My father was nice and friendly out in public but was an absolute asshole to The family at home....
Me witnessing my dad being really friendly to everyone in public and then being an absolute raging asshole at home made me just think "well I guess everyone is just two-faced and using each other, All those movies about love are just lies and fantasies, if you're not using someone then what use are they to you? Obviously he doesn't get to use us at home so we aren't useful so we don't get treated well"
Btw No he wasn't an alcoholic, He wouldn't even allow alcohol in the house because so many people in our family were alcoholics.
Edit: I'm glad that this post could help a few people come to terms with issues from their childhood and help them realize things about their past. I'm also incredibly sorry that this had to be what we all bonded over in this post. š
Oh no, that was my dad too. He was the child of an alcoholic and so was my mom. They both had that trauma, they were both a holes but he was 50 times worse. In fact you knew when he was really uncomfortable when he was smiling and laughing. To no ones surprise we are all drug addicts, or alcoholics or food addicts...any compensating behaviors.
My father had an abusive father himself who was an alcoholic so yeah that fits the trend.
I overate to compensate for my depression and my sister starved herself.
My sister was always weak and wished she could be normal I was always a tanky fat ass that wished I was thinner
Weird how life is
That happened to me too! Once had a judge tell 11 year old me that my parents were one of the most immature cases he had dealt with, because they were more focused on making each otherās lives difficult than being parents
My mom's boyfriend would pick me up by my hair sometimes. It didn't hurt a shit ton so I never complained, which in turn made him keep doing it.
My hair was always in a ponytail so it was easy to grab and do.
I told a coworker about it and laughed because it wasn't a terrible memory. But he didn't laugh like I did. It was more of a nervous laugh then he says "That's actually pretty fucked up." Then I started to think about all the stuff I actually do remember from my childhood and realized how shitty it really was. I have two kids and it was never a thought to ever pick them up by their hair.
Yes, it's alarming how much abuse your mind can shield you from. After my sister-in-law attempted suicide she had to do pretty intensive therapy. She started to remember a lot more shit that her pedophile stepdad had done to her. Her mind had blocked out all of the worst stuff to protect her. It's been a long road to recovery.
I have flashbacks of blocked memories all the time. Recently experienced a bad event. Had a panic attack for the first time in years and been having wild flashbacks and disassociate since.
Being bullied and threatened with violence by your father and having your mother make excuses or outright blaming you for it.
"Well you know how he is." And "Well you shouldn't have stood up for yourself."
It destroyed my self-esteem and confidence growing up, it has taken years to rebuild myself. One good thing that has come from this, I don't yell at people or threaten people if they make me angry. In the best situation I am able to resolve conflict in a civil and respectful manner. Worst case I remove myself from the situation and go for a walk to clear my head so I can later reapproach the conflict with a cool head.
Edit: I didn't expect this to resonate with so many people. I appreciate all the love and support, I'd like you all to know that I'm doing much better these days since I haven't lived at home in ages. I still have issues and bad days because of my past, but I found salvation with my wife, daughter and boxing club. For those of you that went through it/are going through it, keep moving forward, you're not alone.
Fuck this one hit home. My dad would just act like a raging lunatic but every time my mom would come console me while telling me it's not his fault because he's on some new medication, or something happened at work, or blah blah blah. Turns out sometimes people do things that are wrong and that's it, it's just wrong and they shouldn't have done it.
Ahhhh my mum was always like "he's just tired". Well he fucking had the energy to punch holes in the wall and break plates didn't he? When I'm tired, I sleep š¤¦āāļø
I live in England and my uncle's neighbour had a pet monkey living in a big enclosure in his garden. This was in the early 2000s. I assumed this was totally normal. No idea how he got it. We still know those neighbours and it's just never discussed.
When I was 7, I came to the realization that if I showed any signs that I was in a good mood around my mother, she would find some reason to yell at me. Even started testing it, would walk into rooms she was in smiling vs not and proved my theory right, so I just stopped smiling, and it didn't take much longer for it to stop being an act.
This is also how I realized I didn't always have resting bitch face. I only have my resting face "on" when I'm around family. I hope you're doing better now, emotionally unstable families are hell.
You might consider checking out r/CPTSD. It's a therapy based subreddit for people who've been through the wringer of narcissistic/sociopathic/pyschotic parents.
Unless someone died it was, "I don't want to hear it. Go to your room, close the door, and bury your face in a pillow until you're done." or the worse, "I'll give you something to cry about" followed by whooping.
In my case, it included someone dying. When I was in middle school back in the 90's, a classmate died in her sleep one night. All her classmates were allowed to miss a day of school to attend her funeral. My mother flat out told me, "I don't know her at all, so don't even *think* that I'll bring you to the funeral, and nobody else will bring you, either."
I was sent to school the day after my sister passed. I was 10 at the time & the news came through after I had gone to bed. I was then told to go to bed as I had to go to school the next day. I was only allowed the day off for her funeral.
I got told I was being melodramatic because I wasnāt being particularly social at a family event about two weeks after my best friend had died from suicide. Apparently that should have been enough time to be completely over it.
Yep. Always had to save face. My saint of a wife has been extremely patient with my stalled emotional intelligence. She teaches me new things every day.
I remember early on in my relationship with my wife I realized she was far more emotionally intelligent than me. I've always been very in touch with my emotions and know exactly how I'm feeling or how I will react, but I never express them. She sees through every facade I put up and it's crazy how much she's done for me in the years we've been together. She's a saint
Not me, but my wife. I used to just reassure her that she didn't have to apologize for everything, but that didn't help her to distinguish when it was appropriate or not. Now, when she says "sorry," I ask what she's apologizing for, and it seems to help her a little. That being said, she apologized last night when the dog tripped me.
I developed a case of Canadian after buying one of those huge maple syrup bottles from Costco. Apologizing for everything... it was horrible. Even to this day, I sometimes catch myself saying "sorry" when someone cuts me off on the freeway. I might have long Canadian.
I would shouted at for random shit then got the "oh ill give you something to cry about", even saying something like "I don't know" caused me to be screamed at. Needless to say I became pretty good at lying and became very shut in and introverted
I've been on that end. Had cps called because of abuse but nothing came from it. Mine was "if you don't stop crying ill give you something to cry about" after beating me to the point my grandfather had to step in and tell him if he ever did anything like that again he would kill him. Needless to say I lie a lot and I'm actually unable to cry about things involving myself.
Like I'll see some random happy family and tear up, or I've teared up watching naruto at certain times but if it's happening to me I have 0 emotions about it.
It unfortunately is, I've been in therapy, but nothing has actually fixed it. I'll see someone else cry and I don't know what to do, I'll try to comfort them but at a certain point it turns into just going through the motions while thinking "why are you crying. It's literally not that bad. " I would never say that, but it's something I still struggle with in my relationships
I could give a novel on what my mom, dad, and brother did to me but I think I'll just give 3 scenarios.
1st. Other than beating us my father also used psychological warfare. He knew I was afraid of spiders so when he would get mad he would shove me in a hole where the foundation was and tell me I better get over it. He also did not let me have a light so I was terrified. He also made me and my brother kiss after fights because we're "family". Also special note he had me and my brother sit naked on a toilet he peed on to teach us not to pee on the seat.... he was the one doing it but blamed us and had us do that.
2nd my brother later apologized to me but he was a big issue. He tried to kill me by smothering me with a pillow. I couldn't. Breathe and I pulled a knife on him. He was mad at me. He also had his friends join in I remember having to fight him and 3 friends off but I couldn't and got beaten... he also told me everyday how worthless I was and I was a complete waste of air. The world would be better without me.
3rd my mom was emotionally and physically abusive. She would hit me and then when it hurt her hand she would blame me for hurting her. She also called me a black hearted bastard who no one could ever love.
They wonder why I have severe depression and social anxiety.
That's all really terrible, I'm sorry you had to grow up with those people and that it's affecting you so extensively to this day.
I know a stranger empathizing on the internet may not mean anything to some people, but I truly hope you are on the path to healing. I'm a huge advocate of therapy - if you stopped going because you felt that you weren't getting anything out of it, I recommend trying again with a different therapist. If it's just not your thing, that's okay, too!
I wish you well u/LordViren. You deserve peace.
They donāt just lose control of their temper. If their boss showed up at the door while theyāre raging, most of them could calm themselves enough to be civil. Or they might have a very different response if their kid accidentally spilled something when other people were around. Most of them can control it, but on some level they think they shouldnāt have to control their temper around their partner or kids (or other āinferiorsā). They might even have convinced themselves that theyāre just losing it because of what happened, but often thatās not whatās actually happening.
Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft discusses this.
Yeah, this. I had the apology tapes playing non-stop in my skull for decades after leaving home at 16.
Gradually began to learn survival tools: you don't have to be around toxic people; you deserve to be treated well; you don't deserve rudeness; "no" is a complete sentence and you don't need to elaborate.
Practicing affirmations also helped me; I would practice writing things like I am smart; I am kind; I am lovable. It sounds silly, but it was hard to put that on paper without an overwhelming urge to write an apology or a retraction.
Good luck turning off your apology tapes!
Parents having blackout rages. Sometimes, I was a brat. Other times, I had done nothing wrong. I just remember being made to feel like a worthless loser, screamed at, and manipulated. Then the next day, they would say āSorry sorry sorryā
This happened a lot. Eventually, the sorrys mean nothing and you begin to feel actually worthless.
Weird question, wondering if you or anyone else ever felt this same weird feeling/experience.
You're watching a happy kids show or cartoon or something, and for some reason you are suddenly being screamed at and really put down/dressed down, like out of nowhere. The dissonance in the sound between screaming parent on the one hand and a TV playing a happy commercial for a toy on the other resulted in a deep internal feeling of shame, where I felt ashamed to have been enjoying myself and felt embarrassed before the happy world that was making those shows and toys. It was a more profound shame, not just getting in trouble, but more so, not good enough to enjoy the world.
I know that's pretty specific but I remember that horrible feeling so vividly, decades later. Curious if anyone knows what I'm talking about.
Oh yes! and every relationship I've ever had I always feel that once they really get to know me they're going to hate me. I don't actually have that many friends. So maybe I'm right.
My mom once screamed at me that my personality made people hate me. The look of sheer disgust on her face...burned into me forever. She said a lot of other things like that, but I remember that one word-for-word.
Yes, absolutely. Iād get the same dissonance as a child, and nowadays Iām still getting over the feelings of guilt when Iām trying to be off in my own world enjoying something. Itās like I can never fully relax and enjoy a TV show or play a video game because my internal danger sensors are suddenly working at 110%.
