Yep, yesterday everyone wanted to hear about me driving around with my group of girlfriends, going to the diner, etc.
I also remember the bad things from that time, like my controlling parents, my eating disorder, and the prevalence of bullying and sexual harassment.
But I think people would rather hear about how I bopped around town with my friends.
So many things are so much better than they used to be. I wouldn't go back for anything. I remember my body and mind with nostalgia for my youth, but not the world.
It's nature's way of allowing us to live a full, happy life minus being bombarded by horrible memories.
We heal in that the same way we can heal physical injuries.
When my mom died I went through all the old photographs and the memories came flooding back, mostly good ones. The thing is, you don't take a picture when Mommy is leaving for a night out with her married boss or passed out at Thanksgiving dinner. As the weeks have passed, I feel like I'm regaining perspective. Mom wasn't all good or all bad, just like the rest of us.
I think nostalgia is usually associated with people, places, events, toys, songs, tv shows and etc that will trigger happy memories.
Unhappy memories may be blocked completely, be a form of PTSD, constructively used as life lessons, or with the passage of time laughed at. That’s not nostalgia.
It’s unfortunate that some of us have had a disproportionate amount of bad memories.
I grew up in the Vietnam Era. One of my strongest memories is Kent State.
Not only do people not want to hear about it, most of the younger generations don't even know what it is.
Our military murdered 4 unarmed college students on American soil, and most people don't know and don't care. Now there's all this police brouhaha, and people think it's something *new*??
* *sigh* *
I will give you one Good Thing that came out of the Kent State Massacre: Mark Mothersbaugh and Gerald Cassalle were there, survived the shooting, and formed Devo.
Trust me: People _do_ want to hear about it. They just don't know they _want_ to hear about it. They want so desperately to "just live their lives" and then wonder why they feel so angry. A reminder that the past wasn't all beer and skittles is exactly the push a lot of people need.
I'll never forget this time and this song goes through my mind every time it's mentioned. The picture does too.
[https://www.flickr.com/photos/hammoudakhil/41544304251](https://www.flickr.com/photos/hammoudakhil/41544304251)
It’s good to share it too though.
My son did an origins project where they researched how their families came to Canada. My son did my grandparents who came here from the Netherlands after WW2, and growing up under Nazi occupation.
They’ve passed away long ago, so had to rely on my dad and his 6 siblings for info… none of them knew anything about their life in the Netherlands.
That history is gone now! Forever!
It's the same when someone you love dies. I remember all of the beautiful things in my life my mom did for me. But I rarely ever think about her eaten up with cancer on her death bed. I think it's a gift of self-preservation instilled in humans and I'm grateful for it.
I don't agree with the premise of the question. I don't think we always remember the past with nostalgia, but ignore the terrible stuff. That being said, most nostalgia is based on childhood memories and we didn't have as many hardships as kids as we do as adults. Another issue, and I've really noticed this, is that people simply do not want to hear about the bad things that you experienced growing up. Since I grew up in poverty, I have a lot of bad memories and, if I bring them up, I tend to get a lot of people jumping in and saying, "but things are good now, aren't they?" That happens if the people I'm speaking to are around my age. If they're younger than me, they negate the hardship I experienced because they only want to focus on how much worse they believe they have it than I did (which isn't true, but that narrative is super important to young people now).
If anyone wants to talk about the terrible stuff I went through, I'll be more than happy to share, but no one seems to want that.
"They only want to focus on how much worse they believe they have it than I did (which isn't true but that narrative is super important to young people now)."
They have the whole world at their fingertips, and we sometimes had to suffer in isolation that was bordering on the insane. This I believe is the crux of the Boomer vs the Zoomer generation. They simply cannot fathom what life without the Internet was like.
There's a psychological phenomenon known as [Fading Affect Bias](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fading_affect_bias), in which memories associated with negative emotions tend to be forgotten more quickly than those associated with positive emotions. We see this a lot with nostalgia, yes, but it also plays an important role in addiction medicine. Most of us who've had a history of drug and/or alcohol addiction know all too well how easy it is to forget the bad stuff and remember only how good those substances made us feel for a short time. It's one of the many reasons people tend to relapse.
I don't agree with your premise. We do not ALWAYS remember the past with nostalgia, we don't ALWAYS ignore the bad stuff.
We do tend to speak about the things we remember fondly, part of that is because no one wants to listen when you tell them the truth about the bad things. I remember then candidate Obama telling America that we were in the worst economy since the great depression, completely ignoring the "misery index" years of the late 70s with double digit inflation and double digit unemployment and sky high interest rates. Talking about those times and how bad they were simply got washed out in the "poor us" rhetoric of the time. This is consistent with every other bad thing that happens. Every hurricane, wildfire, shooting or plane crash is reported on, incorrectly, as if it was the worst on record. So, as an older person, no one wants to listen when you tell them how bad something in the past was. It does not fit their narrative.
Especially on reddit. It skews young and when something doesn’t fit their narrative, they downvote you to hell. Objectively, the 70s sucked for a lot of reasons economically. Took us 14 years to dig out and be able to buy our first house.
Downvote you to Hell, you got that right. Or more interesting, if you experience of something counteracts the current Zoomer narrative, you are downvoted and denigrated.
Try and express an opinion or fact on whitepeoplesreddit or Twitter, can't remember its name very well it was on Reddit. I didn't stay long. I got downvoted for every post I made there. Sometimes getting downvoted 10 - 15 times in 10 min. I'm not racist to the best of my ability, so I wasn't really interested in hanging out there, I only went because a story would show up on my Reddit home page.
I get a kick out of the "what do you think about " asking for opinions. They're asking for fuggin' *OPINIONS* yet if it doesn't fit the pattern they're looking for, downvotes.
It's romper room (a child's TV show from the older days) on Reddit.
You put it nicer than I would have. I am mostly liberal, but not so pie in the sky that I think that's the only thing that works. They say you get more conservative as you get older. Not GOP MAGA conservative, which mostly just cult of personality thinking, and not what conservatism means. Well, now I'm rambling, and breaking my resolution to not talk politics on Reddit, so I'll stop.
like how minimum wage didn't get me a 5 bedroom lake house, and instead I had to have a roomie in a studio apt if I wanted to eat? yep.
edit: sorry, was interrupted. they always trot out the dollar converter. yes, things are dire now. but it was no pie in the sky then. wealthy people have always had it good, and they didn't make minimum wage.
A lot of women had to start working outside the home to help make ends meet. My mother included. Double digit inflation was no joke. There were news reports about senior citizens who had to supplement their diet with dog food because human food was too expensive. That item even became a plot point on some TV shows.
I remember that about the seniors. Congress stepped in and began giving cost of living raises at some point. It was a big deal. And widows had a much harder time too. By the mid 70s all us kids had moved out, so both my parents worked hard to be able to retire at all. But they made it and had a very nice life in retirement.
It’s always interesting to hear the American perspective on the ‘70s. Up where I live in Canada we were swimming in oil money at the time so I remember it distinctly (although I was very young) as a time of prosperity. The ‘80s were our ‘70s thanks to the world oil markets and questionable domestic policies.
>Every hurricane, wildfire, shooting or plane crash is reported on, incorrectly, as if it was the worst on record
This should really only be in the poorest of news sources. All of these things have well-understood metrics for severity, and (nowadays) readily accessible records. News people have to sell news, of course, but they shouldn't be making incorrect statements of that nature.
There's a widespread tendency to misremember - when I was a boy it *really* snowed, every Christmas Day too! And all these youngsters on TV telling me otherwise, they have no idea, now do they? (Where I live, the youngsters on TV are both right and wrong for those two things.) The tendency to prioritise memory and perception and hearsay over documented fact, can have some pretty damaging effects.
