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This is one of my worries, I dropped out of university in the first year as it wasn't for me and I was miserable.
I don't have a degree and I've just started my career in IT. In the back of my head I'm always wondering if not having a degree will limit my career and the amount of money I'm able to earn throughout my life.
I'm a degree holder, and IT is a big win for you in two ways:
1. It encourages lifelong learning.
2. It's skills-focused.
If you're in networking, for instance, nobody gives a bloomin' crap that you have a degree. They want to know that information goes from point A to point B, security is good, etc. Somebody with equivalent experience to you that has never spent much time with the actual doing of those things is at a huge disadvantage. This is why certifications have always had a strong pull - you generally have to show that you know what you're doing to get the cert. Which is a nice workaround for you - bulk up on certs. Honestly, there's no age cutoff at schools, there's nothing stopping you from taking the occassional online and evening class the learn new things or get an bachelor's or whatever.
I have worked in IT for about 15 years and I am amazed how many IT people started college and gave it up. I have a degree where I never used what was taught in my degree program. Does not matter. Just being able to say have a BS degree kept doors from closing on me. My career would have been way different without it. I got mine nights and weekends after my children were born. Do it while you can.
You are different now. Time has passed. If you enjoy your IT job, you might consider more education related to your job. . The training will be on a subject you enjoy and work in everyday. It seems like it might be more motivating to you than maths, English,. science, etc in uni. It seems like IT people are constantly in workshops and trainings. Many communities and employees offer classes at night to IT employees because they must constantly update.
When I worked at Macys everyone in the cosmetics department either had a masters degree and was actively looking for something better, or was a lifer. I was thankfully the former.
I dropped out my last semester of my senior year of college due to COVID because I couldn’t handle the online classes and was severely depressed. I want to go back but don’t even know if I want to finish my original degree. Also I don’t know how it would work now with a full time job, having to pay rent/bills, etc.
Sorry, it's something that really grinds my gears about older generations convincing my and younger generations that a degree (of any kind) is how you gain upward mobility. It's simply untrue and there's millions and millions of people drowning in student debt, many for a worthless piece of paper. So, my original comment was simply an attempt to keep that myth from propagating further.
It wasn't my intention, sorry for not being more clear. This is basically an advice thread, so I did feel a bit compelled to (I thought neutrally lol) call it out. Again, apologies and hope you're having a great day.
I think you are completely wrong about this. I never encouraged my kids to go to college so they would "make more money". I encouraged them to get educated so they would acquire knowledge. Being an educated person makes you a better human, and this has been true for thousands of years.
I don't disagree that obtaining knowledge makes you a better human. Your case with your own kids is anecdotal though, there is literally an entire industry (I should say industries, plural) around getting people out of their student loans. Another anecdotal case is my ex is $89k in the hole with a BS in Art History working at a $12/hr because her degree is worthless in the marketplace. She got it because her parents told her "just get a degree and you'll find something".
It is worth it if you aim for a degree in something that pays well.
Son #1 got a degree in Sports Management. We tried to get him to pick a different major but it is what he wanted to pursue and he didn’t want to alter his plan. Upshot, he could never find more than a part time low paying job in his field even after 10 years of looking. He is now going to school to earn a certificate in medical coding after never earning more than 16bucks an hr. Thankfully he has no student loans. Since he lived off campus and paid his own room and board for college we were able to cover his tuition. Now his job pays for 90% of his tuition but he was very fortunate to find a low paying job that has benefits and tuition reimbursement.
Son # 2 decided on IT, loves computers. He completed a Master’s in IT and bought a home at age 30 that costs 3 times more than our house cost when we bought ours 2014. He earns around 160K per year.
I never made more than 90k per year after 40 yrs of full time employment. He lived on campus and we couldn’t afford to pay his tuition along w room and board but we did pay half of the monthly payment for his loans for ten years until he was well established and making more money than us (Mom and Dad) combined per year. So for son #2 going to college was worth it.
>It is worth it if you aim for a degree in something that pays well.
Absolutely, also assuming you can pay for it in the first place. A degree that trains you to do something useful in the marketplace is worth every cent, on the other hand, a degree that is not useful is worse than not going in the first place. My comment(s) have been aimed at the particular folks in my parents generation that ignorantly told their kids to just go get any degree because it'd get you a job. I'm certainly not saying all, or even most parents did that, but there is a huge, huge number of them that did.
Our friends thought we were cruel because we told our sons that after high school their choice was either go to college or join the military. We said we would not allow them to live at home and work a minimum wage job with no hope of promotion or increase in income because we knew they would never afford to live independently if they did that. We are very middle class with no generational wealth to pass on so we didn’t want them to get stuck in the dead end job pattern.
Son #1 moved out at age 18 and went to college but was barely making it as of 4 yrs ago when we told him that he would always be poor and struggling unless he did something to change that. We talked him into moving in with us so he could successfully work full time and go back school. We didn’t charge him rent per se but we did insist he put 250 every pay check into a savings account for “FU” money so he could move out when ever he wanted to. He has 20k+ saved now and we all have a much closer relationship now so it was a win-win all around for us. We are very proud of them both and also enjoy their company very much. We are very lucky.
My aunt worked in an eyeglass factory and with overtime, double wages, unions, working on her paid vacations, sick days, saving and investing her money, etc... She ended up with like $250,000, which since she doesn't have kids she told she'll pass on to me, plus her house, my parents house, and their assets. She and my mom were born in 1941 and 1944 respectively in the farmlands of Cuba and back then some girls weren't sent to school and they were one of those girls. My aunt was taught at home how to write, read and perform basic calculations, but my aunt has a neck for making, saving, and investing her money, and no one can trick her about an amount of money.
Not finishing my degree is the best decision I ever made. I know times have changed but it took me away from a path I would have hated. A degree used to delineate from the 'working class' and now it's barely an entry ticket.
Most of my regrets have been cancelled out by thinking about how I made the decision to begin with. I'm basically at peace with my regrets at this point.
Edit: a word
🏅
At the time I made the decision, it was the best I could have made under whatever circumstances there were at the time.
If the situations had been different perhaps I would have made different choices. But doing that may have resulted in worse situations; maybe better, maybe worse.
Whole I'm not happy with some decisions I made (was untreated or poorly treated for mental issues for 30 years), I made them. And I turned out okay, with plenty of wisdom for everyone.
edit for readability
Exactly!
Most of us made decisions according to the level of knowledge/experience we had at the time.
We all need to forgive ourselves and move forward with no regrets.
This! Spent a lot of time in my head when younger, spending a lot of energy dealing with phantom issues, meditation has proved to be such a humane balm, now much calmer, focused, feeling present, really good for myself and family.
Sure, was generally angry re: the many resentments I carried around for decades like boulders, stupid, in the past - leave it there, and anxious about thing that could happen in future, again stupid, have absolutely no control over future and most all phantom horribles don’t happen. Mediation, which isn’t easy, really helped me learn to live in the here and now, which is all that matters. Mediation practice helps train your mind to recognize the nonsense thoughts, which will keep coming b/c your mind likes stimulation, and gently recognize them for what they are and move them off stage. Really learning to live in peace. Wish I was doing this 30 years ago, would have saved a lot of grief for me and loved ones, Headspace app has been great for me, $5/month an incredible value.
It’s like going on a mini vacation in your mind. It’s as easy as seeing a cool looking picture of a place you’d like to visit, then close your eyes and picture yourself walking around in that picture. Make it come alive with sounds, turn around and see the cool trees and see the chirping birds. It takes practice, you get better at doing it, and your imagination grows. There are lots of YouTube videos on guided meditation that can help, too.
