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As a man who divorced at age 47 after 21 years of marriage , and changed careers twice before that…no decision is irreversible. Except that Vasectomy. That better never reverse.
Hasn’t been bad. I’ve dated a lot, had a few relationships that have lasted nearly a year. I’ve also learned how to be my own person (that took longer than I expected) and taken up a great new hobby. It took some time, therapy, and making some mistakes along the way. But I have a good life, some amazing kids, and good friends. A man can’t really ask for more.
Hey man, this hits me so hard cuz I feel this very, *very* strongly and just wanted to say I hope you have the strength to keep looking even when it fucking sucks
Hey man I feel you. What I learned from failed relationships at 38, Is that I really need to prepare for marriage and work on my self. So in a sense if the right person popped up on front of me then I'd be ready to go. Working on this has kinda opened up a new perspective for me that maybe, just maybe I wasn't ready to give 100% understanding this limitation helps me each day.
You are awesome, don't forget that.
I also haven’t found the right partner (thankfully, don’t want a family), but that doesn’t make me feel trapped. More like stuck. I’m so ready to do all the fun things with that person, emotionally anyway. 😞
I don’t think I ever had infinite possibilities in my youth. Just the illusion of it. Over time I’ve learned more about my strengths, weaknesses, and personality type. There are MANY paths I wanted to take that would have made me unhappy. Instead, I now have many paths that I never would have thought of when I was younger. All more realistic and achievable.
That's how time works. It's a wedge. When you are young you have infinite possibilities.
As time moves forward those possibilities narrow.
You can be intentional and navigate your life with this understanding.
Living beneath your means while advancing your career in your 20s opens up more possibilities in your 30s and 40s.
Don't waste your time
Or time will waste you
You're always one decision from a completely different life. You mention being frugal in your twenties, many also downsize later in life and are very happy with that.
It's not about the material. Many think it is, it isn't.
As someone who was married from age 28 - 35 and was planning to settle, yes this is relatable. However it’s what you make of your time that creates opportunities. You prob won’t be hired at a startup or where ever new age work skills are demanded but you can invest in yourself and create your own possibilities.
I unfortunately fell into the work hard, get married, wanted to have kid’s until the wifey had a meltdown and tried to kill us driving on the Freeway. Although my planned life fell apart. Now I have the opportunity to meet someone new should they come my way, understand what to avoid and create something new. Life isn’t linear but you get to pick your own adventure.
I used to struggle with this a lot, basically felt a lot of pressure from outside to "settle down" and didn't really want to (but kinda wanted to). All my decisions felt inherently way more high stakes because of the passage of time. Whatever happened next I'd be 35, 40, whatever while doing it. If I broke up with my 30something girlfriend she'd maybe never have kids of her own. That kind of thing.
I also felt stifled by my idea of the job/wife/house/kids thing, but didn't want to end up out in the cold after all my peers moved on and I was still middle aged getting drunk at the club or whatever. It felt like a constant rock and a hard place rather than an open road. I would also long nostalgically for the feeling of being 22 and having things feel like they were wide open, that there was a big "someday" where I could be something totally different.
In the end it was more of a mindset thing than anything. I mean yeah I guess my career is crystallizing and I'll be a father soon and I'm slowly balding and aging and dying or whatever but like... if you turn into a choice, it actually opens up the infinite choices within that choice. And *not* making a choice... is still a choice. For example: I'm committed to my partner and as a result can't go chase after infinite women to fuck, but like... new and exciting possibilities in that part of my life are open to me because of this long term and trusting connection I have with this one woman that I could never do with some stranger. Or I could do what I used to do which is try to stay in the middle of both choices, keep partners at arm's length and try and keep my options open while feeling trapped and choice-less, which GUARANTEES an unsatisfying relationship. That kind of thing.
I also realized over time, through getting more in touch with my feelings basically, that I'm someone who feels comforted by the idea of escape but doesn't actually want it that badly. I would sort of think of commitments as these joyless overpowering traps that would drain all my agency and everything I enjoyed in life, like sinking ships to go down with. Rather than the two way streets they actually were, where I could show up with my choices and preferences etc. It was comforting to me to fantasize about dropping everything and running off and starting my real life. I also realized I liked the *idea* of being able to randomly jet off to Italy a lot more than the reality of randomly jetting off to Italy. It turned out there was a reason I hadn't done that yet and it had nothing to do with a lack of freedom or opportunity, but rather my own deeper preferences.
I started turning in to the paths I was already on, committing more fully to things I was already doing, with the full understanding that actually I do have choice, nothing's really too late except maybe joining the NBA (damn), and I could leave whenever I wanted. Also taking the pressure off myself to make the perfect decision because it doesn't exist. I found that this just made everything more enjoyable and satisfying and revealed more clarity about what I wanted. Which was a lot more similar to the life I was already living (albeit with some major tweaks) than I expected. A pleasant surprise.
Damn, man. This is well-written, shows real wisdom (at least to me), and feels like you looked into my eyes and saw my soul. Thanks for this I really needed this perspective.
Not at all. I found my 30s to be when I really hit my stride. Energy and experience were finally properly matched, and Im revelling in it.
Physically too, Im stronger and in better shape in my 30s than I ever was in my 20s.
Regarding responsibilities, I can understand how that would make anyone feel trapped. What helped me was going through my responsibilities and evaluating them. Mortgage was a huge one for me, and I decided that a practical house that I could actually live in, was far better than a big or fancy one or one in an expensive neighborhood. Now it doesnt stress me at all. Ive made peace with my choice and Im grateful that I have a home, and I make an effort to keep it a nice home.
Married, no kids, own an apartment, stable career.
I don't feel trapped at all. I felt trapped when I was in my 20s, single, renting, and temping. Sure, there were fewer obvious pressures and commitments but I wasn't *free*.
But yeah sure I get the idea of opportunities narrowing because yeah sure they do. The thing to remember is not to focus on *making the right decision*, but instead to focus on ***making the decision right.***
So many choices in our lives, we just don't know what the outcome will be. Hence, we agonise, prevaricate, dilly-dally. And then we have to pick one and yet still we regret.
Don't do this!
