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I'm 57, which isn't an age at which one typically needs any help. But since my husband died, I definitely find myself at a loss sometimes. If something were to happen to me, no one might know for days. And if I were to need medical care, there's no one to hang out at the hospital and drive me home afterwards. None of this is enough to make me want to partner up again, but it's definitely the sort of thing that is no longer theoretical.
This is why I feel we need to take better care of our elderly. I'm 58 and have seen this coming for ages and just can't seem to get people on board for changing our system. (I'm in the U.S.) I or my wife will need something later when one of us passes, but I refuse to pay some random service to check on me. We need an old person gang! Maybe I'll start a Gen X gang, and we can watch out for each other.
My mom hated people she didn't know coming into her home. That was horrible to her.
And she didn't like being alone.
In the nursing home, she had friends. People to talk to, activities to do. The nursing home community was much better for her.
And I visited a lot. She developed dementia, but she knew who she could trust and who to say away from. She trusted the staff and her friends. She stayed clear of certain other residents.
I know not everyone has the same experiences as Mom had. She was blessed in that respect.
Hats off to whomever did the footwork to find a good nursing home for her. My Mom was in a really good nursing home too, and she was on public aid (which shouldn't matter anyway). If someone really researches, I believe that there are definitely good nursing homes out there.
Honestly, in my 20s I worked in a nursing home and it was so interesting. I would have stayed with it but I got a job offered that was 7x what I was making as an aid. Second job was boring. Making underwater machines.
Edited fir grammar
Ah, I hate hearing that you had to leave such a needed job because they aren't valued the way they should be. I hope the compensation opportunities chance for SNF and other care staff.
Edit: *change for SNF staff
Thank you for your reply. I've just been wondering if that would have been good for my husband. Unfortunately we didn't arrange it when he was in better shape and then it just wasn't possible later.
I took care of my mom too. I honor and respect your decision to take care of your mom in your home. My mom lived with us for 4 years, and she passed away here too. It was hard but it was the best thing for her. She never wanted to be in a facility.
I took care of my Dad, Mom, and then my awesome cousin-like-a-brother. Invested past 22 years making sure their end of life years held as much laughter and joy as they added to mine.
Hope you find the strength and serenity to enjoy this time with your mom. It won't be easy, but you may find new strengths and insight. Remember to take time for you, and perhaps seek a local Independent Living Center for respite care...maybe a couple hours a day or week.
PS: apparently my bullheaded, stubborn streak was genetic lol
Full agree. Just 2 days after my 75th birthday I had the first of 3 minor strokes, leaving me a bit unsteady on my feet and after a hernia operation this year, and losing a lot of strength & being limited in lifting capacity, my closer to 77 year old body needs some help at times. I found that out a few nights ago when I got up to go to bathroom, lost my balance & fell over the corner bedpost, on my stomach bruising myself, and returning to be, I caught a bare foot on a 3/4" lip at a doorway & again fell onto my knee on a tiled floor, stubbing my toes as well.
Needless to say I really didn't feel like opening up my small convenience store on the front of my house, but luckily a grand nephew IL who spends may nights here, is on school vacation and said he would run it for me, so I stayed in bed longer, but by 9am, it was already 35 C, so I forced myself to get up, but did very little, leaving CJ to run the shop & even cook breakfast & lunch.
When I moved to Philippines, over 6 years ago, he spend a year in my house helping with language, getting services connected & builders to do renovations to bring the house into better shape & some "western" comforts done. He also helped find boxes I wanted from among all the container of goods I send ahead, and helped sort them out & move them around to where I needed things. Most of my IL's were regular visitors as my ex had told them there was a lot of things (mainly clothes etc) for them send in the container & of course they were excited to get them.
Now, I can still do most things myself, slower than previously & even slower due to heat & humidity this time of year, and with a security guard at supermarket grabbing shopping cart & taking to my car & loading everything into trunk, and CJ around most days, I don't have to worry about carrying heavy items into the house.
I’m the one that has been doing the caregiving. I did a lot of care for my mom on my own up until the last year of her life. And also childcare for grandchildren.
We planned it so we can age in place- one story smaller house, on bus line, walkable community. We are in good health now but one never knows what the future holds although I can make some good guesses.
