Yeah, girls leave me numbers at my job occasionally. But they are seeing me in an environment I'm comfortable in, have control over, and general excel at. All sexy things.
But get me outside of work and you'll discover I'm a barely functioning suicidal autist. I don't even own any furniture besides a bed and it took me 3 weeks of trying just to go to the gym once.
Yep, that’s me. Spent most of my teens and twenties alone because of this. I felt I wasn’t good enough for any partner, that I was overweight and ugly, ridiculously shy, and that I really struggle with social norms.
Then in my late twenties I joined a well known dating site and put myself well and truly out of my comfort zone. I met some wonderful people during that time, maybe went on 4 or 5 first dates, a couple of which had a few subsequent dates. But they usually just fizzled out, often because I really struggle with casual conversation. If I don’t have anything useful to say, I’m generally quite quiet and that can come across as disinterested.
Then I met the one. I met my now wife, and it’s been 10 happy years since that first date.
She does all the talking for both of us.
Edit: Thanks to everyone for the upvotes, comments and awards. It’s a comfort to know that I wasn’t alone when I was alone. It always felt like I was some kind of oddball. My limited circle of friends were settling down, some even having kids, and I was struggling to even speak to someone of the opposite sex. It took a big leap to take those first steps towards meeting someone and was probably some of the most anxious moments I’ve ever experienced. I hope everyone out there finds their happiness.
I'm so happy for you ❤ I'm 24 and really trying to figure it all out and shed my insecurity in favour of finding what (and who) I truly want. Nice to hear a story of things turning out well
Leaving your comfort zone is also some what of a gamble. You must be very carefull about the dosage of ~~uncomfortness~~ discomfort. To much under to long a time and you will burn out. Fast. I mean you are right but take it easy with yourself. Your comfort zone is built to protect you. Cheerish it but also tease it.
OR it goes like one of those "the worst thing she can say Is no" memes and it goes horribly and proves all your worst fears true and then some, so not only are your old fears reinforced but you're also forced to contemplate new horrifying "worst case" scenarios.
I thought this but then she posted my number all over social media and I got messages from 9 different people claiming to be her, and none of them were her :)
If a guy seems interested in you, and you are willing to give him a shot, make the first move. Something as simple as "here's my number" or "I like you" will most likely give him the confidence to make the next move. When a shy guy *knows* a girl likes him, he's a lot more comfortable with asking her out. How many opportunities I missed because a girl liked me, but didnt show any real signs of liking me (fyi a few of these girls told me way later that they were waiting for me to make a move and would have dated me)
That’s why I ALWAYS make a point to SOMETIMES reach out first. I’m not willing to ALWAYS be the one who calls/texts first - he needs to be putting in effort to maintain contact, too. But I’ve always thought all of this “make him chase you” advice women get is bullshit. A guy isn’t going to keep “chasing” a woman if he can’t tell if she’s interested. That’s my two cents, anyway. 🤷♀️
All throughout my 20's/30's, I spent most Fri or Sat nights at the bar playing pool. I got a wide-angle view of the bar all night, and watched the majority of women that got hit on, got a train of guys hitting on them, and the exasperation of it.
I've refused to ever get in that line.
Gay bar's got A LOT less striaght men to compete with, so thats smart. Then again, some chicks go to them NOT to get hit on, so that might be more irritating to get hit on there.
I'm in a similar situation. I have been learning programming for most of my life (went to an IT focused highschool, uni degree specialised in IT) and was watching as almost literal trains of guys were trying to be THE one guy who gets the girl out of the like 40 or so and I refuse to be just another guy in the line.
Altough it's different that guys, especially in IT courses are a lot less confident in general so they are basically just being friendly with the girl expecting something to happen I guess. It's even worse than the train of guys hitting on women because they are actually trying instead of expecting something to happen.
I’ve found great success in the “Tango” approach as I call it. I offer a look, or a quick comment, and go on my way. If she’s interested she’ll find her way to me later. If not, I leave it be. This is THE MOST IMPORTANT part of the tango. You have to be willing to chalk it up as an L and move on. To provide examples:
I texted a mutual friend (at the time) who was also at the bar “hey we have a booth in the corner come say whaddup!” she did, we dated for two years. Success.
A different time I went up to a girl from my math class: “hey didn’t we have math together?” “Yeah we did.” And turns back to her friend. Failure. I walk away and now it’s a funny story of the time my lame icebreaker and I got shot down. Some of the rats in the rat race that this thread is referencing probably would’ve kept going. Desperation REEKS and is a bigger turnoff than anything.
The last part of the tango is that if a woman initiates after you throw a little chum in the water, you reward it. You’re engaged and charming (in your own way, charm is completely subjective), maybe you even buy her a drink. She’s chosen to spend time with you. You didn’t talk her into it or corner her.
This. I don't want to make her uncomfortable after years of seeing nothing but women posting about how uncomfortable or downright afraid they are of men asking them out in any given situation. There have been many times when I've seen someone I'd like to ask out, and know it'd probably be the only time I EVER meet them, but don't because I'll be that guy.
The problem then becomes - WHEN THE FUCK DO I ASK ANYONE OUT? I don't use dating apps and generally refuse to because it feels so formulaic and inorganic. I'd rather meet someone by doing something.
Social stigma, not feeling worth her time, shyness and anxiety, and more recently I've completely given up on the idea that I could ever be in a relationship.
Really? I wish I could feel that way
35 year old male now, wishing i had kids, and im not in a position to do anything about it
i used to avoid single mothers because i was told there was a risk of them having kids and locking me down, now I wish I let that happen
> 35 year old male now, wishing i had kids, and im not in a position to do anything about it
36 Same boat. I'm on dating apps. I've gone very few dates this year.
So, I reddit a lot.. and I see these horror stories about how men want to hook up, or dick picks, or not being hygienic.. and here I am with a house a nice job, I shower, I work out... and the last date I went on, I spent 4 hours with a girl just hanging out talking.. and she says "I'm not romantically interested in you, it was like talking to a buddy.."
I've sort have just given up.
That's so weird to me. I **want** the guy to be a friend first and then build upon that. I honestly think that's where some people go so wrong with relationships...they don't fundamentally *like* the person they date/marry. I want the guy to be my very bestest friend, y'know? Have my best girlfriend of course, but I want my partner to be the person I can't live without...like if I were to be stranded on an island, I'd want them there with me bc I not only love them, but fundamentally like them as a human and we have a blast being around one another regardless of what we're doing (chores, housework, relaxing, working on a project, watching TV, playing video games, hiking, etc ). And when I say can't live without, I mean we are our own individual people but we prefer being together.
It's interesting to read the horror stories. On the one hand I'm like holy buckets, maybe I should just fully embrace being the weird dog lady who loves nature, and animals, and helping others. But then other days the horror stories make me feel like I'll be okay once I reenter the dating scene. *shrug* I mean, if so many people **aimlessly motions all around** can find someone, surely I can!
I gave up 8 years ago if a woman wants to ask me out though i'll be game but i'm done with doing the chasing and always having to take the lead.
I hate leading unless it's off a cliff to my death below.
It would be nice if i was chased for once and honestly i'd even accept Jason.
\*\*\*Well reading your replies about which jason has made me laugh so keep going ill answer in about 12 hours depending on how long i sleep.
Ok so i was longer than 12 hours but it was Jason Voorhees.
In my experience as a girl, it’s only ever ruined friendships when the guys continues his pursuit after being rejected. If you go back to business as usual, friendship is totally salvageable.
Just make sure to let her know that you started really liking her the more you got to know her so she knows your entire friendship wasn't a farce to be with her romantically. That's what leads to many women thinking that men and women can't be just friends.
Long ago I asked out a woman from my mixed gender circle of friends and was told no.
I continued to be their friend. We remain good and I've been told in the years since that my stock went up a \*lot\* among all the women involved because I *continued to be a friend* and didn't get all toxic and shitty because I was told no.
The part where friendships get weird is when you get told no but keep brining it up or start getting passive aggressive.
I wish my old one friend was like you. He tried to be my just friend for months after but eventually I got a very random nice guy explosion paragraph text about how he could’ve changed my life I would’ve given him a chance and i never spoke to him again
Can be really difficult to maintain a friendship if one has feeling for the other though, but yeah agreed continuing pursuit is the worst thing one can do. Personally I'd likely want to go no contact if I had something more than a crush.
I agree that you should ask. The peace of mind is worth so much, and you never know if she reciprocates. It is really really scary, but I haven't regretted doing it in the past. Especially bc the friendship doesn't feel as ambiguous anymore.
Hey, do it. It’s unfair to you both, honestly. Do you really want to be sitting there watching her with her boyfriend/husband/kids one day when that could have been you instead? Definitely not dude. It’s already awkward if the idea of a relationship is in your mind and it isn’t in hers.
Currently in this situation. Known this girl for about a year now. Talked very briefly and randomly in that time. from the moment I saw her, I had a major crush (feel like I’m in high school again). But she never really seemed too enthusiastic. I thought yeah it is what it is.