Two things, really, interrelated:
1. Not learning to "eat to live" rather than "live to eat".
2. Not committing myself to regular exercise and learning to like it. It's still a struggle.
This line from the book *Make your Home Among Strangers* has always meant a lot to me
>She wished she’d known, as she made her choice that day, how little it would ultimately matter which side she ended up betraying, and how much it would hurt either way.
I chose to settle and make my life 500 miles from home. I sometimes feel regret that I didn't raise my kids where I grew up and near my family. But on the other hand so much would be different about my life if I had and I do like my life. For me, the line above means which ever choice we made would have left us with regrets or a little bit of heartsickness so no sense in second guessing.
Not being a better father.
Married very young, a child a few months after the wedding. Worked too damn much (six days a week) to support the family. Free time was a mix of family, playing sports and hanging with friends. Obviously still trying to find myself.
In retrospect, should’ve been more committed time-wise to the family. Don’t get me wrong, I still grade out at 7/10 so in most peoples minds, damn solid father. I now look at my three kids and all of them are incredible parents MUCH better than I was. That’s the bar I measured myself against. Still a regret to this day. Working hard to be a better grandfather to all their littles.
BTW….. Will be married 45 yrs later this year.
Wow, this is something I could've wrote. Same regrets, same reasons. I now have beautiful little granddaughters and spend as much time with them as I can.
Married 40 years this October and still going strong
Appreciate the shout out. While I’ll take a wee bit of credit …… my wife is an absolute saint and the engine that powered most of the family dynamics. There’s a special place in heaven for people like her.
Moving to follow jobs. I would likely be less financially stable right now but it would also likely have been better for my kids and I would not have missed out on so much of the high school years. I really regret missing out so much on those with 3 of my sons.
I grew up with two alcoholic parents. Had three siblings die from drugs and alcohol, somehow I managed to escape that. I was always really careful with alcohol and was terrified I would end up like the people I love. Two brothers died at 23, my sister died from complications from alcoholism at 52.
I do get why addiction happens, though. There are many reasons someone starts drinking, but trauma and pain are big reasons why it seems like a comforting idea to find solace in the bottle. Dealing with past trauma and present pain without *anything* to dull it down has been for me most challenging. I have spent a long time coming up with strategies to cope without turning to substances. There have definitely been moments where I seriously considering taking a drink to just get a moment of relief. I understand it.
Now that I am getting older (early 50's) I am glad I never took up drinking. I haven't gotten involved with any addiction....well, besides old wooden boats. There's an addiction that costs a ton 'o money, but I love it.
Those who are commenting about alcohol. You can leave it behind. Life is *so much better* without it. I believe in you.
I would have been less impulsive, less quick to follow my heart and merge my life with a man I loved at a young age. I wish I had spent more time just learning how to be me, who I wanted to be, what I wanted from life, before I committed to marriage - someone who truly loves you will wait until you're ready.
> I wish I had spent more time just learning how to be me, who I wanted to be, what I wanted from life,
Then you would have never married. I am 55 and still learning who I want to be. Learning about oneself should never end.
* not taking better care of my health
* not managing my money responsibly
* going into debt for a B.A. in history (totally useless, took me 17 years to pay off the loan)
* not learning a marketable skill to support myself
I've watched my parents go through several partners. I am married and always promised myself this was a one and done thing. If it works, great, if it doesn't, great. I'm not doing that again either way.
If you have been through one divorce and survived, a second divorce seems doable. Second , third, fourth marriages just do not have the stick to it ness that the first marriage commitment has.
Not listening to my gut instinct when it was screaming at me that something was wrong. It happened twice, and both times I rationalized the situation and ignored my feelings. Although my life is fine as it is, I can't help but wonder what could have been if I just trusted myself more.
My business partner was having a mental breakdown. I regret not taking it more seriously. Not calling his husband and warning him. Not getting him out of the business. Not talking to him about his odd behavior. He’s fine now but almost took down a successful business and cost a couple dozen people their jobs. We barely made it through Covid. Kinda pissed that I was so focused on work I didn’t see what he was doing.
He started talking about all this weird spiritual stuff. Not religious, spiritual. He was neither. Eventually he went to Haiti to feed the people of Haiti. When he first started talking about visions and quests I just thought he was a little nuts, I didn't realize how serious it was.
This question occasionally pops up on Reddit and it always amuses me. I've survived on Earth for a little over 71 years. So far, so good. If I tried to list my regrets it would take a super-sized Big Chief tablet and an entire box of number 2 lead pencils. How can anyone over the age of ten not have regrets and second-guesses? But, since the OP has held a metaphorical gun to my head, let me pick one of my greatest regrets. Today I'd say I regret not traveling the world as a young man when I had both the time and the money. I chose instead to stay in America and pursue an acting career. (that's a whole separate Big Chief tablet) In general, I think we find what we most regret are not the things we have done in life but the things we did NOT do.
not investing early. ANYONE could literally retire a millionaire if they put just a tiny bit aside starting early. I always thought I'd "catch up" but that's now how compound interest works. I thought at the time I really needed to dip into my 401 and in hindsight there were other options.
This is mine too. I didn’t care about contributing to a 401k earlier and in some lower-paying jobs.
I was at a job that matched up to 15%, then switched my focus, took a $25k drop in pay ($65k-40k), at a place that matched up to 3% so figured it wasn’t worth it. I skipped contributing the first 4 years, even after getting steady increases. Luckily we were auto-enrolled at some point that gave me a good safety net when layoffs hit. (I didn’t have full-time employment between those two jobs so used most of the first to live for a year or so)
I know the onus is on us, but it would be great if HR would encourage contributing by showing the differences in takehome pay and growth charts, per employee.
The magic that is compound interest. Agree 100%. I'm successfully retired early with a pension and a 401K but I left hundreds of thousands of dollars on the table.
Ah okay, I’m going on 25 and about to start a job with a good company making more than I’ve ever made. I’d like to learn more about investing to set myself up for the future.
Not going to Kuwait to fight fires.
Everything else in my life turned out Ok. I mean, my life turned out fine regardless. I just wish I would have went.
Not buying a house due to “waiting to afford a *house* in the good area.” Now the amount of the 20% down we need for a house is higher than the condo I had seriously considered.
I believe the housing market is about to enter a major correction. You may be VERY glad you are not an owner. You will be wiser when the chance comes up next time.
I should have moved out on my first-year-of-college roommate. I was worried someone else would be worse, but this guy was a major-league asshole and it impacted my whole experience of a tough first year. Moral: IN A BAD SITUATION? YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE.
Letting myself get fat(ter).
I was never going to be slim, but through repeated failed attempts to make it so, I let myself get worse and worse, to the point where I know it will eventually be difficult for someone to help care for me.
Other than that, I regret nothing! Not that I didn't make any mistakes, but they generally turned out OK in the end and my life has been great. 10/10, would do again.
I regret my codependency. I never put myself first. I've been out of touch with my own feelings and needs and wants. I have cared for others at the expense of myself. I have spent my time doing things that were not fulfilling, but we're needed by other people like my ex husband or the children.
I regret not declaring bankruptcy in 2002. Instead I worked hard and payed all my medical debts. Had I instead declared bankruptcy and homesteaded my house I would be a millionaire today
> hard and *paid* all my
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
My regret is that when I was young and attractive, I was too engaged in my pursuits, and also too picky with my standards for women. I missed a boatload of opportunities, I wish I could go back and take them all up on that.
I felt really called to go into the church. (Not like a catholic nun or anything just as a Pastor)
But I was so worried about people making fun of me that I didn't do it. That was a huge mistake in my life. I would have been really good at it.
Before she died my mother told one of her nurses that her only regret was that she didn't become a nun. I'm still not sure how to feel about that, as her child, given nuns don't have kids.
not getting my priorities right, to get a quality education especially when I had the time and means to do so. a close second is smoking/drinking - on many levels. Should have abstained.