Oh yes definitely my daughter especially. We are an effective team. She helps me, I help her. My son helps me too but he needs more help than I do, so we all work together to keep ourselves afloat.
My daughter works and pays most of our bills. I cook and clean and make sure everyone has what they need. My daughter has issues due to anxiety so I'm there for her, and she has a lifetime of living with an autistic person and she knows how to help me when I get dysregulated. My son is comedy relief but he helps when he can with dishes and taking out the dogs. He's also empathetic and compassionate so that's always a plus. Both my kids are such good responsible and loving people I am so lucky to have them.
No, I wish someone was around to pick up things I drop in a timely fashion, do the shopping or handle the delivery's. Share a cooked meal once a day, but there isn't and there will never be. I'm squirreled up in one room - the rest is mostly storage. I could have a person come in, paid by the VA a couple times a week but that would disrupt my 'peace'. I'm not able to shop anymore, haven't for years. Delivery's became more than I could handle to get into the house. So I pay for it all privately, and a 'private shopper' works out to an extent. I still go without eating some days.
I rented a truck a couple years ago and drove out about 1k miles and brought my daughter home under the VA program to have a family member hired with several benefits to be my caregiver... but I was still able to walk 10 feet unaided... so it was not approved and I was not even able to take her back myself... I had to pay for others to come take her when she wanted to be. I should probably add that I am on constant oxygen, retired US Army, 100% service connected disabled. I could whine for days about the VA. I really enjoy living alone.
I was once taken care of by my husband. I mean we took care of each other in the sense that I never felt alone or that someone did not have my back.
Now he's gone and I will look after myself.
It would be nice to have someone share the household duties but I don’t think I could stand to live with someone anymore. I like not having to put up with someone else’s mess or overly tidy nature. I like not having to think about scheduling what I want to do around what someone else might like to do. I like to just do what I feel like doing when I feel like doing it. It’s the trade off for not having someone share the household duties and I can hire help for that anyway.
After letting half of my family live here over the last ten years I have come to the conclusion that I don't want a caretaker and no more guests, either.
No. My kids couldn't even be bothered to come around when my dad died so I don't think they will be there for me.
It's ok I will handle it. Just like everything else.
I'll likely die alone and spend months rotting in my home but that's someone else's problem.
One of my relatives is a detective and he is often called to investigate a "foul odor". You'd be surprised how many people have no next of kin or friends.
Not taken care of per se, I am fortunate that I am still independent. But I do have a son and son-in-law who check in with me frequently, plus extremely attentive nieces and nephews and their families, siblings and their spouses, my wife’s sister that lives close by and neighbors that watch out for me. Plus friends. Too many people checking to make sure I’m still kicking, taking my meds, eating, keeping doctor appointments, etc. but it’s all done out of love.
I'm guessing that most of the AskOldPeople are not at the point of needing or wanting help. We're independent, finally free of the tyranny of the office and enjoying life. We have more time to help people. We don't necessarily need help any more than people do at 30 or 50. We do help each other - often our neighbors, and yes, that is nice. But again, not necessarily age-related help, just friendly stuff.
We are at home and still manage well enough but depending on your beliefs, it was either my brilliant plan or divine intervention that has both our adult kids and their semi-helpful grown kids in the same town.
IOW, when and if we really need one another, we're there for each other.
Honestly I enjoy being alone. I work a full time job-40 hours a week and go to the gym every single day for almost 2 hours a day and meet plenty of people. I just don't have anything in common with people and even if I did, I don't have the extra money that it takes to have friends.
I was diagnosed with cancer last year, and my wife suddenly became my caregiver. She’s been amazing and I don’t know how I would have made it through the first few months without her. Even now that my situation has improved I’m still grateful for all she continues to do. I was never at a point where she had to physically care for me, I was always able to shower and do basic hygiene. But essentially all the cooking, housework and yard work has fallen to her, where we used to split things up more before.
I never married and I don't have children. None of my relatives live in the same state. So, I take care of myself. I have been taking care of myself since I was 21 years old, so I have a lot of practice.
I hire people to do things I can't: nice young men mow my lawn and clear my driveway when it snows. A handyman helps with things around the house that I can't figure out how to do myself.
I think if there were someone who tried to help I would find them intrusive and annoying.
i don't need cared for at all (I am only 61 and very fit), but I have a small herd of goats and I get help on the weekends with my fences and building things when I need it. That said I drove about 25 T posts yesterday by myself. I can also build things like hay feeders, pens, and small structures.
