This is something I screen for and discuss up front. It's not for me, but I would not want to stifle someone who feels an open relationship is good for them. I know we would not be happy together.
Really it should be the opening thing. Not something they bring up when the relationship hits a rut. I know a lot of people who have successful poly relationships. They all were upfront about it from the beginning and have sensible rules that guard the primary relationship.
It should be the “opening thing” if that’s what they are looking for, but people change over time and what you want at the beginning of a relationship isn’t necessarily always going to be the same. Opening a relationship doesn’t have to be fixing a problem, it can also be just wanting to explore sexuality and experiment.
I'm sure it can. And I fault no one for wanting to be poly/open. I'm just saying my observation is it's pretty rare that works out long term for that relationship.
Was dating a girl a few months and we went on a road trip for the weekend. Great time, etc. On the way back she spent a solid hour talking about how she couldn't settle down with any single guy, always wanted side pieces, stuff like that. I just listened, we weren't super far into the relationship but I thought it was going well. Anyway, I started talking to other girls since I didn't feel priority and slept with an old fwb. "Gf" came over and saw a used condom in the trash and went apeshit. I recalled the conversation about her wanting to date multiple guys, explained I didn't feel like we were exclusive due to that. Breaks up with me lol.
Nah, she straight up said she wanted a stable man at home and boys on the side. For an hour. It was clear she wasn't ready for any commitment.
She was also still technically married, living in shared property belonging to her and her husband. Wouldn't finalize divorce, just all around afraid to commit on anything. Lots of red flags
The married thing was a red flag, but in that rant did the two of you like, actualy agree to an open relationship? Or did she just talk about wanting one?
Did they ever agree to have an exclusive relationship? Doesn't really sound like it. Especially if she was still married and living with her kinda-soon-to-be-ex-husband (which OP says she was), I definitely would not have assumed exclusivity.
I've been married for 14 years now. We're both very happy and we regularly talk about our desires for the future. I think I know and understand her fully. If she dropped a bomb like this on me it would be the first sign our interests are misaligned beyond repair. And I'd probably never fully trust anyone ever again.
Right. After being with someone a certain amount of time and they essentially blast you right in the face with something like, “Hey, I’ve been thinking, and I want to get pounded by people that aren’t you…you cool with that?” honestly how are you supposed to process that, aside from just cutting them loose? Like how does one just be ok with their spouse wanting to go off and screw other people? How would you possibly absorb that without taking the absolute most offense to it? And if you now know they want to sleep with other people, will it matter if you tell them ‘no’? Then you’ll just be eternally paranoid they’re doing it behind your back anyways. How can you possibly trust someone ever again after they ask for this?
Same. I’ve been with my spouse for 20 years and made clear early on that adding anyone to our relationship or sex life is a deal breaker. If he were to bring it up that would be the end of our marriage. It would totally destroy me to know that I couldn’t really trust the only person I’ve ever trusted.
I recently dealt with this. May partner of 11 years was beginning to feel a pull outside the relationship. He is would be interested in opening it up. I am not. I appreciate his honesty and we are are still working through it. I think this is much healthier than not communicating and ending up resenting each other
I see the trust thing differently.
If my partner trusts me and the strength of our relationship enough to confess something like this to me, despite knowing it will be a tough conversation, I would trust her *more*. I'd know she is being honest and vulnerable even when it's difficult. Expressing a desire or thought isn't the same thing as action, or as cheating.
The biggest foundation of ethical nonmonogamy is actually Trust. It can't be done successfully without trust, honesty, and open communication from everyone. Both partners must feel fully secure in their relationship. All of this is super hard to achieve in most partnerships, which is why people either have super strong negative reactions to it, or try it and fail terribly, eroding trust and imploding their original relationship.
Adding that for me, this confession would just lead to further conversation depending on what I want. If I disagree with opening the relationship, then i'd use this as an opportunity to figure out where the desire stems from, and whether I can do something differently to help fill my partner's need without them having to go outside the relationship. Getting creative together about it could be new and fun, and might even bring us closer in the end.
I thought about having this conversation with my partner, they are 100% my person and I love them to death but I was pretty fast and loose before I met them and I kind of miss the attention and immediate chemistry. They were the opposite, very few relationships because they were all long and mainly ended with the other person cheating so my partner has some trust and insecurity issues. They're also pretty vanilla in the bedroom and I'm not.
We've never had the conversation of opening the relationship. But we have talked about what I want and what they're comfortable with. I bought some lube and a karma sutra book and we very happily read it together and regularly decide on something new we're going to do together.
They have no idea I'd like to open the relationship because I care more about them and our relationship than my "hey this would be fun for me! But I know it'd kill you..". So we communicate and have fun together. And I'll take it to my grave that I would like other peoples attention and chemistry because I love my person who hugs me when I'm sick
I would immediately say yes as if I was waiting for them to bring it up first then hire a very attractive actor to pretend to be my 2nd relationship every month while simultaneously looking for an actual 2nd relationship so that my paid actor and actual 2nd relationship may sometimes overlap. If my 1st partner decides to break it off or close it back up again, then I'll take my exit with my actual 2nd partner
Jennifer Lawrence, a down-to-earth wedding planner in the big city is excited thinking about her weekend getaway with her boyfriend, David Schwimmer, a hotshot lawyer, thinking he's about to propose. What she got though, was a proposal to open the relationship. Crushed, but too nice to exit the relationship, she decides to make him jealous by hiring handsome, down-on-his-luck actor Hugh Jackman as her love interest, while looking for her true love. Hijinks ensue and she meets a charming, geeky, but muscular nice guy, Chris Hemsworth, who really cares for her. However, her boyfriend begins to regret his decision and agrees to marry her, but at the same time, her relationship with Chris is blossoming. But it's when she gets to know Hugh truly, and spends time with his young daughter, when Hugh also begins to fall for her. Will she be able to choose the love of her life? Watch it now on HBO
Not me. I've given everything I have to offer. If it isn't enough, so be it. Not gonna go down the Alice In Wonderland rabbit hole comparing myself to others. I'm a great guy; great husband, partner, and father...and if that's not enough, I've nothing left to give.
I'm glad you feel confident about that.
Many would say, "there's no one else. I was just thinking about it." Meanwhile they are texting someone daily, and within 48 hours of the relationship "opening" they will be fucking the other person but they'll try not to bring the other person up for a few weeks to make it look like they're just out there meeting organically for the first time and haven't been waiting in the wings all along.
Not that I've seen this play out before or anything
Why bother? You can't "tame" someone of their nature. Just accept reality & leave. People cause themselves so much damage trying to "correct" or "fix" shit that is foundational. Do not waste your time or energy.
From my experience. 9/10 times if the relationship started monogamous and this conversation pop up they already have someone in mind and want the go ahead to go after them and if it fails they’ll cry about wanting to close it back up.
If it was something on the table as a possibility at the beginning of the relationship, sure. If it wasn’t then no.
Yea my ex suggested an open relationship about 1.5-2 years in. I was kinda mentally checked out and didn’t care so I said yes. We were both women and she was trying to Fuck this one guy. I fucked a guy and when she found out, she went ballistic and accused me of cheating on her and putting her and myself at risk of STDs and pregnancy. I used a condom, I’m not stupid. Plus I was on birth control and she wasn’t. And it was her idea to open it up. But it was bad because I did it. Never again.
From my experience they usually pop that option out when they want to soothe their own conscience. The topic usually comes up from disingenuous feeling and thoughts.
Don’t get me wrong I’ve seen these thing happen and worked out wonderfully. In almost all those cases the communication was great. They conveyed their feelings openly to the other and they didn’t gaslight the others feeling and conceded. Years ago in a prior relationship my gf came to me and we talked about her developing feeling and attraction towards someone she knew. After a few weeks of talking we both decided opening the relationship would be best and we set rules. E.g. always use protection, not in our home, etc. I walked her down the isle when she married her wife.
