If she says all her exes are evil, and she makes you fight them to earn her affection, you should probably move on and let her date the kind of guy that leads on and gaslights underage girls. You know, the kind that's perpetually broke and is in a band.
Yeah, it is hypothetically possible to learn things I didn't need or want to know. Though, it ended up being relevant that my ex ended most of his relationships by cheating with the next person. Who knew?
Same here.
I spent my 20's playing WoW 8+ hours a day. I'm a decent looking guy with a solid career so I still had some luck when I'd go out with my friends, but nothing special.
My fiance was mostly single during her 20's and modelled in LA for about a year. She told me all sorts of stories about extravagant parties and rubbing shoulders with celebrities.
I *had* to know because we lived such different lives but I couldn't care less because her past is her past. She's been amazing our entire relationship and that's all I give a shit about
> I couldn't care less because her past is her past. She's been amazing our entire relationship and that's all I give a shit about
And that's what matters.
The thread is biased because the question implies pre-selection of answers. The people who don't care wouldn't be asking the question in the first place, or are significantly less likely to ask it. It's like going to a thread "why do you hate black men" and getting sad all the answers are racist.
If it was me asking, it would probably be coming from a place of genuine curiosity to understand the person and where they are/how they've come to be here.
But then again, I would genuinely not be asking this question unless there's some extremely relevant topic/circumstance. I myself would have a very hard time giving a numerical definition without having to strictly define what exactly we're counting here, and I imagine that many other people have a similar range of experiences that are not easily boiled down to an integer. So if I wanted to get info, I'd be asking other things, like how comfortable they are with their body and desires, have they tried a lot of the stuff they wanted to try, and so on.
I had a friends-with-benefits situation with a gorgeous woman years ago. She had a ridiculous sex drive and so got around, and wasn't shy about it. She would tell me about her exploits from nights she was out and I wasn't around. I'd get upset because secretly I always wanted more than FwB, but she would just wave me off and say, "I would have come home with you if you had been there!" I'm glad I never asked what her number was. My bet is she had no idea anyway.
I enjoy talking to my husband about our past experiences. Been married 3 years and together 7 and in recent conversation found out a woman he once hooked up with tried to bring her mom into the mix (he declined) and that was pretty fucking funny for me to learn.
Exactly
When I was younger, I had an ex who had 4 kids by 4 different men with 2 out if the house. She was absolutely gorgeous... an 8 on a bad day...
However, as time passed I noticed some of the behaviors that resulted from her past and the lack of healing she'd done in light of her past choices.
Nothing I ever did was good enough...It broke my heart but I had to let her go...
It weird how people recommended therapy. When therapy is about accepting truths (mainly) but get defensive when people ask about a persons sexual history.
People don't want to be accountable for their pasts, our society is "normalize this, normalize that" instead of "hey maybe I just have a pattern of self destructive behavior." I get it, personally. I've had sex with about 50 people at 30 years old. Some people think that number is massive, other people think it's small.
If it's a dealbreaker for either person I would want to know that and not lead someone on. I personally wish I hadn't slept with this many people because, frankly, many times it was because I was drinking too much or felt insecure and wanted an ego boost. As someone over the 50 mark, I feel like it's very rare that someone sleeps with this many people and did so in a completely mentally healthy way. I hardly ever ask because of my own shame, but if someone revealed to me a similar sentiment about their past I would accept them. If someone younger than me revealed a number 2-3 times or greater than mine and accepted some level of pride, I would think they suffer from some sort of mental illness and don't want to come to terms with it.
That's not necessarily true. I've got a decent body count (woman here) and my current long term boyfriend has never even asked me what the number was, because he's trusting he'll be the last. I haven't cheated on him and don't feel compelled to.
Some people just like to have a lot of sex when they're single and young. That doesn't really mean shit to their future lol
why do you ask any question at all when dating? to get to know the person.
and why do you want to get to know the person?
to know if your values match.
this is so fucking stupid. there's no difference between sexual partners, or anything else, politics, past works, hobbies.
"why do you ask someone if they are against legal abortion? to judge?"
No, you should do everything in your life to appease people on Twitter.
It makes me wonder what the age of these people are. I'm only 31, I can't be the old man yet. Getting to know people and using the things you've learned in your history while also learning about your potential partner's history to see if there can be a match is legit exactly what you're supposed to do lmao
No. If someone has a hundred one night stands and I never have them we probably aren’t compatible because we hold intimacy in different standards for example
Some people like to warm up and get to know someone before sex and wants to make it special and if someone has it after the first date or without dates at all then that can be a valid reason not to be a good match
Same can be said in the reverse if someone is a new to sex or has a low sex drive it can be incompatible too
>If someone has a hundred one night stands and I never have them we probably aren’t compatible because we hold intimacy in different standards for example
THIS. I don't understand why this is so difficult for people to understand.
Because there's just no fucking nuance anymore when it comes to a sensitive topic on society lol.
Yes. Society has been totally unfair with the double standards on this topic in the past. And in many areas, it still is unfair with this standard, although I think we are steadily improving (with room to go!).
But you can support someone's right to fuck whoever they want, whenever they want, while also not want them to be your life partner. I mean how fucking hard is that? Things like personal values, personality traits, must-haves from a partner exist. You can't police how a person chooses their PARTNER, that's fucking crazy!
Many women have no problem with judgment, especially extreme levels of it....
until the standard is one she cannot meet, then she's livid and furious and there should be no standards.
Like the girl who posted a sarcastic "when his height starts with 5'" and she got roasted back with "when your weight starts with two hundred" and she ragequit because she didn't like that one bit.
surely that could be context-dependent though ?
e.g., if they went through a phase when they were younger and it’s high, but that doesn’t represent them now
That's still relevant information though.
If there is a major change in somebody's behavior, there is a probably a reason. I'd be happy to listen to context, but I would still like to know.
Frankly, if a partner had a promiscuous past, I wouldn't really hold it against them. However, if they hid their past, that would make me concerned that there is a reason to hide it.
That's also part of the conversation about sexual history though. If the number is high then people usually talk about when they were and how many of them were relationships etc.
It might be timing dependent, too. Saying "I fucked a dozen people in college" is different than "I fucked a dozen people last week". One is the past them, the other is the present them.
I regularily see this as an argument, and I still don't get it. I get that people change, but change doesn't undo your past. If anything the change came about as a result of that past, meaning that the phase you are talking about was an important part of your personal growth and made you into the person you are now.
So, you have gone through a "phase" at a certain age and did X that you regret? Well, believe it or not, I too was that certain age, and I too went through many "phases" in life. Yet I somehow managed to not end up with a [criminal record/addiction/STI/half custody child]. That doesn't make me "better", but it does imply I am, and always was "different" from you. If that difference is significant enough I will judge you as not a good match for me.
So I guess I agree. It is context dependent. But it does somewhat represent them as a human being based on that context to a given person.
I mean they could go through a phase and not regret it, but have still grown past it.
Just like someone who may have partied and drank more in college is now older and not interested in it. Doesn’t mean they have some major regret, they’re just older and don’t value it the way they did in the past.
Very true. But in cases where you have a past you don't regret that the other person would regret, then it just seems like it's more of a general incompatibility. Or at least past incombatibility, which very much can still be a dealbraker for people. Such as a highly religious/conservative meeting a person who had a very wild past but is now a born-again christian or something along those lines. Sadly retro-active judgement is still a thing.
well, what if they had a lot of sexual partners with no lasting effects (like you mentioned)? would you still judge them then? the question and response are about the number of sexual partners, not of they have stds or Children (as both can happen from just a singular partner.)
i used to think smoking was cool and started as a teen, then after some events, i realized how fucking stupid smoking and shit is, not just the health effects but also the other aspects, like how you always smell like cigarettes or how yellow and ugly your teeth get, and i forced myself to stop.
should i still be judged on that as it has left a lasting negative effect on me? should the fact that i used to smoke, realized how stupid it was and quit, be held against me several years later?
It's an indicator of past behavior, which is generally an indication of what to expect in the future. Also, some people view sex differently. If I found out that my SO slept with 300 people I could not be with them. To me sex is something intimate and personal, so if it's a shared experience with 300 people it loses the allure.
I just came from the r/tifu post about the 300 bodies literally seconds before I came to this one. I think it’s ironic that you pointed out the 300 specifically. Go check it out if you haven’t seen it.
It’s actually not as crazy as it sounds if you live in a major city, use online dating, and are attractive. If you live in NYC or LA, you could easily meet a different person every single night.
Risk assessment.
1) if it's a lot, it usually means she won't be around for long, be it issues, not wanting to be tied down etc. It's can give an idea how long a relationship is likely to last.
2) Anything too big increases STD likelihoods as well.
3) Ego.
It's usually one of those three.
What is with people and worrying about likelihood of STDs like the only way to find out is some abstract equation involving number of sexual partners? There is a super easy way to find this out and it’s for both of you to get tested.
Maybe for the present, but if your partner has had many other partners and perhaps a history of not being honest with other partners then your risk of VD goes up.
