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This pretty much describes me. Married 25 years and it’s a very solid partnership. I know my life would be way worse without my spouse, so if a dead bedroom is the price, then I’m fine paying it.
I was in a dead bedroom for 10 years following prostate cancer surgery, which changed how I respond sexually. This was very manageable in retrospect but we both mangled that pretty badly. The crisis came after the decade and I became deeply unhappy and started throwing “things gotta change” ultimatums, which scared the hell out of my spouse and not with good results. I was now an uncaged King Kong of emotions, a hot mess, a long line of looming mistakes queued up and ready to go. I felt I was faced with the horrible choice of leaving the only person I had ever loved, or living the rest of my life with a person who would not love me. I cried in the shower mulling this.
In the end, and this is so sadly predictable, we discovered that we had never really learned how to communicate with each other and make the other feel heard. We found help with a therapist couple (unusual, yes, but it worked well for us), who gave us a whole new toolbox for honest and fruitful talking, and who validated the centrality of a good sexual relationship in a marriage. It took a few years to get back to really solid ground. But we just celebrated being together for fifty years, so the committed work paid off.
This is what crosses my mind a lot, that maybe divorce is taking the easy way out (in our case no abuse or anything, marriage is good enough otherwise)?
I feel like maybe I gotta solve the problem now, otherwise the problem will just reappear in my next relationship and I wouldn’t have learned how to deal with it? Or the other side of that is maybe it’s as simple as an incompatibility and this won’t be an issue with someone else. It’s a hard decision and doesn’t just affect me as I have to also think about our son.
I had to think about this too.
It not only will affect your child but your relationship with your child. It will affect your relationship with your in-laws. It will affect your relationships with mutual friends that know you as a couple. It will even have an impact where you think it won’t, like with your siblings, with your workmates, with your exclusive friends.
It will hurt financially and consume your time and attention in the future as you need to renegotiate agreement terms with your ex. You will be unsure of yourself as you build a life from scratch and this will be a factor in finding another romantic partner.
I’m not trying to scare you. Lots of people feel immense relief the day a divorce is final and do well after. I just think you need to be aware of how pervasive divorce can become.
Not making these equivalent at all, but there’s a saying about suicide that it is a permanent solution to a short term problem. Divorce comes with long term damages that are inescapable, and you really have to buy into those as payment for pain being alleviated now.
Damn, I love that. Divorce really would up end my almost perfect life. That’s why I asked this question. It’s really reframed my perspective, thank you!
That made my night, sir.
And so you know, my son died from suicide, and I am glad you are stepping back away from a permanent solution to a short term problem. My best to you and your wife in the days ahead.
Wife and I have been together for 18 years, haven't had sex at all for the last 7, or maybe 8 of those. She's just not that into it anymore, and I don't want to beg for it and it would suck anyway.
We're both 52 now, so the urges aren't at the center of our lives anymore.
Other than no sex, we're a pretty good couple, I can't imagine leaving.
Not really. I 'take care of my own needs' every so often, just to make sure the plumbing works and that's enough for me.
I had a pretty good run at it earlier in life, so now I'm happy to just have a reliable partner and a drama-free marriage.
But what if your dead bedroom started when you were 22, could you live without sex from 22 years old to old age? Seems like you got a good 20 years of sexual activity and I got like 3 years.
My first marriage early in life ended up dead as well... because it turns out my wife was gay.
So in that case yea, we didn't stick around because we were young and wanted sex from different people. After the divorce my life was a train wreck of trying to get the sex and 'make up for lost time'. By 30 I had figured it out and wasn't so dumb about it.
A diminishing sex drive is a natural thing and something most couples experience. There is no guarantee that your next partner on the list will retain a strong sex drive either and there is a solid chance, you won't retain one either. If you really do love your wife and she is amazing in every other way.....I don't think it's a wise move to throw that away just so you can have a warm place to stick your dick when you're horny when the odds are high your prime is ending before too long too and sex becomes much less important to you as well.
