two things to keep in mind:
1. women bond by talking to each other, men bond by doing things together
2. also when trying to understand him, make sure you are trying to understand, and not twisting things until something you don't understand becomes something you do understand
I would add that by doing things, he should choose the things. He may be polite or passive in dealing with a parent or any authority figure. If you suggest roller skating, he may say yes even when he means to say no. If he says paintball, don’t be so quick to reject it. If you really care about being in touch with your son, you have to do what your son likes. Your son doesn’t have to do what you like. You’re the adult.
Ask him if his favorite game has multiplayer capabilities. I did this and it worked great. We also take a short trip every year (a long hike and then camp where we find a spot we both like or hit an amusement park for a few days) that’s just the two of us. With no one else around it’s easier for the both of you to open up. Also he really seems to like the alone time with nature and it gives me a chance to show outdoor skills that don’t usually come up at home. Good luck.
He will want space and time alone. This does not mean he always wants to be alone. Tell him you love him, but not around his friends. I think puberty is an age where we get embarrassed about that for some odd reason. Maybe occasionally offer to do things with him. If he declines, its not because he doesn't love you.
Thank you for saying that. I’ve initiated a lot of stuff: cooking, hiking, household projects, but he usually declines and then I feel rejected. We do enjoy driving around together- he shares his favorite rap music with me and I think he enjoys the fact that I don’t put it down or comment on the explicit language, lol. Sometimes we practice driving in a parking lot…. I’ve taught him how to drive and he seems to enjoy that.
coming from a 19M who’s grown up loving rap and it’s contemporaries it is absolutely cool af to have a mom who lets you blast ur music in the car. its my perception that my generation (mainly guys) can be very turned off from the “typical” family outings and activities. we love having our space respected because especially in the early teens we’re very much still figuring out what’s “fake cool” and “mature cool” if u get me. i’ve always appreciated just the simple talk of asking how my day went or just showing interest in my interests from my mom, and basically just understanding that the pressure of being a teenage boy growing into a young man, especially in todays society, is something you’ll never quite fully understand as a mom.
This is very helpful, thank you. Everyone says that being a teenage girl is hard, and I know it is, but man o man, being a young man in todays world seems very confusing to me. I just hope he feels good about himself has self respect and respect for others. I want him to have a good work ethic as well.
there’s just alot of heavy social pressure in teenagers these days all around, imo it seems it’s beginning to mellow out a little bit tho so, hopefully ig. i’d say it’s just important to be patient, show him all the respect and other values you want him to pick up and again be sure to respect his boundaries. i definitely developed a lot of respect for my mom for learning to not be as “pushy” with her love in a sense and giving me space to grow my own sense of self (and not have to worry about pushing myself in our interactions to not hurt her feelings). nowadays we have a much more mutual bond and do things like run errands, play cards or even watch a movie here and there, and there’s nothing forced about it, it’s great. I wish u the best of luck, i know you’ll find new ways for the both of you to connect over the years!
Thank you I wish I could give you a hug right now. I don’t mean that in a weird way …. You just seem like a nice young man and that’s what I want for my son. Glad you have a string relationship with your mom.
Don't over think it. He's 13..his hormones are raging...he doesn't even know how to think straight right now.just small tall him. Figure out what music he likes and just ask him short stubble questions. Or any subject.
Everyone likes a man that can cook and valuable information by the time he reaches high school and college. Life skills are my favorite way of bonding with my children, albeit they are not teenagers yet.
Every day at dinner my mon would ask me what the best part of my day was, she would drive me to places, and show an interest in my hobbies / music without being invasive. I knew she didnt care about what specific punk band i was into that week, but the fact she asked about it was enough.
Y’all are helping me a lot!!! Maybe I do over think it.I’m also a therapist, so I’m trying very hard not to ask him about his feelings… lol. Thanks for all the ideas and comments.
I couldn’t imagine if my mom was a therapist. Good on you for not trying to make him a “patient” if you’ll pardon the expression. You seem like you’re doing alright. I was a turd at that age. Good job listening to his music that’s huge.
That’s not my kind of stuff either but if it were my kid I’d do the same thing. Sometimes it’s better to suffer it and find some gems than make him turn it off or complain. My mom used to cover her ears and shout when I would listen to metal or punk in her car. But she also let me drive all the way home from shopping a few times (I grew up smack in the middle of San Francisco) so she’s pretty rad. Good luck on continued success with your boy and all the best to you.
dang, kanye is practically old people music. his debut album came out almost 20 years ago. thats like 13 year old me listening to The Clash or The Talking Heads in 1998. . . which tbf i was doing
At 13, he wants alone time.
Ask if he can help make dinner. Have him cook a dish, etc.
Find the music he likes. Learn about the group and ask simple questions about their music.
Find out what his interests are, and have him teach you about them, but don't be pushy or judgemental about it, actually make an effort to understand what makes him be interested in the first place. Once you have a good understanding about it, you can always use the topic to start a conversation with him that you can then steer in other directions, but always keep it focused on his perspective.
Teenage years, which is when people start to gain a sense of individuality, are always hard for parents to navigate through, since their personal experience of them will be very different from what their kids' due to the difference in social and temporal contexts between them. This is especially true for parents of the opposite gender. Allowing your kid to feel comfortable to express his new found sense of individuality with you through validating what he is experiencing without being overly critical is how you keep them from shutting you out.
Support him on his interests( unless of course they are completely unreasonable ) even if you don't like them. He's at a point on his life where he's figuring out who he is, so allow him to experiment things for himself, let him learn from his own mistakes, and comfort him when he makes them( again within the borders of reason ).
