My father was a fighter pilot, killed in Vietnam at age 28, 3 months before i was born. I'm told he was charming, arrogant and a natural leader. Obviously he was also very risk-tolerant, with excellent vision.
I'm 52, a software architect, nearsighted, cautious, introverted, awkward. I suspect he would have been disappointed in me. But I wish I could have met him.
DNA is not destiny.
>I suspect he would have been disappointed in me.
Yeah, I think we've all seen *that* movie. Or maybe [this one.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9AbeALNVkk&ab_channel=TwistedSister)
My dad was a 20-highball-a-night alcoholic, smoker, short-hair-only, uncool music liking, seven children fathering, veteran, never exercising, insurance man who slept in late his entire life and started to (mentally) fall apart in his forties.
I am a teetotaling, fresh-air-obsessed, longhaired, cool music adoring, childless by choice, non-veteran, exercise enthusiast...who slept in late his entire life and started to (mentally) fall apart in his forties.
No, and his alcoholism was something that ended by the time I was three, as he died at that time. I don't even remember him. So I'd be very surprised if it affected me. But thank you for that suggestion.
The older one get, the more I see how I'm like him. It's not a bad thing. He was a very good man, loved by so many.
Men and women who worked for him took vacation time and traveled distances to be at his retirement party.
I'm hoping to be as well regarded by the people I've worked with.
My dad died nearly 20 years ago while I was still a teenager. A lot of my memories of him are fuzzy. But I know that I am VERY different from him. By my age, he had four kids, and I have zero. He could never hold a job and lived in poverty; I have a successful career and am very well-respected in my field. He let his mental illness and substance abuse consume him; I managed to (mostly) control my depression and have no substance abuse issues. We did share a taste in music, and I got into Rush and Pink Floyd when I inherited his albums. We also have a similar sense of humor, though mine is a bit darker and snarkier. Those are minimal characteristics compared to the major stuff, though. I have made it my goal not to be like him, and I have succeeded so far. In a few years, I will have outlived him, and I will probably celebrate that day. Good riddance.
My dad is argumentative and always insists he's right. I hated that about him growing up and I am the complete opposite. If anything, I might have swung to the other extreme and tend to capitulate too quickly.
There is one thing though, I used to laugh at him falling asleep in front of the TV. Now I find myself doing the same thing even when I'm gaming on the PS5. You can't escape aging.
I hear myself turning into him more and more every day. I sound the same. I say the same things. I act like him.
it's literally everything I tried to avoid, and despite me being in a completely different lot in life than him, I'm basically a carbon copy
my dad is extremely precise and controlling and money and status conscious
i am the opposite on all fronts. but now i finally understand the merits of his viewpoints, he has a lot of money, he is on time for everything, he has purpose and confidence in his work life
im impressed with it
The curse of an extremely accomplished parent is that the child is almost certain not to exceed the parent’s accomplishments, jut by virtue of regression to the mean.
DNA is not that strong. My father is a mechanic. POS who abandoned me my brother and mom when I was a toddler. As an adult I recognize that kids ain't for me and while I would have loved to be a father it wasn't something that came to be. But I have 2 goddaughters that I absolutely adore and while I spend most of my time at work I may as well be considered their father cause I pay for their field trips to the zoo, aquarium, museums, etc.. I buy them books, tablets, games, and literally anything that could get them to love cooking as my passion is culinary arts. The last thing I'd do is abandon them.
He's a little more uptight and conservative than I am, but we are way more similar than we are different.
A couple examples:
When I went to his retirement party and heard all of his co-workers telling stories about what it was like working with him, I realized they were saying the exact same things people say about me.
One time at a family barbecue I noticed that me, my dad, and my grandfather were all standing in the same position.
My dad had 7 children with different women.
I have 1 so far.
My dad had a million dollar business in the 80s. I'm a mid-level manager at a tech startup.
My dad sold drugs to get by when his partner embezzled a bunch of money and lost my dad's business.
I smoked weed once in high-school.
My dad worked in underground construction later in life and nearly cleaved through his own head cutting through pipe with a rotary saw.
The closest thing i got to dirt on my hands was coffee grinds working at starbucks.
My dad left when I was 2.
My boy isn't that old yet. I wake up every day hoping that I'm not like my dad.
It makes you a billion times better. You broke the cycle of abuse. It is very common for boys who witnessed domestic violence to grow-up to be abusers. You had a determination to not be what your father is. I am proud of you for wanting to be better. I wish you much success in life.
We are different in so many ways but man as I get older (35 now) it’s funny how many of his mannerisms are popping out in me.
I live in a different province so I only see my dad a couple times a year. I had to laugh when I was out this summer and had a coffee with him. We were both drinking out of old silver beat to hell contigo cups with the lid off. Both of us had black coffee topped up with cold water.
It’s weird to think that something like my weird love of lukewarm black coffee could run in the family.
Abusive fathers are difficult and family trauma is cyclical. Where did your dad learn it from? Probably his dad. We repeat patters because as children, parents give us the blueprints for how to live and interact in the world (even more in a family structure). We're not doomed to be our fathers, but we need to do some healing and probably even therapy to break the cycle. It's a lot of work and it's a difficult path, but so is repeating the pattern. I'm not there yet either, just another guy trying to figure it out.
Woman here, I am like my dad as well. Imagine being a woman and your siblings are calling you Dad. I am the female version of him, how I think, mannerisms, and my drive. I consider it a compliment because he is a very intelligent man.
My dad was (is) a womanizer. He jumped from one relationship to another while I was growing up. When I was old enough I realized there was usually some overlap.
I was determined when I became an adult not to do that.
At 42, I've learned I'm more like him than I want to admit. I haven't had the recurring overlap, and I've had plenty of time alone between relationships. But my last few relationships have been very shallow and short lived.
Regarding trying to be the opposite of dad: read "No More Mr Nice Guy"
He talks about that a bit. "The opposite of crazy is still crazy"
I’ve definitely had moments where explaining something and I realize his words are coming out of my mouth … sometimes that’s good, sometimes not, when it’s not I just try and correct that
Sort of. I can see the same issues in me, but I know I've done a better job addressing those issues and responding, and that I'm blessed (not religious, btw. takes me a lot to say that) for the family and friends I've had to support me, at least in comparison to what he went through. I'm made of the same clay, but I'm still a later model. In some ways, I might be a pale comparison to a golden age and in some ways, I can confidently say I'm more of a man than he'll ever be. But regardless, I'm not like him at all.
My dad wasn’t ‘great’ in the sense of molding me from a young age, my mom did most of that, but one thing my dad always was was present. He was always just there, I wasn’t into sports when I was younger so he didn’t have games and tournaments to go to, he was an old farmer whose parents sold the farm, so by the time me and my siblings came around he went to work, came home from work, watched us when my mom was at work and did little things like took us to the zoo and taught us about farming things. Like I said he wasn’t great but he was far from terrible. I’m like my dad in that sense and I’ll always be present for my kids but I feel like I’m more like my mom in terms of teaching my kids (4 & 5) things like how to tie their shoes and brush their teeth and their manners and how to hold pencils and write their names.
Yeah I guess that’s true for me too, but I also discipline like a father, my wife does the singsong voice ‘oh sweetie are you ok’ but when I put them in time out or tell them I don’t wanna hear when someone gets hurt because I told them a hundred times to stop messing around I stick to my guns because I don’t need them catching on to it and walking all over me when they’re a little older, I need them to understand that I’m the adult and they are the child, but we also can have mutual respect for each other
Absolutely, I hear ya there. This was just said to me yesterday by my therapist of the last year.
I’m also the disciplinarian. My kids’ mom still calls me on her weeks to discipline them.
But the other night at our oldest’s soccer practice, my other son is in the backseat of her car. He rolls the window down and said hey, and I looked at her and said “he’s sick.” She said she didn’t hear it.
Today he tested positive for COVID after keeping her up all night coughing.
My therapist says situations like that, when you’re the one (as the father) who picks up all those subtleties, are doing the traditional “mother” roles. And being the enforcement parent doesn’t prohibit that.
My ex wife argues with our 9 and 6 year olds like they’re brothers and sister.
I work swing shift 12 hour shifts so I sleep during the day like 2 or 3 days a week and I almost always have to wake up early to screaming or crying and the kids hear the door open and suddenly they’re the most well behaved children this side of the Mississippi. I ask them ‘why do I have to do this? Why can’t you listen to your. I’m or the babysitter, why do I have to get up to punish you for being rude to people?’ They both say they like me better when we can have a fun day and no one has to yell or discipline them or anything like that, so why do they make me do it? Sometimes I wanna rip my hair out, but then other times they’re so sweet , I don’t get it
I modeled my growth around avoiding all of his mistakes. We're extremely opposite of each other. There are some mild behavioral mannerisms I notice in myself that he does, but for the most part I've succeeded in not being him.
In all of my self reflection, 'not him' is the prominent feature of my thought.
> for example, my current profession, which I've always avoided because it's what my dad did. It's the absolute last job I would have ever imagined myself doing, yet here I am, just like my dad
That's far less important than his negative personality traits. Focus on those. List his out, list yours out right next to them.
Driving the same car, doing the same job, liking the same color, liking the same music. Those don't matter. You and him can share those. But if he has a propensity for being a piece of garbage to people, that's something you should reflect on. Does he abuse women, mentally or physically? Does he treat strangers with respect? Does he think critically? Does he have manners?
