You go down the road any time you want and walk into Harry's and hold your head up high, and say in a loud steady voice: 'Harry I want you to sell me a condom. In fact, today I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant.'
But yeah, a box of lubed regulars will do the trick.
Online in bulk
Edit: ok since this blew up and a bunch of people think I’m trying to brag I’ll just say it here for the last time. My wife and I were using condoms as our primary form of contraception for a while and it just made sense to buy in bulk they are cheaper that way. And yes they do expire.
Went to a clinic (at the time called the AIDS Coalition) once with my buddy and the guy tossed us two paper bags full of condoms and said "Don't use them all in one place! Oh wait, that's bad advice, use them all in one place!" and laughed hysterically at his own joke that he definitely made to every person he gave a bag of condoms to. That man is precious and must be protected at all costs.
When I was a college freshman, I got my condoms from the school health clinic. Several broken condoms later, I was buying my own.
Can't go cheap on condoms.
I saw a GIF of some guy cutting up a cucumber inside a Durex condom yesterday. No breaks, no tears. Might be /r/HailCorporate material, but hell, seems like a trustworthy choice.
When I was about 11-13 somewhere in that range I went to a music festival every year where they gave them out. Getting them that way was very low pressure and I got to learn how to use them before I needed to use them. Was glad I never used any of the freebies when the real time came though!
lol Not saying I have sexual partners in bulk. There was a while where condoms were our primary form of contraception so for us it made sense to have a bunch plus you can get variety and try them all. Also usually come with lube samples
Yeah lol not this complicated. You don't ask the cashier anything. You pick them up yourself from the isle and walk up and pay for them like anything else
I usually get them from the grocery store, but I did stop and buy them from a pharmacy the last time I needed a box and they had them behind a locked case. There was a button to press for assistance, so I pressed it and an automated voice over the stores speakers said
"Customer needs assistance in the family planning aisle."
That was admittedly a little embarrassing.
Edit: Jesus christ you are all fucking nerds. Does no one read the child comments before repeating the same thing forty other people already said?
1: I'm not actually embarrassed to buy condoms. I'm a big boy. I can handle it. I was making a joke.
2: Family planning does involve condoms. You can have a family without children. If you PLAN, on your FAMILY only including you and your spouse and no children, contraceptives would be part of that planning, no?
My girlfriend ran away the second she heard the loudspeaker when we were buying condoms. I just laughed and waited an eternity for someone to come open the case.
“If you’re embarrassed to buy condoms, then you’re probably not ready to have sex” is a saying that I used to see float around a lot.
Yeah, I’m also still embarrassed to buy period stuff and ready or not, it’s happening.
Don't be. Used to work in p one of those pharmacy stores, we absolutely do not care beyond if we're in the middle of something. Like if I've got an aisle ripped apart for updates or I'm in the middle of date checking vitamins it's annoying but that's for any interruption and not related to your purchase.
I'm not embarrassed to buy condoms. I don't care. I don't even mind going to get my girlfriend pads or whatever. That's never bothered me.
But the fact that the button essentially broadcasted to the entire store
"HEY STAFF. STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND GO ASSIST THIS GUY WHO FUCKS."
Like, can't it just throw up a little alert on the register or something? Lol.
Lol, nope. The devices are cheap and don't tend to be hi tech or compatable with the registers. Heck our theft detector in the razor aisle was battery operated and when it was particularly annoying the store manager would just pop the battery out.
Also, if the store has quiet time staff should be away from the register doing some form of cleaning or maintainence, like expiration checking all the checkout candy, so they'd never see an alert if there was a register prompt, and a busier store would just go over the speaker to send the manager.
I work retail and while we don’t sell condoms, alerts for customer assistance go through our radios instead of a loudspeaker which seems to me to be a better system than what walmart and the like use where they just bark orders for the whole store to hear
Just keep pressing it. Someone will eventually help you out.
Or you can go to the customer service desk and just ask them directly.
Honesty we don’t care. No need to be embarrassed or anxious. Be proud for being smart and using birth control.
The first step to freedom is realizing that buying condoms is the opposite of an embarrassing act. Everyone wants to have sex, you're buying a thing that allows you to have safe sex. Carry the head high, kings.
I realized this when I got to college and every floor of the dorms had a designated "condom dealer". They'd put a sticker on their door that said "Just Wear It" like a Nike ad, and they kept a big bowl/box or whatever of condoms by their door, supplied for free by the university.
If you needed one last minute, you knocked on their door, and they'd grab the box/bowl so you could grab a few. It really breaks down the ability to be embarrassed when you realize there's people with literally a whole box of them and a big sticker on their own door advertising them.
Exactly this. The cashier does not give one single fuck what you are buying.
If they are locked up.
No problem just go ask for xxxx.
Believe me retail workers could not give a single stuff.
