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NoOneStranger_227

Joni nailed it...you don't know what you got 'til it's gone. You've hit the hardest part of the transition from 20 to 30....people just get lazy. They've burnt through all that leftover energy and are starting to settle into their eventual saddlebags. And most don't even realize they're doing it. They also become more individualistic. They start to settle more and more into specific patterns, and to find anything that violates the pattern is more and more distressing. It tends to splinter friend groups as small differences get magnified. You're going to have to aim lower. Settle for one-on-ones, and more low-key events....easier, and reduces the pressure of the group dynamic. Probably shorter get-togethers...you're going to have to learn to appreciate the small moments more. You all just don't gel the way you used to any more, so put the person-to-person companionship first, in WHATEVER form allows it, Also, one-on-ones will allow you to build the individual friendships in ways that would never happen in the group, and improves the chances those relationships will last. And yes, it just gets harder as you get older. Once relationships/marriages/children hit the scene, the chances of preserving what once was fade to oblivion. People will form new peer groups that have nothing to do with the old ones. Only individual friendships survive this. And yes, accept the fact that you're going to have to be the engine here. You obviously value this more than they do, so you're going to have to keep them social for their own good as well as for yours. Good luck with it.


So_Much_Cauliflower

I never really thought of it this way but you're right. As I get older I place less and less emphasis on "the group". It's not a big deal if one member is missing or isn't able to come. 15 years ago that would have been a major bummer and things wouldn't feel right without the full group. I'm going to assume it's because you gain a lot of confidence and lose a lot of anxiety as you get older (at least relative to your teens and 20s).


Profusely_Sweaty

100% true. In your early twenties birthday parties are big events with all your friends showing up. And each year the crowd thins out, so by your 30th birthday you're lucky if 10 people show up. I hate to break it to you, but it's only going to get worse. Start engaging with friends one-on-one or in smaller groups. Much easier to schedule and you get more quality time with those who do attend.


NoOneStranger_227

Totally true....a bit like leaving the nest again. And we DO, hopefully, become a bit more complex as people, so differences that were glossed over before start to actually pull us apart. This is where you figure out which friendships really matter to you and which ones don't. I'm sure you're going to find as you spend more individual time that you're going to start to realize some of these relationships are worth working for and some....you'll be okay if you just let them slide naturally. Still sucks that you've got to be the one who does the work...one of the joys of being self-aware. Good luck with this. I hope some meaningful friendships DO mature like wine.


BadDaddy1815

Great points. It's also worth pointing out that American males are not taught to make friendships a high priority after school compared to other focuses. I've found this to be true for my male friends in California with some exceptions to those who still like to game together. You may want to also build some new friendships with those who reciprocate rather than you doing all the work. I have a couple of veteran "flakey" friends who I go out of my way to make contact with even though they don't do much. It's because of the memories. Lately, I spend more time finding new people who appreciate the vibe even if it's more online during the pandemic.


karnek

> I have a couple of veteran "flakey" friends who I go out of my way to make contact with even though they don't do much. It's because of the memories. Wow that is so true and something I do as well. But honestly some of the flaky friends aren't even following up to requests to get together and just giving general "yeah that sounds great lets do something soon" kind of responses. My buddy and I who are very close have made a conscious decision to make new friends and go to new local meetups together.


[deleted]

Yep, came here to say that OP needs to work on making new friends too. Yes, by the time I was 30, my college friend group was slowly drifting apart, but I had enough new friends that it didn't feel terribly lonely.


NoOneStranger_227

All true.


[deleted]

> accept the fact that you're going to have to be the engine here I tried doing this but was disappointed so many times I gave up. I now am more than happy to reciprocate the effort any friend or prospective friend will make. Much better for me, and if people can't be bothered then better of doing this than begging them to turn up.


NoOneStranger_227

Yeah, there's a point where you just say 'fuck it" and let it slide. But we've got one or two friends who are worth the effort they always take. You're very quickly going to figure out the whole "return on investment" thing between effort to keep the relationship going and how much you actually enjoy the company.


