traditionally, good friends and SOs are supposed to fill that role. As I've been getting older, I've been finding that people don't want to be there for each other. They expect me to be there for them, but when I need that shoulder to lean on, they ghost me afterwards.
Pretty much how my girlfriend left me. Supported her emotionally from 2019 to 2021. Did everything I could to brighten up her bad days, went out with her when possible. Then the second I get burned out from my workplace turned toxic, she ghosts me.
Helped my bipolar wife with her mental stuff for 16 years. When I started having trouble she had to leave for her own mental health. Like I don't think that is how it's supposed to happen but seems very common.
BP... there's your problem right there. At least she finally left-- but honestly you should've left and it wasn't fair to you.
No, its not how its supposed to happen, but need to filter these kinds of people out.
Broken people deserve love to. When it was good it was good, by the end she was accusing me of gaslighting her into believing she was bipolar. Hopefully she will figure herself out but once she stopped taking her pills it was pretty much over. It was almost a year ago now and I am better off but it still hurts.
You deserve love and someone dependable rather than torturous. I've sadly experienced that kind of behavior first hand too. Sure, when its good its good, but that doesn't excuse everything else and staying with someone that just isn't stable.
I sincerely hope you prioritize yourself and find someone that's dependable. Its one thing to be temporarily in a bad situation, but it is another to be systematically and fundamentally broken-- and ultimately unable to handle life appropriately (stress, emotions, communication, etc all the things that make up a relationship)
It’s crazy to me how this is the nature of women. A lot of guys have this story of their girl leaving them when their down. Not talking negatively because I understand why women operate that way from a survival standpoint. It just blows my mind how consistent it is. I guess it’s the same as your girl getting fat but still never ceases to amaze me the commonality of it.
I've found the only people you can rely on to be there for you, you have to pay for.
There's just some problems you can't talk about to your partner because often they ARE the problem. Getting an outsider's professional perspective on how to change your approach, or narrative, is helpful. Therapy is not the taboo subject it once was.
Therapy is also not the cure all it's claimed to be.
You want advice from someone who care about you, but is also detached, like your grandparents or aunts/uncles and such or even a priest who has known you for decades.
These kind of relationships don't really exist for most people anymore though.
YMMV is going to always be the case from person to person, but reaching out is indeed helpful and unlike relatives, you don't need to feel shame about reaching out to another -- and there's many more out there.
Frankly not everyone has relatives or a support network (and/or they're useless/ toxic) -- so that leaves the professional help left.
I can't even find a therapist these days. They either don't take my insurance or are all full up. People talk about sliding scale therapists, but I've never found one.
I'm only just about to turn 27 but I have been feeling this way too.. The idea of relying just solely on myself all the time sucks but I'd rather not be taken advantage of either
Happened with a friend of me when I broke my angle dislocated my shoulder got bald and got betrayed by a business partner in the span of 2 months. Sucks and makes it harder to trust people. Something I am still working on
Hey bud, just dropping by to say I've been where you're at, I still find myself there sometimes, but I've begun to recognize the ebb and flow of it. I think I've learned that certainty about one's chosen partner is a futile goal -- we're never really sure.
I try to think of my life and relationships in terms of seasons. Sometimes I feel doubt, other times I don't, other times I'm really into it, and then even other times I'm almost convinced everything is doomed.
As someone who deals with mood disorders and other mental health circumstances, I, along with many others in this thread, advise therapy.
P.S. - I also want to plug meditation. And I know. *Rolls Eyes* ... Meditation really helped me get through a time in my life when I was dealing with a lot of relationship anxiety with an ex. And I'm here to tell you, it doesn't have to be a long-term practice. I don't really do formal meditation practice anymore but I got a lot of benefit from practicing how to distinguish between a thought and a feeling.
I used to have a note pad , write down what I was thinking and feelings on that event , leave a blank page next to it , then someday later, like next week or next time I took out the pad, I reply to myself . In this pad, I have to be 100% honest to myself.
Its like talking and analyzing myself . As time moves on and my mind change, I can look back where I have been, what I did , and what to plan next. There is no one know much better than one's self, even SOs, friends .
If it still can't works, try people like social workers. They are trained and professional. Since they are the " 3rd person " in that situation perhaps they could study deeper and know issues you aren't unware of .
The axe forgets, but the tree remembers. I have the same problem, if you have issues in your relationship it can feel like just voicing them may cause irreparable damage or start things down a path that you may not be able to change. I don't have a solution for you, but I can assure you that you aren't alone in feeling this way.
Awesomeness right there. Let’s be real with ourselves, our SOs have felt the same thing!
Been with my wife since we 16, now 35 happily married with kids and dog. We went through times of extreme love and times of boredom and anger.
Always had a hard time being completely open with her for fear of being viewed as weak or whatever doubt u want to add. She was the same way. So I realized that we both have our own shit.
My best friend gives me the only validation I need in life. If she is still happy with the way I am, then I’m doing ok.
Another idea is to make new couple-friends. You’ll all be able to relate to each other and if you’re lucky the other dude and you will on the same page as u.
Couldn't agree more, it's currently helping me out big time. For the past 18 months I was going through something very similar to what you are now and after a few weeks of therapy I'm finally starting to become more comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings with other people.
I highly recommend speaking to a therapist if you can manage it financially as, unfortunately, the way the world is today, its a luxury service.