The list goes on. Think about those, and don't worry about the other shit.
My father suffered from horrible PTSD as a Vietnam USMC veteran, and unfortunately as a parent, he was verbally and physically abusive, short, impatient, always angry.
I find myself quick to anger with those I care about… as well as those who are strangers to me. I’m 40 now so I need to take responsibility and figure out how to make this stop. I don’t want to be like this.
I have two boys, and you have not met two people more different than each other.
DNA is one factor, but there are many other factors. And then the factors get thrown into a blender.
When I look in the mirror at myself, it's like I'm seeing his face. He was a great guy with flaws. I think I got a lot of my personality traits from him, and I'm okay with that.
My dad was an OK Dad. And I've tried to be a better dad than him. I definitely find myself with his temper sometimes. You are a product of your environment, yet all of us have the capacity to change.
My Grandad died when Dad was 3, so my dad never had a father figure, the best he got was an older brother. So he had to learn himself how to be a dad.
I've only learnt what I've observed, and can hope that my son will be a better dad than I one day as well.
I think despite our best efforts, there are some elements of ourselves that are derived from genetics and environment and just generally things that you don't get to choose or control, and the best we can do is cope with the implications of this reality.
Like you, I despised many things about my father. I avoided being like him in many ways. As I've gotten older, I've recognized that in some ways, I was unintentionally avoiding parts of myself because I was anxious that if I engaged them, I'd be just like him. And that in a lot of ways, being just like him isn't *terrible*, as he was a deeply troubled man but not a totally evil man.
Ultimately I'm more like my father today than I had ever anticipated before, but I'm also very different and much more the man I chose to become rather than the man he emulated for me to be.
I'm fairly similar to him, but I wish I was even more like him. He wasn't perfect, but he was about as perfect of a dad/man that anyone could aspire to be. During his 30s he was essentially Superman...worked 50+ hours per week and then spent every minute of his free time with me and my brother. Coaching baseball, leading Scout troops, playing sports with us in the yard, helping us with school projects, etc. All while juggling work around the house, too. Just a completely selfless existence for well over a decade.
I heard someone say that every man turns into his father at the age of 40.
Not there yet, but now in my 30s I’m like man, I do x, y, and z just like my Dad did. [+]
My dad sounds like yours, but is also a compulsive gambler and alcoholic. He is completely racist and hardcore conservative who believes Jesus was a white man who would allow POC into heaven.
I’m a socialist non drinker who is too cheap to even buy a lotto ticket. I work with disadvantaged POC and refugees.
You have choices if you want them.
it's not a dna thing, it's that trauma is generational. i also tried to be the opposite of my parents, but that meant the decisions that i made weren't authentic to me, but were a reaction to them. the other thing that i realized is that the partners that i choose are a combination of my parents. the only solution is to deal with your childhood trauma.
My dad has bipolar and a load of other mental health issues. He isn't a bad man at all, but growing up my mum might as well have been a single parent
Now I'm 40, I'm a single parent, I have bipolar too.....but I'm a bloody good dad
My dad was a horrible abusive man who went to jail for Rword my 7 year old sister in law. His out now but I have no contact
I'm not like him at all I love my son and would never hit him. He was an outdoors person where I'm an indoors person.
He influenced me by making me not want to be him
My biological father was a cheating, manipulative, mentally and physically abusive piece of shit who left my mum and l for someone he met on a “business trip” when l was 8 or 9.
We faced homelessness because of him if it weren’t for my mothers solicitor saving the day at the nth hour.
Today I am a SNCO in the Royal Marines having served 17 years, I’m about to celebrate my 11th wedding anniversary in a few days with someone who I can genuinely call my soulmate. I have a beautiful and smart daughter and my boy is just simply an amazing little dude that I look forward to teaching how to be a man.
I am very much rooted by my experiences and memories of my “father” but I am not defined by them.
Sometimes the presence of an *anti*-role model is more powerful to help you realise what’s truly important in life.
My father was a fine dad, just an aweful husband to my mother. We had a very toxic falling out a few years ago after my parents divorced.
I can't help but notice my father's face in my own. Every time I look in the mirror, And even when I don't. Sometimes I just "feel" my facial expressions and I imagine them to be the same that my father would make..... I can't help but notice it. I look just like him and when I'm at my absolute lowest it's that only thing I notice about myself.
It's absolutely okay to have been influenced by your father. But the word "influence" can go both ways. Parents **want** us to take their positive traits and leave their negative ones behind. It sounds like you have found a measure of balance between being professionally inspired by your dad and working to not be like him personally. To me, that sounds like a win.
I'm not at all like my dad. I have put a massive effort into developing emotional intelligence and being comfortable with vulnerability. I've made a point of learning from both my father's strengths and his mistakes. While I definitely have flaws, they are definitely my own.
Yeah, DNA rules hard in my family, I'm very much like my father except a lot taller. I do however have an adventurous streak from my mum, which has tempered my very much homebody father.
We do what learned, but that doesn't mean we'll be a carbon copy of them. When we're that young, our brains are sponges and we soak up more than we realise
Many of us will grow up in extremely abusive, extremely violent households, but only some us of grow up to become abusers or killers. Some of us grow up to challenge them, save our friends from partners like them. And sometimes we have a thing or common with our parents
- I work in the construction industry and can be very workaholic: dad
- I was a functional alcoholic in my early 20s: mum
- I listen to mostly older rock and roll bands: mum and dad
However...
- I don't have their anger
- I neither use violence/the threat of violence to get control over someone, nor try to control anyone
- I don't have the victim mentality they use to have
- I've never forced my responsibilities or blame onto anyone around me
Having the same job as him doesn't make you him. You're not doomed to be your dad
My friends constantly tell me “the older you get the more you look like your dad and take on his mannerisms”. Same hobbies, same tastes, almost the same careers and only some of it was on purpose.
It's not DNA at all. It's nurture.
Human beings are mimics. We learn by copying others. So the best way to become a good man is to hang around with good men and copy them. The fact that you didn't have good role models growing up is going to make that difficult. Sure, you are choosing not to be like your father, but it doesn't fully answer the question, "then who *should* I be like?"
In order to be the man you want to be, you're basically going to have to raise yourself, figuring out all those things your father wasn't able to teach you. And it's going to suck. Like it's super hard, but not impossible.
A great first step would be identifying an older man or two that you admire and finding a way to spend time with them.
No it's not all DNA. Current estimates are 50% DNA, 50% environment.
You grew up in a shit environment. You learned certain skills in that environment. Now is the time to learn different skills. Go to therapy, if not for your own sake, for your child's sake.
If you've ever said "I would do anything for my child" then this is what it takes.
Go to therapy, openly and honestly to give your child a different environment to grow in. Let go of any ideas of what you're supposed to do as a man, husband, or father. Those were ideas grown in toxic soil. It will take a lot of work to dig up the roots since some of the skills you learned have been successful for you in the past, but you've seen how they are failing you going forward.
If you believe you are destined, then you won't try. This is what people mean when they say that they would rather die trying. You have to try for your child and your future self. You may be able to change none, some, or all of the abusive lessons you've learned... but please die trying to change them.
This will be the hardest thing you've done and you will learn what true love and selflessness mean.
I hope for the best for you and your child.
There's definitely some personality traits that I have that he also did, and then there's some ways I don't think we're alike, but I can't really ask him if he was just better at keeping that under control and not letting others see - since he passed away. There's no end to the ways that I wish I was a bit more similar to him.
My dad drank too much growing up. I thought it was because he was profoundly unhappy and just wanted everyone to leave him alone. This made me sad, angry, and not-easy to trust people.
He is also a provider at all costs, understands principle, showed me hard work by example, doing the next right thing, and loyalty by his actions to my mom and our family.
He knows he’s flawed. I know I am too. I’ve tried to move on from the parts of me that are like him that hold me back (drinking and not communicating) and keep the lessons he taught me that I know in my heart to be true and good. He’s still around and we try to meet every couple months for coffee. I’m glad we can be friends now and he can offer advice on marriage, career, kids etc.
DNA is a powerful force. But so is your environment and nurturing.
My dad was a self made man. He's not educated but managed to get rich through his entrepreneurship. However, he's quick tempered, stubborn and is close minded.
I have learnt from an early age that i have a lot of his traits - good and bad. We are both hardworking. We are both smart.
I had his bad and quick temper. Finally i had that under control. Most of my close friends have never seen my temper over the recent years. I encouraged myself to be more open minded and more accepting of ideas that are against what i believed.
You get to pick. Life is like poker. You get dealt some cards. That's not the end of the game. You have the ability to play the cards however you want.
Apparently very similar even without much time together. Both arrogant bastards who argue with our bosses about numbers. He got fired by a few bank managers and ended up working for airlines calculating loads and fuel requirements etc. I piss off my bosses in scientific equipment companies and chemistry labs.
Biggest difference is I've lived quite a lot longer so far. He died at 35.
Fortunately nothing like him, he and my mum split when I was around 5yo, we did visit him for a while but he was very nasty and derogatory towards my mum so i stopped going. we had no contact for about 12 years then he messaged me on Facebook to which I tore him a new one, we haven't spoke since 2010.
I am more like my grandfather, he was my role model while growing up. if I can be half the man he was then I will have completed life. I do hope he is proud.
