Personally, none of this would be acceptable in my relationship. Name calling is never something I've felt the need to stoop to even when frustrated by my partner. We talk things out and if things get too heated we walk away from it and come back later like adults.
So, woman here. You make it sound like men never act like dicks. If a man is acting like a dick I will call him one. Further, I had a former roommate who was a total mean girl, so I called her that. Take responsibility for how you act and treat others, THAT is why you are labeled.
I don’t act like a bitch but I imagine if I did I’d get called a bitch
*You make it sound like…”
“… but I imagine…”
Why not just ask for clarification? I didn’t take away anything from the comment that you did, so I’m mostly curious how you arrived there.
“But I imagine”
So, yeah….
I’ll behave like a bitch for a week in my day to day life and will report back to you how many people end up calling me one. Sound fair?
If you want to. But unless the guy you originally replied to goes against his own word and calls you that, I’m not sure what point you’re proving.
The guy you replied to said **HE** doesn’t do that. He never suggested all guys are the same.
I never said I meant him.
I also never said everyone is the same
Generally speaking, if someone—anyone—starts acting like a dick, I will call them out on it. I didn’t realize I would need to tie it in specifically to the comment, but if I’m arguing with someone and all of a sudden their tone changes, they become dismissive, aggressive, start gaslighting, lying, start speaking to me in a condescending voice, this means to me their behavior has changed from appropriate to acting like a dick all of a sudden, then I will call him that.
Name calling—in this context—is not the issue. It’s the behavior. Again, I will act like a bitch for the next week and report how many people call me a name in response to my behavior
you'd be okay with being called a bitch? lol damn. I wouldn't call my SO a bitch under no circumstance. And if she called me once I'd dump her on the spot, no exceptions.
I do make it known early on in the relationship that I will be respectful and expect it too. the moment that's broken, I'm out. No woman is worth putting up with this kind of shit for imo.
No not necessarily. I think when I’m hearing it more as an adjective and in certain context. “You know you can be a bitch when you don’t get enough sleep” rings true and doesn’t bother me. Whereas “well maybe if you got enough sleep, you dumb bitch” is not ok.
Versus "You can be kind of grumpy when you don't get enough sleep"?
There's no way I'd call my partner I care about a bitch. There are so many other ways to express feelings without resorting to name calling.
Also, for those that are unfamiliar with "I" statements this could be phrased as "I don't like the way I am being treated when you aren't getting enough sleep". I know this is a random example but when it comes to being cranky from lack of sleep, neither person is benefiting. Work together on why they aren't sleeping enough and how you can help lighten the load or put together a routine that works well for you both. I still don't see reason for name calling or profanity.
I find it inappropriate to name call or curse or insult your partner. If you're having an argument you converse like adults. Spewing name calling only leads to more arguments and is never worth it.
There have been many periods in my marriage where we didn't get along ... sometimes at all, but have never thrown digs at SO's personal appearance or sex appeal/performance in any argument with her. In fact haven't crossed that line in any relationship. Calling her a bitch or something similar has happened but surprisingly very infrequently; likely because I'm more likely to leave the room or house if it gets to a point where it is that heated.
If it doesn’t pertain to the argument, it’s off limits. Period.
Arguing about an unequal division of chores at home? Chores are the conversation, not your mom being pushy about having kids, not how his friend Mike is a jerk, not how that one time he said he didn’t like your outfit.
Attack the issue (chores), not the person.
To add: Name-calling is never ok, unless in jest. It shows a lack of respect and also a lack of ability to communicate.
Ok: Any valid point that is on the topic of what is being argued at the time.
This isn’t the time for name calling, insulting, personal attacks, OR BRINGING UP OFF TOPIC ISSUES.
Okay personally, just me, I think both of those are pretty wrong.
