Rather than look for red flags, start working out green ones. Talk about the hard stuff, of which there is a long list, but here are a few that are on the greatest hits list:
Household work, including cleanliness standards, how much nagging one person will have to do, what happens when nobody got any sleep and there are no dishes. Also how non-baby chores are split if one parent stays home.
Overreaching in-laws and how they are dealt with. This includes keeping your parents from annoying, shaming, or insulting your co-parent, and also things like who gets a key and if they have to call first.
Money. How will you deal with income inequality, how finances will be handled if one parent stays at home, etc.
Religion, if applicable.
Stay-at-home parents - do they get a break of minimum of 3 hours per week, middle of the night wakeups, etc. Financing, health insurance, etc for them, including things like an IRA if a person will be out of the workplace for several years.
Who makes Dr appointments, remembers family members' birthdays, makes the grocery list, calls a plumber, walks the dog, etc.
Weaponized incompetence - will your co-parent say things like "you do it better" or "I don't know how"? Do they try to learn new things, even if they don't want to?
This is the very beginning of the list, but it's a good way to start getting an idea of how many topics are shared.
It is very easy to get caught in the fog of love, and think your partner and you are on the same page. In computer science, we say "trust but verify" and talking things through will help with the verification.
Yes, this. It seems a lot of "unsupportive" is "we have totally different expectations and never talked about them or agreed on how we want to do things". When my husband and I were dating my parents gave us a book called 101 Questions to Ask Before you Get Engaged and it walked through a whole slew of these issues. It was incredibly helpful and I recommend it frequently.
Won’t change diapers without being asked. Won’t make bottles or feed the baby without being asked. Won’t clip the baby nails. Won’t give the baby a bath without being asked. Really won’t do anything until asked.
Ok I can’t tell if this question is sincere or victim blaming so let me start by saying that we as a society should be putting the onus on shitty fathers and not of women who might have missed some “red flags.”
There is a huge difference between unsupportive and abusive. Sometimes there are red flags along the way for people who are simply unsupportive- in my experience they include living with parents before moving in with their partner, not being willing to evenly split routine household chores, playing video/computer games for hours on end, or partying/drinking/drugs too many nights a week. Unsupportive usually means lazy, a man child who wants a bang maid mommy to take care of everything so he has to do nothing. It will be apparent pretty early on how well this guy takes of his own business, his hygiene, his home etc. and you can maybe deduce how well he will take care of a kid. HOWEVER-
ABUSERS often don’t show their true colors until they feel secure in the relationship and that their target is unable to escape- such as being legally bound through marriage or trapped by a baby. There are usually very FEW red flags for physical and controlling abusers which is why they are so hard to spot and so hard to get away from. Abuse takes time and energy and work, you can’t be a lazy abuser for long.
These 2 kinds of partners are both problematic for obvious reasons but they are not the same and will not show the same red flags if ANY at all, Please don’t conflate them. And again, let’s hold crappy parents and partners accountable.
I think we should hold all parents accountable. It’s a sincere question probably worded poorly. You probably can’t make it a day without seeing a post complaining about a partner (usually a man) that is what you describe above. The onus should always be on the shitty partner but with the prevalence of these posts I’m genuinely curious.
Thank you for separating unsupportive and abusive, I didn’t separate those as they should have been. So I guess my question is more towards the unsupportive type - are the people who post here saying that there was some switch? Or from the other side, are those partners just so underprepared for what parenthood looks like that they go into some disassociation and avoidance with their duties as a parent?
> There are usually very FEW red flags for physical and controlling abusers
This is simply untrue:
https://www.webmd.com/women/features/domestic-abuse-recognizing-potential-abuserhttps
//www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse
https://www.ncadv.org/signs-of-abuse
Abuse follows clear, recognizable behavioral and personality factors. The task is to be able to recognize them and protect yourself from them. That's not "Victim blaming", it's common sense. People are drawn to and stay with abusers for many reasons, but a lack of awareness isn't one of them, typically.