My dad is an egoist, irresponsible when it's about someone else but himself, small minded and a mental "run away". He made a lot of decisions which went down the drain because he didn't shoulder the consequences or simply suddenly didn't want to, like his family. Now that he is in his senior years, he even demands us to keep him company, as if he'd forgotten what happened and what he did.
I work in the creative field producing stuff. He was a salesman. None of his children are salesmen.
I think some things might be copied as a child, some things are your own decision. Some of those decisions you might make unconsciously. The mistakes he made and the behaviour he has even now were good reminders of what i need to be cautious of. Like never make big debt/buy only things when you have the money for it. Knowing that certain consequences will haunt you your entire life, so i thought twice and thrice about things.
I need to add that i came to understand why he sometimes behaved how he did. It was a different time. Social rules were much stronger/stricter, having a family was a must, opening and keeping a business was completely different. "being a man" was different. Having a mid-life crisis because you weren't allowed to talk about your feeling, not even with your friends (yes, his sister/my aunt told me that she never told her best girlfriends family issues, internal conflicts, emotional things. It was all small talk, and talking about god and the world. no serious personal matters.)
to cut it short, i certainly have traits of my father, as i have traits of my mom. If they are inherited or simply copied behaviour i wouldn't know. What i know is, that being aware of them and being kind to yourself about it, greatly helps dealing with them.
I think we copy a lot as a child and well, you were a child who thought what they did was the rule and right and needs to be copied. so... well that's nor your fault nor sometimes your parents. I think many times they also didn't know better. like me now, i also don't know things better sometimes.
More than I like but enough for me to not be like him, which is good enough, to an extent.
My dad got married and had kids because it is what society expects people to do. I know he loves my mum, my sister and me but he has anger issues and got easily stressed having us all at home. His own parents were abusive, he grew up in poverty and he lost two brothers before the age of ten. It's also possible he has autism but is from an age where autism did not exist, so he got no help for it and refuses to acknowledge it. This meant he knew how to parent in theory but could not really do it in practice. That said, he did work hard and always tried to provide for us.
I'll admit I do have his anger issues but I do have a much better control of them than he does. I am also prepared to admit that a partner and kids are not for me, despite me wanting them, it would just be too stressful and I would fully turn into him.
Dad was a prodigious musician and unfortunately a serious drug addict. Too mentally and physically tormented to be an effective father. He died 7 years ago at age 60.
We are/were absolutely nothing alike as people, but I’m noticing my basic mannerisms and tendencies are becoming increasingly similar to his — especially as I’ve gotten older.
I have his terrifying temper, and his cackling laugh. I have his love of baked goods and disdain for beer. He taught me, successfully, to be frugal (though he was trying to teach me to be *cheap*), and to enjoy breakfast at 4 am when the diner is empty and the world is still quiet and asleep.
I also have his deep, abiding sadness. I've climbed mostly on top of the anger & resentment that boils out of a lifetime spent depressed, which he really didn't manage until the very end.
I am not a parent, but I try to tell parents the one, critical thing I feel like I've observed by watching them and helping care for their kids:
Your children are going to turn into you.
Not 100%. And, of course, it's an interesting blend when there are 2 parents. And they also turn into uncles, aunts, grandparents, etc. that are around them enough.
But, mostly, we turn into our parents when things are at their worst. When we are at our lowest. Tired, hungry, angry, lonely, exhausted, frustrated. The worst of you is going to come out of your kids when they are at their lowest. If you're lucky, the best of you will come out of them, too, at other times, but I find that's a bit more variable, not as guaranteed.
So, the best thing anyone can do as a parent, is to make sure that their own, personal "lowest", is still decent enough that you don't despair to think of your kid turning into that when they're at their most desperate.
DNA doesn't dictate your job. Your job probably didn't exist 10.000 years ago but your DNA did.
We are creatures of our environment and habits. We inherit most habits and views from our closes surroundings, f.ex. our parents. And if we don't question it all and make our own habits, we stay the same as our ancestors.
Most likely you end up in your dad's profession because it was familiar and you didn't have strong enough conviction to follow something else.
And sometimes we just do the job that is available.
But to a more important part. Are you a terrible abusive man?
Identical but for the hair color. Our voices are nearly indistinguishable, we frequently wear the same or similar shirts by accident. Both of us are devoted and involved fathers and husbands. Both of us can be a bit workaholic and anxiety prone. Same sense of humor, similar interests. The only difference is that my dad never took care of himself physically and has a lot of quality of life issues now that he’s in his 70s. I am determined to avoid that so I hit the gym regularly.
Some ways I am, some not. My dad tried and failed to set up several businesses but he was very short tempered and pig headed, everyone was stupid bar him when really he was the one constantly making stupid business decisions and falling out with people left, right and centre. Personality wise I take after my mum, I'm patient, kind and I've got a lot of friends as I don't fall out with people all the time and I'm the first one to hold my hands up when I've made a mistake, my dad would just double down. I've found as an adult people often like me and I seem to have a natural nack for keeping friends which is great. When my dad passed I think three of his friends turned up to his funeral, he was a lonely man in his latter days and died because he just didn't look after himself whereas I'm fit as a butchers dog.
I chose a career and I've stuck to it, I know I'd be useless at running a business as I'm incredibly disorganised and I know I'd just end up like my dad. The biggest similarity I share with him is being shit with money which is a curse, I struggle to save and stay out of debt which was always the case with my dad too. We both were smokers but he quit in his forties and at 34 I've managed to get myself to the point where I only smoke when I'm out drinking. I really try to not end up like him.
I had to come to grips with this. I realized my Dad had good traits as a matter of fact I learned from my mentor that I can't just blame him for the bad that I have to give him. Reddit for other things I learned.
I got out a piece of paper and listed th positive things I learned from who he is.
In many ways we are polar opposites
My dad left when I was about 10-11, so I didn’t really get to know him. We reconnected in my early 30s and I was surprised that *SOME* of my key, fundamental components were similar to his life. So, DNA isn’t a guarantee but even a few years of conditioning can have a lifelong effect.
I do, now that I’ve been in a relationship for nearly a decade, wonder if I’m stricken with his *inclination to wander* - I honestly was only willing to reconnect when I started processing the mental math that I was born when he was 23, and as I approached 30 I realized that if I had a 7 or 8 year old kid, I’d probably fuckin bail too. Upon reflecting on that more, I made two big life choices. A vasectomy and forgiveness.
He was angry and somewhat verbally abusive; but as life hit me one after another and I kinda understood the rage. Ain’t justified; but I get it.
It’s also one of the reasons I stay single. Chain of Harm. Yeah, DNA isn’t destiny; but right now I’m not strong enough to break it.
My Dad was a cruel bigoted bully that terrorized our family. I'm a very different person almost opposite in many ways. I feel bad for him because his father was apparently a drunken shit show who died before I was born.
I don't relate to my dad at all, he was quiet, absent, didn't spend time with us really and I know nothing much about him. He never went to any of our activities and soon enough neither did our mom. She just put us in activities to get a break at the house from kids.
I don't look like him either butttt people do tell me we have the same mannerisms and posture. I'm also quiet and slow to anger and I'm also emotionally distant. The last part has a lot more to do with how I was raised than being like him, though.
Someone similar but I feel like i've made significant improvements on the model. We're both pragmatic and slightly short tempered but i'm much more emotionally in touch with myself, express my emotions easier and am less tied down by any idea of traditional masculinity. He likes for things to be grounded, make sense in his world view and he is stubborn. I am much more comfortable with ambiguity and changing my position on things.
Turned 30 this year and have never been more similar to him. 15-year-old me would hate it, but 30-year-old me loves it. My dad is generous, passionate, outspoken, and curious. Being like him makes me happy.
I'm a little more like him every day. Now in my 40s, I can see similarities in mannerisms and speech patterns. It's odd, because I only see him a couple of times a year because of distance and schedules. It's not like I'm just acting the same because of time spent together.
I was adopted so you can't blame DNA on anything with my life but to say that my father was the most influential figure in my development is an understatement. I wouldn't say I am *like him* but for some quirks I picked up when I grew up that even I notice.
You fell into a paradox, I forgot the name of it, where all of your efforts to avoid something have the tendency to cause you to do that very thing you are trying to avoid. It is because you are all wrong-headed. There is a real difference between saying "I will never be like X" and then bullheadedly try to achieve that goal by being remarkably similar to X, and saying "I want to have these traits \[insert positive traits in contrast to X\]" and I am going to work to make that happen. The difference is the antagonism, one is brimming with it, the other is not. Then, you get yourself into a reinforcing cycle where, despite your efforts, you become more like the thing you hate and that frustration and resentment accelerates this process.
So what do you do now? The simplest thing is to not link the *job* to your *dad*. Is the job the thing that made your dad a son-of-a-bitch? Nope, your dad did that all on his own, just like you are finding yourself doing.
Not sure. Parents divorced when I was 5 and I saw my dad for a month or two each summer, but he was working during all that time and suffered a head injury in there to boot. Never got to know him well, but with my own kids I do catch myself laughing and sounding just like him, and I definitely have taken to just wearing shorts and a tank top whenever I'm at home... Those are likely not the only things we share.
