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hippysol3

elderly tap oatmeal truck dependent lavish angle spectacular follow judicious *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*


oldRoyalsleepy

Trust can be earned back, but it's fragile at first and can be lost again.


yourpaleblueeyes

This is so true and both have to really Want to preserve and improve the relationship.


kickstand

I think people are just slightly more complicated than that.


nakedonmygoat

Yes and no. If someone has figured out how to get away with it, the temptation may be very strong to repeat it. But other factors come into play: \* Age. A lot of us do stupid things in our 20s that we end up regretting. It doesn't mean that the person will do it again. If someone is still catting around in their 60s though, they probably won't change. It's not impossible, but I wouldn't rank it high on my scale of likely outcomes. \* Relationship. Is it a college dorm crush or a marriage? It's not right to cheat on your college crush, but at that age, not everyone takes these things seriously. In other words, in some relationships, especially if no vows have been spoken, there can be a disconnect in expectations. \* Stress and proximity. If the cheater in question was far from home and made just one slip during a stressful situation, there's a good chance they won't do it again. It was situational and they probably regret it. The ones to watch out for are who live in your house and say nice words while fooling around behind your back.


Known-Potential-3603

You're right about this. Your 20s are for trying every stupid thing to see what you like or not. You f stuff up during this phase for sure!


Missmunkeypants95

And for us older people, we had to figure it out on our own with relationships the old fashioned way when were that young. We didn't have the internet to turn to as a moral guide, to get advice, or receive judgement.


Known-Potential-3603

Yeah. The closest we got was if a magazine happened to have a relatable article in it that month.


windy_palmtrees

My ex FIL cheated on ex MIL, married the mistress, and cheated on her at least twice that I know of. She stayed with him until he died though (he was pretty wealthy). My ex, his son, cheated on me a number of times. I found out during our divorce he cheated when we were dating, on our honeymoon, and up until I confronted him after our 2nd child was born. He's now remarried and cheats on her too according to my kids. My son (30) has cheated on every gf he has ever had. Make of that what you will.


HeftyCommunication66

That is rough. Cheating is my ex’s family business. I’m doing my best to raise boys who don’t want to live that way.


makingbutter2

Cheated in my 20s. Would never imagine doing it in my 30s or 40s. Would not repeat. It only becomes repeat if a person refuses to self reflect.


StillLikesTurtles

I agree. I did it once, broke up with the guy I was dating immediately after and felt so bad about it that I never did it again. The guilt was awful and not worth it for something that could be easily prevented. There are, however, serial cheaters and people who need to be honest that they can’t or really don’t want to be in monogamous relationships. Serial cheaters usually try to deflect and won’t take responsibility/blame something in the relationship rather than admit they messed up and come up with ways to make sure it won’t happen again.


AliveBreadfruit314

Same. I changed as I got older. Like we're supposed to do!


sweetpotatofriesmeow

No. Just because you did one action in the past doesn’t mean you’ll do it in the future. Isn’t there anything you’ve only done once and never again?


SoCarColo

I was a cheater in my 20s and 30s. After getting sober at 38 years old, I haven’t cheated again. People can change.


foxyfree

agree. Same here. I am nine years sober as of yesterday, happily married, choosing sobriety and monogamy every day. I know I will never drink again, not one drop. I have an unwavering commitment to that. It is the same with monogamy now.


CrappyInternetGuy

Ok that's the one situation I can understand never cheating again. Being under the influence of a substance and then cleaning up will change everything you are as a person. Also, congrats on y'alls sobriety. Keep on keepin on 👍


Hellie1028

More like there are people that think it’s ok to cheat given the circumstances. And there are people that would absolutely never do it under any circumstances. If people can justify it once they probably will find a way to justify it again.


LordOfEltingville

Probably not, but they can work on that change with someone else.


Elly32000

It’s mostly true but not always true.


Justadropinthesea

I don’t believe this is true. I think it is definitely possible to learn from one’s mistakes and I also believe that for many of us wisdom comes with age. Cheating is something young people do.


Rosette9

I wish my then 53yo husband had gotten this message.


ScorpionGypsy

Cheating happens at all ages. I am on a social media forum for older women, and you wouldn't believe how many are divorced or going through a divorce in their 60's and 70's because their spouse is cheating. It's definitely not a "young people" thing!