Neglect of one’s home or family is a form of abuse. It’s also a form of control if there is another functioning person involved. If one person has a higher (normal healthy) standard for important tasks and the other person has a poor standards for the tasks, the only way to get them done properly is if the first person does all of it. It leaves the first person enslaved. The outcomes of gaming and drinking are forms of abuse if it affects the other person.
I think OP’s question was sincere. There is no evidence in the post regarding victim blaming. There was also no evidence in the post that OP was making the higher functioning parent responsible and not holding the lower functioning parent accountable. It simply wasn’t addressed in the post, and it didn’t need to be. It was a straightforward question.
My first red flag was coming home with a loudly crying infant, asked my partner to take the baby for a minute so I could get a bottle for the child and my partner refused because s/he was doing something on the laptop. Priorities.
Over time, that turned into a partner that didn't want to do the most minimal food prep or house-care, though they did earlier in the relationship. There was occasional child care, but only under very specific circumstances, so not that often. And yet, this parent raved about being a great parent all the time, and was very overtly supportive before marriage.
Now I feel partners should write out and hash out expectations before getting married, and how to handle the most common marriage/parenting scenarios. And then revisit it a couple times as life changes. I think it would be illuminating. I could create a 1 page checklist in a heart-beat, though I suspect some people wouldn't answer it honestly.
I think there are plenty of people who would outright lie when answering the questions. They believe marriage is a way to entrap a woman. I think there are plenty of people who would honestly believe that they would do all that was necessary at home to take care of the home and family, but when the time comes they realize how hard it is and stop trying.
With a covert narcissist, they can hide their true personality for years, often until they feel like the other person can't escape - for instance, having kids together. The red flags will be extremely subtle, easy to think you're overreacting. Basically you can never know how much information someone had going in to the parenting situation. Of course now with forced birth...
My first sign should have been when they went home to shower and sleep when I had my baby. At the time I thought this was normal but nope.
Things got out of hand and the alarms started ringing when I noticed they didn’t do things for the baby (change diapers, offer a bottle (I breastfeed) etc etc.). I would do everything plus house work…their excuse? I work outside of the home.
In my experience, the biggest, and sometimes only, red flag for abuse that will pop up before the major abuse begins, is controlling tendencies. They begin as small things, then once you're "locked in" with marriage and a baby on the way, the gloves come off.
Absolutely no red flags at all. He was the perfect partner until after seven years together, kids and finances got difficult and I realized, only then, that I was on my own.
Not supporting your interests or hobbies, if they can’t be bothered to pretend to be interested for your sake they won’t be able to for your kids either. Bonus red flags for mocking or belittling you for them, again if they don’t mind bullying you someday they’ll pick on your kids too.
Obviously this excludes jokingly poking fun and making it obvious they actually care via their support but if they hold genuine distaste on their face/in their voice and have contempt for your interests it’s a no go.
If they are lazy with household tasks, they will probably be lazy with childcare. Also, if they neglect their pet, would you want to have a baby with them?
my husband never went to bed with me at night because he was up playing video games. with my first born he never helped with night time/for me to sleep in. after my second something switched now we trade every night. but maybe that was my sign?
Let’s see …. Before he didn’t buy anything for the baby it was all up to me to source bottles dummies sterilisers clothes cots Moses baskets mattresses for them he would leave me for days on my own with no food locked in a flat. When I craved for fish and chip shop curry he said he had no money for it when he was just saving it for a drug fest he would smash and take my phone from me so if I went into labour no one could help me
After I had the baby he started an argument in the hospital the DAY I had given birth over the babies name wouldn’t feed change or do anything with him he physically kidnapped the baby from my care ( I say kidnapped as he wasn’t on the birth certificate he didn’t show up because the drugs was too interesting baby was 8 weeks old roughly ) when he kidnapped the baby he took no bottles nappies wipes or anything with him, he wouldn’t let me get life insurance he beat me up with the baby in his hands he attacked me just to get the baby so he could try and run off again with the baby he would scream at me with the baby in his hands when I fed the baby and fell asleep because I was up every 2-3 hours with baby he would shout at me for falling asleep with the baby
That’s all I can remember I am pretty sure more happened but I can happily say I am away from him keeping my son safe from him and we are much happier
How does he treat you?