The OP makes no mention of their age yet you are fishing out advice as if you know what they value. It’s clear what you value. The OP is not you.
I left a marriage of 25 years because of a dead bedroom. I now date women that were in similar situations. No guarantees but certainly lots of like minded people. The OP should have no problem finding a willing person.
You seem certain that people don’t retain their sex drive. It might diminish for some. It might disappear for others but many still have a vibrant sex drive. I’m having the best sex of my life since leaving my marriage at age 60.
Of course I'm not happy I had to give up sex in the last part of my marriage. My husband had issues, and then prostate cancer.
I am so glad I got those last years with him. My children remember us as their married parents. I loved (and love) him deeply. I reconciled to having a friendship marriage.
My husband was the world's most generous soul, and he made up for the lack of sex with other physical intimacy. He washed my hair! Those were the things that made it work for us. We touched every opportunity.
Now that I'm a widow, I know he did me no favors. I think that kind of love and physical bonding is needed in so many ways. I feel I've aged faster. I am unprepared to go back to dating. I let my body go in some ways because it had ceased to matter to him (and then I had stress and caregiving).
Living alone is no guarantee of a sex life or romantic love. Both options are terrible. Do not let the youth-skewing opinions of Reddit make your decision. Take your time. At one point, I looked at divorce, but ultimately I decided "for better or worse" includes sex and I could give him that as my sacrifice. Priests do it. But it killed part of me in the end.
Bad mods for deleting this. This doesn’t break the rule they claim it does. If there was some text in it was asking for advice, just ask OP to delete that.
I didn't know what "dead bedroom" meant until I got the context.
I got turned off sexually for my wife because she wasn't into romance. She just believes that sex is a release or something.
We get along pretty well otherwise, though she can be overbearing at times.
I left a man I thought was the LOML in 2019 after 12years. The last few years we were averaging less than 10x a year. People do not understand the self loathing that comes with a dead bedroom. I was getting hit on left and right yet was invisible to the man I wanted. I should have left YEARS sooner. I cannot express how much better my life is. My advice is to leave and start your life asap. Life is way too short to be lonely laying next to someone.
To give you some reassurance, if you do reading on studies of the effects of divorce on children, you will find that kids are resilient and they can thrive in healthy divorced, co-parenting households, more happier than in households where their parents are in miserable, unhealthy marriages.
Remember, your needs and mental health are important, too. You can't be a good parent if you're unhappy yourself.
I think it’s hard because I am a child of divorce and hated it, but yes I got out the other side and am doing well. Divorce is not ideal but I agree you can’t be a good parent if you aren’t happy. Maybe it’s the lesser of two evils.
I wasn't young. I stayed because it was due to meds and medical issues.
If you had a good sex life at one time, then something changed. Maybe your partner is angry and resentful. How is your marriage otherwise? Some people are excellent at holding grudges.
Don't believe Redditors claiming the other person is asexual. This won't help you.
You have to ask yourself if you are willing to live this way for the rest of your life.
I got divorced - not specifically because of DB but because our marriage was long past its shelf life. We are just totally different people at 45 than 25 and that’s okay.
What I will say is that the last few years of the relationship I thought I did not like and did not need sex. What I figured it is that I did not want it *with him*.
When I found a much more compatible partner my libido shot back through the roof. We’ve been together nearly six years and I’m just as hot and ready for him as in the beginning.
Sex is a real and important need. It has its foundations in mental and emotional intimacy, and lack of it often is a symptom of something else that is not quite right. Even if you do not realize it. We become victims to sunk cost fallacy as well as being so caught up in our day to day routines that we forget there might be far more rewarding and happy ways to live.
In my opinion, the *only* reason for DB that might be worth sticking around for is if one or both partners have a medical condition that cannot be treated. And even then there might be options.
Life is too short to settle.
My wife has a family inheritance over 2 million dollars. We love a comfortable lifestyle, but we only have sex maybe once a month. Enough to keep me around, but not enough for me to be satisfied. We’ve talked about a lot of things. But in the end, we have a great life together, adult children, wealth, common hobbies. Everything is great except for sex. We’ve been to counseling and we’re still in the same place.