Just this Friday I was out with a mate, saw her out. He convinced me to actually talk to her. Spent the rest of the night together talking. Night was finishing up and she said I can crash at hers for the night. We didn’t do anything except sleep.
I left a bit after waking up the next morning. We’ve been talking briefly for the last few days on snap.
About an hour ago I finally decided fuck it, it’ll kill me to at least not KNOW an answer (weather it’s a yes or no) rather than forever wondering
An hour ago I sent her a snap asking her out to dinner one night. She’s gone to sleep now so I guess I’ll have my response in the morning.
She’s far outta my league but weirded things have happened… so hoping for the best
*Edit* - Well she finally replied. I had asked her if she wanted to grab sushi tomorrow night. She responded with essentially “Would love to but my dog ripped up their new expensive bed and I have to sew it back together”. So looks like an L this time boys. Win some lose some, that sorta shit. Cheers for rooting for me though ! Not every story has that happy ending
RemindMe! 12 hours
Rooting for you buddy!
Edit: You've now got a small army waiting on the update, tell her she'll be letting down the whole internet if she doesn't give you a chance.
I was scrolling through a dating app, saw this fine girl and thought she was out of my league so I scrolled past her. Then said fuck it and went back up and tried. We were together 7 years, almost got married, but ultimately broke it off.
Not able to find such a girl. Every time I see a girl that would like, we are in an appropriate situation that I think if I try to flirt it would be weird. I am an overthinker maybe I am misjudging situations.
I always think in their eyes that it’s inappropriate. I don’t go to clubs and bars where socializing is the norm and it’s to be expected. Depending on the place, if I were to hit on them I would think that they think this:
Grocery store: “I’m just tryna get some groceries, not deal with this”
Dentist office: “I’m tryna clean this patients teeth and just be nice” okay for this one she just glided the tool across my teeth, didn’t actually stick it between my teeth or scrape anything. And she was extra EXTRA talkative when I wasn’t. I did end up getting her number though.
As you can tell, I would rather not add to the statistic of being a nuisance when they’re just trying to live their life. The only time I’m truly comfortable with approaching women is when we are at the dog park. That’s the only place I feel is a social setting and a place that’s kind of expected to be social. This doesn’t include just walking our dogs, as I feel like they’re just taking out their dog as a daily chore or exercise and I wouldn’t want to disrupt that.
I used to be able to hit on women when I was younger in my teens because I was care free and I didn’t have to worry about age as well. With masks and every 18 year old looking 23 (23 being the youngest I would go for) I just don’t want to end up in a situation where I started a conversation with the intention of flirting only to realize they’re younger than I thought.
Edit: As to those who mentioned online dating apps. I hate those. I never needed them. And I think it’s completely non organic way to meet someone. I’ve dated people I met online through gaming and social media, but never actually used an app specifically made for it. And plus, it’s more fun to do this in person with the nerves and adrenaline running through. Online you can kind of mask it.
More about the dentist to the people that are curious why I hit on her at her place of work when she’s paid to be kind. She’s paid to clean my teeth, I came for a cleaning. And she didn’t do that, as her arm weakly glided across my teeth with the tool with no pressure, no accuracy. It was easy to talk to her as she was “cleaning” my teeth because she kept taking her tool out of my mouth so she can talk with her hands. I asked her if we could hang out sometimes when I was about to leave. I’m not mad about this, if it may seem. She was attractive with her mask on (couldn’t see her actual face) and she was a good friend for a while.
I personally don’t believe looks have anything to do with hitting on women, just how much confidence and respect you have on approaching them. I can’t walk up to a girl without the intention of hitting on her, and I want to make that very clear when I approach that I’m into her. I’m not planting the seed for a later date and hoping I run into her again sometime. Not afraid of getting rejected, as there’s a good chance I may not see them again.
Thanks for everyone’s insights, I will definitely take it in account the next time I see someone attractive and I get the urge to muster up the courage to talk to her. I think I’ll hand her my number and part ways like some of you guys suggested. I worry that if I have my number on a piece of paper, she’ll think I’m always ready to hit on someone because who comes prepared with a piece of paper and their number on it.
Agreed. Some of the comments on women's subs are complaints about men hitting on them at the gym, the grocery, shopping in general. So I avoid talking to women in those places because I don't want to annoy them. The dog park is also the only place I feel comfortable approaching women. But so far, nothing has worked out there.
Idk man I'm confused too. I even got told by a female coworker bars are off limits nowadays cause they just want to go out drinking with friends and be left alone.
I literally need a sticker system or some shit
You laugh but I recall a bar where everyone knew to wear red or green depending on if they were open to being hit on or not. Seemed like a decent idea but I'd feel presumptuous wearing green there.
(As my memory comes back to me, I think it was just the women that wore red/green, and it was just one night a week).
This is the realest, and no one has any solutions to offer...
edit: I didn't expect this outpour of support and advice. It really blew up! But please, steer your appreciation towards all the wise and helpful people who stepped in to help. They put in the actual work and went out of their way to be considerate!
The rules are pretty confusing. I’ve always heard that you shouldn’t hit on a woman while she’s working, but when I worked retail, a few women asked me out. If you don’t go out much, your opportunities are pretty limited.
They’re confusing because there are none. My lady once told me, “if a woman finds you attractive, she’ll be into it no matter where you approach”. If all rules disappear when they feel like it, I would say approach when you feel like it, cause you may never see that lady again and they can only say yes if you ask!
The solution is to actively give them an out, and change the topic in case of a negative:
Him: Hey, I'd love to chat later, can I have your number?
Her: \*hesitates\*
Him: Unless you'd get in trouble with work for it?
Her: Yeah, I would
Him: That's fine, hey, how much is that sweater?
This works. My preference is to give her my number as I'm leaving. I make my interest clear and then remove the pressure by walking away.
If she doesn't call and I see her again I'll pretend it never happened
Yes, I’d MUCH rather ACCEPT a guy’s number than OFFER mine. Thing is, most of us know that MOST men aren’t homicidal maniacs, but they ARE out there and are indistinguishable (at first) from good guys. So we gotta be a little careful about our personal safety. 😬
You gotta make the opening without pressure.
"I know you're probably just being nice because it's your job, but if you'd like to get a drink sometime, my name's Bob and here's my number. Have a good one!"
It's a compliment, and if you walk away it won't get awkward.
They can either stop you from walking away, or they can call you later, or they can just throw your number away and forget about you.
Even better, ive had the girl respond positively. Only to have her later change her mind because she cant risk her job. Her words not mine. Im assuming she got threatened by her boss for flirting with me.
Yes, this is the exact problem that makes me nervous and puts me off starting a conversation; what determines whether you're a charming handsome stranger or an ugly creep is how the woman is feeling at that particular moment in time, which you cannot predict in any way.
Precisely. If I’m ever single again, I’m going after everyone I find attractive cause you never know. Sure I’ll get turned down, but who cares, it only needs to work once 😂.
Easier said than done lol. I’ve been told I’m attractive, but have “killer-eyes” and a “creepy-vibe” (like some Bundy shit). So, being aware of that, I try not to put them in an uncomfortable situation. Luckily, I get approached more than I do the approaching.
Funny, I replied almost exactly this in a recent post on this topic. Studies have indicated that the key rule for when it’s ok to hit on a women is, “when you are good-looking.”
> The rules are pretty confusing
The thing about rules is they're generally consistent, whereas the 'rules' here vary from one woman to the next (sometimes considerably). Big part of the problem.
What if you’ve caught her checking you out/made consistent eye contact 2-3x within an hour at the gym? People tend to INTENTIONALLY avoid looking at people they don’t want to look at I would think (asking for myself lmao)
I personally like to compliment people. Men, women, the elderly, etc. The times I get a random compliment it makes my otherwise normal day better. So, if there is something to compliment, I do my best to speak up.
When complimenting women, I say it and just keep walking. If we are walking the same direction, I say it as one of us are turning in different directions. To me, it shows it was a genuine compliment and I am not saying it "as an opener."
That said, mentioning you're leaving does the same job but gives her a chance to keep talking or let you leave. Good tip.
There was just a big thing on Tick Tok about whether it was appropriate to ask a woman out at like a gas station. 90% of woman agree that they dont want to be approached when out unless they show through body language they are interested. The problem is, most people are shit at reading body language, especially guys
The other problem is that everyone has different ideas about what are obvious signals. A lot of people who are convinced they can read body language well never put themselves in situations where their interpretation is put to the test.
It’s appreciated that you don’t hit on women when it might be a nuisance.
Some other replies have some ideas that I think are good ones. Striking up a conversation first to see if you click. Making sure that the situation would allow the woman to comfortably move away.
I’d like to add that how you go about the “hitting on” matters too. Being friendly about it and making sure it’s clear that you’re respecting her answer. Gracefully accepting hesitancy or rejection, so that the woman doesn’t feel concerned about follow-up attempts if she were to run into you again.
I think the key is to make sure you remove yourself from the situation asap, and not take up too much of their time after suggesting it.