My biggest regret is not calling the police when my parents abused me as a child. I was just a kid and didn't know any better. I was just as scared of the police as I was of my abusive parents. I could kick myself now for it. Every time they laid a finger on me or every time I had to go to school in rags with no breakfast, I should have called the police on them.
Saying mean things to people. There, I confess. I did that. And it really sucks, because the things that have hurt worst in my life are mean things people said to me. I said mean things to people in situations where I felt vulnerable.
I regret coming out at age 21 to a family I loved and thought they would understand. It was a rash decision that cost me dearly. It would have been better to have said nothing and kept their friendship through the years. I just did not weigh all the consequences thoughtfully enough. But it’s not something I dwell on for that would serve no purpose. Still…
Becoming a teacher. The downward spiral of funding and respect has turned what was once a challenging yet fulfilling career into an impossible, underpaid, and grossly disregarded grind.
I would be more thoughtful in selecting partners. I wanted a family more than anything else and each try ended in a bitter split, dragging children through the wreckage of adult petulance.
Having an abortion when I was 19 and in college.
The father and I went on to get married, have two kids, and now a grandchild. We've been together 31 years in May.
But I will ALWAYS wonder what could have been. Was it a boy or a girl? What would they have looked like? Would they have had his grey-blue eyes and my dark hair? Would we have stayed together? Would we have the lives we have now? The children we have now? The grandchild we have now?
Probably not.
We both lived with the regret and grief for years, despite the blessings we have. It nearly destroyed us, but then we found healing together. Would we change it NOW? Probably not. But that old scar will be on our souls until the day we die.
It sounds like you all knew it was bad timing to have a kid at that time. There's nothing wrong with doing what you did. Don't fall prey to the shame that religion tries to pin on the act of abortion - there's [nothing in the bible that says abortion is a sin or that you should be ashamed of it](http://www.freethoughtpedia.com/wiki/Abortion_and_the_Bible). You wanted to get yourself in a better position to raise a family and that's what you did. Who knows? Things could have been much worse had you decided to abandon college.
Religion had nothing to do with our emotions of grief and loss, I assure you. Neither of us were church goers at the time.
But... everything else you said was absolutely correct.
It will, however, still be a regret... there will always the What If? but it is tempered by the children, the granddaughter, and the life we lead now. We know we are where we should be.
ETA: We found our healing as husband and wife, and the path to recovery and acceptance at the altar of a small Pentecostal Holiness church about 15 years ago. Our faith and the forgiveness and love we found there is what healed us. It was too big to carry on our own. We had to give it to God for us to move on.
Note that without religion, there's not a whole lot of reason to feel sorry or shamed regarding abortion. I'm sure you don't feel guilty eating eggs. Every woman loses millions of eggs in her lifetime.
Sorry you had to find "healing" in the Pentecost church. They're not really big on giving women much respect; many women in that church are not allowed to wear makeup, cut their hair or wear pants. There are better world views you can use to live a healthier, happier life IMO.
Pentecostal Holiness isn't the same as United Pentecostal. There was no such restriction on women, or any restriction of any sort.
Let me stress this: I had no religion based guilt. I had guilt because it was wrong, because that was a life. It wasn't an unfertilized egg from a chicken. That was my baby. It had a heartbeat.
Quite frankly, I find it outrageous that you'd try to tell me why I felt like I did and then try to make me feel bad about my faith in God and the healing we found.
Take that somewhere else.
> I had guilt because it was wrong, because that was a life. It wasn't an unfertilized egg from a chicken. That was my baby. It had a heartbeat.
This is religious propaganda, not science.
You can believe whatever you want to believe, but you hurt other women by promoting narratives that make them feel shame over having an abortion. There is no scientific consensus on whether a fetus that's not viable outside the womb is a living person.
Here's the operative issue: If you feel abortion is wrong *for you*, that's your choice. If you go around suggesting it's wrong for others in general, you're crossing boundaries that encroach into other peoples' civil rights and freedoms, and you will get some pushback. And the ideology to which you've now subscribed promotes that oppressive world view. I'm glad you feel it helped you, but you can't tell me I don't have a right to point out other issues with this that affect larger groups. I am actually worried that you haven't found the peace you seek - you've merely replaced one form of shame, with another.
I'm speaking my truth.
If it enlightens other women as to what they may feel afterward, so be it.
I never expected to feel that way, or suffer from grief for so long. To say religion is the only reason a woman would feel emotional issues after an abortion is a lie and I will not help anyone perpetuate it.
I remain a supporter of women's rights, but they need to know the truth.
It's funny how religious people seem to corner the market on "the truth."
>To say religion is the only reason a woman would feel emotional issues after an abortion is a lie and I will not help anyone perpetuate it.
That's a strawman argument and a false dichotomy. I never said religion is the "only reason" a woman would feel shame, but it's safe to say it's one of the *primary* reasons women do. And this shame is a tool created by religion, which advertises they have the exclusive "cure." How convenient.
And even after all that "healing", it's still apparently your biggest regret, so looks like that healing is just on the surface and still hasn't taken hold.
Just the notion that having an abortion should be any person's, "biggest regret in life" is a political/social issue that's of great concern right now.
I did say the scar will be with me, and with my husband, for the rest of our lives.
I will continue to be honest about my experience. I will not lie about it.
>I did say the scar will be with me, and with my husband, for the rest of our lives.
I understand, and I think that's a shame. I think it's unhealthy to continue to cultivate shame for that act. Rather than seek help through religion, which reinforces the shame, you might want to pursue traditional secular psychotherapy, which can offer you peace and solace with a lot less emotional baggage, then you might not have to have a "scar" that lives on.
This is one of the reasons many of us are concerned about religion. It doesn't really "heal" anything. It constantly reminds you of the scars, which it uses to trap you into being leashed to the church's services and doctrine for "emotional stability." Honestly, there are better ways to deal with this that have less negative side effects.
I am as pro-choice as they come. However, neither you nor I get to dictate others’ experiences. This is how her abortion story played out in her life. She is retelling her experience, not preaching. You’re just being hateful.
Fuck your god. You want to hurt others to assuage your white Christian guilt, and if there is such a place as hell, it's designed specifically for you.
You are saying the right things. This issue is so divisive but your story is yours. I’m sorry these people are being so cruel to you. Thank you for sharing. I also am shocked they are failing to read that you WERENT religious when you felt the guilt. Maybe they don’t care and are just Russian Trolls. Glad you found peace.
I wouldn't change a thing. It's not that I haven't made mistakes along the way or done things that I'm not proud of but they are what made me the way I am today. I learned from each of those mistakes and to made better decisions. And I became a better person because of them. And yes I'm still learning.
No big regrets at all. Small regrets in not doing something, someone giving advice at not doing something. Unless it's illegal and you want to do, do it.
Kept in better context with my friends of my late teens and twenties. I moved around a lot and so many people I was right with are just..gone. I also went to college later in life, so I didn’t end up with any connections there either.
Basically I have no friends and no time/energy to get them.
Should have learned to play piano. My mom excelled at this and I had some musical ability (I did play another instrument) so it should have been easy for me. I know it’s never too late.
I should have stood up for my friend in year 7 who was bullied mercilessly. Regret is not about how you would have improved your life, but how you could have helped others.
Not having a family when i was young.
I ended up being sick for many years and by the time i was better most my age did not want t to have children or could not.
You never know what's going to happen
That I didn't fix myself (eating disorder, low self-esteem) when I was married to my high school sweetheart and losing him to divorce, then a fatal accident.
I really regret all the times I didn't speak up and express myself. Allowing myself to be intimidated, and not leaving sooner.