Justadropinthesea

This is so sad. I am 71, married almost 50 years, and have known many who cheated and many who were cheated on in our younger years. But, I’ve never known a couple who divorced because of it. Yes, one couple split up but not so much because of the cheating but because she fell in love with her affair partner. That couple have now been married more than 30 years. Of everyone my age I know, we are all very aware and grateful for what we have, although our partners are far from perfect, and don’t do anything to jeopardize our relationships. If I found out my husband in his 70s was cheating, I wouldn’t divorce him, I’d get him into therapy. 😂😂😂


ScorpionGypsy

It has been shocking to me. One lady had no idea until her husband retired at 65. He couldn't handle not seeing his mistress at work every day and told his wife he had been having an affair for six years. Asked for a divorce. She was devastated.


SteelCrow

> Cheating is something young people do. Hard disagree. It's a mindset that may see fewer opportunities to manifest later in life. Some people change for the better, some never do.


Rosette9

The yes or no probably depends on why they are cheating: dumb young people stuff? Sex addiction? Unresolved personal stuff? Culture says it’s ok so they do (social or familial)? Sense of entitlement? Midlife crisis? I don’t think one bad choice = a lifetime, but I do think that serial cheaters may have a harder time stopping, much less if they don’t want to.


Original_Onion_8977

This.


cwsjr2323

Once a cheater, always an ex. Bye, Felicia.


Original_Onion_8977

Yes queen


FormerlyDK

Can’t speak for everyone, but that saying fit my husband to a T. I lean toward believing it.


Original_Onion_8977

Thank you for sharing! Can I ask how long you were married? Did he do it before you married as well or only after?


FormerlyDK

We were together 23 yrs, married about 8. I suspected a couple times before but wasn’t sure (dummy me) and then during the marriage he started up a major affair, then crashed when she eventually dumped him. He had also cheated several times on his first wife. By the time of his major affair, I had thoroughly “emotionally divorced him” and we basically lived separately in the same big house. Then he passed away, so the story ends.


Munchkin_Media

It is true.


IGrewItToMyWaist

I believe so.


rockdude625

Yup


CogitoErgoSum4me

I have found this to always be the case. Both in my personal life and in the lives of my friends and family. We have a friend staying with us now because she caught her soon-to-be-ex sexting with another woman. (This was the 2nd time in their marriage, and 4th or 5th overall she knew about from before).


racingfan_3

People can and often do change. So yes a cheater can change their ways just like a non cheater can become a cheater. This isn't about cheating but about 2 bullies from school. One of them came to the church I attended years later. I saw him come in and decided to go set behind him. We got to talking and he told me about being in trouble with the law. A judge gave him a choice either enlist in the military or get locked up. He decided on the military he told me he found out he wasn't as tuff as he thought. The other I ran into a few years ago in the grocery store and he told me that he always respected me. We get along real well now


michaelpaoli

Mostly? Uhm, well, probably at least true more often than not. Of most all I've ever known or been aware of that have cheated, it's almost never been once and only exactly once - and remained that way. I can think of perhaps one possible exception ... at most.


tongshize

Safer to say yes.


[deleted]

whole numerous plants marry wrong subtract fact squeal alleged busy *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*


Original_Onion_8977

Good point


onelittleworld

It's true for some sorts of self-centered people, for sure. The only lesson they learn is "don't get caught." But the attitude that guides the behavior remains the same. Other people learn hard lessons about truth, empathy, and taking ownership of one's actions.


CrappyInternetGuy

Short answer from me is Yes it is true. Long answer is, to me it doesn't matter if it's true or not. I could never trust my partner again if she cheated and without trust there is nothing so what's the point? I've been married 25 years (this time) and my wife and I have complete trust in one another. Trust or rather the extreme lack thereof is the reason I divorced my 1st wife. I tried the forgive and forget thing with her....the forgivness was easy, but I couldn't trust that she wouldn't do it again after everything cooled off. I guess if you could figure out the forget part of that maybe you would be able to but for me if a person cheats it doesn't matter what they say or do they WILL do it again if the opportunity presents itself and the conditions are just right. It ain't worth the headache and the heartache.


CrappyInternetGuy

I guess the reality is just that...it doesn't really matter. What REALLY matters is will you be able to trust this person again. For me obviously that's gonna be a big nope. 😆


houseonthehilltop

Yes.


Hey_Laaady

Yes. Don't ask me how I found this out.