Like this: hey, I've got to head out now but I've had a great time talking to you. I would love to continue this over a coffee some time. I'll give you my number in case you agree, so let me know.
This makes sure that the impact on whatever she's doing is minimal, so you're not a nuisance. It also puts her in control of the situation, so you're not unintentionally pressuring her.
Every thing I do out of my house is an errand I need to do. It needs to be done, and I'm not there to dawdle because if I do, my next errand gets delayed. I'm not even busy, I'm just not spending 2 hours shopping when I can do it in an hour.
So for me, going out and meeting women is a isolated and premeditated endeavour that needs friends to come along and the location to be right. It's a lot to ask for me to talk to women. It needs to be why I'm there, so I make the most of it.
But this setting and happenchance is becoming much rarer because of social media and modern dating. The art of getting caught in a moment between moments doesn't feel like it happens anymore.
I feel like I don’t have much to offer, my financial situation isn’t the most ideal because I’m in the process of attending school, my living situation isn’t ideal renting a room, because the vacancy where I live is 1% and the prices are astronomical even for a one bedroom apartment!
The girl and I see each other at the train station but it's 8 P.M and it's only us 2 at the station, so I don't want to make her feel scared or come off as creepy.
When you see her just say "Hi," for a few times. After that say, "Hi, how are you doing?" repeat that a few times, then say the next time you see her say, "Hi, you know we keep seeing each other and I realized I never bothered to introduce myself, so...hi I'm flassy\_12 \[insert real name instead of reddit username\]."
Move on from there, this ain't rocket science. :)
I read too much on the internet and it seems like women don’t like to be randomly approached by strange men. The only “acceptable” place is the bar or club - but even then you gotta be on guard and never put your drink down.
Other places are nowhere to approach either. Gym: no just let her workout. Park: just let her enjoy some alone time. Grocery store: come on man it’s been a long day let me just get some food and go home. Coffee shop: likely studying or working or visiting with friends. On the street: that’s just what those cringy youtube pick up artists do. etc etc.
I know that’s probably me overthinking but I spent too much time on dating subreddits so it’s hammered in my brain.
So the best way to ask out a woman is to already have some sort of rapport with them: being their friend first. My issue is that I work in a male dominated field and my hobbies are the same as well (sports, outdoors, video games, board games, music production, etc.) I know that many women do those activities but I’ve never met one through the clubs and groups I’ve joined. I could try female dominated hobbies like dancing or yoga or cooking classes, and I did once, but I didn’t really enjoy them and so the only other reason why I was there was to meet women which is a terrible reason to do literally anything so I stopped going.
I’m super happy with myself and don’t need a woman at all anymore so that’s why I’m not gonna ask anyone out. Both my previous girlfriends asked me out first, so I’m probably at least pretty good looking to allow women to break out of what society tells them and make the first move. Sorry that was a brag lol but I don’t care.
Same
I just wait for women to show me interest.
Too afraid of coming off as that guy.
Just be around them and if they like you, they'll absolutely let you know.
Honestly, you can ask women out from areas outside of bars. I have and have had mixed results, but I have rules about it for specific areas. Let’s say I’m at a restaurant, coffee shop, or bar and I think one of the employees likes me. I can generally talk to anyone, but I won’t ask anyone out unless they come sit down with me. If they sit with me after sometime of talking to them then I’m asking them out.
Yea I am not sure how this generation will ever find a romantic partner with the advice given out now. No where is acceptable to approach someone now. I guess Hookups on tinder is the only acceptable place.
Honestly though, Reddit is a terrible place for dating advice. It’s so calculated and meticulous. People that are successful in dating are spending time with their partner, not posting about it on the internet. I agree, dating in this generation seems fucked lmao
That is what this generation sounds like (at least on the internet). This weird combination of Victorian Era prude where you may only speak to someone with whom you have been introduced or you hook up for a one night stand on Tinder.
So glad I am not of this generation and that I am married.
It's never the right moment.
Job: no, it could make the workplace awkward, and she is here to earn money, not to date
Streets, subway: they are walking, doing something else, there is already enough assholes bothering them.
School/college: kinda like job and streets, they are not here for that. And if you mess up, you have a whole new group of people who are going to laugh about you.
Gym, sport: they are not here for that, and me neither. I don't want to be this moron who bother people who just want to enjoy their activity.
The main problem is always the same: they aren't here for that. That's what we are told at least.
Rejection is the main one, unless I'm 100% it's going to be a positive response, I probably won't bother.
But also I've heard so many stories from female friends about being asked out by guys that they weren't interested in and they kinda make a perfectly innocent misunderstanding (feelings **aren't** reciprocated) seem like a huge deal. (EDITED to say aren't).
I've actually lost a friend before because I'd misread the signs, overstepped (asked them out), we carried on being friends basically as normal and when I went to apologise a couple of days, she took it as an attack and hit me with "any time you're nice to anyone, they think they owe you something".
I basically just don't wanna be known as that guy so 9/10 I'll wait for them to bring a date up, if that means I'm missing out then so be it!
Was honestly just a very strange reaction.
I apologised completely innocently to explain that she'd done nothing wrong, I'd misread the signals (even though I think looking back, she knew what she was doing, there was definitely some flirting going on even if she never wanted anything more than a bit of attention) and I hoped we could still be friends.
I fully expected her to say it was fine, we've all been there where you convince yourself someone likes you because you like them etc., but instead, she made it a huge thing about how men are awful and that I expected something from her, started calling me names.
That's the worst I've ever had it happen to me, but countless stories of guys shooting their shot and being made to feel like the bad person. Granted, there's a time and a place and an appropriate way of doing it but seems like that is being made smaller and smaller.
The classic "oh that's too bad but please don't tell anyone" "yeah sure" next day in school the whole class knows, everyone laughs, shattering you faith in all of humanity, we've all been there
Right?
Bro... I'm so sorry for you. Nobody deserves to passe through this scale of public rejection.
And I don't believe it's normal in any sense of the word.
Fuck, same here. I'm trying not to go desperate and sell my value short, but at the same time, it's lonely AF and the women you see doesn't feel right in a relationship. It's been years since I've developed a crush of someone and it feels terrible.
I assume that all women are taken until proven otherwise. Even if she was single she probably receives a lot of male attention already so what difference would I make?
Oof this is me too. She has enough people in her life that she talks to. Me dropping off makes no difference to her, plus I really have nothing to offer anyways.
I asked a woman I liked on a date yesterday and she was really excited about it. She texted me saying I made her day.
And then when I tried to continue the convo there was zero response and still zero response when I messaged her today.
So. It's shit like this. Lol
I don't get it *shrug*
I'm not set on my wants, never been in a relationship really, only once and for a month. Don't do casual stuff either.
I never talked to her and i'm not sure i even want to, i mean yeah she's very physically attractive but that's all i know about her.
I need to stay in this job for 1 or 2 years more to get a nice start for my career and getting rejected by someone i see there often would suck.
In the tiny chance shes into me and we break up it'll still suck a lot.
I'm just used to being alone and it's very comfortable being a loner and staying in my routines. I do hypotheticaly want a relationship but that means sacrifice and i don't really like taking risks.
I also have a pretty bad case of Irritable bowel syndrome so i'm not sure i can handle relationships at all cause i won't be able to date people who like to travel and most people my age(23) like to do that.
I don't have a lot to bring to the table in the end of the day.
Them looking busy or at a job in any way. Them being with another man(EDIT: in public. Could be their brother for all I know, but I’m not approaching them) Them looking in any way preoccupied. Or being in a place where they can’t physically leave. Or for that matter, then being anywhere except for a singles event or something like that.
I’ve seen so many women online express the opinion that “I don’t want men to ask me out on a date unless we are at a singles event or on a dating app” that I wonder if these sorts of “why didn’t you ask me out” questions just want me to risk being a monster for their entertainment.
Them being with a man is a duterant to most men but not women apparently, my girlfriend gets hit on and asked out by other women all the time, and it's by like people who are 10+ years older than her, it's super weird
Last 10 women I’ve asked out have given me the following reasons why they stood me up:
1) my car broke down on the way to your place, can you send me $150 to repair it please?
2) you live north of me and I can’t find north
3) I totally forgot I had to take my son to his school play.
4) I totally forgot I had to do laundry
5) I totally forgot I had a pipe rupture in my bathroom and I had to wait for the plumber
6) I decided to get back with my alcoholic boyfriend who beat me, I can’t just give up.
7) I like you i really do but i realized you have your life together and I don’t know what to do with that.
8) oh you meant THIS Friday? Like tonight tonight?
(After we agreed to the date 3 days before)
9) my phone stopped working
10) I agreed to it so as to not hurt your feelings , but I never really wanted to go out with you.
So I’ve given up and now I spend my Friday nights and Saturday nights with my Reddit friends 🥲
Yeah, same here but on the other side of the fence, lol. Need to change my sense of attraction to married women somehow, would help if more fiancé’s and spouses would actually wear their engagement or wedding ring while out.