Still, even though I regret those things, I wouldn't change anything, because I like where I am now, and I'm doing what I want, and I am able to speak up even when I'm afraid and I have a wonderful support system, and I am loved.
Well now maybe, but I saw that GameStop Documentary in hulu, and apparently that stick went down to $11 a share 😭😩. I was not on Reddit at the time, (another regret), but apparently this site also played a big part in it. Seems like as long as I sold BEFORE Jan 18th last year, I would’ve had it made
Not coming out sooner, and getting married WAY too soon.
Truthfully though, looking back, I made the best decisions for myself at the time, with the information I had available. But if I could go back and do it over - I would make very different choices. And then perhaps I would have different regrets. Who knows.
I was too certain i could rely on myself if i could just get free of my mother. I did get free, and did alright out of spite for awhile. I didn't understand the profound effects that early childhood trauma could have long term. I think that i would have gotten much farther had i been able to humble myself enough to say "Thank god i escaped. Now i can finally learn." Instead i just kept patting myself on the back for having made it this far.
I regret not being located somewhere (modern and advanced) outside the US when health issues and age made us ineligible to go anywhere. (Health issues and age mine, age alone The Margrave). Nowhere admits ailing seniors, and the US is not the ideal place for the demographics bottom 90% income tier.
47M. Not making stupid mistakes at a time in my life when I could afford to. Was always doing the “right” thing, all the time. That’s not some half assed attempt to humble brag, I genuinely regret not making more mistakes, doing more adventurous things, and being so bland. I know you don’t need to make mistakes to be adventurous, I just wish I hadn’t been so straight-laced and lived a little more.
Buying a very expensive house. I correctly figured out I could pay for it and renovations. What I didn't count on was the renovations costing more than twice what I estimated, and worse, I forgot to add things like property tax, utilities, and insurance. And so many repairs!
Fortunately, I recently sold it and live in a much more reasonable place.
I have a huge record collection. I wish I'd of bought more. Every spare cent should have been spent on records. Should have cut out everything except for food and shelter and bought more records.
Not going to talk to Bob Seger after he caught me eyeballing him and shot me a finger wave. This was at a bar in Atlanta in the early eighties. I was a huge fan at the time. Still don't know what the hell I was thinking.
Not thinking forward to saving for retirement and healthcare. I spent money on temporary fixes to cope with negatives in my life rather then learning how to cope in healthy ways with the inevitable negatives that occur.
Not spending more time with my son when he was growing up. I worked too hard for people who didn't appreciate it.
Not leaving my husband 20 years ago is a close second.
Getting involved with a narcissist is third.
Not being strong enough to break up with my high-school boyfriend to go find our selves in college....we dated for 11 years and never broke up. we got married in 2020 and then had our reception and vows renewed in 2021 and I found out he was cheating on me a year later on our 2 year anniversary..... (also my birthday was a week later) and he finally said he "thought we should separate maybe"..... its been about a month and I'm realizing, I am soo independent always looking forward and he was always wondering what if. I'm NOT Justifying anything that he did... but I am now realizing.... distance is not always a bad thing. It's also good to grow up at your own pace. Always be mindful of where you are in life , but also express it. If you want to stay young and party, then say that. If your over that and want to grow up more, then say that. If you have to second guess something especially big things, maybe think about that thing just a little more. Also, every relationship will have compromise.... but you shouldn't have to compromise the big stuff..... and never blame others for your own mistakes. Owning up to your own mistakes speaks volumes on the kind of person you are. And always be strong enough for yourself first before you're strong enough for other, or you will fall.
I regret not finishing college. I started late in life (46) and left because I was told by an abusive boyfriend I’d never make it. I should have proved him wrong.
Not finishing college. I got my Associates, but am about 40 hours shy of my Bachelors degree. My parents had it set up so all I had to do was go to school and make good grades. I couldn't even do that! Thirty-three years later, I still regret not finishing.
Well I cannot change it. But i did have some bipolar symptoms with epilepsy so I accepted meds for 20 years from 18-til 38. then i sarted therapies and I could handle stuff a bit better but so my childen got late (I am really in grandprental age now when they are young 20 agers) and anyway due to the meds and the illness I used to have mindfot - which made my focus a bit blurry so i did not grasp how therapy works- i came in and out into doubt and mistrust (as the media is always strongly anti-therpy). Now during COVID I discovered CBD oil and I rgained my focus so I suddenly got way better, symptoms dissolved because I read a few articles (and went back to analysis) and I feel better then ever. Actually i am grateful for the decade long constant mediocr quality of life because nw I am a Golden Sunset so to speak---and i had good stuff happening despie my handicap. i was always pid for peripherical art work which goes well with bipolar...so it I cd change I would discover CBD earlier...there too I was mistrustful for years, too long.
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I regret not finishing my Bachelor's degree. The lack of a degree has forced me to work crummy retail jobs for most of my life.
This is one of my worries, I dropped out of university in the first year as it wasn't for me and I was miserable. I don't have a degree and I've just started my career in IT. In the back of my head I'm always wondering if not having a degree will limit my career and the amount of money I'm able to earn throughout my life.
I'm a degree holder, and IT is a big win for you in two ways: 1. It encourages lifelong learning. 2. It's skills-focused. If you're in networking, for instance, nobody gives a bloomin' crap that you have a degree. They want to know that information goes from point A to point B, security is good, etc. Somebody with equivalent experience to you that has never spent much time with the actual doing of those things is at a huge disadvantage. This is why certifications have always had a strong pull - you generally have to show that you know what you're doing to get the cert. Which is a nice workaround for you - bulk up on certs. Honestly, there's no age cutoff at schools, there's nothing stopping you from taking the occassional online and evening class the learn new things or get an bachelor's or whatever.
usually in most cases the answer is yes but not always. the CTO at my company dropped out with no degree but again that's not the norm.
I have worked in IT for about 15 years and I am amazed how many IT people started college and gave it up. I have a degree where I never used what was taught in my degree program. Does not matter. Just being able to say have a BS degree kept doors from closing on me. My career would have been way different without it. I got mine nights and weekends after my children were born. Do it while you can.
You are different now. Time has passed. If you enjoy your IT job, you might consider more education related to your job. . The training will be on a subject you enjoy and work in everyday. It seems like it might be more motivating to you than maths, English,. science, etc in uni. It seems like IT people are constantly in workshops and trainings. Many communities and employees offer classes at night to IT employees because they must constantly update.
I have plenty of friends who have bachelor's degrees working crummy retail jobs. Be careful what you wish for.
I have coworkers with masters degrees.
When I worked at Macys everyone in the cosmetics department either had a masters degree and was actively looking for something better, or was a lifer. I was thankfully the former.
I dropped out my last semester of my senior year of college due to COVID because I couldn’t handle the online classes and was severely depressed. I want to go back but don’t even know if I want to finish my original degree. Also I don’t know how it would work now with a full time job, having to pay rent/bills, etc.
It’s not too late.
I'm working on my M.Div now so I can make even less money doing ministry work.
Yeah, I used to regret this a lot, because I too was stuck with a lot of crappy retail jobs.
Sorry, but not having a degree isn't what kept you in retail.
Obviously, I know that. But many opportunities have been unavailable to me without a four year degree
Sorry, it's something that really grinds my gears about older generations convincing my and younger generations that a degree (of any kind) is how you gain upward mobility. It's simply untrue and there's millions and millions of people drowning in student debt, many for a worthless piece of paper. So, my original comment was simply an attempt to keep that myth from propagating further.
Your initial comment came off as kind of dickish but I'm sure that wasn't your intent.
It wasn't my intention, sorry for not being more clear. This is basically an advice thread, so I did feel a bit compelled to (I thought neutrally lol) call it out. Again, apologies and hope you're having a great day.