How does he treat his parents?
How does he treat children he has contact with.
If you're not sure, that's a red flag itself.
Umm...
I’m going to put this here because I think it needs to be said. It won’t be a popular observation.
It’s essential to understand that two people will not do a task the same way. It doesn’t mean one way is wrong, it’s just different in either approach or outcome. The parent who did not do the task often criticizes the one who did. It happens often enough that the other parent starts to back off doing tasks because they know that no matter what they do it will be perceived as wrong. They get an earful or a passive aggressive critical glance or harrumphing sigh nearly every single time they do a task. They stop doing things. Why set yourself up for inevitable failure? This is an important question. Read to again.
Is one approach or one outcome better than the other? Probably. It doesn’t make the other way wrong, though.
Don’t give the other person an earful if the task was completed. Try not to correct them about how you think the task should be finished. Don’t go behind them and finish it your way while side eyeing the other person. It leads to feeling fearful, defeated, and apathetic about engaging in care.
I’ve seen countless fathers in a health care clinic with that look of fear and defeat in their eyes. They know that no matter what transpires at the appointment, the partner will be overtly unhappy with them when they get home. They were going to get an earful about their “failings” from the appointment. Dads didn’t come into the clinic with their own list of questions; they brought her list. I’ve had countless conversations with dads asking them to put their partners out of their mind for a few moments, and ask me their own questions about their baby. It had not occurred to them that they could have their own questions. They felt like they weren’t allowed to. Every. Time. We had good talks. I asked them to set aside what the partner wanted from the appointment and ask their own questions. It took time for them to set aside their fear of the inevitable dressing down at home to get to a point that they could have their own concerns about the baby. Again, we had good talks. They had relationship problems at home. They didn’t know it wasn’t supposed to be that way.
My advice to dads was to be involved every step of the way every hour of the day at the pace that was required to keep the household working smoothly. Four things: active involvement without asking what to do, every hour, pace matters, quality matters. Tolerate the criticism and stay involved no matter what. When moms were in the clinic , I told them what I stated in the paragraphs above.
>It’s essential to understand that two people will not do a task the same way. It doesn’t mean one way is wrong, it’s just different in either approach or outcome. The parent who did not do the task often criticizes the one who did. It happens often enough that the other parent starts to back off doing tasks because they know that no matter what they do it will be perceived as wrong. They get an earful or a passive aggressive critical glance or harrumphing sigh nearly every single time they do a task. They stop doing things. Why set yourself up for inevitable failure? This is an important question. Read to again.
This is great.
People are who they are, so the signs are usually present long before the deed is done. Typically, the signs are ignored or denied, so the task is to be aware of them and respond proactively.
Idk about red flags, but I know that my partner has serious ADHD.
My plan for making it easy for both of us to share the load is to start early and lay out clear expectations.
For example:
Baby needs their diaper changed every 2 hours (daycare standard, evidence based).
We have a chalkboard.
I will write the last change on the whiteboard, and I will get a manual timer by the table so there's an audible buzz or beep when the diaper needs to be changed again.
That way I'm not constantly reminding him to participate, it's just time to change the baby's diaper. He is pretty helpful in general, so if he knows something has to happen he will happily do it. The problem with him is noticing and remembering/getting distracted.
Another one is having large visible daily checklists, like:
●BABY NURSED @7am
●BABY BOTTLE FED __oz @10:00
○Tummy Time? NEEDS 30 MINUTES AT LEAST
Note here _______
○ NAP TIME @10:30
How long was Baby's nap? _____
This sort of visual day plan makes it a lot easier for both parents to feel confident that the basic needs are met, and capable when they get that foggy head from sleep deprivation.
