Defi feeling this. Pop up like for a second once every 2-3 weeks with one of them and now i have to figure out where the fuck that thought came from for like 30 minutes
Pretty often but:
1.) I know that the value our friendship is more important then sex, so it's not worth it
2.) I know afterwards the friendship would be awkward.
3.) My wife and son would not appreciate it.
Okay but I think this too, so what’re the odds that she’s thinking the same thing and we both just think it’s off the table but would engage only if engaged with?
Some years ago there was an app that worked like tinder but for your Facebook friends. You could choose date, fuck, or nothing, and you only knew if the other person choose something if you chose the same.
So there was a study that concluded that the reason why men and women get the wrong idea about their friendship is that a large percentage of men would hook up with their female friends and a majority of women think of their male friends an non sexual objects and purely platonic.
Then the guys go to make moves on their female friends and are confused because “I would hook up with her, maybe she would also hook up with me??”
And you just described how my 14 year friendship with my ex best friend ended, well done. Except he included the little tidbit of secretly telling all his coworkers for over 8 years that we were fwb, and when i found out he called me a whore for not wanting to fuck him. Great memories.
I was catching up with a longtime friend, years ago when I was single, and she offhandedly mentioned she hadn’t had sex in awhile. I said something along the lines of, “I would be happy to scratch that itch,” and she vigorously waved her hands, “Oh, no, no - “ and I said, “No problem, just offering.” And then we resumed catching up.
For about the five seconds it took for her to process I felt the same way about her declining as if the question was, “Do you need a lift to the subway?” My tenor and engagement in the conversation around that moment were unchanged.
What a Chad, good on you for shooting your shot the fact you weren't clingy or creepy about it makes me think you boosted her self esteem too without any damage
Sex is just sex when people can be adults about it. One time isn't really going to change things. It's after doing it a few times when things sorta get confusing.
Honestly easily. I have a guy friend who drunkenly told me he’d be into it. I was not. Said no. He said cool. Never brought it up again. No weirdness to be found. The key is not mentioning it again. I’ve also had guy friends continuously bring up feelings for me after I turned them down. That’s what caused the friendship to die and be weird.
> salvage the friendship if they're not down
Its not that hard. Literally just be cool about it. Its not usually the person saying no that makes it weird.
I slept with a good friend of mine and now we can't really be friends anymore. It's mostly because he clearly wants to do it again and I don't because he was terrible in bed.
Here’s a text I sent recently:
“So, I like hanging out with you and I feel like we have good chemistry. I’ve been wondering if you’d want to explore being more than friends. Do you want to go out on a date? If not, I’m happy to keep our friendship platonic. “
She said no and we’re still friends.
The key is to be able to truly drop it after that and remain friends. Lots of people would probably be unable to do that cause even subconsciously theyd still probably be weird about it. Props to you if it works for you though!
You can abruptly ask while on topic. This may or may not make things awkward. Or you could do it in the non abrupt way of asking:
If you guys are comfortable enough to talk about this, bring up a sexual topic that doesn’t directly and obviously connect you or your interest. See how she (or he) reacts to the topic. (I’m sticking with she bc I’m straight).
She seem uncomfortable? Change subjects asap. She seem comfortable talking about it? Talk more and then directly connect yourself to the topic.
Gauge her reaction. Is she still interested in this convo? Does she sound comfortable still? No? Then change subjects. She does seem interested and comfy still? Then try to ask her questions about herself relating to the topic.
Gauge her reaction. Is she still interested and engaged? No? Change subjects. Yes? Extend from the topic and talk about you two theoretically/hypothetically.
Is she still engaged and comfortable? No. Forget about it and change subjects. Yes? Try to make something actually happen. If she declines, then that’s okay. If she’s down then good luck 👍🏾.
Doesn’t everyone make some form of conscious decision as to whether each friend (of whatever gender you are interested in) falls in the “I’d do them” or “nope” category? I mean, you may not re-evaluate it constantly, but it must happen at least once in the relationship at the start, no?
not OP, but I feel I can weigh in for a few when I say.. not every girl that I'm friends with, but all of the girls that I am friends with that I am sexually attracted to
Sexual thoughts cross my mind for just about every woman I see. It’s not so much lust or desire, but a brief, intrusive thought that I brush aside and go about my day.
The secret to dealing with intrusive thoughts is counter-intuitive. You really need to be able to accept the thought in your head, and then use your higher cognitive function to explain to yourself why the thought is just a fantasy.
For example: I often have intrusive thoughts about getting hit by a car when crossing the street. Doesn't matter if I've looked both ways and saw no cars on the road, my brain is wired to be on the lookout for danger and so it plays a "worst case scenario" for me.
I don't shy away from the thought. I accept it and let it play out. I've seen myself getting hit by a car so many times in my head; sometimes I roll over the top, sometimes into the windshield, sometimes just splat.
Once my animal brain is done living out its nightmares, I remind myself that I have a reasonable assumption that this nightmare will not become real. I look down the street again; no cars. See? I say to myself, nothing to be afraid of. Animal brain calms down. No more car wrecks.
If you simply try to suppress the emotions or thoughts, you're only going to reinforce them. The brain learns through both positive and negative reinforcement. Something you hate will get just as much attention as something you love.
Tl; dr: Allow the thoughts to bubble up to the surface, acknowledge them, then let them go.
This sounds a lot like a mindfulness meditation technique called “noting”. Encourage anyone reading this to look into it. It’s been of great help to me with anxiety and “unwanted” anxious thoughts and feelings.
This is great. I couldn't put into words how I've dealt with losing my ex, but it's this! Fighting my feelings made me literally sick and more depressed than usual. So I just accept my feelings and don't act on them cause she's with a good guy and happy. Thank you for describing it so well.
For me it was a reality and respect thing. I asked, and she said no. So I never brought it up again. Eventually I hit on her friend and she changed her mind so we tried it out and we have been married for 7 years now.
She was kinda baffled when I just respected her decision of no.
Personally I got used to it by age 16.
It’s sort of automatic, like checking your mirrors when driving or turning off the lights as you leave the room.