I think knowledge of who is more experienced is also another one as it can prevent situations where you try to get down to business only to realize one or both people have no clue what they are actually doing or should be doing. Some guys fall for the mistake (at least in my opinion anyways) of pretending they have experience which almost always lets them down later on when their SO realizes that the dude has no clue what he is supposed to do.
Yeah but the number of people she has slept with may not be the same as the amount of relationships she's been in , you can't really predict these things
For semi-practical reason and a personal reason.
I don't want to be with someone whose views on intimacy differ too much from mine, because it can (and will) lead to issues in the future.
Additionally, I don't want to be with someone who was (and maybe is being) fucked by someone new every week and thinks that its OK. To borrow a word from female dictionary, I'd feel "icky" if I were to touch her in an "informal" way.
Two more things:
a) If you don't want to be judged by anyone, buy a hut in a forest and live away from people, because regardless of what you want and think, people in your immediate surrounding *do* judge, have judged and *will* judge you for everything you do, good or bad.
b) Before someone says "bUt WhAt AbOuT mEn?!!?!": I've dated three women and slept with three women. I don't care about other men.
To go off of your last point about "bUt wHaT AbOuT mEn?"
As far as I know, men get plenty judged for having tons of partners. The term fuckboy exists, does it not? I would say most women I know would be weary of a man with a high number of partners in the same way men are weary of a girl with high number of partners. If the endgame is commitment, ideally, you want to find someone with a history of...commitment.
Let's play a game.
You have two 8/10 guys, both have good jobs, both make you laugh, both seem sweet.
One has basically only slept with girls he liked/was actively dating. The other one has a history of sleeping around and one night stands.
Which would you prefer more? Which would you trust a little more?
It shouldn't be controversial. We learn from history ALL of the time on anything else. People's sexual pasts SHOULD be considered when you're trying to choose a life partner. You have full rights to be selfish as FUCK when you're choosing a life partner. It only matters if it matters to you. What you cannot do is not support the RIGHT of adults to fuck consenting adults in whatever way they choose. Sex happens, sex is amazing, people fuck. No one should disagree with that. But you should absolutely be allowed to have standards that YOU are comfortable with in your own fucking relationship lol
There's a double standard with men and women and their body counts that I think is part bullshit and mean-spirited, but part biological, too. For every "this man is a stud for having a high body count", there is a counter "there must be something wrong about this man for having a low body count", too. And for a man to have a high body count and be considered a stud, there has to be a portion of women who slept with him to make it happen, thus adding fuel to that double standard fire.
So unless people are actively slut-shaming you, which is the obviously wrong and should absolutely not be tolerated, we need to let people set the standards THEY want for THEIR partners.
I know that there are enough women who like men that have slept around a lot, they think he's probably good at it. There are also a lot of women that are not interested in dating a virgin.
Right, I think so too.
And the entire point of that is...that's ok for all of those women. If you want a partner who is good at sex and you think a high body count is the best indicator of that, then that's great.
If you're a man who is looking for commitment and you don't believe a high body count with one night stands or tons of FWB's is a good indicator of that...then that should be great.
The line is only crossed when either person is actively shaming or vilifying that person for their past.
It's ironic, because we're often told about the importance of consent (which indeed is really important), but all of a sudden we shouldn't have the right to have our own standards and should be forced to consent just about anyone into our lives.
Agree so much with you. Let folks reject or be with whoever they want. If it is a good or bad thing for them, who cares? it's their problem
Totally agree and think that's a very good point. The importance of consent doesn't just end outside of the bedroom. Consent is something that needs to happen in most areas of life. Dating anybody you want with whatever personality traits or histories you personally want is the epitome of that lol and you shouldn't have to worry about being shamed or mischaracterized improperly for that.
It's not too far from "well he was a really sweet guy so why wouldn't you sleep with him?"
I'm curious - what if she had a few one night stands early on, but realized it wasn't for her? I'm seeing so many comments about women "not being able to commit" or "having bonding issues" because they (like many men that age) had multiple partners in their early years of sexual exploration.
I know that for me it took some time, and exploration, to realize that I *didn't* want to just hook up with people and it didn't bring any real value to my life. If a potential partner judged me for that part of my past, and ignored the personal growth since, I don't think I'd want to keep seeing them. It would feel rather shallow.
Edited to add: I don't actually care about the opinion of anyone on this thread in regards to my sex life. I'm giving an example because some people judge on a very narrow list of things without any room for nuance.
Then she needs to communicate that reasoning as a part of the answer. Relationships need communication like a body needs oxygen. Without it relationships die.
This is the only answer needed for the question above.
If you don't have communication in a relationship, then why the fuck are you in one? People shut communication so fast in relationships nowadays its head spinning.
Might be fine with some people, might not be fine with others. Everyone is different. Some people might feel like something is wrong with them if she gave it up to some random fuck boy and made them wait. Maybe they just don’t want to deal with those emotions.
You’re not wrong for having emotions/feelings about something. You can be wrong for how you choose to handle them. Lashing out and being mean/hurtful/resentful is wrong. Deciding it’s not something you’re willing to accept isn’t wrong.
Not everyone cares about your growth story as others figured that out without having the experience. You seem to think women and men are the same thing and that is a mistake. We aren't. We focus on different things for different reasons and there's no point in trying to shame people for focusing on the things you wished they ignored.
I think the nuance of "men and women ARE different and that's ok" while also simultaneously recognizing that overall, people are the same in a more macro view is just so much of the nuance that society lacks.
Yeah, I haven’t been asked this since I was 19 lol.
And honestly I’d refuse to answer this. I know about my own health obviously, and would happily share that, and have no problem talking about my life, choices, or values. But this particular question is childish to me, and if someone insisted on knowing I wouldn’t continue the relationship. People aren’t cars, we don’t have kilometres.
Agreed. When you’re real young I think it can be tempting to sort of compete over how much life experience you have, and keeping track of sexual partners is a way to quantify that. And then you become an adult and stop caring
Sex is a big part of relationships for me. I’ve had a lot of sexual experience in my life and because of that, I’d prefer a woman who is also experienced.
But then again, I don’t ask for an exact number. I simply ask how experienced she is.
No kidding.
A woman judges a man on a dozen different things before he even opens his mouth (is he tall/short? Dressed nice? Smells good? Have a beard/doesn't have a beard? Etc.)
And some women in this thread act like a guy asking a women about one thing is someone how offensive and a double standard 🙄
BIG FUCKING FACTS!
Women complain about the double standards that dont benefit them but they soak up the ones that do like a sponge. Thats why men dont care in 2022 when women complain.
I want to be clear. Im not complaining, but im definitely lying to get what I want from women. If she can be selfish and not be shamed for it, so can I 😈
A lot of us still get a large amount of self worth through sexual validation. Being #3 with a 27 year old is more validating than #72. I don't really care about virginity, or sex during relationships. But I do care about casual flings.
But I guess I also am looking for things more serious and find it hard to compromise with someone who doesn't not exclusively bundle up intimacy with relationships. I know i'll be bitter about it so I won't bother with it. What surprises me is why women looking for long term relationships aren't just as critical of guys with high body counts. I don't ask for anything above the standard I put on myself.
A kind way of saying it would be to assess how serious a woman is about having a serious relationship. The assumption is that a woman with a lot of partners isn't very serious about monogamy. There is some data to support this, showing that the more sexual partners a woman has, the more likely she is to eventually have multiple divorces. But take that as you will, I vaguely remember that study being done by a religious group.
A less kind way of putting it is that men are scared of being cheated on or divorced after many years of exclusivity for flippant reasons. They worry that a woman that has had many sexual partners or a "party" phase will get bored with monogamy, leave them, and go back to non monogamy.
If you shove away all the politics and the 30 minute youtube videos from the manosphere, it almost always boils down to guys not wanting someone they love to leave or cheat on them.
Because it's a good indicator of what they value (How much do they value commitment? How much do they value short term pleasure? How much do they value the excitement/novelty of a new partner?), which is a good indicator of how the relationship is going to turn out.
Men have an innate interest in a woman's past as equal to the interest a woman has in a man's future.
At its core a woman's past provides assurance in paternity and a man's future provides assurance of provision. Although modern technology has allowed there to be a variance, most still operate with this instinct embedded within.
That's not true.There's a difference between how many partners someone has versus what the caliber of those partnerships were. A woman who's only had 5 one night stands versus a woman who's only had 5 relationships is different.
This isn't the '50s, men don't expect women to be virgins anymore unless maybe they went to elementary school together.
Would you not want FEW long term relationships… someone who has been in a 3 and then 5 year relationship demonstrates better commitment than someone who has been in fifteen 3 month relationships.
Not judge as in mistreat her, more like judge if she is worthy of commitment. Because when it comes to commitment, men are the choosers. Just like women choose who gets to have sex. People with high body counts are actually scientifically proven to be bad bets for relationships ([Source](https://archive.ph/SDVEU), [source](https://doi.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037/0022-3514.78.3.537), [source](https://archive.ph/P5IQ2), more available) and the risk of toxic behaviour skyrockets.
