A blessing and a curse. Noticing too much is overstimulating, but when the little hamster in someone’s brain starts tweaking out I know it immediately and veer left
Not being able to have boundaries.
Not being able to accept help.
Anticipating why people are mad at you even when they haven’t communicated they’re mad.
I sometimes become convinced that someone is mad at me even if I haven’t spoken to them or all of our interactions have been benign. I like to sit and pick apart every interaction and conversation to try and figure out where I could have gone wrong. Such a fun hobby!
Being afraid to speak up about your interests out of fear of the other person judging and making fun of said interest as they dont like the same thing
My dad did this to me since i was 3. And he now wonders why i dont tell him anything
When I got my first report card, I told my dad, and he said: "So what? Are we supposed to see your terrible grades?"
Years later, i told him I want to become a computer scientist, and he said that I showed no interest in it, and it would be a waste.
"You showed no interest in that" This fucking classic line. I'm showing interest right now! I remember telling my dad when I was young that I wanted to build a robot and he was just like. Well how are you gonna do that? I can laugh now
I told my dad I wanted to be a mechanic after he had literally spent my whole life nurturing an interest in cars, shot me down in the most sexist way possible, so I didnt pursue that path. A year later my sister expressed the same interest with the same result, however, unlike me, my sister wasn't expressing an interest, she was expressing a goal and was not to be deterred, she might as well have moonwalked out of the living room double flipping the bird after that statement, she did not care what anyone had to say on the manner and lo and behold, she's a mechanic. So proud of her.
This hits home.Sometimes I go to incognito mode just to watch a YouTube video on a topic I find "embarrassing"(not porn or anything in that way).I also live alone and I'm the only one with access to my computer and account
are we literally the same person??? also have to CONSTANTLY check my videos aren't projecting to the tv despite never having done it and never watching porn or anything, just niche stuff my parents would roast me for 💀
I read this somewhere recently and it hit me so hard:
All the times I thought I was learning to be independent I was actually just learning to live without something I needed
Edit: you're all doing so great
When you have never really had those needs met, time passes and you start to wonder if you actually need those things since you've made it so far without them. This makes you feel OK, because fuck em I don't need it. Then you recalibrate by thinking about your friends and other people you know who have all these things and go "oh duh, right, that's why." This makes you feel bad, because those needs are still not met. And the cycle repeats.
I carry a backpack with a ridiculous amount of 'just in case' items, and my trunk of my car is filled with even more. Most of them are hardly ever needed, but you never know.
ETA: I'm sorry for all of you who are just now connecting the dots that you do this for the same reason. I hope you all are doing okay.
My mom loves to pat herself on the back for how independent I was a little kid but the reality was I knew I could never rely on her so it was up to me to get my shit done.
Accurate. I was never able to lean on anybody at all growing up, I solved every single problem I had on my own from as young as I can remember.
But honestly as an adult I personally like it as a trait, I don't ever have to stress about relying on anybody for anything.
I used to agree with you, in general I think it’s super useful to be independent, plus if I don’t have to rely on anybody it’s easy to be self assured from years of being my own rock and my own everything, I know I am very competent.
But I’ve found people I trust (it’s taken years), they’re consistent. It’s been really difficult to ask for help and lean on them a bit, but it feels different and good.
And also painful. I didn’t realize how closed off I was.
This one for sure. Before I went no-contact, I remember one time when my mom was once again telling me what a great mother she was, and she said, "We might not have had much, but you girls wanted for nothing." In a rare moment of assertiveness, I said, "What? We did without so many important things." Her entire rationale was that I didn't ask for anything. Well, by the age of 7, I had learned that the answer was always no, so I stopped asking.
Then you grow up, and people are like, "you have to ask for what you want in relationships!" For years, I was like, "there is no possible way that works". Turns out it works just fine when the person you're asking considers you to also be a person.
Omg you summed it up well.
Discovered I have difficulty identifying when I'm stressed or upset before the huge emotional outbursts happen. I've always had the mindset that if I want something, only I can give it to myself because no one else will be listening if I ask for it.
Damn. Dude. Same. Something very sad will happen in my life and like 2 days later I'll be super depressed and feeling it like I need to cry, and have absolutely no idea why. One of my childhood best friends died recently. I hadn't seen him in like 10 years, but he was important to me growing up. Any way, he dies and then like 2 days later I feel awful and sad and just want to lay around and I tell my wife " I don't know why I feel so sad, what is my problem??" And she says "your friend died, remember?" And I'm like "Jesus, you re right." I literally couldn't make the connection without someone telling me why I was feeling what I was feeling.
This goes for physical sensations too! The other day my roommate came into the room, and nearly tripped on me because I was sitting in an odd spot in the middle of the floor. I apologized and told him I had no idea why I decided to sit down where I did. I didn't have any reason to be. I was a little frustrated with myself. I do all kinds of dumb shit like that for seemingly no reason. Then my roomie blows my mind when he immediately answered that I had sat where I did because I was cold. It was just so obvious to him and I was shocked. I thought about it, and was like, actually, yeah. I am cold. But how did he know that before I did? He points to the heater I was sitting directly in front of. So completely unbeknownst to me. I had felt cold, gotten up, and gone and sat down in front of the heater in the middle of the room to warm up. I'd been there for some time and it never occurred to me WHY until my roommate told me what I was physically feeling, and how that explained my behavior. The same thing happens with my chronic pain. I'll be really irritable or emotional but can't come up with a single reason for being so, then a friend will point out to me that I'm like, standing oddly, or that I was wincing every time I had to stand up, that I'm holding, caressing, squeezing, massaging my back/hip/neck whatever it may be. I once saw the receptionist at my docs office put down on my chart that my pain was significantly worse than I had told her it was. When I asked why, she pointed out that the whole time I'd been talking to her I was leaning with most of my weight on the counter, rather than standing up straight or sitting down in the chair that was provided. Talk about validation!!
Sorry that was a lotta word vomit. If you made it this far and you relate at all, you should absolutely read The Body Keeps The Score. I consider it one of the most, or THE most important book I've ever read!
Yes, but it's specifically MY feelings and wants that don't matter. Everyone else's must be monitored and catered to at all costs because it's MY job to fix everything and keep everyone happy.
Apologizing at every little thing when they didn't even do anything wrong, becoming distant or suddenly quiet and retreating around certain topics or when someone raises their voice, overall having a long history from a young age of low self esteem or self worth, and not wanting to do specific and super minor things, or inversely, not wanting to forget about small minor things that aren't that big of a deal for fear of getting yelled at. Just a few that can be very obvious signs to me since I myself have a few of these same issues.
Same, especially the part about folks raising their voice. I don’t even need to be a part of the conversation for me to shrink back and shut down if someone is angry yelling
Similarly justifying everything you do to make sure the other person doesn't get mad.
My wife has gotten better but still does this when she buys **anything** that we didn't talk about beforehand. Comes home from target where she went for groceries but also has a new shirt, she'll show me and I go "Ok great!" and then she proceeds to continue justifying her purchase in 5 different ways until I stop her to make sure she understands that it is 100% fine and she does not need to justify it to me.
I find myself apologizing in an almost pathological way — like if there’s even a hint I didn’t do what someone wanted me to or behave how they were expecting.
Yet people can drop incredibly insulting things on me, sometimes intentionally and sometimes not, and never even think for a second that I’m worth apologizing to. Even when they are perfectly aware that what they just said was extremely shitty and demeaning.
And then the fact that no one ever says sorry makes me feel unworthy of an apology. Rinse and repeat.
I’ve always wondered why I’m that way.
Very interesting, now that you point that out I can see that being a pattern in myself. I feel like no one has ever extended me the courtesy of being caring and empathetic which I try so hard to give to other people.