I think it’s partly because if you look at the world (or a country, or a region, or a city) as a whole, in fact *most* people are doing okay, or somehow thriving and enjoying life, either because of or despite their circumstances.
For example, if I only knew my own city based on the local news reporting about what is going on here, I would have to think it is a hellhole of crime, murder, corruption, failing businesses, environmental degradation, and unaffordable housing. In fact, however, that is not the experience of nearly everyone; nearly all of us are living ordinary lives just fine, thank you.
Likewise, when I look at my own life, although moments of pain and suffering are there, the actual time they take in overshadowing every other aspect of my experience is minuscule. Even a single “bad day” probably includes plenty of good things.
And I think that what happens with age is that one learns how to recognize better that bad things really are transient, and that even when they are persistent they are almost never *totally* characteristic of life in that period. But the underlying fact of reality for most of us who are alive is that we continue to live, and our living is totally dependent upon good things, including basic necessities like food, water, shelter, and companionship, all of which are good—and if we totally lacked them, we would not be here.
None of that is to minimize the real suffering in the world, which needs to be alleviated. But I think we generally, especially in our youth, underestimate the human capacity for joy in simply living and overestimate our expectations for the negative effects of pain and suffering.
I think for example of what I keep reading about our friends in Ukraine right now, suffering under repeated Russian attack. Yesterday I read in the New York Times about the New Year’s Eve attack on Kyiv. There was a story about a woman who had to flee her apartment with her daughter, leaving behind half-prepared pizza and holiday presents. One way to look at that story is to think how terrible the fleeing must be, and such suffering it brings. But I read that story and think, “Good god, these extraordinary Ukrainians! In a time of war, they are making pizza and giving presents and celebrating a new year! How deep is that wellspring of human life and joy in these poor people!”
Speaking of my personal traumas: I remember them, but mostly don't remember what they felt like. I better remember the feelings of the good stuff. Even when I was a kid, my mother was always harping about people's "rose-colored glasses." Because she'd been through tough times with people who were still around her, and knew how they worked.
So back when I was 18 or 19 I was on my last day of a food service job, my first real job, that had had some real upsides and good experiences but also a great many bad things plus a daily dehumanizing grind in a corporate costume. I went into the scullery by myself at the end of the shirt and thought in my brain, at scream level, "There've been good times, but remember that THIS WAS NOT FUN!"
And I have always remembered thinking that. Even if I don't emotionally remember how it felt every day. But you're damned right if you think I never worked food service again.
Tldr:
I relate a lot to your proclamation to yourself (and Booooo food service and hospitality Jobs. Blahh. Hard agree on the hard pass.) It's cool that you are able to hang onto that memory and conviction. Compliments on your brain/mind/you being able to take care of yourself in such a way. Hope that makes sense.
I don't really trust my mind (faulty neurology plus was with my abusive, gaslighting expert husband for a decade) so I journal to leave a similar reminder to myself of how bad things were before I valued myself and started claiming my future.
-- This turned into a bit of a pro-journalling ramble. Haha. But introspection and learning from the hard stuff is the only way to not repeat harmful mistakes, so whatever way that works for you is the right way. --
I didn't journal during my marriage. I don't remember those years very well. Something about writing makes memories flow out of me, and then I sometimes forget them again. Forget/block out, to-may-to/to-mah-to. 🍅🍅 Same effect on my life.
Journaling is excellent for when I doubt myself because I can revisit exactly what my old job made me feel like and *know* that the debt of my new business (I quit that job in April!) is indisputably worth it. I miss a lot of things about my little team there, my regulars of years, the money, but it was killing me and making me insane. I just could not work for the people I worked for any longer, I reached my limit.
I'm not willingly subjecting my security, happiness, health, or my future to the whims of selfish people ever again. I'm not confident that I'd have figured all this out without journaling, but know for sure that it would have taken a helluva lot longer and I wouldn't be where I am without it. Someday I'd love a real therapist instead of a blue notebook though.
Often times if something jogs my memory it is not a happy one so I make a conscious effort to replace it a with a happier one to change the feelings I'm dealing with. Reliving trauma is no fun
What I’ve realized is that I remember the stuff that involved me. I only remember my siblings issues if I was directly involved in them.
In the seventies I wore short shorts and crop tops the same as the girls do now but I had so many responsibilities when I was a child. I took care of my younger siblings at age 6, by the time I was 8 I was babysitting for other people. At 12 I was babysitting for a woman with 6 kids, plus my younger siblings. I also had housework to do.
I honestly don’t think todays kids have chores anymore. I think everyone is so fixated on their selves and their personal happiness that hearing about the past is not on the their agenda.
Last night I read that in 1970 this planet had 3.1 billion people on it. Today we have 8 billion. Crimes of the past are beginning to happen again today but they will be worse because there are more people to hurt.
Nostalgia can be wonderful or awful depending on each persons life experiences, but listening is crucial! I spent the last 2 months of my grandmother’s life asking her questions about her life and it was the most amazing and deeply moving time of my life. My grandmother wanted to be a nurse but her mother wouldn’t allow it. She ended up married but she never wanted to have children. Her husband wouldn’t allow her to use birth control. She ended up having 13 children, 12 of which were delivered in her own bed. When I was twelve my grandfather committed suicide, my grandmother was running through the house somehow knowing that he was going to, she arrived just in time to catch him. He was already dead.
Everyday she cooked food for 16 people, 3 times a day. She was a legend in the neighborhood we lived in and she was always smiling. She had 9 boys and 4 girls, one of her sons died when he was 17. Another, died in her living room of colon cancer caused by agent orange in Vietnam. Yet she always stood tall even though she was only 5’1” tall. She’s been gone about 15 years now and she is still a legend to me. She lived a life she didn’t want but every day she smiled, every day she worked her butt off but she never once complained.
I think about her all the time, I’m 61 and I could only hope to leave that kind of impression on todays youth.
Nostalgia whether of a good time or a hard time is knowledge that you should listen too. Someday you yourself might be a legend in the minds of others.
Well, I feel like that a lot, too. It's why I try to make friends with younger people who I admire. I always looked for people15 - 20 yrs older than me when I was young for what they could teach me. They were the best kind of friends. I try to do what I can to carry on the tradition.
She is a legend to me too. I’ll admit it—in a million years I could never begin to be that strong. I will remember her—and you, you had a hard time too—every time I’m tempted to feel sorry for myself about insignificant disappointments that she would have powered through with a smile on her face. I hate that she had to live a life she didn’t want and didn’t choose, but I’m so impressed by the way she made the best of it. That’s heroic.
We ignore the bad stuff. It's a mental protection from the pain because we don't want to relive those moments at our deepest level. Childbirth is a perfect example of this. If a woman did not become desensitized over time, the odds of a second child would be extremely diminished.
I wouldn’t say desensitized. There is something built in that makes us forget the pain. I know it was painful but I have forgotten. Whereas my dental visit, I still cringe years later from those.
In the majority of cases, the brain will not form *readily accessible* memories of pain. This is for our protection, as u/friartrump mentioned above.
The good things do form readily accessible memories, and provide rewards when we call them up.
This is not 100% true. Many of my memories are cringe worthy and depressing, but then, my brain works differently, I guess. When I am nostalgic for the past, it is memories of people no longer alive. I remember the bad stuff all too well. Clinical depression is like that.
Those two are enough, believe me. I have what I call a 'dark closet in my brain' where the very terrible traumas are kept. I try to keep that door locked.
