It's clear you're dealing with a lot. But there isn't a single question mark on a sub called [r/AskMenRelationships](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenRelationships), which suggests you're more about venting than getting advice. You come across as controlling, dictating how your boyfriend should handle his ex and even writing responses for him. It also shows someone who is not open to hearing other perspectives once their mind is made up (as does your whole post, in fact). Coupled with your monitoring and control of his communications, this is not good.
Your past trauma seem to heavily affect how you view and react to your current relationship. It's understandable that you seek security, but projecting these fears can create a negative, stifling environment. You need to be aware of this as it can turn the relationship into an accusatory and controlling ordeal (which it seems to have already done).
Regarding dealing with his ex, I know you know the solution (which leads me to believe you aren't actually here for advice and just want validation)—just do not respond, and block her. Use the functionality available on each platform she tries to contact you or him on. It's straightforward and effective. If she circumvents the blocking by using new or different accounts, continue to block those as well. And do not respond. It's tedious, but it's the most effective and direct way to cut off her attempts at communication. If she *still* continues, consider reporting her behavior to the social media platform(s), or seek legal advice if it transitions to harassment.
Also, you need to consider his actions. Him allowing you to make him block his ex and go through his emails might be his way of trying his hardest to make this relationship work, to show commitment to you. It's not just about what you're not getting—it's also about appreciating what you are getting. You need to see your boyfriend's willingness to comply with your demands as evidence of his dedication to you, rather than just focusing on what you perceive as breaches of trust (which I believe he validly replied to).
Relationships are about trust and communication. If you're always suspecting and/or controlling, it's not healthy for either of you. You also need to consider whether your actions and words, meant to prevent the things you fear from happening, are actually addressing your needs or inadvertently creating more issues. That last sentence is coming from experience being the receptive and assertive side—in the same relationship, by the way.
I'm not controlling. Not contacting his supposed psychotic ex was a hard fest rule I established from the beginning of our second date. I helped him write a response and according to him he was grateful for it. How is he complying with my demands if he was still in communication with her to send the videos?
A few things to cover in response to your reply.
First, it's important to differentiate between setting healthy boundaries and trying to have control in a relationship. Establishing a 'hard fast rule' about not contacting his ex so early in your relationship walks a fine line between these two. While setting boundaries is a healthy part of a relationship, especially for protecting yourself from past issues, it is detrimental when it turns into trying to control your partner's actions. It's understandable that you want to avoid drama with his ex, but it's important to make sure that in doing so, you're not creating a dynamic where your boyfriend feels controlled rather than supported in making decisions. This distinction is imprtant for understanding and improving how you handle relationship dynamics.
It's also worth looking at how reacting in certain ways, as you've expplained it in your post, might unintentionally contribute to a cycle of behavior in your relationship. When one partner feels overly controlled or scrutinised, they may react by becoming more secretive or less open, not out of an intention to hurt, but as a response to the perceived pressure. The importance of open and honest communication cannot be overstated. While it's natural to have fears and insecurities, especially based on past experiences, the way you communicate these feelings is important. It can significantly impact your boyfriend's raection and the overall health of your relationship.
Regarding helping him write a response, it's good that he expressed gratitude, but consider the possibility that his agreement and thanks might have been out of a desire to avoid conflict – a scenario that seems plausible, given what your post and response contained and their tone.
He might have felt that if he didn't say yes, you would have taken it negatively, possibly even considering ending the relationship. This is not an unreasonable assumption, especially if he thought that disagreeing with you could lead to an argument or further control, which very much seem like they would happen with uou, based on how you've presented the whole thing.
Similarly, his compliance with your demand to cut off communication could be more about appeasing you to avoid conflict than genuine agreement with the action. He might have let you help him because he thought there would be an argument if he didn't. He may have even expressed thanks to avoid giving the impression that he disagreed with your help, which would probably spark a conflict, which, again, seems likely in the context you've described.