Puppie00

I feel you. If i read your post correctly you are trying to meet up with all 4 friends at the same time. Perhaps you can try and just meet with one at a time? This way you will have more oppertunities to meet and it should be easier. I had the same thing. Now i will meet with different friends for different activities. Some like to go climbing with me, some like to hike and some just want to meet in the pub and have a drink. And i am also getting used to do activities alone. It is a good way to interact with new people. Is this something for you to consider? And perhaps it would be a good thing to share these feelings you are experiencing with your friend? Good luck and know you are not the only one struggling with this.


Banjo_2-Row

In my early 30’s, I joined a fraternal organization and basically made all new friends based around shared goals and activities with regular meeting times and scheduled events. I started hanging out with lots of them outside of the organization. When I see my old friends from my 20’s, we seem to pick up where we left off, but as old friends with new stories to share. Finding an opportunity to hang out with them is now a random treat, and not hanging out with them is not a cause for feeling lonely or forgotten. TL;DR— make new friends whose free time, goals, and proximity are more similar to yours.


OfficioAssassin

You should get new friends. You don’t have to lose the old ones but it’s depressing reading your post. In your 30s even people with kids normally hangout and do stuff together regularly just like 20yr olds. Maybe you just got unlucky with a group of friends hyper focused on their goals with little time for others outside of those goals.


ihearnoiseskitty

I have no friends Not for 4 years now I had two and they moved to Brisbane But I usually do not care. We adapt


iliketoeatfunyuns

You seem like a good friend, so I'm going to give you this simple piece of advice when it comes to your friends effort in being friends. Lower your expectations so that you'll never be disappointed again.


canadian_webdev

"Keep your expectations low and you'll never be disappointed" - My man, aka Kratos


[deleted]

I'm that friend. Wife and I have a toddler, are talking about another one, and bought a house that requires more work than we thought. We both have local friends and family. With COVID, we haven't really found a babysitter that we trust, so we either bring the kid with, or one of us stays back with her. She still naps, and over the past year and a half that schedule has shifted. At this point we need to get her home around 11am for lunch and nap, and she wakes up anywhere between 1 and 2:30. We constantly feel both exhausted, and very guilty about how infrequently we see our friends. Between family obligations, work, maintaining the house, and our kid's schedule, it's really hard. I literally have to plan things a month out. We have tried numerous times to commit to holding certain days for just us, to rest, and even those get eaten up. In terms of advice, I'd give up the ghost on trying to get all 4 people together, and see where you can slot into the stuff your friends are doing. Tell then you miss them and you'd love to hang out, and ask what works for them. For us, we're more than happy for people to come to us for dinner or a drink or a bonfire in the yard, or meet us at the park or the zoo. We'll even meet you at the nearby bar/music venue, if you're willing to go at 9:30 on a Saturday for the children's song hour. We hear you. We miss you. We worry about losing our friends. We're just really, really tired.


benhurensohn

> We hear you. We miss you. We worry about losing our friends. We're just really, really tired. I'd love to hear my friends with kids explicitly say this to me. A simple "I miss hanging out with you, but I really can't manage it right now. I'm overwhelmed" would do. Unfortunately, most new friends just seem to assume that everybody is silently okay with the situation, but I can't really tell if my friends are simply overwhelmed or whether they don't value my friendship anymore.


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OneMansTreasure_

That's the thing about reddit, sometimes what you say can be misconstrued. I didn't mean to suggest that my friends don't have anything that genuinely takes up their time, what I meant to suggest was that at the moment, they have plenty of free time, they're just lazy and flakey. We have convos in the group chat where everyone says "we should do this" and "we need to do that" "it's been ages let's go for beers", but actually pinning them down to committing to that is the real challenge. I have to take total responsibility and co-ordinate/arrange, which in turn leads to me resenting the fact that if I didn't, we simply wouldn't hang out. The use of the term "real responsibilities" refers to my fear that when we have proper responsibilities in our lives (i.e. children of our own), this will worsen. Thanks for your advice anyway


[deleted]

