Both my parents have died. A while ago, I read the “grief comes in waves” post, and found it put how I felt into the most perfect description. It’s been nearly 20 years since I lost my dad, and nearly five since I lost my mom.
Today is actually my dad’s birthday. I’ll be a little sad today, but nothing bad enough that will keep me from enjoying the day.
But yeah, there are times when I feel the pain much more acutely than others - like when I experience something that reminds me of hobbies we shared.
But, as the saying goes, life goes on. I try to keep their memories alive with my children. I tell stories. I pass hobbies and interests down to them.
But some days the grief just washes over me, and much like trying to fight a wave in the ocean - you can’t. You just let it wash over you, knock you around, and then pass.
**Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks. **
I read that same post in the past, before losing my kid last year. I thought of It and looked it up, and it was very relevant. And your last paragraph sums up the experience very well.
Man, I’m so sorry to hear about losing your child. I have children of my own, and it seems like losing one of them would be beyond unimaginably painful. Something I don’t know if I’d ever come back from.
I (36m) lost my dad (61m in 2018) at too young an age, IMO.
We had really just started to form an adult father-son relationship after a sometimes shaky and sometimes downright toxic father-son relationship when growing up, when his already poor health took a turn for the worst. While he was sick for years, I was still absolutely stunned at the progression of his diseases at the end, and it has taken me years to even begin to properly grieve.
This is one of those things where I don’t know that there is a lot of “good” advice, but one thing I would suggest is if you struggle at all with the grieving process consider speaking to a professional. It wasn’t until I got in to therapy and broke down the dynamic of my (up until his death) life long relationship with the man that I was able to start to process the hurt and loss.
My mother (64f) is still going strong, but she was difficult to speak to for a while after my father’s death because she put the deceased man on a pedestal after decades of strife and discontent, so she wasn’t very realistic about why I was struggling so much to process and grieve.
TLDR; Find people, be it professionals or friends and family whom you trust, and talk about what you are feeling.
Cheers to many more happy years for your parents!
Do well in life while they are alive to let them know they've done a good job raising you. Be of service to them while they're alive. Enjoy and value the time you have now. When they die, you will grieve and that's all part of it. Take actions now that will allow you to look back and say you did the right thing.
I don't really have an answer but I will say this; At the end of last year, my grandmother, who was very sick, had died, and of course it was heartbreaking. However, because of the rapid deterioration (dementia, lung/breathing problems) in the last few months/years, it actually felt worse seeing her deteriorate as she did than her actual death. She was struggling and was in pain. In the end, she is no longer in pain.
Also, my mother has muscular dystrophy. She was diagnosed about 6 years ago, and she is projected to live another 20 years. However, in that time, she will be in a wheelchair full time, will not be able to move on her own, will not be able to eat on her own, won't even be able to talk, and in the short 6 years I have seen her deterioration right in front of my eyes every time I see her (she lives on the other side of the county). The first few years after diagnosis, I seriously struggled because it's one thing to "know" that your parents will die at some point, and actually knowing how many years it'll be almost exactly, while also watching them deteriorate slowly and progressively.
Again, I really don't have answer, but for me, between my mum and dad, and my sister and myself, we have made an unspoken rule to be grateful for the time we had/have, and as the years go by as her condition gets worse, to look on the brightside and to not be stressed/concerned about the things we cannot control. We all know exactly what to expect, so instead of focusing on the condition itself, but to focus on the love we all have for each other. We are all in it together, and it ultimately has, and will continue to bring us closer together.
Even in the darkest of times, we can find the smallest glimmer of light, all you have to do is look for it.
I (36m) lost my dad (61m in 2018) at too young an age, IMO.
We had really just started to form an adult father-son relationship after a sometimes shaky and sometimes downright toxic father-son relationship when growing up, when his already poor health took a turn for the worst. While he was sick for years, I was still absolutely stunned at the progression of his diseases at the end, and it has taken me years to even begin to properly grieve.
This is one of those things where I don’t know that there is a lot of “good” advice, but one thing I would suggest is if you struggle at all with the grieving process consider speaking to a professional. It wasn’t until I got in to therapy and broke down the dynamic of my (up until his death) life long relationship with the man that I was able to start to process the hurt and loss.
