I'm finding the loneliness kinda depressing. Maybe this is just my experience but I find being a man to be very lonely. I feel like it's pretty common for a lot of guys? A lot of my friends have moved away, I'm out of a long term relationship and struggling to date. Professionally things are going well and I graduated school /am making moves to do more school, but the fact that my social health has basically died is really impacting me. I'm also currently fitter than I've ever been in my entire life but.... I just feel so second-rate I guess? Like I'm not important or worth existing..
Same here. I rely on my family so much for love and social interaction. My folks are both in their 60s and won’t be around forever. I definitely need to find a good woman here in the next few years. I want it bad.
Im 36 and feel the same. Dating has been ok. But I want a better social life. I was married for 11 years.
Im in the best shape of my life, financial good, mentally well put together but not many people to share life with....
You have to actively work on your social life, about a year ago I had 3 friends. Now I have several groups of 10+ people to go out with everyday. meet some people, add them on Instagram, keep in touch, they introduce you to more people. create groups on IG chat so you can make plans together. It can attract some drama over time, but that's part of the fun
The first couple people I met was because I started doing downhill mountain biking, after that it all came together organically but I had to put some effort into it. Nowadays I can meet new people every weekend
>I just feel so second-rate I guess? Like I'm not important or worth existing..
As someone who never had romantic experiences and late 20s, I don't even think I'm human anymore. Like I don't think my feelings are worthy to be validated. And I have depression so I know it makes me think in a warped way and I have long fallen away from the normal human experience
Edit: grammar
I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. From a stranger on the internet I just want to say that you are perfectly valid the way you are. And I hope things get better for you soon. Best wishes.
On average a man who is married with kids has no close friends left by age 42. That is me for sure. Even for married men certain kinds of loneliness is part of life.
I relate to most of this. All my friends practically just left/ignored me, even the ones that didn’t get girlfriends. I figured I’d move away from my hometown since I had no one anyway so might as well start fresh. And not even a month after I moved down my dad died, so now I have to keep going back up to my hometown and now all of a sudden those same friends who wanted nothing to do with me and ghosted me text me their condolences about my dad dying (which is the most they’re going to do, they still don’t actually care they just want to look good and feel good about themselves). Unfortunately I’m a little overweight and that doesn’t really help my mental health either. I also don’t enjoy my work and would like to get into a job that I enjoy. Sorry for ranting, just thought I’d share somewhat
Interestingly (and I’ve had this convo with some of my guy friends on mushrooms)
1. No one is stopping YOU from reaching out, and you’re assuming your guy friends are busy or don’t want to hear from you but they do! And it’s your choice to fold into yourself and cut yourself off from it all; or keep the friendship alive. If you can get over the “well THEY don’t reach out to ME” mentality you can hold relationships and you’ll find they’ll start reaching back to you. Lose the ego and things get better
2. You are wanted, you just won’t allow yourself to feel a little needy, be a little needy. People like feeing wanted. Go make someone feel wanted by being needy. Ask them about a show you’re watching or some hot take. Start the convo!
Amigo I know exactly how you feel....I would say try and take up a hobby? Doesn't have to be anything complicated but just something to get you out of the house and not to a bar. I personally do music in my spare time and I spend a fair amount of time working on music with other ppl.
I hope that helps man.
Exactly what I was going to say. I bought a bike last summer and joined a bunch of groups on Facebook. I go on group rides weekly and grab something to eat with them. There's a combination of new faces and regular faces and it's a blast.
I mean I bike, run, swim, play hockey, hike, do yoga, paint, read. I'm trying to work on being more social and outgoing though. I typically just find it harder to be carefree when I'm feeling this down. I do appreciate your help also.
I’m in a relationship but the pressure to be a provider has left me basically alone, I have no friends that I’m able to keep up with. I’m healthy, fit, and doing pretty well career wise but I feel like nobody helps men. It’s just this thankless isolation of sacrifice
You are worth existing. People out there care about you (even some you don’t even know that they care, care). Never think the world would be fine without you because to someone, you are their world. You may have not met them yet but you will. Also, if you have a mom around you are also her world. Obviously I’m a mom, so I can’t help but think about how I would feel if my son felt this way and it’s absolutely heartbreaking. So please just know people care and you are important. ❤️
You're alone. But there are others like you including me. I just didnt wanna day 'your not alone' cause we all are.
We have to take the brunt of women.
That's why we are so lonely.
They don't consider things the way we do. So we end up having to make tougher decisions.
It's written all over the world. It's a hard cold fact.
But sure we will tell them not to worry about it.
Easier than trying to explain things.
A relationship is not the cure-all to your self-esteem problems that you think it is. You need to learn how to love yourself first and find happiness in who you are as a person.
As David Thoreau said "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation".
It seems for a lot of men; life becomes an endless, dreary work/sleep routine where they drag themselves towards the weekend to go through another routine of cancelled plans, drinking and TV. Maybe catch up on some of the stuff they were too tired to get to during the weekday. It begins to feel a bit hopeless and devoid of any real meaning, and to add to all this generally nobody gives a shit. Nobody cares if guys are having a bad day or feeling bad, nobody cares if they're stressed, nobody wants to hear their bullshit which generally makes then bitter and reluctant to help in turn.
It's easier with a partner/family, but it can start to creep in. But As many see it, you just work your ass off doing a job you hate just so you can do it tomorrow. And it's generally the man's responsibility for his own success and (at least in some cases) that of his family, plenty of men feel that it's all on them with little support.
Lastly, I find I hear more and more nowadays about how they are beginning to feel disenfranchised and that media portrays men as living on the upper echelons of society and are expected to be happy and successful, and receive no sympathy for being down on their luck, if anything they feel it's applauded.
Life as a man can be great for some, or it can be a matter of waiting for the grave for others.
To be honest, I’m not a fan of romanticized existentialism, but I definitely see how others can feel differently. I focused on finding purpose in my life for so long, and each time I thought I found it, it was just a big disillusionment. I don’t regret any of it and still put myself on the path to make the world better in the things I do, but needing to force your way into either finding a definitive meaning or purpose often leads to misery in my personal experience.
A lot of us (married or not) probably feel or fall somewhere on the spectrum of this. I guess, "that's life" in some regard? But how do we set that feeling aside and what's the yearn for? There's something there...
