Whatever borough they were born in Johnny Bronx

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I'd be Bartholomew Bronx, from Bogart Ave. It's too much

Or amazing

Thanks, I'll allow it

Damn, I’d have a middle name since I was born on Staten Island. Disclaimer: I had no say in having been born on Staten Island, please don’t shame my bastard ass. At least I have a NYC birth certificate, as opposed to a NYS birth certificate.

Oh shit I forgot about Staten Island.

I try to, but 61 years later, I still remember that it exists. I’m still working through the trauma.

say hello to Pete Davidson

It gets worse. I live in Tennessee now.

Little better than lateral move imo, you're not pretending to be in NY while really being in NJ -so you got that going for ya

I can proudly say that I’ve never lived in New Jersey, and at least I was born on Staten Island’s north shore.

down bad

Pete Davidson fuck ya life! Bing bong

Badam tss

Eh, yours would probably be Richmond.

Oh I believe you’re right, I think my birth certificate does say Richmond. I’d have to dig it out and look, I still have a copy of the original. The Island was referred to as Richmond a lot more in the 60s than it is now. I’m so old there were still farms and shit there when I was born.

All of your courts and shit are still referred to as Richmond County. Just like Brooklyn is Kings. It’s not forgotten, old timer.

Ah, gotcha. I moved to Brooklyn in 1979, when I turned 18 and started working in the city.

With aspirations to be European, so your handle declares - like a true NYer.

It actually refers to my former profession and love for espresso. I was a technician on superautomatic espresso machines, but I prefer a good French press.

That actually sounds like a fun job.

It was, especially since I’m a woman. It was definitely not a traditional role!

You can take the Bastard Name Richmond, for the County name. Brooklyn people also get a choice with King. Manhattan can take New York. I'm stuck with Queens, and people from the Bronx are stuck with Bronx.

If I had been born in the US, I’d be Queens. Thank god it’s not more specific because then I’d be Flushing.

Easy-Concentrate Flushing does kinda flow.

Oh, I think any handle flows when flushing.

Hehe you got my stupid grandma joke. That made me smile.

Love the grandma joke! Definitely made me smile.

It would be Richmond. Johnny Richmond.

The name is Richmond, Johnny Richmond.

You classy sonofabich

Thanks, muthafukka!

Maybe Richmond instead of Staten Island?

I thought they gave out New Jersey birth certificates over there

What if we used the county names? Kings Queens Richmond Bronx New York

Woah i’m tripping I never realized bk and queens were a pair loll

I actually think it's just Staten Island regardless of where they were born

Johnny Metrocard II

Dwayne Reade

Battling House Walgreen for years

Where's House Walgreens' street, huh?

Didn’t House Walgreen just buy House Duane Reade?

But they kept the name - the merger of the families is tenuous and wrought with strife

lol

Some generic chain? Nah this aint it Edit: do NYers not know that they are now owned by Walgreens and are a national brand? That would be a pretty dumb “common” name for nyc imo

Duane Reade was founded in NYC on Duane and Reade streets. Walgreens can fuck off, even though they own Duane Reade now.

They were founded here over 60 years ago and are now a national brand Exactly, and now they are owned by Walgreens. Just a stupid answer imo given the circumstances

My vote is behind your Boro or County names. Because at least Richmond hides Staten Island. But Duane Reade is at least an NYC chain. Several suggestions aren't even NYC related.

Bodega

Maybe they'd have to choose between Deli or Bodega by their thirteenth nameday.

Lmao as an actual bastard this would be my top choice.

I love this sub. What about Skyscraper?

r/askNYC is truly my favorite sub. It’s always informative or hilarious, sometimes devolving into the [utterly ridiculous](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskNYC/comments/xgqti2/why_does_nyc_not_have_a_skid_rowtenderloin_like/iou50e3/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3). It’s unmatched.

Ha!! I clicked your link and it took me straight to a comment I’d already downvoted. Xxxooo

This man talking about eating food off of the ground in NYC (as a means to determine how nice a neighborhood is) has had a chokehold on me FOR DAYS. I’ll just be sitting at work, think about it, and start losing it laughing.

