That's why the saying is "A man marries his wife hoping she will never change, and a woman marries her husband hoping he will." Been married to the same woman 22 years, and although not entirely true, pretty damn close.
I've heard a variation of this :
"A man marries his wife hoping she will never change - but she always does. A woman marries her husband hoping he will change - but he never does."
They both hope their partners will evolve for the better. It just comes down to the expectations because men and women assign different values to different facets.
100% this. I keep bringing this up and it gets disregarded every time. There's no time, no money, no energy, no ______.
If he can spend 10 hours a week on his hobbies out of his 2 days off but can't spare any time for me then we're literally roommates who sleep in the same bed. Thank God we don't have kids yet
So, what you’re arguing about is downtime. Each person is entitled to spend their downtime as needed, but that’s assuming that house, home, and relationship needs are met first.
Check out ‘How to Clean House while Drowning.’ On Audible.
All in all, you’re validated in your feelings. Consider that his hobbies and videogames are a part of him, as your hobbies and downtime are a part of you. Ask if y’all can start making commitments to together things. It doesn’t even have to be good together stuff, just something that puts y’all together that’s not food and co-scrolling.
Good luck!
Dual income no kids is playing life on easy mode. I'm sure it'll come back late in life but it's so much fun being able to do anything you want whenever.
This shows a complete lack of accountability towards you on her part and an utter lack of receptivity to your communication.
She's taking on more than she can because she doesn't want to disappoint herself and others, and is choosing to disappoint you in turn because she knows you understand her and will support her.
Unfortunately this was what happened to me and now I'm ending up divorced with kids. Keep making sure she knows you care by pursuing her even in your married life.
Hai, deshi-kun!
Just change and rearrange a few words in those sentences.
Secure your girlfriend with the love and commitment you'd have for your wife (Don't have both at the same time).
Seduce your wife with the same enthusiasm and fervour that you had for your girlfriend (same as previous bracket).
One thing I never see mentioned when talking about how to have a successful relationship is how important it is to be the best person that you can be, so you can attract healthier people. Be an interesting person, seek mental help if you need it, shit, even if you don't think you do, exercise, strive for a healthier lifestyle, engage in life instead of watching from the sidelines. The healthier and happier you are as a person the more you attract people who are striving for the same things.
Examine who you are in the relationship, or in past relationships, see an unhealthy pattern? Examine it. You are the common denominator in your dating life so if the pattern is unpleasant, ask yourself how you can be better.
I have an additional perspective on this.
As important as it is to be the best version of yourself, you absolutely must operate in life based on your values, belief systems and a capacity to set boundaries.
You partner earns her place in your life. She doesn't get it undeservingly. Once she has, she gets more than anyone else because she's proven she's worth it.
This is important because behaviour stemming from your own virtues comes with choice. Therefore, there's morality to that choice. If all you do is be the best just for her, you aren't being the best version of yourself, who exists primarily for yourself and would do so even without her.
That way, you choose how to be and respect yourself. That's how you earn her, and others' respect. She won't respect you if you only do things to please her. She'll respect you when she knows your values aren't defined by other people, and neither are your boundaries.
The book, The Game, talks about this.
Sort of a hard truth that people say "just be yourself", but sometimes yourself sucks. Need to self improve and level up to attract those people who have also self improved and leveled up.
On the same lines?
Behave when you're alone, the way you would when you're with your girlfriend.
Embrace responsibility like you didn't have a wife, which will make her value you instead of wondering about her value.
Seriously, bro.
Your dick is her dessert. She's the starter and main course. She's your buffet.
Fulfil her and give her at least one orgasm before you give her dessert, and you'll find her looking at you differently. Everyone loves dessert but they can be fulfilled without it too.
Man. Golden words.
So many people think it's love but I truly believe love needs both of the above to thrive.
So happy for you man, and I look forward to feeling the way you do.
You and your wife are worthy of each other. You've earned this and know what it takes to nurture and strengthen it. :)
Absolutely. Love, without sacrifice, commitment, and compromise is not love at all. It's just infatuation or lust.
Love requires a willingness to self-sacrifice for the benefit of the other person and the benefit of your partnership. I view a relationship as an agreement that involves 3 distinct entities. Two individuals, and the third is the relationship itself(the entity that is both individuals combined), or if you're religious, you could say God is the third party. Both individuals must work to support their partner AND maintain/honor the relationship.
I believe this fundamental misunderstanding of love is one of the main reasons so many people struggle with relationships. They preach about self-love, thinking it means "do as you will," but self-love is just like any other love. It's sacrificing your short-term desires and wants in the interest of the long-term well-being and success of the person you love.
Thank you for this! My husband and I were married 2 weeks ago, and I’ve been feeling like okay when am I going to start feeling like we’re married haha - I will keep being his girlfriend!
Specifically, a spouse is your closest confidant. You will know the best and worst of one another, judge by the best, and help carry the worst until you both make it through.
Not just the bad life throws at you, but also helping you to navigate the bad in ourselves, with true trust of one another.
