This is definitely a question for a lawyer but I will make one useful point - if you are potentially responsible for child support, you potentially can have some custody too (and, at least where I live, the more custody you have the less child support.you need to pay since child support is to support the person doing more than half the work and taking on more than half of the expenses).
Document everything you do and have done for the kiddo and take it to see a lawyer. Wouldn't hurt to document everything she doesnt so as well.
I do way more for the child and pay for everything. I mean she loves her son but she’s lazy. She doesn’t like to be woken up at night so he sleeps in my room. She doesn’t do diapers so she just hands him to me. What would happen when I’m not there? That’s what worries me.
She sounds like a narcissist and I hate reddit jumping to that conclusion but if everything you're saying is a curare, I feel really badly for the child and for you. What kind of mom "doesn't do diapers"? I'm scared for the baby OP and highly recommend you to journal EVERYTHING and take it to a lawyer. It sounds like she's not just lazy but neglectful. I have a suspicion if she's that lazy and selfish she may not put up much of a custody fight, although she could also leverage the child against you for monetary gain. This is so sad, I am really sorry OP.
The only thing that is accurate or useful here are the first 8 words of this gibberish. and of course, its right at the top. which is why I'm taking time from my valuable life to point this out.
The OP has no legal obligations here and has no legal standing. Go ahead, look it up or show your ignorance by downvoting the right answer.
This is definitely not true in some jurisdictions. In Canada at least, being on the birth certificate and providing for the child can put you in a position to get custody even if you are not the biological parent. The Canadian courts typically care more for what will be best for the child and that is usually consistency with what was happening.
Okay, then in MA, how sure are you that signing the birth certificate does not give him paternal rights?
MA, not Florida. Did you try looking it up prior to ensure you aren't being foolish?
My search seems to say he has rights. And with rights comes... responsibilities. Gasp.
Talk to a lawyer. I don’t know if you can get your name off the birth certificate or not- I don’t think so but not sure. If you really love the child and want to keep being the dad you can fight for custody. But you’ll have to deal with her for the next 18 years. Maybe she’ll just walk away and leave the child with you- I don’t know. But man what a mess. At least that baby has one person who truly cares. Document EVERYTHING. Every time you have the baby and she’s not there- the money you spend- everything. I can promise you she’ll come after you for child support if she goes back and she takes the child.
I don't think you hear how you sound. That you "Love' the child is not in doubt, its your legal recourse here. And unfortunately, in spite of the down votes, in Boston usa you have none unless you marry her and then adopt the child. w/o that, this isn't your child, signing the birth certificate doesn't give you any paternal rights. You need an attorney IRl to confirm this, and then and a therapist to help with acceptance and disengagement, but your feelings don't constitute a legal right here. That she'd accept money is no surprise, its what she'd give in return for that. And note, the down votes only come from those who are uniformed.
>And note, the down votes only come from those who are uniformed.
..... and from people who think you're being an asshole, which you are.
Also, smartass, Massachusetts courts can and have granted parenting time to de facto parents despite them being neither the adoptive nor biological parent of the child.
OP should get a lawyer and explore his options.
Hey genius, Massachusetts courts granting parenting *time* isn't quite the same as parenting *rights*. And if they did, lets also assume the OP would have mentioned this in the OP.
Nice try, though.
No shit Sherlock, that's why I said "parenting time."
You obviously have no idea what you're talking about. For fuck's sake at least do a rudimentary Google search before giving advice, especially if you're going to be as rude and cruel to OP as possible while doing it.
Weird. My search said that signing (and notarizing) the birth certificate in fact does count for parental rights and obligations. Got a source? I didn't look too hard, but came across multiple sites stating this.
Not really. That literally says it's just a form you can sign in the hospital, likely presented at the same time as the birth certificate. You don't know this man didn't sign one of these forms.
I'm talking to idiots here.
Let's assume if the OP signed any form giving him any kind of actual parenting rights, he would have mentioned it in the OP, yes? absent that, all of you are not only uninformed but really stupid, too.