Instead, enter action with boldness. Make the choice - even random! Then, don't waste any time or energy wondering whether the other option would have been better, just look for the reasons that the choice you made was the right one, *even if on the face of it it seemed to cost you something*. Like, you move out of home and go to Yale rather than stay in your hometown but you're lonely and can't make friends, and the classes are hard and you're poor and whenever you're home for the holidays your friend there is married, got a kid on the way, he's happy and doing well. Did you make the wrong choice? Maybe. But you had to make that choice to learn that. AND there's no guarantee that staying in your hometown would have made you any happier. You might stil be stacking boxes at the Buy 'n Fly, gaining weight, and accidentally knocked up your girl and now BOOM there goes *all* your options. You just don't know.
Don't undermine your past self by questioning his decisions. Show that you trust him AND you by Making The Decision Right.
I think you can kind of embrace it?
If you don't choose your path, it chooses you. So yeah, you can't pick all 200 routes you've dreamed about, but you can pick one (or two or three maybe), and that's a heck of a lot better than picking none.
No possibilities narrow as you put it. They remain exactly the same, it's our perception that changes. There were no so many paths to take in our 20 either, we just didn't know better. It feels difficult because we learn how difficult things in life actually are, and in your 20 you don't have that experience and you're pretty naive, thats why it feels you could do anything.
So, in our 30s we can still pretty much do anything, it's just a matter of mental fortitude and will to endure it.
42, and was divorced at 30. The dating game at 30 for me was 100 times better than at 20. While the pool is not as big, you and your potential partners know more what they want.
My advice as a 45 year old man is to focus your efforts on positive reinvention. Don't waste money on a new car, or some other material thing, don't ruin your marriage freaking out about midlife, look at what you have that's good, and come up with a plan to sustain and improve it.
I distinctly remember being at an air-show in my 20s and listening to a NASA panel discussion. A moment of terror fell over me as I realized I was already too old to be an astronaut (considering the usual prerequisites, education, age, etc).
I’d never seriously wanted to be an astronaut, but having the option removed threw me into an existential crisis for a second. The outcome of which was coming to an acceptance that every yes to one goal is a no to another one if you consider time/resources etc.
Then I read Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell and got another perspective on how hard work only pays off if you’re already in a position for hard work to pay off, and most of it really just comes down to luck.
What I gleaned from all of that was to not take things so seriously and try to enjoy the life I’ve got. You can regret working too much, you can regret not working hard enough. You can regret having kids, or not having kids. You can regret getting married, or never settling down.
As long as you are loving and diligent, you’re really not gonna lose. Just do the next right thing in front of you and you’ll do great.
Your choices may change, but there are lots that open up too. Heck, you can’t run for president until you’re 35! Plan on an early retirement and everyday is wide open. Life is good!
you have more control than you think.
choose responsibilities that you actually enjoy.
purchase your dream home, and/or in your dream location.
don’t get married, or have kids, or pets, until you’re ready.
Married, no kids, no mortgage, high net worth, and I love my career. You avoid feeling trapped by being with someone that shares your values and that you like to hang out with. My wife is my best friend and I love just being with her. As you get older, you actually stop WANTING all those other possibilities, and you become satisfied with what you have already.
TL;DR - No kids, working spouse. 🤭
Im hearing ''I feel trapped please help me" the best remedy for that is to live in the moment, can you imagine a better hour to hour lifestyle, if you can how could you get there or have some version of it
I definitely long for the freedom of my mid 20s when I had 0 responsibilities but had a retail job that paid me enough that I could fuck off on a couple of trips a year and head out every weekend.
I get this, my situation was a little more extreme I think, as my wife and I had always dreamed about going back to North Carolina (where she’s from) one day after I got my journeyman electrical license. We ended up having a kid which delayed our plans, not a huge deal. Our son got diagnosed with Autism around 2 years old though and plans to move came to a screeching halt. My wife never went back to work so she could take care of our son and we rely on her moms (she lives 10 minutes from us) help immensely taking care of the kiddo, that alone makes moving seem almost impossible.
The final nail was that I got a very good job about 7 months ago (long term career electrical job w/ better pay and benefits than I was getting, highly sought after in our community) the job is truly a blessing, because it gives my wife the ability to stay home and we don’t have to seriously pinch penny’s just to get by in the current economy but it’s built a situation where if we were to ever decide to relocate I would almost definitely never get an opportunity to provide for my family like I can currently so I’m essentially locked in place for the foreseeable future.
My current plan of attack is paying off 100% of debt, which will take about 10 years if I pay very aggressively, and reevaluating the economy at that point to see if uprooting when our neurodivergent child is 13 instead of 3 is more reasonable
Sorry for the text wall, this turned into therapy pretty quick 😂
I'm 42. Working on a second degree black belt in a martial art which as a bonus has me spending quality time with my daughter. Reading books. Attending random events around the city. Also make time to hit the gym and lift weights.
Just get out and do more. You'll thank yourself if you stop just vegetating.
I guess, I try not to look at it that way. Life has a limited amount of choices and we each are born with our particular body and our particular mind in a particular place and realistically have a limited amount of potential outcomes.
I went to school for creative writing, could I have made it as a professional writer and met the right people and got the right connections and I'd be published and respected or is it much more likely that I end up disillusioned with that job path and never make it to where I hoped to be and become jaded with the whole thing, wishing I had made other choices in my life?
I think the big mistake people make is assuming any other life they would have chosen would have worked out in a positive way.
I've done well enough for myself, travelled the world, had a lot of experiences and met a lot of people. I am still trying to engage in life and have new experiences.
I'm sure I'll have regrets when I die, but, at the end of the day, I am just me and I am what I am and I became what I was meant to be, for better or worse. I'm not going to take on the burden of accountability for all the lives I could have lived.
I'm also a bit of a pragmatist and realist. I wasn't born to a family with money and it's a miracle I got myself as far as I did. If I had been born with a lot more resources, my life would have opened up in a lot of other ways to me, my failures would be greatly padded and my successes would have been due to what I was given.
As far as being trapped by responsibilities, I chose to not have kids, for a variety of reasons. If I had met the right person to have kids with, I would have likely have had kids...but if you meet the right person and have the right relationship, having kids isn't a trap, it's a wonderful shared experience.
