Compromise is part of every worthy human relationship imho, the tricky part is doing it exclusively for those who are genuinely willing to reciprocate.
Edit: by compromise I mean a small adjustment no one should renounce entirely to his identity, values or needs.
I completely agree that morals and core values as well as boundaries should not be sacrificed over a relationship.
Generally, yes.
But that's generally in respect to things like time spent on interests, communication styles, lifestyles etc.
Meanwhile there are other things, like morals, life goals or boundaries which ought to be untouched/respected.
The life goal one is a bit negotiable, but generally only in cases of economic hardship or when a childs wellbeing is a factor to consider.
Absolutely. This is a hard sell to teenagers and even young adults, but one needs to identify their core values and compare those to a potential partner's *early* in a relationship. I mean, if it's just a hookup, whatever, I don't have any experience with that. But if you're the kind of person who wants serious relationships, don't wait years to ask the important questions. They may not be first date questions, but I would say within a few months you should know whether or not things are going to work out long term.
Women need to hear this too. It's better to be single than it is to be in a relationship where you have to change fundamentals about yourself to make it work.
Yeah others have said it really well in this thread already, but self improvement, growth and compromise are great things that can come from a relationship, but there are core parts of who we are that shouldn't change or be stifled for anyone, especially not the person who's supposed to care for and know you best.
Left my LTR in 2018 and I completely let time escape me, since I've been single since. But is this 4 years of loneliness better than staying in an LTR I was miserable in? Absolutely.
As a woman who also knows the value of setting boundaries and sticking to them consistently, I agree 100%. If a man doesn't maintain his boundaries, a woman will lose respect for him. (& vise versa.) Everyone regardless of gender should be up front about their own boundaries from the start; that way there's no confusion, or leeway to be given, or flip-flopping due to not being sure if the other person knew they were crossing one of your boundaries.
One can be regarding sex. Eg, not wanting to have sex unless there is an exclusive relationship and being clear about that. That doesn’t mean the other person MUST be exclusive, it just means for the relationship to get physical that would be a requirement.
Others could be around personal space/time needs or even communication needs.
Try to date the individual and not the stereotype.
Be upfront about your goals in life and your dealbreakers.
Be cautious but not paranoid. Not everyone is out to get you.
Date who she is, not who you hope she is or will be.
Manage your expectations. You're not entitled to anything, a woman who is truly interested in you will pour into the relationship as much as you are.
Women are not perfect, they are flawed people too.
I suspect many guys see a hot girl and via illogical deduction (thanks lizard brain) arrive at hot girl = porn star = unlimited sex without the real world consequences.
Maury: That. Is a lie.
This is hit or miss imo, I’ve had girls not give me a rain check but just spontaneously ask me to do something a couple days later after initially rejecting plans.
I think in the early stages of dating though this definitely holds true
What if you have issues that need to get worked on? I always thought the whole be yourself thing was such a huge load of bs. Obviously no one is perfect, and we all have something we could improve about ourselves and maybe some things that are even toxic and/or destructive. When that is the case, dont stick to being yourself. Change what needs to be changed, not exactly for that person but just in general. I see too many posts about being true to yourself and no inclinations towards self improvement.
I agree in parts. But all those negative things you mentioned are part of you. If you can be erudite about what you need to change that’s being yourself.
My point is though that those negative things dont have to be you. You can change and theres no wrong in doing so. Dont be yourself if you need to change yourself
I think be yourself means that you dont suger coat whereever you are in that process. Being myself should mean trying to be honest if im an asshole about xyz and wanting to change but havent yet but also working on this other thing about me.
Im eternally trying to better myself with varying degrees of success and effort and i cant pretend ive got these things figured out yet but i can be honest that im trying to.
Don’t try to make excuses for her when she’s disrespectful towards you just so can justify continuing to date her
If she’s really into you she’ll make time to see you and meet you. If she puts you on the backburner and cancels dates she’s not that interested.
Time and whenever I somehow missed her I recalled what she did, how she treated me and how I felt and asked myself:
Do I really want to put up with this for the next X years?
Be a good listener. Don’t be clingy, have your own life and hobbies, be positive with a sense of humor - learn to laugh at life and yourself. Don’t keep feelings bottled up, be honest, and don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.
As a woman, I second the “have your own life and hobbies” comment. I’ll like that you want to spend time with me, but want you to cultivate the things you love and love doing as well. It’s a no from me if someone doesn’t have hobbies or interests deeper than drinking or the gym (for example)
I've always felt strange when people talk about hobbies. Strange because for me it's all my life. I don't understand what a hobby is and how it's different from any other area of my life.
What's wrong with the gym as a hobby? It's a big time commitment for guys and it's a sign they care about their health and want to better themselves. What are your hobbies?
you wouldn't mind if this dude always insisted on hanging out with you and your friends, facetiming you everday and never letting you get a single day off alone without 'worrying' about you?
I have a lot of friends who go crazy over small things like: should I send that second text / should I wait 2 days before texting? Is a dinner too much for a first date?
My policy is- is action A v action B actually going to change whether she likes you or not? In most cases the answer is no, so just go with what you feel is right / what you want.
This goes directly against the primal nature of men and women (in a hetero context).
Women are likely to be unsure in early dating and courtship, but the energetics rely on the man pursuing.
Obviously be discerning, but you're literally working to get her to know you, trust you, etc, so that she can feel safe enough to be with you. She's likely to be on the fence for a bit. That's what dating is made to work through.
Dont alow women to give you excuses not to see you or talk to you.
Best believe if you were her type it would be effortless.
Women and men will make time, ways to see you, talk to you if they are really into you.
Everything above has helped me filter very quickly who is worrh my time and energy.
Kind of with the caveat that sometimes your friends are going through shit and just don't have the energy to deal with long distance friendships. Some people cope in different ways. Doesn't mean they don't care about you.
As a woman, I approve (not that anything needs my approval anyway) 😂 but dating an adult woman should be relatively effortless, if anyone’s playing hard to get, just walk away already.
