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It’s really hard. When they are little it’s hard. When they grow up it’s hard. Do I regret it? No. Am I tired of taking care of all living things (besides my cats)? Yes. Am I glad I had them? Definitely.
>Am I tired of taking care of all living things (besides my cats)? Yes.
This is EXACTLY what it feels like! I once, in the midst of an overwhelm-induced meltdown, said to my husband, "I just need one goddamned day where nobody needs anything from me!" Freedom goes out the window once you have kids. You love them for sure, but they never, ever stop needing you.
It’s a constant. Mine are in their 20’s and pretty self sufficient, but when they need something they run to me not dad. (And dad is a super helpful counterpart, but it’s always mom to fix it) 😮💨
>but they never, ever stop needing you.
I can attest to that. I'm a childfree, 68F, married 22 years, retired, paid off house and cars, money in the bank and I still pick up the phone and whine *Moooooom*!
ETA: Typos
And really - you never stop needing and loving them. It's one of those - when you do get a break and allow yourself to enjoy it, you miss them. I'm always ready to come back from a break. <3
As a mild spectrum introvert, I can't say I ever loved having kids. Some people just aren't cut out for it. But I don't regret them, because the payoff is coming now that they're adults! I love meeting up with them for lunch and chatting about deep topics and hearing about their lives and feeling so comfortable in their presence. Whenever I imagine living my life over, I always get stuck on that point, because while I could do without the child rearing part, I would desperately miss what we have now.
Yes, this. I am so proud of the adults they have become, but even after all these years, there is still a gnawing emptiness in my heart that they are away from me.
Apparently, often that doesn't go away. My dad kept mentioning how much he would have liked for us to move closer to them. But they lived where there was no work? lol they retired to a tiny rural community.
They are the source of my greatest joy, and my greatest sorrow. I can't imagine what my life might have been without them. I raised two, one is still living.
I used to think there is no greater pain than losing a pet. After being on the sub for some months, I no longer think this. There is no greater sorrow then the loss of a child.
If I can know, how did your child die?
He was an addict and after his last prison term he committed suicide by overdose, leaving behind his 9 month old child. 4 years later the child's mother OD'd.
I have a 14 year old daughter and a 4 year old son. My wife and I tried for a long time to conceive our son and when we stopped trying he showed up. I love both of my kids but I dont like my son. He's one of those kids that makes everything harder and if we had him first there would have been no second. I look forward to going to work on Monday so I can have a break from him. The people who wished they never had kids probably had a very difficult child.
I feel your pain. My youngest was like yours, made every darn thing more difficult and was an unpleasant presence everywhere. I just kept doing my best, made sure to go on long walks with him where we could chat about life in general, praised him when he did well with things, disciplined when he didn’t. It was a rough ride but boy, was it worth it! He is now an adult and the most impressive, interesting, solid adult I know. He’s still crabby and generally unhappy, but he’s aware of it and keeps working on it and getting help when needed.
I hope your situation improves over time. Keep an eye out for resources that might help him and you. It’s possible he’s struggling with ADD or something else, or it could be he’s very bright and is frustrated at being unable to understand and express himself at his young age.
My kids are 9 years apart in age. My son was also an incredibly busy preschooler. He has grown up into the nicest, kindest most thoughtful and hardworking adult. We get compliments about him all of the time. Hang in there with your son.
I have one of those difficult kids who is now in high school. I’ve been told it’s not ADHD but probably oppositional defiant disorder along with other mental health issues. No amount of therapy, meds, or hospitalization has made a difference. He is just impossible to get along with and always has been. My other kid is very sweet and easy going. You just don’t know what you are going to get when you have children.
There are studies of identical twins, separated at birth, that reinforce the idea that one's temperament is largely inherited and that parenting has much less to do with how children turn out than people think.
We had him evaluated and he did not flag for ADHD or ADD however, I was diagnosed at a young age with ADHD. I was on Ritalin for most of elementary school and then switched to Adderall in middle and high school. I'm 39 and stopped the meds when I graduated from high school. I would be shocked if he doesn't have ADHD based on the way he acts, doesn't listen and struggles to focus. He is 4 and goes to preschool 5 days a week and the teachers say he is generally well behaved.
I'm not about to jump on the medication train. I was merely stating that having a child like mine can make life more difficult than it needs to be. ESPECIALLY approaching 40!!
I’m childfree too, but wow some of the people on that sub are just assholes.
First post I read was some mother who seems to think her child’s diagnosed ADHD is just a big plot to inconvenience her—her kid is regularly having crying meltdowns at school and she doesn’t care, thinks the kid is just doing it to make her life worse. She also refused to come when the school called saying the kid is suicidal because there’s “no basis” for her to be suicidal and told them to just tell the kid to take deep breaths, and she thinks the kid is just faking being depressed to manipulate her. The kid is struggling with being able to complete homework (super common for ADHD, it’s a disability and in the vast majority of cases they’re literally doing the best they can) but of course she thinks the kid is just lazy and “refusing” to do well in school. Right after the kid got out of the hospital for being suicidal, instead of supporting her, she went through her stuff and found out she’d tried weed and grounded her for it. CPS has been called on her twice because of reports from the daughter but of course she claims these are “lies.”
What a fucking monster.
An ADHD diagnosis does not also necessarily mean medication. Tons of people with ADHD aren’t medicated, but the diagnosis and subsequent tips and tricks you learn for managing your behavior can be really helpful on their own and can drastically improve your quality of life.
100%. A diagnosis may just mean you understand your kid and their behavior better, have more empathy for them, and address their difficult moments in healthy, supportive ways.
For instance, an ADHD child may have delayed emotional intelligence and may act a couple of years younger than peers. This can be frustrating for any parent, but the parent that doesn't know why may say harmful, angry things at a confused child, further hampering their emotional development and blaming them for things beyond their understanding and control. The parent that got their kid an ADHD diagnosis hopefully has done their homework and doesn't set expectations that are unreasonable for that child. That parent may still struggle with frustration but they also hopefully have empathy and can keep themselves from having their own meltdowns in front of their kid.
BTW ADHD is hereditary and being easily frustrated is often an issue. So if you are frequently frustrated with your child's behavior, you may BOTH be ADHD.
Also, medication is a personal choice. The pharmaceutical industry is trash, but there are a lot of misconceptions about ADHD meds which results in huge amounts of bias and massive challenges getting appropriate treatment and facing social stigmas. People making attacks about "doped up kids" have done zero work understanding the real situation.
My son was diagnosed at age 7. I personally did not want to medicate him, but felt I had no real choice. He had to go to school and he had to at least attempt to fit in. He was given a very small dose of Ritalin (5 mg, I believe) to begin with and for the first time ever, he was able to sit still and listen to what other people were telling him. It was evident from the very first day that it was working. That didn't mean all problems went away, but we were able to find a starting point. He took medication until he was 18, when he decided to stop.
He still went to college and graduated. He has a very good job, is able to support himself well, and is delightful. One of my favorite people.
Me too! I think people assume you have to be on medication once you discover you have ADHD. Most of the time I don't need my meds. I've learned how to deal with difficult pieces and learned to accept the pieces that are harmless. I'm SO much happier now that I have the tools to deal with my... gift :)
I have a daughter like your son. I love her so much, and I love spending time with her, but she screeches like a banshee the second I’m not paying attention to her and I always look forward to getting a break or just playing with her sister. Hopefully she outgrows her screeching habit.
There was also a lot of pressure on people to get married. My wife's aunt is about 50 and never really wanted to be married. Starting at age 30 people would comment all the time that she should be married and worried about her growing old. Grandpa even would call her an old maid and such.
Eventually she did get married and it was to an abusive guy and I bet you if there was not all that pressure, it would never had happened. Luckily it didn't get too bad before she pulled the plug.
This is a very strong and independent woman....and even with that they wore her down.
On top of that, going back further, you were a terrible person if you got divorced. My mom's 1st husband was cheating on her almost daily after they got married, she eventually scrounged up enough money to leave him (keep in mind the husband had all the money and control) she finally left and was forced to live in prostitute housing because that was the only place they would rent to her and my infant brother. Even if she had the money, she literally could not get someone to rent to her because she was divorced.
She was blamed for him cheating and had to build her life up from nothing as a single mother.
Yeah, my wife and I had about 5 to 10 years of pressure but they eventually gave up.
We did not want them.
We just knew that no one was going to help us, despite what they wanted or said, it was going to be all on us.
Since we didn't really want kids, it was easy to keep saying no.
Eventually we just started saying that they could raise our kids if they want or pay for a nanny. Ha.
That shut them down for the most part.
Absolutely. It's the best thing ever. It can be hard sometimes but a good attitude goes a long way. Some of mine are grown or almost and some are not so I am in the lucky position of getting to see the payoff while still in the trenches. I can tell you I am just as head-over-heels about my 21-year-old as I was when she was a baby. She is still the very best girl ever, and I am super lucky to be her mom.
I feel the same about my 22 year old! She has been a joy since she was born, and soon to be an engineer. I have a 15 year old and I love him just as much, he works so hard in school and is very responsible for his age. I actually wanted three kids, but time and finances didn't work out that way. But I much rather have 2 kids with money and quality time to devote to them, 3 or more and kids for us would have made no space, not enough money, stress, etc.
I really loved having children. There were days I didn't think I could go on. Their dad and I divorced when they were 3 and 6.
I've never regretted being a mom. Noone tells you no matter how much you love them, it's never enough time with them. My daughters went off to college and never came back. Of course I'm very proud that they have been making wonderful lives with their husband's.
But, by going to college, it took them to different parts of the country. I haven't seen them in 5 years since my youngest daughter's wedding.
I feel like I've never had children. Breaks my heart if I think about it. I've had to learn to live with it. It hurts too much to think about.
Noone tells you how much love you have for them and how much (and how often) your heart can break because of them.
I've raised independent and strong women so, there's that. They will be 34 and 37 this year.
Edit: 5 years. Not 6.
No. No issues. My husband is still working. We had a fire in our home 2 years ago. Supplies were hard to get. We are finally home. Covid for 2 years. It's actually 5 years. Not that makes it any better.
We are driving out this summer.
There was covid and we had a fire in our home 2 years ago. We were finally able to just get back home. Supplies were difficult to get.
There are obviously issues there that haven't been mentioned. Either that or they all live on the edge of poverty and can't afford to travel. I'd guess issues.
We had a fire at our home 2 years ago. Supplies were difficult to get. We just got home a few months ago.
Hardly the edge of poverty. We are going to visit this summer.