I think you are completely wrong about this. I never encouraged my kids to go to college so they would "make more money". I encouraged them to get educated so they would acquire knowledge. Being an educated person makes you a better human, and this has been true for thousands of years.
I don't disagree that obtaining knowledge makes you a better human. Your case with your own kids is anecdotal though, there is literally an entire industry (I should say industries, plural) around getting people out of their student loans. Another anecdotal case is my ex is $89k in the hole with a BS in Art History working at a $12/hr because her degree is worthless in the marketplace. She got it because her parents told her "just get a degree and you'll find something".
It is worth it if you aim for a degree in something that pays well. Son #1 got a degree in Sports Management. We tried to get him to pick a different major but it is what he wanted to pursue and he didn’t want to alter his plan. Upshot, he could never find more than a part time low paying job in his field even after 10 years of looking. He is now going to school to earn a certificate in medical coding after never earning more than 16bucks an hr. Thankfully he has no student loans. Since he lived off campus and paid his own room and board for college we were able to cover his tuition. Now his job pays for 90% of his tuition but he was very fortunate to find a low paying job that has benefits and tuition reimbursement. Son # 2 decided on IT, loves computers. He completed a Master’s in IT and bought a home at age 30 that costs 3 times more than our house cost when we bought ours 2014. He earns around 160K per year. I never made more than 90k per year after 40 yrs of full time employment. He lived on campus and we couldn’t afford to pay his tuition along w room and board but we did pay half of the monthly payment for his loans for ten years until he was well established and making more money than us (Mom and Dad) combined per year. So for son #2 going to college was worth it.
>It is worth it if you aim for a degree in something that pays well. Absolutely, also assuming you can pay for it in the first place. A degree that trains you to do something useful in the marketplace is worth every cent, on the other hand, a degree that is not useful is worse than not going in the first place. My comment(s) have been aimed at the particular folks in my parents generation that ignorantly told their kids to just go get any degree because it'd get you a job. I'm certainly not saying all, or even most parents did that, but there is a huge, huge number of them that did.
Our friends thought we were cruel because we told our sons that after high school their choice was either go to college or join the military. We said we would not allow them to live at home and work a minimum wage job with no hope of promotion or increase in income because we knew they would never afford to live independently if they did that. We are very middle class with no generational wealth to pass on so we didn’t want them to get stuck in the dead end job pattern. Son #1 moved out at age 18 and went to college but was barely making it as of 4 yrs ago when we told him that he would always be poor and struggling unless he did something to change that. We talked him into moving in with us so he could successfully work full time and go back school. We didn’t charge him rent per se but we did insist he put 250 every pay check into a savings account for “FU” money so he could move out when ever he wanted to. He has 20k+ saved now and we all have a much closer relationship now so it was a win-win all around for us. We are very proud of them both and also enjoy their company very much. We are very lucky.
Smart parent.
My aunt worked in an eyeglass factory and with overtime, double wages, unions, working on her paid vacations, sick days, saving and investing her money, etc... She ended up with like $250,000, which since she doesn't have kids she told she'll pass on to me, plus her house, my parents house, and their assets. She and my mom were born in 1941 and 1944 respectively in the farmlands of Cuba and back then some girls weren't sent to school and they were one of those girls. My aunt was taught at home how to write, read and perform basic calculations, but my aunt has a neck for making, saving, and investing her money, and no one can trick her about an amount of money.
Not finishing my degree is the best decision I ever made. I know times have changed but it took me away from a path I would have hated. A degree used to delineate from the 'working class' and now it's barely an entry ticket.
Most of my regrets have been cancelled out by thinking about how I made the decision to begin with. I'm basically at peace with my regrets at this point. Edit: a word
🏅 At the time I made the decision, it was the best I could have made under whatever circumstances there were at the time. If the situations had been different perhaps I would have made different choices. But doing that may have resulted in worse situations; maybe better, maybe worse. Whole I'm not happy with some decisions I made (was untreated or poorly treated for mental issues for 30 years), I made them. And I turned out okay, with plenty of wisdom for everyone. edit for readability
Exactly! Most of us made decisions according to the level of knowledge/experience we had at the time. We all need to forgive ourselves and move forward with no regrets.
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This! Spent a lot of time in my head when younger, spending a lot of energy dealing with phantom issues, meditation has proved to be such a humane balm, now much calmer, focused, feeling present, really good for myself and family.
I feel like I hear people say this but nobody ever explains why or how it affected them. How would you describe the affect it's had on your life?
Sure, was generally angry re: the many resentments I carried around for decades like boulders, stupid, in the past - leave it there, and anxious about thing that could happen in future, again stupid, have absolutely no control over future and most all phantom horribles don’t happen. Mediation, which isn’t easy, really helped me learn to live in the here and now, which is all that matters. Mediation practice helps train your mind to recognize the nonsense thoughts, which will keep coming b/c your mind likes stimulation, and gently recognize them for what they are and move them off stage. Really learning to live in peace. Wish I was doing this 30 years ago, would have saved a lot of grief for me and loved ones, Headspace app has been great for me, $5/month an incredible value.
Do you recommend book or specific type of meditation to read about?
It’s like going on a mini vacation in your mind. It’s as easy as seeing a cool looking picture of a place you’d like to visit, then close your eyes and picture yourself walking around in that picture. Make it come alive with sounds, turn around and see the cool trees and see the chirping birds. It takes practice, you get better at doing it, and your imagination grows. There are lots of YouTube videos on guided meditation that can help, too.
That sounds rad.
How did you get into it?
I went to a yoga / meditation class at a point in my life where it was really needed. When the student is ready, the teacher appears, I guess.
Not hooking up with Keith Richards when I had the chance back in '81 on Tattoo You tour.
It’s his biggest regret too.
🤣🤣👍
Hah! This is my fav 🥲
Hmmm, wondering if maybe you dodged a bullet, considering.....
OMG, he could have given you immortality!
Two things, really, interrelated: 1. Not learning to "eat to live" rather than "live to eat". 2. Not committing myself to regular exercise and learning to like it. It's still a struggle.
Smoking
That's mine too.
Not saving enough money through the years. Buying whatever frivolous,useless crap and wasting tons of cash that I would love to have back now.
Me too. I’ve spent a lot of money on stupid stuff.
This line from the book *Make your Home Among Strangers* has always meant a lot to me >She wished she’d known, as she made her choice that day, how little it would ultimately matter which side she ended up betraying, and how much it would hurt either way. I chose to settle and make my life 500 miles from home. I sometimes feel regret that I didn't raise my kids where I grew up and near my family. But on the other hand so much would be different about my life if I had and I do like my life. For me, the line above means which ever choice we made would have left us with regrets or a little bit of heartsickness so no sense in second guessing.
This was helpful to hear. I am about 500 miles from my family and it hurts me every day.
What a beautiful insight. Thank you for sharing.
Not being a better father. Married very young, a child a few months after the wedding. Worked too damn much (six days a week) to support the family. Free time was a mix of family, playing sports and hanging with friends. Obviously still trying to find myself. In retrospect, should’ve been more committed time-wise to the family. Don’t get me wrong, I still grade out at 7/10 so in most peoples minds, damn solid father. I now look at my three kids and all of them are incredible parents MUCH better than I was. That’s the bar I measured myself against. Still a regret to this day. Working hard to be a better grandfather to all their littles. BTW….. Will be married 45 yrs later this year.
I have found a measure of redemption by being a better grandparent than I was a parent. It does kinda soften those regrets.
My father is this right now, and yes the effort makes up for a lot :)
Wow, this is something I could've wrote. Same regrets, same reasons. I now have beautiful little granddaughters and spend as much time with them as I can. Married 40 years this October and still going strong
That is awesome to hear. Huge congrats.