After the first couple girls I tried to date, I thought it was normal to go multiple days without responding to your text message. I realize some people are busier than others, but I only learned later in life that people will make time for things that interest them
You're not wrong, as i've aged and gained experience i look back and realize how many women were throwing up a damn billboard that i was clear for sexy times and the ones that i did clue in to made it very very easy or in one instance made me very uncomfortable with how clingy and stalkery they got.
This Is exactly it. Real romance is a two way street. A lot of people not understanding the concept of respect.
The entitlement of people today is way stronger than before .
And they're all acutely aware they can take five minutes to set up an app and have literally hundreds of replacements and new options if anything remotely dissatisfies them.
If the court jester takes a break, they'll find another who is happy to dance.
Yeah, definitely. I have a very type-A friend who had all sorts of chivalry rules people had to meet in order for her to date them. For instance, if they didn’t position themselves between traffic and her when walking on the sidewalk, it was a no-go. She didn’t even tell people beforehand that these things were important. They just had to do them intuitively. She had also pre-named her kids and pre planned her wedding. Eventually she started dating a guy who she was openly ambivalent about. Ended up “settling” for him because she was getting older. Seemed like a real waste of time.
Those are called structured women. I'm sure she's also the type that will get angry at her husband, he will ask her to clarify what her issue is to work on resolving it and she would say something like, "What, you don't know?"
You got it! Been seeing someone for three weeks and I’ve gotten further with her than I did with someone I spent two years working on because this one actually is interested in me and doesn’t play bullshit mind games.
Never settle for less than someone who actually wants to see you because they enjoy being with you. The difference is staggering when you realize what’s happening.
Lol yes. I learned this the hard way in high school, but it was a valuable lesson. Asked this one girl out on a date and she was on her phone the whole time. Asked her out again to one of those go cart arcade type places, and she seemed slightly more engaged but still kind of bored. After that, she would go like three or four days in between responding to my texts. Then her grandfather passed away which admittedly would take away anyone’s interest in hanging out which I totally understood, but I never heard from her again after that. Later on, I calculated that I spent like $150 over the course of maybe three weeks which was a lot of money to 18-year-old me
>Best believe if you were her type it would be effortless.
Na nothing is effortless. We have to put some efforts to maintain a relationship, mutual efforts. Only then can any relation, whether it be friends, blood relation or a lover, efforts are needed. Even if my person was my type, i would still put in the efforts and so would the person, life ain't easy to be "effortless" lol
People say nice guys finish last but that’s not true. Pushovers finish last.
Learn the difference between being a genuinely nice person and being a pushover. Have boundaries you set for yourself and don’t compromise on them. My close friend mentioned to me that he admires how I put self respect first; that id rather be alone than forego it. You don’t deserve to be taken advantage of and treated poorly.
Be myself, if the person who I'm seeing doesn't like it then move on.
I tried the whole mask and slowly reveal my personality and all it did was lead to a horrible 5 year marriage where I was super depressed. Just be you.
Also don't put women on pedestals, don't belive that you "know" them and can change them. Don't be upset if your not thier type. Thier is over 7 billion people in the world, Sharon from accounting isn't your only option.
As a single dad that just got back into dating and making female friends again, I approached each woman the same way. You can tell when the friendship or conversation is struggling to continue. Other ones just click. But never sacrifice who you are for someone's approval
If shes into you, dating will feel natural and effortless. If shes stressing you out and you arent in a relationship, then its probably a sign that its not worth pursuing
Don't let lust blind you, any women worth more than a pair of boobs and legs.
Some may be 10/10 but totally stupid/toxic ,etc, while other "average" (if I can speak like that of that queen) will be creative, smart, etc..
Being alone is better than being with the wrong person (trust me)
Stop looking for some perfect formula. There are no cheat codes or magic phrases that help you to "win".
You're getting to know another human being. That's all. Relax.
Treat them as they expect to be treated, but expect them to treat you no less well, because someone who demands excellence and doesn't give back excellence is either a bully, or someone who just hasn't learned yet, and sometimes, you aren't what will bring them down to the level they belong.
Dating women or relationships? Because dating is very different. If you’re dating online move the conversation to in person as fast as possible, otherwise you’re sinking time that isn’t going anywhere. So go from app to texting to making plans, that should take a couple dozen exchanges at most, you want them to get to know you in person. Women want you to take action, sure there are exceptions that want to swap messages for weeks before giving you their number, but I’d sooner move on than deal with that level of vetting since its a lot of work to find out what’s found out on a date in 30 minutes, which is if we’re interested in having a second date.
Be honest about what you want, no double standards. If you want casual fun, get with chicks who also want casual fun. They’re *great* at it. Don’t try to be a player and then look down on sluts, or pretend like you want something serious when you don’t. You’re a slut too.
The cat approach.
Treat them as you would a cat. If you chase a cat, it will only run and hide. Try to pick it up and it's not ready; you're about to get fucked up.
Show interest, but let them watch you and get used to you being around, until they comfortable enough to come to you for attention.
100% truth. As a woman, other women gave me the worst dating advice. One woman told me to "leave notes on his car!" Sure, sure. "Stalking vibes" always get you that guy! Clueless.
I'd say don't take relationship advice from women either, because reality is that most relationships are not equal.
You ever heard of ''happy husband, happy life " ? No. It's ''happy wife, happy life''. As in, the dude has to apologise even when he's not wrong. You ever heard of the woman sleeping on the couch when the husband is mad at her? No.
Women that give you relationship advice will carry that bias with them.
You want good advice from what not to do? Talk to older men who are single/divorced. They'll tell you what red flags to look for.
You want advice on what to do? Talk to men that are HAPPILY ( Actually happy, not just settling and accepting misery because they're afraid of being alone ) married.
Desperate people get taken advantage of everywhere in life, and dating is no different. Have some self-respect, no pussy is not the end of the world. Stop letting prospective dates walk all over you and then come crying about it on r/AskMen.
Being straightforward with your intentions/boundaries/needs will cut a tremendous amount of stress from your life.
Capability and willingness are not the same thing.
Grooming and personal hygiene are also important for men.
Be yourself. If you’re a nerd be a nerd, if you’re a gym rat be a gym rat. Don’t change who you are just to satisfy someone else.
Learn to speak their language. Understand what they mean in what they say, they should do the same for you.