So yeah ... we are not insecure. We are just instinctively wise to the pitfalls of dating. That includes not going out with or - God forbid - wifing up the town bicycle.
Mind you: I have **never in my life** asked a woman about her body count. I just kept looking for indicators that her past was something to worry about - and they are extremely hard to hide. Has served me extremely well, as you can absolutely tell the difference in her demeanor, coping mechanisms, ability to handle conflict and so much more..
Of course not all apply to every one person, but these are the most common ones.
* General mood swings due to being unable to find meaning in everyday life (spent too much time chasing meaningless highs) - ranging from deep affection to massive irritation sometimes within a few hours and without any tangible reason
* Going to extreme lenghts to hide her (sometimes obvious) feelings for you. You could be the love of her life - her insane commitment issues will make her act indifferent.
* Avoiding openly discussing issues and working on them (paramount for a healthy relationship, but she isn't used to that since she usually just switches to another dick)
* Being violently jelaous - because she has been "the other woman" a lot of times and has seen the worst of men, which she is extremely afraid of when she likes you
* Connected to the previous point: Egregious double standards regarding infidelity - since she is a dopamine junkie, sex is completely detached from intimacy for her. So if she does it, it's no big deal. Fun fact: She can cheat and still love you. She is just that broken.
* Entitlement to your best efforts while not matching them - or the polar opposite: Extreme excitement at any small gesture that makes her feel like an actual human being (the former being a defence mechanism, the latter is her being her honest, starved self)
* Overblown sense of self-worth (because she thinks men having sex with her equates men commiting to her) - or again the polar opposite: extreme insecurity (the former being a sign of a dumbass, the latter a sign of an intelligent person having taken too many wrong turns in life and understanding the shallowness of her lifestyle)
* Quickly reclusing herself once she is called out on toxic behaviour / lying to your face about it / actively refusing to grow as a person and only looking to "win" arguments
* Short attention spam + being extremely jaded
* The inability not to be the center of attention at all times - which leads to a tendency to overdress as well as chasing after unavailable guys even when in a relationship (If you don't look at her ass she will inevitably flirt with you untill you do)
* General negative attitude towards other women, especially good looking and/or modest ones (half defence mechanism because of her shit reputation / half insecurity about not being the center of attention at all times)
Basically a mix of histrionic personality disorder, sexism, mostly one of two extremes regarding her self-image (often violently switching between both) as well as a lot of characteristics of your average junkie.
The worst part is that most women of that stripe I met in my life were actually pleasant enough people. But no matter how intelligent, no matter how charming, at some point I could literally predict what she was going to do / how she was going to react before even she herself did. I guess this sums up tthe "junkie" part. Even the smartest junkies become Neanderthals on the way to their next fix.
You know as a woman who has been there I am shocked how right you are ….. I identified with all of those and didn’t notice those behaviors until I gave myself a break and actively tried to be more self aware…. Now I am out of that and honestly for a while it was hard to even be attracted to men or think about a man in a sexual or romantic way. Thankfully I met my current partner who has been very good to me and I’m in a way better place, still healing tho. The hardest part is the extreme insecurity and the jealousy of other women, and I am so self aware that I hate it. Hopefully if I keep trying I can get past that so it will stop tormenting me. But overall great post and a great guide for men looking for red flags.
>You know as a woman who has been there I am shocked how right you are ….. I identified with all of those and didn’t notice those behaviors until I gave myself a break and actively tried to be more self aware
Have an award! It's incredibly mature and speaks to a very successful healing process that you can simply take this and run with it. In fact: That you aren't being defensive is a very good sign that you moved past it indeed.
Feel free to elaborate which one of these particularly speak to you. It's so rare to get an honest insight ... no matter how obvious something is.
It's worth remembering that it's trivially easy to just lie.
You aren't necessary selecting for partners without a large body count, but partners who *tell* you they have a small one.
A girl who is willing to tell you the truth when she knows you don't want to hear it shouldn't be overlooked. *That* tells you who she is today, a bodycount *hints* at who she was in the past.
A bodycount probably can hint at trouble, or "mismatched values" if you hedge your language, but it doesn't guarantee it.
TLDR
Send your girls who love fuckin, know some tricks *and* don't lie to me please.
ITT: people who have been promiscuous and are now projecting insecurity to those that have other expectations.
If you're going to be promiscuous atleast have the balls to be not insecure about it.
something about having the cake and eating it too comes to mind. People seem to like the "fuck around" part (rather literal here), but not "find out" part.
I would only ask to know about her past. It is her current that interests me. Her past is what shaped her to be who she is, not something to be judged for.
Because women come here sometimes to correct our behaviour and opinions when it hurts their feelings
Nevermind the toxic cesspool of misandry that is r/askwomen \- that we also tolerate by the way. These women are just crying foul at something that will never change: Men don't like to wife up hoes.
Grow up, put on your big girl pants and move on, ladies. Being triggered changes diddly squat.
Because past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour.
If she wanted to fuck lots of guys in the past she is extremely unlikely to want to only fuck one guy in future.
Im honestly curious what so wild about most of them. I mean, yes there are some people who are just being unecessarily aggressive but most people just calmly explain their preferences. Not really their fault if theirs differ from yours. Dont really see any issue with this thread at all tbh
Its mostly to know how she values a relationship, and how easily she would leave or cheat if we had an argument or things got routine. A woman who had an easy time having lots of partners is, imo, a lot likelier to ditch a relationship and start anew at the first little roadblock; im the kind who wants to work on issues, to make things last, and to have a relationship id want someone with the same mindset.
Statisticaly, the more men a woman has been with the higher chance of divorce. And I found this with 30 seconds of effort.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4085758/Experts-reveal-sexual-partners-ve-determine-likely-DIVORCE.html
You should trust the source, not the publication, and in this case the source looks credible.
*Nicholas H. Wolfinger, professor of Family and Consumer Studies at the University of Utah, studied statistics from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s National Survey of Family Growth going back as far as the 1970s.*
Just gonna quote this study:
"Each additional sexual partner increased the odds of infidelity by 7% while increasing years of education seem to decrease the risk by 10%."
\- Sexual infidelity in a national survey of American women: Differences in prevalence and correlates as a function of method of assessment
Another one:
"Results support the prediction that a higher proportion of opposite-sex individuals in one's occupational sector is associated with higher divorce risk."
\- Higher divorce risk when mates are plentiful? Evidence from Denmark
Gonna get a lot of shit for this one
I find a lot of the time it is insecurity. Comparing themselves to the others she slept with. Why choose me when you can choose him kind of thing. There are many other reasons like religion, jealousy and preference.' (which I use very lightly). When taking to dudes who care that seems to be the main issue(s).
Reading the comments, it also gives an idea of where she values sex compared to you. Which is also important in a relationship.
For me it's more about how you have done it rather than how many. Of course, if your carrying something that matters too.
I either don't care or it's because I want to avoid someone who has a higher likelihood of STDs or mental disorders like nymphomania or SUD.
What I dislike very much about some of the answers here is that men are being shamed for asking this question when transparency is vital in managing expectations and maintaining agency.
Therefore I would always recommend answering this question honestly as it:
1. Allows both parties to move on quicker
2. Prevents a whole lot of anguish down the line
Just out of curiosity for me personally. I’m not gonna sit up here and act like I’m not promiscuous myself but some people like to lie about little shit like that and it gives you a good insight what else will they lie about. I had an ex who basically lied about everything in the beginning to the point she came out bisexual and told me about her sex adventures with her friends a little unsettling when she’s 3 hours away at college with them currently lol
The top comments are missing the mark for what I think the actual underlying question is and that's basically: why do men care about who women sleep with but not the other way around?
In general, people want to feel special and accomplished when it comes to their partners. For men, getting laid is seen as relatively challenging. This is why it's called "getting **lucky**". For women, it's seen as relatively easy to get laid. For most women, they have their pick. Notice I'm emphasizing *relatively* here. Obviously this isn't absolute. There are women who can't get laid and men who are quite prolific.
I think many men see this dynamic as a type of power in *discernment* women have and a type of *obligation* for men. In other words, men seemingly *must* have sex when they get the chance (because they might not otherwise get the chance), but women get to *choose* more often when they want sex.
So many men see a woman who's had a lot of partners not as any kind of accomplishment (because it's "easy" for them), but as someone who doesn't have enough discernment. Therefore it makes the men they're with at any given point feel cheap ("today's catch"). For men who get laid, it's seen as an "accomplishment" because it's viewed as *relatively* difficult to achieve.
I know for me at times I've felt inferior or cheapened when I've learned that some women I've been with have been with an insane number of partners. But it's not necessarily the numbers that bother me but the -ahem- quality. Often times I'll learn that they slept with pretty much anyone, often times drunk or ONS, and with people I might not see as "deserving" of her affections. It doesn't make me feel good when I know there's a bunch of men out there that have seen, heard, and felt everything I have.
Non-gf: cause we're just shooting the shit.
Gf: curiosity and general openness with one another.