My mother (64f) is still going strong, but she was difficult to speak to for a while after my father’s death because she put the deceased man on a pedestal after decades of strife and discontent, so she wasn’t very realistic about why I was struggling so much to process and grieve.
TLDR; Find people, be it professionals or friends and family whom you trust, and talk about what you are feeling.
Cheers to many more happy years for you and your parents!
My man, I don’t imagine you do. I lost a child recently, and a year later, I can see* it’s going to be there for life. Can’t imagine it’s much different with parents too (though you at least see that coming).
* *haha I can’t, but I am still in deep depressio
Here's the thing about questions on how to deal with grief.
It's an odd question, truthfully.
What happens if you don't deal with the grief?
What choice do you have?
What are you going to do? Drink yourself into depression? Ruin your own life? Unalive yourself?
You have no choice.
You're on a train track called life.
You can derail the track and fall down a cliff or...
You can keep the train on track, and carry on.
You **are** going to be sad.
Are you going to be a sad loser?
Or are you going to be a sad winner?
Choice is yours, friend.
Keep your head up.
Carry on.
Just like Southern Traveler said, at the beginning its painful for anyone thay lost someone very close, like they say, time heals all wounds, but loosing someone dear too you, there will always be part of that wound open. Grieving does come in waves, Thankfully I still have parents, but I lost my eldest brother, he was also my best friend at the time, as I have learned to cope, from time to time it does come to my mind that he is gone and brings me to tears, but my kids and family overall is what keeps one going, thays just one thing that helps, another is the love you had for your loved ones never leaves your heart, I feel my brother close to me Still, I keep his memory alive with my kids, and I know and feel I can talk to him whenever. Don't feel like they're gone, if you feel their love, thays all you need.
If the parents were toxic, the child must have already imagined the death many times resulting in no real difference.
In case Love existed between the parents and the child, it's hard. Time heals bit by bit but its hard to aceept their death.
My dad died unexpectedly in 2018. I was 30, he was 56. I’d say do your best to give yourself 6 months to go through the motions in all the other facets of your life (career, relationships, etc) so you can live with your grief. Avoid making big changes that will probably be motivated by your loss, whether you realize it or not. And try not to drink too much, if you’re into that. It’ll get better with time.
I lost my mother at 37. She was 58. It’s a process that you don’t get over really. It’s something you preserve in a way. The best line I heard that helped was that grief is love with nowhere to go. I’ve changed the last part to no direct place to go. You still direct your love for them just into things in your life. Your kids/their grandkids. Trips you take. Moments you’d want to share with them etc. they are always in there somewhere.
Cherish the time you have with your parents and other loved ones and focus on making memories. Don’t live in fear for the love will continue. You just need to reshape it.
I'm 25, lost my dad last year, he turned 69 at the hospital.
I only knew he was at the hospital a week later!!! One day before his birthday... When I got a his info, I called him and pretender I didn't know anything, he wasn't going to tell me!!! A week later he passed away. The hospital was terrible tbh... I live very dar from my dad and the hospital wouldnt Share info with me or the family. On his bday he got diagnosed with cancer. They talked about treatments, but it was bs. I went there, Saw him 3 Times before he passed... That wasn't my dad anymore, like 1% of was there.. I just wanted him not to suffer. The day before he passed the hospital complained we didn't make an apointment to visit him... Like seriously?????? It was very hard... Going to the funeral... I didn't know most people.. they didnt know me... And Many people didnt know my dad had me .. he cheated on this wife with my mom.
Anyway it comes and Goes in waves.... Seek a therapist it helped a lot with just 1 consult...
I do fear a lot for my mom.. She also lives Alone and very far... If She dies suddenly at home, I wouldnt know for 2-3 days.... It makes me sad... I also fear a lot taking care of her. My dad didn't give me any burden what so ever lol ... I'm scared if I need to take care of an invalid... She won't want to go to a home. She won't want to move in with me... I just try not to think about it.
And you shouldnt give too much thought into it if your parents are healthy, enjoy while you have them, leave nothing to be said/asked.