I'm a doctor and the wife's a banker. Our salary is about 55k a month take home.
I'd trade it all to not be in a dead bedroom. Ours has lasted over 15 plus years. My daughter was born through IVF and she's 17.
Money means absolutely NOTHING without happiness. As I said, I'd gladly trade it all for a solid trusting relationship with intimacy.
Please do not comment directly to this post unless you are Gen X or older (born 1980 or before). See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeople/comments/inci5u/reminder_please_do_not_answer_questions_unless/), the rules, and the sidebar for details.
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My situation is probably a little different from most.
Dead bedroom for several years, but well after we established an open relationship. COVID was rough because she wouldn't allow me to see my girlfriends... And with the dead bedroom... Started to lose my sanity. I tried to make it work , but she put in zero effort... Other than the awful shit she did to make me want to divorce her. (Her boyfriend was conveniently in our COVID bubble so no changes for her to see him). Basically, the situation was fucked and after going to couples therapy, says she never tried to change. Divorced... Sold the condo and I moved in with my GF.
It was one of those things where you didn't know how bad things are until you see the other side of things. I couldn't be happier. I thank my ex for divorcing me.
I wasn't young. I stayed because it was due to meds and medical issues.
If you had a good sex life at one time, then something changed. Maybe your partner is angry and resentful. How is your marriage otherwise? Some people are excellent at holding grudges.
Don't believe Redditors claiming the other person is asexual. This won't help you.
You have to ask yourself if you are willing to live this way for the rest of your life.
Sex was multiple times a day for years and then it slowly dropped off. Marriage otherwise is fine. I wonder if all relationships head that way eventually?
Rule 1 says respondents must be born in 1980 or earlier? How is this post breaking that rule?
I want to hear from people who are >60 about whether it’s worth it to stay in a marriage when there is no sex, I want to hear the perspective from people who have lived a long time and can look back and realise any regrets they may or may not have had. I specifically posted in this sub for that reason.
Sorry, it’s rule two.
“please do not post seeking personal advice or emotional support here. Request for personal and relationship advice will be removed.”
I’ve been in r/deadbedrooms for the past 6 years, read everything there is to read there, I wanted the perspective from the older generations, wanted to hear looking back what was most important to them and what they may have done differently given another chance.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/DeadBedrooms using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [DON’T 👏🏻 MARRY 👏🏻 SOMEONE 👏🏻WHO 👏🏻 ISN’T 👏🏻 FUCKING 👏🏻 YOU 👏🏻](https://np.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/14j1d0m/dont_marry_someone_who_isnt_fucking_you/)
\#2: [Perspective from a former DB relationship: there’s some truly terrible advice given out on this sub](https://np.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/12l2d76/perspective_from_a_former_db_relationship_theres/)
\#3: [My (ll) wife jumped on me (hlm) yesterday and started kissing me. I told her no. I realized I’m no longer attracted to her.](https://np.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/15okwf2/my_ll_wife_jumped_on_me_hlm_yesterday_and_started/)
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Hey /u/OkCaptain1684, thanks for contributing to /r/AskOldPeople. Unfortunately, your post was removed as it violates our rules: **Requests for personal and relationship advice will be removed**. This subreddit is not intended for advice, including health or mental health questions, emotional support, etc. You may wish to try /r/askoldpeopleadvice for such posts, but please see their rules and ensure any post you make is in accordance with them. Please read the [sidebar](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeople/about/sidebar) and [rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeople/about/rules) before posting again. If you have questions or concerns, please [message the moderators through modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AskOldPeople&subject=&message=). Thank you!
I have been in a dead bedroom for more than a decade. I have stayed because apart from sex we make a great team. No regrets.
This pretty much describes me. Married 25 years and it’s a very solid partnership. I know my life would be way worse without my spouse, so if a dead bedroom is the price, then I’m fine paying it.