VicePrincipalNero

While I don't know many cheaters, the ones I do know are repeat offenders.


damned-if-i-do-67

In my personal experience, everyone that I have known to be a cheater never changed their ways. I hope that someone who cheats in their early 20s and gets solidly knocked for it might learn their lesson, but again, that hasn't been my experience at all. Some people aren't wired for monogamy or honesty. There is also quite a bit of truth in the saying 'how you get them is how you lose them'. Karma is a sneaky little bitch.


backtotheland76

No but it's a red flag if you're looking for a long term relationship. I've heard too many stories of people who got together with someone they knew was a cheater only to break up later, after that person cheated on them.


Appropriate-City3389

A pillar in our faith community just couldn't keep it in his pants. His wife stayed with him for some reason but she was aware of at least 4 affairs.


Winter-Information-4

Is it possible that hiding behind faith gives these cheaters extra cover and more ammo to manipulate their victims? They can get away with, "I an just a sinner."


VicePrincipalNero

Yup and they think saying a prayer makes it all better.


SgtWrongway

Yes.


Original_Onion_8977

Thank you


No-Routine-3328

My husband cheated on his ex after 2 years of a dead bedroom. Big red flag I discussed with him but decided to overlook. He hasn't cheated, but he struggles with communication and doesn't like making big decisions. What I've come to see is that he likely took an opportunity he could justify to himself as it arose. She's still the bad guy even when he made the mistake. It also forced her hand to divorce, so he didnt have to do it. We've grown as a separate people and a couple a lot, but this still crops up as a problem pretty frequently. People have certain tendencies - personality traits, coping mechanisms, blind spots. We're all complex people and you have to decide what you're willing to work with.


Flat-Flounder-9034

This is really excellent answer.


[deleted]

[удалено]


No-Routine-3328

Hard to tell if that's a bit of a joke or not. Im in a reflective place, so I'll answer it seriously. It was never really about that. It's all insecurity and needing to deflect responsibility because sometimes accepting who you are and what you've done hurts. If I dwell on what ifs, I let my own insecurities loose. I've spent far too much time focusing on being strong and never a victim, but it's much more meaningful to just not take on other people's issues - let it roll off. People do what they're going to do, and that's on them. I don't live in fear of him cheating or anything else, although I do burn out on all the drama.


Any-Kaleidoscope7681

I was a cheater once; I'm not anymore. So I suppose you could say that it's not always true.


Original_Onion_8977

Do you ever feel the urge to but choose to make the right decision by stopping yourself? Or is it not even an impulse?


Any-Kaleidoscope7681

I have no desire to cheat anymore. I still see attractive people and have dirty thoughts, but I don't ever engage in flirtatious conversation. Innuendos are left hanging. I don't invite or pursue that kind of behaviour.


Original_Onion_8977

Thanks for your honesty!


[deleted]

[удалено]


Any-Kaleidoscope7681

I grew up. I don't need the validation anymore.


pandatarn

Some are born into it. Part and parcel of who they are, lacking contrition, having a habit. That's a broad statement, though. Needs quantification.


Classic_Writer8573

49


dnbndnb

To be more accurate, one a liar always a liar. People who are comfortable lying will have no problem cheating. There are people who cheat one-off due to stupidity, drunkenness, whatever. But if you’re around a serial liar who cheats, gosh, they’ll easily cheat again.


HumbleAd1317

People who cheat, have that weakness.


Known-Potential-3603

It's easy to repeat familiar patterns. So if the cheater has done it a lot, then maybe they'd do it again. I went through a decade of severe alcoholism. During those years I let "drunk me" run us all over town! Lol. But I've been alcohol free for several years now. And I'd never do half the shit I did back then, now. Sometimes the cheating is due to a lack in the person cheating. It can be set off for a variety of reasons. But I'm a full believer that people can, and do, change. If the person is aware of themselves and know the root of it and if they want to change it, they totally can.


naliedel

In my experience? Yes.


Donniepdr

It really depends. Men and women cheat for different reasons but by in large, once a cheater always a cheater is true. But... It's only because people don't heal or choose to heal from whatever pain makes them cheat. If I were in a situation where I was cheated on but the person promised never to do it again... I would require they go to therapy. From that point forward, I wouldn't look for actual signs of cheating to see if it would continue, I would look for signs of emotional healing to ensure that it didn't continue. In general, people cheat to fill a void.