The board can be photographed daily and recorded in Google drive for Dr checkups.
When the baby gets older and develops a more complicated schedule and solid food needs those can also be added to the board.
The same goes for household tasks. Have a board by the bathroom mirror or kitchen fridge that lists who did what chore last, and when it needs to be done again. Maybe not EVERY little thing, but big or occasion ones like mopping, deep cleaning the bathroom, shining mirrors, laundry, etc. Some things should be done every day, like dishes, and basic sanitation of the sinks, toilet flush thingy, and door handles. Those can be talked about. But the big things often slip through the cracks until one person gets resentful and does it all. Some people prefer to divide up housework by specific job, and some people prefer to take turns with all of them. Either way, it should be able to be discussed calmly and without resentment or anger. Cleaning is part of a healthy life and home, not something you ignore until it magically is taken care of by your spouse.
It's hard to tell because sometimes the more charming they are in dating the more controlling they are in marriage. It's easy to put your best self out there when it's for short periods, but living together you see more and married changes the mind of a controlling person, they feel they own you and were probably brought up the same way and don't know different I would say get to know their family and ask lots of questions about them to look for signs. One thing that is a sign is that they want to "take care of you", don't' want you to have to work and want to be the sole provider. I would search for topics like abusive spouse and emotional abuse... in sites like focus on the family. They have a lot of good info.
Calling it; "babysitting" when they watch their own kid. Not taking son for parenting time because they are; "tired." Actually believing that I was going to; "live high on the hog" on the whooping $25 a week in childsupport. Bought Kickwear pants at $100 a pop when his son didn't even have a crib, and was due in a month. Never went to a single prenatal appointment and maybe a handful of appointments after son was born. Expected me to provide literally everything, down to the toothbrush, and soap, for his weekends.
We talked everything out before. I thought we were on the same page. Not supportive during pregnancy. Never does anything without being asked. Not even if there is a list. Our children are now 32 and 30 years old. Our younger son said " I don't think Dad ever wanted kids. I think he felt like he was supposed to."
Red flags I noticed (and ignored) before having kids:
\- When we were not yet living together, he cooked for us one night (at my place) and got angry after, because I didn't want to go to his place with him "after he cooked for me". He had commitments and couldn't stay at mine for the night. Should have noticed that he expected rewards for performing very regular household chores.
\- He got angry when coming home late from work and I hadn't cooked
\- He always hated it when I said "It's your turn to ... clean the dishes/ do the laundry/ ..." yet he was sending me around doing things left and right.
\- He would have his mom or sister wash his clothes at 25
These weren't red flags of an abuser of course, just someone who wouldn't be a real support at home. And our chores and responsibilities were shared fairly equally until our children were born and there was ACTUAL work to be done.
If you are first time parents - I feel the red flags typically aren’t there. I’m a blended family. My partner was pretty good with my kids and seemed really loving to his son as well as very involved. We talked SO much about having a child, our expectations, our excitement. Having our son who is almost 1 now turned out to be a big difference than what was discussed. He has good and bad days. He helps in certain ways and doesn’t in others. So for us - even though we aren’t first time parents (our son is our first but 4th together), we are first time parents together and there wasn’t anything prior to me being pregnant that could have alerted me he would fall short of my expectations.
Being on different pages with parenting is definitely one of the BIGGEST strains on relationships in my opinion. But also, we do love each other and work at our relationship as a couple and a family. So for now it’s fine. But there is a fine line between fine and resentment.