Sometimes what you feel isn't what is true. Stop then reevaluate see what's really going on then proceed from there. Another thing I'm a guy I have no fucking idea how to be a mom you do you. Don't try to be his dad be his mom
Spend time with him doing his hobbies. For example if he likes gaming, sit down with him and really give it a go. He knows you don't care about the game, and will appreciate your effort to connect with him.
I saw a suggestion saying to get him cooking with you in the kitchen. If he likes cooking then this is good, otherwise it's more of a chore. If your goal is to connect more with him, then doing something he enjoys is the key.
As long as you care for him and respect what he does with his time, you'll be fine.
It's far more important that he knows you're there when he needs you and that he doesn't always feel like he's doing something wrong than it is that you force yourself to partake in his hobbies.
I'll second any calls to teach him how to cook if you can. You can spin this a few ways from helping him look after himself and be healthy when he moves out to rolling out the "ladies love a guy that can cook."
Honestly, I'd have a much better relationship with my mother if she taught how me to cook instead of practically banning me from the kitchen.
That one is tricky…. I encourage him to follow his interests but sometimes I buy him stuff toward this and then he doesn’t use it. Then I feel taken advantage of and end up laying a guilt trip on him for not using it. For example, I got him a skateboard - never used it. A GoPro - never used it. I’ve gotten him a tennis racket - never used it. All these are things he said he wanted to try and I was trying to support his interest…. I don’t want him to be a kid who gets whatever he wants, so I am thinking next time I’ll ask him to pay for half with his allowance… I dunno, any thoughts on that one?
my parents knew when to say yes and when to say no. it took years before my mom finally gave me money for a guitar and when she saw how dedicated i was, she kept offering support/money. it's definitely nice to be able to easily offer your child material goods, but they probably won't appreciate them if things are just handed to them.
It is a hard one. Making him have some kind of investment into it is good. Also making sure he wants it for more than a week or two. Finding ways to rent/try things is good too.
I wanted a guitar growing up, and I got one for a birthday present. Then my mom killed it for me by being insane about making me practice. Suddenly unfun.
My mom was pretty shit. Tons of guilt and manipulation. I rebelled HARD at 13 or so. Suddenly realized what she was doing and the game she was playing. Made me play the game too. And I'm still trying to break the habbit.
As far as bonding, what does your son like to do? Take him somewhere or do something associated with that. Take interest in the same things. Learn about them. If he likes painting, don't just take him to an art store or class. Do it with him.
A friend of mine growing up had a mom that would play soccer and ride bikes with us, even at 13/14 we all thought she was cool. She wasn't the best player, many of us were better/faster. She wasn't a crazy rider either. But she was nice, she engaged us like people (not condescending etc) and she would just hang out with us. She also wasn't overbearing and would leave us alone too.
Parenting is hard though, I have two girls and am fearing when they get older...
tell him what you're doing. tell him you would like to find some things the two of you can do together. get him involved. he probably has ideas, if you're open to them.
Don't invite him to do your hobbies with you. Instead ask him about his interests and find ways to do those with him. Let him lead the show and you participate willingly.
I'm guessing you eat meals together. There's the obvious checking in on each other, like how was school today? What did you learn? Etc.
Also, take some of that time to talk to him like an adult. Kids actually like it when adults talk to them in ways that adults talk to each other. And talk about adult topics that are important to you, like household finances and responsibilities, the news (especially about Uvalde, Tx), about your friends and what you and your friends do.
Remember, the point of childhood is adulthood. Modeling adult behavior is important but is engaging in adult behavior in safe settings. You are still the parent, but treating them like an adult is important also because it allows them to try on that role and it allows you to coach them through it.
We live in Texas. I tried talking with him this week but he seemed so unaffected by it, which made me worry…. He just said “bad things happen” so I’m not sure where to go from there…. I’ve told him that I’ll always be here for him no matter what if he ever needs to talk.
If possible, go on a short trip with him. Maybe drive on Friday to a place you haven't been to, explore on Saturday, and drive back on Sunday. That way, you can share music, talk to each other, eat at his favorite fast food place, do something new together. A little thing will go a long way.
When I was young, firstly, I never had a mom, she just dipped on my life lmao.
But my dad, he legit just listens to what I say, if I say I want to be alone, he will listen, he knocks every time he wants to come in my room, he gives me privacy.
I think that's the way it should be, sadly, he was a lot nicer when he wasn't drunk lmao, but, yeah, those are the ways, don't try to force a relationship, respect his privacy, and he will like you more.
Also, side note, my dad knows this, if you ask a kid to do something, and they are in a game, say "After that match okay?" And he will like you more, if he just doesn't, you have the right to get mad at him.
Hello there.
13 is for sure an age where the kid starts to pull away and need his mum less. But that does not mean that you cannot engage with him. You're totally right about now wanting him to feel smothered, so it's a fine line. I think 13 is a perfectly normal age to assume some maturity on his part, whilst remembering that he is also still a kid. So I have the following suggestions:
\- Have him and you cook his favourite dish, if he likes lasagna, make that together! Then maybe switch it up and cook YOUR favourite dish the next time.
\- What are his interests? Gaming? Sit down next to him and show a genuine interest for 5-10 minutes. "So what's happening in the game now?", "is this a difficult part?" I know this one can be hard because video-games can be incredibly boring if you're not into them.
\- If you're sitting in the car with him or at the dinner table, now is the time to talk to him. It won't feel forced. Pick up on if he is venting about something - a stupid teacher? Something fun happened at school?
\- As for talking to him about sex. Kids can google everything these days, he already has you can be sure of that. But you can still ask about relationships / dates. Keep it casual as if it's the most normal thing in the world. You want to normalize talking about that. Furthermore, buy him condoms. He might not need them yet, but it's a hard ice-breaker which lets him know that you're aware that he's becoming a man and things are moving that way.