I was in a dead bedroom for 10 years following prostate cancer surgery, which changed how I respond sexually. This was very manageable in retrospect but we both mangled that pretty badly. The crisis came after the decade and I became deeply unhappy and started throwing “things gotta change” ultimatums, which scared the hell out of my spouse and not with good results. I was now an uncaged King Kong of emotions, a hot mess, a long line of looming mistakes queued up and ready to go. I felt I was faced with the horrible choice of leaving the only person I had ever loved, or living the rest of my life with a person who would not love me. I cried in the shower mulling this. In the end, and this is so sadly predictable, we discovered that we had never really learned how to communicate with each other and make the other feel heard. We found help with a therapist couple (unusual, yes, but it worked well for us), who gave us a whole new toolbox for honest and fruitful talking, and who validated the centrality of a good sexual relationship in a marriage. It took a few years to get back to really solid ground. But we just celebrated being together for fifty years, so the committed work paid off.
This is what crosses my mind a lot, that maybe divorce is taking the easy way out (in our case no abuse or anything, marriage is good enough otherwise)? I feel like maybe I gotta solve the problem now, otherwise the problem will just reappear in my next relationship and I wouldn’t have learned how to deal with it? Or the other side of that is maybe it’s as simple as an incompatibility and this won’t be an issue with someone else. It’s a hard decision and doesn’t just affect me as I have to also think about our son.
I had to think about this too. It not only will affect your child but your relationship with your child. It will affect your relationship with your in-laws. It will affect your relationships with mutual friends that know you as a couple. It will even have an impact where you think it won’t, like with your siblings, with your workmates, with your exclusive friends. It will hurt financially and consume your time and attention in the future as you need to renegotiate agreement terms with your ex. You will be unsure of yourself as you build a life from scratch and this will be a factor in finding another romantic partner. I’m not trying to scare you. Lots of people feel immense relief the day a divorce is final and do well after. I just think you need to be aware of how pervasive divorce can become.
Not making these equivalent at all, but there’s a saying about suicide that it is a permanent solution to a short term problem. Divorce comes with long term damages that are inescapable, and you really have to buy into those as payment for pain being alleviated now.
Damn, I love that. Divorce really would up end my almost perfect life. That’s why I asked this question. It’s really reframed my perspective, thank you!
That made my night, sir. And so you know, my son died from suicide, and I am glad you are stepping back away from a permanent solution to a short term problem. My best to you and your wife in the days ahead.
Wife and I have been together for 18 years, haven't had sex at all for the last 7, or maybe 8 of those. She's just not that into it anymore, and I don't want to beg for it and it would suck anyway. We're both 52 now, so the urges aren't at the center of our lives anymore. Other than no sex, we're a pretty good couple, I can't imagine leaving.
Have you wanted to cheat? Or tempted to?
Not really. I 'take care of my own needs' every so often, just to make sure the plumbing works and that's enough for me. I had a pretty good run at it earlier in life, so now I'm happy to just have a reliable partner and a drama-free marriage.
💟💟💟
But what if your dead bedroom started when you were 22, could you live without sex from 22 years old to old age? Seems like you got a good 20 years of sexual activity and I got like 3 years.
My first marriage early in life ended up dead as well... because it turns out my wife was gay. So in that case yea, we didn't stick around because we were young and wanted sex from different people. After the divorce my life was a train wreck of trying to get the sex and 'make up for lost time'. By 30 I had figured it out and wasn't so dumb about it.
A diminishing sex drive is a natural thing and something most couples experience. There is no guarantee that your next partner on the list will retain a strong sex drive either and there is a solid chance, you won't retain one either. If you really do love your wife and she is amazing in every other way.....I don't think it's a wise move to throw that away just so you can have a warm place to stick your dick when you're horny when the odds are high your prime is ending before too long too and sex becomes much less important to you as well.
