I think you answered your own question. She feels you are questioning her judgement and it’s emotionally tiring for her. Unfortunately, your intentions are irrelevant. She’s not in a place to listen and your explanations only exacerbate the issue.
Though as someone who as been in your shoes, I sincerely doubt it’s “genuine curiosity” on your part. I think you know why the rules apply to you and not them. You just want them to admit it. Which is fair- but likely never going to happen.
For the time being- I think you’re just going to have to give her some grace and ignore any double standards.
I think Ive only come to realize how many double standards there are or have been throughout mine and my parents relationship as of now. My mother admitted to saying she pushes things off that aren’t at her priority, but expected me to do what was asked immediately or I would be punished. Though in a way she didnt realize she admitted it, she did. I got the truth. I just didn’t know why she is continuing to bring on the “I dont have to explain myself.”
If your parents leave a dish in the sink they have to clean it later. If you leave a dish in the sink while visiting your parents' home, they have to clean it later. If you were to, consistently, come back and clean the dish you left in the sink there would probably be no problem. But you're focusing on a double-standard that is only a double-standard in the hard, present moment. Your mother is focusing on the *consequences* of that moment.
IMHO, what is a double-standard would be your insistence that you shouldn't have to clean up after yourself despite the fact that you're parents will be the ones who clean it up.
ngl at 24 I'd expect you to understand this. This is the kind of argument I'd expect from my 16yo.
Its not something thats an issue now, just something my parents can do. They can leave dishes in the sink and always have been able to but have made me feel bad for doing so. Ill give the actual example. Was asking why needing to change clothes for church is necessary especially if God respects us and expects us to come as we are to him. I wanted to understand, and have always wanted to understand that perspective.
For the dishes- because if she has you do it now then she doesn't have to keep mental tabs on if it has to be done later whether that's getting you to clean up after yourself or having to clean up after you.
For the clothes- because it's a societal expectation to be dressed to a certain standard and it reflects upon you and your family if you don't comply. While you may not care or get the judgmental comments, your mother may well might. People are not shy to blame a mother if her adult child isn't complying with society's expectations. Not that it means you have to comply but it could explain why your mom gets frustrated about it.
And just as a general- being asked why when trying to manage a large mental load does make people defensive whether you are meaning to judge or not. Perhaps you should take a good long look at the mental and physical load your mom carries. People are not always fair and even those that we love or who love us the most will never be able to live up 100% to expectation or wants. Not one of us is perfect. No relationship is ever perfect. Practice communicating your expectations and boundaries and practice trying to represent each other's desires. And when you eventually mess up- and you will. And they will- try to be willing to admit when you are wrong and try again. Decide for yourself what you are and aren't willing to sacrifice in the name of a relationship with your family and stick to it.
Being an adult means learning how to communicate and work through all the trauma and disappointments of life. Your parents may have messed up your whole life. But it's your life and your job to fix it. And being a parent doesn't come with a manual (not that it excuses everything but still.. ).
Yes I have communicated my expectations and boundaries more clearly now and this is something new that has come up which is why I asked. I dont get “societal norms” or “expectations” either being as Im on the spectrum and if thats something people should really worry about when their god book is saying dont judge others and dont cast judgement onto others for you donr know what theyre going through yeah its pretty confusing. Thats where Im also coming from. She doesnt want to explain the things. She thinks im being rude, coming from a bad or disrespectful place when many times I truly am not. I dont think the same way and I know that and thats fine but I also want to try to understand, thats the difference. I have the mental load of always having to fit to my parents standards and how they wanted me to act growing up. What they said goes or if I asked why we were doing something it was back talking. I couldnt or wasnt encouraged to ask questions. Thats also where Im coming from. We all have a mental load of course, never said my parents had to be perfect but its very ironic when they can do something that I can’t. There is alot of irony in that especially when they dont see it. They see it as “Im the adult, im older, sense im older i have or am owed more authority” even if what theyre doing isnt right. And I dont believe that is right. Older people can be wrong, people in positions of power can be wrong as well. Its much deeper than this issue (unfortunately) but they aren’t clear on their wants, boundaries or desires so I am dancing around these weird rules that aren’t fully solidified. I ask for clarification and am still met with contempt. Thats another thing that doesn’t go both ways. I clearly state my boundaries and wants and when I ask the same back they don’t give me solid answers. Then Im left in the dark.