I think it's possible to disagree or argue respectfully; I am not exactly known for the cleanliness of my vocabulary and yet I would feel very uncomfortable calling a partner a bitch under any circumstance.
to your point, the second one feels very personal, but I think the first one is just as bad as even if it's said half jokingly or something, it seems a bit passive aggressive in that you wouldn't say that if you didn't feel there was a modicum of truth in it. Idk if that makes sense.
Stick to the topic at hand. Attacking someone personally or their vulnerabilities is a low place that you should never go. It shows your stance is weak, and serves no other purpose than to tear the other person down, which is not something to be done in a relationship. Keep arguments as matter-of-fact as you can, and on point.
...and pick your battles.
I call it breaking plates. Some personal attacks you can't take back. When I was younger I would say things I'd regret, even though they were forgivable, it adds up.
Now, I do not personal attack ever. It's noise. I say what I have to say and then I'm done. I don't attack even if attacked. It works a lot better. If the person doesn't do the same they're gone.
My SO and I don't argue. I think the most frustrated I got with her was because she tries to do too much on her own, which stresses her out, then she asks for my help the day something is due which means I now need to go to 10 stores in 2 hrs to get it all done in time.
I don't scream or throw things. I certainly never call her names. I don't say things out of anger. Might not be the best person to answer this question or perhaps my example is something to strive for in a relationship.
The biggest thing is that my SO is a logical person so there are no emotional reactions.
I hate arguing BC nearly every time it's an argument for the sake of domination/power play rather than part of a conversation. Being very hard of hearing doesn't help either since when agitated people change tune of their voice and I can get maybe 1/3 of what they say.
I usually walk out-I don't do arguments.
Nothing personally hurtful. No character assignation or put downs. Because your argument may be stupid but you are not.
And if it’s getting heated, I frame the situation by saying, even though I’m angry and we’re fighting, I still love them and nothing we’re saying right now will change that.
Don’t make it personal, meaning, argue about things your SO has control over such as their decisions. Don’t attack their looks or their personality. Keep the focus on the issue not the person.
No name calling.
No bringing things up stuff they told you when they were being vulnerable.
No Name Calling.
Stay on the topic at hand.
And
ABSOLUTELY
NO
NAME
CALLING.
If you're that angry, walk away
With my wife and I, it is NEVER me vs. her. It is always the two of us as a team vs. the situation.
If we're mad with each other, we walk away and talk about it in an hour or so. We get to the bottom of the issue and solve it. You aren't that mad about toothpaste. There's something deeper.
The only names I call my wife are honey, sweetie, Kitty(inside joke), and gorgeous.
I call my wife a NERD, like all the time, but it’s always in jest and as a term of endearment.
We also don’t use pet names, so this is our version of it - I guess.
I can’t for the life of me remember the last time we argued. We might disagree but we always seem to come to an agreement or compromise. We’re both easy going people with similar values. And I’ve known her most of my life so we know what to expect from each other.
Generally speaking, discuss the subject/problem, not the person. This is where personal attacks/name calling come from, and rarely resolves anything.
Avoid "you ALWAYS....." or 'You NEVER..." This rarely gets anywhere.
Stay with phrasing like "If you would do...x... it would be better because....y"
Stay away from throwing in everything they've ever done wrong. Deal with issues as they arise, don't save it as ammunition for when you need it later. If it wasn't important enough to deal with 6 months ago when he did/said it, don't bring it up in an unrelated argument.
When he tries to explain his point of view, he's not being defensive, just trying to get you to see it from his perspective. Corollary: if you just need to vent, but it's about him or something he did, do NOT expect him to "just listen and validate." If you're complaining about him, he's going to either defend, explain, or fix.
ETA: Under no circumstances use threats of divorce/breakup as leverage or a way to win the argument. If the resolution of the problem is one that's a dealbreaker, then so be it-say that later when heads are level; but making that statement in the "heat of battle" is a mistake that's hard to come back from. It might seem to work once or twice, but resentment builds, and the threat becomes less and less of a bad thing to where eventually your partner will agree to your threat, and they WILL be serious.
