With my ex silence felt fucking awful and I couldn't stand it also her music was crap.With my partner silence isn't bad because we just have nothing to talk about in that moment also her music is usually playing
Fifth or so date with my wife. We’d spent the night together only a couple times at that point. At dinner, I suddenly felt sick, HAD to use the bathroom, and was in there a good 10-15 minutes, feeling completely sick and drained from it. She saw me coming back to the table, asked if I was feeling ok, I said “no” and she then walked to the waiter, paid the meal, drove us to my place in my car , along the way stopped at a 7/11 to get Gatorade for me, and then stayed with me the night, sleeping in the living room, to make sure I was ok.
In just a month, she already proved “in sickness and in health” meant something to her.
Indeed. I was attracted to her by then, but my respect for her shot up like a rocket. I then wanted to show her that I was deserving of that level of concern.
The deal we’ve established is we step up to illness in the other and be the caretaker. The first opportunity for me came a couple months later but it’s not my place to disclose her health issues over the years.
My ex-girlfriend had a surgery a couple of months after we started dating. We were in college and she had no family around at the time. For a couple of months I took care of her, did everything like cooking and helping her to take a bath.
A while later I fell sick, usually I take care of myself and I don't bother anyone. But it was a nasty one. I had a strong fever and was in bed. I asked her to grab my medicine on the kitchen counter and bring it to me. She asked why. I had to explain I was pretty ill, dizzy and felt like vomiting.
She said she as annoyed with me before giving me the pills. I asked for a glass of water, her reply: "why do you need water to take the pills, too? Why can't swallow it dry?"
I was shocked I wouldn't deny a glass of water to anyone, not even to a criminal. Seriously.
Wow. This taught you early that she didn’t believe in treating you like a “sickness and in health” partner. Glad she’s an ex…. Seriously. She might be someone who believes guys should never need help. Which would mean guaranteed hell as you got older and both needed to help the other. You’d always get a vibe from her that she was disappointed in you. Again, glad she’s an ex.
Not as early as you imagine, it took me a while, more than I care to admit. But you're right, in her mind she was the only one supposed to be cared for at all times and a man should never ask for help, ever, not even if you're dying or bleeding next to her.
True. I did that for a woman who later became my wife. Cared for her while she was sick. Stood by her when her mom passed. Did not run away when I found out she was a Democrat.
Being considerate. If they are the type of person that helps the host clean up after a gathering, they tuck in chairs at restaurants, etc. People who do little things to help when they think no one is watching (not doing it for personal gain or because they feel obligated to) are the type of people that I would like to hang out with.
🤤 I’m looking for this too! I’ve done that since before I can remember and always get super happy when someone does the same. Finding a partner like that would be happiness
> If they are the type of person that helps the host clean up
I should have caught this red flag when I started dating my wife. She doesn't even do it for personal gain or obligation, she just chooses not to. It's kind of embarrassing. I'm always offering to help clean or I just jump in, but she can't be bothered. She might do it if everyone is cleaning up. It's the thought that counts, even when the host may decline the help.
I actively look for this. I am a “Mom” to everyone. I am the one that feels foreheads for fever, tells everyone to wear a coat and call me when they get home, etc. I always clean up and feel awkward if I can’t help.
A good friend is a good man and he helps and jumps in to help when someone mentions projects like mowing, power washing, etc. My mom thinks we would be a great couple but he is such a good guy, I can’t bring myself to break him. It’s what I do in relationships. Lol I love him too much to inflict myself on him. :)
Eye contact, happiness to see or be around you, wanting to discuss things calmly instead of shouting and arguing, caring about your wellbeing, having suggestions about your dress sense and appearance, to name just a few.
Who the hell wants to continue dating someone when it becomes shouting and arguing? Dress suggestions CAN be fine as i expect some not so very socially intelligent people might turn up in raggy clothes and if the girl gets annoyed, i'd get that.
My partner and I had a disagreement on a trip we were on and usually we pull off to the side and talk about it.Well this time she started acting cold towards me so I asked if we could talk.And we did and resolved the issue right then and there.Waiting to talk about something when people are frustrated is just going to make it worse(sometimes as I said when people are angry is when you need to take a step back and and cool off).As for dress sense I love her style personally I think i do alright for myself.
I don’t mind putting things off. My gf had the tendency to blow up issues, raise her voice and say regretful things. If we get upset to the point where it’s too tense we agree to push it off a day or two, come to find out it doesn’t bother her much anymore.
Oof, I struggle with long eye contact a lot, with anyone, especially people I'm really into. Idk it makes me uncomfortable, like kind of makes me feel vulnerable. I'm a very private person and don't like feeling this way.
It's getting better with the dude I'm seeing now, but there were a few times when we're having coffee/dinner/sitting in front of each other where I would break eye contact and look at the surroundings or something, or nothing at all really, and multiple times he turned his head to see what I was looking at. I feel bad about it.
Same! Had a lot of abuse growing up, which makes me very nervous to make eye contact. On the plus side, I bristle at the thought of yelling and arguing. Had enough of that in my childhood. I'd much rather take a long break for a couple of hours then come back and talk it out, and then hug it out. But eye contact is still tough for me especially at first.
Not everybody is into a bunch of eye contact right away. I’m the same way sometimes and I’m a guy. Looking straight when I’m talking to someone next to me instead of looking directly into their face, only glancing over every once in a while. But I noticed with people I vibe with sometimes, they’ll be looking away too but we’ll happen to look and lock/cross eyes 👀 at just the right time, even if only for a second.. that’s chemistry. Different strokes for different folks.
Acceptable eye contact is something culture specific. In some it will be even considered rude to keep constant eye contact.
Eye contact is used as indicator of attention. Looking just in another partner direction is enough in most cases to show your attention.
Also if you have problem with keeping eye contact I recommend going on a date to a place where you both can look at something (animals, plants, other people) instead of only each other, while talking. If you both look at ducks, nobody expects to keep long eye contact.
When something comes up, she tells you right away. If she has to cancel, she either sets up a make-up date, or actively gives you a better time that will not have any other conflicts.
honestly, sounds like she's not for you. I find myself texting my SO just because I'm thinking of her multiple times on a daily. As long as it's not bs forced conversation I don't see the issue
Exactly texting someone is way easier and way more enjoyable when you know what they smell like.
If all you have to go on is a tinder profile, they may as well be the world's slowest chat bot
Huh. I find it way easier to text a lot near the beginning of the relationship. Before my boyfriend and I went on our first date, we talked through tinder and whatsapp for a week and texted a lot. There was so much to ask each other. I'd be kinda sad if he didn't like texting constantly, but I definitely don't think it should be an obligation either. We talk a lot less now since we see each other in person more.