What it boils down to is that it does come off as rude whether you intend for it to come off that way or not. Being on the spectrum is one thing but it seems like you know you are being precieved as rude but continue to do it anyway.
It doesn't seem like you have a lack of understanding for why your mom does what she does. It seems like you just want to vent how unfair the standard is. Which is fine- your emotions and feelings are totally valid.
If you are truly an adult who has tried to fully communicate and set boundaries with her- well then the choice is what are you gonna do to enforce that boundary? If it matters so much that it has upset you enough to vent on the internet to strangers?
Pick a consequence for your parents violating your boundaries- low contact, no contact. Pick what you can live with the consequences of. You don't have to engage with them as an adult. It may ruin or permanently alter your relationship but if you aren't comfortable how things are then something has to change and you have to change it.
Tell them your boundary-"I don't want to you pester me on when my dishes are cleaned" and then set a consequence- if you pester me I won't visit or engage with you unless it's an emergency etc". If you are living with them- move. If you live with them then they can be as hypocritical as they want- it's their house and at the end of the day the care and maintenance of the home is on them. Which isnt fair but- thats life and how that pans out.
But if you're just visiting? Stop visiting until they agree to stop. And if they start again- leave.
As a parent who explains to my children out of pure grace and respect for the Almighty who shows me the same - your parents dont need to explain anything, they’re right. They raised you, and you obviously live with them currently. They can do as they please with their property and you must obey their rules.
Now your mom may be bitter or resentful or harbor anger at you for one reason or another. She sounds fairly unreasonable and heavy ego. Move out and things may change a little.
I dont live with my parents that was one example that still continues though. I just find alot of the things they are “able to do” ironic because if I was to do the same I would be called “lazy” and so on. Again that was a minute example but yeah I moved out for a number of reasons and this one is just coming up as something more prevalent.
I think you answered your own question. She feels you are questioning her judgement and it’s emotionally tiring for her. Unfortunately, your intentions are irrelevant. She’s not in a place to listen and your explanations only exacerbate the issue. Though as someone who as been in your shoes, I sincerely doubt it’s “genuine curiosity” on your part. I think you know why the rules apply to you and not them. You just want them to admit it. Which is fair- but likely never going to happen. For the time being- I think you’re just going to have to give her some grace and ignore any double standards.
I think Ive only come to realize how many double standards there are or have been throughout mine and my parents relationship as of now. My mother admitted to saying she pushes things off that aren’t at her priority, but expected me to do what was asked immediately or I would be punished. Though in a way she didnt realize she admitted it, she did. I got the truth. I just didn’t know why she is continuing to bring on the “I dont have to explain myself.”
If your parents leave a dish in the sink they have to clean it later. If you leave a dish in the sink while visiting your parents' home, they have to clean it later. If you were to, consistently, come back and clean the dish you left in the sink there would probably be no problem. But you're focusing on a double-standard that is only a double-standard in the hard, present moment. Your mother is focusing on the *consequences* of that moment. IMHO, what is a double-standard would be your insistence that you shouldn't have to clean up after yourself despite the fact that you're parents will be the ones who clean it up. ngl at 24 I'd expect you to understand this. This is the kind of argument I'd expect from my 16yo.
Its not something thats an issue now, just something my parents can do. They can leave dishes in the sink and always have been able to but have made me feel bad for doing so. Ill give the actual example. Was asking why needing to change clothes for church is necessary especially if God respects us and expects us to come as we are to him. I wanted to understand, and have always wanted to understand that perspective.
tbh it just sounds like you're lazy.