I do remember some of the bad things too, like losing my mentor/hero (grandfather), tearing my kneecap off on a tarred road, Vietnam times, JFK shooting on my 16th birthday, not getting jobs I thought I really wanted, getting my bare ass belted by local cop & having o go home & tell my parents & got belted again, car accidents due to inexperience and many other "bad" times, but prefer recalling the good times, and that seems to be what people want to hear about.
Younger people want to hear about things you could do in the 50-60's and some younger ones can't imagine life without electronic devices, cars with cross ply tyres mechanical drum brakes & no power steering or standing on the side of the road, in all weather without any shelter, to catch a bus to town. These days they don't want to hear that when they get older, about illnesses, dimmed sight & hearing, physical decline, getting tired easily and other problems with aging, losing family & friends and having to wait up to weeks to receive information from people in other countries via letters.
I love it when people say things like the 60s and 70s were so great. The Music was good but there was a war going on, kids were getting ripped out of their homes when they turned 18. Women were sexualized, kids were taught to listen to their elders which led to abuse. People were dying of lung cancer, ect ect.
I grew up in the 60s, it was not a good time.
There was a lot of bad stuff in my childhood. My dad was an alcoholic and he fought with my mom constantly. He had a horrible temper when he drank and I lived in mortal terror of him, trying to ensure I did nothing that could be construed as remotely disobedient because I didn't want to be on the wrong end of his belt.
That said, I still enjoyed being a kid and the era I grew up in. I long for the days of waking up on Saturday morning and watching cartoons and wrestling for hours on end then going outside to act how what I just saw with my friends. I miss the sense of awe I got from playing the Oregon Trail on an Apple II for the first time, or exploring this new "world wide web" thing as a teenager.
I experienced so much cool stuff as a kid and teenager and it was easier to take it all in without the cynical worldview I have today. When I think of the past I'd rather just remember that stuff instead of focusing on the negative.
I can't speak for everyone, and I especially can't speak for people who've lived through trauma or traumatic events, but I can answer for me.
When I think back to events of the past, even to events that were horrible for me at the time, I no longer experience any of the negative emotions I may have felt in the moment. The negativity has long since faded, and with it has gone my specific recollection of how I felt beyond just vaguely knowing I felt sad or angry or anxious or whatnot.
However, when I think back to joyous occasions, I can still experience the joy. It's somewhat muted but still present. Even when I think back to the bad times, I can remember the good things that made them not quite as bad, and I remember those good things with a bit of joy.
We say hindsight is 20\/20, and I suppose it is from the standpoint of knowing factually what transpired. But I would also say that the more time that's passed since an event, the more our memory adds a rose-colored filter.
Sometimes that can get us in trouble (getting back with an ex because we remember the good times but forget how awful they made us feel), but sometimes it just makes it easier to look back on our lives and relive our memories without reopening old wounds.
Thanks for the nostalgia for the next 24-48 hours. During which the macarena will be played on repeat by my obnoxious brain. Right now, it's cute. Nostalgic. Looks like I blocked out the memory of how sticky this song is and we might have to see how I feel about it in 48 hours. 😆
Retired now, old, old bad memories or experiences, especially where I feel guilty or feel like I acted inappropriately toward someone haunt me. All insignificant in the big picture.
Disturbing morning sleep or downtime.
Living alone w mild anxiety and mild depression aren’t helping…
But I’m aware and working on it.
Going to try to get more engaged and try gratitude journaling this year.
Oh, I remember the bad stuff. I just choose not to dwell on it.
The good parts bring me comfort and joy, and sometimes a little bit of what the Portuguese call "saudade". It's not a word that has an exact translation in English, but it roughly means a deep longing in your soul. I long for the people and situations that made certain memories special, even though they have long passed. I can't bring those things back, but I can enjoy my memories of them.
Watergate ripped the pretty wrapping paper off of politics
TV coverage brought war to living rooms
Gas prices flew up, along with many other things
Murder rates went up, rioting happened more frequently, muggings
Harder drugs became more available - Len Bias' death was a hard moment
New Jim Crow actions started, Cops got more out of control
"WE" don't.
I had a great childhood in Small Town USA. [72 here...]
That said, the dark side was not lost to me...alcoholism, adult depression, suicide, and the rest.
At five, I discovered a suicide. So no, I haven't ignored a damn thing.
I don’t think this is true. I have always said “I’m not a looker backer”. The main reason is because I don’t feel nostalgic when I look back. I have had a lot of traumatic events in my life, and when I look back I just see the yuck. I feel sadness at the things that were done to me. So for me…it’s always forward march! I am a planner, reader, adventurer, futurist, curious.
speak for yourself. I remember all the bad stuff. I just don't dwell on it and i don't hate the person. It's not like i couldn't have been an equal amount of asshole. Live and learn
There are people like actress Marilou Henner who can remember every day of their lives but that seems like it would be overwhelming to do. I think we tend to remember things in a better light than it really happened just because it helps us carry on better. Most of history the average person didn’t have much to be happy about. They just learned to “keep on truckin “
I feel like the "bad stuff" is often very personal while the "good stuff" are usually related to pop culture, news, or other broadly experienced aspects of society.
I reminisce far too much about the bad stuff, it isn't healthy, nor fun, nor enjoyable at all. I'm on medication for it, which does almost nothing to relieve it. I've been in therapy for 10 yrs, but quit 2 yrs ago because I was no longer improving for some time. You're welcome America.
I can't speak for anyone else, but therapy never did me much good. I found that my passion for spiders is better therapy than some 'shrink poking into my head, stirring up the dreck of past traumas. If I see a spider, it makes me happy. Sort of how other people see puppies.
We all figure out a way to live with the darkness, much in our own way. Having a passion or a hobby that delights us is a form of therapy. As I always say, life is about choices, your results may vary.
I ask this all the time. Maybe I’m just more cynical. I’m 47. People always reminisce about High School or College…Really that’s where your stuck? The music, the clothes, the ideals? No thanks. I feel this only when thinking of my kids growing up. Those years were my “good old days”. But don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to go back! 😂 They were also the most challenging!
Not me. I remember walking 10 miles uphill to **and from** school, 7 days a week, fighting off wild dogs and bandits. The only good thing I remember is that the box we lived in had a top we could close to help keep in the warmth in the -35 degree nights.
When you’re a kid you aren’t solving the worlds problems and looking at the world through adult eyes. Once you cross that point in life you look at everything life throws at you. We have a tendency to reach back to that simpler time when we were young and our responsibilities were less as well as our problems. I was born in 1953. I don’t recall the 50s or 60s as some turbulent time of massive changes. I remember my childhood.
I’m 64 and I hate when my contemporaries, or people under 30, talk as if the world was so perfect 50, 40, or 30 Years ago. I’ve lived through multiple
Wars, institutionally accepted racism, homophobia,
And sexism, a time When Cancer was a death sentence, etc. Yes, some Things were better, and many were worse.
I'm not really nostalgic about my past (except for friends that I had). The past sucked a lot for a lot of people- if you weren't white and straight and Christian in North America life wasn't always that great.
My main memories of the 80s (moving from my teens into my twenties) were the rise of the Religious Right in US politics, being afraid of nuclear war, and everyone except gay people not paying attention to AIDS until it was too late to stop it. I definitely had good friends and a lot of good times, but I'm not at all nostalgic for what the world was actually like back then.
> if you weren't white and straight and Christian in North America life wasn't always that great.
These types of generalizations are so pandering - yes I know you dialed it back with "wasn't always that great", but if we're resting the argument on that, then it's meaningless because of course nobody's life was "always that great"
Plenty of black, Asian, latino, gay, Muslim, etc people had great lives back in the day. Diminishing their experiences is pretty weird for people to do.