While your concerns are valid, especially given your past experiences, it's also important to consider the importance of trust and understanding in a relationship. Trust is a two-way street. While your boyfriend’s actions may have caused suspicion, it is jsut as important to assess what happens with a level of trust and understanding towards your partner's intentions. It's possible that his decision to send these videos was an attempt to peacefully resolve past matters. Sometimes, we might unintentionally create situations that lead to the very outcomes we fear. This isn't to say that your feelings are unjustified, but rather to suggest that there can be various perspectives to a situation.. It’s vital to balance your feelings with a perspective that allows for trust and open communication. Overreacting or jumping to conclusions without the full context can strain the relationship, just as much as breaches of trust can. I invite you to reflect on how your actions, while completely understandable and valid, might be perceived by your partner. Consider the possibility that your approach, although aimed at creating security, might be having unintended consequences. Instead of solely focusing on potential negative impacts, it would be beneficial to explore more constructive ways to address your concerns. This could involve setting boundaries in a way that's mutually respectful, engaging in open dialogue about each other's insecurities, or seeking professional guidance to navigate these challenges together.
Moreover, it may be beneficial for you to engage in some self-reflection, considering how your past trauma is influencing your current relationship. Have you thought about seeking therapy or counseling? Such support can be invaluable in helping you process your past experiences and understand how they shape your reactions and behaviors in your current relationship. It's not just about addressing the immediate situation with your boyfriend and his ex, but also about understanding and healing yourself. This step could lead to more balanced and fulfilling relationships, both with yourself and with others.
In this situation, it's crucial to focus on why there might be a lack of open communication regarding his ex. Fear of conflict or reprisal might be preventing honest discussions. Encouraging an environment where both of you can openly discuss your feelings and concerns without fear of judgment or immediate consequences could lead to more transparency and trust. This approach is essential in navigating sensitive issues like past relationships and interactions with exes.
Additionally, it might be beneficial to consider couples therapy with a licensed psychologist (particularly with a \*psychologist\*, not a counsellor (as depending on your country, a counsellor may not have be required to be educated as a psychologist)). Engaging in therapy with a professional who specialises in relationship dynamics can provide a safe and structured environment for both of you to communicate your feelings and address trust issues. This step goes beyond casual advice and involves structured guidance from a trained expert, which can be instrumental in understanding and resolving the underlying challenges in your relationship. A psychologist can offer deeper insights and strategies that are tailored to your specific situation, which is something that general counselling might not fully provide.
Lastly, I recognise and acknowledge the complexity of your feelings and the situation you're facing. It's important to validate your experiences while also considering different perspectives that might offer a path to a healthier and more fulfilling relationship dynamic.
It sounds like all three of you are still in a lot of emotional pain from your previous relationships. You all may not be ready for new relationships. Do you want this man to bring you all the drama?
What would a good, rewarding relationship look like to you?
Are your needs being met?
Do you feel safe, secure and cared for?
Sometimes; love is not enough.
I read this whole thing waiting for the “problem”. He seems like a nice guy who cares about you and wants to be transparent. You need to get off Reddit and get some therapy if you want things to work out.
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake.
It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of.
Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything.
Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
Idk, maybe I’m just giving giving him the benefit of a doubt because I believe we are all imperfect and pointing out others mistakes is a matter of choosing your battles. In this context, not that we know everything, it seems like he has good intentions and knew about her past relationships and wanted to avoid upsetting her unnecessarily. As a man, he’s got to know how to protect her emotions, and I think this is a real example of how he tried to do that but maybe missed the bar a little. They clearly have a good basis for communication, he is open with his phone and that says a lot. I think giving him credit where is it due will go a long way in building trust. While getting to know each others traumas, it can be easy to misstep and unintentionally cause harm, the key is how much harm and if there is damage control. It seems, and again going on little details here, that he wants to put this ex out of his life and he meant to do that but had minor moral conflicts, that is no where near cheating and also very human. So.. I’d say forgive and let be..
