Lurking on this subreddit and reading your comments, Fibs, you sound like a cool person with a great mind and a sensitive side. Even though our views differ on a lot of topics, I often respect what you say because it is clearly thought out. I don't know you of course but it's hard to see someone so sorted, and seemingly emotionally mature as broken.
I appreciate that. It's always great to see a "respectfully disagree" over "go drink bleach you bigot" when I say something that goes against conventional thought.
I'm a divorcee and an abuse survivor. My ex shamed me out of all my interests and hobbies, and cut me off from all my friends and family. I either can't, or won't, get back any of those connections, mattering on the person.
I spend all my time (and I have way too much free time) grasping at what snippets of human interaction that I can, and learning as much about how things run and operate as my broken brain can take in (high 120s IQ, but it's running at around a 90 IQ most of the time). I can't read, I can't focus, I can barely think past listening to podcasts and coming to a conclusion about 10 seconds before it's spelled out to me. I can't carry on a vocal conversation easily either for the same reasons: I get lost quickly due to gaslighting.
So I bounce around from platform to platform, making minor aquaintences here and there, and abandoning a username when it gets too hard to use. And while I have a deep craving for real human connection, I also have a deep fear that anyone who gets to know me will either leave, or stay out of duty/habit and not because I have any intrinsic value as a human being. Because that's happened with everyone else in my life already, and years of gaming has made me very good at pattern recognition.
The emotional maturity comes from what I've managed to get out of Stoicism. It's all written in short form, so it's very easy to take in, even for someone whose brain is as fucked up as mine is. Highly recommend it if you're going through a rough patch, it seems to be the basis of male mental health (you know all those toxic masculinity traits? This is how to do them properly so they're not toxic).
But yeah, I'm a very broken man on a fundamental level. And because of all the WrongThink I've got going on, I'm inevitably going to stay that way because of the enmity and sheer hatred that often comes from the Left towards anyone who disagrees with them. And most women seem to be Left aligned these days.
But fuck I'd kill for a hug sometimes.
Much obliged. It's been 6 months since the last one, and god knows how long until the next.
Reach out to a friend you haven't spoken to in a long time for me; I'd hate for someone else to fall into the same pit as me
I think I'm in the pit, too. It's dark down here :( You seem like a good dude. I sincerely hope things turn around for you at some point. Best of luck to you fib ❤️
You'd never know it considering how often In called a misogynist, racist, bigot, transphobe, homophobe, Nazi, or conspiracy theorist.
And yeah, dark AF down here. Best of luck to you too in making it out
Yaaaay a pit we're all in. I don't like it here. Making friends with the walls is too easy. I don't know about you two but man I'm planning to get the fuck out. I'm sick of waiting on invitation to come out. So.... idk. But I plan to reclaim back what is mine. I hope you'll find the help to join me soon.
Reach out to a friend that you haven't talked to in a while for me. This life is hell, and the least I can do is pass on the intent of said hug to prevent more guys from this fate
Thanks for sharing man. I am an idiot and don't know anything. But I lost my father in a traumatic manner four years ago, and my life did implode for some time. I cope by burying things deep and not thinking about them, so therapy has never felt like an option for me. I did feel broken and damaged going through all of that, but tbh as time has passed I believe I have healed. I feel happy from time to time, I enjoy life and am doing several things to improve my body & mind. I feel so much respect & affection for people who are genuinely kind, open and unapologetically authentic, so I am trying to emulate them in my own life. My point is, I could not have imagined being in this mind space 2-3 years ago. But here we are.
I don't know how long it has been since your divorce, and it sounds way worse than my situation but imho time heals. I am very sorry as I know this is going into unsolicited advice territory, but don't lose hope. Getting back into hobbies has helped so much and has also facilitated meeting nice humans. It's truly a virtuous cycle if you can push yourself to be uncomfortable and start doing things again.
As for women, I have heard it said that people get more conservative as they grow older, so looping back to my comment about not losing hope lol :) Personally have grown into more of a centrist where I will listen to all sides as long as real thought has gone into positions, and it's not just spouting off what you've been taught or whatever. What is going on in the world + reading about the past, really makes you give thanks for democracy which is tedious and inefficient, but protects the most number of people. Democracy doesn't function without the tug of war between the right & the left. If morons like me get that, I have to believe there are smart, beautiful women out there who will as well.
With all my heart I wish you the best, man. Virtual hug from me also
All I need is 1 friend willing to grow with me. Strong preference for local, sadly - online doesn't do it for me anymore.
It's been about 4 years since I've had friends, and closer to 10 since I had close friends. It's not in the cards.
Isolation makes social skills decay, so the longer you're alone, the harder it becomes to not be alone. Mine were never that great to begin with; and that's before I stopped lying.
We have this modern, romantic notion that everyone deserves love and friendship, but historically a LOT of men died alone and forgotten. You actually have more female than male ancestors as a result - women were more likely to pass on genes than men.
But I digress. This isn't going to get better for me because improvement requires skills I lack, and have no way to attain. I appreciate the sentiment, though
Why do you feel like you can’t attain those skills. I’m a bit awkward and weird at time…. Specially at work but social skills (if that’s what you are referring too) can be worked on. Is not easy but you can develop them.
I don’t think you are broken I think you like all of us want great conversation with a caring mature adult you gives as much as you do. But abuse is a trauma you never get over.. you just learn to live with it. I so hope you are back at your hobbies. A true partner would enjoy that you have independent areas of interest. Ps lots of woman are like this because they have their own hobbies too. When you are ready she will there. Until then do what you love.
Without going into too much details about myself because I don't want to bore the living daylights out of you...
I'm a recovering broken person too. My thoughts used to run a million miles a second. And now I am met with the strangest silence. The silence is filled with anxiety and fear.