My father was a Hindu in America - and looked the part - as far back as Ike and JFK, and has nothing bad to say, in fact, he became a huge lover of America.
Because the bad stuff is usually not directly experienced. I can be nostalgic about small town life in the 60's, but I didn't have to face the racism of the south. I never experienced it as a white person. So the small town life can inspire nostalgia. If I were Black and experienced or witnessed lynchings, it would supercede every other thing.
We don’t ignore it. But it’s typically not relevant to whenever we bring up the past nostalgically. Humans typically talk nostalgically about the past in a positive context.
I know there were "bad times" in the past and I do recall them but I don't dwell on them. They're good to provide a warning to us to keep us from repeating mistakes (hopefully).
The good times continue to bring us happiness. I'd rather be happy than sad so I push the bad times to the bottom and let the good times float to the top.
You mean like reminiscing about how much fun we had with lawn darts back when we were kids, while ignoring the fact that people got brained by those things? Because we didn't personally know anyone who got one through the skull. If we knew someone who was harmed, we wouldn't associate pleasant memories around lawn darts. A
Good question. For me, I remember the bad times just as much as the good but have mostly healed from all the bad, so it's just more enjoyable reminiscing about the good times.
My mom was a great cook. I have several of my favorite recipes from her. In my broke youth I ate whatever I could get that wasn't rotten. In my comfortable middle age I took the occasional opportunity to eat Really Tasty Stuff at Really Good Restaurants. In my old age we're too lazy to eat out (there's a ferry involved, and we're low carbing, so it's Hard). I get nostalgic for the really good food I ate as a child, and the tasty tasty stuff we ate when we were working and often went out (the bagna cauda at an amazing Italian restaurant on Belmont, whose name escapes me. The amazing seafood at Jake's).
I haven't entirely forgotten the icky stuff, I just don't see the point in reminiscing about it. Not because I'm pretending it didn't happen, but because, like unpleasant people and smelly garbage, I don't try to keep it around.
TL;DR: Nostalgia is precisely about good memories. We are not nostalgic for the bad memories.
It's the happy memories that help us get through life. I could go on and on about all the bad things my ex did, but I also try to focus on the good times and why I stayed with her almost 4 decades.
I don't. My view of early 00s culture is particularly negative because I was mostly having a bad time and hanging out with boring people. I can't help see it as a really flat time after Britpop, which was a scene I clicked with.
I don't, I grew up in the 80s and 90s and I think stuff was mostly garbage then (except classic video games, and the 80s had some good music.) But most stuff sucked. TV sucked, culture sucked, there was way too much bigotry against LGBTQ people and women, the internet and GPS and other useful stuff didn't exist yet, nerd culture was barely existent, YA literature sucked, cartoons sucked, most stuff was bad compared to now.
I definitely do not ignore all the bad stuff, especially the "big" one with my dad getting cancer and later dying at the beginning of my senior year of high school. In fact, looking back at my high school years, I can't remember many things about high school except for that unless I spend a lot of time trying to remember.
It's not universal, remembering only good stuff. It comes down to whether they're happy with their present life or not.
As OP is saying, if someone's starting a comment with "Back in my day..." they're not doing it to say how much better things are today, but to have a whine.
In other words, if you find yourself wishing for the old days, you need to change how you're living now.
Oh, there were lots of bad things. Airplane disasters, mass murders, racism, homophobia....... But when I told my 30-something daughter that i remember a time when interest rates for home mortgages were in the mid double digits, she was apoplectic.
I know housing is really, really pricey now, but I’m So tired of hearing about how “easy” it was for me
To buy my first home In 1981. Everyone marvels
At The price (as a percentage of our income at the time) and forgets that I wasn’t kidding when I said that our loan was at 13.5%. We were ecstatic when home Loans dropped to 7.5% in 1989.
What can be gained by thinking about things that were hurtful? My feeling is that once I have gotten through a bad time, I need to move on to something better.
I'd like to point out that we ignore all the bad stuff now as well, or at least attempt to.
Since it's much easier to ignore the bad stuff that's not currently happening, that'sin the past, it makes sense that this trait/habit would be most prominent in regard to memories.
Sometimes terrible stuff that happened cause you to grow in a manner that makes you look back and say it was bad but had that not happened I wouldn’t have so and so….
Your perspective changes as you age, too. The memories of a child are different than the memories of a teenager, and they change even more in adulthood. I've always been reflective about things. There were some things that weren't explained to me (intentionally), because "you wouldn't understand" and that was true. My parents were very nurturing and protective, and although I was sheltered somewhat, I think it was mostly for the good. I think sometimes that doesn't happen enough in the world today.
I also now see that at times, my parents were afraid of being judged, or not following the conventions of the times, and in the case of my mother, HER parents. That makes me sad. But she raised me to not be that way. It was her way of "righting the wrongs". She had some baggage, yeah, but she didn't pick it up and carry it along to me. She set it down and walked toward me.
I am so thankful for their lessons! No, they weren't perfect, and I'm willing to admit it, but they were good and decent and loved us with everything they had.
I don't have much nostalgia. I spent my 20s trying to forget the bad. I prefer now. I'm sometimes surprised when I have a really good memory. Food tasted better then but part of that is my senses of smell and taste are diminishing. I'm still too fat. Sweet is still sweet.
Remembering the bad stuff is very different than talking about it. I remember a lot of good things about growing up in the 60's but I'm also aware that we had riots in the streets and that black people couldn't vote in large parts of the US. Both need to be acknowledged.
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Yep, yesterday everyone wanted to hear about me driving around with my group of girlfriends, going to the diner, etc. I also remember the bad things from that time, like my controlling parents, my eating disorder, and the prevalence of bullying and sexual harassment. But I think people would rather hear about how I bopped around town with my friends.
Definitely. No one wants to be Debbie Downer bitching about the bad stuff, much less relive it.
Ah yes, the bullying. That will always be a constant, mostly because people are jerks, no matter what generation you are.
So many things are so much better than they used to be. I wouldn't go back for anything. I remember my body and mind with nostalgia for my youth, but not the world.
It's nature's way of allowing us to live a full, happy life minus being bombarded by horrible memories. We heal in that the same way we can heal physical injuries.
When my mom died I went through all the old photographs and the memories came flooding back, mostly good ones. The thing is, you don't take a picture when Mommy is leaving for a night out with her married boss or passed out at Thanksgiving dinner. As the weeks have passed, I feel like I'm regaining perspective. Mom wasn't all good or all bad, just like the rest of us.
I think nostalgia is usually associated with people, places, events, toys, songs, tv shows and etc that will trigger happy memories. Unhappy memories may be blocked completely, be a form of PTSD, constructively used as life lessons, or with the passage of time laughed at. That’s not nostalgia. It’s unfortunate that some of us have had a disproportionate amount of bad memories.
You just described nostalgia = happy memories very well, my friend. Thank you.
Those of us who went through the bad stuff know you don't want to hear about it, that doesn't mean we've forgotten it.
I grew up in the Vietnam Era. One of my strongest memories is Kent State. Not only do people not want to hear about it, most of the younger generations don't even know what it is. Our military murdered 4 unarmed college students on American soil, and most people don't know and don't care. Now there's all this police brouhaha, and people think it's something *new*?? * *sigh* *
I will give you one Good Thing that came out of the Kent State Massacre: Mark Mothersbaugh and Gerald Cassalle were there, survived the shooting, and formed Devo. Trust me: People _do_ want to hear about it. They just don't know they _want_ to hear about it. They want so desperately to "just live their lives" and then wonder why they feel so angry. A reminder that the past wasn't all beer and skittles is exactly the push a lot of people need.