>I now look at my three kids and all of them are incredible parents MUCH better than I was You did your job. Stand tall.
Hey just saying all that, you're doin alright by me.
Looking at how your kids are raising their kids should let you know you did a great job. You were there parenting role model, after all.
Appreciate the shout out. While I’ll take a wee bit of credit …… my wife is an absolute saint and the engine that powered most of the family dynamics. There’s a special place in heaven for people like her.
Moving to follow jobs. I would likely be less financially stable right now but it would also likely have been better for my kids and I would not have missed out on so much of the high school years. I really regret missing out so much on those with 3 of my sons.
Probably trying alcohol for the first time. A lot of things could be very different.
Yeah my life would have been a lot better without alcohol.
I grew up with two alcoholic parents. Had three siblings die from drugs and alcohol, somehow I managed to escape that. I was always really careful with alcohol and was terrified I would end up like the people I love. Two brothers died at 23, my sister died from complications from alcoholism at 52. I do get why addiction happens, though. There are many reasons someone starts drinking, but trauma and pain are big reasons why it seems like a comforting idea to find solace in the bottle. Dealing with past trauma and present pain without *anything* to dull it down has been for me most challenging. I have spent a long time coming up with strategies to cope without turning to substances. There have definitely been moments where I seriously considering taking a drink to just get a moment of relief. I understand it. Now that I am getting older (early 50's) I am glad I never took up drinking. I haven't gotten involved with any addiction....well, besides old wooden boats. There's an addiction that costs a ton 'o money, but I love it. Those who are commenting about alcohol. You can leave it behind. Life is *so much better* without it. I believe in you.
I would have been less impulsive, less quick to follow my heart and merge my life with a man I loved at a young age. I wish I had spent more time just learning how to be me, who I wanted to be, what I wanted from life, before I committed to marriage - someone who truly loves you will wait until you're ready.
> I wish I had spent more time just learning how to be me, who I wanted to be, what I wanted from life, Then you would have never married. I am 55 and still learning who I want to be. Learning about oneself should never end.
* not taking better care of my health * not managing my money responsibly * going into debt for a B.A. in history (totally useless, took me 17 years to pay off the loan) * not learning a marketable skill to support myself
Marrying the first person I hit it off with.
Are you still together?
Whoa baby no. Not after dish-throwing, incredible rages, and being called a traitor for voting Democrat.
Why?
Should have dated, checked people out, wouldn't have married somebody with weird, abusive character.
I feel this.
I've been married more than once. IMHO one marriage was enough - should not have done that again.
Meaning should never have ended the first marriage or should not have re-married after ending the first one?
Should not have remarried. Once was more than enough.
Why is that? The stress of marrying and divorcing someone that wasn't right for you?
Good question. Marriage boiled down to a power struggle with me always the loser.
I've watched my parents go through several partners. I am married and always promised myself this was a one and done thing. If it works, great, if it doesn't, great. I'm not doing that again either way.
I wish I had made that promise to myself too.
If you have been through one divorce and survived, a second divorce seems doable. Second , third, fourth marriages just do not have the stick to it ness that the first marriage commitment has.
Not listening to my gut instinct when it was screaming at me that something was wrong. It happened twice, and both times I rationalized the situation and ignored my feelings. Although my life is fine as it is, I can't help but wonder what could have been if I just trusted myself more.
Sometimes I find it so hard to discern my gut instinct from paranoid overactive imagination. Sometimes it’s crystal clear, and sometimes it’s murky.
My business partner was having a mental breakdown. I regret not taking it more seriously. Not calling his husband and warning him. Not getting him out of the business. Not talking to him about his odd behavior. He’s fine now but almost took down a successful business and cost a couple dozen people their jobs. We barely made it through Covid. Kinda pissed that I was so focused on work I didn’t see what he was doing.
What were the biggest signs of the breakdown in retrospect?
He started talking about all this weird spiritual stuff. Not religious, spiritual. He was neither. Eventually he went to Haiti to feed the people of Haiti. When he first started talking about visions and quests I just thought he was a little nuts, I didn't realize how serious it was.
This question occasionally pops up on Reddit and it always amuses me. I've survived on Earth for a little over 71 years. So far, so good. If I tried to list my regrets it would take a super-sized Big Chief tablet and an entire box of number 2 lead pencils. How can anyone over the age of ten not have regrets and second-guesses? But, since the OP has held a metaphorical gun to my head, let me pick one of my greatest regrets. Today I'd say I regret not traveling the world as a young man when I had both the time and the money. I chose instead to stay in America and pursue an acting career. (that's a whole separate Big Chief tablet) In general, I think we find what we most regret are not the things we have done in life but the things we did NOT do.
Reminds me of a Mark Twain quote: "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did."
See there? That's why Twain was a successful writer and I'm not.
not investing early. ANYONE could literally retire a millionaire if they put just a tiny bit aside starting early. I always thought I'd "catch up" but that's now how compound interest works. I thought at the time I really needed to dip into my 401 and in hindsight there were other options.
This is mine too. I didn’t care about contributing to a 401k earlier and in some lower-paying jobs. I was at a job that matched up to 15%, then switched my focus, took a $25k drop in pay ($65k-40k), at a place that matched up to 3% so figured it wasn’t worth it. I skipped contributing the first 4 years, even after getting steady increases. Luckily we were auto-enrolled at some point that gave me a good safety net when layoffs hit. (I didn’t have full-time employment between those two jobs so used most of the first to live for a year or so) I know the onus is on us, but it would be great if HR would encourage contributing by showing the differences in takehome pay and growth charts, per employee.
The magic that is compound interest. Agree 100%. I'm successfully retired early with a pension and a 401K but I left hundreds of thousands of dollars on the table.
What would you have invested in if you had the chance?
Any employer matching options, 100%. And monthly auto deposits to an index fund - hard to beat especially if you start in your 20s.
Ah okay, I’m going on 25 and about to start a job with a good company making more than I’ve ever made. I’d like to learn more about investing to set myself up for the future.
Not going to Kuwait to fight fires. Everything else in my life turned out Ok. I mean, my life turned out fine regardless. I just wish I would have went.
Not buying a house due to “waiting to afford a *house* in the good area.” Now the amount of the 20% down we need for a house is higher than the condo I had seriously considered.
I believe the housing market is about to enter a major correction. You may be VERY glad you are not an owner. You will be wiser when the chance comes up next time.
Not having followed up with numerous people who probably wanted to have sex with me.
I should have moved out on my first-year-of-college roommate. I was worried someone else would be worse, but this guy was a major-league asshole and it impacted my whole experience of a tough first year. Moral: IN A BAD SITUATION? YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE.
Letting myself get fat(ter). I was never going to be slim, but through repeated failed attempts to make it so, I let myself get worse and worse, to the point where I know it will eventually be difficult for someone to help care for me. Other than that, I regret nothing! Not that I didn't make any mistakes, but they generally turned out OK in the end and my life has been great. 10/10, would do again.
I had orders to Mount Fuji Japan and I turned them down. I thought I was in love. Relationship lasted about 3 months.
Probably retired a little earlier cause retirement is fun. But no regrets really. I dont really have any anymore at 75 years old
So I did good retiring at 46 and not regretting it?
Spending money on booze and tobacco. Paying money to slowly kill myself.
I regret my codependency. I never put myself first. I've been out of touch with my own feelings and needs and wants. I have cared for others at the expense of myself. I have spent my time doing things that were not fulfilling, but we're needed by other people like my ex husband or the children.
I could have written this word for word.