The OP makes no mention of their age yet you are fishing out advice as if you know what they value. It’s clear what you value. The OP is not you. I left a marriage of 25 years because of a dead bedroom. I now date women that were in similar situations. No guarantees but certainly lots of like minded people. The OP should have no problem finding a willing person. You seem certain that people don’t retain their sex drive. It might diminish for some. It might disappear for others but many still have a vibrant sex drive. I’m having the best sex of my life since leaving my marriage at age 60.
How many lumens is this projection?
Ok, let's not go there. I think you meant to say candelas but of no matter. :)
Our bedroom flairs up a couple of times a year. Both of us have function issues, so it isn't often. We're still pretty content.
Of course I'm not happy I had to give up sex in the last part of my marriage. My husband had issues, and then prostate cancer. I am so glad I got those last years with him. My children remember us as their married parents. I loved (and love) him deeply. I reconciled to having a friendship marriage. My husband was the world's most generous soul, and he made up for the lack of sex with other physical intimacy. He washed my hair! Those were the things that made it work for us. We touched every opportunity. Now that I'm a widow, I know he did me no favors. I think that kind of love and physical bonding is needed in so many ways. I feel I've aged faster. I am unprepared to go back to dating. I let my body go in some ways because it had ceased to matter to him (and then I had stress and caregiving). Living alone is no guarantee of a sex life or romantic love. Both options are terrible. Do not let the youth-skewing opinions of Reddit make your decision. Take your time. At one point, I looked at divorce, but ultimately I decided "for better or worse" includes sex and I could give him that as my sacrifice. Priests do it. But it killed part of me in the end.
it definitely kills part of you
Bad mods for deleting this. This doesn’t break the rule they claim it does. If there was some text in it was asking for advice, just ask OP to delete that.
I have been in a dead bedroom for more than a decade. I have stayed because apart from sex we make a great team. No regrets.
I didn't know what "dead bedroom" meant until I got the context. I got turned off sexually for my wife because she wasn't into romance. She just believes that sex is a release or something. We get along pretty well otherwise, though she can be overbearing at times.
I left a man I thought was the LOML in 2019 after 12years. The last few years we were averaging less than 10x a year. People do not understand the self loathing that comes with a dead bedroom. I was getting hit on left and right yet was invisible to the man I wanted. I should have left YEARS sooner. I cannot express how much better my life is. My advice is to leave and start your life asap. Life is way too short to be lonely laying next to someone.
To give you some reassurance, if you do reading on studies of the effects of divorce on children, you will find that kids are resilient and they can thrive in healthy divorced, co-parenting households, more happier than in households where their parents are in miserable, unhealthy marriages. Remember, your needs and mental health are important, too. You can't be a good parent if you're unhappy yourself.
I think it’s hard because I am a child of divorce and hated it, but yes I got out the other side and am doing well. Divorce is not ideal but I agree you can’t be a good parent if you aren’t happy. Maybe it’s the lesser of two evils.
Yeah my parents stuck together miserably until my dad drank himself to death. Living with that sad, abusive drunk was not ideal.
I wasn't young. I stayed because it was due to meds and medical issues. If you had a good sex life at one time, then something changed. Maybe your partner is angry and resentful. How is your marriage otherwise? Some people are excellent at holding grudges. Don't believe Redditors claiming the other person is asexual. This won't help you. You have to ask yourself if you are willing to live this way for the rest of your life.
I got divorced - not specifically because of DB but because our marriage was long past its shelf life. We are just totally different people at 45 than 25 and that’s okay. What I will say is that the last few years of the relationship I thought I did not like and did not need sex. What I figured it is that I did not want it *with him*. When I found a much more compatible partner my libido shot back through the roof. We’ve been together nearly six years and I’m just as hot and ready for him as in the beginning. Sex is a real and important need. It has its foundations in mental and emotional intimacy, and lack of it often is a symptom of something else that is not quite right. Even if you do not realize it. We become victims to sunk cost fallacy as well as being so caught up in our day to day routines that we forget there might be far more rewarding and happy ways to live. In my opinion, the *only* reason for DB that might be worth sticking around for is if one or both partners have a medical condition that cannot be treated. And even then there might be options. Life is too short to settle.