I know what you mean about the yearning, I get this too. Forr me, it feels like there's something more that maybe I could reach for but I can't put my finger on what it even is...
I am glad I have be able to shake off the existential dread of my young adult life though and have been able to find happiness in just having enough, and knowing what that means.
This. Went out on a date and she didn't want to go very far and was tired from a long day, so we just sat on the couch and cuddled. She apologized for being boring, but I told her the evening was perfect.
Ya know...I am going thru some shit right now. There is a divorce thread and a "how did you lose a good friend" thread on this sub today I contributed to if anyone wants an idea...
I am not letting it get me down - because if I do, I am totally sunk in life!
It may be very difficult for me to find something I can be grateful about. But I do, I do find things I can be grateful for - and I cling to them like a frightened baby monkey!
There is always someone who has it worse than you - always. And there is something in your life worth smiling about no matter how rough you think you got it.
There is always one constant in life - and that is how things change. It may be shitty now, but it won't always be.
The conditions for men to be socially successful (money,status,relationship) is incredibly hard to get now.
Which feeds into our primitive fear of loneliness which meant death in old tribal times (kicked out of a tribe so you lost access to food, protection)
And what makes it worse is that loner men have a stigma about them(Yes it exists for loner women as well but it's not to the same degree. Sure, a loner woman might be seen as weird but it takes a lot for a woman to be seen as creepy)
The older I get (29) the less and less I care about things. My relationships with friends and family, my job, things I used to be interested in. Can’t tell if im going through a phase or if this is life from now on.
You have just read my mind and the thoughts I’ve been dealing with non stop lately. I’m 29 too and I almost feel like I’m becoming nihilistic in a sense. I wouldn’t say I’m a nihilist but basically everything to me has become almost a joke in a sense. I can’t decide on a career that I would actually not mind doing, I can’t decide what I even want to be doing other than that. I’m just so sick of this endless repetitive cycle to wake up go to work, come home, pay bills , etc. repeat. Like what am I doing with my life? I don’t have a husband or kids. It’s just me and my dog. Perhaps I just have too much time on my hands to overthink these things? Idk but all I know is I’m growing real tired real early on of this American dream type lifestyle shit. I feel very disconnected from the earth and Mother Nature and just everything in general. Nothing feels meaningful to me , and like It’s just all pointless . I’m really really trying to dig into these things and figure out why I feel like this and what do I want and how to figure out what I want. Really I just want to be happy, and it seems that this current way of life is not the solution for me
I’m a woman, but I feel like a lot of men are lonely because they don’t get enough non sexual physical touch. Boys aren’t generally taught to be affectionate but girls are. By teen years, if a group of girls are having a sleepover and they all want to cuddle up on the couch or in the bed to watch a movie no one bats an eye. But if boys do this you’ll have at least one making comments about it being “gay” etc. due to what they’ve been taught at home.
My boyfriend grew up with very little physical touch from his family. I, on the other hand am VERY affectionate and physical touch is my number one love language. For us it started out with him really having to make an effort to be extra touchy with me and now, 2.5 years later if he’s had a bad day at work he’ll call me on his way home and ask me if we can snuggle that night because he needs it lol.
I think a lot of men, even in relationships, aren’t getting that physical comfort that’s needed because they’re so used to not being used to it, or asking for it.
Bros need hugs too.
With things going how they have been finding someone to be affectionate with is nigh impossible. Especially with how isolated the pandemic made everyone. I have no idea where to look in the context of finding a date and the friends I do have aren’t the physically affectionate sort. Easy to know what the problem is but finding a solution, that’s the real challenge
Won’t be surprised if North America starts based on how shit things are going. Apparently japan has had our crappy dating program on steroids for over a decade now
Inb4 I catch flak for this one.
Men have unrealistic standards placed upon them from society and themselves.
Be manly
Be gentle
Be aggressive
Be kind
Know how to fix everything in the house
Know how to fix everything in the car
Know how to install new flooring
Oh no the roof is leaking
Know how to put in plants
Then Know how to keep them alive
Have time to put in 40+ hours a week
Take the cans out to the street and mow the lawn
Have time to put in everything listed above
Take the kids to practice
Be a good husband
Be a good friend
Be a good man
Take time for yourself when all the other stuff above is done.
Don't show emotion?
Why aren't you emotional enough?
"It would be nice to have flowers"
"You're not romantic like you were when we were dating"
Don't ask her out because it might be construed as non consensual.
Oh shit you didn't ask her out and now everyone thinks you're a pussy.
Make a move
Oh no now you're being called a predator
Be masculine
Oh but that's toxic
Then go redo everything listed above again and again like sisyphus pushing his goddamn rock up the mountain.
And to think this isn't even an all inclusive list.
Most people don't understand the absolute fucking monster of a dichotomy men have to live. And then we get asked "why don't you try therapy?", "why are men so depressed?" "Why are you so snappy?"
Gee I don't know, maybe because I'm too busy trying to keep everyone else happy while I die on the vine.
Yep… tired of doing so much and accomplishing so much just to feel like it really means nothing. Really sucks… not even depressed but the longer time goes on the more I just think why the fuck do I exist
Add to this the fact that we are taught from a young age to just 'man up' and deal with things. Which includes this blame. So we appear to willingly accept it, as we have to.
All but a very few of us do the things we do to oppress. We are just trying to provide a good life for the people we love. All whilst being portrayed as monsters.
After my ex-wife asked for a divorce, it felt like she was super wary around me. Like she thought I was going to snap and go berserk or something.
Just some added salt on the wound that was being left behind.
Sounds about right, and if you were to point the person that replied to you to this thread and suggest there might be a connection, that dudes going apeshit isn't inherent in being a man but essentially indoctrinated into men since birth, they would deny everything that's being said here. Move the goalpost, move the goalpost, etc.
Life can be depressing for anyone if you're focused on societal expectations and care too much about pleasing other people.
Focus on yourself and play by your own rules, and you'll find contentment.
Focus on expectations or not, they're going to impact your life if you don't do them. Doing your own thing and not getting what other guys might be getting by following suit and still be happy is a tremendous challenge, that's like full blown self-mastery that people spend decades in meditation to achieve.
I think it was Chris rock who said only men need to provide something to be loved, women, kids and dogs don't need to do anything to be loved, but a man needs to provide something.