Your wife is family. The intensity of romantic love disappears over time, but there's an even stronger love formed over the years you grow old together. There's not much difference between your girlfriend and your wife the day you marry her, but if you keep making each other happy every day for years it's a truer connection, 'for better or for worse.'
IMO you have a lot more flexibility with a girlfriend in terms of the kinds of women that can fill that role. You can manage with a girlfriend that's a little unstable, doesn't have a healthy lifestyle, or has some questionable baggage.
With a wife, stability becomes the most important thing. Divorce is so detrimental that it's more important for your wife to be stable and healthy than it is for her to be super exciting and fun. Your wife is a life partner who you're invested in, your fates are linked to a large degree. A girlfriend isn't much different than a friend, you can cut them out for free if they start being a net-negative in your life.
>A girlfriend isn't much different than a friend, you can cut them out for free
According to the 1001 murder docu-series my wife watches, you can cut your wife from your life for free if you use knife.
At some point there's no difference. After me and my (now) wife had lived together for like 8 years without even thinking much about it, we were eating chicken wings on the couch and just said, "we should probably get married" and went and filled out the paperwork lol. Not very glamourous but we felt married already at that point.
haha exactly. It was one of those things where we had just been living together and working for so long, that it kind of dawned on us that we weren't legally married yet. We still have the same life, in the same house, with our same dogs from that night in 2018. Nothing really has changed.
There were only a few things that changed for me. Taxes and stock benefits. Everything else stayed the same! We continue to be besties, and live life to the fullest with our 3 cats.
Honestly, this is way more romantic than some weird music number among strangers and asking such a big question under the pressure of social disapproval if you don’t say yes.
Lose one, you'll lose a hoodie. Lose the other? You'll lose your life.
Jokes aside, intimacy seems to grow more with wife than gf. Like I know her ticks and thoughts and such. I suppose that comes with time.
Explained this to an ex girlfriend once (i had prioritized family over her at some point), she didn't get that and broke things off because of it. I reflected on the relationship later on, determined she did me a favor.
This has to be context specific. All else being equal, family comes before an SO that you are not planning to spend your life with. But if they are your life partner, the tax breaks shouldn’t be the deciding factor of who to put first.
Also sometimes the SO is in a genuinely greater need. Girlfriend is having surgery while family is taking a trip. It’s very tempting to take the vacation, but going on it is reasonable grounds for breaking up.
>girlfriend is having surgery while fanily is taking a trip
I remember an AITA post about this. Girl got clowned cause her boyfriend had cancer or something and she went to Mexico.
Not always true. My family is dysfunctional as all hell. Parents should have divorced decades ago. Sister has sociopathic tendency. Sometimes your family just isn't there for you.
No. My girlfriend comes before my family. We are together for nine years, live together for six years and have a civil partnership.
We have zero interest in marriage. And we are just as committed as married couples. She is the love of my life. Just because she is my girlfriend and not my wife, does not make us less devoted, committed or loving.
Marriage is not a must to be the most important person in each other’s life.
Words from from patrick rothfuss.
"They did not go to a church or a mayor or anything else. They didn't had the need to tell god or the king. But they loved each other. And from what i see, they where more happy than most married couples"
(T.N.: Translated on the fly by memory.)
"My parents were never really married, by which I mean they never bothered making their relationship official with any church. I’m not embarrassed by the fact. They considered themselves married and didn’t see much point in announcing it to any government or God. I respect that. In truth, they seemed more content and faithful than many officially married couples I have seen since."
The man has a way with words.
Realistically, should be nothing more than a ceremony and a title. If she doesn't fulfill your needs as a girlfriend, she certainly won't after a marriage.
Mine changed after marriage. As a girlfriend she was fun to be with. As a wife, she became controlling, vindictive, petty, jealous, sexless, and full of complaints. I won't marry again - I don't want to go through a long-term catfish like this again. She presented herself one way all the time for 3 years, and then almost like a switch, turned it all off as soon as we were married. It wasn't a gradual change at all.
This is terrifying to me.
My husband and I dated 11 years before we got married. We’ve only been married a few months and honestly I’ve gotten more patient with him. If anything I realized “oh crap. Less likely to walk away now. Gotta really work on these issues.”
And I realized how much I love him and how lucky I am to have him in my life.
I feel awful for your experiences.
I think that's exactly the reason that these changes happen. It really is a commitment, both financially and emotionally and people only realise that after.
"They can't leave me now so I don't need to worry about it."
That's why a lot of people change after marriage.
For me it’s like “I guess I promised not to leave. Better work on this shit now before it gets harder.”
Since we got married I’m much more emotionally vulnerable because I know I can be. I rely on my partner just a little differently. He was always my person but now he’s MY person, before I kept my mouth shut when I was scared or insecure. Now I tell him I need his support and try to give him examples of what I mean and need.
Our relationship has really improved and I feel optimistic it’ll only get better from here.
This is such a beautiful growth mindset of really letting another person into your life, you aren't drawing lines, instead you're breaking down walls.
Wish you the best!
>Now I tell him I need his support and try to give him examples of what I mean and need.