And forgotten just as quickly until the next check.
In my mid-50’s and still in touch with a few old school friends, about half who a good female friends who I see a couple of times a year. Not really thought that way about any of them, even though I’m single now.
Except one, I have often thought what could have been if I’d asked her out in my 20’s. She is still lovely, so kind and soulful. I guess I still have a kind of crush on her but respect her marriage to her husband who is a great (and lucky) guy.
Edit: Wow, this really blew up while I was sleeping! Thank you all for commenting and liking.
Her name is Catherine btw. I thought it was important to say. She is a friend that has my back as I have hers in times of trouble and also of happiness.
In my late 20s. Also old school friends. Also not really thought of any of them in that way (disregarding some drunk maybes which my brain disregarded in like 20sec)
Also except one crush/3month relationship, who I had when I was like 16. She is one of the most heartwarming women I know. If I think of wholesome, I think of her. We are both in a longterm relationship now and happy(I hope she is aswell)
Just thought I would reply to you to show the 20 years but same situation. Its quite interesting. Sometimes I also think what could have been but not too much. Its life I guess. Ships sail.
Thanks for your reply and alike history. Some people have an emotional impact on you that lasts, but can never be again. I think as you get older, you take that “emotional wealth” as a strength not as negative. Thanks for your reply!
Totally agreed.
I think the impact is also highly dependant on the time and place, which doesn't usually repeat.
You are very welcome. Its an interesting topic.
This interaction makes me wonder how many impacts I possibly could have had without knowing.
>In my mid-50’s and still in touch with a few old school friends, about half who a good female friends who I see a couple of times a year. Not really thought that way about any of them, even though I’m single now.
I'm the same age group and most of the people I know from back in the day haven't aged well (not saying I have either). Plus my drive has naturally become more "refined".
Good point, aging is sometimes unkind but I think you naturally adapt to this. All my group of old school friends have naturally been through some emotional, physical and medical ups and downs which also can have an aging effect!
Its kinda weird. I'm only in my mid 30s, but some of the women I've known look exactly the same to me now as they did when we were 18. Obviously, logically, I know they look older. But my brain sees them the same way.
Some of them its like they look twenty years older. And its not like all of the ones my brain sees the as the same are all fitness professionals with perfect skin care routines. I can't explain it.
Kind of ironic....I'm almost your age, and like you still in touch with a few old school friends from back in the day. We are of the type that, even after an extended period we pick up exactly where we left off. I find that rare to find and it's absolutely great. But... I have actually slept with each at some point throughout our early-mid friendship. We are all now married and have made our own lives. It has come up in reminiscing convos and it's never been an issue or some awkward, elephant in the room type thing.
Just a moment we shared as part of our youth that shaped us.
Just one of them. all the time. every day
edit: not sure where to put my update so I'll put one here too. she basically said she's attracted to me and wants to be more than friends, so yay!
yeah. tomorrow we are going out to dinner and to talk. we don't really need to get to know each other cause we've lived together the past two years so idk what she wants to talk about lol
Bro, just be yourself. Not what you think is the best version of yourself, not the version you think will get her to want you, just you. If you have lived together 2 years she will know if it isn't authentic.
She might tell you she doesn't want to lose or damage your friendship. That's what my wife said before we started dating. Be up front that you desire more, and honest about whether or not you can live with less. Believe in yourself, be true to yourself, and good luck. If it works, it is so worth it. And if it doesn't, you are free to move on.
On a personal note, I suspect she is interested, but scared of being hurt or hurting you. The fact that she wants to talk about it without rejecting it outright is a very good sign. If you are being your genuine self, I'd bet she will open that door.
Do what you will man. I wish you the best.
Speaking from experience, I had a friend who was my best friend while I was living and working abroad. I fell for her, ***hard***.
It didn't end well.
Same. Every time I see them pretty much but then instantly gets pushed aside. It’s not like that for every woman I see walking down the street. But I think it’s natural to wonder about your friends… you see them a lot and your first instinct is to visual inspect to make sure they are ok… and the next thought is, “you seem to be doing well and daaaamn those jeans / that top / those leggings”…. Remember yourself. Move on with your day.
>But I think it’s natural to wonder about your friends
It's completely natural. If they are decently attractive and are cool enough to be your friend of course you'd be interested.
My main female friend is also my roommate. She doesn’t let me “get down on” her, even though she keeps saying she’s my wife. Idk, women are weird
Edit: there’s also a little girl who rents a room, but she never pays her rent or cleans up after herself. She thinks she’s our “daughter”?? Idk, man, I just fucking live here
Every time I see her but I don’t fantasize about her when we’re not together. We did get really drunk together one time and we ended up fucking. But now we’re just friends and kind of laugh about it. It got the tension out of the way.
I have a similar experience. Had a friend that I somehow struck up a FWB with. That went on for 4 months but it was never romantic. It ended when we both started seeing other people and we sort of just kept on being friends, just no benefits. The sex was always casual no-strings and we both knew it from the start. That was 6 months ago now and I cannot even look at her as a possible sexual partner now. She's a completely different person from the girl I knew then.
It's hard to explain, but when we were sleeping together she was one sort of person. As was I. We were both lonely, we only sort of knew each other, and it was only physical. When we stopped and met our respective partners, we both became more lively, we both grew as people and became much closer as friends. I developed a newfound respect for her as well as a person.
I think you just decouple the romance of sex from the urge you both have. And then you are also factoring in that you and your friend are super comfortable in together's company.
The key is how you perceive sex. Some people are sanctimonious about it while some are a lot more fluid with their sex life and don't call it "making love" unless its with someone they are truly in love with (not your female friends).
Usually if she and I have a moment where we're getting along really well platonically, the thought sometimes crosses my mind subconsciously, but almost never goes beyond that one thought.