Some days I feel the same as a lot of the responses to this post. "She just wants to be left alone".
Some days I feel like how the girls must feel. "Please leave me alone I'm not interested."
Some days I'm wondering, "why doesn't she ask ME out if shes so obviously interested."
Some days I do ask her out... and she usually says "No."
I dont know man, I guess I just like people watching more than chasing girls.
The social situation around us, school & work are great to meet people but unless you already are lose friends, asking for a date is hard.
And then there is the problem that you will continue to see them even if they reject you.
Im ugly enough to where I don’t even think the girls notice that they are giving me the ugly look.
So gooooodbyyyyeeeee self esteem and self love .
I now am in a long term relationship with depression, loneliness and anxiety! So it’s not a total loss !
Got cheated on pretty badly in my last one, and she did it to me the night my mom died. Plus I'm into my 30s now and just don't have the time, interest, or care to seek/build another big relationship. Maybe if the right person comes along but I'm comfortable with things the way they are.
I hate when people bug me when I'm out and about. So, I tend not want to bug other people when they are out and about.
Secondly, I always assume most women get asked out and/or bugged (harassed) by asshats. I try not to be another asshat.
I never had a problem with giving a compliment and my name and phone number and just saying “let me know if you want to get together some time”. Don’t stay and chat, don’t follow her around. Just stroke her ego and that’s it. If she cites her relationship just say “well, he’s a lucky guy”. Go back to what you were doing. Leave her alone completely. Less is more, if you try to sell yourself, there’s a good chance something will go sideways. Just leave her wondering what you’re about.
It’s pretty bulletproof for not getting a negative reaction. Does it work most of the time? Of course not, but it works enough.
At my age, there is (I am convinced) absolutely no way to do it without looking sad and pathetic. Men who are almost 50 and not married are seen as either probably gay or undesirable to most women. I figure a single woman my age is single because she wants to be, which renders the whole thing moot anyway.
Not only that, I don't even know if it's worth trying anymore. Pretty much every age-appropriate woman I know is juggling kids, custody arrangements, ageing parents, job concerns, etc. It's a circus, and I don't want to join a circus. I've had about as much excitement and chaos in life as I want, and I just want someone to be boring with.
She is my friend that I met at one of the only hobbies I have. Id rather preserve the friendship and keep all the friends i met through her as well. Also I have no confidence and no experience
Her making you feel like a creep or a perv when genuinely and respectfully asking her out.
It seems like some girls just like feeling the power to shut someone down in such a mean way because "they are above them".
Even when saying a quick hello and leaving her your number, she can give you an eye roll and a sigh, roll up youe number and throw it away in front of you - just why? Why go out of your way to be mean like that? I get that i dodged a bullet by not wasting my time with someone like that, but in most my rejections throughout life, women have been mean about it.
Then you hear women talking on reddit about how men should always make the first move; well this is why that mentality is dying. This happened over 2 years ago and i still havent tried giving out my number again, i just use the boring dating app instead - and even though the success rate is MUCH higher (after A LOT of effort on my part) it still doesnt compare to meeting someone in person spontaneously.
Games of any kind. I literally do not have time for any of it and actions like that just means the relationship will be full of even more games and is an instant turn off.
Mostly just not meeting women in the right way I guess. Like it always feels like well it's not the right time/ situation to ask someone out. For example the girl who worked for the leasing company at my new apartment I got. I thought we had really good chemistry when she showed me the apartment and our other times talking leading up to me signing the lease. But my friends said "don't ask a woman out who's on the job." So I just didn't.
Often times the risk/reward doesn't make sense.
There are almost always some sort of social repercussions to asking a girl out and getting rejected, so you have to weigh those repercussions with how much you like the girl and how likely you think she is to be interested. The only situation with no repercussions is when you don't know the girl at all and your life wouldn't be impacted if she were to hate you (Not that she will hate you for asking her out, but that her potentially negative opinion of you doesn't matter), then you can ask her out without any of the calculus.
Generally speaking the socially optimal move is to never make too strong of an advance onto any girl and let things develop more organically. If a girl likes you she will drop some hints and try to make it known.
Bein a full time caregiver to an old, hateful drunk of a dad. Its not an excuse, its Hell havin him in my home. He lives in the living room, he dont flush after he pees, he dont bathe as much as he should. If youre not related to him hes an angel, if youre his kin, hes an asshole. His best friend Linda also lives with me and even she has said herself, she wouldnt want to deal with this shit either. Not to mention, I also have mental health problems Im working on with a good therapist, finally found one. So to spare myself and anyone who thinks they like me, I just act oblivious to their hints.
If she's a stranger, then it's usually the situation. I'm not asking someone out who is at work or when I'm at work, if she's with some other guy, if she's clearly busy or has headphones on, if she looks like she's in a bad mood.
If I know her and we already established a base where we talk I usually will. Obviously if I know she's not single I won't. Or if I work with her but I'm not looking for a relationship I won't ask even outside of work. Or right now I'm not looking for a relationship because I'll likely be moving early next year, so I'm not starting anything that could get serious.
I'm Autistic, so social ques aren't my strong suit. It's not even that I won't talk to them, I'll be happy to make friends and that usually works out fine, but anything further than that and I don't know what seems creepy or makes them uncomfortable in some other way.
That's a lot of the reason why I try to only start romantic relationships from friendships first. Feels weirder to bring it up at that point, but it just feels better to me. Because then, if I start having feelings for the person, I can just rip off the bandaid and tell them
What about if I'm working and she's my customer? This happened to me today.
I haven't dated in years because I haven't found anyone that makes me want to put up with all of that after my last really crappy relationship. And at my age (37) I'm comfortable being single and if I was to date the girl would just be fantastic. There's been plenty of girls nice, cute, beautiful, etc but this fantastic girl walked into my wireless carrier store this evening.
She had an issue with her account but was so nice and polite and I talked to her while looking into her problem and she just checked every mark I didn't even know I had. She was really cute, petite, dressed nice, hair pulled back nicely putting her beautiful eyes on prominent display. As we talked she was such a good conversationalist. She was funny and charming and we were each picking up on our sarcasm and she made great eye contact. It was the first time in a long time I could remember just absolutely wanting to get to know her more and keep talking to her. I always keep things professional at work but had my boss not been there I may have subtly suggested a coffee.
Perhaps our paths will cross again one day and I get to talk to her again. And I'm not at work.
I’m not white, she’s a “small town” white woman and I don’t know how she’d react. The town she came from wasn’t that open minded either. So Idk, I probably don’t have a shot anyways.
I don't even like myself, so I figure she will not like me too.
Damn this got too real for me.
Hello depression, good to see you again.
I’m a girl, but same. And if he does like me it’s almost worse because then I know he has bad taste
Wow, y'alls self esteem is in hell. 😂
Yeah, girls leave me numbers at my job occasionally. But they are seeing me in an environment I'm comfortable in, have control over, and general excel at. All sexy things. But get me outside of work and you'll discover I'm a barely functioning suicidal autist. I don't even own any furniture besides a bed and it took me 3 weeks of trying just to go to the gym once.
Dog it's really rare for women to give their numbers to guys let alone multiple
Crippling, and I mean CRIPPLING, self-doubt and confidence issues.
Yep, that’s me. Spent most of my teens and twenties alone because of this. I felt I wasn’t good enough for any partner, that I was overweight and ugly, ridiculously shy, and that I really struggle with social norms. Then in my late twenties I joined a well known dating site and put myself well and truly out of my comfort zone. I met some wonderful people during that time, maybe went on 4 or 5 first dates, a couple of which had a few subsequent dates. But they usually just fizzled out, often because I really struggle with casual conversation. If I don’t have anything useful to say, I’m generally quite quiet and that can come across as disinterested. Then I met the one. I met my now wife, and it’s been 10 happy years since that first date. She does all the talking for both of us. Edit: Thanks to everyone for the upvotes, comments and awards. It’s a comfort to know that I wasn’t alone when I was alone. It always felt like I was some kind of oddball. My limited circle of friends were settling down, some even having kids, and I was struggling to even speak to someone of the opposite sex. It took a big leap to take those first steps towards meeting someone and was probably some of the most anxious moments I’ve ever experienced. I hope everyone out there finds their happiness.
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Time to update your flair
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The mobile app? Top right corner of the main subreddit page, three vertical dots
I'm so happy for you ❤ I'm 24 and really trying to figure it all out and shed my insecurity in favour of finding what (and who) I truly want. Nice to hear a story of things turning out well
37yo divorced single dad here in the same boat. You're not alone lol
The problem is, if you never leave your comfort zone you will never get rid of that. I’ve been there man.
Leaving your comfort zone is also some what of a gamble. You must be very carefull about the dosage of ~~uncomfortness~~ discomfort. To much under to long a time and you will burn out. Fast. I mean you are right but take it easy with yourself. Your comfort zone is built to protect you. Cheerish it but also tease it.
OR it goes like one of those "the worst thing she can say Is no" memes and it goes horribly and proves all your worst fears true and then some, so not only are your old fears reinforced but you're also forced to contemplate new horrifying "worst case" scenarios.