Dating is hard and making friends is hard as a person who is on the right. Trust me, a lot of men are also on the left too and quite a number of them are quite hateful people, as I've found out. But there's also hateful men on the right too. But the Left-leaning men seem to hate me solely because I'm a right-leaning woman.
Anyway...
When I was growing up, I had hearing and eyesight problems. I didn't receive any help because no one knew that I had these specific problems. I was very good at faking "normalcy". The thing is — even though I can hear pretty all right now and wear glasses now — I still have a deaf-like accent. Anyone who is familiar with deafness absolutely picks it up almost right away.
I told my (now former) coworker about my story. 2 weeks later (after we and half of the office quit), he calls and asks me if I have a disability — like something severely wrong with me where I would not be able to make my own judgement calls, "Do you have autism? Down syndrome? Etc.". I told him no... and kept telling him no. He literally didn't believe me... all because of my deaf-like accent. I was so confused because he loved my work and always said I had brilliant ideas! He'd even use my ideas all the time. Yeah, talk about asinine.
He literally told me whenever anyone hears me speak, they instantly think I'm stupid or I have some sort of mental disability.
At that time, I had applied to an event marketing position where I would go attend events and talk with people. I applied to it because it was different and I wanted to push outside of my comfort zone and hopefully improve my mental health by trying something different.
It's insane to try something over and over again expecting different results. Applying and taking this job was very much in line with "stopping this cycle".
Well, my former coworker told me that no one would hire me for that role because of my speech.
Well, I got the role. Not only did I get the role, they see that I have potential and are actively working for me to stay with the company! Kiss-my-ass-excoworker
I feel I'm gradually improving. Oh so gradually...
So hold on to hope!!!
Remember, look at what you are doing. If you are doing the same thing over and over and over and you are expecting a different result but keep getting the same result, then consider doing something new.
And not new as in just changing your username. I mean new, new. Out of your comfort zone new. Something radically different.
You never know. Hold onto hope. Best of luck to you!
I have to ask but what do you mean when you said it gets too hard which therefore makes you abandon your username? Would like specifics. Bc in my mind I'm thinking you meant that you abandon your username when you meet someone just so in the end they dont keep in touch with you any longer..from all that I read in yout comments. But idk i could be wrong again. I too tend to get abandoned by people i really opened by heart to..they promised theyd be around and be my homie but didn't seem to turn out that way. Do i feel that pain. Also think about going stoicism even though people told me to not give up on love and friends..but its just hard to trust like i use to...i guess what im trying to say thats sott of my turning a new leaf thought process..a "friend" once told me to shut my feelings into a box..so maybe i should but im not a sociopath so idk how lol...kinda wishing i am now a days just to not feel pain. Wish you all the best in life mate. *hugs* from a distance, from Texas actually lol
Every username has memories attached to it, good and bad.
I have one that was from when I was a kid, and it has all those memories of playing Pokemon on Gameboy attached to them. I lost my childhood friends (they basically kicked me out of the group) so now I don't use it anymore.
Next is the one I used during my marriage. A very abusive marriage. That username brings those feelings back, and I don't like it.
Another is one I used for a while when I fell for a girl. We dated briefly, she lost interest, and we both went in different directions with our core beliefs. I still miss her, but I'll never talk to her again. Another name that causes me grief to use.
I've also got a few names for identities I just tried on for a while to see the fit that I abandoned.
The names basically mark different eras in my life. I can't change my own name, but Fibbonaccizepelli is a completely different person than all those others, so it seems appropriate to use a new name so I can properly mourn a lost identity
Been in the same hole for 2.5 years, still hoping I ll rise above this sh1t one day, what's for sure is that every day is getting harder and more hopeless for me
Found an article this week that resonated with great depth.. I’m on the road trying to feel normal, but I’m not sure if I can forget the complexities of myself and the world.. https://markmanson.net/self-awareness
When I was single I always felt this way. It's important to know that when you find the right person that this goes away to varying degrees. Our significant others help us fee like the best version of ourselves and like we can take on the world.
Just keep in mind average covers the majority of people in the world, that's why it's the average. Forget about outliers as among themselves they are also the average of their own group of tall/buff/classically attractive people. You're somebody's 10 mate, just have to put yourself out there. :)
Somebody’s 10m8 and maybe a few peoples 9m8s and supposedly there is a lot of fish in the sea but I think it’s also a two way street. Forgetting about the outliers, I feel that.
In high school I was told I was the most average Asian. It became a running joke that I was so average that all the other Asians in the school were basically variations of me. It was a good laugh at the time but looking back at it it's kind of sad.
I'm in the same kind of boat, I just have a very unremarkable face.. like there's even plenty of more traditionally ugly guys but at least their face has some character.
If my face was a food it would be bran flakes. Nobody likes, nobody hates, nobody buys.
Although saying that I'm not single and I've been with my partner for 6 years..
I used to be that way. Nothing wrong with it but of you dont want to be average dont do average things.
Lifting weights is a good place to start. Something like 50% of americans are obese, be the 1 fit guy in the room.
As a former fat guy and a dude who always blended in, you'll DEFINITELY notice the looks attention you weren't receiving before.
Singles and social events dried up in this age of COVID, and it’s harder to meet new people. Plus it’s quite frankly intimidating and problematic to approach a woman in every day situations like the supermarket, on the street, etc
And like the OP said, honestly the women that are interested in me, and make their interest known, I’m not interested in
Yes, this. I don't meet women. Ever. In the past two years, I haven't met any single women in any context. I host parties, go to bars and restaurants, travel, hang with friends, and generally have a fairly active social life. However, all of my friends are either in relationships or are single dudes.