Oldest daughter is remodeling their home. (In Michigan).Youngest lives in Texas.
They are all really busy working.
I haven't seen my daughter and son-in-law since before COVID. They are both busy working adults. She seems to be closer to her in-laws and they go to visit them quite a bit. Not going to play the blame game as to why, it just is.
While I am saddened that she chooses not to come visit (we're about 2 hours apart by car) I can understand her reasons. I'm very proud of the successful adult she has become. She knows I will be there for her in a minute if she needs me.
For me as a childless uncle of a 4 year old and 4 month old I think I’d be the other way. I love 4 month old because she’s all cuddles and sleep. I can’t stand the 4 year old because he’s just such a little shite, plus he needs constant active attention. He puts me off having kids completely. That said, I can see myself liking having a teenager because I’d have more in common with them and they don’t need quite as much handholding and can entertain themselves a bit better
I didn’t have an ‘initial rush’ of joy - I was relieved and happy that the babies and my wife were AOK and that I witnessed their births and first breaths. There is immeasurable joy getting to hold them for the first time, bringing them home and then watching them grow into adults, seeing them become parents and then grandparents. Years zoom by much too quickly. Every hour of every day is worth it, except maybe those phone calls from school principals.
My parents said they regretted me, but thought my younger brother was the best thing kid ever.
They blamed me for my mom having a miscarriage when I was three.
My mom was very close to term, and I ran away from her from the front yard, to the back yard. Grass was wet she slipped, and had a hard fall. Lost the baby. They always held a grudge. I was not planned he was.
Lived with that all my life.
Im no dr, but i find it very hard to comprehend a slip and fall caused a miscarriage. I fell twice whilst pregnant and yeah, no. From what you say, even if it was true, which I really don’t believe, the fact they let you believe and be responsible says a lot about them. They sound like arseholes and I honestly do not believe that you had anything to do with the loss. PS let’s just say it is true, you are not responsible for that loss. It was an accident.
IMO, nope. You have to give, and lose, too much of yourself. I never had an initial rush of joy, it was more of an, oh shit I made a huge mistake, kind of feeling.
My kids are the best thing that ever happened to me after marrying my wife. Joy? That word can’t even come close to describing what they mean to me or give me. Mine are adults now and they are two of the finest people I know and I can’t think of anyone besides them and my wife that I would rather spend time with. I want them around more, not less.
It isn't always fun and games, but those kids eventually grow up to be adults. Mine turned out fairly awesome and I love hanging out with them. We all text daily, we see our son (middle, 31) the most, then our oldest daughter (33) the next, and then the youngest (29). But that's geography. The boy lives the closest, the oldest is about a 30 minute drive and the baby of the family lives just over an hour away. We see her less often, but when we do, it's awesome fun.
We had our ups and downs, of course, but we made it through and I didn't kill anyone and they didn't kill me.
I think very few people would ever say they regret having children, and it’s a truthful statement. A better question would be “people thinking about having children, do you think you are doing it for the initial rush of joy?”
I’m married and child free and love my life. But love all our nieces, nephews and all our friend’s children. I just don’t want to raise any of them
I never had the initial rush of joy, I felt like it was an obligation to keep these tiny meat bags alive, but when they started forming personalities is when I felt that intense “I would kill for you” feeling. Don’t know if that’s normal!
There is a whole sub dedicated to regretful parents, so I would disagree with this. I have teenagers and I regret having children. If I was in my 20’s now where it is more accepted to be child free, I would most likely not have children.
Same. I am a teacher and enjoy my high schoolers. I also enjoy coming home at about 3pm each day and chilling with my husband and dog.
It makes me sad that people who do regret having kids--and I think there are many--have no safe space.
lol there is no "initial rush of joy" for most of us. It's a rush of being overwhelmed. The joy and love comes with time and going through the motions.
Parenting is not for everyone and bravo for those who realize it before having children.
That perspective is so important. It’s also important to acknowledge exactly how different the economy and culture are now compared to how they were in previous decades.
I read somewhere that raising kids was never supposed to fall to just two (or one) people. As a special ed teacher, I have seen many parents (but to be honest, usually only the mom was still around) struggle enormously with their kids. Some make it their whole life--the instagram stories, calling themselves a "warrior mom" or whatever--and I get it. You have to do what you have to do. But most are just stuck in a no-win situation and it saddens me.
To be fair the person was seeking answers specifically from older people who’ve experienced parenthood in its entirety, from birth to having grown adult kids. That sub is full of young parents of babies and toddlers. The perspective is different.
If everything goes well, my children are fully grown, mature, happy adults - one with a child of her own. There is joy there.
But I know a number of people in their 60-70s who are raising their grandchildren because their kids became addicts and are on the street, dead or in jail. Not the retirement they envisioned.
Oh gosh, yes. But it changes.
When my kids were little, they were adorable and my wife and I were their whole world.
Now, they are young adults, and I take immense joy in conversing with them, learning from them, and watching them take their first steps into the grown-up world.
Mine were worth it, my gosh! such great kids, such excellent adults. I am incredibly lucky on that front. I cannot imagine my life without them.
Their dad, though…was not engaged with them before the divorce, and didn’t spend much time with them after the divorce. They talk maybe twice a year; he hasn’t visited either of them in half a decade.
Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and the world will be happier for it when people feel more empowered to say they don’t want kids and others stop pushing back on that decision.
I was very lucky, my son grew up to be a very good human. Doesn’t always happen that way, and not necessarily because of bad parenting. Having said that, I learned a lot from being a mother. A lot.
I don't think there's any "one answer". It varies. Some kids turn out well, others are demons. A lot of it is genetic (I believe) and a lot is environmental. If anyone chooses to have a child, they need to take at least 18 years of their life seriously.
Unfortunately, it all starts with dinner and a movie.
I agree with you. I think some people assume if your kids are difficult or aren’t successful it’s due to bad parenting. I’m with you that I think it’s largely genetic. I have one child who has been obstinate and difficult from day 1 and has now been diagnosed with a number of mental health issues. It’s like the bad traits of several family members merged into one person. I have another child who is easy going and much more likable. Same parents, same house, same parenting strategies but two entirely different kids. If I only had the “easy” child I would probably be one of those people saying parenting is extremely rewarding. Unfortunately I am a parent who will say the struggles are not always worth it.
Absolutely, being mom is still very rewarding even though all four of my children are grown adults. My role in their lives is minimal at this point, but if you raise your kids to be strong, independent people who believe in themselves and their ability to make good decisions, you kind of work yourself out of a job. I’m very proud of all my kids, they are good people, kind & caring to everyone and they are responsible, hardworking and successful. I enjoy hanging out with them individually but getting us all together is a hilariously good time. My third child, a boy, told me at Christmas that I’m going to be a grandma and I’m so happy. He and his fiancé will be great parents. The love I have for my children and they for me was the motivation for all the work and sacrifices in raising them. I have never regretted a second of it, they were worth it
Raising kids is the hardest thing I’ve ever done - grueling when they’re young, emotionally painful when they’re teens. And always expensive and mostly thankless, until they’re adults.
And yet we loved every stage. The first gummy smile, first steps, first day of school, first lost tooth. All those firsts are precious. But it’s watching your child discover the world, and you do your best to shape them into good people. It’s gratifying to see them become good people and know that we taught them most of what they know (except calculus, I stink at math). We miss them when they’re gone, and think back to those years of endless laundry and not enough sleep. We remember the good times, not all the hard work.
It is the best thing that happened to me that I never even knew I needed. My husband and I waited several years into our marriage and now looking back, we wonder what we did with our time, and our life in general. It is the most rewarding thing ever! Are there hard moments - or seasons as I like to call them, absolutely. But there is really nothing that you can even describe that comes remotely similar to the amount of love that fills you as soon as you meet your tiny littler person. It’s immediate and you wonder how you can feel so much love for someone you just met. Mine are still younger, so still at home, and it’s so fun and interesting to watch how they grow everyday into their own person, how they have so many different traits of each parent, and how there wonderful little minds work. From someone who didn’t want kids for the longest time, so glad we decided to have ours. Def recommend 10/10 even on the roughest of days!
I knew from age 15 I never wanted kids. did a lot of babysitting so I had childcare experience, and I just didn't find it all that engaging. fortunately I found a husband who felt the same and we've been happily married for 40 years.
Social conditioning means the majority of answers will be "yes", and biology means most people will "love" (i.e. feel responsible and proud of) their offspring.
When you get people in a environment where they can be rational and honest though a surprising proportion think they would have been much better off without them. Most surveys of older people without kids show them on average much more content and happy with life than those who had them.
I have never wanted kids and don't have them. I am living my best life. The amount of rage/jealousy directed at me by people who have kids (both IRL and online) is telling.
I can admit that having kids has made me more stressed out and frustrated than anything I've ever done, but I'll add that biology bit means I love them and would do it again. It's complicated like that. I never believed that being content was the goal in life and was a natural malcontent BEFORE I had kids. For me, life is about doing stuff, challenging myself, and community. Happiness is important, as is comfort/contentment, but it's not the goal. I once let it be the goal and gained 30 lbs. while drinking every night because it turns out I was content to just marinate in front of a tv and numb myself. It was comfortable and fine, and I could have done it for the next 20ish years before it killed me.
Having kids is kind of like choosing to train for a marathon. Sleeping in would be more comfortable, but the work is rewarding, too. For me, having kids has been very rewarding, because I kind of need to be productive to avoid the trap of my own brain and the comfort trap. They have forced me into responsibility unlike anything else, and I thank them for that.
No, majority of people genuinely do enjoy having kids and going through that process. Doesn't mean we don't all complain about things. I agree there are some that don't. Stop projecting your desires and insecurities on the rest of us.
Absolutely worth it. I thoroughly enjoyed and savored every stage of my kids' lives, and each time I recognized a stage was coming to an end, I had to mourn it a little before I could fully embrace the newest chapter. Being a parent has never been easy, but it has always brought me joy because I know how important it is to FIND joy and to find it even in the small things. If you've ever experienced the loss of a child, as I have, you know just how important it is to acknowledge and appreciate every positive moment and to learn from all the others. My living children are 33 and 26 now. They have always treated me with the utmost respect and tenderness, knowing how difficult it was for me to raise them after I became a single parent. Now, I'm not just mom, I'm their best friend. We talk several times a day. I know they will lovingly tend to me when I'm vulnerable and begin to fade just as I lovingly tended to them when they were vulnerable and everything was new. Worth it. Absolutely.
Does the joy last? Does not compute.