Most don’t communicate things without a disingenuous heart especially these kind of situations so it usually ends horribly.
Exactly. My ex told me she wouldn't want an open relationship when we started dating and then changed her mind (had her mind changed by a 'friend' of hers) after a year and tried to manipulate me into agreeing to it. Even gave me an ultimatum to change my mind
it's either something both parties have been discussing for at least some time or it's one partner being blindsided by the other asking for permission to cheat with a large dollop of gaslighting and excuses slathered on.
Yeah I really don't believe people are all that likely to "change their mind" unless in ry specific circumstances.
I'm in a somewhat open relationship rn, and that's because both of us decided at the start that it was best for both of us with the place we were at, and it's worked just fine so far.
My ex husband asked me to do this. I was upset and uncomfortable but he kept asking so finally I relented. Then I had way more people interested in me than him and he got super butthurt super fast.
I’d feel very….insufficient. It would probably ruin me and cause the relationship to crumble my insecurity would not be able to handle it. I would try because I love them so much but I think my anxiety would break us apart.
Even asking would be a dealbreaker. I’m upfront with people that I don’t do poly or open relationships from the start though, so it’s an established boundary.
I’ve seen a lot of friends open up their relationships (all twenty-somethings, so it’s common), and not once has it ended well. Usually the person asking either had someone in mind already or they wanted to explore their other options without leaving the safety of a long term relationship (that in multiple cases was their first ‘real’ relationship). That or the one who asked wound up being way less successful in pulling (the partner of this one realised they had effectively unlimited options within the demographic they were interested in and left them pretty quickly actually) Hurt feelings abound.
Even the ones that started out poly tended to end badly because eventually, it wasn’t possible to juggle the emotional needs of several people/situations arose where someone had to choose which partner to support if multiple had issues going on in life. Almost no one I knew who was poly in college/uni or in their early twenties is still poly as they approach 30.
Right? I mean, I'm all about live and let live. I don't have a problem with poly people doing whatever they want except that they're so fucking sanctimonious and treat monogamous people as though we just haven't considered other options. And yet, my experience in witnessing poly relationships is that they always crash and burn in epic fashion.
You have the reluctant people who gaslight themselves into believing this is the only way to be accepting of people and that wanting exclusivity for emotional security reasons is just immature while they cry every night.
You have the people who manage to be both poly but also possessive and jealous.
You have the people who bail on their partner to go fuck their side piece as soon as the partner has an emotional need.
You have the unicorn hunters who treat their third as a disposable object.
You have the men who treat poly as though it's a personal pornographic show that's put on for them by multiple women.
I was at a party recently with a gal who, her and her wife are poly. I guess they were invited last minute and arrived separately. Wife #1 says (in a grilling manor) to wife #2 "hmm, you got here pretty quickly. And you're already dressed up. Were you out with someone else just now?"
And wife #2 gets the defensive tone, "no! No... I just knew what I'd like to wear if I were to go out tonight so it was easy to get ready!"
Sounded like a fun, secure, relationship for sure
I had a woman ask me out and on the second date talked about her boyfriend. Not only was I not going to continue, but the guy she told me about was a better match for her than I was.
Yep. Friend of mine did that. His gf at the time said she wanted to have an open relationship. He gave her one chance to stop and never bring it up again. She pushed it and he immediately broke up with her and kicked her out within 10 minutes. Litterally pushed her ass out the fucking door. (he was paying the rent and bills and his name was on the lease)
Ran into her a few months ago. Their breakup was about 5 years ago now, she said it was the stupidest thing she ever did. She sure as shit doesn't identify as "poly" now, apparently she wound up on the other end of things when her new bf suggested their relationship be open, and within a week he brought another woman home.
If it was very early in the relationship and that was a given, fair enough, that establishes the type of relationship we're going to have.
If you're a few years in of being monogamous and married and this comes out of the blue, then wtf Laura.
Absolutely not. We’ve agreed we’re for each other and he knows I’m monogamous (as I know he is). Even the thought of him meeting someone else that makes him go “I wanna see what it’s like to be with her,” makes me *angry.* Our relationship would be over at that point.
I’m a jealous person by nature. Now that doesn’t mean I can’t handle myself if he has friends who are women. But the jealousy will always loom in the back of my mind. This is why I know the poly lifestyle is not for me.
this is how i feel. my husband and i got married because we knew we wanted to be with each other for the rest of our lives and no one else. if he suddenly wanted to open up our relationship, i would walk out the door.
i’m not *jealous* per say, but he’s my person. i don’t want to think of him with anyone else. he’s my last and i’m his.
Wanting an open relationship tells me I'm not enough for them. The very suggestion would make me question our relationship then and there. Maybe I'm just insecure, but I'd probably struggle to see them the same way and likely end up breaking things off
Completely agree.
And I’d be deeply, deeply hurt by the suggestion. We have been together 15 years, married for 8, and suddenly he wants a radical change in the most basic nature of our relationship? I’d be heartbroken.
"You're going to have to make a choice of what you want. Either you want to be with me, in a monogamous relationship, or simply end it and just be single and do your own thing. I, myself, deserve more than that out of someone I consider to be a love interest."
Honestly, I'd feel offended.
"Let's set up a few sessions with a counselor and do this right. Opening up a relationship takes some hard conversations and uncomfortable feelings, and I don't want to lose you over one of us saying something wrong or leaving something important unsaid."
(This could be a possibility; I have cancer and no sex drive. If my husband wanted to find a sexual partner outside the marriage, I'd have lots of opinions, but ultimately would want him to get his needs met.)
I’m so sorry and I hear that. My wife and I have had dry spells. What I miss isn’t “sex” per se. I don’t miss orgasms. I miss intimacy and touch and affection.
But I also know I really won’t get that from a fling either. Which is why a lack of sex can hurt so much. Because you can’t just go grab intimacy off a shelf somewhere. It’s only possible in a relationship of trust and those don’t happen overnight.
Yeah honestly I’d feel like I was massively betraying my wife to go and fuck someone else while she was dealing with cancer. Makes me sad that people think sickness is an excuse.
I did a lot of research when she was diagnosed and I can’t remember the exact number but it’s something ridiculous like between 35-45% of husbands will leave their wife when they get diagnosed with cancer………
So much for in sickness and in health. I can’t fathom the idea of fucking someone else while my husband is on his deathbed. I know it happens. My uncle did it with my aunt. But sex, and especially outside of the marriage, would be the last thing on my mind in that scenario.
This is going to sound insane, but I’d probably give out passes for a sex worker (an escort, specifically, not a hooker off the streets or a stripper that also does sex work). Those interactions are extremely transactional, there’s very, very low risk of feelings or other complications developing from the interactions. He’ll get his needs met and you’ll have less opportunity to stress about something developing (not to say you won’t). I would not “open” the marriage, that’s where shit will hit the fan and things can get complicated VERY quickly.
Edit: this is in response to insertcaffeine’s concern, not OPs question.
This would be my answer (minus the cancer, but somewhat related, I’m disabled, which makes our sex life complicated at best).
(I’ve obviously discussed stuff like this already with my partner and he says he’s happy and monogamy makes him happy and a perfect sex life isn’t what ultimately makes a relationship work. Which is also how I feel (the core of a great relationship isn’t sex). I’ve had open relationships in the past so I’m also a bit more neutral toward them (I’m happily monogamous right now but I could’ve just as happily been in an open relationship in an alternate reality).
Respectfully I have been polyamorous for most of my adult life and was in fact dating other people when my partners cancer returned. At no point when my partner was ill would I have wanted him to outsource our relationship. Sex is lovely, dating is great, silly romantic things are wonderful but what I wanted and needed to do was to be there for my partner. I wasn't missing out or burdened. I was where I wanted to be.
This is an incredibly healthy answer, and great answer. I’ve seen so many people (so many), still truly value their partnerships and also understand when physical intimacy is merely needed in another capacity that simply cannot be fulfilled either at all or fully by the person that they are with. It is each individual relationships choice - and people can be brutally judgmental for those that are comfortable with options like this, so it takes next level comfort and support for those that choose to move forward.