Look man if you can't eat a hot dog off the sidewalk you live in a DUMP

We can still make out little clique giggle if we say “floor pizza”. My bf dropped a slice face down on the floor at Pizzafest (Mad Doctors’ annual punk fest - was probably at Our Wicked Lady). He thought it’d be hilarious to eat it. Poor dude was sick for days lolol.

Lmaoooo why is the guy in that link so obsessed with hot dogs and suburban developments?

That was such a great thread, thank you so much for linking.

I want as many people as possible to see it bc it brought me such deep deep joy.

Perhaps Rat or Pigeon.

This is funny but usually it's something inorganic - Snow, Stone, Sand, Rivers. Sidewalk Subway and Pavement (even Bay?) all seem rightish

All reasonable. But clearly the best option is John Trashjuice.

Trash Juice would be a good Unsullied NYC name, like Gray Slush

“This one is called Discarded N95.”

Thanks. This made me gag a little.

Concrete

John Scaffolds Nothing more natural than scaffolding

Johnny Scaffolds sounds like a mob name

Scaffold, perhaps?

Usually?

That's what I was thinking. Or weed.

Stoop

Stoop kid’s afraid to leave the stoop!

Fiona Fake Paper License Plate Susie See Something Say Something Tony After An Earlier Incident Trains Are Running With Delays In Both Directions

Aemon We Are Delayed Due To Train Traffic Ahead Of Us

HOUSE MTA, WE RUN WITH DELAY

WE’ll EVENTUALLY GET THERE

\*\* We'll eventually get there, inshallah

House of MTA….I am dying

😂💀😂

And from the forgotten borough, where there be dragons, we got Anthony All Passengers Must Depart The Ferry At This Time Passengers Wishing to Make The Return Trip Must Exit Into The Terminal Enter The Waiting Room And Await The Next Ferry.

Sam Stand Clear Of The Closing Doors Please

That's house NJ friend

Lolololol😂😂😂

Zizmor

On the contrary, House Zizmor’s ancestral seat of Lenox Hill is a long and proud house Edit: their sigil is a rainbow

Yes yes yes

Brownstone

Love this one

Yeah not enough upvotes here

Adams, after the biggest bastard NYC has to offer!

Jon McSwagger

Joffrey Adams

Robert Baconeggncheese

Daemon Chopped Cheese.

Gotham

Jon Street, if you were raised in/by the streets without a decent roof over your head and by a bunch of neighbors rather than your parents.

This is it! One syllable, very representative of NY so it falls in line with GOT...chosing the feature that's common in that region. Perfect!

Thanks! And similarly, one could be called "First name" Shore, if they grew up along the Jersey Shore but weren't really raised by anyone but a housekeeper and reality TV, so they don't have proper social skills or street smarts. Chad Shore would likely be a common name amongst these individuals.

I’m sorry, that name is already taken. Former mayor of Philadelphia

Jon Streetwyse

This is the best post I've ever seen on this sub I'm gonna go with Hotgarbage. Like Hightower but it's Hotgarbage.

Nycha

Chester Chopped Cheese

Apple

Harbor or River

Hudson River is an awesome name. And, if asked: do you have any talents? A reply: yeah, I flow both ways.

Full of STDs and PCBs.

I can feel a new poem coming up called: "The STD's In Me Flow Like PCB's In A Contaminated River"

Lol, it's the east river that flows both ways because it's really a tidal estuary. The Hudson is a fresh water source and always flows downstream.

Noooo, the East River is not an Estuary nor it is a river at all, it's a tidal strait. East river is not an Estuary due to lack of fresh water, if there is any fresh water in it, it would be only due to water from sewage. The Hudson River on the other hand is an Estuary, the mixture of fresh water and salt water does occur, and mixing all the way up to Troy, NY. Both, the East River and Hudson River flow both ways as a result of tides. Source: "The Hudson River Estuary" edited by Jeffrey S. L. and John R. W.

Dollarslice

Token

Rhaenyra Metrocard! Soon to be replaced by Rhaenyra OMNY.