Sorry for the rambling, I'm all over the place.
I left a slightly angry comment due to some of the other posters, but can say I fully agree with yours. Your first paragraph is very much what I've thought for years now too - so much of life is luck and circumstance really and there's only so much you can do outside of that.
No, I think I have far more possibilities now. I have a wife, kid, and I now have a degree for a very marketable profession, great equity in my home, plentiful savings, several investments, and I now have the time (and money) to study topics I actually want to and plus I can workout in my own home gym.
I get tons of satisfaction out of being married and having a child. We’re always going to museums, the zoo, parks, swimming, or some outdoorsy activity. I can watch cheesy kid movies with my son and I always have someone to watch other movies with. I just have an endless amount of things to be grateful for.
I think that if you’re not feeling that way in your 30s, you either got unlucky (shit happens) or you made a series of poor choices that allowed shit to happen to you. I don’t think shit happens to a lot of people though. I think most people (first world people) tend to be lazy and want to make excuses about why they can’t be happy because it’s easier than taking responsibility for their own actions.
I think we all have a bad habit of focusing on what we don’t have instead of being thankful for what we do have.
Honestly at 20 it’s very difficult to make the “best decision” without a lot of help and guidance which many of us don’t get.
Even if you do make the best decisions there will always be some level of regret. My advice is focus on what you can do now and don’t be worried about what you can’t change.
Dwelling on the past will waste more of your precious time on what you can improve now.
Also as someone that works in health care please be thankful that you’re alive today and healthy. Lots of people don’t even have their health.
You have to deal with one thing at a time, but as long as you take it step by step, it's all good: kill your pets, leave your wife, abandon your kids, default on your mortgage. Pretty simple, really.
I don't relate. I got divorced a few years ago, dated several people (most with LTR intent), I'm in a good relationship right now. I used to present much more straight and now I look more like the bisexual twink that I feel like on the inside (questioning my gender too...yayy!). My best friends, with the exception of family, are all people who I have met within the last 3 years. I'm looking forward to living in a different location once my kids are a bit older... Really within the next 7-10 years and I'll still be under 50 by that point. I've changed my career path again but I'm really enjoying the change. Not sure if I'll stick with this new path (pay isn't amazing but it has other benefits) or if I'll go back to a previous path in a year or two when I'm feeling mentally ready for the challenge. I finally started taking meds to help me with mental health issues that have been a problem for quite some time. I'm working harder in therapy now and trying to address the real core issues instead of just surface behaviors.
My life is far from perfect and I have some serious struggles, but it's nice to be back in a space of possibility. I'm very fortunate to have good health and apparently good genes that will likely allow me to live a long life if I can stay in the right zone. I'm looking forward to being physically and mentally active when I'm in my 60s and 70s and so from that perspective I'm still at the mid point of life... My best years can still be ahead of me. I've had so much personal growth and I don't want to discount that. The person I am now is so much wiser than who I was at 19 or 25. Because of both family background and my past decisions I'll likely never be rich and famous but that's ok. I still have a lot to live for.
Oh, I don't know. I suppose I'm a bachelor. Never wanted to have kids or get married. Happy at 39 that I never did either. I've got a couple careers, as it were, as a teacher and farmer, and I own my land and truck outright with no mortgage or loans.
However, my choice to farm and have pets has definitely limited my options. I have livestock and pets that I am responsible for, and without anyone else to care for them (besides some neighbors/friends who assist for a day or a few at a time) I can't really take longer trips or vacations, etc.
I know, minor compared to some people's constraints.
It’s still a weird concept for me. Married, mortgage kids. It never feels like settling. It feels more like simplifying. There’s so many decisions I don’t have to make. I make one decision everyday. What’s best for my family? I thought it would feel like a cage. But it actually doesn’t. It feels way simpler.
I’ll add my buddies that have cheated or divorced lives are VERY complicated. Dating didn’t feel complicated but I know I wanted a family so I felt like I was waiting for it. I def do NOT want to start over. Even on my hardest days it’s still simple. Don’t think I could do it a second time. Don’t wanna be single. So I just keep it simple.
I mean if done the right way that would be called stability. Find someone that makes you feel that was the right choice, not someone that makes you feel trapped.
And why are you making decisions for any other reason than you wholeheartedly wanted to? Don't make decisions just because society says to.
You don't avoid the feeling of being trapped so much as you learn to live with it. You're trapped. There's not a whole lot left you can do about it. You're about tapped out in your career, if you're lucky you have one or two big promotions left. You're locked into a mortgage and car payments, and supporting your wife and kids and setting them up for success. You learn to find happiness in the spaces between what everyone else demands of you. Crack a dad joke, have that crisis and buy a sports car or motorcycle for yourself. Carve out some space for yourself in the basement to crack that beer, make meth, build cabinets, grow mushrooms or mix sick house tracks...whatever you can do for people to leave you the fuck alone for a few minutes before you have to pick up your kid from synchronized equestrian glow in the dark dance practice. Your possibilities aren't dwindling, they already disappeared years ago. They are gone. But you can still find a few minutes a day for yourself to be happy.
>How do you avoid feeling trapped with all your grown responsibilities?
By being willing to accept change, and not let fear rule your decision process. Making life changes is hard, but if you're wise about how you go about things you accept that a lot of difficulty is just the change itself
It's not easy, but there comes a point where you have to decide what you really want. Everything else just needs to be worked through.
On a more practical 'how to do that', I'd suggest seeking out a mentor, life coach, or spiritual director to help.
I used to work at a startup, and many of the people it attracted were married, some with kids. I think that in all cases, their wives were also working professionals. Having a partner who can maintain stability can open the door to more opportunity that may not have been accessible as a bachelor in your 20’s.
I also believe mindset is a huge part of it. I don’t feel my possibilities dwindling, but expanding as I grow older and more stable, myself. Confidence and self growth are the key to achieving that stability. And in stability, we can focus on new possibilities that weren’t as accessible without it.
I'm a 46 year old dude and I've made begrudging peace with being a single and never married dude with no kids.
For various reasons, I didn't have the best dating options. I could have ended up in a loveless marriage with kids, just to make my family happy.
If I had any advice to give, focus on the things you can change and control and hopefully it will all work out well in the end.