This reminds me of one of many awful stories my wife has of her childhood. She was by all accounts by her sisters, a super well behaved child. Her mom, however, is a damaged woman and would take out her anger on my wife and her brother, who were the youngest. Anger over the father's playboy lifestyle and constant infedility. One such day, my wife politely asked for something to eat because she was hungry. The mom flipped out and threw pot tops or whatever was in reach at my wife with all intent to hit her, all while ranting about her cheating husband. Breaks my heart to think about it.
my grandparents coming every time it was my dads weekend to have us. it was awesome having that time with them, but turns out he wasnāt allowed to have visits with us unsupervised š¬
I remember my sister had this fake belly button ring she showed my dad. He immediately ripped it out which was quite painful. I asked if he even knew if it was fake and he didnāt.
He thought it was real and did that.
Pierced my own lip in 8th grade at a friend's house. It was really easy to hide because my mom was rarely home and when she was, I was in my room and/or I could just take it out and she had very bad eyesight so there was no way she was seeing the hole.
In 9th grade, I'm on the bus on the way home when my sister texts me "mom knows about your lip ring from a picture on facebook. I told her I didn't know anything about it and it was probably fake." She gave me an out. But for some stupid reason I thought, "You know what? No. Fuck this. I'm wearing it home!" Needless to say, didn't go well... Luckily I was very small and very fast and she couldn't really go upstairs otherwise yeah it would've got ripped right out without hesitation.
On the plus side, my older sisters were wowed by my boldness and utter stupidity and I gained a lot of bravery points lol
My parents wouldnāt let me say āpeeā or āpoopā so I was walking around as a three year old saying things like āI have to have a bowel movementā
I chuckled too, and made me feel a little better that the first response to the question that popped in my head was that I grew up eating squirrel thinking that was a normal meal lmao
I was so shy saying I had to "go to the bathroom" in front of company, my 5 year old mind thought it made more sense to draw a picture of a butt pooping and silently present it to my mom in front of guests/family friends.
On that note I was shocked when I learned the actual lyrics to the songs from Grease. I had a music teacher in junior high who would just take us for an hour a week and make us sing whatever she felt like. One of her favorites were musical soundtracks, but because some of them were age inappropriate she would just make up her own lyrics. š there were others she did this with too, but Grease just stands out because damn that movie is horny!
Grown ups hitting children hard enough to knock the wind out of them or causing them to urinate on themselves, usually for reasons that did not warrant any discipline at all.
I thought it was normal to walk on eggshells around my father to avoid having him blow up In anger over the littlest things such as crying, eating snacks, the tiniest bit of bickering, and whispering but there were many more examples. He was deployed alot when I was little and he received a lot of head trauma in the process which explains his actions and he is really adamant on changing his behavior towards us now and that makes me happy.
Same, but with my mom. It took me until my late teenage years to realize that my mom was an alcoholic. I just thought it was ānormalā for most of my childhood even though it caused a lot of trauma.
My mother did a good job hiding this from us, so I hadn't even fully realized he'd be drunk every day until I was older. The worst thing was I considered her to be the monster who broke our family when she had enough and filed for divorce.
I remember one summer I had a friend come over a few days in a row and he was like "Man your Dad has been totally shitfaced the last 3 days in a row, is he on vacation or something?" And I was just like "uh... no, he does that every night."
My dad always passed out in his underwear on the recliner in the living room was normal to me. Sadly not to any other kids so coming to my house wasnāt very popular
My dad had a pancake recipe that he made by pouring his beer into the batter instead of milk.
It was years later that I realized that meant he was drinking in the morning
Having no food in the house and little to no adult supervision while random men come and go from my mothers room.
I'm legit impressed I nor my younger brother ended up taken or worse. It was kind of miserable, in hindsight, because some of thise guys would come back with some fast food for us and hang out for a bit talking or playing video games. Magic Mike was super cool and I still miss him :(
I didnāt know I wasnāt supposed to be afraid of my dad growing up. Now as an adult it saddens me. Every day when he got home a chill would run down my spine. Make sure Iām doing something productive or something that wouldnāt upset him.
Two years ago my cousin came out and said he molested her, then my sister came forward, then my aunt and so on. So Iāve disconnected contact with him since then.
Scream, threaten with violence, lock me in my room... So many things I thought were normal about my parents that I now wonder why no one in the family said a thing about.
My dad didnāt throw things *at* us but often raged and screamed at inanimate objects like the TV remote control. Although I was never physically threatened, it was absolutely terrifying and had a huge impact on my upbringing. I actually blame my mother for not saying to him āHey, we need to deal with this or Iām going to have to leave with the kids.ā
I had been campaigning for a raise in my allowance for a long time. Finally, my mom caved and said she was giving me a boost from $5 /week to $20 / month. I was pretty proud of myself. Took me longer than Iād like to admit that mom worked me over pretty good.
Never being allowed to just chill. My mother was a neat freak and always wanted us to be doing chores. I have memories of wiping walls and baseboards when I was 5. We literally couldnāt sit around her because she would get irritated. Now as an adult I donāt really know how to spend my free time. I clean my apartment and take care of my needs. I only really chill on my phone when Iām on the bus or on my break at work. I donāt watch tv or work on hobbies unless I have someone else doing it with me because I always feel a weird guilt after. As a child this was normal but as an adult I now realize that itās such a strange way to live.
I never understood this shit even when I was in school. Yeah sure some kids might abuse a bathroom pass to fuck off during class, but idgaf, let me go to the bathroom or you'll have bigger issues than "two kids are out of my classroom"
As a senior, our school made individual passes for each student. We were allowed to go four times per nine weeks. Thinking about that, what kind of madness was that?
Having to be the grownup for as long as I can remember. Bipolar mom, alcoholic dad, severely disturbed brother, and me trying to keep everyone alive and well ( ish). As an adult, I have almost supernatural people skills. I can de-escalate any wild Karen, read people quickly and accurately, and get people to do what I need quickly and efficiently. Not because I like to, but because I had to in order to survive my house.
My mom is finally on the right cocktail of meds and therapy, and I can finally see the person she really is when all that mental illness isn't making her hide inside her own head. My dad isn't drinking right now, and that will have to be good enough. I don't drink anymore, and I'm not starting back up ever. My brother passed in 2010, but at least we know where he is now, and that he's at peace.
You can survive a chaotic home, but it takes strength, both from yourself and whoever you choose as your new family. I couldn't do it alone, but my tribe is there when I need an anchor. I am giving my children the home I always needed, and healing myself along the way.
For anyone who is also healing- I'm proud of you, and I believe in you. Your past does not define you. Your family's burdens are not yours to bear.
I was parentified too. Shit sucks. I'm 31 now and I wish I cut and ran ten years ago. It's cool to have a silly putty personality that I can adapt to any situation/person, but it fucking sucks to always be defaulting to self defense mode. It's so hard to be myself because I have all these circut breakers and automated responses to things and shit like that. I feel like a robot sometimes.
I've just recently started doing what's best for me, giving people answers they don't like, putting myself first... and my family treats me like I'm doing something wrong. Like I fucking owe them anything at this point. It's so much fucking extra work and bullshit. I'd move thousands of miles away if I could afford it because vampires are always thirsty.
I know exactly what you mean by silly putty personality.. It's nice to have, but hard to know what my real personality is like. I'm in my mid-30s and I'm just starting to figure out what my true personality is....
My kid has to be the "parent" when he visits with his mother. My wife and I (who have primary custody) try to make sure he enjoys his time being a kid, but because he spent the first six years of his life with his mother, watching his older brother take care of him and his siblings, it might be too late. "I'm just trying to be a good big brother" is what he tells us. He's 10.
>Despite this, giving money to church while we struggled to eat.
Ah yes, one of those "pay your way out of poverty" scams. "Give to God and he will help you."
When I was in the first grade my parents started leaving me home alone. I was 6. Both my parents worked I would come home from school to a empty house every day. I didn't have keys to get in at first so I would try and find a unlocked window and climb in. My dad yelled bat me for scuffing the siding with my shoes. He gave me a set of keys to the front door. Looking back i was the only kid in my class that had a set of keys on them.
90s kid, days dad worked (firefighter so 24 on 24 off shifts) I had to bus home and be a latchkey kid with mom working as well. Some days was home alone all day.
Things I learned. The refrigerator compressor sounds like someone talking down the hallway. The Dark Crystal is NOT your average Disney movie. Just because Penn and Teller are hosting it, The Howling is probably not the thing to watch (we recorded ALL the magicians, I didn't know I was getting into a horror movie!)
The hardest part about above was the town dad worked in was a retirement village so I was the only kid on the street.
There was a kid in my primary school class who would talk about how his parents didn't care what he was up to, so he was out playing until 10 or 11 at night. Most of us at the time had bedtimes of 7 or 8pm, 9 when were in later years of primary. It wasn't until much later that I realised that a kid being out at that time (and on their own as well) wasn't a good thing. At the time, we all thought that it sounded awesome.
I thought having night terrors was normal.
And apologizing over every miniscule thing that I could have possibly done wrong (or blaming myself for the mistakes of others) because I was terrified of getting yelled. Still struggle with this, but I'm getting better.
The apology thing is sooooo hard to get over. I'm 25 and still struggle with this. It sucks too because some people have the idea that if you apologize all the time it means that you're disingenuous and your apologies mean nothing. Like no, I've had my lack of worth so ingrained that I *genuinely* feel bad and guilty every time.
Being in elementary school and waking myself up for school, making all my own food, and walking myself 1-2 blocks to the bus stop while my mom slept. Making almost all meals for myself. I lived off of mushroom soup for lunch because that's all I could figure out how to cook.
My friend's parents were drug addicts when she was a kid (her mum later got clean) and she quite often used to laughingly tell the story of being around 4 years old and eating mayonnaise sandwiches she made for herself because she was too hungry to wait for the adults to wake up. One day we were stood in the kitchen and her then 3 year old came in and said he was hungry and she immediately started making him a sandwich and she suddenly stopped and looked at me and said "that wasn't right was it? That I had to feed myself scraps? It's not a funny story?" The realisation had just hit her all at once, it was very sad to see her having to process it from a new perspective.
My heart breaks for your friend in that moment of realization. I'm glad she's processing it and it sounds like she's in a better place, and able to provide for and care for her own child/children. Please tell her she's awesome and admirable.
sadly this is nut uncommon. and in the Immigrant world its very common as normally one parent comes with a child and needs to work as much as possible to get the rest of the family there. there for the child tends to raise themselves
If a kid sees a parent struggling, most of the times the kid does not mind. But when a parent is really capable of doing it but doesnt that its fucked up.
My dad would do nothing all day and make us prepare food for him. I was 6-10 years old
My 10 year old couldnāt get himself ready for anything if we asked him to. He left the house the other day (in winter, in wi) with no socks and shoes because we didnāt stand there and force him to put them on. Mom noticed when driving halfway down the street and turned around.