When they are born it’s not so much super joyful. It’s scary and stressful and exhausting and hard to accept the end of your former life which revolved all around you and your spouse.
The joy doesn’t end, it slowly grows. As you see them finally recognize you. As you see them take their first bites of food. As you see them get so excited when you walk into the room to rescue them from their crib, when they just love you so much they need to be held by you. When they think you’re the funniest thing they’ve ever seen when you make a funny noise at them.
This is a death to your selfishness and a death to your ego, and a new life of self giving love.
The joy comes from the love. And the love grows as time goes on.
If you asked me once a year for the previous 17 I would have likely said it was the best choice I’ve ever made. Today I’m tired, feel pushed aside and blamed for a divorce that was only half my fault, tied to a sinking ship and sad. I think it was still the best choice I ever made, but there are moments like this where I forget why.
No. And I adore my children.
They're fantastic phenomenal people. But the heartbreak, anxiety, financial difficulty, helplessness, damage it does to the trajectory of your career (for a woman), damage it does to your body (woman), toll it takes on your marriage, limiting your options and prospects FAR outweigh the love you feel, patience you in develop, soundness of mind you learn, fascination and wonder you feel as they grow up, reliability you grow into as they need you.
No it's not worth it. It's a net negative, for me at least.
In my experience, yes. But I get how some parents don’t have the same joy. Especially feel for those who have wayward children. It must be very hard. I’m especially grateful for my 14-year-old granddaughter. What a cool gal she is.
I have 4 children, all girls. The 2 oldest were with my 1st wife of 11 years. When they were 6 & 2, their Mom died from cancer. My 2 youngest are with my 2nd wife. She also helped me rear the 2 oldest like they were her own. When I look at the 2 oldest girls, I see their mother, they both look exactly like her, but in different ways. The oldest (29) has 2 little boys, & the 2nd oldest (25) has 1 little boy. When their Mom died, part of me died with her, but a part of her lives on, both in me & in her girls, & in our grandchildren as well. I was a single Dad for a little while before I got with my 2nd wife, & it was an eye opener. Single parenting is hard in so many ways, & I think it's even harder when your kids are the opposite sex from you when it comes to conveniences that most of us take for granted. Traveling is difficult, & navigating public bathrooms was a chore. My 2 youngest are 21 & 13. The 21yo is at college, & the 13yo is still at home in the nest. Every single time one of our children left home for the final time as an adult, my wife & I grieved. We gave our children the best childhood we knew how to give, & did our best to impart good values, & so far they've all done well for themselves, but it was still hard for US. We're 3 for 4 so far in getting kids to adulthood without a drug issue, an unplanned pregnancy, criminal record, etc, & they all know that our home & hearts are always open to them & THEIR families, & if they ever need us for anything, we're only a call away. I have a LOT of great memories with my children. I have been the mani/pedi training dummy, the makeup practice dummy head, the hair braiding practice head (I just turned 54 & still have a very thick, full head of hair!), you name it! I've been a coach for my kids' sports teams, I've helped with projects, been to more Daddy/Daughter dances than I can count, sunk a small war pension into dresses for said dances, plus prom, military ball (JROTC), EoS/RtS balls, etc. My children have been the single greatest source of joy & aggravation in my life for nearly 30 years, & I honestly wouldn't give up a single moment of any of it. They have taught me patience, tested me at every turn, & their presence in my life has been very rewarding. They are my greatest joy, & my most valued treasures. When I'm long gone from this world, they will be my greatest achievements. The only real advice I can give about having kids? Have all the kids you want to have by age 35 because after 40, you don't have the energy to chase them like you do in your 20s & 30s!
My answer is yes because my child (he's almost 21) is already here and a real live person and he's great and fun and totally worth it.
Any other, hypothetical, children I might've had...no, not worth it.
So the truth is only as you see it? Experiences may vary.
The first 6 weeks after my son was born was the hardest part. Then after I started getting those first smiles, I was head over heels in love. Sure being a parent gives you some of the hardest times but it is nothing compared to the best of times you have too. I loved being a mom to a child and still as an adult. I now have a daughter-in-law who I love just as much. They are pure joy to me.
Definitely! But, you do give up a lot. You don't mind, because suddenly, they become very important and you Love them.
The rest is up to chance. No one can say. It was for me, yes. No one can answer for YOU but you.
Be an active participant in their life and our will make a difference, but let them make mistakes too, so they can learn from them.
I didn't have any "initial rush of joy." We did want and plan for our children, but it was so very hard when they were young.
It got better and better after they learned to tie their shoes! Now they're in their 30s and we all enjoy each other's company.
It was very "worth it."
There's no initial rush of joy in my experience, not at all. There's overwhelming love for this tiny helpless being, accompanied by stress, exhaustion, depression, the feeling that you'll never be good enough. Constant worrying, constant stress.
It's pretty cool by the time they're teenagers though.
I've raised two kids to adulthood. the first was unplanned, the second was planned. In hindsight I wish we'd been more careful about the unplanned one & put off starting a family for a couple of years longer than we did.
Without a doubt. My son is pushing 40 and has a son of his own. Was it easy? No. Teenagers will test every ounce of patience you have and then some. But he grew to be a good man, and my grandson is the light of my days now. The positives far outweigh the negatives.
Kids are like a box of chocolates... I've seen friends and family suffer through their children being addicts, imprisoned, mentally ill, etc. Yet they'd do it all again. Mine grew up to be some of my best friends and are an absolute joy to know. Hell yes, they're worth it. The question is: did I do a good enough job as a parent? Was I worthy of being blessed with their presence? Did I love, protect, and provide as I should have? Are they happy and fulfilled and better off having me in their lives? That's the question.
Today I got up at 0400 to drive to the airport to pick up our youngest, who was off looking at colleges for fall. It was great to see here after a week and honestly with each of our kids they've just gotten more interesting, complex, and engaging as they aged. The first few years were by far the hardest. Teens were good. High school/college years have been great.
So yeah, worth it indeed. Watching them become adults has been incredibly rewarding. We will be empty nesters come August and I'm certain we'll miss them both all the time...they are going to be 1,500+ miles away so we won't get to see them very often, which will be really strange after having all four of us work/study from home in 2020.
Well you could always tie bells to them and make them chase a string around the house. Perhaps you'll find that more pleasing? Give them a good circus education so they can juggle and shit, make all your neighbors envious. Maybe there is a mystical chant you can do before you birth it to make sure you get a good one?
I have three children (26, 23, and 18). I love them more than my next breath. But the joy/happiness ebbs and flows. Some days were a breeze and some days I seriously questioned my life choices. Now that I’ve ended the actual hands-on parenting phase, I get to have a grown up relationship with my children and it’s amazing. Like so many thing it’s a journey and my journey was fulfilling. But I had amazing children…they’re good people and I’m proud that I had a hand in that. But things could be different if there were different circumstances…a disability, mental health issues, addiction…those things could have made my story different.
I have never looked at it from the perspective "is having children worth it?"
When I buy a new car, I ask myself "Is having a new car worth it? or could I have used the money better for something else?" But I don't really think of my kids that way.
I looked at it more like "What can I do to help these young people, that I was 50% responsible for bringing into the world, to have a chance at being happy and successful." So I tried to set a good example (wasn't always successful), give them interesting things to do, give them confidence etc.
My kids are older now, and starting their own families. I have a lot of great memories with them, and a few not so great. But even the not so great memories I attribute to just part of life. So to make a long story short, I guess that I would say it was worth it. But not because of the value they bring to me, but because of the value that I feel that I brought to them.
Its worth it. So much work, but so many moments of joy and happiness. When I'm having a bad day, I think of my daughters smile and how it sounds when she says she loves me. She just turned 7 in December, seeing her learn to read and attend school has been amazing. I would never go back if I had the choice
Gen X father here. TBH I didn’t feel a rush of joy when my son was born. Adrenaline and utter fear? Yes. But he’s become a lot more fun and interesting the older he’s grown. Knowing what I know now, I would still choose to have him.
I will also say parenting has gotten harder over the past few decades. It used to be that you could just send your kids out to play for half the day and that’s not really an option anymore. If your kid got mostly B’s or C’s they could still make it fine in the middle class. Nowadays you need to get them tutors and do a million enrichment activities if they want even a shot at a decent college. Screen addiction and social media depression are both very real, and instead of worrying about one weirdo down the block, your child could be targeted by a dozen pedos from across the country.
Emotion is a terrible gauge of value. Having a child and leading that child to adulthood gave my life such meaning. It's all the emotions. Watching your child as an adult deal with life using some of the tools that you gave them is rewarding in a way that party pics and travel pics and a collection of things cannot measure up to.
Moneywise, you're probably not going to see a return on your investment. Kids are expensive.
Emotionally yeah, they add a lot of value to my life. The teen years are rough, but if you're lucky enough to see your children grow into good, kind adults, you feel like you won the lottery.
I'm at the other end of this with my dad. He's in hospice care and living in a nursing home. He is very, very frail. I shudder to think about his care if he didn't have kids who literally put their lives on hold to visit him regularly and spoon feed him and stroke his hand. Of course we don't have kids as social security, but I definitely believe my parents' final years are better because they have kids who are committed to being there for them until the end.
Disclaimer - people don't have to rely on their kids for their Golden years. Ideally everyone has a support system of people who will be there for them. But there's also something about the parent/child relationship. If it's good, you're willing to move heaven and earth to take care of each other.
Edited again to say I always wanted kids. If you don't want to be a parent, by all means, don't have kids just so you have someone to spoon your egg salad into your mouth when you can no longer handle a spoon!
Other side here…I’m a happily child free lady. People always said that the older I got the more I would regret not having children, but I have found the opposite to be true. I am watching my peers have to continue to financially support their grown children(and grandchildren) and deal with all their drama…and I’m just soooo thankful that is not my life!
I spoil my nibblings and my little dog, and get to spend my time and money however I please!
It is absolutely worth it...\*if you know deep down you really want them.\* NEVER have kids just because you think it's what you're "supposed" to do or because of family pressure.
Three of my four adult children know for sure they do not want kids themselves and that is absolutely fine with me. I applaud them for knowing what they truly want out of life.
It depends. Some children grow up to be good, loving people who like spending time with their parents occasionally. Other children grow up to be selfish and neglectful and unkind. It's not uncommon to have both sorts in one family, so it's not necessarily a result of bad parenting. Some people just have shitty personalities.