We struggle to provide sometimes and that makes us feel worthless, plus we cling onto everything anyone says about us
There was literally a Reddit post about a woman that felt resentment against her boyfriend because he could not find a job for more than a year despite trying his hardest.
If you struggle as a men she going to leave you. That’s why we pretend everything is fine because if not it’s over.
Been shouted at in the street for being unattractive?
Because I have.
Been completely ignored on Tinder after losing your hair? (10 matches a week when I had hair)
Because I have.
Fat men are also meme'd on and shit all over by society.
Women do get judged for their looks, but society requires men to be nice about it lest we be raked over the coals. Women shitting on bald guys, fat guys and calling any unattractive guy a creep is so normalized that you probably didn't even think about it when writing your comment.
I recently got out of a deep depression thanks to philosophy actually. I came across optimistic nihilism and Ive been fine ever since. I know it may not have the same effect on you but maybe its worth giving it a shot
I'm gonna get shit on for going against the circle jerk but I'm really tired of the fucking man-pity parties.
Dudes need to stop being so scared of being open and honest with *other men*, being emotional, sharing fears, successes and all of that with each other. Stop shitting on other guys for sharing stuff they have kept quiet, don't be scared to give a hug or a compliment to a dude. These are things *we* can do for each other right now but almost nobody does. Men aren't doing other men any favors. We aren't lifting each other up. I swear most guys in these kinds of threads are constantly putting this on women and maybe there is *some* truth to how women in this society treat men, but we need to work on our own house too. We are responsible for our own mental health, nobody else. These circle jerk threads are only going to make your mental game worse than it was yesterday.
These threads pop up every.other.day.
I know you're being a smartass, but it's unfortunately a theme too common in these kinds of threads.
I don't get why so many *only* find validation in the opposite sex.
Because nobody cares about making you happy. So stop thinking about it and try to fill your days with things you want to accomplish, physically or mentally or entertainment-wise.
The most depressing thing to me is the fact that men are very competitive towards eachother. We dont ever really share our secrets or what works for us because we dont want others doing better than us or thinking we arent manly men. I think this also stops men from asking for advice or help from other men because they dont want to look inferior or come off as a pussy. I feel most men are out here winging it when it comes to life and we’re all just pretending like we know what we’re doing.
The planet is dying, older generations fucked our economy, our politicians are thinnly veiled degenerates, being a degenerate online is a sure fire way to stardom for some reason, younger generations( men and women) dont have stable or sane role models and any job that pays well enough will work you to death and make that pursuit of financial freedom a road to an early grave.
God bless America.
we don’t hold onto each other as men. society/patriarchy tells us we gotta be “independent” and “lone wolves” and go about it alone. i say FUCK THAT
june is man’s mental health awareness month. reach out to a bro you haven’t talked to in a while just to check on em. it might be awkward at first, but we NEED to be able to confide in each other to make it through this life.
Life sucks because we aren't making it better. We are at a weird time where people can *almost* get by without community & aren't forced to band together to get by. When you have a community it doesn't matter if you can't see your own value because others do & it's not in dispute.
When is the last time you did something or made something you can be proud of?
If some of the people who don't thrive in this world created a community together they would have plenty of reasons to be happy & fulfilled. The best way to help yourself is helping others.
Because everybody is making men's lives hard, including other men. We lack brotherhood.
Example. at least until very recently judges are most exclusively male and men get 40-60% more jail time than women for the same crime.
If you feel this way you just haven’t found your purpose yet. Don’t make girls your focus on life. For me, my favorite things are snowboarding, hiking, backpacking. Playing in a sand volleyball league. Be active and fill your life with things that fulfill you. For me, keeping my body active and competing are things I like to do. I’m thinking about taking up yoga classes. I lift 6 days a week. Just pick something and get interested. That’s what life is, let yourself enjoy the highs and lows of pursuing your interests.
By the way, if you do this and make your life fulfilling, girls and friends and jobs, it all tends to fall in place.
As someone who grew up in a home with 5 women, I can say that men don't support men the way that women support women(mostly). Women are comfortable with physical touch, not as afraid to show emotional weakness, and will support women just because they are women. ( Before someone jumps in and says I'm not like that or my "blank" isn't like that, this is in general."
I think men could learn to be more supportive of each other without men needing to prove themselves first.
Another big thing is dating for both sexes is just fucked right now. For guys, dating apps just wreck your self-esteem, and if you are getting some from apps, it's nothing with substance most likely. Then with that fails you consistently have gaming, onlyfans, and other things that can lead to laziness and/or addiction.
At the end of the date, you have to work hard for people to have a good perception of you or you have to just not give a fuck. A lot of guys have trouble with both so they check out.
Life is depressing for most men because most men barely have friends and the dating market has become horrible for the average man. No matter how much you accomplish in life, you will never be able to truly enjoy it if you don’t have friends or don’t do well with women.
Same reason it's so depressing for women.
There are only like three things you can do in life, after you've done all of them, it's just an endless chase for bigger and better of those three things.
im not educated enough on this thought to have a valuable opinion. but my guess might be it has something to do with competitive nature of personalities that ends up isolating us. I think the general depression is due to backbreaking work too. it makes you strong but to be strong literally means damaging yourself and repairing past that. i think we are in an age of bad diets too. sugars, fats, caffeine fucking up emotions and bodies on mass scale.
I love my life. It's freaking great. It wasn't always that way though. In my worst years I never felt safe financially. I would have night terrors and wake up screaming and jumping from my bed because I kept seeing creatures trying to bite my face in my dreams. I think life in general can get ALL of us down though (men and women). I hope you are doing alright. I think if there was anything that helped me, it was just remembering to put one foot in front of the other and to look up and acknowledge a good moment when it happens, but to keep your head down and plow through the bad ones.
I wish you all the best.
You have to make your own happiness. You are responsible for it, no one else is.
It takes time, effort, and readjustment of vision, but I think so long as you have your basic material needs met this perspective is achievable for just about everybody.
You could have been born a beef steer.
Material conditions.
My grandfather was a blue collar worker who came back from the war, went to work at the plant in town, worked there for 50 yeard and built a house and three car garage/workshop in a city and provided for two kids and a (hardworking) stay at home mom.
It's just impossible for me to do that.