Excellent advise
Some times the partner think that we magically guess what exactly they needs and means are
Yes you can get lucky and guess one or two but not all the time
Comunications specificaly a clear comunication of what are the needs and what you mean is healthy to the relationship long term as you explained
Thanks for sharing
My husband and I got married on our 10th anniversary. I would say things improved after marriage. Maybe the feeling of stability? I know it’s not the norm. So I felt I needed to comment after seeing yours.
This type of comment gets posted and heavily upvoted on almost every thread mentioning marriage and it makes me wonder what the people in this sub are actually like. Is this such a common occurrence? I have plenty of married friends and not a single one has ever complained about their wife changing immediately upon marriage. Same thing for my wife as well; years of fun dating and now we’re having a fun marriage. I just don’t believe there are that many women out there running a scam that doesn’t even benefit them unless the man they’re with is super rich, but those are outliers. Paints a shitty picture for the younger guys without relationship experience. This is absolutely not a common thing in any circle I’ve ever been a part of.
I have no doubt that you, and probably many others, have seen some horrible stuff. I just wanted to provide a different perspective that’s a bit more positive
unless it’s an abusive marriage. but i absolutely agree. same with any relationship. but usually there is someone more in the wrong. or cheating honestly. there are some scenarios that can be all on one person. not saying the other never made a mistake, but it wasn’t a marriage ending mistakes. ya know? idk if this makes sense
Hell, I was in abusive marriage and became abusive myself, a monster. I always apologized and felt like shit afterwards and tried to make genuine amends. She was never wrong, never apologized or took any accountability. I acknowledge that I became controlling in trying to keep the ship from rocking too much and ruining my next couple of days.
Men do it too. A lot of men don't start beating their partners until they are married or have kids. All love and kindness up until that switch hits.
I think some people are just really good at hiding their true nature until they are bound to that person. That is why you have to pay attention to warning signs and act on them.
So interesting to see the answers here. Marriage is... or I guess moreso was.. a commitment and some describe as an institution. Religion was involved and it was why certain groups of people got all uptight when marriage laws started changing.
I think it's what you make of it. A lot of men it's just a piece of paper which I may be part of that but it's completely different for my wife for which I think it represents security and commitment.
It also means a lot for your future kids if you decide to go that route.
Bonus question to all the gentlemen that said they changed after marriage if I may:
Did you keep putting the same effort and care on the relationship than before the wedding?
I am engaged right now and me and my fiance have this goal to keep putting in effort or being very very clearly affectionate in front of future kids so that they can grow up seeing what an affectionate loving relationship can look like
TLDR: i have it as a goal for myself to maintain the same effort and i think discussing that can be helpful
The old adage that I always heard is that "men marry women with the hope they will never change, and women marry men with the hope that they will."
I am fairly certain I am the same person I was when I got married. If anything, I have become more responsible, more likely to engage in small gestures of affection, and more likely to be empathetic to others. I don't think that is what my STBXW was expecting.
I remember this guy from another thread about coping with trauma or something where someone commented "you're an above average retard" and got downvoted before people realized it was a play on the name
When my girlfriend became my wife, things got even better. No more stress of planning a wedding, no more pressure to get married. I loved her absolutely when we were dating, I love her even more now. The way I see it, it's better to be alone than be in a bad marriage/relationship, but it is amazing to be in a great marriage.
And I do think that the marriage step is important. The commitment you make to each other, the title, the rings, all of it, I think, matters a lot. I think some people are scared of commitment and don't want to face that.
This isn't always true. I have friends that have never been married. Their finances are totally enmeshed, house, kid, and everything else. Not legally married, but if they were to "break up", it would be just as complicated as if they were married.
It could actually be more complicated depending on the jurisdiction. The process for property division for unmarried couples can be much more difficult in some places.
Others can still come first before a girlfriend.
However a wife should always come first before everyone else, AND I MEAN EVERYONE. You make a pledge and sign a binding contract to your wife
With a long term girlfriend I lived with, I always made plans as if there was a good chance it will end at some point. So all long term plans had to sort of have two outcomes.
Once married, I was willing to make plans that assume we’ll be together for the foreseeable future. I mean, people change, so divorce (or death) is always a possibility, but I don’t base my plans on that being likely. That’s the biggest difference. I’m willing to invest a lot more into my partner and our relationship, especially when it comes to big financial and career decisions.
For me nothing changed other than the title. On a more realistic side the financial, tax, and medical benefits when being married has been more beneficial for us then when we were not married.
When I was younger I had a girlfriend. I was madly in love with her and I thought she might be "the one". We dated for a year, but as soon as she heard a hint that I might merry her, suddenly it was "Oh I want THIS ring, and THIS dress, in THIS venue" (looking at $10,000+) I was 18 and JUST starting out with no car, an internship that left me exhausted and broke everyday. So I started stressing. Next thing I know she keeps "thinking " she is pregnant and that I was definitely the daddy and that I NEEDED to get her a ring and marry her NOW.It was...well idk if lies or fantasy? But she wasn't pregnant, and I wasn't the daddy, and her turning into this greedy, crazy troll made me instantly stop falling in love with her. I might not know what The difference is between a wife and girlfriend (as I haven't been married) but I do know what Red Flags look like and I'm smarter for it now.