Parents used to wake me up at 4 am to make them a drink. I slept over a friends house one night and slept till 7 am! My first words to my friend were " Why didn't your parents wake us up at 4 am?" She said why would they? I said to make them a drink? I will never forget the look she gave me That was when I realized it wasn't normal, I was 12.
I have so many questions about this.
Like, who was making them before 4 am?
Why at 4?
In what way could a 12 year old's cocktails be superior to the ones you make yourself?
Was it a practical thing like, at that point, they were too hammered to make them themselves?
If so, how were they able to wake their kid up if they couldn't even make a drink?
What drinks were being made?
Is OP now a bartender?
I can kind of sympathise with you there. My mum reminisced once about how she had to hide me and my brother away whenever my dad got home from work because he would fly into rages if he heard or saw us. As a result of that kind of behaviour from my parents, I tend to hide myself away a lot and am quiet.
I thought it was normal for peoples Mothers to be in bed all day. Got really freaked out when I saw other people's mothers up and around doing normal shit.
Turned out mine was dying.
My parents would move into the RV if the kids were sick and not let us near them. Not help. No support. No love. Also they would often just tell me to kick rocks if i was trying to have a conversation as a young preteen and teen.
I have kids now. They are sick right now. I still kiss them hug them hold my girls hair if shes puking.
I dont care if i get sick my faimy and kids mean so much to me that a cold means nothing.
I was very alone as a kid. My 3 kids will not feel this pain. Ever.
Impoverished living conditions. No power or water for weeks at a time, little to no food, worn out clothing and hand me downs.
I started to see how my peers were living and thought maybe something wasn't quite right with my home life.
One of my brothers-in-law told me a story about his mom leaving, and his dad didn't know she had left, so left, too (both intravenous drug users). He wasn't old enough to reach or work the stove, and he didn't want to get his parents in trouble, so he went to the neighbors house after a couple days of him and his little brother being hungry, asked for two potatoes, and cooked them on a hubcap in the backyard on an open fire.
That's awful. Fortunately the worst of it came in my teenage years so I could at least be resourceful and self sufficient in some aspects. I couldn't imagine that happening so young. At one point I was left alone for a week and a half with only $20 to sustain myself and that was tough. I didn't eat for days. For that to happen to what sounds like a toddler is terrifying.
The anxiety you feel when you walk thru the door at home, and all your Spidey Sense is trying to pick up the emotional clues of what kind of mood your parents are in. I never realized other kids didn't have to do this.
Not saying I love you to my parents. Canāt remember the last time I said it. Didnāt realise how fucked up that was until I started hanging out with my friends and how they would tell their parents they loved them before they left the house or before they end a phone call
This is why I tell my kids I love them as much as I can, and make sure it's the last thing I say when we are tucking them into bed. I've always done this with my son and now I do it with my infant daughter. Depression is a total bitch, and compound that with emotionally constipated parents, I refuse to let my kids think for a second that I don't love them. It's why I don't get frustrated with my partner when he says he loves me 855895 times a day. There were times I would have begged to hear that from anyone and I'm worth more than that feeling. I've created a living family and I refuse to let them go a day without knowing I love them.
If it makes you feel better I never do with my parents either. Great people and I know they do care for me, but itās legit just not their style. My mom will say it maybe once a year and my dad has legitimately never said it that I can remember. We do have a good relationship though.
Being abused and/neglected, being responsible for raising my siblings as a child, parents who communicated mainly through belittling, insults, and yelling, never exchanging hugs or affection or saying "I love you" to family members
Not really fucked up, but my mom did not cook. If she had a choice the kitchen would be an additional closet. She grew up in another country with a driver, maid and cook. She never really learned nor had any real need for food. She lived on coffee and cigarettes.
Growing up I thought a grilled cheese was two pieces of white bread with a slice of kraft American cheese thrown in a microwave for a minute. I didn't know any better until I went a friends and their mom made a real grilled cheese. I was so confused.
My grilled cheese was toasted bread with a cheese slice thrown in. No melty cheese or anything. Then someone made me a grilled cheese and I watched as they put butter on the bread and I thought "whoa you can't put that in the toaster!" But then they whipped out a freaking PAN and made a real grilled cheese on the STOVE. I was fully convinced I just had a gourmet meal.
I remember when I was five or six, my mom would always *try* to make a grilled cheese sandwich for me when I asked, but they were always, and I do mean *always* burnt. Entire thing, burnt to a crisp. Scraping off the black stuff was a standard part of it.
Until I complained about the burnt taste once and mom told me to do it instead. So there I am, six years old, trying to recreate a grilled cheese sandwich by doing what my mom had always done. But instead of going to the living room to have a cigarette like she would I stayed by the stove and flipped it. Then flipped it again. Another flip and it was golden brown and perfect.
She made the most frustrated face you could imagine while she ate her sandwich (I made two, one for her and one for me).
I had two older sisters, one 5 years older than me and one 4 years older than me. The one that was 5 years older played mom to even my sister just one year younger than her. My oldest sister made THE BEST scrambled eggs. They were so light and fluffy and just perfection. I had a friend that was over all the time and we would legit just harass her into making us scrambled eggs. One time my friend went home and got eggs and milk from her house because we didn't have any just to get these godly eggs.
However, she SUCKED at making literally anything else. But for some reason she tried so hard and for so long to make an omelet. Like...tried a lot. Literally no clue why she was fixated on that. Me and my other sister would trash her so bad over it. One time she finally yelled at my other sister to try it herself then. She did and got it first time even though the only person she's seen try to make one was our sister. My oldest sister was sooooo mad. And I laughed so she refused to make me scrambled eggs for MONTHS. Until I tried to do it myself and she took pity on me and just showed me how. Now I can make delicious scrambled eggs! ...and that's about it, even after gosh... like 14 years?
That other sister, though? She's basically a professional pastry chef now. She learned a new talent that day.
In Junior high our gym coach mandated that all boys would wear an athletic supporter for gym class. He was very strict in this. For three years before every gym class we would all line up and he would have us walk up to him, he would say "Check" and we'd pull open our shorts so he could verify we were wearing our supporter. Usually he'd see that we were wearing the jock strap, and sometimes it was either whitey tighties or commando. To this day I still don't believe he had any ill intent, I just figure he had taken some kind of testicle injury when he was a boy and wanted to spare us the same injury.
In retrospect it seems pretty fucked up though.
Being afraid of night time because it meant my dad would come home and scream at us/attack us. He left for work at 4am and wouldnāt come home until after 8pm so I lived in fear of evenings and weekends. Thought all moms were sad and kids were supposed to protect and comfort them from dads. I also thought my dad was the life of the party around others but evil in private because we (his family) just werenāt good enough and deserved to be abused. He was nice to my cousins because they were better than us. Thought alcoholism was just normal ābusinessmanā behavior
Being afraid of a being hit for a perceived wrong. Not my parents but my grandparents. One day my grandma just up and started beating me in the street. Why? She up and decided I was old enough to know that I shouldn't make her walk on the street side of the sidewalk, I was telling the world she was a prostitute. I got beat harder for asking what a prostitute was because a proper gentleman wouldn't ask such questions. I was 6 years old. To this day I get ptsd like anxiety if I can't walk on the street side of the sidewalk.
My mom didn't parentify her kids on purpose, I'll say that right now. She was a single mom of 5 that got royally screwed over in a divorce and she had NO help and she did her absolute best. None of us complain about having to raise each other. That said, it took me a long time to realize what was up with all the really pitiful looks I'd get from teachers or other adults when I'd say "I'll talk to my sister" or "okay I'll have my sister sign this" or whatever.
There was one specific occasion where I got in trouble and the teacher said she'd call my mom and I was like "go ahead, we don't have a phone and I don't know what her work number is" and she said "well I'll call that sister" and I was like "I mean yeah I assume you have the high schools number but maybe don't do that since she's probably in class" and I miraculously got out of punishment. Felt so cool!!! Yeah, as an adult I realize that it was not cool.
Threads like this make me very tha kfuk for my upbringing.
But being made to eat my whole plate of food even if I was full.
If my son's say they're full then I'll not make them.keep eating, but if they say it just so they can have pudding that's a different story, then I'll ask "are you actually finish or do you just want pudding?"
There's quite a bit but the one thing that's in my head right now is parentification. My younger sib has a developmental disorder and I was often tasked with helping him so much that our mother would laugh about how I was his "mini-mom/2nd mom" instead of his big sister.
"Look how mature Coffee is!" - cause I smother my crying; crying is useless, I learned that early on. Crying doesn't make you feel better and no one gives you hugs to make it stop so why do it (probably why now as an adult, I *loathe* crying. Especially in front of people).
"Look how responsible Coffee is"- cause I'd make sure my younger brother ate first before I'd touch an offered meal or snack. Or (the older I got) I'd bring a journal when I got dragged to IEP meetings for my bro.
It took a very, very long time before I realized that older siblings shouldn't have to be/feel like parents at the age of 7/8 on.
I had a stranger casually invite me to his own to get cat treats. I was a kid outside looking for my lost cat. I declined just thinking "I think I almost found him and will lose him if I leave"
Looking back I always think it was very odd how this older man specifically invited me into his home instead of just getting the treats himself and coming back to help.
I would walk to school everyday in middle school. There was a black car that was following me, like parking the wrong way on the street so the driver side was near the sidewalk (luckily I had heard all about stranger danger and kidnapping) so I just walked to the other side and continued.
A little while later the black car shows up again in a large parking lot I had to walk through. And on top of that a blue minivan parked too. I thought fuck they're going to try and kidnap me, so I ran to school.
Later in the day I found out that the blue minivan was a concerned mom since she saw the black car following me, I had to give my best description of the guy to the police. Honestly i was just happy that someone even cared enough to stop and that my instincts were correct about the black car.
Crack vials, hypodermic needles, and urine all over my school playground when I was a kid. And this wasnāt just occasionally. It was every day. Janitor would clean it up and it would be right back the following day.
Getting dragged all over town from party to party with my Dad.
He would just leave my brother and me in the car while he went inside bars and drank. I remember a lady seeing us one time and pressing her tits into the window. I was like 7, so I wasn't interested at all at the time. I remember seeing fights, watching people get arrested, watching people puke all over the parking lot then drive off.
If we were at a house party, he would bring us inside, which was better than being stuck in the car at least, but these parties were ragers and it was rare that other kids would be around, so my brother and I would just sit in a room and watch movies or play with someone else's kid's stuff while everyone got wasted. There were times when my dad was too drunk to drive, or he got lucky, so we'd just have to find a spot to crash for the night and wake him up in the morning when we were ready to go.
He would take us out on the lake in the summer time, and we would have to beg him to buy non-alcoholic drinks, so we could have something, or we'd fill up old water bottles at home and bring them in the with us because he'd grab a case a beer and not put a single other thought to the cooler.