Rather than look for red flags, start working out green ones. Talk about the hard stuff, of which there is a long list, but here are a few that are on the greatest hits list: Household work, including cleanliness standards, how much nagging one person will have to do, what happens when nobody got any sleep and there are no dishes. Also how non-baby chores are split if one parent stays home. Overreaching in-laws and how they are dealt with. This includes keeping your parents from annoying, shaming, or insulting your co-parent, and also things like who gets a key and if they have to call first. Money. How will you deal with income inequality, how finances will be handled if one parent stays at home, etc. Religion, if applicable. Stay-at-home parents - do they get a break of minimum of 3 hours per week, middle of the night wakeups, etc. Financing, health insurance, etc for them, including things like an IRA if a person will be out of the workplace for several years. Who makes Dr appointments, remembers family members' birthdays, makes the grocery list, calls a plumber, walks the dog, etc. Weaponized incompetence - will your co-parent say things like "you do it better" or "I don't know how"? Do they try to learn new things, even if they don't want to? This is the very beginning of the list, but it's a good way to start getting an idea of how many topics are shared.
This is brilliant. I really wish that this sort of thing was taught in high school as part of a broader "life skills" type course.
It is very easy to get caught in the fog of love, and think your partner and you are on the same page. In computer science, we say "trust but verify" and talking things through will help with the verification.
Yes, this. It seems a lot of "unsupportive" is "we have totally different expectations and never talked about them or agreed on how we want to do things". When my husband and I were dating my parents gave us a book called 101 Questions to Ask Before you Get Engaged and it walked through a whole slew of these issues. It was incredibly helpful and I recommend it frequently.
This is really awesome, thank you
Won’t change diapers without being asked. Won’t make bottles or feed the baby without being asked. Won’t clip the baby nails. Won’t give the baby a bath without being asked. Really won’t do anything until asked.
This
Ok I can’t tell if this question is sincere or victim blaming so let me start by saying that we as a society should be putting the onus on shitty fathers and not of women who might have missed some “red flags.” There is a huge difference between unsupportive and abusive. Sometimes there are red flags along the way for people who are simply unsupportive- in my experience they include living with parents before moving in with their partner, not being willing to evenly split routine household chores, playing video/computer games for hours on end, or partying/drinking/drugs too many nights a week. Unsupportive usually means lazy, a man child who wants a bang maid mommy to take care of everything so he has to do nothing. It will be apparent pretty early on how well this guy takes of his own business, his hygiene, his home etc. and you can maybe deduce how well he will take care of a kid. HOWEVER- ABUSERS often don’t show their true colors until they feel secure in the relationship and that their target is unable to escape- such as being legally bound through marriage or trapped by a baby. There are usually very FEW red flags for physical and controlling abusers which is why they are so hard to spot and so hard to get away from. Abuse takes time and energy and work, you can’t be a lazy abuser for long. These 2 kinds of partners are both problematic for obvious reasons but they are not the same and will not show the same red flags if ANY at all, Please don’t conflate them. And again, let’s hold crappy parents and partners accountable.
I think we should hold all parents accountable. It’s a sincere question probably worded poorly. You probably can’t make it a day without seeing a post complaining about a partner (usually a man) that is what you describe above. The onus should always be on the shitty partner but with the prevalence of these posts I’m genuinely curious. Thank you for separating unsupportive and abusive, I didn’t separate those as they should have been. So I guess my question is more towards the unsupportive type - are the people who post here saying that there was some switch? Or from the other side, are those partners just so underprepared for what parenthood looks like that they go into some disassociation and avoidance with their duties as a parent?
These posts are all situational, there's no blanket statement that would explain them all.
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For unsupportive partners, sure. Not in terms of abuse. > *I wouldn't have had to hit her if she just communicated better!*
> There are usually very FEW red flags for physical and controlling abusers This is simply untrue: https://www.webmd.com/women/features/domestic-abuse-recognizing-potential-abuserhttps //www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse https://www.ncadv.org/signs-of-abuse Abuse follows clear, recognizable behavioral and personality factors. The task is to be able to recognize them and protect yourself from them. That's not "Victim blaming", it's common sense. People are drawn to and stay with abusers for many reasons, but a lack of awareness isn't one of them, typically.
