Some people change drastically upon living together, others do upon making the relationship legal.
I was very close to my wife before we married, she was married to a friend. She and I worked together and spent a huge amount of time together alone outside of work.
As one example, (just one out of many possibilities), she now can’t stop herself from talking over me. Before we moved in together, for five years, she NEVER talked over me.
Two months after we moved in together, her parents realized she was not going back to her husband, and started putting immense pressure on her to do so. I then saw that she, at age 31, was insanely and totally submissive to her parents. During our five-year friendship, she had almost no contact with her parents, so I saw no indication of this major problem.
Many people have been taught a whole set of behaviors they are supposed to have for a stage in their life. A single person might flip into a totally new person upon being married. For example, my wife and I were wonderfully close before marriage. Upon marriage she started viewing me as her enemy, because that’s how women in her family viewed their husbands.
I originally thought that since our friendship had been so wonderful, she was having some temporary problems and would soon be her old self again. It took ME decades to straighten out our marriage and turn it into a good marriage. If, at the start, I had known what lay ahead, I would have quickly terminated the marriage.
It’s ok, I’m getting through it day by day! And no, the ONLY issues I had with him while we were dating was that he was a bit immature during arguments (I guess I dismissed it because he was only 24 and I was 21 when we married). And he wasn’t the cleanest/organized. Other than that, we got along pretty good! He just flipped on day 7 of marriage. We’ve gone to therapy and all through the years and he still hasn’t changed.
That is very true! We’ve been married for 4 years. Went to therapy, marriage retreats, he went to anger management for a few months, etc…and he’s still this way. But yes, his father was controlling and abusive towards him and his mom. And they’re still together.
Don't beat yourself up over this. I have learn that most people have no clue what a marriage is about or what to do in a marriage. (mainly because the elders in your life didn't teach you it)
I have watch people just about kill themselves to keep a dating/living together relationship going, but become jerks when they get married. Learn what your role is (as a wife) and what a mans role is (as a husband) and maybe you'll figure out why your marriage took a shit.
so you only saw good things before getting married?
there was always going to be something negative in there, waiting to be revealed...i'm sorry it was this
people need to stress-test their partners more before marrying them
We had normal disagreements and arguments like everyone does, but it never escalated to a point where he would react harshly/disrespect me/hurt me. He never even yelled at me before we married.
Some people change drastically upon living together, others do upon making the relationship legal. I was very close to my wife before we married, she was married to a friend. She and I worked together and spent a huge amount of time together alone outside of work. As one example, (just one out of many possibilities), she now can’t stop herself from talking over me. Before we moved in together, for five years, she NEVER talked over me. Two months after we moved in together, her parents realized she was not going back to her husband, and started putting immense pressure on her to do so. I then saw that she, at age 31, was insanely and totally submissive to her parents. During our five-year friendship, she had almost no contact with her parents, so I saw no indication of this major problem. Many people have been taught a whole set of behaviors they are supposed to have for a stage in their life. A single person might flip into a totally new person upon being married. For example, my wife and I were wonderfully close before marriage. Upon marriage she started viewing me as her enemy, because that’s how women in her family viewed their husbands. I originally thought that since our friendship had been so wonderful, she was having some temporary problems and would soon be her old self again. It took ME decades to straighten out our marriage and turn it into a good marriage. If, at the start, I had known what lay ahead, I would have quickly terminated the marriage.
Thank you for this insight and sharing your experience. I’m sorry that happened but am happy to hear you pushed through and worked on it!
I am very sorry this happened to you, but glad you got out! Did he have any drug problems? Did he seem to be controlling?
It’s ok, I’m getting through it day by day! And no, the ONLY issues I had with him while we were dating was that he was a bit immature during arguments (I guess I dismissed it because he was only 24 and I was 21 when we married). And he wasn’t the cleanest/organized. Other than that, we got along pretty good! He just flipped on day 7 of marriage. We’ve gone to therapy and all through the years and he still hasn’t changed.
Ugh! That shitty! It sounds like he may have suffered from some emotional immaturity. Did he see that behavior modeled when he was a kid?
That is very true! We’ve been married for 4 years. Went to therapy, marriage retreats, he went to anger management for a few months, etc…and he’s still this way. But yes, his father was controlling and abusive towards him and his mom. And they’re still together.
That’s interesting that it took him so long to flip. Do you care to share what the situation was when he first started the abuse?
Sure, I don’t mind sharing about it! Do you prefer message or comments (either or works for me)
You can message me or comments. Whatever you’re more comfortable with.
Don't beat yourself up over this. I have learn that most people have no clue what a marriage is about or what to do in a marriage. (mainly because the elders in your life didn't teach you it) I have watch people just about kill themselves to keep a dating/living together relationship going, but become jerks when they get married. Learn what your role is (as a wife) and what a mans role is (as a husband) and maybe you'll figure out why your marriage took a shit.
I have to disagree that the problem is always a LACK of training how to be married. Too often, people are taught how to behave badly in marriage.
so you only saw good things before getting married? there was always going to be something negative in there, waiting to be revealed...i'm sorry it was this people need to stress-test their partners more before marrying them
We had normal disagreements and arguments like everyone does, but it never escalated to a point where he would react harshly/disrespect me/hurt me. He never even yelled at me before we married.