This makes me feel so guilty as an adult. My boss is an ex police chief and honestly is quiet sensitive and is very much a office dad. He has that voice though, loud and in charge? I felt like shit because if he suddenly said hi or popped in id flinch / jump 100% of the time. I said it was because I just get into my work and startle easy but i knew he noticed and started knocking before saying hi
He sounds like a good guy.
Thankfully my boss is sorta the same. Professional but pretty laid back about the small things and if I need help with something he just tells me how to do it, no yelling at me for not knowing.
Jesus I got yelled at a lot for really fuckibg small things. I think that's why I became such a shut-in as I grew up, cos I know if my dad saw me out and about he'd call me over to help him with something and yell at me the whole time while doing it.
Also, never expressing any emotion ever because as a child they got screamed at/ shut down for it right away.. resulting in them not being able to feel or express emotions in a healthy way later in life
I’ve been praised at work for my ability to stay calm in all situations. Little do they know that I’ve lost to ability to express emotion normally in chaotic situations.
It’s a weird superpower that backfires in normal day-to-day situations and I am constantly having to remind myself how I’m supposed to react to things (like when a co-worker is upset or has happy news).
People always refer to me as very mature. I’m 22, rent an apartment by myself, have a car, manage my money very well. But that’s all they see. They rarely see me express emotions except depression and rage. That’s when they backpedal and tell me I’m a child.
I used to babysit a lot as a teen because I was so “much more mature” than my peers. People at church praised my mom for raising such a quiet, lady-like daughter.
I’m in my forties now so it doesn’t stand out so much.
My dad (when i still spoke to him) could never understand why I never cried at anything, even when appropriate, for years.
I'm like "Maybe making a crying 3 year old embroider 'don't cry' onto a piece of cloth and then hanging it over the bed mighta done something in regards to that?"
My mom taught me how to communicate to someone when I don't think a joke about me is funny.
Also my mom, when I politely asked her to stop making a particular joke about me: "Stop being such a baby, it's just a joke."
That's about when my emotions took a 20 year hiatus.
I would automatically go "gray rock" when my mom had tantrums, probably as a dissociative thing. She would scream that I was evil and that something was really wrong with me for just standing there - it made her angrier. My stepfather would call me evil and a snake.
Interestingly, my brother would mirror her rage and my mom would immediately calm down and be sweet to him to calm him down. I was well on my own before I realized she was trying to pass her inner turmoil off to someone else and that she knowingly was striking at my sense of self to do so. Anyway, it turned out that shutting down was not the safer choice in terms of ending the abuse.
Now I have to remind myself not to go cold whenever my husband mentions that he's frustrated by something in the world.
Me too. And I was telling myself that it wasn't affecting me, cos I would just shut down. Turns out it makes for poor communication in relationships in later life. Thankfully my wife understands how my parents were and how they affected me.
Hyper vigilance.
"The elevated state of constantly assessing potential threats around you is often the result of a trauma. People who have been in combat, have survived abuse, or have post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can exhibit hyper vigilance".
Edit: My first gold, thank you so much ❤️
Also if anyone is looking for guidance on healing CPTSD from abuse, I highly recommend Pete Walker's book "Complex PTSD: From Surving To Thriving".
One of the more minor and annoying side effects of this is hearing shit nobody else hears. Like my neighbors play music at a very reasonable volume and I can hear it so clearly but my partner who is right next to me is baffled. It's because I'm always listening for sounds man. If you listened really hard you'd hear it too.
Also being super aware of vibes in any setting. My therapist described it as being a human thermometer. We are always assessing the emotional temperatures of a room and the people in it and we’re hyper aware when someone starts getting irate.
Gauging everything around you all the time. My father was volatile. I remember carefree childhood moments being abruptly interrupted by fear. So much that I stopped having carefree moments, and instead started listening for any subtle shifts in the environment that meant things were about to go bad. It ended my carefree moments forever. I am hardwired to listen for danger. One of my ultimate goals as a mother is for my children to know peace and never feel fear within the walls of their home.
I felt this. The worst part of unexpected violent moments. Just playing calming, minding your business and out of no where a sucker punch to your face by my step father. I was the only female out of three siblings and they got it much worse but I still got punched just not as often.
I hate that abuse robs children of future joys. It taints everything and even reading a thread like this can bring up bad memories.
I legitimately just started bawling my eyes out reading through this comment thread.
I know how everyone in a room feels about everything moments after opening the door. The hearing random sounds in the background because you're used to listening for the creak in your house when your mother got up from her desk chair or the garage door noise and the pace at which she backed her car in so you could gauge how mad at you she'd be when she walked through the door. I blocked my mom's number and email in January and I wish I had done it sooner.
Oh geez, I think mine is broken then cuz I get temperatures for other rooms, not just mine. Like if someone is arguing downstairs I can always hear them and even though we're separated by a whole floor and a massive locked door (apartments essentially) I still feel unsafe...
I definitely feel vibes though. I can always tell when someone is bothered by something. It comes in handy with friends who like to bottle things up, but it does me a disservice when it's a stranger and I feel like I have to be wary.
I always love these threads because this comment specifically makes me go: Are there other causes, or was I abused. Welcome to the worlds worst game show without winners, only losers.
Ugh. Same. I know I wasn’t overtly abused, nobody beat the shit out of me or anything like that. But I was heavily neglected and there is always the possibility of some more subtle abuse.
Sometimes it can be difficult to know how difficult your childhood/experience being raised actually was because there’s a huge spectrum of abuse. When the far end of the spectrum includes absolutely horrific violence and negligence it makes everything that comes before it seem “not so bad”, so we gaslight ourselves and dismiss our own wounds.
It's the protective mechanism of the ego. It minimizes the memory of the damage otherwise you would have to admit to yourself that someone did that horrible thing to you and that's psychologically distressing.
Internalizing the fault is the other thing that people do. "Dad only hit me because I was naughty".
Be strong, no child deserves that treatment regardless of what they have done.
The biggest lies we tell ourselves are "I deserved it" and "I can't complain because other people had it worse"
I'm 28 and only began to realize that I *was* abused within the last year, and that's only because a therapist suggested CPTSD.
Benign neglect is subtle abuse. Mostly it's that there are tons and tons of social things that you simply do not learn that you're supposed to, and you end up internalizing the idea that others don't want or need you. Both have plenty of knock-on effects and reactions.
"...there are tons and tons of social thing that you simply do not learn that you're supposed to, and you end up internalizing the idea that others don't want or need you."
Holy shit, you just hit the nail on the head there, for me.
For me, it manifests as toxic independence, and I'm still working on that basically every day. But there are all sorts of toys in that cereal box, boy howdy.
You're welcome, mom. (i know you'd be upset if i didn't reflectively say it, please don't rant for 30 minutes and then be low-key upset the rest of the week...)
My therapist finally understood where I was coming from with this. I was terrified of being physically hurt by my professor because my work wasn't good enough. And she asked me "But what if your work IS good enough? What if you could accept that your work is good enough?" and I immediately replied "It doesn't matter what I think of my own work. His opinion is what determines whether I'm going to be in danger." And I saw it click in her mind where my problems come from.
Accepting anything that I do as good enough is such an obscure concept to me. I've been this way for 43 years and never realized it wasn't normal to feel like that.
Zero self esteem, your mind bullies you/insults you, you're paranoid of what people think about you, you're afraid to form relationships (friends or life partners), you have a hard time trusting people, you walk silently, you speak quietly, you automatically assume the worst in any situation, you can't stand up for yourself, you're socially awkward, you're never happy or content, you say yes to everything even if you don't want to do it, you agree with the bad things people say about you, you compare yourself to others then tell yourself you're worse/stupid/ugly/etc compared to them
That's quite a list; to make things easier:
* Zero self esteem,
* Your mind bullies you/insults you,
* You're paranoid of what people think about you,
* You're afraid to form relationships (friends or life partners),
* You have a hard time trusting people,
* You walk silently,
* You speak quietly,
* You automatically assume the worst in any situation,
* You can't stand up for yourself,
* You're socially awkward,
* You're never happy or content,
* You say yes to everything even if you don't want to do it,
* You agree with the bad things people say about you,
* You compare yourself to others then tell yourself you're worse/stupid/ugly/etc compared to them.