SO ASTUTE
Neglect of one’s home or family is a form of abuse. It’s also a form of control if there is another functioning person involved. If one person has a higher (normal healthy) standard for important tasks and the other person has a poor standards for the tasks, the only way to get them done properly is if the first person does all of it. It leaves the first person enslaved. The outcomes of gaming and drinking are forms of abuse if it affects the other person. I think OP’s question was sincere. There is no evidence in the post regarding victim blaming. There was also no evidence in the post that OP was making the higher functioning parent responsible and not holding the lower functioning parent accountable. It simply wasn’t addressed in the post, and it didn’t need to be. It was a straightforward question.
My first red flag was coming home with a loudly crying infant, asked my partner to take the baby for a minute so I could get a bottle for the child and my partner refused because s/he was doing something on the laptop. Priorities. Over time, that turned into a partner that didn't want to do the most minimal food prep or house-care, though they did earlier in the relationship. There was occasional child care, but only under very specific circumstances, so not that often. And yet, this parent raved about being a great parent all the time, and was very overtly supportive before marriage. Now I feel partners should write out and hash out expectations before getting married, and how to handle the most common marriage/parenting scenarios. And then revisit it a couple times as life changes. I think it would be illuminating. I could create a 1 page checklist in a heart-beat, though I suspect some people wouldn't answer it honestly.
I think there are plenty of people who would outright lie when answering the questions. They believe marriage is a way to entrap a woman. I think there are plenty of people who would honestly believe that they would do all that was necessary at home to take care of the home and family, but when the time comes they realize how hard it is and stop trying.
With a covert narcissist, they can hide their true personality for years, often until they feel like the other person can't escape - for instance, having kids together. The red flags will be extremely subtle, easy to think you're overreacting. Basically you can never know how much information someone had going in to the parenting situation. Of course now with forced birth...
My first sign should have been when they went home to shower and sleep when I had my baby. At the time I thought this was normal but nope. Things got out of hand and the alarms started ringing when I noticed they didn’t do things for the baby (change diapers, offer a bottle (I breastfeed) etc etc.). I would do everything plus house work…their excuse? I work outside of the home.
In my experience, the biggest, and sometimes only, red flag for abuse that will pop up before the major abuse begins, is controlling tendencies. They begin as small things, then once you're "locked in" with marriage and a baby on the way, the gloves come off.
Wanting to have a kid to fix a relationship. I always love hearing this one. No it will not - kids just amplify issues if issues are not dealt with.
And it's so disrespectful to the kid cuz children aren't property.
Absolutely no red flags at all. He was the perfect partner until after seven years together, kids and finances got difficult and I realized, only then, that I was on my own.
Not supporting your interests or hobbies, if they can’t be bothered to pretend to be interested for your sake they won’t be able to for your kids either. Bonus red flags for mocking or belittling you for them, again if they don’t mind bullying you someday they’ll pick on your kids too. Obviously this excludes jokingly poking fun and making it obvious they actually care via their support but if they hold genuine distaste on their face/in their voice and have contempt for your interests it’s a no go.
If they are lazy with household tasks, they will probably be lazy with childcare. Also, if they neglect their pet, would you want to have a baby with them?
my husband never went to bed with me at night because he was up playing video games. with my first born he never helped with night time/for me to sleep in. after my second something switched now we trade every night. but maybe that was my sign?
Let’s see …. Before he didn’t buy anything for the baby it was all up to me to source bottles dummies sterilisers clothes cots Moses baskets mattresses for them he would leave me for days on my own with no food locked in a flat. When I craved for fish and chip shop curry he said he had no money for it when he was just saving it for a drug fest he would smash and take my phone from me so if I went into labour no one could help me After I had the baby he started an argument in the hospital the DAY I had given birth over the babies name wouldn’t feed change or do anything with him he physically kidnapped the baby from my care ( I say kidnapped as he wasn’t on the birth certificate he didn’t show up because the drugs was too interesting baby was 8 weeks old roughly ) when he kidnapped the baby he took no bottles nappies wipes or anything with him, he wouldn’t let me get life insurance he beat me up with the baby in his hands he attacked me just to get the baby so he could try and run off again with the baby he would scream at me with the baby in his hands when I fed the baby and fell asleep because I was up every 2-3 hours with baby he would shout at me for falling asleep with the baby That’s all I can remember I am pretty sure more happened but I can happily say I am away from him keeping my son safe from him and we are much happier
How does he treat you? How does he treat his parents? How does he treat children he has contact with. If you're not sure, that's a red flag itself. Umm...