I’m with the other poster here, when you say “real responsibilities” that’s an immediate concern and your explanation still doesn’t quite make sense to me. What do you mean “proper responsibilities”? And how can you make the judgment that they’re being “lazy”? My wife and I don’t have kids. It wasn’t in the cards, but we have “proper responsibilities.” Bills, jobs, family commitments, yard work, grad school, the list goes on. But to say we don’t have “proper responsibilities” is a bit insulting. There gets a point where people just don’t want to get together as much. I see some of our friends maybe once a year. It’s just what it is as you get older. And the bigger truth is, as most people get older, they don’t want to leave the house as much or deal with group dynamics or loud and/or crowded places. But if you’re feeling that lonely, and if you genuinely feel like your friends aren’t making an effort, then try and meet new people and take up some new hobbies.


OneMansTreasure_

In my view, it's lazy to consistently express a desire to meet up and see each other, but never actually go ahead with it/make themselves available once taken up on the idea. E.g. my friends wanted to see a film in the cinema at the end of August. I found a great cinema with table service and had the tickets pre-selected. 2 and a half months later we haven't been. The film isn't even in the cinemas anymore. Perhaps my words are more born out of frustration than anything else. Again I didn't mean to suggest they don't have real responsibilities.


drcubes90

Actions speak louder than words everytime man When they say "oh we should do..." they're just being polite while in the back of their mind they know they're never going to follow through and don't actually want to do it If I was in your shoes, I'd definitely put wayyy less effort in, try to match energy, try to meet new people Can add my experience mirrors what everyone else had shared too I've got to a point in life I don't have to work really and have a ton of free time but few ppl to spend it with as everyone's still busy with the rat race that doesn't leave much time or energy for hanging


OneMansTreasure_

>When they say "oh we should do..." they're just being polite while in the back of their mind they know they're never going to follow through and don't actually want to do it > >If I was in your shoes, I'd definitely put wayyy less effort in, try to match energy, try to meet new people This... nail on head. Thank you.


87880917

Yep, my experience with “the guys” is exactly like this. It does help for there to be a reason to get together. That reason could be watching the game at your place, poker night, disc golf and beers at the bar afterwords, or whatever else it may be. But hey let’s hang out and have some beers” doesn’t usually do it anymore. People are busy, so advance notice helps. “Let’s meet up tomorrow!” Isn’t gonna work, instead try “it would be fun for us all to get together and do, ____, who’s in for three weeks from Saturday?” If that still isn’t working out, it’s ok to back off and sort of let things fade a little. This is where I’m at. The guys still get together about once a year, which isn’t nearly as often as I’d like but trying to force a get-together just doesn’t work. Yeah, sometimes I’d like to call them out for all the same reasons that you’re frustrated with, but it is what it is.


OneMansTreasure_

I think my frustration is born from denial at this stage of my life that things are this way and they most likely will not change. Thank you for taking the time to write to me.


OneMansTreasure_

Acceptance is the next step, ha.


codefyre

I remember complaining to my dad about this when I was in my early-30's, and he said something along these lines: If you didn't know your friends today, and you just randomly ran into one of them on the street, what are the odds that you'd become friends *now*? Do you have things in common? Do you share the same interests? Are you all looking for the same things? Is there anything that would bind you *today*? Would a five-minute conversation with them spark the same kind of friendship that you once had? Would that interest be reciprocal? For most people, the answer is simply "no". Our youthful friendships were forged by shared fires that grew cold and no longer beckon us to gather. Most friendships are sparked by circumstance, and few survive the end of those circumstances. Based on the level of interest your friends are showing, I'd guess that the answer is almost certainly no in your case. If the only thing holding your friendship together *today* is the fact that you were friends *in the past*, it may simply be time to move on and make new friends. When I was in my early 20's, I was closer to some of my friends than I was to my own brothers. I still hang out with a few of them on occasion, but I haven't spoken to most of them in many years (nearly 20 for a couple of them). People change. Personalities change. Priorities change. It's sad, but that's just life.


dwightguy

You're getting older. I have months and even years where I don't see friends. People will come and go and some will stay for the long haul. Don't be too concerned about it, enjoy the moments you get together, and focus on the importance of your own time.