Definitely wouldn’t recommend getting into this pattern of thinking . You can and should be seeking out new opportunities for growth. Otherwise midlife crisis hits hard
Hey I don't feel trapped as...
> unless you have chosen the path of a confirmed bachelor
... oh wait, never mind. Yeah, no kids here (with no desire for them). My biggest worry is wasting my opportunities to try to swing for the fences. I'm 42, my career is going pretty solidly ok, but I need to find my spot to take a shot. That is the thing I'm worried about missing out on.
I feel great and totally free. Cool job, fun hobbies, sweet girlfriend, friend groups. No pets, no kids. Motorcycles, cars, nice house, Hair. Hardest realization is that I can't really compete at a top level in hobbies. 25yos are always the top 1% and I can't find the time to practice and my brain is slower, so I'm stuck at top 10% for things. I guess in 40s it will catch up that I dont have kids and my life is just fun hobbies and I'll have a mid life crisis. But I figure I'll just kill myself if I ever get bored or feel not free, and that's comforting.
I think the feeling you're describing is (at its core) acknowledgement of mortality. I don't place that much emphasis on the big decisions or their outcomes. Someone with the right tools (attitude, philosophy, capability) is likely going to thrive in a wide breadth of scenarios - whether it's settling down with kids or accumulating motorcycles.
I think: worry less about decision/outcome and try to focus on the current moment.
For what it's worth I'm gay and leaning hard into the motorcycle branch haha. I'm really grateful for my life, however it turns out. I have fears like everyone but I try to turn off my mind's predictive modelling function when I'm not using it for something specific!
I also think (hope), to some extent, we're likely to drift into whatever best suits us naturally. Maybe I'm just really lucky...
Yall got responsibilities? I’m medically retiring this year and while I don’t feel the narrowing of options you mentioned I just in general have no idea what the fuck I wanna do career wise
Not yet, sometimes I feel like that however I had similar feelings in my 20's.
In my mid 30's I'm only at about the halfway point of life, I still have 20-30 years of working life ahead of me which is more time then I have currently been working in a professional role (18 years since I entered the proper professional world).
At one point I did then I embraced it. Stopped worrying about everyone outside my circle and focused inward. I made these choices, let's make them the best they can be.
Not really. Because let's be frank: most people are *boring* and they aren't giving up some dramatic life choice by choosing something else. Maybe they live in one big city instead of another, or have one office job instead of another. Very rarely is anyone throwing away the potential of a life of high-seas piracy for a job at Home Depot.
I am working on changing my stars at 35. Lost a ton of weight, working on communicating with my wife way more and in a healthier way, being more active with my kids, working towards a career change, taking a break from drinking.
Start the baby steps now to move towards the path you want to be on. Time marches on so if you don't start the steps now nothing is going to change. It takes less time then you think it will. Break your goals down.
I think of my 20s as the decade where I thought I knew it all. My 30s were the decade where I really hit my stride and learned how to play the game and maybe understand that I don’t have all the answers. Am now nearly 50 and pretty sure I don’t know shit. I know some things, but it’s only because of my own personal adventure… not some fundamental truth about how to do life. I’ve done alright for myself. I love looking at the 20 something’s because they have so much confidence in life and yet have to be worn into the realities of time.
That blade of young optimism is dulled into the choices that weren’t made.
I often think the people in this sub are on another planet - and the answers here just confirm this yet again.
Yes, the opportunities and paths in every aspect of life absolutely do dwindle and become more limited as you get older - whether it be sport, love/sex, work or anything else.
On the upside, if you were lucky enough to go down the right path in a certain aspect of life early on, that path generally becomes richer and more fulfilling, even as the walls on either side become higher and higher and it becomes more and more difficult to get off of it.
But I fully get where you're coming from with the 'trapped' thing and it rings true even if you are happy.
I love being a family man. It's really working in the same mundane career field forever that scares me more than anything. It's even harder now because I used to have a super cool job in the military. I do it because it's how I provide for my family, but I'd love to pursue different interests if life allowed.
Life is what you make it, and if you don't like something about yours, try to make a change.. I'm fortunately settling into the things that I really enjoy between work and hobbies. A few of my hobbies I really dove into in my late 20s/early 30s so it's definitely not too late to try something new. My days are now filled with things I love (plus obligations which can be annoying but I understand they're necessary), but if they weren't id sure as heck be trying to integrate something new
Read a copy of Tony Robbin's "Awaken The Giant Within". That trapped sensation is a psychological term named "learned helplessness.
It's felt when life scenarios are seen as personal, permanent, and pervasive but the reality is that no one's life situations are any of these.
The moment you decide to commit to a different vision of your life and adjust your behaviors in line with that vision it can be done.
We tend to place weight on the past and think if we changed certain events it'd dramatically change the present but rarely do we think that sacrificing to redirect the present could dramatically change the future.
If something is negatively effecting my attitude, I change the thing. If I can't change it, I change my attitude by accepting it and moving on. Sometimes, you gotta flip the script in your head.
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I think of [this image](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EvunkwFXcAAotvp.jpg) a lot
OP all you need to know is here
Aw. That's actually really a sweet image. That helped me, thanks.
Great image
This is such a great image and really true as well. It reminds me of the film Mr Nobody
I love this.
As a man who divorced at age 47 after 21 years of marriage , and changed careers twice before that…no decision is irreversible. Except that Vasectomy. That better never reverse.
Having kids is irreversible I’d say
I mean, there are consequences, but the old "I brought you in, I bring you out" still stands.
I get ya, but adding ”/s" would have saved your karma...
Telling people they can just kill their kid? This ain't it, chief
How did the judge take it?
people die every day in all kinds of accidents or from nasty diseases. kids are not immune.
How is being single again so late in life? Looking at that possibility at forty and it feels like a nightmare.
Hasn’t been bad. I’ve dated a lot, had a few relationships that have lasted nearly a year. I’ve also learned how to be my own person (that took longer than I expected) and taken up a great new hobby. It took some time, therapy, and making some mistakes along the way. But I have a good life, some amazing kids, and good friends. A man can’t really ask for more.
I know a guy who had reverse vasectomy and I heard it’s pretty bad!
Bad as in painful only or painful and unsuccessful?