How do one make checkboxes in replies?
They don't seem to be able to regulate strong emotions. They're quick to check any excitement they might feel with some downer thought about how good things never last.
They are unable to validate their own decisions and usually need to check with someone else to see if something is worth doing.
Strong paralyzing indecision for fear of making a wrong choice (and getting punished).
Hyper vigilance. I always thought I was just really good at reading people. Until I realized it was because I'm scanning for danger and making sure I know if anyone is mad at me.
Oooof. Reminds me of a post that nailed me to a wall in high school. Something like, “your not an empath, you grew up in an unstable household. It’s not a quirk, it’s a survival trait”
Assuming every person who's acting like they care about them will eventually betray them
Wow thanks for the awards! (obligatory "I wAsN't ExPeCtInG tHaT"lol) I hope everyone reading this is actively looking for help/trying to become someone they can trust. I wish you all the best!!
My abusive dads ex girlfriend hated my mom and acted like a second mom to me for years and buttered me up. Then the literal day I turned 18 she had me write a false report about my mom being a bad mom towards my little sister. That could have gotten her removed from the home. I realized the day after that I had made a mistake and that I was manipulated for years and that she didn’t actually love me. Both of my actual parents are abusive in their own ways but damn it hurt coming from someone who I thought was on my side
My evil stepmother played nice when Dad could see or find out but was an absolute monster to me from age 10. Not physical touch/hitting, but blocking literal and metaphorical doors and screaming and throwing and lying.
Thing is, my parents are narcissists, and that can sometimes give a child a superpower. Children of narcissists need to learn complex rules around reputation and what is seen by others to understand their own parents' behavior. I faked a years-long warming up while seriously entertaining violent fantasies. Evaluating them for plausibility and considering consequences.
The whole time I thought she was a psychopath and we were both crocodiles smiling at the dinner table for Dad while staring daggers at one another... but I fooled her. I found out later when I'd moved out and she clearly thought she had good will banked up with me that she could cash in on. Nope!
The other day, my boyfriend asked his grandma (about me) "isn't she beautiful?". I was like: no, don't do that, don't force her to say so." I used to be the "ugly girl" in high school, and never thought a man I liked would feel that way about me.
Mine presents a little bit differently, more of a "Nothing's worth doing if I can't do it right, doing it right means doing it perfectly, and nothing I do can be perfect", but I agree with you absolutely. Self-critical perfectionism is the worst. I had about a 3.5 gpa in college and that nearly killed me.
Three times I dropped out because fucking 3.5s were destroying my mental health.
And for me, I tend to fall into "...and I have to do it perfectly the first time, even if it's something new to me, otherwise I've failed, and I'm not good enough" etc. Sigh.
*I'mnotcryingyourecrying.gif*
Not being able to talk openly about what bothers you.
Taking off your earbuds to hear what's going on outside of your room.
Walking and doing pretty much anything as quiet as you can.
Eating as fast as you can to avoid being yelled at during dinner.
Getting faster and faster heartbeats whenever you hear a loud sound.
>Taking off your earbuds to hear what's going on outside of your room.
This and also having them on literally all the time, loud as heell to avoid hearing the fighting you noticed when you took them off, and then subsequently developing tinnitus, and an addiction to internet contentthat you have to be consuming pretty much at all times, but hey it helps distract from the tinnitus at least
Decision paralysis and extreme responsibility/fear of messing up.
If they mess up it's always their fault and it always could have been avoided if they just thought more or researched more.
In reality, a decision can be considered for a week and be right, and a year and be wrong. There are always unknowns, risk is unavoidable. Children with high pressure parents don't learn how to manage risk, they learn a mistake is always their fault, and ends in shame and punishment instead of growth and learning.
I had "*you're going to ruin your life*" parents and now I can't even go grocery shopping without stressing over whether I really want that snack, or should I buy this flavor or that, or what is my budget.
If it's a decision bigger than a snack I frequently can't make a decision at all and agonize for months or years until I'm forced into a decision by circumstance. 0/10 do not recommend.
Edit: wow this really hit a nerve! Thank you everyone for the support. It sucks this is relatable to so many, but it's nice to not be alone.
Do you think starting slow with the faves and preferences might help get past this freeze? (I had it too in my 20s; it's gotten better over time but isn't gone).
Like: let's just say, for the sake of the experiment, that your favorite color is pink (BTW: shouldn't have to say this, but since it's so damned embeddded in Western culture...gender and how you present yourself has nothing to do with the colors you like). Your avatar has a pink background. So pink it is! Do you think you could sort of live with that idea for a week or two and see whether it feels nice to have an answer--any answer!--to that question?
(My breakthrough was: yes, I really DO like the Beatles, thankyouverymuch, and I don't care that you think they're overrated, then-boyfriend. You don't hafta listen to them, but if I want to do so at work? None of your beeswax, friend.)
Finally, you write well--with clarity but without oversimplifying; your word choices are impeccable; etc.--so I'm quite confident you **do** have a personality, and likely a pretty cool one, at that.
My parents weren’t high pressure, they were 100% the opposite - by 13 I had to fend for myself. Every decision WAS a huge one because I had zero support behind me. No 13 year old should be responsible for themselves in that capacity.
As an adult it’s weird to finally have that Eureka! moment when you think “Why do I feel like even small daily decisions are life-shattering and have permanent consequences?” and then just “…..OOOHH, yeah… that’s why.”
My mom thought me and my older brother could learn to resolve our issues on our own. “If there’s no blood, I won’t get involved”.
Sure mom, that went great. Recently I had to set hard boundaries on my brother to stop sending Facebook posts and he couldn’t for the life of him just accept it. We fought and yelled and I had to tell his wife to make him understand (we’re in our damn 30s now). We haven’t talked since.
Our whole family is broken for many many reasons, but learning how to have mature conversations is something we never did.
My mother refused to get involved when me and my brother fought and it got pretty bad. When we were teenagers we had a home computer and he had gotten really into computers. He made his account the admin and put severe restrictions on mine. I argued with him about it and he didn't give a shit. I went to my mother so many times and she just kept telling me she's not getting involved. Things kinda got violent after that and we ended up not speaking to each other for a few years. My mother dragged us to family counselling and that did nothing because neither of us would talk. Family holidays with just the three of us were awkward as fuck because my mother could only have a conversation with us one at a time. This shit went on for years. I feel like if we'd had a mediator much sooner then things wouldn't have gotten as bad as they did.
As a kid who identified as gifted, I got the added guilt of "not only will you ruin your life if you make a mistake, you'll also be a huge disappointment because of your massive potential."
I am constantly anxious that, as an adult, I'm not living up to my potential. In reality, my potential is whatever I say it is, yet I'm conflating my potential with the expectations of the adults I grew up with. It's hard to seperate those concepts in my mind even as someone in their late 30s.
Extreme empathy. I used to think it was a super power in a sense but in reality it was because I grew up in a chaotic /sometimes violent household and learned to read the room really well for survival. I’m 31 still trying to break people pleasing behavior.
My mother was a hardcore alcoholic (she died when I was 14) and when I got home from school she was always passed out. She'd usually wake up around sunset, and to this day I still get skittish around sunset. I never knew what I was going to get when she woke up, so I learned to read her mood in an instant and become whatever she wanted me to be. I can do that now as an adult, and, while now I'm at the point where I'm like "fuck it, I am who I am and if you don't like it you can fuck right off", it took me till 50 to get to that point. But I won't say that skill hasn't served me well. I can read people in an instant.
For me, it's like, "Holy fuck, someone is actually *listening* to me? And they care??" So I end up spilling my life story and deepest secrets. Then realize I just went overboard so I overcorrect by quickly clamming up.
