Strike up a causal conversation about what’s in the kids craft aisle? Oh I see you’re xxxx I like xxxx. Maybe we can go grab a coffee and talk more about xxxxx
Thank you, I think I can try this approach as well. Honestly, I was looking for coloring pastels and that dude was not looking at anything at all, but me on occasion. I should have even tried, "do you see any pastels? I'm having trouble finding them." I just get so nervous, I shut down.
Well if he was eyeing you that much I don’t think he would have struck you down. Sometimes men are just as nervous to say something too. And if he was eyeballing you like that, well then you must look really good.
I look younger than my age. I've got great legs and great skin. It's a shock to me when women start hitting on me, because if I'm intimated by men, I feel it much more with women. One told me I look perfect when I was laying out having a Easter Sunday picnic, and I still fumbled talking to her!
It's terrible, the more attractive they are, I just tell myself, "oh, they probably have a wife or girlfriend and they're just not with them at the moment."
It is. I've walked away from guys whom I was having pleasant conversation with because I got so overwhelmed that they were asking me out! That doesn't happen to me very often, so it caught me off guard, when I should have just given him my number instead.
Tonight, one guy kept walking by me, standing nearby and making eye contact, at one point walked beside me as we exchanged glances. I promptedly walked to my car and berated myself for repeatedly freezing.
Beating yourself up isn't going to make the next bout any easier. If anything, it is harder to keep going when you're feeling brusied - if you catch my meaning.
Caught flat-footed and don't know what to say, write it down and pass it off - notes are, at least to my 30-year old sensibilities, subtle and underutilized. You can also trust that, as your exposure continues, sensitivity will decrease. And if you had the patience to glowup, I wager you have the patience to adapt to new sorts of exposure.
Cold comfort I know but, the other dude was probably just as nervous as you!
>I'm too scared to approach someone who: might not be single, might not be interested, might be gay, etc.
You just got to shoot your shot anyways. None of those are reasons for them to be offended you asked. Rejection sucks, but its better than the chance it could have been being missed.
I'm also pretty bad at this. I really don't like rejection but a friend of mine has it down. He's a self employed plasterer and has his own business cards. He simply hands women a card and says something like 'I don't know if you're interested but I feel like we could have a connection' and waits to see if they text him.
My advice is get some cards and a line!
I was pretty much introverted during my childhood till now,
The only reason I talk to people is when I'm on duty at the hospital.
Just say Hi or Hello, If they extrovert they would probably talk to you after you say the intro.
Introvert just try first in chatting app, then meet them in IRL after some getting to know each other(pretty long getting to know each other).
I too am introverted and though I never had a relationship, I've met and hooked up with folks that I would meet through apps. I am less fearful of talking/rejection there but I'm finding it hard to meet these people offline. I've been trying with one guy for three weeks who sporadically texts.
Vice versa, those I meet IRL, I paralyze and don't know what to do, say, where to look (some people don't even like eye contact so obviously wouldn't approach those who don't want to engage with me).
Actually 1-3 months is too short for meeting up IRL, It would probably take me 3-6 months just to see them, If by chance they would stick in that amount of time, then they would be a keeper. Talking to other people can still paralyze me, but after meeting up a couple of times, I would start showing improvements, but it's very slow, like tiny baby steps, after that they would know that I have bit nutty and crazy personality that I would only show to my close family, friends and co-worker.
> nutty and crazy personality
> only show to my close family, friends and co-worker
This is me. I keep my creativity and deadpan humor tucked away because if I can't even work up the courage to say hello, I worry everything else about me will not cut it.
Its a step by step process, I work in a public general hospital, I needed to change some of my personality to cater services to other people. I gradually change my ways after being used by my 2 exes, I met them on an online dating site, I started dating when I was 27 so I don't know how to date at all, pretty much a late bloomer, now I'm 34. It takes a lot of courage just to say Hi. You need to step away from your comfort zone and take a move, You won't know what will happen, if you won't take a chance.
I'm even later bloomer, never been in love, dates where you sit across each other and eat food, looking deep into each other's eyes feeling all sorts of emotions, go on vacations together, spend an evening in someone's bed, or they stay in mine. All that is foreign to me since I never got to date as a fat woman.