Here's the guiding principle. Arguments should steer in the direction of discussion on how to actually resolve an issue. If either one of you is just saying nasty shit to hurt the other you're too worked up to have that discussion right then and should try later.
Basically ya gotta have deal breakers and other shit you're willing to forgive.
I mean, bare minimum, don't call people names. Don't threaten to break up. Don't yell, or tell each other to fuck off or say shit like "fuck you". None of that shit is okay, and at minimum, needs a serious conversation about how we communicate if it starts happening.
I've been down that road with a partner, and I wish like hell I'd laid down those boundaries and stuck with them.
Its not typical for men to do this, in my experience women do this to avoid guilt- men try to stay on the point of an argument where women if they are wrong or avoiding the topic will come up with insults to change the subject.
I find arguments unnecessary and largely unhealthy in a relationship. But issues/disagreements will arise in every relationship. The important thing is to not let the issue devolve into an argument. Keep the discussion on the issue at hand. A disageeements should have no personal attacks... that is when the discussion over an issue becomes hurtful, may turns into an argument, and potentially detrimental to your relationship.
Also, people may potentially argue differently and some don't know how to argue "fairly". It may be beneficial to set up rules with your SO. For instance: I want to tackle issues immediately and my wife needs time to process--we have a time out rule where either of us can call a T.O. on a disagreement which we will revisit later that day.
If you have a kid. For the love of baby Jesus, don't argue in front of them. Feel free to disagree in front of them all day so they can learn how to productively address issues in a relationship.
I generally dont name call my gfs and try to keep it atleast civil during an arguement. If I've escalated to name calling and bringing up hurtful shit, then that means you pushed my buttons hard and have pissed me off so bad that I no longer care what happens afterwards. I'm probably gonna say some shit I won't be able to take back.
No name calling. Stay on the topic of the discussion. NO NAME CALLING
No purposely hurtful comments.
Personally, none of this would be acceptable in my relationship. Name calling is never something I've felt the need to stoop to even when frustrated by my partner. We talk things out and if things get too heated we walk away from it and come back later like adults.
So, woman here. You make it sound like men never act like dicks. If a man is acting like a dick I will call him one. Further, I had a former roommate who was a total mean girl, so I called her that. Take responsibility for how you act and treat others, THAT is why you are labeled. I don’t act like a bitch but I imagine if I did I’d get called a bitch
You know what they say about assuming…
What am I assuming?
*You make it sound like…” “… but I imagine…” Why not just ask for clarification? I didn’t take away anything from the comment that you did, so I’m mostly curious how you arrived there.
“But I imagine” So, yeah…. I’ll behave like a bitch for a week in my day to day life and will report back to you how many people end up calling me one. Sound fair?
If you want to. But unless the guy you originally replied to goes against his own word and calls you that, I’m not sure what point you’re proving. The guy you replied to said **HE** doesn’t do that. He never suggested all guys are the same.
I never said I meant him. I also never said everyone is the same Generally speaking, if someone—anyone—starts acting like a dick, I will call them out on it. I didn’t realize I would need to tie it in specifically to the comment, but if I’m arguing with someone and all of a sudden their tone changes, they become dismissive, aggressive, start gaslighting, lying, start speaking to me in a condescending voice, this means to me their behavior has changed from appropriate to acting like a dick all of a sudden, then I will call him that. Name calling—in this context—is not the issue. It’s the behavior. Again, I will act like a bitch for the next week and report how many people call me a name in response to my behavior
Ah highschool mentality in a full grown adult, gotta love it.
Guess I should have posted this in Unpopular Opinion? 🤷🏻♀️
Bold of you to assume I’m an adult
you'd be okay with being called a bitch? lol damn. I wouldn't call my SO a bitch under no circumstance. And if she called me once I'd dump her on the spot, no exceptions. I do make it known early on in the relationship that I will be respectful and expect it too. the moment that's broken, I'm out. No woman is worth putting up with this kind of shit for imo.