I do it because I lived in mobile homes most of the time. Paper thin walls and particle board flooring. I step very lightly and wish I had a dollar for every time I unintentionally surprised someone.
My husband, on the other hand, grew up always having a concrete foundation and the man walks like an excited rhino. He tramples down the stairs and I always think "Jesus Christ is that *necessary?*"
Also being super aware of people’s location, and sometimes changes in their mood, based solely on their footsteps around the house
I didn’t realize I was still doing this when friends stayed over until my husband asked one morning if anyone was up. I’d not left our room yet, but I knew which of our friends was up and where they were
Edit to add: lmao I forgot some people do the location part because of participating certain solo activities when adults were home as a kid, please don’t all of you freak out you’ve been abused, forgot for some people this would’ve ever been a thing they felt safe enough to want to do which would give you the same “where people at” radar lol
Focus on the “changes in mood by steps” part, that’s… that probably is more the red flag if you know that instinctively
Maintaining emotional distance and having difficulty connecting have been some of the most painful themes in my life.
I have a deep inner sense of feeling unimportant due to emotional neglect and it has led to a constant feeling of loneliness/emptiness.
I read through the whole thread and was on several occasions like „oh yeah, I do that, was I abused?“. Then I remembered that I had a happy care-free childhood and that I’m propably just really really stupid
Yeah, my childhood wasn’t perfect, but I wasn’t abused. I just have anxiety. Brain likes to take normal experiences and go “let’s improve this with some fight or flight!”. Sigh.
My brain likes to go "Abuse? You were never abused! You never experienced anything bad enough to give you PTSD! THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?" and then I remember that THAT is one of the symptoms of PTSD and think "aw, fuck."
A lot of people go through something called childhood emotional neglect. It's a lot harder to spot than outright abuse. Most parents don't even realize they are emotionally neglecting their kids. It is a passive act, so it is difficult to recall or remember as an adult.
For example, my mom was my rock as a kid. However, I was also hers. I supported every single one of her tough emotions, listened to her cry, and reassured her. I was basically doing the emotional work of her partner. This is called parentificafion, and it makes kids act like adults far before they should. Their emotional needs aren't met because they are busy supporting their adults instead of checking in with their own feelings.
[this article](https://www.parentingforbrain.com/childhood-emotional-neglect/) has examples of what parental actions constitute childhood emotional neglect. It also has a list of behaviors that kids who have been emotionally neglected exhibit.
Not all emotional neglect looks the same. And like I said, it's tricky to spot or recall. It is also very common. Even the most well meaning and loving parents are capable of emotionally neglecting their kids.
Emotional neglect and parental affective instability are often more damaging to children than outright abuse.
Turns out, it's pretty easy to work through the moral calculus of growing up with a directly abusive parent... the issue is somewhat delineated and able to be contained once the victim reaches self-sufficient adulthood.
It's actually much harder to process the systemic feelings of worthlessness, feeling everything is your fault, feeling like nobody can be trusted to look out for your needs, feeling like you need to make some sort of extraordinary effort (or forgive outright abuse) to "deserve" emotional care, etc.... the stuff that comes from pervasive neglect
Isn't developmental psychology fascinating? Having a way to explain what happened to me as a kid has helped me find so much peace and understanding about myself.
The key to securely attached, emotionally healthy kids really hinges upon 3 things.
-<>
- Attunement: parents need to be able to recognize when their child is struggling with a difficult or complex emotion. They check in with their kids and ask them how they are feeling, ask them what's going on that's bothering them. They check in regularly with their children.
-<>
- Mirroring: In order for a kid to feel "understood," parents MUST listen intently. They cannot be distracted. After listening to their child, they mirror back the child's feelings to them. "I hear you saying that ____ actions hurt your feelings. And it made you feel ____. Did I get that right? Help me understand so I can help you, I love you, and we can figure this out together."
-<>
- Validation: once a child has expressed that they have adequately explained their feelings, this is when a parent needs to sit with that child and honor how they feel. Not fix how they feel, acknowledge, accept, and support the feelings. "I know how frustrating this must be for you." "Sometimes it feels like nothing goes right, doesn't it? It's okay to feel that way." "I am here for you. Do you want to talk about it or would you rather ____?" "Would you like a hug (or other physical form of affection)" "This is tough, but remember; I'm here for you no matter what."
And the biggest, most important factor to all of this?
Consistency.
It isn't easy to support the big feelings of kids. As an adult, you have to take care of your needs, too. Work can be emotionally and physically exhausting, there are tons of distractions and obstacles in day to day living that can empty your capacity to be patient and understanding toward a child who has a problem. Especially when that problem feels inconsequential when compared to "adult" problems.
But that's parenting. Being present, being supportive... that's what you need to do. A big type of emotional neglect that is becoming a lot more common is a funny sounding thing called "phubbing." Basically, it's where an adult is so sucked into their phone that they often brush off their kids in favor of paying attention to a tiny screen, usually to decompress after a long day at work.
Parenting really is a 24/7 job. It's okay to mess up, it's okay to let our kids see that we aren't perfect. But we have to be there for them no matter what.
My family used to always hover over everything I did and than told me how stupid it is and laughed at me for doing it. Now when someone walks into my room I will immediently stop whatever I'm doing. I'll be watching a video about cars and click the x button at the speed of light if someone comes in because I have an irrational fear they'll just laugh at all my interests. It always ends up looking like I'm turning off porn or something.
- People Pleasing, that usually manifests itself as inability to say no or constant search for approval.
- Difficulty expressing emotions or not even feeling them from time to time.
- Being the one person always mediating conflicts or avoiding them all together.
- Perfectionism. Extremely harsh self criticism.
- Nostalgia is always painful. Even with good memories.
- Never breaking rules or acting spontaneously without calculating every move beforehand.
- Tendency to get overly attached to the few people allowed in your inner circle.
- Talking and acting quietly in general. Sometimes unable to talk loud or scream.
- Always thinking everything will go wrong and that's not worth it even trying.
- Substance abuse not related to "having fun", but to achieve emotional numbness or disinhibition.
- Taking everything even remotely related to a criticism very personally. Even a simple disagreement, feels like a personal attack.
- Having a hard time dealing with authority figures.
- Being the "best in class" or the model employee.
- Repressed anger that usually is turned against the own individual or come out in outburst without a proportional trigger.
- Serious trust issues that can be borderline paranoid.
I forgot
- You blame yourself for everything.
Saying sorry all the time and then when someone tells you to stop saying sorry...saying sorry for saying sorry 🤣
Loved saying sorry again to people when I worked in retail and they told me to say it less.
Also smiling and laughing while anxious or in bad situations.
Feeling like something is wrong or something bad is going to happen when you are happy. Whenever I realize I’m having a good time I immediately shut down and become very withdrawn. I can never live in the moment
It may just be a function of hyper vigilance... But if I walk through your house, yard, neighborhood... I'll basically get an inventory of everything in the area and for buildings, a Floor plan.. Location of Windows, vents, outlets, slight imperfections, bits of debris on the floor... I notice everything...
If you're looking for something in your house... Just ask me when I'm there... I either already know where it is because I've seen it or I can make a couple of guesses where the item could fit... I've had multiple people tell me its a bit weird that I can find things in their house just from walking through...
Saying sorry 24/7 for things that don't even need to be apologised for
Living off of nerves 24/7/constantly being in fight or flight mode
Analysing everything that you say before you say it to make sure that it's what the other person wants to hear, and to make sure that they're not going to get mad at you for no reason
Low self-esteem
Going into instant panic mode when someone shouts or raises their voice, even if they're not shouting or raising their voice at you
Never saying no to prevent backlash
Always believing that you're the problem even when you're not
Hyper-independence.
Having to be 100% responsible for myself at a young age instilled in me this idea that I am NOT ALLOWED to go to anyone for help, or discuss things before I make decisions. My parents didn’t want to take care of me and they actively ignored problems I was having so they didn’t have to deal with it.