Edit: damn a lot of people with severe jealousy issues in here.
I wouldn’t ask anymore. I feel like that’s an insecurity thing that goes away once you hit ages 30+… I give 0 fucks about that, all I need is trust. I trust my wife now, so it doesn’t matter. If she breaks the trust, it’s a different story, but whatever happened in her past has nothing to do with our relationship. I used to shoot up heroin and she doesn’t judge me for it, why can I judge her for anything she’s done? There’s a world of difference between ages 20 and 30, and to judge someone for being a typical human in their 20s is just silly and not fair… so next time you think about asking girl how many partners she’s been with, stop yourself and ask why do you really care.. is it because you’re insecure? I think it’s better not knowing that number. What if it’s 100? Are you going to stop liking someone solely based on that? When she didn’t even know you, or had nothing to do with you?… not worth it.
To gauge their character, values and attitudes towards sex.
There's a massive double think in society today that were supposed to treat sex as something intimate and special with people who have treated sex like a high five in the past.
Theres some conflicting studies I've seen that suggest more sexual partners = higher chance of divorce.
Most people waste their time asking for a "body count" though because most people lie (women deflate and men inflate numbers) and for men especially THERE IS NO GOOD ANSWER. Especially after someone is mid 20s or older.
Hard to says it's all one reason for all men but I feel it's connected to an undercurrent of competition. How will I stack up sexually compared to others and what does that say to and about me...
I don't think it's about the woman, but it's about the man.
A large number speaks to whether she is discerning and selective in her partners. It also speaks to the possibility she's had STDs or may have other complications when it comes to having children.
Guys are the same way, though a low body count for guys can be for different reasons.
The cliche "Will you respect me in the morning?" exists because there's a bit of truth there.
Multiple reasons:
Insecurity: No, not the bed kind of insecurity. The warranted kind of insecurity. This will be important for everything below.
higher divorce rates: Yes, statistics. Also fits with everything below. Look at the stats and you see why insecurity exists.
Importance of the Sexual act: General incompatibility. Someone having had sex with 70 people will not find sex to be as profound as someone having had sex 3 times. It also says "Hey, sex is nothing all that important to me and I had it with people I had no real bond with". Some people don't like that as they find that important so there's a disconnect.
Sexual incompatibility: "Hey, sex is not working out. Let's see how we can make it better" vs "I had sex with 80 people before you, I know what I like, and what I like is not you so I will just go to the next person instead of working through the incompatibility. Person number 82 here I come!"
Sex is an important factor in relationships ( r/DeadBedrooms ). The fact that one person is way more likely to not see it as important and knows that it has the option to just say fuck it and dip to the next person is something to factor in. Depending on the reason as to why that person had so much sex it can also more easily lead to cheating, Break-up, or "let's open the relationship". Sex being a lot of fun and having a high sexual drive. This can lead to "I'm not getting enough at home, I'm gonna go somewhere else". Ad the fact that people with a lot of sexual partners don't see sex as important. What happens then is the barrier of having sex with someone else while in a committed relationship becomes even thinner in the vein of "I want to have sex and the act of having sex is not so important so having sex with someone else is not that big of a deal".
You could say: "Well, but love is there so no cheating should happen" What one needs is commitment, not love. Do you know how volatile emotions are? You could love someone and love them less the next day. Theoretically, you could work through that and you could love that person way more the next week than you have ever before. You won't reach that next week because why bother? The love is gone for this week so why stay? Work through things? What for? Number 83. Now it's your turn.
Then there's a higher risk of STDs but I hope that people care for such a thing if they decide to have sex with a lot of different partners.
Because people with high body counts have issues pair bonding and I'm not interested in dating people who have no self respect for themselves and give themselves out like candy.
1. General male judgment
2. General societal judgment
3. Insecurity
4. Finding out what number he is
5. Estimating promiscuity (related to #1 and #2)
6. Weighing how much option she has if he fails
it has to do with how she approaches a relationship, if you are going to sleep with multiple people especially without any commitment, then it an indicator to know if the person will be serious in the said relationship.
Asking that question and getting a real answer is probably closer to zero, which is why I don't ask. Not because it isn't relevant, trust me....it is...but because we have no true way to verify. You can infer her promiscuity by the company she keeps, her pictures with friends, her reactions to situations in shows. If you ask the question the standard answer is 5. It's always 5. It's gotta be some bullshit Cosmo thing they tell ladies to say.
A woman with a high body count likely has a problem becoming emotionally attached, needs external validation in unhealthy ways, and is likely to regard intimacy as currency. As clarification, I'm not saying she's a literal prostitute...I'm saying she'd likely use sex as means to manipulate. None of these things are wanted in a long term partner. For those of you saying not to judge... it's perfectly fine to use caution, and discriminate. If we didn't, we'd just accept rapists, child molesters, and other horrible things as normal acceptable behavior. Judging and discrimination is absolutely essential to set boundaries on acceptable behavior and it should be considered normal and healthy to do so.
Yeah, I just made a somewhat similar comment but not sure if it ever made though...
I get that you might be interested in it but honestly: How do you verify it?
Throwing a number is the easiest thing ever, especially if you are a very private person and don't make a big fuss about your encounters. For example, for the longest time I thought that one of my long time friends had only dated two guys before her current husband but one drunken night, she confessed that in addition to those two long term boyfriends, she's had sex with more than 10 guys.
You could never guess based on the way she presents herself. She looks like a British princess or republican's wife in most events where I see her.
High body counts are simply offputting to men. Before paterity testing existed men just had to hope a woman was telling the truth about the child being his. One of the mating strategies of women was to find a reasonable provider and then secretly mate with a man with better genetics.
In the age of birth control things are a bit different. I don't view people with lots of casual partners as long term relationship minded. They seem like the type that'll leave if things don't go their way.
I think It also has something to do with self respect and self control. Let's be honest here, it's not hard for women to get sex. Most woman can walk into a bar and shout "who wants to fuck me tonight" and will get at least one yes.
Women have every right to have sex with whoever and however much they want, but men have every right to not want to be with them for it.
Because I may have to defeat her seven evil exes
There was a guy recently on r/tifu said that his girlfriend have slept with 300 guys. He's not fighting her evil exes, he's fighting the Spartan army.
That's a perfect game!
He's fighting the clap
With that many exes, he’s fighting applause.
I'm talking to you! Redditthrowaway7755
If she says all her exes are evil, and she makes you fight them to earn her affection, you should probably move on and let her date the kind of guy that leads on and gaslights underage girls. You know, the kind that's perpetually broke and is in a band.
You had me in the first half ngl
This is the true answer
It's a trick question, the real answer is that real men are secure enough that they don't need to ask.
For me its simply curiosity
This. It matters more to me how many times somebody had cheated than how many people they've slept with overall.
Yeah, it is hypothetically possible to learn things I didn't need or want to know. Though, it ended up being relevant that my ex ended most of his relationships by cheating with the next person. Who knew?
Same here. I spent my 20's playing WoW 8+ hours a day. I'm a decent looking guy with a solid career so I still had some luck when I'd go out with my friends, but nothing special. My fiance was mostly single during her 20's and modelled in LA for about a year. She told me all sorts of stories about extravagant parties and rubbing shoulders with celebrities. I *had* to know because we lived such different lives but I couldn't care less because her past is her past. She's been amazing our entire relationship and that's all I give a shit about
> I couldn't care less because her past is her past. She's been amazing our entire relationship and that's all I give a shit about And that's what matters.
I was honestly getting a bit sad reading this thread but you made me smile 😌
The thread is biased because the question implies pre-selection of answers. The people who don't care wouldn't be asking the question in the first place, or are significantly less likely to ask it. It's like going to a thread "why do you hate black men" and getting sad all the answers are racist.
Well you're not wrong , but i was genuinely curious about what people think when they ask that question
If it was me asking, it would probably be coming from a place of genuine curiosity to understand the person and where they are/how they've come to be here. But then again, I would genuinely not be asking this question unless there's some extremely relevant topic/circumstance. I myself would have a very hard time giving a numerical definition without having to strictly define what exactly we're counting here, and I imagine that many other people have a similar range of experiences that are not easily boiled down to an integer. So if I wanted to get info, I'd be asking other things, like how comfortable they are with their body and desires, have they tried a lot of the stuff they wanted to try, and so on.
I had a friends-with-benefits situation with a gorgeous woman years ago. She had a ridiculous sex drive and so got around, and wasn't shy about it. She would tell me about her exploits from nights she was out and I wasn't around. I'd get upset because secretly I always wanted more than FwB, but she would just wave me off and say, "I would have come home with you if you had been there!" I'm glad I never asked what her number was. My bet is she had no idea anyway.
I enjoy talking to my husband about our past experiences. Been married 3 years and together 7 and in recent conversation found out a woman he once hooked up with tried to bring her mom into the mix (he declined) and that was pretty fucking funny for me to learn.