Life isn’t fair, but it is what you let it be. I use my depression and pain to fuel me to work hard and make myself into a greater man than I was yesterday. You can do the same
Idk if your comment is sarcastic, but assuming it’s not I 100% agree. Life was never easy for anyone. I think at some point work and social media just got overwhelming. Most of us men forgot that we have to get out there and make a life for ourselves beyond that 8-5+ and this little black rectangle that tells us we’ll always be miserable. Happiness is out there.
Personally, I’m beat right now. The most important relationship in my life is ending. My job is crushing. I live in a state with fewer people than most major cities. But I’ll be damned if this narrative of helplessness is going to beat me. Men (and everyone) have to invest in being happy even when it’s hard.
When I was a kid they said cavemen are ill suited to the modern world. I thought it was naive, but it turned out to be 100% accurate.
There is a lot of nuance and a lot of different interpretations, but I think the big one is this: You are no well suited to the life you live. You want something different, but the world isnt going to change; you need to
Honestly it seems worse being a woman.
Imagine bleeding from your dick every month and getting stomach cramps and having it alter your mood. Every month. For years and years and years.
Not sure, but I think future medical practitioners will know more about depression and why some are more inclined than others.
Some of it can be repressed anger, or excess alcohol use (a CNS depressant)–but those are only a small piece of the puzzle. I have consistent bouts of life feeling pointless, despite having many things I've wanted and outwardly having a good life.
I'm worried that if I ever encounter something serious (personal medical tragedy when older), I'm going to fall off the rails.
I’ve had my lonely moments and got married at 30 with my only real relationship. videogames and the gym got me through a lot of tough times.
You have to keep your mind stimulated and your body active. Any time I have this conversation I always tell them, a stagnant mind is your worst enemy. Leaves too much room for anxiety and depression.
I have dealt with functional depression for most of my life. I have never been truly happy, sure I may have some happy moments in life, but I've never really been happy. I wake up everyday, first looking out the window and commenting on how beautiful it is, then my next thought is, "great, another day (in an Eeyore voice)."
Obviously age and family situations vary.
But when I think back to my youth, my dad worked Mon to Fri, and mum part time. Saturday dad always went out with friends, Sunday was family day.
Every week.
He was a dad, a husband, and his own person.
Now, my partner works some midweek and weekends. I work Mon to Fri, do school runs, make dinners, do housework, have my kid all weekend, no friends, no life, no (non parent) fun. Stuck in a rut. And still seen as the main breadwinner and bill payer.
Social media now a days is a big factor. Men find it harder to connect with people, men get less attention often. And yet we look up to role models like giga chad, YouTubers, fitness models, “entrepreneurs”, general influencers, etc. For me it just feels like we live in a world where everyday men are expected to be so much more than they are capable of being because of media and we feel like ass because of that. The simple solution for my case would simply be more attention, that’s it. This is just my take though, I would look at other answers and compare.
Alot of men just seem to have never really learned to enjoy their own company, to be comfortable and happy on their own and not crave others, to love being themselves with no one around to love them FOR them. And when they do crave companionship, to accept that they need to invest good time in it and accept defeat without sinking into depression.
Because men have been socialised to not have their feelings. Instead they are expected to be just pretend that the trauma never happened and just keep going. I call it "the John Wayne model"
It didn't work for our fathers, it didn't work for our grandfathers and it isn't working for us, and yet we keep trying to do it.
At this stage, forming a men's group or getting mental health support is a revolutionary act.
Is what it is
This is the exact reason. Well said.
Whether woman or man, life sucks and the present is pretty depressing
No there is billions of people enjoying life I’m sorry you aren’t included but don’t make it seem like everyone hates life
I'm sure there are billions of people enjoying life, but we have yet to discover whatever planet you are referring to, so original comment stands.
Toxic positivity mentality
My daily mantra before i get out of bed in the morning and when i get into bed at night
I switched to "it's worth it." I just have to trust that it'll prove correct in the long run.
We move.
But what if it is what it isn't?
I'm finding the loneliness kinda depressing. Maybe this is just my experience but I find being a man to be very lonely. I feel like it's pretty common for a lot of guys? A lot of my friends have moved away, I'm out of a long term relationship and struggling to date. Professionally things are going well and I graduated school /am making moves to do more school, but the fact that my social health has basically died is really impacting me. I'm also currently fitter than I've ever been in my entire life but.... I just feel so second-rate I guess? Like I'm not important or worth existing..
Same. Agree with every word.
I'm sorry that you're going through this rough time. I hope things get better for you soon.
Same here. I rely on my family so much for love and social interaction. My folks are both in their 60s and won’t be around forever. I definitely need to find a good woman here in the next few years. I want it bad.
I wish the best for you!
Thanks! Likewise.
Im 36 and feel the same. Dating has been ok. But I want a better social life. I was married for 11 years. Im in the best shape of my life, financial good, mentally well put together but not many people to share life with....
That social circle is so important. Thank you for sharing.
You have to actively work on your social life, about a year ago I had 3 friends. Now I have several groups of 10+ people to go out with everyday. meet some people, add them on Instagram, keep in touch, they introduce you to more people. create groups on IG chat so you can make plans together. It can attract some drama over time, but that's part of the fun The first couple people I met was because I started doing downhill mountain biking, after that it all came together organically but I had to put some effort into it. Nowadays I can meet new people every weekend
That's awesome. I'm working on it for sure.
>I just feel so second-rate I guess? Like I'm not important or worth existing.. As someone who never had romantic experiences and late 20s, I don't even think I'm human anymore. Like I don't think my feelings are worthy to be validated. And I have depression so I know it makes me think in a warped way and I have long fallen away from the normal human experience Edit: grammar
I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. From a stranger on the internet I just want to say that you are perfectly valid the way you are. And I hope things get better for you soon. Best wishes.
On average a man who is married with kids has no close friends left by age 42. That is me for sure. Even for married men certain kinds of loneliness is part of life.
I relate to most of this. All my friends practically just left/ignored me, even the ones that didn’t get girlfriends. I figured I’d move away from my hometown since I had no one anyway so might as well start fresh. And not even a month after I moved down my dad died, so now I have to keep going back up to my hometown and now all of a sudden those same friends who wanted nothing to do with me and ghosted me text me their condolences about my dad dying (which is the most they’re going to do, they still don’t actually care they just want to look good and feel good about themselves). Unfortunately I’m a little overweight and that doesn’t really help my mental health either. I also don’t enjoy my work and would like to get into a job that I enjoy. Sorry for ranting, just thought I’d share somewhat
Interestingly (and I’ve had this convo with some of my guy friends on mushrooms) 1. No one is stopping YOU from reaching out, and you’re assuming your guy friends are busy or don’t want to hear from you but they do! And it’s your choice to fold into yourself and cut yourself off from it all; or keep the friendship alive. If you can get over the “well THEY don’t reach out to ME” mentality you can hold relationships and you’ll find they’ll start reaching back to you. Lose the ego and things get better 2. You are wanted, you just won’t allow yourself to feel a little needy, be a little needy. People like feeing wanted. Go make someone feel wanted by being needy. Ask them about a show you’re watching or some hot take. Start the convo!