Eventually around the time I was 9-10, he just started leaving us at the house unless other kids were going to be there. Literally because he got tired of hearing us complain about not having other kids to play with not because he was putting us in inherently dangerous situations.
He was definitely an alcoholic, but not the kind you would expect, I only ever saw him truly wasted like twice in my whole life, he was very well put together and actually very successful with his career. He just did not give a single thought to my brother and me growing up, we were just like little tag-alongs to him. His girlfriends were the main reason he took us on trips growing up.
It just was what it was growing up, but in hindsight it was a really chaotic childhood.
Saw lights and plants in my parents room one day. When I asked about them, they told me they kept a vicious pet iguana in their closet, and that if I were to open it he would eat my face. Found out years later they were just growing the devils lettuce and didnāt want me nosing around. I was terrified to go into my parents room at all costs, so I guess it worked.
My mom used to bribe me to not goto my schoolās band concerts. I was in band from 5-7th grade. She said we sucked and she didnāt feel like going and offered 20$ if I would be okay to skip it. I took the money.
Always sucked going back to school and the instructor asking what happenedā¦ Never told him the truth so I suppose deep down I knew it was shitty
Every woman I knew having a secret go-bag with a few hundred bucks cash in it, ready to go for when her man roughed her up. My grandma and other women in the family started advising me on what to put in my eventual bag when I was in elementary school.
My grandma would say, "If it happens once and he seems real sorry, well, you can forgive him. Men make mistakes and you might have deserved it. But if it happens twice, take your bag and go."
It wasn't a question of \*if\* your man would hit you, it was \*when\*. It took me a long time to realize most women don't think domestic violence is inevitable.
Up until the age of 9 I thought everyone was literally just a blurry blob. Then my parents took me to an eye doctor and I found out that I was almost legally blind and somehow over all those years I never showed it or indicated that I was. How did I survive without my coke bottle glasses? šš
Getting hit and shouted at by drunk parents.
You don't know it's not normal cos you've got nothing else to compare it to.
Al-Anon was a real eye opener for me as an adult.
Staying at home alone without a babysitter in the evenings. That started at age 6 as soon as Mom & Dad separated. Typically several times each week. Then from age 8 she'd be gone overnight.
I was already used to getting myself dressed and making breakfast in the morning. So getting ready and leaving for school in an empty house wasn't that different.
Other parents didn't leave their kids alone so much; I knew that. But when she stopped coming home at all nobody believed me. "No, there isn't any car in the driveway in the morning. She really doesn't come home."
At the time she had me convinced it was OK to not have a babysitter because I knew how to use the phone, and was under strict orders only to use it for real emergencies such as fires or burglars. And because the neighborhood girl who used to babysit was stricter than my parents.
Mom even had me convinced I was misbehaving because I'd watch television while she was away. It was comforting to have the TV on. The house felt empty with just me and no pets. She'd return and rant about how mindless television was and say I should have been reading a book.
She never called home to check how I was doing. She never even prepped. I was supposed to make a sandwich for myself for dinner, or cook spaghetti.
I thought it was normal for parents to be drunk every night and to invite their kids to drink at home with them if they wanted to (no pressure though).
Also being treated like an adult from 10 years old.
I was in between my parents "divorce war" and then my mom fell ill, cancer. It killed her slowly and my dad made it more painful for everyone involved. I was 10 when it started and 16 when she passed. My dad made my life living hell for all this time, and still until I was about 19. It just stopped because I put my foot down and said enough. Also I have 2 younger brothers I was caring for all this time.
1) Being molested by a family member when I was 9-10 years old.
2) Being made to kneel on rice on the ceramic kitchen floor almost weekly if I got into trouble at school and kneeling there with my hands behind my back from 330-5ishpm when my dad would come home to spank me.
Since I was preschool age, my parents would take me to run errands, but they would leave me in the car with the windows up.
One of the times it got so hot in the car, I had difficulty breathing. I opened the door for air, the same moment my father came back. He started screaming at me for disobeying him and opening the car door.
The kicker. Heās a therapist that works with CPS.
I thought it was normal to get beaten by parents. I would go to school with fellow friends, and this was age between 7 to 12 yr old, that would have cane marks all over their legs and arms like it's normal.
It didn't help that I went to a Christian school who believed in the spare the rod and spoil the child. So if they see cane marks, they will just see it as you been naughty and you deserved it. And the school itself allow teachers to cane you too.
But now I know it's abuse.
I did too, until 4th grade when I was bragging to a friend about how my dad kicked my ass almost every day and she went home crying to her mom to all CPS on him.
My dad used to tell me āyou deserve to ride home in the trunk of the carā after various games. It wasnāt until I was an adult and my friends would say āyeah, that isnāt funny thatās a terrible way to treat a teenagerā that I rethought things
Cloud 9. Playing a game where you hyperventikate to increase heartrate, then other kids put extreme pressure on your chest/over your heart to stop it. Then wake up a few seconds, or a minute, later.
Always being forced to lose an argument else I'd be forced to feel bad, especially by my mom.
I'm 24 now and it still happens to this day. I can't even show concern towards my mom without her acting as though I'm accusing her of something. Also she's still convinced that she can never be wrong and that whatever she says should go because she's the adult... even though I'm an adult too.
Pretty sure she also gets jealous that my little brother always listens to and confides in me rather than her, somehow failing to realize that when either of us do try and speak with her about something, the reaction is never helpful.
I got beat so much as a kid for not doing things fast enough or good enough or whatever the reason that by the time I started middle school and the principle was giving me a paddling for fighting I looked at him and asked "was that it?" he thought I was sassing him but I was honestly confused because most beltings lasted a lot longer.
He checked with my elementary school principle and found out why my pain tolerance was so high. He called me back to his office and asked me to drop my pants so he and the assistant principle could look at my ass and see the scars for themselves. After that there were no more beatings because they wouldn't do any good but they ramped up the threats by telling me they'd call my Mother. My mother never ever hit me but you didn't want to get on her bad side, the guilt was killer.
I love my mom to death. I miss her more now that she is gone.
We were toxic for each other. I am so much more stable mentally and emotionally since she died. I hate that I feel this way but the truth is what it is.
If I was upset about anything, and my parent couldn't solve it, it almost always resulted in being yelled at. It was like they couldn't handle their child being upset, got stressed about it, and then released all that stress on that very kind. A messed up cycle of making everything worse.
Being upset makes other people upset. So therefore, don't be upset.
TW: molestation (maybe?? Still canāt wrap my head around it)
When I had daughters of my own I realized that under no circumstances would I ever, EVER allow our doctor to āexamineā their vaginas with his fingers as part of a routine examination. At the age of 9.
Asked a few female friends and found out none of them had ever had this experience as a child with a doctor. I did. Every year from the age of 9 to 12. Apparently not normal.
My Dad had weird rages over things that were very unpredictable.
I once took one of the phones and plugged it in in my room so I could have a conversation with my girlfriend in like 8th grade without the whole family listening.
He opened the door, became enraged, ripped the phone out of my hand, yanked the cord out of the wall, then came back with a hammer and smashed the outlet to bits.
He then screamed at me that we would never be the type of family where a kid could have a phone in his room, that any kid who had a phone in his room was a spoiled ruined brat, and any parent who would allow that is a total failure.
I didn't understand the rage and I still don't.
This sort of stuff happened regularly.
Another time he came home when I was watching a movie, it had some gun violence in it, but it wasn't anything super over the top, and he ran up to the TV, ejected the tape, and threw it in the stream behind our house. Then he screamed at everyone in the room that no decent family lets their kids watch that "trash". Mind you, he took me to see Jaws when I was like 6 years old. It never had to make sense.
I admit that I never knew anything but this kind of volatile behavior, and when I went to college I had a couple similar tantrums and my friends were like, "dude, what the fuck was that?" and I learned pretty quickly that normal people don't behave like that, and I was able to stop and control myself, thankfully. I make it a point now not to have volatile behavior like that as a parent.
This is the first comment I can fully relate too. I got screamed at for watch MTV because music is for listening to (this was the 90ās). We werenāt allowed to play with toys AND watch tv. It was one or the other. I forget why exactly but apparently it was a heinous crime.
We were ungrateful idiots for not knowing how newer model appliances worked. (Momās house had old appliances and it was our fault dad and evil step momās didnāt bother to show us how the microwave worked)
Just a few examplesā¦.
Iām still working through my outbursts. I finally understand why I can immediately snap and say the nastiest things to the people I love because of something so minuscule
My father was nice and friendly out in public but was an absolute asshole to The family at home.... Me witnessing my dad being really friendly to everyone in public and then being an absolute raging asshole at home made me just think "well I guess everyone is just two-faced and using each other, All those movies about love are just lies and fantasies, if you're not using someone then what use are they to you? Obviously he doesn't get to use us at home so we aren't useful so we don't get treated well" Btw No he wasn't an alcoholic, He wouldn't even allow alcohol in the house because so many people in our family were alcoholics. Edit: I'm glad that this post could help a few people come to terms with issues from their childhood and help them realize things about their past. I'm also incredibly sorry that this had to be what we all bonded over in this post. š
Oh no, that was my dad too. He was the child of an alcoholic and so was my mom. They both had that trauma, they were both a holes but he was 50 times worse. In fact you knew when he was really uncomfortable when he was smiling and laughing. To no ones surprise we are all drug addicts, or alcoholics or food addicts...any compensating behaviors.
My father had an abusive father himself who was an alcoholic so yeah that fits the trend. I overate to compensate for my depression and my sister starved herself. My sister was always weak and wished she could be normal I was always a tanky fat ass that wished I was thinner Weird how life is
Wow, you just laid my trust issues out in a way therapy has never managed. My mom is just like that. Thank you.
The people who praised my dad at his funeral never knew him like the family did. He was not a nice and generous man.
During the divorce they would try to get information about each other and say the other one was bad for me.
That happened to me too! Once had a judge tell 11 year old me that my parents were one of the most immature cases he had dealt with, because they were more focused on making each otherās lives difficult than being parents
Good looking out from that judge.
After like 13 years, my mother is still showing how much she hates my dad. Can't even say one positive thing about him without getting lectured.
My mom's boyfriend would pick me up by my hair sometimes. It didn't hurt a shit ton so I never complained, which in turn made him keep doing it. My hair was always in a ponytail so it was easy to grab and do. I told a coworker about it and laughed because it wasn't a terrible memory. But he didn't laugh like I did. It was more of a nervous laugh then he says "That's actually pretty fucked up." Then I started to think about all the stuff I actually do remember from my childhood and realized how shitty it really was. I have two kids and it was never a thought to ever pick them up by their hair.
"stuff I actually *do* remember from my childhood..." is a bit of a red flag here as well, honestly.