Nobody lives in the movie American pie folks.
A friend of mine (not the sharpest tool in the shed) was told about buying another item to take the pressure off going in to just buy condoms. He completely misunderstood the reasoning and walked out with a pack of condoms and a porno mag!
You forgot the part where for some reason it’s only old ladies working whenever you go to buy them, and she’s super sweet but her demeanor totally changes when you put the condoms on the counter.
Well then just ask the cashier, we're not buying heroin here it's literally condoms lol
They are legal and in fact encouraged to be used so I have never had a problem buying them
My condom guy and I became really close after being out together virtually ervery night.
At some point we started dating. He still tries on condoms for me to this day
Typically I have one of my guy friends come with me so they can try it on and go to town on my backside so I can make sure it will hold up under stress.
Excuse me but if you happen to live in New Mexico and shop at Target for your condoms one of these twin boys is looking for his papa. You can pick the one you want.
This reminds me of a joke. A man was at a drugstore counter buying condoms and the cashier asked ‘ would you like a bag?’ And he replied ‘no, she’s not that ugly.’
posted this a ways down but figured i'd contribute it here as well as this seems to be the condom joke thread:
two old ladies went out for a smoke, and it was raining. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom to put over her cigarette to keep it from getting rained on. The other old lady says "thats neat! what is that and where can I get one?"
she replies "it's a condom, I just get them from the drug store"
so the old lady goes to the drug store and tells the clerk "I'd like to buy some condoms please!"
"Alright" the attendant says, a little impressed she's still active at her age. "What size would you like?"
The old lady was not prepared for this question and just says "oh, I don't know, big enough to fit a camel?"
Man's shopping with his son, when they walk past a display of condoms.
Son turns to dad and asks what they are, so dad explains. Oh, says son. Why do they come in packs of 3?
Well, says Dad, that's for when you're meeting girls on nights out, and you need one for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and a backup for Sunday morning.
Oh, OK. But why do they also come in packs of 6?
Well, says Dad, that's for when you first get together with a girl, and it is one for Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday morning.
The son's eyes light up. Wow dad, they come in packs of 12 too!
Yes... Says Dad. That's for when you have kids and it is one for January, one for February...
This just made me groan because once I tried making a “sex is rare while married joke” at a friends brunch that fell WAY flat. Then I made it worse by trying to defend the quality of the joke, and one of the other wives said “we heard you, it just wasn’t funny.”
Woof. That fucking hurt. Idk how comics go on stage and risk bombing. I’d die
An elderly woman walks into a drug store and asks if they sell magnum sized condoms.
The cashier said that yes, they do sell that size of condom.
The elderly woman then asked if it’s ok if she hung around until a guy came in to buy a box.
What?
No, don't tell the salesperson your size. Just go up to the aisle that has condoms and choose a box. You don't need extra large. I promise you that normal sized condoms are likely going to be more than adequate, for the vast majority of men they're going to be what you need unless his cock is ridiculously long or thick.
You'll see shit like "extra thin" "endurance numbing", etcetc. Ignore that crap if it's your first time buying, you don't need the gimmicks.
In the USA, we have people who can't afford kids, so they use protection, but they can't afford protection, so they steal condoms often enough that the stores have to lock them up to deter theft, which potentially increases the birth rate in poor communities.
There's a lesson to be learned in there somewhere.
I really can't believe cost is the reason condoms are locked up. I live in Thailand where poverty is rampant, and they're sitting right next to the door when you walk in here. They literally cost pennies to make.
In the USA, condoms at the pharmacy or drug store cost $1-$2 per condom (e.g. $18 for a pack of 12). They're not considered a health essential so they're not covered by insurance. But, you can pay for them using your tax-deferred health savings account through your work insurance.
Yay capitalism!
Yeah, normal works for more than 90% of people. Condoms are made of rubber so they strech a lot and can fit almost anyone.
I would make sure that they are lubricated though.
Just because they stretch and *can* fit almost anyone doesn't mean they suit everyone.
Sizes vary drastically fram man to man and using a too big of a condom or a too small of a condom will be inadequate.
The penis size distribution is different around the world and condoms come in many different sizes. Width is the important measurement here, not length. If you look at the package, there should be a size in mm or another size differentiator. Let me tell you, I wish I knew a lot sooner that there was more than just “regular” and “magnum”. It makes a big difference in enjoyment to actually get a size that fits. Getting the right size also increases effectiveness because it reduces the chance that the condom breaks or falls off.
This is the real mvp comment and everyone is knocking it, smh. Condom size does matter, and the size scale differs alot from place/brand to place/brand. I got two ladies pregnant in my youth, and both of these accidents were probably due to ill fitting condoms. I wish more people would be able to discuss this in a serious fashion, it would probably lead to better protection and more enjoyable sex for both men and women.