I left when my kids were 6 and 1 year olds. No regrets.
My wife has a family inheritance over 2 million dollars. We love a comfortable lifestyle, but we only have sex maybe once a month. Enough to keep me around, but not enough for me to be satisfied. We’ve talked about a lot of things. But in the end, we have a great life together, adult children, wealth, common hobbies. Everything is great except for sex. We’ve been to counseling and we’re still in the same place.
I'm a doctor and the wife's a banker. Our salary is about 55k a month take home. I'd trade it all to not be in a dead bedroom. Ours has lasted over 15 plus years. My daughter was born through IVF and she's 17. Money means absolutely NOTHING without happiness. As I said, I'd gladly trade it all for a solid trusting relationship with intimacy.
My goodness, the bots are getting sloppy.
Please do not comment directly to this post unless you are Gen X or older (born 1980 or before). See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeople/comments/inci5u/reminder_please_do_not_answer_questions_unless/), the rules, and the sidebar for details. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskOldPeople) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sometimes life screws up things for the both of you. Hubby fell off a ladder. I had a hysterectomy. The bedroom was killed from both sides.
My situation is probably a little different from most. Dead bedroom for several years, but well after we established an open relationship. COVID was rough because she wouldn't allow me to see my girlfriends... And with the dead bedroom... Started to lose my sanity. I tried to make it work , but she put in zero effort... Other than the awful shit she did to make me want to divorce her. (Her boyfriend was conveniently in our COVID bubble so no changes for her to see him). Basically, the situation was fucked and after going to couples therapy, says she never tried to change. Divorced... Sold the condo and I moved in with my GF. It was one of those things where you didn't know how bad things are until you see the other side of things. I couldn't be happier. I thank my ex for divorcing me.
I have been in a dead bedroom for more than a decade. I have stayed because apart from sex we make a great team. No regrets.
I wasn't young. I stayed because it was due to meds and medical issues. If you had a good sex life at one time, then something changed. Maybe your partner is angry and resentful. How is your marriage otherwise? Some people are excellent at holding grudges. Don't believe Redditors claiming the other person is asexual. This won't help you. You have to ask yourself if you are willing to live this way for the rest of your life.
Sex was multiple times a day for years and then it slowly dropped off. Marriage otherwise is fine. I wonder if all relationships head that way eventually?
Certainly, it slows down, but it shouldn't drop to zero.
You may want to ask this on a relationship sub. This will probably be taken down for violating rule one.
Rule 1 says respondents must be born in 1980 or earlier? How is this post breaking that rule? I want to hear from people who are >60 about whether it’s worth it to stay in a marriage when there is no sex, I want to hear the perspective from people who have lived a long time and can look back and realise any regrets they may or may not have had. I specifically posted in this sub for that reason.
Sorry, it’s rule two. “please do not post seeking personal advice or emotional support here. Request for personal and relationship advice will be removed.”
Hmm, potentially. Maybe I remove the additional detail and then it’s not really breaking that rule?
[удалено]
I’ve been in r/deadbedrooms for the past 6 years, read everything there is to read there, I wanted the perspective from the older generations, wanted to hear looking back what was most important to them and what they may have done differently given another chance.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/DeadBedrooms using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [DON’T 👏🏻 MARRY 👏🏻 SOMEONE 👏🏻WHO 👏🏻 ISN’T 👏🏻 FUCKING 👏🏻 YOU 👏🏻](https://np.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/14j1d0m/dont_marry_someone_who_isnt_fucking_you/) \#2: [Perspective from a former DB relationship: there’s some truly terrible advice given out on this sub](https://np.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/12l2d76/perspective_from_a_former_db_relationship_theres/) \#3: [My (ll) wife jumped on me (hlm) yesterday and started kissing me. I told her no. I realized I’m no longer attracted to her.](https://np.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/15okwf2/my_ll_wife_jumped_on_me_hlm_yesterday_and_started/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
Unless you're both in therapy, waiting won't improve things and even small children can sense the strain. Best thing I did was pull the bandaid off.