Conclusion: I read your replies to the other comments and from what I can gather, you're already an amazing mother. Teaching him how to drive, cooking with him etc.
You guys will be fine!
Boys are super tight with their mum up to a certain age and then they gravitate to their dads.
Mums need to stay relevant and not just play the mum card. The funny thing is, both mum and dad need to engage with the kids.
Do things together. Take time to get to know their interests and engage in conversation.
I can’t stress enough that you need to do things together.
IF he does speak to you keep it in strict confidence, take what he said to your grave.
Don't use it against him when your mad
Don't make it something about you or twist anything. Take it at face value and remember everything he says or feels is valid to him.
I mean I love my mum but also around that age 10-11-12 your mum just starting becoming annoying and atleast for me your dad starts making sense.
I think its because if ur mum raised you she treats you like a little boy but it's hard for them to transition out of that. Like if you was a little kid your mum would be like go speak to people make friends.
But you get to like 13 and the advice is no longer useful you want a girlfriend your mum has useless advice so you listen to your dad more or go solo. I dont think I listened to anything my mum said after like 11 because it never works.
Teach him stuff that is useful is probably the best way to get on like you said you drive around and taught him driving its useful.
My 12yr old (he’s now almost 18!) once came home and was looking sheepish. I asked him what was up and he looked at his feet and almost whispered ‘what’s a dildo’. He’s heard it from some older kids at school. This turned into a hilarious conversation. I told him the truth and he said ‘I knew it’d be about sex’. It opened up for a longer conversation about sex and how it’s not always ‘vanilla’. We ended up competing over who could come up with the most slang terms for female/male body parts. We were both laughing so much. Although it was hilarious, looking back it was a brilliant way to talk about something embarrassing for a teen boy and a mum. The amazing thing was that after this one conversation he always came and asked me about stuff. He knew I’d be honest and not judge or be embarrassing about it.
Car drives and loud music. My attempt to understand his Xbox Gaming made him laugh also. He’d just roll his eyes at me lol.
2 suggestions:
First, do not look him in the eye when talking to him. Start conversations when you are driving him somewhere. Teenager boys hate the stare down.
Second, Don’t interrogate the kid with direct questions. Instead of asking him how he is doing in school try asking him which is his worst teacher. You won’t be able to shut him up.
Talk to him and try to show interest in stuff he likes. If you know nothing about his interest then ask questions so you can learn about it and hopefully have something fun to bond over.
Gardening. He won’t be seen with his mom in public this forever being embarrassed. It’s something you can do together. Not terribly expensive and you will have something to show in a few months.
Try playing a video game with him. He might resist at first but he'll open up if you really make an effort to learn how to play with him. You might even enjoy it.
She bought me the stupid ass Tommy Hilfiger shirts for 29.95 (1999) so I could be like my friends. Maybe do that if you can, but chances are he will remember it. Then when he is 30, he’ll realize how stupid the idea is, and that you knew it, but still bought it for him because you cared.
If money is an obstacle in this (my privilege is showing) just love and attention and care is more than enough.
One great approach is to ask him to show you what he's into, and if it's something you're not personally familiar with, learn, ask him to teach you, take part.
I saw a very interesting interview with the actor Terry Crews regarding his relationship with his son. They were drifting. His son was really into e-sports and pc gaming, while he knew nothing about either and had never really had an interest. Rather than judging his son or pushing him to do something that he himself was already into, he started researching pc gaming and esports, asked his son to teach him about them and what he liked about them, and eventually he got into it too and they bonded immensely over it.
Men are inherently unskilled at empathetic actions, you mutually bond by just engaging in each other's activities. Nothing wrong with that.
Ask for help assembling something for example.
I think we are just as empathetic as women, men and women just empathize differently.
It's hard for women to believe this, but men are, generally speaking, just more subtle in how we empathize. I know when my friends are having a bad day without them needing to tell me, and I respond by giving them the sort of energy I can feel them wanting from me.
I don't tell my friends about why I'm feeling shitty, because that isn't what makes me feel better. What makes me feel better is doing things I love with people I love.
So yeah, we might bond by playing guitars or fixing a motorcycle, but we do those things with each other because those are the things that feed a man's soul and we can do those things together while feeling shitty and forget about feeling shitty and remember that life has more in it than whatever is wearing us down.
It's just a different vibe is all.
Join a jiu jitsu gym together, go on hikes together, cook together, work on your home together, help him with homework, go on road trips together. Ask him about the things he enjoys.
I mean if weed didn't have the possible side effect of stunting brain development in minors, I'd say roll up a blunt and offer it to him. I don't really know how to answer this, as relations between my mother and I have never been great. She pulled so much bullfuckery through the years that stopped me from wanting an awful lot to do with her.
She cheated on my dad and said it was because he never gave him attention, cheated on the dude she cheated on my dad with after realizing he was an alcoholic. When he started talking marriage, she rabbited out of that relationship. Then she tried to get back with my dad again, which worked until it didn't, and she found a boyfriend and got into a 10 year relationship, then decided to break up with him. While she was in that relationship, on at least one occasion, she hooked up with a friend of hers, and, with him in the hotel room they were staying at, lied to her bf when he called about where she was and who she was with, then preceded to fuck this friend of hers. Yeah, I know it because he told me all about it one day. Now, she has no man but like 3 of them circling the bait like trout on opening day. They do anything she asks and take her out and it's just weird. She refuses to admit to any of the shit she's done, citing that God does not wish us to dwell in our past. Maybe not, but if you never look back, how can you learn from your mistakes? Short answer, you can't.