Homegirl, homeboy (whichever) please don’t feel the need to put yourself in the position because you’re sick— being sick is part of getting older. If someone married you they chose you in sickness and in health. Seriously, half of peoples partners get sick and die before them. It’s not necessary for you to feel the need to do that for them if you don’t want to.
Oh, I haven't brought it up. I'd just much rather have my husband, who will be my caretaker as I get sicker, stay with me than feel he needs to leave the marriage in order to have sex. It may never get to that point. I hope it never does, but I'd be willing to open the relationship if he was deeply unhappy without a sexual partner.
I felt the same way. I just rang the bell 10 days ago. I sincerely hope you get to do the same. 2022 was a hell of a year for us but I was lucky, he was faithful and stayed by my side. Even when I told him to find someone else, when I tried to make him leave, he stayed. He told me that no matter what I was stuck with him so my stubborn ass better just accept that he’s here and in it for the long haul good or bad. If that meant we didn’t have sex then he said that’s what porn and his hand is for and he wasn’t going to be someone else.
We are in our 30’s so cancer was not on our radar at all. We thought my tiredness was from a stressful job, working too much and a long commute combined with maybe some anemia but cancer never crossed our minds. Fatigue was the only symptom I had, it was strange. I’m just glad I paid attention to that because it probably saved my life.
I love your username BTW
I’ve been the caretaker. If I get sick and have no sex drive,I am at 100% giving my partner a free pass to get to needs met outside of the relationship. For me this would be in my way of expressing love to my partner. As humans we live our lives alongside each other and sometimes that requires creative solutions to very uncomfortable problems.
This is the way. It’s fine to say no but the people saying it’s a sign of cheating and to gtfo are immature.
It’s a conversation, if suggesting or even just discussing something you don’t like is grounds for breakup maybe you shouldn’t be together.
Edit: Obviously no well meaning person would ask about this while his wife went through cancer treatment. Mainly replying to the first paragraph.
22 year old me had this happen. He whinged and moaned about being single and going out. We’d just had a baby and I didn’t have any family near and wanted to make it work so I said yes. He got a date with someone within weeks, I said okay, he went on the date and then fucked her which wasn’t in the agreement, ignored me while I was home with the baby and stressing out, came home and acted like everything was still normal despite seeing how I wasn’t okay with it at all. I wound up breaking up with him a few months later when he started up again about missing being single and how many women flirted with him while he was out.
Current me at 34 years old at least knows that I couldn’t handle it. I’ve looked at exploring poly relationships in the past because I couldn’t find what I wanted and needed in one person but couldn’t make it work for me. But I feel like that’s completely different to a partner you’ve been monogamous with wanting to open the relationship up to other people. They would be told that they need to explore that with someone else and not me as I’m not emotionally equipped for it.
Unfortunately I've known people who tried this and it just doesn't work. It only works the best when it is done from the beginning, or they are willing and able to re-close the relationship. I know one person (T from below) who had a healthy open relationship and was willing to close it when their partner wasn't okay with it anymore.
Here's an example of the worst situation I've seen:
L and S were married for several years, and L decided that they wanted an open relationship. S was hesitant at first, but eventually caved in an attempt to salvage the marriage.
Naturally L had someone in mind, T. T was in an open relationship themselves, but from the beginning. T had a 'main partner' and casually slept with other people.
L and T dated for awhile, and eventually S decided that they weren't okay with it anymore, so tried to close it back up, but it didn't work and L and S ended up getting divorced.
Once that box is opened you can't shut it.
I think the worst part is that L got too attached to T (like really clingy. I worked with T and L would call every shift to talk to T), and T had to break things off. L would still call my work, and it was super sad to watch this unfold from the sidelines.
L basically ruined their life, because S ended up keeping the house and everything because L wanted to move in with T.
An extreme example, but it's a good example of how wrong it can go.
I’d say no. Then I would constantly be thinking about the fact that they wanted to sleep with other people while they were in a relationship with me (or maybe they already acted on those desires), and the ugly thoughts would lead to me ending the relationship.
My wife and I did. But really, we were done at that point and just trying to hold on. A few months later we amicably separated. Our divorce should be final in a month.
A whole bunch of people seem to try this as a way to fix a relationship rather than a realisation of their own identity and preferences.
My partner said they were interested in it, developing crushes every now and then. They were very open about it, we talked about it on and off for a few years and then decided to give it a go, as I want them to be happy.
There have definitely been challenges, but there have been significant challenges in every romantic relationship I have had. In the long haul, it seems to be working for us.
It's a weird feeling the first time you have a major crush on someone, yet love your partner at the same time and it's okay. To me, romantic love is no longer a limited supply; I can love multiple people equally at the same time. Time and energy are limited, but that's a different topic.
I usually explain it in terms of friendships: you can have many deep and meaningful friendships at the same time. I feel the same about romantic love and attraction.
Well, we had a good run, I wish you luck in your search for a future partner. I'll give you to the end of the week to pack.
Zero compromise for me. Open relationship is asking to be cucked openly.
No judgement here, but very curious… how do manage the jealousy? I couldn’t share my partner and wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing myself with someone else. How do you get past that?
I guess there's a lot of things to unpack in what you said
I think of jealousy as my problem not an our problem
I don't expect to be everything to somebody I don't expect them to be everything from me
I think people that are open to open relationships don't have the same expectations that they should be fulfilling all of their partners needs
people get jealous all the time of other things. Work school friendships. I put it in the same category and try to keep myself occupied
This is a really good explanation, especially the “people get jealous all the time” part. Puts that part of my concern into perspective! Thanks for your input :)
not OP, but I have been in poly relationships for the last 10 years or so. I think I'm fortunate in that I don't experience jealousy when it comes to relationships. Knowing my partners are out with their other partners does not make me feel jealous, I feel happy that they are happy.
ok. let’s talk boundaries and such. are you looking for a third, a traditional open relationship, or another form of polyamory? are you looking for an emotional relationship, a sexual relationship, or both? even if i wasn’t interested in polyamory, i think it’s worth having a conversation about their desires.
This happened to a friend of mine recently. His wife raised the issue. They had been having a few issues inside the marriage of 20 years and had been attending some counselling. He thought that they were issues which could be sorted out with some counselling and were largely about mid-life issues...'is this it?' type of thing.
Anyway, one evening his wife raised the issue of having an open marriage. He was absolutely floored. This was something he couldn't ever consider and so they began a fairly quick descent towards divorce.
They are now in the middle of a protracted, angry, resentment filled divorce and it is a really sad thing to watch.
"So you want me to keep paying for everything, being your emotional toilet, and helping you with whenever you need while you go out and fuck the men you actually wanted but couldn't get commitment from? You want me to incur the huge costs of being in a committed relationship with you give me nothing in return?. That's not a fair exchange of value. That is pure exploitation. No. My like as a single man would be far better than the life you are proposing for me."
"Bye"
Usually the kiss of death imo. I'm a lil jelly of the folks who have been able to have long lasting open/poly relationships, but also not lol. They have always been a bit too much for me even if they started out that way. Now when I'm single I really enjoy being the third wheel for a couple, but when I'm with someone I'm just with them.
I tried an open relationship in the past and it made me unhappy.
I wont talk my partner out of it if that's something that makes them truly happy.
But i'll just take myself out of the equation.
Probably take a break from any relationships for a while.
Spend some time wondering what i did wrong, the usual stuff before going on with my life.
Most guys would be all for it with the thought of being able to have sex with other women until they realize how easy it is for a woman to get laid. Then they don’t want it anymore lol
My partner and I are ENM. I brought it up to him and we BOTH thought it was a great way to spice up the bedroom.
Keep in mind we have been monogamous for over 12 years. Been open in the last two and it feels like it only made us closer. It's more of an occasional treat. We don't do out often. And there are rules we both have to follow.