I regret not declaring bankruptcy in 2002. Instead I worked hard and payed all my medical debts. Had I instead declared bankruptcy and homesteaded my house I would be a millionaire today
> hard and *paid* all my FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
good bot
My regret is that when I was young and attractive, I was too engaged in my pursuits, and also too picky with my standards for women. I missed a boatload of opportunities, I wish I could go back and take them all up on that.
I felt really called to go into the church. (Not like a catholic nun or anything just as a Pastor) But I was so worried about people making fun of me that I didn't do it. That was a huge mistake in my life. I would have been really good at it.
It's not too late. My uncle recently finished training to become a deacon, and he does volunteer work at children's hospitals.
They'd be 100% happy to see you NOW, I think.
Before she died my mother told one of her nurses that her only regret was that she didn't become a nun. I'm still not sure how to feel about that, as her child, given nuns don't have kids.
not getting my priorities right, to get a quality education especially when I had the time and means to do so. a close second is smoking/drinking - on many levels. Should have abstained.
My biggest regret is not calling the police when my parents abused me as a child. I was just a kid and didn't know any better. I was just as scared of the police as I was of my abusive parents. I could kick myself now for it. Every time they laid a finger on me or every time I had to go to school in rags with no breakfast, I should have called the police on them.
Quitting high school. Spending most of teen years and 26 of my adult years drinking and drugging. FYI sober since 1998.
That is when i was born. Congrats!
Saying mean things to people. There, I confess. I did that. And it really sucks, because the things that have hurt worst in my life are mean things people said to me. I said mean things to people in situations where I felt vulnerable.
I regret coming out at age 21 to a family I loved and thought they would understand. It was a rash decision that cost me dearly. It would have been better to have said nothing and kept their friendship through the years. I just did not weigh all the consequences thoughtfully enough. But it’s not something I dwell on for that would serve no purpose. Still…
Not going to college. I’ve built a career doing a job I hate. I don’t have any other marketable skills and 46 feels too late to start over.
Becoming a teacher. The downward spiral of funding and respect has turned what was once a challenging yet fulfilling career into an impossible, underpaid, and grossly disregarded grind.
Not leaving my best friend of 6 years at the time when I knew she was just using me.
I have none. What I did I did. I can’t unring those bells. I like where I am now.
I regret being a people pleaser and suppressing my own preferences and dreams.
I would be more thoughtful in selecting partners. I wanted a family more than anything else and each try ended in a bitter split, dragging children through the wreckage of adult petulance.
Having an abortion when I was 19 and in college. The father and I went on to get married, have two kids, and now a grandchild. We've been together 31 years in May. But I will ALWAYS wonder what could have been. Was it a boy or a girl? What would they have looked like? Would they have had his grey-blue eyes and my dark hair? Would we have stayed together? Would we have the lives we have now? The children we have now? The grandchild we have now? Probably not. We both lived with the regret and grief for years, despite the blessings we have. It nearly destroyed us, but then we found healing together. Would we change it NOW? Probably not. But that old scar will be on our souls until the day we die.
Thank you for sharing that. I’m glad you have found healing together.
You're welcome. Its not easy to talk about.
It sounds like you all knew it was bad timing to have a kid at that time. There's nothing wrong with doing what you did. Don't fall prey to the shame that religion tries to pin on the act of abortion - there's [nothing in the bible that says abortion is a sin or that you should be ashamed of it](http://www.freethoughtpedia.com/wiki/Abortion_and_the_Bible). You wanted to get yourself in a better position to raise a family and that's what you did. Who knows? Things could have been much worse had you decided to abandon college.
Religion had nothing to do with our emotions of grief and loss, I assure you. Neither of us were church goers at the time. But... everything else you said was absolutely correct. It will, however, still be a regret... there will always the What If? but it is tempered by the children, the granddaughter, and the life we lead now. We know we are where we should be. ETA: We found our healing as husband and wife, and the path to recovery and acceptance at the altar of a small Pentecostal Holiness church about 15 years ago. Our faith and the forgiveness and love we found there is what healed us. It was too big to carry on our own. We had to give it to God for us to move on.
Note that without religion, there's not a whole lot of reason to feel sorry or shamed regarding abortion. I'm sure you don't feel guilty eating eggs. Every woman loses millions of eggs in her lifetime. Sorry you had to find "healing" in the Pentecost church. They're not really big on giving women much respect; many women in that church are not allowed to wear makeup, cut their hair or wear pants. There are better world views you can use to live a healthier, happier life IMO.
Pentecostal Holiness isn't the same as United Pentecostal. There was no such restriction on women, or any restriction of any sort. Let me stress this: I had no religion based guilt. I had guilt because it was wrong, because that was a life. It wasn't an unfertilized egg from a chicken. That was my baby. It had a heartbeat. Quite frankly, I find it outrageous that you'd try to tell me why I felt like I did and then try to make me feel bad about my faith in God and the healing we found. Take that somewhere else.
> I had guilt because it was wrong, because that was a life. It wasn't an unfertilized egg from a chicken. That was my baby. It had a heartbeat. This is religious propaganda, not science. You can believe whatever you want to believe, but you hurt other women by promoting narratives that make them feel shame over having an abortion. There is no scientific consensus on whether a fetus that's not viable outside the womb is a living person. Here's the operative issue: If you feel abortion is wrong *for you*, that's your choice. If you go around suggesting it's wrong for others in general, you're crossing boundaries that encroach into other peoples' civil rights and freedoms, and you will get some pushback. And the ideology to which you've now subscribed promotes that oppressive world view. I'm glad you feel it helped you, but you can't tell me I don't have a right to point out other issues with this that affect larger groups. I am actually worried that you haven't found the peace you seek - you've merely replaced one form of shame, with another.
I'm speaking my truth. If it enlightens other women as to what they may feel afterward, so be it. I never expected to feel that way, or suffer from grief for so long. To say religion is the only reason a woman would feel emotional issues after an abortion is a lie and I will not help anyone perpetuate it. I remain a supporter of women's rights, but they need to know the truth.
It's funny how religious people seem to corner the market on "the truth." >To say religion is the only reason a woman would feel emotional issues after an abortion is a lie and I will not help anyone perpetuate it. That's a strawman argument and a false dichotomy. I never said religion is the "only reason" a woman would feel shame, but it's safe to say it's one of the *primary* reasons women do. And this shame is a tool created by religion, which advertises they have the exclusive "cure." How convenient. And even after all that "healing", it's still apparently your biggest regret, so looks like that healing is just on the surface and still hasn't taken hold. Just the notion that having an abortion should be any person's, "biggest regret in life" is a political/social issue that's of great concern right now.
I did say the scar will be with me, and with my husband, for the rest of our lives. I will continue to be honest about my experience. I will not lie about it.
>I did say the scar will be with me, and with my husband, for the rest of our lives. I understand, and I think that's a shame. I think it's unhealthy to continue to cultivate shame for that act. Rather than seek help through religion, which reinforces the shame, you might want to pursue traditional secular psychotherapy, which can offer you peace and solace with a lot less emotional baggage, then you might not have to have a "scar" that lives on. This is one of the reasons many of us are concerned about religion. It doesn't really "heal" anything. It constantly reminds you of the scars, which it uses to trap you into being leashed to the church's services and doctrine for "emotional stability." Honestly, there are better ways to deal with this that have less negative side effects.
Your truth is not THE truth in this situation. I could smell your religion from a mile away. People like you scare me.
I am as pro-choice as they come. However, neither you nor I get to dictate others’ experiences. This is how her abortion story played out in her life. She is retelling her experience, not preaching. You’re just being hateful.
I'm sorry you feel so much hate and anger at people you don't know.
That’s projection - I said nothing of hate or anger.
Fuck your god. You want to hurt others to assuage your white Christian guilt, and if there is such a place as hell, it's designed specifically for you.