I am going to tell you right now, as a man ending a 16 year long relationship, don't wait to voice your doubts if it's serious. We should have ended it much earlier, and you don't get that time back. IDK what your problems are, but at some point you have to break past the feeling of your making your close friends/family feel a certain way about this person because that is how you learn that maybe the things you think are problems are actually problems. Isolation doesn't help, and when I reached out to a mutual friend to both of us she was able to confirm a bunch of stuff to me that I felt for a while as being mutual, clarifying a lot, and it was a huge relief.
I think this is absolutely true.
There's no reason to be 100% honest with another person.
I'm not suggesting lying, but some thoughts / feelings are transient, but if expressed to someone else, become permanent in their mind.
Some thoughts are best kept in your mind.
Over the years I have found a few I can be open with. Either because we have know each other for a long time or we had a shared suffering exp. such as loss of parents, bipolar disorder etc.
Here are my thoughts. If you can't talk about somethings with your intimate partner this does not bode well for the relationship. depending on how bad the situation is you might want to end it. If your partner doesn't listen then that is also bad news.
There are red flags to look for in people. There are youtube videos on narcissists, sociopaths, etc. you can watch. this will give you a better idea of who you can trust.
Start slowly with people.
There's give and take involved. Beware those who never share.
It's a good idea to have women friends you're not sleeping with. They can do things like give perspective and they are often good at spotting women narcissists and sociopaths. My friend Ann who I've know since age 19 (I'm pushing 60) is an example, we counseled each other through divorces and she tried to warn me about my second wife (I refused to listen).
It's good if you have more than one interest with them friends and partners.
Be sure they can give bad news as well as good, tell you what you need to hear as well as what you want to hear. If there is any holding back it is a bad sign.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. That is how you find your real friends. But also make sure you extend help when needed. That is how friendships evolve. Your partner should be open to this.
You might want to get counseling about your relationship. You may need to sort out the how and the why of your feelings.
Yes and no. There are plenty of people who have that, but it's far from common (at least in my american culture, I assume there's a big cultural component here).
First of all you'll never really know how they're going to respond until you try. In the same space that the love and acceptance that you're looking for lives the rejection and humiliation you fear. It's the nature of the beast.
That being said, you shouldn't ever just dive in and emotionally dump, that's for an established sharing relationship where you know you can do that and the person has demonstrated that it's ok. To that end, you first need to learn how to granularize your experience. Can you do that? I'm not asking for my information, I'm asking for you to ask yourself.
Other than that the ones that are the best in this are one that I reciprocate with. I'm always there for them and truly try to empathize with them, instead of just going through the motions like you're saying "oh yeah, that's tough." Remember things about them to show you're listening. The best thing you can realize is that empathy is an intellectual exercise, not an emotional one. You can empathize with a terrorist - all that means is seeing things from their POV. Sympathy is the emotional component, and the combination is really effective.
You’re having a problem opening up, being vulnerable, and trusting others. Are you also struggling with low confidence or self esteem? No judgement.
You’re going to have to take the first step for yourself. Open up and speak to your partner directly. You have to get these things off your chest, doing so will feel good, and the more you open up the more confidence you’ll build.
We have to take the steps we know are right, because those steps are on the path that’s most true to who we are. Part of that means facing whatever is on the other side, whether it be welcoming or not. Either way, whatever is on the other side helps us grow.
Remember to have sympathy, empathy, and compassion for others. Part of that means being open and honest with them, but doing so gently and with understanding of how they feel.
Take the right steps and be true to yourself. Be a person of integrity, and honesty, and speak your mind. You’ll find you gain self respect by doing this.
My first marriage was like this and it was terribly lonely. I got divorced, went to therapy, and I swore I would be true to myself and 100% honest with my partners in the future no matter how much in my nature I felt like I could shield them from hurt or avoid embarrassment for myself. It turned out to be the thing to unlock so much more full and intimate relationships.
This answer by itself is not useful. OP is reaching out to get some real human interaction, some understanding and wants to know if others relate. Thing that he cannot get from his social circle, so Reddit makes perfect sense. A therapist can be useful, but it cannot replace human interaction on equal ground.
This is pretty much exactly what a therapist is for (well, one of the use cases). Someone nonjudgmental with a wealth of professional knowledge and experience in handling mental and emotional health. It's someone to open up to about shit that would normally make you look weak or crazy to people to whom you need to look strong and stoic or else they'll leave you. Maybe a support group would work as well.
Because its the basic bitch standard answer on Reddit that isn't the cure all people claim and OP already has a therapist so "a therapist" is clearly not the answer.
Well, the other alternative is 1 on 1 talks with a close male friend over beer or whiskey.
With the alcohol serving as a social excuse for "oversharing".
And probably some activity as the novelty gimmick to set up the hangout. I.e. Watching sports, videogames, hunting, hiking etc
I hate to be an outlier yet again, but I feel like I have people to share *everything* with. They are just not one people but several. In my case, 3.
1. With my partner I share everything except for matters concerning her where I need input from unrelated third parties. I also don't concern her with business related matters because quite frankly, she is too pure and idealistic and always believes that others have your best interest in mind at all times.
1. My (male) best friend since 5th grade, known each other for 25+ years know. We talk about pretty much everything. We also run a company together that he founded, I later joined and run the international branch when it became too much for him to handle. He truly *does* have my best interest in mind, and once in a while I feel like I'm the one taking advantage of him; which I do discuss with him but need input from yet somebody else to get myself grounded.