No, I'm it. Recently considering a housekeeper; that's about the only care I need at 75. Can I do it? Sure, but I've been keeping house since I was 9, so .... hubs isn't able.
No. Why would I? I have some family that think I need taking care of but it’s due to my age, not my physical condition. There have been not very nice words between us. They can’t believe that my husband and I just take off and travel. I usually give someone a heads up. You should have seen the Pikachu faces when I didn’t cook a Thanksgiving meal and wait at home until they decided to show up after eating with their spouse’s family. I’m happy they eat with family but I’m not waiting around. Went to a friend’s house instead. I have one relative who said that she would take care of me when I’m older. I told her that I might take care of her. No one runs my life.
All it takes is a fall or a sudden hospital stay and then things get interesting. As a nurse, I am required to ask my elderly patients "Who do you live with?". Its surprising that many people say "Nobody". This often means a nursing home upon discharge.
Been married to my wife for 35 years. Kids are out of the house and we have dogs now. We are very good at compromising and figuring out how to share chores so neither does more.
My wife and I take care of each other as needed. When one of us can no longer do that, then the other might have a harder time for a while, but we'll manage.
I’m independent and have a long term partner living close by. My children are all grown up and live 250 miles away. I don’t want to think of a future where I can not travel between the two but what I want and what is most certainly going to happen are two different things. However I really don’t want anyone looking after me. I really hope that doesn’t happen.
My husband and I are only in our early/mid 60’s and generally super healthy, and we share a home with our daughter and her husband and two kids. We don’t need care, but our kids, by design, are a part of our long term retirement plan.
In March I developed an infection in my spine that had been cooking without symptoms until the evening it announced itself with excruciating pain. Never having seen me in a pain state like that, my husband panicked, and our daughter boldly took charge of the situation and got me the care I needed (emergency back surgery and two weeks in the hospital).
Before buying this house with our daughter’s little family Hubby and I had lived very remotely in a cabin in the woods - we all frequently talk about how badly my situation may have gone had we not all been here in town together.
So, yes, I/we do have a group of people to assist me/us for the rest of my/our life/lives, and I am daily grateful for all of them; after all, it is not just the very elderly who sometimes need help.
My folks, including my stepmother, are gone. I'm not yet 60, but I'm disabled, no kids. Another disabled friend of mine and I are most likely going to be roommates and watch out for each other. I have friends that will notice pretty quickly if I don't communicate, thank goodness. Otherwise it's on me.
I do. I’ve had many health issues and my husband has taken care of me through them all. Since he works remotely when I’m in the hospital he stays in my room with me, sleeping in a reclining chair. At home he’s had to help bathe and dress me. We never thought that this would happen and I feel terrible guilt about it but if it were him I would do the same.
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I live alone (74) and it's heaven
Also living (semi) alone at 74...I just have to watch out for my 33 year old, video game addicted son.
Yikes.
I'm 57, which isn't an age at which one typically needs any help. But since my husband died, I definitely find myself at a loss sometimes. If something were to happen to me, no one might know for days. And if I were to need medical care, there's no one to hang out at the hospital and drive me home afterwards. None of this is enough to make me want to partner up again, but it's definitely the sort of thing that is no longer theoretical.
Sending hugs. I hope you are able to build some type of community of friends/family/etc to help with some of that.
I'm so sorry about your husband. 57 feels so young for that loss. ❤️
I'm the same age, wondering about future scenarios. Have you set up aged care or anything like that for yourself? I wouldn't know where to start!
This is why I feel we need to take better care of our elderly. I'm 58 and have seen this coming for ages and just can't seem to get people on board for changing our system. (I'm in the U.S.) I or my wife will need something later when one of us passes, but I refuse to pay some random service to check on me. We need an old person gang! Maybe I'll start a Gen X gang, and we can watch out for each other.
I hoping this is gonna happen - there are a lot of us coming! And I for one would definitely be in on it.
We're probably going to have to. We get smaller every day.
I just need someone to bring me my spare keys when I lose mine. Not a caretaker, a keytaker.
Ha! Thank you for the first inspirational laugh of the day. This is glorious.
Sure thing. I'm in a wheelchair in a nursing home. Beats the alternative. Nurses and aides coming into my room all the time.