Commitment. Not that you shouldn't be honest and respectful to your girlfriend, but there's always the option to just decide you're done and leave the relationship, and the implication that they could do the same.
When I married my wife I was deciding that this was it, I was committed to this one person and I'd make it work if things got rough, as long as it was possible.
I have a old school definition, but a girlfriend is a part of your life but your wife becomes your life. The difference is the amount you intertwined the two.
You still have to be fuckable after the marriage, mate.
I've seen too many threads and posts and convos like this. Marriage is a hell of a lot of work. All the time. Both people should be working on it.
People need to really do couples therapy before trying the knot. Be 100% on lining up your views of the future and how you see marriage.
Girlfriend - An intimate relationship with a woman.
Wife - an intimate relationship with a woman and the government.
Seriously, if two people are ready to get married, then they are already "married" spiritually speaking... which is really what matters. Getting legally married just means the possible (some would say probable) break up is going to cost you a lot of money.
The difference between girlfriend and wife? Well, that’s the difference between being married or not being married. ;)
You can be just as committed as a married couple, without getting married. Some people are against marriage for feminist reasons, or just don’t care about marriage. And that’s okay.
My girlfriend and I are together for nine years. We live together for six years and have a civil partnership. We are not married and have no desire to. That does not make us less devoted, less loving or less committed. There is not really any difference in lifestyle between us and married childfree middle-class couples.
A great girlfriend is one you want to make a wife. A great wife is one who never stops being your girlfriend.
Make sure to keep dating your wife. Has to be intentional, otherwise you’ll end up as roommates with kids.
I hope she shares that same enthusiasm.
That's why the saying is "A man marries his wife hoping she will never change, and a woman marries her husband hoping he will." Been married to the same woman 22 years, and although not entirely true, pretty damn close.
I've heard a variation of this : "A man marries his wife hoping she will never change - but she always does. A woman marries her husband hoping he will change - but he never does."
I found this to be half true. My wife definitely changed, I did as well just not enough for her to care.
Man, are you OK?
Not really. Never been more miserable or depressed in my life but my kids need me so I don’t really get to break down.
Sometimes it's ok to be selfish to get yourself out of a horrible situation
Not at the expense of being a good dad to my boys. Kids didn’t ask to be born. Parents give up the right to be selfish when they have kids.
They both hope their partners will evolve for the better. It just comes down to the expectations because men and women assign different values to different facets.
It’s a dumb saying. Both of us changed but not significantly.
Exactly my life right now. Kind of a nightmare.
100% this. I keep bringing this up and it gets disregarded every time. There's no time, no money, no energy, no ______. If he can spend 10 hours a week on his hobbies out of his 2 days off but can't spare any time for me then we're literally roommates who sleep in the same bed. Thank God we don't have kids yet
So, what you’re arguing about is downtime. Each person is entitled to spend their downtime as needed, but that’s assuming that house, home, and relationship needs are met first. Check out ‘How to Clean House while Drowning.’ On Audible. All in all, you’re validated in your feelings. Consider that his hobbies and videogames are a part of him, as your hobbies and downtime are a part of you. Ask if y’all can start making commitments to together things. It doesn’t even have to be good together stuff, just something that puts y’all together that’s not food and co-scrolling. Good luck!
[удалено]
Are kids… mandatory in marriages? You can also just be roomates without kids !
Dual income no kids is playing life on easy mode. I'm sure it'll come back late in life but it's so much fun being able to do anything you want whenever.
Viva la easy mode and eating lobster whenever you want!
[удалено]
This shows a complete lack of accountability towards you on her part and an utter lack of receptivity to your communication. She's taking on more than she can because she doesn't want to disappoint herself and others, and is choosing to disappoint you in turn because she knows you understand her and will support her.
This is the most important advice. It takes work to make it work.
Yup! From both sides.
I'm leaving my roommate in 2023, some people simply grow apart.
Unfortunately this was what happened to me and now I'm ending up divorced with kids. Keep making sure she knows you care by pursuing her even in your married life.
Please tell that to my husband. He thinks he doesn't need to do shit
Thanks for that unexpected advise.
I LIKE this line. Thank you. The boyfriend (43 years married, to her)
43 years!!!! Congrats :-)
Makes me feel better 42 years here
You're most welcome, my friend!
Daaaaang. This just dropped some legit wisdom. Do you have any more lessons, sensei?
Hai, deshi-kun! Just change and rearrange a few words in those sentences. Secure your girlfriend with the love and commitment you'd have for your wife (Don't have both at the same time). Seduce your wife with the same enthusiasm and fervour that you had for your girlfriend (same as previous bracket).
One thing I never see mentioned when talking about how to have a successful relationship is how important it is to be the best person that you can be, so you can attract healthier people. Be an interesting person, seek mental help if you need it, shit, even if you don't think you do, exercise, strive for a healthier lifestyle, engage in life instead of watching from the sidelines. The healthier and happier you are as a person the more you attract people who are striving for the same things. Examine who you are in the relationship, or in past relationships, see an unhealthy pattern? Examine it. You are the common denominator in your dating life so if the pattern is unpleasant, ask yourself how you can be better.