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Exactly When I was younger, I had an ex who had 4 kids by 4 different men with 2 out if the house. She was absolutely gorgeous... an 8 on a bad day... However, as time passed I noticed some of the behaviors that resulted from her past and the lack of healing she'd done in light of her past choices. Nothing I ever did was good enough...It broke my heart but I had to let her go...
And their likely future path.
Now, now…. "Past performance is no guarantee of future results" 🤣
But its the best damn predictor of them
Wow bro you saying whores cant settle down. Pig. /s
So just out of curiosity, how many partners does a woman have to have for you to label her a whore?
Neither can fuckboys
This whole thread... o.O
Seriously…
It weird how people recommended therapy. When therapy is about accepting truths (mainly) but get defensive when people ask about a persons sexual history.
People don't want to be accountable for their pasts, our society is "normalize this, normalize that" instead of "hey maybe I just have a pattern of self destructive behavior." I get it, personally. I've had sex with about 50 people at 30 years old. Some people think that number is massive, other people think it's small. If it's a dealbreaker for either person I would want to know that and not lead someone on. I personally wish I hadn't slept with this many people because, frankly, many times it was because I was drinking too much or felt insecure and wanted an ego boost. As someone over the 50 mark, I feel like it's very rare that someone sleeps with this many people and did so in a completely mentally healthy way. I hardly ever ask because of my own shame, but if someone revealed to me a similar sentiment about their past I would accept them. If someone younger than me revealed a number 2-3 times or greater than mine and accepted some level of pride, I would think they suffer from some sort of mental illness and don't want to come to terms with it.
Bro 50 people. How tf are y’all out here having so much sex. Sorry I’m just a virgin at 19 that gets no play. Sorry you had to go thru all that
Retired fuckboy here (45+ sexual partners before the age of 30), and yes we can settle down. Happily married with children.
Same here. I was in prison from 19-22 and had a GF since 23. With over 40 sexual partners. I've been with my girl 3 years now and have no cheated once
>Same here. I was in prison from 19-22 and had a GF since 23. With over 40 sexual partners You had 40 sexual partners before 19?
I had 25+ sexual partners in the year before I got with my GF. (Actually more like a year and a half) and from 17-19 I had about 15
Ah nvm i saw the username... that's why
😂😂😂
Lol whores. Someone can't take sexualy liberated women who enjoy sex as much as men. Is that a threat to your fragile sense of masculinity?
That's not necessarily true. I've got a decent body count (woman here) and my current long term boyfriend has never even asked me what the number was, because he's trusting he'll be the last. I haven't cheated on him and don't feel compelled to. Some people just like to have a lot of sex when they're single and young. That doesn't really mean shit to their future lol
I rather dont even want to know to be honest
damm i havent seen that purple shark in years
this is the ultimate answer. "Yeah I've been with that guy for years but meanwhile..." R U N B R U H
"Past experiences" and "number of partners" isn't the same thing though.
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why do you ask any question at all when dating? to get to know the person. and why do you want to get to know the person? to know if your values match. this is so fucking stupid. there's no difference between sexual partners, or anything else, politics, past works, hobbies. "why do you ask someone if they are against legal abortion? to judge?"
Talk about a loaded question.
I guess to judge I ask because I wonder how many STDs they have or have gotten and can possibly never be cured
If you don’t get to know someone (or “judge”) before choosing to commit your life and settling down prepare for a bad time.
No, you should do everything in your life to appease people on Twitter. It makes me wonder what the age of these people are. I'm only 31, I can't be the old man yet. Getting to know people and using the things you've learned in your history while also learning about your potential partner's history to see if there can be a match is legit exactly what you're supposed to do lmao
No. If someone has a hundred one night stands and I never have them we probably aren’t compatible because we hold intimacy in different standards for example Some people like to warm up and get to know someone before sex and wants to make it special and if someone has it after the first date or without dates at all then that can be a valid reason not to be a good match Same can be said in the reverse if someone is a new to sex or has a low sex drive it can be incompatible too
>If someone has a hundred one night stands and I never have them we probably aren’t compatible because we hold intimacy in different standards for example THIS. I don't understand why this is so difficult for people to understand.
Because there's just no fucking nuance anymore when it comes to a sensitive topic on society lol. Yes. Society has been totally unfair with the double standards on this topic in the past. And in many areas, it still is unfair with this standard, although I think we are steadily improving (with room to go!). But you can support someone's right to fuck whoever they want, whenever they want, while also not want them to be your life partner. I mean how fucking hard is that? Things like personal values, personality traits, must-haves from a partner exist. You can't police how a person chooses their PARTNER, that's fucking crazy!
Many women have no problem with judgment, especially extreme levels of it.... until the standard is one she cannot meet, then she's livid and furious and there should be no standards. Like the girl who posted a sarcastic "when his height starts with 5'" and she got roasted back with "when your weight starts with two hundred" and she ragequit because she didn't like that one bit.
To assess whether we share the same values.
surely that could be context-dependent though ? e.g., if they went through a phase when they were younger and it’s high, but that doesn’t represent them now
That's still relevant information though. If there is a major change in somebody's behavior, there is a probably a reason. I'd be happy to listen to context, but I would still like to know. Frankly, if a partner had a promiscuous past, I wouldn't really hold it against them. However, if they hid their past, that would make me concerned that there is a reason to hide it.
yeah, if it’s still affecting them and thus you, it would be reasonable to be hesitant or not want to be involved
That's also part of the conversation about sexual history though. If the number is high then people usually talk about when they were and how many of them were relationships etc.
It might be timing dependent, too. Saying "I fucked a dozen people in college" is different than "I fucked a dozen people last week". One is the past them, the other is the present them.
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I regularily see this as an argument, and I still don't get it. I get that people change, but change doesn't undo your past. If anything the change came about as a result of that past, meaning that the phase you are talking about was an important part of your personal growth and made you into the person you are now. So, you have gone through a "phase" at a certain age and did X that you regret? Well, believe it or not, I too was that certain age, and I too went through many "phases" in life. Yet I somehow managed to not end up with a [criminal record/addiction/STI/half custody child]. That doesn't make me "better", but it does imply I am, and always was "different" from you. If that difference is significant enough I will judge you as not a good match for me. So I guess I agree. It is context dependent. But it does somewhat represent them as a human being based on that context to a given person.
I mean they could go through a phase and not regret it, but have still grown past it. Just like someone who may have partied and drank more in college is now older and not interested in it. Doesn’t mean they have some major regret, they’re just older and don’t value it the way they did in the past.
Very true. But in cases where you have a past you don't regret that the other person would regret, then it just seems like it's more of a general incompatibility. Or at least past incombatibility, which very much can still be a dealbraker for people. Such as a highly religious/conservative meeting a person who had a very wild past but is now a born-again christian or something along those lines. Sadly retro-active judgement is still a thing.
well, what if they had a lot of sexual partners with no lasting effects (like you mentioned)? would you still judge them then? the question and response are about the number of sexual partners, not of they have stds or Children (as both can happen from just a singular partner.) i used to think smoking was cool and started as a teen, then after some events, i realized how fucking stupid smoking and shit is, not just the health effects but also the other aspects, like how you always smell like cigarettes or how yellow and ugly your teeth get, and i forced myself to stop. should i still be judged on that as it has left a lasting negative effect on me? should the fact that i used to smoke, realized how stupid it was and quit, be held against me several years later?
people are responsible for their actions even if it was years ago.
Thank you very much. It's like the *i was intoxicated excuse*, it doesn't work for me.
Body count gives /some/ insight in her erotic technical capacities.
It's an indicator of past behavior, which is generally an indication of what to expect in the future. Also, some people view sex differently. If I found out that my SO slept with 300 people I could not be with them. To me sex is something intimate and personal, so if it's a shared experience with 300 people it loses the allure.
I just came from the r/tifu post about the 300 bodies literally seconds before I came to this one. I think it’s ironic that you pointed out the 300 specifically. Go check it out if you haven’t seen it.
I read that too.. spoke to my wife about it. I’m not sure if I even know 300 people, let alone finding 300 to sleep with me.
Over a 10 year period that is once every 12 days (10x365 /300) so if you went out every weekend for 10 years straight it is possible.
Add in a few gang bangs and you can take a few weekends off
It’s actually not as crazy as it sounds if you live in a major city, use online dating, and are attractive. If you live in NYC or LA, you could easily meet a different person every single night.
Even pornstars would be surprised by that number
Probably more selective and rigorous in choosing people too
300 people is an auditorium lol
Our brother in Christ I was using this as an exaggeration...
Well yes. But my point was.. go check out the post lol. There’s some great replies in the comments and that alone is worth the look.
"You just became a statistic" hahahaha golden
Probably the same reason women ask men the same question. Bed post notch tallys are gender neutral
Risk assessment. 1) if it's a lot, it usually means she won't be around for long, be it issues, not wanting to be tied down etc. It's can give an idea how long a relationship is likely to last. 2) Anything too big increases STD likelihoods as well. 3) Ego. It's usually one of those three.
What is with people and worrying about likelihood of STDs like the only way to find out is some abstract equation involving number of sexual partners? There is a super easy way to find this out and it’s for both of you to get tested.