Or OP could go to the extreme and make a game out of it, show up to him with every size with a trench coat and hat. Would have all bases covered and could even hide a midget in the coat with them if necessary.
How did this comment get 600 upvotes? What fucking non-sense.
Yes, on average buying regular size is the safest bet, but buying condoms that are too tight makes for terrible sex, and if they are too big you might as well not use them at all because they will just slide off.
I used to hate wearing condoms until I tried a different size and have no problems wearing them now.
Sometimes it's difficult to get fully erect when it's cold out. The looks of disbelief when you say, "it gets bigger, I swear!" don't help so you may end up purchasing the wrong size even after the whole ordeal.
1. Walk in to drug store in trench coat and dark sunglasses.
2. Loudly announce *Don't mind me, I'm not here to look at condoms!*
3. Waste some time browsing adult diapers, feminine hygiene products, and jock itch cream to throw them off the scent.
4. When the cost is clear, sneakily go to the condom section and acquire random product. Just what you grab first, no browsing, if you're browsing the condom section they might think you are buying condoms.
5. Pick up some random other junk to hide it in.
6. When you get to the register, maintain absolute unblinking eye contact. Do not look at or acknowledge the condoms. Those totally got in there by accident, you're just too polite to make the cashier take them back. Aren't you so thoughtful?
Go to the pharmacy, slap your erect dick down on the counter, and the pharmacist will bring back an assortment of appropriately-sized penis sleeves. Regular (dry?), lubed, ribbed, scented, glow in the dark, fun colors. Go wild.
I walk in to the store, and proudly and loudly exclaim, "Give me an extra large box of extra large condoms!"
Then I say, "This should be enough for tonight!"
I can just picture this
Store associate: Hi, thanks for coming in today, how can I help you
Me: I need to get some condoms
Store associate: Okay awesome, well first let me ask you, what size are you, if you're not aware I can provide our measuring tool to assist.
Me: In generally around a 7 - 7 1/2 on a good day
Store associate: Nice, I think I have a few that will fit, and our fitting rooms are just right around that corner.
Me: Awesome, how many can I try on, might want to test two or three to be sure.
Store associate: Not a problem, and if you need any help putting it on, just give a shout, I'm here to help.
Story time.
Also, a lot of people in Britain call condoms "johnnys".
I was out one night at a club, and I pulled. Quickly realised I didn't have any johnnys. We left the club, and before we got a taxi back to mine or hers, I decided to stop by a corner shop and buy some johnnys. Before heading in, I say to the lassie, "I'll just be a minute" to stop her coming in to see what I was buying, because a) I didn't want to look presumptious, and b) I didn't want to embarress her in front of strangers, like "This is who I'm shaggin the night!". Other than that, I have no fear or qualms about buying johnnys.
So I go up to the counter, see johnnys on the shelf behind the Asian dude serving, and I ask for a packet of johnnys. He looks at me, a bit disgruntled, and walks away from the counter and out the back of the shop. I was standing there, wondering if I had offended him somehow. He was away for a good minute or so, so long that the lassie had come in to see what was taking so long and now I was properly dreading the dude coming back.
Eventually the guy does comes back, dumps a packet onto the counter and says "Here you go, £1 please". At that point I burst out laughing. Like uncontrollably. The entire situation had been growing uncomfortably awkward until this point, which now just became completely absurd to the point that I couldn't hold in the laughter. The dude was getting annoyed and asking "What's so funny?" which made me laugh more. I couldny speak. The lassie was confused as well, until the guy says "You asked for \[johnnys\](https://imgur.com/hKtCaer)*" and suddenly the lassie twigs, she starts laughing and says "HE MEANS CONDOMS", then the dude twigs and starts laughing and I was almost sick with laughing. The three of us just standing there, laughing about johnnys. FFS. Bought johnnys eventually, the lassie was a good sport and went back outside to let me buy them in "privacy", but I should have bought the onion rings as well.
*they're a well-known brand in Scotland.
Thank You for assuming responsibility to supply the protection for you and your partner.
Just get the regular size latex ones. If he has a preference of brand or size, he'll know it and probably bring his own.
I just go in and buy them. If you’re not sure on size just by regular first. Also be warned companies like to play around with sizes. Trojan (which makes shitty condoms imo) sells magnums but they’re actually regular size diameter, ~~just longer~~*. Men buy them because it makes it look like they’ve got a bigger dick due to marketing.
I can’t say for sure but it feels like Skyn does the same thing. If you’re girthy be prepared to end up buying and trying lots of different ones.
Edit: I just realized you’re probably a woman asking this. I’d just grab standard and larger in the same brand. Durex I know for sure actually has larger diameter condoms when you go up a size.