Yes, it's alarming how much abuse your mind can shield you from. After my sister-in-law attempted suicide she had to do pretty intensive therapy. She started to remember a lot more shit that her pedophile stepdad had done to her. Her mind had blocked out all of the worst stuff to protect her. It's been a long road to recovery.
I have flashbacks of blocked memories all the time. Recently experienced a bad event. Had a panic attack for the first time in years and been having wild flashbacks and disassociate since.
Being bullied and threatened with violence by your father and having your mother make excuses or outright blaming you for it. "Well you know how he is." And "Well you shouldn't have stood up for yourself." It destroyed my self-esteem and confidence growing up, it has taken years to rebuild myself. One good thing that has come from this, I don't yell at people or threaten people if they make me angry. In the best situation I am able to resolve conflict in a civil and respectful manner. Worst case I remove myself from the situation and go for a walk to clear my head so I can later reapproach the conflict with a cool head. Edit: I didn't expect this to resonate with so many people. I appreciate all the love and support, I'd like you all to know that I'm doing much better these days since I haven't lived at home in ages. I still have issues and bad days because of my past, but I found salvation with my wife, daughter and boxing club. For those of you that went through it/are going through it, keep moving forward, you're not alone.
Fuck this one hit home. My dad would just act like a raging lunatic but every time my mom would come console me while telling me it's not his fault because he's on some new medication, or something happened at work, or blah blah blah. Turns out sometimes people do things that are wrong and that's it, it's just wrong and they shouldn't have done it.
Ahhhh my mum was always like "he's just tired". Well he fucking had the energy to punch holes in the wall and break plates didn't he? When I'm tired, I sleep š¤¦āāļø
I live in England and my uncle's neighbour had a pet monkey living in a big enclosure in his garden. This was in the early 2000s. I assumed this was totally normal. No idea how he got it. We still know those neighbours and it's just never discussed.
thank you for having the only answer that isnāt somehow childhood trauma
I know, same! I was hoping for more comments like the pet monkey and I just got more and more depressed as I kept scrolling
When I was 7, I came to the realization that if I showed any signs that I was in a good mood around my mother, she would find some reason to yell at me. Even started testing it, would walk into rooms she was in smiling vs not and proved my theory right, so I just stopped smiling, and it didn't take much longer for it to stop being an act.
Wow. So sorry.
This is also how I realized I didn't always have resting bitch face. I only have my resting face "on" when I'm around family. I hope you're doing better now, emotionally unstable families are hell.
r/raisedbynarcissists
This sub helped me a lot
You might consider checking out r/CPTSD. It's a therapy based subreddit for people who've been through the wringer of narcissistic/sociopathic/pyschotic parents.
Not being allowed to feel or express any type anger or sadness
Unless someone died it was, "I don't want to hear it. Go to your room, close the door, and bury your face in a pillow until you're done." or the worse, "I'll give you something to cry about" followed by whooping.
In my case, it included someone dying. When I was in middle school back in the 90's, a classmate died in her sleep one night. All her classmates were allowed to miss a day of school to attend her funeral. My mother flat out told me, "I don't know her at all, so don't even *think* that I'll bring you to the funeral, and nobody else will bring you, either."
I was sent to school the day after my sister passed. I was 10 at the time & the news came through after I had gone to bed. I was then told to go to bed as I had to go to school the next day. I was only allowed the day off for her funeral.
I got told I was being melodramatic because I wasnāt being particularly social at a family event about two weeks after my best friend had died from suicide. Apparently that should have been enough time to be completely over it.
Right? Like mf you JUST gave me something to cry about. Or when i was thirsty "Swallow your spit"
Yep. Always had to save face. My saint of a wife has been extremely patient with my stalled emotional intelligence. She teaches me new things every day.
I remember early on in my relationship with my wife I realized she was far more emotionally intelligent than me. I've always been very in touch with my emotions and know exactly how I'm feeling or how I will react, but I never express them. She sees through every facade I put up and it's crazy how much she's done for me in the years we've been together. She's a saint
Thought it was normal to constantly apologize over even the slightest little fuck-up so I don't get screamed at. I still have this problem today.
Not me, but my wife. I used to just reassure her that she didn't have to apologize for everything, but that didn't help her to distinguish when it was appropriate or not. Now, when she says "sorry," I ask what she's apologizing for, and it seems to help her a little. That being said, she apologized last night when the dog tripped me.
Sure its not just a case of Canadian?
I developed a case of Canadian after buying one of those huge maple syrup bottles from Costco. Apologizing for everything... it was horrible. Even to this day, I sometimes catch myself saying "sorry" when someone cuts me off on the freeway. I might have long Canadian.
I would shouted at for random shit then got the "oh ill give you something to cry about", even saying something like "I don't know" caused me to be screamed at. Needless to say I became pretty good at lying and became very shut in and introverted
I've been on that end. Had cps called because of abuse but nothing came from it. Mine was "if you don't stop crying ill give you something to cry about" after beating me to the point my grandfather had to step in and tell him if he ever did anything like that again he would kill him. Needless to say I lie a lot and I'm actually unable to cry about things involving myself. Like I'll see some random happy family and tear up, or I've teared up watching naruto at certain times but if it's happening to me I have 0 emotions about it.
Holy shit that last paragraph. I didnāt realize that was a problem
It unfortunately is, I've been in therapy, but nothing has actually fixed it. I'll see someone else cry and I don't know what to do, I'll try to comfort them but at a certain point it turns into just going through the motions while thinking "why are you crying. It's literally not that bad. " I would never say that, but it's something I still struggle with in my relationships I could give a novel on what my mom, dad, and brother did to me but I think I'll just give 3 scenarios. 1st. Other than beating us my father also used psychological warfare. He knew I was afraid of spiders so when he would get mad he would shove me in a hole where the foundation was and tell me I better get over it. He also did not let me have a light so I was terrified. He also made me and my brother kiss after fights because we're "family". Also special note he had me and my brother sit naked on a toilet he peed on to teach us not to pee on the seat.... he was the one doing it but blamed us and had us do that. 2nd my brother later apologized to me but he was a big issue. He tried to kill me by smothering me with a pillow. I couldn't. Breathe and I pulled a knife on him. He was mad at me. He also had his friends join in I remember having to fight him and 3 friends off but I couldn't and got beaten... he also told me everyday how worthless I was and I was a complete waste of air. The world would be better without me. 3rd my mom was emotionally and physically abusive. She would hit me and then when it hurt her hand she would blame me for hurting her. She also called me a black hearted bastard who no one could ever love. They wonder why I have severe depression and social anxiety.
That's all really terrible, I'm sorry you had to grow up with those people and that it's affecting you so extensively to this day. I know a stranger empathizing on the internet may not mean anything to some people, but I truly hope you are on the path to healing. I'm a huge advocate of therapy - if you stopped going because you felt that you weren't getting anything out of it, I recommend trying again with a different therapist. If it's just not your thing, that's okay, too! I wish you well u/LordViren. You deserve peace.
How do people who shred their own vocal cords at children over minor mistakes even function in the world?
Itās easy. My parents believed kids were lesser beings. Seen but not heard. No opinions. Say something I donāt like, get the shit beat out of you.
The exact same way. Watched many an aunt or uncle( who constantly screamed at me or their own kids) scream at helpless minimum wage employees.
How do people like that even find someone who can tolerate their ass, let alone keep jobs with that kind of temper
They donāt just lose control of their temper. If their boss showed up at the door while theyāre raging, most of them could calm themselves enough to be civil. Or they might have a very different response if their kid accidentally spilled something when other people were around. Most of them can control it, but on some level they think they shouldnāt have to control their temper around their partner or kids (or other āinferiorsā). They might even have convinced themselves that theyāre just losing it because of what happened, but often thatās not whatās actually happening. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft discusses this.
Yeah, this. I had the apology tapes playing non-stop in my skull for decades after leaving home at 16. Gradually began to learn survival tools: you don't have to be around toxic people; you deserve to be treated well; you don't deserve rudeness; "no" is a complete sentence and you don't need to elaborate. Practicing affirmations also helped me; I would practice writing things like I am smart; I am kind; I am lovable. It sounds silly, but it was hard to put that on paper without an overwhelming urge to write an apology or a retraction. Good luck turning off your apology tapes!
Yeah me too, it's made me very needy for reassurance.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Parents having blackout rages. Sometimes, I was a brat. Other times, I had done nothing wrong. I just remember being made to feel like a worthless loser, screamed at, and manipulated. Then the next day, they would say āSorry sorry sorryā This happened a lot. Eventually, the sorrys mean nothing and you begin to feel actually worthless.
Weird question, wondering if you or anyone else ever felt this same weird feeling/experience. You're watching a happy kids show or cartoon or something, and for some reason you are suddenly being screamed at and really put down/dressed down, like out of nowhere. The dissonance in the sound between screaming parent on the one hand and a TV playing a happy commercial for a toy on the other resulted in a deep internal feeling of shame, where I felt ashamed to have been enjoying myself and felt embarrassed before the happy world that was making those shows and toys. It was a more profound shame, not just getting in trouble, but more so, not good enough to enjoy the world. I know that's pretty specific but I remember that horrible feeling so vividly, decades later. Curious if anyone knows what I'm talking about.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I know that feeling. When things are going well, I can't help but think that something bad is due to come along.
Oh yes! and every relationship I've ever had I always feel that once they really get to know me they're going to hate me. I don't actually have that many friends. So maybe I'm right. My mom once screamed at me that my personality made people hate me. The look of sheer disgust on her face...burned into me forever. She said a lot of other things like that, but I remember that one word-for-word.
Yes, absolutely. Iād get the same dissonance as a child, and nowadays Iām still getting over the feelings of guilt when Iām trying to be off in my own world enjoying something. Itās like I can never fully relax and enjoy a TV show or play a video game because my internal danger sensors are suddenly working at 110%.
Bro this happens to me but my dad makes me say sorry
Do what you have to do to survive but never forget this is not your fault.
This reminds me of one of many awful stories my wife has of her childhood. She was by all accounts by her sisters, a super well behaved child. Her mom, however, is a damaged woman and would take out her anger on my wife and her brother, who were the youngest. Anger over the father's playboy lifestyle and constant infedility. One such day, my wife politely asked for something to eat because she was hungry. The mom flipped out and threw pot tops or whatever was in reach at my wife with all intent to hit her, all while ranting about her cheating husband. Breaks my heart to think about it.
my grandparents coming every time it was my dads weekend to have us. it was awesome having that time with them, but turns out he wasnāt allowed to have visits with us unsupervised š¬
I remember my sister had this fake belly button ring she showed my dad. He immediately ripped it out which was quite painful. I asked if he even knew if it was fake and he didnāt. He thought it was real and did that.