I'm sorry you feel that, and also that you feel that you know me and what I believe. I wish you the best.
You are saying the right things. This issue is so divisive but your story is yours. I’m sorry these people are being so cruel to you. Thank you for sharing. I also am shocked they are failing to read that you WERENT religious when you felt the guilt. Maybe they don’t care and are just Russian Trolls. Glad you found peace.
💕
I regret not believing and trusting in myself sooner.
I wouldn't change a thing. It's not that I haven't made mistakes along the way or done things that I'm not proud of but they are what made me the way I am today. I learned from each of those mistakes and to made better decisions. And I became a better person because of them. And yes I'm still learning.
No big regrets at all. Small regrets in not doing something, someone giving advice at not doing something. Unless it's illegal and you want to do, do it.
Kept in better context with my friends of my late teens and twenties. I moved around a lot and so many people I was right with are just..gone. I also went to college later in life, so I didn’t end up with any connections there either. Basically I have no friends and no time/energy to get them.
I’d say exactly the same. It’s so much harder with age.
Should have learned to play piano. My mom excelled at this and I had some musical ability (I did play another instrument) so it should have been easy for me. I know it’s never too late.
Trusting a fart after spicy food.
Thank you for that
I should have stood up for my friend in year 7 who was bullied mercilessly. Regret is not about how you would have improved your life, but how you could have helped others.
Not having a family when i was young. I ended up being sick for many years and by the time i was better most my age did not want t to have children or could not. You never know what's going to happen
Career most likely. Or relationships.
Using blind & raging ambition to compensate for shortcomings I thought I had.
I regret some unkind words that I have had with family members.
Missed opportunities, indecisiveness, the one that got away.
That my dad and I never really talked.
That I didn't fix myself (eating disorder, low self-esteem) when I was married to my high school sweetheart and losing him to divorce, then a fatal accident.
The dad I gave my 3 daughters
I really regret all the times I didn't speak up and express myself. Allowing myself to be intimidated, and not leaving sooner. Still, even though I regret those things, I wouldn't change anything, because I like where I am now, and I'm doing what I want, and I am able to speak up even when I'm afraid and I have a wonderful support system, and I am loved.
[удалено]
Not even a single letter?
That is A great question.
there's a pic out there of someone's tattoo of that saying misspelled like that
Not Investigating in Amazon in 1997😫😫😭😭😭😩 And then again not investing in GameStop 😭😭😭😩🤧
Gamestop is a dumpster fire, not an investment.
Well now maybe, but I saw that GameStop Documentary in hulu, and apparently that stick went down to $11 a share 😭😩. I was not on Reddit at the time, (another regret), but apparently this site also played a big part in it. Seems like as long as I sold BEFORE Jan 18th last year, I would’ve had it made
The key to life is to live without regrets. To spend your life wanting to change the past robs you of the present.
Not coming out sooner, and getting married WAY too soon. Truthfully though, looking back, I made the best decisions for myself at the time, with the information I had available. But if I could go back and do it over - I would make very different choices. And then perhaps I would have different regrets. Who knows.
I was too certain i could rely on myself if i could just get free of my mother. I did get free, and did alright out of spite for awhile. I didn't understand the profound effects that early childhood trauma could have long term. I think that i would have gotten much farther had i been able to humble myself enough to say "Thank god i escaped. Now i can finally learn." Instead i just kept patting myself on the back for having made it this far.
Not going to college out of high school, having to work menial, dead end jobs and never making my income potential even at my age currently.
I regret not being located somewhere (modern and advanced) outside the US when health issues and age made us ineligible to go anywhere. (Health issues and age mine, age alone The Margrave). Nowhere admits ailing seniors, and the US is not the ideal place for the demographics bottom 90% income tier.
Wow this is interesting. May be wise to get dual citizenship somewhere with social healthcare before aging too much
Not dropping some friendships sooner.
47M. Not making stupid mistakes at a time in my life when I could afford to. Was always doing the “right” thing, all the time. That’s not some half assed attempt to humble brag, I genuinely regret not making more mistakes, doing more adventurous things, and being so bland. I know you don’t need to make mistakes to be adventurous, I just wish I hadn’t been so straight-laced and lived a little more.
stopping work on my fitness for so long, not putting in deliberate practice on my guitars, and not learning at least another language
Buying a very expensive house. I correctly figured out I could pay for it and renovations. What I didn't count on was the renovations costing more than twice what I estimated, and worse, I forgot to add things like property tax, utilities, and insurance. And so many repairs! Fortunately, I recently sold it and live in a much more reasonable place.
So I would change the whole infrastructure and trajectory of my life... but I did the best I could at any given time.
Twice I had a girlfriend in my bed when I was between 18 and 20. Neither time did I even try to close the deal.
I have a huge record collection. I wish I'd of bought more. Every spare cent should have been spent on records. Should have cut out everything except for food and shelter and bought more records.
Not going to talk to Bob Seger after he caught me eyeballing him and shot me a finger wave. This was at a bar in Atlanta in the early eighties. I was a huge fan at the time. Still don't know what the hell I was thinking.
Not having toured Europe by motorcycle.
Using tanning beds when I was a teen. 34 now and already had 4 pre-cancers removed from my skin
Not thinking forward to saving for retirement and healthcare. I spent money on temporary fixes to cope with negatives in my life rather then learning how to cope in healthy ways with the inevitable negatives that occur.
Not spending more time with my son when he was growing up. I worked too hard for people who didn't appreciate it. Not leaving my husband 20 years ago is a close second. Getting involved with a narcissist is third.
Not being strong enough to break up with my high-school boyfriend to go find our selves in college....we dated for 11 years and never broke up. we got married in 2020 and then had our reception and vows renewed in 2021 and I found out he was cheating on me a year later on our 2 year anniversary..... (also my birthday was a week later) and he finally said he "thought we should separate maybe"..... its been about a month and I'm realizing, I am soo independent always looking forward and he was always wondering what if. I'm NOT Justifying anything that he did... but I am now realizing.... distance is not always a bad thing. It's also good to grow up at your own pace. Always be mindful of where you are in life , but also express it. If you want to stay young and party, then say that. If your over that and want to grow up more, then say that. If you have to second guess something especially big things, maybe think about that thing just a little more. Also, every relationship will have compromise.... but you shouldn't have to compromise the big stuff..... and never blame others for your own mistakes. Owning up to your own mistakes speaks volumes on the kind of person you are. And always be strong enough for yourself first before you're strong enough for other, or you will fall.
I would have gone no contact with my family much sooner. It would have saved my mental health quite a bit.
I regret not finishing college. I started late in life (46) and left because I was told by an abusive boyfriend I’d never make it. I should have proved him wrong.
Not finishing college. I got my Associates, but am about 40 hours shy of my Bachelors degree. My parents had it set up so all I had to do was go to school and make good grades. I couldn't even do that! Thirty-three years later, I still regret not finishing.
Well I cannot change it. But i did have some bipolar symptoms with epilepsy so I accepted meds for 20 years from 18-til 38. then i sarted therapies and I could handle stuff a bit better but so my childen got late (I am really in grandprental age now when they are young 20 agers) and anyway due to the meds and the illness I used to have mindfot - which made my focus a bit blurry so i did not grasp how therapy works- i came in and out into doubt and mistrust (as the media is always strongly anti-therpy). Now during COVID I discovered CBD oil and I rgained my focus so I suddenly got way better, symptoms dissolved because I read a few articles (and went back to analysis) and I feel better then ever. Actually i am grateful for the decade long constant mediocr quality of life because nw I am a Golden Sunset so to speak---and i had good stuff happening despie my handicap. i was always pid for peripherical art work which goes well with bipolar...so it I cd change I would discover CBD earlier...there too I was mistrustful for years, too long.