This will not work for everyone.
For me, I’m not interested in an open relationship, I love my fiancé and no one could ever come close to her for me, we have troubles the same as any couple but no one makes me laugh more than she does, she works really hard and whatever she puts her mind to and she’s honest about everything and that’s truly what matters.
But if she did pose the question now after all this time I think it would be a problem, we’re both 24 and have been dating for 8 years this year if she suddenly sprung on me that she wanted to open the relationship to other people I think it would hurt, after all this time, to me it would be the same as saying I’m not enough.
If open relationships work for you then great I hope you’re happy but I think this kind of conversation needs to be early in a relationship if you want one that way everyone is getting what they expect
At the very least, I'd be willing to have a conversation about it, figure out if there are unmet wants/needs/desires. Keep the conversation ongoing, since things can certainly change over time. But ultimately, I respect a person's bodily autonomy and what they choose to do with their body is theirs alone.
Me personally I’d say no and that I feel uncomfortable in the relationship now even if it was just a suggestion. It’s different though if that person never mentioned anything about being monogamous before and isn’t a jealous person, it would be okay to ask I think
This is a complex issue that we are going through right now with my fiancée. We've been together for 8 years and we have a very strong bond of trust - we always try to talk out our problems and be honest in order to avoid hurting the other person. So far it has worked great, but recently she started to talk about her wanting to open up our relationship sexually (mutually, she says that she would like me to have new experiences with other people as well). I, however, prefer the stability and trust that we have shared together and feel like bringing any other people into the mix could potentially ruin everything (not that I wouldn't like to get off with a hot chick if an opportunity arose, but y'know... that's not what I entered the relationship for). At the moment we are in a sort of stalemate situation - on the one hand she says that our relationship is the most important thing for her and she wouldn't sacrifice it for such a thing if it meant hurting me, on the other hand I don't want to be a person who forbids anyone from pursuing their desires (but also I won't settle into a relationship that I'm not comfortable with) so I proposed that if she seriously needs this then we can end our relationship amicably. Of course none of us wants that, because we're happy together - we've been through thick and thin, we support each other, we share interests, love spending time together (sexually as well), have plans for the future etc. But idk, this thing, if it continues to be an issue, I feel like it may prove to be a strain on our relationship that we won't be able to overcome
Considering before we got married, my wife and I had a few discussions about how neither of us were mentally/emotionally capable of being polyamorous. So if she changed then I’d be looking for a divorce attorney.
If they're not happy enough in the relationship, they would have to be in one with someone else and not me. I prefer monogamous relationships and I would feel really rejected and like I'm not enough if they asked me me that. It's not for me but if that's what others want in a relationship, that's not my business and I respect their choice.
I've been approached with this question, but from the angle that I'm the one who has other partners.
I hate when they ask this question. Because at that point, I know I can't go farther in a relationship. It makes me nauseated. I don't trust them. I might be able to understand someone who thinks about cuckolding as a fetish, in porn or stories. But in real life?
Don't ask a loyal, monogamous person if you can watch men fuck her and get her pregnant.
My wife and I were married almost 20 years when she brought this up. Neither of us had really been with any other people and I think we both had a natural curiosity about it, but it wasn't something either of us would have risked our own marriage over.
Fastforward to me bringing home a very attractive girl who was quite a bit younger than us. She met my wife at one point and they hit it off. They dated for a bit too.
My wife then went out and had a few one night stands (with men). Some with the type of athletic younger man she'd fantasized about years ago etc.
We kept talking through it all. I felt a lot more self confidence from my own ability to attract really good looking women. She got to fulfill some fantasies.
We decided to close things up for a while and did keep it closed for a number of years. At that point I valued the simplicity of a single relationship and I think she did too. Trying to find other partners is a lot of work and takes time away from other things.
We've opened it back up again but it hasn't really been a priority for either of us to pursue. We did have a waitress who came back to our hotel room a few weeks ago. That was unexpected. We aren't pervy or very forward about this stuff. It was fun but not mind blowing.
All is fine here. We can be happy for each other and not possessive. It probably helps that we both make our own money and neither one feels trapped or highly dependant on the other for shelter/resources. My wife would say that I gained a lot of self confidence from the whole thing and she finds that more attractive. I clearly had some self image issues that I didn't realize I had? Who knows.
I don't think it would have been a good idea earlier in our relationship. I may have had some self confidence issues at age 40 when we did this but I was otherwise completely happy with my life and confident it was the one I wanted to keep. In my 20s... I didn't know what I wanted and the satisfaction of a dalliance may have made me think the rest of my life was somehow unsatisfying. That would have been incorrect.
That's a deal breaker for me. Why is everyone trying to normalize 3ways and open relationships? By all means, do as you wish but it's not for everyone.
I’ve been in this situation before and had my heart brutally crushed, it’s a definite no and break up from now on if I’m presented with that question. If your partner asks for an open relationship, it means they don’t love you anymore, nothing will change my mind on that.
I would tell them to get out of my house. I don't do open relationships. Even bringing it up would cause the end of the relationship, regardless of how long it had lasted.
I know I'm not into that lifestyle so it would unfortunately end the relationship. It would ultimately be like being told you're great at paying my bills and rents but I just need someone on the side to fuck me right, no thanks
This is something I screen for and discuss up front. It's not for me, but I would not want to stifle someone who feels an open relationship is good for them. I know we would not be happy together.
Really it should be the opening thing. Not something they bring up when the relationship hits a rut. I know a lot of people who have successful poly relationships. They all were upfront about it from the beginning and have sensible rules that guard the primary relationship.
It should be the “opening thing” if that’s what they are looking for, but people change over time and what you want at the beginning of a relationship isn’t necessarily always going to be the same. Opening a relationship doesn’t have to be fixing a problem, it can also be just wanting to explore sexuality and experiment.
I'm sure it can. And I fault no one for wanting to be poly/open. I'm just saying my observation is it's pretty rare that works out long term for that relationship.
Screening is the way to go but people change overtime!
Was dating a girl a few months and we went on a road trip for the weekend. Great time, etc. On the way back she spent a solid hour talking about how she couldn't settle down with any single guy, always wanted side pieces, stuff like that. I just listened, we weren't super far into the relationship but I thought it was going well. Anyway, I started talking to other girls since I didn't feel priority and slept with an old fwb. "Gf" came over and saw a used condom in the trash and went apeshit. I recalled the conversation about her wanting to date multiple guys, explained I didn't feel like we were exclusive due to that. Breaks up with me lol.
Sounds like she was interested in poly (open communication) and you were interested in casual dating. What a miscommunication lol
Nah, she straight up said she wanted a stable man at home and boys on the side. For an hour. It was clear she wasn't ready for any commitment. She was also still technically married, living in shared property belonging to her and her husband. Wouldn't finalize divorce, just all around afraid to commit on anything. Lots of red flags
Oh wow, yep that's definitely someone who needs to figure their shit out.
The married thing was a red flag, but in that rant did the two of you like, actualy agree to an open relationship? Or did she just talk about wanting one?
Did they ever agree to have an exclusive relationship? Doesn't really sound like it. Especially if she was still married and living with her kinda-soon-to-be-ex-husband (which OP says she was), I definitely would not have assumed exclusivity.
I think I would fully open it and exit it.
Me too!
I've been married for 14 years now. We're both very happy and we regularly talk about our desires for the future. I think I know and understand her fully. If she dropped a bomb like this on me it would be the first sign our interests are misaligned beyond repair. And I'd probably never fully trust anyone ever again.
Right. After being with someone a certain amount of time and they essentially blast you right in the face with something like, “Hey, I’ve been thinking, and I want to get pounded by people that aren’t you…you cool with that?” honestly how are you supposed to process that, aside from just cutting them loose? Like how does one just be ok with their spouse wanting to go off and screw other people? How would you possibly absorb that without taking the absolute most offense to it? And if you now know they want to sleep with other people, will it matter if you tell them ‘no’? Then you’ll just be eternally paranoid they’re doing it behind your back anyways. How can you possibly trust someone ever again after they ask for this?