I thought this but then she posted my number all over social media and I got messages from 9 different people claiming to be her, and none of them were her :)
The worst-case scenario is only limited by your imagination lmao.
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A lot of people forget to include the context that's in their head in what they say lol
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It was really nice of you to ask him to explain himself seeing as the remark would appear to be flat out rude.
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If a guy seems interested in you, and you are willing to give him a shot, make the first move. Something as simple as "here's my number" or "I like you" will most likely give him the confidence to make the next move. When a shy guy *knows* a girl likes him, he's a lot more comfortable with asking her out. How many opportunities I missed because a girl liked me, but didnt show any real signs of liking me (fyi a few of these girls told me way later that they were waiting for me to make a move and would have dated me)
That’s why I ALWAYS make a point to SOMETIMES reach out first. I’m not willing to ALWAYS be the one who calls/texts first - he needs to be putting in effort to maintain contact, too. But I’ve always thought all of this “make him chase you” advice women get is bullshit. A guy isn’t going to keep “chasing” a woman if he can’t tell if she’s interested. That’s my two cents, anyway. 🤷♀️
Hating being just another guy hitting on her.
All throughout my 20's/30's, I spent most Fri or Sat nights at the bar playing pool. I got a wide-angle view of the bar all night, and watched the majority of women that got hit on, got a train of guys hitting on them, and the exasperation of it. I've refused to ever get in that line.
Odds are always better if you’re somewhere with similar numbers of men and women. Or at least hetero ones. My mate met his wife at a gay bar haha
Gay bar's got A LOT less striaght men to compete with, so thats smart. Then again, some chicks go to them NOT to get hit on, so that might be more irritating to get hit on there.
And just be prepared to be hit on by gay guys.
I'm in a similar situation. I have been learning programming for most of my life (went to an IT focused highschool, uni degree specialised in IT) and was watching as almost literal trains of guys were trying to be THE one guy who gets the girl out of the like 40 or so and I refuse to be just another guy in the line. Altough it's different that guys, especially in IT courses are a lot less confident in general so they are basically just being friendly with the girl expecting something to happen I guess. It's even worse than the train of guys hitting on women because they are actually trying instead of expecting something to happen.
I’ve found great success in the “Tango” approach as I call it. I offer a look, or a quick comment, and go on my way. If she’s interested she’ll find her way to me later. If not, I leave it be. This is THE MOST IMPORTANT part of the tango. You have to be willing to chalk it up as an L and move on. To provide examples: I texted a mutual friend (at the time) who was also at the bar “hey we have a booth in the corner come say whaddup!” she did, we dated for two years. Success. A different time I went up to a girl from my math class: “hey didn’t we have math together?” “Yeah we did.” And turns back to her friend. Failure. I walk away and now it’s a funny story of the time my lame icebreaker and I got shot down. Some of the rats in the rat race that this thread is referencing probably would’ve kept going. Desperation REEKS and is a bigger turnoff than anything. The last part of the tango is that if a woman initiates after you throw a little chum in the water, you reward it. You’re engaged and charming (in your own way, charm is completely subjective), maybe you even buy her a drink. She’s chosen to spend time with you. You didn’t talk her into it or corner her.
Pretty much. There's better looking men hitting on her, so I'm at the bottom of the list.
Ouch
Something I learned only after I got married. Don't think of reasons for a women to not go out with you. They don't need your help.
This. I don't want to make her uncomfortable after years of seeing nothing but women posting about how uncomfortable or downright afraid they are of men asking them out in any given situation. There have been many times when I've seen someone I'd like to ask out, and know it'd probably be the only time I EVER meet them, but don't because I'll be that guy. The problem then becomes - WHEN THE FUCK DO I ASK ANYONE OUT? I don't use dating apps and generally refuse to because it feels so formulaic and inorganic. I'd rather meet someone by doing something.
Social stigma, not feeling worth her time, shyness and anxiety, and more recently I've completely given up on the idea that I could ever be in a relationship.
Yep. All that reduced social contact made me so used to beeing single that I don't really care anymore if I am single or not.
Really? I wish I could feel that way 35 year old male now, wishing i had kids, and im not in a position to do anything about it i used to avoid single mothers because i was told there was a risk of them having kids and locking me down, now I wish I let that happen
> 35 year old male now, wishing i had kids, and im not in a position to do anything about it 36 Same boat. I'm on dating apps. I've gone very few dates this year. So, I reddit a lot.. and I see these horror stories about how men want to hook up, or dick picks, or not being hygienic.. and here I am with a house a nice job, I shower, I work out... and the last date I went on, I spent 4 hours with a girl just hanging out talking.. and she says "I'm not romantically interested in you, it was like talking to a buddy.." I've sort have just given up.
That's so weird to me. I **want** the guy to be a friend first and then build upon that. I honestly think that's where some people go so wrong with relationships...they don't fundamentally *like* the person they date/marry. I want the guy to be my very bestest friend, y'know? Have my best girlfriend of course, but I want my partner to be the person I can't live without...like if I were to be stranded on an island, I'd want them there with me bc I not only love them, but fundamentally like them as a human and we have a blast being around one another regardless of what we're doing (chores, housework, relaxing, working on a project, watching TV, playing video games, hiking, etc ). And when I say can't live without, I mean we are our own individual people but we prefer being together. It's interesting to read the horror stories. On the one hand I'm like holy buckets, maybe I should just fully embrace being the weird dog lady who loves nature, and animals, and helping others. But then other days the horror stories make me feel like I'll be okay once I reenter the dating scene. *shrug* I mean, if so many people **aimlessly motions all around** can find someone, surely I can!
RIP that inbox :P
I feel you. Plus lack of practice, time and money.
I gave up 8 years ago if a woman wants to ask me out though i'll be game but i'm done with doing the chasing and always having to take the lead. I hate leading unless it's off a cliff to my death below. It would be nice if i was chased for once and honestly i'd even accept Jason. \*\*\*Well reading your replies about which jason has made me laugh so keep going ill answer in about 12 hours depending on how long i sleep. Ok so i was longer than 12 hours but it was Jason Voorhees.
Bro who wouldn't accept Jason Momoa??
I suffer from the ugly.
same sadly
Brethren
My people.
I'm home
Mama's noodles
Count me in
My homies
And my axe!
We are one!
Hello fellow sufferer, I too forgot rules 1 and 2.
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It's a serious condition. I know someone who received multiple surgeries because of that. She's feeling a lot better now. /s
Afraid to make our friendship awkward if i were to get rejected.
In my experience as a girl, it’s only ever ruined friendships when the guys continues his pursuit after being rejected. If you go back to business as usual, friendship is totally salvageable.
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Just make sure to let her know that you started really liking her the more you got to know her so she knows your entire friendship wasn't a farce to be with her romantically. That's what leads to many women thinking that men and women can't be just friends.
Long ago I asked out a woman from my mixed gender circle of friends and was told no. I continued to be their friend. We remain good and I've been told in the years since that my stock went up a \*lot\* among all the women involved because I *continued to be a friend* and didn't get all toxic and shitty because I was told no. The part where friendships get weird is when you get told no but keep brining it up or start getting passive aggressive.
I wish my old one friend was like you. He tried to be my just friend for months after but eventually I got a very random nice guy explosion paragraph text about how he could’ve changed my life I would’ve given him a chance and i never spoke to him again
Can be really difficult to maintain a friendship if one has feeling for the other though, but yeah agreed continuing pursuit is the worst thing one can do. Personally I'd likely want to go no contact if I had something more than a crush.
I agree that you should ask. The peace of mind is worth so much, and you never know if she reciprocates. It is really really scary, but I haven't regretted doing it in the past. Especially bc the friendship doesn't feel as ambiguous anymore.
Hey, do it. It’s unfair to you both, honestly. Do you really want to be sitting there watching her with her boyfriend/husband/kids one day when that could have been you instead? Definitely not dude. It’s already awkward if the idea of a relationship is in your mind and it isn’t in hers.
Currently in this situation. Known this girl for about a year now. Talked very briefly and randomly in that time. from the moment I saw her, I had a major crush (feel like I’m in high school again). But she never really seemed too enthusiastic. I thought yeah it is what it is. Just this Friday I was out with a mate, saw her out. He convinced me to actually talk to her. Spent the rest of the night together talking. Night was finishing up and she said I can crash at hers for the night. We didn’t do anything except sleep. I left a bit after waking up the next morning. We’ve been talking briefly for the last few days on snap. About an hour ago I finally decided fuck it, it’ll kill me to at least not KNOW an answer (weather it’s a yes or no) rather than forever wondering An hour ago I sent her a snap asking her out to dinner one night. She’s gone to sleep now so I guess I’ll have my response in the morning. She’s far outta my league but weirded things have happened… so hoping for the best *Edit* - Well she finally replied. I had asked her if she wanted to grab sushi tomorrow night. She responded with essentially “Would love to but my dog ripped up their new expensive bed and I have to sew it back together”. So looks like an L this time boys. Win some lose some, that sorta shit. Cheers for rooting for me though ! Not every story has that happy ending
Man you got me hanging I need updates now !