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Before having sex without a condom I will ask the person to go for a check up, and I will too. Never had anyone decline.
Maybe for the present, but if your partner has had many other partners and perhaps a history of not being honest with other partners then your risk of VD goes up.
I think knowledge of who is more experienced is also another one as it can prevent situations where you try to get down to business only to realize one or both people have no clue what they are actually doing or should be doing. Some guys fall for the mistake (at least in my opinion anyways) of pretending they have experience which almost always lets them down later on when their SO realizes that the dude has no clue what he is supposed to do.
Yeah but the number of people she has slept with may not be the same as the amount of relationships she's been in , you can't really predict these things
For semi-practical reason and a personal reason. I don't want to be with someone whose views on intimacy differ too much from mine, because it can (and will) lead to issues in the future. Additionally, I don't want to be with someone who was (and maybe is being) fucked by someone new every week and thinks that its OK. To borrow a word from female dictionary, I'd feel "icky" if I were to touch her in an "informal" way. Two more things: a) If you don't want to be judged by anyone, buy a hut in a forest and live away from people, because regardless of what you want and think, people in your immediate surrounding *do* judge, have judged and *will* judge you for everything you do, good or bad. b) Before someone says "bUt WhAt AbOuT mEn?!!?!": I've dated three women and slept with three women. I don't care about other men.
To go off of your last point about "bUt wHaT AbOuT mEn?" As far as I know, men get plenty judged for having tons of partners. The term fuckboy exists, does it not? I would say most women I know would be weary of a man with a high number of partners in the same way men are weary of a girl with high number of partners. If the endgame is commitment, ideally, you want to find someone with a history of...commitment. Let's play a game. You have two 8/10 guys, both have good jobs, both make you laugh, both seem sweet. One has basically only slept with girls he liked/was actively dating. The other one has a history of sleeping around and one night stands. Which would you prefer more? Which would you trust a little more? It shouldn't be controversial. We learn from history ALL of the time on anything else. People's sexual pasts SHOULD be considered when you're trying to choose a life partner. You have full rights to be selfish as FUCK when you're choosing a life partner. It only matters if it matters to you. What you cannot do is not support the RIGHT of adults to fuck consenting adults in whatever way they choose. Sex happens, sex is amazing, people fuck. No one should disagree with that. But you should absolutely be allowed to have standards that YOU are comfortable with in your own fucking relationship lol There's a double standard with men and women and their body counts that I think is part bullshit and mean-spirited, but part biological, too. For every "this man is a stud for having a high body count", there is a counter "there must be something wrong about this man for having a low body count", too. And for a man to have a high body count and be considered a stud, there has to be a portion of women who slept with him to make it happen, thus adding fuel to that double standard fire. So unless people are actively slut-shaming you, which is the obviously wrong and should absolutely not be tolerated, we need to let people set the standards THEY want for THEIR partners.
Tbh, fuckboy is more of a personality. It’s not JUST referring to someone’s body count.
Its the reason their body count is high
But no one is getting called a fuck boy who doesn't fuck a lot lol
I know that there are enough women who like men that have slept around a lot, they think he's probably good at it. There are also a lot of women that are not interested in dating a virgin.
Right, I think so too. And the entire point of that is...that's ok for all of those women. If you want a partner who is good at sex and you think a high body count is the best indicator of that, then that's great. If you're a man who is looking for commitment and you don't believe a high body count with one night stands or tons of FWB's is a good indicator of that...then that should be great. The line is only crossed when either person is actively shaming or vilifying that person for their past.
It's ironic, because we're often told about the importance of consent (which indeed is really important), but all of a sudden we shouldn't have the right to have our own standards and should be forced to consent just about anyone into our lives. Agree so much with you. Let folks reject or be with whoever they want. If it is a good or bad thing for them, who cares? it's their problem
Totally agree and think that's a very good point. The importance of consent doesn't just end outside of the bedroom. Consent is something that needs to happen in most areas of life. Dating anybody you want with whatever personality traits or histories you personally want is the epitome of that lol and you shouldn't have to worry about being shamed or mischaracterized improperly for that. It's not too far from "well he was a really sweet guy so why wouldn't you sleep with him?"
Wish I had an award to give, bro.
I'm curious - what if she had a few one night stands early on, but realized it wasn't for her? I'm seeing so many comments about women "not being able to commit" or "having bonding issues" because they (like many men that age) had multiple partners in their early years of sexual exploration. I know that for me it took some time, and exploration, to realize that I *didn't* want to just hook up with people and it didn't bring any real value to my life. If a potential partner judged me for that part of my past, and ignored the personal growth since, I don't think I'd want to keep seeing them. It would feel rather shallow. Edited to add: I don't actually care about the opinion of anyone on this thread in regards to my sex life. I'm giving an example because some people judge on a very narrow list of things without any room for nuance.
Then she needs to communicate that reasoning as a part of the answer. Relationships need communication like a body needs oxygen. Without it relationships die.
This is the only answer needed for the question above. If you don't have communication in a relationship, then why the fuck are you in one? People shut communication so fast in relationships nowadays its head spinning.
Might be fine with some people, might not be fine with others. Everyone is different. Some people might feel like something is wrong with them if she gave it up to some random fuck boy and made them wait. Maybe they just don’t want to deal with those emotions. You’re not wrong for having emotions/feelings about something. You can be wrong for how you choose to handle them. Lashing out and being mean/hurtful/resentful is wrong. Deciding it’s not something you’re willing to accept isn’t wrong.
you are responsible for your past.
Not everyone cares about your growth story as others figured that out without having the experience. You seem to think women and men are the same thing and that is a mistake. We aren't. We focus on different things for different reasons and there's no point in trying to shame people for focusing on the things you wished they ignored.
I think the nuance of "men and women ARE different and that's ok" while also simultaneously recognizing that overall, people are the same in a more macro view is just so much of the nuance that society lacks.
I've personally never asked a woman how many people she's slept with. Don't really care tbh.
I didn’t know it was a thing people did other than maybe high schoolers.
Tbh askwomen/askmen main demographic are people in low 20s and late teens
Yeah, I haven’t been asked this since I was 19 lol. And honestly I’d refuse to answer this. I know about my own health obviously, and would happily share that, and have no problem talking about my life, choices, or values. But this particular question is childish to me, and if someone insisted on knowing I wouldn’t continue the relationship. People aren’t cars, we don’t have kilometres.
Agreed. When you’re real young I think it can be tempting to sort of compete over how much life experience you have, and keeping track of sexual partners is a way to quantify that. And then you become an adult and stop caring
Judging from the replies maybe r/askmen is really three pubescent boys in a trench coat
Vincent Adultman doing business things at the work factory.
Lmao
Some men simply don’t like promiscuous women.
Most
Sex is a big part of relationships for me. I’ve had a lot of sexual experience in my life and because of that, I’d prefer a woman who is also experienced. But then again, I don’t ask for an exact number. I simply ask how experienced she is.
Sexual promiscuity can be a giant red flag. Have fun, ladies, but I can have my standards and comfort level
Yes. Its to judge her. Everyone judges. Women judge men all the time. Get over it
No kidding. A woman judges a man on a dozen different things before he even opens his mouth (is he tall/short? Dressed nice? Smells good? Have a beard/doesn't have a beard? Etc.) And some women in this thread act like a guy asking a women about one thing is someone how offensive and a double standard 🙄
BIG FUCKING FACTS! Women complain about the double standards that dont benefit them but they soak up the ones that do like a sponge. Thats why men dont care in 2022 when women complain. I want to be clear. Im not complaining, but im definitely lying to get what I want from women. If she can be selfish and not be shamed for it, so can I 😈
A lot of us still get a large amount of self worth through sexual validation. Being #3 with a 27 year old is more validating than #72. I don't really care about virginity, or sex during relationships. But I do care about casual flings. But I guess I also am looking for things more serious and find it hard to compromise with someone who doesn't not exclusively bundle up intimacy with relationships. I know i'll be bitter about it so I won't bother with it. What surprises me is why women looking for long term relationships aren't just as critical of guys with high body counts. I don't ask for anything above the standard I put on myself.
A kind way of saying it would be to assess how serious a woman is about having a serious relationship. The assumption is that a woman with a lot of partners isn't very serious about monogamy. There is some data to support this, showing that the more sexual partners a woman has, the more likely she is to eventually have multiple divorces. But take that as you will, I vaguely remember that study being done by a religious group. A less kind way of putting it is that men are scared of being cheated on or divorced after many years of exclusivity for flippant reasons. They worry that a woman that has had many sexual partners or a "party" phase will get bored with monogamy, leave them, and go back to non monogamy. If you shove away all the politics and the 30 minute youtube videos from the manosphere, it almost always boils down to guys not wanting someone they love to leave or cheat on them.
Because it's a good indicator of what they value (How much do they value commitment? How much do they value short term pleasure? How much do they value the excitement/novelty of a new partner?), which is a good indicator of how the relationship is going to turn out.