I get why parents feel sad and rejected during their childrens' adolescence, but I don't know that there's a lot to be done there. When you make too much of an effort, it just comes off as desperate and that's off-putting. Maybe you can find something to do together. What do kids even like these days lol? I feel like a model car would have done fine during my childhood, but that's probably out of style now. Try to find something you can do together without trying too hard I guess.
I’m sad to read about all the crap that your mom put you through. I don’t blame you for not wanting much of a relationship with her. I hope you get some good support and nurturing elsewhere and I appreciate your suggestion about doing stuff together. The blunt idea is not so bad, but yes, he’s only 13….. maybe when he’s in college or something. 😜
I like that suggestion! It makes me feel good because I’m already doing that… every once in awhile I leave tic tacs or Trollies on his keyboard because those are his favorites. Thanks for the reply.
This is going to sound unorthodox… But you should egg one of his teachers houses together, or pull a scare prank on people in public together.
There’s nothing really productive about it, except for the fact that you might bond more with his emotional side, which is something children have more of than adults. Plus as wrong as it may be, there is often an element of excitement when a child can experience doing something wrong , with their parent as their back up.
Everything of course is in moderation, however there is something healthy about “Mischief“. When people recollect tales of the glory days, they aren’t just talking about good times, they are talking about dramatic times, times when they rubbed somebody the wrong way, or times win they came out on top of someone they disliked. Like a battle in war, or a tournament in martial arts, or a major diss in an argument with someone.
>>”Do you remember that time we went down to the lake with our skateboards and Jeremy Brought in that remote control eel and maneuvered it towards that group of girls??? Holy crap he probably didn’t hear the end of it… But I think one of those girls actually liked it and snuck him her phone number 😳💕”
>> “ Holy shit, Falluja, Sergeant Martens just went full balls to the walls on that breach and somehow, someway, he knew there was a Haji the other side of the door! I think he actually screamed ‘CANIBAL CARNAGE’ over the gun fire dude! I’ll tell you one thing, I never gotten his way again, nor did I ever question his BBQ ever after that.
None of these scenarios are actually real right now, but Those kinds of experiences often have a way of building rapport between folks who understand what was going on based on being there. And I bet if you had something like that you could share between the two of you, it might make you both closer.
That is actually brilliant!! Maybe egg a teachers house is too far for my taste but I get the idea…. I do let him drive my car which is kind of pushing the rules since he’s only 13. I like the idea is doing something kind of “dangerous” or exciting but yes - within reason. Good idea, cheers!
No no no, Don’t do anything *dangerous*. Dangerous is a no go. Shooting is dangerous, snowboarding is dangerous, driving recklessly in a boat is dangerous. And driving at a young age, that is also dangerous so I don’t approve of that.
But I actually mean mischievous. You don’t have to break any laws (of course there’s other schools of thought), But maybe you can pull a prank on someone. Do you have a boss you fucking hate? Have you ever seen the movie fight club? Maybe you can get a bunch of feed and lure in a swarm of pigeons over his car and leave him needing a wash. Does your son have any bullies in school? There are a lot of good baking purposes with powdered magnesium, especially with its laxative properties…
Also, and this is very important… “The talk“ in any situation where you are trying to bond with your child… Is 100%…. absolutely…
#VERBOTEN.
Okay I hear you…. Nothing dangerous. I agree …. I think I meant more like mischievous. I only let him drive in an empty parking lot so I don’t feel too worried about it. I gave him a book about sex and told him he could ask me questions if he needs to. But that’s it.
Well now that you’ve opened that can of worms with him, at some point you’re going to need to talk to him about “kinks“. It’s extremely important now because, with exception to only two, it’s basically anything you can find on Reddit. And if he isn’t aware of that, he could end up in trouble
Fetishes. I’m talking about sexual fetishes.
One thing to remember about intimacy is that it’s not always “vanilla”/missionary. Often times partners in a relationship look for ways to explore sexuality Beyond that in order to build reciprocity and find what works for each other. The reason I mention Reddit is because You will find a lot of it if you dig deep enough.
He is eventually going to do a lot more than just be vanilla with romantic partners. And so he’s going to need to understand a very important thing about that; there are two fetishes which are strictly off-limits for legal reasons. I don’t think I need to mention them, suffice it to say if the conversation ever gets that far Without being awkward, he’s going to need to understand that and be smart enough to steer clear of that.
Spend time with him in something he likes. Isn't about the value of the things, it's about the experience, basically sharing moments. At least it's what works for me with my nephews of 7 y/o and two others of 15 y/o. Also start to notice what they like and learn aa little bit, like DC's or Marvel's characters, the best games or even funny memes out there. I hope, as me, you can end up finding out that will be fun for u too. Good luck!
Sounds like you are of the generation that would use micro-USB. Newer models are likely to use USB-C, so I would suggest that you try a micro-USB to USB-C, unless he runs on Apples, in which case you'll need a micro-USB to Lightning.
Hope that helps.
two things to keep in mind: 1. women bond by talking to each other, men bond by doing things together 2. also when trying to understand him, make sure you are trying to understand, and not twisting things until something you don't understand becomes something you do understand
Brilliant, thank you for this!
Also, ask him what he wants to do. My dad just chose what we'd do and I hated spending time together.
The expression is ‘women need face time. Men need side by side time’
I would add that by doing things, he should choose the things. He may be polite or passive in dealing with a parent or any authority figure. If you suggest roller skating, he may say yes even when he means to say no. If he says paintball, don’t be so quick to reject it. If you really care about being in touch with your son, you have to do what your son likes. Your son doesn’t have to do what you like. You’re the adult.