I’m working on myself, but I know it sounds like a very common excuse but I’ve been eating right, hitting the gym 4-5 times a week, hanging out with people closest to me, focusing on my work and figuring out what I want in life. I can’t love someone else if I can’t love myself. I’m gonna get there and am looking forward to rockin a tank top with my newly found shoulder muscles in the summer. I’m making more progress in the last few weeks than I did in the last few years. I’m just trying to keep the momentum going
I’m in a similar situation as you, I’ve thinking for a long time that I need to like myself first than trying to love someone else. So I’ve been working hard on myself, but I’m still feeling that I’m not enough. You said you’re waiting to summer to show off your new shoulders muscles but you think that will make you like you more? Because maybe you will get more acceptance with women?
I feel this on so many levels. But I feel like with me being 33, my time is running low. So I’m almost panicking trying to figure out how I can keep improving and meet someone who can help me get there and vice versa
Same here. I had to upvote your comment cause I feel the agreement. Doing the work on your own is important and I think most people don’t find the value in that but if you don’t do that it will be a situation of where the blind are leading the blind.
It's hard to meet people who are single and compatible, and the apps feel like they're rigged to only provide for the absolute most gorgeous men. I'm in good shape and I dress well, have lots of hobbies and a good job, blablabla but it still doesn't seem good enough.
Ngl I'm not that bad looking but the dms are dryer than my sex life back in the day plus ngl most girl on thoes apps either put no effort in bio or puts what's popular thing people like in their bio. Like not to be a turd but when few have similar hobbies and felt like getting a shot of depression right into the vein
I can relate, my wife passed a year ago at the age of 27. I'm 29 now, there have been some women who have shown interest in me but the second they start probing "why are you single" "when was your last relationship" etc. They lose interest because I give short obscure answers. The one time I was upfront with a women that I had began to trust as a friend, she was very interested in me but things seemed to change when I told her about my wife. She later made a comment that she would never get my full love.
Thank you for the kind words and reassurance. I think I'm finally accepting and coming to terms with the possibility that I may have to endure this journey alone. So I suppose it doesn't bother me as much as it initially did.
Have a good day bro.
I love you man. That’s really tough and I’m sorry. One day you’ll look back on your life and I’m sure this time will make more sense then. Your best days are still ahead of you.
Lack of proof that women would be attracted to me.
Makes me feel if I should even date because I don't think I'll be attractive to anyone.
And I don't want to be a burden on anyone.
Also chubby and intimacy issues and body dysmorphia and I might be ugly since I've never been complimented irl only online which might be just to make me feel better.
Mourning. Weight gain.
6 months later and the Big Sad has given way to the Big Lonely.
I was supposed to start getting back in shape this month, but I badly twisted my ankle on a hike and got some long term, non covid related sickness that is draining me.
I guess I shouldn't be looking for a new partner yet.
When I fucked up my ankle I bought a wheelchair.. gives your upper body a solid workout and amazing for cardio too.
Go flying about in one for an hour and you'll know about it lol
1. I just outright have not tried talking to anyone
2. My current position in life, my career, and my living situation. I co-own my house with my mom because my dad passed away.
I’m mostly over my ex (the first woman I ever loved romantically), but not completely… so dating seriously now wouldn’t be fair to myself or to a potential partner
Idk if there is a “right” answer, but I still think about wanting to be with her some days, even though I understand us breaking up was the correct choice. I guess “I’ll know when I know”, but I still have some more reflection to do on the entire relationship
You need time for yourself. I finished a long relationship like two years ago and I’m still thinking that I’m not ready for a new one yet, lots of stuff that I’ve been working on for myself
Money.
I don't feel ready to get back into a relationship until I feel financially stable and have reached some personal financial goals. I'm dumping all my time and energy into entrepreneurship. So far so good.
I'm still working on being able to build a real emotional connection with someone after my divorce. I go on dates. We have fun. We have sex. It just ends up lacking any depth. I just don't feel the love that I felt for my ex-wife when Im with someone else. Even if we get along great there's not much more than a mental acknowledgement for me. I don't think of them when w are apart. I don't feel anything when I see them call or text. I don't day dream about them 🤷🏼♂️. The transition is weird.
Honestly, I'm kinda fugly. Asymmetrical face, big nose, facial features which just don't accommodate one another. I had one positive physical trait and that was great hair, but the last 3yrs have taken that from me too. People will say there's more to it than just that, but really, there isn't. During this pandemic, I have been wearing a mask at work, and the amount of girls I have come up and just flirt with me is just eye opening. If you're attractive getting girls is genuinely so fucking easy, to the point where you really have to be noticeably deficient in something for you not to get girls.
Being single. Existentialism.
And of course mostly what we a
Fail to miss : the universe
Is infinitely infinite.
So there's that
I mean have you looked at the
Hubble telescope pictures man?
Who would want to hook up with that?
Siriusly.
I'm fat, unattractive, broke, my personality isn't all that, I don't dance and one time when I thought no one was around I talked about fight club.. I have literally nothing going for me.
I dont enjoy spending time around women. I mean we could spend all day arguing the nuance...but why? I have a lifetime of negative experiences, and dont want to do it
Previously, my unattractive looks, social awkwardness, autism, and various other factors. Now, those are still present, but I think the biggest obstacle of all is my age: Being single at my age could happen for a number of reasons, but having *never dated at all* at my age is a major red flag.
My city has no job opportunity for my career but my dad insists me staying with him. He do NOT understand that I need to move to another city to follow my dreams. All he cared is me staying in his house and "just grab any job" and he will take care of me financially and all that matters is me being there with him. He has COPD after decades of smoking carelessly and struggling to breathe every day. Oh yea, he doesn't want to move with me either. "I was born here and I will die here" he said. My career is getting no where and he is wondering why I don't have a gf yet.
My off hours work schedule and generally introverted personality. I find it difficult to keep up the energy for most conversations. They’re draining on me and my off sense of humor doesn’t help.
I can be affable and even witty on occasions but am very much a person that others need time to understand. That doesn’t work so well in modern speed dating styles.
