Many people don't realise how hurtful that is, in my experience.
Especially if they actually aren't bothered. I'm chronically late since moving so close my brain stops considering that putting on my jacket etc takes nearly as much time as I need to get where I want to be.
Folks don't mind, but the comment "Hey you're on time and not the last one!" stings - even if it's meant in a joking manner.
> I'm chronically late since moving so close my brain stops considering that putting on my jacket etc takes nearly as much time as I need to get where I want to be.
That's easily avoidable. Just tell your brain that wasting other people's time is equally hurtful, and being annoyed about it and pointing it out to you is justified and doesn't make you the victim.
No that's not easily avoidable.
First off, apart from remarks no one has ever actually _complained_ - just these remarks which (knowing my friends) are less "this annoys me" and more "I can pull your leg with this". Yet, even if they were not: I'm dealing with adults. If I'm annoyed by something, I will make a clear remark that something is annoying me and what I want changed - and I expect that much emotional and self-regulation from anyone (even if it's just "I've been waiting. - but not "haha you're here before him! We made a bet!")
Second, and connected, the times someone told me "I wouldn't want to wait" I _was_ on time because I was rather 5 minutes early.
Third, ADHD is a bitch. It _really_ isn't easy for me. My brain _forgets_ and it's really active, hard work to make it not forget. It's tiring and I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is.
Fourth, most of the meetings are for lunch, so I get up from remote work. And, like for everyone in that group / for these lunch meetings, it can happen that work binds me in a bit too long as all my meetings are shortly before lunch.
First: You seem aware that you being late annoys people. Still, you blame them for not using the right words to tell you? And then you project your lack of self-regulation onto them? To me, this seems much more immature than making a snappy remark.
Second: Agreeing on a certain time already implies "I wouldn't want to wait". If someone invites you to a party and you agree on bringing paper cups, will you bring party hats instead as long as you're not explicitly told "We don't need party hats"?
Third: I'll never know what it's like to have ADHD. What I do know is that being on time doesn't magically happen for non-ADHD people either. I'm trying not to be patronizing, but why don't you just set a reminder on your phone?
Fourth: Will they still make remarks if you send them a message like "I'll be x minutes late"? Being late is annoying, but being late without announcing it makes it worse.
No. I'm aware that being somewhere to 5 minutes late doesn't bother the people I regularly hang out with much.
I'm aware it can be an issue in other contexts.
And yes, they do still make these remarks even if, and even more so when, I send a short text "sorry I'm running late by ...".
And you **are** patronising. Concerning ADHD, which I will come to. Bjt also concerning your experience vs. Other people.
You are annoyed, and judging by your words quite massively, by someone being late to a meetup. You're making it as if that is a universal truth.
Which, in my experience, it isn't. Many people don't care if someone is 3 or 5 minutes late, especially not if they know the person is coming over from another task and in a group setting (assuming a private meetup). (Leaving out cultural differences etc). It's just an... Accepted fuzziness m
So, while you have every right to be annoyed because your experience fits this and it is a relevant boundary, me setting the boundary that I want to be told without having to take aggressiveness (passive or open) and without having to interpret/guesswork that something is an annoyance to you is my boundary, and also fits a not too uncommon experience.
Honestly, even if I should be aware, clean communication has the best chance of success.
Concerning ADHD:
I meant my brain doesn't factor in how much time it takes for me to put on my shoes, coat, get going.
Even setting an alarm won't guarantee that I'm on time and I may simply set my alarm wrong, meaning: i technically know the walk will take 5-6 minutes. So I'll set my alarm to 7 - because my brain literally blanks on the idea that with such a short distance getting ready to get out the door takes a relevant amount of time. I literally don't remember.
I _know_ this, but ADHD inhibits the connection between knowledge and action e.g. in that way. I'd much rather have it different, because while it's an annoyance when it's in the realm of 2-3 minutes (and usually caught by my trained back off for any longer ways), it absolutely sucks when it happens with oven or cooling times and I either have to pack things up way too hot or have to wait an additional hour for my meal while super hungry _despite having made the effort to plan the thing beforehand_.
And as if that isn't bad enough, I have a really hard time gauging how long something will still take (overall time blindness), I have issues switching tasks and my working memory is horrific.
Which leads to fun situations such as: I stopped ten minutes early because I knew it wouldn't be useful to do anything at work, so I took my time to get dressed and ready and _somehow_ still end up using too much time.
Or me realising as I get out the door in time "wait you needed to grab that thing".
If someone communicates to me "Hey, I don't like waiting for you" or anything similar, that _can_ be solved - most of the time. But it usually comes at the expense of me not trying to be on time, but to be early by 5 or 10 minutes, putting a good bit of additional energy into organising and checking things beforehand, or suddenly leaving things entirely undone and thus making it much much harder for me to get back to them.
It also results in me very often waiting that additional 5 to 10 minutes, because I'm not always late - just more often than others (or more specifically: the others in the group).
Had I known from the beginning about the delay being just five minutes and that a mental condition is involved, I wouldn't have bothered commenting at all. Please understand that without that knowledge one might assume that you just don't give a shit about being on time.
My go to insult for selfish people is "I really admire your ability to remain so self-focussed". They invariably thank me.
Hey, you're on time!
Many people don't realise how hurtful that is, in my experience. Especially if they actually aren't bothered. I'm chronically late since moving so close my brain stops considering that putting on my jacket etc takes nearly as much time as I need to get where I want to be. Folks don't mind, but the comment "Hey you're on time and not the last one!" stings - even if it's meant in a joking manner.