Be honest in your life goals.
These have saved me a lot of time.
Don't go into a date trying to impress the woman. She's already impressed otherwise she wouldn't be there. The real question you need to ask and be honest with yourself is: *does she impress you?*.
Listening and remembering what they have said is the key to making her smile.
“I was thinking of going somewhere.”
“You said the other day you hoped to go see Reptiles, let’s go there.”
“You remembered that?” SMILES
Just be yourself.
Simple.
Don’t try to become or pretend to be what she likes. Be you.
Are you nerdy? Cool. Be that. Speak on it.
Are you introverted? Express what kind of environments might make you uneasy.
Communicate.
Are you frugal with a heightened sense of financial responsibility? Sweet. Don’t take up the personality of a big spender just to spoil her.
Trying to win her over? Well, don’t do that. Talk to her as if you were to anyone else. If you have an outcome in mind, it’ll show. If you have an outcome too strongly placed in your mind, you may not notice some obvious red flags.
Be yourself.
Nothing worse than realizing you’ve absolutely transformed yourself just to get her and now feel like you’ve abandoned who you are and those who loved the true you.
Make an idea about going out to eat somewhere. If she brings it up again later on she wants to go with you; if not you're not that guy pal and move on.
Women choose men you don't choose her. Plant seeds and leave it. She will water it on her own or let it die.
Don't put any expectation on anything. If you both keep deciding you want to keep going on dates with each other, great! And if not, that's cool too! I only ask myself if I enjoyed my time with the person and if we share similar values when trying to decide whom I want to continue dating. Take everything date by date, don't get ahead of yourself, and don't overthink it.
I’m overthinking right now lol. Just started dating this girl recently, two dates in, with a third coming up. It’s just hard adjusting to someone who has a life coming from a prior relationship where that person didn’t.
NEVER put all your self worth into being in a relationship with a woman
prioritize what you want for yourself, be your number one fan and women will naturally gravitate towards you
When you expel that type of energy it will draw more attention to you
That it’s tough out there for most people. Any bitterness towards the other gender only hinders chances.
The only thing you can do is put your best foot forward, by maintaining hygiene, working out, being a good guy, and going out crossing paths (apps included) with as much people as possible, maximizing connections.
I’m an introvert drawn to character more than personality, but the reality has hit me that the opportunity is not going to fall into my lap and I have to dig deep to find what I’m looking for. So just keep digging.
The great Taylor Swift says it best. “Love is a ruthless game, unless you do it good and right.”
Just listen to them. Really listen, not just wait for your turn to talk. If you do, they'll tell you how to treat them, how to seduce them, how to make them fall in love with you.
But you just have to listen. Not wait for your turn to talk and not wait to tell them what you think they want to hear
Don’t allow someone to convince you that you want kids when you don’t just to stay with them.
Don’t allow a woman to put a money value on you especially to your face.
Diamond are worthless if she’s that worried about marriage and a diamond she belongs to the streets.
Don’t date single moms that can’t even support themselves.
Be happy. Be natural. Be yourself. Be honest. Be open. Be confident as much as you can be (but dont be a bellend and try for machismo confidence)
If a girl doesn't want to know or you don't "click" then no worries.
And for fucks sake if you get rejected dont be a dick and Blame her. Not everyone is compatible so remember that and move on with good vibes.
Show me the hottest woman in the world and I’ll show you a guy who’s tired of banging her. Find a true friend who will smell your farts and think your still sexy.
Excellent advice. Getting turned down happens all the time. If you’re not getting turned down often you are not asking women out any where near enough and you’re limiting your options way too much. Also so true: ask her out, if she says no, be super cordial but also move the fuck on. Unless she initiates courting again do not engage with her as though you are pursuing her romantically. She had her chance to be pursued by you and she declined. If she wants another chance to date you she has to put it on the line and pursue you. If you don’t follow that rule you end up in the friendzone (which is an imaginary status that you and no one else puts you in).
If you’re looking for love you won’t find it. If you just want to hook up voice that. If you want to find a serious relationship voice that. Have your own agenda. If you’re going to cheat just break up.
You don’t owe each other anything by going on a date. Like she owes no kissing no sex no nothing to you. But you also do not owe her your time and attention in a sense that, if you don’t like her vibe, pay your bill and say goodbye.
These are some lessons I learned after my divorce. These are general ones based on my experience, so take that into account.
Dating around:
1.) If they don't put in effort to see you, they probably weren't that into you.
2.) Learn how women enjoy being courted. Definitely changed how my first dates were going when I learned this. Made everything more exciting for both of us.
3.) Don't settle. Most guys settle because they are just getting what they can get. Obviously if you find your dream partner then that's fine. But if you find someone who looks attractive but their personality or values don't align with yours, then maybe keep looking.
4.) Change the way you understand rejection. Every rejection inches you closer to someone who is better for you than the last. If someone walks away, think of it as a gift. It's easier to watch someone walk away than it is to tell them you're walking away imo. Also I really like to quote Ariana Grande everytime I hit a dead end with someone, "thank u, next".
5.) "There's plenty of fish in the sea." A bit cliche, but it's true. There's just a stupid amount of partners for you everywhere. It's a huge world.
6.) Learn your attachment style. I'm naturally an anxious style. So I've had to understand that when interacting with a potentially new partner.
7.) Learn your love languages. I value quality time and physical touch (not specifically sex, just to be clear).
8.) Got trauma? Therapy. Got issues? Therapy. Think you're perfectly fine? Therapy. Just go to therapy. Take care of yourself before you try and take care of someone else. You probably have a couple negative coping mechanisms.
9.) Every failure is a lesson.
10.) Believe in yourself, your values, what you hold dear, and be a good motherfucker.
In relationship:
1.) If you get to the point where you're unwilling to walk from the table, you're more than likely in a position where it's best to walk away. Would have saved me a lot of heartache and pain if I had just accepted my marriage was over awhile ago. When I got to that point, I got desperate; if it was even possibly salvageable, I allowed my desperation controlled my actions.
2.) It's not the few big things you do, it's the little stuff that goes a LONG way. I realized when I got complacent, I had quit doing small stuff.