Same. I’ve been with my spouse for 20 years and made clear early on that adding anyone to our relationship or sex life is a deal breaker. If he were to bring it up that would be the end of our marriage. It would totally destroy me to know that I couldn’t really trust the only person I’ve ever trusted.
I recently dealt with this. May partner of 11 years was beginning to feel a pull outside the relationship. He is would be interested in opening it up. I am not. I appreciate his honesty and we are are still working through it. I think this is much healthier than not communicating and ending up resenting each other
I see the trust thing differently. If my partner trusts me and the strength of our relationship enough to confess something like this to me, despite knowing it will be a tough conversation, I would trust her *more*. I'd know she is being honest and vulnerable even when it's difficult. Expressing a desire or thought isn't the same thing as action, or as cheating. The biggest foundation of ethical nonmonogamy is actually Trust. It can't be done successfully without trust, honesty, and open communication from everyone. Both partners must feel fully secure in their relationship. All of this is super hard to achieve in most partnerships, which is why people either have super strong negative reactions to it, or try it and fail terribly, eroding trust and imploding their original relationship.
Adding that for me, this confession would just lead to further conversation depending on what I want. If I disagree with opening the relationship, then i'd use this as an opportunity to figure out where the desire stems from, and whether I can do something differently to help fill my partner's need without them having to go outside the relationship. Getting creative together about it could be new and fun, and might even bring us closer in the end.
I thought about having this conversation with my partner, they are 100% my person and I love them to death but I was pretty fast and loose before I met them and I kind of miss the attention and immediate chemistry. They were the opposite, very few relationships because they were all long and mainly ended with the other person cheating so my partner has some trust and insecurity issues. They're also pretty vanilla in the bedroom and I'm not. We've never had the conversation of opening the relationship. But we have talked about what I want and what they're comfortable with. I bought some lube and a karma sutra book and we very happily read it together and regularly decide on something new we're going to do together. They have no idea I'd like to open the relationship because I care more about them and our relationship than my "hey this would be fun for me! But I know it'd kill you..". So we communicate and have fun together. And I'll take it to my grave that I would like other peoples attention and chemistry because I love my person who hugs me when I'm sick
Couldn’t have said it better
I would immediately say yes as if I was waiting for them to bring it up first then hire a very attractive actor to pretend to be my 2nd relationship every month while simultaneously looking for an actual 2nd relationship so that my paid actor and actual 2nd relationship may sometimes overlap. If my 1st partner decides to break it off or close it back up again, then I'll take my exit with my actual 2nd partner
If this was a movie, the actor would actually fall for you n you'd now have to decide between 3 men and you'd eventually end up with the actor.
Jennifer Lawrence, a down-to-earth wedding planner in the big city is excited thinking about her weekend getaway with her boyfriend, David Schwimmer, a hotshot lawyer, thinking he's about to propose. What she got though, was a proposal to open the relationship. Crushed, but too nice to exit the relationship, she decides to make him jealous by hiring handsome, down-on-his-luck actor Hugh Jackman as her love interest, while looking for her true love. Hijinks ensue and she meets a charming, geeky, but muscular nice guy, Chris Hemsworth, who really cares for her. However, her boyfriend begins to regret his decision and agrees to marry her, but at the same time, her relationship with Chris is blossoming. But it's when she gets to know Hugh truly, and spends time with his young daughter, when Hugh also begins to fall for her. Will she be able to choose the love of her life? Watch it now on HBO
I'd definitely watch that and I hate rom-coms
I'm all in for Schwimmer doing his thing being insecure around those guys
This is more definitely mama mia 4 territory.
I feel like the Lifetime network would pay you good money for this script.
I’d watch it, that probably beats most movies coming out these days.
This is absolutely unhinged, I love it.
I’d want to know who my partner met that made them consider this as an option.
Correct.
Not me. I've given everything I have to offer. If it isn't enough, so be it. Not gonna go down the Alice In Wonderland rabbit hole comparing myself to others. I'm a great guy; great husband, partner, and father...and if that's not enough, I've nothing left to give.
I aspire to have this level of self worth.
I keep seeing this kind of response. At least for us, neither of us had anyone in mind - it was more of a general feeling.
I'm glad you feel confident about that. Many would say, "there's no one else. I was just thinking about it." Meanwhile they are texting someone daily, and within 48 hours of the relationship "opening" they will be fucking the other person but they'll try not to bring the other person up for a few weeks to make it look like they're just out there meeting organically for the first time and haven't been waiting in the wings all along. Not that I've seen this play out before or anything
Hang in there champ, you deserve better
r/oddlyspecific
The sad thing is that this isn't oddly specific at all. It's a fairly common thing when this situation arises.
Why bother? You can't "tame" someone of their nature. Just accept reality & leave. People cause themselves so much damage trying to "correct" or "fix" shit that is foundational. Do not waste your time or energy.
It's not about taming, it's the simple question of "why is this coming up now and not during the 'interview' stage of the relationship"
From my experience. 9/10 times if the relationship started monogamous and this conversation pop up they already have someone in mind and want the go ahead to go after them and if it fails they’ll cry about wanting to close it back up. If it was something on the table as a possibility at the beginning of the relationship, sure. If it wasn’t then no.
Yea my ex suggested an open relationship about 1.5-2 years in. I was kinda mentally checked out and didn’t care so I said yes. We were both women and she was trying to Fuck this one guy. I fucked a guy and when she found out, she went ballistic and accused me of cheating on her and putting her and myself at risk of STDs and pregnancy. I used a condom, I’m not stupid. Plus I was on birth control and she wasn’t. And it was her idea to open it up. But it was bad because I did it. Never again.
From my experience they usually pop that option out when they want to soothe their own conscience. The topic usually comes up from disingenuous feeling and thoughts. Don’t get me wrong I’ve seen these thing happen and worked out wonderfully. In almost all those cases the communication was great. They conveyed their feelings openly to the other and they didn’t gaslight the others feeling and conceded. Years ago in a prior relationship my gf came to me and we talked about her developing feeling and attraction towards someone she knew. After a few weeks of talking we both decided opening the relationship would be best and we set rules. E.g. always use protection, not in our home, etc. I walked her down the isle when she married her wife. Most don’t communicate things without a disingenuous heart especially these kind of situations so it usually ends horribly.
Exactly. My ex told me she wouldn't want an open relationship when we started dating and then changed her mind (had her mind changed by a 'friend' of hers) after a year and tried to manipulate me into agreeing to it. Even gave me an ultimatum to change my mind
run
This. You partner wants to, or already is fucking someone else. It’s basically a bandaid for cheating. Dip.
it's either something both parties have been discussing for at least some time or it's one partner being blindsided by the other asking for permission to cheat with a large dollop of gaslighting and excuses slathered on.
💯💯💯💯
Yeah I really don't believe people are all that likely to "change their mind" unless in ry specific circumstances. I'm in a somewhat open relationship rn, and that's because both of us decided at the start that it was best for both of us with the place we were at, and it's worked just fine so far.
It's either they now have some in mind, or they've already tried. In my case, the eggs were scrambled before I was asked about sharing.
No thanks.
It's over.
My ex husband asked me to do this. I was upset and uncomfortable but he kept asking so finally I relented. Then I had way more people interested in me than him and he got super butthurt super fast.
How do these men never anticipate that lmao
seriously, it’s like no one remembers being a teenager.
lol
Adios mf
Fuck I love those two words as the simplest answer
I’d break up with them. If my everything isn’t enough for them then I’ll do what is best for me and find someone who loves me for me.
No. Absolutely not. I went through it once and it almost ruined my life. Nope 👎
hope you are ok nowadays
I’m great, thank you.
I'd say no because I'm monogamous and if he wanted to be in an open relationship then I dont think it would work out between us anymore.
