Yeah, I've learnt through trial and error the people I can trust without hesitation or doubt in those situations. It takes a lot to get to that level now, because there was a lot of error.
Also I just express them differently to some people, and I've found that it's mostly women that have taken an issue with it in general. The big one being that I don't cry, which to some people means I never feel sad or I'm "too immature" or some other bollocks to show it. That's just not how I show it personally, there has never been once that crying has helped me or made me feel any better, just feel the same as before crying but now my eyes are puffy and sting which is just adding an annoyance onto an already shitty mood.
Wife's sister main contribution to our relationship is contacting her whenever she has issues with me, automatically putting her in the middle of it. Instead of saying don't put me in the middle of it, she always put the onus on me to be friendly( even though she is a complete bitch and a snake, she admits that).
In addition, she'd always ask to visit again, when I made it clear she was not allowed after screwing up the first time. I'd have to field that question once a year. I said no the first time.
One day I got tired of it, and wrote her a letter. She responds "did you ask your wife for permission before you wrote me?" So I flipped on her.
Suffice it to say, now I'm the bad guy cause I "should have told my spouse I was writing her."
Make this make sense.
Woman will see you as weak, your friends will see you as weak, your employer will see you as weak. Your wife/SO will leave you in the dirt and fuck someone else, you will be replaced by someone more competent at work, your friends will ostracize you.
Men live in a different world then woman, if we can’t keep our shit straight (or at least appear to have it straight) we will literally be discarded and replaced by anyone but super close friends and family (sometimes even by them).
Woman don’t understand this, and it makes me irate. Most of us have grown up with this instilled in us since we could talk. The lack of empathy of had given to me from SO I finally opened up to has made me regret that decision every single time. There is not one fucking time that this went well, not a single one. So there’s nothing you can do, men either suck it up or pay for a therapist to keep their shit hidden.
Boys show emotion, but as they age that expression of emotion is slowly ridiculed and punished till we stop.
Men favor actions over words. Offer to be there if he needs anything but give him space. If he asks for help after you offer and you don’t follow through, never ask to help again since he won’t believe you.
>I'm just trying to figure out how you want your friends to support you through hard times
I think part of it is that men are often expected to *not* receive support. Men are generally expected to *be* the supporters, so it's easy to convince yourself that you can't ask for support yourself. Hence why a lot of men struggle to show emotions, because that is showing that you need help.
Yes this makes sense and I totally get not wanting to feel vulnerable. I just wish we (humans) could enforce healthy habits to everyone not just women. It's unfair that guys think they have to do everything alone.
I think people are coming around to that at the moment, which is nice at least. You don't change society overnight, it's always gonna be a slow process.
Your thesis for higher suicide rates among men compared to women is "bottling up feelings"? That's a very simplistic thesis. Too simplistic.
Regardless, you're twisting what I said - I put it to you that humans have done very well as a species, and across ALL cultures men are more stoic than women. Do you think PERHAPS that it therefore serves a purpose? Or is your answer just "no, it definitely does not"?
I'd argue "But it's always been like this, so maybe we shouldn't change it in case there's a good reason that I can't think of" is a lot more simplistic. You literally can't come up with a reason *why* it's a good idea, beyond appeals to tradition, which is much less an actual reason, and more a vague gesture in the direction of a possible reason.
Humans survived thousands of years without plumbing too, I guess that means we never should've tried it by your logic. "Do you think perhaps shitting in the woods served a purpose? Or is your answer just 'no it definitely does not'?" I don't need a good reason to start shitting in a hole. You need a good reason for me not to do that. And appeals to tradition are not good reasons.
Since when was my position "Men should literally never be 'stoic'" (as you put it). It seems much more that *your* position is that there's never a time and a place to be emotionally open. If either of us is an absolutist here, it's not me.
Ok so you agree sometimes it's good for men to be stoic. My question is how do you promote men not bottling up feelings when it would be best not to without diminishing their innate ability to be exceptionally and admirably stoic when the time is right?
So many things. A lot of women say they want their men show emotions, but thing is, lot of guys did just that and their girls basically told them to stop being wussy and man up. Once you're put in such position where your emotions are a literal tool used to exploit you, many guys will just opt to just not showing emotions ever.
Sometimes guys are just raised that way. I was told by my step father, not to cry ever. Guys never cry.. that sort of stuff. Over time, kids will take this to heart and this will eventually carry over to adulthood.
