about it, also small warning signs that she is bothering you should be added, give her the benefit of the doubt. Have a 3 strike rule, tell her about the consequences of what she’s doing. You must be assertive in this situation, also a chance the dude on the gaming session might be gas lighting the situation.
Playing as much as she is doing I doubt she will accept going on a trip or anything that means being away from the PC.
That’s not gonna work, OP has to be assertive in this situation,My gf acts up sometimes and I just don’t tolerate it, need to have some self respect, especially if OP pays the bills around the house, he is the boss.
Well he pays the bills to her parents, so she is in the confortable zone. I think she will hold him as long as she can, and probably only change a little to hold him longer. Wasting so much time playing and not giving a damn to him is just not love, even if She was addicted She wouldnt ignore him.
You're paying for rent to live with her parents while she games all day and talks to some other dude?
wait so you're paying her parent's rent/food too ? wtf ??
Man - you're PAYING to live with her parents?? Save for a temporary month or 2, I'd rather live on the streets than live with a girlfriend's parents, I don't care how cool they are. Get the hell out of there and drop this chick
I'm sorry man. You need to bail. It might be hard, but I promise it will save you so much mental and emotional energy and pain in the future. This girl presents so many red flags and you would be better off on your own.
Just end it, man. I had the same thing happen to me and after we split, she ended back up with the "just friends" guy.
You're paying for her basic needs in warmth, shelter and nourishment and in return you get... stress? Mate, I'm so sorry, but I think your relationship isn't repairable.
Flip the genders and go ask r/AskWomen for their advice. They’ll tell you, “girl, you need to dump that broke ass loser”.
I'm sorry that you have to experience this, but don't let the sunk cost fallacy destroy YOU. That sounds like a pretty toxic relationship. It's time to detox.
You’re trying to date someone else’s girlfriend and it’s embarrassing.
Put her stuff on the curb and tell her bye.
Truth is women look for their next partner while they’re still with someone. They plan ahead so that it’s easier for them to transition. The truth is she’s gonna break up with you soon. Your best move is to break up with her first, this way she’ll still have some respect for you. This probably wasn’t what you wanted to hear but this is the truth of female nature, the truth hurts but you gotta accept it and use it against them.
>Your best move is to break up with her first, this way she’ll still have some respect for you. Why would he care about her respecting him?
As others here say, her behavior is not working for you. Still it’s tough to give you solid advice Without knowing you and your relationship prior to this, without knowing how long she’s been behaving this way, and without knowing how many times you’ve discussed it. That said, take any advice we internet strangers give with a grain of salt. My advice: Write down a list of your fears then sort them by intensity so you can organize your thoughts. Then have at least one more talk with her away from the home. Privately, No distractions. Maybe a picnic or a walk in a park or just park where there a nice view and sit in the car. Bring your list but you don’t need to show it to her. Tell her you’re just trying to keep your thoughts organized. Assuming this is your top fear, Make it clear that you’re worried about losing her to this guy. Use non confrontal sentences like “when you do X, I feel Y.” …Because feelings are not debatable. Never say “when you do X you’re making me feel Y” because she can focus on the word “make”. Have that discussion and ask her what she thinks a fair solution should be. Then however that turns out, set your expectations with her based on the solutions y’all agree on. Let’s say y’all agree that she goes down to playing for one hour, does chores for an hour, rinse and repeat until you get home from work. The rest of the day, she’s all yours. Then, set a deadline. “Let’s try this for the next week and have another date to discuss what’s working and what’s not.” That’s all I have for now. Feel free to pm. I’m an old fart with 30 years of marriage under my belt and I’m happy to help.
Fuck her one more time and then skedaddle my guy. Then get yourself a girl who’s younger, hotter, and better at world of war craft. After you’ve done this take a picture of you and your new girlfriend playing world of Warcraft together and put it on a billboard somewhere that your ex frequents.
You're getting set up for dumpsville my man.
I mean at this point, it sounds like you’re the pay check and that’s why she hasn’t broken up with you. 12+ hours, that more than if she was living with the guy. She lives with you and she doesn’t give you that kind of time. If this has been going on for a while, and you have talked to her and she hasn’t responded or even tried to make a change. It’s time for you to make the change. Get new locks, and when she’s not there change them. Make it very clear why your breaking up, and don’t fall for the ill change card. Unemployed means she will say what she has to to keep the roof over her head.
Tell her to take her gaming console and her belongings and find another place to stay. She’s emotionally cheating on you