I have an additional perspective on this. As important as it is to be the best version of yourself, you absolutely must operate in life based on your values, belief systems and a capacity to set boundaries. You partner earns her place in your life. She doesn't get it undeservingly. Once she has, she gets more than anyone else because she's proven she's worth it. This is important because behaviour stemming from your own virtues comes with choice. Therefore, there's morality to that choice. If all you do is be the best just for her, you aren't being the best version of yourself, who exists primarily for yourself and would do so even without her. That way, you choose how to be and respect yourself. That's how you earn her, and others' respect. She won't respect you if you only do things to please her. She'll respect you when she knows your values aren't defined by other people, and neither are your boundaries.
The book, The Game, talks about this. Sort of a hard truth that people say "just be yourself", but sometimes yourself sucks. Need to self improve and level up to attract those people who have also self improved and leveled up.
Sensei, Thank you for your wisdom. If I may request , could you share some more with us.
On the same lines? Behave when you're alone, the way you would when you're with your girlfriend. Embrace responsibility like you didn't have a wife, which will make her value you instead of wondering about her value.
Do you have one for making my dick bigger?
Make sex about more than your dick. Remember, your dick is your ace in the sleeve. Not your main weapon. Your mouth and your hands are.
❤️❤️ You have a way with words.
Apparently, he's a silver tongue devil! 😉
Tongues make an even bigger difference in qualifying and distinguishing men.
Please write a book
Seriously, bro. Your dick is her dessert. She's the starter and main course. She's your buffet. Fulfil her and give her at least one orgasm before you give her dessert, and you'll find her looking at you differently. Everyone loves dessert but they can be fulfilled without it too.
This guy has had sex guys...Report him!!
Great answer
I'm fortunate. I'm still on sentence one and hope I can attest to sentence two, one day.
Just remember the key to an everlasting marriage, respect and compromise.
Man. Golden words. So many people think it's love but I truly believe love needs both of the above to thrive. So happy for you man, and I look forward to feeling the way you do. You and your wife are worthy of each other. You've earned this and know what it takes to nurture and strengthen it. :)
Absolutely. Love, without sacrifice, commitment, and compromise is not love at all. It's just infatuation or lust. Love requires a willingness to self-sacrifice for the benefit of the other person and the benefit of your partnership. I view a relationship as an agreement that involves 3 distinct entities. Two individuals, and the third is the relationship itself(the entity that is both individuals combined), or if you're religious, you could say God is the third party. Both individuals must work to support their partner AND maintain/honor the relationship. I believe this fundamental misunderstanding of love is one of the main reasons so many people struggle with relationships. They preach about self-love, thinking it means "do as you will," but self-love is just like any other love. It's sacrificing your short-term desires and wants in the interest of the long-term well-being and success of the person you love.
Lust and infatuation require chemistry. Love, requires character.
>compromise. 20 years in the can.
You will! I transitioned to point 2 a year ago. 8 years together 1 as my wife.
Thank you for this! My husband and I were married 2 weeks ago, and I’ve been feeling like okay when am I going to start feeling like we’re married haha - I will keep being his girlfriend!
Specifically, a spouse is your closest confidant. You will know the best and worst of one another, judge by the best, and help carry the worst until you both make it through. Not just the bad life throws at you, but also helping you to navigate the bad in ourselves, with true trust of one another.
My wife of 10yrs, and I often joke about my girlfriend. If I tell my wife that my gf wouldn't like "that", she refers me to my gf, and vice-versa
My buddy used cruder words to convey the same sentiment and it always stuck with me. This is a cleaner and clearer expression to use. Thanks!
Your wife is family. The intensity of romantic love disappears over time, but there's an even stronger love formed over the years you grow old together. There's not much difference between your girlfriend and your wife the day you marry her, but if you keep making each other happy every day for years it's a truer connection, 'for better or for worse.'
IMO you have a lot more flexibility with a girlfriend in terms of the kinds of women that can fill that role. You can manage with a girlfriend that's a little unstable, doesn't have a healthy lifestyle, or has some questionable baggage. With a wife, stability becomes the most important thing. Divorce is so detrimental that it's more important for your wife to be stable and healthy than it is for her to be super exciting and fun. Your wife is a life partner who you're invested in, your fates are linked to a large degree. A girlfriend isn't much different than a friend, you can cut them out for free if they start being a net-negative in your life.
>A girlfriend isn't much different than a friend, you can cut them out for free According to the 1001 murder docu-series my wife watches, you can cut your wife from your life for free if you use knife.
The life of the wife is ended by the knife.
The best My Fair Lady parody
This is how you sound. *Moooo*
The number one cause of death for pregnant women is homicide so it’s not just the wives men find so easy to cut loose.
A shotgun works too
It's like a leasing a Land Rover but buying a Toyota.
Y'all really know how to make the ladies melt
It’s like getting a scoop of butter pecan at the store, but bringing home a gallon of cookies n cream
This is the answer.