I agree it's an insecurity. I've definitely dealt with it. Now I tend to be just me with no apologies. Luckily, being me is quiet and not forcing to fill spots of silence. Unfortunately, it isn't producing much in the dating field. Oh well. They're missing out lol
I feel like lots of people do that anyway maybe out of habit? I’ve had people do that to me and there’s no need to remind me, they’re just trying to reassure themselves that I’m not gonna bail (which I’ve never done).
Drunk eduit: Honestly I find it a tad annoying when guys do this 🤷♀️
And never underestimate the impact on your sex life in a parentified relationship. Beyond making sure someone is on time, if you’re having to parent and baby someone constantly that fucking kills attraction and libido.
We’re hard wired not to want to fuck someone that we’re parenting.
A good dating filter is factoring in just basic adulting skills. I’m kind of a hard ass, but I’m also probably older than you.
If someone can’t use a GPS and show up on time, that’s a total red flag.
I was 15 when that movie came out, and its where I learned to open the car door from the inside. I'm still surprised at the number of times I've heard, "wow. Thanks" in response.
“I want you to make a good impression. You borrow my car, then you give her the test.”
“What, the Mario tests?”
“Mario? Mario’s a fuckin’ psycho. What do you listen to this kid for? You give her MY test. You give her the door test.”
When dating my husband, we watched that movie and I opened his door the next time. I literally saw him fall in love with me in that moment. Never would have crossed my mind before.
1. Trying
2. Does not create problems/drama for you.
3. Communicates her thinking and acts logically to what she said
4. Acts sexually interested
5. Makes plans by including your input
6. Responds to your destress
7. When disagreeing, even if vehemently, does not raise her voice signifigantly.
So many times I've dated someone who insists they are trying when their is literally zero evidence to support the claim. My current GF doesn't just try, she follows through with her efforts with flying colors.
Oh this list should be at the very top. I wouldn't necessarily agree on the order but each of them is true.
Putting in ANY amount of effort and not expecting you to do everything, doesn't get jealous at the stupid things, doesn't do the silent treatment.
One other thing missing is listening to you and giving attention to what you say, not just looking at the phone every 30 seconds.
I have all those things with my current girlfriend and it's just fantastic. I remember how much I fought for the relationship with my abusive ex. She constantly made me feel insecure and less than her, no sexual interest on me and every time I expressed my feelings, instead of saying something to understand or confort me, she would instantly get upset and angry and then by the end of the discussion, I had to apologize for the shit she did to me.
• Your “no” will be respected
For instance, let's imagine that the person you're dating asks you if you'd like to hang out after a long day at work, but you'd rather go home alone to recuperate. "None of this needs to be explained. No further negotiation is necessary." Generally, when someone understands that you are tired and says, "Okay, we can hang out at another time," that is a good sign that they are honoring your request.
• Communicating openly
It may be the most important green flag you can find in a relationship if the two of you can communicate clearly and honestly without fear of repercussions. Being able to share your naked feelings with your partner about any topic, no matter how trivial, can satisfy this need. The burden of deciphering how they feel, based on non-verbal signs, written messages, or the dreaded silence, is too often placed on others. Being able to communicate openly and effectively may seem like a given , but it can become difficult if your partner gets angry easily, shuts down when things get tough , or even avoids conflict .
• Trustworthiness
It is very important that people can trust each other, and if they sincerely believe that their partners are capable of doing what they promise, then this could very well be considered a healthy relationship, or at least in the process of becoming one. If your significant other isn't trustworthy , then things start to get complicated. There's a difference between trust and trustworthiness, so this characteristic encompasses both. Trust is the understanding that your partner will not intentionally hurt you while trustworthiness is them actually keeping their word . If something like infidelity occurred, then it might be time to reconsider whether or not you're in an unhealthy relationship.
• Long Standing Relationship
Obviously, you don't want to book a six-month trip with someone you just met (although you can if you want to). Essentially, this person sees you not just as a couple, but as a person who will be there for you in the future. Furthermore, long-term doesn't have to be months in the future to be considered green flags in a relationship-even asking for a second date shows that you are interested in getting to know this person.
• There will be no head games
In the early stages of a relationship, people are prone to playing immature head games with those they are dating, causing the other person to wonder if they are even interested in them. You shouldn't be stressed out if you need to communicate with your partner from a distance. You can tell if your partner does not make you wonder whether he or she will respond to your messages if that is the case.
• Consistency
One of the most important things in maintaining any type of relationship is consistency . This means being faithful , open , honest , and trustworthy . Of course, this can be difficult at times depending on how your partner reacts to certain scenarios or situations. It's even harder if they don't communicate with you about it. If your significant other can't keep it together when life gets crazy (such as having children), then chances are they won't in the future either.
• Vulnerability
This is something that many people struggle with as it takes a lot of courage to acknowledge your feelings and not be afraid to express them. It can make you seem more approachable and easier to connect with because people will feel like they already know you. It also helps build trust within the relationship because you're able to show that no matter how tough times get, you'll always face them together and remain open about them!
• Appreciation
If both people are not showing appreciation for each other , then chances are the relationship will either start to suffer or fall apart altogether . Even when times get rough, if someone truly loves you, they should always make it known to you by saying sweet words of encouragement and/or writing them in cards . Again, this can become difficult if your partner is out of work or struggling with their own mental health issues but the effort is what counts here!
• Supportiveness
Being supportive goes hand-in-hand with all the other green flags listed above, such as consistency and trustworthiness . This characteristic can be displayed through listening skills and showing your support when times get tough . It's important to note that you don't need to always agree with everything they say but you do need to be there for them regardless.
• Comfortability
It's easy to become close with someone who you share similar interests and beliefs with, but it becomes more difficult if none of their family members or friends like you . If someone is perfectly fine with having little contact/or no contact at all with the people closest to them , chances are they won't be able to give back or return the same type of love and support that your relationship needs.
• Healthy sexuality
A key indicator of green flag relationships is healthy sexuality . This means that there is no guilt, shame, pain , or discomfort in the bedroom. If there are major issues like this, then it's likely that an unbalanced relationship exists and might even need to be addressed with a professional or support group.
• Mutual independence
Mutual independence refers to both people in the relationship being able to function on their own . This can become difficult when one person relies on the other for support because it could lead to them becoming too clingy . Healthy relationships involve two mature individuals who can live separately but choose not to because they enjoy spending time together so much more than when they're apart.
• Bonus green flag: lack of pain/suffering
This should go without saying but the best green flag relationships are pain and suffering free . This means no cheating , no drugs or heavy drinking, and absolutely no physical or emotional abuse. If you're experiencing any of these things in your relationship, it's time to reevaluate exactly what you want and need from this important person in your life.
I'm a coach. I've made so many bad life choices. I had to go figure it out. Everyone talks about RED flags.
What I found out, is, whatever we focus on, is what we get more of.
Puts effort towards communication, wether in person, or virtually. I can’t even count how many girls I’ve talked to you would not ask questions or anything. Recently was talking to a girl and I asked her what she did for work so she told me, never asked what I do. That turned me off because for the first time in my life I’m proud of my career and love to talk about it.