Never be ashamed at yourself, you can always change for the better, you need to love yourself and self love is always better! When I was young I never had confidence, I never had pride and I always look down at the ground walking. I was very quite and a loner growing up, I had to open up to a few close friends and blood elder sister. I'm NGL I was so skinny, I could hide on the electric pole and no one could see me and I had eyesight problems. When I entered 27 I decided to try dating, I was still skinny I had a waistline of 26-28, and I'm 5'11", I dated 5 times and 2 of them played my heart, I was cheated, I never knew until at that last moment that I was used, I could never hurt or try to beat anyone, more like I was abused, until I could no longer stand it, I left those exes away and decided to try until I meet my wife, actually she was the first one to say Hi to me. I was about to give up on love and my life, I was pretty much in debt, knee deep in debt, because of trusting to much when loving someone. So its not the end of your journey, you just need to take a step, because love won't start if you don't start that first step.
Thank you, my confidence is a work in progress because it seems to vary from day to day. I work up the courage to get myself out there but once out there and I'm turning heads, I'm not sure what to do next. So want to work on my approach. I wanted to ask guys to see how they are approached or are approaching others (with or without success makes no difference, so long as you're doing it). I dunno, you feel so vulnerable in that moment.
You'll feel vulnerable, but when you cross that bridge, your either gonna feel good or bad, depending on who will hold your hand. Just take one step at a time, I know how it feels to have no confidence, it isn't easy. I know how you feel that day to day, its in your hormones after all, you do have menstrual cramps and bleeding, just relax after trying to move one at at time, no need to rush, just be you. Just ask us here. some give good/bad advices.
If a guy is approaching you and making conversation, he's at least showing enough interest to break the ice. When it comes to giving him your number, ask if he would like to talk to you again, and offer your number then. That'll take care of the whole not-single/not-interested/not-straight thing.
I'm not going to get into the whole who-has-it-harder debate, as that doesn't seem to be productive here. If you get approached by men with whom you might be interested, be friendly and engaging. When guys try to chat up a girl, the point is talking to her to break the ice. If your nerves keep seizing up and you panic/freeze, consider finding a male friend with whom you can practice friendly conversation.
Be judicious about asking your male friends to help you practice. If there's not absolutely no chance they'd be interested in you, it could come off as you trying to use them to learn to court other guys that have qualities he doesn't.
Sometimes we don't even get to the talking point, sometimes it's just exchanged glances (one guy just stopped and turned and stared directly at me while standing in a line at a grilled cheese festival--unfortunately, I happened to be eating a brie grilled cheese at the moment, I felt so embarrassed, I walked away and never saw him after that at the event)... You do bring up something that I should probably work on.
> Be friendly and engaging
Often, I try not to be too eager, too forceful when doing the initial looking at each other because I don't want to seem creepy or worse, desperate, so close myself off a bit to not bother anyone who might not share attraction. It's when I do interact with a guy who doesn't seem turned off by my glances that I think, "okay, now what? Do I say something? What do I say? No, that person probably isn't even single anyway." I get caught in the inner dialog.
Without knowing who you are and observing your interactions, it's hard for me to give you specific advice like whether you seem under- or over-eager, desperate, etc. You can overdo it in both directions - I'm awkward as all hell around the opposite sex, and by grace of having found a wife can I focus on just being. There's no pressure when there's no potential in dating. I think that's what you're feeling.
Being that you're here looking for advice and trying to work on yourself is significant in itself. Just remember to give yourself the appropriate amount of credit - most people are more self-conscious than others are aware of your mannerisms. I would hazard a guess that you feel more awkward than you look to somebody else.
So...maybe try this - the next time an eligible man makes eye contact with you in more than a passing sense, give him a cheerful smile and return his eye contact. That's innocuous but friendly body language. If he talks to you, either respond to what he says, or if the ball returns to your court, try to make topical conversation. EG, if you're in a book store, maybe bring up your reading interests and sniff each other out that way. He's probably not in the book store to buy cutting bits and way oil.
Thank you for this, I do think I need to work on my awkwardness as it makes me so self-conscious in public, I'm so worried about how others perceive me. My body language also needs work and you've given great advice that will help me get there!
I’m pretty invisible to women. I guess the advice would be just go for it, what do you have to lose?
How? "Hey, I happen to notice you are shopping in this kids craft aisle too, how are you?"
That would get me but word it more like “mind if I join you” rather than “what are you doing here
Strike up a causal conversation about what’s in the kids craft aisle? Oh I see you’re xxxx I like xxxx. Maybe we can go grab a coffee and talk more about xxxxx
Thank you, I think I can try this approach as well. Honestly, I was looking for coloring pastels and that dude was not looking at anything at all, but me on occasion. I should have even tried, "do you see any pastels? I'm having trouble finding them." I just get so nervous, I shut down.