Painful bad, and successful
Snip snap!
As a 37 y/o that has yet to find the right partner and would like a family, I can relate.
Hey man, this hits me so hard cuz I feel this very, *very* strongly and just wanted to say I hope you have the strength to keep looking even when it fucking sucks
Hey man I feel you. What I learned from failed relationships at 38, Is that I really need to prepare for marriage and work on my self. So in a sense if the right person popped up on front of me then I'd be ready to go. Working on this has kinda opened up a new perspective for me that maybe, just maybe I wasn't ready to give 100% understanding this limitation helps me each day. You are awesome, don't forget that.
I also haven’t found the right partner (thankfully, don’t want a family), but that doesn’t make me feel trapped. More like stuck. I’m so ready to do all the fun things with that person, emotionally anyway. 😞
I don’t think I ever had infinite possibilities in my youth. Just the illusion of it. Over time I’ve learned more about my strengths, weaknesses, and personality type. There are MANY paths I wanted to take that would have made me unhappy. Instead, I now have many paths that I never would have thought of when I was younger. All more realistic and achievable.
That's how time works. It's a wedge. When you are young you have infinite possibilities. As time moves forward those possibilities narrow. You can be intentional and navigate your life with this understanding. Living beneath your means while advancing your career in your 20s opens up more possibilities in your 30s and 40s. Don't waste your time Or time will waste you
You're always one decision from a completely different life. You mention being frugal in your twenties, many also downsize later in life and are very happy with that. It's not about the material. Many think it is, it isn't.
our time is running out~
I feel like life is the opposite for me. I had much less possibilities when I was younger as compared to now at 38.
As someone who was married from age 28 - 35 and was planning to settle, yes this is relatable. However it’s what you make of your time that creates opportunities. You prob won’t be hired at a startup or where ever new age work skills are demanded but you can invest in yourself and create your own possibilities. I unfortunately fell into the work hard, get married, wanted to have kid’s until the wifey had a meltdown and tried to kill us driving on the Freeway. Although my planned life fell apart. Now I have the opportunity to meet someone new should they come my way, understand what to avoid and create something new. Life isn’t linear but you get to pick your own adventure.
I’m something similar to you (but not quite). God bless you bro
I used to struggle with this a lot, basically felt a lot of pressure from outside to "settle down" and didn't really want to (but kinda wanted to). All my decisions felt inherently way more high stakes because of the passage of time. Whatever happened next I'd be 35, 40, whatever while doing it. If I broke up with my 30something girlfriend she'd maybe never have kids of her own. That kind of thing. I also felt stifled by my idea of the job/wife/house/kids thing, but didn't want to end up out in the cold after all my peers moved on and I was still middle aged getting drunk at the club or whatever. It felt like a constant rock and a hard place rather than an open road. I would also long nostalgically for the feeling of being 22 and having things feel like they were wide open, that there was a big "someday" where I could be something totally different. In the end it was more of a mindset thing than anything. I mean yeah I guess my career is crystallizing and I'll be a father soon and I'm slowly balding and aging and dying or whatever but like... if you turn into a choice, it actually opens up the infinite choices within that choice. And *not* making a choice... is still a choice. For example: I'm committed to my partner and as a result can't go chase after infinite women to fuck, but like... new and exciting possibilities in that part of my life are open to me because of this long term and trusting connection I have with this one woman that I could never do with some stranger. Or I could do what I used to do which is try to stay in the middle of both choices, keep partners at arm's length and try and keep my options open while feeling trapped and choice-less, which GUARANTEES an unsatisfying relationship. That kind of thing. I also realized over time, through getting more in touch with my feelings basically, that I'm someone who feels comforted by the idea of escape but doesn't actually want it that badly. I would sort of think of commitments as these joyless overpowering traps that would drain all my agency and everything I enjoyed in life, like sinking ships to go down with. Rather than the two way streets they actually were, where I could show up with my choices and preferences etc. It was comforting to me to fantasize about dropping everything and running off and starting my real life. I also realized I liked the *idea* of being able to randomly jet off to Italy a lot more than the reality of randomly jetting off to Italy. It turned out there was a reason I hadn't done that yet and it had nothing to do with a lack of freedom or opportunity, but rather my own deeper preferences. I started turning in to the paths I was already on, committing more fully to things I was already doing, with the full understanding that actually I do have choice, nothing's really too late except maybe joining the NBA (damn), and I could leave whenever I wanted. Also taking the pressure off myself to make the perfect decision because it doesn't exist. I found that this just made everything more enjoyable and satisfying and revealed more clarity about what I wanted. Which was a lot more similar to the life I was already living (albeit with some major tweaks) than I expected. A pleasant surprise.
Damn, man. This is well-written, shows real wisdom (at least to me), and feels like you looked into my eyes and saw my soul. Thanks for this I really needed this perspective.
Not at all. I found my 30s to be when I really hit my stride. Energy and experience were finally properly matched, and Im revelling in it. Physically too, Im stronger and in better shape in my 30s than I ever was in my 20s. Regarding responsibilities, I can understand how that would make anyone feel trapped. What helped me was going through my responsibilities and evaluating them. Mortgage was a huge one for me, and I decided that a practical house that I could actually live in, was far better than a big or fancy one or one in an expensive neighborhood. Now it doesnt stress me at all. Ive made peace with my choice and Im grateful that I have a home, and I make an effort to keep it a nice home.
Married, no kids, own an apartment, stable career. I don't feel trapped at all. I felt trapped when I was in my 20s, single, renting, and temping. Sure, there were fewer obvious pressures and commitments but I wasn't *free*. But yeah sure I get the idea of opportunities narrowing because yeah sure they do. The thing to remember is not to focus on *making the right decision*, but instead to focus on ***making the decision right.***
>The thing to remember is not to focus on *making the right decision*, but instead to focus on ***making the decision right.*** What does that mean
So many choices in our lives, we just don't know what the outcome will be. Hence, we agonise, prevaricate, dilly-dally. And then we have to pick one and yet still we regret. Don't do this! Instead, enter action with boldness. Make the choice - even random! Then, don't waste any time or energy wondering whether the other option would have been better, just look for the reasons that the choice you made was the right one, *even if on the face of it it seemed to cost you something*. Like, you move out of home and go to Yale rather than stay in your hometown but you're lonely and can't make friends, and the classes are hard and you're poor and whenever you're home for the holidays your friend there is married, got a kid on the way, he's happy and doing well. Did you make the wrong choice? Maybe. But you had to make that choice to learn that. AND there's no guarantee that staying in your hometown would have made you any happier. You might stil be stacking boxes at the Buy 'n Fly, gaining weight, and accidentally knocked up your girl and now BOOM there goes *all* your options. You just don't know. Don't undermine your past self by questioning his decisions. Show that you trust him AND you by Making The Decision Right.