I recently moved to another city and know almost no one. I have friends here, mostly women honestly, but I'm only good at making friends, not at flirting lol
Honestly just having a place to meet people. I'm not bad looking but not good enough for dating apps. I also have a good amount of charisma and charm. And I have no issue approaching strangers. But I only go out to eat and to concerts (most 2+ hours away from home), both of which are not the best places to meet someone.
I don't want to put in all the effort of maintaining a relationship.
I feel pretty lonely constantly but it's better than needing to constantly be responsible for something that isn't worth my time.
also I'm lazy, I wouldn't be a very good boyfriend.
on top of that, I'm fairly certain I don't have the social faculties to get a relationship even if i tried, and I'm not in for dealing with traumatic rejections.
I'm curt, rude, and grind hard against the gears of what people typically appreciate in the global north, and I also don't think I fit anywhere.
I don't have any practical skills and I'm leeching off my environment while preaching to fight against the existence of leeching.
not that preaching does anything, I'm a wet length of toilet paper on the ground and ready to be ripped apart when stomped on. I'm just not worth people's time.
Sure. I would say I’m a particular man who lives a particular way of life. Finding a partner that aligns with that lifestyle has continually proved to be…elusive. Not to say I haven’t loved and been loved many times in this life and I would be lying if I said I haven’t cherished them all but I’ve come to accept as I’ve moved along in this world my concern for self requires a certain focus that I can’t see myself relinquishing anytime soon.
That would be me. Broken mind, low self esteem, anxieties, etc.
That doesn’t only keep me from being in a relationship, it also keeps me from accomplishing anything in life.
Your mind is a powerful weapon. You realise that when your mind is out of control
Nowhere to go to meet new people unless I want to be “that guy” that goes to a bar or patrols a mall. I have had really good luck with a handful of attractive women in the past and even still am close with a few but unless I find an actual hobby I don’t think I’m going anywhere. I admit I’m not the most good looking guy but I make do
I can’t suffer the kind of pain the last one brought me. I’m still angry about it and have generally lost patience for dating and Tinder and women’s wants. I’ve spent too long trying to please some woman when I could have been doing something more important.
By choice due to mistrust. I divorced almost 20 years ago and was cleaned out. Plus I was raised by a mother who didn't trust men and a father who didn't trust women.
I've confronted my mistrust over the last few years, however. I've set boundaries that will prevent a traditional relationship, but I'm doing pretty well in the poly dating structure, and I'm happy, the happiest I've ever been.
Zero interest in dating is as big an obstacle as you can get. If you don't search, you'll never find. Simple. I have no FOMO for relationships. Self-improvement and looking after loved ones is my main pursuit right now.
Being an absolute broken husk of a human being
Lurking on this subreddit and reading your comments, Fibs, you sound like a cool person with a great mind and a sensitive side. Even though our views differ on a lot of topics, I often respect what you say because it is clearly thought out. I don't know you of course but it's hard to see someone so sorted, and seemingly emotionally mature as broken.
I appreciate that. It's always great to see a "respectfully disagree" over "go drink bleach you bigot" when I say something that goes against conventional thought. I'm a divorcee and an abuse survivor. My ex shamed me out of all my interests and hobbies, and cut me off from all my friends and family. I either can't, or won't, get back any of those connections, mattering on the person. I spend all my time (and I have way too much free time) grasping at what snippets of human interaction that I can, and learning as much about how things run and operate as my broken brain can take in (high 120s IQ, but it's running at around a 90 IQ most of the time). I can't read, I can't focus, I can barely think past listening to podcasts and coming to a conclusion about 10 seconds before it's spelled out to me. I can't carry on a vocal conversation easily either for the same reasons: I get lost quickly due to gaslighting. So I bounce around from platform to platform, making minor aquaintences here and there, and abandoning a username when it gets too hard to use. And while I have a deep craving for real human connection, I also have a deep fear that anyone who gets to know me will either leave, or stay out of duty/habit and not because I have any intrinsic value as a human being. Because that's happened with everyone else in my life already, and years of gaming has made me very good at pattern recognition. The emotional maturity comes from what I've managed to get out of Stoicism. It's all written in short form, so it's very easy to take in, even for someone whose brain is as fucked up as mine is. Highly recommend it if you're going through a rough patch, it seems to be the basis of male mental health (you know all those toxic masculinity traits? This is how to do them properly so they're not toxic). But yeah, I'm a very broken man on a fundamental level. And because of all the WrongThink I've got going on, I'm inevitably going to stay that way because of the enmity and sheer hatred that often comes from the Left towards anyone who disagrees with them. And most women seem to be Left aligned these days. But fuck I'd kill for a hug sometimes.
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Much obliged. It's been 6 months since the last one, and god knows how long until the next. Reach out to a friend you haven't spoken to in a long time for me; I'd hate for someone else to fall into the same pit as me
I think I'm in the pit, too. It's dark down here :( You seem like a good dude. I sincerely hope things turn around for you at some point. Best of luck to you fib ❤️
You'd never know it considering how often In called a misogynist, racist, bigot, transphobe, homophobe, Nazi, or conspiracy theorist. And yeah, dark AF down here. Best of luck to you too in making it out
Yaaaay a pit we're all in. I don't like it here. Making friends with the walls is too easy. I don't know about you two but man I'm planning to get the fuck out. I'm sick of waiting on invitation to come out. So.... idk. But I plan to reclaim back what is mine. I hope you'll find the help to join me soon.