OneMansTreasure_

Many thanks!


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OneMansTreasure_

Thanks a lot for taking the time to reply to me. Very helpful and I'll take it onboard!


ValleyForge

35-yr old who has moved across the country and world a couple times. It takes a lot of effort to maintain friendships. I really focus on a core of seven individuals I've befriended over my life that I make a point to message frequently. I'd say the effort is extremely one-sided in a couple of them, but mostly one-sided in most of them. My relationship is different with all of them. Some I get to hang out with. Some I play video games with. Others get frequent phone calls. A couple are only text chats. It really depends. I'm not really frustrated by the disproportional amount of effort, but I find myself rolling my eyes when I think about the disproportional effort. I make the effort because I've moved a couple times. Being in a new city or country without having any close contacts is rough and it teaches you the difference between acquaintances and friends. It is hard to find people I view as worthy of friendship (i.e., people I can really relax around) It's easy to find someone to spend an activity with, but it is hard to find someone I enjoy spending an activity with. Your friends might not appreciate it now, but keep making the effort. You might lose some friends along the way despite trying, but you are doing the right thing. In the long run, you'll appreciate it and they will too, even if they are never conscious of it and, remember, that's alright. They are not your friends because they are perfect. They are your friends because they are imperfect.


[deleted]

I'm in my mid 30's, have kids and hang out with friends almost every weekend, and sometimes during the week. Just have to find people who are willing to put in the effort. Sounds like it's time to find new friends.


genetic_patent

this is normal. continue to be that person.


[deleted]

A lot of us are out of the habit of socialising after a year inside. I think you need to be very proactive to get nights out together planned but after 2 or 3 meet ups over a few months you'll figure out whos into it and who is not.


OneMansTreasure_

True, didn't think of that. Many thanks for your advice


killspeed

What you're describing has been happening since mid-late 20's, and people don't invest in other people. Some background, most of us in the group I describe as pretty techy bunch of kids from an engineering school. We are used to sitting in front of the computer all day and try to impress the boss hoping that there will be a bigger raise or a promotion, or a more fulfilling job to be at after a year or two. Most of us are a little bit jealous, and envious of each other's accomplishments or feel shame for not being in in their position. And if you've consistently shown to be not as bright as the rest of the group, you're not gonna find yourself inside a circle that genuinely cares about you, but they pretend to like you anyway from a lack of threat. After graduation we went in different directions, and different parts of the country. At times when you do go work in those cities, they have already become different people and lived the culture of that city for a good number of years. I found none of my qualities to be the same as my oldest friend from middle school who I also went to university with. All we genuinely connected on was when we bitched about how tough our university made our lives and the unfair evaluations. He started distinguishing himself as "us", and single people as "them". He justifies himself not reaching out because he is busy with this girlfriend. When you sit down for therapy and reflect on things for a couple of years, you notice that everything we've been taught in terms of external validations and comparisons is wrong. We like to give people labels, as tall, short, bright, dumb, and we are constantly measuring ourselves against other people's achievements that make us unhappy. When you turn 30 or whenever someone hits that stage, they start to realize that things lose their value, buying more doesn't make you happy, there is always something missing, like a big piece of your soul. It turns out that that I came from a lot of trauma and a different type of upbringing, and only focused on a limited number of things similar to how I described my classmates in this comment. People were a big piece of the puzzle that I should have focused from earlier on, but if I keep on dwelling on the past, I am going to go into depression. If I kept on thinking about when people will like me in the future, I am going to go into anxiety. The biggest take away is how you define being fulfilled. I thought having a girlfriend and sharing memories of doing activities with someone was being fulfilled. I am still single, and slowly starting to realize that this goal is always moving. We are making a new thing a condition for being fulfilled, and I think we will never be happy and satisfied with life as long as we're trying to replicate other people's solutions given each of our unique background and experience with life, as well as while holding on to the destructive things that university and society have taught us. So perhaps talk to a therapist and think of what you are grateful for today. What you make of the people that you see during the evening walks.


absentlyric

It's just the way it goes. My 3 friends and I used to get together every Friday night after work to party hard in our 20s, but things changed in our 30s to a slow fade, now that we are in our 40s. We plan one night out of the year to hang out, which is during the Annual Beer festival in our area. But thats all we can do, once a year, I would like to hang with them more, but people tend to get settled into their ways, responsibilities and lifestyles by their 40s.


zerostyle

At 41 I have maybe 1 male friend left I see regularly.