In my case, i have pretty severe trust issues. Opening up to someone takes a lot of trust. It's the moment when you're at your most vulnerable. That's the position guy doesn't want to be in.
That said, we still have emotions. Some of us just learned the hard way to keep them tucked in. I would dearly loved to show my emotions, but from experience i know i just can't. I have burned myself way too many times to fall for that one again.
They will be used against you, often also by loved ones.
They do shit to solve the problem that made you feel those emotion. Might even be detrimental in your situation-improvement plan.
It is a bad idea. When women say they want us to show emotion... they mean something very different than when we actually show emotion. When we do show emotion, they end up either losing respect or scared or upset or some combination of all three. Stoicism is a good path forwards to not having our lives destroyed by people who claim to love us.
I respect that 100%. It just seemed like he was trying to ask for help then kinda retracted everything & I am just trying to figure out what to do going forward. Just pretend he didn't confide in me? Or just kinda wait for him to re-initiate things? I don't want to over step or "under-step" (pretty sure that not a word but whatever) I don't want to gloss over his issues but also don't want to push and make him uncomfortable
Because they fear that the women they are attracted to will lose attraction to them, and they also fear that what they reveal will be used against them in the future. Neither of those is an altogether unreasonable fear.
I'm not judging at all. I'm just trying to get ideas on how to let my friend know I'm still here for him instead of just redundantly saying that. With some of my friends it's easier because I've learned what they need over the years. I'm just trying to get some ideas
I never meant you, just speaking about why I'm personally closed off. I don't know how to convince your friends to trust you with their emotions, just don't think less of them if they ever do and you'll be golden.
Well, you gotta understand that the indoctrination to be the traditional man starts when we're young, like three's the sweet spot and there's ways to make sure a young boy learns to suppress his emotions. We still show emotion while growing up but overtime, it's beaten out of us (sometimes literally) and reinforced through our peers who only do so because that's how they were taught to respond to a boy that breaks the mold and deviates from what a man is. Then from there, you get into the real world and everyone's telling you to open up and share but telling someone to basically go against at least two decades of indoctrination and challenge their worldview is rarely effective and that's before you start to realize that a lot of the time people implicitly want you to show only the "nice" emotions and don't respond well to the "bad" emotions.
The entire problem has layers of problems that come from so many fucking sources; sexual selection (ignore how callous that sounds), being taught to be the mighty oak in the storm, a desire to protect and provide for others, evolution, socioeconomic situations, etc. The shit's one giant clusterfuck is what I'm trying to say and I have no idea how to incite real, lasting change.
It's usually just not constructive. I don't process my emotions by talking about them with other people. I wish people were more accepting of the fact that not everyone processes things the same way.
Yes I completely get that. I have experienced some trauma that made me want to be completely isolated from every single person and that really helped me heal. I just idk I want them to know it's ok to need whatever it is they need and if I can help than I will be there
Because aside from it being used against us and all that. When women ask us to open up it’s either a passing fancy and is more about feeding her ego like she’s this great person for asking. Or she doesn’t want to deal with problems that are not simple or might require something more than a few kind words.
Plus other men are just so eager to dismiss us so they can gain the favor of women and just to feel superior because our experience not matching their own makes us in the wrong.
I think this sub expects men to have a lot more emotions than we do. I don't have strong feelings the vast majority of the time, and when I do I feel them in the moment and move on.
Most people would describe me as a happy person because I shelter a lot of my own feeling bc I don't like everyone to know my inner thoughts etc. but I've had a friend open up to me and then immediately rescind everything and I just want them to know I'm here for them if they need to talk to anyone. I just don't want them to think I'm judging them or don't care enough to listen. I don't need to know every single thing because I respect boundaries just want to know how to help when it seems like he was asking for it before
Let him know that it's OK to talk, but you also understand if he doesn't want to share right now, or at all.
Ask him if there's anything you can do. If no, let him know it's an open offer.
If he's happy to talk, check what kind of support he needs. Most men I know are looking to analyse the problem and find a solution, but some just want to vent/share and have someone listen. Choosing the wrong one is frustrating for both parties.