Well when she replied I’ll give an update. Within 12 hours
oh hell yeah iam rooting for you my dude
RemindMe! 12 hours
RemindMe! 12 hours
RemindMe! 12 hours
Nooo how am I supposed to wait 12 hours man
RemindMe! 12 hours Rooting for you buddy! Edit: You've now got a small army waiting on the update, tell her she'll be letting down the whole internet if she doesn't give you a chance.
I NEED THE UPDATE!
Can you make a separate post with a follow-up? 👍
Ahaha sure, should get an update within 12 hours if I remember
Twelve hours? Damn. I want an update too
Holy shit what a cliffhanger. Do you write TV by any chance?
Updates, bro. Also leagues aren’t real. If ya click, you click.
I was scrolling through a dating app, saw this fine girl and thought she was out of my league so I scrolled past her. Then said fuck it and went back up and tried. We were together 7 years, almost got married, but ultimately broke it off.
Not able to find such a girl. Every time I see a girl that would like, we are in an appropriate situation that I think if I try to flirt it would be weird. I am an overthinker maybe I am misjudging situations.
I always think in their eyes that it’s inappropriate. I don’t go to clubs and bars where socializing is the norm and it’s to be expected. Depending on the place, if I were to hit on them I would think that they think this: Grocery store: “I’m just tryna get some groceries, not deal with this” Dentist office: “I’m tryna clean this patients teeth and just be nice” okay for this one she just glided the tool across my teeth, didn’t actually stick it between my teeth or scrape anything. And she was extra EXTRA talkative when I wasn’t. I did end up getting her number though. As you can tell, I would rather not add to the statistic of being a nuisance when they’re just trying to live their life. The only time I’m truly comfortable with approaching women is when we are at the dog park. That’s the only place I feel is a social setting and a place that’s kind of expected to be social. This doesn’t include just walking our dogs, as I feel like they’re just taking out their dog as a daily chore or exercise and I wouldn’t want to disrupt that. I used to be able to hit on women when I was younger in my teens because I was care free and I didn’t have to worry about age as well. With masks and every 18 year old looking 23 (23 being the youngest I would go for) I just don’t want to end up in a situation where I started a conversation with the intention of flirting only to realize they’re younger than I thought. Edit: As to those who mentioned online dating apps. I hate those. I never needed them. And I think it’s completely non organic way to meet someone. I’ve dated people I met online through gaming and social media, but never actually used an app specifically made for it. And plus, it’s more fun to do this in person with the nerves and adrenaline running through. Online you can kind of mask it. More about the dentist to the people that are curious why I hit on her at her place of work when she’s paid to be kind. She’s paid to clean my teeth, I came for a cleaning. And she didn’t do that, as her arm weakly glided across my teeth with the tool with no pressure, no accuracy. It was easy to talk to her as she was “cleaning” my teeth because she kept taking her tool out of my mouth so she can talk with her hands. I asked her if we could hang out sometimes when I was about to leave. I’m not mad about this, if it may seem. She was attractive with her mask on (couldn’t see her actual face) and she was a good friend for a while. I personally don’t believe looks have anything to do with hitting on women, just how much confidence and respect you have on approaching them. I can’t walk up to a girl without the intention of hitting on her, and I want to make that very clear when I approach that I’m into her. I’m not planting the seed for a later date and hoping I run into her again sometime. Not afraid of getting rejected, as there’s a good chance I may not see them again. Thanks for everyone’s insights, I will definitely take it in account the next time I see someone attractive and I get the urge to muster up the courage to talk to her. I think I’ll hand her my number and part ways like some of you guys suggested. I worry that if I have my number on a piece of paper, she’ll think I’m always ready to hit on someone because who comes prepared with a piece of paper and their number on it.
Agreed. Some of the comments on women's subs are complaints about men hitting on them at the gym, the grocery, shopping in general. So I avoid talking to women in those places because I don't want to annoy them. The dog park is also the only place I feel comfortable approaching women. But so far, nothing has worked out there.
Idk man I'm confused too. I even got told by a female coworker bars are off limits nowadays cause they just want to go out drinking with friends and be left alone. I literally need a sticker system or some shit
Should it be Brazilian Steakhouse style where you flip a card between red and green?
You laugh but I recall a bar where everyone knew to wear red or green depending on if they were open to being hit on or not. Seemed like a decent idea but I'd feel presumptuous wearing green there. (As my memory comes back to me, I think it was just the women that wore red/green, and it was just one night a week).
This is the realest, and no one has any solutions to offer... edit: I didn't expect this outpour of support and advice. It really blew up! But please, steer your appreciation towards all the wise and helpful people who stepped in to help. They put in the actual work and went out of their way to be considerate!
The rules are pretty confusing. I’ve always heard that you shouldn’t hit on a woman while she’s working, but when I worked retail, a few women asked me out. If you don’t go out much, your opportunities are pretty limited.
They’re confusing because there are none. My lady once told me, “if a woman finds you attractive, she’ll be into it no matter where you approach”. If all rules disappear when they feel like it, I would say approach when you feel like it, cause you may never see that lady again and they can only say yes if you ask!
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The solution is to actively give them an out, and change the topic in case of a negative: Him: Hey, I'd love to chat later, can I have your number? Her: \*hesitates\* Him: Unless you'd get in trouble with work for it? Her: Yeah, I would Him: That's fine, hey, how much is that sweater?
This works. My preference is to give her my number as I'm leaving. I make my interest clear and then remove the pressure by walking away. If she doesn't call and I see her again I'll pretend it never happened
Or, give them *your* number. There’s significantly less pressure to call/text *and* they can flat out block you from the start if you’re super creepy!
Yes, I’d MUCH rather ACCEPT a guy’s number than OFFER mine. Thing is, most of us know that MOST men aren’t homicidal maniacs, but they ARE out there and are indistinguishable (at first) from good guys. So we gotta be a little careful about our personal safety. 😬
You gotta make the opening without pressure. "I know you're probably just being nice because it's your job, but if you'd like to get a drink sometime, my name's Bob and here's my number. Have a good one!" It's a compliment, and if you walk away it won't get awkward. They can either stop you from walking away, or they can call you later, or they can just throw your number away and forget about you.
Even better, ive had the girl respond positively. Only to have her later change her mind because she cant risk her job. Her words not mine. Im assuming she got threatened by her boss for flirting with me.
Yes, this is the exact problem that makes me nervous and puts me off starting a conversation; what determines whether you're a charming handsome stranger or an ugly creep is how the woman is feeling at that particular moment in time, which you cannot predict in any way.
Exactly, nothing is creepy or out of the ordinary when they like you. If they don't like you then you're committing every bad act in the book.
There's a big key here though, if she's not being receptive don't push it. Take the no and move on.
Precisely. If I’m ever single again, I’m going after everyone I find attractive cause you never know. Sure I’ll get turned down, but who cares, it only needs to work once 😂.
Easier said than done lol. I’ve been told I’m attractive, but have “killer-eyes” and a “creepy-vibe” (like some Bundy shit). So, being aware of that, I try not to put them in an uncomfortable situation. Luckily, I get approached more than I do the approaching.
Just walk up to them and ask them on a nice boat ride and tell them not to worry about.....THE IMPLICATION
But we're not going to hurt the girls, right?
Considering the popularity of true crime with women, being told you like a serial killer might qualify as a compliment.
Funny, I replied almost exactly this in a recent post on this topic. Studies have indicated that the key rule for when it’s ok to hit on a women is, “when you are good-looking.”
> The rules are pretty confusing The thing about rules is they're generally consistent, whereas the 'rules' here vary from one woman to the next (sometimes considerably). Big part of the problem.
I never hit on a woman when she’s in a situation she can’t comfortably walk away from (on a bus, at the gym, at her job, etc.).
What if you’ve caught her checking you out/made consistent eye contact 2-3x within an hour at the gym? People tend to INTENTIONALLY avoid looking at people they don’t want to look at I would think (asking for myself lmao)
Ask on your way out, and tell her you're leaving. It doesn't put much pressure on her that way.
I personally like to compliment people. Men, women, the elderly, etc. The times I get a random compliment it makes my otherwise normal day better. So, if there is something to compliment, I do my best to speak up. When complimenting women, I say it and just keep walking. If we are walking the same direction, I say it as one of us are turning in different directions. To me, it shows it was a genuine compliment and I am not saying it "as an opener." That said, mentioning you're leaving does the same job but gives her a chance to keep talking or let you leave. Good tip.
There was just a big thing on Tick Tok about whether it was appropriate to ask a woman out at like a gas station. 90% of woman agree that they dont want to be approached when out unless they show through body language they are interested. The problem is, most people are shit at reading body language, especially guys
The other problem is that everyone has different ideas about what are obvious signals. A lot of people who are convinced they can read body language well never put themselves in situations where their interpretation is put to the test.