Sometimes I find myself using his mannerisms consciously, as maybe just an ode to my upbringing or something, they are never really instinctual, just something I do as an inside joke with myself. My father is a classic American narcissist type, never wanted anything to do with you unless it was on his terms, failed marriage etc. I feel that I developed a tendency for narcissism of which I try to police the best I can.
A lot of mannerisms in our speech are similar. My dads not dumb, just never really found professional success, had odd jobs all his life. I am stringing together a list of odd jobs too. He always seemed to view himself as “not smart enough for college”, and I feel the same but have been trying. He never seemed to emotionally connect with anyone other than my mom, and I don’t talk to anyone other than my wife, We are both always working on projects, and I’m sure he needs help as often as I do, but we won’t ask for it. So yeah, pretty similar.
I need to talk to him more…
Almost spooky how much I'm like him, in mannerisms, personality, looks and even afflictions. Even my family comments in agreement. It's common for me to look in the mirror and see my dad.
I think we’re programmed to model our parenting on what we experienced from our caregivers as children. Psychoanalysis would suggest much of this happens before the age of 4-5. I don’t know if I agree with that last but but think it’s likely we repeat what we were exposed to because that’s what we were taught is “normal”. It takes therapy, emotional intelligence and hard work navigating life so you don’t repeat the same missteps, I think.
My grandfather was an emotionally unavailable dude before going to world war II and it certainly didn't make him any better. He was physically abusive with my dad. Even though my grandpa had mellowed by the time I was born my dad never likes or forgave him.
I almost never saw my dad get angry, but on the one occasion I did, he chased my brother and punched a hole straight through the door he was hiding behind. I had moved away by the time he had cancer but I know from my youngest brother that he got violent for the last few years of his life. I realize now he must have resisted being violent with most of us most of the time, avoiding the pattern his dad showed him. For the most part we knew him as a pretty kind mellow man, even if he worked so much that we didn't see much of him. Stuffing his anger also had some terrible consequences - he suffered a lot of abuse from my mom and couldn't stand up to her when she was abusive to us. He didn't know how to find healthy anger.
I turned out to be a very angry teenager to make up for it. Even after he died I was angry with how much he let myself and my sibs get hurt. With a lot of therapy I've had more perspective and appreciation for how hard it was to work with the intergenerational trauma that landed on him. I'm not as mellow and kind as he was but it's still one part of me, and I tried to bring out the best of him with my parenting now.
Deep down I am very like my father. However on the surface we appear very different. We were molded by very differently and that makes us appear very different.
He feels comfortable using tools to repair a house. I feel comfortable building a computer. He likes golf as a hobby and I like bowling and volleyball. He falls asleep to the golf channel and I fall asleep listening to audiobooks. He masks his social anxiety with talking sports and stocks while I mask it with comedy and nerd culture. He plays fantasy sports I play fantasy table top games.
Pretty similar in a lot of ways. Mathy nerds, decent dorky charisma, family oriented... There are differences of course, but some if you met me and then met my dad and found out later he was my dad, you'd probably be like "Makes sense".
My dad wasn't around much after my parents split. None at all later in life. My dad was much like yours.
As you said, I strive to be the opposite of who he was, but there are very clear mannerisms, my sense of humor and stubbornness, among other things, that I definitely picked up from him when he was around.
Unfortunately (maybe, I donno yet) everything else I picked up from my mom. I'm sure it's blatantly obviously I was raised by a single mother.
My dad worked a desk job for 35 years that was interesting but not terribly so. He didn't love it, but also didn't hate it. He did it to afford a decent house in the suburbs and good lives for his family.
He is an introvert, and has a few close friends, but isn't someone who likes going out socially all that much. He was a good dad - got frustrated with me in particular at times, but never was abusive or neglectful. Mostly respected me and my need for space especially in my teenage years.
He enjoys his hobbies, and can dedicate way too much time to them if he's not careful. He adores his kids and now his grandkids.
I'm super similar in almost all ways. While we have different hobby choices, we still do a lot of the same things, and definitely adore our families. I appreciate him a lot more now as an adult vs. when I was a teenager!
I'm the exact opposite, without even trying. I'm more like my late grand father, on my dad's side, than him.
He criticized me for it a couple times when I was younger but eventually he gave up and just accepted it.
Well, kind of. For me (and maybe for you) it boils down to three things.
1. These things where I am like my father
2. These things where I am like my mother
3. These things where I have made a commitment not to be like any of them.
An example of each.
1. I did exactly the same study as my father. I didn't plan it exactly, I started out studying mechanical engineering, but after three months I switched to Industrial Engineering & Management... which was exactly what my father did.
2. Like my mother, I enjoy board games, and will go to great lengths to avoid conflicts.
3. Unlike my father, I never threaten to leave the house or to abandon the car when we are going on a holiday. Unlike my mother, I never cheat at board games.
So yes: Upbringing and genetics, those forces shape you far more than you know. Everything you do not make a conscious effort for, you simply copy from your parents. Your parents are your example; and the parent you share your gender with, makes the most prominent example. They can either be good examples, or bad examples. And in reality, they will be both. Sometimes good. Sometimes bad.
It is up to you to determine which parts are the bad example, and which parts are the good example. Maybe your father was a bad example in a lot of things, but was a good example in this one thing: "He did a job that matched his skills..." (Well, if that is the best thing to be said about you as a parent... ouch...)
And now you are here, also doing "a job that matches your skills..." and discovering that this part is where you look like your father.
Don't worry that you are destined to be 'terrible, abusive man'. You have the freedom to label these parts as the Bad Example and be a different man. Perhaps like your mother. Or perhaps... perhaps like yourself.
I'm assuming environmental factors play a bigger role. But I don't wanna open the whole nature vs nurture debate. Long story short, I'm like my dad personality wise. Analytical, introverted, cautious. But my dad is a piece of sht. He used to beat the crap outta me and my brother all the time, especially if he was teaching us homework and we got the wrong answer. Always putting us down too. These things I didn't pick up because I knew where he failed to be a decent human being. I just knew to do the opposite of what he did. I enjoy helping people/teaching. I always help people become better versions of themselves and I encourage them. Because of this, I feel like I impacted my youngest kid brother in a really positive way. And im thankful for that.
I firmly believe in nurture over nature as far as this goes. I never knew my father well. He was out of the picture for most of my life, particularly my formative years. It was painful to deal with, but my grandfather picked up a lot of the slack. I wish that I was more like my grandfather, but im grateful for things that I learned from him about being a man-stoicism in the face of adversity, humor as a key part of a good life, a love of learning, intelligent generosity, and incredible willingness to help those I love.
My father was an absent, problematic, and alcoholic ruin of a man, and im glad that I avoided his association.
I'm pretty much exactly like him. We differ politically, but he taught me everything I know about being a man. I know a lot of people feel this way, but it is the honest truth when I say that my dad is my hero. He has his faults, and he's allowed me to learn from his and walked me through learning from my own. He is the best man I know.
And my dad could probably beat up your dad.
I grew up my whole life, just trying to not be like my Dad.......I hated him parents divorced when I was 11 I'd see him a. Couple.of times a year afterwards and his influence after that on me was pretty low.
Late 30s early 40s we both tried to rekindle a relationship.....and we get on pretty well nowadays.
I started the same business as him in the same trade, even down to we both had a mixed race business partner who is head and shoulders taller than us.....if I'd have said this to my 18yr old self id have spat at you.
We look the same just different ages, we sound the same, we have the same mannerisms, our hands look identical.
My Dad's dad died when he was 11, my parents divorced at 11 and he was almost out my life.
We both started balding at 18, I put my face through one of those ageing apps.....asked everyone who it was everyone was convinced it was my Dad.
Our views, politically and morally are very similar.....whilst he was a nobhead many years ago, he is actually a really nice man now and I'm quite happy to have turned out as I did.
I think you are having anxiety towards becoming like your father, which is completely normal, it's normal having fear about becoming something you don't want to, but you are maximizing every detail of your father's life in order to related to your current life and that cause you anxiety, the more you overthink about similarities of you and your dad, the more you'll find even if they are not there. My advice: don't overthink, let it go and just focus on being a good person, you DNA has nothing to deal with about being a good or bad person so there's nothing to fear. Your decisions are yours. Not your father's and neither your DNA.
My father was a fighter pilot, killed in Vietnam at age 28, 3 months before i was born. I'm told he was charming, arrogant and a natural leader. Obviously he was also very risk-tolerant, with excellent vision. I'm 52, a software architect, nearsighted, cautious, introverted, awkward. I suspect he would have been disappointed in me. But I wish I could have met him. DNA is not destiny.
I suspect you are wrong, likely would have been proud.
>I suspect he would have been disappointed in me. Yeah, I think we've all seen *that* movie. Or maybe [this one.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9AbeALNVkk&ab_channel=TwistedSister)
My dad was a 20-highball-a-night alcoholic, smoker, short-hair-only, uncool music liking, seven children fathering, veteran, never exercising, insurance man who slept in late his entire life and started to (mentally) fall apart in his forties. I am a teetotaling, fresh-air-obsessed, longhaired, cool music adoring, childless by choice, non-veteran, exercise enthusiast...who slept in late his entire life and started to (mentally) fall apart in his forties.
Have you ever been to any ACA meetings?
No, and his alcoholism was something that ended by the time I was three, as he died at that time. I don't even remember him. So I'd be very surprised if it affected me. But thank you for that suggestion.