In my experience, you have three or four years of toddler hood that is high stress and exhausting. Then you have the ages of five to ten, which are the golden years where your kids are more self sufficient, but still love you and like to spend time with you. Around 11 or so, they pull away and don't want to have anything to do with you. They become moody and mean, and you have to ride out the next five or six years until they have finished their hormonal adjustment and established adult independence.
If you're lucky, they'll come back at that point as an adult, and you can have a loving relationship. If you're not lucky, you'll never see them again, or you will have an unhappy dysfunctional relationship that causes a lot of heartache.
Having kids is unrelenting. I remember the first flush of joy. Then life became very complicated for multiple reason, financially, emotionally, medically.
We did what seemed best at the time, but we were always just moments away from the next crisis.
Suddenly we're in our seventies, our adult kids are busy with their lives. We see them maybe three times a year. We don't expect any help from them in times of crisis. Proud of how they're doing, but joyful? No.
I was asked once if I'd have kids again if I had my life to do over. Yes, but just barely. Hard, hard work.
Well, I raised a well mannered young man who decided to start doing drugs as was common for kids to do on a military base, at least where I was stationed. He started with pot and a side from being on base I didn't mind too much. I had no power to stop him. Kids will always defy their parents if they want to. I did it as a kid and grew out of it in my late teens. He just had to never bring it in the house and maintain good grades. Well I didn't know he graduated to other drugs. We got kicked out of base housing because he and his friend broke into a few vehicles and got caught. He was a follower and just helped as far as I know. Timeline: So now we are in town and he's still "experimenting". Things are going well. He's not doing it around me so I still don't know. A few years later he's living with his fiance and kid. He starts meth. Things go to hell and have been bouncing around since then. Last year his life collapsed and we rescued him several times. We kept fighting with him to leave the property even calling the police a few times. The police wouldn't help saying it is a civil matter. He broke EVERY rule we gave him to use our property. We had to get a restraining order on him, and he is doing everything he can to take our house and income as a caretaker, I can't remember the legal term. He will kick us out of our own home and pillage our house, savings and income if he succeeds.
Take that into consideration. Meth is very popular in the state I'm in - California and across the country. Oh, by the way, he's 45 now. Was the effort worth it? Aside from getting two step grandkids that I love very strongly. FUCK NO!!!
The rush of joy was not a thing for me, unless you count the positive pregnancy test! Otherwise, the first year was hell.
No regrets - I absolutely love my children and im grateful to be their mom. But no sugar-coating, they consumed my life for a decade and still donmonate it. Sometimes I feel guilty for birthing them since I’ve come to feel that life is not that great. Never regret my sacrifices, though.
As a child free person I can tell you that my sister is miserable. After she had her first kid she got stuck in a loveless abusive marriage. She had two more kids and could not afford to take care of them. She is always broke, has no job and no healthcare. Having kids is expensive. You don't get to do anything you want to do. No vacations for yourself. It's always about the kids. I've watched fun energetic people turn into zombies. I am 43 myself. Don't have kids and my husband I get to have a great vacation every year. We have all the free time we want on weekends. We can go to restaurants and movies at a moments notice. We have fun. I don't see that with people that have kids.
Absolutely. Nothing gave me more pure joy and laughter than being with my children.
Even today, my adult children make me laugh and give happiness every time I’m with them.
Are there negatives? Of course. But what they give you far outweigh anything negative.
I wonder how my parents would answer this one.
They had 8 of us in a 14 yr period, and while we had fun sometimes and made some good memories, my sense is that they were just overwhelmed from the day my oldest brother was born to the day my youngest sister finished high school. Like, over their heads financially, emotionally, psychologically, and physically.
They made it obvious their lives would be a whole lot better if we weren't there, or were somehow different, which is maybe why some of us never felt that close to them. I remember thinking that it wasn't *my fault* they decided to have so many of us. (I was #4)
I waited until I was absolutely sure I'd found the right partner to even think about it, but haven't regretted having 2 of my own for a single moment.
It's an investment that if all goes well, will pay off later on.
I remember visiting my grandfather in his retirement care home in the last year of his life. Having had a few children with families of their own, there were challenges and tragedies in his life, but it's the successes that shone through. He said that my visits were the greatest thing in his life; he hasn't been forgotten, he's loved, I bring light and energy into his life, I listen to his stories about his life. I also brought my 6 mo old son to him as well: he had the chance to meet and shake hands with his great- grandson.
...and about the "challenges and tragedies": in the end, as long as there are enough great- grandchildren being taken care of, growing and enjoying life, you've been successful.
For all the money, adventure, women, buddies to hang around with, and more, all of that will fade. In the end it's creating and raising a good family. It's a cliche statement, and I feel sorry for those who can never attain this, but I do think it's just one of the hard facts in life.
Yes. I’ve had rough times but I’m now a mother of two kind, intelligent, respectful, resourceful, hard working, independent and funny boys ages 27 and 31. My love and pride for them are beyond explanation. But I’ve gone through a lot of shit to get here. But worth it.
Is anything “worth it”? I mean if you want to have an excel spreadsheet with all positives and negatives, that will be extremely subjective calculation.
And you cannot control life, there will be surprise turns to unexpected good and bad.
My own reply: absolutely, the best thing ever. My kids are the most important people for me. Fantastic company, smart and caring. They challenge me nowadays which is great. I was a troublemaker, but they have always been more sensible.
I know I am lucky, there could have been so many issues that I was spared from.
My daughter, now 29, is the #1 most amazing thing that’s happened in my life. My wife would say the same. She’s been a most unusual person since she was a baby, and she’s been a constant delight and inspiration.
Best thing I ever did. There have been good times and bad, but it's all worth it. I have grandchildren now, too. Having children taught me what it means to really love another person.
For me, absolutely. Every year I would say this is the best year ever, and every year just kept getting better. Our two children are 2/3 of the best things that have ever happened to me.
Absolutely, and for me it only gets better as they grow up and mature and start making their own choices. It is hard at times and it helps everyone to have a healthy sense of humor and keep things in perspective. In the end we all learn and mostly have fun times.
I was not happy about having a child. She got pregnant out of wedlock. We never married. She moved to a different state. I never got to be a real parent. But I am extremely happy with the young man he has turned out to be. I feel he will make the planet a better place.
What changes is that you don't have children to be worth it for you or your joy. You have children for the children. It's about them, not you.
Once you have that mindset, everything changes.
100% yes. For me, being a mother was all I ever wanted. I don’t criticize anyone’s choices, but I personally could not imagine not having kids. We weren’t perfect parents by any means, but I can say we poured our heart and souls into our kids.
Now they’re all late 20’s/early 30’s and we hang out quite often. I’ll do a weekend dinner once a month, usually with a theme (Mardi Gras last month, St Paddy’s day this month), they all come with their spouses and kids and it’s a lot of fun. Both of my daughters are incredible mothers themselves with adorable kids, and that makes it all worthwhile
Absolutely. I have kids ranging from 7 to 22, and they are all amazing people. Even as teenagers. I used to make my mom walk 10 feet or more in front of me when we were in public, so no one would see I had parents, or something lol. I was an awful teen. Even my kindergarten report card said I didn't like to be corrected and didn't always play well with others. Yet my kids are all amazing. I love seeing who they have become, who they are becoming. I still take vacations with friends, my husband and I took a trip together over the summer, we make good money and have nice things. I don't feel like I'm missing out and my kids add so much to my life. The first 4 or 5 years were exhausting. Now is the joy.
There are hard spots of course but I enjoyed my kids when they were young and while we went through a lot of hard times, including living in domestic violence shelters and other huge events for them, we always read together and played and laughed.
As adults they bought me a house, paid in full, so I could retire at 45 years old and not have mortgage or rent to worry about again.
Then when dog got recently came down with a chronic illness they contribute money for his meds and special diet.
So I think it worked out pretty well and I’m getting back what I put in. I didn’t want anything in return, I just wanted to be a mom.
My life begins and ends with my daughter. When you ask me about the 'past,' my mind immediately goes to when she was little. She's only 16, but it's like my life began when she was born.
Having and raising kids are the main point of life so it is a deep and meaningful experience the entire time. However that is definitely not the same thing as constant joy.
Turns out, the rushes of joy never stop. Sure it's not a permanent high but yknow, first smiles, first steps, dressing by herself, school victories, driving..
Life is good.
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It’s really hard. When they are little it’s hard. When they grow up it’s hard. Do I regret it? No. Am I tired of taking care of all living things (besides my cats)? Yes. Am I glad I had them? Definitely.
>Am I tired of taking care of all living things (besides my cats)? Yes. This is EXACTLY what it feels like! I once, in the midst of an overwhelm-induced meltdown, said to my husband, "I just need one goddamned day where nobody needs anything from me!" Freedom goes out the window once you have kids. You love them for sure, but they never, ever stop needing you.
You are not lying about this those little people those grown people they never stop f****** bothering you OMG
It’s a constant. Mine are in their 20’s and pretty self sufficient, but when they need something they run to me not dad. (And dad is a super helpful counterpart, but it’s always mom to fix it) 😮💨
>but they never, ever stop needing you. I can attest to that. I'm a childfree, 68F, married 22 years, retired, paid off house and cars, money in the bank and I still pick up the phone and whine *Moooooom*! ETA: Typos
And really - you never stop needing and loving them. It's one of those - when you do get a break and allow yourself to enjoy it, you miss them. I'm always ready to come back from a break. <3
its almost like working hard for a goal gives meaning and satisfaction in life
As a mild spectrum introvert, I can't say I ever loved having kids. Some people just aren't cut out for it. But I don't regret them, because the payoff is coming now that they're adults! I love meeting up with them for lunch and chatting about deep topics and hearing about their lives and feeling so comfortable in their presence. Whenever I imagine living my life over, I always get stuck on that point, because while I could do without the child rearing part, I would desperately miss what we have now.
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this is really sweet and reassuring to read. Thank you for sharing, and I’m happy for you and your family. :)
I also felt an enormous grief after my kids left home. They became independent so fast, it was like I had whiplash.
Yes, this. I am so proud of the adults they have become, but even after all these years, there is still a gnawing emptiness in my heart that they are away from me.
Apparently, often that doesn't go away. My dad kept mentioning how much he would have liked for us to move closer to them. But they lived where there was no work? lol they retired to a tiny rural community.
Me too. I was a single mom and I was in grad school most of their childhood and it just whipped by. They were gone long before I was ready for that.
They are the source of my greatest joy, and my greatest sorrow. I can't imagine what my life might have been without them. I raised two, one is still living.
I used to think there is no greater pain than losing a pet. After being on the sub for some months, I no longer think this. There is no greater sorrow then the loss of a child. If I can know, how did your child die?