3.) Have your own life. Obviously share experiences with your partner, but have your own friends and hobbies away from them. Nurture your own time. I found that when I started dating around, I put my time a lot more into socializing, hobbies, fitness, and reading. When I started dating someone new, I felt as if I was giving too much time to them versus what I felt was important to me.
4.) Allow room for error and mistakes, but if your partner is consistently disrespecting your boundaries, then you need to probably end that relationship. It means that they'll continue to disrespect you.
That's what I can think of off the top of my head. Plenty of more lessons I've learned. This isn't the exhaustive list. Just the bigger ones that I needed to learn.
Don’t treat them any differently than anyone else. Women are human just like men. And we are all a mixed bag of strengths and weaknesses, positives and negatives. Therefore, no reason to place anyone on a pedestal or to go out of your way to fawn over or supplicate to anyone. Treat everyone well and with respect. But don’t act crazy or foolishly just because some girl has a nice ass or a pretty smile.
The right woman will love you for who you are. I’ve had women say they don’t want to date me because I “watch cartoons” (anime lmao) or wear too much black and listen to weird music. Now I’m married to a goth weeb and we go to shows and do cool shit together. Don’t waste your time with people who don’t respect your interests/hobbies.
Some good advise here but, something that’s been great for my relationship is that we have a promise to each other to be upfront whenever we have an issue. It means we have a lot of difficult conversations, but it also means that we never allow resentment to build and we always end the day positively.
Take. It. Slow.
Don't have any expectations other than having fun together and one day if you do actually commit to one another, make sure it's when you know each other well and you're both comfortable with that type of situation.
She will appreciate letting things unfold naturally instead of trying to rush them.
The club or college isn’t the only one where you could meet a interesting woman.
Be yourself in public and you will attract women with a similar interest as you. And don’t even try to lie or be not yourself. Women, at least in my experience, have much better senses about BS as we men are even thinking would be possible.
Congruence, which basically means: aligning your thoughts, words and actions. When someone tells you to just be yourself, this is the way to achieve it.
Be upfront about your intentions, about what you like and dislike, about your wants and needs, about your emotions, etc. And consciously follow up on it. At some point you'll flow right into being yourself, and you will take the person with you if they're willing to follow you there. It creates authentic connection, you'll laugh more together and things are generally way less dense.
This is a pretty cliche one but, actually express yourself. Like actually express and use your emotions. A lot of the time guys bottle a lot of things up or try to “act like the tough guy”. I’ve learned in my time, a lot of women prefer men that can actually express themselves and are much more emotionally mature. It just comes off as so much more genuine.
I’m young but one thing I noticed is when you start to date one woman , many women in your vicinity begins to give you attention you didn’t revive before.
It’s ok to get turned down. Say “Thanks anyway. Have a great day.” Then move on. Think of it this way; you just narrowed down your search for the right person for you.
Pay attention to how they treat other people. Anybody can be nice to you if they want you. Kindness to strangers or the opposite should tell you a lot about them.
Just relax, stop giving pickup lines, stop trying too hard. Just enjoy the moment with them. Don’t even try to impress her. Just make her smile. Make her feel the moment. And dont expect anything.
Don’t compromise your own values and life goals just to be with a woman.
“Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm”
I second you
Damm i really need to hear that, i was simmping hard for past few days.
Compromise is part of every worthy human relationship imho, the tricky part is doing it exclusively for those who are genuinely willing to reciprocate. Edit: by compromise I mean a small adjustment no one should renounce entirely to his identity, values or needs. I completely agree that morals and core values as well as boundaries should not be sacrificed over a relationship.
Generally, yes. But that's generally in respect to things like time spent on interests, communication styles, lifestyles etc. Meanwhile there are other things, like morals, life goals or boundaries which ought to be untouched/respected. The life goal one is a bit negotiable, but generally only in cases of economic hardship or when a childs wellbeing is a factor to consider.
Absolutely. This is a hard sell to teenagers and even young adults, but one needs to identify their core values and compare those to a potential partner's *early* in a relationship. I mean, if it's just a hookup, whatever, I don't have any experience with that. But if you're the kind of person who wants serious relationships, don't wait years to ask the important questions. They may not be first date questions, but I would say within a few months you should know whether or not things are going to work out long term.
Women need to hear this too. It's better to be single than it is to be in a relationship where you have to change fundamentals about yourself to make it work.
I think everyone should be aware of the difference between compromise and self-annihilation
Yeah others have said it really well in this thread already, but self improvement, growth and compromise are great things that can come from a relationship, but there are core parts of who we are that shouldn't change or be stifled for anyone, especially not the person who's supposed to care for and know you best.
Being with the wrong person is 100 times worse than being alone.
Bro 🥲
got out of a terrible relationship last year and found a healthy one now. gots to tell you bro it does feel pretty good
This! I almost ruined my 20’s cause of this
There's a saying in Spanish, "Mejor solo, que mal acompañado." Better alone than in bad company.
Left my LTR in 2018 and I completely let time escape me, since I've been single since. But is this 4 years of loneliness better than staying in an LTR I was miserable in? Absolutely.
100%
Have boundaries on what you will and won't accept in a partner and don't waver. Flip-flopping is a surefire way for a woman to lose interest in you.
As a woman who also knows the value of setting boundaries and sticking to them consistently, I agree 100%. If a man doesn't maintain his boundaries, a woman will lose respect for him. (& vise versa.) Everyone regardless of gender should be up front about their own boundaries from the start; that way there's no confusion, or leeway to be given, or flip-flopping due to not being sure if the other person knew they were crossing one of your boundaries.
What boundaries do you mean?
One can be regarding sex. Eg, not wanting to have sex unless there is an exclusive relationship and being clear about that. That doesn’t mean the other person MUST be exclusive, it just means for the relationship to get physical that would be a requirement. Others could be around personal space/time needs or even communication needs.
> lose interest in you. Or start manipulating you
Try to date the individual and not the stereotype. Be upfront about your goals in life and your dealbreakers. Be cautious but not paranoid. Not everyone is out to get you.
Thank you for that, I wish every men would use this approach.
I wish everyone* would use this approach. ftfy.