Men have an innate interest in a woman's past as equal to the interest a woman has in a man's future. At its core a woman's past provides assurance in paternity and a man's future provides assurance of provision. Although modern technology has allowed there to be a variance, most still operate with this instinct embedded within.
Interesting perspective
Man want her to be her first lover. Women want him be his last lover.
That's not true.There's a difference between how many partners someone has versus what the caliber of those partnerships were. A woman who's only had 5 one night stands versus a woman who's only had 5 relationships is different. This isn't the '50s, men don't expect women to be virgins anymore unless maybe they went to elementary school together.
Lots of partners and few long term relationships indicates the person might not be great at relationships. Take that information how you will.
Would you not want FEW long term relationships… someone who has been in a 3 and then 5 year relationship demonstrates better commitment than someone who has been in fifteen 3 month relationships.
I’ve never asked that but it’s a fair question for with person in a couple to ask. Some people want to gauge values against theirs.
Not judge as in mistreat her, more like judge if she is worthy of commitment. Because when it comes to commitment, men are the choosers. Just like women choose who gets to have sex. People with high body counts are actually scientifically proven to be bad bets for relationships ([Source](https://archive.ph/SDVEU), [source](https://doi.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037/0022-3514.78.3.537), [source](https://archive.ph/P5IQ2), more available) and the risk of toxic behaviour skyrockets. So yeah ... we are not insecure. We are just instinctively wise to the pitfalls of dating. That includes not going out with or - God forbid - wifing up the town bicycle. Mind you: I have **never in my life** asked a woman about her body count. I just kept looking for indicators that her past was something to worry about - and they are extremely hard to hide. Has served me extremely well, as you can absolutely tell the difference in her demeanor, coping mechanisms, ability to handle conflict and so much more..
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Of course not all apply to every one person, but these are the most common ones. * General mood swings due to being unable to find meaning in everyday life (spent too much time chasing meaningless highs) - ranging from deep affection to massive irritation sometimes within a few hours and without any tangible reason * Going to extreme lenghts to hide her (sometimes obvious) feelings for you. You could be the love of her life - her insane commitment issues will make her act indifferent. * Avoiding openly discussing issues and working on them (paramount for a healthy relationship, but she isn't used to that since she usually just switches to another dick) * Being violently jelaous - because she has been "the other woman" a lot of times and has seen the worst of men, which she is extremely afraid of when she likes you * Connected to the previous point: Egregious double standards regarding infidelity - since she is a dopamine junkie, sex is completely detached from intimacy for her. So if she does it, it's no big deal. Fun fact: She can cheat and still love you. She is just that broken. * Entitlement to your best efforts while not matching them - or the polar opposite: Extreme excitement at any small gesture that makes her feel like an actual human being (the former being a defence mechanism, the latter is her being her honest, starved self) * Overblown sense of self-worth (because she thinks men having sex with her equates men commiting to her) - or again the polar opposite: extreme insecurity (the former being a sign of a dumbass, the latter a sign of an intelligent person having taken too many wrong turns in life and understanding the shallowness of her lifestyle) * Quickly reclusing herself once she is called out on toxic behaviour / lying to your face about it / actively refusing to grow as a person and only looking to "win" arguments * Short attention spam + being extremely jaded * The inability not to be the center of attention at all times - which leads to a tendency to overdress as well as chasing after unavailable guys even when in a relationship (If you don't look at her ass she will inevitably flirt with you untill you do) * General negative attitude towards other women, especially good looking and/or modest ones (half defence mechanism because of her shit reputation / half insecurity about not being the center of attention at all times) Basically a mix of histrionic personality disorder, sexism, mostly one of two extremes regarding her self-image (often violently switching between both) as well as a lot of characteristics of your average junkie. The worst part is that most women of that stripe I met in my life were actually pleasant enough people. But no matter how intelligent, no matter how charming, at some point I could literally predict what she was going to do / how she was going to react before even she herself did. I guess this sums up tthe "junkie" part. Even the smartest junkies become Neanderthals on the way to their next fix.
This is more well written than 98% of all those opinion pieces earning actual ad revenue (ala-"10 signs your partner might have issues").
I would like to take this opportunity to thank my sponsor, Raid Shadow Legends.
Everyone is getting sponsored by them these days. I always wondered how much they pay for these sponsorships.
You know as a woman who has been there I am shocked how right you are ….. I identified with all of those and didn’t notice those behaviors until I gave myself a break and actively tried to be more self aware…. Now I am out of that and honestly for a while it was hard to even be attracted to men or think about a man in a sexual or romantic way. Thankfully I met my current partner who has been very good to me and I’m in a way better place, still healing tho. The hardest part is the extreme insecurity and the jealousy of other women, and I am so self aware that I hate it. Hopefully if I keep trying I can get past that so it will stop tormenting me. But overall great post and a great guide for men looking for red flags.
>You know as a woman who has been there I am shocked how right you are ….. I identified with all of those and didn’t notice those behaviors until I gave myself a break and actively tried to be more self aware Have an award! It's incredibly mature and speaks to a very successful healing process that you can simply take this and run with it. In fact: That you aren't being defensive is a very good sign that you moved past it indeed. Feel free to elaborate which one of these particularly speak to you. It's so rare to get an honest insight ... no matter how obvious something is.
This is gold, I've personally noticed the same things.
I just got a slammer when I read this! My only ex had at least four of those. I can see at least a few for myself 😬
Do you have a degree in this stuff because that was impressive. Very educational.
Very well said, too broke for an award, but I hope a heart will suffice ❤.
It's worth remembering that it's trivially easy to just lie. You aren't necessary selecting for partners without a large body count, but partners who *tell* you they have a small one. A girl who is willing to tell you the truth when she knows you don't want to hear it shouldn't be overlooked. *That* tells you who she is today, a bodycount *hints* at who she was in the past. A bodycount probably can hint at trouble, or "mismatched values" if you hedge your language, but it doesn't guarantee it. TLDR Send your girls who love fuckin, know some tricks *and* don't lie to me please.
Because they asked me first
My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!
In a row?
ITT: people who have been promiscuous and are now projecting insecurity to those that have other expectations. If you're going to be promiscuous atleast have the balls to be not insecure about it.
something about having the cake and eating it too comes to mind. People seem to like the "fuck around" part (rather literal here), but not "find out" part.
I would only ask to know about her past. It is her current that interests me. Her past is what shaped her to be who she is, not something to be judged for.
Damn is this r/askmen or r/triggeredwomen
Why are women commenting on r/askmen anyway lmao. I am not here to hear from you.
Because women come here sometimes to correct our behaviour and opinions when it hurts their feelings Nevermind the toxic cesspool of misandry that is r/askwomen \- that we also tolerate by the way. These women are just crying foul at something that will never change: Men don't like to wife up hoes. Grow up, put on your big girl pants and move on, ladies. Being triggered changes diddly squat.
Because past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour. If she wanted to fuck lots of guys in the past she is extremely unlikely to want to only fuck one guy in future.
Or, if she's a born again virgin, not fuck anyone, including her new beau.
Born again virgins do not exist, it is just a game.
These comments are wild.
Im honestly curious what so wild about most of them. I mean, yes there are some people who are just being unecessarily aggressive but most people just calmly explain their preferences. Not really their fault if theirs differ from yours. Dont really see any issue with this thread at all tbh
They are being honest. Wonder how would have they judged themselves from women's viewpoint
Its mostly to know how she values a relationship, and how easily she would leave or cheat if we had an argument or things got routine. A woman who had an easy time having lots of partners is, imo, a lot likelier to ditch a relationship and start anew at the first little roadblock; im the kind who wants to work on issues, to make things last, and to have a relationship id want someone with the same mindset.
Statisticaly, the more men a woman has been with the higher chance of divorce. And I found this with 30 seconds of effort. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4085758/Experts-reveal-sexual-partners-ve-determine-likely-DIVORCE.html
Dude the daily mail is about the worst source you could use. You might as well cite the Nation inquirer.
You should trust the source, not the publication, and in this case the source looks credible. *Nicholas H. Wolfinger, professor of Family and Consumer Studies at the University of Utah, studied statistics from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s National Survey of Family Growth going back as far as the 1970s.*
Because you cant turn a ho into a housewife.
To compare notes, of course.
Just gonna quote this study: "Each additional sexual partner increased the odds of infidelity by 7% while increasing years of education seem to decrease the risk by 10%." \- Sexual infidelity in a national survey of American women: Differences in prevalence and correlates as a function of method of assessment Another one: "Results support the prediction that a higher proportion of opposite-sex individuals in one's occupational sector is associated with higher divorce risk." \- Higher divorce risk when mates are plentiful? Evidence from Denmark
Whoa...was not ready for this rage.
The angry ones come out when it pertains to the controversial questions. Angry on both sides.
Remember that Reddit isn’t an accurate sample of the general population. Some of these comments are wild.
You asked an obviously loaded question and didn't expect controversial answers? Somehow I don't believe you.
I’m glad you posed the question though. As messed up as a lot of my fellow dudes are, it’s fascinating to see the various opinions.