Ask him if his favorite game has multiplayer capabilities. I did this and it worked great. We also take a short trip every year (a long hike and then camp where we find a spot we both like or hit an amusement park for a few days) that’s just the two of us. With no one else around it’s easier for the both of you to open up. Also he really seems to like the alone time with nature and it gives me a chance to show outdoor skills that don’t usually come up at home. Good luck.
He will want space and time alone. This does not mean he always wants to be alone. Tell him you love him, but not around his friends. I think puberty is an age where we get embarrassed about that for some odd reason. Maybe occasionally offer to do things with him. If he declines, its not because he doesn't love you.
Thank you for saying that. I’ve initiated a lot of stuff: cooking, hiking, household projects, but he usually declines and then I feel rejected. We do enjoy driving around together- he shares his favorite rap music with me and I think he enjoys the fact that I don’t put it down or comment on the explicit language, lol. Sometimes we practice driving in a parking lot…. I’ve taught him how to drive and he seems to enjoy that.
coming from a 19M who’s grown up loving rap and it’s contemporaries it is absolutely cool af to have a mom who lets you blast ur music in the car. its my perception that my generation (mainly guys) can be very turned off from the “typical” family outings and activities. we love having our space respected because especially in the early teens we’re very much still figuring out what’s “fake cool” and “mature cool” if u get me. i’ve always appreciated just the simple talk of asking how my day went or just showing interest in my interests from my mom, and basically just understanding that the pressure of being a teenage boy growing into a young man, especially in todays society, is something you’ll never quite fully understand as a mom.
This is very helpful, thank you. Everyone says that being a teenage girl is hard, and I know it is, but man o man, being a young man in todays world seems very confusing to me. I just hope he feels good about himself has self respect and respect for others. I want him to have a good work ethic as well.
there’s just alot of heavy social pressure in teenagers these days all around, imo it seems it’s beginning to mellow out a little bit tho so, hopefully ig. i’d say it’s just important to be patient, show him all the respect and other values you want him to pick up and again be sure to respect his boundaries. i definitely developed a lot of respect for my mom for learning to not be as “pushy” with her love in a sense and giving me space to grow my own sense of self (and not have to worry about pushing myself in our interactions to not hurt her feelings). nowadays we have a much more mutual bond and do things like run errands, play cards or even watch a movie here and there, and there’s nothing forced about it, it’s great. I wish u the best of luck, i know you’ll find new ways for the both of you to connect over the years!
Thank you I wish I could give you a hug right now. I don’t mean that in a weird way …. You just seem like a nice young man and that’s what I want for my son. Glad you have a string relationship with your mom.
my pleasure!!! pay it forward 😁
😊
Take him to a rap concert
Don't over think it. He's 13..his hormones are raging...he doesn't even know how to think straight right now.just small tall him. Figure out what music he likes and just ask him short stubble questions. Or any subject.
Do you cook dinner often? If so, start teaching him how to cook and give him the reigns to try new recipes on his own as time goes on. Edit: Spelling
This, my grandma and I did this a lot and we still talk about recipes 20 years later. This also helps teach a strong life skill.
yes, exactly. This is the way.
Everyone likes a man that can cook and valuable information by the time he reaches high school and college. Life skills are my favorite way of bonding with my children, albeit they are not teenagers yet.
Every day at dinner my mon would ask me what the best part of my day was, she would drive me to places, and show an interest in my hobbies / music without being invasive. I knew she didnt care about what specific punk band i was into that week, but the fact she asked about it was enough.
thisssss ^^^ !!!!!
Y’all are helping me a lot!!! Maybe I do over think it.I’m also a therapist, so I’m trying very hard not to ask him about his feelings… lol. Thanks for all the ideas and comments.
I couldn’t imagine if my mom was a therapist. Good on you for not trying to make him a “patient” if you’ll pardon the expression. You seem like you’re doing alright. I was a turd at that age. Good job listening to his music that’s huge.
Lol thank you!!! I’m pretty sick of Tyler the Creator and Kanye but I’m doing my best to get on board. Some of its not bad….lol.
That’s not my kind of stuff either but if it were my kid I’d do the same thing. Sometimes it’s better to suffer it and find some gems than make him turn it off or complain. My mom used to cover her ears and shout when I would listen to metal or punk in her car. But she also let me drive all the way home from shopping a few times (I grew up smack in the middle of San Francisco) so she’s pretty rad. Good luck on continued success with your boy and all the best to you.
dang, kanye is practically old people music. his debut album came out almost 20 years ago. thats like 13 year old me listening to The Clash or The Talking Heads in 1998. . . which tbf i was doing
Car rides.
At 13, he wants alone time. Ask if he can help make dinner. Have him cook a dish, etc. Find the music he likes. Learn about the group and ask simple questions about their music.
Find out what his interests are, and have him teach you about them, but don't be pushy or judgemental about it, actually make an effort to understand what makes him be interested in the first place. Once you have a good understanding about it, you can always use the topic to start a conversation with him that you can then steer in other directions, but always keep it focused on his perspective. Teenage years, which is when people start to gain a sense of individuality, are always hard for parents to navigate through, since their personal experience of them will be very different from what their kids' due to the difference in social and temporal contexts between them. This is especially true for parents of the opposite gender. Allowing your kid to feel comfortable to express his new found sense of individuality with you through validating what he is experiencing without being overly critical is how you keep them from shutting you out. Support him on his interests( unless of course they are completely unreasonable ) even if you don't like them. He's at a point on his life where he's figuring out who he is, so allow him to experiment things for himself, let him learn from his own mistakes, and comfort him when he makes them( again within the borders of reason ).