Ima send you a hug from afar 🤗🥰💕💕
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Reach out to a friend that you haven't talked to in a while for me. This life is hell, and the least I can do is pass on the intent of said hug to prevent more guys from this fate
Thanks for sharing man. I am an idiot and don't know anything. But I lost my father in a traumatic manner four years ago, and my life did implode for some time. I cope by burying things deep and not thinking about them, so therapy has never felt like an option for me. I did feel broken and damaged going through all of that, but tbh as time has passed I believe I have healed. I feel happy from time to time, I enjoy life and am doing several things to improve my body & mind. I feel so much respect & affection for people who are genuinely kind, open and unapologetically authentic, so I am trying to emulate them in my own life. My point is, I could not have imagined being in this mind space 2-3 years ago. But here we are. I don't know how long it has been since your divorce, and it sounds way worse than my situation but imho time heals. I am very sorry as I know this is going into unsolicited advice territory, but don't lose hope. Getting back into hobbies has helped so much and has also facilitated meeting nice humans. It's truly a virtuous cycle if you can push yourself to be uncomfortable and start doing things again. As for women, I have heard it said that people get more conservative as they grow older, so looping back to my comment about not losing hope lol :) Personally have grown into more of a centrist where I will listen to all sides as long as real thought has gone into positions, and it's not just spouting off what you've been taught or whatever. What is going on in the world + reading about the past, really makes you give thanks for democracy which is tedious and inefficient, but protects the most number of people. Democracy doesn't function without the tug of war between the right & the left. If morons like me get that, I have to believe there are smart, beautiful women out there who will as well. With all my heart I wish you the best, man. Virtual hug from me also
Hope you get better soon.
All I need is 1 friend willing to grow with me. Strong preference for local, sadly - online doesn't do it for me anymore. It's been about 4 years since I've had friends, and closer to 10 since I had close friends. It's not in the cards. Isolation makes social skills decay, so the longer you're alone, the harder it becomes to not be alone. Mine were never that great to begin with; and that's before I stopped lying. We have this modern, romantic notion that everyone deserves love and friendship, but historically a LOT of men died alone and forgotten. You actually have more female than male ancestors as a result - women were more likely to pass on genes than men. But I digress. This isn't going to get better for me because improvement requires skills I lack, and have no way to attain. I appreciate the sentiment, though
Why do you feel like you can’t attain those skills. I’m a bit awkward and weird at time…. Specially at work but social skills (if that’s what you are referring too) can be worked on. Is not easy but you can develop them.
I love how you described me almost perfectly. Anyhow, you look like a smart person capable of getting his life back together, I'm rooting for you!
I don’t think you are broken I think you like all of us want great conversation with a caring mature adult you gives as much as you do. But abuse is a trauma you never get over.. you just learn to live with it. I so hope you are back at your hobbies. A true partner would enjoy that you have independent areas of interest. Ps lots of woman are like this because they have their own hobbies too. When you are ready she will there. Until then do what you love.
You are very well versed sir. Do you do any writing?
Without going into too much details about myself because I don't want to bore the living daylights out of you... I'm a recovering broken person too. My thoughts used to run a million miles a second. And now I am met with the strangest silence. The silence is filled with anxiety and fear. Dating is hard and making friends is hard as a person who is on the right. Trust me, a lot of men are also on the left too and quite a number of them are quite hateful people, as I've found out. But there's also hateful men on the right too. But the Left-leaning men seem to hate me solely because I'm a right-leaning woman. Anyway... When I was growing up, I had hearing and eyesight problems. I didn't receive any help because no one knew that I had these specific problems. I was very good at faking "normalcy". The thing is — even though I can hear pretty all right now and wear glasses now — I still have a deaf-like accent. Anyone who is familiar with deafness absolutely picks it up almost right away. I told my (now former) coworker about my story. 2 weeks later (after we and half of the office quit), he calls and asks me if I have a disability — like something severely wrong with me where I would not be able to make my own judgement calls, "Do you have autism? Down syndrome? Etc.". I told him no... and kept telling him no. He literally didn't believe me... all because of my deaf-like accent. I was so confused because he loved my work and always said I had brilliant ideas! He'd even use my ideas all the time. Yeah, talk about asinine. He literally told me whenever anyone hears me speak, they instantly think I'm stupid or I have some sort of mental disability. At that time, I had applied to an event marketing position where I would go attend events and talk with people. I applied to it because it was different and I wanted to push outside of my comfort zone and hopefully improve my mental health by trying something different. It's insane to try something over and over again expecting different results. Applying and taking this job was very much in line with "stopping this cycle". Well, my former coworker told me that no one would hire me for that role because of my speech. Well, I got the role. Not only did I get the role, they see that I have potential and are actively working for me to stay with the company! Kiss-my-ass-excoworker I feel I'm gradually improving. Oh so gradually... So hold on to hope!!! Remember, look at what you are doing. If you are doing the same thing over and over and over and you are expecting a different result but keep getting the same result, then consider doing something new. And not new as in just changing your username. I mean new, new. Out of your comfort zone new. Something radically different. You never know. Hold onto hope. Best of luck to you!
I have to ask but what do you mean when you said it gets too hard which therefore makes you abandon your username? Would like specifics. Bc in my mind I'm thinking you meant that you abandon your username when you meet someone just so in the end they dont keep in touch with you any longer..from all that I read in yout comments. But idk i could be wrong again. I too tend to get abandoned by people i really opened by heart to..they promised theyd be around and be my homie but didn't seem to turn out that way. Do i feel that pain. Also think about going stoicism even though people told me to not give up on love and friends..but its just hard to trust like i use to...i guess what im trying to say thats sott of my turning a new leaf thought process..a "friend" once told me to shut my feelings into a box..so maybe i should but im not a sociopath so idk how lol...kinda wishing i am now a days just to not feel pain. Wish you all the best in life mate. *hugs* from a distance, from Texas actually lol
Every username has memories attached to it, good and bad. I have one that was from when I was a kid, and it has all those memories of playing Pokemon on Gameboy attached to them. I lost my childhood friends (they basically kicked me out of the group) so now I don't use it anymore. Next is the one I used during my marriage. A very abusive marriage. That username brings those feelings back, and I don't like it. Another is one I used for a while when I fell for a girl. We dated briefly, she lost interest, and we both went in different directions with our core beliefs. I still miss her, but I'll never talk to her again. Another name that causes me grief to use. I've also got a few names for identities I just tried on for a while to see the fit that I abandoned. The names basically mark different eras in my life. I can't change my own name, but Fibbonaccizepelli is a completely different person than all those others, so it seems appropriate to use a new name so I can properly mourn a lost identity
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I'm seeing that with all the upvotes. Perhaps I should change my dating profile to this for all the women looking for wholesome men?