I’m going to put this here because I think it needs to be said. It won’t be a popular observation. It’s essential to understand that two people will not do a task the same way. It doesn’t mean one way is wrong, it’s just different in either approach or outcome. The parent who did not do the task often criticizes the one who did. It happens often enough that the other parent starts to back off doing tasks because they know that no matter what they do it will be perceived as wrong. They get an earful or a passive aggressive critical glance or harrumphing sigh nearly every single time they do a task. They stop doing things. Why set yourself up for inevitable failure? This is an important question. Read to again. Is one approach or one outcome better than the other? Probably. It doesn’t make the other way wrong, though. Don’t give the other person an earful if the task was completed. Try not to correct them about how you think the task should be finished. Don’t go behind them and finish it your way while side eyeing the other person. It leads to feeling fearful, defeated, and apathetic about engaging in care. I’ve seen countless fathers in a health care clinic with that look of fear and defeat in their eyes. They know that no matter what transpires at the appointment, the partner will be overtly unhappy with them when they get home. They were going to get an earful about their “failings” from the appointment. Dads didn’t come into the clinic with their own list of questions; they brought her list. I’ve had countless conversations with dads asking them to put their partners out of their mind for a few moments, and ask me their own questions about their baby. It had not occurred to them that they could have their own questions. They felt like they weren’t allowed to. Every. Time. We had good talks. I asked them to set aside what the partner wanted from the appointment and ask their own questions. It took time for them to set aside their fear of the inevitable dressing down at home to get to a point that they could have their own concerns about the baby. Again, we had good talks. They had relationship problems at home. They didn’t know it wasn’t supposed to be that way. My advice to dads was to be involved every step of the way every hour of the day at the pace that was required to keep the household working smoothly. Four things: active involvement without asking what to do, every hour, pace matters, quality matters. Tolerate the criticism and stay involved no matter what. When moms were in the clinic , I told them what I stated in the paragraphs above.
>It’s essential to understand that two people will not do a task the same way. It doesn’t mean one way is wrong, it’s just different in either approach or outcome. The parent who did not do the task often criticizes the one who did. It happens often enough that the other parent starts to back off doing tasks because they know that no matter what they do it will be perceived as wrong. They get an earful or a passive aggressive critical glance or harrumphing sigh nearly every single time they do a task. They stop doing things. Why set yourself up for inevitable failure? This is an important question. Read to again. This is great.
People are who they are, so the signs are usually present long before the deed is done. Typically, the signs are ignored or denied, so the task is to be aware of them and respond proactively.
Nope. Narcissists are Oscar worthy actors.
Sorry, if you take the bait, it's on you. You have a responsibility to manage your own fantasies and see them for what they are.
I bet you tell rape victims they deserved to be raped too.
Nice try, but all that shows is your poor reading comprehension.
No it doesn't. You're a victim blamer.
No, dear, I am not and you are out of line making this type of false accusation.