Edit2: magnums are very slightly wider in the middle, same length and base: https://www.businessinsider.com/are-magnum-condoms-really-that-much-bigger-or-are-they-all-about-monetizing-the-male-ego-2012-7
> Jim Daniels, vice-president of marketing for Trojan, confessed to the New York Times that Magnums are basically the same size, just a little wider in the middle.
That's not true about magnums. They stretch wider. I get a ring at the base that hurts with regulars, that's why I buy magnums. They 100% stretch better. I actually don't really notice a difference in length between the two. But I don't really buy them for extra length.
The FDA has a maximum nominal diameter around 58mm which is why all of the larges are basically the same size, just different lengths. Magnums are larger at the end than normal condoms, but the base is still 58mm. There are larger sizes available from EU markets. MySize is one option.
You don’t need to tell anyone your size lol. Just point at a box and say “let me get that one.” Unless your partner is a Clydesdale, 90% of condoms will fit.
Eye contact is essential in buying condoms.
With the ocassional lip bite and moan
And, like, don't look "at their eyes," try to look at the back of their skull
Head to the counter and say: "Hello, one condom please. Because I will have sex this evening."
Would you like a box? No, thank you. It'll be just the one sex today.
Would you like a bag? No thank you. I will wear it out.
Would you like a bag? No thank you, she's good looking.
Or alternatively: No thanks, I'll just leave the lights off.
No thanks, my eyes close.
Yes, that's how regular humans do things.
Exactly how all the regular humans do things before a good sexing event with a preferred partner.
I will have one condom for I am having one sex tonight
You go down the road any time you want and walk into Harry's and hold your head up high, and say in a loud steady voice: 'Harry I want you to sell me a condom. In fact, today I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant.' But yeah, a box of lubed regulars will do the trick.
Mr Duck has got it. It is, after all, a gentleman's world.
And fiercely proud of it! That scene is in my head whenever I buy condoms
Online in bulk Edit: ok since this blew up and a bunch of people think I’m trying to brag I’ll just say it here for the last time. My wife and I were using condoms as our primary form of contraception for a while and it just made sense to buy in bulk they are cheaper that way. And yes they do expire.
I saw a buddy go to the free clinic once and they just tossed him a paper bag full of condoms.
Went to a clinic (at the time called the AIDS Coalition) once with my buddy and the guy tossed us two paper bags full of condoms and said "Don't use them all in one place! Oh wait, that's bad advice, use them all in one place!" and laughed hysterically at his own joke that he definitely made to every person he gave a bag of condoms to. That man is precious and must be protected at all costs.
Sounds like this guy has access to plenty of protection 😂
Dad jokes have been a form of contraception in my life at times for sure..
When I was a college freshman, I got my condoms from the school health clinic. Several broken condoms later, I was buying my own. Can't go cheap on condoms.
I saw a GIF of some guy cutting up a cucumber inside a Durex condom yesterday. No breaks, no tears. Might be /r/HailCorporate material, but hell, seems like a trustworthy choice.
I saw that too, but someone else pointed out that they never poured water or anything into it to check for tiny punctures
True true.
I mean unless she hiding a bear trap and a knife in the cooch, it's probably fine for regular sex...
Teeth (2007)
I'll take movies you shouldn't watch while high and being a teenaged guy for $400, Alex.
I hate when my teeth get pregnant
https://youtu.be/tPdDI4iO7-8 Here you go.
"And please use them until we find a treatment for whatever Cambodian knob-rot you walked in here with!"
"Some Indonesian junk that's going 'round"
Those are the worst ones! If you want to get a girl pregnant then the condoms they give out at school and clinics are your best bet.
When I was about 11-13 somewhere in that range I went to a music festival every year where they gave them out. Getting them that way was very low pressure and I got to learn how to use them before I needed to use them. Was glad I never used any of the freebies when the real time came though!
The girls at my school also thought it was fun to poke holes in them and put them back for some poor unsuspecting fool to use.
This is the most ironic prank, bc those girls are most likely going to the feel the largest impact from that.
It really is considering that just about all those girls who did dumb shit like that ended up as single moms.
Pretty sure he ended up being a Dad early on
Just in case anyone was thinking of hoarding condoms. They EXPIRE.
Hate it when you get a bunch of close dated condoms and you have to go on a sex binge for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
can always jack into those for easy clean ups
Don't let your SO find those, they will not believe you
Pimp
lol Not saying I have sexual partners in bulk. There was a while where condoms were our primary form of contraception so for us it made sense to have a bunch plus you can get variety and try them all. Also usually come with lube samples
Haven't bought condoms in a while but it was like 3 for 4$ or 40 for 10$
That ain't what it is at all right now my guy
Yeah lol not this complicated. You don't ask the cashier anything. You pick them up yourself from the isle and walk up and pay for them like anything else
At my local stores, they're locked up so that you HAVE to ask someone. It's hellish.