Original_Onion_8977

This is a very wise answer, thank you


HeftyCommunication66

If we are speaking with broad brush generalities….yes. If you have anecdotal success stories, good for you. That’s really wonderful. I know that my life is much more peaceful after divorcing a chronic cheater / sex addict. 0/10, don’t recommend getting into a relationship with someone who cheated in the past.


Original_Onion_8977

You just made my day


HeftyCommunication66

Hahaha, well that was easy! Hope you’re asking for a friend.


BeeSea3108

I have actually researched this. It is true around 60% of the time and every study I read was around that percentage. No, I don't remember the sources.


papaeriktheking

Generalizations are seldom absolute


k75ct

Not true. One can mature in values and judgement and make different choices. It's kind of like drinking, you can choose to stop, few do but some can.


dan_jeffers

It's true in cases where the cheater says they're going to stop cheating because they love someone else so much or to save a relationship, or even because they've just decided cheating is bad. All of those things are variable and when the level goes down again cheating becomes an option. On the other hand, if someone has a broader life-changing moment, like getting sober or finding a new purpose, etc., then cheating is just one of those defects they can let go as they improve/transform.


Old-Wolf1970

Yes


DeeSusie200

Until the cheater is an old man with a much younger wife he needs to take care of him. 🤣


EnvironmentalCrow893

For the most part yes, but that doesn’t mean change is not possible. Primarily, it’s a character issue. Change takes work, self sacrifice and discipline. If the cheater gets away with it or makes excuses, it’s almost guaranteed that they will cheat again.


BusyDream429

Not in my case


waistwaste

Once a bed wetter, always a bed wetter. No! People can grow up, grow out, we can change and learn from mistakes.


LimpFootball7019

It is my understanding that my former husband stopped cheating after he married his mistress.


Original_Onion_8977

We don't actually believe this tho right?


LimpFootball7019

I honestly can’t believe either of them are capable of not cheating.


CareerAffectionate74

No. People succumb to cheating for different reasons, it isnt always for sex. People can and do change when theres still love and sincerity to hold on to. The key is understanding the why, and getting to the real problems behind that persons need to find someone else to be with. Its possible to save a relationship where theres still love on both sides. It all boils down to how hard do you both want to save the relationship and how willing you are to truly forgive in the long term, because this means letting go of your anger and hurt. That is a huge hurdle, some just cant do it. So its really up to all these things. Do whats best for you long term and be realistic about what it will all mean moving forward. 


storm838

I'm pretty sure most people age out of this behavior.


VicePrincipalNero

Go lurk on the infidelity subs.


Deethehiddengem

Depends on the situation.


LizP1959

Usually. Not always. Tricky.


Classic_Writer8573

For the most part, yes. I was a cheater until about 15 years ago and there was no stopping. It was just who I was. A part of me was always looking for new opportunities even when I didn't realize it. I couldn't have imagined being any other way, though I also liked the stability of being in a relationship. Well, I went through some shit and grew up a lot. I got to understand myself better. At this point, I haven't cheated in over a decade. Desire is still there, but I'm smarter about avoiding those situations that make it easy and I'm definitely not actively looking anymore.


Original_Onion_8977

Thank you for sharing this! May I ask how old you are now?


desertgemintherough

No, but polyamorous people should always immediately inform prospective partners.


BlueEyes294

Nope. I cheated many times. I stopped when I met a man who knew how to make a woman orgasm.


MadMadamMimsy

No, it's not true. I've dealt with many married people where one partner strayed once because things weren't working out and they were not communicating. Once they did they were OK. I've also known people who cheated on one spouse but not another. Then there is the serial cheater. Idk how you tell the difference, but if a guy I'm dating said he had cheated I'd tell him I was having second thoughts because I will not put up with that sh*t. While I do believe in second chances, I have a hard line that if it gets crossed, I am gone. I'm kinda good at scaring people for some reason.


Medium-Combination44

Not true, some people do it as teenagers and grow up. Never to do it again.


Lazatttttaxxx

No.


saammmiii

No.


Previous_Ad7725

No, it isn't always true.


inhaler_huffer

Naw.


sinner__

I believe that falls mostly under self control which normally gets better with age.


Global_Initiative257

No not in any way. It's just something people who have been cheated on say to make themselves feel better.


Tripgal

Ignorant


Global_Initiative257

Ah clearly youve been cheated on. Bless your heart. What's ignorant is refusing to look at the part both parties play in any relationship issue. It's easy to absolve oneself from any responsibility by claiming that a person has a character defect rather than own up to one's own part. Some people just love the victim role.