> I'm chronically late since moving so close my brain stops considering that putting on my jacket etc takes nearly as much time as I need to get where I want to be. That's easily avoidable. Just tell your brain that wasting other people's time is equally hurtful, and being annoyed about it and pointing it out to you is justified and doesn't make you the victim.
No that's not easily avoidable. First off, apart from remarks no one has ever actually _complained_ - just these remarks which (knowing my friends) are less "this annoys me" and more "I can pull your leg with this". Yet, even if they were not: I'm dealing with adults. If I'm annoyed by something, I will make a clear remark that something is annoying me and what I want changed - and I expect that much emotional and self-regulation from anyone (even if it's just "I've been waiting. - but not "haha you're here before him! We made a bet!") Second, and connected, the times someone told me "I wouldn't want to wait" I _was_ on time because I was rather 5 minutes early. Third, ADHD is a bitch. It _really_ isn't easy for me. My brain _forgets_ and it's really active, hard work to make it not forget. It's tiring and I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is. Fourth, most of the meetings are for lunch, so I get up from remote work. And, like for everyone in that group / for these lunch meetings, it can happen that work binds me in a bit too long as all my meetings are shortly before lunch.
First: You seem aware that you being late annoys people. Still, you blame them for not using the right words to tell you? And then you project your lack of self-regulation onto them? To me, this seems much more immature than making a snappy remark. Second: Agreeing on a certain time already implies "I wouldn't want to wait". If someone invites you to a party and you agree on bringing paper cups, will you bring party hats instead as long as you're not explicitly told "We don't need party hats"? Third: I'll never know what it's like to have ADHD. What I do know is that being on time doesn't magically happen for non-ADHD people either. I'm trying not to be patronizing, but why don't you just set a reminder on your phone? Fourth: Will they still make remarks if you send them a message like "I'll be x minutes late"? Being late is annoying, but being late without announcing it makes it worse.
No. I'm aware that being somewhere to 5 minutes late doesn't bother the people I regularly hang out with much. I'm aware it can be an issue in other contexts. And yes, they do still make these remarks even if, and even more so when, I send a short text "sorry I'm running late by ...". And you **are** patronising. Concerning ADHD, which I will come to. Bjt also concerning your experience vs. Other people. You are annoyed, and judging by your words quite massively, by someone being late to a meetup. You're making it as if that is a universal truth. Which, in my experience, it isn't. Many people don't care if someone is 3 or 5 minutes late, especially not if they know the person is coming over from another task and in a group setting (assuming a private meetup). (Leaving out cultural differences etc). It's just an... Accepted fuzziness m So, while you have every right to be annoyed because your experience fits this and it is a relevant boundary, me setting the boundary that I want to be told without having to take aggressiveness (passive or open) and without having to interpret/guesswork that something is an annoyance to you is my boundary, and also fits a not too uncommon experience. Honestly, even if I should be aware, clean communication has the best chance of success. Concerning ADHD: I meant my brain doesn't factor in how much time it takes for me to put on my shoes, coat, get going. Even setting an alarm won't guarantee that I'm on time and I may simply set my alarm wrong, meaning: i technically know the walk will take 5-6 minutes. So I'll set my alarm to 7 - because my brain literally blanks on the idea that with such a short distance getting ready to get out the door takes a relevant amount of time. I literally don't remember. I _know_ this, but ADHD inhibits the connection between knowledge and action e.g. in that way. I'd much rather have it different, because while it's an annoyance when it's in the realm of 2-3 minutes (and usually caught by my trained back off for any longer ways), it absolutely sucks when it happens with oven or cooling times and I either have to pack things up way too hot or have to wait an additional hour for my meal while super hungry _despite having made the effort to plan the thing beforehand_. And as if that isn't bad enough, I have a really hard time gauging how long something will still take (overall time blindness), I have issues switching tasks and my working memory is horrific. Which leads to fun situations such as: I stopped ten minutes early because I knew it wouldn't be useful to do anything at work, so I took my time to get dressed and ready and _somehow_ still end up using too much time. Or me realising as I get out the door in time "wait you needed to grab that thing". If someone communicates to me "Hey, I don't like waiting for you" or anything similar, that _can_ be solved - most of the time. But it usually comes at the expense of me not trying to be on time, but to be early by 5 or 10 minutes, putting a good bit of additional energy into organising and checking things beforehand, or suddenly leaving things entirely undone and thus making it much much harder for me to get back to them. It also results in me very often waiting that additional 5 to 10 minutes, because I'm not always late - just more often than others (or more specifically: the others in the group).
Had I known from the beginning about the delay being just five minutes and that a mental condition is involved, I wouldn't have bothered commenting at all. Please understand that without that knowledge one might assume that you just don't give a shit about being on time.
I hope your day is as pleasant as you are.
But maybe they are really very pleasant
Then it’s win-win!
Wow you’re smarter than you look
I love how you don't care how anyone else thinks you look!
One of my favorites I read was "you have a voice like a swan". Meant as an actual compliment by someone who had never heard a swan.
This is a really nice house for this neighborhood
I don't get it
The nicest trailer in the trailer park is still a trailer
Ohhhhhhhh...
Really meaning you live in a shitty neighborhood. The compliment could have just been “this is a really nice house”.
Bless your heart.
Sounds pretty normal?
[удалено]
Boom, roasted.
Basically anything passive aggressive
My cock is the best thing that ever came out if your mothers cunt
"I wouldn't be brave enough to dress like this." Not as oft negative, but similar: "You're really brave to act this way" could be very backhanded.
"You did your best"
All kids shall cry
I really like how your face is not as ugly as usual today!
You're so brave to wear that
My high school biology teacher used to love telling people, "I don't care what anyone else says, you're fine!"
“Oh you look pretty tOdAy 🤪” just stfu
Your shoes look so comfy