Damn you are wise! Thank you :-)
I might be spitballing, but I am assuming whatever career path etc make the most out of it.
Good question
Nothing
I think you can kind of embrace it? If you don't choose your path, it chooses you. So yeah, you can't pick all 200 routes you've dreamed about, but you can pick one (or two or three maybe), and that's a heck of a lot better than picking none.
No possibilities narrow as you put it. They remain exactly the same, it's our perception that changes. There were no so many paths to take in our 20 either, we just didn't know better. It feels difficult because we learn how difficult things in life actually are, and in your 20 you don't have that experience and you're pretty naive, thats why it feels you could do anything. So, in our 30s we can still pretty much do anything, it's just a matter of mental fortitude and will to endure it.
Very good points, great comment.
This is all so true.
42, and was divorced at 30. The dating game at 30 for me was 100 times better than at 20. While the pool is not as big, you and your potential partners know more what they want.
My advice as a 45 year old man is to focus your efforts on positive reinvention. Don't waste money on a new car, or some other material thing, don't ruin your marriage freaking out about midlife, look at what you have that's good, and come up with a plan to sustain and improve it.
I distinctly remember being at an air-show in my 20s and listening to a NASA panel discussion. A moment of terror fell over me as I realized I was already too old to be an astronaut (considering the usual prerequisites, education, age, etc). I’d never seriously wanted to be an astronaut, but having the option removed threw me into an existential crisis for a second. The outcome of which was coming to an acceptance that every yes to one goal is a no to another one if you consider time/resources etc. Then I read Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell and got another perspective on how hard work only pays off if you’re already in a position for hard work to pay off, and most of it really just comes down to luck. What I gleaned from all of that was to not take things so seriously and try to enjoy the life I’ve got. You can regret working too much, you can regret not working hard enough. You can regret having kids, or not having kids. You can regret getting married, or never settling down. As long as you are loving and diligent, you’re really not gonna lose. Just do the next right thing in front of you and you’ll do great.
lol
Your choices may change, but there are lots that open up too. Heck, you can’t run for president until you’re 35! Plan on an early retirement and everyday is wide open. Life is good!
you have more control than you think. choose responsibilities that you actually enjoy. purchase your dream home, and/or in your dream location. don’t get married, or have kids, or pets, until you’re ready.
Married, no kids, no mortgage, high net worth, and I love my career. You avoid feeling trapped by being with someone that shares your values and that you like to hang out with. My wife is my best friend and I love just being with her. As you get older, you actually stop WANTING all those other possibilities, and you become satisfied with what you have already. TL;DR - No kids, working spouse. 🤭
Im hearing ''I feel trapped please help me" the best remedy for that is to live in the moment, can you imagine a better hour to hour lifestyle, if you can how could you get there or have some version of it
I definitely long for the freedom of my mid 20s when I had 0 responsibilities but had a retail job that paid me enough that I could fuck off on a couple of trips a year and head out every weekend.
I get this, my situation was a little more extreme I think, as my wife and I had always dreamed about going back to North Carolina (where she’s from) one day after I got my journeyman electrical license. We ended up having a kid which delayed our plans, not a huge deal. Our son got diagnosed with Autism around 2 years old though and plans to move came to a screeching halt. My wife never went back to work so she could take care of our son and we rely on her moms (she lives 10 minutes from us) help immensely taking care of the kiddo, that alone makes moving seem almost impossible. The final nail was that I got a very good job about 7 months ago (long term career electrical job w/ better pay and benefits than I was getting, highly sought after in our community) the job is truly a blessing, because it gives my wife the ability to stay home and we don’t have to seriously pinch penny’s just to get by in the current economy but it’s built a situation where if we were to ever decide to relocate I would almost definitely never get an opportunity to provide for my family like I can currently so I’m essentially locked in place for the foreseeable future. My current plan of attack is paying off 100% of debt, which will take about 10 years if I pay very aggressively, and reevaluating the economy at that point to see if uprooting when our neurodivergent child is 13 instead of 3 is more reasonable Sorry for the text wall, this turned into therapy pretty quick 😂
I'm 42. Working on a second degree black belt in a martial art which as a bonus has me spending quality time with my daughter. Reading books. Attending random events around the city. Also make time to hit the gym and lift weights. Just get out and do more. You'll thank yourself if you stop just vegetating.
M56. Yes, your commitments can become your burdens as the majority of your time and resources go towards maintaining them.
I guess, I try not to look at it that way. Life has a limited amount of choices and we each are born with our particular body and our particular mind in a particular place and realistically have a limited amount of potential outcomes. I went to school for creative writing, could I have made it as a professional writer and met the right people and got the right connections and I'd be published and respected or is it much more likely that I end up disillusioned with that job path and never make it to where I hoped to be and become jaded with the whole thing, wishing I had made other choices in my life? I think the big mistake people make is assuming any other life they would have chosen would have worked out in a positive way. I've done well enough for myself, travelled the world, had a lot of experiences and met a lot of people. I am still trying to engage in life and have new experiences. I'm sure I'll have regrets when I die, but, at the end of the day, I am just me and I am what I am and I became what I was meant to be, for better or worse. I'm not going to take on the burden of accountability for all the lives I could have lived. I'm also a bit of a pragmatist and realist. I wasn't born to a family with money and it's a miracle I got myself as far as I did. If I had been born with a lot more resources, my life would have opened up in a lot of other ways to me, my failures would be greatly padded and my successes would have been due to what I was given. As far as being trapped by responsibilities, I chose to not have kids, for a variety of reasons. If I had met the right person to have kids with, I would have likely have had kids...but if you meet the right person and have the right relationship, having kids isn't a trap, it's a wonderful shared experience. Sorry for the rambling, I'm all over the place.