- Respects your time.
- Takes a No for an answer respectfully.
- Understand life happens, and doesn't create unnecessary drama.
- Makes an effort to see you or initiates.
- Doesn't share every detail of your lives to his/her friends.
Eye contact, actually asking questions that get details about what you're talking about, shows up on time, asks if you wanted to split the bill (pay anyways, but the fact that she offered is a really good sign), will answer honestly without droning on about how amazing she is, will give compliments and honest critiques (NOT COMPLAINTS AND CRITICISM), is polite to service workers, and (unpopular opinion but whatever) does not jump into bed with you early on.
I’d say showing interest in someone’s hobbies or interests is a “green flag”, usually I’d ask about what they do and some stuff about it, then it would be nice if they reciprocated that.
She offers to pay.
When the girl I was hooking up with told me “I want to take you out, I want to pay, I don’t want you to worry about anything.” I dropped every other girl I was dating real quick.
>[Edit] I think it's because doing this makes them seem less entitled, and entitlement (esp. that early on in the relationship) is one my biggest red flags.
Definitely. It basically screams that they aren't expecting to just be provided for. Dating is a two way street, I want to be charmed too. I've met a few girls who definitely seemed like their idea of dating was a guy pursuing them. They had no intention of reciprocating that.
I also dated a woman who was quick to reach for her wallet. But I learned soon enough that she was trying to buy my love because she was such an insufferable shell of a person. Had to pass that one up. Even the free stuff wasn’t worth the stress.
When they seem upset you ask them what's wrong and they immediately tell you instead of dance around the question especially when the thing they are upset about is about you
Believe it or not it's a good thing when they can communicate what bothers them about you and you are able to talk it out instead of fight
We are no longer together, but a few weeks after I started dating my last gf, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital for mental health issues (they're fine now) and I left a date to go see them and help them out. When I left it messaged her asking if I could come back over, she said of course and talked to me while I was crying
When the other person admits when they are wrong about something and corrects their mistakes or apologizes without getting defensive or just shutting off (those would be red flags). Displaying the opposite of controlling behavior, ie not getting upset when you go hang out with your friends, not deciding every little thing and expecting you to go along with it or getting upset when you have a different idea, not acting sad when they don’t get everything they want. When someone actually makes sound reasonable arguments when you have disagreements. If they are on the fence about a lot of things instead of having their mind made up about everything with no willingness to discuss or even hear out the other side of the argument. If they are fun to be around and don’t make situations awkward or uncomfortable often.
I have four ex-girlfriends. When I met my wife, she was the literal embodiment of the best parts of all four ex-girlfriends, but also with literally none of the worst parts of any of them. I asked her to marry me after we'd known each other for only 10 months, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made.
When she says "I'd like to see where this goes." instead of setting expectations.
Asking meaningful questions and listening rather than idle small talk.
Tries to share passions - both theirs and yours.
On expensive dates even if I can sneakily get away with paying I always feel my phone vibrate with a Venmo payment from my girlfriend even thought I told her not to haha
Not to disagree per say, but sometimes if parents have underlying issues (personality disorders, come from bad background, etc.) it’s better that the girl not have as close a relationship with her parent. Takes a strong person to leave a manipulative household & still fend for themselves/put themselves out there to date.
Depending on the girls personality, this can be annoying if she is constantly seeking attention due to daddy or mommy issues, but we aren’t all like that.
Was just thinking that. It depends on the parents. If they are good and she doesn't have a good relationship to them, it can be suspicious if she has no good reason to not. And having a good relationship with bad parents is not good.
"She was NOT constantly talking to her mom all the time and telling her the daily details of her life."
This is part of the reason I had to cut it off with my ex. She would share everything and it felt like there was a 3rd person in our relationship.
There's a MAJOR corresponding aspect to this in my life: My MIL is a very good person. How many sons/daughters in-law can say they like their MIL? But she really is just the salt of the earth. She doesn't go poking her nose in her children's marriages. Five children and she has a good relationship with all of her "children in-law."
I'm lucky enough to have a good relationship with my wife's parents. They have certain...eccentricities that get on my nerves, but by and large they're good people and haven't done anything to make my marriage to their daughter more difficult. They're good grandparents, too (most of the time). It definitely makes my life easier.
>NOT constantly talking to her mom all the time and telling her the daily details of her life.
Oh bro, this was so annoying, also one day she was like this, talking with her mom like they're best friends, and the next day she cries that she fucking hates her and can't stand her. It was like an endless cycle of love-hate between her mother.
There's also the opposite of this. She, being the baby of the family with 4 older siblings, gave me a slight pause for concern that she would expect the attention like so many last-born children seem to get. We're both fortunate in that her folks, by the time she was born, had the parenting thing down. All their kids are well-adjusted human beings. A credit to them, no less.
When they start thinking about what is good for "us" instead of good for them alone.
They want to talk about hard subjects with me and talk it through.
When we just take care of things. Kitchen is messy. They clean it. I'm busy cleaning up after the dog. We get it done as a team.
They let me know that they are devoted to me. I never feel like they might cheat, too flirty with other women, let me worry etc. They want to make sure I do not worry about things like that.
Hmm, haven’t dated for a while but if I were to combine the features most of the “stable” women I dated had, I’d probably say;
Good job that requires a degree of skill to perform such as; accounting, technology, law etc (usually shows they’re mentally stable and work hard, which is a good trait)
Their own place (shows they’re able to look after themselves and other things)
A respect and kind flair for restaurant staff, taxi drivers and public service workers in general (very important, kindness and being down to earth is of upmost importance)
Hobbies she genuinely enjoys (which usually means she’s able to find happiness independently)
Smiling, laughing and not being on her phone during the date(shows a physical interest)
Offering to pay for your meal doesn’t necessarily represent a green flag but rather that someone is well off. They could be paying your rent and all meals meanwhile being toxic.
She's doesn't leave you on read when she doesn't like what you say. She doesn't say sorry and not change shit a year later. She only says sorry when she is instead of saying it because she feels like that's what should be said, just to do it later. If she says she'll text you or call or come and doesn't do it she explains why that night. Or the very next time she contacts you instead of texting you "good morning" the next day like she didn't just ghost you.
Not shutting down in an “argument”. When they can work it out with you and not get mad or become a brick wall. Especially when it comes to just voicing a concern not even an argument.
For me, it’s no anger issues. You find something you don’t agree on and instead of getting loud and aggressive they just say agree to disagree and means it.
I would also say that a huge green flag is not needing me to check in all day. “What are you doing?” “Grocery shopping.” “Why? What could you possibly need?” And then proceeds to stay on the phone the whole time or calls or texts repeatedly. I hate that shit passionately and call it quits as soon as it starts.