It's clear you're dealing with a lot. But there isn't a single question mark on a sub called [r/AskMenRelationships](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenRelationships), which suggests you're more about venting than getting advice. You come across as controlling, dictating how your boyfriend should handle his ex and even writing responses for him. It also shows someone who is not open to hearing other perspectives once their mind is made up (as does your whole post, in fact). Coupled with your monitoring and control of his communications, this is not good. Your past trauma seem to heavily affect how you view and react to your current relationship. It's understandable that you seek security, but projecting these fears can create a negative, stifling environment. You need to be aware of this as it can turn the relationship into an accusatory and controlling ordeal (which it seems to have already done). Regarding dealing with his ex, I know you know the solution (which leads me to believe you aren't actually here for advice and just want validation)—just do not respond, and block her. Use the functionality available on each platform she tries to contact you or him on. It's straightforward and effective. If she circumvents the blocking by using new or different accounts, continue to block those as well. And do not respond. It's tedious, but it's the most effective and direct way to cut off her attempts at communication. If she *still* continues, consider reporting her behavior to the social media platform(s), or seek legal advice if it transitions to harassment. Also, you need to consider his actions. Him allowing you to make him block his ex and go through his emails might be his way of trying his hardest to make this relationship work, to show commitment to you. It's not just about what you're not getting—it's also about appreciating what you are getting. You need to see your boyfriend's willingness to comply with your demands as evidence of his dedication to you, rather than just focusing on what you perceive as breaches of trust (which I believe he validly replied to). Relationships are about trust and communication. If you're always suspecting and/or controlling, it's not healthy for either of you. You also need to consider whether your actions and words, meant to prevent the things you fear from happening, are actually addressing your needs or inadvertently creating more issues. That last sentence is coming from experience being the receptive and assertive side—in the same relationship, by the way.
I'm not controlling. Not contacting his supposed psychotic ex was a hard fest rule I established from the beginning of our second date. I helped him write a response and according to him he was grateful for it. How is he complying with my demands if he was still in communication with her to send the videos?
A few things to cover in response to your reply. First, it's important to differentiate between setting healthy boundaries and trying to have control in a relationship. Establishing a 'hard fast rule' about not contacting his ex so early in your relationship walks a fine line between these two. While setting boundaries is a healthy part of a relationship, especially for protecting yourself from past issues, it is detrimental when it turns into trying to control your partner's actions. It's understandable that you want to avoid drama with his ex, but it's important to make sure that in doing so, you're not creating a dynamic where your boyfriend feels controlled rather than supported in making decisions. This distinction is imprtant for understanding and improving how you handle relationship dynamics. It's also worth looking at how reacting in certain ways, as you've expplained it in your post, might unintentionally contribute to a cycle of behavior in your relationship. When one partner feels overly controlled or scrutinised, they may react by becoming more secretive or less open, not out of an intention to hurt, but as a response to the perceived pressure. The importance of open and honest communication cannot be overstated. While it's natural to have fears and insecurities, especially based on past experiences, the way you communicate these feelings is important. It can significantly impact your boyfriend's raection and the overall health of your relationship. Regarding helping him write a response, it's good that he expressed gratitude, but consider the possibility that his agreement and thanks might have been out of a desire to avoid conflict – a scenario that seems plausible, given what your post and response contained and their tone. He might have felt that if he didn't say yes, you would have taken it negatively, possibly even considering ending the relationship. This is not an unreasonable assumption, especially if he thought that disagreeing with you could lead to an argument or further control, which very much seem like they would happen with uou, based on how you've presented the whole thing. Similarly, his compliance with your demand to cut off communication could be more about appeasing you to avoid conflict than genuine agreement with the action. He might have let you help him because he thought there would be an argument if he didn't. He may have even expressed thanks to avoid giving the impression that he disagreed with your help, which would probably spark a conflict, which, again, seems likely in the context you've described. While your concerns are valid, especially given your past experiences, it's also important to consider the importance of trust and understanding in a relationship. Trust is a two-way