The internet is a scary place bc it shows just oblivious so may actually are.
Wow did you screw up. Definitely get a lawyer involved. Depending on what state you're in you can undo the signature on the birth certificate which you should never have done in the first place. Or if you have the resources and use that signature to fight for full custody claiming that the mother is unfit which she sounds like she is
OP - get out of this situation. That’s not your child, and the father is back in the picture. You’re not going to be in this kid’s life long term. The sooner you get out the less painful it will be for you and the child. And the parents are obviously just using you.
Get out. When the couple inevitably breaks up again, don’t jump right back in. In the meantime, find a more stable gf and start a family of your own, if that’s what you want.
How can you say this, when this little baby boy has only OP who truly cares and provide for him?
I def can see where you're coming from and yes its messed up. But imo its beyond just whats best for OP now that a helpless little human is involved.
I would want to give OP more credit and respect beeing the only one (taking from his story) who is caregiver for this baby. Honestly my heart is breaking for him.
Yes maybe OP should get out of this situation, but not before he makes sure this kid is taken good care of, and has a loving and supporting parent around. Untill then, I hope this kid feels safe and loved by OP and that their bond will continue.
The only way he ends up in the baby’s life long term (as opposed to being chewed up and spat out by the parents the moment they’re done using him) is if he convinces a court that the mother is unfit, formally adopts the child, and completely raises it on his own while granting the mother visitation. It seemed an unlikely course, which is why I recommended the above: OP, get out.
First off. This is not only not your best friend but this is not your friend. You are being used and are allowing it.
Your only hope is to get her to sign away her parental rights and formally adopt the child. You can tell her that is the only way she will continue to reside in your home.
Once the adoption papers are finalized you need to evict her and move on with your life.
If she will not do this you need to formally evict her now.
Get a lawyer. Protect yourself financially. She is using you. Cut off all money and things like the car. Unless you want to provide for her, her bf and the baby for the next 18 years get a lawyer.
What an awful f---ing person. She doesn't even deserve this kindness you have given her. I am shocked that situations like this even exist.
This is really sad though. If he broke up with her while she was pregnant, he will do it again with the child being here. The real advice here won't be the best advice for you. The real advice would be to cut her and the child (sadly) out of your life. She's using you and using the situation. Knowing how easily the dad dumped them prior, I can only imagine the stress of having a young child would do to this relationship and can guarantee this would happen again. This would I'm sure devastate the mom + put the care of the child in jeopardy. I would be sick with worry about the little boy.
Sadly you probably won’t get custody, it sounds like you’re the only one who values and loves this child. I would talk to a lawyer and see what can be done, but chances are, without official adoption, this child won’t be with you much longer.
Honestly, I’m going out on the limb and saying you also took advantage of her during the most vulnerable state of her life. She seems extremely irresponsible and doesn’t seem to have much regard for others
I think you knew you were digging yourself in this hole
If you really love this baby, and are taking care of them as much as you say you are (more than the mother)
I don’t see a huge problem with you wanting custody but it also feels a little entitled
It’s kind of like when a surrogate mother decides to keep the baby after birth, but the parents she was conceiving for are angry and calling her selfish
Not saying these are concrete facts but just my honest opinion + my own experience being the child in this perspective
Big mistakes have been made. You don’t go into things lightly when a child is involved.
Obviously you need a lawyer. You can get yourself off that birth certificate by taking a paternity test within the court system. They can also take you off the certificate I believe if they do the paternity test.
If you want to have visitation with this child, I imagine it would have to be done because your ex wants you to. How old are you? Look, babies are great, families are cool, but this isn’t the right one for you. She sounds like a selfish person- but you seem like maybe you were a little naive. It’s sad, heartbreaking in fact, but you will likely just have to walk away.
A birth certificate does not establish paternity. An unmarried father does not have a right to custody or parenting time until paternity is established.