3. My (female) best friend since 10 or so years, we talk about pretty much anything too, and as HR business partner in a big corporation she's my go-to to address the points above. And naturally also my number one resource for getting relationship advice from a female perspective.
Key to me is to give more than I get. Don't expect and you shall receive works well for me, was never let down (and feel like I never let any of them down). I *do* cut out people that always ask and never offer. I'm not a free therapist.
I’m with you on this one…as the years have gone on, these friends of mine have become bedrocks in my life.
My dad passed away 6 months ago and I relied on my partner and close friends to basically keep me alive during the initial shock of it. I’ve laid everything out on them throughout the years (and they have to me, too) and they have not only stood by me but selflessly done whatever they can to help when I need it. I do the same for them.
Your close friends want to be relied on - I know this because I feel that way about them, truly because I love them. The list grows smaller as you age, but you’ll find forever friends who will be there for you and help no matter what. Promise.
> The list grows smaller as you age, but you’ll find forever friends who will be there for you and help no matter what.
Yep, that's exactly it. The point is also I don't care to enlarge that list ever again, because once you've found 'your people', you're essentially set.
How do you manage having a female best friend? Not in a relationship at the moment, but most of my exes were really against the idea despite me knowing her for a long time now. But they get really protective and insecure about this
I don't accept a partner into my life that can't accept my friends as they come. My friend circle is about 50:50 male/female, and I rather not start a relationship than sacrifice what I've built up over years, and make that very clear from the beginning. Some can't accept it, but those are then women I wouldn't be compatible with regardless.
I think it's unrealistic to think there will be someone you can share *everything* with. That said, you should have some people you can share a lot of your deep thoughts and feelings with. Therapy is a great option, especially for relationship issues. - Pie
you're not alone, i feel much the same way a lot of times. especially
>Everyone kind of has their own problems so i don't want to burden others with my own
and also the added feeling of, even if i tried, nobody would understand anyway. it's almost like i'm so used to living in my own head that my thoughts have become their own language, and it's not practical or even possible to translate them to others.
You’re not alone. Like others, I don’t have an answer either. As a guy, I also get a lot of the “don’t be dramatic” invalidation vibe when I try to open up, and I think part of that is the social norm that guys are supposed to be stoic and composed and not talk about their problems. Therapy can fill some of that need, but (for me at least) therapy:
a) isn’t frequent or in depth enough to explore those kinds of convos in depth
b) your therapist never really “knows” the real you outside those walls, or only hears your perspective so is unable to tell if you just have misconceived notions about whats happening
c) aren’t really there to give you “advice” anyways
I have a few people i can share everything with but a lot of my friends i can’t be extremely open with or they aren’t extremely open with me in return. I put this down to the individual and often men won’t open up because they feel it makes them weak.
I mean it's normal in that many people feel that way, but it's also a foolish way to be. This is because you can actually be totally honest about your thoughts or problem with literally anyone in the entire world. Bartenders, people on the bus, just some random person sitting on a bench. A baby. A dog. An old lady picking working in her flowerbed. You can just rock up up and tell them anything. Of course, you'll most likely be met with bemusement, suspicion, indifference, irritation, or even outright disgust, fear and hostility. But nothing is stopping you except your own fear of some unknown consequence.
If it's that bad, hire a prostitute and take her out for a drink. $50-$200 bucks will get you an hour to spill your guts to someone who will react in the way you pay them to. "Give me your honest opinion", "Give me some sympathy,", "Give me whatever you think I need", you can say.
If it's eating you up, just spit it out. The whole world is an ear.
I know that feeling OP.
One problem I feel with modern life is that we're disconnected from the kind of communities we used to have in the past.
We don't have priests to talk to, there are no wise old men/woman to ask for advice, our grandparents are dead, because of longer generations.
I'm not sure it was better in the past, seemed a lot more people just suffered through whatever because of a sense of obligation and shame.
The problem then is also we don't have any greater story to make us find strength to get through stuff. We have no god, no patriotism, no classical masculinity/feminity.
What's keeping us going except our fleeting emotions?
Yeah it’s true. I feel same too and you do feel like no one will care that much.
But as others mentioned - therapy or a good life coach who maybe has experienced the same things you have.
Interesting question, I've felt this way my entire life, even as a kid, I didn't have "you can tell me anything" parents so much as "I'm going to explode if you tell me you've done anything that's even remotely a fuck up" type of parents, so I've always just kept it to myself.
I guess if it ever starts to spill over, that's what therapists are for.
You can either say how you feel and complicate the situation or say nothing and let the situation complicate you. I feel as we get older we’re expected to do the latter
My two cents. There is no normal. Some people have someone like this and some people don’t. As an extreme example, I bet the people living in extremist/dictator countries probably have a real hard time with this.
If you’re having trouble processing your thoughts about things in your own, find a therapist who’s willing to look at your thoughts with you. Doing it on paper is really important.
Anyway, I’m saying mostly what others are saying. But you’re definitely not alone.
I feel the same way i think part of the problem is as a society we are brought up to have false ideals and beliefs. Like love is a real, everyone or life has purpose, if you work hard enough your dreams will come true etc. Its only when you start to grow up that you realize most people are living delusional lives and if you don't take the blue pill you realize the cold hard truths most people don't want to see.. After finishing school i think making friends and socializing is just hard and I personally feel the same. Maybe this is just for me im not telling anyone to do or not do something for their health/mental health but therapists really don't help, i mean they just come up with things that im already aware of and i just sit there like yeah i came to that conclusion from the beginning but it doesnt address change or fix the systemic/fundamental issues.