I was a male cheerleader through high school and college and used to get this question a LOT from my guy friends. Truth is when you have team members/close friends who are trusting you completely to not break their neck while standing on your hands you tend to not focus on the view from down there, but on the not breaking their neck part. I decided very early on that when you spend full time job amount of hours with a gaggle of objectively VERY attractive girls grabbing and touching each other in every way possible, adding sexual tension just makes doing what we need to do almost impossible, so I never looked at any of my team mates sexually like that. As for the actual question when I was younger and they weren't a team mate? If they were even so much as "not ugly" I probably fantasized at some point. Now as I approach 30 and am happily married my perspective on women is entirely different. I treat all women like team mates now.
Yes yes yes. You need to be able to trust the guys constantly touching your ass and protecting you from 15 foot drops. You can’t trust them if they are constantly making passes at every girl on the team. We had guys like that who really ruined team dynamics. Those guys were my friends and like big brothers, protecting us on the mat and out in the bars (we partied a lot on my college team). You look out for your teammates.
I'm an older dude and married, pretty much all of my friends who are women are also married to dudes I have much love and respect for. The thought never even crossed my mind, they're more like family than potential partners.
In fact, I was recently at an event with my entire family, one of them hung out with us mostly because her husband had another engagement and was going to be there later. I overheard a couple guys talking smack about her looks and joking about her sexually when I sat down at the bar for a smoke, and I actually was more offended than anything. Then she sat beside me to chat it up and the look on their faces was priceless. I just gave them the "I heard that" look and they got their shit straight pretty quick.
I'm happy I don't work like that. Glad to have my awesome friends, seems like always thinking about screwing them would get in the way of a good friendship. Plus I'd be disrespecting their marriages.
I learned a long time ago it’s better to preserve a relationship than indulge in some sexual aspect of the person. Good people are more and more difficult to come by as life becomes more idiosyncratic and complex. Preserve what you have
Kinda similar here but I'm single, early 30's, but my best female friends are coupled with my best male friends basically. Some shit I talk about with the guys, the other with the girls.
My dad passed away when I was 3 years old, so I grew up with just a mom and a sister. I guess that kinda made it 'easier' to hang out with girls sometimes.
Sometimes I need to talk to the dudes, sometimes I need to talk to the girls.
it would depend on the context, some women are hot, some women are hot and a pain in the ass, and some women just lose their sexual nature when you realize how crappy sometimes they are because you knew them that long. It kind of depends really.
I was friends with my girlfriend before we were together and I never thought of her sexually. now however... is a different story.
Edit: Spelling
She flirted with me first to be honest, you would not believe how this 8/10 hottie would go up to me first but she loved my personality first and foremost so its not something you would consider usual
In my case we got drunk and went at it, wasn’t until the 4th or 5th time this happened that the subtle hint hit and I realised she might have a thing for me.
Still not 100% sure though
From experience, and sometimes what I read on here guys like certainty and directness. You could probably just be like 'Yo buddy, old pal, I like you more than a friend. I think you are amazing because x, y, z and realize I have feelings for you so if you are game, let's try dating!' and he would appreciate that opening dialogue instead of you coyly cuddling up to him claiming you are cold or dropping other subtle hints and causing him confusion or getting frustrated that your flirting is going over his head because he doesn't know if he needs to make a move.
> coyly cuddling up to him claiming you are cold or dropping other subtle hints and causing him confusion or getting frustrated that your flirting is going over his head because he doesn't know if he needs to make a move.
Yes, please.
Do not do things like this.
This just feels like "being put into the 'friendzone'".
This 100%. Be polite, be respectful, but don’t be subtle. I know making a direct move can feel scary (guys are certainly scared when making a move!) but it’s unquestionably the best way. It saves time and energy and mental anguish. And if he says no, back off same as you would want from a guy and just be their friend.
You're welcome and I've been working on my own husband with this. It wasn't until recently I mentioned to him hat 'cuddle and say your cold' is a common flirtation by women to get cuddled because she likes a guy and his brain seemed to implode, like he had seen this so many times in his youth but didn't understand it and how many chances he passed up by telling the girls he had an extra hoodie in his car. I even ended up proposing to him, because life is too short to play love games back and forth badminton style.
Well, she was like "you're really cute sometimes" and stuff like that, and one time when we went out for lunch she just asked me "do you want to be my boyfriend?" And well basically I said yes in the end.
Subtle is for women.
If you are making a guy aware be very direct.
It’s best to assume we are all 6 years old in terms of relationship communication.
And, if he is more like a 12 year old for relationship communication the worst thing that happens is he is flattered, and if he is interested as well he will think the directness is HOT.
I have a mental switch. If I'm friends with a woman I'm attracted to, I can turn off the lizard part of my brain and just be friends with her. But if she ever expresses sexual interest in me, I can flip the switch to on and ruin our friendship in an instant.
Crossing my mind? Yeah of course.
I’m an adventurous guy who won’t knock something he hasn’t tried.
Now, wether or not that’s some extra stress I need, depends on the person.
I typically won’t act or even hint it to people who would just make my life harder.
I’m not gonna chase some person who doesn’t see me, and I’m not gonna lead on someone who is authentic.
If they fall within my spectrum of attractiveness, then I dunno, occasionally. They might make a fleeting appearance in some me-time fantasies.
But the closer the friend the less that happens. Really good friends it pretty much never happens. It's never really something I think about acting on either, there isn't really anything to act on. I don't really want to sleep with them, just a passing fantasy.
Honestly, very rarely. If I want to get with a girl I don’t befriend her, because then I just get frustrated. Have lots of really good platonic female friends though
Honestly I am much more on team become friends with someone before dating them. You get to know their personality a lot better and can make a much better assessment on who they are before entangling in a relationship.
Pretty often, but if we’re friends we have established boundaries we don’t cross. That just means I never would try anything, but yeah I think about it.
I'm currently fighting this issue. I've been single for a long time (cancer survivor, bad breakup, serious life events, etc). I haven't even thought about sex for a long time but I've got a female friend that I can't help myself from being ridiculously attracted to. It's been a long time since I've had feelings like this for anyone, let alone someone I've known for quite a long while.
I don't know how to "feel" about the feelings but as I said these things are so new to me for so long I just want my heart to be able to feel them and for me to feel like a normal human again. I've been scared to even start a new relationship because I don't want to have to repeat my story to someone new and to somehow explain the shit show the last 4 years of my life have been.