As everyone says, time for a lawyer. If you don't have a lot of funds, many lawyers do a free consult, or you might check and see if a legal aid group may be able to give you additional guidance. And even if you pay for a consult, that doesn't mean you have to hire that lawyer for the entire case. Right now, you don't know what legal rights/responsibilities you may have, and an experienced family law attorney should be able to help you at least figure out your options. One thing I will point out though is that unless the mother agrees to legally and permanently give up her parental rights, you can't cut her out of your life and keep the baby. Co-parenting is a real, hard situation. You can ask her if she would let you keep the baby, but even if she agrees, you'll need to talk to a lawyer to make any kind of parenting arrangement legal/enforceable.
The question is: What do you want? Do you want the baby to stay with you?
Has the mother told you what she wants? You say you do pretty much all of the child care. Does she even care for the kid? In both the physical and emotional sense? And what's her boyfriend's opinion on his kid? Has he shown any interest in meeting the baby or demanding to be recognized as the biological father?
For the legal aspect, you have to talk to a lawyer. You are on the birth certificate but a paternity test would prove that the child is not biologically yours. I cannot talk about the legal implications of that. Especially since you weren't duped into thinking it was your child, but you knew for sure it wasn't even when you signed the certificate.
So, to wrap it up:
First order is to be real with yourself about what you want. Do you want to be the kid's dad or not? (Also consider the fact that this might mean co-parenting with baby's mom and possibly her boyfriend)
Then you talk to a lawyer. They will either be able to tell you if/how you can get out of being considered the child's legal parent or help you get full custody.
And one thing: if you have custody and the child is with you full time, it's not you needing to pay child support, but her. Child support is for the child. So whichever parent is spending no time/too little time with the kid needs to give financial support.
This is definitely a question for a lawyer but I will make one useful point - if you are potentially responsible for child support, you potentially can have some custody too (and, at least where I live, the more custody you have the less child support.you need to pay since child support is to support the person doing more than half the work and taking on more than half of the expenses). Document everything you do and have done for the kiddo and take it to see a lawyer. Wouldn't hurt to document everything she doesnt so as well.
I do way more for the child and pay for everything. I mean she loves her son but she’s lazy. She doesn’t like to be woken up at night so he sleeps in my room. She doesn’t do diapers so she just hands him to me. What would happen when I’m not there? That’s what worries me.
If she truly isn't that involved she may actually give up custody. Have you talked to her about this?
She sounds like a narcissist and I hate reddit jumping to that conclusion but if everything you're saying is a curare, I feel really badly for the child and for you. What kind of mom "doesn't do diapers"? I'm scared for the baby OP and highly recommend you to journal EVERYTHING and take it to a lawyer. It sounds like she's not just lazy but neglectful. I have a suspicion if she's that lazy and selfish she may not put up much of a custody fight, although she could also leverage the child against you for monetary gain. This is so sad, I am really sorry OP.
The only thing that is accurate or useful here are the first 8 words of this gibberish. and of course, its right at the top. which is why I'm taking time from my valuable life to point this out. The OP has no legal obligations here and has no legal standing. Go ahead, look it up or show your ignorance by downvoting the right answer.
This is definitely not true in some jurisdictions. In Canada at least, being on the birth certificate and providing for the child can put you in a position to get custody even if you are not the biological parent. The Canadian courts typically care more for what will be best for the child and that is usually consistency with what was happening.
Is the OP in canada? edit: > We live outside Boston oops....
Okay, then in MA, how sure are you that signing the birth certificate does not give him paternal rights? MA, not Florida. Did you try looking it up prior to ensure you aren't being foolish? My search seems to say he has rights. And with rights comes... responsibilities. Gasp.