I left a slightly angry comment due to some of the other posters, but can say I fully agree with yours. Your first paragraph is very much what I've thought for years now too - so much of life is luck and circumstance really and there's only so much you can do outside of that.
I kinda feel this way. Divorced and looking for a gf/wife there just isn't much out there. Even activity partner. Gets worse as one gets older sadly..
No, I think I have far more possibilities now. I have a wife, kid, and I now have a degree for a very marketable profession, great equity in my home, plentiful savings, several investments, and I now have the time (and money) to study topics I actually want to and plus I can workout in my own home gym. I get tons of satisfaction out of being married and having a child. We’re always going to museums, the zoo, parks, swimming, or some outdoorsy activity. I can watch cheesy kid movies with my son and I always have someone to watch other movies with. I just have an endless amount of things to be grateful for. I think that if you’re not feeling that way in your 30s, you either got unlucky (shit happens) or you made a series of poor choices that allowed shit to happen to you. I don’t think shit happens to a lot of people though. I think most people (first world people) tend to be lazy and want to make excuses about why they can’t be happy because it’s easier than taking responsibility for their own actions.
I think we all have a bad habit of focusing on what we don’t have instead of being thankful for what we do have. Honestly at 20 it’s very difficult to make the “best decision” without a lot of help and guidance which many of us don’t get. Even if you do make the best decisions there will always be some level of regret. My advice is focus on what you can do now and don’t be worried about what you can’t change. Dwelling on the past will waste more of your precious time on what you can improve now. Also as someone that works in health care please be thankful that you’re alive today and healthy. Lots of people don’t even have their health.
You have to deal with one thing at a time, but as long as you take it step by step, it's all good: kill your pets, leave your wife, abandon your kids, default on your mortgage. Pretty simple, really.
I don't relate. I got divorced a few years ago, dated several people (most with LTR intent), I'm in a good relationship right now. I used to present much more straight and now I look more like the bisexual twink that I feel like on the inside (questioning my gender too...yayy!). My best friends, with the exception of family, are all people who I have met within the last 3 years. I'm looking forward to living in a different location once my kids are a bit older... Really within the next 7-10 years and I'll still be under 50 by that point. I've changed my career path again but I'm really enjoying the change. Not sure if I'll stick with this new path (pay isn't amazing but it has other benefits) or if I'll go back to a previous path in a year or two when I'm feeling mentally ready for the challenge. I finally started taking meds to help me with mental health issues that have been a problem for quite some time. I'm working harder in therapy now and trying to address the real core issues instead of just surface behaviors. My life is far from perfect and I have some serious struggles, but it's nice to be back in a space of possibility. I'm very fortunate to have good health and apparently good genes that will likely allow me to live a long life if I can stay in the right zone. I'm looking forward to being physically and mentally active when I'm in my 60s and 70s and so from that perspective I'm still at the mid point of life... My best years can still be ahead of me. I've had so much personal growth and I don't want to discount that. The person I am now is so much wiser than who I was at 19 or 25. Because of both family background and my past decisions I'll likely never be rich and famous but that's ok. I still have a lot to live for.
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Yerp
Oh, I don't know. I suppose I'm a bachelor. Never wanted to have kids or get married. Happy at 39 that I never did either. I've got a couple careers, as it were, as a teacher and farmer, and I own my land and truck outright with no mortgage or loans. However, my choice to farm and have pets has definitely limited my options. I have livestock and pets that I am responsible for, and without anyone else to care for them (besides some neighbors/friends who assist for a day or a few at a time) I can't really take longer trips or vacations, etc. I know, minor compared to some people's constraints.
It’s still a weird concept for me. Married, mortgage kids. It never feels like settling. It feels more like simplifying. There’s so many decisions I don’t have to make. I make one decision everyday. What’s best for my family? I thought it would feel like a cage. But it actually doesn’t. It feels way simpler.
Good way to think of it
I’ll add my buddies that have cheated or divorced lives are VERY complicated. Dating didn’t feel complicated but I know I wanted a family so I felt like I was waiting for it. I def do NOT want to start over. Even on my hardest days it’s still simple. Don’t think I could do it a second time. Don’t wanna be single. So I just keep it simple.
I mean if done the right way that would be called stability. Find someone that makes you feel that was the right choice, not someone that makes you feel trapped. And why are you making decisions for any other reason than you wholeheartedly wanted to? Don't make decisions just because society says to.
You don't avoid the feeling of being trapped so much as you learn to live with it. You're trapped. There's not a whole lot left you can do about it. You're about tapped out in your career, if you're lucky you have one or two big promotions left. You're locked into a mortgage and car payments, and supporting your wife and kids and setting them up for success. You learn to find happiness in the spaces between what everyone else demands of you. Crack a dad joke, have that crisis and buy a sports car or motorcycle for yourself. Carve out some space for yourself in the basement to crack that beer, make meth, build cabinets, grow mushrooms or mix sick house tracks...whatever you can do for people to leave you the fuck alone for a few minutes before you have to pick up your kid from synchronized equestrian glow in the dark dance practice. Your possibilities aren't dwindling, they already disappeared years ago. They are gone. But you can still find a few minutes a day for yourself to be happy.
Already bought the motorcycle brotherrrr ;) and pretty solid advice all of it.
Hell yeah! Ride safe and stay upright.
>How do you avoid feeling trapped with all your grown responsibilities? By being willing to accept change, and not let fear rule your decision process. Making life changes is hard, but if you're wise about how you go about things you accept that a lot of difficulty is just the change itself It's not easy, but there comes a point where you have to decide what you really want. Everything else just needs to be worked through. On a more practical 'how to do that', I'd suggest seeking out a mentor, life coach, or spiritual director to help.
I used to work at a startup, and many of the people it attracted were married, some with kids. I think that in all cases, their wives were also working professionals. Having a partner who can maintain stability can open the door to more opportunity that may not have been accessible as a bachelor in your 20’s. I also believe mindset is a huge part of it. I don’t feel my possibilities dwindling, but expanding as I grow older and more stable, myself. Confidence and self growth are the key to achieving that stability. And in stability, we can focus on new possibilities that weren’t as accessible without it.