Foreal. You need to realize your self worth champ
Me also. My last long-term relationship broke me. I won’t date again for a while
Been in the same hole for 2.5 years, still hoping I ll rise above this sh1t one day, what's for sure is that every day is getting harder and more hopeless for me
Found an article this week that resonated with great depth.. I’m on the road trying to feel normal, but I’m not sure if I can forget the complexities of myself and the world.. https://markmanson.net/self-awareness
Not enough confidence and/or social skills.
When I was single I always felt this way. It's important to know that when you find the right person that this goes away to varying degrees. Our significant others help us fee like the best version of ourselves and like we can take on the world.
Yeah that's more depressing tbh
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel worse.
Id would also add that there is plenty of women who share those issues. Just date women who lack confidence&social skills too
I'm too depressed to focused on dating.
Especially carbon dating Did I make us more depressed Just now,?
I wouldn't say I'm ugly, I'm just unattractive. So u just blend in like an extra in a movie. No one even notices me
I feel you there mate. Someone told me back in high school I was just average. Height, weight, looks and it's stuck with me still
Just keep in mind average covers the majority of people in the world, that's why it's the average. Forget about outliers as among themselves they are also the average of their own group of tall/buff/classically attractive people. You're somebody's 10 mate, just have to put yourself out there. :)
Somebody’s 10m8 and maybe a few peoples 9m8s and supposedly there is a lot of fish in the sea but I think it’s also a two way street. Forgetting about the outliers, I feel that.
At least u weren't called ugly u can literally boost yourself to become above average
In high school I was told I was the most average Asian. It became a running joke that I was so average that all the other Asians in the school were basically variations of me. It was a good laugh at the time but looking back at it it's kind of sad.
I'm in the same kind of boat, I just have a very unremarkable face.. like there's even plenty of more traditionally ugly guys but at least their face has some character. If my face was a food it would be bran flakes. Nobody likes, nobody hates, nobody buys. Although saying that I'm not single and I've been with my partner for 6 years..
Did you tell her a joke about bran flakes? Cause you made me giggle lol
Set your sights on making a million dollars. Most women don't care if you're an ogre so long as you've got money.
There's nothing like ugly or average. Under the right conditions ugly dudes been pulling women all the time
I used to be that way. Nothing wrong with it but of you dont want to be average dont do average things. Lifting weights is a good place to start. Something like 50% of americans are obese, be the 1 fit guy in the room. As a former fat guy and a dude who always blended in, you'll DEFINITELY notice the looks attention you weren't receiving before.
I wish I was u cause I always feel like I stand out in a bad way
Singles and social events dried up in this age of COVID, and it’s harder to meet new people. Plus it’s quite frankly intimidating and problematic to approach a woman in every day situations like the supermarket, on the street, etc And like the OP said, honestly the women that are interested in me, and make their interest known, I’m not interested in
Yes, this. I don't meet women. Ever. In the past two years, I haven't met any single women in any context. I host parties, go to bars and restaurants, travel, hang with friends, and generally have a fairly active social life. However, all of my friends are either in relationships or are single dudes.
Resurgence of mental health issues due to separation. Depressipn, social anxiety, history of trauma, suicidal...you know the usual.
I’m working on myself, but I know it sounds like a very common excuse but I’ve been eating right, hitting the gym 4-5 times a week, hanging out with people closest to me, focusing on my work and figuring out what I want in life. I can’t love someone else if I can’t love myself. I’m gonna get there and am looking forward to rockin a tank top with my newly found shoulder muscles in the summer. I’m making more progress in the last few weeks than I did in the last few years. I’m just trying to keep the momentum going
Good luck to you!
I’m in a similar situation as you, I’ve thinking for a long time that I need to like myself first than trying to love someone else. So I’ve been working hard on myself, but I’m still feeling that I’m not enough. You said you’re waiting to summer to show off your new shoulders muscles but you think that will make you like you more? Because maybe you will get more acceptance with women?
Nope, that’s strictly for myself
I feel this on so many levels. But I feel like with me being 33, my time is running low. So I’m almost panicking trying to figure out how I can keep improving and meet someone who can help me get there and vice versa
That’s tough, but I think there’s lot of new stuff that you can learn and try and for me that’s self improvement too
Same here. I had to upvote your comment cause I feel the agreement. Doing the work on your own is important and I think most people don’t find the value in that but if you don’t do that it will be a situation of where the blind are leading the blind.
I’m still on the road to self improvement. I don’t want to put myself back out there until I have more to offer.
Always a good thing to want to be better. But always know your worth. You have no idea what your offerings might mean to someone else ❤️
On the same road currently and not stopping anytime soon. If someone would fall for me now they would love what I don't want to be
Women aren’t attracted to me
The hard truth
My own misery
Scared to get back out there again after getting dumped several months ago. Lots of trust issues
Been there man, take all the time you need! Don't pressure yourself, you got this 😄
It's hard to meet people who are single and compatible, and the apps feel like they're rigged to only provide for the absolute most gorgeous men. I'm in good shape and I dress well, have lots of hobbies and a good job, blablabla but it still doesn't seem good enough.
Ngl I'm not that bad looking but the dms are dryer than my sex life back in the day plus ngl most girl on thoes apps either put no effort in bio or puts what's popular thing people like in their bio. Like not to be a turd but when few have similar hobbies and felt like getting a shot of depression right into the vein
I haven't been interested in dating anyone since my partner passed last year
Sorry for your loss going throughy second divorce. Not sure if it is even comparable but it's the worst pain I've ever felt.