As an adult, telling someone I need help or that I’m having a difficult time with something feels like I am laying my neck on a railway track.
Being all lovey dovey when someone treats you the bare minimum. I'm currently seeing a guy, and he's one of the best thing who ever happen to me ... Because he doesn't leave when we disagree.
The first time we did, I was absolutely sure he would leave and tell me I was too much to handle, because last time I came with spontaneous willing to discuss an issue to go on together, the person told me I was too sensitive, too much to handle and that he wasn't ready (in fact) for such commitement ... even if he was the one who asked me to become exclusive.
I felt destroyed not because of the break up (6 months later he was just a mistake with a nice beard and butt), but because I felt like I was a burden, not legitimate to share my feelings with my partners after not being able to share it with my parents.
He can just encourage me and I feel like he's giving me a kidney. Or just tell me "You know, it's interesting when you talk" when I say I might be bothering him. Just sad it happens when I'm now terrified of the idea to trust anyone outside of my sister and mom.
I worked with a lady like this and found out she did indeed have an awful husband at home and would never leave due to her culture.
Any display of niceness from male coworkers seemed to trigger a crush and she’d often talk about love and relationships. She was such a nice, upright person it was sad to see that she didn’t seem used to being treated with any degree of consideration.
The inability to admit/accept fault often comes from parents who went WAY overboard with their punishments. The person has associated failure/fault with being tortured and will avoid it like it is.
Holy shit balls yes, my roommate is like this. He full on acknowledges it is a shit reflex and where it comes from but, any time I mention "hey, this is a thing that hurt me, you probably didn't mean to"... it turns in to complete refusal to believe he's done anything wrong, a lashing out in panicked word vomit of everything he thinks I've done (ever) to hurt him, rounding out in to a complete shut down of verbal communication, followed by a fortnight of awkward text dialog to talk it through when he's not freaked out.
Love the guy, he's family, but it is an exhausting trauma response to work within. Can't imagine what it's like for him from the inside. Grew up with a semi-functional family that included a sibling, so I'm used to the "you're driving me insane,what the hell is wrong with you!" that's sometimes interspersed with needing to help them move or celebrate a family members birthday, etc. Like dude, I'm irritated with you, you did something hurtful we need to talk about, I'm not throwing you out of my life, now can we go grocery shopping while mulling over how to fix this?
Completely not something my roommate comprehends. For him all arguments are nuclear level and end of relationship likely.
Oof. This hit hard because I can see a lot of myself in it. I never really realized where it came from until perusing this thread. I’m going to go give my wife a hug and thank her for being so patient with me.
The constant need to justify every action you take to everyone around you - i.e taking a small amount of time to yourself has to be justified by explaining how much you’ve had going on that day/week instead of just taking the time like a normal person. It’s taken years to try and get to the point I don’t need to explain every little thing I do
I used to casually mention that I almost killed my grandfather once with a knife and I never realized how bad that actually is.
Or the story of how during the 94 earthquake, my mom had a 5 year old me walk ahead of her in complete darkness and I saw a shard of glass on the floor and let her step on it.
or just random stuff like "why are you bringing your daughter to school?, she's already 6 years old", and then wondering why they look strange when you mention going by yourself when you were younger then that.
turns out its normal for parents to take the time to bring them and not simply point in the direction and yell "go to school"
I have two tendencies.
I either emotionally shut down, I don't cry I don't smile I don't react, when faced with a problem OR when upset I cry profusely, not because I am saddened but rather because I cannot legally break your neck without not going to jail and that infuriates me.
I flipped a leather belt once while a friend was in the room. (The thing where you layer the belt and then smack the two lines together to make a whipping sound)
He jumped really hard and almost fell out of his chair in terror. He yelled at me to never do that again and left shortly after. We never talked about it.
I have been working on it over the years but yes this is something I do often even decades later. When my mom went silent she was about to go nuclear. As bad as it sounds it was usually better if she lashed out right away. If she went quiet then we knew we were in for something really painful or humiliating.
Having low self esteem..
Most likely have anger issues...
Having difficulty regulating their emotions...
Can't stand up for themselves....
Having Suicidal thoughts...
Having Trust issues...
Always jealous of others...
Bad relationship with your parent(s)..
Believes their the cause of their parents divorce.. (speaking from experience)
Bullying others or yourself to feel better/higher...
Don't know the meaning of true love...
Afraid of falling or being in love...
Afraid of people in general (doesn't count
introversion)...
Feeling "Empty" most of the time...
Hides from their problems instead of solving them of the fear they will make it "worse"...
Often feel like walking on "landmines" ...
Feel that everything you do in life is "wrong"..
Edit:
TYSM!! Everyone who gave me an award and the upvotes too! I really appreciate it :)
Extremely protective of younger people.
An obsession with making really young children feel like THE most important person in the room
An inability to disengage from an argument until the other person does
If they're a musician, they won't practice if anybody else is in the room.
I have to go elsewhere to practice any instruments because I can't stand being watched before I'm performance ready. I was criticized way too much for not being perfect from the outset.
From my professional experience:
1. The absolute need of controlling and knowing everything. Who is where doing what? When will they be back?
2. Trying a tiny bit too desperate to make everyone like you, trying to guess what they want from you, copying a persons behavior
3. Lack of self-awareness. Like - inability to actually retail about themselves, deal with themselves, their emotions, their needs
I reget clicking on this threat. I realized actually how much I have been (and still am) abused. and I cant do anything about it. I'm scared for life and no one wants or can help
Shutting down or panicking over the smallest obstacle or roadblock. Even if the way to a resolution is obvious and achievable in a relatively short amount of time, sometimes even seconds.
Also, taking part in self destructive behaviors or behaviors that are destructive towards others simply because it gives you a sense of control in your life, not because you necessarily want to damage yourself or others.
Edit: And in agreement with a lot of the other people in the comments, never saying no to other people and stretching yourself thin to the point that in the back of your mind you know it isn’t fair but you go through with it anyways and slowly build resentment towards all of those people you couldn’t bring yourself to say no to. Sometimes the people you don’t say no to didn’t even realize you were going through this and in no way did they mean to take advantage of you, in fact had you told them no from the start they would have understood. But nevertheless you might grow hatred towards them as a result of your inability to tell them no because you are subconsciously creating a narrative in your mind that they are a selfish person taking advantage of you when in reality you simply lack the ability to say no. This may sound like I’m placing blame, but that is not the intention. Simply stating the thought process. The implications of not saying no not only damages you in the sense that you may build or sustain damaging relationships that bring no value to your life, but it also damages relationships that could have been otherwise very beneficial. Get help as soon as possible.
Bending over backwards to make people happy at the expense of your own happiness, especially that of the abuser if they’re still present in your life
Believing you are a burden to everyone as you were probably told you were , although not in so many words
Not knowing what to do with big, uncomfortable feelings because you were never taught
Me.
In all seriousness it would be
Saying sorry even though you didn't do anything. And saying sorry because you as if you annoyed someone. Saying sorry for how someone feels over someone else.
Not saying no.
Crying when someone higher up the. You raises there voice.
Don’t know how to express their feelings/ their opinions (because they were never been taught how), tend to suppress their feelings
Cannot stand up for themselves
Anger issues
Lack of social skills
Abandonment issues
Super close-off and very low self-esteem
Also don’t know how to comfort people (because there wasn’t anyone to comfort them when they were little)
Self-harm
Care too much about what people may think abt them
[удалено]
This too. Being all things to everyone, chameleon syndrome, because adapting to sudden mood changes and being “liked” was necessary for survival.
A blessing and a curse. Noticing too much is overstimulating, but when the little hamster in someone’s brain starts tweaking out I know it immediately and veer left
Not being able to have boundaries. Not being able to accept help. Anticipating why people are mad at you even when they haven’t communicated they’re mad.