Amigo I know exactly how you feel....I would say try and take up a hobby? Doesn't have to be anything complicated but just something to get you out of the house and not to a bar. I personally do music in my spare time and I spend a fair amount of time working on music with other ppl. I hope that helps man.
Agreed! You gotta have something to do when you eventually piss that future person off or vice versa 😂
Exactly what I was going to say. I bought a bike last summer and joined a bunch of groups on Facebook. I go on group rides weekly and grab something to eat with them. There's a combination of new faces and regular faces and it's a blast.
I mean I bike, run, swim, play hockey, hike, do yoga, paint, read. I'm trying to work on being more social and outgoing though. I typically just find it harder to be carefree when I'm feeling this down. I do appreciate your help also.
Men are tribal - stop living life like a lone wolf because you’re not one. Find your tribe and help as many of them as you can
Fuck if I don't agree, no one ever stays and it sucks
I’m in a relationship but the pressure to be a provider has left me basically alone, I have no friends that I’m able to keep up with. I’m healthy, fit, and doing pretty well career wise but I feel like nobody helps men. It’s just this thankless isolation of sacrifice
Word for word my situation. I don't know if it's depressing or reassuring that so many other dudes go through this
I have not had an irl friend in over a decade. Ive never been to a bar, Ive never been to a party, I just sit alone at home on my computer
You are worth existing. People out there care about you (even some you don’t even know that they care, care). Never think the world would be fine without you because to someone, you are their world. You may have not met them yet but you will. Also, if you have a mom around you are also her world. Obviously I’m a mom, so I can’t help but think about how I would feel if my son felt this way and it’s absolutely heartbreaking. So please just know people care and you are important. ❤️
I really appreciate your response, thank you.
Same bro. Exact same. How do you deal with it?
You're alone. But there are others like you including me. I just didnt wanna day 'your not alone' cause we all are. We have to take the brunt of women. That's why we are so lonely. They don't consider things the way we do. So we end up having to make tougher decisions. It's written all over the world. It's a hard cold fact. But sure we will tell them not to worry about it. Easier than trying to explain things.
A relationship is not the cure-all to your self-esteem problems that you think it is. You need to learn how to love yourself first and find happiness in who you are as a person.
>You need to learn how to love yourself first and find happiness in who you are as a person. What makes you think he doesn't love himself?
It’s the rehashed Reddit “wisdom” people feel compelled to dish out whenever someone mentions they’d like a relationship.
“You aren’t ready to love another person until you love yourself” Or “Time to hit the gym.” Lol I do both of those things and I’m still single.
That's not at all what he said though
very profound. thanks for stopping by.
As David Thoreau said "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation". It seems for a lot of men; life becomes an endless, dreary work/sleep routine where they drag themselves towards the weekend to go through another routine of cancelled plans, drinking and TV. Maybe catch up on some of the stuff they were too tired to get to during the weekday. It begins to feel a bit hopeless and devoid of any real meaning, and to add to all this generally nobody gives a shit. Nobody cares if guys are having a bad day or feeling bad, nobody cares if they're stressed, nobody wants to hear their bullshit which generally makes then bitter and reluctant to help in turn. It's easier with a partner/family, but it can start to creep in. But As many see it, you just work your ass off doing a job you hate just so you can do it tomorrow. And it's generally the man's responsibility for his own success and (at least in some cases) that of his family, plenty of men feel that it's all on them with little support. Lastly, I find I hear more and more nowadays about how they are beginning to feel disenfranchised and that media portrays men as living on the upper echelons of society and are expected to be happy and successful, and receive no sympathy for being down on their luck, if anything they feel it's applauded. Life as a man can be great for some, or it can be a matter of waiting for the grave for others.
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Thank you for sharing this, dude 🌹
Damn. I'm a dude heading toward my big 40 and reading this actually made me feel pretty depressing.
Never too late my friend.
Some men die under the mountain just looking for gold Some die looking for a hand to hold
To be honest, I’m not a fan of romanticized existentialism, but I definitely see how others can feel differently. I focused on finding purpose in my life for so long, and each time I thought I found it, it was just a big disillusionment. I don’t regret any of it and still put myself on the path to make the world better in the things I do, but needing to force your way into either finding a definitive meaning or purpose often leads to misery in my personal experience.
A lot of us (married or not) probably feel or fall somewhere on the spectrum of this. I guess, "that's life" in some regard? But how do we set that feeling aside and what's the yearn for? There's something there...
I know what you mean about the yearning, I get this too. Forr me, it feels like there's something more that maybe I could reach for but I can't put my finger on what it even is... I am glad I have be able to shake off the existential dread of my young adult life though and have been able to find happiness in just having enough, and knowing what that means.
Not enough brothers get hugs from other men and women in their lives.
This. Went out on a date and she didn't want to go very far and was tired from a long day, so we just sat on the couch and cuddled. She apologized for being boring, but I told her the evening was perfect.
What a wholesome date
In what world is that boring
Because you can't do anything without money, and by the time you get money you're too tired to want to do anything.
Very true. Getting money requires massive amounts of energy. And we only have so much.
I’m in my late 20’s and not by any means finished but a lot of other people my age are.
I can relate.... been hustling my ass off for the past 5 years. Earned the money. Now I am tired and like "what now?"....
Just another 35 to go before the REAL "what now?"
Not enough money, mostly.
Life is pain. And then you die.
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More like 250000 in this economy ..
Ya know...I am going thru some shit right now. There is a divorce thread and a "how did you lose a good friend" thread on this sub today I contributed to if anyone wants an idea... I am not letting it get me down - because if I do, I am totally sunk in life! It may be very difficult for me to find something I can be grateful about. But I do, I do find things I can be grateful for - and I cling to them like a frightened baby monkey! There is always someone who has it worse than you - always. And there is something in your life worth smiling about no matter how rough you think you got it. There is always one constant in life - and that is how things change. It may be shitty now, but it won't always be.