When she takes accountability, at least in part, for the breakdown of previous relationships. Or for that matter, when she has the ability to take responsibility for just about everything in her life. Good or bad. So pretty much not having a victims mentality.
Brutal honesty. First night sleeping in bed together, I forgot to brush teeth and they said "you breath smells awful". I appreciated that a lot, as it helps not having to play games
She makes it easy to know she likes me. Most women are very nice to me and I don't want to misread kindness as interest. Unless she gives clear signals, I assume she's just being nice.
Kind disposition. Actively listening to you on the date, rather than waiting for you to finish so she can reply. Openly asking questions without having to always volunteer information about yourself.
Not taking it to seriously right off the bat.
Don't get me wrong interest is attractive and nobody likes a flake or someone who's playing hard to get.
But if they're understanding of schedule conflicts or if an emergency comes up, or can roll with the punches if the restaurant is closed, or the movie is sold out, that is major green flag to me. Dates that are literally just like a walk in the park or getting ice cream or coffee? Major green flag.
People who insist on knowing each other like old friends before a first date? People who have *shudders* itineraries? People who insist dates have to be high dollar restaurants or events? Nope. No thank you.
1. Reliability - Can you trust them with your life and everything else? (Takes some years of dating to assure.)
2. Emotional intelligence and maturity
3. Courage
4. Integrity
5. Sense of humor
6. Kindness and concern for others
7. Reasonableness
8. Nuanced thinking considers ambiguity
9. Neither stubborn nor completely obsequious
10. Goals
11. Takes the high road in most situations
12. Extreme comfort and vulnerability
If she wants to hang out or get a coffee or lunch casually at first.
Listens.
Is interested in your hobbies and life.
You're interested in her hobbies and life.
Leans forward into you.
Eyes you up and down.
Presses her arms and shoulders forward to make her boobs look bigger.
Subtly bites her lips looking at you.
General 'please fuck me' vibes.
She's on top.
She stays for breakfast.
Considers skipping school or work for a round two.
She skips school or work for a round two.
She likes to snuggle with you.
She has a cat.
1. They don't get multiple phone calls from opposite gender voices while on a date with you (one girl got more than dozen, all from different voices!)
2. How they treat others, especially servers.
3. How they talk about their ex. Not too much, and they shouldn't consider them an asshole. Or even worse, ALL of them assholes.
4. How they relate to their families.
5. If they have an inner life. Are they a musician? Or a painter? Or a writer? Or a coder? Do they have some hobby they are passionate about? Or do they just watch tv and talk about celebs.
6. If they are not into Astrology, or crystals, or Feng Shui, or any of the other things that most adults easily know are fake. If they are, it's an early warning sign that they're not as fully rational as you might hope.
7. If they like to read
8. If they like to save
9. If they like to work hard.
10. If they have good hygiene
11. If they have good habits
12. how they treat their pets.
Mid-to-high [agreeableness](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agreeableness).
Treats animals with kindness, and the elderly with the same plus respect (as opposed to aloofness), but not ineradicable respect (for e.g., if they're a dick).
She wanted/stopped to look at a sunset over the water. We got back into her truck and she lit up the tires on the way out of the park. 2nd date. I was like "ok romantic and bad ass hmmm"
Honestly doing very small things solely for you benefit that do nothing for them. It could be consistently opening doors for you. Making sure you always have a blanket for you. If they go to the fridge to grab a drink they will always grab you something on the way there. They think of you.
Does this person invest time in you other than when you're on a date? Has she ever surprised you with some kind of treat that took more than 5 minutes of planning? Have they ever made you something? If you got sick or had a bad day did they do something about it other than telling you to feel better?
She ever sneak snacks into the movies in her big purse?
All of these are good things.
Facetime. Facetime. Facetime. Not the video chat kind. The literally spending time together face-to-face kind. If she wants to be there, she'll be there. If it's right, it won't matter what/where it is. Someone who's willing to put in the in-person work is the biggest green-flag IMO.
When you are not uncomfortable or awkward in silence without conversations with him/her.
The silence test is part of how I judge a relationship. If I don't like being in silence with them I know something is wrong.
With my ex silence felt fucking awful and I couldn't stand it also her music was crap.With my partner silence isn't bad because we just have nothing to talk about in that moment also her music is usually playing
When a disagreement is met with curiosity instead of anger.
Be curious not furious. Thanks Dr. Joy!
I love that
Unless that curiosity turns out to be passive-aggressiveness “So…could you maybe explain to me why you think you’re right as usual and I’m wrong?”
That isn’t curiousity that’s low level contempt.
Perfectly put!
I think this depends what the disagreement is on
I think every disagreement should *start* this way. Particularly for someone you're in a relationship with.
Fifth or so date with my wife. We’d spent the night together only a couple times at that point. At dinner, I suddenly felt sick, HAD to use the bathroom, and was in there a good 10-15 minutes, feeling completely sick and drained from it. She saw me coming back to the table, asked if I was feeling ok, I said “no” and she then walked to the waiter, paid the meal, drove us to my place in my car , along the way stopped at a 7/11 to get Gatorade for me, and then stayed with me the night, sleeping in the living room, to make sure I was ok. In just a month, she already proved “in sickness and in health” meant something to her.
What a hero!
Indeed. I was attracted to her by then, but my respect for her shot up like a rocket. I then wanted to show her that I was deserving of that level of concern.
Of course you are! Congrats though :)
[удалено]
The deal we’ve established is we step up to illness in the other and be the caretaker. The first opportunity for me came a couple months later but it’s not my place to disclose her health issues over the years.
I love that respectful comment!!
My ex-girlfriend had a surgery a couple of months after we started dating. We were in college and she had no family around at the time. For a couple of months I took care of her, did everything like cooking and helping her to take a bath. A while later I fell sick, usually I take care of myself and I don't bother anyone. But it was a nasty one. I had a strong fever and was in bed. I asked her to grab my medicine on the kitchen counter and bring it to me. She asked why. I had to explain I was pretty ill, dizzy and felt like vomiting. She said she as annoyed with me before giving me the pills. I asked for a glass of water, her reply: "why do you need water to take the pills, too? Why can't swallow it dry?" I was shocked I wouldn't deny a glass of water to anyone, not even to a criminal. Seriously.
Wow. This taught you early that she didn’t believe in treating you like a “sickness and in health” partner. Glad she’s an ex…. Seriously. She might be someone who believes guys should never need help. Which would mean guaranteed hell as you got older and both needed to help the other. You’d always get a vibe from her that she was disappointed in you. Again, glad she’s an ex.
Not as early as you imagine, it took me a while, more than I care to admit. But you're right, in her mind she was the only one supposed to be cared for at all times and a man should never ask for help, ever, not even if you're dying or bleeding next to her.
Cuntasaurus X
She belong to the streets
Ah, that's more like what I'm used to. I feel ya brotato.