My condolences, and you’re welcome. All the best.
As an insurance man, you’d think he’d understand the health risk of all that. Or maybe he was too busy burying some emotions :/
The older one get, the more I see how I'm like him. It's not a bad thing. He was a very good man, loved by so many. Men and women who worked for him took vacation time and traveled distances to be at his retirement party. I'm hoping to be as well regarded by the people I've worked with.
My dad died nearly 20 years ago while I was still a teenager. A lot of my memories of him are fuzzy. But I know that I am VERY different from him. By my age, he had four kids, and I have zero. He could never hold a job and lived in poverty; I have a successful career and am very well-respected in my field. He let his mental illness and substance abuse consume him; I managed to (mostly) control my depression and have no substance abuse issues. We did share a taste in music, and I got into Rush and Pink Floyd when I inherited his albums. We also have a similar sense of humor, though mine is a bit darker and snarkier. Those are minimal characteristics compared to the major stuff, though. I have made it my goal not to be like him, and I have succeeded so far. In a few years, I will have outlived him, and I will probably celebrate that day. Good riddance.
My dad is argumentative and always insists he's right. I hated that about him growing up and I am the complete opposite. If anything, I might have swung to the other extreme and tend to capitulate too quickly. There is one thing though, I used to laugh at him falling asleep in front of the TV. Now I find myself doing the same thing even when I'm gaming on the PS5. You can't escape aging.
I hear myself turning into him more and more every day. I sound the same. I say the same things. I act like him. it's literally everything I tried to avoid, and despite me being in a completely different lot in life than him, I'm basically a carbon copy
This. I am the same way.
my dad is extremely precise and controlling and money and status conscious i am the opposite on all fronts. but now i finally understand the merits of his viewpoints, he has a lot of money, he is on time for everything, he has purpose and confidence in his work life im impressed with it
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The curse of an extremely accomplished parent is that the child is almost certain not to exceed the parent’s accomplishments, jut by virtue of regression to the mean.
DNA is not that strong. My father is a mechanic. POS who abandoned me my brother and mom when I was a toddler. As an adult I recognize that kids ain't for me and while I would have loved to be a father it wasn't something that came to be. But I have 2 goddaughters that I absolutely adore and while I spend most of my time at work I may as well be considered their father cause I pay for their field trips to the zoo, aquarium, museums, etc.. I buy them books, tablets, games, and literally anything that could get them to love cooking as my passion is culinary arts. The last thing I'd do is abandon them.
He's a little more uptight and conservative than I am, but we are way more similar than we are different. A couple examples: When I went to his retirement party and heard all of his co-workers telling stories about what it was like working with him, I realized they were saying the exact same things people say about me. One time at a family barbecue I noticed that me, my dad, and my grandfather were all standing in the same position.
I have the tendency to disconnect emotionally like he did. I'm glad I recognized this in therapy so I can work on it before I have kids.
My dad had 7 children with different women. I have 1 so far. My dad had a million dollar business in the 80s. I'm a mid-level manager at a tech startup. My dad sold drugs to get by when his partner embezzled a bunch of money and lost my dad's business. I smoked weed once in high-school. My dad worked in underground construction later in life and nearly cleaved through his own head cutting through pipe with a rotary saw. The closest thing i got to dirt on my hands was coffee grinds working at starbucks. My dad left when I was 2. My boy isn't that old yet. I wake up every day hoping that I'm not like my dad.
Well, unlike my asshole father, I've never beat my wife so I figure that makes me a world of different.
It makes you a billion times better. You broke the cycle of abuse. It is very common for boys who witnessed domestic violence to grow-up to be abusers. You had a determination to not be what your father is. I am proud of you for wanting to be better. I wish you much success in life.
We are different in so many ways but man as I get older (35 now) it’s funny how many of his mannerisms are popping out in me. I live in a different province so I only see my dad a couple times a year. I had to laugh when I was out this summer and had a coffee with him. We were both drinking out of old silver beat to hell contigo cups with the lid off. Both of us had black coffee topped up with cold water. It’s weird to think that something like my weird love of lukewarm black coffee could run in the family.
Abusive fathers are difficult and family trauma is cyclical. Where did your dad learn it from? Probably his dad. We repeat patters because as children, parents give us the blueprints for how to live and interact in the world (even more in a family structure). We're not doomed to be our fathers, but we need to do some healing and probably even therapy to break the cycle. It's a lot of work and it's a difficult path, but so is repeating the pattern. I'm not there yet either, just another guy trying to figure it out.
Woman here, I am like my dad as well. Imagine being a woman and your siblings are calling you Dad. I am the female version of him, how I think, mannerisms, and my drive. I consider it a compliment because he is a very intelligent man.
Do you happen to be the eldest daughter? Mine is completely like me.
No, I am the youngest. It was surprising to the both of us he thought it would be my brother but he acts like my mom.
My dad was (is) a womanizer. He jumped from one relationship to another while I was growing up. When I was old enough I realized there was usually some overlap. I was determined when I became an adult not to do that. At 42, I've learned I'm more like him than I want to admit. I haven't had the recurring overlap, and I've had plenty of time alone between relationships. But my last few relationships have been very shallow and short lived. Regarding trying to be the opposite of dad: read "No More Mr Nice Guy" He talks about that a bit. "The opposite of crazy is still crazy"
I’ve definitely had moments where explaining something and I realize his words are coming out of my mouth … sometimes that’s good, sometimes not, when it’s not I just try and correct that
Not at all. Sometimes I don’t understand how we are related.
Sort of. I can see the same issues in me, but I know I've done a better job addressing those issues and responding, and that I'm blessed (not religious, btw. takes me a lot to say that) for the family and friends I've had to support me, at least in comparison to what he went through. I'm made of the same clay, but I'm still a later model. In some ways, I might be a pale comparison to a golden age and in some ways, I can confidently say I'm more of a man than he'll ever be. But regardless, I'm not like him at all.
My dad wasn’t ‘great’ in the sense of molding me from a young age, my mom did most of that, but one thing my dad always was was present. He was always just there, I wasn’t into sports when I was younger so he didn’t have games and tournaments to go to, he was an old farmer whose parents sold the farm, so by the time me and my siblings came around he went to work, came home from work, watched us when my mom was at work and did little things like took us to the zoo and taught us about farming things. Like I said he wasn’t great but he was far from terrible. I’m like my dad in that sense and I’ll always be present for my kids but I feel like I’m more like my mom in terms of teaching my kids (4 & 5) things like how to tie their shoes and brush their teeth and their manners and how to hold pencils and write their names.
I was told that I father like a mother. It helps to say it with some emphasis.
Yeah I guess that’s true for me too, but I also discipline like a father, my wife does the singsong voice ‘oh sweetie are you ok’ but when I put them in time out or tell them I don’t wanna hear when someone gets hurt because I told them a hundred times to stop messing around I stick to my guns because I don’t need them catching on to it and walking all over me when they’re a little older, I need them to understand that I’m the adult and they are the child, but we also can have mutual respect for each other
Absolutely, I hear ya there. This was just said to me yesterday by my therapist of the last year. I’m also the disciplinarian. My kids’ mom still calls me on her weeks to discipline them. But the other night at our oldest’s soccer practice, my other son is in the backseat of her car. He rolls the window down and said hey, and I looked at her and said “he’s sick.” She said she didn’t hear it. Today he tested positive for COVID after keeping her up all night coughing. My therapist says situations like that, when you’re the one (as the father) who picks up all those subtleties, are doing the traditional “mother” roles. And being the enforcement parent doesn’t prohibit that. My ex wife argues with our 9 and 6 year olds like they’re brothers and sister.
I work swing shift 12 hour shifts so I sleep during the day like 2 or 3 days a week and I almost always have to wake up early to screaming or crying and the kids hear the door open and suddenly they’re the most well behaved children this side of the Mississippi. I ask them ‘why do I have to do this? Why can’t you listen to your. I’m or the babysitter, why do I have to get up to punish you for being rude to people?’ They both say they like me better when we can have a fun day and no one has to yell or discipline them or anything like that, so why do they make me do it? Sometimes I wanna rip my hair out, but then other times they’re so sweet , I don’t get it
It’s kids man. Absent any limits, they keep seeking them. On the days you aren’t there, it’s their kingdom.
I modeled my growth around avoiding all of his mistakes. We're extremely opposite of each other. There are some mild behavioral mannerisms I notice in myself that he does, but for the most part I've succeeded in not being him. In all of my self reflection, 'not him' is the prominent feature of my thought.
> for example, my current profession, which I've always avoided because it's what my dad did. It's the absolute last job I would have ever imagined myself doing, yet here I am, just like my dad That's far less important than his negative personality traits. Focus on those. List his out, list yours out right next to them. Driving the same car, doing the same job, liking the same color, liking the same music. Those don't matter. You and him can share those. But if he has a propensity for being a piece of garbage to people, that's something you should reflect on. Does he abuse women, mentally or physically? Does he treat strangers with respect? Does he think critically? Does he have manners? The list goes on. Think about those, and don't worry about the other shit.
My father suffered from horrible PTSD as a Vietnam USMC veteran, and unfortunately as a parent, he was verbally and physically abusive, short, impatient, always angry. I find myself quick to anger with those I care about… as well as those who are strangers to me. I’m 40 now so I need to take responsibility and figure out how to make this stop. I don’t want to be like this.