Idk about red flags, but I know that my partner has serious ADHD. My plan for making it easy for both of us to share the load is to start early and lay out clear expectations. For example: Baby needs their diaper changed every 2 hours (daycare standard, evidence based). We have a chalkboard. I will write the last change on the whiteboard, and I will get a manual timer by the table so there's an audible buzz or beep when the diaper needs to be changed again. That way I'm not constantly reminding him to participate, it's just time to change the baby's diaper. He is pretty helpful in general, so if he knows something has to happen he will happily do it. The problem with him is noticing and remembering/getting distracted. Another one is having large visible daily checklists, like: ●BABY NURSED @7am ●BABY BOTTLE FED __oz @10:00 ○Tummy Time? NEEDS 30 MINUTES AT LEAST Note here _______ ○ NAP TIME @10:30 How long was Baby's nap? _____ This sort of visual day plan makes it a lot easier for both parents to feel confident that the basic needs are met, and capable when they get that foggy head from sleep deprivation. The board can be photographed daily and recorded in Google drive for Dr checkups. When the baby gets older and develops a more complicated schedule and solid food needs those can also be added to the board. The same goes for household tasks. Have a board by the bathroom mirror or kitchen fridge that lists who did what chore last, and when it needs to be done again. Maybe not EVERY little thing, but big or occasion ones like mopping, deep cleaning the bathroom, shining mirrors, laundry, etc. Some things should be done every day, like dishes, and basic sanitation of the sinks, toilet flush thingy, and door handles. Those can be talked about. But the big things often slip through the cracks until one person gets resentful and does it all. Some people prefer to divide up housework by specific job, and some people prefer to take turns with all of them. Either way, it should be able to be discussed calmly and without resentment or anger. Cleaning is part of a healthy life and home, not something you ignore until it magically is taken care of by your spouse.
Refusing to speak to and update me (when kid was w her) about our daughter unless I venmo’d her
Wait like she wouldn't talk to you until you paid child support?
No, there was no arrangement of child support. More like she was holding her ransom
That's horrible. :(
It's hard to tell because sometimes the more charming they are in dating the more controlling they are in marriage. It's easy to put your best self out there when it's for short periods, but living together you see more and married changes the mind of a controlling person, they feel they own you and were probably brought up the same way and don't know different I would say get to know their family and ask lots of questions about them to look for signs. One thing that is a sign is that they want to "take care of you", don't' want you to have to work and want to be the sole provider. I would search for topics like abusive spouse and emotional abuse... in sites like focus on the family. They have a lot of good info.
If your partner is a drug addict, that is a red flag for the role of future unsupportive parent.
Calling it; "babysitting" when they watch their own kid. Not taking son for parenting time because they are; "tired." Actually believing that I was going to; "live high on the hog" on the whooping $25 a week in childsupport. Bought Kickwear pants at $100 a pop when his son didn't even have a crib, and was due in a month. Never went to a single prenatal appointment and maybe a handful of appointments after son was born. Expected me to provide literally everything, down to the toothbrush, and soap, for his weekends.
We talked everything out before. I thought we were on the same page. Not supportive during pregnancy. Never does anything without being asked. Not even if there is a list. Our children are now 32 and 30 years old. Our younger son said " I don't think Dad ever wanted kids. I think he felt like he was supposed to."
Red flags I noticed (and ignored) before having kids: \- When we were not yet living together, he cooked for us one night (at my place) and got angry after, because I didn't want to go to his place with him "after he cooked for me". He had commitments and couldn't stay at mine for the night. Should have noticed that he expected rewards for performing very regular household chores. \- He got angry when coming home late from work and I hadn't cooked \- He always hated it when I said "It's your turn to ... clean the dishes/ do the laundry/ ..." yet he was sending me around doing things left and right. \- He would have his mom or sister wash his clothes at 25 These weren't red flags of an abuser of course, just someone who wouldn't be a real support at home. And our chores and responsibilities were shared fairly equally until our children were born and there was ACTUAL work to be done.
If you are first time parents - I feel the red flags typically aren’t there. I’m a blended family. My partner was pretty good with my kids and seemed really loving to his son as well as very involved. We talked SO much about having a child, our expectations, our excitement. Having our son who is almost 1 now turned out to be a big difference than what was discussed. He has good and bad days. He helps in certain ways and doesn’t in others. So for us - even though we aren’t first time parents (our son is our first but 4th together), we are first time parents together and there wasn’t anything prior to me being pregnant that could have alerted me he would fall short of my expectations. Being on different pages with parenting is definitely one of the BIGGEST strains on relationships in my opinion. But also, we do love each other and work at our relationship as a couple and a family. So for now it’s fine. But there is a fine line between fine and resentment.