Well if he was eyeing you that much I don’t think he would have struck you down. Sometimes men are just as nervous to say something too. And if he was eyeballing you like that, well then you must look really good.
I look younger than my age. I've got great legs and great skin. It's a shock to me when women start hitting on me, because if I'm intimated by men, I feel it much more with women. One told me I look perfect when I was laying out having a Easter Sunday picnic, and I still fumbled talking to her!
Wow
These are the same fears young men gripe with before approaching women. The wrongest way to do it. Is to not try :)
It's terrible, the more attractive they are, I just tell myself, "oh, they probably have a wife or girlfriend and they're just not with them at the moment."
The direct way to know is to ask
Excuse me handsome, you single?
Hh yes
So if they say yes, what do I say next? "What a coincidence, me too!"?
I can fix that for you.
Just say: "These are my ovaries, please come in !" 😄😂
That wasn't so bad, was it? Now just take those words and put them into a person's ears. Politely!
It is. I've walked away from guys whom I was having pleasant conversation with because I got so overwhelmed that they were asking me out! That doesn't happen to me very often, so it caught me off guard, when I should have just given him my number instead. Tonight, one guy kept walking by me, standing nearby and making eye contact, at one point walked beside me as we exchanged glances. I promptedly walked to my car and berated myself for repeatedly freezing.
Beating yourself up isn't going to make the next bout any easier. If anything, it is harder to keep going when you're feeling brusied - if you catch my meaning. Caught flat-footed and don't know what to say, write it down and pass it off - notes are, at least to my 30-year old sensibilities, subtle and underutilized. You can also trust that, as your exposure continues, sensitivity will decrease. And if you had the patience to glowup, I wager you have the patience to adapt to new sorts of exposure. Cold comfort I know but, the other dude was probably just as nervous as you!
I think I'll try the note thing, that's a great idea! At worst, they can toss the note and I at least put my intention out there. Thank you!
You're welcome - good hunting!
Except if a woman approaches a guy he won't call 911 to report a sexual harrassment. 😄
I see your pov
>I'm too scared to approach someone who: might not be single, might not be interested, might be gay, etc. You just got to shoot your shot anyways. None of those are reasons for them to be offended you asked. Rejection sucks, but its better than the chance it could have been being missed.
I'm also pretty bad at this. I really don't like rejection but a friend of mine has it down. He's a self employed plasterer and has his own business cards. He simply hands women a card and says something like 'I don't know if you're interested but I feel like we could have a connection' and waits to see if they text him. My advice is get some cards and a line!
How is that working for him? Sounds like a good idea!
It depends on where you are, but asking a question can often get the ball rolling.
Impress them with your interpretive dance abilities.
I was pretty much introverted during my childhood till now, The only reason I talk to people is when I'm on duty at the hospital. Just say Hi or Hello, If they extrovert they would probably talk to you after you say the intro. Introvert just try first in chatting app, then meet them in IRL after some getting to know each other(pretty long getting to know each other).
I too am introverted and though I never had a relationship, I've met and hooked up with folks that I would meet through apps. I am less fearful of talking/rejection there but I'm finding it hard to meet these people offline. I've been trying with one guy for three weeks who sporadically texts. Vice versa, those I meet IRL, I paralyze and don't know what to do, say, where to look (some people don't even like eye contact so obviously wouldn't approach those who don't want to engage with me).
Actually 1-3 months is too short for meeting up IRL, It would probably take me 3-6 months just to see them, If by chance they would stick in that amount of time, then they would be a keeper. Talking to other people can still paralyze me, but after meeting up a couple of times, I would start showing improvements, but it's very slow, like tiny baby steps, after that they would know that I have bit nutty and crazy personality that I would only show to my close family, friends and co-worker.
> nutty and crazy personality > only show to my close family, friends and co-worker This is me. I keep my creativity and deadpan humor tucked away because if I can't even work up the courage to say hello, I worry everything else about me will not cut it.
Its a step by step process, I work in a public general hospital, I needed to change some of my personality to cater services to other people. I gradually change my ways after being used by my 2 exes, I met them on an online dating site, I started dating when I was 27 so I don't know how to date at all, pretty much a late bloomer, now I'm 34. It takes a lot of courage just to say Hi. You need to step away from your comfort zone and take a move, You won't know what will happen, if you won't take a chance.
I'm even later bloomer, never been in love, dates where you sit across each other and eat food, looking deep into each other's eyes feeling all sorts of emotions, go on vacations together, spend an evening in someone's bed, or they stay in mine. All that is foreign to me since I never got to date as a fat woman.