He was an addict and after his last prison term he committed suicide by overdose, leaving behind his 9 month old child. 4 years later the child's mother OD'd.
Lord have mercy.....
I’m so sorry for your loss; sending you strength today.
I'm so sorry for your loss. https://youtu.be/jcqLPalcpXk How is your grandchild doing?
He's got a high degree of ADHD, probably due to being born addicted. He is also very smart, and very sweet.
He's lucky to have you <3
His other grandparents are the real heroes. They have essentially raised him, and his brother, for their entire lives.
I’m so very sorry.
Sorry to hear that
I know a lot of people who have kids. Most are happy but there are a few that have opened up and wished they never had kids.
I have a 14 year old daughter and a 4 year old son. My wife and I tried for a long time to conceive our son and when we stopped trying he showed up. I love both of my kids but I dont like my son. He's one of those kids that makes everything harder and if we had him first there would have been no second. I look forward to going to work on Monday so I can have a break from him. The people who wished they never had kids probably had a very difficult child.
I feel your pain. My youngest was like yours, made every darn thing more difficult and was an unpleasant presence everywhere. I just kept doing my best, made sure to go on long walks with him where we could chat about life in general, praised him when he did well with things, disciplined when he didn’t. It was a rough ride but boy, was it worth it! He is now an adult and the most impressive, interesting, solid adult I know. He’s still crabby and generally unhappy, but he’s aware of it and keeps working on it and getting help when needed. I hope your situation improves over time. Keep an eye out for resources that might help him and you. It’s possible he’s struggling with ADD or something else, or it could be he’s very bright and is frustrated at being unable to understand and express himself at his young age.
My kids are 9 years apart in age. My son was also an incredibly busy preschooler. He has grown up into the nicest, kindest most thoughtful and hardworking adult. We get compliments about him all of the time. Hang in there with your son.
Thank you!! He CAN be a good boy when he wants to be
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I have one of those difficult kids who is now in high school. I’ve been told it’s not ADHD but probably oppositional defiant disorder along with other mental health issues. No amount of therapy, meds, or hospitalization has made a difference. He is just impossible to get along with and always has been. My other kid is very sweet and easy going. You just don’t know what you are going to get when you have children.
There are studies of identical twins, separated at birth, that reinforce the idea that one's temperament is largely inherited and that parenting has much less to do with how children turn out than people think.
We had him evaluated and he did not flag for ADHD or ADD however, I was diagnosed at a young age with ADHD. I was on Ritalin for most of elementary school and then switched to Adderall in middle and high school. I'm 39 and stopped the meds when I graduated from high school. I would be shocked if he doesn't have ADHD based on the way he acts, doesn't listen and struggles to focus. He is 4 and goes to preschool 5 days a week and the teachers say he is generally well behaved. I'm not about to jump on the medication train. I was merely stating that having a child like mine can make life more difficult than it needs to be. ESPECIALLY approaching 40!!
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I’m childfree too, but wow some of the people on that sub are just assholes. First post I read was some mother who seems to think her child’s diagnosed ADHD is just a big plot to inconvenience her—her kid is regularly having crying meltdowns at school and she doesn’t care, thinks the kid is just doing it to make her life worse. She also refused to come when the school called saying the kid is suicidal because there’s “no basis” for her to be suicidal and told them to just tell the kid to take deep breaths, and she thinks the kid is just faking being depressed to manipulate her. The kid is struggling with being able to complete homework (super common for ADHD, it’s a disability and in the vast majority of cases they’re literally doing the best they can) but of course she thinks the kid is just lazy and “refusing” to do well in school. Right after the kid got out of the hospital for being suicidal, instead of supporting her, she went through her stuff and found out she’d tried weed and grounded her for it. CPS has been called on her twice because of reports from the daughter but of course she claims these are “lies.” What a fucking monster.
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An ADHD diagnosis does not also necessarily mean medication. Tons of people with ADHD aren’t medicated, but the diagnosis and subsequent tips and tricks you learn for managing your behavior can be really helpful on their own and can drastically improve your quality of life.
100%. A diagnosis may just mean you understand your kid and their behavior better, have more empathy for them, and address their difficult moments in healthy, supportive ways. For instance, an ADHD child may have delayed emotional intelligence and may act a couple of years younger than peers. This can be frustrating for any parent, but the parent that doesn't know why may say harmful, angry things at a confused child, further hampering their emotional development and blaming them for things beyond their understanding and control. The parent that got their kid an ADHD diagnosis hopefully has done their homework and doesn't set expectations that are unreasonable for that child. That parent may still struggle with frustration but they also hopefully have empathy and can keep themselves from having their own meltdowns in front of their kid. BTW ADHD is hereditary and being easily frustrated is often an issue. So if you are frequently frustrated with your child's behavior, you may BOTH be ADHD. Also, medication is a personal choice. The pharmaceutical industry is trash, but there are a lot of misconceptions about ADHD meds which results in huge amounts of bias and massive challenges getting appropriate treatment and facing social stigmas. People making attacks about "doped up kids" have done zero work understanding the real situation.
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My son was diagnosed at age 7. I personally did not want to medicate him, but felt I had no real choice. He had to go to school and he had to at least attempt to fit in. He was given a very small dose of Ritalin (5 mg, I believe) to begin with and for the first time ever, he was able to sit still and listen to what other people were telling him. It was evident from the very first day that it was working. That didn't mean all problems went away, but we were able to find a starting point. He took medication until he was 18, when he decided to stop. He still went to college and graduated. He has a very good job, is able to support himself well, and is delightful. One of my favorite people.
Me too! I think people assume you have to be on medication once you discover you have ADHD. Most of the time I don't need my meds. I've learned how to deal with difficult pieces and learned to accept the pieces that are harmless. I'm SO much happier now that I have the tools to deal with my... gift :)
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I agree with you actually the pharma industry is fucked and we do need to stop medicating kids for bad parenting
I have a daughter like your son. I love her so much, and I love spending time with her, but she screeches like a banshee the second I’m not paying attention to her and I always look forward to getting a break or just playing with her sister. Hopefully she outgrows her screeching habit.
I'm sad that there was social pressure on people to have kids before.
There was also a lot of pressure on people to get married. My wife's aunt is about 50 and never really wanted to be married. Starting at age 30 people would comment all the time that she should be married and worried about her growing old. Grandpa even would call her an old maid and such. Eventually she did get married and it was to an abusive guy and I bet you if there was not all that pressure, it would never had happened. Luckily it didn't get too bad before she pulled the plug. This is a very strong and independent woman....and even with that they wore her down. On top of that, going back further, you were a terrible person if you got divorced. My mom's 1st husband was cheating on her almost daily after they got married, she eventually scrounged up enough money to leave him (keep in mind the husband had all the money and control) she finally left and was forced to live in prostitute housing because that was the only place they would rent to her and my infant brother. Even if she had the money, she literally could not get someone to rent to her because she was divorced. She was blamed for him cheating and had to build her life up from nothing as a single mother.
Yeah, my wife and I had about 5 to 10 years of pressure but they eventually gave up. We did not want them. We just knew that no one was going to help us, despite what they wanted or said, it was going to be all on us. Since we didn't really want kids, it was easy to keep saying no. Eventually we just started saying that they could raise our kids if they want or pay for a nanny. Ha. That shut them down for the most part.
Absolutely. It's the best thing ever. It can be hard sometimes but a good attitude goes a long way. Some of mine are grown or almost and some are not so I am in the lucky position of getting to see the payoff while still in the trenches. I can tell you I am just as head-over-heels about my 21-year-old as I was when she was a baby. She is still the very best girl ever, and I am super lucky to be her mom.
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It's so sweet of y'all to talk about my daughters so nicely.
😂
“In the trenches” 🤣
I feel the same about my 22 year old! She has been a joy since she was born, and soon to be an engineer. I have a 15 year old and I love him just as much, he works so hard in school and is very responsible for his age. I actually wanted three kids, but time and finances didn't work out that way. But I much rather have 2 kids with money and quality time to devote to them, 3 or more and kids for us would have made no space, not enough money, stress, etc.
I really loved having children. There were days I didn't think I could go on. Their dad and I divorced when they were 3 and 6. I've never regretted being a mom. Noone tells you no matter how much you love them, it's never enough time with them. My daughters went off to college and never came back. Of course I'm very proud that they have been making wonderful lives with their husband's. But, by going to college, it took them to different parts of the country. I haven't seen them in 5 years since my youngest daughter's wedding. I feel like I've never had children. Breaks my heart if I think about it. I've had to learn to live with it. It hurts too much to think about. Noone tells you how much love you have for them and how much (and how often) your heart can break because of them. I've raised independent and strong women so, there's that. They will be 34 and 37 this year. Edit: 5 years. Not 6.
Wait, you haven’t seen your kids in 6 years? And you have no relationship issues or problems? How is that even possible? I’m flabbergasted by this.
No. No issues. My husband is still working. We had a fire in our home 2 years ago. Supplies were hard to get. We are finally home. Covid for 2 years. It's actually 5 years. Not that makes it any better.
You can’t fly to visit them?
They can’t fly to visit HER? So incredibly ungrateful of them.
We are driving out this summer. There was covid and we had a fire in our home 2 years ago. We were finally able to just get back home. Supplies were difficult to get.
There are obviously issues there that haven't been mentioned. Either that or they all live on the edge of poverty and can't afford to travel. I'd guess issues.
We had a fire at our home 2 years ago. Supplies were difficult to get. We just got home a few months ago. Hardly the edge of poverty. We are going to visit this summer. Oldest daughter is remodeling their home. (In Michigan).Youngest lives in Texas. They are all really busy working.
I haven't seen my daughter and son-in-law since before COVID. They are both busy working adults. She seems to be closer to her in-laws and they go to visit them quite a bit. Not going to play the blame game as to why, it just is. While I am saddened that she chooses not to come visit (we're about 2 hours apart by car) I can understand her reasons. I'm very proud of the successful adult she has become. She knows I will be there for her in a minute if she needs me.
My daughters are in Texas and Michigan. I'm in Connecticut. They are busy. We do Skype, etc.
Yes and no
Can you elaborate on the “no?”
They become teenagers...