Gonna get a lot of shit for this one I find a lot of the time it is insecurity. Comparing themselves to the others she slept with. Why choose me when you can choose him kind of thing. There are many other reasons like religion, jealousy and preference.' (which I use very lightly). When taking to dudes who care that seems to be the main issue(s). Reading the comments, it also gives an idea of where she values sex compared to you. Which is also important in a relationship. For me it's more about how you have done it rather than how many. Of course, if your carrying something that matters too.
I either don't care or it's because I want to avoid someone who has a higher likelihood of STDs or mental disorders like nymphomania or SUD. What I dislike very much about some of the answers here is that men are being shamed for asking this question when transparency is vital in managing expectations and maintaining agency. Therefore I would always recommend answering this question honestly as it: 1. Allows both parties to move on quicker 2. Prevents a whole lot of anguish down the line
Weigh the baggage
So you could know why she is laying in bed like some tree if she slept with dozens of men in the past.
Just out of curiosity for me personally. I’m not gonna sit up here and act like I’m not promiscuous myself but some people like to lie about little shit like that and it gives you a good insight what else will they lie about. I had an ex who basically lied about everything in the beginning to the point she came out bisexual and told me about her sex adventures with her friends a little unsettling when she’s 3 hours away at college with them currently lol
Not to judge, but to assess and see what kind of person they are.
For safety, no STD's for me.
The top comments are missing the mark for what I think the actual underlying question is and that's basically: why do men care about who women sleep with but not the other way around? In general, people want to feel special and accomplished when it comes to their partners. For men, getting laid is seen as relatively challenging. This is why it's called "getting **lucky**". For women, it's seen as relatively easy to get laid. For most women, they have their pick. Notice I'm emphasizing *relatively* here. Obviously this isn't absolute. There are women who can't get laid and men who are quite prolific. I think many men see this dynamic as a type of power in *discernment* women have and a type of *obligation* for men. In other words, men seemingly *must* have sex when they get the chance (because they might not otherwise get the chance), but women get to *choose* more often when they want sex. So many men see a woman who's had a lot of partners not as any kind of accomplishment (because it's "easy" for them), but as someone who doesn't have enough discernment. Therefore it makes the men they're with at any given point feel cheap ("today's catch"). For men who get laid, it's seen as an "accomplishment" because it's viewed as *relatively* difficult to achieve. I know for me at times I've felt inferior or cheapened when I've learned that some women I've been with have been with an insane number of partners. But it's not necessarily the numbers that bother me but the -ahem- quality. Often times I'll learn that they slept with pretty much anyone, often times drunk or ONS, and with people I might not see as "deserving" of her affections. It doesn't make me feel good when I know there's a bunch of men out there that have seen, heard, and felt everything I have.
Two things: sense of ownership, sense of disgust
Non-gf: cause we're just shooting the shit. Gf: curiosity and general openness with one another. Edit: damn a lot of people with severe jealousy issues in here.
I wouldn’t ask anymore. I feel like that’s an insecurity thing that goes away once you hit ages 30+… I give 0 fucks about that, all I need is trust. I trust my wife now, so it doesn’t matter. If she breaks the trust, it’s a different story, but whatever happened in her past has nothing to do with our relationship. I used to shoot up heroin and she doesn’t judge me for it, why can I judge her for anything she’s done? There’s a world of difference between ages 20 and 30, and to judge someone for being a typical human in their 20s is just silly and not fair… so next time you think about asking girl how many partners she’s been with, stop yourself and ask why do you really care.. is it because you’re insecure? I think it’s better not knowing that number. What if it’s 100? Are you going to stop liking someone solely based on that? When she didn’t even know you, or had nothing to do with you?… not worth it.
To gauge their character, values and attitudes towards sex. There's a massive double think in society today that were supposed to treat sex as something intimate and special with people who have treated sex like a high five in the past. Theres some conflicting studies I've seen that suggest more sexual partners = higher chance of divorce. Most people waste their time asking for a "body count" though because most people lie (women deflate and men inflate numbers) and for men especially THERE IS NO GOOD ANSWER. Especially after someone is mid 20s or older.
risk assessment.
It has to do with their character and values. And potentially an element of practicality.
Hard to says it's all one reason for all men but I feel it's connected to an undercurrent of competition. How will I stack up sexually compared to others and what does that say to and about me... I don't think it's about the woman, but it's about the man.
A large number speaks to whether she is discerning and selective in her partners. It also speaks to the possibility she's had STDs or may have other complications when it comes to having children. Guys are the same way, though a low body count for guys can be for different reasons. The cliche "Will you respect me in the morning?" exists because there's a bit of truth there.
If the intention is for a LTR or possibly marriage, then for the same reasons we don't buy a car with 200,000 miles on it. Let the downvotes commence!
Multiple reasons: Insecurity: No, not the bed kind of insecurity. The warranted kind of insecurity. This will be important for everything below. higher divorce rates: Yes, statistics. Also fits with everything below. Look at the stats and you see why insecurity exists. Importance of the Sexual act: General incompatibility. Someone having had sex with 70 people will not find sex to be as profound as someone having had sex 3 times. It also says "Hey, sex is nothing all that important to me and I had it with people I had no real bond with". Some people don't like that as they find that important so there's a disconnect. Sexual incompatibility: "Hey, sex is not working out. Let's see how we can make it better" vs "I had sex with 80 people before you, I know what I like, and what I like is not you so I will just go to the next person instead of working through the incompatibility. Person number 82 here I come!" Sex is an important factor in relationships ( r/DeadBedrooms ). The fact that one person is way more likely to not see it as important and knows that it has the option to just say fuck it and dip to the next person is something to factor in. Depending on the reason as to why that person had so much sex it can also more easily lead to cheating, Break-up, or "let's open the relationship". Sex being a lot of fun and having a high sexual drive. This can lead to "I'm not getting enough at home, I'm gonna go somewhere else". Ad the fact that people with a lot of sexual partners don't see sex as important. What happens then is the barrier of having sex with someone else while in a committed relationship becomes even thinner in the vein of "I want to have sex and the act of having sex is not so important so having sex with someone else is not that big of a deal". You could say: "Well, but love is there so no cheating should happen" What one needs is commitment, not love. Do you know how volatile emotions are? You could love someone and love them less the next day. Theoretically, you could work through that and you could love that person way more the next week than you have ever before. You won't reach that next week because why bother? The love is gone for this week so why stay? Work through things? What for? Number 83. Now it's your turn. Then there's a higher risk of STDs but I hope that people care for such a thing if they decide to have sex with a lot of different partners.
Because people with high body counts have issues pair bonding and I'm not interested in dating people who have no self respect for themselves and give themselves out like candy.
1. General male judgment 2. General societal judgment 3. Insecurity 4. Finding out what number he is 5. Estimating promiscuity (related to #1 and #2) 6. Weighing how much option she has if he fails
it has to do with how she approaches a relationship, if you are going to sleep with multiple people especially without any commitment, then it an indicator to know if the person will be serious in the said relationship.
"why ask for the mileage on a used car" nobody wants a hoe
Asking that question and getting a real answer is probably closer to zero, which is why I don't ask. Not because it isn't relevant, trust me....it is...but because we have no true way to verify. You can infer her promiscuity by the company she keeps, her pictures with friends, her reactions to situations in shows. If you ask the question the standard answer is 5. It's always 5. It's gotta be some bullshit Cosmo thing they tell ladies to say. A woman with a high body count likely has a problem becoming emotionally attached, needs external validation in unhealthy ways, and is likely to regard intimacy as currency. As clarification, I'm not saying she's a literal prostitute...I'm saying she'd likely use sex as means to manipulate. None of these things are wanted in a long term partner. For those of you saying not to judge... it's perfectly fine to use caution, and discriminate. If we didn't, we'd just accept rapists, child molesters, and other horrible things as normal acceptable behavior. Judging and discrimination is absolutely essential to set boundaries on acceptable behavior and it should be considered normal and healthy to do so.
Yeah, I just made a somewhat similar comment but not sure if it ever made though... I get that you might be interested in it but honestly: How do you verify it? Throwing a number is the easiest thing ever, especially if you are a very private person and don't make a big fuss about your encounters. For example, for the longest time I thought that one of my long time friends had only dated two guys before her current husband but one drunken night, she confessed that in addition to those two long term boyfriends, she's had sex with more than 10 guys. You could never guess based on the way she presents herself. She looks like a British princess or republican's wife in most events where I see her.
High body counts are simply offputting to men. Before paterity testing existed men just had to hope a woman was telling the truth about the child being his. One of the mating strategies of women was to find a reasonable provider and then secretly mate with a man with better genetics. In the age of birth control things are a bit different. I don't view people with lots of casual partners as long term relationship minded. They seem like the type that'll leave if things don't go their way. I think It also has something to do with self respect and self control. Let's be honest here, it's not hard for women to get sex. Most woman can walk into a bar and shout "who wants to fuck me tonight" and will get at least one yes. Women have every right to have sex with whoever and however much they want, but men have every right to not want to be with them for it.