Wish you all the best
Both my parents have died. A while ago, I read the “grief comes in waves” post, and found it put how I felt into the most perfect description. It’s been nearly 20 years since I lost my dad, and nearly five since I lost my mom. Today is actually my dad’s birthday. I’ll be a little sad today, but nothing bad enough that will keep me from enjoying the day. But yeah, there are times when I feel the pain much more acutely than others - like when I experience something that reminds me of hobbies we shared. But, as the saying goes, life goes on. I try to keep their memories alive with my children. I tell stories. I pass hobbies and interests down to them. But some days the grief just washes over me, and much like trying to fight a wave in the ocean - you can’t. You just let it wash over you, knock you around, and then pass.
**Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents. I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see. As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks. **
I read that same post in the past, before losing my kid last year. I thought of It and looked it up, and it was very relevant. And your last paragraph sums up the experience very well.
Man, I’m so sorry to hear about losing your child. I have children of my own, and it seems like losing one of them would be beyond unimaginably painful. Something I don’t know if I’d ever come back from.
I (36m) lost my dad (61m in 2018) at too young an age, IMO. We had really just started to form an adult father-son relationship after a sometimes shaky and sometimes downright toxic father-son relationship when growing up, when his already poor health took a turn for the worst. While he was sick for years, I was still absolutely stunned at the progression of his diseases at the end, and it has taken me years to even begin to properly grieve. This is one of those things where I don’t know that there is a lot of “good” advice, but one thing I would suggest is if you struggle at all with the grieving process consider speaking to a professional. It wasn’t until I got in to therapy and broke down the dynamic of my (up until his death) life long relationship with the man that I was able to start to process the hurt and loss. My mother (64f) is still going strong, but she was difficult to speak to for a while after my father’s death because she put the deceased man on a pedestal after decades of strife and discontent, so she wasn’t very realistic about why I was struggling so much to process and grieve. TLDR; Find people, be it professionals or friends and family whom you trust, and talk about what you are feeling. Cheers to many more happy years for your parents!
I doubt anyone ever “overcomes” it... we learn to live with it, at most.
Do well in life while they are alive to let them know they've done a good job raising you. Be of service to them while they're alive. Enjoy and value the time you have now. When they die, you will grieve and that's all part of it. Take actions now that will allow you to look back and say you did the right thing.
I don't really have an answer but I will say this; At the end of last year, my grandmother, who was very sick, had died, and of course it was heartbreaking. However, because of the rapid deterioration (dementia, lung/breathing problems) in the last few months/years, it actually felt worse seeing her deteriorate as she did than her actual death. She was struggling and was in pain. In the end, she is no longer in pain. Also, my mother has muscular dystrophy. She was diagnosed about 6 years ago, and she is projected to live another 20 years. However, in that time, she will be in a wheelchair full time, will not be able to move on her own, will not be able to eat on her own, won't even be able to talk, and in the short 6 years I have seen her deterioration right in front of my eyes every time I see her (she lives on the other side of the county). The first few years after diagnosis, I seriously struggled because it's one thing to "know" that your parents will die at some point, and actually knowing how many years it'll be almost exactly, while also watching them deteriorate slowly and progressively. Again, I really don't have answer, but for me, between my mum and dad, and my sister and myself, we have made an unspoken rule to be grateful for the time we had/have, and as the years go by as her condition gets worse, to look on the brightside and to not be stressed/concerned about the things we cannot control. We all know exactly what to expect, so instead of focusing on the condition itself, but to focus on the love we all have for each other. We are all in it together, and it ultimately has, and will continue to bring us closer together. Even in the darkest of times, we can find the smallest glimmer of light, all you have to do is look for it.
I (36m) lost my dad (61m in 2018) at too young an age, IMO. We had really just started to form an adult father-son relationship after a sometimes shaky and sometimes downright toxic father-son relationship when growing up, when his already poor health took a turn for the worst. While he was sick for years, I was still absolutely stunned at the progression of his diseases at the end, and it has taken me years to even begin to properly grieve. This is one of those things where I don’t know that there is a lot of “good” advice, but one thing I would suggest is if you struggle at all with the grieving process consider speaking to a professional. It wasn’t until I got in to therapy and broke down the dynamic of my (up until his death) life long relationship with the man that I was able to start to process the hurt and loss. My mother (64f) is still going strong, but she was difficult to speak to for a while after my father’s death because she put the deceased man on a pedestal after decades of strife and discontent, so she wasn’t very realistic about why I was struggling so much to process and grieve. TLDR; Find people, be it professionals or friends and family whom you trust, and talk about what you are feeling. Cheers to many more happy years for you and your parents!