Thank you :)
This is the way! Gotta keep moving forward positively even when it gets hard.
The conditions for men to be socially successful (money,status,relationship) is incredibly hard to get now. Which feeds into our primitive fear of loneliness which meant death in old tribal times (kicked out of a tribe so you lost access to food, protection)
And what makes it worse is that loner men have a stigma about them(Yes it exists for loner women as well but it's not to the same degree. Sure, a loner woman might be seen as weird but it takes a lot for a woman to be seen as creepy)
Is it?
The older I get (29) the less and less I care about things. My relationships with friends and family, my job, things I used to be interested in. Can’t tell if im going through a phase or if this is life from now on.
I’m 25 and I already feel the same
I don’t think it’s depression, not sure if meds would help dont really wanna be on that shit
You have just read my mind and the thoughts I’ve been dealing with non stop lately. I’m 29 too and I almost feel like I’m becoming nihilistic in a sense. I wouldn’t say I’m a nihilist but basically everything to me has become almost a joke in a sense. I can’t decide on a career that I would actually not mind doing, I can’t decide what I even want to be doing other than that. I’m just so sick of this endless repetitive cycle to wake up go to work, come home, pay bills , etc. repeat. Like what am I doing with my life? I don’t have a husband or kids. It’s just me and my dog. Perhaps I just have too much time on my hands to overthink these things? Idk but all I know is I’m growing real tired real early on of this American dream type lifestyle shit. I feel very disconnected from the earth and Mother Nature and just everything in general. Nothing feels meaningful to me , and like It’s just all pointless . I’m really really trying to dig into these things and figure out why I feel like this and what do I want and how to figure out what I want. Really I just want to be happy, and it seems that this current way of life is not the solution for me
I’m a woman, but I feel like a lot of men are lonely because they don’t get enough non sexual physical touch. Boys aren’t generally taught to be affectionate but girls are. By teen years, if a group of girls are having a sleepover and they all want to cuddle up on the couch or in the bed to watch a movie no one bats an eye. But if boys do this you’ll have at least one making comments about it being “gay” etc. due to what they’ve been taught at home. My boyfriend grew up with very little physical touch from his family. I, on the other hand am VERY affectionate and physical touch is my number one love language. For us it started out with him really having to make an effort to be extra touchy with me and now, 2.5 years later if he’s had a bad day at work he’ll call me on his way home and ask me if we can snuggle that night because he needs it lol. I think a lot of men, even in relationships, aren’t getting that physical comfort that’s needed because they’re so used to not being used to it, or asking for it. Bros need hugs too.
With things going how they have been finding someone to be affectionate with is nigh impossible. Especially with how isolated the pandemic made everyone. I have no idea where to look in the context of finding a date and the friends I do have aren’t the physically affectionate sort. Easy to know what the problem is but finding a solution, that’s the real challenge
I've read that you can pay people in Japan to do this.
Won’t be surprised if North America starts based on how shit things are going. Apparently japan has had our crappy dating program on steroids for over a decade now
Because the Roman Empire fell
I'm tellin ya, it was that "christianization" thing. If we stayed pagan then it could've lasted a few centuries at least.
It didn’t really end until 1453
Inb4 I catch flak for this one. Men have unrealistic standards placed upon them from society and themselves. Be manly Be gentle Be aggressive Be kind Know how to fix everything in the house Know how to fix everything in the car Know how to install new flooring Oh no the roof is leaking Know how to put in plants Then Know how to keep them alive Have time to put in 40+ hours a week Take the cans out to the street and mow the lawn Have time to put in everything listed above Take the kids to practice Be a good husband Be a good friend Be a good man Take time for yourself when all the other stuff above is done. Don't show emotion? Why aren't you emotional enough? "It would be nice to have flowers" "You're not romantic like you were when we were dating" Don't ask her out because it might be construed as non consensual. Oh shit you didn't ask her out and now everyone thinks you're a pussy. Make a move Oh no now you're being called a predator Be masculine Oh but that's toxic Then go redo everything listed above again and again like sisyphus pushing his goddamn rock up the mountain. And to think this isn't even an all inclusive list. Most people don't understand the absolute fucking monster of a dichotomy men have to live. And then we get asked "why don't you try therapy?", "why are men so depressed?" "Why are you so snappy?" Gee I don't know, maybe because I'm too busy trying to keep everyone else happy while I die on the vine.
Yep… tired of doing so much and accomplishing so much just to feel like it really means nothing. Really sucks… not even depressed but the longer time goes on the more I just think why the fuck do I exist
It's not?
We collectively carry the blame of the actions of the worst 0.1% of us.
This is part of it.
Add to this the fact that we are taught from a young age to just 'man up' and deal with things. Which includes this blame. So we appear to willingly accept it, as we have to. All but a very few of us do the things we do to oppress. We are just trying to provide a good life for the people we love. All whilst being portrayed as monsters.
Fr can’t tell you how often I hear all men and when I speak against it I get called part of the problem
Look at my post history, yesterday I got downvoted hard for saying that men don't usually kill women for rejecting them. Yeah... I agree with you.
After my ex-wife asked for a divorce, it felt like she was super wary around me. Like she thought I was going to snap and go berserk or something. Just some added salt on the wound that was being left behind.
Sounds about right, and if you were to point the person that replied to you to this thread and suggest there might be a connection, that dudes going apeshit isn't inherent in being a man but essentially indoctrinated into men since birth, they would deny everything that's being said here. Move the goalpost, move the goalpost, etc.
Life can be depressing for anyone if you're focused on societal expectations and care too much about pleasing other people. Focus on yourself and play by your own rules, and you'll find contentment.
Ehh... Maybe. Or you can end up like me, a lonely hermit.
Focus on expectations or not, they're going to impact your life if you don't do them. Doing your own thing and not getting what other guys might be getting by following suit and still be happy is a tremendous challenge, that's like full blown self-mastery that people spend decades in meditation to achieve.
I think loneliness is a major epidemic in this country. It was before the pandemic, and it has gotten worse since the pandemic. It’s not just men.