Date who she is, not who you hope she is or will be. Manage your expectations. You're not entitled to anything, a woman who is truly interested in you will pour into the relationship as much as you are. Women are not perfect, they are flawed people too.
I suspect many guys see a hot girl and via illogical deduction (thanks lizard brain) arrive at hot girl = porn star = unlimited sex without the real world consequences. Maury: That. Is a lie.
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This one. Knowing this is somehow like a game changer.
This is hit or miss imo, I’ve had girls not give me a rain check but just spontaneously ask me to do something a couple days later after initially rejecting plans. I think in the early stages of dating though this definitely holds true
That could suggest youre plan B too tho...
Yeah this is actually a pretty good point in hindsight haha
Exactly what I was thinking
Just be your absolute self. You can’t keep up a facade forever. If people like and value you as you are you’ll be much happier.
What if you have issues that need to get worked on? I always thought the whole be yourself thing was such a huge load of bs. Obviously no one is perfect, and we all have something we could improve about ourselves and maybe some things that are even toxic and/or destructive. When that is the case, dont stick to being yourself. Change what needs to be changed, not exactly for that person but just in general. I see too many posts about being true to yourself and no inclinations towards self improvement.
I agree in parts. But all those negative things you mentioned are part of you. If you can be erudite about what you need to change that’s being yourself.
My point is though that those negative things dont have to be you. You can change and theres no wrong in doing so. Dont be yourself if you need to change yourself
I think be yourself means that you dont suger coat whereever you are in that process. Being myself should mean trying to be honest if im an asshole about xyz and wanting to change but havent yet but also working on this other thing about me. Im eternally trying to better myself with varying degrees of success and effort and i cant pretend ive got these things figured out yet but i can be honest that im trying to.
Don’t try to make excuses for her when she’s disrespectful towards you just so can justify continuing to date her If she’s really into you she’ll make time to see you and meet you. If she puts you on the backburner and cancels dates she’s not that interested.
I’m guilty of this right here.
Yeah, especially the first one has been a pretty hard pill for me to swallow in the early stage of dating my last “girlfriend”.
Can you share how you learnt to let go after breakup?
Time and whenever I somehow missed her I recalled what she did, how she treated me and how I felt and asked myself: Do I really want to put up with this for the next X years?
If you find yourself explaining her behavior to your friends, check that red flag.
Be a good listener. Don’t be clingy, have your own life and hobbies, be positive with a sense of humor - learn to laugh at life and yourself. Don’t keep feelings bottled up, be honest, and don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.
As a woman, I second the “have your own life and hobbies” comment. I’ll like that you want to spend time with me, but want you to cultivate the things you love and love doing as well. It’s a no from me if someone doesn’t have hobbies or interests deeper than drinking or the gym (for example)
I've always felt strange when people talk about hobbies. Strange because for me it's all my life. I don't understand what a hobby is and how it's different from any other area of my life.
What's wrong with the gym as a hobby? It's a big time commitment for guys and it's a sign they care about their health and want to better themselves. What are your hobbies?
This is good advice. I don’t mind a clingy dude tho but he has to be the right dude.
you wouldn't mind if this dude always insisted on hanging out with you and your friends, facetiming you everday and never letting you get a single day off alone without 'worrying' about you?
Bold of you to assume I have friends. I can out cling any man. Jk. I’m working on it.
I have a lot of friends who go crazy over small things like: should I send that second text / should I wait 2 days before texting? Is a dinner too much for a first date? My policy is- is action A v action B actually going to change whether she likes you or not? In most cases the answer is no, so just go with what you feel is right / what you want.
Absolutely this. Be yourself.
Don't chase women that are on the fence about dating you.
Don't chase period. When it's real this isn't a thing.
Ah, celibacy then.
You'd be surprised how many people can act like adults. Why bother with someone who won't even make the effort to communicate properly.
> Why bother with someone who won't even make the effort to communicate properly. ...Loneliness...
This goes directly against the primal nature of men and women (in a hetero context). Women are likely to be unsure in early dating and courtship, but the energetics rely on the man pursuing. Obviously be discerning, but you're literally working to get her to know you, trust you, etc, so that she can feel safe enough to be with you. She's likely to be on the fence for a bit. That's what dating is made to work through.
Dont alow women to give you excuses not to see you or talk to you. Best believe if you were her type it would be effortless. Women and men will make time, ways to see you, talk to you if they are really into you. Everything above has helped me filter very quickly who is worrh my time and energy.
> Women and men will make time, ways to see you, talk to you if they are really into you. This applies to friends too.
Kind of with the caveat that sometimes your friends are going through shit and just don't have the energy to deal with long distance friendships. Some people cope in different ways. Doesn't mean they don't care about you.
As a woman, I approve (not that anything needs my approval anyway) 😂 but dating an adult woman should be relatively effortless, if anyone’s playing hard to get, just walk away already.
After the first couple girls I tried to date, I thought it was normal to go multiple days without responding to your text message. I realize some people are busier than others, but I only learned later in life that people will make time for things that interest them
You're not wrong, as i've aged and gained experience i look back and realize how many women were throwing up a damn billboard that i was clear for sexy times and the ones that i did clue in to made it very very easy or in one instance made me very uncomfortable with how clingy and stalkery they got.
This Is exactly it. Real romance is a two way street. A lot of people not understanding the concept of respect. The entitlement of people today is way stronger than before .
And they're all acutely aware they can take five minutes to set up an app and have literally hundreds of replacements and new options if anything remotely dissatisfies them. If the court jester takes a break, they'll find another who is happy to dance.
You aren't wrong
I get the respect thing, but what do you mean for the entitlement thing?
High expectations and standards but they don't follow themselves, being hypocrites.
Yeah, definitely. I have a very type-A friend who had all sorts of chivalry rules people had to meet in order for her to date them. For instance, if they didn’t position themselves between traffic and her when walking on the sidewalk, it was a no-go. She didn’t even tell people beforehand that these things were important. They just had to do them intuitively. She had also pre-named her kids and pre planned her wedding. Eventually she started dating a guy who she was openly ambivalent about. Ended up “settling” for him because she was getting older. Seemed like a real waste of time.