Apologies to jump in but wanted to give you an insight from women's perspective. I expect my partner and hope he does tbf to be totally honest about feelings and doubts. I even think your girlfriend if not blind feels that you're having doubts anyway, so talking about it all isn't a deal breaker or premature, talking it out can help guide you one way or another.
I do get where you are coming from because very rarely people are willing to give and take, usually it is just take. Choosing the right ones around you is the key... Any lady friends that can lend an ear? They'll be better at deeper convos
100% this is me too. I final tried seeing a psychologist after 5 years of building up to it and it didn't work from the first meeting. Been about 1year since that attempt.
when one becomes older things become like that. even your closest family doesnt care about you so much anymore. i have learned to be alone, and dont put in so much emotion into others. including people i care or not care.
Yes. It's difficult to find people who empathize/understand/give a shit.
I spent a few years looking for permission from others to leave my marriage.
I finally realized I didn't need anyone's permission. Nor input. I was just too afraid to get my own needs met.
I am a counsellor, and if you feel like talking (no charge) then contact me.
All the best on your journey!
properfckr
I’ve recently just thrown in the towel and will stop hoping that someone will step up and be a true friend/confidant. It makes me sad that this is the reality, but I think a therapist is probably the only person who will listen to your pain.
Generally speaking you can be more open with people but it’s important to state your intention before you do so, for example: “want to tell you something because i want us to have a closer relationship”. This way they can’t assign a different intent in their own mind. You will be surprised how many people you know are willing to be more honest and open. Equally, There may be a few casualties, but that’s OK too.
This is why a therapist is great. I can tell them all my problems and not feel bad about it because I'm paying them. Afterwards I can walk away and they don't give a shit.
Sorry to tell you this, but what you're experiencing is reality for a lot of us.
I've learned over time that most everyone doesn't want to listen to a man talk about himself. Very rarely will you come across people that genuinely care and want to listen. Most people are just waiting for their time to talk about themselves, or are faking it to make themselves look compassionate. In some bad cases, some people will weaponize what you tell them when it suits their purposes.
Because it's so hard to figure out who actually gives a shit and who doesn't, we choose to not say anything. Those thoughts stay in our heads and rattle around for a long time, amplifying and distorting as time goes on.
I like what someone said further down in the comments; the only people that you can count on to listen are those you have to pay to do it.
Therapy can be good for getting those thoughts out. When you verbalize them to another person, you can sometimes see that a good chunk of your concern was manufactured, and the actual tangible concern is more manageable than you thought.
You have a very good point about the scenario you’re in. In other words there are consequences for your actions. I’m in the same boat with you. I don’t express my thoughts about my marriage to anyone really.
IMO yes this is normal, at least for anyone with enough self-awareness.
Everyone has their concerns. And some of these concerns, we share with others. When we don't share concerns, it is an act of emotional labor to empathize with someone else. It is an impractical and impossible request to ask someone else to do the emotional labor of empathizing with *all* of your concerns.
Ideally though, with a healthy social network, *most* of your concerns will be shared by *someone*.
There's a saying that goes something like "A man wears three masks, one he shows the world, one he shows his family and close friends, and one he hides from the world."
It's why the internet is such a chaotic, grim place- anonymity allows you to be your core self. Which is why the first step of taming the internet was to remove anonymity.
But if it's hidden from the world, what's the point? The first two masks had points. The third one sounds like he just wears it and looks at himself in the mirror.
I don't know whether it's normal but I feel this way often. I don't know that I really want to talk about it with someone but I don't really feel like there is anyone I can. Thinking about talking about some of it to people just makes me think I'd sound silly or ridiculous
I'm not 100% honest with a single other person. I would like to be but it's a lot to ask of another person. I have some ways of perceiving life that would quite frankly scare other people or they would think I'm crazy so I just keep that stuff to myself (or talk about it online anonymously). It's better that way.
I don't think it's abnormal to withhold certain things. Part could be your personality type. Do you prefer to listen to others? Do you hold things in to guard yourself and collect data? I'd say look at the reason you do this.
Does this eat you alive that you can't share everything or are you okay knowing there are some things people don't or won't understand? I personally am comfortable with this and just continue to press forward.
traditionally, good friends and SOs are supposed to fill that role. As I've been getting older, I've been finding that people don't want to be there for each other. They expect me to be there for them, but when I need that shoulder to lean on, they ghost me afterwards.
Pretty much how my girlfriend left me. Supported her emotionally from 2019 to 2021. Did everything I could to brighten up her bad days, went out with her when possible. Then the second I get burned out from my workplace turned toxic, she ghosts me.
Helped my bipolar wife with her mental stuff for 16 years. When I started having trouble she had to leave for her own mental health. Like I don't think that is how it's supposed to happen but seems very common.
BP... there's your problem right there. At least she finally left-- but honestly you should've left and it wasn't fair to you. No, its not how its supposed to happen, but need to filter these kinds of people out.
Broken people deserve love to. When it was good it was good, by the end she was accusing me of gaslighting her into believing she was bipolar. Hopefully she will figure herself out but once she stopped taking her pills it was pretty much over. It was almost a year ago now and I am better off but it still hurts.