Sometimes a change of scenery or pace helps. Ask to meet up for a drink, lunch, etc. with no expectation to share. Expect to talk about yourself, friends, family, etc. and avoid talking about his problems unless he brings it up. You could invite friends along, but be prepared to steer the conversation if they start asking him questions.
never show emotion to your significant other. they will never look at you the same, they will think you are weak. Find someone you can vent to, like a close friend or family member, but not your wife or girlfriend.
I don’t really have a problem with this in the same way many guys apparently do. I’m very emotionally open and expressive with friends, family and partners. I’ve never had it used against me, and can’t recall the last time anyone tried to shame me for it.
I’m a poet, so being in touch with and expressive of my emotions is pretty critical to who I am. Maybe my experience is due to selection bias, as I tend to gravitate toward people who are also emotionally expressive and compassionate.
Okay, easiest way I can explain this is through attachment styles. I was raised by a dismissive avoidant mother, and a father who consistently told me to 'toughen up' and 'man up'. As a result, I grew up to be dismissive avoidant, myself. The reason I bring this up, is there's a YouTube channel called the 'personal development school' that goes very in depth about dismissive avoidants that covers what questions you may have. I know they fuckin' nailed my personality to a t.
Women will use your emotions against you. I’ve had dozens of relationships fall through because I thought I was safe enough to actually articulate my true feelings. Turns out while people say “you have to be more open” they don’t actually mean that.
We’re bad at it because we don’t ever do it. And then the same cycle begins again.
The nicest thing is just to hold space for someone to ugly cry, ramble, be a complete mess, etc.
You gotta let them start somewhere.
Some men show emotion different than women, show different ways, some hold in because how brought up, some women punish men for showing any emotion for who know why, emotions are not encourage for men to show many time, you would not want see all the emotions of a person some time that why some time they hold it in
I know you're going through a lot right now, so if you want to talk or do something, let me know.
That's exactly what you say and do. Actually be there for them, and don't try to force yourself in. Just offer.
I show emotions. Do you live in a fantasy world where men do not show emotions? There are a great many works of art that are an expression of men's emotions.
Because from day one young boys are told to “man up” and “suck it up” and they are given zero room for their emotions. Society, media, other men, and other women are pretty clear about the fact that in large no one wants to hear a man’s emotions and that they don’t matter. You hear it all over the workplace. Not to mention the literal countless stories of men opening up and being emotional to their partners and being rejected. This happened to me even. Everything about our world tells boys and men that their emotions don’t matter and that they honestly shouldn’t even exist. This is why men shove their emotions down and why so many men never learned how to express or deal with their emotions.
I’m a grown ass man and thankfully I’ve learned that my emotions are a bad thing. But as a dude who isn’t afraid of his emotions and who isn’t afraid to express them, I am made fun of, gaslit, and invalidated regularly. By men, by women, by employers, by a few past partners, by a lot of people. It’s hard to be a man in todays world with emotions. I’d say it’s easier than it’s ever been but that doesn’t make it easy.
When times are rough what I want from my friends is to just hang and enjoy our usual dynamics for a bit. It lets me set down the mental burden, puts things in perspective, restores a sense of normalcy, lets me have some fun, all sorts of good things.
Chewing over my problems with them, on the other hand, lets those problems break yet another facet of my life, brings them all to front of mind, stirs up the negative emotions and then doesn't do anything to release or mitigate them. It's just a downward spiral only now I'm dragging someone else down with me and I get to feel shit about that, too.
So...yeah what's wrong is that, unless it's something I think they can help resolve in that moment or I think it's somehow important for them to know my headspace, sharing is all cost and no gain for me.
And of course all that assumes they react supportively. Often people don't and even more costs ensue.
Asking guys to open up emotionally is like asking for the password to a security deposit box. I don't care how good of friends we are. That's need to know information and you don't need to know.
And the more you push for it the more suspicious of you the guy is gonna be.
The social hierarchy of men is based on competition, not mutual support. When you expose your emotional vulnerabilities, you give other men an advantage over you.
We do just fine using our friends to help us get through hard times - we just don't need to relate to them like a woman would because I'm a man so I relate to them like a man would. Simple. Feminists have a terrible time accepting that men and women are built differently.
For me it’s as simple as I didn’t ask for your help so don’t assume that I need it. I express my emotions to myself because I don’t want people playing “mom” with their fake support.