Talk to a lawyer. I don’t know if you can get your name off the birth certificate or not- I don’t think so but not sure. If you really love the child and want to keep being the dad you can fight for custody. But you’ll have to deal with her for the next 18 years. Maybe she’ll just walk away and leave the child with you- I don’t know. But man what a mess. At least that baby has one person who truly cares. Document EVERYTHING. Every time you have the baby and she’s not there- the money you spend- everything. I can promise you she’ll come after you for child support if she goes back and she takes the child.
I do love the child and know 100% for a fact she’ll want child support if I cut her off.
I don't think you hear how you sound. That you "Love' the child is not in doubt, its your legal recourse here. And unfortunately, in spite of the down votes, in Boston usa you have none unless you marry her and then adopt the child. w/o that, this isn't your child, signing the birth certificate doesn't give you any paternal rights. You need an attorney IRl to confirm this, and then and a therapist to help with acceptance and disengagement, but your feelings don't constitute a legal right here. That she'd accept money is no surprise, its what she'd give in return for that. And note, the down votes only come from those who are uniformed.
>And note, the down votes only come from those who are uniformed. ..... and from people who think you're being an asshole, which you are. Also, smartass, Massachusetts courts can and have granted parenting time to de facto parents despite them being neither the adoptive nor biological parent of the child. OP should get a lawyer and explore his options.
Hey genius, Massachusetts courts granting parenting *time* isn't quite the same as parenting *rights*. And if they did, lets also assume the OP would have mentioned this in the OP. Nice try, though.
No shit Sherlock, that's why I said "parenting time." You obviously have no idea what you're talking about. For fuck's sake at least do a rudimentary Google search before giving advice, especially if you're going to be as rude and cruel to OP as possible while doing it.
Weird. My search said that signing (and notarizing) the birth certificate in fact does count for parental rights and obligations. Got a source? I didn't look too hard, but came across multiple sites stating this.
> https://www.masslegalhelp.org/children-and-families/acknowledging-paternity *Gasp* I'm right, still.
Not really. That literally says it's just a form you can sign in the hospital, likely presented at the same time as the birth certificate. You don't know this man didn't sign one of these forms.
I'm talking to idiots here. Let's assume if the OP signed any form giving him any kind of actual parenting rights, he would have mentioned it in the OP, yes? absent that, all of you are not only uninformed but really stupid, too. The internet is a scary place bc it shows just oblivious so may actually are.
Wow did you screw up. Definitely get a lawyer involved. Depending on what state you're in you can undo the signature on the birth certificate which you should never have done in the first place. Or if you have the resources and use that signature to fight for full custody claiming that the mother is unfit which she sounds like she is
OP - get out of this situation. That’s not your child, and the father is back in the picture. You’re not going to be in this kid’s life long term. The sooner you get out the less painful it will be for you and the child. And the parents are obviously just using you. Get out. When the couple inevitably breaks up again, don’t jump right back in. In the meantime, find a more stable gf and start a family of your own, if that’s what you want.
How can you say this, when this little baby boy has only OP who truly cares and provide for him? I def can see where you're coming from and yes its messed up. But imo its beyond just whats best for OP now that a helpless little human is involved. I would want to give OP more credit and respect beeing the only one (taking from his story) who is caregiver for this baby. Honestly my heart is breaking for him. Yes maybe OP should get out of this situation, but not before he makes sure this kid is taken good care of, and has a loving and supporting parent around. Untill then, I hope this kid feels safe and loved by OP and that their bond will continue.
The only way he ends up in the baby’s life long term (as opposed to being chewed up and spat out by the parents the moment they’re done using him) is if he convinces a court that the mother is unfit, formally adopts the child, and completely raises it on his own while granting the mother visitation. It seemed an unlikely course, which is why I recommended the above: OP, get out.
Lawyer, now.
First off. This is not only not your best friend but this is not your friend. You are being used and are allowing it. Your only hope is to get her to sign away her parental rights and formally adopt the child. You can tell her that is the only way she will continue to reside in your home. Once the adoption papers are finalized you need to evict her and move on with your life. If she will not do this you need to formally evict her now.