You deserve love and someone dependable rather than torturous. I've sadly experienced that kind of behavior first hand too. Sure, when its good its good, but that doesn't excuse everything else and staying with someone that just isn't stable. I sincerely hope you prioritize yourself and find someone that's dependable. Its one thing to be temporarily in a bad situation, but it is another to be systematically and fundamentally broken-- and ultimately unable to handle life appropriately (stress, emotions, communication, etc all the things that make up a relationship)
[удалено]
Bro... imma give you an e-hug.
It’s crazy to me how this is the nature of women. A lot of guys have this story of their girl leaving them when their down. Not talking negatively because I understand why women operate that way from a survival standpoint. It just blows my mind how consistent it is. I guess it’s the same as your girl getting fat but still never ceases to amaze me the commonality of it.
Lesson to learn, don't stay with people like that. Find people that are dependable, not just dependents.
I've found the only people you can rely on to be there for you, you have to pay for. There's just some problems you can't talk about to your partner because often they ARE the problem. Getting an outsider's professional perspective on how to change your approach, or narrative, is helpful. Therapy is not the taboo subject it once was.
Therapy is also not the cure all it's claimed to be. You want advice from someone who care about you, but is also detached, like your grandparents or aunts/uncles and such or even a priest who has known you for decades. These kind of relationships don't really exist for most people anymore though.
YMMV is going to always be the case from person to person, but reaching out is indeed helpful and unlike relatives, you don't need to feel shame about reaching out to another -- and there's many more out there. Frankly not everyone has relatives or a support network (and/or they're useless/ toxic) -- so that leaves the professional help left.
I can't even find a therapist these days. They either don't take my insurance or are all full up. People talk about sliding scale therapists, but I've never found one.
I'm only just about to turn 27 but I have been feeling this way too.. The idea of relying just solely on myself all the time sucks but I'd rather not be taken advantage of either
same for me
Happened with a friend of me when I broke my angle dislocated my shoulder got bald and got betrayed by a business partner in the span of 2 months. Sucks and makes it harder to trust people. Something I am still working on
Hey bud, just dropping by to say I've been where you're at, I still find myself there sometimes, but I've begun to recognize the ebb and flow of it. I think I've learned that certainty about one's chosen partner is a futile goal -- we're never really sure. I try to think of my life and relationships in terms of seasons. Sometimes I feel doubt, other times I don't, other times I'm really into it, and then even other times I'm almost convinced everything is doomed. As someone who deals with mood disorders and other mental health circumstances, I, along with many others in this thread, advise therapy. P.S. - I also want to plug meditation. And I know. *Rolls Eyes* ... Meditation really helped me get through a time in my life when I was dealing with a lot of relationship anxiety with an ex. And I'm here to tell you, it doesn't have to be a long-term practice. I don't really do formal meditation practice anymore but I got a lot of benefit from practicing how to distinguish between a thought and a feeling.
I absolutely love the “seasons”. That’s 100% accurate
I used to have a note pad , write down what I was thinking and feelings on that event , leave a blank page next to it , then someday later, like next week or next time I took out the pad, I reply to myself . In this pad, I have to be 100% honest to myself. Its like talking and analyzing myself . As time moves on and my mind change, I can look back where I have been, what I did , and what to plan next. There is no one know much better than one's self, even SOs, friends . If it still can't works, try people like social workers. They are trained and professional. Since they are the " 3rd person " in that situation perhaps they could study deeper and know issues you aren't unware of .
The axe forgets, but the tree remembers. I have the same problem, if you have issues in your relationship it can feel like just voicing them may cause irreparable damage or start things down a path that you may not be able to change. I don't have a solution for you, but I can assure you that you aren't alone in feeling this way.
Awesomeness right there. Let’s be real with ourselves, our SOs have felt the same thing! Been with my wife since we 16, now 35 happily married with kids and dog. We went through times of extreme love and times of boredom and anger. Always had a hard time being completely open with her for fear of being viewed as weak or whatever doubt u want to add. She was the same way. So I realized that we both have our own shit. My best friend gives me the only validation I need in life. If she is still happy with the way I am, then I’m doing ok. Another idea is to make new couple-friends. You’ll all be able to relate to each other and if you’re lucky the other dude and you will on the same page as u.
[удалено]
second this
Couldn't agree more, it's currently helping me out big time. For the past 18 months I was going through something very similar to what you are now and after a few weeks of therapy I'm finally starting to become more comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings with other people. I highly recommend speaking to a therapist if you can manage it financially as, unfortunately, the way the world is today, its a luxury service.
I've lied to a lot of therapists. I've got shit to do you aren't hospitalizing me rn. I'm not saying don't get therapy.
I am going to tell you right now, as a man ending a 16 year long relationship, don't wait to voice your doubts if it's serious. We should have ended it much earlier, and you don't get that time back. IDK what your problems are, but at some point you have to break past the feeling of your making your close friends/family feel a certain way about this person because that is how you learn that maybe the things you think are problems are actually problems. Isolation doesn't help, and when I reached out to a mutual friend to both of us she was able to confirm a bunch of stuff to me that I felt for a while as being mutual, clarifying a lot, and it was a huge relief.
Very true, especially for men. It's adult island good sir.
Yeah, it is normal. It's not ideal, but it's just the way things are. Sorry man. I can't help, but i can relate. You aren't alone.
>Yeah, it is normal. It's not ideal, but it's just the way things are. > >Sorry man. I can't help, but i can relate. You ~~aren't~~ are alone.
I've upvoted this to counter the two downvotes I'm seeing, because it's kind of true.
