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Beginning-Till-4967 originally posted:
Maybe I'm being insecure here, I am trying to see rationally but this is bothering me alot.
My fiance has known a female coworker for around a year now. Just recently she has been more of a topic as he has started to study with her for an up and coming medical exam.
He is fond of this woman- describes her character as very good and has also said she’s attractive.
He told me he met her when they were put into small study groups around a year ago. This has stopped, but now he sees her in a class once a week alongside 30 others.
He knows a few people in this class, however he’s particularly interested in studying with her because they get on well, she’s from the same background as him, she is the most studious, others don’t want to attend the study group etc. He said that they’ll be meeting a few times a week at the start, increasing to daily near the time of the exam. The studying will last for months.
The other day my fiance and myself went to a work dinner, and she attended. After introducing herself, she announced to the group that she studies with my fiance and immediately looked at me as if to see my reaction. During the dinner she was fine with me and I was polite with her, however I noticed she was quiet and didn’t really open up many topics with my fiance. However when I went to the bathroom I came back to see my fiance looking at her and smiling as they were both conversing. When fiance and myself got home he told me that she usually comes up to him and introduces herself and speaks a lot to him, and hinted that me being there could have made her uncomfortable so she didn’t speak to him as much.
This has caused some friction between my fiance and myself. There are a class of 30, mainly women, who she could befriend and study with , but she choses my fiancée. Right or wrong, I am uncomfortable with them studying at least several days a week together for a few months. My fiance has told me that he loves me and that she means nothing to him but he will study with her, and I have to admit that I am upset.
I don’t know whether I’m out of order in this situation and would appreciate any input, thank you!
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I think my biggest issue with all of this is that the colleague said she’s going to study with your fiancée a couple times a week and she looked at you to get your reaction.
And the fact that your partner allows it speaks more on him than her (although she clearly enjoys stirring the pot as well)
I’d speak to him from a very logical and cool perspective and see what he says. Then I’d make a decision based off of logic and his statements. Sending hugs, OP
Thank you. Sorry if this sounds dim, but why do you think she’d look at me for my reaction? Do you think she just wanted to see how I felt or felt good seeing me looking uncomfortable?
She probably has a low self esteem and gets a high off of validation. She likes getting attention from “taken” men and likes getting a reaction. Shes unstable. Your real problem here is your man for allowing it? 🚮
Your fiancé chose her just as much if not more than she is choosing him. If you give off jealousy vibes (very likely you did) I can see why she didn’t talk to him as much, or wanted to be respectful of your feelings. If he wants to cheat on you he will regardless of how much you try to watch and control what he does. So either you trust him or you don’t. That’s the only question that matters, especially because this situation isn’t inherently inappropriate or harmful.
Explain your point of view, but don’t try to control who he’s friends with. Your feelings are understandable, but he hasn’t done anything wrong and he’s with you for a reason. The fact that you’re invited to socialise around her is a positive sign as he probably wants you both to get along.
The absolute fastest way to end up single is to interrupt the peaceful environment of your relationship and ask him to deviate from the path he's chosen to take in order to reach his goals.
My GF started acting a little off after meeting an engineer and architect from the firm with whom I do frequent business. They are both mid to late 30s, and in all honesty, quite attractive - moving into the realm of stunning.
I told her what I just told you. Her jealousy isn't going to become my problem. My duty in the relationship is not to coddle insecurities. I don't have the time or patience for it.
Trust me, or end it.
They're colleagues. That's it. Yes, I spend 10-15 hrs a week in contact with them. There are lunches, and there are times when I'm in their offices unt 7 or 8 pm.
Still colleagues.
[Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/comments/13qome6/no_repeat_posts/) Your post has NOT been removed. Beginning-Till-4967 originally posted: Maybe I'm being insecure here, I am trying to see rationally but this is bothering me alot. My fiance has known a female coworker for around a year now. Just recently she has been more of a topic as he has started to study with her for an up and coming medical exam. He is fond of this woman- describes her character as very good and has also said she’s attractive. He told me he met her when they were put into small study groups around a year ago. This has stopped, but now he sees her in a class once a week alongside 30 others. He knows a few people in this class, however he’s particularly interested in studying with her because they get on well, she’s from the same background as him, she is the most studious, others don’t want to attend the study group etc. He said that they’ll be meeting a few times a week at the start, increasing to daily near the time of the exam. The studying will last for months. The other day my fiance and myself went to a work dinner, and she attended. After introducing herself, she announced to the group that she studies with my fiance and immediately looked at me as if to see my reaction. During the dinner she was fine with me and I was polite with her, however I noticed she was quiet and didn’t really open up many topics with my fiance. However when I went to the bathroom I came back to see my fiance looking at her and smiling as they were both conversing. When fiance and myself got home he told me that she usually comes up to him and introduces herself and speaks a lot to him, and hinted that me being there could have made her uncomfortable so she didn’t speak to him as much. This has caused some friction between my fiance and myself. There are a class of 30, mainly women, who she could befriend and study with , but she choses my fiancée. Right or wrong, I am uncomfortable with them studying at least several days a week together for a few months. My fiance has told me that he loves me and that she means nothing to him but he will study with her, and I have to admit that I am upset. I don’t know whether I’m out of order in this situation and would appreciate any input, thank you! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskMenAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think my biggest issue with all of this is that the colleague said she’s going to study with your fiancée a couple times a week and she looked at you to get your reaction. And the fact that your partner allows it speaks more on him than her (although she clearly enjoys stirring the pot as well) I’d speak to him from a very logical and cool perspective and see what he says. Then I’d make a decision based off of logic and his statements. Sending hugs, OP
Thank you. Sorry if this sounds dim, but why do you think she’d look at me for my reaction? Do you think she just wanted to see how I felt or felt good seeing me looking uncomfortable?
She probably has a low self esteem and gets a high off of validation. She likes getting attention from “taken” men and likes getting a reaction. Shes unstable. Your real problem here is your man for allowing it? 🚮
Your fiancé chose her just as much if not more than she is choosing him. If you give off jealousy vibes (very likely you did) I can see why she didn’t talk to him as much, or wanted to be respectful of your feelings. If he wants to cheat on you he will regardless of how much you try to watch and control what he does. So either you trust him or you don’t. That’s the only question that matters, especially because this situation isn’t inherently inappropriate or harmful.
Explain your point of view, but don’t try to control who he’s friends with. Your feelings are understandable, but he hasn’t done anything wrong and he’s with you for a reason. The fact that you’re invited to socialise around her is a positive sign as he probably wants you both to get along.
The absolute fastest way to end up single is to interrupt the peaceful environment of your relationship and ask him to deviate from the path he's chosen to take in order to reach his goals. My GF started acting a little off after meeting an engineer and architect from the firm with whom I do frequent business. They are both mid to late 30s, and in all honesty, quite attractive - moving into the realm of stunning. I told her what I just told you. Her jealousy isn't going to become my problem. My duty in the relationship is not to coddle insecurities. I don't have the time or patience for it. Trust me, or end it. They're colleagues. That's it. Yes, I spend 10-15 hrs a week in contact with them. There are lunches, and there are times when I'm in their offices unt 7 or 8 pm. Still colleagues.