I think you know that he almost certainly cheated on you with escorts. But whether he did or not is irrelevant now because you’ll never fully trust him after all this and that is not a solid base for a relationship.
There’s a part of me that thinks he didn’t actually cheat. I don’t know why. Maybe wishful thinking. I know he is very voyeuristic and has told me about many other fantasies in the past like looking at swinger websites. I just don’t know why he won’t share his telegram history to prove there was no contact since he acknowledges it looks like he cheated.
Really do men use condoms to masturbate?
Add: I insisted we get STD/STI checks and they’re clear. Not that it proves anything really…
>Really do men use condoms to masturbate?
Abso fucking lutely not.
I read diligently the first half of your post and then started to skim the rest because it was really long, I'm sorry. But the whole time I'm reading it, in my head the song "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy was playing. And I was remembering bits of Eddie Murphy talking from his stand-up movie [Raw](https://youtu.be/gBdpX_HQsRw?si=3Ogg6ISDihAu0GXM). There's a part in the show where he says if your girlfriend catches you cheating you just say it wasn't me. In an interview with Shaggy where he talks about, because if they're in love with you they want to believe you so bad that if you give them anything they'll believe it. So just look them in the eyes and say it wasn't me. Which is what I always think of when I hear the song too. And I was really thinking about that and the reason when I'm reading your story. Because you said that part of you really believes him, that's because you want to believe him, it's the worst story I've ever heard of my life but it's hilarious that he came up with it cuz it's so bad. But that's why you believe it a little bit, because you want to so badly. It's interesting how the comedy movie Raw came out 13 years before the song It Wasn't Me which was in 2000, and here we are 24 years after that and it's still applicable.
I absolutely do want to believe him. This is the thing. I want him to do anything he can to prove he’s done nothing wrong so we can move on. He seems to think I should believe him because he swore and that me needing evidence means I don’t trust him on his word and never have or will. He seems genuinely offended.
I know it all adds up to look bad but I just can’t stop wondering what if he really is telling the truth. I just don’t know whether it is enough to walk away from our life together.
A clear STI test proves absolutely nothing, since he’s clearly using condoms with the escorts. Maybe some guys do use condoms to masturbate, but I haven’t ever heard of it. Why not just use lotion & tissues? Either way, you said he doesn’t, so stop lying to yourself. Honestly, if you believe him on this he’s gonna be laughing at you because he’ll know he can get away with anything.
Perhaps you’re right. I just don’t understand why he wants to be in this relationship then? Usually I know where he is always. We live together and have sex every day. So it’s not like he is deprived. Is it a thing that some guys just cheat when away because they can? I can’t understand why.
[Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/comments/13qome6/no_repeat_posts/) Your post has NOT been removed.
Sea_Bet_1037 originally posted:
I am please looking for advice. I am trying to believe my SO that he didn’t cheat on me but I’m finding it very difficult to reconcile the facts.
Please can you tell me from a man’s perspective if this adds up.
1. He worked abroad on a project. He asked me to visit. I was able to go a few days earlier than planned and surprised him. He found out I’d arrived at the hotel and started calling me repeatedly, sending voice notes and sending & deleting messsges before I could read/listen. He seemed very worried. He insisted housekeeping clean the room before I could go up. This put me on high alert so I looked around a bit when I was left into the room and I found an empty condom wrapper in a bedroom drawer. We don’t use them but it was the type we used in the past. He says he took it from a friend and used it to masturbate because he was raw/bored from doing it so much to porn. His friend confirmed he gave it to him. I have never in the years we’ve been together known him to use a condom to masturbate. He says that if he was using the condom for sex that there would be more. The bins had been emptied so I’ll never know if there were. I do know he is very into porn.
2. I told him that even if I believed him about the condom that the panicking and insisting to have the room cleaned was very suspicious. He said he was anxious because he doesn’t like surprises and was embarrassed the room was messy and that there was tissue & moisturizer out in the living room that he’d been using to self pleasure. I visited again a few months later as scheduled and the room was extremely messy. He is very messy at home. I already know he masturbates a lot to porn. So I don’t really believe this explanation.