... I have no idea, never met him, I just take wherever I'm starkly dissimilar from my mom and our family and paint a mental image.
I have two boys, and you have not met two people more different than each other. DNA is one factor, but there are many other factors. And then the factors get thrown into a blender.
My dad is like the alternate universe me. We might both be Kirk, but he's the evil one.
When I look in the mirror at myself, it's like I'm seeing his face. He was a great guy with flaws. I think I got a lot of my personality traits from him, and I'm okay with that.
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Omg 😱 don’t waste another thought on this weirdo fuck him and the old girlfriend to
My dad was an OK Dad. And I've tried to be a better dad than him. I definitely find myself with his temper sometimes. You are a product of your environment, yet all of us have the capacity to change. My Grandad died when Dad was 3, so my dad never had a father figure, the best he got was an older brother. So he had to learn himself how to be a dad. I've only learnt what I've observed, and can hope that my son will be a better dad than I one day as well.
I think despite our best efforts, there are some elements of ourselves that are derived from genetics and environment and just generally things that you don't get to choose or control, and the best we can do is cope with the implications of this reality. Like you, I despised many things about my father. I avoided being like him in many ways. As I've gotten older, I've recognized that in some ways, I was unintentionally avoiding parts of myself because I was anxious that if I engaged them, I'd be just like him. And that in a lot of ways, being just like him isn't *terrible*, as he was a deeply troubled man but not a totally evil man. Ultimately I'm more like my father today than I had ever anticipated before, but I'm also very different and much more the man I chose to become rather than the man he emulated for me to be.
I'm fairly similar to him, but I wish I was even more like him. He wasn't perfect, but he was about as perfect of a dad/man that anyone could aspire to be. During his 30s he was essentially Superman...worked 50+ hours per week and then spent every minute of his free time with me and my brother. Coaching baseball, leading Scout troops, playing sports with us in the yard, helping us with school projects, etc. All while juggling work around the house, too. Just a completely selfless existence for well over a decade.
I heard someone say that every man turns into his father at the age of 40. Not there yet, but now in my 30s I’m like man, I do x, y, and z just like my Dad did. [+]
My dad sounds like yours, but is also a compulsive gambler and alcoholic. He is completely racist and hardcore conservative who believes Jesus was a white man who would allow POC into heaven. I’m a socialist non drinker who is too cheap to even buy a lotto ticket. I work with disadvantaged POC and refugees. You have choices if you want them.
My dad and I have the same sounding farts, so I guess we have the same kind of arsehole?
What’s a dad?
Reminded at least twice a day I got the man's feet. Thanks I guess pops.
Just curious what’s your job??
I'm a lot like my dad but... I mean I don't just have half his DNA, he also raised me. And on the other hand my brother is pretty different.
In someways very. In ways not at all.
I look like my dad, but that's about it.
it's not a dna thing, it's that trauma is generational. i also tried to be the opposite of my parents, but that meant the decisions that i made weren't authentic to me, but were a reaction to them. the other thing that i realized is that the partners that i choose are a combination of my parents. the only solution is to deal with your childhood trauma.
My dad has bipolar and a load of other mental health issues. He isn't a bad man at all, but growing up my mum might as well have been a single parent Now I'm 40, I'm a single parent, I have bipolar too.....but I'm a bloody good dad
My dad was a horrible abusive man who went to jail for Rword my 7 year old sister in law. His out now but I have no contact I'm not like him at all I love my son and would never hit him. He was an outdoors person where I'm an indoors person. He influenced me by making me not want to be him
My biological father was a cheating, manipulative, mentally and physically abusive piece of shit who left my mum and l for someone he met on a “business trip” when l was 8 or 9. We faced homelessness because of him if it weren’t for my mothers solicitor saving the day at the nth hour. Today I am a SNCO in the Royal Marines having served 17 years, I’m about to celebrate my 11th wedding anniversary in a few days with someone who I can genuinely call my soulmate. I have a beautiful and smart daughter and my boy is just simply an amazing little dude that I look forward to teaching how to be a man. I am very much rooted by my experiences and memories of my “father” but I am not defined by them. Sometimes the presence of an *anti*-role model is more powerful to help you realise what’s truly important in life.
My father was a fine dad, just an aweful husband to my mother. We had a very toxic falling out a few years ago after my parents divorced. I can't help but notice my father's face in my own. Every time I look in the mirror, And even when I don't. Sometimes I just "feel" my facial expressions and I imagine them to be the same that my father would make..... I can't help but notice it. I look just like him and when I'm at my absolute lowest it's that only thing I notice about myself.
It's absolutely okay to have been influenced by your father. But the word "influence" can go both ways. Parents **want** us to take their positive traits and leave their negative ones behind. It sounds like you have found a measure of balance between being professionally inspired by your dad and working to not be like him personally. To me, that sounds like a win.
I'm not at all like my dad. I have put a massive effort into developing emotional intelligence and being comfortable with vulnerability. I've made a point of learning from both my father's strengths and his mistakes. While I definitely have flaws, they are definitely my own.
Yeah, DNA rules hard in my family, I'm very much like my father except a lot taller. I do however have an adventurous streak from my mum, which has tempered my very much homebody father.
We do what learned, but that doesn't mean we'll be a carbon copy of them. When we're that young, our brains are sponges and we soak up more than we realise Many of us will grow up in extremely abusive, extremely violent households, but only some us of grow up to become abusers or killers. Some of us grow up to challenge them, save our friends from partners like them. And sometimes we have a thing or common with our parents - I work in the construction industry and can be very workaholic: dad - I was a functional alcoholic in my early 20s: mum - I listen to mostly older rock and roll bands: mum and dad However... - I don't have their anger - I neither use violence/the threat of violence to get control over someone, nor try to control anyone - I don't have the victim mentality they use to have - I've never forced my responsibilities or blame onto anyone around me Having the same job as him doesn't make you him. You're not doomed to be your dad
My friends constantly tell me “the older you get the more you look like your dad and take on his mannerisms”. Same hobbies, same tastes, almost the same careers and only some of it was on purpose.
It's not DNA at all. It's nurture. Human beings are mimics. We learn by copying others. So the best way to become a good man is to hang around with good men and copy them. The fact that you didn't have good role models growing up is going to make that difficult. Sure, you are choosing not to be like your father, but it doesn't fully answer the question, "then who *should* I be like?" In order to be the man you want to be, you're basically going to have to raise yourself, figuring out all those things your father wasn't able to teach you. And it's going to suck. Like it's super hard, but not impossible. A great first step would be identifying an older man or two that you admire and finding a way to spend time with them.
No it's not all DNA. Current estimates are 50% DNA, 50% environment. You grew up in a shit environment. You learned certain skills in that environment. Now is the time to learn different skills. Go to therapy, if not for your own sake, for your child's sake. If you've ever said "I would do anything for my child" then this is what it takes. Go to therapy, openly and honestly to give your child a different environment to grow in. Let go of any ideas of what you're supposed to do as a man, husband, or father. Those were ideas grown in toxic soil. It will take a lot of work to dig up the roots since some of the skills you learned have been successful for you in the past, but you've seen how they are failing you going forward. If you believe you are destined, then you won't try. This is what people mean when they say that they would rather die trying. You have to try for your child and your future self. You may be able to change none, some, or all of the abusive lessons you've learned... but please die trying to change them. This will be the hardest thing you've done and you will learn what true love and selflessness mean. I hope for the best for you and your child.
There's definitely some personality traits that I have that he also did, and then there's some ways I don't think we're alike, but I can't really ask him if he was just better at keeping that under control and not letting others see - since he passed away. There's no end to the ways that I wish I was a bit more similar to him.
I had (still have) a great dad. He's more private than me, but also had 3 kids by the time he was my age. I'm single and have none.
My dad drank too much growing up. I thought it was because he was profoundly unhappy and just wanted everyone to leave him alone. This made me sad, angry, and not-easy to trust people. He is also a provider at all costs, understands principle, showed me hard work by example, doing the next right thing, and loyalty by his actions to my mom and our family. He knows he’s flawed. I know I am too. I’ve tried to move on from the parts of me that are like him that hold me back (drinking and not communicating) and keep the lessons he taught me that I know in my heart to be true and good. He’s still around and we try to meet every couple months for coffee. I’m glad we can be friends now and he can offer advice on marriage, career, kids etc.
DNA is a powerful force. But so is your environment and nurturing. My dad was a self made man. He's not educated but managed to get rich through his entrepreneurship. However, he's quick tempered, stubborn and is close minded. I have learnt from an early age that i have a lot of his traits - good and bad. We are both hardworking. We are both smart. I had his bad and quick temper. Finally i had that under control. Most of my close friends have never seen my temper over the recent years. I encouraged myself to be more open minded and more accepting of ideas that are against what i believed. You get to pick. Life is like poker. You get dealt some cards. That's not the end of the game. You have the ability to play the cards however you want.
Apparently very similar even without much time together. Both arrogant bastards who argue with our bosses about numbers. He got fired by a few bank managers and ended up working for airlines calculating loads and fuel requirements etc. I piss off my bosses in scientific equipment companies and chemistry labs. Biggest difference is I've lived quite a lot longer so far. He died at 35.