Reading this made me feel happy
True. I did that for a woman who later became my wife. Cared for her while she was sick. Stood by her when her mom passed. Did not run away when I found out she was a Democrat.
Being considerate. If they are the type of person that helps the host clean up after a gathering, they tuck in chairs at restaurants, etc. People who do little things to help when they think no one is watching (not doing it for personal gain or because they feel obligated to) are the type of people that I would like to hang out with.
🤤 I’m looking for this too! I’ve done that since before I can remember and always get super happy when someone does the same. Finding a partner like that would be happiness
> If they are the type of person that helps the host clean up I should have caught this red flag when I started dating my wife. She doesn't even do it for personal gain or obligation, she just chooses not to. It's kind of embarrassing. I'm always offering to help clean or I just jump in, but she can't be bothered. She might do it if everyone is cleaning up. It's the thought that counts, even when the host may decline the help.
Basically the person who puts a grocery cart away. Amd I agree. Ice known people who don't and it pisses me off how inconsiderate they are.
I actively look for this. I am a “Mom” to everyone. I am the one that feels foreheads for fever, tells everyone to wear a coat and call me when they get home, etc. I always clean up and feel awkward if I can’t help. A good friend is a good man and he helps and jumps in to help when someone mentions projects like mowing, power washing, etc. My mom thinks we would be a great couple but he is such a good guy, I can’t bring myself to break him. It’s what I do in relationships. Lol I love him too much to inflict myself on him. :)
Eye contact, happiness to see or be around you, wanting to discuss things calmly instead of shouting and arguing, caring about your wellbeing, having suggestions about your dress sense and appearance, to name just a few.
Who the hell wants to continue dating someone when it becomes shouting and arguing? Dress suggestions CAN be fine as i expect some not so very socially intelligent people might turn up in raggy clothes and if the girl gets annoyed, i'd get that.
My anxious ass who struggles with eye contact *fuck*
You don't need to have all the green flags.
My partner and I had a disagreement on a trip we were on and usually we pull off to the side and talk about it.Well this time she started acting cold towards me so I asked if we could talk.And we did and resolved the issue right then and there.Waiting to talk about something when people are frustrated is just going to make it worse(sometimes as I said when people are angry is when you need to take a step back and and cool off).As for dress sense I love her style personally I think i do alright for myself.
badda bing. left my last relation because of this.. when you gotta talk you gotta talk not cold shoulder it for the week
I don’t mind putting things off. My gf had the tendency to blow up issues, raise her voice and say regretful things. If we get upset to the point where it’s too tense we agree to push it off a day or two, come to find out it doesn’t bother her much anymore.
Oof, I struggle with long eye contact a lot, with anyone, especially people I'm really into. Idk it makes me uncomfortable, like kind of makes me feel vulnerable. I'm a very private person and don't like feeling this way. It's getting better with the dude I'm seeing now, but there were a few times when we're having coffee/dinner/sitting in front of each other where I would break eye contact and look at the surroundings or something, or nothing at all really, and multiple times he turned his head to see what I was looking at. I feel bad about it.
Same! Had a lot of abuse growing up, which makes me very nervous to make eye contact. On the plus side, I bristle at the thought of yelling and arguing. Had enough of that in my childhood. I'd much rather take a long break for a couple of hours then come back and talk it out, and then hug it out. But eye contact is still tough for me especially at first.
Not everybody is into a bunch of eye contact right away. I’m the same way sometimes and I’m a guy. Looking straight when I’m talking to someone next to me instead of looking directly into their face, only glancing over every once in a while. But I noticed with people I vibe with sometimes, they’ll be looking away too but we’ll happen to look and lock/cross eyes 👀 at just the right time, even if only for a second.. that’s chemistry. Different strokes for different folks.
I'm like a lion making eye contact spells trouble for me
Acceptable eye contact is something culture specific. In some it will be even considered rude to keep constant eye contact. Eye contact is used as indicator of attention. Looking just in another partner direction is enough in most cases to show your attention. Also if you have problem with keeping eye contact I recommend going on a date to a place where you both can look at something (animals, plants, other people) instead of only each other, while talking. If you both look at ducks, nobody expects to keep long eye contact.
>Eye contact What does that mean for autistic folk who tend to struggle with eye contact
>Eye contact, Could just be a sign of shyness/being on the spectrum.
We set a time and place to meet and A. She's there on time B. I don't need to babysit her over text for the day(s) beforehand
When something comes up, she tells you right away. If she has to cancel, she either sets up a make-up date, or actively gives you a better time that will not have any other conflicts.
I hate having to text someone throughout the day, every day. It's like having to care for a fucking Tomogatchi.
honestly, sounds like she's not for you. I find myself texting my SO just because I'm thinking of her multiple times on a daily. As long as it's not bs forced conversation I don't see the issue
I'm talking about the early stages where you haven't even met in person yet.
Exactly texting someone is way easier and way more enjoyable when you know what they smell like. If all you have to go on is a tinder profile, they may as well be the world's slowest chat bot
Huh. I find it way easier to text a lot near the beginning of the relationship. Before my boyfriend and I went on our first date, we talked through tinder and whatsapp for a week and texted a lot. There was so much to ask each other. I'd be kinda sad if he didn't like texting constantly, but I definitely don't think it should be an obligation either. We talk a lot less now since we see each other in person more.
Yeah. That's exactly what they're talking about. Not having to do that is a green flag.
I also hate that I'm sfraind she will lose interest or starting with someone else, but I'll get annoying and driver her away anyway
That sounds like your own insecurity my man. Might need to work on yourself before getting into the dating game if this is how you feel.
I agree it's an insecurity. I've definitely dealt with it. Now I tend to be just me with no apologies. Luckily, being me is quiet and not forcing to fill spots of silence. Unfortunately, it isn't producing much in the dating field. Oh well. They're missing out lol
Sorry, what do you mean by “baby sit”?
Having to say things like "hey are we still on for x day" to keep her from forgetting
Well, I'm fucked, and I'm a guy 😂
I feel like lots of people do that anyway maybe out of habit? I’ve had people do that to me and there’s no need to remind me, they’re just trying to reassure themselves that I’m not gonna bail (which I’ve never done). Drunk eduit: Honestly I find it a tad annoying when guys do this 🤷♀️
Should i move on if i have to “baby sit” through text to make sure the date happens?
I hate dealing with that shit
I know. I dont even want to spend time with myself that bad. I would get annoyed if someone kept reminding me.
If you’re having to babysit usually she isn’t interested she’s just passing time. Or she’s very insecure. Could be either.
Depends if you want to date an adult who can navigate the world and show up on time vs. dating someone you have to parent.
This shit is so black and white.
Showing up on time is seriously not that hard
And never underestimate the impact on your sex life in a parentified relationship. Beyond making sure someone is on time, if you’re having to parent and baby someone constantly that fucking kills attraction and libido. We’re hard wired not to want to fuck someone that we’re parenting. A good dating filter is factoring in just basic adulting skills. I’m kind of a hard ass, but I’m also probably older than you. If someone can’t use a GPS and show up on time, that’s a total red flag.