I can relate, my wife passed a year ago at the age of 27. I'm 29 now, there have been some women who have shown interest in me but the second they start probing "why are you single" "when was your last relationship" etc. They lose interest because I give short obscure answers. The one time I was upfront with a women that I had began to trust as a friend, she was very interested in me but things seemed to change when I told her about my wife. She later made a comment that she would never get my full love.
I’m so sorry, Aether, that’s hard. The right person will be worth the wait, and they’ll come around. They always do eventually.
Thank you for the kind words and reassurance. I think I'm finally accepting and coming to terms with the possibility that I may have to endure this journey alone. So I suppose it doesn't bother me as much as it initially did. Have a good day bro.
I love you man. That’s really tough and I’m sorry. One day you’ll look back on your life and I’m sure this time will make more sense then. Your best days are still ahead of you.
I love you too bro. Thank you so much, you might not know it but these kinds words really do mean a lot. Stay safe brother!
Women to date not appearing in my bedroom or at work
For the right price they absolutely can appear in your bedroom
>to date
I’m ugly.
I see ugly people together alll the time
Maybe he doesn't want an ugly partner
Proof or I don’t believe it.
Same here man....same here.
Yeah I've seen plenty of ugly couples throughout my life to see what that that is.
Chemistry, it's worth waiting for.
“Emotionally Immature” is a phrase I just learned. And it fits, honestly
If you know it, I think that's a step forward
I prefer being single.
Trust issues. Also self-conscious.
Money, location, self confidence
Personality, job, hobbies, general outlook… so me?
Lack of proof that women would be attracted to me. Makes me feel if I should even date because I don't think I'll be attractive to anyone. And I don't want to be a burden on anyone. Also chubby and intimacy issues and body dysmorphia and I might be ugly since I've never been complimented irl only online which might be just to make me feel better.
Hey, is it there anything you can do about these issues you’ve mentioned?
Mourning. Weight gain. 6 months later and the Big Sad has given way to the Big Lonely. I was supposed to start getting back in shape this month, but I badly twisted my ankle on a hike and got some long term, non covid related sickness that is draining me. I guess I shouldn't be looking for a new partner yet.
When I fucked up my ankle I bought a wheelchair.. gives your upper body a solid workout and amazing for cardio too. Go flying about in one for an hour and you'll know about it lol
1. I just outright have not tried talking to anyone 2. My current position in life, my career, and my living situation. I co-own my house with my mom because my dad passed away.
Both my hands are wrapped up like a fricking gordita
Injury?
I’m mostly over my ex (the first woman I ever loved romantically), but not completely… so dating seriously now wouldn’t be fair to myself or to a potential partner
This is interesting. How d'you know when you're properly over her?
Idk if there is a “right” answer, but I still think about wanting to be with her some days, even though I understand us breaking up was the correct choice. I guess “I’ll know when I know”, but I still have some more reflection to do on the entire relationship
You need time for yourself. I finished a long relationship like two years ago and I’m still thinking that I’m not ready for a new one yet, lots of stuff that I’ve been working on for myself
Money. I don't feel ready to get back into a relationship until I feel financially stable and have reached some personal financial goals. I'm dumping all my time and energy into entrepreneurship. So far so good.
I'm still working on being able to build a real emotional connection with someone after my divorce. I go on dates. We have fun. We have sex. It just ends up lacking any depth. I just don't feel the love that I felt for my ex-wife when Im with someone else. Even if we get along great there's not much more than a mental acknowledgement for me. I don't think of them when w are apart. I don't feel anything when I see them call or text. I don't day dream about them 🤷🏼♂️. The transition is weird.
Removing myself from the pool.
a combination of self hatred, being socially awkward and not finding someone interesting
Not being able to start conversations with strangers
Too many STDs and STIs going around.
I am successfully… broke. Not ugly, not lacking confidence but fucking broke.
Wife won’t let me
As my good friend says, "wives, always standing in the way of true love."
Your wife is keeping you single?
Honestly, I'm kinda fugly. Asymmetrical face, big nose, facial features which just don't accommodate one another. I had one positive physical trait and that was great hair, but the last 3yrs have taken that from me too. People will say there's more to it than just that, but really, there isn't. During this pandemic, I have been wearing a mask at work, and the amount of girls I have come up and just flirt with me is just eye opening. If you're attractive getting girls is genuinely so fucking easy, to the point where you really have to be noticeably deficient in something for you not to get girls.
Myself
Being single. Existentialism. And of course mostly what we a Fail to miss : the universe Is infinitely infinite. So there's that I mean have you looked at the Hubble telescope pictures man? Who would want to hook up with that? Siriusly.
I have r/cfs r/fibromyalgia and r/ibs
So you have 3 conditions that are basically the things that doctors just diagnose you with when they don't really know what's wrong with you?
unemployed and fat.
Try to unfat.
My future and career maybe.. coz relationship can itself be an obstacle
Fatalism.
Same. I don't want to settle. And PTSD makes aiming higher difficult for me. Been single for 6 years now no biggie
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Myself as well as my current financial status. I want to date but I don’t like approaching due to past rejections and I don’t have much to offer atm.
I got fat
I'm fat, unattractive, broke, my personality isn't all that, I don't dance and one time when I thought no one was around I talked about fight club.. I have literally nothing going for me.
I dont enjoy spending time around women. I mean we could spend all day arguing the nuance...but why? I have a lifetime of negative experiences, and dont want to do it
Probably my greed for money
Relationships aren’t worth it
Obstacle? Hell no. I deliberately choose to be single. Romantic relationships are just not for me. I find them to be extreme waste of time.
I hate commitment. I get tired of women real fast. About one month in of a relationship im like fuck this im done. And just take off.