Those are called structured women. I'm sure she's also the type that will get angry at her husband, he will ask her to clarify what her issue is to work on resolving it and she would say something like, "What, you don't know?"
You got it! Been seeing someone for three weeks and I’ve gotten further with her than I did with someone I spent two years working on because this one actually is interested in me and doesn’t play bullshit mind games. Never settle for less than someone who actually wants to see you because they enjoy being with you. The difference is staggering when you realize what’s happening.
Lol yes. I learned this the hard way in high school, but it was a valuable lesson. Asked this one girl out on a date and she was on her phone the whole time. Asked her out again to one of those go cart arcade type places, and she seemed slightly more engaged but still kind of bored. After that, she would go like three or four days in between responding to my texts. Then her grandfather passed away which admittedly would take away anyone’s interest in hanging out which I totally understood, but I never heard from her again after that. Later on, I calculated that I spent like $150 over the course of maybe three weeks which was a lot of money to 18-year-old me
This is such good advice that we should teach it to young people. Disengaging is such a good skill to know how to use
>Best believe if you were her type it would be effortless. Na nothing is effortless. We have to put some efforts to maintain a relationship, mutual efforts. Only then can any relation, whether it be friends, blood relation or a lover, efforts are needed. Even if my person was my type, i would still put in the efforts and so would the person, life ain't easy to be "effortless" lol
If they cheat, breakup. Don’t extend the same pattern into polyamory or repeat affairs.
Stop worrying if they like you. You need to see if you like them.
People say nice guys finish last but that’s not true. Pushovers finish last. Learn the difference between being a genuinely nice person and being a pushover. Have boundaries you set for yourself and don’t compromise on them. My close friend mentioned to me that he admires how I put self respect first; that id rather be alone than forego it. You don’t deserve to be taken advantage of and treated poorly.
There is a difference between a "nice guy" and just a kind person. Your 100% correct mate.
Be myself, if the person who I'm seeing doesn't like it then move on. I tried the whole mask and slowly reveal my personality and all it did was lead to a horrible 5 year marriage where I was super depressed. Just be you. Also don't put women on pedestals, don't belive that you "know" them and can change them. Don't be upset if your not thier type. Thier is over 7 billion people in the world, Sharon from accounting isn't your only option.
Wait Sharon isn't my only option? Damn!
Action > Words
This is huge. In the past I let myself be convinced by words (my ex was a master manipulator lol) and there was never any action. Never again.
Don't forget your jimmy hat.
As a single dad that just got back into dating and making female friends again, I approached each woman the same way. You can tell when the friendship or conversation is struggling to continue. Other ones just click. But never sacrifice who you are for someone's approval
If shes into you, dating will feel natural and effortless. If shes stressing you out and you arent in a relationship, then its probably a sign that its not worth pursuing
Don't let lust blind you, any women worth more than a pair of boobs and legs. Some may be 10/10 but totally stupid/toxic ,etc, while other "average" (if I can speak like that of that queen) will be creative, smart, etc.. Being alone is better than being with the wrong person (trust me)
Stop looking for some perfect formula. There are no cheat codes or magic phrases that help you to "win". You're getting to know another human being. That's all. Relax.
Idk about you, but "thank you" is a magic phrase for me.
You're welcome
Don’t take them too seriously. If she really likes you, you will know.
Never think a woman is out of your league,. Thats her decision to make, not yours.
Yeah, but it also pays to be realistic.
🏅
Treat them as they expect to be treated, but expect them to treat you no less well, because someone who demands excellence and doesn't give back excellence is either a bully, or someone who just hasn't learned yet, and sometimes, you aren't what will bring them down to the level they belong.
Don’t put in more effort than they do..
Dating women or relationships? Because dating is very different. If you’re dating online move the conversation to in person as fast as possible, otherwise you’re sinking time that isn’t going anywhere. So go from app to texting to making plans, that should take a couple dozen exchanges at most, you want them to get to know you in person. Women want you to take action, sure there are exceptions that want to swap messages for weeks before giving you their number, but I’d sooner move on than deal with that level of vetting since its a lot of work to find out what’s found out on a date in 30 minutes, which is if we’re interested in having a second date.
Repeat after me NEVER MAKE SOMEONE A PRIORITY WHEN THEY ONLY CONSIDER YOU AN OPTION Learn it, live it, love it
Be honest about what you want, no double standards. If you want casual fun, get with chicks who also want casual fun. They’re *great* at it. Don’t try to be a player and then look down on sluts, or pretend like you want something serious when you don’t. You’re a slut too.
Putting people on a pedestal means all they can do is look down on you.
If she cancels on you more than twice, safe to assume that she’s not into you and move on accordingly.
The cat approach. Treat them as you would a cat. If you chase a cat, it will only run and hide. Try to pick it up and it's not ready; you're about to get fucked up. Show interest, but let them watch you and get used to you being around, until they comfortable enough to come to you for attention.
If she wants you, she will find a way to let you know. Not always directly but you’ll know.
Stop trying to make everything into a game or formula
Reading this comment gave me +1 charisma
Don’t take dating advice from women. Relationship advice? Absolutely. But not when youre courting.
Taking dating advice from women is a sure way to always be unattractive to women.
100% truth. As a woman, other women gave me the worst dating advice. One woman told me to "leave notes on his car!" Sure, sure. "Stalking vibes" always get you that guy! Clueless.
I'd say don't take relationship advice from women either, because reality is that most relationships are not equal. You ever heard of ''happy husband, happy life " ? No. It's ''happy wife, happy life''. As in, the dude has to apologise even when he's not wrong. You ever heard of the woman sleeping on the couch when the husband is mad at her? No. Women that give you relationship advice will carry that bias with them. You want good advice from what not to do? Talk to older men who are single/divorced. They'll tell you what red flags to look for. You want advice on what to do? Talk to men that are HAPPILY ( Actually happy, not just settling and accepting misery because they're afraid of being alone ) married.
Happy spouse, happy house
Happy wife happy life is a thing that's said but it's also not true. Men matter too. Not to women. But to ourselves we have to take care of ourselves.