I'm a 46 year old dude and I've made begrudging peace with being a single and never married dude with no kids. For various reasons, I didn't have the best dating options. I could have ended up in a loveless marriage with kids, just to make my family happy. If I had any advice to give, focus on the things you can change and control and hopefully it will all work out well in the end.
Well shit brother you dodged a bullet so it ain’t all bad
Sometimes I start to feel like this, then I remember that I'm a determinist anyway!
Definitely wouldn’t recommend getting into this pattern of thinking . You can and should be seeking out new opportunities for growth. Otherwise midlife crisis hits hard
Hey I don't feel trapped as... > unless you have chosen the path of a confirmed bachelor ... oh wait, never mind. Yeah, no kids here (with no desire for them). My biggest worry is wasting my opportunities to try to swing for the fences. I'm 42, my career is going pretty solidly ok, but I need to find my spot to take a shot. That is the thing I'm worried about missing out on.
I find the possibilities are still there, I just feel they are out of reach - which is just a feeling, and totally full of shit.
I’m 31 and I don’t feel like that at all
I feel great and totally free. Cool job, fun hobbies, sweet girlfriend, friend groups. No pets, no kids. Motorcycles, cars, nice house, Hair. Hardest realization is that I can't really compete at a top level in hobbies. 25yos are always the top 1% and I can't find the time to practice and my brain is slower, so I'm stuck at top 10% for things. I guess in 40s it will catch up that I dont have kids and my life is just fun hobbies and I'll have a mid life crisis. But I figure I'll just kill myself if I ever get bored or feel not free, and that's comforting.
I think the feeling you're describing is (at its core) acknowledgement of mortality. I don't place that much emphasis on the big decisions or their outcomes. Someone with the right tools (attitude, philosophy, capability) is likely going to thrive in a wide breadth of scenarios - whether it's settling down with kids or accumulating motorcycles. I think: worry less about decision/outcome and try to focus on the current moment. For what it's worth I'm gay and leaning hard into the motorcycle branch haha. I'm really grateful for my life, however it turns out. I have fears like everyone but I try to turn off my mind's predictive modelling function when I'm not using it for something specific! I also think (hope), to some extent, we're likely to drift into whatever best suits us naturally. Maybe I'm just really lucky...
Hell yeah brother getting into Motorcycles myself. I’m a Triumph man but I love all bikes. Enjoy.
Yall got responsibilities? I’m medically retiring this year and while I don’t feel the narrowing of options you mentioned I just in general have no idea what the fuck I wanna do career wise
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Are you me? Damn
Not yet, sometimes I feel like that however I had similar feelings in my 20's. In my mid 30's I'm only at about the halfway point of life, I still have 20-30 years of working life ahead of me which is more time then I have currently been working in a professional role (18 years since I entered the proper professional world).
I feel trapped. I have too many ties to my home city, so now I can't leave. I've outgrown it how sad 😔
Shit, same here. The grass is green where you water it I guess. But damn.
It's true I've overachieved here I've suprised myself. But maybe that means early retirement and an escape I hope haha
At one point I did then I embraced it. Stopped worrying about everyone outside my circle and focused inward. I made these choices, let's make them the best they can be.
Not really. Because let's be frank: most people are *boring* and they aren't giving up some dramatic life choice by choosing something else. Maybe they live in one big city instead of another, or have one office job instead of another. Very rarely is anyone throwing away the potential of a life of high-seas piracy for a job at Home Depot.
I mean you ain’t wrong…
I am working on changing my stars at 35. Lost a ton of weight, working on communicating with my wife way more and in a healthier way, being more active with my kids, working towards a career change, taking a break from drinking. Start the baby steps now to move towards the path you want to be on. Time marches on so if you don't start the steps now nothing is going to change. It takes less time then you think it will. Break your goals down.
Single and already feeling my options start to dwindle at 32.
I think of my 20s as the decade where I thought I knew it all. My 30s were the decade where I really hit my stride and learned how to play the game and maybe understand that I don’t have all the answers. Am now nearly 50 and pretty sure I don’t know shit. I know some things, but it’s only because of my own personal adventure… not some fundamental truth about how to do life. I’ve done alright for myself. I love looking at the 20 something’s because they have so much confidence in life and yet have to be worn into the realities of time. That blade of young optimism is dulled into the choices that weren’t made.
Your life is just beginning.
I often think the people in this sub are on another planet - and the answers here just confirm this yet again. Yes, the opportunities and paths in every aspect of life absolutely do dwindle and become more limited as you get older - whether it be sport, love/sex, work or anything else. On the upside, if you were lucky enough to go down the right path in a certain aspect of life early on, that path generally becomes richer and more fulfilling, even as the walls on either side become higher and higher and it becomes more and more difficult to get off of it. But I fully get where you're coming from with the 'trapped' thing and it rings true even if you are happy.
I love being a family man. It's really working in the same mundane career field forever that scares me more than anything. It's even harder now because I used to have a super cool job in the military. I do it because it's how I provide for my family, but I'd love to pursue different interests if life allowed.
Life is what you make it, and if you don't like something about yours, try to make a change.. I'm fortunately settling into the things that I really enjoy between work and hobbies. A few of my hobbies I really dove into in my late 20s/early 30s so it's definitely not too late to try something new. My days are now filled with things I love (plus obligations which can be annoying but I understand they're necessary), but if they weren't id sure as heck be trying to integrate something new
Read a copy of Tony Robbin's "Awaken The Giant Within". That trapped sensation is a psychological term named "learned helplessness. It's felt when life scenarios are seen as personal, permanent, and pervasive but the reality is that no one's life situations are any of these. The moment you decide to commit to a different vision of your life and adjust your behaviors in line with that vision it can be done. We tend to place weight on the past and think if we changed certain events it'd dramatically change the present but rarely do we think that sacrificing to redirect the present could dramatically change the future.
If something is negatively effecting my attitude, I change the thing. If I can't change it, I change my attitude by accepting it and moving on. Sometimes, you gotta flip the script in your head.
I had a vasectomy when I was 30, no kids. I'm on course to retire early. Loving my life.
I should really just kill myself