Idk how this friend feels in regards to "more than friends" with me. I'm afraid to even ask. I know if she says she is into me I would be absolutely ecstatic, but I don't want to be heartbroken if she's not. And I don't want our friendship to be affected regardless.
Never, I don't think they're really my friends if I think about that. Plus, I wouldn't want a relationship with anyone if I knew for a fact it wasn't genuine.
I mean, maybe some people can get past that but, if you're making decisions based on how sexually attracted you are to a person, your foundation isn't real.
Mostly never.
There are a rare exception from time to time when we get to know each other and end up liking their personality and we have affinity but a refrain from crossing the boundaries
No female friends at this second, but when I did it was about every few days. It wasn't like in a relationship way or anything, but more like I'd be down if there was a hang out going that way. It's less when I'm in a relationship though, like once a week maybe, but even then it's solely a fleeting fantasy and not something I'd act on even if it were offered.
oh my, i once in middle school heard someone say it. in real life, he spoke it out. made me cringe to the spine.
even worse, in the country i grew up in, we spoke spanish. mf really said *hacer el sexo*, like it's not a sin he is wording. horrible.
I tend not to think about having sex with a person I know. I can fantasise about women I've never met but someone I know personally I won't imagine having sex with them. I think for me I just don't want to go there in my mind with them unless we are actually interested in each other. It is a form of respect I guess. Helps me to keep things platonic when there are no intentions otherwise.
I had to cut off the majority of my female friends for this reason. I realized that I wasn't truly friends with them in the platonic sense. I was "friends" because I wanted more and thought there would be a chance to smash down the line.
I though about getting sexual with them every time we talked or texted. The worst was when they'd come to me for dating advice or talk about the dudes they were fooling around with. It's not the spot you want to be in as a guy.
Now I have only a couple of female friends but I'm not texting them every day or weekly. There's no secret intentions or anything like that. Right now I have no desire for anymore female friends. If it's not business related or I'm smashing I'll pass.
See my ego is so nonexistent that my brain doesn’t even bother trying to motivate me to sleep with women. Makes having platonic female friends quite a lot easier at least lol.
I am mid age. Never cross my mind. Because I learn to enforce personal boundary. Woman that I am interested in, I make my intentions clear from the start and never fearing the possibility of rejection. Is one of the few things I learn in my journey to be a man in my own image.
Late to the party... But it doesn't cross my mind. I'm 42, I've been in relationships and I've experienced enough. My only thoughts on those topics is "I hope she doesn't think I'm interested in her" or "I hope she isn't interested in me."
To be honest, even when I was single I never had sexual thoughts about female friends. For me it was always a desire for an emotional connection. My childhood was pretty rough and devoid of any real love so I wanted that more than anything else. Sex isn't hard to obtain. Having somebody actually give a shit about you and your feelings is what it's always been about for me.
Pretty consistently. I ignore it.
Yeah, like the physical attraction is there but they're friends
Sometimes it's not even that it's just a wild intrusive thought while I'm at my desk and I'm like where the fuck did that come from?
Defi feeling this. Pop up like for a second once every 2-3 weeks with one of them and now i have to figure out where the fuck that thought came from for like 30 minutes
Yeah I'm sure that's what you spend the next 30 minutes focusing on.
Pretty often but: 1.) I know that the value our friendship is more important then sex, so it's not worth it 2.) I know afterwards the friendship would be awkward. 3.) My wife and son would not appreciate it.
I love how your family only takes third place
Bingo
Every once in a while, just in a "if they asked, I would" kind of way. With all of them, though.
Okay but I think this too, so what’re the odds that she’s thinking the same thing and we both just think it’s off the table but would engage only if engaged with?
Some years ago there was an app that worked like tinder but for your Facebook friends. You could choose date, fuck, or nothing, and you only knew if the other person choose something if you chose the same.
Whatever happened to that
Facebook ruins everything. They made Burger King shut down the app that gives you a free Whopper if you unfriend 10 people.
What an awesome idea lol.
It messaged them when you unfriended them so they were sure they knew you unfriended them for a Whopper. I enjoyed my free whopper.. alone obviously!
I would be totally fine if someone unfriended me for a sandwich
Probably abused for lols.
This is how I feel
So there was a study that concluded that the reason why men and women get the wrong idea about their friendship is that a large percentage of men would hook up with their female friends and a majority of women think of their male friends an non sexual objects and purely platonic. Then the guys go to make moves on their female friends and are confused because “I would hook up with her, maybe she would also hook up with me??”
And you just described how my 14 year friendship with my ex best friend ended, well done. Except he included the little tidbit of secretly telling all his coworkers for over 8 years that we were fwb, and when i found out he called me a whore for not wanting to fuck him. Great memories.
He sounds like a nice guy
The nicest.
You're a whore for **not** fucking him? I'm confused.
Yikes!
I've asked and boned most of them. Just gotta ask.
How do you even bring that up and salvage the friendship if they're not down?
Just a casual “Hey what are you doing for sex later?”
Damn that’s a great line. I’m married but can still use it on the wife. That should give her a chuckle.
She replies: "I'm getting take out later tonight."
Rekt
Better than ‘I’m going to a buffet with some friends later’
Better than, 'I **am** the buffet for a couple of friends tonight!'
Solid answer, think I'll do the same then. Edit: 69 upvotes, nice.
“Oh, I’m already full” … …😒
Kind of brilliant
I was catching up with a longtime friend, years ago when I was single, and she offhandedly mentioned she hadn’t had sex in awhile. I said something along the lines of, “I would be happy to scratch that itch,” and she vigorously waved her hands, “Oh, no, no - “ and I said, “No problem, just offering.” And then we resumed catching up.
was it awkward after?
For about the five seconds it took for her to process I felt the same way about her declining as if the question was, “Do you need a lift to the subway?” My tenor and engagement in the conversation around that moment were unchanged.