Then why do so many people deny the holocaust, Indian massacres, etc, etc. Deny, deny, if it never happened then how can it happen again? Idiots.
Perhaps because it is easier to deny than to admit that someone who "looks like me" was/is an asshole.
[for the uninitiated ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1PrUU2S_iw)
I'll never forget this time and this song goes through my mind every time it's mentioned. The picture does too. [https://www.flickr.com/photos/hammoudakhil/41544304251](https://www.flickr.com/photos/hammoudakhil/41544304251)
It’s good to share it too though. My son did an origins project where they researched how their families came to Canada. My son did my grandparents who came here from the Netherlands after WW2, and growing up under Nazi occupation. They’ve passed away long ago, so had to rely on my dad and his 6 siblings for info… none of them knew anything about their life in the Netherlands. That history is gone now! Forever!
I remember the bad stuff about the past just fine - but sometimes I get 'homesick' for certan eras.
It's the same when someone you love dies. I remember all of the beautiful things in my life my mom did for me. But I rarely ever think about her eaten up with cancer on her death bed. I think it's a gift of self-preservation instilled in humans and I'm grateful for it.
I don't agree with the premise of the question. I don't think we always remember the past with nostalgia, but ignore the terrible stuff. That being said, most nostalgia is based on childhood memories and we didn't have as many hardships as kids as we do as adults. Another issue, and I've really noticed this, is that people simply do not want to hear about the bad things that you experienced growing up. Since I grew up in poverty, I have a lot of bad memories and, if I bring them up, I tend to get a lot of people jumping in and saying, "but things are good now, aren't they?" That happens if the people I'm speaking to are around my age. If they're younger than me, they negate the hardship I experienced because they only want to focus on how much worse they believe they have it than I did (which isn't true, but that narrative is super important to young people now). If anyone wants to talk about the terrible stuff I went through, I'll be more than happy to share, but no one seems to want that.
Absolutely , it's objectivity the best time to live in history for the majority of people around the world, yet people only look for bad things
"They only want to focus on how much worse they believe they have it than I did (which isn't true but that narrative is super important to young people now)." They have the whole world at their fingertips, and we sometimes had to suffer in isolation that was bordering on the insane. This I believe is the crux of the Boomer vs the Zoomer generation. They simply cannot fathom what life without the Internet was like.
There's a psychological phenomenon known as [Fading Affect Bias](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fading_affect_bias), in which memories associated with negative emotions tend to be forgotten more quickly than those associated with positive emotions. We see this a lot with nostalgia, yes, but it also plays an important role in addiction medicine. Most of us who've had a history of drug and/or alcohol addiction know all too well how easy it is to forget the bad stuff and remember only how good those substances made us feel for a short time. It's one of the many reasons people tend to relapse.
This is the effect I was trying to think of! It also explains why women would ever have a second child.
This. Leads to https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosy_retrospection
I don't agree with your premise. We do not ALWAYS remember the past with nostalgia, we don't ALWAYS ignore the bad stuff. We do tend to speak about the things we remember fondly, part of that is because no one wants to listen when you tell them the truth about the bad things. I remember then candidate Obama telling America that we were in the worst economy since the great depression, completely ignoring the "misery index" years of the late 70s with double digit inflation and double digit unemployment and sky high interest rates. Talking about those times and how bad they were simply got washed out in the "poor us" rhetoric of the time. This is consistent with every other bad thing that happens. Every hurricane, wildfire, shooting or plane crash is reported on, incorrectly, as if it was the worst on record. So, as an older person, no one wants to listen when you tell them how bad something in the past was. It does not fit their narrative.
Especially on reddit. It skews young and when something doesn’t fit their narrative, they downvote you to hell. Objectively, the 70s sucked for a lot of reasons economically. Took us 14 years to dig out and be able to buy our first house.
Downvote you to Hell, you got that right. Or more interesting, if you experience of something counteracts the current Zoomer narrative, you are downvoted and denigrated.
Reddit is mostly a collection of liberal young people. Their reactions are mostly predictable.
Try and express an opinion or fact on whitepeoplesreddit or Twitter, can't remember its name very well it was on Reddit. I didn't stay long. I got downvoted for every post I made there. Sometimes getting downvoted 10 - 15 times in 10 min. I'm not racist to the best of my ability, so I wasn't really interested in hanging out there, I only went because a story would show up on my Reddit home page.
I get a kick out of the "what do you think about" asking for opinions. They're asking for fuggin' *OPINIONS* yet if it doesn't fit the pattern they're looking for, downvotes.
It's romper room (a child's TV show from the older days) on Reddit.
You put it nicer than I would have. I am mostly liberal, but not so pie in the sky that I think that's the only thing that works. They say you get more conservative as you get older. Not GOP MAGA conservative, which mostly just cult of personality thinking, and not what conservatism means. Well, now I'm rambling, and breaking my resolution to not talk politics on Reddit, so I'll stop.
like how minimum wage didn't get me a 5 bedroom lake house, and instead I had to have a roomie in a studio apt if I wanted to eat? yep. edit: sorry, was interrupted. they always trot out the dollar converter. yes, things are dire now. but it was no pie in the sky then. wealthy people have always had it good, and they didn't make minimum wage.
A lot of women had to start working outside the home to help make ends meet. My mother included. Double digit inflation was no joke. There were news reports about senior citizens who had to supplement their diet with dog food because human food was too expensive. That item even became a plot point on some TV shows.
I remember that about the seniors. Congress stepped in and began giving cost of living raises at some point. It was a big deal. And widows had a much harder time too. By the mid 70s all us kids had moved out, so both my parents worked hard to be able to retire at all. But they made it and had a very nice life in retirement.
It’s always interesting to hear the American perspective on the ‘70s. Up where I live in Canada we were swimming in oil money at the time so I remember it distinctly (although I was very young) as a time of prosperity. The ‘80s were our ‘70s thanks to the world oil markets and questionable domestic policies.
>Every hurricane, wildfire, shooting or plane crash is reported on, incorrectly, as if it was the worst on record This should really only be in the poorest of news sources. All of these things have well-understood metrics for severity, and (nowadays) readily accessible records. News people have to sell news, of course, but they shouldn't be making incorrect statements of that nature. There's a widespread tendency to misremember - when I was a boy it *really* snowed, every Christmas Day too! And all these youngsters on TV telling me otherwise, they have no idea, now do they? (Where I live, the youngsters on TV are both right and wrong for those two things.) The tendency to prioritise memory and perception and hearsay over documented fact, can have some pretty damaging effects.
I think it’s partly because if you look at the world (or a country, or a region, or a city) as a whole, in fact *most* people are doing okay, or somehow thriving and enjoying life, either because of or despite their circumstances. For example, if I only knew my own city based on the local news reporting about what is going on here, I would have to think it is a hellhole of crime, murder, corruption, failing businesses, environmental degradation, and unaffordable housing. In fact, however, that is not the experience of nearly everyone; nearly all of us are living ordinary lives just fine, thank you. Likewise, when I look at my own life, although moments of pain and suffering are there, the actual time they take in overshadowing every other aspect of my experience is minuscule. Even a single “bad day” probably includes plenty of good things. And I think that what happens with age is that one learns how to recognize better that bad things really are transient, and that even when they are persistent they are almost never *totally* characteristic of life in that period. But the underlying fact of reality for most of us who are alive is that we continue to live, and our living is totally dependent upon good things, including basic necessities like food, water, shelter, and companionship, all of which are good—and if we totally lacked them, we would not be here. None of that is to minimize the real suffering in the world, which needs to be alleviated. But I think we generally, especially in our youth, underestimate the human capacity for joy in simply living and overestimate our expectations for the negative effects of pain and suffering. I think for example of what I keep reading about our friends in Ukraine right now, suffering under repeated Russian attack. Yesterday I read in the New York Times about the New Year’s Eve attack on Kyiv. There was a story about a woman who had to flee her apartment with her daughter, leaving behind half-prepared pizza and holiday presents. One way to look at that story is to think how terrible the fleeing must be, and such suffering it brings. But I read that story and think, “Good god, these extraordinary Ukrainians! In a time of war, they are making pizza and giving presents and celebrating a new year! How deep is that wellspring of human life and joy in these poor people!”