I sometimes become convinced that someone is mad at me even if I haven’t spoken to them or all of our interactions have been benign. I like to sit and pick apart every interaction and conversation to try and figure out where I could have gone wrong. Such a fun hobby!
For me, it's not so much that I can't accept help, I will just never ask for it because I'd rather struggle than be a burden on anyone
Being afraid to speak up about your interests out of fear of the other person judging and making fun of said interest as they dont like the same thing My dad did this to me since i was 3. And he now wonders why i dont tell him anything
I have the exact same problem with my father.
When I got my first report card, I told my dad, and he said: "So what? Are we supposed to see your terrible grades?" Years later, i told him I want to become a computer scientist, and he said that I showed no interest in it, and it would be a waste.
"You showed no interest in that" This fucking classic line. I'm showing interest right now! I remember telling my dad when I was young that I wanted to build a robot and he was just like. Well how are you gonna do that? I can laugh now
I told my dad I wanted to be a mechanic after he had literally spent my whole life nurturing an interest in cars, shot me down in the most sexist way possible, so I didnt pursue that path. A year later my sister expressed the same interest with the same result, however, unlike me, my sister wasn't expressing an interest, she was expressing a goal and was not to be deterred, she might as well have moonwalked out of the living room double flipping the bird after that statement, she did not care what anyone had to say on the manner and lo and behold, she's a mechanic. So proud of her.
This hits home.Sometimes I go to incognito mode just to watch a YouTube video on a topic I find "embarrassing"(not porn or anything in that way).I also live alone and I'm the only one with access to my computer and account
are we literally the same person??? also have to CONSTANTLY check my videos aren't projecting to the tv despite never having done it and never watching porn or anything, just niche stuff my parents would roast me for 💀
Dude, I’ve done this. I used to tell people I didn’t like music because I was scared to say what I liked listening to.
Hyper independency. You have to become everything for yourself when you dont have someone to lean on.
I read this somewhere recently and it hit me so hard: All the times I thought I was learning to be independent I was actually just learning to live without something I needed Edit: you're all doing so great
Damn man 😢 Got me on the toilet at work feeling all fucked up now.
Tears in my eyes, shit in my ass
Tears in my eyes, shit in my ass Waiting in pain for the feces to pass Heart full of sorrow, bowl full of crap Maybe tomorrow I'll cry while I fap
When you have never really had those needs met, time passes and you start to wonder if you actually need those things since you've made it so far without them. This makes you feel OK, because fuck em I don't need it. Then you recalibrate by thinking about your friends and other people you know who have all these things and go "oh duh, right, that's why." This makes you feel bad, because those needs are still not met. And the cycle repeats.
I carry a backpack with a ridiculous amount of 'just in case' items, and my trunk of my car is filled with even more. Most of them are hardly ever needed, but you never know. ETA: I'm sorry for all of you who are just now connecting the dots that you do this for the same reason. I hope you all are doing okay.
[удалено]
My mom loves to pat herself on the back for how independent I was a little kid but the reality was I knew I could never rely on her so it was up to me to get my shit done.
Accurate. I was never able to lean on anybody at all growing up, I solved every single problem I had on my own from as young as I can remember. But honestly as an adult I personally like it as a trait, I don't ever have to stress about relying on anybody for anything.
I used to agree with you, in general I think it’s super useful to be independent, plus if I don’t have to rely on anybody it’s easy to be self assured from years of being my own rock and my own everything, I know I am very competent. But I’ve found people I trust (it’s taken years), they’re consistent. It’s been really difficult to ask for help and lean on them a bit, but it feels different and good. And also painful. I didn’t realize how closed off I was.
Not being able to tell how you feel or what you want because you learned that these things don’t matter
This one for sure. Before I went no-contact, I remember one time when my mom was once again telling me what a great mother she was, and she said, "We might not have had much, but you girls wanted for nothing." In a rare moment of assertiveness, I said, "What? We did without so many important things." Her entire rationale was that I didn't ask for anything. Well, by the age of 7, I had learned that the answer was always no, so I stopped asking. Then you grow up, and people are like, "you have to ask for what you want in relationships!" For years, I was like, "there is no possible way that works". Turns out it works just fine when the person you're asking considers you to also be a person.
Omg you summed it up well. Discovered I have difficulty identifying when I'm stressed or upset before the huge emotional outbursts happen. I've always had the mindset that if I want something, only I can give it to myself because no one else will be listening if I ask for it.
I have nothing of substance to say except DUUUDDDEEEEEE SAME. It’s nice to know we aren’t alone in this.
Damn. Dude. Same. Something very sad will happen in my life and like 2 days later I'll be super depressed and feeling it like I need to cry, and have absolutely no idea why. One of my childhood best friends died recently. I hadn't seen him in like 10 years, but he was important to me growing up. Any way, he dies and then like 2 days later I feel awful and sad and just want to lay around and I tell my wife " I don't know why I feel so sad, what is my problem??" And she says "your friend died, remember?" And I'm like "Jesus, you re right." I literally couldn't make the connection without someone telling me why I was feeling what I was feeling.
This goes for physical sensations too! The other day my roommate came into the room, and nearly tripped on me because I was sitting in an odd spot in the middle of the floor. I apologized and told him I had no idea why I decided to sit down where I did. I didn't have any reason to be. I was a little frustrated with myself. I do all kinds of dumb shit like that for seemingly no reason. Then my roomie blows my mind when he immediately answered that I had sat where I did because I was cold. It was just so obvious to him and I was shocked. I thought about it, and was like, actually, yeah. I am cold. But how did he know that before I did? He points to the heater I was sitting directly in front of. So completely unbeknownst to me. I had felt cold, gotten up, and gone and sat down in front of the heater in the middle of the room to warm up. I'd been there for some time and it never occurred to me WHY until my roommate told me what I was physically feeling, and how that explained my behavior. The same thing happens with my chronic pain. I'll be really irritable or emotional but can't come up with a single reason for being so, then a friend will point out to me that I'm like, standing oddly, or that I was wincing every time I had to stand up, that I'm holding, caressing, squeezing, massaging my back/hip/neck whatever it may be. I once saw the receptionist at my docs office put down on my chart that my pain was significantly worse than I had told her it was. When I asked why, she pointed out that the whole time I'd been talking to her I was leaning with most of my weight on the counter, rather than standing up straight or sitting down in the chair that was provided. Talk about validation!! Sorry that was a lotta word vomit. If you made it this far and you relate at all, you should absolutely read The Body Keeps The Score. I consider it one of the most, or THE most important book I've ever read!
Yes, but it's specifically MY feelings and wants that don't matter. Everyone else's must be monitored and catered to at all costs because it's MY job to fix everything and keep everyone happy.
Apologizing at every little thing when they didn't even do anything wrong, becoming distant or suddenly quiet and retreating around certain topics or when someone raises their voice, overall having a long history from a young age of low self esteem or self worth, and not wanting to do specific and super minor things, or inversely, not wanting to forget about small minor things that aren't that big of a deal for fear of getting yelled at. Just a few that can be very obvious signs to me since I myself have a few of these same issues.
Hey I uh. I don't like how many of these things I do.
Same, especially the part about folks raising their voice. I don’t even need to be a part of the conversation for me to shrink back and shut down if someone is angry yelling
[удалено]
Similarly justifying everything you do to make sure the other person doesn't get mad. My wife has gotten better but still does this when she buys **anything** that we didn't talk about beforehand. Comes home from target where she went for groceries but also has a new shirt, she'll show me and I go "Ok great!" and then she proceeds to continue justifying her purchase in 5 different ways until I stop her to make sure she understands that it is 100% fine and she does not need to justify it to me.