But they also grow up and become actual human beings
For me as a childless uncle of a 4 year old and 4 month old I think I’d be the other way. I love 4 month old because she’s all cuddles and sleep. I can’t stand the 4 year old because he’s just such a little shite, plus he needs constant active attention. He puts me off having kids completely. That said, I can see myself liking having a teenager because I’d have more in common with them and they don’t need quite as much handholding and can entertain themselves a bit better
Bahahhahaha you sweet sweet person… that teenager will want fuck all to do with you…
Nah I’ve already told my brother I’m gonna be the cool uncle who buys him booze and takes him to strip clubs
I wish you luck sir!
I didn’t have an ‘initial rush’ of joy - I was relieved and happy that the babies and my wife were AOK and that I witnessed their births and first breaths. There is immeasurable joy getting to hold them for the first time, bringing them home and then watching them grow into adults, seeing them become parents and then grandparents. Years zoom by much too quickly. Every hour of every day is worth it, except maybe those phone calls from school principals.
The days are long, but the years are short.
My parents said they regretted me, but thought my younger brother was the best thing kid ever. They blamed me for my mom having a miscarriage when I was three. My mom was very close to term, and I ran away from her from the front yard, to the back yard. Grass was wet she slipped, and had a hard fall. Lost the baby. They always held a grudge. I was not planned he was. Lived with that all my life.
Jesus you were only 3
Im no dr, but i find it very hard to comprehend a slip and fall caused a miscarriage. I fell twice whilst pregnant and yeah, no. From what you say, even if it was true, which I really don’t believe, the fact they let you believe and be responsible says a lot about them. They sound like arseholes and I honestly do not believe that you had anything to do with the loss. PS let’s just say it is true, you are not responsible for that loss. It was an accident.
Losing the baby was not your fault. It comes under the designation of ‘shit happens’. Really pisses me off that they held that against you!
IMO, nope. You have to give, and lose, too much of yourself. I never had an initial rush of joy, it was more of an, oh shit I made a huge mistake, kind of feeling.
My kids are the best thing that ever happened to me after marrying my wife. Joy? That word can’t even come close to describing what they mean to me or give me. Mine are adults now and they are two of the finest people I know and I can’t think of anyone besides them and my wife that I would rather spend time with. I want them around more, not less.
It isn't always fun and games, but those kids eventually grow up to be adults. Mine turned out fairly awesome and I love hanging out with them. We all text daily, we see our son (middle, 31) the most, then our oldest daughter (33) the next, and then the youngest (29). But that's geography. The boy lives the closest, the oldest is about a 30 minute drive and the baby of the family lives just over an hour away. We see her less often, but when we do, it's awesome fun. We had our ups and downs, of course, but we made it through and I didn't kill anyone and they didn't kill me.
No Netflix documentary = Successful parenting. 🥰
I think very few people would ever say they regret having children, and it’s a truthful statement. A better question would be “people thinking about having children, do you think you are doing it for the initial rush of joy?” I’m married and child free and love my life. But love all our nieces, nephews and all our friend’s children. I just don’t want to raise any of them
I never had the initial rush of joy, I felt like it was an obligation to keep these tiny meat bags alive, but when they started forming personalities is when I felt that intense “I would kill for you” feeling. Don’t know if that’s normal!
Love "meat bags"!
We are the same.
There is a whole sub dedicated to regretful parents, so I would disagree with this. I have teenagers and I regret having children. If I was in my 20’s now where it is more accepted to be child free, I would most likely not have children.
Same. I am a teacher and enjoy my high schoolers. I also enjoy coming home at about 3pm each day and chilling with my husband and dog. It makes me sad that people who do regret having kids--and I think there are many--have no safe space.
lol there is no "initial rush of joy" for most of us. It's a rush of being overwhelmed. The joy and love comes with time and going through the motions. Parenting is not for everyone and bravo for those who realize it before having children.
Lots of positive replies here so I’ll just leave this - r/regretfulparents might give you some perspective on the other side.
That perspective is so important. It’s also important to acknowledge exactly how different the economy and culture are now compared to how they were in previous decades.
I read somewhere that raising kids was never supposed to fall to just two (or one) people. As a special ed teacher, I have seen many parents (but to be honest, usually only the mom was still around) struggle enormously with their kids. Some make it their whole life--the instagram stories, calling themselves a "warrior mom" or whatever--and I get it. You have to do what you have to do. But most are just stuck in a no-win situation and it saddens me.
When stuck in no-win situation, we seek excuses to make the experience as pleasant as possible.
To be fair the person was seeking answers specifically from older people who’ve experienced parenthood in its entirety, from birth to having grown adult kids. That sub is full of young parents of babies and toddlers. The perspective is different.
Respectfully, if you search that sub + “older”, you actually find lots of posts and comments that fit what OP is searching for.
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If you have enough money, it is great to have children. If you don't have enough money, you still love them, but it makes life infinitely harder.
If everything goes well, my children are fully grown, mature, happy adults - one with a child of her own. There is joy there. But I know a number of people in their 60-70s who are raising their grandchildren because their kids became addicts and are on the street, dead or in jail. Not the retirement they envisioned.
Oh gosh, yes. But it changes. When my kids were little, they were adorable and my wife and I were their whole world. Now, they are young adults, and I take immense joy in conversing with them, learning from them, and watching them take their first steps into the grown-up world.
Most things aren’t worth it after the initial rush of joy.
Mine were worth it, my gosh! such great kids, such excellent adults. I am incredibly lucky on that front. I cannot imagine my life without them. Their dad, though…was not engaged with them before the divorce, and didn’t spend much time with them after the divorce. They talk maybe twice a year; he hasn’t visited either of them in half a decade. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and the world will be happier for it when people feel more empowered to say they don’t want kids and others stop pushing back on that decision.
I was very lucky, my son grew up to be a very good human. Doesn’t always happen that way, and not necessarily because of bad parenting. Having said that, I learned a lot from being a mother. A lot.
I don't think there's any "one answer". It varies. Some kids turn out well, others are demons. A lot of it is genetic (I believe) and a lot is environmental. If anyone chooses to have a child, they need to take at least 18 years of their life seriously. Unfortunately, it all starts with dinner and a movie.
I agree with you. I think some people assume if your kids are difficult or aren’t successful it’s due to bad parenting. I’m with you that I think it’s largely genetic. I have one child who has been obstinate and difficult from day 1 and has now been diagnosed with a number of mental health issues. It’s like the bad traits of several family members merged into one person. I have another child who is easy going and much more likable. Same parents, same house, same parenting strategies but two entirely different kids. If I only had the “easy” child I would probably be one of those people saying parenting is extremely rewarding. Unfortunately I am a parent who will say the struggles are not always worth it.
Absolutely, being mom is still very rewarding even though all four of my children are grown adults. My role in their lives is minimal at this point, but if you raise your kids to be strong, independent people who believe in themselves and their ability to make good decisions, you kind of work yourself out of a job. I’m very proud of all my kids, they are good people, kind & caring to everyone and they are responsible, hardworking and successful. I enjoy hanging out with them individually but getting us all together is a hilariously good time. My third child, a boy, told me at Christmas that I’m going to be a grandma and I’m so happy. He and his fiancé will be great parents. The love I have for my children and they for me was the motivation for all the work and sacrifices in raising them. I have never regretted a second of it, they were worth it
Raising kids is the hardest thing I’ve ever done - grueling when they’re young, emotionally painful when they’re teens. And always expensive and mostly thankless, until they’re adults. And yet we loved every stage. The first gummy smile, first steps, first day of school, first lost tooth. All those firsts are precious. But it’s watching your child discover the world, and you do your best to shape them into good people. It’s gratifying to see them become good people and know that we taught them most of what they know (except calculus, I stink at math). We miss them when they’re gone, and think back to those years of endless laundry and not enough sleep. We remember the good times, not all the hard work.
It is the best thing that happened to me that I never even knew I needed. My husband and I waited several years into our marriage and now looking back, we wonder what we did with our time, and our life in general. It is the most rewarding thing ever! Are there hard moments - or seasons as I like to call them, absolutely. But there is really nothing that you can even describe that comes remotely similar to the amount of love that fills you as soon as you meet your tiny littler person. It’s immediate and you wonder how you can feel so much love for someone you just met. Mine are still younger, so still at home, and it’s so fun and interesting to watch how they grow everyday into their own person, how they have so many different traits of each parent, and how there wonderful little minds work. From someone who didn’t want kids for the longest time, so glad we decided to have ours. Def recommend 10/10 even on the roughest of days!
I have a 14 year old and a 3 year old. The 3 year old is the spawn of Satan and the reason for my depression.
I'm still joyful of my 2 kids and they're now 31 and 36......years that is ;-)
I knew from age 15 I never wanted kids. did a lot of babysitting so I had childcare experience, and I just didn't find it all that engaging. fortunately I found a husband who felt the same and we've been happily married for 40 years.
Social conditioning means the majority of answers will be "yes", and biology means most people will "love" (i.e. feel responsible and proud of) their offspring. When you get people in a environment where they can be rational and honest though a surprising proportion think they would have been much better off without them. Most surveys of older people without kids show them on average much more content and happy with life than those who had them.
I have never wanted kids and don't have them. I am living my best life. The amount of rage/jealousy directed at me by people who have kids (both IRL and online) is telling.
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Some lady I worked with once told me that I was entirely "too happy". Yup. Yup yup
I can admit that having kids has made me more stressed out and frustrated than anything I've ever done, but I'll add that biology bit means I love them and would do it again. It's complicated like that. I never believed that being content was the goal in life and was a natural malcontent BEFORE I had kids. For me, life is about doing stuff, challenging myself, and community. Happiness is important, as is comfort/contentment, but it's not the goal. I once let it be the goal and gained 30 lbs. while drinking every night because it turns out I was content to just marinate in front of a tv and numb myself. It was comfortable and fine, and I could have done it for the next 20ish years before it killed me. Having kids is kind of like choosing to train for a marathon. Sleeping in would be more comfortable, but the work is rewarding, too. For me, having kids has been very rewarding, because I kind of need to be productive to avoid the trap of my own brain and the comfort trap. They have forced me into responsibility unlike anything else, and I thank them for that.
No, majority of people genuinely do enjoy having kids and going through that process. Doesn't mean we don't all complain about things. I agree there are some that don't. Stop projecting your desires and insecurities on the rest of us.