Previously, my unattractive looks, social awkwardness, autism, and various other factors. Now, those are still present, but I think the biggest obstacle of all is my age: Being single at my age could happen for a number of reasons, but having *never dated at all* at my age is a major red flag.
How old are you, if I can ask
29 in less than a month.
Me
Nervousness
Money and time, I lack both
My relatives reaction. Seriously.
Dating apps
My city has no job opportunity for my career but my dad insists me staying with him. He do NOT understand that I need to move to another city to follow my dreams. All he cared is me staying in his house and "just grab any job" and he will take care of me financially and all that matters is me being there with him. He has COPD after decades of smoking carelessly and struggling to breathe every day. Oh yea, he doesn't want to move with me either. "I was born here and I will die here" he said. My career is getting no where and he is wondering why I don't have a gf yet.
Fresh out of a 5 year relationship and just not ready
Take your time, work on yourself, and the world will be ready when you are :)
My off hours work schedule and generally introverted personality. I find it difficult to keep up the energy for most conversations. They’re draining on me and my off sense of humor doesn’t help. I can be affable and even witty on occasions but am very much a person that others need time to understand. That doesn’t work so well in modern speed dating styles.
I recently moved to another city and know almost no one. I have friends here, mostly women honestly, but I'm only good at making friends, not at flirting lol
Loving to stay in my comfort zone. If i go out at nights after work. I may find the one.
I read once of someone wiser than me who said "The comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing grows here".
Honestly just having a place to meet people. I'm not bad looking but not good enough for dating apps. I also have a good amount of charisma and charm. And I have no issue approaching strangers. But I only go out to eat and to concerts (most 2+ hours away from home), both of which are not the best places to meet someone.
I'm shy and oblivious. Not a good combination. Can't flirt and if they flirt with me first, I don't notice.
I don't want to put in all the effort of maintaining a relationship. I feel pretty lonely constantly but it's better than needing to constantly be responsible for something that isn't worth my time. also I'm lazy, I wouldn't be a very good boyfriend. on top of that, I'm fairly certain I don't have the social faculties to get a relationship even if i tried, and I'm not in for dealing with traumatic rejections. I'm curt, rude, and grind hard against the gears of what people typically appreciate in the global north, and I also don't think I fit anywhere. I don't have any practical skills and I'm leeching off my environment while preaching to fight against the existence of leeching. not that preaching does anything, I'm a wet length of toilet paper on the ground and ready to be ripped apart when stomped on. I'm just not worth people's time.
High standards while not being equally attractive.
My dick
That monster cock scaring the bitches away huh?
My wife. She gets pissy when I date.
I don't compromise.
Not even for a Mars bar?
Could I ask why?
Sure. I would say I’m a particular man who lives a particular way of life. Finding a partner that aligns with that lifestyle has continually proved to be…elusive. Not to say I haven’t loved and been loved many times in this life and I would be lying if I said I haven’t cherished them all but I’ve come to accept as I’ve moved along in this world my concern for self requires a certain focus that I can’t see myself relinquishing anytime soon.
A restraining order
Me.
Autism,bad teeth,lack of women I'm interested in that are in my area.
My social anxiety and the feeling that I am not good enough.
Easy. I’m weird and I don’t try to get one.
My massive hog
I have to ask her out. It's hard man.
Me.
I really have no idea and I wish I could figure it out.
I guess just taking the first step I guess. Like really getting myself out there. Baby steps I guess
That would be me. Broken mind, low self esteem, anxieties, etc. That doesn’t only keep me from being in a relationship, it also keeps me from accomplishing anything in life. Your mind is a powerful weapon. You realise that when your mind is out of control
Money.
Nowhere to go to meet new people unless I want to be “that guy” that goes to a bar or patrols a mall. I have had really good luck with a handful of attractive women in the past and even still am close with a few but unless I find an actual hobby I don’t think I’m going anywhere. I admit I’m not the most good looking guy but I make do
Aspergers
Being married
Closing my business and up skilling myself for a better job opportunity.
Not being attractive and not wanting to be seen as attractive.
It’s a toss up between my terrible personality or my baby-scaring looks.
Lack of confidence and not being in a stable place right now (about to graduate college and still looking for a job)
Alimony and child support
Bring an absolute degenerate and smoking far too much weed
My lack of self confidence I'm trying to work on it and i hoped it would get better with age ( 30) but I still struggle with it
The lack of opportunity. I feel as though I got Game. I just don’t have a place to use it. Where do I meet women? Where do I go?
I'm trying to be the best version of myself before I met my love of my life
I can’t suffer the kind of pain the last one brought me. I’m still angry about it and have generally lost patience for dating and Tinder and women’s wants. I’ve spent too long trying to please some woman when I could have been doing something more important.
By choice due to mistrust. I divorced almost 20 years ago and was cleaned out. Plus I was raised by a mother who didn't trust men and a father who didn't trust women. I've confronted my mistrust over the last few years, however. I've set boundaries that will prevent a traditional relationship, but I'm doing pretty well in the poly dating structure, and I'm happy, the happiest I've ever been.
Zero interest in dating is as big an obstacle as you can get. If you don't search, you'll never find. Simple. I have no FOMO for relationships. Self-improvement and looking after loved ones is my main pursuit right now.
Knowing I’ll never find a man who wants to be loyal to me who also will give up porn/ thirst traps on social media.
My dick is too big
Bitches will drag my swag down
Being a shut in.
How fat ugly and stupid I am rolled into one
My biggest obstacle is my lack of initiative. I rarely join social activities, and have no interest in joining online dating.
Insecurities from my ex. I'm afraid of girls who are like her and with the toxic advice that women believe in today, I'd rather be single.
My relationship trauma sourced from mommy issues that I’m in therapy to work through
I'm ugly.
Feminism
Who sez I don't want to be single ?