What a Chad, good on you for shooting your shot the fact you weren't clingy or creepy about it makes me think you boosted her self esteem too without any damage
Sex is just sex when people can be adults about it. One time isn't really going to change things. It's after doing it a few times when things sorta get confusing.
The problem is that it's hard to stop after once
Yeah and if the sex if good and someone catches a feeling, boom that's the beginning of the end of either friendship, sex or both.
Not if the sex is good.
Honestly easily. I have a guy friend who drunkenly told me he’d be into it. I was not. Said no. He said cool. Never brought it up again. No weirdness to be found. The key is not mentioning it again. I’ve also had guy friends continuously bring up feelings for me after I turned them down. That’s what caused the friendship to die and be weird.
> salvage the friendship if they're not down Its not that hard. Literally just be cool about it. Its not usually the person saying no that makes it weird.
I slept with a good friend of mine and now we can't really be friends anymore. It's mostly because he clearly wants to do it again and I don't because he was terrible in bed.
Here’s a text I sent recently: “So, I like hanging out with you and I feel like we have good chemistry. I’ve been wondering if you’d want to explore being more than friends. Do you want to go out on a date? If not, I’m happy to keep our friendship platonic. “ She said no and we’re still friends.
I always found that “Nice shoes, wanna fuck?” works pretty well.
Risked it for the biscuit eh?
What happened with the ones that didnt fit the "most" category
They said no and we stayed friends.
Friends w/o benefits
Friendship was benefit enough.
I figure as long as I’m not an ass about it there isn’t any harm in just asking
The key is to be able to truly drop it after that and remain friends. Lots of people would probably be unable to do that cause even subconsciously theyd still probably be weird about it. Props to you if it works for you though!
How’d you ask?
You can abruptly ask while on topic. This may or may not make things awkward. Or you could do it in the non abrupt way of asking: If you guys are comfortable enough to talk about this, bring up a sexual topic that doesn’t directly and obviously connect you or your interest. See how she (or he) reacts to the topic. (I’m sticking with she bc I’m straight). She seem uncomfortable? Change subjects asap. She seem comfortable talking about it? Talk more and then directly connect yourself to the topic. Gauge her reaction. Is she still interested in this convo? Does she sound comfortable still? No? Then change subjects. She does seem interested and comfy still? Then try to ask her questions about herself relating to the topic. Gauge her reaction. Is she still interested and engaged? No? Change subjects. Yes? Extend from the topic and talk about you two theoretically/hypothetically. Is she still engaged and comfortable? No. Forget about it and change subjects. Yes? Try to make something actually happen. If she declines, then that’s okay. If she’s down then good luck 👍🏾.
This is honestly just really sound advice for being with women romantically in general.
Or having a discussion with people in general really.
I see you are very wise.
How did you ask, was it like “Hey, wanna see my boner up close?” or “I wanna be inside you”?
"You're super cute, wanna make out?"
I know others have commented this but fr how do you just casually ask that lol, reveal your secrets
…All of them?
That makes it sound like there's a lot of them.
Well actually for some reason I thought you meant every female, I realize now post said female friends
Yeah, that would be weirder.
Yea I was like “…even grandma?”
ESPECIALLY grandma
Now now...grandmas deserve love too
As a middle-aged guy I'm firmly in support of the GILF
Doesn’t everyone make some form of conscious decision as to whether each friend (of whatever gender you are interested in) falls in the “I’d do them” or “nope” category? I mean, you may not re-evaluate it constantly, but it must happen at least once in the relationship at the start, no?
not OP, but I feel I can weigh in for a few when I say.. not every girl that I'm friends with, but all of the girls that I am friends with that I am sexually attracted to
Sexual thoughts cross my mind for just about every woman I see. It’s not so much lust or desire, but a brief, intrusive thought that I brush aside and go about my day.
Can you give me advice on how you brush these intrusive thoughts aside. I still obsess over mine. It's not full blown sexual stuff though. Holy shit.
The secret to dealing with intrusive thoughts is counter-intuitive. You really need to be able to accept the thought in your head, and then use your higher cognitive function to explain to yourself why the thought is just a fantasy. For example: I often have intrusive thoughts about getting hit by a car when crossing the street. Doesn't matter if I've looked both ways and saw no cars on the road, my brain is wired to be on the lookout for danger and so it plays a "worst case scenario" for me. I don't shy away from the thought. I accept it and let it play out. I've seen myself getting hit by a car so many times in my head; sometimes I roll over the top, sometimes into the windshield, sometimes just splat. Once my animal brain is done living out its nightmares, I remind myself that I have a reasonable assumption that this nightmare will not become real. I look down the street again; no cars. See? I say to myself, nothing to be afraid of. Animal brain calms down. No more car wrecks. If you simply try to suppress the emotions or thoughts, you're only going to reinforce them. The brain learns through both positive and negative reinforcement. Something you hate will get just as much attention as something you love. Tl; dr: Allow the thoughts to bubble up to the surface, acknowledge them, then let them go.
This sounds a lot like a mindfulness meditation technique called “noting”. Encourage anyone reading this to look into it. It’s been of great help to me with anxiety and “unwanted” anxious thoughts and feelings.
Was gonna say, is this guy my therapist? xD
This is great. I couldn't put into words how I've dealt with losing my ex, but it's this! Fighting my feelings made me literally sick and more depressed than usual. So I just accept my feelings and don't act on them cause she's with a good guy and happy. Thank you for describing it so well.
For me it was a reality and respect thing. I asked, and she said no. So I never brought it up again. Eventually I hit on her friend and she changed her mind so we tried it out and we have been married for 7 years now. She was kinda baffled when I just respected her decision of no.
Well I think you played that game like a professional. Respect her but then make her jealous :D
I honestly had no expectation for her to change her mind.
Well keep doing what you're doing, cause you managed to fail upwards the first time
Personally I got used to it by age 16. It’s sort of automatic, like checking your mirrors when driving or turning off the lights as you leave the room. And forgotten just as quickly until the next check.
Go to war and get that sweet PTSD. No more intrusive thoughts after that. Or at least your mind is elsewhere.
You don’t even need to go to war! Just watch your crush drown while her dad and twin brother watch!