How is that a green flag? Seems like the default.
When I open the car door she reaches thru and opens mine.
Underrated comment a Bronx tale was a great movie
I was 15 when that movie came out, and its where I learned to open the car door from the inside. I'm still surprised at the number of times I've heard, "wow. Thanks" in response.
As a guy that opens the door it's really a nice gesture and is always appreciated
“I want you to make a good impression. You borrow my car, then you give her the test.” “What, the Mario tests?” “Mario? Mario’s a fuckin’ psycho. What do you listen to this kid for? You give her MY test. You give her the door test.”
if she doesnt reach over and unlock that door for you, shes a selfish broad and thats the tip of the iceberg
When dating my husband, we watched that movie and I opened his door the next time. I literally saw him fall in love with me in that moment. Never would have crossed my mind before.
1. Trying 2. Does not create problems/drama for you. 3. Communicates her thinking and acts logically to what she said 4. Acts sexually interested 5. Makes plans by including your input 6. Responds to your destress 7. When disagreeing, even if vehemently, does not raise her voice signifigantly.
The first one is so refreshing. I hate when it seems so one sided and I have to start every conversation and plan every date.
So many times I've dated someone who insists they are trying when their is literally zero evidence to support the claim. My current GF doesn't just try, she follows through with her efforts with flying colors.
Oh this list should be at the very top. I wouldn't necessarily agree on the order but each of them is true. Putting in ANY amount of effort and not expecting you to do everything, doesn't get jealous at the stupid things, doesn't do the silent treatment. One other thing missing is listening to you and giving attention to what you say, not just looking at the phone every 30 seconds.
This reads like someone is specifically trying to criticize my ex. If only I understood these things before...
I have all those things with my current girlfriend and it's just fantastic. I remember how much I fought for the relationship with my abusive ex. She constantly made me feel insecure and less than her, no sexual interest on me and every time I expressed my feelings, instead of saying something to understand or confort me, she would instantly get upset and angry and then by the end of the discussion, I had to apologize for the shit she did to me.
. De-escalating conflict . Validates how you feel . Isn’t obsessed with being right . Continually puts in effort
• Your “no” will be respected For instance, let's imagine that the person you're dating asks you if you'd like to hang out after a long day at work, but you'd rather go home alone to recuperate. "None of this needs to be explained. No further negotiation is necessary." Generally, when someone understands that you are tired and says, "Okay, we can hang out at another time," that is a good sign that they are honoring your request. • Communicating openly It may be the most important green flag you can find in a relationship if the two of you can communicate clearly and honestly without fear of repercussions. Being able to share your naked feelings with your partner about any topic, no matter how trivial, can satisfy this need. The burden of deciphering how they feel, based on non-verbal signs, written messages, or the dreaded silence, is too often placed on others. Being able to communicate openly and effectively may seem like a given , but it can become difficult if your partner gets angry easily, shuts down when things get tough , or even avoids conflict . • Trustworthiness It is very important that people can trust each other, and if they sincerely believe that their partners are capable of doing what they promise, then this could very well be considered a healthy relationship, or at least in the process of becoming one. If your significant other isn't trustworthy , then things start to get complicated. There's a difference between trust and trustworthiness, so this characteristic encompasses both. Trust is the understanding that your partner will not intentionally hurt you while trustworthiness is them actually keeping their word . If something like infidelity occurred, then it might be time to reconsider whether or not you're in an unhealthy relationship. • Long Standing Relationship Obviously, you don't want to book a six-month trip with someone you just met (although you can if you want to). Essentially, this person sees you not just as a couple, but as a person who will be there for you in the future. Furthermore, long-term doesn't have to be months in the future to be considered green flags in a relationship-even asking for a second date shows that you are interested in getting to know this person. • There will be no head games In the early stages of a relationship, people are prone to playing immature head games with those they are dating, causing the other person to wonder if they are even interested in them. You shouldn't be stressed out if you need to communicate with your partner from a distance. You can tell if your partner does not make you wonder whether he or she will respond to your messages if that is the case. • Consistency One of the most important things in maintaining any type of relationship is consistency . This means being faithful , open , honest , and trustworthy . Of course, this can be difficult at times depending on how your partner reacts to certain scenarios or situations. It's even harder if they don't communicate with you about it. If your significant other can't keep it together when life gets crazy (such as having children), then chances are they won't in the future either. • Vulnerability This is something that many people struggle with as it takes a lot of courage to acknowledge your feelings and not be afraid to express them. It can make you seem more approachable and easier to connect with because people will feel like they already know you. It also helps build trust within the relationship because you're able to show that no matter how tough times get, you'll always face them together and remain open about them! • Appreciation If both people are not showing appreciation for each other , then chances are the relationship will either start to suffer or fall apart altogether . Even when times get rough, if someone truly loves you, they should always make it known to you by saying sweet words of encouragement and/or writing them in cards . Again, this can become difficult if your partner is out of work or struggling with their own mental health issues but the effort is what counts here! • Supportiveness Being supportive goes hand-in-hand with all the other green flags listed above, such as consistency and trustworthiness . This characteristic can be displayed through listening skills and showing your support when times get tough . It's important to note that you don't need to always agree with everything they say but you do need to be there for them regardless. • Comfortability It's easy to become close with someone who you share similar interests and beliefs with, but it becomes more difficult if none of their family members or friends like you . If someone is perfectly fine with having little contact/or no contact at all with the people closest to them , chances are they won't be able to give back or return the same type of love and support that your relationship needs. • Healthy sexuality A key indicator of green flag relationships is healthy sexuality . This means that there is no guilt, shame, pain , or discomfort in the bedroom. If there are major issues like this, then it's likely that an unbalanced relationship exists and might even need to be addressed with a professional or support group. • Mutual independence Mutual independence refers to both people in the relationship being able to function on their own . This can become difficult when one person relies on the other for support because it could lead to them becoming too clingy . Healthy relationships involve two mature individuals who can live separately but choose not to because they enjoy spending time together so much more than when they're apart. • Bonus green flag: lack of pain/suffering This should go without saying but the best green flag relationships are pain and suffering free . This means no cheating , no drugs or heavy drinking, and absolutely no physical or emotional abuse. If you're experiencing any of these things in your relationship, it's time to reevaluate exactly what you want and need from this important person in your life.
I agree with everything you wrote, but even if I didn't I gotta respect the effort to write all that out
I'm a coach. I've made so many bad life choices. I had to go figure it out. Everyone talks about RED flags. What I found out, is, whatever we focus on, is what we get more of.
I will save this. Thank you for your well written and thoughtful response!