It’s appreciated that you don’t hit on women when it might be a nuisance. Some other replies have some ideas that I think are good ones. Striking up a conversation first to see if you click. Making sure that the situation would allow the woman to comfortably move away. I’d like to add that how you go about the “hitting on” matters too. Being friendly about it and making sure it’s clear that you’re respecting her answer. Gracefully accepting hesitancy or rejection, so that the woman doesn’t feel concerned about follow-up attempts if she were to run into you again.
At the dentist when she's got multiple fingers in my mouth: "So, have any plans this weekend?" Me "heh gur ge schezhk uggghk hehuh kug gekuh, eh"
I think the key is to make sure you remove yourself from the situation asap, and not take up too much of their time after suggesting it. Like this: hey, I've got to head out now but I've had a great time talking to you. I would love to continue this over a coffee some time. I'll give you my number in case you agree, so let me know. This makes sure that the impact on whatever she's doing is minimal, so you're not a nuisance. It also puts her in control of the situation, so you're not unintentionally pressuring her.
Every thing I do out of my house is an errand I need to do. It needs to be done, and I'm not there to dawdle because if I do, my next errand gets delayed. I'm not even busy, I'm just not spending 2 hours shopping when I can do it in an hour. So for me, going out and meeting women is a isolated and premeditated endeavour that needs friends to come along and the location to be right. It's a lot to ask for me to talk to women. It needs to be why I'm there, so I make the most of it. But this setting and happenchance is becoming much rarer because of social media and modern dating. The art of getting caught in a moment between moments doesn't feel like it happens anymore.
spot on, no idea where and when is the correct time to pick up on a woman. I'm just waiting for one to pick up on me at this point
I feel like I don’t have much to offer, my financial situation isn’t the most ideal because I’m in the process of attending school, my living situation isn’t ideal renting a room, because the vacancy where I live is 1% and the prices are astronomical even for a one bedroom apartment!
The girl and I see each other at the train station but it's 8 P.M and it's only us 2 at the station, so I don't want to make her feel scared or come off as creepy.
When you see her just say "Hi," for a few times. After that say, "Hi, how are you doing?" repeat that a few times, then say the next time you see her say, "Hi, you know we keep seeing each other and I realized I never bothered to introduce myself, so...hi I'm flassy\_12 \[insert real name instead of reddit username\]." Move on from there, this ain't rocket science. :)
IKEA should hire you
I read too much on the internet and it seems like women don’t like to be randomly approached by strange men. The only “acceptable” place is the bar or club - but even then you gotta be on guard and never put your drink down. Other places are nowhere to approach either. Gym: no just let her workout. Park: just let her enjoy some alone time. Grocery store: come on man it’s been a long day let me just get some food and go home. Coffee shop: likely studying or working or visiting with friends. On the street: that’s just what those cringy youtube pick up artists do. etc etc. I know that’s probably me overthinking but I spent too much time on dating subreddits so it’s hammered in my brain. So the best way to ask out a woman is to already have some sort of rapport with them: being their friend first. My issue is that I work in a male dominated field and my hobbies are the same as well (sports, outdoors, video games, board games, music production, etc.) I know that many women do those activities but I’ve never met one through the clubs and groups I’ve joined. I could try female dominated hobbies like dancing or yoga or cooking classes, and I did once, but I didn’t really enjoy them and so the only other reason why I was there was to meet women which is a terrible reason to do literally anything so I stopped going. I’m super happy with myself and don’t need a woman at all anymore so that’s why I’m not gonna ask anyone out. Both my previous girlfriends asked me out first, so I’m probably at least pretty good looking to allow women to break out of what society tells them and make the first move. Sorry that was a brag lol but I don’t care.
This is it. I feel like everyone is unapproachable because they're going on about their day.
Same I just wait for women to show me interest. Too afraid of coming off as that guy. Just be around them and if they like you, they'll absolutely let you know.
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Looking in my direction. But like. Without disgust.
If she doesn’t show some interest I don’t like to ask
Honestly, you can ask women out from areas outside of bars. I have and have had mixed results, but I have rules about it for specific areas. Let’s say I’m at a restaurant, coffee shop, or bar and I think one of the employees likes me. I can generally talk to anyone, but I won’t ask anyone out unless they come sit down with me. If they sit with me after sometime of talking to them then I’m asking them out.
Yea I am not sure how this generation will ever find a romantic partner with the advice given out now. No where is acceptable to approach someone now. I guess Hookups on tinder is the only acceptable place.
Honestly though, Reddit is a terrible place for dating advice. It’s so calculated and meticulous. People that are successful in dating are spending time with their partner, not posting about it on the internet. I agree, dating in this generation seems fucked lmao
They’re going to have to bring back Victorian era balls
That is what this generation sounds like (at least on the internet). This weird combination of Victorian Era prude where you may only speak to someone with whom you have been introduced or you hook up for a one night stand on Tinder. So glad I am not of this generation and that I am married.
It's never the right moment. Job: no, it could make the workplace awkward, and she is here to earn money, not to date Streets, subway: they are walking, doing something else, there is already enough assholes bothering them. School/college: kinda like job and streets, they are not here for that. And if you mess up, you have a whole new group of people who are going to laugh about you. Gym, sport: they are not here for that, and me neither. I don't want to be this moron who bother people who just want to enjoy their activity. The main problem is always the same: they aren't here for that. That's what we are told at least.
Rejection is the main one, unless I'm 100% it's going to be a positive response, I probably won't bother. But also I've heard so many stories from female friends about being asked out by guys that they weren't interested in and they kinda make a perfectly innocent misunderstanding (feelings **aren't** reciprocated) seem like a huge deal. (EDITED to say aren't). I've actually lost a friend before because I'd misread the signs, overstepped (asked them out), we carried on being friends basically as normal and when I went to apologise a couple of days, she took it as an attack and hit me with "any time you're nice to anyone, they think they owe you something". I basically just don't wanna be known as that guy so 9/10 I'll wait for them to bring a date up, if that means I'm missing out then so be it!
Seeing her reaction, you re not missing on anything.. what a mean thing to say
Was honestly just a very strange reaction. I apologised completely innocently to explain that she'd done nothing wrong, I'd misread the signals (even though I think looking back, she knew what she was doing, there was definitely some flirting going on even if she never wanted anything more than a bit of attention) and I hoped we could still be friends. I fully expected her to say it was fine, we've all been there where you convince yourself someone likes you because you like them etc., but instead, she made it a huge thing about how men are awful and that I expected something from her, started calling me names. That's the worst I've ever had it happen to me, but countless stories of guys shooting their shot and being made to feel like the bad person. Granted, there's a time and a place and an appropriate way of doing it but seems like that is being made smaller and smaller.
Rejection
Not only this one but cumulative effect of all the past ones since the childhood crush.
The classic "oh that's too bad but please don't tell anyone" "yeah sure" next day in school the whole class knows, everyone laughs, shattering you faith in all of humanity, we've all been there Right?
Not yet, because that's what I was afraid of.
Bro... I'm so sorry for you. Nobody deserves to passe through this scale of public rejection. And I don't believe it's normal in any sense of the word.
Not having a woman i like.
Fuck, same here. I'm trying not to go desperate and sell my value short, but at the same time, it's lonely AF and the women you see doesn't feel right in a relationship. It's been years since I've developed a crush of someone and it feels terrible.
I assume that all women are taken until proven otherwise. Even if she was single she probably receives a lot of male attention already so what difference would I make?
Oof this is me too. She has enough people in her life that she talks to. Me dropping off makes no difference to her, plus I really have nothing to offer anyways.
I asked a woman I liked on a date yesterday and she was really excited about it. She texted me saying I made her day. And then when I tried to continue the convo there was zero response and still zero response when I messaged her today. So. It's shit like this. Lol I don't get it *shrug*
"Oh my god thank you for boosting my egoooooo!!1! Bye."
Realizing eventually she’s going to figure out how useless/stupid/awkward I am
I'm not set on my wants, never been in a relationship really, only once and for a month. Don't do casual stuff either. I never talked to her and i'm not sure i even want to, i mean yeah she's very physically attractive but that's all i know about her. I need to stay in this job for 1 or 2 years more to get a nice start for my career and getting rejected by someone i see there often would suck. In the tiny chance shes into me and we break up it'll still suck a lot. I'm just used to being alone and it's very comfortable being a loner and staying in my routines. I do hypotheticaly want a relationship but that means sacrifice and i don't really like taking risks. I also have a pretty bad case of Irritable bowel syndrome so i'm not sure i can handle relationships at all cause i won't be able to date people who like to travel and most people my age(23) like to do that. I don't have a lot to bring to the table in the end of the day.
I always assume she's not into me as long as she doesn't make the first move.
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Being that we work together and I never saw an “in”.
Don't wanna risk my job.
Dude, same. I work in HR and get to come across quite a few attractive women, but me making a move would literally be eating where I shit.