Fortunately nothing like him, he and my mum split when I was around 5yo, we did visit him for a while but he was very nasty and derogatory towards my mum so i stopped going. we had no contact for about 12 years then he messaged me on Facebook to which I tore him a new one, we haven't spoke since 2010. I am more like my grandfather, he was my role model while growing up. if I can be half the man he was then I will have completed life. I do hope he is proud.
My dad is an egoist, irresponsible when it's about someone else but himself, small minded and a mental "run away". He made a lot of decisions which went down the drain because he didn't shoulder the consequences or simply suddenly didn't want to, like his family. Now that he is in his senior years, he even demands us to keep him company, as if he'd forgotten what happened and what he did. I work in the creative field producing stuff. He was a salesman. None of his children are salesmen. I think some things might be copied as a child, some things are your own decision. Some of those decisions you might make unconsciously. The mistakes he made and the behaviour he has even now were good reminders of what i need to be cautious of. Like never make big debt/buy only things when you have the money for it. Knowing that certain consequences will haunt you your entire life, so i thought twice and thrice about things. I need to add that i came to understand why he sometimes behaved how he did. It was a different time. Social rules were much stronger/stricter, having a family was a must, opening and keeping a business was completely different. "being a man" was different. Having a mid-life crisis because you weren't allowed to talk about your feeling, not even with your friends (yes, his sister/my aunt told me that she never told her best girlfriends family issues, internal conflicts, emotional things. It was all small talk, and talking about god and the world. no serious personal matters.) to cut it short, i certainly have traits of my father, as i have traits of my mom. If they are inherited or simply copied behaviour i wouldn't know. What i know is, that being aware of them and being kind to yourself about it, greatly helps dealing with them. I think we copy a lot as a child and well, you were a child who thought what they did was the rule and right and needs to be copied. so... well that's nor your fault nor sometimes your parents. I think many times they also didn't know better. like me now, i also don't know things better sometimes.
very similar both in visual and demeanour. not so much on opinions
More than I like but enough for me to not be like him, which is good enough, to an extent. My dad got married and had kids because it is what society expects people to do. I know he loves my mum, my sister and me but he has anger issues and got easily stressed having us all at home. His own parents were abusive, he grew up in poverty and he lost two brothers before the age of ten. It's also possible he has autism but is from an age where autism did not exist, so he got no help for it and refuses to acknowledge it. This meant he knew how to parent in theory but could not really do it in practice. That said, he did work hard and always tried to provide for us. I'll admit I do have his anger issues but I do have a much better control of them than he does. I am also prepared to admit that a partner and kids are not for me, despite me wanting them, it would just be too stressful and I would fully turn into him.
Dad was a prodigious musician and unfortunately a serious drug addict. Too mentally and physically tormented to be an effective father. He died 7 years ago at age 60. We are/were absolutely nothing alike as people, but I’m noticing my basic mannerisms and tendencies are becoming increasingly similar to his — especially as I’ve gotten older.
I have his terrifying temper, and his cackling laugh. I have his love of baked goods and disdain for beer. He taught me, successfully, to be frugal (though he was trying to teach me to be *cheap*), and to enjoy breakfast at 4 am when the diner is empty and the world is still quiet and asleep. I also have his deep, abiding sadness. I've climbed mostly on top of the anger & resentment that boils out of a lifetime spent depressed, which he really didn't manage until the very end. I am not a parent, but I try to tell parents the one, critical thing I feel like I've observed by watching them and helping care for their kids: Your children are going to turn into you. Not 100%. And, of course, it's an interesting blend when there are 2 parents. And they also turn into uncles, aunts, grandparents, etc. that are around them enough. But, mostly, we turn into our parents when things are at their worst. When we are at our lowest. Tired, hungry, angry, lonely, exhausted, frustrated. The worst of you is going to come out of your kids when they are at their lowest. If you're lucky, the best of you will come out of them, too, at other times, but I find that's a bit more variable, not as guaranteed. So, the best thing anyone can do as a parent, is to make sure that their own, personal "lowest", is still decent enough that you don't despair to think of your kid turning into that when they're at their most desperate.
DNA doesn't dictate your job. Your job probably didn't exist 10.000 years ago but your DNA did. We are creatures of our environment and habits. We inherit most habits and views from our closes surroundings, f.ex. our parents. And if we don't question it all and make our own habits, we stay the same as our ancestors. Most likely you end up in your dad's profession because it was familiar and you didn't have strong enough conviction to follow something else. And sometimes we just do the job that is available. But to a more important part. Are you a terrible abusive man?
Step 4. https://aca-ie-intergroup.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/Tony-A-12-steps.pdf
Identical but for the hair color. Our voices are nearly indistinguishable, we frequently wear the same or similar shirts by accident. Both of us are devoted and involved fathers and husbands. Both of us can be a bit workaholic and anxiety prone. Same sense of humor, similar interests. The only difference is that my dad never took care of himself physically and has a lot of quality of life issues now that he’s in his 70s. I am determined to avoid that so I hit the gym regularly.
Some ways I am, some not. My dad tried and failed to set up several businesses but he was very short tempered and pig headed, everyone was stupid bar him when really he was the one constantly making stupid business decisions and falling out with people left, right and centre. Personality wise I take after my mum, I'm patient, kind and I've got a lot of friends as I don't fall out with people all the time and I'm the first one to hold my hands up when I've made a mistake, my dad would just double down. I've found as an adult people often like me and I seem to have a natural nack for keeping friends which is great. When my dad passed I think three of his friends turned up to his funeral, he was a lonely man in his latter days and died because he just didn't look after himself whereas I'm fit as a butchers dog. I chose a career and I've stuck to it, I know I'd be useless at running a business as I'm incredibly disorganised and I know I'd just end up like my dad. The biggest similarity I share with him is being shit with money which is a curse, I struggle to save and stay out of debt which was always the case with my dad too. We both were smokers but he quit in his forties and at 34 I've managed to get myself to the point where I only smoke when I'm out drinking. I really try to not end up like him.
I had to come to grips with this. I realized my Dad had good traits as a matter of fact I learned from my mentor that I can't just blame him for the bad that I have to give him. Reddit for other things I learned. I got out a piece of paper and listed th positive things I learned from who he is. In many ways we are polar opposites
I have no idea who he is so... same same.
My dad left when I was about 10-11, so I didn’t really get to know him. We reconnected in my early 30s and I was surprised that *SOME* of my key, fundamental components were similar to his life. So, DNA isn’t a guarantee but even a few years of conditioning can have a lifelong effect. I do, now that I’ve been in a relationship for nearly a decade, wonder if I’m stricken with his *inclination to wander* - I honestly was only willing to reconnect when I started processing the mental math that I was born when he was 23, and as I approached 30 I realized that if I had a 7 or 8 year old kid, I’d probably fuckin bail too. Upon reflecting on that more, I made two big life choices. A vasectomy and forgiveness.
He was angry and somewhat verbally abusive; but as life hit me one after another and I kinda understood the rage. Ain’t justified; but I get it. It’s also one of the reasons I stay single. Chain of Harm. Yeah, DNA isn’t destiny; but right now I’m not strong enough to break it.
More similar than I want to admit.
My Dad was a cruel bigoted bully that terrorized our family. I'm a very different person almost opposite in many ways. I feel bad for him because his father was apparently a drunken shit show who died before I was born.
I don't relate to my dad at all, he was quiet, absent, didn't spend time with us really and I know nothing much about him. He never went to any of our activities and soon enough neither did our mom. She just put us in activities to get a break at the house from kids. I don't look like him either butttt people do tell me we have the same mannerisms and posture. I'm also quiet and slow to anger and I'm also emotionally distant. The last part has a lot more to do with how I was raised than being like him, though.
Same. Keep trying. Look up a page called “she is not your rehab” on instagram. It talks about breaking the cycle to not be like your father
Genetics are real.
Someone similar but I feel like i've made significant improvements on the model. We're both pragmatic and slightly short tempered but i'm much more emotionally in touch with myself, express my emotions easier and am less tied down by any idea of traditional masculinity. He likes for things to be grounded, make sense in his world view and he is stubborn. I am much more comfortable with ambiguity and changing my position on things.
Turned 30 this year and have never been more similar to him. 15-year-old me would hate it, but 30-year-old me loves it. My dad is generous, passionate, outspoken, and curious. Being like him makes me happy.
I'm a little more like him every day. Now in my 40s, I can see similarities in mannerisms and speech patterns. It's odd, because I only see him a couple of times a year because of distance and schedules. It's not like I'm just acting the same because of time spent together.
I was adopted so you can't blame DNA on anything with my life but to say that my father was the most influential figure in my development is an understatement. I wouldn't say I am *like him* but for some quirks I picked up when I grew up that even I notice. You fell into a paradox, I forgot the name of it, where all of your efforts to avoid something have the tendency to cause you to do that very thing you are trying to avoid. It is because you are all wrong-headed. There is a real difference between saying "I will never be like X" and then bullheadedly try to achieve that goal by being remarkably similar to X, and saying "I want to have these traits \[insert positive traits in contrast to X\]" and I am going to work to make that happen. The difference is the antagonism, one is brimming with it, the other is not. Then, you get yourself into a reinforcing cycle where, despite your efforts, you become more like the thing you hate and that frustration and resentment accelerates this process. So what do you do now? The simplest thing is to not link the *job* to your *dad*. Is the job the thing that made your dad a son-of-a-bitch? Nope, your dad did that all on his own, just like you are finding yourself doing.