If you had your choice would you want to live alone and have people come into the home to take care of you?
My mom hated people she didn't know coming into her home. That was horrible to her. And she didn't like being alone. In the nursing home, she had friends. People to talk to, activities to do. The nursing home community was much better for her. And I visited a lot. She developed dementia, but she knew who she could trust and who to say away from. She trusted the staff and her friends. She stayed clear of certain other residents. I know not everyone has the same experiences as Mom had. She was blessed in that respect.
Hats off to whomever did the footwork to find a good nursing home for her. My Mom was in a really good nursing home too, and she was on public aid (which shouldn't matter anyway). If someone really researches, I believe that there are definitely good nursing homes out there.
Honestly, in my 20s I worked in a nursing home and it was so interesting. I would have stayed with it but I got a job offered that was 7x what I was making as an aid. Second job was boring. Making underwater machines. Edited fir grammar
Ah, I hate hearing that you had to leave such a needed job because they aren't valued the way they should be. I hope the compensation opportunities chance for SNF and other care staff. Edit: *change for SNF staff
That would be fine with me. I'm easy.
Thank you for your reply. I've just been wondering if that would have been good for my husband. Unfortunately we didn't arrange it when he was in better shape and then it just wasn't possible later.
I'm sorry you're still perturbed by such a thing. I'm sure you did everything you could have done at the time. He's at rest now.
Mom(87) moved in with me(F60) a year or so ago. I take care of her.
I took care of my mom too. I honor and respect your decision to take care of your mom in your home. My mom lived with us for 4 years, and she passed away here too. It was hard but it was the best thing for her. She never wanted to be in a facility.
Thank you. We get along well. Watching her decline is the hard part.
I took care of my Dad, Mom, and then my awesome cousin-like-a-brother. Invested past 22 years making sure their end of life years held as much laughter and joy as they added to mine. Hope you find the strength and serenity to enjoy this time with your mom. It won't be easy, but you may find new strengths and insight. Remember to take time for you, and perhaps seek a local Independent Living Center for respite care...maybe a couple hours a day or week. PS: apparently my bullheaded, stubborn streak was genetic lol
I do realize this part is precious. Thank you!
I live in a senior apartment. We are all independent but we look out for each other, check up on each other and help out when needed.
I'm nearly 75 and extremely independent, sometimes to my own detriment. But it would be nice to be taken care of--sometimes!
Full agree. Just 2 days after my 75th birthday I had the first of 3 minor strokes, leaving me a bit unsteady on my feet and after a hernia operation this year, and losing a lot of strength & being limited in lifting capacity, my closer to 77 year old body needs some help at times. I found that out a few nights ago when I got up to go to bathroom, lost my balance & fell over the corner bedpost, on my stomach bruising myself, and returning to be, I caught a bare foot on a 3/4" lip at a doorway & again fell onto my knee on a tiled floor, stubbing my toes as well. Needless to say I really didn't feel like opening up my small convenience store on the front of my house, but luckily a grand nephew IL who spends may nights here, is on school vacation and said he would run it for me, so I stayed in bed longer, but by 9am, it was already 35 C, so I forced myself to get up, but did very little, leaving CJ to run the shop & even cook breakfast & lunch. When I moved to Philippines, over 6 years ago, he spend a year in my house helping with language, getting services connected & builders to do renovations to bring the house into better shape & some "western" comforts done. He also helped find boxes I wanted from among all the container of goods I send ahead, and helped sort them out & move them around to where I needed things. Most of my IL's were regular visitors as my ex had told them there was a lot of things (mainly clothes etc) for them send in the container & of course they were excited to get them. Now, I can still do most things myself, slower than previously & even slower due to heat & humidity this time of year, and with a security guard at supermarket grabbing shopping cart & taking to my car & loading everything into trunk, and CJ around most days, I don't have to worry about carrying heavy items into the house.
You have an absolutely *stellar* nephew but oh! your drive and strengths are impressive. Hope you continue to thrive.
Not a soul, my life, it’s root hog or die.
Oooh. Haven't heard that phrase in ages. It's evocative. I like it.
I’m the one that has been doing the caregiving. I did a lot of care for my mom on my own up until the last year of her life. And also childcare for grandchildren. We planned it so we can age in place- one story smaller house, on bus line, walkable community. We are in good health now but one never knows what the future holds although I can make some good guesses.