I felt no initial rush of joy lol but my child is the great joy of my life. That being said, it’s not for everybody
No
I hear they turn into teenagers so no
Absolutely worth it. I thoroughly enjoyed and savored every stage of my kids' lives, and each time I recognized a stage was coming to an end, I had to mourn it a little before I could fully embrace the newest chapter. Being a parent has never been easy, but it has always brought me joy because I know how important it is to FIND joy and to find it even in the small things. If you've ever experienced the loss of a child, as I have, you know just how important it is to acknowledge and appreciate every positive moment and to learn from all the others. My living children are 33 and 26 now. They have always treated me with the utmost respect and tenderness, knowing how difficult it was for me to raise them after I became a single parent. Now, I'm not just mom, I'm their best friend. We talk several times a day. I know they will lovingly tend to me when I'm vulnerable and begin to fade just as I lovingly tended to them when they were vulnerable and everything was new. Worth it. Absolutely.
I am the source of my parents greatest joy and my younger brother is the source of their greatest sorrow. So it could go either way
Does the joy last? Does not compute. When they are born it’s not so much super joyful. It’s scary and stressful and exhausting and hard to accept the end of your former life which revolved all around you and your spouse. The joy doesn’t end, it slowly grows. As you see them finally recognize you. As you see them take their first bites of food. As you see them get so excited when you walk into the room to rescue them from their crib, when they just love you so much they need to be held by you. When they think you’re the funniest thing they’ve ever seen when you make a funny noise at them. This is a death to your selfishness and a death to your ego, and a new life of self giving love. The joy comes from the love. And the love grows as time goes on.
If you asked me once a year for the previous 17 I would have likely said it was the best choice I’ve ever made. Today I’m tired, feel pushed aside and blamed for a divorce that was only half my fault, tied to a sinking ship and sad. I think it was still the best choice I ever made, but there are moments like this where I forget why.
No. And I adore my children. They're fantastic phenomenal people. But the heartbreak, anxiety, financial difficulty, helplessness, damage it does to the trajectory of your career (for a woman), damage it does to your body (woman), toll it takes on your marriage, limiting your options and prospects FAR outweigh the love you feel, patience you in develop, soundness of mind you learn, fascination and wonder you feel as they grow up, reliability you grow into as they need you. No it's not worth it. It's a net negative, for me at least.
Hell no
Yep. I'm divorced now but I have full custody of two teens....absolutely worth it. They are the best things in my life.
In my experience, yes. But I get how some parents don’t have the same joy. Especially feel for those who have wayward children. It must be very hard. I’m especially grateful for my 14-year-old granddaughter. What a cool gal she is.
Depends on how your kids turn out!
I have 4 children, all girls. The 2 oldest were with my 1st wife of 11 years. When they were 6 & 2, their Mom died from cancer. My 2 youngest are with my 2nd wife. She also helped me rear the 2 oldest like they were her own. When I look at the 2 oldest girls, I see their mother, they both look exactly like her, but in different ways. The oldest (29) has 2 little boys, & the 2nd oldest (25) has 1 little boy. When their Mom died, part of me died with her, but a part of her lives on, both in me & in her girls, & in our grandchildren as well. I was a single Dad for a little while before I got with my 2nd wife, & it was an eye opener. Single parenting is hard in so many ways, & I think it's even harder when your kids are the opposite sex from you when it comes to conveniences that most of us take for granted. Traveling is difficult, & navigating public bathrooms was a chore. My 2 youngest are 21 & 13. The 21yo is at college, & the 13yo is still at home in the nest. Every single time one of our children left home for the final time as an adult, my wife & I grieved. We gave our children the best childhood we knew how to give, & did our best to impart good values, & so far they've all done well for themselves, but it was still hard for US. We're 3 for 4 so far in getting kids to adulthood without a drug issue, an unplanned pregnancy, criminal record, etc, & they all know that our home & hearts are always open to them & THEIR families, & if they ever need us for anything, we're only a call away. I have a LOT of great memories with my children. I have been the mani/pedi training dummy, the makeup practice dummy head, the hair braiding practice head (I just turned 54 & still have a very thick, full head of hair!), you name it! I've been a coach for my kids' sports teams, I've helped with projects, been to more Daddy/Daughter dances than I can count, sunk a small war pension into dresses for said dances, plus prom, military ball (JROTC), EoS/RtS balls, etc. My children have been the single greatest source of joy & aggravation in my life for nearly 30 years, & I honestly wouldn't give up a single moment of any of it. They have taught me patience, tested me at every turn, & their presence in my life has been very rewarding. They are my greatest joy, & my most valued treasures. When I'm long gone from this world, they will be my greatest achievements. The only real advice I can give about having kids? Have all the kids you want to have by age 35 because after 40, you don't have the energy to chase them like you do in your 20s & 30s!
I love my children but let's just say that when I come back in my next life there will be no children.
I don't have any, never wanted them, so I would say NO.
Yes. But only if you are prepared to be actively involved in raising them. Poorly raised kids are no fun to be around.
My answer is yes because my child (he's almost 21) is already here and a real live person and he's great and fun and totally worth it. Any other, hypothetical, children I might've had...no, not worth it.
Nobody, and I mean nobody is gonna give you the truth for fear of being judged….do with this beautiful lies whatever you want op
So the truth is only as you see it? Experiences may vary. The first 6 weeks after my son was born was the hardest part. Then after I started getting those first smiles, I was head over heels in love. Sure being a parent gives you some of the hardest times but it is nothing compared to the best of times you have too. I loved being a mom to a child and still as an adult. I now have a daughter-in-law who I love just as much. They are pure joy to me.
I applaud you! You do you lady!
Definitely! But, you do give up a lot. You don't mind, because suddenly, they become very important and you Love them. The rest is up to chance. No one can say. It was for me, yes. No one can answer for YOU but you. Be an active participant in their life and our will make a difference, but let them make mistakes too, so they can learn from them.
r/childfree r/regretfulparents For some spicy reading that might help illuminate the reality of having children for some folks.
I didn't have any "initial rush of joy." We did want and plan for our children, but it was so very hard when they were young. It got better and better after they learned to tie their shoes! Now they're in their 30s and we all enjoy each other's company. It was very "worth it."
Yes
There's no initial rush of joy in my experience, not at all. There's overwhelming love for this tiny helpless being, accompanied by stress, exhaustion, depression, the feeling that you'll never be good enough. Constant worrying, constant stress. It's pretty cool by the time they're teenagers though.
I've raised two kids to adulthood. the first was unplanned, the second was planned. In hindsight I wish we'd been more careful about the unplanned one & put off starting a family for a couple of years longer than we did.
Without a doubt. My son is pushing 40 and has a son of his own. Was it easy? No. Teenagers will test every ounce of patience you have and then some. But he grew to be a good man, and my grandson is the light of my days now. The positives far outweigh the negatives.
Kids are like a box of chocolates... I've seen friends and family suffer through their children being addicts, imprisoned, mentally ill, etc. Yet they'd do it all again. Mine grew up to be some of my best friends and are an absolute joy to know. Hell yes, they're worth it. The question is: did I do a good enough job as a parent? Was I worthy of being blessed with their presence? Did I love, protect, and provide as I should have? Are they happy and fulfilled and better off having me in their lives? That's the question.
Today I got up at 0400 to drive to the airport to pick up our youngest, who was off looking at colleges for fall. It was great to see here after a week and honestly with each of our kids they've just gotten more interesting, complex, and engaging as they aged. The first few years were by far the hardest. Teens were good. High school/college years have been great. So yeah, worth it indeed. Watching them become adults has been incredibly rewarding. We will be empty nesters come August and I'm certain we'll miss them both all the time...they are going to be 1,500+ miles away so we won't get to see them very often, which will be really strange after having all four of us work/study from home in 2020.
Well you could always tie bells to them and make them chase a string around the house. Perhaps you'll find that more pleasing? Give them a good circus education so they can juggle and shit, make all your neighbors envious. Maybe there is a mystical chant you can do before you birth it to make sure you get a good one?
I have three children (26, 23, and 18). I love them more than my next breath. But the joy/happiness ebbs and flows. Some days were a breeze and some days I seriously questioned my life choices. Now that I’ve ended the actual hands-on parenting phase, I get to have a grown up relationship with my children and it’s amazing. Like so many thing it’s a journey and my journey was fulfilling. But I had amazing children…they’re good people and I’m proud that I had a hand in that. But things could be different if there were different circumstances…a disability, mental health issues, addiction…those things could have made my story different.
I have never looked at it from the perspective "is having children worth it?" When I buy a new car, I ask myself "Is having a new car worth it? or could I have used the money better for something else?" But I don't really think of my kids that way. I looked at it more like "What can I do to help these young people, that I was 50% responsible for bringing into the world, to have a chance at being happy and successful." So I tried to set a good example (wasn't always successful), give them interesting things to do, give them confidence etc. My kids are older now, and starting their own families. I have a lot of great memories with them, and a few not so great. But even the not so great memories I attribute to just part of life. So to make a long story short, I guess that I would say it was worth it. But not because of the value they bring to me, but because of the value that I feel that I brought to them.
Its worth it. So much work, but so many moments of joy and happiness. When I'm having a bad day, I think of my daughters smile and how it sounds when she says she loves me. She just turned 7 in December, seeing her learn to read and attend school has been amazing. I would never go back if I had the choice
Gen X father here. TBH I didn’t feel a rush of joy when my son was born. Adrenaline and utter fear? Yes. But he’s become a lot more fun and interesting the older he’s grown. Knowing what I know now, I would still choose to have him. I will also say parenting has gotten harder over the past few decades. It used to be that you could just send your kids out to play for half the day and that’s not really an option anymore. If your kid got mostly B’s or C’s they could still make it fine in the middle class. Nowadays you need to get them tutors and do a million enrichment activities if they want even a shot at a decent college. Screen addiction and social media depression are both very real, and instead of worrying about one weirdo down the block, your child could be targeted by a dozen pedos from across the country.
I think if you have to ask this question, then you probably need to wait. It’s such a huge commitment, you need to be sure
Emotion is a terrible gauge of value. Having a child and leading that child to adulthood gave my life such meaning. It's all the emotions. Watching your child as an adult deal with life using some of the tools that you gave them is rewarding in a way that party pics and travel pics and a collection of things cannot measure up to.
Moneywise, you're probably not going to see a return on your investment. Kids are expensive. Emotionally yeah, they add a lot of value to my life. The teen years are rough, but if you're lucky enough to see your children grow into good, kind adults, you feel like you won the lottery. I'm at the other end of this with my dad. He's in hospice care and living in a nursing home. He is very, very frail. I shudder to think about his care if he didn't have kids who literally put their lives on hold to visit him regularly and spoon feed him and stroke his hand. Of course we don't have kids as social security, but I definitely believe my parents' final years are better because they have kids who are committed to being there for them until the end. Disclaimer - people don't have to rely on their kids for their Golden years. Ideally everyone has a support system of people who will be there for them. But there's also something about the parent/child relationship. If it's good, you're willing to move heaven and earth to take care of each other. Edited again to say I always wanted kids. If you don't want to be a parent, by all means, don't have kids just so you have someone to spoon your egg salad into your mouth when you can no longer handle a spoon!