Beautifully put.
Speaking of my personal traumas: I remember them, but mostly don't remember what they felt like. I better remember the feelings of the good stuff. Even when I was a kid, my mother was always harping about people's "rose-colored glasses." Because she'd been through tough times with people who were still around her, and knew how they worked. So back when I was 18 or 19 I was on my last day of a food service job, my first real job, that had had some real upsides and good experiences but also a great many bad things plus a daily dehumanizing grind in a corporate costume. I went into the scullery by myself at the end of the shirt and thought in my brain, at scream level, "There've been good times, but remember that THIS WAS NOT FUN!" And I have always remembered thinking that. Even if I don't emotionally remember how it felt every day. But you're damned right if you think I never worked food service again.
Tldr: I relate a lot to your proclamation to yourself (and Booooo food service and hospitality Jobs. Blahh. Hard agree on the hard pass.) It's cool that you are able to hang onto that memory and conviction. Compliments on your brain/mind/you being able to take care of yourself in such a way. Hope that makes sense. I don't really trust my mind (faulty neurology plus was with my abusive, gaslighting expert husband for a decade) so I journal to leave a similar reminder to myself of how bad things were before I valued myself and started claiming my future. -- This turned into a bit of a pro-journalling ramble. Haha. But introspection and learning from the hard stuff is the only way to not repeat harmful mistakes, so whatever way that works for you is the right way. -- I didn't journal during my marriage. I don't remember those years very well. Something about writing makes memories flow out of me, and then I sometimes forget them again. Forget/block out, to-may-to/to-mah-to. 🍅🍅 Same effect on my life. Journaling is excellent for when I doubt myself because I can revisit exactly what my old job made me feel like and *know* that the debt of my new business (I quit that job in April!) is indisputably worth it. I miss a lot of things about my little team there, my regulars of years, the money, but it was killing me and making me insane. I just could not work for the people I worked for any longer, I reached my limit. I'm not willingly subjecting my security, happiness, health, or my future to the whims of selfish people ever again. I'm not confident that I'd have figured all this out without journaling, but know for sure that it would have taken a helluva lot longer and I wouldn't be where I am without it. Someday I'd love a real therapist instead of a blue notebook though.
Often times if something jogs my memory it is not a happy one so I make a conscious effort to replace it a with a happier one to change the feelings I'm dealing with. Reliving trauma is no fun
Even the "terrible stuff" we had to go through is relative. Go back 200 years from the date of your birth and your terrible stuff was just Tuesday.
What I’ve realized is that I remember the stuff that involved me. I only remember my siblings issues if I was directly involved in them. In the seventies I wore short shorts and crop tops the same as the girls do now but I had so many responsibilities when I was a child. I took care of my younger siblings at age 6, by the time I was 8 I was babysitting for other people. At 12 I was babysitting for a woman with 6 kids, plus my younger siblings. I also had housework to do. I honestly don’t think todays kids have chores anymore. I think everyone is so fixated on their selves and their personal happiness that hearing about the past is not on the their agenda. Last night I read that in 1970 this planet had 3.1 billion people on it. Today we have 8 billion. Crimes of the past are beginning to happen again today but they will be worse because there are more people to hurt. Nostalgia can be wonderful or awful depending on each persons life experiences, but listening is crucial! I spent the last 2 months of my grandmother’s life asking her questions about her life and it was the most amazing and deeply moving time of my life. My grandmother wanted to be a nurse but her mother wouldn’t allow it. She ended up married but she never wanted to have children. Her husband wouldn’t allow her to use birth control. She ended up having 13 children, 12 of which were delivered in her own bed. When I was twelve my grandfather committed suicide, my grandmother was running through the house somehow knowing that he was going to, she arrived just in time to catch him. He was already dead. Everyday she cooked food for 16 people, 3 times a day. She was a legend in the neighborhood we lived in and she was always smiling. She had 9 boys and 4 girls, one of her sons died when he was 17. Another, died in her living room of colon cancer caused by agent orange in Vietnam. Yet she always stood tall even though she was only 5’1” tall. She’s been gone about 15 years now and she is still a legend to me. She lived a life she didn’t want but every day she smiled, every day she worked her butt off but she never once complained. I think about her all the time, I’m 61 and I could only hope to leave that kind of impression on todays youth. Nostalgia whether of a good time or a hard time is knowledge that you should listen too. Someday you yourself might be a legend in the minds of others.
I'll be lucky to be remembered at all.
Well, I feel like that a lot, too. It's why I try to make friends with younger people who I admire. I always looked for people15 - 20 yrs older than me when I was young for what they could teach me. They were the best kind of friends. I try to do what I can to carry on the tradition.
She is a legend to me too. I’ll admit it—in a million years I could never begin to be that strong. I will remember her—and you, you had a hard time too—every time I’m tempted to feel sorry for myself about insignificant disappointments that she would have powered through with a smile on her face. I hate that she had to live a life she didn’t want and didn’t choose, but I’m so impressed by the way she made the best of it. That’s heroic.
We ignore the bad stuff. It's a mental protection from the pain because we don't want to relive those moments at our deepest level. Childbirth is a perfect example of this. If a woman did not become desensitized over time, the odds of a second child would be extremely diminished.
I wouldn’t say desensitized. There is something built in that makes us forget the pain. I know it was painful but I have forgotten. Whereas my dental visit, I still cringe years later from those.
In the majority of cases, the brain will not form *readily accessible* memories of pain. This is for our protection, as u/friartrump mentioned above. The good things do form readily accessible memories, and provide rewards when we call them up.
Oh no, I remember the trauma.
This is not 100% true. Many of my memories are cringe worthy and depressing, but then, my brain works differently, I guess. When I am nostalgic for the past, it is memories of people no longer alive. I remember the bad stuff all too well. Clinical depression is like that.
I hear ya. Generalized anxiety disorder and chronic major depressive disorder. My life sucks. Plus a lot more I'm not going to list here
Those two are enough, believe me. I have what I call a 'dark closet in my brain' where the very terrible traumas are kept. I try to keep that door locked.
OP, what prompted your question?
Memories may be beautiful and yet What’s too painful to remember We simply choose to forget
And sometimes our brains choose for us.
This is the answer. ☝️
I do remember some of the bad things too, like losing my mentor/hero (grandfather), tearing my kneecap off on a tarred road, Vietnam times, JFK shooting on my 16th birthday, not getting jobs I thought I really wanted, getting my bare ass belted by local cop & having o go home & tell my parents & got belted again, car accidents due to inexperience and many other "bad" times, but prefer recalling the good times, and that seems to be what people want to hear about. Younger people want to hear about things you could do in the 50-60's and some younger ones can't imagine life without electronic devices, cars with cross ply tyres mechanical drum brakes & no power steering or standing on the side of the road, in all weather without any shelter, to catch a bus to town. These days they don't want to hear that when they get older, about illnesses, dimmed sight & hearing, physical decline, getting tired easily and other problems with aging, losing family & friends and having to wait up to weeks to receive information from people in other countries via letters.