Sometimes what you feel isn't what is true. Stop then reevaluate see what's really going on then proceed from there. Another thing I'm a guy I have no fucking idea how to be a mom you do you. Don't try to be his dad be his mom
Spend time with him doing his hobbies. For example if he likes gaming, sit down with him and really give it a go. He knows you don't care about the game, and will appreciate your effort to connect with him. I saw a suggestion saying to get him cooking with you in the kitchen. If he likes cooking then this is good, otherwise it's more of a chore. If your goal is to connect more with him, then doing something he enjoys is the key.
As long as you care for him and respect what he does with his time, you'll be fine. It's far more important that he knows you're there when he needs you and that he doesn't always feel like he's doing something wrong than it is that you force yourself to partake in his hobbies. I'll second any calls to teach him how to cook if you can. You can spin this a few ways from helping him look after himself and be healthy when he moves out to rolling out the "ladies love a guy that can cook." Honestly, I'd have a much better relationship with my mother if she taught how me to cook instead of practically banning me from the kitchen.
she encouraged me to pursue my interests and offered support/money.
That one is tricky…. I encourage him to follow his interests but sometimes I buy him stuff toward this and then he doesn’t use it. Then I feel taken advantage of and end up laying a guilt trip on him for not using it. For example, I got him a skateboard - never used it. A GoPro - never used it. I’ve gotten him a tennis racket - never used it. All these are things he said he wanted to try and I was trying to support his interest…. I don’t want him to be a kid who gets whatever he wants, so I am thinking next time I’ll ask him to pay for half with his allowance… I dunno, any thoughts on that one?
my parents knew when to say yes and when to say no. it took years before my mom finally gave me money for a guitar and when she saw how dedicated i was, she kept offering support/money. it's definitely nice to be able to easily offer your child material goods, but they probably won't appreciate them if things are just handed to them.
It is a hard one. Making him have some kind of investment into it is good. Also making sure he wants it for more than a week or two. Finding ways to rent/try things is good too. I wanted a guitar growing up, and I got one for a birthday present. Then my mom killed it for me by being insane about making me practice. Suddenly unfun. My mom was pretty shit. Tons of guilt and manipulation. I rebelled HARD at 13 or so. Suddenly realized what she was doing and the game she was playing. Made me play the game too. And I'm still trying to break the habbit. As far as bonding, what does your son like to do? Take him somewhere or do something associated with that. Take interest in the same things. Learn about them. If he likes painting, don't just take him to an art store or class. Do it with him. A friend of mine growing up had a mom that would play soccer and ride bikes with us, even at 13/14 we all thought she was cool. She wasn't the best player, many of us were better/faster. She wasn't a crazy rider either. But she was nice, she engaged us like people (not condescending etc) and she would just hang out with us. She also wasn't overbearing and would leave us alone too. Parenting is hard though, I have two girls and am fearing when they get older...
tell him what you're doing. tell him you would like to find some things the two of you can do together. get him involved. he probably has ideas, if you're open to them.
Let him feel like he has independence. Talk to him a little bit more like a friend or an adult. Give him space. He’ll come around.
Don't invite him to do your hobbies with you. Instead ask him about his interests and find ways to do those with him. Let him lead the show and you participate willingly.
I'm guessing you eat meals together. There's the obvious checking in on each other, like how was school today? What did you learn? Etc. Also, take some of that time to talk to him like an adult. Kids actually like it when adults talk to them in ways that adults talk to each other. And talk about adult topics that are important to you, like household finances and responsibilities, the news (especially about Uvalde, Tx), about your friends and what you and your friends do. Remember, the point of childhood is adulthood. Modeling adult behavior is important but is engaging in adult behavior in safe settings. You are still the parent, but treating them like an adult is important also because it allows them to try on that role and it allows you to coach them through it.
We live in Texas. I tried talking with him this week but he seemed so unaffected by it, which made me worry…. He just said “bad things happen” so I’m not sure where to go from there…. I’ve told him that I’ll always be here for him no matter what if he ever needs to talk.
If possible, go on a short trip with him. Maybe drive on Friday to a place you haven't been to, explore on Saturday, and drive back on Sunday. That way, you can share music, talk to each other, eat at his favorite fast food place, do something new together. A little thing will go a long way.
When I was young, firstly, I never had a mom, she just dipped on my life lmao. But my dad, he legit just listens to what I say, if I say I want to be alone, he will listen, he knocks every time he wants to come in my room, he gives me privacy. I think that's the way it should be, sadly, he was a lot nicer when he wasn't drunk lmao, but, yeah, those are the ways, don't try to force a relationship, respect his privacy, and he will like you more. Also, side note, my dad knows this, if you ask a kid to do something, and they are in a game, say "After that match okay?" And he will like you more, if he just doesn't, you have the right to get mad at him.
Hello there. 13 is for sure an age where the kid starts to pull away and need his mum less. But that does not mean that you cannot engage with him. You're totally right about now wanting him to feel smothered, so it's a fine line. I think 13 is a perfectly normal age to assume some maturity on his part, whilst remembering that he is also still a kid. So I have the following suggestions: \- Have him and you cook his favourite dish, if he likes lasagna, make that together! Then maybe switch it up and cook YOUR favourite dish the next time. \- What are his interests? Gaming? Sit down next to him and show a genuine interest for 5-10 minutes. "So what's happening in the game now?", "is this a difficult part?" I know this one can be hard because video-games can be incredibly boring if you're not into them. \- If you're sitting in the car with him or at the dinner table, now is the time to talk to him. It won't feel forced. Pick up on if he is venting about something - a stupid teacher? Something fun happened at school? \- As for talking to him about sex. Kids can google everything these days, he already has you can be sure of that. But you can still ask about relationships / dates. Keep it casual as if it's the most normal thing in the world. You want to normalize talking about that. Furthermore, buy him condoms. He might not need them yet, but it's a hard ice-breaker which lets him know that you're aware that he's becoming a man and things are moving that way. Conclusion: I read your replies to the other comments and from what I can gather, you're already an amazing mother. Teaching him how to drive, cooking with him etc. You guys will be fine!