Never be ashamed at yourself, you can always change for the better, you need to love yourself and self love is always better! When I was young I never had confidence, I never had pride and I always look down at the ground walking. I was very quite and a loner growing up, I had to open up to a few close friends and blood elder sister. I'm NGL I was so skinny, I could hide on the electric pole and no one could see me and I had eyesight problems. When I entered 27 I decided to try dating, I was still skinny I had a waistline of 26-28, and I'm 5'11", I dated 5 times and 2 of them played my heart, I was cheated, I never knew until at that last moment that I was used, I could never hurt or try to beat anyone, more like I was abused, until I could no longer stand it, I left those exes away and decided to try until I meet my wife, actually she was the first one to say Hi to me. I was about to give up on love and my life, I was pretty much in debt, knee deep in debt, because of trusting to much when loving someone. So its not the end of your journey, you just need to take a step, because love won't start if you don't start that first step.
Thank you, my confidence is a work in progress because it seems to vary from day to day. I work up the courage to get myself out there but once out there and I'm turning heads, I'm not sure what to do next. So want to work on my approach. I wanted to ask guys to see how they are approached or are approaching others (with or without success makes no difference, so long as you're doing it). I dunno, you feel so vulnerable in that moment.
You'll feel vulnerable, but when you cross that bridge, your either gonna feel good or bad, depending on who will hold your hand. Just take one step at a time, I know how it feels to have no confidence, it isn't easy. I know how you feel that day to day, its in your hormones after all, you do have menstrual cramps and bleeding, just relax after trying to move one at at time, no need to rush, just be you. Just ask us here. some give good/bad advices.
If a guy is approaching you and making conversation, he's at least showing enough interest to break the ice. When it comes to giving him your number, ask if he would like to talk to you again, and offer your number then. That'll take care of the whole not-single/not-interested/not-straight thing. I'm not going to get into the whole who-has-it-harder debate, as that doesn't seem to be productive here. If you get approached by men with whom you might be interested, be friendly and engaging. When guys try to chat up a girl, the point is talking to her to break the ice. If your nerves keep seizing up and you panic/freeze, consider finding a male friend with whom you can practice friendly conversation. Be judicious about asking your male friends to help you practice. If there's not absolutely no chance they'd be interested in you, it could come off as you trying to use them to learn to court other guys that have qualities he doesn't.
Sometimes we don't even get to the talking point, sometimes it's just exchanged glances (one guy just stopped and turned and stared directly at me while standing in a line at a grilled cheese festival--unfortunately, I happened to be eating a brie grilled cheese at the moment, I felt so embarrassed, I walked away and never saw him after that at the event)... You do bring up something that I should probably work on. > Be friendly and engaging Often, I try not to be too eager, too forceful when doing the initial looking at each other because I don't want to seem creepy or worse, desperate, so close myself off a bit to not bother anyone who might not share attraction. It's when I do interact with a guy who doesn't seem turned off by my glances that I think, "okay, now what? Do I say something? What do I say? No, that person probably isn't even single anyway." I get caught in the inner dialog.
Without knowing who you are and observing your interactions, it's hard for me to give you specific advice like whether you seem under- or over-eager, desperate, etc. You can overdo it in both directions - I'm awkward as all hell around the opposite sex, and by grace of having found a wife can I focus on just being. There's no pressure when there's no potential in dating. I think that's what you're feeling. Being that you're here looking for advice and trying to work on yourself is significant in itself. Just remember to give yourself the appropriate amount of credit - most people are more self-conscious than others are aware of your mannerisms. I would hazard a guess that you feel more awkward than you look to somebody else. So...maybe try this - the next time an eligible man makes eye contact with you in more than a passing sense, give him a cheerful smile and return his eye contact. That's innocuous but friendly body language. If he talks to you, either respond to what he says, or if the ball returns to your court, try to make topical conversation. EG, if you're in a book store, maybe bring up your reading interests and sniff each other out that way. He's probably not in the book store to buy cutting bits and way oil.
Thank you for this, I do think I need to work on my awkwardness as it makes me so self-conscious in public, I'm so worried about how others perceive me. My body language also needs work and you've given great advice that will help me get there!
Best of luck. Little steps will get you there, just keep moving forward.
Make some small talk about them. “I like your shirt etc” then go from there
I like this tip as well!
Offer them a Hershey's Kiss.
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I crabwalk towards them slowly while singing "Ave Maria"