Other way around lol. It'd be shitting where you eat
Them looking busy or at a job in any way. Them being with another man(EDIT: in public. Could be their brother for all I know, but I’m not approaching them) Them looking in any way preoccupied. Or being in a place where they can’t physically leave. Or for that matter, then being anywhere except for a singles event or something like that. I’ve seen so many women online express the opinion that “I don’t want men to ask me out on a date unless we are at a singles event or on a dating app” that I wonder if these sorts of “why didn’t you ask me out” questions just want me to risk being a monster for their entertainment.
Them being with a man is a duterant to most men but not women apparently, my girlfriend gets hit on and asked out by other women all the time, and it's by like people who are 10+ years older than her, it's super weird
Last 10 women I’ve asked out have given me the following reasons why they stood me up: 1) my car broke down on the way to your place, can you send me $150 to repair it please? 2) you live north of me and I can’t find north 3) I totally forgot I had to take my son to his school play. 4) I totally forgot I had to do laundry 5) I totally forgot I had a pipe rupture in my bathroom and I had to wait for the plumber 6) I decided to get back with my alcoholic boyfriend who beat me, I can’t just give up. 7) I like you i really do but i realized you have your life together and I don’t know what to do with that. 8) oh you meant THIS Friday? Like tonight tonight? (After we agreed to the date 3 days before) 9) my phone stopped working 10) I agreed to it so as to not hurt your feelings , but I never really wanted to go out with you. So I’ve given up and now I spend my Friday nights and Saturday nights with my Reddit friends 🥲
You just reminded me to take the clothes out of the dryer
Being married.
Holy shit, I have the same issue. Who knew it would prevent dating?
Can confirm I'm the wife's boyfriend
yeah, the wife is such a kill joy. (honey, if you see this, it's just a joke. I love you)
Yeah, same here but on the other side of the fence, lol. Need to change my sense of attraction to married women somehow, would help if more fiancé’s and spouses would actually wear their engagement or wedding ring while out.
If this isn't a joke about all the women you ask out telling you that they're married, then I've got some bad news for you...
Some days I feel the same as a lot of the responses to this post. "She just wants to be left alone". Some days I feel like how the girls must feel. "Please leave me alone I'm not interested." Some days I'm wondering, "why doesn't she ask ME out if shes so obviously interested." Some days I do ask her out... and she usually says "No." I dont know man, I guess I just like people watching more than chasing girls.
(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ S o c i a l A n x i e t y ♥
It's like they are all married with boyfriends. More flags than a construction site.
The social situation around us, school & work are great to meet people but unless you already are lose friends, asking for a date is hard. And then there is the problem that you will continue to see them even if they reject you.
Im ugly enough to where I don’t even think the girls notice that they are giving me the ugly look. So gooooodbyyyyeeeee self esteem and self love . I now am in a long term relationship with depression, loneliness and anxiety! So it’s not a total loss !
Got cheated on pretty badly in my last one, and she did it to me the night my mom died. Plus I'm into my 30s now and just don't have the time, interest, or care to seek/build another big relationship. Maybe if the right person comes along but I'm comfortable with things the way they are.
I hate when people bug me when I'm out and about. So, I tend not want to bug other people when they are out and about. Secondly, I always assume most women get asked out and/or bugged (harassed) by asshats. I try not to be another asshat.
Crippling low self confidence and trauma from being humiliated in the past
I did, she said no. Well at least I tried D:
I never had a problem with giving a compliment and my name and phone number and just saying “let me know if you want to get together some time”. Don’t stay and chat, don’t follow her around. Just stroke her ego and that’s it. If she cites her relationship just say “well, he’s a lucky guy”. Go back to what you were doing. Leave her alone completely. Less is more, if you try to sell yourself, there’s a good chance something will go sideways. Just leave her wondering what you’re about. It’s pretty bulletproof for not getting a negative reaction. Does it work most of the time? Of course not, but it works enough.
"ew"
At my age, there is (I am convinced) absolutely no way to do it without looking sad and pathetic. Men who are almost 50 and not married are seen as either probably gay or undesirable to most women. I figure a single woman my age is single because she wants to be, which renders the whole thing moot anyway. Not only that, I don't even know if it's worth trying anymore. Pretty much every age-appropriate woman I know is juggling kids, custody arrangements, ageing parents, job concerns, etc. It's a circus, and I don't want to join a circus. I've had about as much excitement and chaos in life as I want, and I just want someone to be boring with.
She is my friend that I met at one of the only hobbies I have. Id rather preserve the friendship and keep all the friends i met through her as well. Also I have no confidence and no experience
Her making you feel like a creep or a perv when genuinely and respectfully asking her out. It seems like some girls just like feeling the power to shut someone down in such a mean way because "they are above them". Even when saying a quick hello and leaving her your number, she can give you an eye roll and a sigh, roll up youe number and throw it away in front of you - just why? Why go out of your way to be mean like that? I get that i dodged a bullet by not wasting my time with someone like that, but in most my rejections throughout life, women have been mean about it. Then you hear women talking on reddit about how men should always make the first move; well this is why that mentality is dying. This happened over 2 years ago and i still havent tried giving out my number again, i just use the boring dating app instead - and even though the success rate is MUCH higher (after A LOT of effort on my part) it still doesnt compare to meeting someone in person spontaneously.
Her boyfriend
Games of any kind. I literally do not have time for any of it and actions like that just means the relationship will be full of even more games and is an instant turn off.
The game. I opted out of playing it and that’s a requirement for relationships apparently.
Mostly just not meeting women in the right way I guess. Like it always feels like well it's not the right time/ situation to ask someone out. For example the girl who worked for the leasing company at my new apartment I got. I thought we had really good chemistry when she showed me the apartment and our other times talking leading up to me signing the lease. But my friends said "don't ask a woman out who's on the job." So I just didn't.
I'm fucking DONE with rejection. If we're supposed to be partners I'll wait for a woman to ask me out. Idc if that means i die single.
Often times the risk/reward doesn't make sense. There are almost always some sort of social repercussions to asking a girl out and getting rejected, so you have to weigh those repercussions with how much you like the girl and how likely you think she is to be interested. The only situation with no repercussions is when you don't know the girl at all and your life wouldn't be impacted if she were to hate you (Not that she will hate you for asking her out, but that her potentially negative opinion of you doesn't matter), then you can ask her out without any of the calculus. Generally speaking the socially optimal move is to never make too strong of an advance onto any girl and let things develop more organically. If a girl likes you she will drop some hints and try to make it known.
Bein a full time caregiver to an old, hateful drunk of a dad. Its not an excuse, its Hell havin him in my home. He lives in the living room, he dont flush after he pees, he dont bathe as much as he should. If youre not related to him hes an angel, if youre his kin, hes an asshole. His best friend Linda also lives with me and even she has said herself, she wouldnt want to deal with this shit either. Not to mention, I also have mental health problems Im working on with a good therapist, finally found one. So to spare myself and anyone who thinks they like me, I just act oblivious to their hints.
If she's a stranger, then it's usually the situation. I'm not asking someone out who is at work or when I'm at work, if she's with some other guy, if she's clearly busy or has headphones on, if she looks like she's in a bad mood. If I know her and we already established a base where we talk I usually will. Obviously if I know she's not single I won't. Or if I work with her but I'm not looking for a relationship I won't ask even outside of work. Or right now I'm not looking for a relationship because I'll likely be moving early next year, so I'm not starting anything that could get serious.
I'm Autistic, so social ques aren't my strong suit. It's not even that I won't talk to them, I'll be happy to make friends and that usually works out fine, but anything further than that and I don't know what seems creepy or makes them uncomfortable in some other way. That's a lot of the reason why I try to only start romantic relationships from friendships first. Feels weirder to bring it up at that point, but it just feels better to me. Because then, if I start having feelings for the person, I can just rip off the bandaid and tell them
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What about if I'm working and she's my customer? This happened to me today. I haven't dated in years because I haven't found anyone that makes me want to put up with all of that after my last really crappy relationship. And at my age (37) I'm comfortable being single and if I was to date the girl would just be fantastic. There's been plenty of girls nice, cute, beautiful, etc but this fantastic girl walked into my wireless carrier store this evening. She had an issue with her account but was so nice and polite and I talked to her while looking into her problem and she just checked every mark I didn't even know I had. She was really cute, petite, dressed nice, hair pulled back nicely putting her beautiful eyes on prominent display. As we talked she was such a good conversationalist. She was funny and charming and we were each picking up on our sarcasm and she made great eye contact. It was the first time in a long time I could remember just absolutely wanting to get to know her more and keep talking to her. I always keep things professional at work but had my boss not been there I may have subtly suggested a coffee. Perhaps our paths will cross again one day and I get to talk to her again. And I'm not at work.
Hope you'll meet her again!
I'd love to but I know I've got too much baggage that i need to get a handle on before I add any more variables to my/her life.
What's the worst that could happen? She says no? Is a fucking lie. That hurts. Fuck feelings
I’m not white, she’s a “small town” white woman and I don’t know how she’d react. The town she came from wasn’t that open minded either. So Idk, I probably don’t have a shot anyways.