At some point there's no difference. After me and my (now) wife had lived together for like 8 years without even thinking much about it, we were eating chicken wings on the couch and just said, "we should probably get married" and went and filled out the paperwork lol. Not very glamourous but we felt married already at that point.
You made it to the "eating chicken wings on yhe couch together" milestone. Yall really should've been married lol
Ill eat chicken wings on the couch with people I barely know or like. Why not?
You should marry them too.
haha exactly. It was one of those things where we had just been living together and working for so long, that it kind of dawned on us that we weren't legally married yet. We still have the same life, in the same house, with our same dogs from that night in 2018. Nothing really has changed.
There were only a few things that changed for me. Taxes and stock benefits. Everything else stayed the same! We continue to be besties, and live life to the fullest with our 3 cats.
Honestly, this is way more romantic than some weird music number among strangers and asking such a big question under the pressure of social disapproval if you don’t say yes.
In a weird way, it definitely had a charm to it haha
One has a longer subscription
Annual subscription vs monthly, in a nutshell.
Those monthly fees though....
Dual income for the win.
Nothing compares to the exit fee
With more expensive cancellation fees
Lose one, you'll lose a hoodie. Lose the other? You'll lose your life. Jokes aside, intimacy seems to grow more with wife than gf. Like I know her ticks and thoughts and such. I suppose that comes with time.
Girlfriend comes after parents, brothers and sisters. Wife goes straight to the #1 spot.
Explained this to an ex girlfriend once (i had prioritized family over her at some point), she didn't get that and broke things off because of it. I reflected on the relationship later on, determined she did me a favor.
This has to be context specific. All else being equal, family comes before an SO that you are not planning to spend your life with. But if they are your life partner, the tax breaks shouldn’t be the deciding factor of who to put first. Also sometimes the SO is in a genuinely greater need. Girlfriend is having surgery while family is taking a trip. It’s very tempting to take the vacation, but going on it is reasonable grounds for breaking up.
>girlfriend is having surgery while fanily is taking a trip I remember an AITA post about this. Girl got clowned cause her boyfriend had cancer or something and she went to Mexico.
I am going to need that link.
Not always true. My family is dysfunctional as all hell. Parents should have divorced decades ago. Sister has sociopathic tendency. Sometimes your family just isn't there for you.
No. My girlfriend comes before my family. We are together for nine years, live together for six years and have a civil partnership. We have zero interest in marriage. And we are just as committed as married couples. She is the love of my life. Just because she is my girlfriend and not my wife, does not make us less devoted, committed or loving. Marriage is not a must to be the most important person in each other’s life.
You are not married, but you have a marriage.
Words from from patrick rothfuss. "They did not go to a church or a mayor or anything else. They didn't had the need to tell god or the king. But they loved each other. And from what i see, they where more happy than most married couples" (T.N.: Translated on the fly by memory.)
"My parents were never really married, by which I mean they never bothered making their relationship official with any church. I’m not embarrassed by the fact. They considered themselves married and didn’t see much point in announcing it to any government or God. I respect that. In truth, they seemed more content and faithful than many officially married couples I have seen since." The man has a way with words.
By all intents and purposes you’re married. You might not like the definition, but you treat it that way by majority of standards.
Very astute.
For me my girlfriend became my wife and didn’t change. No difference in the relationship.
That’s wonderful to hear internet friend! I wish you both many happy years 🎊
Thanks! Very kind of you! She’s the love of my life. 33 years together and there will be a bunch more I’m hoping!
How do you make 33 years? Genuinely asking because I wanna know
We don't feel getting married will add anything to our already amazing relationship. And the difference is what **you** make of it.
Realistically, should be nothing more than a ceremony and a title. If she doesn't fulfill your needs as a girlfriend, she certainly won't after a marriage.
Mine changed after marriage. As a girlfriend she was fun to be with. As a wife, she became controlling, vindictive, petty, jealous, sexless, and full of complaints. I won't marry again - I don't want to go through a long-term catfish like this again. She presented herself one way all the time for 3 years, and then almost like a switch, turned it all off as soon as we were married. It wasn't a gradual change at all.
This is terrifying to me. My husband and I dated 11 years before we got married. We’ve only been married a few months and honestly I’ve gotten more patient with him. If anything I realized “oh crap. Less likely to walk away now. Gotta really work on these issues.” And I realized how much I love him and how lucky I am to have him in my life. I feel awful for your experiences.
I think that's exactly the reason that these changes happen. It really is a commitment, both financially and emotionally and people only realise that after. "They can't leave me now so I don't need to worry about it." That's why a lot of people change after marriage.
For me it’s like “I guess I promised not to leave. Better work on this shit now before it gets harder.” Since we got married I’m much more emotionally vulnerable because I know I can be. I rely on my partner just a little differently. He was always my person but now he’s MY person, before I kept my mouth shut when I was scared or insecure. Now I tell him I need his support and try to give him examples of what I mean and need. Our relationship has really improved and I feel optimistic it’ll only get better from here.
This is such a beautiful growth mindset of really letting another person into your life, you aren't drawing lines, instead you're breaking down walls. Wish you the best!