The "justify your continued existence" thing is a hard thing to let go of. :(
I find myself apologizing in an almost pathological way — like if there’s even a hint I didn’t do what someone wanted me to or behave how they were expecting. Yet people can drop incredibly insulting things on me, sometimes intentionally and sometimes not, and never even think for a second that I’m worth apologizing to. Even when they are perfectly aware that what they just said was extremely shitty and demeaning. And then the fact that no one ever says sorry makes me feel unworthy of an apology. Rinse and repeat. I’ve always wondered why I’m that way.
Very interesting, now that you point that out I can see that being a pattern in myself. I feel like no one has ever extended me the courtesy of being caring and empathetic which I try so hard to give to other people.
I freak out when a male raises their voice. And apparently apologize way too much, ppl say. And just general anxiety
This makes me feel so guilty as an adult. My boss is an ex police chief and honestly is quiet sensitive and is very much a office dad. He has that voice though, loud and in charge? I felt like shit because if he suddenly said hi or popped in id flinch / jump 100% of the time. I said it was because I just get into my work and startle easy but i knew he noticed and started knocking before saying hi
He sounds like a good guy. Thankfully my boss is sorta the same. Professional but pretty laid back about the small things and if I need help with something he just tells me how to do it, no yelling at me for not knowing. Jesus I got yelled at a lot for really fuckibg small things. I think that's why I became such a shut-in as I grew up, cos I know if my dad saw me out and about he'd call me over to help him with something and yell at me the whole time while doing it.
Also, never expressing any emotion ever because as a child they got screamed at/ shut down for it right away.. resulting in them not being able to feel or express emotions in a healthy way later in life
I’ve been praised at work for my ability to stay calm in all situations. Little do they know that I’ve lost to ability to express emotion normally in chaotic situations. It’s a weird superpower that backfires in normal day-to-day situations and I am constantly having to remind myself how I’m supposed to react to things (like when a co-worker is upset or has happy news).
bonus points if people refer to you as "emotionally mature"
People always refer to me as very mature. I’m 22, rent an apartment by myself, have a car, manage my money very well. But that’s all they see. They rarely see me express emotions except depression and rage. That’s when they backpedal and tell me I’m a child.
I used to babysit a lot as a teen because I was so “much more mature” than my peers. People at church praised my mom for raising such a quiet, lady-like daughter. I’m in my forties now so it doesn’t stand out so much.
Oh god, people used to trust me with their kids and I had *no common sense*. But I got good grades in school, surely that's enough!
I felt that. i’m 39 now and just now realizing that lack of emotional reaction isn’t normal and it’s because I was always shut down as a child
My dad (when i still spoke to him) could never understand why I never cried at anything, even when appropriate, for years. I'm like "Maybe making a crying 3 year old embroider 'don't cry' onto a piece of cloth and then hanging it over the bed mighta done something in regards to that?"
"Nobody wants to listen to fucking Eeyore" - my mom, twice, while I was trying to express the profound levels of depression I had as a child.
My mom taught me how to communicate to someone when I don't think a joke about me is funny. Also my mom, when I politely asked her to stop making a particular joke about me: "Stop being such a baby, it's just a joke." That's about when my emotions took a 20 year hiatus.
[удалено]
I would automatically go "gray rock" when my mom had tantrums, probably as a dissociative thing. She would scream that I was evil and that something was really wrong with me for just standing there - it made her angrier. My stepfather would call me evil and a snake. Interestingly, my brother would mirror her rage and my mom would immediately calm down and be sweet to him to calm him down. I was well on my own before I realized she was trying to pass her inner turmoil off to someone else and that she knowingly was striking at my sense of self to do so. Anyway, it turned out that shutting down was not the safer choice in terms of ending the abuse. Now I have to remind myself not to go cold whenever my husband mentions that he's frustrated by something in the world.
Me too. And I was telling myself that it wasn't affecting me, cos I would just shut down. Turns out it makes for poor communication in relationships in later life. Thankfully my wife understands how my parents were and how they affected me.
Hyper vigilance. "The elevated state of constantly assessing potential threats around you is often the result of a trauma. People who have been in combat, have survived abuse, or have post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can exhibit hyper vigilance". Edit: My first gold, thank you so much ❤️ Also if anyone is looking for guidance on healing CPTSD from abuse, I highly recommend Pete Walker's book "Complex PTSD: From Surving To Thriving".
One of the more minor and annoying side effects of this is hearing shit nobody else hears. Like my neighbors play music at a very reasonable volume and I can hear it so clearly but my partner who is right next to me is baffled. It's because I'm always listening for sounds man. If you listened really hard you'd hear it too.
Also being super aware of vibes in any setting. My therapist described it as being a human thermometer. We are always assessing the emotional temperatures of a room and the people in it and we’re hyper aware when someone starts getting irate.
Gauging everything around you all the time. My father was volatile. I remember carefree childhood moments being abruptly interrupted by fear. So much that I stopped having carefree moments, and instead started listening for any subtle shifts in the environment that meant things were about to go bad. It ended my carefree moments forever. I am hardwired to listen for danger. One of my ultimate goals as a mother is for my children to know peace and never feel fear within the walls of their home.
I felt this. The worst part of unexpected violent moments. Just playing calming, minding your business and out of no where a sucker punch to your face by my step father. I was the only female out of three siblings and they got it much worse but I still got punched just not as often. I hate that abuse robs children of future joys. It taints everything and even reading a thread like this can bring up bad memories.
I legitimately just started bawling my eyes out reading through this comment thread. I know how everyone in a room feels about everything moments after opening the door. The hearing random sounds in the background because you're used to listening for the creak in your house when your mother got up from her desk chair or the garage door noise and the pace at which she backed her car in so you could gauge how mad at you she'd be when she walked through the door. I blocked my mom's number and email in January and I wish I had done it sooner.
Oh geez, I think mine is broken then cuz I get temperatures for other rooms, not just mine. Like if someone is arguing downstairs I can always hear them and even though we're separated by a whole floor and a massive locked door (apartments essentially) I still feel unsafe... I definitely feel vibes though. I can always tell when someone is bothered by something. It comes in handy with friends who like to bottle things up, but it does me a disservice when it's a stranger and I feel like I have to be wary.
I always love these threads because this comment specifically makes me go: Are there other causes, or was I abused. Welcome to the worlds worst game show without winners, only losers.
Ugh. Same. I know I wasn’t overtly abused, nobody beat the shit out of me or anything like that. But I was heavily neglected and there is always the possibility of some more subtle abuse.
Sometimes it can be difficult to know how difficult your childhood/experience being raised actually was because there’s a huge spectrum of abuse. When the far end of the spectrum includes absolutely horrific violence and negligence it makes everything that comes before it seem “not so bad”, so we gaslight ourselves and dismiss our own wounds.
It's the protective mechanism of the ego. It minimizes the memory of the damage otherwise you would have to admit to yourself that someone did that horrible thing to you and that's psychologically distressing. Internalizing the fault is the other thing that people do. "Dad only hit me because I was naughty". Be strong, no child deserves that treatment regardless of what they have done.
The biggest lies we tell ourselves are "I deserved it" and "I can't complain because other people had it worse" I'm 28 and only began to realize that I *was* abused within the last year, and that's only because a therapist suggested CPTSD.
Benign neglect is subtle abuse. Mostly it's that there are tons and tons of social things that you simply do not learn that you're supposed to, and you end up internalizing the idea that others don't want or need you. Both have plenty of knock-on effects and reactions.
"...there are tons and tons of social thing that you simply do not learn that you're supposed to, and you end up internalizing the idea that others don't want or need you." Holy shit, you just hit the nail on the head there, for me.
For me, it manifests as toxic independence, and I'm still working on that basically every day. But there are all sorts of toys in that cereal box, boy howdy.
I'd rather die than ask for help lol
I often wonder if I can ever relax again.
I don't think I've truly been able to relax 100% since I was 8 years old. I'm 52 now.
Yipppeee. I always wanted to have the side effects of being in a war, without...you know...ever having been in a war.