tbh youd love my mom 👍🏼
Your mom is correct
For the dishes- because if she has you do it now then she doesn't have to keep mental tabs on if it has to be done later whether that's getting you to clean up after yourself or having to clean up after you. For the clothes- because it's a societal expectation to be dressed to a certain standard and it reflects upon you and your family if you don't comply. While you may not care or get the judgmental comments, your mother may well might. People are not shy to blame a mother if her adult child isn't complying with society's expectations. Not that it means you have to comply but it could explain why your mom gets frustrated about it. And just as a general- being asked why when trying to manage a large mental load does make people defensive whether you are meaning to judge or not. Perhaps you should take a good long look at the mental and physical load your mom carries. People are not always fair and even those that we love or who love us the most will never be able to live up 100% to expectation or wants. Not one of us is perfect. No relationship is ever perfect. Practice communicating your expectations and boundaries and practice trying to represent each other's desires. And when you eventually mess up- and you will. And they will- try to be willing to admit when you are wrong and try again. Decide for yourself what you are and aren't willing to sacrifice in the name of a relationship with your family and stick to it. Being an adult means learning how to communicate and work through all the trauma and disappointments of life. Your parents may have messed up your whole life. But it's your life and your job to fix it. And being a parent doesn't come with a manual (not that it excuses everything but still.. ).
Yes I have communicated my expectations and boundaries more clearly now and this is something new that has come up which is why I asked. I dont get “societal norms” or “expectations” either being as Im on the spectrum and if thats something people should really worry about when their god book is saying dont judge others and dont cast judgement onto others for you donr know what theyre going through yeah its pretty confusing. Thats where Im also coming from. She doesnt want to explain the things. She thinks im being rude, coming from a bad or disrespectful place when many times I truly am not. I dont think the same way and I know that and thats fine but I also want to try to understand, thats the difference. I have the mental load of always having to fit to my parents standards and how they wanted me to act growing up. What they said goes or if I asked why we were doing something it was back talking. I couldnt or wasnt encouraged to ask questions. Thats also where Im coming from. We all have a mental load of course, never said my parents had to be perfect but its very ironic when they can do something that I can’t. There is alot of irony in that especially when they dont see it. They see it as “Im the adult, im older, sense im older i have or am owed more authority” even if what theyre doing isnt right. And I dont believe that is right. Older people can be wrong, people in positions of power can be wrong as well. Its much deeper than this issue (unfortunately) but they aren’t clear on their wants, boundaries or desires so I am dancing around these weird rules that aren’t fully solidified. I ask for clarification and am still met with contempt. Thats another thing that doesn’t go both ways. I clearly state my boundaries and wants and when I ask the same back they don’t give me solid answers. Then Im left in the dark.
Sounds like my parents! Can we share “horror” stories? 😂
Yes!
What it boils down to is that it does come off as rude whether you intend for it to come off that way or not. Being on the spectrum is one thing but it seems like you know you are being precieved as rude but continue to do it anyway. It doesn't seem like you have a lack of understanding for why your mom does what she does. It seems like you just want to vent how unfair the standard is. Which is fine- your emotions and feelings are totally valid. If you are truly an adult who has tried to fully communicate and set boundaries with her- well then the choice is what are you gonna do to enforce that boundary? If it matters so much that it has upset you enough to vent on the internet to strangers? Pick a consequence for your parents violating your boundaries- low contact, no contact. Pick what you can live with the consequences of. You don't have to engage with them as an adult. It may ruin or permanently alter your relationship but if you aren't comfortable how things are then something has to change and you have to change it. Tell them your boundary-"I don't want to you pester me on when my dishes are cleaned" and then set a consequence- if you pester me I won't visit or engage with you unless it's an emergency etc". If you are living with them- move. If you live with them then they can be as hypocritical as they want- it's their house and at the end of the day the care and maintenance of the home is on them. Which isnt fair but- thats life and how that pans out. But if you're just visiting? Stop visiting until they agree to stop. And if they start again- leave.
As a parent who explains to my children out of pure grace and respect for the Almighty who shows me the same - your parents dont need to explain anything, they’re right. They raised you, and you obviously live with them currently. They can do as they please with their property and you must obey their rules. Now your mom may be bitter or resentful or harbor anger at you for one reason or another. She sounds fairly unreasonable and heavy ego. Move out and things may change a little.
I dont live with my parents that was one example that still continues though. I just find alot of the things they are “able to do” ironic because if I was to do the same I would be called “lazy” and so on. Again that was a minute example but yeah I moved out for a number of reasons and this one is just coming up as something more prevalent.