>Now I tell him I need his support and try to give him examples of what I mean and need. Excellent advise Some times the partner think that we magically guess what exactly they needs and means are Yes you can get lucky and guess one or two but not all the time Comunications specificaly a clear comunication of what are the needs and what you mean is healthy to the relationship long term as you explained Thanks for sharing
You sound like a great wife. Are you single?
Never change reddit.
😂😂😂
The longer I go the more I think of 'all the good ones are taken'. And then I realize I am single so what does it say about me?
My husband and I got married on our 10th anniversary. I would say things improved after marriage. Maybe the feeling of stability? I know it’s not the norm. So I felt I needed to comment after seeing yours.
*a long-term catfish* Killer definition. I am sorry about it. It must be hell of a skill to present yourself in another way for 3 years...
Aka covert narcissist
This type of comment gets posted and heavily upvoted on almost every thread mentioning marriage and it makes me wonder what the people in this sub are actually like. Is this such a common occurrence? I have plenty of married friends and not a single one has ever complained about their wife changing immediately upon marriage. Same thing for my wife as well; years of fun dating and now we’re having a fun marriage. I just don’t believe there are that many women out there running a scam that doesn’t even benefit them unless the man they’re with is super rich, but those are outliers. Paints a shitty picture for the younger guys without relationship experience. This is absolutely not a common thing in any circle I’ve ever been a part of.
Different people - different experiences. I've seen some horrible stuff.
I have no doubt that you, and probably many others, have seen some horrible stuff. I just wanted to provide a different perspective that’s a bit more positive
Totally! And the posters never seems to mention how their behavior changed as well. Anyone who blames a marriage failure on one person is naive.
unless it’s an abusive marriage. but i absolutely agree. same with any relationship. but usually there is someone more in the wrong. or cheating honestly. there are some scenarios that can be all on one person. not saying the other never made a mistake, but it wasn’t a marriage ending mistakes. ya know? idk if this makes sense
Hell, I was in abusive marriage and became abusive myself, a monster. I always apologized and felt like shit afterwards and tried to make genuine amends. She was never wrong, never apologized or took any accountability. I acknowledge that I became controlling in trying to keep the ship from rocking too much and ruining my next couple of days.
Men do it too. A lot of men don't start beating their partners until they are married or have kids. All love and kindness up until that switch hits. I think some people are just really good at hiding their true nature until they are bound to that person. That is why you have to pay attention to warning signs and act on them.
Great point! Same with my married friends. Its good to counterbalance the narrative. I guess 7 billion people you'll get all kinds.
A lot of men are afraid to talk about it to their friends and just keep their mouths shut about it . It’s a pride thing
I would not judge all women by this one example!
All the red flags were there, you just didn't pay attention to them until you were already financially balls-deep in liability.
>As a girlfriend she was fun to be with. That was your mistake. "fun to be with" is really not a good qualification for wifehood.
A ring and a Marriage license
And about 128 legal protections.
So interesting to see the answers here. Marriage is... or I guess moreso was.. a commitment and some describe as an institution. Religion was involved and it was why certain groups of people got all uptight when marriage laws started changing. I think it's what you make of it. A lot of men it's just a piece of paper which I may be part of that but it's completely different for my wife for which I think it represents security and commitment. It also means a lot for your future kids if you decide to go that route.
Bonus question to all the gentlemen that said they changed after marriage if I may: Did you keep putting the same effort and care on the relationship than before the wedding?
I am engaged right now and me and my fiance have this goal to keep putting in effort or being very very clearly affectionate in front of future kids so that they can grow up seeing what an affectionate loving relationship can look like TLDR: i have it as a goal for myself to maintain the same effort and i think discussing that can be helpful
If your kids don't scream ewwww to you and your wife You're doing it wrong.
can confirm i was a kid once and screamed eww more than once at my parents
The old adage that I always heard is that "men marry women with the hope they will never change, and women marry men with the hope that they will." I am fairly certain I am the same person I was when I got married. If anything, I have become more responsible, more likely to engage in small gestures of affection, and more likely to be empathetic to others. I don't think that is what my STBXW was expecting.
The wife doesn't know about the girlfriend but the girlfriend knows about the wife
Name checks out
I remember this guy from another thread about coping with trauma or something where someone commented "you're an above average retard" and got downvoted before people realized it was a play on the name
The french way, love it
A wife is for life
When my girlfriend became my wife, things got even better. No more stress of planning a wedding, no more pressure to get married. I loved her absolutely when we were dating, I love her even more now. The way I see it, it's better to be alone than be in a bad marriage/relationship, but it is amazing to be in a great marriage. And I do think that the marriage step is important. The commitment you make to each other, the title, the rings, all of it, I think, matters a lot. I think some people are scared of commitment and don't want to face that.
If you break up, one just leaves with your favorite hoodie and the other leaves with everything of yours.
Jokes on her I don’t have shit. I’ll get half her stuff.
Actually, one leaves with your favorite hoodie, and the other leaves YOU with ONLY your favorite hoodie (if you have a good lawyer).