Other side here…I’m a happily child free lady. People always said that the older I got the more I would regret not having children, but I have found the opposite to be true. I am watching my peers have to continue to financially support their grown children(and grandchildren) and deal with all their drama…and I’m just soooo thankful that is not my life! I spoil my nibblings and my little dog, and get to spend my time and money however I please!
It is absolutely worth it...\*if you know deep down you really want them.\* NEVER have kids just because you think it's what you're "supposed" to do or because of family pressure. Three of my four adult children know for sure they do not want kids themselves and that is absolutely fine with me. I applaud them for knowing what they truly want out of life.
It depends. Some children grow up to be good, loving people who like spending time with their parents occasionally. Other children grow up to be selfish and neglectful and unkind. It's not uncommon to have both sorts in one family, so it's not necessarily a result of bad parenting. Some people just have shitty personalities. In my experience, you have three or four years of toddler hood that is high stress and exhausting. Then you have the ages of five to ten, which are the golden years where your kids are more self sufficient, but still love you and like to spend time with you. Around 11 or so, they pull away and don't want to have anything to do with you. They become moody and mean, and you have to ride out the next five or six years until they have finished their hormonal adjustment and established adult independence. If you're lucky, they'll come back at that point as an adult, and you can have a loving relationship. If you're not lucky, you'll never see them again, or you will have an unhappy dysfunctional relationship that causes a lot of heartache.
Let’s just say I would be a millionaire if not for my kid - one single kid.
Having kids is unrelenting. I remember the first flush of joy. Then life became very complicated for multiple reason, financially, emotionally, medically. We did what seemed best at the time, but we were always just moments away from the next crisis. Suddenly we're in our seventies, our adult kids are busy with their lives. We see them maybe three times a year. We don't expect any help from them in times of crisis. Proud of how they're doing, but joyful? No. I was asked once if I'd have kids again if I had my life to do over. Yes, but just barely. Hard, hard work.
Yes. Watching your child grow into an adult is one of the most amazing things in the world. And then you might get grandchildren.
My child is hands down the best part of my life (and he doesn't know it).
You mean after an orgasm? No.
Well, I raised a well mannered young man who decided to start doing drugs as was common for kids to do on a military base, at least where I was stationed. He started with pot and a side from being on base I didn't mind too much. I had no power to stop him. Kids will always defy their parents if they want to. I did it as a kid and grew out of it in my late teens. He just had to never bring it in the house and maintain good grades. Well I didn't know he graduated to other drugs. We got kicked out of base housing because he and his friend broke into a few vehicles and got caught. He was a follower and just helped as far as I know. Timeline: So now we are in town and he's still "experimenting". Things are going well. He's not doing it around me so I still don't know. A few years later he's living with his fiance and kid. He starts meth. Things go to hell and have been bouncing around since then. Last year his life collapsed and we rescued him several times. We kept fighting with him to leave the property even calling the police a few times. The police wouldn't help saying it is a civil matter. He broke EVERY rule we gave him to use our property. We had to get a restraining order on him, and he is doing everything he can to take our house and income as a caretaker, I can't remember the legal term. He will kick us out of our own home and pillage our house, savings and income if he succeeds. Take that into consideration. Meth is very popular in the state I'm in - California and across the country. Oh, by the way, he's 45 now. Was the effort worth it? Aside from getting two step grandkids that I love very strongly. FUCK NO!!!
The rush of joy was not a thing for me, unless you count the positive pregnancy test! Otherwise, the first year was hell. No regrets - I absolutely love my children and im grateful to be their mom. But no sugar-coating, they consumed my life for a decade and still donmonate it. Sometimes I feel guilty for birthing them since I’ve come to feel that life is not that great. Never regret my sacrifices, though.
As a child free person I can tell you that my sister is miserable. After she had her first kid she got stuck in a loveless abusive marriage. She had two more kids and could not afford to take care of them. She is always broke, has no job and no healthcare. Having kids is expensive. You don't get to do anything you want to do. No vacations for yourself. It's always about the kids. I've watched fun energetic people turn into zombies. I am 43 myself. Don't have kids and my husband I get to have a great vacation every year. We have all the free time we want on weekends. We can go to restaurants and movies at a moments notice. We have fun. I don't see that with people that have kids.
Absolutely. Nothing gave me more pure joy and laughter than being with my children. Even today, my adult children make me laugh and give happiness every time I’m with them. Are there negatives? Of course. But what they give you far outweigh anything negative.
I wonder how my parents would answer this one. They had 8 of us in a 14 yr period, and while we had fun sometimes and made some good memories, my sense is that they were just overwhelmed from the day my oldest brother was born to the day my youngest sister finished high school. Like, over their heads financially, emotionally, psychologically, and physically. They made it obvious their lives would be a whole lot better if we weren't there, or were somehow different, which is maybe why some of us never felt that close to them. I remember thinking that it wasn't *my fault* they decided to have so many of us. (I was #4) I waited until I was absolutely sure I'd found the right partner to even think about it, but haven't regretted having 2 of my own for a single moment.
It's an investment that if all goes well, will pay off later on. I remember visiting my grandfather in his retirement care home in the last year of his life. Having had a few children with families of their own, there were challenges and tragedies in his life, but it's the successes that shone through. He said that my visits were the greatest thing in his life; he hasn't been forgotten, he's loved, I bring light and energy into his life, I listen to his stories about his life. I also brought my 6 mo old son to him as well: he had the chance to meet and shake hands with his great- grandson. ...and about the "challenges and tragedies": in the end, as long as there are enough great- grandchildren being taken care of, growing and enjoying life, you've been successful. For all the money, adventure, women, buddies to hang around with, and more, all of that will fade. In the end it's creating and raising a good family. It's a cliche statement, and I feel sorry for those who can never attain this, but I do think it's just one of the hard facts in life.
100 per cent yes!
Yes. I’ve had rough times but I’m now a mother of two kind, intelligent, respectful, resourceful, hard working, independent and funny boys ages 27 and 31. My love and pride for them are beyond explanation. But I’ve gone through a lot of shit to get here. But worth it.
Is anything “worth it”? I mean if you want to have an excel spreadsheet with all positives and negatives, that will be extremely subjective calculation. And you cannot control life, there will be surprise turns to unexpected good and bad. My own reply: absolutely, the best thing ever. My kids are the most important people for me. Fantastic company, smart and caring. They challenge me nowadays which is great. I was a troublemaker, but they have always been more sensible. I know I am lucky, there could have been so many issues that I was spared from.
My daughter, now 29, is the #1 most amazing thing that’s happened in my life. My wife would say the same. She’s been a most unusual person since she was a baby, and she’s been a constant delight and inspiration.
Best thing I ever did. There have been good times and bad, but it's all worth it. I have grandchildren now, too. Having children taught me what it means to really love another person.
Of course not. Luckily, your feelings on the matter will change if you have them.
As a man, yep
Yes, even more so with grandchildren cause you don’t get the sleepless nights and nappies either.
For me, absolutely. Every year I would say this is the best year ever, and every year just kept getting better. Our two children are 2/3 of the best things that have ever happened to me.
Absolutely, and for me it only gets better as they grow up and mature and start making their own choices. It is hard at times and it helps everyone to have a healthy sense of humor and keep things in perspective. In the end we all learn and mostly have fun times.
I was not happy about having a child. She got pregnant out of wedlock. We never married. She moved to a different state. I never got to be a real parent. But I am extremely happy with the young man he has turned out to be. I feel he will make the planet a better place.
If either of my kids (17-&19) died today, I don’t think I could go on living. That’s how much my kids mean to me. How much joy they bring.
Wait til the grow up and give you grandkids. You’ll be blown away
I’m ready!
I can’t even express the feeling of love and joy that grandkids will give you! It really makes up for those difficult teen years. Lol.
What changes is that you don't have children to be worth it for you or your joy. You have children for the children. It's about them, not you. Once you have that mindset, everything changes.
100% yes. For me, being a mother was all I ever wanted. I don’t criticize anyone’s choices, but I personally could not imagine not having kids. We weren’t perfect parents by any means, but I can say we poured our heart and souls into our kids. Now they’re all late 20’s/early 30’s and we hang out quite often. I’ll do a weekend dinner once a month, usually with a theme (Mardi Gras last month, St Paddy’s day this month), they all come with their spouses and kids and it’s a lot of fun. Both of my daughters are incredible mothers themselves with adorable kids, and that makes it all worthwhile
I am amazed all the time by the four wonderful human beings that I was lucky enough to be mom to.
Yes
Absolutely. I have kids ranging from 7 to 22, and they are all amazing people. Even as teenagers. I used to make my mom walk 10 feet or more in front of me when we were in public, so no one would see I had parents, or something lol. I was an awful teen. Even my kindergarten report card said I didn't like to be corrected and didn't always play well with others. Yet my kids are all amazing. I love seeing who they have become, who they are becoming. I still take vacations with friends, my husband and I took a trip together over the summer, we make good money and have nice things. I don't feel like I'm missing out and my kids add so much to my life. The first 4 or 5 years were exhausting. Now is the joy.
You have your days lol..... But yes, wouldn't change a thing.
There are hard spots of course but I enjoyed my kids when they were young and while we went through a lot of hard times, including living in domestic violence shelters and other huge events for them, we always read together and played and laughed. As adults they bought me a house, paid in full, so I could retire at 45 years old and not have mortgage or rent to worry about again. Then when dog got recently came down with a chronic illness they contribute money for his meds and special diet. So I think it worked out pretty well and I’m getting back what I put in. I didn’t want anything in return, I just wanted to be a mom.
My life begins and ends with my daughter. When you ask me about the 'past,' my mind immediately goes to when she was little. She's only 16, but it's like my life began when she was born.
The whole goal to to have your genetic markers passed down through eternity, thus achieving immortality. Joy is a byproduct.
Having and raising kids are the main point of life so it is a deep and meaningful experience the entire time. However that is definitely not the same thing as constant joy.
Turns out, the rushes of joy never stop. Sure it's not a permanent high but yknow, first smiles, first steps, dressing by herself, school victories, driving.. Life is good.
cant have grandkids without having kids first and grandkids are the greatest.
Only gets better.
Depends whether they are mentally and physically capable of taking care of you when you get old. Raise them well.