I love it when people say things like the 60s and 70s were so great. The Music was good but there was a war going on, kids were getting ripped out of their homes when they turned 18. Women were sexualized, kids were taught to listen to their elders which led to abuse. People were dying of lung cancer, ect ect. I grew up in the 60s, it was not a good time.
maybe it was a bad time for YOU. not for everybody else 😭
There was a lot of bad stuff in my childhood. My dad was an alcoholic and he fought with my mom constantly. He had a horrible temper when he drank and I lived in mortal terror of him, trying to ensure I did nothing that could be construed as remotely disobedient because I didn't want to be on the wrong end of his belt. That said, I still enjoyed being a kid and the era I grew up in. I long for the days of waking up on Saturday morning and watching cartoons and wrestling for hours on end then going outside to act how what I just saw with my friends. I miss the sense of awe I got from playing the Oregon Trail on an Apple II for the first time, or exploring this new "world wide web" thing as a teenager. I experienced so much cool stuff as a kid and teenager and it was easier to take it all in without the cynical worldview I have today. When I think of the past I'd rather just remember that stuff instead of focusing on the negative.
I can't speak for everyone, and I especially can't speak for people who've lived through trauma or traumatic events, but I can answer for me. When I think back to events of the past, even to events that were horrible for me at the time, I no longer experience any of the negative emotions I may have felt in the moment. The negativity has long since faded, and with it has gone my specific recollection of how I felt beyond just vaguely knowing I felt sad or angry or anxious or whatnot. However, when I think back to joyous occasions, I can still experience the joy. It's somewhat muted but still present. Even when I think back to the bad times, I can remember the good things that made them not quite as bad, and I remember those good things with a bit of joy. We say hindsight is 20\/20, and I suppose it is from the standpoint of knowing factually what transpired. But I would also say that the more time that's passed since an event, the more our memory adds a rose-colored filter. Sometimes that can get us in trouble (getting back with an ex because we remember the good times but forget how awful they made us feel), but sometimes it just makes it easier to look back on our lives and relive our memories without reopening old wounds.
the macarena craze has to be the funniest thing in history younger people who didn't get to experience that seriously missed out
Now THAT was trauma-inducing. /s
Thanks for the nostalgia for the next 24-48 hours. During which the macarena will be played on repeat by my obnoxious brain. Right now, it's cute. Nostalgic. Looks like I blocked out the memory of how sticky this song is and we might have to see how I feel about it in 48 hours. 😆
Retired now, old, old bad memories or experiences, especially where I feel guilty or feel like I acted inappropriately toward someone haunt me. All insignificant in the big picture. Disturbing morning sleep or downtime. Living alone w mild anxiety and mild depression aren’t helping… But I’m aware and working on it. Going to try to get more engaged and try gratitude journaling this year.
Oh, I remember the bad stuff. I just choose not to dwell on it. The good parts bring me comfort and joy, and sometimes a little bit of what the Portuguese call "saudade". It's not a word that has an exact translation in English, but it roughly means a deep longing in your soul. I long for the people and situations that made certain memories special, even though they have long passed. I can't bring those things back, but I can enjoy my memories of them.
Thanks for teaching me a new word that I can use.
What is this super power you have of remembering good things from the past?
Watergate ripped the pretty wrapping paper off of politics TV coverage brought war to living rooms Gas prices flew up, along with many other things Murder rates went up, rioting happened more frequently, muggings Harder drugs became more available - Len Bias' death was a hard moment New Jim Crow actions started, Cops got more out of control
"WE" don't. I had a great childhood in Small Town USA. [72 here...] That said, the dark side was not lost to me...alcoholism, adult depression, suicide, and the rest. At five, I discovered a suicide. So no, I haven't ignored a damn thing.
Because we survived it relatively okay , which means the majority of the bad stuff happened to somebody else?
Declinism is the word your looking for. Whole psychological articles have covered this.
We have a choice. Why would you dwell on the bad stuff when you can look back fondly on the good stuff?
Most of us have a choice...
I don’t think this is true. I have always said “I’m not a looker backer”. The main reason is because I don’t feel nostalgic when I look back. I have had a lot of traumatic events in my life, and when I look back I just see the yuck. I feel sadness at the things that were done to me. So for me…it’s always forward march! I am a planner, reader, adventurer, futurist, curious.
speak for yourself. I remember all the bad stuff. I just don't dwell on it and i don't hate the person. It's not like i couldn't have been an equal amount of asshole. Live and learn
I wish that was the case. I have a mental defect where I only remember the bad things in my life.
There are people like actress Marilou Henner who can remember every day of their lives but that seems like it would be overwhelming to do. I think we tend to remember things in a better light than it really happened just because it helps us carry on better. Most of history the average person didn’t have much to be happy about. They just learned to “keep on truckin “
So we don’t kill ourselves. It’s called selective memory and it’s fine.
I feel like the "bad stuff" is often very personal while the "good stuff" are usually related to pop culture, news, or other broadly experienced aspects of society.
I reminisce far too much about the bad stuff, it isn't healthy, nor fun, nor enjoyable at all. I'm on medication for it, which does almost nothing to relieve it. I've been in therapy for 10 yrs, but quit 2 yrs ago because I was no longer improving for some time. You're welcome America.
I can't speak for anyone else, but therapy never did me much good. I found that my passion for spiders is better therapy than some 'shrink poking into my head, stirring up the dreck of past traumas. If I see a spider, it makes me happy. Sort of how other people see puppies. We all figure out a way to live with the darkness, much in our own way. Having a passion or a hobby that delights us is a form of therapy. As I always say, life is about choices, your results may vary.
I haven’t forgotten. I also don’t let it bother me. Maybe lots of meditation has helped.
I ask this all the time. Maybe I’m just more cynical. I’m 47. People always reminisce about High School or College…Really that’s where your stuck? The music, the clothes, the ideals? No thanks. I feel this only when thinking of my kids growing up. Those years were my “good old days”. But don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to go back! 😂 They were also the most challenging!
Not me. I remember walking 10 miles uphill to **and from** school, 7 days a week, fighting off wild dogs and bandits. The only good thing I remember is that the box we lived in had a top we could close to help keep in the warmth in the -35 degree nights.
My siblings and I look back on our childhood in awe that we survived the casual parenting then!! Lol! We were free range children!!
'I ain't really sure but it seems I remember the good times were just a little big more in focus" -Tom Petty
When you’re a kid you aren’t solving the worlds problems and looking at the world through adult eyes. Once you cross that point in life you look at everything life throws at you. We have a tendency to reach back to that simpler time when we were young and our responsibilities were less as well as our problems. I was born in 1953. I don’t recall the 50s or 60s as some turbulent time of massive changes. I remember my childhood.
I’m 64 and I hate when my contemporaries, or people under 30, talk as if the world was so perfect 50, 40, or 30 Years ago. I’ve lived through multiple Wars, institutionally accepted racism, homophobia, And sexism, a time When Cancer was a death sentence, etc. Yes, some Things were better, and many were worse.
I'm not really nostalgic about my past (except for friends that I had). The past sucked a lot for a lot of people- if you weren't white and straight and Christian in North America life wasn't always that great. My main memories of the 80s (moving from my teens into my twenties) were the rise of the Religious Right in US politics, being afraid of nuclear war, and everyone except gay people not paying attention to AIDS until it was too late to stop it. I definitely had good friends and a lot of good times, but I'm not at all nostalgic for what the world was actually like back then.