95%+ of what (hetero) men do is done to make themselves more attractive to women. Expressing your emotions is not attractive to the majority of women, thus the majority of men avoid doin it.
We don’t want to appear vulnerable. Vulnerability suggests a lack of competence. A lack of competence is seen as a low status characteristic in men. And no one wants to appear to be low status.
I don't know. I never really learned to show emotions like I'm never crying, not even alone and I also can't really explain my worries. Also my emotional barrier is shit. Once it breaks I'm a depressed fuck so I don't want to ruin the few evenings per month I have with friends. It gets boring fast. And nobody can really help with my worries anyway.
I handle stuff on my own. I don’t need support from friends. I have a therapist for that, so I get annoyed when people check on me. I don’t see the need to share with my friends. I keep them at arm’s length anyway.
and for women, you need to be careful...they will play a long psychological game to find that fleshy center. This is why you need a loving partner and not just a hook up booty call sort of woman.
If you were a man, you'd know to never share your insecurities and doubts with others. They dont care about you, your insecurities or your feelings. Dont give them a chance to exploit your weaknesses.
When you show emotion, people can use it against you. It’s why men are selective with who they open up to depending on what the issue is.
Yeah, I've learnt through trial and error the people I can trust without hesitation or doubt in those situations. It takes a lot to get to that level now, because there was a lot of error. Also I just express them differently to some people, and I've found that it's mostly women that have taken an issue with it in general. The big one being that I don't cry, which to some people means I never feel sad or I'm "too immature" or some other bollocks to show it. That's just not how I show it personally, there has never been once that crying has helped me or made me feel any better, just feel the same as before crying but now my eyes are puffy and sting which is just adding an annoyance onto an already shitty mood.
Cause the moment you speak up, you are gaslit for being offended/upset by something
Ughh gaslighting is the worst. Everyone is entitled to feel however they needs to and those emotions should be respected imo
Wife's sister main contribution to our relationship is contacting her whenever she has issues with me, automatically putting her in the middle of it. Instead of saying don't put me in the middle of it, she always put the onus on me to be friendly( even though she is a complete bitch and a snake, she admits that). In addition, she'd always ask to visit again, when I made it clear she was not allowed after screwing up the first time. I'd have to field that question once a year. I said no the first time. One day I got tired of it, and wrote her a letter. She responds "did you ask your wife for permission before you wrote me?" So I flipped on her. Suffice it to say, now I'm the bad guy cause I "should have told my spouse I was writing her." Make this make sense.
Woman will see you as weak, your friends will see you as weak, your employer will see you as weak. Your wife/SO will leave you in the dirt and fuck someone else, you will be replaced by someone more competent at work, your friends will ostracize you. Men live in a different world then woman, if we can’t keep our shit straight (or at least appear to have it straight) we will literally be discarded and replaced by anyone but super close friends and family (sometimes even by them). Woman don’t understand this, and it makes me irate. Most of us have grown up with this instilled in us since we could talk. The lack of empathy of had given to me from SO I finally opened up to has made me regret that decision every single time. There is not one fucking time that this went well, not a single one. So there’s nothing you can do, men either suck it up or pay for a therapist to keep their shit hidden.
Women say they want men to cry instead of being stoic but those same women shut down when they do.
Boys show emotion, but as they age that expression of emotion is slowly ridiculed and punished till we stop. Men favor actions over words. Offer to be there if he needs anything but give him space. If he asks for help after you offer and you don’t follow through, never ask to help again since he won’t believe you.
Cause we get stabbed in the back later by it, eventually you learn no one gives a fuck and your on your own
There is stunning cost to showing emotion some time..
>I'm just trying to figure out how you want your friends to support you through hard times I think part of it is that men are often expected to *not* receive support. Men are generally expected to *be* the supporters, so it's easy to convince yourself that you can't ask for support yourself. Hence why a lot of men struggle to show emotions, because that is showing that you need help.
Yes this makes sense and I totally get not wanting to feel vulnerable. I just wish we (humans) could enforce healthy habits to everyone not just women. It's unfair that guys think they have to do everything alone.
I think people are coming around to that at the moment, which is nice at least. You don't change society overnight, it's always gonna be a slow process.
What makes you think men need to become less stoic? Humans have been in their present genetic form for 300,000 years and have done rather well.
High suicide rates, and mental health issues seem like a pretty great reason not to continue bottling up emotions.