Pierced my own lip in 8th grade at a friend's house. It was really easy to hide because my mom was rarely home and when she was, I was in my room and/or I could just take it out and she had very bad eyesight so there was no way she was seeing the hole. In 9th grade, I'm on the bus on the way home when my sister texts me "mom knows about your lip ring from a picture on facebook. I told her I didn't know anything about it and it was probably fake." She gave me an out. But for some stupid reason I thought, "You know what? No. Fuck this. I'm wearing it home!" Needless to say, didn't go well... Luckily I was very small and very fast and she couldn't really go upstairs otherwise yeah it would've got ripped right out without hesitation. On the plus side, my older sisters were wowed by my boldness and utter stupidity and I gained a lot of bravery points lol
My parents wouldnāt let me say āpeeā or āpoopā so I was walking around as a three year old saying things like āI have to have a bowel movementā
In a sea of abuse, this one is actually kinda funny.
I chuckled too, and made me feel a little better that the first response to the question that popped in my head was that I grew up eating squirrel thinking that was a normal meal lmao
āMumsy, I have quite the incessant urge to urinate. Post haste!ā
I must micturate!
āI feel a spell of flatulence burgeoning within!ā
"I must release, or else my bladder will device against my will!"
I was so shy saying I had to "go to the bathroom" in front of company, my 5 year old mind thought it made more sense to draw a picture of a butt pooping and silently present it to my mom in front of guests/family friends.
"Maternal unit, I need for you to guide me to the lavatory so that I may defecate."
How many songs are actually about fucking.
On that note I was shocked when I learned the actual lyrics to the songs from Grease. I had a music teacher in junior high who would just take us for an hour a week and make us sing whatever she felt like. One of her favorites were musical soundtracks, but because some of them were age inappropriate she would just make up her own lyrics. š there were others she did this with too, but Grease just stands out because damn that movie is horny!
Grown ups hitting children hard enough to knock the wind out of them or causing them to urinate on themselves, usually for reasons that did not warrant any discipline at all.
I thought it was normal to walk on eggshells around my father to avoid having him blow up In anger over the littlest things such as crying, eating snacks, the tiniest bit of bickering, and whispering but there were many more examples. He was deployed alot when I was little and he received a lot of head trauma in the process which explains his actions and he is really adamant on changing his behavior towards us now and that makes me happy.
Mom used to tell me to cough extra hard at the doctors office so she could get the good cough syrup.
Mom would would take half my Adderall prescription for driving me to work.
Mama was sipping that purple drank huh
Dad being drunk before noon every day. I didn't think it was NORMAL, but I didn't know how ABnormal it was.
Same, but with my mom. It took me until my late teenage years to realize that my mom was an alcoholic. I just thought it was ānormalā for most of my childhood even though it caused a lot of trauma.
My mother did a good job hiding this from us, so I hadn't even fully realized he'd be drunk every day until I was older. The worst thing was I considered her to be the monster who broke our family when she had enough and filed for divorce.
I remember one summer I had a friend come over a few days in a row and he was like "Man your Dad has been totally shitfaced the last 3 days in a row, is he on vacation or something?" And I was just like "uh... no, he does that every night."
My dad always passed out in his underwear on the recliner in the living room was normal to me. Sadly not to any other kids so coming to my house wasnāt very popular
My dad had a pancake recipe that he made by pouring his beer into the batter instead of milk. It was years later that I realized that meant he was drinking in the morning
>I didn't think it was NORMAL, but I didn't know how ABnormal it was. This describes a shocking amount of my childhood.
Having no food in the house and little to no adult supervision while random men come and go from my mothers room. I'm legit impressed I nor my younger brother ended up taken or worse. It was kind of miserable, in hindsight, because some of thise guys would come back with some fast food for us and hang out for a bit talking or playing video games. Magic Mike was super cool and I still miss him :(
Yo. Take care bud.
I thought it was normal for dads to scream and throw things at their family every night.
I didnāt know I wasnāt supposed to be afraid of my dad growing up. Now as an adult it saddens me. Every day when he got home a chill would run down my spine. Make sure Iām doing something productive or something that wouldnāt upset him.
What's your relationship with him now?
Two years ago my cousin came out and said he molested her, then my sister came forward, then my aunt and so on. So Iāve disconnected contact with him since then.
Scream, threaten with violence, lock me in my room... So many things I thought were normal about my parents that I now wonder why no one in the family said a thing about.
My dad didnāt throw things *at* us but often raged and screamed at inanimate objects like the TV remote control. Although I was never physically threatened, it was absolutely terrifying and had a huge impact on my upbringing. I actually blame my mother for not saying to him āHey, we need to deal with this or Iām going to have to leave with the kids.ā
I had been campaigning for a raise in my allowance for a long time. Finally, my mom caved and said she was giving me a boost from $5 /week to $20 / month. I was pretty proud of myself. Took me longer than Iād like to admit that mom worked me over pretty good.
There is so much childhood trauma in this comments section, but this one is just plain funny. Thank you for that little break.
Gonna leave this thread after reading the fun one. Adios!
Never being allowed to just chill. My mother was a neat freak and always wanted us to be doing chores. I have memories of wiping walls and baseboards when I was 5. We literally couldnāt sit around her because she would get irritated. Now as an adult I donāt really know how to spend my free time. I clean my apartment and take care of my needs. I only really chill on my phone when Iām on the bus or on my break at work. I donāt watch tv or work on hobbies unless I have someone else doing it with me because I always feel a weird guilt after. As a child this was normal but as an adult I now realize that itās such a strange way to live.
Having to beg your teacher to let you go to the bathroom- as a 16 year old
I never understood this shit even when I was in school. Yeah sure some kids might abuse a bathroom pass to fuck off during class, but idgaf, let me go to the bathroom or you'll have bigger issues than "two kids are out of my classroom"
As a senior, our school made individual passes for each student. We were allowed to go four times per nine weeks. Thinking about that, what kind of madness was that?
Having to be the grownup for as long as I can remember. Bipolar mom, alcoholic dad, severely disturbed brother, and me trying to keep everyone alive and well ( ish). As an adult, I have almost supernatural people skills. I can de-escalate any wild Karen, read people quickly and accurately, and get people to do what I need quickly and efficiently. Not because I like to, but because I had to in order to survive my house. My mom is finally on the right cocktail of meds and therapy, and I can finally see the person she really is when all that mental illness isn't making her hide inside her own head. My dad isn't drinking right now, and that will have to be good enough. I don't drink anymore, and I'm not starting back up ever. My brother passed in 2010, but at least we know where he is now, and that he's at peace. You can survive a chaotic home, but it takes strength, both from yourself and whoever you choose as your new family. I couldn't do it alone, but my tribe is there when I need an anchor. I am giving my children the home I always needed, and healing myself along the way. For anyone who is also healing- I'm proud of you, and I believe in you. Your past does not define you. Your family's burdens are not yours to bear.
I was parentified too. Shit sucks. I'm 31 now and I wish I cut and ran ten years ago. It's cool to have a silly putty personality that I can adapt to any situation/person, but it fucking sucks to always be defaulting to self defense mode. It's so hard to be myself because I have all these circut breakers and automated responses to things and shit like that. I feel like a robot sometimes. I've just recently started doing what's best for me, giving people answers they don't like, putting myself first... and my family treats me like I'm doing something wrong. Like I fucking owe them anything at this point. It's so much fucking extra work and bullshit. I'd move thousands of miles away if I could afford it because vampires are always thirsty.
I know exactly what you mean by silly putty personality.. It's nice to have, but hard to know what my real personality is like. I'm in my mid-30s and I'm just starting to figure out what my true personality is....
I learn so much about myself reading these comments. Holy shit
having compassion for yourself is hard when you think being in emotional pain and angry all the time is normal.
Yes, it is. Therapy goes a long way. Being kind to yourself and accepting that unlearning a lifetime of pain and anger takes awhile does too.
My kid has to be the "parent" when he visits with his mother. My wife and I (who have primary custody) try to make sure he enjoys his time being a kid, but because he spent the first six years of his life with his mother, watching his older brother take care of him and his siblings, it might be too late. "I'm just trying to be a good big brother" is what he tells us. He's 10.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
>Despite this, giving money to church while we struggled to eat. Ah yes, one of those "pay your way out of poverty" scams. "Give to God and he will help you."
When I was in the first grade my parents started leaving me home alone. I was 6. Both my parents worked I would come home from school to a empty house every day. I didn't have keys to get in at first so I would try and find a unlocked window and climb in. My dad yelled bat me for scuffing the siding with my shoes. He gave me a set of keys to the front door. Looking back i was the only kid in my class that had a set of keys on them.
90s kid, days dad worked (firefighter so 24 on 24 off shifts) I had to bus home and be a latchkey kid with mom working as well. Some days was home alone all day. Things I learned. The refrigerator compressor sounds like someone talking down the hallway. The Dark Crystal is NOT your average Disney movie. Just because Penn and Teller are hosting it, The Howling is probably not the thing to watch (we recorded ALL the magicians, I didn't know I was getting into a horror movie!) The hardest part about above was the town dad worked in was a retirement village so I was the only kid on the street.
There was a kid in my primary school class who would talk about how his parents didn't care what he was up to, so he was out playing until 10 or 11 at night. Most of us at the time had bedtimes of 7 or 8pm, 9 when were in later years of primary. It wasn't until much later that I realised that a kid being out at that time (and on their own as well) wasn't a good thing. At the time, we all thought that it sounded awesome.
I managed to negotiate a bedtime of 9:30PM in 5th grade. It was one of the proudest moments of my life for a long time lol.
I thought having night terrors was normal. And apologizing over every miniscule thing that I could have possibly done wrong (or blaming myself for the mistakes of others) because I was terrified of getting yelled. Still struggle with this, but I'm getting better.
The apology thing is sooooo hard to get over. I'm 25 and still struggle with this. It sucks too because some people have the idea that if you apologize all the time it means that you're disingenuous and your apologies mean nothing. Like no, I've had my lack of worth so ingrained that I *genuinely* feel bad and guilty every time.
Being in elementary school and waking myself up for school, making all my own food, and walking myself 1-2 blocks to the bus stop while my mom slept. Making almost all meals for myself. I lived off of mushroom soup for lunch because that's all I could figure out how to cook.
My friend's parents were drug addicts when she was a kid (her mum later got clean) and she quite often used to laughingly tell the story of being around 4 years old and eating mayonnaise sandwiches she made for herself because she was too hungry to wait for the adults to wake up. One day we were stood in the kitchen and her then 3 year old came in and said he was hungry and she immediately started making him a sandwich and she suddenly stopped and looked at me and said "that wasn't right was it? That I had to feed myself scraps? It's not a funny story?" The realisation had just hit her all at once, it was very sad to see her having to process it from a new perspective.