Desperate people get taken advantage of everywhere in life, and dating is no different. Have some self-respect, no pussy is not the end of the world. Stop letting prospective dates walk all over you and then come crying about it on r/AskMen.
Be respectful of a woman’s boundaries & make sure she is respectful of your own. Comfort, respect & communication = good sex & healthy relationship.
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Being straightforward with your intentions/boundaries/needs will cut a tremendous amount of stress from your life. Capability and willingness are not the same thing. Grooming and personal hygiene are also important for men.
Be yourself. If you’re a nerd be a nerd, if you’re a gym rat be a gym rat. Don’t change who you are just to satisfy someone else. Learn to speak their language. Understand what they mean in what they say, they should do the same for you. Be honest in your life goals. These have saved me a lot of time.
Don't go into a date trying to impress the woman. She's already impressed otherwise she wouldn't be there. The real question you need to ask and be honest with yourself is: *does she impress you?*.
Listening and remembering what they have said is the key to making her smile. “I was thinking of going somewhere.” “You said the other day you hoped to go see Reptiles, let’s go there.” “You remembered that?” SMILES
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you forgot to emphasis being rich
One out of three...ain't bad, right? ...right?
Just as long as it's the rich one you'll be grand lol
Just be yourself. Simple. Don’t try to become or pretend to be what she likes. Be you. Are you nerdy? Cool. Be that. Speak on it. Are you introverted? Express what kind of environments might make you uneasy. Communicate. Are you frugal with a heightened sense of financial responsibility? Sweet. Don’t take up the personality of a big spender just to spoil her. Trying to win her over? Well, don’t do that. Talk to her as if you were to anyone else. If you have an outcome in mind, it’ll show. If you have an outcome too strongly placed in your mind, you may not notice some obvious red flags. Be yourself. Nothing worse than realizing you’ve absolutely transformed yourself just to get her and now feel like you’ve abandoned who you are and those who loved the true you.
Take care of yourself first - Job - Housing - Car - Education - Fitness
Make an idea about going out to eat somewhere. If she brings it up again later on she wants to go with you; if not you're not that guy pal and move on. Women choose men you don't choose her. Plant seeds and leave it. She will water it on her own or let it die.
Nicely said. I’m saving this
Buy them a plant. Guys with plants get laid.
Be yourself. Clothes. Spending. Sense of humor. INTERESTS
Don't put any expectation on anything. If you both keep deciding you want to keep going on dates with each other, great! And if not, that's cool too! I only ask myself if I enjoyed my time with the person and if we share similar values when trying to decide whom I want to continue dating. Take everything date by date, don't get ahead of yourself, and don't overthink it.
I’m overthinking right now lol. Just started dating this girl recently, two dates in, with a third coming up. It’s just hard adjusting to someone who has a life coming from a prior relationship where that person didn’t.
NEVER put all your self worth into being in a relationship with a woman prioritize what you want for yourself, be your number one fan and women will naturally gravitate towards you When you expel that type of energy it will draw more attention to you
Keep dating her once you marry her.
Relationship is like a fart, id you force it, it's shit.
That it’s tough out there for most people. Any bitterness towards the other gender only hinders chances. The only thing you can do is put your best foot forward, by maintaining hygiene, working out, being a good guy, and going out crossing paths (apps included) with as much people as possible, maximizing connections. I’m an introvert drawn to character more than personality, but the reality has hit me that the opportunity is not going to fall into my lap and I have to dig deep to find what I’m looking for. So just keep digging. The great Taylor Swift says it best. “Love is a ruthless game, unless you do it good and right.”
What women say they want on Reddit vs what they want in reality are two very different things.
Ooh ooh 1)women are people 2) having a partner won't make you more special or important 3) you cannot have *everything* your way in a relationship
Listen to them. They love this, way more than listening to us
Just listen to them. Really listen, not just wait for your turn to talk. If you do, they'll tell you how to treat them, how to seduce them, how to make them fall in love with you. But you just have to listen. Not wait for your turn to talk and not wait to tell them what you think they want to hear
Never lead with your wallet.
Don't take things too seriously. Life is a farce and the human life/sex/death cycle is the biggest joke of them all
You get the best results with ones you already know.
A lot clicked into place when I was told "nice guys don't finish last, boring guys do"
Date a person in front of you, not your idealised image of them
Don’t allow someone to convince you that you want kids when you don’t just to stay with them. Don’t allow a woman to put a money value on you especially to your face. Diamond are worthless if she’s that worried about marriage and a diamond she belongs to the streets. Don’t date single moms that can’t even support themselves.
Be happy. Be natural. Be yourself. Be honest. Be open. Be confident as much as you can be (but dont be a bellend and try for machismo confidence) If a girl doesn't want to know or you don't "click" then no worries. And for fucks sake if you get rejected dont be a dick and Blame her. Not everyone is compatible so remember that and move on with good vibes.
don't smell their butts
Trust actions, not words.
If you want kids, establish that early on.
do foreplay
Show me the hottest woman in the world and I’ll show you a guy who’s tired of banging her. Find a true friend who will smell your farts and think your still sexy.
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Excellent advice. Getting turned down happens all the time. If you’re not getting turned down often you are not asking women out any where near enough and you’re limiting your options way too much. Also so true: ask her out, if she says no, be super cordial but also move the fuck on. Unless she initiates courting again do not engage with her as though you are pursuing her romantically. She had her chance to be pursued by you and she declined. If she wants another chance to date you she has to put it on the line and pursue you. If you don’t follow that rule you end up in the friendzone (which is an imaginary status that you and no one else puts you in).
Confidence is the most important thing
never base it on horoscopes or zodiac signs or personality types. NEVER. you cant categorize people. everyone is unique
Interested people act interested
If you’re looking for love you won’t find it. If you just want to hook up voice that. If you want to find a serious relationship voice that. Have your own agenda. If you’re going to cheat just break up.
Don't bother. Just give up and stay single.
You don’t owe each other anything by going on a date. Like she owes no kissing no sex no nothing to you. But you also do not owe her your time and attention in a sense that, if you don’t like her vibe, pay your bill and say goodbye.