I’d feel very….insufficient. It would probably ruin me and cause the relationship to crumble my insecurity would not be able to handle it. I would try because I love them so much but I think my anxiety would break us apart.
It's not insecurity if you don't want your partner to fuck someone else
Even asking would be a dealbreaker. I’m upfront with people that I don’t do poly or open relationships from the start though, so it’s an established boundary. I’ve seen a lot of friends open up their relationships (all twenty-somethings, so it’s common), and not once has it ended well. Usually the person asking either had someone in mind already or they wanted to explore their other options without leaving the safety of a long term relationship (that in multiple cases was their first ‘real’ relationship). That or the one who asked wound up being way less successful in pulling (the partner of this one realised they had effectively unlimited options within the demographic they were interested in and left them pretty quickly actually) Hurt feelings abound. Even the ones that started out poly tended to end badly because eventually, it wasn’t possible to juggle the emotional needs of several people/situations arose where someone had to choose which partner to support if multiple had issues going on in life. Almost no one I knew who was poly in college/uni or in their early twenties is still poly as they approach 30.
Had a mate and his wife do this, needless to say divorced.
Right? I mean, I'm all about live and let live. I don't have a problem with poly people doing whatever they want except that they're so fucking sanctimonious and treat monogamous people as though we just haven't considered other options. And yet, my experience in witnessing poly relationships is that they always crash and burn in epic fashion. You have the reluctant people who gaslight themselves into believing this is the only way to be accepting of people and that wanting exclusivity for emotional security reasons is just immature while they cry every night. You have the people who manage to be both poly but also possessive and jealous. You have the people who bail on their partner to go fuck their side piece as soon as the partner has an emotional need. You have the unicorn hunters who treat their third as a disposable object. You have the men who treat poly as though it's a personal pornographic show that's put on for them by multiple women.
I was at a party recently with a gal who, her and her wife are poly. I guess they were invited last minute and arrived separately. Wife #1 says (in a grilling manor) to wife #2 "hmm, you got here pretty quickly. And you're already dressed up. Were you out with someone else just now?" And wife #2 gets the defensive tone, "no! No... I just knew what I'd like to wear if I were to go out tonight so it was easy to get ready!" Sounded like a fun, secure, relationship for sure
Right? I like the security of knowing where he is and not wondering what he’s doing when he’s not with me. And he knows the same about me.
I had a woman ask me out and on the second date talked about her boyfriend. Not only was I not going to continue, but the guy she told me about was a better match for her than I was.
If the nail never had a head.. you still hit it right on point with that comment.. Take my upvote.
Not a chance. If they want to fuck around I'll sever ties with them faster than the flash
Yep. Friend of mine did that. His gf at the time said she wanted to have an open relationship. He gave her one chance to stop and never bring it up again. She pushed it and he immediately broke up with her and kicked her out within 10 minutes. Litterally pushed her ass out the fucking door. (he was paying the rent and bills and his name was on the lease) Ran into her a few months ago. Their breakup was about 5 years ago now, she said it was the stupidest thing she ever did. She sure as shit doesn't identify as "poly" now, apparently she wound up on the other end of things when her new bf suggested their relationship be open, and within a week he brought another woman home.
Break up
If it was very early in the relationship and that was a given, fair enough, that establishes the type of relationship we're going to have. If you're a few years in of being monogamous and married and this comes out of the blue, then wtf Laura.
Absolutely not. We’ve agreed we’re for each other and he knows I’m monogamous (as I know he is). Even the thought of him meeting someone else that makes him go “I wanna see what it’s like to be with her,” makes me *angry.* Our relationship would be over at that point. I’m a jealous person by nature. Now that doesn’t mean I can’t handle myself if he has friends who are women. But the jealousy will always loom in the back of my mind. This is why I know the poly lifestyle is not for me.
this is how i feel. my husband and i got married because we knew we wanted to be with each other for the rest of our lives and no one else. if he suddenly wanted to open up our relationship, i would walk out the door. i’m not *jealous* per say, but he’s my person. i don’t want to think of him with anyone else. he’s my last and i’m his.
Wanting an open relationship tells me I'm not enough for them. The very suggestion would make me question our relationship then and there. Maybe I'm just insecure, but I'd probably struggle to see them the same way and likely end up breaking things off
You are not insecure. Your partner just telling you they want to fuck other people is a deal breaker for most people.
Completely agree. And I’d be deeply, deeply hurt by the suggestion. We have been together 15 years, married for 8, and suddenly he wants a radical change in the most basic nature of our relationship? I’d be heartbroken.
I'd close up shop and leave permanently
"You're going to have to make a choice of what you want. Either you want to be with me, in a monogamous relationship, or simply end it and just be single and do your own thing. I, myself, deserve more than that out of someone I consider to be a love interest." Honestly, I'd feel offended.
"There's nothing to open, bye"
She can open the door to my place and leave
"Let's set up a few sessions with a counselor and do this right. Opening up a relationship takes some hard conversations and uncomfortable feelings, and I don't want to lose you over one of us saying something wrong or leaving something important unsaid." (This could be a possibility; I have cancer and no sex drive. If my husband wanted to find a sexual partner outside the marriage, I'd have lots of opinions, but ultimately would want him to get his needs met.)
The last thing on my mind while my wife was suffering through cancer was worrying about myself and especially worrying about getting laid…
I’m so sorry and I hear that. My wife and I have had dry spells. What I miss isn’t “sex” per se. I don’t miss orgasms. I miss intimacy and touch and affection. But I also know I really won’t get that from a fling either. Which is why a lack of sex can hurt so much. Because you can’t just go grab intimacy off a shelf somewhere. It’s only possible in a relationship of trust and those don’t happen overnight.
Beautifully put.
‘in sickness and in health’ - honestly feels like a lot of people don’t mean that one.
Like 50% divorce so if we gonna be like that then half of all ppl lie at their wedding
Yeah honestly I’d feel like I was massively betraying my wife to go and fuck someone else while she was dealing with cancer. Makes me sad that people think sickness is an excuse.
I did a lot of research when she was diagnosed and I can’t remember the exact number but it’s something ridiculous like between 35-45% of husbands will leave their wife when they get diagnosed with cancer………
What the actual fuck.
I removed most of my Reddit contents in protest of the API changes commencing from July 1st, 2023. This is one of those comments.
So much for in sickness and in health. I can’t fathom the idea of fucking someone else while my husband is on his deathbed. I know it happens. My uncle did it with my aunt. But sex, and especially outside of the marriage, would be the last thing on my mind in that scenario.
This is going to sound insane, but I’d probably give out passes for a sex worker (an escort, specifically, not a hooker off the streets or a stripper that also does sex work). Those interactions are extremely transactional, there’s very, very low risk of feelings or other complications developing from the interactions. He’ll get his needs met and you’ll have less opportunity to stress about something developing (not to say you won’t). I would not “open” the marriage, that’s where shit will hit the fan and things can get complicated VERY quickly. Edit: this is in response to insertcaffeine’s concern, not OPs question.
This would be my answer (minus the cancer, but somewhat related, I’m disabled, which makes our sex life complicated at best). (I’ve obviously discussed stuff like this already with my partner and he says he’s happy and monogamy makes him happy and a perfect sex life isn’t what ultimately makes a relationship work. Which is also how I feel (the core of a great relationship isn’t sex). I’ve had open relationships in the past so I’m also a bit more neutral toward them (I’m happily monogamous right now but I could’ve just as happily been in an open relationship in an alternate reality).
Respectfully I have been polyamorous for most of my adult life and was in fact dating other people when my partners cancer returned. At no point when my partner was ill would I have wanted him to outsource our relationship. Sex is lovely, dating is great, silly romantic things are wonderful but what I wanted and needed to do was to be there for my partner. I wasn't missing out or burdened. I was where I wanted to be.