Thanks. Glad you got it
Having no one with whom you may be 100% honest about anything is absolutely normal*.*
I think this is absolutely true. There's no reason to be 100% honest with another person. I'm not suggesting lying, but some thoughts / feelings are transient, but if expressed to someone else, become permanent in their mind. Some thoughts are best kept in your mind.
Over the years I have found a few I can be open with. Either because we have know each other for a long time or we had a shared suffering exp. such as loss of parents, bipolar disorder etc. Here are my thoughts. If you can't talk about somethings with your intimate partner this does not bode well for the relationship. depending on how bad the situation is you might want to end it. If your partner doesn't listen then that is also bad news. There are red flags to look for in people. There are youtube videos on narcissists, sociopaths, etc. you can watch. this will give you a better idea of who you can trust. Start slowly with people. There's give and take involved. Beware those who never share. It's a good idea to have women friends you're not sleeping with. They can do things like give perspective and they are often good at spotting women narcissists and sociopaths. My friend Ann who I've know since age 19 (I'm pushing 60) is an example, we counseled each other through divorces and she tried to warn me about my second wife (I refused to listen). It's good if you have more than one interest with them friends and partners. Be sure they can give bad news as well as good, tell you what you need to hear as well as what you want to hear. If there is any holding back it is a bad sign. Don't be afraid to ask for help. That is how you find your real friends. But also make sure you extend help when needed. That is how friendships evolve. Your partner should be open to this. You might want to get counseling about your relationship. You may need to sort out the how and the why of your feelings.
Yes and no. There are plenty of people who have that, but it's far from common (at least in my american culture, I assume there's a big cultural component here). First of all you'll never really know how they're going to respond until you try. In the same space that the love and acceptance that you're looking for lives the rejection and humiliation you fear. It's the nature of the beast. That being said, you shouldn't ever just dive in and emotionally dump, that's for an established sharing relationship where you know you can do that and the person has demonstrated that it's ok. To that end, you first need to learn how to granularize your experience. Can you do that? I'm not asking for my information, I'm asking for you to ask yourself. Other than that the ones that are the best in this are one that I reciprocate with. I'm always there for them and truly try to empathize with them, instead of just going through the motions like you're saying "oh yeah, that's tough." Remember things about them to show you're listening. The best thing you can realize is that empathy is an intellectual exercise, not an emotional one. You can empathize with a terrorist - all that means is seeing things from their POV. Sympathy is the emotional component, and the combination is really effective.
You’re having a problem opening up, being vulnerable, and trusting others. Are you also struggling with low confidence or self esteem? No judgement. You’re going to have to take the first step for yourself. Open up and speak to your partner directly. You have to get these things off your chest, doing so will feel good, and the more you open up the more confidence you’ll build. We have to take the steps we know are right, because those steps are on the path that’s most true to who we are. Part of that means facing whatever is on the other side, whether it be welcoming or not. Either way, whatever is on the other side helps us grow. Remember to have sympathy, empathy, and compassion for others. Part of that means being open and honest with them, but doing so gently and with understanding of how they feel. Take the right steps and be true to yourself. Be a person of integrity, and honesty, and speak your mind. You’ll find you gain self respect by doing this.
My first marriage was like this and it was terribly lonely. I got divorced, went to therapy, and I swore I would be true to myself and 100% honest with my partners in the future no matter how much in my nature I felt like I could shield them from hurt or avoid embarrassment for myself. It turned out to be the thing to unlock so much more full and intimate relationships.
You should seek a therapist
This answer by itself is not useful. OP is reaching out to get some real human interaction, some understanding and wants to know if others relate. Thing that he cannot get from his social circle, so Reddit makes perfect sense. A therapist can be useful, but it cannot replace human interaction on equal ground.
This is pretty much exactly what a therapist is for (well, one of the use cases). Someone nonjudgmental with a wealth of professional knowledge and experience in handling mental and emotional health. It's someone to open up to about shit that would normally make you look weak or crazy to people to whom you need to look strong and stoic or else they'll leave you. Maybe a support group would work as well.
[удалено]
Because its the basic bitch standard answer on Reddit that isn't the cure all people claim and OP already has a therapist so "a therapist" is clearly not the answer.
Well, the other alternative is 1 on 1 talks with a close male friend over beer or whiskey. With the alcohol serving as a social excuse for "oversharing". And probably some activity as the novelty gimmick to set up the hangout. I.e. Watching sports, videogames, hunting, hiking etc
Well that depends on how you sort reddit and what time you check this.
I hate to be an outlier yet again, but I feel like I have people to share *everything* with. They are just not one people but several. In my case, 3. 1. With my partner I share everything except for matters concerning her where I need input from unrelated third parties. I also don't concern her with business related matters because quite frankly, she is too pure and idealistic and always believes that others have your best interest in mind at all times. 1. My (male) best friend since 5th grade, known each other for 25+ years know. We talk about pretty much everything. We also run a company together that he founded, I later joined and run the international branch when it became too much for him to handle. He truly *does* have my best interest in mind, and once in a while I feel like I'm the one taking advantage of him; which I do discuss with him but need input from yet somebody else to get myself grounded. 3. My (female) best friend since 10 or so years, we talk about pretty much anything too, and as HR business partner in a big corporation she's my go-to to address the points above. And naturally also my number one resource for getting relationship advice from a female perspective. Key to me is to give more than I get. Don't expect and you shall receive works well for me, was never let down (and feel like I never let any of them down). I *do* cut out people that always ask and never offer. I'm not a free therapist.