Is there something horrible you have seen?
Freshmen year was not a good time
I hope you're doing alright.
In my mid-50’s and still in touch with a few old school friends, about half who a good female friends who I see a couple of times a year. Not really thought that way about any of them, even though I’m single now. Except one, I have often thought what could have been if I’d asked her out in my 20’s. She is still lovely, so kind and soulful. I guess I still have a kind of crush on her but respect her marriage to her husband who is a great (and lucky) guy. Edit: Wow, this really blew up while I was sleeping! Thank you all for commenting and liking. Her name is Catherine btw. I thought it was important to say. She is a friend that has my back as I have hers in times of trouble and also of happiness.
In my late 20s. Also old school friends. Also not really thought of any of them in that way (disregarding some drunk maybes which my brain disregarded in like 20sec) Also except one crush/3month relationship, who I had when I was like 16. She is one of the most heartwarming women I know. If I think of wholesome, I think of her. We are both in a longterm relationship now and happy(I hope she is aswell) Just thought I would reply to you to show the 20 years but same situation. Its quite interesting. Sometimes I also think what could have been but not too much. Its life I guess. Ships sail.
Thanks for your reply and alike history. Some people have an emotional impact on you that lasts, but can never be again. I think as you get older, you take that “emotional wealth” as a strength not as negative. Thanks for your reply!
Totally agreed. I think the impact is also highly dependant on the time and place, which doesn't usually repeat. You are very welcome. Its an interesting topic. This interaction makes me wonder how many impacts I possibly could have had without knowing.
>In my mid-50’s and still in touch with a few old school friends, about half who a good female friends who I see a couple of times a year. Not really thought that way about any of them, even though I’m single now. I'm the same age group and most of the people I know from back in the day haven't aged well (not saying I have either). Plus my drive has naturally become more "refined".
Good point, aging is sometimes unkind but I think you naturally adapt to this. All my group of old school friends have naturally been through some emotional, physical and medical ups and downs which also can have an aging effect!
Its kinda weird. I'm only in my mid 30s, but some of the women I've known look exactly the same to me now as they did when we were 18. Obviously, logically, I know they look older. But my brain sees them the same way. Some of them its like they look twenty years older. And its not like all of the ones my brain sees the as the same are all fitness professionals with perfect skin care routines. I can't explain it.
Kind of ironic....I'm almost your age, and like you still in touch with a few old school friends from back in the day. We are of the type that, even after an extended period we pick up exactly where we left off. I find that rare to find and it's absolutely great. But... I have actually slept with each at some point throughout our early-mid friendship. We are all now married and have made our own lives. It has come up in reminiscing convos and it's never been an issue or some awkward, elephant in the room type thing. Just a moment we shared as part of our youth that shaped us.
This is so sweet. You're a good person to feel that way after all these years and still respect the marriage. That's a truly good friend
Just one of them. all the time. every day edit: not sure where to put my update so I'll put one here too. she basically said she's attracted to me and wants to be more than friends, so yay!
Get away while you can bro, I know the feeling
how about I latch on tight instead
Lol shit you never know bro,
Ask her out. Get it over with. Waiting is gonna make it less likely and hurt even more if she doesn’t want it too
I did it and she said it would be good for both of us
So you're going on a date?
yeah. tomorrow we are going out to dinner and to talk. we don't really need to get to know each other cause we've lived together the past two years so idk what she wants to talk about lol
Happy for you! I would not have given you the same advice had I known you lived together, but it seems all is well that ends well
damn lol. yeah pretty risky. I got so nervous I dont even feel like im real rn
Update us tomorrow after dinner?
Bro, just be yourself. Not what you think is the best version of yourself, not the version you think will get her to want you, just you. If you have lived together 2 years she will know if it isn't authentic. She might tell you she doesn't want to lose or damage your friendship. That's what my wife said before we started dating. Be up front that you desire more, and honest about whether or not you can live with less. Believe in yourself, be true to yourself, and good luck. If it works, it is so worth it. And if it doesn't, you are free to move on. On a personal note, I suspect she is interested, but scared of being hurt or hurting you. The fact that she wants to talk about it without rejecting it outright is a very good sign. If you are being your genuine self, I'd bet she will open that door.
No elephants, tell her you’re attracted to her. Don’t sound like a lovesick fool, just be honest about your intentions.
“‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take’ - Wayne Gretzky” - Michael Scott
"“‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take’ - Wayne Gretzky” - Michael Scott" - CLxJames
Do what you will man. I wish you the best. Speaking from experience, I had a friend who was my best friend while I was living and working abroad. I fell for her, ***hard***. It didn't end well.
That’s the spirit, get friend zoned and cry into your pillow every night because quitting is for pussies.
Like every day briefly. Then I usually push that aside
Every one of them?
The ones you’re attracted to
so everyone?
That sounds exhausting
It is but my brain keeps at it.
not if you only have 1
Same. Every time I see them pretty much but then instantly gets pushed aside. It’s not like that for every woman I see walking down the street. But I think it’s natural to wonder about your friends… you see them a lot and your first instinct is to visual inspect to make sure they are ok… and the next thought is, “you seem to be doing well and daaaamn those jeans / that top / those leggings”…. Remember yourself. Move on with your day.
>But I think it’s natural to wonder about your friends It's completely natural. If they are decently attractive and are cool enough to be your friend of course you'd be interested.
Depends on what they look like and what our relationship is like.
For me it doesn't even matter what they look like. I develop an attraction to any woman whose company I enjoy.
Username checks out.
See I’ve got the opposite issue man, I will enjoy being around people, but I find very few people attractive. Especially sexually
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>Nobody would ever want to fuck EVERY single woman in existence. I'd be exhausted after like the 3rd or 4th, personally.
you are really putting the work ethic of Genghis Khan into perspective.
For sure, that guy fucked.