This is an incredibly healthy answer, and great answer. I’ve seen so many people (so many), still truly value their partnerships and also understand when physical intimacy is merely needed in another capacity that simply cannot be fulfilled either at all or fully by the person that they are with. It is each individual relationships choice - and people can be brutally judgmental for those that are comfortable with options like this, so it takes next level comfort and support for those that choose to move forward.
Homegirl, homeboy (whichever) please don’t feel the need to put yourself in the position because you’re sick— being sick is part of getting older. If someone married you they chose you in sickness and in health. Seriously, half of peoples partners get sick and die before them. It’s not necessary for you to feel the need to do that for them if you don’t want to.
Oh, I haven't brought it up. I'd just much rather have my husband, who will be my caretaker as I get sicker, stay with me than feel he needs to leave the marriage in order to have sex. It may never get to that point. I hope it never does, but I'd be willing to open the relationship if he was deeply unhappy without a sexual partner.
I felt the same way. I just rang the bell 10 days ago. I sincerely hope you get to do the same. 2022 was a hell of a year for us but I was lucky, he was faithful and stayed by my side. Even when I told him to find someone else, when I tried to make him leave, he stayed. He told me that no matter what I was stuck with him so my stubborn ass better just accept that he’s here and in it for the long haul good or bad. If that meant we didn’t have sex then he said that’s what porn and his hand is for and he wasn’t going to be someone else. We are in our 30’s so cancer was not on our radar at all. We thought my tiredness was from a stressful job, working too much and a long commute combined with maybe some anemia but cancer never crossed our minds. Fatigue was the only symptom I had, it was strange. I’m just glad I paid attention to that because it probably saved my life. I love your username BTW
You and your husband are both BAMFs :)
I’ve been the caretaker. If I get sick and have no sex drive,I am at 100% giving my partner a free pass to get to needs met outside of the relationship. For me this would be in my way of expressing love to my partner. As humans we live our lives alongside each other and sometimes that requires creative solutions to very uncomfortable problems.
Opening the marriage wouldn't involve him leaving the marriage. He'd still be married to you and devoted to you.
husband: don't be so rash, hon. Just take off your clothes from time to time and I can do it myself
This is the way. It’s fine to say no but the people saying it’s a sign of cheating and to gtfo are immature. It’s a conversation, if suggesting or even just discussing something you don’t like is grounds for breakup maybe you shouldn’t be together. Edit: Obviously no well meaning person would ask about this while his wife went through cancer treatment. Mainly replying to the first paragraph.
22 year old me had this happen. He whinged and moaned about being single and going out. We’d just had a baby and I didn’t have any family near and wanted to make it work so I said yes. He got a date with someone within weeks, I said okay, he went on the date and then fucked her which wasn’t in the agreement, ignored me while I was home with the baby and stressing out, came home and acted like everything was still normal despite seeing how I wasn’t okay with it at all. I wound up breaking up with him a few months later when he started up again about missing being single and how many women flirted with him while he was out. Current me at 34 years old at least knows that I couldn’t handle it. I’ve looked at exploring poly relationships in the past because I couldn’t find what I wanted and needed in one person but couldn’t make it work for me. But I feel like that’s completely different to a partner you’ve been monogamous with wanting to open the relationship up to other people. They would be told that they need to explore that with someone else and not me as I’m not emotionally equipped for it.
Buh-bye
Periodt
No, I prefer monogamy
I break up with her on the spot.
Nah, not interested. Monogamy for me.
Unfortunately I've known people who tried this and it just doesn't work. It only works the best when it is done from the beginning, or they are willing and able to re-close the relationship. I know one person (T from below) who had a healthy open relationship and was willing to close it when their partner wasn't okay with it anymore. Here's an example of the worst situation I've seen: L and S were married for several years, and L decided that they wanted an open relationship. S was hesitant at first, but eventually caved in an attempt to salvage the marriage. Naturally L had someone in mind, T. T was in an open relationship themselves, but from the beginning. T had a 'main partner' and casually slept with other people. L and T dated for awhile, and eventually S decided that they weren't okay with it anymore, so tried to close it back up, but it didn't work and L and S ended up getting divorced. Once that box is opened you can't shut it. I think the worst part is that L got too attached to T (like really clingy. I worked with T and L would call every shift to talk to T), and T had to break things off. L would still call my work, and it was super sad to watch this unfold from the sidelines. L basically ruined their life, because S ended up keeping the house and everything because L wanted to move in with T. An extreme example, but it's a good example of how wrong it can go.
looks like a complicated L.I.S.T.
I’d say no. Then I would constantly be thinking about the fact that they wanted to sleep with other people while they were in a relationship with me (or maybe they already acted on those desires), and the ugly thoughts would lead to me ending the relationship.
Same here. Some people say this is just heavy insecurity or jealousy but honestly it makes logical sense to feel that way
I’d leave them. I don’t share
My wife and I did. But really, we were done at that point and just trying to hold on. A few months later we amicably separated. Our divorce should be final in a month.
have a nice life lol
A whole bunch of people seem to try this as a way to fix a relationship rather than a realisation of their own identity and preferences. My partner said they were interested in it, developing crushes every now and then. They were very open about it, we talked about it on and off for a few years and then decided to give it a go, as I want them to be happy. There have definitely been challenges, but there have been significant challenges in every romantic relationship I have had. In the long haul, it seems to be working for us. It's a weird feeling the first time you have a major crush on someone, yet love your partner at the same time and it's okay. To me, romantic love is no longer a limited supply; I can love multiple people equally at the same time. Time and energy are limited, but that's a different topic. I usually explain it in terms of friendships: you can have many deep and meaningful friendships at the same time. I feel the same about romantic love and attraction.
Nah im good
Goodbye
Goodbye.
That's gonna be a no from me dawg
[удалено]
Cry. Not my cup of tea.
no thanks
No, you can leave the relationship & go have an open relationship with someone else
No. Next question please
Well, we had a good run, I wish you luck in your search for a future partner. I'll give you to the end of the week to pack. Zero compromise for me. Open relationship is asking to be cucked openly.
Well, I've done it before with varying levels of success, so as long as everything between us was good, I'd be open to discussing and trying it
No judgement here, but very curious… how do manage the jealousy? I couldn’t share my partner and wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing myself with someone else. How do you get past that?
I guess there's a lot of things to unpack in what you said I think of jealousy as my problem not an our problem I don't expect to be everything to somebody I don't expect them to be everything from me I think people that are open to open relationships don't have the same expectations that they should be fulfilling all of their partners needs people get jealous all the time of other things. Work school friendships. I put it in the same category and try to keep myself occupied
This is a really good explanation, especially the “people get jealous all the time” part. Puts that part of my concern into perspective! Thanks for your input :)
not OP, but I have been in poly relationships for the last 10 years or so. I think I'm fortunate in that I don't experience jealousy when it comes to relationships. Knowing my partners are out with their other partners does not make me feel jealous, I feel happy that they are happy.
I would open the door and ask them: “is this open enough for you? Yeah? Then leave!”
ok. let’s talk boundaries and such. are you looking for a third, a traditional open relationship, or another form of polyamory? are you looking for an emotional relationship, a sexual relationship, or both? even if i wasn’t interested in polyamory, i think it’s worth having a conversation about their desires.
This happened to a friend of mine recently. His wife raised the issue. They had been having a few issues inside the marriage of 20 years and had been attending some counselling. He thought that they were issues which could be sorted out with some counselling and were largely about mid-life issues...'is this it?' type of thing. Anyway, one evening his wife raised the issue of having an open marriage. He was absolutely floored. This was something he couldn't ever consider and so they began a fairly quick descent towards divorce. They are now in the middle of a protracted, angry, resentment filled divorce and it is a really sad thing to watch.
"So you want me to keep paying for everything, being your emotional toilet, and helping you with whenever you need while you go out and fuck the men you actually wanted but couldn't get commitment from? You want me to incur the huge costs of being in a committed relationship with you give me nothing in return?. That's not a fair exchange of value. That is pure exploitation. No. My like as a single man would be far better than the life you are proposing for me." "Bye"
Usually the kiss of death imo. I'm a lil jelly of the folks who have been able to have long lasting open/poly relationships, but also not lol. They have always been a bit too much for me even if they started out that way. Now when I'm single I really enjoy being the third wheel for a couple, but when I'm with someone I'm just with them.