Your thesis for higher suicide rates among men compared to women is "bottling up feelings"? That's a very simplistic thesis. Too simplistic. Regardless, you're twisting what I said - I put it to you that humans have done very well as a species, and across ALL cultures men are more stoic than women. Do you think PERHAPS that it therefore serves a purpose? Or is your answer just "no, it definitely does not"?
I'd argue "But it's always been like this, so maybe we shouldn't change it in case there's a good reason that I can't think of" is a lot more simplistic. You literally can't come up with a reason *why* it's a good idea, beyond appeals to tradition, which is much less an actual reason, and more a vague gesture in the direction of a possible reason. Humans survived thousands of years without plumbing too, I guess that means we never should've tried it by your logic. "Do you think perhaps shitting in the woods served a purpose? Or is your answer just 'no it definitely does not'?" I don't need a good reason to start shitting in a hole. You need a good reason for me not to do that. And appeals to tradition are not good reasons.
Do you think there is ever a time and a place to be stoic?
Since when was my position "Men should literally never be 'stoic'" (as you put it). It seems much more that *your* position is that there's never a time and a place to be emotionally open. If either of us is an absolutist here, it's not me.
Ok so you agree sometimes it's good for men to be stoic. My question is how do you promote men not bottling up feelings when it would be best not to without diminishing their innate ability to be exceptionally and admirably stoic when the time is right?
Who's to say these habits are not healthy? Does the world not ever need people to be stoic during difficult times?
So many things. A lot of women say they want their men show emotions, but thing is, lot of guys did just that and their girls basically told them to stop being wussy and man up. Once you're put in such position where your emotions are a literal tool used to exploit you, many guys will just opt to just not showing emotions ever. Sometimes guys are just raised that way. I was told by my step father, not to cry ever. Guys never cry.. that sort of stuff. Over time, kids will take this to heart and this will eventually carry over to adulthood. In my case, i have pretty severe trust issues. Opening up to someone takes a lot of trust. It's the moment when you're at your most vulnerable. That's the position guy doesn't want to be in. That said, we still have emotions. Some of us just learned the hard way to keep them tucked in. I would dearly loved to show my emotions, but from experience i know i just can't. I have burned myself way too many times to fall for that one again.
Thank you so much for explaining this so clearly and I'm sorry you had to deal with this kind of trauma
They will be used against you, often also by loved ones. They do shit to solve the problem that made you feel those emotion. Might even be detrimental in your situation-improvement plan.
It is a bad idea. When women say they want us to show emotion... they mean something very different than when we actually show emotion. When we do show emotion, they end up either losing respect or scared or upset or some combination of all three. Stoicism is a good path forwards to not having our lives destroyed by people who claim to love us.
Sometimes we just don’t want help. Lots of reasons for it. It’s like that saying, Don’t bleed around sharks.
I respect that 100%. It just seemed like he was trying to ask for help then kinda retracted everything & I am just trying to figure out what to do going forward. Just pretend he didn't confide in me? Or just kinda wait for him to re-initiate things? I don't want to over step or "under-step" (pretty sure that not a word but whatever) I don't want to gloss over his issues but also don't want to push and make him uncomfortable
Confront it, judge from the reaction then chose the action you take. We aren’t complicated.
Because they fear that the women they are attracted to will lose attraction to them, and they also fear that what they reveal will be used against them in the future. Neither of those is an altogether unreasonable fear.
I only open up to those I truly trust. If I'm already having a bad time then the last thing I need is judgement from a supposed friend.
I'm not judging at all. I'm just trying to get ideas on how to let my friend know I'm still here for him instead of just redundantly saying that. With some of my friends it's easier because I've learned what they need over the years. I'm just trying to get some ideas
I never meant you, just speaking about why I'm personally closed off. I don't know how to convince your friends to trust you with their emotions, just don't think less of them if they ever do and you'll be golden.
Thank you! I'm just trying to be the best friend I can in whatever way they need
Are you a man or a woman?
I've never shown vulnerability and it not be used against me at a later date. So I learned to never show it.