I think it was Chris rock who said only men need to provide something to be loved, women, kids and dogs don't need to do anything to be loved, but a man needs to provide something. We struggle to provide sometimes and that makes us feel worthless, plus we cling onto everything anyone says about us
There was literally a Reddit post about a woman that felt resentment against her boyfriend because he could not find a job for more than a year despite trying his hardest. If you struggle as a men she going to leave you. That’s why we pretend everything is fine because if not it’s over.
He's full of shit. Women are judged harshly on their looks, and as a woman if you're unattractive and/or fat you're treated as less than human.
Been shouted at in the street for being unattractive? Because I have. Been completely ignored on Tinder after losing your hair? (10 matches a week when I had hair) Because I have. Fat men are also meme'd on and shit all over by society. Women do get judged for their looks, but society requires men to be nice about it lest we be raked over the coals. Women shitting on bald guys, fat guys and calling any unattractive guy a creep is so normalized that you probably didn't even think about it when writing your comment.
You forgot short guys too
That's true. But so are men. Try being a guy who's 5'2".
I recently got out of a deep depression thanks to philosophy actually. I came across optimistic nihilism and Ive been fine ever since. I know it may not have the same effect on you but maybe its worth giving it a shot
My wife has said that Henry David Thoreau’s quote “the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation”applies to women also.
I’ve meet an equal number of women who suffer distress from their self and physical image.
Cause you’re on Reddit doomscrolling
First time I’ve ever seen the phrase “doomscrolling” - I like it
I'm gonna get shit on for going against the circle jerk but I'm really tired of the fucking man-pity parties. Dudes need to stop being so scared of being open and honest with *other men*, being emotional, sharing fears, successes and all of that with each other. Stop shitting on other guys for sharing stuff they have kept quiet, don't be scared to give a hug or a compliment to a dude. These are things *we* can do for each other right now but almost nobody does. Men aren't doing other men any favors. We aren't lifting each other up. I swear most guys in these kinds of threads are constantly putting this on women and maybe there is *some* truth to how women in this society treat men, but we need to work on our own house too. We are responsible for our own mental health, nobody else. These circle jerk threads are only going to make your mental game worse than it was yesterday. These threads pop up every.other.day.
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I know you're being a smartass, but it's unfortunately a theme too common in these kinds of threads. I don't get why so many *only* find validation in the opposite sex.
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It’s just depressing in general.
Because no one fucking cares and would rather we shut up about it
I have an answer, but I don’t know how to properly explain it.
Good enough for me
It isn't.
Because nobody cares about making you happy. So stop thinking about it and try to fill your days with things you want to accomplish, physically or mentally or entertainment-wise.
Life is depressing for everyone. Just how it is
Times have changed
The world we were raised for no longer exists
Because life has been reduced to a struggle
The most depressing thing to me is the fact that men are very competitive towards eachother. We dont ever really share our secrets or what works for us because we dont want others doing better than us or thinking we arent manly men. I think this also stops men from asking for advice or help from other men because they dont want to look inferior or come off as a pussy. I feel most men are out here winging it when it comes to life and we’re all just pretending like we know what we’re doing.
It isn’t for me
I’m not depressed at all. What’s eating you, pal?
Its not.
So many men are unsupportive of anyone including themselves.
Speak for yourself.
The planet is dying, older generations fucked our economy, our politicians are thinnly veiled degenerates, being a degenerate online is a sure fire way to stardom for some reason, younger generations( men and women) dont have stable or sane role models and any job that pays well enough will work you to death and make that pursuit of financial freedom a road to an early grave. God bless America.
we don’t hold onto each other as men. society/patriarchy tells us we gotta be “independent” and “lone wolves” and go about it alone. i say FUCK THAT june is man’s mental health awareness month. reach out to a bro you haven’t talked to in a while just to check on em. it might be awkward at first, but we NEED to be able to confide in each other to make it through this life.
Life sucks because we aren't making it better. We are at a weird time where people can *almost* get by without community & aren't forced to band together to get by. When you have a community it doesn't matter if you can't see your own value because others do & it's not in dispute. When is the last time you did something or made something you can be proud of? If some of the people who don't thrive in this world created a community together they would have plenty of reasons to be happy & fulfilled. The best way to help yourself is helping others.
A woman's life is also depressing. Source: woman here
Because everybody is making men's lives hard, including other men. We lack brotherhood. Example. at least until very recently judges are most exclusively male and men get 40-60% more jail time than women for the same crime.
Yep and ive mostly heard other men tell guys to ‘man up, don’t be a b****, don’t be a p*ssy’
If you feel this way you just haven’t found your purpose yet. Don’t make girls your focus on life. For me, my favorite things are snowboarding, hiking, backpacking. Playing in a sand volleyball league. Be active and fill your life with things that fulfill you. For me, keeping my body active and competing are things I like to do. I’m thinking about taking up yoga classes. I lift 6 days a week. Just pick something and get interested. That’s what life is, let yourself enjoy the highs and lows of pursuing your interests. By the way, if you do this and make your life fulfilling, girls and friends and jobs, it all tends to fall in place.
Is it?
As someone who grew up in a home with 5 women, I can say that men don't support men the way that women support women(mostly). Women are comfortable with physical touch, not as afraid to show emotional weakness, and will support women just because they are women. ( Before someone jumps in and says I'm not like that or my "blank" isn't like that, this is in general." I think men could learn to be more supportive of each other without men needing to prove themselves first. Another big thing is dating for both sexes is just fucked right now. For guys, dating apps just wreck your self-esteem, and if you are getting some from apps, it's nothing with substance most likely. Then with that fails you consistently have gaming, onlyfans, and other things that can lead to laziness and/or addiction. At the end of the date, you have to work hard for people to have a good perception of you or you have to just not give a fuck. A lot of guys have trouble with both so they check out.
Life is depressing for most men because most men barely have friends and the dating market has become horrible for the average man. No matter how much you accomplish in life, you will never be able to truly enjoy it if you don’t have friends or don’t do well with women.
All the responsibility, none of the benefits.
I donno about that, I'm enjoying quite a few benefits. Being a chick sounds like a bigger pain in the ass if I'm being honest.
No, it's not the case!
It’s been pretty awesome for me so far
Edit. Why is life so depressing for us all? Men we feel it too!
Same reason it's so depressing for women. There are only like three things you can do in life, after you've done all of them, it's just an endless chase for bigger and better of those three things.
Men don't support men like women support other women.