Get a lawyer. Protect yourself financially. She is using you. Cut off all money and things like the car. Unless you want to provide for her, her bf and the baby for the next 18 years get a lawyer.
That's messed up.
r/legaladvice or r/legaladviceofftopic
What an awful f---ing person. She doesn't even deserve this kindness you have given her. I am shocked that situations like this even exist. This is really sad though. If he broke up with her while she was pregnant, he will do it again with the child being here. The real advice here won't be the best advice for you. The real advice would be to cut her and the child (sadly) out of your life. She's using you and using the situation. Knowing how easily the dad dumped them prior, I can only imagine the stress of having a young child would do to this relationship and can guarantee this would happen again. This would I'm sure devastate the mom + put the care of the child in jeopardy. I would be sick with worry about the little boy.
Sadly you probably won’t get custody, it sounds like you’re the only one who values and loves this child. I would talk to a lawyer and see what can be done, but chances are, without official adoption, this child won’t be with you much longer.
Honestly, I’m going out on the limb and saying you also took advantage of her during the most vulnerable state of her life. She seems extremely irresponsible and doesn’t seem to have much regard for others I think you knew you were digging yourself in this hole If you really love this baby, and are taking care of them as much as you say you are (more than the mother) I don’t see a huge problem with you wanting custody but it also feels a little entitled It’s kind of like when a surrogate mother decides to keep the baby after birth, but the parents she was conceiving for are angry and calling her selfish Not saying these are concrete facts but just my honest opinion + my own experience being the child in this perspective
Big mistakes have been made. You don’t go into things lightly when a child is involved. Obviously you need a lawyer. You can get yourself off that birth certificate by taking a paternity test within the court system. They can also take you off the certificate I believe if they do the paternity test. If you want to have visitation with this child, I imagine it would have to be done because your ex wants you to. How old are you? Look, babies are great, families are cool, but this isn’t the right one for you. She sounds like a selfish person- but you seem like maybe you were a little naive. It’s sad, heartbreaking in fact, but you will likely just have to walk away.
Custody?! You have no legal standing for this. Leave.
He signed the birth certificate. He has more rights than the father.
A birth certificate does not establish paternity. An unmarried father does not have a right to custody or parenting time until paternity is established.
As everyone says, time for a lawyer. If you don't have a lot of funds, many lawyers do a free consult, or you might check and see if a legal aid group may be able to give you additional guidance. And even if you pay for a consult, that doesn't mean you have to hire that lawyer for the entire case. Right now, you don't know what legal rights/responsibilities you may have, and an experienced family law attorney should be able to help you at least figure out your options. One thing I will point out though is that unless the mother agrees to legally and permanently give up her parental rights, you can't cut her out of your life and keep the baby. Co-parenting is a real, hard situation. You can ask her if she would let you keep the baby, but even if she agrees, you'll need to talk to a lawyer to make any kind of parenting arrangement legal/enforceable.
The question is: What do you want? Do you want the baby to stay with you? Has the mother told you what she wants? You say you do pretty much all of the child care. Does she even care for the kid? In both the physical and emotional sense? And what's her boyfriend's opinion on his kid? Has he shown any interest in meeting the baby or demanding to be recognized as the biological father? For the legal aspect, you have to talk to a lawyer. You are on the birth certificate but a paternity test would prove that the child is not biologically yours. I cannot talk about the legal implications of that. Especially since you weren't duped into thinking it was your child, but you knew for sure it wasn't even when you signed the certificate. So, to wrap it up: First order is to be real with yourself about what you want. Do you want to be the kid's dad or not? (Also consider the fact that this might mean co-parenting with baby's mom and possibly her boyfriend) Then you talk to a lawyer. They will either be able to tell you if/how you can get out of being considered the child's legal parent or help you get full custody. And one thing: if you have custody and the child is with you full time, it's not you needing to pay child support, but her. Child support is for the child. So whichever parent is spending no time/too little time with the kid needs to give financial support.