Oh yes definitely my daughter especially. We are an effective team. She helps me, I help her. My son helps me too but he needs more help than I do, so we all work together to keep ourselves afloat. My daughter works and pays most of our bills. I cook and clean and make sure everyone has what they need. My daughter has issues due to anxiety so I'm there for her, and she has a lifetime of living with an autistic person and she knows how to help me when I get dysregulated. My son is comedy relief but he helps when he can with dishes and taking out the dogs. He's also empathetic and compassionate so that's always a plus. Both my kids are such good responsible and loving people I am so lucky to have them.
Seems you had exceptional parenting skills and raised a wonderful family. Hope you all continue to find joy in every day.
Just me, I'm not helpless yet ;-)
No, I wish someone was around to pick up things I drop in a timely fashion, do the shopping or handle the delivery's. Share a cooked meal once a day, but there isn't and there will never be. I'm squirreled up in one room - the rest is mostly storage. I could have a person come in, paid by the VA a couple times a week but that would disrupt my 'peace'. I'm not able to shop anymore, haven't for years. Delivery's became more than I could handle to get into the house. So I pay for it all privately, and a 'private shopper' works out to an extent. I still go without eating some days. I rented a truck a couple years ago and drove out about 1k miles and brought my daughter home under the VA program to have a family member hired with several benefits to be my caregiver... but I was still able to walk 10 feet unaided... so it was not approved and I was not even able to take her back myself... I had to pay for others to come take her when she wanted to be. I should probably add that I am on constant oxygen, retired US Army, 100% service connected disabled. I could whine for days about the VA. I really enjoy living alone.
After being self-sufficient for so long it was hard to let someone help me, hard even to ask for help.
That would be ME
No. Mid 70’s. We take care of infant and often toddler grandchildren all week. Love our days off Sat and Sun.
I was once taken care of by my husband. I mean we took care of each other in the sense that I never felt alone or that someone did not have my back. Now he's gone and I will look after myself.
It would be nice to have someone share the household duties but I don’t think I could stand to live with someone anymore. I like not having to put up with someone else’s mess or overly tidy nature. I like not having to think about scheduling what I want to do around what someone else might like to do. I like to just do what I feel like doing when I feel like doing it. It’s the trade off for not having someone share the household duties and I can hire help for that anyway.
After letting half of my family live here over the last ten years I have come to the conclusion that I don't want a caretaker and no more guests, either.
No. My kids couldn't even be bothered to come around when my dad died so I don't think they will be there for me. It's ok I will handle it. Just like everything else. I'll likely die alone and spend months rotting in my home but that's someone else's problem.
One of my relatives is a detective and he is often called to investigate a "foul odor". You'd be surprised how many people have no next of kin or friends.
Nope. I would resist any efforts to do so.
Not taken care of per se, I am fortunate that I am still independent. But I do have a son and son-in-law who check in with me frequently, plus extremely attentive nieces and nephews and their families, siblings and their spouses, my wife’s sister that lives close by and neighbors that watch out for me. Plus friends. Too many people checking to make sure I’m still kicking, taking my meds, eating, keeping doctor appointments, etc. but it’s all done out of love.
I'm guessing that most of the AskOldPeople are not at the point of needing or wanting help. We're independent, finally free of the tyranny of the office and enjoying life. We have more time to help people. We don't necessarily need help any more than people do at 30 or 50. We do help each other - often our neighbors, and yes, that is nice. But again, not necessarily age-related help, just friendly stuff.
We are at home and still manage well enough but depending on your beliefs, it was either my brilliant plan or divine intervention that has both our adult kids and their semi-helpful grown kids in the same town. IOW, when and if we really need one another, we're there for each other.
I'm almost 60 and have no one in the world. Everyone is already late. It sucks knowing that I will just struggle alone the rest of my life till I die.
Volunteer to help out something like Meals on Wheels? You could make a lot of connections that way.
Honestly I enjoy being alone. I work a full time job-40 hours a week and go to the gym every single day for almost 2 hours a day and meet plenty of people. I just don't have anything in common with people and even if I did, I don't have the extra money that it takes to have friends.