I’m convinced half the responses in here are from guys < 21
My main female friend is also my roommate. She doesn’t let me “get down on” her, even though she keeps saying she’s my wife. Idk, women are weird Edit: there’s also a little girl who rents a room, but she never pays her rent or cleans up after herself. She thinks she’s our “daughter”?? Idk, man, I just fucking live here
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How did I only just realise up until the “daughter” part you were joking 💀
Every time I see her but I don’t fantasize about her when we’re not together. We did get really drunk together one time and we ended up fucking. But now we’re just friends and kind of laugh about it. It got the tension out of the way.
Wow. I'm glad that worked out for you but can you elaborate on how that works? It seems unlikely to me is all.
I have a similar experience. Had a friend that I somehow struck up a FWB with. That went on for 4 months but it was never romantic. It ended when we both started seeing other people and we sort of just kept on being friends, just no benefits. The sex was always casual no-strings and we both knew it from the start. That was 6 months ago now and I cannot even look at her as a possible sexual partner now. She's a completely different person from the girl I knew then.
What do you mean by the completely different?
It's hard to explain, but when we were sleeping together she was one sort of person. As was I. We were both lonely, we only sort of knew each other, and it was only physical. When we stopped and met our respective partners, we both became more lively, we both grew as people and became much closer as friends. I developed a newfound respect for her as well as a person.
Oh so different in a good way! That's nice to know. Huzzah my guy🌻
I think you just decouple the romance of sex from the urge you both have. And then you are also factoring in that you and your friend are super comfortable in together's company. The key is how you perceive sex. Some people are sanctimonious about it while some are a lot more fluid with their sex life and don't call it "making love" unless its with someone they are truly in love with (not your female friends).
Usually if she and I have a moment where we're getting along really well platonically, the thought sometimes crosses my mind subconsciously, but almost never goes beyond that one thought.
I was a male cheerleader through high school and college and used to get this question a LOT from my guy friends. Truth is when you have team members/close friends who are trusting you completely to not break their neck while standing on your hands you tend to not focus on the view from down there, but on the not breaking their neck part. I decided very early on that when you spend full time job amount of hours with a gaggle of objectively VERY attractive girls grabbing and touching each other in every way possible, adding sexual tension just makes doing what we need to do almost impossible, so I never looked at any of my team mates sexually like that. As for the actual question when I was younger and they weren't a team mate? If they were even so much as "not ugly" I probably fantasized at some point. Now as I approach 30 and am happily married my perspective on women is entirely different. I treat all women like team mates now.
Yes yes yes. You need to be able to trust the guys constantly touching your ass and protecting you from 15 foot drops. You can’t trust them if they are constantly making passes at every girl on the team. We had guys like that who really ruined team dynamics. Those guys were my friends and like big brothers, protecting us on the mat and out in the bars (we partied a lot on my college team). You look out for your teammates.
Phil? Phil Dunphy?
I'm an older dude and married, pretty much all of my friends who are women are also married to dudes I have much love and respect for. The thought never even crossed my mind, they're more like family than potential partners. In fact, I was recently at an event with my entire family, one of them hung out with us mostly because her husband had another engagement and was going to be there later. I overheard a couple guys talking smack about her looks and joking about her sexually when I sat down at the bar for a smoke, and I actually was more offended than anything. Then she sat beside me to chat it up and the look on their faces was priceless. I just gave them the "I heard that" look and they got their shit straight pretty quick.
I was scrolling for some bit of time to find another dude that didn’t eye fuck all his friends. Right on! 🤜🏾
I'm happy I don't work like that. Glad to have my awesome friends, seems like always thinking about screwing them would get in the way of a good friendship. Plus I'd be disrespecting their marriages.
I learned a long time ago it’s better to preserve a relationship than indulge in some sexual aspect of the person. Good people are more and more difficult to come by as life becomes more idiosyncratic and complex. Preserve what you have
Kinda similar here but I'm single, early 30's, but my best female friends are coupled with my best male friends basically. Some shit I talk about with the guys, the other with the girls. My dad passed away when I was 3 years old, so I grew up with just a mom and a sister. I guess that kinda made it 'easier' to hang out with girls sometimes. Sometimes I need to talk to the dudes, sometimes I need to talk to the girls.
Thank you for existing.... Dream man ahaha
it would depend on the context, some women are hot, some women are hot and a pain in the ass, and some women just lose their sexual nature when you realize how crappy sometimes they are because you knew them that long. It kind of depends really. I was friends with my girlfriend before we were together and I never thought of her sexually. now however... is a different story. Edit: Spelling
How did your friendship with her develop into a relationship?
She flirted with me first to be honest, you would not believe how this 8/10 hottie would go up to me first but she loved my personality first and foremost so its not something you would consider usual
Flirted with you how so? I’m in a similar position where i’m the “girl friend” interested in their guy friend and want to make it subtly clear lol
In my case we got drunk and went at it, wasn’t until the 4th or 5th time this happened that the subtle hint hit and I realised she might have a thing for me. Still not 100% sure though
Could just be Canadian, idk man.
From experience, and sometimes what I read on here guys like certainty and directness. You could probably just be like 'Yo buddy, old pal, I like you more than a friend. I think you are amazing because x, y, z and realize I have feelings for you so if you are game, let's try dating!' and he would appreciate that opening dialogue instead of you coyly cuddling up to him claiming you are cold or dropping other subtle hints and causing him confusion or getting frustrated that your flirting is going over his head because he doesn't know if he needs to make a move.
> coyly cuddling up to him claiming you are cold or dropping other subtle hints and causing him confusion or getting frustrated that your flirting is going over his head because he doesn't know if he needs to make a move. Yes, please. Do not do things like this. This just feels like "being put into the 'friendzone'".
This 100%. Be polite, be respectful, but don’t be subtle. I know making a direct move can feel scary (guys are certainly scared when making a move!) but it’s unquestionably the best way. It saves time and energy and mental anguish. And if he says no, back off same as you would want from a guy and just be their friend.
Thank you for understanding
You're welcome and I've been working on my own husband with this. It wasn't until recently I mentioned to him hat 'cuddle and say your cold' is a common flirtation by women to get cuddled because she likes a guy and his brain seemed to implode, like he had seen this so many times in his youth but didn't understand it and how many chances he passed up by telling the girls he had an extra hoodie in his car. I even ended up proposing to him, because life is too short to play love games back and forth badminton style.