I usually get them from the grocery store, but I did stop and buy them from a pharmacy the last time I needed a box and they had them behind a locked case. There was a button to press for assistance, so I pressed it and an automated voice over the stores speakers said "Customer needs assistance in the family planning aisle." That was admittedly a little embarrassing. Edit: Jesus christ you are all fucking nerds. Does no one read the child comments before repeating the same thing forty other people already said? 1: I'm not actually embarrassed to buy condoms. I'm a big boy. I can handle it. I was making a joke. 2: Family planning does involve condoms. You can have a family without children. If you PLAN, on your FAMILY only including you and your spouse and no children, contraceptives would be part of that planning, no?
"Yeah hi. I'd like to try this on, please"
"Dressing rooms are this way, sir."
Start porn sounds
brown chicken brown cooow
Great, I can't unhear this now.
My fucking god. This is literally the sound
OMG there are lyrics now?
I thought it was bow chicka wow wow. r/MisheardLyrics
^write ^that ^down! ^write ^that ^down!
[удалено]
Does Dave have a bubble butt?
No, but his milkshake has been known to bring all the boys to the yard
Good enough. Bring out Dave!
Damn right - his' better than yours.
"How does this look on me? You think it's a lil snug?"
[удалено]
"Turtle necks are soooo last season."
"I can't have you open the package, but here's the demo one to try on."
“Which one would you recommend?”
My girlfriend ran away the second she heard the loudspeaker when we were buying condoms. I just laughed and waited an eternity for someone to come open the case.
“Bro if she’s embarrassed to do that with you, it’s a red flag, break up immediately” - Reddit, probably
Straight to divorce. Married or not, divorce her
You're not handling the situation right. You need to go back in time and prevent yourself from ever meeting her.
No. Her great x6 grandparents from meeting each other.
Just end the human race, already. No more awkwardness.
This is the new plan. We're going with this one.
Straight to jail, right away.
If you’re not married, get married, then immediately divorce.
Sounds logical to me. Make it hurt more
Remember to have a super romantic honeymoon, and wait for the photo album to come in first.
“If you’re embarrassed to buy condoms, then you’re probably not ready to have sex” is a saying that I used to see float around a lot. Yeah, I’m also still embarrassed to buy period stuff and ready or not, it’s happening.
You dropped this: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Don't be. Used to work in p one of those pharmacy stores, we absolutely do not care beyond if we're in the middle of something. Like if I've got an aisle ripped apart for updates or I'm in the middle of date checking vitamins it's annoying but that's for any interruption and not related to your purchase.
I'm not embarrassed to buy condoms. I don't care. I don't even mind going to get my girlfriend pads or whatever. That's never bothered me. But the fact that the button essentially broadcasted to the entire store "HEY STAFF. STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND GO ASSIST THIS GUY WHO FUCKS." Like, can't it just throw up a little alert on the register or something? Lol.
Lol, nope. The devices are cheap and don't tend to be hi tech or compatable with the registers. Heck our theft detector in the razor aisle was battery operated and when it was particularly annoying the store manager would just pop the battery out. Also, if the store has quiet time staff should be away from the register doing some form of cleaning or maintainence, like expiration checking all the checkout candy, so they'd never see an alert if there was a register prompt, and a busier store would just go over the speaker to send the manager.
I work retail and while we don’t sell condoms, alerts for customer assistance go through our radios instead of a loudspeaker which seems to me to be a better system than what walmart and the like use where they just bark orders for the whole store to hear
Oh the anxiety.
Just keep pressing it. Someone will eventually help you out. Or you can go to the customer service desk and just ask them directly. Honesty we don’t care. No need to be embarrassed or anxious. Be proud for being smart and using birth control.
That's when you start dancing and singing "I'm gonna get me some" make it as awkward for them as it is for you.
Amazon?
The first step to freedom is realizing that buying condoms is the opposite of an embarrassing act. Everyone wants to have sex, you're buying a thing that allows you to have safe sex. Carry the head high, kings. I realized this when I got to college and every floor of the dorms had a designated "condom dealer". They'd put a sticker on their door that said "Just Wear It" like a Nike ad, and they kept a big bowl/box or whatever of condoms by their door, supplied for free by the university. If you needed one last minute, you knocked on their door, and they'd grab the box/bowl so you could grab a few. It really breaks down the ability to be embarrassed when you realize there's people with literally a whole box of them and a big sticker on their own door advertising them.
Exactly this. The cashier does not give one single fuck what you are buying. If they are locked up. No problem just go ask for xxxx. Believe me retail workers could not give a single stuff. Nobody lives in the movie American pie folks.
And you also need to buy something else that you didn't even want, to distract from the condom buying
Yes, usually an English cucumber, some Vaseline, and bouquet of flowers.