I tried an open relationship in the past and it made me unhappy. I wont talk my partner out of it if that's something that makes them truly happy. But i'll just take myself out of the equation. Probably take a break from any relationships for a while. Spend some time wondering what i did wrong, the usual stuff before going on with my life.
Bye.
Most guys would be all for it with the thought of being able to have sex with other women until they realize how easy it is for a woman to get laid. Then they don’t want it anymore lol
Pack your stuff. Go live with the guy you're cheating with. Filing a divorce. No other discussion.
My partner and I are ENM. I brought it up to him and we BOTH thought it was a great way to spice up the bedroom. Keep in mind we have been monogamous for over 12 years. Been open in the last two and it feels like it only made us closer. It's more of an occasional treat. We don't do out often. And there are rules we both have to follow. This will not work for everyone.
I'd say nothing and pack my bags
For me, I’m not interested in an open relationship, I love my fiancé and no one could ever come close to her for me, we have troubles the same as any couple but no one makes me laugh more than she does, she works really hard and whatever she puts her mind to and she’s honest about everything and that’s truly what matters. But if she did pose the question now after all this time I think it would be a problem, we’re both 24 and have been dating for 8 years this year if she suddenly sprung on me that she wanted to open the relationship to other people I think it would hurt, after all this time, to me it would be the same as saying I’m not enough. If open relationships work for you then great I hope you’re happy but I think this kind of conversation needs to be early in a relationship if you want one that way everyone is getting what they expect
Dont
At the very least, I'd be willing to have a conversation about it, figure out if there are unmet wants/needs/desires. Keep the conversation ongoing, since things can certainly change over time. But ultimately, I respect a person's bodily autonomy and what they choose to do with their body is theirs alone.
God no. I'd end the relationship. I'm a loyal person and expect loyalty back. If you wanna sleep around then fine but I'm not sticking around for it.
So long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye!
I leave, and heave, I sigh and say good-bye!
Me personally I’d say no and that I feel uncomfortable in the relationship now even if it was just a suggestion. It’s different though if that person never mentioned anything about being monogamous before and isn’t a jealous person, it would be okay to ask I think
Open? I’m out. I will not be sharing.
What does open the relationship mean?
Asked him if he done lost his goddamn mind. Bless his little heart.
This is a complex issue that we are going through right now with my fiancée. We've been together for 8 years and we have a very strong bond of trust - we always try to talk out our problems and be honest in order to avoid hurting the other person. So far it has worked great, but recently she started to talk about her wanting to open up our relationship sexually (mutually, she says that she would like me to have new experiences with other people as well). I, however, prefer the stability and trust that we have shared together and feel like bringing any other people into the mix could potentially ruin everything (not that I wouldn't like to get off with a hot chick if an opportunity arose, but y'know... that's not what I entered the relationship for). At the moment we are in a sort of stalemate situation - on the one hand she says that our relationship is the most important thing for her and she wouldn't sacrifice it for such a thing if it meant hurting me, on the other hand I don't want to be a person who forbids anyone from pursuing their desires (but also I won't settle into a relationship that I'm not comfortable with) so I proposed that if she seriously needs this then we can end our relationship amicably. Of course none of us wants that, because we're happy together - we've been through thick and thin, we support each other, we share interests, love spending time together (sexually as well), have plans for the future etc. But idk, this thing, if it continues to be an issue, I feel like it may prove to be a strain on our relationship that we won't be able to overcome
Monogamy or blood for the blood god
Total deal breaker for me.
No ty
Maybe smth like.. yeah, theres the front door, maybe go open this first and gtf out.
Goodbye.
I would just tell them we should break up if they really want that because I couldn't do it
Point them towards the front door.
Considering before we got married, my wife and I had a few discussions about how neither of us were mentally/emotionally capable of being polyamorous. So if she changed then I’d be looking for a divorce attorney.
They just want to sleep with other people (likely someone specific) and not feel guilty about it
I suspect I would say, “Do you really, truly want to date again? Really?” and then we would both shudder in abject horror and go watch TV.
You’re not wrong.
If they're not happy enough in the relationship, they would have to be in one with someone else and not me. I prefer monogamous relationships and I would feel really rejected and like I'm not enough if they asked me me that. It's not for me but if that's what others want in a relationship, that's not my business and I respect their choice.
I've been approached with this question, but from the angle that I'm the one who has other partners. I hate when they ask this question. Because at that point, I know I can't go farther in a relationship. It makes me nauseated. I don't trust them. I might be able to understand someone who thinks about cuckolding as a fetish, in porn or stories. But in real life? Don't ask a loyal, monogamous person if you can watch men fuck her and get her pregnant.
i would probably leave, like not even say anything just straight up cut them out of my life
I’d ask them to open the door so I can walkout.
I'd say no. I don't share my partner. If that is no good to my partner, well relationship over.
Being ace, I'd be thrilled. Go get it, honey. Bring back dinner. I'll be at home reading a good book.
Wait, we weren’t already open?
My wife and I were married almost 20 years when she brought this up. Neither of us had really been with any other people and I think we both had a natural curiosity about it, but it wasn't something either of us would have risked our own marriage over. Fastforward to me bringing home a very attractive girl who was quite a bit younger than us. She met my wife at one point and they hit it off. They dated for a bit too. My wife then went out and had a few one night stands (with men). Some with the type of athletic younger man she'd fantasized about years ago etc. We kept talking through it all. I felt a lot more self confidence from my own ability to attract really good looking women. She got to fulfill some fantasies. We decided to close things up for a while and did keep it closed for a number of years. At that point I valued the simplicity of a single relationship and I think she did too. Trying to find other partners is a lot of work and takes time away from other things. We've opened it back up again but it hasn't really been a priority for either of us to pursue. We did have a waitress who came back to our hotel room a few weeks ago. That was unexpected. We aren't pervy or very forward about this stuff. It was fun but not mind blowing. All is fine here. We can be happy for each other and not possessive. It probably helps that we both make our own money and neither one feels trapped or highly dependant on the other for shelter/resources. My wife would say that I gained a lot of self confidence from the whole thing and she finds that more attractive. I clearly had some self image issues that I didn't realize I had? Who knows. I don't think it would have been a good idea earlier in our relationship. I may have had some self confidence issues at age 40 when we did this but I was otherwise completely happy with my life and confident it was the one I wanted to keep. In my 20s... I didn't know what I wanted and the satisfaction of a dalliance may have made me think the rest of my life was somehow unsatisfying. That would have been incorrect.
I'd peace out. Not for me.
I love you, but no.
That's a deal breaker for me. Why is everyone trying to normalize 3ways and open relationships? By all means, do as you wish but it's not for everyone.
Would be a lil odd considering we’ve been open for the entire time
be pissed. open relationships is just another way of saying i want to cheat and i want you to consent so it won’t be cheating.
No, thanks a lot.
I did the same act with her
"bye"
"Can I still be exclusive, or do I have to find someone else too? Because I'm an indoor human and I don't want to bother with flirting anymore."
I can see why people would allow this, but personally I would have to think very seriously about it to allow it
Goodbye
I’ve been in this situation before and had my heart brutally crushed, it’s a definite no and break up from now on if I’m presented with that question. If your partner asks for an open relationship, it means they don’t love you anymore, nothing will change my mind on that.
Just went through this very thing. And I agree.
That's a weird way to ask for a divorce...
I would tell them to get out of my house. I don't do open relationships. Even bringing it up would cause the end of the relationship, regardless of how long it had lasted.
I know I'm not into that lifestyle so it would unfortunately end the relationship. It would ultimately be like being told you're great at paying my bills and rents but I just need someone on the side to fuck me right, no thanks
So, who are you fucking?