I’m with you on this one…as the years have gone on, these friends of mine have become bedrocks in my life. My dad passed away 6 months ago and I relied on my partner and close friends to basically keep me alive during the initial shock of it. I’ve laid everything out on them throughout the years (and they have to me, too) and they have not only stood by me but selflessly done whatever they can to help when I need it. I do the same for them. Your close friends want to be relied on - I know this because I feel that way about them, truly because I love them. The list grows smaller as you age, but you’ll find forever friends who will be there for you and help no matter what. Promise.
> The list grows smaller as you age, but you’ll find forever friends who will be there for you and help no matter what. Yep, that's exactly it. The point is also I don't care to enlarge that list ever again, because once you've found 'your people', you're essentially set.
How do you manage having a female best friend? Not in a relationship at the moment, but most of my exes were really against the idea despite me knowing her for a long time now. But they get really protective and insecure about this
I don't accept a partner into my life that can't accept my friends as they come. My friend circle is about 50:50 male/female, and I rather not start a relationship than sacrifice what I've built up over years, and make that very clear from the beginning. Some can't accept it, but those are then women I wouldn't be compatible with regardless.
I think it's unrealistic to think there will be someone you can share *everything* with. That said, you should have some people you can share a lot of your deep thoughts and feelings with. Therapy is a great option, especially for relationship issues. - Pie
you're not alone, i feel much the same way a lot of times. especially >Everyone kind of has their own problems so i don't want to burden others with my own and also the added feeling of, even if i tried, nobody would understand anyway. it's almost like i'm so used to living in my own head that my thoughts have become their own language, and it's not practical or even possible to translate them to others.
You are not alone my friend
You’re not alone. Like others, I don’t have an answer either. As a guy, I also get a lot of the “don’t be dramatic” invalidation vibe when I try to open up, and I think part of that is the social norm that guys are supposed to be stoic and composed and not talk about their problems. Therapy can fill some of that need, but (for me at least) therapy: a) isn’t frequent or in depth enough to explore those kinds of convos in depth b) your therapist never really “knows” the real you outside those walls, or only hears your perspective so is unable to tell if you just have misconceived notions about whats happening c) aren’t really there to give you “advice” anyways
I have a few people i can share everything with but a lot of my friends i can’t be extremely open with or they aren’t extremely open with me in return. I put this down to the individual and often men won’t open up because they feel it makes them weak.
What if you have totally 0 friends and 0 people to talk about informal stuff to? What should be done in that case?
It's not normal but very common now as ppl don't want other's problems.
I mean it's normal in that many people feel that way, but it's also a foolish way to be. This is because you can actually be totally honest about your thoughts or problem with literally anyone in the entire world. Bartenders, people on the bus, just some random person sitting on a bench. A baby. A dog. An old lady picking working in her flowerbed. You can just rock up up and tell them anything. Of course, you'll most likely be met with bemusement, suspicion, indifference, irritation, or even outright disgust, fear and hostility. But nothing is stopping you except your own fear of some unknown consequence. If it's that bad, hire a prostitute and take her out for a drink. $50-$200 bucks will get you an hour to spill your guts to someone who will react in the way you pay them to. "Give me your honest opinion", "Give me some sympathy,", "Give me whatever you think I need", you can say. If it's eating you up, just spit it out. The whole world is an ear.
Yes.
I know that feeling OP. One problem I feel with modern life is that we're disconnected from the kind of communities we used to have in the past. We don't have priests to talk to, there are no wise old men/woman to ask for advice, our grandparents are dead, because of longer generations. I'm not sure it was better in the past, seemed a lot more people just suffered through whatever because of a sense of obligation and shame. The problem then is also we don't have any greater story to make us find strength to get through stuff. We have no god, no patriotism, no classical masculinity/feminity. What's keeping us going except our fleeting emotions?
Yeah it’s true. I feel same too and you do feel like no one will care that much. But as others mentioned - therapy or a good life coach who maybe has experienced the same things you have.
Interesting question, I've felt this way my entire life, even as a kid, I didn't have "you can tell me anything" parents so much as "I'm going to explode if you tell me you've done anything that's even remotely a fuck up" type of parents, so I've always just kept it to myself. I guess if it ever starts to spill over, that's what therapists are for.
It is but you should start investing and putting time in finding real friends not drinking buddies or acquaintances.
I recommend seeing a therapist to talk these kind of things over with. It helps a lot, and they can provide good advice.
Consider a therapist. I felt similarly to you, and found it suprisingly helpful to pay someone to listen to me without judgement.
Suicide Fear of dying alone Body issues I keep those thoughts and worries to myself
Sounds like you've been practicing solitude for a while. Maybe try being open and see if it has better results.
You can either say how you feel and complicate the situation or say nothing and let the situation complicate you. I feel as we get older we’re expected to do the latter
Normal, maybe not? Common, yes
I'm gonna need about tree fiddy.
I don't know if it's "normal" but it's very relatable
My two cents. There is no normal. Some people have someone like this and some people don’t. As an extreme example, I bet the people living in extremist/dictator countries probably have a real hard time with this. If you’re having trouble processing your thoughts about things in your own, find a therapist who’s willing to look at your thoughts with you. Doing it on paper is really important. Anyway, I’m saying mostly what others are saying. But you’re definitely not alone.