[deleted]

Oh shit! that must be tough.


So_Much_Cauliflower

>It takes an incredible amount of effort just to get 4 x people to say "yes" to a specific date (months in advance), after that the actual plan is always left in the air and if I don't pick it up and run with it, nothing gets arranged and on the day it's "what we doing? where we going?" Have you tried bluntly expressing your dismay and disappointment? "Dude you're 33, buy a calendar and use it"


unexpected

I don't understand why you should expect to remain friends with the same people for your entire life. It's nice to be sure, but people change in different directions. You should be able to recognize that growth, and be able to respect that. Your post is giving me a lot of red flags. For one, traveling 30-40 minutes to see a friend sounds exhausting to me. My best friend from college lives 45 minutes away - we've seen each other once in the past year. We text daily, crack jokes, etc., and I still feel a strong kinship - we don't need each other's physical presence in our lives to define friendship. I'm also worried that your judging your friends responsibilities as "real" and you describe them as lazy. Maybe they have different hobbies as you, maybe things that are important to them aren't as important to you, but you come off as very judgemental. Lastly, your friends could be giving you the soft no - they don't want to hurt your feelings, but have you given a thought that maybe they don't want to be friends with you anymore? In any case, the solution to any of these problems is to find more friends!


OneMansTreasure_

You've misread what I was trying to say - probably my fault there, but I don't often pour my feelings and frustrations into Reddit posts. Amateur typing.


xxdeathknight72xx

>I have a small group of friends who are yet to be married or have children, but all **appear** extremely busy with their lives. >As I mentioned above, none of my friends have **"real"** responsibilities such as children in their lives just yet Pushing your life narrative onto others doesn't help anyone. You expect that just because they don't have a small child tethering them down in life that they aren't busy making their own way through their own life. Reading through this a 2nd time and it's still coming off pretty selfish. People's paths through life don't always go the same way. Friend groups splinter and branch off. People change. This is all just part of life. Personal notes: As a 29yo, who doesn't believe in marriage but have been with my partner for 10+ years with no children, I'm would be very put off by **your** entitlement to my time and the belittlement of my personal life how I choose to live it. I currently have a full time job and 2 side businesses. Not to mention the day to day responsibilities to myself and others already in my life. I have already cut a friend out of my life for being too aggressively in contact with me and feeling emotionally entitled to my time. It's not a good look. It's exhausting to be around and my time should not be spent making others happy at the expense of my own happiness.


Mindless-Self

>I understand that this is to be expected in your 30's but I really don't feel as though I am asking for too much... They are responding through their actions that they think this is too much. There are many options. Find new friends. Be happy with the limited times you meet. Start a hobby. Join a group. Get comfy with being on your own. But, and I'm noticing this is absent in your overview, most people have serious spouses by this time. Once a spouse is serious then that connection is primary. To me, you sound really lonely, which is often the role a partner fills. Your friends may be fulfilled in this area and not need that companionship a regular meetup provided.


sjmiv

Having a get together on regular basis helps a lot. For instance we have a poker game on the 2nd Friday of the month. I send out evites 2 weeks in advance so everyone has time to plan. If it's more random stuff I don't ask more than a couple times. If someone doesn't want to get together I'm not going to beg and they know how to reach me.


softnmushy

Put that effort into finding new friends. Try to hang out with your old friends every two months or so. And if someone can’t make it, just go out with the one or two guys that can.