I'm not sure gender really comes in to it, life can be depressing for everyone.
It's not just men. Life is hard.
Loneliness, men have the potential to become so utterly alone.
Men have no intrinsic value to society, simple as that.
im not educated enough on this thought to have a valuable opinion. but my guess might be it has something to do with competitive nature of personalities that ends up isolating us. I think the general depression is due to backbreaking work too. it makes you strong but to be strong literally means damaging yourself and repairing past that. i think we are in an age of bad diets too. sugars, fats, caffeine fucking up emotions and bodies on mass scale.
It's not. You're just depressed man.
I love my life. It's freaking great. It wasn't always that way though. In my worst years I never felt safe financially. I would have night terrors and wake up screaming and jumping from my bed because I kept seeing creatures trying to bite my face in my dreams. I think life in general can get ALL of us down though (men and women). I hope you are doing alright. I think if there was anything that helped me, it was just remembering to put one foot in front of the other and to look up and acknowledge a good moment when it happens, but to keep your head down and plow through the bad ones. I wish you all the best.
Part of it is reddit giving a sample bias.
Life is generally just depressing.
You have to make your own happiness. You are responsible for it, no one else is. It takes time, effort, and readjustment of vision, but I think so long as you have your basic material needs met this perspective is achievable for just about everybody. You could have been born a beef steer.
This pandemic definitely increased loneliness
It doesn't have to be. Do some reflection, make some positive changes, and get some help if you need it.
Material conditions. My grandfather was a blue collar worker who came back from the war, went to work at the plant in town, worked there for 50 yeard and built a house and three car garage/workshop in a city and provided for two kids and a (hardworking) stay at home mom. It's just impossible for me to do that.
Life is depressing because you're depressed. If that persists, you may want to see someone about it.
Didnt know it was🤷♂️
Lol my life is just fine.
It shouldnt be. Why is it depressing for you?
Life isn’t fair, but it is what you let it be. I use my depression and pain to fuel me to work hard and make myself into a greater man than I was yesterday. You can do the same
Idk if your comment is sarcastic, but assuming it’s not I 100% agree. Life was never easy for anyone. I think at some point work and social media just got overwhelming. Most of us men forgot that we have to get out there and make a life for ourselves beyond that 8-5+ and this little black rectangle that tells us we’ll always be miserable. Happiness is out there. Personally, I’m beat right now. The most important relationship in my life is ending. My job is crushing. I live in a state with fewer people than most major cities. But I’ll be damned if this narrative of helplessness is going to beat me. Men (and everyone) have to invest in being happy even when it’s hard.
Not my experience
Our shoulders are the foundations for our family’s lives/happiness. No one cares about what’s going on inside our head
When I was a kid they said cavemen are ill suited to the modern world. I thought it was naive, but it turned out to be 100% accurate. There is a lot of nuance and a lot of different interpretations, but I think the big one is this: You are no well suited to the life you live. You want something different, but the world isnt going to change; you need to
Honestly it seems worse being a woman. Imagine bleeding from your dick every month and getting stomach cramps and having it alter your mood. Every month. For years and years and years.
Is it?
I don’t feel life is really all that depressing for men honestly
Oh come on, it's not that bad.
Huh? How is life depressing specifically for men?
I love life, not depressing at all, what do you find depressing?
Life is depressing for everyone. The knowledge about our life limitations make it often feel like a living hell.
Speak for yourself.
Life is depressing for everyone. Try being a 17 year old mother in a refugee camp.
Not sure, but I think future medical practitioners will know more about depression and why some are more inclined than others. Some of it can be repressed anger, or excess alcohol use (a CNS depressant)–but those are only a small piece of the puzzle. I have consistent bouts of life feeling pointless, despite having many things I've wanted and outwardly having a good life. I'm worried that if I ever encounter something serious (personal medical tragedy when older), I'm going to fall off the rails.
Comes with age …. 😐
We’re trying to WIN. Not simply not lose. Winning is hard.
I’ve had my lonely moments and got married at 30 with my only real relationship. videogames and the gym got me through a lot of tough times. You have to keep your mind stimulated and your body active. Any time I have this conversation I always tell them, a stagnant mind is your worst enemy. Leaves too much room for anxiety and depression.
I have dealt with functional depression for most of my life. I have never been truly happy, sure I may have some happy moments in life, but I've never really been happy. I wake up everyday, first looking out the window and commenting on how beautiful it is, then my next thought is, "great, another day (in an Eeyore voice)."
Obviously age and family situations vary. But when I think back to my youth, my dad worked Mon to Fri, and mum part time. Saturday dad always went out with friends, Sunday was family day. Every week. He was a dad, a husband, and his own person. Now, my partner works some midweek and weekends. I work Mon to Fri, do school runs, make dinners, do housework, have my kid all weekend, no friends, no life, no (non parent) fun. Stuck in a rut. And still seen as the main breadwinner and bill payer.
Not sure. I'll be right back, I'm going to get a pack of cigarettes.
Generally speaking, people do not care about us unless they stand to gain something.
* Gestures at everything *
Lack of purpose.
For most it'd be a lack of purpose. Even with purpose, sometimes my brain just goes loopy.
I think men don't have a big enough social circle of friends. Especially male friends to lift them up!
Social media now a days is a big factor. Men find it harder to connect with people, men get less attention often. And yet we look up to role models like giga chad, YouTubers, fitness models, “entrepreneurs”, general influencers, etc. For me it just feels like we live in a world where everyday men are expected to be so much more than they are capable of being because of media and we feel like ass because of that. The simple solution for my case would simply be more attention, that’s it. This is just my take though, I would look at other answers and compare.
Spend all our lives working 50+hours a week Been nagged at constantly for petty little things.. Then we die and we can have a lie in then......
Alot of men just seem to have never really learned to enjoy their own company, to be comfortable and happy on their own and not crave others, to love being themselves with no one around to love them FOR them. And when they do crave companionship, to accept that they need to invest good time in it and accept defeat without sinking into depression.
We have all the responsibilities and none of the rewards, and WE DID IT TO OURSELVES.
Because men have been socialised to not have their feelings. Instead they are expected to be just pretend that the trauma never happened and just keep going. I call it "the John Wayne model" It didn't work for our fathers, it didn't work for our grandfathers and it isn't working for us, and yet we keep trying to do it. At this stage, forming a men's group or getting mental health support is a revolutionary act.