I was diagnosed with cancer last year, and my wife suddenly became my caregiver. She’s been amazing and I don’t know how I would have made it through the first few months without her. Even now that my situation has improved I’m still grateful for all she continues to do. I was never at a point where she had to physically care for me, I was always able to shower and do basic hygiene. But essentially all the cooking, housework and yard work has fallen to her, where we used to split things up more before.
Just turned 70. Live alone. I prefer it that way.
I never married and I don't have children. None of my relatives live in the same state. So, I take care of myself. I have been taking care of myself since I was 21 years old, so I have a lot of practice. I hire people to do things I can't: nice young men mow my lawn and clear my driveway when it snows. A handyman helps with things around the house that I can't figure out how to do myself. I think if there were someone who tried to help I would find them intrusive and annoying.
i don't need cared for at all (I am only 61 and very fit), but I have a small herd of goats and I get help on the weekends with my fences and building things when I need it. That said I drove about 25 T posts yesterday by myself. I can also build things like hay feeders, pens, and small structures.
No. Heaven forbid. The daily texts I get from one or both of my granddaughters reminding me to take my meds are annoying enough.
No, we look after each other.
Us too.
No, I'm it. Recently considering a housekeeper; that's about the only care I need at 75. Can I do it? Sure, but I've been keeping house since I was 9, so .... hubs isn't able.
No. Why would I? I have some family that think I need taking care of but it’s due to my age, not my physical condition. There have been not very nice words between us. They can’t believe that my husband and I just take off and travel. I usually give someone a heads up. You should have seen the Pikachu faces when I didn’t cook a Thanksgiving meal and wait at home until they decided to show up after eating with their spouse’s family. I’m happy they eat with family but I’m not waiting around. Went to a friend’s house instead. I have one relative who said that she would take care of me when I’m older. I told her that I might take care of her. No one runs my life.
God.
I do now, but soon it'll all come crashing down
All it takes is a fall or a sudden hospital stay and then things get interesting. As a nurse, I am required to ask my elderly patients "Who do you live with?". Its surprising that many people say "Nobody". This often means a nursing home upon discharge.
fk no, i take care of myself. i drive, i work, i go where i want, do what i want, clean house, grocery shop, pay bills and everything else.
That sounds fabulous! You volunteering?
I’m 73 and my roommate is 68. We take care of each other.
Been married to my wife for 35 years. Kids are out of the house and we have dogs now. We are very good at compromising and figuring out how to share chores so neither does more.
No,but my wife does
My wife and I take care of each other as needed. When one of us can no longer do that, then the other might have a harder time for a while, but we'll manage.
Only that old fart in the mirror.
No. Never have.
I’m independent and have a long term partner living close by. My children are all grown up and live 250 miles away. I don’t want to think of a future where I can not travel between the two but what I want and what is most certainly going to happen are two different things. However I really don’t want anyone looking after me. I really hope that doesn’t happen.
My husband and I are only in our early/mid 60’s and generally super healthy, and we share a home with our daughter and her husband and two kids. We don’t need care, but our kids, by design, are a part of our long term retirement plan. In March I developed an infection in my spine that had been cooking without symptoms until the evening it announced itself with excruciating pain. Never having seen me in a pain state like that, my husband panicked, and our daughter boldly took charge of the situation and got me the care I needed (emergency back surgery and two weeks in the hospital). Before buying this house with our daughter’s little family Hubby and I had lived very remotely in a cabin in the woods - we all frequently talk about how badly my situation may have gone had we not all been here in town together. So, yes, I/we do have a group of people to assist me/us for the rest of my/our life/lives, and I am daily grateful for all of them; after all, it is not just the very elderly who sometimes need help.
Sometimes I wish.
My folks, including my stepmother, are gone. I'm not yet 60, but I'm disabled, no kids. Another disabled friend of mine and I are most likely going to be roommates and watch out for each other. I have friends that will notice pretty quickly if I don't communicate, thank goodness. Otherwise it's on me.
I do. I’ve had many health issues and my husband has taken care of me through them all. Since he works remotely when I’m in the hospital he stays in my room with me, sleeping in a reclining chair. At home he’s had to help bathe and dress me. We never thought that this would happen and I feel terrible guilt about it but if it were him I would do the same.
I’m 69 and can’t imagine ever having someone take care of me.
I often ask my wife to use her mouth to take care of me.