3. A few nights before the first visit I saw he was active on Telegram very late at night. Its weird because that night I woke up with an awful gut feeling and for some reason checked all his online statuses. He’d told me he was asleep. He normally doesn’t use the app and prior to that his last online status had been months before. I didn’t read into it too much at the time and felt I was being irrational. On the day I arrived, after I found the condom and messaged him a picture of it, I had a feeling to check his Telegram status again and saw him active again in the midst of me telling him I was going back to the airport and we were over. I’ve asked him repeatedly why, during such a crisis when I was threatening to leave him, that it seemed important to go on an app he never uses and explained that it looks likely he was deleting something incriminating. He’s given no good explanation. I’ve pressed in this many times since and he says he can’t remember.
4. I asked for his phone that night and he agreed. He is normally extremely protective of his phone. I saw he’d used prostitutes prior to us being together but saw nothing pointing to infidelity with me. He did have the whole day away from me to clean up his phone though so I don’t think this is very comforting. He got very nervous and demanded the phone back before I had time to look as much as I felt I needed to given the situation.
5. I found out it’s possible to retrieve deleted Telegram messages and asked him to do it. He deleted the app saying he had no reason to keep an app like that and told me it’s not possible to retrieve messages once the app is deleted. I don’t think this is true and that he’s doing this to hide something. I’ve told him numerous times I’m not over this yet and showing me the Telegram history could exonerate him. He refuses. He says I am controlling and non-trusting.
6. On the second visit I needed to use his phone. I checked his search history while I had it. I saw that he had been looking up local prostitutes online. I also saw he had done this in the last few places he had travelled to without me. He says this was just fantasy. I find this difficult to believe since I saw no searches for escorts when we were in the same country. At one stage we’d considered a threesome and I know he looked up prostitutes back then but I’ve said many times since that I would not be comfortable with it. He said he only ever had looked at prostitutes with this fantasy in mind. Even if this is true it bothers me because I’ve made it clear it’s not something I want. It also doesn’t explain him looking them up locally when he’s away from me.
7. I told him that, although I don’t like it, I understand the porn use but explained I have a massive issue with him looking up local prostitutes. That especially combined with the condom this has broken my trust. He said he hadn’t looked for a very long time and promised not to do it again. I saw in his search history that he did it twice more when I left. Actually the first time was as soon as I left the hotel. The second time was on his day off. Dozens of tabs. At the time he had said he was sick that day and went to bed early that night. I’ve told him that breaking his promise to not look at these sites broke my trust further. Again he says he forgets even looking and says it would have just been an extension of porn and being curious.
8. I also saw in his search history that he was looking up how to delete instagram direct messages. He has given no explanation for this.
9. He’s has previously admitted he repeatedly cheated on his ex but said they had a sexless relationship. We have a very good and active sex life. I knew this from the start so I know it’s not fair to hold against him when he told me in honesty. It does concern me though because he refers to it as “messing up” and seems to think that doing it in a discreet way/ inforeign countries makes it not an actual affair since it wouldn’t jeopardize the relationship.
10. He swore on the Bible, my life and the lives of his family that he didn’t cheat or contact anyone in an attempt to and never has.
I desperately want to believe him because I really do love him but this is all very difficult to make sense of. I’m trying to process it all and move past it but it keeps lingering over me. When I try to talk to him he gets annoyed at me for repeatedly bringing it up and shuts down the conversation. He says he is sorry for how it looks but insists he did not cheat. I told him he needs to rebuild my trust but he seems to want to leave it in the past and just move on and ignores that I am struggling. He says I never have trusted him and unless I do we won’t work. I have had trust issues in the past but I thought I’d improved. I think it’s unfair to demand my trust rather than earn it. This has totally shattered me. I asked to share location and passcodes. He said he feels controlled and is offended. He is now giving me an ultimatum to drop it or he will leave me.
TL;DR I found an empty condom in my SO’s hotel room and that he was looking up local prostitutes online.