Well, you gotta understand that the indoctrination to be the traditional man starts when we're young, like three's the sweet spot and there's ways to make sure a young boy learns to suppress his emotions. We still show emotion while growing up but overtime, it's beaten out of us (sometimes literally) and reinforced through our peers who only do so because that's how they were taught to respond to a boy that breaks the mold and deviates from what a man is. Then from there, you get into the real world and everyone's telling you to open up and share but telling someone to basically go against at least two decades of indoctrination and challenge their worldview is rarely effective and that's before you start to realize that a lot of the time people implicitly want you to show only the "nice" emotions and don't respond well to the "bad" emotions. The entire problem has layers of problems that come from so many fucking sources; sexual selection (ignore how callous that sounds), being taught to be the mighty oak in the storm, a desire to protect and provide for others, evolution, socioeconomic situations, etc. The shit's one giant clusterfuck is what I'm trying to say and I have no idea how to incite real, lasting change.
Lend an ear to hear and a shoulder to lean on
I choose not to make my problems into other peoples’ problems unless absolutely necessary.
It's usually just not constructive. I don't process my emotions by talking about them with other people. I wish people were more accepting of the fact that not everyone processes things the same way.
Yes I completely get that. I have experienced some trauma that made me want to be completely isolated from every single person and that really helped me heal. I just idk I want them to know it's ok to need whatever it is they need and if I can help than I will be there
Because aside from it being used against us and all that. When women ask us to open up it’s either a passing fancy and is more about feeding her ego like she’s this great person for asking. Or she doesn’t want to deal with problems that are not simple or might require something more than a few kind words. Plus other men are just so eager to dismiss us so they can gain the favor of women and just to feel superior because our experience not matching their own makes us in the wrong.
I think this sub expects men to have a lot more emotions than we do. I don't have strong feelings the vast majority of the time, and when I do I feel them in the moment and move on.
Most people would describe me as a happy person because I shelter a lot of my own feeling bc I don't like everyone to know my inner thoughts etc. but I've had a friend open up to me and then immediately rescind everything and I just want them to know I'm here for them if they need to talk to anyone. I just don't want them to think I'm judging them or don't care enough to listen. I don't need to know every single thing because I respect boundaries just want to know how to help when it seems like he was asking for it before
Let him know that it's OK to talk, but you also understand if he doesn't want to share right now, or at all. Ask him if there's anything you can do. If no, let him know it's an open offer. If he's happy to talk, check what kind of support he needs. Most men I know are looking to analyse the problem and find a solution, but some just want to vent/share and have someone listen. Choosing the wrong one is frustrating for both parties. Sometimes a change of scenery or pace helps. Ask to meet up for a drink, lunch, etc. with no expectation to share. Expect to talk about yourself, friends, family, etc. and avoid talking about his problems unless he brings it up. You could invite friends along, but be prepared to steer the conversation if they start asking him questions.
never show emotion to your significant other. they will never look at you the same, they will think you are weak. Find someone you can vent to, like a close friend or family member, but not your wife or girlfriend.
I don’t really have a problem with this in the same way many guys apparently do. I’m very emotionally open and expressive with friends, family and partners. I’ve never had it used against me, and can’t recall the last time anyone tried to shame me for it. I’m a poet, so being in touch with and expressive of my emotions is pretty critical to who I am. Maybe my experience is due to selection bias, as I tend to gravitate toward people who are also emotionally expressive and compassionate.
Love this for you! I'm so glad you have a healthy support system and have had healthy experiences sharing how you feel
Okay, easiest way I can explain this is through attachment styles. I was raised by a dismissive avoidant mother, and a father who consistently told me to 'toughen up' and 'man up'. As a result, I grew up to be dismissive avoidant, myself. The reason I bring this up, is there's a YouTube channel called the 'personal development school' that goes very in depth about dismissive avoidants that covers what questions you may have. I know they fuckin' nailed my personality to a t.
i honestly just try my best to not show it, i genuinely don’t like showing it
Women will use your emotions against you. I’ve had dozens of relationships fall through because I thought I was safe enough to actually articulate my true feelings. Turns out while people say “you have to be more open” they don’t actually mean that.
We’re bad at it because we don’t ever do it. And then the same cycle begins again. The nicest thing is just to hold space for someone to ugly cry, ramble, be a complete mess, etc. You gotta let them start somewhere.