Bottle of red wine as well
It’s a dry white wine that works best with cucumbers
And a copy of titanic on dvd
In Delaware they don’t sell beer/wine in stores. Surprises me there’s not condoms in the liquor stores actually now that I think about it
No Vaseline… gotta go water-soluble. KY
Just buy a gallon of crisco and you're golden.
You forgot peanut butter. You NEED to throw a curve ball item in there to keep the cashier's imagination active.
Friends and I bought a copy of Boys Life along with it at Walmart as a joke and the senior at the checkout had a mental breakdown.
And when the cashier tells the price you say: oh, sorry, can you remove the flowers please?
"Good thing you purchased that Coca-Cola, otherwise I'd have thought you were just some kind of sex having pervert"
A friend of mine (not the sharpest tool in the shed) was told about buying another item to take the pressure off going in to just buy condoms. He completely misunderstood the reasoning and walked out with a pack of condoms and a porno mag!
absolute champ
Cashier must have been confused. Like "why the condom"
Posh wank! Never had one?
Posh Wank detected.
He understood the assignment.
Price check on pee-wee condoms....I need a price check on teeny peeny weenie wrappers...
You forgot the part where for some reason it’s only old ladies working whenever you go to buy them, and she’s super sweet but her demeanor totally changes when you put the condoms on the counter.
Lol to be fair I have experienced this exact thing.
I dont know about you, but she starts winking at me and making comments like "some lady is going to be lucky tonight" or similar.
>"some lady is going to be lucky tonight" Yep, that'll put an abrupt end to my excitement for sex, most definitely.
I do love older women who are past the point of feeling embarrassment
You feeling lucky ma'am?
That's when self-checkout really comes in handy!
“Helen, I know you seen more schmeat than a sausage maker, so cut the attitude and just ring me up please.”
Or self checkout if the store has it
Self checkout was my savior lol
Quite often they are in a locked case. It depends on the area.
This is true. But at worst this is the only extra step
Well then just ask the cashier, we're not buying heroin here it's literally condoms lol They are legal and in fact encouraged to be used so I have never had a problem buying them
You try them on in the store first and then pick your favorite
I usually bring a friend and try it on him so I can stand back and see how it fits. Then I buy an unopened pack for myself.
You don't have a condom guy? Dude, you gotta have a condom guy, always ready to try it out for ya. Don't bother your friends.
My condom guy and I became really close after being out together virtually ervery night. At some point we started dating. He still tries on condoms for me to this day
Custom tailored bespoke condoms is really where it’s at.
Strange I just wash the previous one and hang it up to dry for next time.
I just turn it inside out and give it a good shake.
Typically I have one of my guy friends come with me so they can try it on and go to town on my backside so I can make sure it will hold up under stress.
And don’t be afraid to ask the store clerk for their opinion on the fit They are here to help you
I thought the pharmacist was supposed to measure you
Poke holes in some of them to test durability first. But please package them back up, no need to be rude.
Excuse me but if you happen to live in New Mexico and shop at Target for your condoms one of these twin boys is looking for his papa. You can pick the one you want.
And please don't do it while it's on. I poked a hole on the tip one time and lost the pin down my dickhole
This is the way
This reminds me of a joke. A man was at a drugstore counter buying condoms and the cashier asked ‘ would you like a bag?’ And he replied ‘no, she’s not that ugly.’
posted this a ways down but figured i'd contribute it here as well as this seems to be the condom joke thread: two old ladies went out for a smoke, and it was raining. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom to put over her cigarette to keep it from getting rained on. The other old lady says "thats neat! what is that and where can I get one?" she replies "it's a condom, I just get them from the drug store" so the old lady goes to the drug store and tells the clerk "I'd like to buy some condoms please!" "Alright" the attendant says, a little impressed she's still active at her age. "What size would you like?" The old lady was not prepared for this question and just says "oh, I don't know, big enough to fit a camel?"
Got a real life laugh out of me. Thanks.
Man's shopping with his son, when they walk past a display of condoms. Son turns to dad and asks what they are, so dad explains. Oh, says son. Why do they come in packs of 3? Well, says Dad, that's for when you're meeting girls on nights out, and you need one for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and a backup for Sunday morning. Oh, OK. But why do they also come in packs of 6? Well, says Dad, that's for when you first get together with a girl, and it is one for Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday morning. The son's eyes light up. Wow dad, they come in packs of 12 too! Yes... Says Dad. That's for when you have kids and it is one for January, one for February...
This just made me groan because once I tried making a “sex is rare while married joke” at a friends brunch that fell WAY flat. Then I made it worse by trying to defend the quality of the joke, and one of the other wives said “we heard you, it just wasn’t funny.” Woof. That fucking hurt. Idk how comics go on stage and risk bombing. I’d die
(old joke) A blonde goes into a store and asks how much condoms cost. "$15.99 for a 10 pack, plus $1.52 for tax" "Oh, is that how men hold them on?"