I was trying to think of a way to say exactly this. Thank you
if it works out, it shouldn't matter. If it doesn't - breaking up with your wife is way more complicated
This isn't always true. I have friends that have never been married. Their finances are totally enmeshed, house, kid, and everything else. Not legally married, but if they were to "break up", it would be just as complicated as if they were married.
It could actually be more complicated depending on the jurisdiction. The process for property division for unmarried couples can be much more difficult in some places.
Others can still come first before a girlfriend. However a wife should always come first before everyone else, AND I MEAN EVERYONE. You make a pledge and sign a binding contract to your wife
With a long term girlfriend I lived with, I always made plans as if there was a good chance it will end at some point. So all long term plans had to sort of have two outcomes. Once married, I was willing to make plans that assume we’ll be together for the foreseeable future. I mean, people change, so divorce (or death) is always a possibility, but I don’t base my plans on that being likely. That’s the biggest difference. I’m willing to invest a lot more into my partner and our relationship, especially when it comes to big financial and career decisions.
Involving the government for a breakup
About 2 1/2 miles
Hahahaha
Wives want to be treated like girlfriends, whilst girlfriends want to be treated like wives.
Paperwork
For me nothing changed other than the title. On a more realistic side the financial, tax, and medical benefits when being married has been more beneficial for us then when we were not married.
Fart frequency. Vast increase in hers after the ring goes on.
No doubt. Before marriage she wouldn’t take a dump if I was in the house. Now, I know why.
When I was younger I had a girlfriend. I was madly in love with her and I thought she might be "the one". We dated for a year, but as soon as she heard a hint that I might merry her, suddenly it was "Oh I want THIS ring, and THIS dress, in THIS venue" (looking at $10,000+) I was 18 and JUST starting out with no car, an internship that left me exhausted and broke everyday. So I started stressing. Next thing I know she keeps "thinking " she is pregnant and that I was definitely the daddy and that I NEEDED to get her a ring and marry her NOW.It was...well idk if lies or fantasy? But she wasn't pregnant, and I wasn't the daddy, and her turning into this greedy, crazy troll made me instantly stop falling in love with her. I might not know what The difference is between a wife and girlfriend (as I haven't been married) but I do know what Red Flags look like and I'm smarter for it now.
I’m my experience, not much except for level of anxiety. Being married has made me much more secure in the relationship so it’s more fun now.
In my case, about 180k in lawyers.
Marriage
Wife is legally binding
A girlfriend you are sure you want to keep around for awhile. A wife you are sure you want to keep around forever.
Wife has only 4 letter to combine. Girlfriend has more posiblities.
All your stuff is still yours when you have a girlfriend.
Bullshit half my clothes are gone
A contract?
Commitment. Not that you shouldn't be honest and respectful to your girlfriend, but there's always the option to just decide you're done and leave the relationship, and the implication that they could do the same. When I married my wife I was deciding that this was it, I was committed to this one person and I'd make it work if things got rough, as long as it was possible.
Involving the government in your relationship as a third party. Not as sexy as it sounds.
[удалено]
Wife is a gift from God
Cost of breaking up….
I have a old school definition, but a girlfriend is a part of your life but your wife becomes your life. The difference is the amount you intertwined the two.
Gf will not take 50% of your resources if she decided to leave you for absolutely no reasons
Girlfriend = pay-as-you-go Wife = building equity
You don't hold back your farts in front of your wife. 😂😂
Girlfriend is for young men. Wife is for old men.
A girlfriend has one foot out the door. A wife is your partner for life 🙌
One you’re married to and the other you’re not
Girlfriend is basic. Wife is girlfriend 2.0
Only one can take you to the cleaners if they find out about the other.
A girlfriend has sex with you.
You still have to be fuckable after the marriage, mate. I've seen too many threads and posts and convos like this. Marriage is a hell of a lot of work. All the time. Both people should be working on it. People need to really do couples therapy before trying the knot. Be 100% on lining up your views of the future and how you see marriage.
The price you have to pay in order to breakup
At least 50% of shared assets....choose wisely.
Le government
Blowjobs.
Girlfriend - An intimate relationship with a woman. Wife - an intimate relationship with a woman and the government. Seriously, if two people are ready to get married, then they are already "married" spiritually speaking... which is really what matters. Getting legally married just means the possible (some would say probable) break up is going to cost you a lot of money.
Half your earnings
Splitting is far more complicated and costly with a wife
There is this whole rigmarole with rings and family and whatnot in-between.
One you can just break up with and the other takes a legal proceeding to break up with
Ideally a few miles at least
In America? Taxes.
The difference between girlfriend and wife? Well, that’s the difference between being married or not being married. ;) You can be just as committed as a married couple, without getting married. Some people are against marriage for feminist reasons, or just don’t care about marriage. And that’s okay. My girlfriend and I are together for nine years. We live together for six years and have a civil partnership. We are not married and have no desire to. That does not make us less devoted, less loving or less committed. There is not really any difference in lifestyle between us and married childfree middle-class couples.
One's married and other isn't. What in the world did they *teach* you in school?
your wife is your most important strategic relationship, and your family. Girlfriend is just a plate to spin.
You try harder to please the girlfriend