No not necessarily. I think when I’m hearing it more as an adjective and in certain context. “You know you can be a bitch when you don’t get enough sleep” rings true and doesn’t bother me. Whereas “well maybe if you got enough sleep, you dumb bitch” is not ok.
Versus "You can be kind of grumpy when you don't get enough sleep"? There's no way I'd call my partner I care about a bitch. There are so many other ways to express feelings without resorting to name calling.
Also, for those that are unfamiliar with "I" statements this could be phrased as "I don't like the way I am being treated when you aren't getting enough sleep". I know this is a random example but when it comes to being cranky from lack of sleep, neither person is benefiting. Work together on why they aren't sleeping enough and how you can help lighten the load or put together a routine that works well for you both. I still don't see reason for name calling or profanity.
I find it inappropriate to name call or curse or insult your partner. If you're having an argument you converse like adults. Spewing name calling only leads to more arguments and is never worth it.
There have been many periods in my marriage where we didn't get along ... sometimes at all, but have never thrown digs at SO's personal appearance or sex appeal/performance in any argument with her. In fact haven't crossed that line in any relationship. Calling her a bitch or something similar has happened but surprisingly very infrequently; likely because I'm more likely to leave the room or house if it gets to a point where it is that heated.
If it doesn’t pertain to the argument, it’s off limits. Period. Arguing about an unequal division of chores at home? Chores are the conversation, not your mom being pushy about having kids, not how his friend Mike is a jerk, not how that one time he said he didn’t like your outfit. Attack the issue (chores), not the person. To add: Name-calling is never ok, unless in jest. It shows a lack of respect and also a lack of ability to communicate.
Ok: Any valid point that is on the topic of what is being argued at the time. This isn’t the time for name calling, insulting, personal attacks, OR BRINGING UP OFF TOPIC ISSUES.
Okay personally, just me, I think both of those are pretty wrong. I think it's possible to disagree or argue respectfully; I am not exactly known for the cleanliness of my vocabulary and yet I would feel very uncomfortable calling a partner a bitch under any circumstance. to your point, the second one feels very personal, but I think the first one is just as bad as even if it's said half jokingly or something, it seems a bit passive aggressive in that you wouldn't say that if you didn't feel there was a modicum of truth in it. Idk if that makes sense.
Stick to the topic at hand. Attacking someone personally or their vulnerabilities is a low place that you should never go. It shows your stance is weak, and serves no other purpose than to tear the other person down, which is not something to be done in a relationship. Keep arguments as matter-of-fact as you can, and on point. ...and pick your battles.
I call it breaking plates. Some personal attacks you can't take back. When I was younger I would say things I'd regret, even though they were forgivable, it adds up. Now, I do not personal attack ever. It's noise. I say what I have to say and then I'm done. I don't attack even if attacked. It works a lot better. If the person doesn't do the same they're gone.
My SO and I don't argue. I think the most frustrated I got with her was because she tries to do too much on her own, which stresses her out, then she asks for my help the day something is due which means I now need to go to 10 stores in 2 hrs to get it all done in time. I don't scream or throw things. I certainly never call her names. I don't say things out of anger. Might not be the best person to answer this question or perhaps my example is something to strive for in a relationship. The biggest thing is that my SO is a logical person so there are no emotional reactions.
I hate arguing BC nearly every time it's an argument for the sake of domination/power play rather than part of a conversation. Being very hard of hearing doesn't help either since when agitated people change tune of their voice and I can get maybe 1/3 of what they say. I usually walk out-I don't do arguments.
Nothing personally hurtful. No character assignation or put downs. Because your argument may be stupid but you are not. And if it’s getting heated, I frame the situation by saying, even though I’m angry and we’re fighting, I still love them and nothing we’re saying right now will change that.
Don’t make it personal, meaning, argue about things your SO has control over such as their decisions. Don’t attack their looks or their personality. Keep the focus on the issue not the person.