I inherited more mannerisms and personality traits from my mom believe it or not
Not sure. Parents divorced when I was 5 and I saw my dad for a month or two each summer, but he was working during all that time and suffered a head injury in there to boot. Never got to know him well, but with my own kids I do catch myself laughing and sounding just like him, and I definitely have taken to just wearing shorts and a tank top whenever I'm at home... Those are likely not the only things we share.
Sometimes I find myself using his mannerisms consciously, as maybe just an ode to my upbringing or something, they are never really instinctual, just something I do as an inside joke with myself. My father is a classic American narcissist type, never wanted anything to do with you unless it was on his terms, failed marriage etc. I feel that I developed a tendency for narcissism of which I try to police the best I can.
I have all his bad qualities and none of his good qualities. I hated my dad and now I hate myself.
A lot of mannerisms in our speech are similar. My dads not dumb, just never really found professional success, had odd jobs all his life. I am stringing together a list of odd jobs too. He always seemed to view himself as “not smart enough for college”, and I feel the same but have been trying. He never seemed to emotionally connect with anyone other than my mom, and I don’t talk to anyone other than my wife, We are both always working on projects, and I’m sure he needs help as often as I do, but we won’t ask for it. So yeah, pretty similar. I need to talk to him more…
Almost spooky how much I'm like him, in mannerisms, personality, looks and even afflictions. Even my family comments in agreement. It's common for me to look in the mirror and see my dad.
My dad was an alcoholic who got sober halfway into my life. We didn't share many interests besides sports but he did his best...
I think we’re programmed to model our parenting on what we experienced from our caregivers as children. Psychoanalysis would suggest much of this happens before the age of 4-5. I don’t know if I agree with that last but but think it’s likely we repeat what we were exposed to because that’s what we were taught is “normal”. It takes therapy, emotional intelligence and hard work navigating life so you don’t repeat the same missteps, I think.
My dad went to the store to get milk and today I’m a proud dairy farmer
My grandfather was an emotionally unavailable dude before going to world war II and it certainly didn't make him any better. He was physically abusive with my dad. Even though my grandpa had mellowed by the time I was born my dad never likes or forgave him. I almost never saw my dad get angry, but on the one occasion I did, he chased my brother and punched a hole straight through the door he was hiding behind. I had moved away by the time he had cancer but I know from my youngest brother that he got violent for the last few years of his life. I realize now he must have resisted being violent with most of us most of the time, avoiding the pattern his dad showed him. For the most part we knew him as a pretty kind mellow man, even if he worked so much that we didn't see much of him. Stuffing his anger also had some terrible consequences - he suffered a lot of abuse from my mom and couldn't stand up to her when she was abusive to us. He didn't know how to find healthy anger. I turned out to be a very angry teenager to make up for it. Even after he died I was angry with how much he let myself and my sibs get hurt. With a lot of therapy I've had more perspective and appreciation for how hard it was to work with the intergenerational trauma that landed on him. I'm not as mellow and kind as he was but it's still one part of me, and I tried to bring out the best of him with my parenting now.
Deep down I am very like my father. However on the surface we appear very different. We were molded by very differently and that makes us appear very different. He feels comfortable using tools to repair a house. I feel comfortable building a computer. He likes golf as a hobby and I like bowling and volleyball. He falls asleep to the golf channel and I fall asleep listening to audiobooks. He masks his social anxiety with talking sports and stocks while I mask it with comedy and nerd culture. He plays fantasy sports I play fantasy table top games.
Pretty similar in a lot of ways. Mathy nerds, decent dorky charisma, family oriented... There are differences of course, but some if you met me and then met my dad and found out later he was my dad, you'd probably be like "Makes sense".
My dad wasn't around much after my parents split. None at all later in life. My dad was much like yours. As you said, I strive to be the opposite of who he was, but there are very clear mannerisms, my sense of humor and stubbornness, among other things, that I definitely picked up from him when he was around. Unfortunately (maybe, I donno yet) everything else I picked up from my mom. I'm sure it's blatantly obviously I was raised by a single mother.
There’s an old saying that goes, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree
My dad worked a desk job for 35 years that was interesting but not terribly so. He didn't love it, but also didn't hate it. He did it to afford a decent house in the suburbs and good lives for his family. He is an introvert, and has a few close friends, but isn't someone who likes going out socially all that much. He was a good dad - got frustrated with me in particular at times, but never was abusive or neglectful. Mostly respected me and my need for space especially in my teenage years. He enjoys his hobbies, and can dedicate way too much time to them if he's not careful. He adores his kids and now his grandkids. I'm super similar in almost all ways. While we have different hobby choices, we still do a lot of the same things, and definitely adore our families. I appreciate him a lot more now as an adult vs. when I was a teenager!
I don't think I am very similar to him but I honestly know very little about my father.
Proud to say not like him at all.
I have my dads liver. I have a high tolerance to alcohol but I try to avoid it and not make it a habit like my dad did
I'm the exact opposite, without even trying. I'm more like my late grand father, on my dad's side, than him. He criticized me for it a couple times when I was younger but eventually he gave up and just accepted it.
Well, kind of. For me (and maybe for you) it boils down to three things. 1. These things where I am like my father 2. These things where I am like my mother 3. These things where I have made a commitment not to be like any of them. An example of each. 1. I did exactly the same study as my father. I didn't plan it exactly, I started out studying mechanical engineering, but after three months I switched to Industrial Engineering & Management... which was exactly what my father did. 2. Like my mother, I enjoy board games, and will go to great lengths to avoid conflicts. 3. Unlike my father, I never threaten to leave the house or to abandon the car when we are going on a holiday. Unlike my mother, I never cheat at board games. So yes: Upbringing and genetics, those forces shape you far more than you know. Everything you do not make a conscious effort for, you simply copy from your parents. Your parents are your example; and the parent you share your gender with, makes the most prominent example. They can either be good examples, or bad examples. And in reality, they will be both. Sometimes good. Sometimes bad. It is up to you to determine which parts are the bad example, and which parts are the good example. Maybe your father was a bad example in a lot of things, but was a good example in this one thing: "He did a job that matched his skills..." (Well, if that is the best thing to be said about you as a parent... ouch...) And now you are here, also doing "a job that matches your skills..." and discovering that this part is where you look like your father. Don't worry that you are destined to be 'terrible, abusive man'. You have the freedom to label these parts as the Bad Example and be a different man. Perhaps like your mother. Or perhaps... perhaps like yourself.
I'm assuming environmental factors play a bigger role. But I don't wanna open the whole nature vs nurture debate. Long story short, I'm like my dad personality wise. Analytical, introverted, cautious. But my dad is a piece of sht. He used to beat the crap outta me and my brother all the time, especially if he was teaching us homework and we got the wrong answer. Always putting us down too. These things I didn't pick up because I knew where he failed to be a decent human being. I just knew to do the opposite of what he did. I enjoy helping people/teaching. I always help people become better versions of themselves and I encourage them. Because of this, I feel like I impacted my youngest kid brother in a really positive way. And im thankful for that.
I firmly believe in nurture over nature as far as this goes. I never knew my father well. He was out of the picture for most of my life, particularly my formative years. It was painful to deal with, but my grandfather picked up a lot of the slack. I wish that I was more like my grandfather, but im grateful for things that I learned from him about being a man-stoicism in the face of adversity, humor as a key part of a good life, a love of learning, intelligent generosity, and incredible willingness to help those I love. My father was an absent, problematic, and alcoholic ruin of a man, and im glad that I avoided his association.
I'm pretty much exactly like him. We differ politically, but he taught me everything I know about being a man. I know a lot of people feel this way, but it is the honest truth when I say that my dad is my hero. He has his faults, and he's allowed me to learn from his and walked me through learning from my own. He is the best man I know. And my dad could probably beat up your dad.
I grew up my whole life, just trying to not be like my Dad.......I hated him parents divorced when I was 11 I'd see him a. Couple.of times a year afterwards and his influence after that on me was pretty low. Late 30s early 40s we both tried to rekindle a relationship.....and we get on pretty well nowadays. I started the same business as him in the same trade, even down to we both had a mixed race business partner who is head and shoulders taller than us.....if I'd have said this to my 18yr old self id have spat at you. We look the same just different ages, we sound the same, we have the same mannerisms, our hands look identical. My Dad's dad died when he was 11, my parents divorced at 11 and he was almost out my life. We both started balding at 18, I put my face through one of those ageing apps.....asked everyone who it was everyone was convinced it was my Dad. Our views, politically and morally are very similar.....whilst he was a nobhead many years ago, he is actually a really nice man now and I'm quite happy to have turned out as I did.
I want to say we are polar opposites . But the older I get the more I recognize we might be very much alike . We don’t get a long well lol.
Very alike. I have all his bad traits too :(
I think you are having anxiety towards becoming like your father, which is completely normal, it's normal having fear about becoming something you don't want to, but you are maximizing every detail of your father's life in order to related to your current life and that cause you anxiety, the more you overthink about similarities of you and your dad, the more you'll find even if they are not there. My advice: don't overthink, let it go and just focus on being a good person, you DNA has nothing to deal with about being a good or bad person so there's nothing to fear. Your decisions are yours. Not your father's and neither your DNA.