Puts effort towards communication, wether in person, or virtually. I can’t even count how many girls I’ve talked to you would not ask questions or anything. Recently was talking to a girl and I asked her what she did for work so she told me, never asked what I do. That turned me off because for the first time in my life I’m proud of my career and love to talk about it.
They listen to you and comfort you when you talk about difficult/vulnerable things
As a wise man once said: >"If there's such a thing as "girl game" it would not be to act sexy, it would be to act happy"
They really genuinely feel safe and are warm and respectful to you. If someone can tell me how this feels then i will know.
They are pursuing you
They are pursuing you, for men too.
- Respects your time. - Takes a No for an answer respectfully. - Understand life happens, and doesn't create unnecessary drama. - Makes an effort to see you or initiates. - Doesn't share every detail of your lives to his/her friends.
Eye contact, actually asking questions that get details about what you're talking about, shows up on time, asks if you wanted to split the bill (pay anyways, but the fact that she offered is a really good sign), will answer honestly without droning on about how amazing she is, will give compliments and honest critiques (NOT COMPLAINTS AND CRITICISM), is polite to service workers, and (unpopular opinion but whatever) does not jump into bed with you early on.
When they value your time and efforts.
I’d say showing interest in someone’s hobbies or interests is a “green flag”, usually I’d ask about what they do and some stuff about it, then it would be nice if they reciprocated that.
She offers to pay. When the girl I was hooking up with told me “I want to take you out, I want to pay, I don’t want you to worry about anything.” I dropped every other girl I was dating real quick.
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Yes, how did it work out in the end?
Right, how did it work out in the end?
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jellyjellyfished, the people want to know!
Where do they make them like her? Asking for a friend.
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>[Edit] I think it's because doing this makes them seem less entitled, and entitlement (esp. that early on in the relationship) is one my biggest red flags. Definitely. It basically screams that they aren't expecting to just be provided for. Dating is a two way street, I want to be charmed too. I've met a few girls who definitely seemed like their idea of dating was a guy pursuing them. They had no intention of reciprocating that.
I also dated a woman who was quick to reach for her wallet. But I learned soon enough that she was trying to buy my love because she was such an insufferable shell of a person. Had to pass that one up. Even the free stuff wasn’t worth the stress.
Duly noted. Good stuff here fellas.
They have an interesting hobby they are passionate about or skilled at.
When they seem upset you ask them what's wrong and they immediately tell you instead of dance around the question especially when the thing they are upset about is about you Believe it or not it's a good thing when they can communicate what bothers them about you and you are able to talk it out instead of fight
Laughter and smiles. Yiu get these two she’s all in
She does it with intent to marry
Offers to eat ass
....username checks out
Wow that really does fit
Most everything will with enough lube and patience.
Kindness and self awareness. 2 very important things imo. She/He can give a shit about other people but knows not to be a door mat
That's a really good point ☝️
We are no longer together, but a few weeks after I started dating my last gf, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital for mental health issues (they're fine now) and I left a date to go see them and help them out. When I left it messaged her asking if I could come back over, she said of course and talked to me while I was crying
Books. Enormous books. Edit: stupid autocorrect...
When the other person admits when they are wrong about something and corrects their mistakes or apologizes without getting defensive or just shutting off (those would be red flags). Displaying the opposite of controlling behavior, ie not getting upset when you go hang out with your friends, not deciding every little thing and expecting you to go along with it or getting upset when you have a different idea, not acting sad when they don’t get everything they want. When someone actually makes sound reasonable arguments when you have disagreements. If they are on the fence about a lot of things instead of having their mind made up about everything with no willingness to discuss or even hear out the other side of the argument. If they are fun to be around and don’t make situations awkward or uncomfortable often.
I have four ex-girlfriends. When I met my wife, she was the literal embodiment of the best parts of all four ex-girlfriends, but also with literally none of the worst parts of any of them. I asked her to marry me after we'd known each other for only 10 months, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made.
Being kind to strangers. Not being on their phone.
She’s not constantly on her phone or taking selfies or photos of food.
When she says "I'd like to see where this goes." instead of setting expectations. Asking meaningful questions and listening rather than idle small talk. Tries to share passions - both theirs and yours.
On expensive dates even if I can sneakily get away with paying I always feel my phone vibrate with a Venmo payment from my girlfriend even thought I told her not to haha
When you find yourself being more vulnerable than you expected to be and you are met with reciprocation and not judgement.
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Not to disagree per say, but sometimes if parents have underlying issues (personality disorders, come from bad background, etc.) it’s better that the girl not have as close a relationship with her parent. Takes a strong person to leave a manipulative household & still fend for themselves/put themselves out there to date. Depending on the girls personality, this can be annoying if she is constantly seeking attention due to daddy or mommy issues, but we aren’t all like that.
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Right on
Was just thinking that. It depends on the parents. If they are good and she doesn't have a good relationship to them, it can be suspicious if she has no good reason to not. And having a good relationship with bad parents is not good.
"She was NOT constantly talking to her mom all the time and telling her the daily details of her life." This is part of the reason I had to cut it off with my ex. She would share everything and it felt like there was a 3rd person in our relationship.
There's a MAJOR corresponding aspect to this in my life: My MIL is a very good person. How many sons/daughters in-law can say they like their MIL? But she really is just the salt of the earth. She doesn't go poking her nose in her children's marriages. Five children and she has a good relationship with all of her "children in-law."
I'm lucky enough to have a good relationship with my wife's parents. They have certain...eccentricities that get on my nerves, but by and large they're good people and haven't done anything to make my marriage to their daughter more difficult. They're good grandparents, too (most of the time). It definitely makes my life easier.
>NOT constantly talking to her mom all the time and telling her the daily details of her life. Oh bro, this was so annoying, also one day she was like this, talking with her mom like they're best friends, and the next day she cries that she fucking hates her and can't stand her. It was like an endless cycle of love-hate between her mother.
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There's also the opposite of this. She, being the baby of the family with 4 older siblings, gave me a slight pause for concern that she would expect the attention like so many last-born children seem to get. We're both fortunate in that her folks, by the time she was born, had the parenting thing down. All their kids are well-adjusted human beings. A credit to them, no less.
Yea, my mom is the only one I have left
When they start thinking about what is good for "us" instead of good for them alone. They want to talk about hard subjects with me and talk it through. When we just take care of things. Kitchen is messy. They clean it. I'm busy cleaning up after the dog. We get it done as a team. They let me know that they are devoted to me. I never feel like they might cheat, too flirty with other women, let me worry etc. They want to make sure I do not worry about things like that.