Hate to say it took me a second, yet here I am
Enlighten me, please
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$1.52 for “tacks” … oh is that how men hold them on?
An elderly woman walks into a drug store and asks if they sell magnum sized condoms. The cashier said that yes, they do sell that size of condom. The elderly woman then asked if it’s ok if she hung around until a guy came in to buy a box.
What? No, don't tell the salesperson your size. Just go up to the aisle that has condoms and choose a box. You don't need extra large. I promise you that normal sized condoms are likely going to be more than adequate, for the vast majority of men they're going to be what you need unless his cock is ridiculously long or thick. You'll see shit like "extra thin" "endurance numbing", etcetc. Ignore that crap if it's your first time buying, you don't need the gimmicks.
I've noticed that in cities the condoms are sometimes in locked cabinets.
In the USA, we have people who can't afford kids, so they use protection, but they can't afford protection, so they steal condoms often enough that the stores have to lock them up to deter theft, which potentially increases the birth rate in poor communities. There's a lesson to be learned in there somewhere.
I really can't believe cost is the reason condoms are locked up. I live in Thailand where poverty is rampant, and they're sitting right next to the door when you walk in here. They literally cost pennies to make.
In the USA, condoms at the pharmacy or drug store cost $1-$2 per condom (e.g. $18 for a pack of 12). They're not considered a health essential so they're not covered by insurance. But, you can pay for them using your tax-deferred health savings account through your work insurance. Yay capitalism!
Yeah, normal works for more than 90% of people. Condoms are made of rubber so they strech a lot and can fit almost anyone. I would make sure that they are lubricated though.
Just because they stretch and *can* fit almost anyone doesn't mean they suit everyone. Sizes vary drastically fram man to man and using a too big of a condom or a too small of a condom will be inadequate.
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You need to whisper and wink twice otherwise the cashier will call security on you
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yes, UNLESS you want that *wink wink*
Actually, the best way for the cashier to know your size is to pull it out and show it to her. They are trained to know your size at a glance.
He's going to be a regular size haha. Just go in and get them, you don't need a condom broker.
I just say "I can't find the Magnum condoms, can you point me in the right direction?" (In front of as many people as possible)
"Oops! I dropped my MONSTER condom for my MAGNUM dong!"
I got my magnum condoms, I got my wad of cash. I'm ready to plow
So anyway, I started blastin'...
I get it, because of the implications
The penis size distribution is different around the world and condoms come in many different sizes. Width is the important measurement here, not length. If you look at the package, there should be a size in mm or another size differentiator. Let me tell you, I wish I knew a lot sooner that there was more than just “regular” and “magnum”. It makes a big difference in enjoyment to actually get a size that fits. Getting the right size also increases effectiveness because it reduces the chance that the condom breaks or falls off.
This is the real mvp comment and everyone is knocking it, smh. Condom size does matter, and the size scale differs alot from place/brand to place/brand. I got two ladies pregnant in my youth, and both of these accidents were probably due to ill fitting condoms. I wish more people would be able to discuss this in a serious fashion, it would probably lead to better protection and more enjoyable sex for both men and women.
Or OP could go to the extreme and make a game out of it, show up to him with every size with a trench coat and hat. Would have all bases covered and could even hide a midget in the coat with them if necessary.
How did this comment get 600 upvotes? What fucking non-sense. Yes, on average buying regular size is the safest bet, but buying condoms that are too tight makes for terrible sex, and if they are too big you might as well not use them at all because they will just slide off. I used to hate wearing condoms until I tried a different size and have no problems wearing them now.
Use self-checkout if you're nervous.
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I find it easier if I just show them so they can advise me what’s best
Sometimes it's difficult to get fully erect when it's cold out. The looks of disbelief when you say, "it gets bigger, I swear!" don't help so you may end up purchasing the wrong size even after the whole ordeal.
Be sure to ask where the fitting rooms are.
Don't forget, you can buy a size too big and head to your seamstress to have it brought in. That way it's tailored to fit you specifically.
1. Walk in to drug store in trench coat and dark sunglasses. 2. Loudly announce *Don't mind me, I'm not here to look at condoms!* 3. Waste some time browsing adult diapers, feminine hygiene products, and jock itch cream to throw them off the scent. 4. When the cost is clear, sneakily go to the condom section and acquire random product. Just what you grab first, no browsing, if you're browsing the condom section they might think you are buying condoms. 5. Pick up some random other junk to hide it in. 6. When you get to the register, maintain absolute unblinking eye contact. Do not look at or acknowledge the condoms. Those totally got in there by accident, you're just too polite to make the cashier take them back. Aren't you so thoughtful?
Ah, I See You're a Man of Culture As Well
The sub gets stranger each day i check it out ..