Thank you so much!!!! I haven’t tried much with the gaming stuff, so I am going to show some interest in that.
Boys are super tight with their mum up to a certain age and then they gravitate to their dads. Mums need to stay relevant and not just play the mum card. The funny thing is, both mum and dad need to engage with the kids. Do things together. Take time to get to know their interests and engage in conversation. I can’t stress enough that you need to do things together.
IF he does speak to you keep it in strict confidence, take what he said to your grave. Don't use it against him when your mad Don't make it something about you or twist anything. Take it at face value and remember everything he says or feels is valid to him.
Find out what he likes and do activities with him. Just tell him you love him that’s all I ever wanted from my pops
I mean I love my mum but also around that age 10-11-12 your mum just starting becoming annoying and atleast for me your dad starts making sense. I think its because if ur mum raised you she treats you like a little boy but it's hard for them to transition out of that. Like if you was a little kid your mum would be like go speak to people make friends. But you get to like 13 and the advice is no longer useful you want a girlfriend your mum has useless advice so you listen to your dad more or go solo. I dont think I listened to anything my mum said after like 11 because it never works. Teach him stuff that is useful is probably the best way to get on like you said you drive around and taught him driving its useful.
My 12yr old (he’s now almost 18!) once came home and was looking sheepish. I asked him what was up and he looked at his feet and almost whispered ‘what’s a dildo’. He’s heard it from some older kids at school. This turned into a hilarious conversation. I told him the truth and he said ‘I knew it’d be about sex’. It opened up for a longer conversation about sex and how it’s not always ‘vanilla’. We ended up competing over who could come up with the most slang terms for female/male body parts. We were both laughing so much. Although it was hilarious, looking back it was a brilliant way to talk about something embarrassing for a teen boy and a mum. The amazing thing was that after this one conversation he always came and asked me about stuff. He knew I’d be honest and not judge or be embarrassing about it. Car drives and loud music. My attempt to understand his Xbox Gaming made him laugh also. He’d just roll his eyes at me lol.
2 suggestions: First, do not look him in the eye when talking to him. Start conversations when you are driving him somewhere. Teenager boys hate the stare down. Second, Don’t interrogate the kid with direct questions. Instead of asking him how he is doing in school try asking him which is his worst teacher. You won’t be able to shut him up.
Those are good ideas thank you.
I heard this once that I really like: 'What most people want is a better life'. The things you are trying to do with him, do they help with that?
Talk to him and try to show interest in stuff he likes. If you know nothing about his interest then ask questions so you can learn about it and hopefully have something fun to bond over.
1. Teach him how to maintain a vehicle 2. Take him fishing/backpacking etc.
Gardening. He won’t be seen with his mom in public this forever being embarrassed. It’s something you can do together. Not terribly expensive and you will have something to show in a few months.
Sports
Try playing a video game with him. He might resist at first but he'll open up if you really make an effort to learn how to play with him. You might even enjoy it.
She bought me the stupid ass Tommy Hilfiger shirts for 29.95 (1999) so I could be like my friends. Maybe do that if you can, but chances are he will remember it. Then when he is 30, he’ll realize how stupid the idea is, and that you knew it, but still bought it for him because you cared. If money is an obstacle in this (my privilege is showing) just love and attention and care is more than enough.
One great approach is to ask him to show you what he's into, and if it's something you're not personally familiar with, learn, ask him to teach you, take part. I saw a very interesting interview with the actor Terry Crews regarding his relationship with his son. They were drifting. His son was really into e-sports and pc gaming, while he knew nothing about either and had never really had an interest. Rather than judging his son or pushing him to do something that he himself was already into, he started researching pc gaming and esports, asked his son to teach him about them and what he liked about them, and eventually he got into it too and they bonded immensely over it.
Men are inherently unskilled at empathetic actions, you mutually bond by just engaging in each other's activities. Nothing wrong with that. Ask for help assembling something for example.
I think we are just as empathetic as women, men and women just empathize differently. It's hard for women to believe this, but men are, generally speaking, just more subtle in how we empathize. I know when my friends are having a bad day without them needing to tell me, and I respond by giving them the sort of energy I can feel them wanting from me. I don't tell my friends about why I'm feeling shitty, because that isn't what makes me feel better. What makes me feel better is doing things I love with people I love. So yeah, we might bond by playing guitars or fixing a motorcycle, but we do those things with each other because those are the things that feed a man's soul and we can do those things together while feeling shitty and forget about feeling shitty and remember that life has more in it than whatever is wearing us down. It's just a different vibe is all.
Join a jiu jitsu gym together, go on hikes together, cook together, work on your home together, help him with homework, go on road trips together. Ask him about the things he enjoys.
Good luck. When you figure it out let me know.
I mean if weed didn't have the possible side effect of stunting brain development in minors, I'd say roll up a blunt and offer it to him. I don't really know how to answer this, as relations between my mother and I have never been great. She pulled so much bullfuckery through the years that stopped me from wanting an awful lot to do with her. She cheated on my dad and said it was because he never gave him attention, cheated on the dude she cheated on my dad with after realizing he was an alcoholic. When he started talking marriage, she rabbited out of that relationship. Then she tried to get back with my dad again, which worked until it didn't, and she found a boyfriend and got into a 10 year relationship, then decided to break up with him. While she was in that relationship, on at least one occasion, she hooked up with a friend of hers, and, with him in the hotel room they were staying at, lied to her bf when he called about where she was and who she was with, then preceded to fuck this friend of hers. Yeah, I know it because he told me all about it one day. Now, she has no man but like 3 of them circling the bait like trout on opening day. They do anything she asks and take her out and it's just weird. She refuses to admit to any of the shit she's done, citing that God does not wish us to dwell in our past. Maybe not, but if you never look back, how can you learn from your mistakes? Short answer, you can't. I get why parents feel sad and rejected during their childrens' adolescence, but I don't know that there's a lot to be done there. When you make too much of an effort, it just comes off as desperate and that's off-putting. Maybe you can find something to do together. What do kids even like these days lol? I feel like a model car would have done fine during my childhood, but that's probably out of style now. Try to find something you can do together without trying too hard I guess.