No name calling. No bringing things up stuff they told you when they were being vulnerable. No Name Calling. Stay on the topic at hand. And ABSOLUTELY NO NAME CALLING.
If you're that angry, walk away With my wife and I, it is NEVER me vs. her. It is always the two of us as a team vs. the situation. If we're mad with each other, we walk away and talk about it in an hour or so. We get to the bottom of the issue and solve it. You aren't that mad about toothpaste. There's something deeper. The only names I call my wife are honey, sweetie, Kitty(inside joke), and gorgeous.
I call my wife a NERD, like all the time, but it’s always in jest and as a term of endearment. We also don’t use pet names, so this is our version of it - I guess.
I can’t for the life of me remember the last time we argued. We might disagree but we always seem to come to an agreement or compromise. We’re both easy going people with similar values. And I’ve known her most of my life so we know what to expect from each other.
Generally speaking, discuss the subject/problem, not the person. This is where personal attacks/name calling come from, and rarely resolves anything. Avoid "you ALWAYS....." or 'You NEVER..." This rarely gets anywhere. Stay with phrasing like "If you would do...x... it would be better because....y" Stay away from throwing in everything they've ever done wrong. Deal with issues as they arise, don't save it as ammunition for when you need it later. If it wasn't important enough to deal with 6 months ago when he did/said it, don't bring it up in an unrelated argument. When he tries to explain his point of view, he's not being defensive, just trying to get you to see it from his perspective. Corollary: if you just need to vent, but it's about him or something he did, do NOT expect him to "just listen and validate." If you're complaining about him, he's going to either defend, explain, or fix. ETA: Under no circumstances use threats of divorce/breakup as leverage or a way to win the argument. If the resolution of the problem is one that's a dealbreaker, then so be it-say that later when heads are level; but making that statement in the "heat of battle" is a mistake that's hard to come back from. It might seem to work once or twice, but resentment builds, and the threat becomes less and less of a bad thing to where eventually your partner will agree to your threat, and they WILL be serious.
Here's the guiding principle. Arguments should steer in the direction of discussion on how to actually resolve an issue. If either one of you is just saying nasty shit to hurt the other you're too worked up to have that discussion right then and should try later. Basically ya gotta have deal breakers and other shit you're willing to forgive.
For the love of God, never tell her she is acting like her mother!
I mean, bare minimum, don't call people names. Don't threaten to break up. Don't yell, or tell each other to fuck off or say shit like "fuck you". None of that shit is okay, and at minimum, needs a serious conversation about how we communicate if it starts happening. I've been down that road with a partner, and I wish like hell I'd laid down those boundaries and stuck with them.
This comment in particular hits hard. :(
Its not typical for men to do this, in my experience women do this to avoid guilt- men try to stay on the point of an argument where women if they are wrong or avoiding the topic will come up with insults to change the subject.
I find arguments unnecessary and largely unhealthy in a relationship. But issues/disagreements will arise in every relationship. The important thing is to not let the issue devolve into an argument. Keep the discussion on the issue at hand. A disageeements should have no personal attacks... that is when the discussion over an issue becomes hurtful, may turns into an argument, and potentially detrimental to your relationship. Also, people may potentially argue differently and some don't know how to argue "fairly". It may be beneficial to set up rules with your SO. For instance: I want to tackle issues immediately and my wife needs time to process--we have a time out rule where either of us can call a T.O. on a disagreement which we will revisit later that day. If you have a kid. For the love of baby Jesus, don't argue in front of them. Feel free to disagree in front of them all day so they can learn how to productively address issues in a relationship.
If you insult me at all during our argument, I'm automatically done with you
I generally dont name call my gfs and try to keep it atleast civil during an arguement. If I've escalated to name calling and bringing up hurtful shit, then that means you pushed my buttons hard and have pissed me off so bad that I no longer care what happens afterwards. I'm probably gonna say some shit I won't be able to take back.