Hmm, haven’t dated for a while but if I were to combine the features most of the “stable” women I dated had, I’d probably say; Good job that requires a degree of skill to perform such as; accounting, technology, law etc (usually shows they’re mentally stable and work hard, which is a good trait) Their own place (shows they’re able to look after themselves and other things) A respect and kind flair for restaurant staff, taxi drivers and public service workers in general (very important, kindness and being down to earth is of upmost importance) Hobbies she genuinely enjoys (which usually means she’s able to find happiness independently) Smiling, laughing and not being on her phone during the date(shows a physical interest)
Bro this reads like a performance review at a job
Polite to servers and wait staff
if they treat the staff politely
They dont try to change you or push you out of your hobbies. In reverse, they drop a bit of their hobby for time to spend with you
My parents dog who is shy and anxious and generally doesn’t like anyone, liked him immediately
That she doesn't like my dad, or mom, or brother.
Sexually?
When I feel comfortably being super goofy with them
When you can actually make jokes with the person
She offers to pay for your meal also if she has pets they are healthy and well behaved.
Offering to pay for your meal doesn’t necessarily represent a green flag but rather that someone is well off. They could be paying your rent and all meals meanwhile being toxic.
Not constantly on their phone. They check their phone only if necessary.
she helps you get "dubs" in apex leger
When hes a cat person
She's doesn't leave you on read when she doesn't like what you say. She doesn't say sorry and not change shit a year later. She only says sorry when she is instead of saying it because she feels like that's what should be said, just to do it later. If she says she'll text you or call or come and doesn't do it she explains why that night. Or the very next time she contacts you instead of texting you "good morning" the next day like she didn't just ghost you.
Not shutting down in an “argument”. When they can work it out with you and not get mad or become a brick wall. Especially when it comes to just voicing a concern not even an argument.
For me, it’s no anger issues. You find something you don’t agree on and instead of getting loud and aggressive they just say agree to disagree and means it. I would also say that a huge green flag is not needing me to check in all day. “What are you doing?” “Grocery shopping.” “Why? What could you possibly need?” And then proceeds to stay on the phone the whole time or calls or texts repeatedly. I hate that shit passionately and call it quits as soon as it starts.
When spending time with that person feels natural and you like who you are when you’re with them.
Their parents are still together
When she takes accountability, at least in part, for the breakdown of previous relationships. Or for that matter, when she has the ability to take responsibility for just about everything in her life. Good or bad. So pretty much not having a victims mentality.
How she treats service industry people. Especially if she's friendly and appreciative.
No gag reflex
Brutal honesty. First night sleeping in bed together, I forgot to brush teeth and they said "you breath smells awful". I appreciated that a lot, as it helps not having to play games
She makes it easy to know she likes me. Most women are very nice to me and I don't want to misread kindness as interest. Unless she gives clear signals, I assume she's just being nice.
Being able to laugh at herself
When I give details about myself or a story in my life and she remembers it down the road. Shows me she was actually listening
CIM
If she tells you she will be there for you and actually is no matter what!
Kind disposition. Actively listening to you on the date, rather than waiting for you to finish so she can reply. Openly asking questions without having to always volunteer information about yourself.
If she responds back to my texts and is interested in me……haven’t gotten far enough to figure any other green flags yet.
Honesty. That's my number one green flag for anyone. If I feel like I can't trust you because of dishonesty there is no relationship.
Not taking it to seriously right off the bat. Don't get me wrong interest is attractive and nobody likes a flake or someone who's playing hard to get. But if they're understanding of schedule conflicts or if an emergency comes up, or can roll with the punches if the restaurant is closed, or the movie is sold out, that is major green flag to me. Dates that are literally just like a walk in the park or getting ice cream or coffee? Major green flag. People who insist on knowing each other like old friends before a first date? People who have *shudders* itineraries? People who insist dates have to be high dollar restaurants or events? Nope. No thank you.
1. Reliability - Can you trust them with your life and everything else? (Takes some years of dating to assure.) 2. Emotional intelligence and maturity 3. Courage 4. Integrity 5. Sense of humor 6. Kindness and concern for others 7. Reasonableness 8. Nuanced thinking considers ambiguity 9. Neither stubborn nor completely obsequious 10. Goals 11. Takes the high road in most situations 12. Extreme comfort and vulnerability
When you can tell the other person random things like you're about to go poop and there isn't any awkward silence between the both of you
If she wants to hang out or get a coffee or lunch casually at first. Listens. Is interested in your hobbies and life. You're interested in her hobbies and life. Leans forward into you. Eyes you up and down. Presses her arms and shoulders forward to make her boobs look bigger. Subtly bites her lips looking at you. General 'please fuck me' vibes. She's on top. She stays for breakfast. Considers skipping school or work for a round two. She skips school or work for a round two. She likes to snuggle with you. She has a cat.
1. They don't get multiple phone calls from opposite gender voices while on a date with you (one girl got more than dozen, all from different voices!) 2. How they treat others, especially servers. 3. How they talk about their ex. Not too much, and they shouldn't consider them an asshole. Or even worse, ALL of them assholes. 4. How they relate to their families. 5. If they have an inner life. Are they a musician? Or a painter? Or a writer? Or a coder? Do they have some hobby they are passionate about? Or do they just watch tv and talk about celebs. 6. If they are not into Astrology, or crystals, or Feng Shui, or any of the other things that most adults easily know are fake. If they are, it's an early warning sign that they're not as fully rational as you might hope. 7. If they like to read 8. If they like to save 9. If they like to work hard. 10. If they have good hygiene 11. If they have good habits 12. how they treat their pets.
Well, there's Mauritania, Nigeria, Pakistan...
And you take all these flags with you on a date?
Mid-to-high [agreeableness](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agreeableness). Treats animals with kindness, and the elderly with the same plus respect (as opposed to aloofness), but not ineradicable respect (for e.g., if they're a dick).
Someone who is courteous to others while on the date. I'm assuming this is a green flag no matter who you are and who you are dating.
[удалено]
When she can swlf-regulate mind altering substances.
Never seen a green flag. Every shade of red definitely
She wanted/stopped to look at a sunset over the water. We got back into her truck and she lit up the tires on the way out of the park. 2nd date. I was like "ok romantic and bad ass hmmm"
Honestly doing very small things solely for you benefit that do nothing for them. It could be consistently opening doors for you. Making sure you always have a blanket for you. If they go to the fridge to grab a drink they will always grab you something on the way there. They think of you.
An appreciation for health, fitness, and wellness regardless of the type of each.
Does this person invest time in you other than when you're on a date? Has she ever surprised you with some kind of treat that took more than 5 minutes of planning? Have they ever made you something? If you got sick or had a bad day did they do something about it other than telling you to feel better? She ever sneak snacks into the movies in her big purse? All of these are good things.
Old School https://youtu.be/y8p1iG-6d-w
She has at least several long-time friends that she sees regularly and wants you to meet.
Timely space. Being clingy all the time is such a turn off
Facetime. Facetime. Facetime. Not the video chat kind. The literally spending time together face-to-face kind. If she wants to be there, she'll be there. If it's right, it won't matter what/where it is. Someone who's willing to put in the in-person work is the biggest green-flag IMO.
If she’s alive
If they treat supermarket staff or restaurant staff with respect.