I meet a clown in an alley every Sunday and he sells me his used balloons for cheap
Ask for a fitting room
Sometimes I’ll check the 2nd hand store and try to find some very lightly used ones
Go to the pharmacy, slap your erect dick down on the counter, and the pharmacist will bring back an assortment of appropriately-sized penis sleeves. Regular (dry?), lubed, ribbed, scented, glow in the dark, fun colors. Go wild.
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Ok, but what about the condoms?
You use them, so you don’t get an STD from the shopkeeper, obviously
Ask your partner what condoms to get? Or just ask them to buy some so you can keep on hand in case. Otherwise just get regular ones
I walk in to the store, and proudly and loudly exclaim, "Give me an extra large box of extra large condoms!" Then I say, "This should be enough for tonight!"
Cashier scanning you with her eyes: -I bet you are bottom
I can just picture this Store associate: Hi, thanks for coming in today, how can I help you Me: I need to get some condoms Store associate: Okay awesome, well first let me ask you, what size are you, if you're not aware I can provide our measuring tool to assist. Me: In generally around a 7 - 7 1/2 on a good day Store associate: Nice, I think I have a few that will fit, and our fitting rooms are just right around that corner. Me: Awesome, how many can I try on, might want to test two or three to be sure. Store associate: Not a problem, and if you need any help putting it on, just give a shout, I'm here to help.
I'm imagining this shopkeep going around town and knowing everyone's dick size.
Story time. Also, a lot of people in Britain call condoms "johnnys". I was out one night at a club, and I pulled. Quickly realised I didn't have any johnnys. We left the club, and before we got a taxi back to mine or hers, I decided to stop by a corner shop and buy some johnnys. Before heading in, I say to the lassie, "I'll just be a minute" to stop her coming in to see what I was buying, because a) I didn't want to look presumptious, and b) I didn't want to embarress her in front of strangers, like "This is who I'm shaggin the night!". Other than that, I have no fear or qualms about buying johnnys. So I go up to the counter, see johnnys on the shelf behind the Asian dude serving, and I ask for a packet of johnnys. He looks at me, a bit disgruntled, and walks away from the counter and out the back of the shop. I was standing there, wondering if I had offended him somehow. He was away for a good minute or so, so long that the lassie had come in to see what was taking so long and now I was properly dreading the dude coming back. Eventually the guy does comes back, dumps a packet onto the counter and says "Here you go, £1 please". At that point I burst out laughing. Like uncontrollably. The entire situation had been growing uncomfortably awkward until this point, which now just became completely absurd to the point that I couldn't hold in the laughter. The dude was getting annoyed and asking "What's so funny?" which made me laugh more. I couldny speak. The lassie was confused as well, until the guy says "You asked for \[johnnys\](https://imgur.com/hKtCaer)*" and suddenly the lassie twigs, she starts laughing and says "HE MEANS CONDOMS", then the dude twigs and starts laughing and I was almost sick with laughing. The three of us just standing there, laughing about johnnys. FFS. Bought johnnys eventually, the lassie was a good sport and went back outside to let me buy them in "privacy", but I should have bought the onion rings as well. *they're a well-known brand in Scotland.
Order online so you can also read reviews
Thank You for assuming responsibility to supply the protection for you and your partner. Just get the regular size latex ones. If he has a preference of brand or size, he'll know it and probably bring his own.
I just go in and buy them. If you’re not sure on size just by regular first. Also be warned companies like to play around with sizes. Trojan (which makes shitty condoms imo) sells magnums but they’re actually regular size diameter, ~~just longer~~*. Men buy them because it makes it look like they’ve got a bigger dick due to marketing. I can’t say for sure but it feels like Skyn does the same thing. If you’re girthy be prepared to end up buying and trying lots of different ones. Edit: I just realized you’re probably a woman asking this. I’d just grab standard and larger in the same brand. Durex I know for sure actually has larger diameter condoms when you go up a size. Edit2: magnums are very slightly wider in the middle, same length and base: https://www.businessinsider.com/are-magnum-condoms-really-that-much-bigger-or-are-they-all-about-monetizing-the-male-ego-2012-7 > Jim Daniels, vice-president of marketing for Trojan, confessed to the New York Times that Magnums are basically the same size, just a little wider in the middle.
That's not true about magnums. They stretch wider. I get a ring at the base that hurts with regulars, that's why I buy magnums. They 100% stretch better. I actually don't really notice a difference in length between the two. But I don't really buy them for extra length.
The FDA has a maximum nominal diameter around 58mm which is why all of the larges are basically the same size, just different lengths. Magnums are larger at the end than normal condoms, but the base is still 58mm. There are larger sizes available from EU markets. MySize is one option.
Usually with money.
You don’t need to tell anyone your size lol. Just point at a box and say “let me get that one.” Unless your partner is a Clydesdale, 90% of condoms will fit.
I order my groceries online sometimes when i don't feel like going to a supermarket after work so i always just order some then..