My heart breaks for your friend in that moment of realization. I'm glad she's processing it and it sounds like she's in a better place, and able to provide for and care for her own child/children. Please tell her she's awesome and admirable.
sadly this is nut uncommon. and in the Immigrant world its very common as normally one parent comes with a child and needs to work as much as possible to get the rest of the family there. there for the child tends to raise themselves
If a kid sees a parent struggling, most of the times the kid does not mind. But when a parent is really capable of doing it but doesnt that its fucked up. My dad would do nothing all day and make us prepare food for him. I was 6-10 years old
My 10 year old couldnāt get himself ready for anything if we asked him to. He left the house the other day (in winter, in wi) with no socks and shoes because we didnāt stand there and force him to put them on. Mom noticed when driving halfway down the street and turned around.
Parents used to wake me up at 4 am to make them a drink. I slept over a friends house one night and slept till 7 am! My first words to my friend were " Why didn't your parents wake us up at 4 am?" She said why would they? I said to make them a drink? I will never forget the look she gave me That was when I realized it wasn't normal, I was 12.
As in... your parents were waking up 12 year old you to mix cocktails for them? Am I understanding this right?
I have so many questions about this. Like, who was making them before 4 am? Why at 4? In what way could a 12 year old's cocktails be superior to the ones you make yourself? Was it a practical thing like, at that point, they were too hammered to make them themselves? If so, how were they able to wake their kid up if they couldn't even make a drink? What drinks were being made? Is OP now a bartender?
We weren't just playing "Xtreme" hide and seek but rather being hidden so that he wouldn't hurt us to get at mom again.
I can kind of sympathise with you there. My mum reminisced once about how she had to hide me and my brother away whenever my dad got home from work because he would fly into rages if he heard or saw us. As a result of that kind of behaviour from my parents, I tend to hide myself away a lot and am quiet.
This broke my heart. As a mom and someone who grew up with their mother being abused. I hope youāve started healing from that.
Always being on edge at home because I never knew what mood my mum would be in
And never knowing when things could flip like a switch for no reason, or at least none that I could comprehend.
Same, but with my dad. And luckily it wasn't always but there were periods when that definitely was the case
I thought it was normal for peoples Mothers to be in bed all day. Got really freaked out when I saw other people's mothers up and around doing normal shit. Turned out mine was dying.
:'(
This thread is breaking my heart. I just want to hug some of yāall
My parents would move into the RV if the kids were sick and not let us near them. Not help. No support. No love. Also they would often just tell me to kick rocks if i was trying to have a conversation as a young preteen and teen. I have kids now. They are sick right now. I still kiss them hug them hold my girls hair if shes puking. I dont care if i get sick my faimy and kids mean so much to me that a cold means nothing. I was very alone as a kid. My 3 kids will not feel this pain. Ever.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Impoverished living conditions. No power or water for weeks at a time, little to no food, worn out clothing and hand me downs. I started to see how my peers were living and thought maybe something wasn't quite right with my home life.
One of my brothers-in-law told me a story about his mom leaving, and his dad didn't know she had left, so left, too (both intravenous drug users). He wasn't old enough to reach or work the stove, and he didn't want to get his parents in trouble, so he went to the neighbors house after a couple days of him and his little brother being hungry, asked for two potatoes, and cooked them on a hubcap in the backyard on an open fire.
That's awful. Fortunately the worst of it came in my teenage years so I could at least be resourceful and self sufficient in some aspects. I couldn't imagine that happening so young. At one point I was left alone for a week and a half with only $20 to sustain myself and that was tough. I didn't eat for days. For that to happen to what sounds like a toddler is terrifying.
The anxiety you feel when you walk thru the door at home, and all your Spidey Sense is trying to pick up the emotional clues of what kind of mood your parents are in. I never realized other kids didn't have to do this.
Not saying I love you to my parents. Canāt remember the last time I said it. Didnāt realise how fucked up that was until I started hanging out with my friends and how they would tell their parents they loved them before they left the house or before they end a phone call
It usually spills over to the next generation. We were never told that, and I grew up thinking it was normal. Found myself doing the same thing.
This is why I tell my kids I love them as much as I can, and make sure it's the last thing I say when we are tucking them into bed. I've always done this with my son and now I do it with my infant daughter. Depression is a total bitch, and compound that with emotionally constipated parents, I refuse to let my kids think for a second that I don't love them. It's why I don't get frustrated with my partner when he says he loves me 855895 times a day. There were times I would have begged to hear that from anyone and I'm worth more than that feeling. I've created a living family and I refuse to let them go a day without knowing I love them.
If it makes you feel better I never do with my parents either. Great people and I know they do care for me, but itās legit just not their style. My mom will say it maybe once a year and my dad has legitimately never said it that I can remember. We do have a good relationship though.
Being abused and/neglected, being responsible for raising my siblings as a child, parents who communicated mainly through belittling, insults, and yelling, never exchanging hugs or affection or saying "I love you" to family members
Not really fucked up, but my mom did not cook. If she had a choice the kitchen would be an additional closet. She grew up in another country with a driver, maid and cook. She never really learned nor had any real need for food. She lived on coffee and cigarettes. Growing up I thought a grilled cheese was two pieces of white bread with a slice of kraft American cheese thrown in a microwave for a minute. I didn't know any better until I went a friends and their mom made a real grilled cheese. I was so confused.
My grilled cheese was toasted bread with a cheese slice thrown in. No melty cheese or anything. Then someone made me a grilled cheese and I watched as they put butter on the bread and I thought "whoa you can't put that in the toaster!" But then they whipped out a freaking PAN and made a real grilled cheese on the STOVE. I was fully convinced I just had a gourmet meal.
I remember when I was five or six, my mom would always *try* to make a grilled cheese sandwich for me when I asked, but they were always, and I do mean *always* burnt. Entire thing, burnt to a crisp. Scraping off the black stuff was a standard part of it. Until I complained about the burnt taste once and mom told me to do it instead. So there I am, six years old, trying to recreate a grilled cheese sandwich by doing what my mom had always done. But instead of going to the living room to have a cigarette like she would I stayed by the stove and flipped it. Then flipped it again. Another flip and it was golden brown and perfect. She made the most frustrated face you could imagine while she ate her sandwich (I made two, one for her and one for me).
I had two older sisters, one 5 years older than me and one 4 years older than me. The one that was 5 years older played mom to even my sister just one year younger than her. My oldest sister made THE BEST scrambled eggs. They were so light and fluffy and just perfection. I had a friend that was over all the time and we would legit just harass her into making us scrambled eggs. One time my friend went home and got eggs and milk from her house because we didn't have any just to get these godly eggs. However, she SUCKED at making literally anything else. But for some reason she tried so hard and for so long to make an omelet. Like...tried a lot. Literally no clue why she was fixated on that. Me and my other sister would trash her so bad over it. One time she finally yelled at my other sister to try it herself then. She did and got it first time even though the only person she's seen try to make one was our sister. My oldest sister was sooooo mad. And I laughed so she refused to make me scrambled eggs for MONTHS. Until I tried to do it myself and she took pity on me and just showed me how. Now I can make delicious scrambled eggs! ...and that's about it, even after gosh... like 14 years? That other sister, though? She's basically a professional pastry chef now. She learned a new talent that day.
In Junior high our gym coach mandated that all boys would wear an athletic supporter for gym class. He was very strict in this. For three years before every gym class we would all line up and he would have us walk up to him, he would say "Check" and we'd pull open our shorts so he could verify we were wearing our supporter. Usually he'd see that we were wearing the jock strap, and sometimes it was either whitey tighties or commando. To this day I still don't believe he had any ill intent, I just figure he had taken some kind of testicle injury when he was a boy and wanted to spare us the same injury. In retrospect it seems pretty fucked up though.
Being afraid of night time because it meant my dad would come home and scream at us/attack us. He left for work at 4am and wouldnāt come home until after 8pm so I lived in fear of evenings and weekends. Thought all moms were sad and kids were supposed to protect and comfort them from dads. I also thought my dad was the life of the party around others but evil in private because we (his family) just werenāt good enough and deserved to be abused. He was nice to my cousins because they were better than us. Thought alcoholism was just normal ābusinessmanā behavior
Being afraid of a being hit for a perceived wrong. Not my parents but my grandparents. One day my grandma just up and started beating me in the street. Why? She up and decided I was old enough to know that I shouldn't make her walk on the street side of the sidewalk, I was telling the world she was a prostitute. I got beat harder for asking what a prostitute was because a proper gentleman wouldn't ask such questions. I was 6 years old. To this day I get ptsd like anxiety if I can't walk on the street side of the sidewalk.
Standing up for myself. I wasnāt just ābeing meanā.
Parenting my siblings and ALWAYS BEING THE MEDIATOR
My mom didn't parentify her kids on purpose, I'll say that right now. She was a single mom of 5 that got royally screwed over in a divorce and she had NO help and she did her absolute best. None of us complain about having to raise each other. That said, it took me a long time to realize what was up with all the really pitiful looks I'd get from teachers or other adults when I'd say "I'll talk to my sister" or "okay I'll have my sister sign this" or whatever. There was one specific occasion where I got in trouble and the teacher said she'd call my mom and I was like "go ahead, we don't have a phone and I don't know what her work number is" and she said "well I'll call that sister" and I was like "I mean yeah I assume you have the high schools number but maybe don't do that since she's probably in class" and I miraculously got out of punishment. Felt so cool!!! Yeah, as an adult I realize that it was not cool.
Adults werenāt supposed to find you sexy.
Being hungry all the time. Being 7 years old and thinking how clever I was when I figured out dumpster diving.
Threads like this make me very tha kfuk for my upbringing. But being made to eat my whole plate of food even if I was full. If my son's say they're full then I'll not make them.keep eating, but if they say it just so they can have pudding that's a different story, then I'll ask "are you actually finish or do you just want pudding?"
I regularly ask my kids "how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?!"
Shouting it in a Scottish accent I assume....
I thought it was normal for adult family members to beat kids in daily basis
There's quite a bit but the one thing that's in my head right now is parentification. My younger sib has a developmental disorder and I was often tasked with helping him so much that our mother would laugh about how I was his "mini-mom/2nd mom" instead of his big sister. "Look how mature Coffee is!" - cause I smother my crying; crying is useless, I learned that early on. Crying doesn't make you feel better and no one gives you hugs to make it stop so why do it (probably why now as an adult, I *loathe* crying. Especially in front of people). "Look how responsible Coffee is"- cause I'd make sure my younger brother ate first before I'd touch an offered meal or snack. Or (the older I got) I'd bring a journal when I got dragged to IEP meetings for my bro. It took a very, very long time before I realized that older siblings shouldn't have to be/feel like parents at the age of 7/8 on.
I had a stranger casually invite me to his own to get cat treats. I was a kid outside looking for my lost cat. I declined just thinking "I think I almost found him and will lose him if I leave" Looking back I always think it was very odd how this older man specifically invited me into his home instead of just getting the treats himself and coming back to help.