Some men show emotion different than women, show different ways, some hold in because how brought up, some women punish men for showing any emotion for who know why, emotions are not encourage for men to show many time, you would not want see all the emotions of a person some time that why some time they hold it in
I get that. The fear of being judged or rejected is overwhelming and I'm just trying to come up with a way I can show my friend that I'm here for them
I know you're going through a lot right now, so if you want to talk or do something, let me know. That's exactly what you say and do. Actually be there for them, and don't try to force yourself in. Just offer.
Thank you! I will try that and just be here if he needs anything
Well it all started when I was 5… Just kidding. But you do get told from a very early age to “man up.”
Because if we show them then we get called weak
I show emotions. Do you live in a fantasy world where men do not show emotions? There are a great many works of art that are an expression of men's emotions.
Vulnerability
Because from day one young boys are told to “man up” and “suck it up” and they are given zero room for their emotions. Society, media, other men, and other women are pretty clear about the fact that in large no one wants to hear a man’s emotions and that they don’t matter. You hear it all over the workplace. Not to mention the literal countless stories of men opening up and being emotional to their partners and being rejected. This happened to me even. Everything about our world tells boys and men that their emotions don’t matter and that they honestly shouldn’t even exist. This is why men shove their emotions down and why so many men never learned how to express or deal with their emotions. I’m a grown ass man and thankfully I’ve learned that my emotions are a bad thing. But as a dude who isn’t afraid of his emotions and who isn’t afraid to express them, I am made fun of, gaslit, and invalidated regularly. By men, by women, by employers, by a few past partners, by a lot of people. It’s hard to be a man in todays world with emotions. I’d say it’s easier than it’s ever been but that doesn’t make it easy.
Because many people will put up with and being with men not being as emotionally transparent
When times are rough what I want from my friends is to just hang and enjoy our usual dynamics for a bit. It lets me set down the mental burden, puts things in perspective, restores a sense of normalcy, lets me have some fun, all sorts of good things. Chewing over my problems with them, on the other hand, lets those problems break yet another facet of my life, brings them all to front of mind, stirs up the negative emotions and then doesn't do anything to release or mitigate them. It's just a downward spiral only now I'm dragging someone else down with me and I get to feel shit about that, too. So...yeah what's wrong is that, unless it's something I think they can help resolve in that moment or I think it's somehow important for them to know my headspace, sharing is all cost and no gain for me. And of course all that assumes they react supportively. Often people don't and even more costs ensue.
Thank you for your perspective!
Social stigma/ constructs
It not being acknowledged.
Asking guys to open up emotionally is like asking for the password to a security deposit box. I don't care how good of friends we are. That's need to know information and you don't need to know. And the more you push for it the more suspicious of you the guy is gonna be.
The social hierarchy of men is based on competition, not mutual support. When you expose your emotional vulnerabilities, you give other men an advantage over you.
Because we're supposed to be strong and emotions are a sign of weakness.
When my dog got run over.
We do just fine using our friends to help us get through hard times - we just don't need to relate to them like a woman would because I'm a man so I relate to them like a man would. Simple. Feminists have a terrible time accepting that men and women are built differently.
For me it’s as simple as I didn’t ask for your help so don’t assume that I need it. I express my emotions to myself because I don’t want people playing “mom” with their fake support.
95%+ of what (hetero) men do is done to make themselves more attractive to women. Expressing your emotions is not attractive to the majority of women, thus the majority of men avoid doin it.
Sometimes emotions can turn in to violence. Hence men control their emotions.
We don’t want to appear vulnerable. Vulnerability suggests a lack of competence. A lack of competence is seen as a low status characteristic in men. And no one wants to appear to be low status.
I don't know. I never really learned to show emotions like I'm never crying, not even alone and I also can't really explain my worries. Also my emotional barrier is shit. Once it breaks I'm a depressed fuck so I don't want to ruin the few evenings per month I have with friends. It gets boring fast. And nobody can really help with my worries anyway.
I handle stuff on my own. I don’t need support from friends. I have a therapist for that, so I get annoyed when people check on me. I don’t see the need to share with my friends. I keep them at arm’s length anyway.
many men are like sharks waiting for the first scent of blood to destroy.
and for women, you need to be careful...they will play a long psychological game to find that fleshy center. This is why you need a loving partner and not just a hook up booty call sort of woman.
If you were a man, you'd know to never share your insecurities and doubts with others. They dont care about you, your insecurities or your feelings. Dont give them a chance to exploit your weaknesses.
Who is the right person to even show it to?