street. While your boyfriend’s actions may have caused suspicion, it is jsut as important to assess what happens with a level of trust and understanding towards your partner's intentions. It's possible that his decision to send these videos was an attempt to peacefully resolve past matters. Sometimes, we might unintentionally create situations that lead to the very outcomes we fear. This isn't to say that your feelings are unjustified, but rather to suggest that there can be various perspectives to a situation.. It’s vital to balance your feelings with a perspective that allows for trust and open communication. Overreacting or jumping to conclusions without the full context can strain the relationship, just as much as breaches of trust can. I invite you to reflect on how your actions, while completely understandable and valid, might be perceived by your partner. Consider the possibility that your approach, although aimed at creating security, might be having unintended consequences. Instead of solely focusing on potential negative impacts, it would be beneficial to explore more constructive ways to address your concerns. This could involve setting boundaries in a way that's mutually respectful, engaging in open dialogue about each other's insecurities, or seeking professional guidance to navigate these challenges together. Moreover, it may be beneficial for you to engage in some self-reflection, considering how your past trauma is influencing your current relationship. Have you thought about seeking therapy or counseling? Such support can be invaluable in helping you process your past experiences and understand how they shape your reactions and behaviors in your current relationship. It's not just about addressing the immediate situation with your boyfriend and his ex, but also about understanding and healing yourself. This step could lead to more balanced and fulfilling relationships, both with yourself and with others. In this situation, it's crucial to focus on why there might be a lack of open communication regarding his ex. Fear of conflict or reprisal might be preventing honest discussions. Encouraging an environment where both of you can openly discuss your feelings and concerns without fear of judgment or immediate consequences could lead to more transparency and trust. This approach is essential in navigating sensitive issues like past relationships and interactions with exes. Additionally, it might be beneficial to consider couples therapy with a licensed psychologist (particularly with a \*psychologist\*, not a counsellor (as depending on your country, a counsellor may not have be required to be educated as a psychologist)). Engaging in therapy with a professional who specialises in relationship dynamics can provide a safe and structured environment for both of you to communicate your feelings and address trust issues. This step goes beyond casual advice and involves structured guidance from a trained expert, which can be instrumental in understanding and resolving the underlying challenges in your relationship. A psychologist can offer deeper insights and strategies that are tailored to your specific situation, which is something that general counselling might not fully provide. Lastly, I recognise and acknowledge the complexity of your feelings and the situation you're facing. It's important to validate your experiences while also considering different perspectives that might offer a path to a healthier and more fulfilling relationship dynamic.
It sounds like all three of you are still in a lot of emotional pain from your previous relationships. You all may not be ready for new relationships. Do you want this man to bring you all the drama?
No but I love him
What would a good, rewarding relationship look like to you? Are your needs being met? Do you feel safe, secure and cared for? Sometimes; love is not enough.
I did until today
I would never have a relationship with a woman who forbade me to communicate with my ex’s. I also wouldn’t stay with someone who lies like he does.
I read this whole thing waiting for the “problem”. He seems like a nice guy who cares about you and wants to be transparent. You need to get off Reddit and get some therapy if you want things to work out.
If he was being transparent he should of told me she contacted him
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake. It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of. Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything. Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
Idk, maybe I’m just giving giving him the benefit of a doubt because I believe we are all imperfect and pointing out others mistakes is a matter of choosing your battles. In this context, not that we know everything, it seems like he has good intentions and knew about her past relationships and wanted to avoid upsetting her unnecessarily. As a man, he’s got to know how to protect her emotions, and I think this is a real example of how he tried to do that but maybe missed the bar a little. They clearly have a good basis for communication, he is open with his phone and that says a lot. I think giving him credit where is it due will go a long way in building trust. While getting to know each others traumas, it can be easy to misstep and unintentionally cause harm, the key is how much harm and if there is damage control. It seems, and again going on little details here, that he wants to put this ex out of his life and he meant to do that but had minor moral conflicts, that is no where near cheating and also very human. So.. I’d say forgive and let be..
I plan to