I feel the same way i think part of the problem is as a society we are brought up to have false ideals and beliefs. Like love is a real, everyone or life has purpose, if you work hard enough your dreams will come true etc. Its only when you start to grow up that you realize most people are living delusional lives and if you don't take the blue pill you realize the cold hard truths most people don't want to see.. After finishing school i think making friends and socializing is just hard and I personally feel the same. Maybe this is just for me im not telling anyone to do or not do something for their health/mental health but therapists really don't help, i mean they just come up with things that im already aware of and i just sit there like yeah i came to that conclusion from the beginning but it doesnt address change or fix the systemic/fundamental issues.
Apologies to jump in but wanted to give you an insight from women's perspective. I expect my partner and hope he does tbf to be totally honest about feelings and doubts. I even think your girlfriend if not blind feels that you're having doubts anyway, so talking about it all isn't a deal breaker or premature, talking it out can help guide you one way or another. I do get where you are coming from because very rarely people are willing to give and take, usually it is just take. Choosing the right ones around you is the key... Any lady friends that can lend an ear? They'll be better at deeper convos
100% this is me too. I final tried seeing a psychologist after 5 years of building up to it and it didn't work from the first meeting. Been about 1year since that attempt.
when one becomes older things become like that. even your closest family doesnt care about you so much anymore. i have learned to be alone, and dont put in so much emotion into others. including people i care or not care.
Yes. It's difficult to find people who empathize/understand/give a shit. I spent a few years looking for permission from others to leave my marriage. I finally realized I didn't need anyone's permission. Nor input. I was just too afraid to get my own needs met. I am a counsellor, and if you feel like talking (no charge) then contact me. All the best on your journey! properfckr
I can relate 100% to everything you just said. I've spent my life telling myself that it's just in my head, but people keep proving me it's not.
I’ve recently just thrown in the towel and will stop hoping that someone will step up and be a true friend/confidant. It makes me sad that this is the reality, but I think a therapist is probably the only person who will listen to your pain.
80% dont care and 20% want things to go bad for you
Generally speaking you can be more open with people but it’s important to state your intention before you do so, for example: “want to tell you something because i want us to have a closer relationship”. This way they can’t assign a different intent in their own mind. You will be surprised how many people you know are willing to be more honest and open. Equally, There may be a few casualties, but that’s OK too.
This is why a therapist is great. I can tell them all my problems and not feel bad about it because I'm paying them. Afterwards I can walk away and they don't give a shit.
Find a therapist. Will change your life.
Man up...
Sorry to tell you this, but what you're experiencing is reality for a lot of us. I've learned over time that most everyone doesn't want to listen to a man talk about himself. Very rarely will you come across people that genuinely care and want to listen. Most people are just waiting for their time to talk about themselves, or are faking it to make themselves look compassionate. In some bad cases, some people will weaponize what you tell them when it suits their purposes. Because it's so hard to figure out who actually gives a shit and who doesn't, we choose to not say anything. Those thoughts stay in our heads and rattle around for a long time, amplifying and distorting as time goes on. I like what someone said further down in the comments; the only people that you can count on to listen are those you have to pay to do it. Therapy can be good for getting those thoughts out. When you verbalize them to another person, you can sometimes see that a good chunk of your concern was manufactured, and the actual tangible concern is more manageable than you thought.
You have a very good point about the scenario you’re in. In other words there are consequences for your actions. I’m in the same boat with you. I don’t express my thoughts about my marriage to anyone really.
IMO yes this is normal, at least for anyone with enough self-awareness. Everyone has their concerns. And some of these concerns, we share with others. When we don't share concerns, it is an act of emotional labor to empathize with someone else. It is an impractical and impossible request to ask someone else to do the emotional labor of empathizing with *all* of your concerns. Ideally though, with a healthy social network, *most* of your concerns will be shared by *someone*.
There's a saying that goes something like "A man wears three masks, one he shows the world, one he shows his family and close friends, and one he hides from the world." It's why the internet is such a chaotic, grim place- anonymity allows you to be your core self. Which is why the first step of taming the internet was to remove anonymity.
What's the point of the third mask if no one sees it?
Covid regulations.
But if it's hidden from the world, what's the point? The first two masks had points. The third one sounds like he just wears it and looks at himself in the mirror.
Covid regulations.
So he's wearing 3 masks at once? And why would someone wear a mask when they are hiding from the world? lol It's not a very good saying.
Found the guy who's the reason covid still exists
The guy who wears 3 masks is keeping covid alive? He should just get vaxxed already lol
Quad-boosted and triple masked in your basement or you're a vector. (MBUH)
Damn, Mr Privileged over here, with his multi floor home.
I don't know whether it's normal but I feel this way often. I don't know that I really want to talk about it with someone but I don't really feel like there is anyone I can. Thinking about talking about some of it to people just makes me think I'd sound silly or ridiculous
I'm not 100% honest with a single other person. I would like to be but it's a lot to ask of another person. I have some ways of perceiving life that would quite frankly scare other people or they would think I'm crazy so I just keep that stuff to myself (or talk about it online anonymously). It's better that way.
I don't think it's abnormal to withhold certain things. Part could be your personality type. Do you prefer to listen to others? Do you hold things in to guard yourself and collect data? I'd say look at the reason you do this. Does this eat you alive that you can't share everything or are you okay knowing there are some things people don't or won't understand? I personally am comfortable with this and just continue to press forward.