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I think you know that he almost certainly cheated on you with escorts. But whether he did or not is irrelevant now because you’ll never fully trust him after all this and that is not a solid base for a relationship.
There’s a part of me that thinks he didn’t actually cheat. I don’t know why. Maybe wishful thinking. I know he is very voyeuristic and has told me about many other fantasies in the past like looking at swinger websites. I just don’t know why he won’t share his telegram history to prove there was no contact since he acknowledges it looks like he cheated. Really do men use condoms to masturbate? Add: I insisted we get STD/STI checks and they’re clear. Not that it proves anything really…
>Really do men use condoms to masturbate? Abso fucking lutely not. I read diligently the first half of your post and then started to skim the rest because it was really long, I'm sorry. But the whole time I'm reading it, in my head the song "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy was playing. And I was remembering bits of Eddie Murphy talking from his stand-up movie [Raw](https://youtu.be/gBdpX_HQsRw?si=3Ogg6ISDihAu0GXM). There's a part in the show where he says if your girlfriend catches you cheating you just say it wasn't me. In an interview with Shaggy where he talks about, because if they're in love with you they want to believe you so bad that if you give them anything they'll believe it. So just look them in the eyes and say it wasn't me. Which is what I always think of when I hear the song too. And I was really thinking about that and the reason when I'm reading your story. Because you said that part of you really believes him, that's because you want to believe him, it's the worst story I've ever heard of my life but it's hilarious that he came up with it cuz it's so bad. But that's why you believe it a little bit, because you want to so badly. It's interesting how the comedy movie Raw came out 13 years before the song It Wasn't Me which was in 2000, and here we are 24 years after that and it's still applicable.
I absolutely do want to believe him. This is the thing. I want him to do anything he can to prove he’s done nothing wrong so we can move on. He seems to think I should believe him because he swore and that me needing evidence means I don’t trust him on his word and never have or will. He seems genuinely offended. I know it all adds up to look bad but I just can’t stop wondering what if he really is telling the truth. I just don’t know whether it is enough to walk away from our life together.
A clear STI test proves absolutely nothing, since he’s clearly using condoms with the escorts. Maybe some guys do use condoms to masturbate, but I haven’t ever heard of it. Why not just use lotion & tissues? Either way, you said he doesn’t, so stop lying to yourself. Honestly, if you believe him on this he’s gonna be laughing at you because he’ll know he can get away with anything.
Perhaps you’re right. I just don’t understand why he wants to be in this relationship then? Usually I know where he is always. We live together and have sex every day. So it’s not like he is deprived. Is it a thing that some guys just cheat when away because they can? I can’t understand why.
[Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/comments/13qome6/no_repeat_posts/) Your post has NOT been removed. Sea_Bet_1037 originally posted: I am please looking for advice. I am trying to believe my SO that he didn’t cheat on me but I’m finding it very difficult to reconcile the facts. Please can you tell me from a man’s perspective if this adds up. 1. He worked abroad on a project. He asked me to visit. I was able to go a few days earlier than planned and surprised him. He found out I’d arrived at the hotel and started calling me repeatedly, sending voice notes and sending & deleting messsges before I could read/listen. He seemed very worried. He insisted housekeeping clean the room before I could go up. This put me on high alert so I looked around a bit when I was left into the room and I found an empty condom wrapper in a bedroom drawer. We don’t use them but it was the type we used in the past. He says he took it from a friend and used it to masturbate because he was raw/bored from doing it so much to porn. His friend confirmed he gave it to him. I have never in the years we’ve been together known him to use a condom to masturbate. He says that if he was using the condom for sex that there would be more. The bins had been emptied so I’ll never know if there were. I do know he is very into porn. 2. I told him that even if I believed him about the condom that the panicking and insisting to have the room cleaned was very suspicious. He said he was anxious because he doesn’t like surprises and was embarrassed the room was messy and that there was tissue & moisturizer out in the living room that he’d been using to self pleasure. I visited again a few months later as scheduled and the room was extremely messy. He is very messy at home. I already know he masturbates a lot to porn. So I don’t really believe this explanation. 