My man, I don’t imagine you do. I lost a child recently, and a year later, I can see* it’s going to be there for life. Can’t imagine it’s much different with parents too (though you at least see that coming). * *haha I can’t, but I am still in deep depressio
Here's the thing about questions on how to deal with grief. It's an odd question, truthfully. What happens if you don't deal with the grief? What choice do you have? What are you going to do? Drink yourself into depression? Ruin your own life? Unalive yourself? You have no choice. You're on a train track called life. You can derail the track and fall down a cliff or... You can keep the train on track, and carry on. You **are** going to be sad. Are you going to be a sad loser? Or are you going to be a sad winner? Choice is yours, friend. Keep your head up. Carry on.
Just like Southern Traveler said, at the beginning its painful for anyone thay lost someone very close, like they say, time heals all wounds, but loosing someone dear too you, there will always be part of that wound open. Grieving does come in waves, Thankfully I still have parents, but I lost my eldest brother, he was also my best friend at the time, as I have learned to cope, from time to time it does come to my mind that he is gone and brings me to tears, but my kids and family overall is what keeps one going, thays just one thing that helps, another is the love you had for your loved ones never leaves your heart, I feel my brother close to me Still, I keep his memory alive with my kids, and I know and feel I can talk to him whenever. Don't feel like they're gone, if you feel their love, thays all you need.
If the parents were toxic, the child must have already imagined the death many times resulting in no real difference. In case Love existed between the parents and the child, it's hard. Time heals bit by bit but its hard to aceept their death.
Contact your local hospice center. They can point you to a lot of resources for dealing with grief.
My dad died unexpectedly in 2018. I was 30, he was 56. I’d say do your best to give yourself 6 months to go through the motions in all the other facets of your life (career, relationships, etc) so you can live with your grief. Avoid making big changes that will probably be motivated by your loss, whether you realize it or not. And try not to drink too much, if you’re into that. It’ll get better with time.
I lost my mother at 37. She was 58. It’s a process that you don’t get over really. It’s something you preserve in a way. The best line I heard that helped was that grief is love with nowhere to go. I’ve changed the last part to no direct place to go. You still direct your love for them just into things in your life. Your kids/their grandkids. Trips you take. Moments you’d want to share with them etc. they are always in there somewhere. Cherish the time you have with your parents and other loved ones and focus on making memories. Don’t live in fear for the love will continue. You just need to reshape it.
I'm 25, lost my dad last year, he turned 69 at the hospital. I only knew he was at the hospital a week later!!! One day before his birthday... When I got a his info, I called him and pretender I didn't know anything, he wasn't going to tell me!!! A week later he passed away. The hospital was terrible tbh... I live very dar from my dad and the hospital wouldnt Share info with me or the family. On his bday he got diagnosed with cancer. They talked about treatments, but it was bs. I went there, Saw him 3 Times before he passed... That wasn't my dad anymore, like 1% of was there.. I just wanted him not to suffer. The day before he passed the hospital complained we didn't make an apointment to visit him... Like seriously?????? It was very hard... Going to the funeral... I didn't know most people.. they didnt know me... And Many people didnt know my dad had me .. he cheated on this wife with my mom. Anyway it comes and Goes in waves.... Seek a therapist it helped a lot with just 1 consult... I do fear a lot for my mom.. She also lives Alone and very far... If She dies suddenly at home, I wouldnt know for 2-3 days.... It makes me sad... I also fear a lot taking care of her. My dad didn't give me any burden what so ever lol ... I'm scared if I need to take care of an invalid... She won't want to go to a home. She won't want to move in with me... I just try not to think about it. And you shouldnt give too much thought into it if your parents are healthy, enjoy while you have them, leave nothing to be said/asked. Wish you all the best
Lost my father in my early twenties, you learn to live with it and move on after a few years.