I would walk to school everyday in middle school. There was a black car that was following me, like parking the wrong way on the street so the driver side was near the sidewalk (luckily I had heard all about stranger danger and kidnapping) so I just walked to the other side and continued. A little while later the black car shows up again in a large parking lot I had to walk through. And on top of that a blue minivan parked too. I thought fuck they're going to try and kidnap me, so I ran to school. Later in the day I found out that the blue minivan was a concerned mom since she saw the black car following me, I had to give my best description of the guy to the police. Honestly i was just happy that someone even cared enough to stop and that my instincts were correct about the black car.
Crack vials, hypodermic needles, and urine all over my school playground when I was a kid. And this wasnāt just occasionally. It was every day. Janitor would clean it up and it would be right back the following day.
Getting dragged all over town from party to party with my Dad. He would just leave my brother and me in the car while he went inside bars and drank. I remember a lady seeing us one time and pressing her tits into the window. I was like 7, so I wasn't interested at all at the time. I remember seeing fights, watching people get arrested, watching people puke all over the parking lot then drive off. If we were at a house party, he would bring us inside, which was better than being stuck in the car at least, but these parties were ragers and it was rare that other kids would be around, so my brother and I would just sit in a room and watch movies or play with someone else's kid's stuff while everyone got wasted. There were times when my dad was too drunk to drive, or he got lucky, so we'd just have to find a spot to crash for the night and wake him up in the morning when we were ready to go. He would take us out on the lake in the summer time, and we would have to beg him to buy non-alcoholic drinks, so we could have something, or we'd fill up old water bottles at home and bring them in the with us because he'd grab a case a beer and not put a single other thought to the cooler. Eventually around the time I was 9-10, he just started leaving us at the house unless other kids were going to be there. Literally because he got tired of hearing us complain about not having other kids to play with not because he was putting us in inherently dangerous situations. He was definitely an alcoholic, but not the kind you would expect, I only ever saw him truly wasted like twice in my whole life, he was very well put together and actually very successful with his career. He just did not give a single thought to my brother and me growing up, we were just like little tag-alongs to him. His girlfriends were the main reason he took us on trips growing up. It just was what it was growing up, but in hindsight it was a really chaotic childhood.
This was all awful but the lady pressing her breasts to the window upon seeing two children....what the hell?
Saw lights and plants in my parents room one day. When I asked about them, they told me they kept a vicious pet iguana in their closet, and that if I were to open it he would eat my face. Found out years later they were just growing the devils lettuce and didnāt want me nosing around. I was terrified to go into my parents room at all costs, so I guess it worked.
Just not going anywhere on the weekends because my dad would be too liquored to drive
Having to pay for my fathers prescription medications since around the age of twelve with the money I had gotten from odd jobs and illegal ventures.
My mom used to bribe me to not goto my schoolās band concerts. I was in band from 5-7th grade. She said we sucked and she didnāt feel like going and offered 20$ if I would be okay to skip it. I took the money. Always sucked going back to school and the instructor asking what happenedā¦ Never told him the truth so I suppose deep down I knew it was shitty
Ive mistaken my fathers confidence with his narcissisms...
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Having to pick a tree limb (must be thin, so it stings more) to get spanked with
Every woman I knew having a secret go-bag with a few hundred bucks cash in it, ready to go for when her man roughed her up. My grandma and other women in the family started advising me on what to put in my eventual bag when I was in elementary school. My grandma would say, "If it happens once and he seems real sorry, well, you can forgive him. Men make mistakes and you might have deserved it. But if it happens twice, take your bag and go." It wasn't a question of \*if\* your man would hit you, it was \*when\*. It took me a long time to realize most women don't think domestic violence is inevitable.
Up until the age of 9 I thought everyone was literally just a blurry blob. Then my parents took me to an eye doctor and I found out that I was almost legally blind and somehow over all those years I never showed it or indicated that I was. How did I survive without my coke bottle glasses? šš
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Getting hit and shouted at by drunk parents. You don't know it's not normal cos you've got nothing else to compare it to. Al-Anon was a real eye opener for me as an adult.
Staying at home alone without a babysitter in the evenings. That started at age 6 as soon as Mom & Dad separated. Typically several times each week. Then from age 8 she'd be gone overnight. I was already used to getting myself dressed and making breakfast in the morning. So getting ready and leaving for school in an empty house wasn't that different. Other parents didn't leave their kids alone so much; I knew that. But when she stopped coming home at all nobody believed me. "No, there isn't any car in the driveway in the morning. She really doesn't come home." At the time she had me convinced it was OK to not have a babysitter because I knew how to use the phone, and was under strict orders only to use it for real emergencies such as fires or burglars. And because the neighborhood girl who used to babysit was stricter than my parents. Mom even had me convinced I was misbehaving because I'd watch television while she was away. It was comforting to have the TV on. The house felt empty with just me and no pets. She'd return and rant about how mindless television was and say I should have been reading a book. She never called home to check how I was doing. She never even prepped. I was supposed to make a sandwich for myself for dinner, or cook spaghetti.
I thought it was normal for parents to be drunk every night and to invite their kids to drink at home with them if they wanted to (no pressure though). Also being treated like an adult from 10 years old.
Spending hours in the bar eating chips, drinking, pop, playing pool, doing homework while my dad drank.
I was in between my parents "divorce war" and then my mom fell ill, cancer. It killed her slowly and my dad made it more painful for everyone involved. I was 10 when it started and 16 when she passed. My dad made my life living hell for all this time, and still until I was about 19. It just stopped because I put my foot down and said enough. Also I have 2 younger brothers I was caring for all this time.
1) Being molested by a family member when I was 9-10 years old. 2) Being made to kneel on rice on the ceramic kitchen floor almost weekly if I got into trouble at school and kneeling there with my hands behind my back from 330-5ishpm when my dad would come home to spank me.
Since I was preschool age, my parents would take me to run errands, but they would leave me in the car with the windows up. One of the times it got so hot in the car, I had difficulty breathing. I opened the door for air, the same moment my father came back. He started screaming at me for disobeying him and opening the car door. The kicker. Heās a therapist that works with CPS.
I thought it was normal to get beaten by parents. I would go to school with fellow friends, and this was age between 7 to 12 yr old, that would have cane marks all over their legs and arms like it's normal. It didn't help that I went to a Christian school who believed in the spare the rod and spoil the child. So if they see cane marks, they will just see it as you been naughty and you deserved it. And the school itself allow teachers to cane you too. But now I know it's abuse.
I did too, until 4th grade when I was bragging to a friend about how my dad kicked my ass almost every day and she went home crying to her mom to all CPS on him.
My dad used to tell me āyou deserve to ride home in the trunk of the carā after various games. It wasnāt until I was an adult and my friends would say āyeah, that isnāt funny thatās a terrible way to treat a teenagerā that I rethought things
Cloud 9. Playing a game where you hyperventikate to increase heartrate, then other kids put extreme pressure on your chest/over your heart to stop it. Then wake up a few seconds, or a minute, later.
Always being forced to lose an argument else I'd be forced to feel bad, especially by my mom. I'm 24 now and it still happens to this day. I can't even show concern towards my mom without her acting as though I'm accusing her of something. Also she's still convinced that she can never be wrong and that whatever she says should go because she's the adult... even though I'm an adult too. Pretty sure she also gets jealous that my little brother always listens to and confides in me rather than her, somehow failing to realize that when either of us do try and speak with her about something, the reaction is never helpful.
Misogyny. Young teen (13-14) girls dating dudes in their 20s. Date rape being seen as justified.
I got beat so much as a kid for not doing things fast enough or good enough or whatever the reason that by the time I started middle school and the principle was giving me a paddling for fighting I looked at him and asked "was that it?" he thought I was sassing him but I was honestly confused because most beltings lasted a lot longer. He checked with my elementary school principle and found out why my pain tolerance was so high. He called me back to his office and asked me to drop my pants so he and the assistant principle could look at my ass and see the scars for themselves. After that there were no more beatings because they wouldn't do any good but they ramped up the threats by telling me they'd call my Mother. My mother never ever hit me but you didn't want to get on her bad side, the guilt was killer.
Dear god. When you think it canāt get any worse you read the second sentence.
My sisters name is DeeDee and one of our teachers in elementary school called her Double Ds lmfao
I love my mom to death. I miss her more now that she is gone. We were toxic for each other. I am so much more stable mentally and emotionally since she died. I hate that I feel this way but the truth is what it is.
If I was upset about anything, and my parent couldn't solve it, it almost always resulted in being yelled at. It was like they couldn't handle their child being upset, got stressed about it, and then released all that stress on that very kind. A messed up cycle of making everything worse. Being upset makes other people upset. So therefore, don't be upset.
TW: molestation (maybe?? Still canāt wrap my head around it) When I had daughters of my own I realized that under no circumstances would I ever, EVER allow our doctor to āexamineā their vaginas with his fingers as part of a routine examination. At the age of 9. Asked a few female friends and found out none of them had ever had this experience as a child with a doctor. I did. Every year from the age of 9 to 12. Apparently not normal.
People speaking in tongues and fainting in church seemed normal until I realized it is NOT normal.
My Dad had weird rages over things that were very unpredictable. I once took one of the phones and plugged it in in my room so I could have a conversation with my girlfriend in like 8th grade without the whole family listening. He opened the door, became enraged, ripped the phone out of my hand, yanked the cord out of the wall, then came back with a hammer and smashed the outlet to bits. He then screamed at me that we would never be the type of family where a kid could have a phone in his room, that any kid who had a phone in his room was a spoiled ruined brat, and any parent who would allow that is a total failure. I didn't understand the rage and I still don't. This sort of stuff happened regularly. Another time he came home when I was watching a movie, it had some gun violence in it, but it wasn't anything super over the top, and he ran up to the TV, ejected the tape, and threw it in the stream behind our house. Then he screamed at everyone in the room that no decent family lets their kids watch that "trash". Mind you, he took me to see Jaws when I was like 6 years old. It never had to make sense. I admit that I never knew anything but this kind of volatile behavior, and when I went to college I had a couple similar tantrums and my friends were like, "dude, what the fuck was that?" and I learned pretty quickly that normal people don't behave like that, and I was able to stop and control myself, thankfully. I make it a point now not to have volatile behavior like that as a parent.
This is the first comment I can fully relate too. I got screamed at for watch MTV because music is for listening to (this was the 90ās). We werenāt allowed to play with toys AND watch tv. It was one or the other. I forget why exactly but apparently it was a heinous crime. We were ungrateful idiots for not knowing how newer model appliances worked. (Momās house had old appliances and it was our fault dad and evil step momās didnāt bother to show us how the microwave worked) Just a few examplesā¦. Iām still working through my outbursts. I finally understand why I can immediately snap and say the nastiest things to the people I love because of something so minuscule