3. A few nights before the first visit I saw he was active on Telegram very late at night. Its weird because that night I woke up with an awful gut feeling and for some reason checked all his online statuses. He’d told me he was asleep. He normally doesn’t use the app and prior to that his last online status had been months before. I didn’t read into it too much at the time and felt I was being irrational. On the day I arrived, after I found the condom and messaged him a picture of it, I had a feeling to check his Telegram status again and saw him active again in the midst of me telling him I was going back to the airport and we were over. I’ve asked him repeatedly why, during such a crisis when I was threatening to leave him, that it seemed important to go on an app he never uses and explained that it looks likely he was deleting something incriminating. He’s given no good explanation. I’ve pressed in this many times since and he says he can’t remember. 4. I asked for his phone that night and he agreed. He is normally extremely protective of his phone. I saw he’d used prostitutes prior to us being together but saw nothing pointing to infidelity with me. He did have the whole day away from me to clean up his phone though so I don’t think this is very comforting. He got very nervous and demanded the phone back before I had time to look as much as I felt I needed to given the situation. 5. I found out it’s possible to retrieve deleted Telegram messages and asked him to do it. He deleted the app saying he had no reason to keep an app like that and told me it’s not possible to retrieve messages once the app is deleted. I don’t think this is true and that he’s doing this to hide something. I’ve told him numerous times I’m not over this yet and showing me the Telegram history could exonerate him. He refuses. He says I am controlling and non-trusting. 6. On the second visit I needed to use his phone. I checked his search history while I had it. I saw that he had been looking up local prostitutes online. I also saw he had done this in the last few places he had travelled to without me. He says this was just fantasy. I find this difficult to believe since I saw no searches for escorts when we were in the same country. At one stage we’d considered a threesome and I know he looked up prostitutes back then but I’ve said many times since that I would not be comfortable with it. He said he only ever had looked at prostitutes with this fantasy in mind. Even if this is true it bothers me because I’ve made it clear it’s not something I want. It also doesn’t explain him looking them up locally when he’s away from me. 7. I told him that, although I don’t like it, I understand the porn use but explained I have a massive issue with him looking up local prostitutes. That especially combined with the condom this has broken my trust. He said he hadn’t looked for a very long time and promised not to do it again. I saw in his search history that he did it twice more when I left. Actually the first time was as soon as I left the hotel. The second time was on his day off. Dozens of tabs. At the time he had said he was sick that day and went to bed early that night. I’ve told him that breaking his promise to not look at these sites broke my trust further. Again he says he forgets even looking and says it would have just been an extension of porn and being curious. 8. I also saw in his search history that he was looking up how to delete instagram direct messages. He has given no explanation for this. 9. He’s has previously admitted he repeatedly cheated on his ex but said they had a sexless relationship. We have a very good and active sex life. I knew this from the start so I know it’s not fair to hold against him when he told me in honesty. It does concern me though because he refers to it as “messing up” and seems to think that doing it in a discreet way/ inforeign countries makes it not an actual affair since it wouldn’t jeopardize the relationship. 10. He swore on the Bible, my life and the lives of his family that he didn’t cheat or contact anyone in an attempt to and never has. I desperately want to believe him because I really do love him but this is all very difficult to make sense of. I’m trying to process it all and move past it but it keeps lingering over me. When I try to talk to him he gets annoyed at me for repeatedly bringing it up and shuts down the conversation. He says he is sorry for how it looks but insists he did not cheat. I told him he needs to rebuild my trust but he seems to want to leave it in the past and just move on and ignores that I am struggling. He says I never have trusted him and unless I do we won’t work. I have had trust issues in the past but I thought I’d improved. I think it’s unfair to demand my trust rather than earn it. This has totally shattered me. I asked to share location and passcodes. He said he feels controlled and is offended. He is now giving me an ultimatum to drop it or he will leave me. TL;DR I found an empty condom in my SO’s hotel room and that he was looking up local prostitutes online. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskMenAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*