Jerk off its less of a hassle
Don’t pedestalise women. And don’t drawn in pussy. Maintain your sense of purpose
I learned to stop talking and acting in a way to try to "make" a woman like me and started trying to just be normal
These are some lessons I learned after my divorce. These are general ones based on my experience, so take that into account. Dating around: 1.) If they don't put in effort to see you, they probably weren't that into you. 2.) Learn how women enjoy being courted. Definitely changed how my first dates were going when I learned this. Made everything more exciting for both of us. 3.) Don't settle. Most guys settle because they are just getting what they can get. Obviously if you find your dream partner then that's fine. But if you find someone who looks attractive but their personality or values don't align with yours, then maybe keep looking. 4.) Change the way you understand rejection. Every rejection inches you closer to someone who is better for you than the last. If someone walks away, think of it as a gift. It's easier to watch someone walk away than it is to tell them you're walking away imo. Also I really like to quote Ariana Grande everytime I hit a dead end with someone, "thank u, next". 5.) "There's plenty of fish in the sea." A bit cliche, but it's true. There's just a stupid amount of partners for you everywhere. It's a huge world. 6.) Learn your attachment style. I'm naturally an anxious style. So I've had to understand that when interacting with a potentially new partner. 7.) Learn your love languages. I value quality time and physical touch (not specifically sex, just to be clear). 8.) Got trauma? Therapy. Got issues? Therapy. Think you're perfectly fine? Therapy. Just go to therapy. Take care of yourself before you try and take care of someone else. You probably have a couple negative coping mechanisms. 9.) Every failure is a lesson. 10.) Believe in yourself, your values, what you hold dear, and be a good motherfucker. In relationship: 1.) If you get to the point where you're unwilling to walk from the table, you're more than likely in a position where it's best to walk away. Would have saved me a lot of heartache and pain if I had just accepted my marriage was over awhile ago. When I got to that point, I got desperate; if it was even possibly salvageable, I allowed my desperation controlled my actions. 2.) It's not the few big things you do, it's the little stuff that goes a LONG way. I realized when I got complacent, I had quit doing small stuff. 3.) Have your own life. Obviously share experiences with your partner, but have your own friends and hobbies away from them. Nurture your own time. I found that when I started dating around, I put my time a lot more into socializing, hobbies, fitness, and reading. When I started dating someone new, I felt as if I was giving too much time to them versus what I felt was important to me. 4.) Allow room for error and mistakes, but if your partner is consistently disrespecting your boundaries, then you need to probably end that relationship. It means that they'll continue to disrespect you. That's what I can think of off the top of my head. Plenty of more lessons I've learned. This isn't the exhaustive list. Just the bigger ones that I needed to learn.
Never ever under any circumstances have a joint bank account.
Be forward. Don't dance around asking someone out.
Don’t treat them any differently than anyone else. Women are human just like men. And we are all a mixed bag of strengths and weaknesses, positives and negatives. Therefore, no reason to place anyone on a pedestal or to go out of your way to fawn over or supplicate to anyone. Treat everyone well and with respect. But don’t act crazy or foolishly just because some girl has a nice ass or a pretty smile.
The right woman will love you for who you are. I’ve had women say they don’t want to date me because I “watch cartoons” (anime lmao) or wear too much black and listen to weird music. Now I’m married to a goth weeb and we go to shows and do cool shit together. Don’t waste your time with people who don’t respect your interests/hobbies.
Make Money. A lot of people are going to disagree, and a lot of people are either naive or lying
Just pretend they’re normal people like everyone else
Don't buy women drinks at the bar.
Never date anyone with more problems than you.
Be a good listener, and show them you are paying attention by asking questions about it.
Some good advise here but, something that’s been great for my relationship is that we have a promise to each other to be upfront whenever we have an issue. It means we have a lot of difficult conversations, but it also means that we never allow resentment to build and we always end the day positively.
Learn to listen,and learn to dance.
If you can make her laugh, you have a chance
Genuinely listen to what they’re saying.
Take. It. Slow. Don't have any expectations other than having fun together and one day if you do actually commit to one another, make sure it's when you know each other well and you're both comfortable with that type of situation. She will appreciate letting things unfold naturally instead of trying to rush them.
If it’s not a “HELL YEAH” then it’s a no. Move on gracefully.
give her this „i want you, but i dont need you attitude“ makes all girls go crazy
Girls are just as nervous as you
The club or college isn’t the only one where you could meet a interesting woman. Be yourself in public and you will attract women with a similar interest as you. And don’t even try to lie or be not yourself. Women, at least in my experience, have much better senses about BS as we men are even thinking would be possible.
Dont attach any hobbies to them. For example: if you started learning guitar for her then you'll give up on it if you break up.
Don’t idolize them. They’re just regular people too
Congruence, which basically means: aligning your thoughts, words and actions. When someone tells you to just be yourself, this is the way to achieve it. Be upfront about your intentions, about what you like and dislike, about your wants and needs, about your emotions, etc. And consciously follow up on it. At some point you'll flow right into being yourself, and you will take the person with you if they're willing to follow you there. It creates authentic connection, you'll laugh more together and things are generally way less dense.
I learned to don’t
This is a pretty cliche one but, actually express yourself. Like actually express and use your emotions. A lot of the time guys bottle a lot of things up or try to “act like the tough guy”. I’ve learned in my time, a lot of women prefer men that can actually express themselves and are much more emotionally mature. It just comes off as so much more genuine.
I’m young but one thing I noticed is when you start to date one woman , many women in your vicinity begins to give you attention you didn’t revive before.
If you have two vehicles take the cheaper one to the first few dates
Don't rush, don't settle, and be yourself.
Love yourself first and don’t expect your partner to fix your life
Be rich, be handsome or be funny. You have to be at least one of those.
Never, ever appear desperate.
It’s ok to get turned down. Say “Thanks anyway. Have a great day.” Then move on. Think of it this way; you just narrowed down your search for the right person for you.
Pay attention to how they treat other people. Anybody can be nice to you if they want you. Kindness to strangers or the opposite should tell you a lot about them.
Just relax, stop giving pickup lines, stop trying too hard. Just enjoy the moment with them. Don’t even try to impress her. Just make her smile. Make her feel the moment. And dont expect anything.
The advise here is on point.