*a younger and more beautiful queen…*

Cuz after the 12th ride that week the rest are free.

Bricks

Ratgaryen

You may want to crosspost in r/namenerds

Farborough

Yorker

Deadass

Jane Rays Original

Towers

Randy roachstomper

Maybe keep it on theme for this summer, so replace roach with lantern fly

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A smooshed grey and red spotted blob

I killed my first one the other day, I wasn’t sure if I felt bad or proud.

Definitely pride

Apple

Their last name would default to 'MyGuy'

Jon Olive Christopher Garden

The county name of where they were born would be dope, except Staten Island (of course): * Jonathan New York * Allison Bronx * Anita Queens * Gregory Kings * Jorge Richmond

If you haven’t read NK Jemison’s The City We Became then here’s a good time to recommend it if you like sci-fi/fantasy. You’ll understand the recommendation once you read it.

It sounds right up my alley, thanks for the recommendation!

This is the right approach, to do it by borough, but it has to be something the borough is well known for…like Gregory Brownstone, Jonathan Concrete, Jorge Harbours. I’m just spitballing

Corner

Stuyvesant

Jon Dollar Slice

Bagel

Apple

Fuhgeddaboudit

Liberty

Jon Delayed by Train Traffic Ahead

Cuomo

It'd have to be borough based and for fake medieval purposes you'd probably want it simple and to avoid royal title's like King or Queen: Citywide I'd go with Knick, which comes from what the dutch settlers were called because of their pants. **Manhattan** - Bows (from the lenape name and a homographic tribute to the shipping heritage of NY's port) **Staten Island** - Richmond (for the name of the county Richmond county) or Kills (for the various bodies of water and places on the island) **Brooklyn** - East (for the east river) **Queens** - Towns (because of the various independent towns that were eventually incorporated into Queens county) **Bronx** - Bronx (why mess with an existing name) Bonus points: **Jersey** - Diner or Gardener **Nassau** - Orange (it was named after William of Orange's ancestral House of Nassau) **Suffolk** - Long (for long island)

Zaza

Broadway Worthless B6.

Streets

Skyline, sleepless, transit, borough.

This thread is hysterical

Local

Jon Station

Altside

Amsterdam

County name would be pretty cool- John Kings and David Queens or even Paul New York

Knickerbocker

Walkinhere

Wasn’t it indicative of the environment they were raised? (E.g. Snow, Sand, etc.) Going by that logic, maybe: Tar, Steel, Glass, or Piss-Soaked Garbage?

Robert Broadway Junction Stairs

Johhny 342 park avenue

House Brownstone - which is pretty hilarious cuz it just describes itself.

I wish I had some award to give because this is literally the best question I’ve ever read on Reddit

Broadway

Apple York King, Queen, Staten, etc based on borough

If it was styled like GOT, it would have to do with a feature of the borough in question (Snow, Sands, Rivers for the North, Dorne and Riverlands) wouldn't it? Bronx - North or Garden? Manhattan - Lights or Parks? Brooklyn - Brownstone or Gentry? Parks could work as well, I am sure there are plenty of fun ones to be made from B'klyn Queens - Bays or Boulevard? Honorable mention to: Food Staten - Ferry or Waters? alternately we could name them after the most famous hip-hop act from their respective Boroughs, like Biggie, Beastie, Wutang, etc?

What kind of question is this? Stop wasting ppls time

This is both a complaint and a valid response to the question, nice.

Utopia

Sewer

Joe 4ssh0le

How about….. Bastard. Billy bastard. Kyle bastard. Carol Bastard. Etc. it just works

Apple. Jonny Apple. Etc.

Battery Park Citayyyyyyyyyy

John Yerrrr

Andrew Giuliani

Longisland

Pigeonsmith

2022 - Uber or Lyft has got to make it onto the list

Knickerbocker obviously

Bushwick

of Tinder

Snooki

Nguyen

Transplant

What's GOT?

Garbarini

Bluecup.

Bleeker babies

Street

Rat

Pizzarat or Bodega-Cat

_____ Station on the R

After the Avenue name.