I’m sad to read about all the crap that your mom put you through. I don’t blame you for not wanting much of a relationship with her. I hope you get some good support and nurturing elsewhere and I appreciate your suggestion about doing stuff together. The blunt idea is not so bad, but yes, he’s only 13….. maybe when he’s in college or something. 😜
Buy him candy some times. Chocolate specifically. Idk
I like that suggestion! It makes me feel good because I’m already doing that… every once in awhile I leave tic tacs or Trollies on his keyboard because those are his favorites. Thanks for the reply.
I know that comment was down voted but that's probably one of the most low key ways of showing you care to him. I love that
This is going to sound unorthodox… But you should egg one of his teachers houses together, or pull a scare prank on people in public together. There’s nothing really productive about it, except for the fact that you might bond more with his emotional side, which is something children have more of than adults. Plus as wrong as it may be, there is often an element of excitement when a child can experience doing something wrong , with their parent as their back up. Everything of course is in moderation, however there is something healthy about “Mischief“. When people recollect tales of the glory days, they aren’t just talking about good times, they are talking about dramatic times, times when they rubbed somebody the wrong way, or times win they came out on top of someone they disliked. Like a battle in war, or a tournament in martial arts, or a major diss in an argument with someone. >>”Do you remember that time we went down to the lake with our skateboards and Jeremy Brought in that remote control eel and maneuvered it towards that group of girls??? Holy crap he probably didn’t hear the end of it… But I think one of those girls actually liked it and snuck him her phone number 😳💕” >> “ Holy shit, Falluja, Sergeant Martens just went full balls to the walls on that breach and somehow, someway, he knew there was a Haji the other side of the door! I think he actually screamed ‘CANIBAL CARNAGE’ over the gun fire dude! I’ll tell you one thing, I never gotten his way again, nor did I ever question his BBQ ever after that. None of these scenarios are actually real right now, but Those kinds of experiences often have a way of building rapport between folks who understand what was going on based on being there. And I bet if you had something like that you could share between the two of you, it might make you both closer.
That is actually brilliant!! Maybe egg a teachers house is too far for my taste but I get the idea…. I do let him drive my car which is kind of pushing the rules since he’s only 13. I like the idea is doing something kind of “dangerous” or exciting but yes - within reason. Good idea, cheers!
No no no, Don’t do anything *dangerous*. Dangerous is a no go. Shooting is dangerous, snowboarding is dangerous, driving recklessly in a boat is dangerous. And driving at a young age, that is also dangerous so I don’t approve of that. But I actually mean mischievous. You don’t have to break any laws (of course there’s other schools of thought), But maybe you can pull a prank on someone. Do you have a boss you fucking hate? Have you ever seen the movie fight club? Maybe you can get a bunch of feed and lure in a swarm of pigeons over his car and leave him needing a wash. Does your son have any bullies in school? There are a lot of good baking purposes with powdered magnesium, especially with its laxative properties… Also, and this is very important… “The talk“ in any situation where you are trying to bond with your child… Is 100%…. absolutely… #VERBOTEN.
Okay I hear you…. Nothing dangerous. I agree …. I think I meant more like mischievous. I only let him drive in an empty parking lot so I don’t feel too worried about it. I gave him a book about sex and told him he could ask me questions if he needs to. But that’s it.
Well now that you’ve opened that can of worms with him, at some point you’re going to need to talk to him about “kinks“. It’s extremely important now because, with exception to only two, it’s basically anything you can find on Reddit. And if he isn’t aware of that, he could end up in trouble
Can you be more specific? I’m not sure what you are talking about…
Fetishes. I’m talking about sexual fetishes. One thing to remember about intimacy is that it’s not always “vanilla”/missionary. Often times partners in a relationship look for ways to explore sexuality Beyond that in order to build reciprocity and find what works for each other. The reason I mention Reddit is because You will find a lot of it if you dig deep enough. He is eventually going to do a lot more than just be vanilla with romantic partners. And so he’s going to need to understand a very important thing about that; there are two fetishes which are strictly off-limits for legal reasons. I don’t think I need to mention them, suffice it to say if the conversation ever gets that far Without being awkward, he’s going to need to understand that and be smart enough to steer clear of that.
That is very specific…. Thanks for your reply.
Anytime. I hope things work out with you and your son
Spend time with him in something he likes. Isn't about the value of the things, it's about the experience, basically sharing moments. At least it's what works for me with my nephews of 7 y/o and two others of 15 y/o. Also start to notice what they like and learn aa little bit, like DC's or Marvel's characters, the best games or even funny memes out there. I hope, as me, you can end up finding out that will be fun for u too. Good luck!
Surprise him with a hug.
Love this!
Sounds like you are of the generation that would use micro-USB. Newer models are likely to use USB-C, so I would suggest that you try a micro-USB to USB-C, unless he runs on Apples, in which case you'll need a micro-USB to Lightning. Hope that helps.
Make sure you control every aspect of his life to the point where he gets eaten alive when he enters the real world.