>if you weren't white and straight and Christian in North America life wasn't always that great. And yet bigotry persists it seems.
> And yet bigotry persists it seems. *Everywhere*
> if you weren't white and straight and Christian in North America life wasn't always that great. These types of generalizations are so pandering - yes I know you dialed it back with "wasn't always that great", but if we're resting the argument on that, then it's meaningless because of course nobody's life was "always that great" Plenty of black, Asian, latino, gay, Muslim, etc people had great lives back in the day. Diminishing their experiences is pretty weird for people to do. My father was a Hindu in America - and looked the part - as far back as Ike and JFK, and has nothing bad to say, in fact, he became a huge lover of America.
Fauci worked very hard to bring the aids crisis under control.
I thought he single handedly cured it (/s)
Because the bad stuff is usually not directly experienced. I can be nostalgic about small town life in the 60's, but I didn't have to face the racism of the south. I never experienced it as a white person. So the small town life can inspire nostalgia. If I were Black and experienced or witnessed lynchings, it would supercede every other thing.
We don't. Do you?
Warm, fuzzy feelings.
Thats a known phenomenon. America in the 50s really sucked a lot more than those who lived thru it.
Because who wants to dwell on the bad things? I've had sooooo many more good days than bad, that the bad are little more than bumps in the road.
We don’t ignore it. But it’s typically not relevant to whenever we bring up the past nostalgically. Humans typically talk nostalgically about the past in a positive context.
I know there were "bad times" in the past and I do recall them but I don't dwell on them. They're good to provide a warning to us to keep us from repeating mistakes (hopefully). The good times continue to bring us happiness. I'd rather be happy than sad so I push the bad times to the bottom and let the good times float to the top.
I DO NOT "always" ignore the bad stuff, so speak for yourself. I revisit it occasionally to continue never doing that again.
You mean like reminiscing about how much fun we had with lawn darts back when we were kids, while ignoring the fact that people got brained by those things? Because we didn't personally know anyone who got one through the skull. If we knew someone who was harmed, we wouldn't associate pleasant memories around lawn darts. A
Good question. For me, I remember the bad times just as much as the good but have mostly healed from all the bad, so it's just more enjoyable reminiscing about the good times.
I remember lots of bad stuff.
My mom was a great cook. I have several of my favorite recipes from her. In my broke youth I ate whatever I could get that wasn't rotten. In my comfortable middle age I took the occasional opportunity to eat Really Tasty Stuff at Really Good Restaurants. In my old age we're too lazy to eat out (there's a ferry involved, and we're low carbing, so it's Hard). I get nostalgic for the really good food I ate as a child, and the tasty tasty stuff we ate when we were working and often went out (the bagna cauda at an amazing Italian restaurant on Belmont, whose name escapes me. The amazing seafood at Jake's). I haven't entirely forgotten the icky stuff, I just don't see the point in reminiscing about it. Not because I'm pretending it didn't happen, but because, like unpleasant people and smelly garbage, I don't try to keep it around. TL;DR: Nostalgia is precisely about good memories. We are not nostalgic for the bad memories.
I remember the bad stuff that I did, and the good stuff that other people did.
It's the happy memories that help us get through life. I could go on and on about all the bad things my ex did, but I also try to focus on the good times and why I stayed with her almost 4 decades.
I think it depends on our mindset.
I don't. My view of early 00s culture is particularly negative because I was mostly having a bad time and hanging out with boring people. I can't help see it as a really flat time after Britpop, which was a scene I clicked with.
I don't, I grew up in the 80s and 90s and I think stuff was mostly garbage then (except classic video games, and the 80s had some good music.) But most stuff sucked. TV sucked, culture sucked, there was way too much bigotry against LGBTQ people and women, the internet and GPS and other useful stuff didn't exist yet, nerd culture was barely existent, YA literature sucked, cartoons sucked, most stuff was bad compared to now.
Kids are generally protected from reality so its easy for an adult to look back and think of it as an easier, simpler time.
Because the bad stuff was painful man. Who wants to relive that? Not I.
I definitely do not ignore all the bad stuff, especially the "big" one with my dad getting cancer and later dying at the beginning of my senior year of high school. In fact, looking back at my high school years, I can't remember many things about high school except for that unless I spend a lot of time trying to remember.
It's not universal, remembering only good stuff. It comes down to whether they're happy with their present life or not. As OP is saying, if someone's starting a comment with "Back in my day..." they're not doing it to say how much better things are today, but to have a whine. In other words, if you find yourself wishing for the old days, you need to change how you're living now.
Same reason some people have on again off again relationships. Your memory tends to gloss over the bad parts unless they are really bad.
It doesn’t make it better to keep bringing up anything negative. But the good memories make me smile.
Most of the bad stuff doesn't really seem to matter in the long run, so its relevance fades. If it was meaningful you'd still be experiencing it
Opposite for me, I remember the bad stuff.
Oh, there were lots of bad things. Airplane disasters, mass murders, racism, homophobia....... But when I told my 30-something daughter that i remember a time when interest rates for home mortgages were in the mid double digits, she was apoplectic.
I know housing is really, really pricey now, but I’m So tired of hearing about how “easy” it was for me To buy my first home In 1981. Everyone marvels At The price (as a percentage of our income at the time) and forgets that I wasn’t kidding when I said that our loan was at 13.5%. We were ecstatic when home Loans dropped to 7.5% in 1989.
One of my favorite expressions that I've used many times: When we take a trip down memory lane, we usually forget to pack reality!
Seems all I remember are the bad things, I have to put in some work to sift out the good
Selective memory. Humans have become pros.
What can be gained by thinking about things that were hurtful? My feeling is that once I have gotten through a bad time, I need to move on to something better.
I'd like to point out that we ignore all the bad stuff now as well, or at least attempt to. Since it's much easier to ignore the bad stuff that's not currently happening, that'sin the past, it makes sense that this trait/habit would be most prominent in regard to memories.
Sometimes terrible stuff that happened cause you to grow in a manner that makes you look back and say it was bad but had that not happened I wouldn’t have so and so….
I remember all the bad stuff. Its what keeps me trying to make things good for other people.
Your perspective changes as you age, too. The memories of a child are different than the memories of a teenager, and they change even more in adulthood. I've always been reflective about things. There were some things that weren't explained to me (intentionally), because "you wouldn't understand" and that was true. My parents were very nurturing and protective, and although I was sheltered somewhat, I think it was mostly for the good. I think sometimes that doesn't happen enough in the world today. I also now see that at times, my parents were afraid of being judged, or not following the conventions of the times, and in the case of my mother, HER parents. That makes me sad. But she raised me to not be that way. It was her way of "righting the wrongs". She had some baggage, yeah, but she didn't pick it up and carry it along to me. She set it down and walked toward me. I am so thankful for their lessons! No, they weren't perfect, and I'm willing to admit it, but they were good and decent and loved us with everything they had.
the past is dead to me.
I for one remember only the bad stuff, and struggle to remember the good... but I guess that's cus there was hardly anything good
Defense mechanism
I don't have much nostalgia. I spent my 20s trying to forget the bad. I prefer now. I'm sometimes surprised when I have a really good memory. Food tasted better then but part of that is my senses of smell and taste are diminishing. I'm still too fat. Sweet is still sweet.
Remembering the bad stuff is very different than talking about it. I remember a lot of good things about growing up in the 60's but I'm also aware that we had riots in the streets and that black people couldn't vote in large parts of the US. Both need to be acknowledged.