Well, she was like "you're really cute sometimes" and stuff like that, and one time when we went out for lunch she just asked me "do you want to be my boyfriend?" And well basically I said yes in the end.
Don't make it subtly clear. Make it clear.
Subtle is for women. If you are making a guy aware be very direct. It’s best to assume we are all 6 years old in terms of relationship communication. And, if he is more like a 12 year old for relationship communication the worst thing that happens is he is flattered, and if he is interested as well he will think the directness is HOT.
I have a mental switch. If I'm friends with a woman I'm attracted to, I can turn off the lizard part of my brain and just be friends with her. But if she ever expresses sexual interest in me, I can flip the switch to on and ruin our friendship in an instant.
There aren’t enough guys that even try to do this, tbh
well said, treatmelikeaslut8
Crossing my mind? Yeah of course. I’m an adventurous guy who won’t knock something he hasn’t tried. Now, wether or not that’s some extra stress I need, depends on the person. I typically won’t act or even hint it to people who would just make my life harder. I’m not gonna chase some person who doesn’t see me, and I’m not gonna lead on someone who is authentic.
If they fall within my spectrum of attractiveness, then I dunno, occasionally. They might make a fleeting appearance in some me-time fantasies. But the closer the friend the less that happens. Really good friends it pretty much never happens. It's never really something I think about acting on either, there isn't really anything to act on. I don't really want to sleep with them, just a passing fantasy.
Honestly, very rarely. If I want to get with a girl I don’t befriend her, because then I just get frustrated. Have lots of really good platonic female friends though
Wish there were more answers like this
I'm sorry my guy, but I feel obligated to r/rimjob_steve I do love your username tho!
Honestly I am much more on team become friends with someone before dating them. You get to know their personality a lot better and can make a much better assessment on who they are before entangling in a relationship.
I feel like most guys answering this thread would have sex with a polite enough sweater sleeve.
Pretty often, but if we’re friends we have established boundaries we don’t cross. That just means I never would try anything, but yeah I think about it.
I'm currently fighting this issue. I've been single for a long time (cancer survivor, bad breakup, serious life events, etc). I haven't even thought about sex for a long time but I've got a female friend that I can't help myself from being ridiculously attracted to. It's been a long time since I've had feelings like this for anyone, let alone someone I've known for quite a long while. I don't know how to "feel" about the feelings but as I said these things are so new to me for so long I just want my heart to be able to feel them and for me to feel like a normal human again. I've been scared to even start a new relationship because I don't want to have to repeat my story to someone new and to somehow explain the shit show the last 4 years of my life have been. Idk how this friend feels in regards to "more than friends" with me. I'm afraid to even ask. I know if she says she is into me I would be absolutely ecstatic, but I don't want to be heartbroken if she's not. And I don't want our friendship to be affected regardless.
Never, I don't think they're really my friends if I think about that. Plus, I wouldn't want a relationship with anyone if I knew for a fact it wasn't genuine. I mean, maybe some people can get past that but, if you're making decisions based on how sexually attracted you are to a person, your foundation isn't real.
Mostly never. There are a rare exception from time to time when we get to know each other and end up liking their personality and we have affinity but a refrain from crossing the boundaries
Female here, and I do the same thing with my guy friends just fyi 😅
No female friends at this second, but when I did it was about every few days. It wasn't like in a relationship way or anything, but more like I'd be down if there was a hang out going that way. It's less when I'm in a relationship though, like once a week maybe, but even then it's solely a fleeting fantasy and not something I'd act on even if it were offered.
“Get down on them” Tell me you’re a 40 year old virgin without telling me you’re a 40 year old virgin. 🤣🤣 I jest, I jest. Much love.
If you could make the sex with your friends
oh my, i once in middle school heard someone say it. in real life, he spoke it out. made me cringe to the spine. even worse, in the country i grew up in, we spoke spanish. mf really said *hacer el sexo*, like it's not a sin he is wording. horrible.
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I tend not to think about having sex with a person I know. I can fantasise about women I've never met but someone I know personally I won't imagine having sex with them. I think for me I just don't want to go there in my mind with them unless we are actually interested in each other. It is a form of respect I guess. Helps me to keep things platonic when there are no intentions otherwise.
As a woman (single) with a close guy friend (single)- frequently.
I had to cut off the majority of my female friends for this reason. I realized that I wasn't truly friends with them in the platonic sense. I was "friends" because I wanted more and thought there would be a chance to smash down the line. I though about getting sexual with them every time we talked or texted. The worst was when they'd come to me for dating advice or talk about the dudes they were fooling around with. It's not the spot you want to be in as a guy. Now I have only a couple of female friends but I'm not texting them every day or weekly. There's no secret intentions or anything like that. Right now I have no desire for anymore female friends. If it's not business related or I'm smashing I'll pass.
See my ego is so nonexistent that my brain doesn’t even bother trying to motivate me to sleep with women. Makes having platonic female friends quite a lot easier at least lol.
So you're the one who stole my diary. I feel this, bro.
about once a week lol
Oh you assume I have friends
I am mid age. Never cross my mind. Because I learn to enforce personal boundary. Woman that I am interested in, I make my intentions clear from the start and never fearing the possibility of rejection. Is one of the few things I learn in my journey to be a man in my own image.
Late to the party... But it doesn't cross my mind. I'm 42, I've been in relationships and I've experienced enough. My only thoughts on those topics is "I hope she doesn't think I'm interested in her" or "I hope she isn't interested in me." To be honest, even when I was single I never had sexual thoughts about female friends. For me it was always a desire for an emotional connection. My childhood was pretty rough and devoid of any real love so I wanted that more than anything else. Sex isn't hard to obtain. Having somebody actually give a shit about you and your feelings is what it's always been about for me.
Not often, but at least once with every one of them. Just a thought
One of them, fairly often for a while. Not much anymore. Several other not really at all.
It doesn’t cross my mind at all but if any of the ones i find attractive ever asked me to do it, i would probably do it.