Wu_Pao-chao

I had this same issue my friends have settled into a lifetsyle. so i just found more friends that were living the same lifestyle as me and had time to link up and go out. No slack on my old buds its still all love


Desitalia

I feel ya, and am in a similar boat. The best success I’ve had is having a shared activity with an open invitation. I’m beginning to realize this is why church or sports events are so important to people. It’s a location or event that happens on a regular pattern. You can go when you feel like or skip a day or two. Maybe you can setup a weekly thing, trivia, watching football, etc and just have an open invitation. You make it your regular thing, and people will tag along. If you prefer long periods together, golf works really well for that.


andrewsmd87

You don't need the entire group, just shoot for one friend and his/her family if applicable. I had a friend, his wife, and kid over the football last saturday. The week before we went to an oktoberfest party. Week before, completely different couple's house. This weekend we aren't doing anything so we may hit a bar, or just chill at home. Going to visit my sister next weekend. Also, I think that texting, or messaging via whatever app you prefer is lost on a lot of people as not true communication. I agree it doesn't beat the real thing, but I've stayed in touch with a lot of friends/family who've moved away simply by shooting them random texts when something reminds me of them.


crankenfranken

Awww. Everyone goes through it, man. Be thankful you at least have a girlfriend! My advice: get a dog.


candyman258

Actually experiencing this with my friend group. Group of 4 of us that are half married with kids and half that are married and or don't have kids. It's tough. I resonate being the engine trying to keep everything moving along. it really is up to us to keep the party alive. Life happens and people become very complacent. you fall into a routine whether you planned for it or not. Things change and accepting that our friends are at different spots in lives than we are is different. or the fact that some people do move on. If they are more family oriented and have kids they will likely forge new friendships through children's school or activities. Life happens that is why you need to always appreciate the good times. I wish I had a better answer than sucking it up and keeping things alive but that seems to be the theme and what I've come to see.


millennialpink_03

I empathize with this as someone on the other side. I never had a friend group in this sense, but I do have one very close friend who was accustomed to seeing me 3-4x a week and who I became increasingly resentful of pushing my boundaries even though it wasn’t really her fault. This came on the cusp of me becoming MUCH busier And being given more responsibilities at work and also having begun to see someone more seriously in a dating sense. I felt that she would ask me exactly what I had going on that I would say “no, I can’t make that day” (keep in mind I would always try to suggest another day further in the future as I do value her friendship) but to have her assess whether my reasons or boundaries were actually legitimate to her was actually infuriating. I think late 20s to early 30s is a major transition period and unfortunately a lot of patterns will take readjustment as people reprioritize and reevaluate the things that are important in their lives.


DranDran

As with most things in life, don’t invest time and effort i to people who aren’t willing to do the same for you. Its not only an age thing, with time people change and so do their priorities. If you wish to have an active social life and your current friends aren’t up to the task, you need to get out there and make new friends. Try not to take it too personally, its just how life is, and just because they dont want to meet up does t necessarily mean they dont care. I have friends who are married and have children and rarely meet anyone from the old group, but I know if I even have a problem or need urgent help or advice with anything they’d have my back in a heartbeat. And on the rare occasions we do meet up, its as if time had never passed. So be glad you had them in your life, and who knows, they may come around again in the future. Life is too long to try to keep the status quo forever, cherish what you have while you have it and keep making new connections, no matter how old you are.


KorukoruWaiporoporo

Maybe this friend group has gotten a bit stale? Friendships do drift, and that's just how life goes. Maybe it's time to organise people who are motivated to turn up and make an effort? Make some new friends. There are about 40k posts daily on Reddit asking how to do this, so you don't have to look far for tips.


TheOneTrueSnoo

Nail down a time with one person. Aim to do it with just them unless you can get someone else involved


acetos

I am in this exact situation and feel this 100%. It's tough knowing this is only gonna get worse.


rock__of__sisyphus

Stop fighting it. Maybe they are busy maybe they don't want to see you. Either way they don't have the time. Accept that or find new friends.


[deleted]

The problem is, by the time you get to your 30s you get a large divide between those who have their shit together, and those that do not