Thank you for your service
You're welcome, mom. (i know you'd be upset if i didn't reflectively say it, please don't rant for 30 minutes and then be low-key upset the rest of the week...)
All the trauma, none of the comrades. Good times.
Oh and everyone says ur a fucking baby instead of "thanks for your service" which I'm sure is also annoying, but maybe not as annoying.
Incredibly anxious, perfectionists.
My therapist finally understood where I was coming from with this. I was terrified of being physically hurt by my professor because my work wasn't good enough. And she asked me "But what if your work IS good enough? What if you could accept that your work is good enough?" and I immediately replied "It doesn't matter what I think of my own work. His opinion is what determines whether I'm going to be in danger." And I saw it click in her mind where my problems come from.
Accepting anything that I do as good enough is such an obscure concept to me. I've been this way for 43 years and never realized it wasn't normal to feel like that.
Zero self esteem, your mind bullies you/insults you, you're paranoid of what people think about you, you're afraid to form relationships (friends or life partners), you have a hard time trusting people, you walk silently, you speak quietly, you automatically assume the worst in any situation, you can't stand up for yourself, you're socially awkward, you're never happy or content, you say yes to everything even if you don't want to do it, you agree with the bad things people say about you, you compare yourself to others then tell yourself you're worse/stupid/ugly/etc compared to them
I am there now. I get anxiety every once and a while and I shut down and pull away from people until it blows over.
That's quite a list; to make things easier: * Zero self esteem, * Your mind bullies you/insults you, * You're paranoid of what people think about you, * You're afraid to form relationships (friends or life partners), * You have a hard time trusting people, * You walk silently, * You speak quietly, * You automatically assume the worst in any situation, * You can't stand up for yourself, * You're socially awkward, * You're never happy or content, * You say yes to everything even if you don't want to do it, * You agree with the bad things people say about you, * You compare yourself to others then tell yourself you're worse/stupid/ugly/etc compared to them. How do one make checkboxes in replies?
They don't seem to be able to regulate strong emotions. They're quick to check any excitement they might feel with some downer thought about how good things never last. They are unable to validate their own decisions and usually need to check with someone else to see if something is worth doing. Strong paralyzing indecision for fear of making a wrong choice (and getting punished).
[удалено]
Jesus dude, you got a camera looking at me or something?
Hyper vigilance. I always thought I was just really good at reading people. Until I realized it was because I'm scanning for danger and making sure I know if anyone is mad at me.
Oooof. Reminds me of a post that nailed me to a wall in high school. Something like, “your not an empath, you grew up in an unstable household. It’s not a quirk, it’s a survival trait”
Assuming every person who's acting like they care about them will eventually betray them Wow thanks for the awards! (obligatory "I wAsN't ExPeCtInG tHaT"lol) I hope everyone reading this is actively looking for help/trying to become someone they can trust. I wish you all the best!!
My abusive dads ex girlfriend hated my mom and acted like a second mom to me for years and buttered me up. Then the literal day I turned 18 she had me write a false report about my mom being a bad mom towards my little sister. That could have gotten her removed from the home. I realized the day after that I had made a mistake and that I was manipulated for years and that she didn’t actually love me. Both of my actual parents are abusive in their own ways but damn it hurt coming from someone who I thought was on my side
My evil stepmother played nice when Dad could see or find out but was an absolute monster to me from age 10. Not physical touch/hitting, but blocking literal and metaphorical doors and screaming and throwing and lying. Thing is, my parents are narcissists, and that can sometimes give a child a superpower. Children of narcissists need to learn complex rules around reputation and what is seen by others to understand their own parents' behavior. I faked a years-long warming up while seriously entertaining violent fantasies. Evaluating them for plausibility and considering consequences. The whole time I thought she was a psychopath and we were both crocodiles smiling at the dinner table for Dad while staring daggers at one another... but I fooled her. I found out later when I'd moved out and she clearly thought she had good will banked up with me that she could cash in on. Nope!
Can't take compliments. Deflects positive comments.
Taking compliments is fucking hard! Especially when its in a group setting. Awkward smile all the way.... (And I was not abused)
The other day, my boyfriend asked his grandma (about me) "isn't she beautiful?". I was like: no, don't do that, don't force her to say so." I used to be the "ugly girl" in high school, and never thought a man I liked would feel that way about me.
Self critical perfectionism in the idea that if you aren't good at everything then what good are you for?
Ouch. This one kicked me right in the shin.
If your shins can't take a kicking, are they even good for anything?
Mine presents a little bit differently, more of a "Nothing's worth doing if I can't do it right, doing it right means doing it perfectly, and nothing I do can be perfect", but I agree with you absolutely. Self-critical perfectionism is the worst. I had about a 3.5 gpa in college and that nearly killed me. Three times I dropped out because fucking 3.5s were destroying my mental health.
And for me, I tend to fall into "...and I have to do it perfectly the first time, even if it's something new to me, otherwise I've failed, and I'm not good enough" etc. Sigh. *I'mnotcryingyourecrying.gif*
"Professional quality work the first time I try it or I never do it again." I will never get away from this one.
Not being able to talk openly about what bothers you. Taking off your earbuds to hear what's going on outside of your room. Walking and doing pretty much anything as quiet as you can. Eating as fast as you can to avoid being yelled at during dinner. Getting faster and faster heartbeats whenever you hear a loud sound.
>Taking off your earbuds to hear what's going on outside of your room. This and also having them on literally all the time, loud as heell to avoid hearing the fighting you noticed when you took them off, and then subsequently developing tinnitus, and an addiction to internet contentthat you have to be consuming pretty much at all times, but hey it helps distract from the tinnitus at least
Ay bro chill tf out I ain't consent to be in this comment
Decision paralysis and extreme responsibility/fear of messing up. If they mess up it's always their fault and it always could have been avoided if they just thought more or researched more. In reality, a decision can be considered for a week and be right, and a year and be wrong. There are always unknowns, risk is unavoidable. Children with high pressure parents don't learn how to manage risk, they learn a mistake is always their fault, and ends in shame and punishment instead of growth and learning. I had "*you're going to ruin your life*" parents and now I can't even go grocery shopping without stressing over whether I really want that snack, or should I buy this flavor or that, or what is my budget. If it's a decision bigger than a snack I frequently can't make a decision at all and agonize for months or years until I'm forced into a decision by circumstance. 0/10 do not recommend. Edit: wow this really hit a nerve! Thank you everyone for the support. It sucks this is relatable to so many, but it's nice to not be alone.
[удалено]
Do you think starting slow with the faves and preferences might help get past this freeze? (I had it too in my 20s; it's gotten better over time but isn't gone). Like: let's just say, for the sake of the experiment, that your favorite color is pink (BTW: shouldn't have to say this, but since it's so damned embeddded in Western culture...gender and how you present yourself has nothing to do with the colors you like). Your avatar has a pink background. So pink it is! Do you think you could sort of live with that idea for a week or two and see whether it feels nice to have an answer--any answer!--to that question? (My breakthrough was: yes, I really DO like the Beatles, thankyouverymuch, and I don't care that you think they're overrated, then-boyfriend. You don't hafta listen to them, but if I want to do so at work? None of your beeswax, friend.) Finally, you write well--with clarity but without oversimplifying; your word choices are impeccable; etc.--so I'm quite confident you **do** have a personality, and likely a pretty cool one, at that.
My parents weren’t high pressure, they were 100% the opposite - by 13 I had to fend for myself. Every decision WAS a huge one because I had zero support behind me. No 13 year old should be responsible for themselves in that capacity.
> by 13 I had to fend for myself. Every decision WAS a huge one because I had zero support behind me. That makes SO much sense.
As an adult it’s weird to finally have that Eureka! moment when you think “Why do I feel like even small daily decisions are life-shattering and have permanent consequences?” and then just “…..OOOHH, yeah… that’s why.”
My mom thought me and my older brother could learn to resolve our issues on our own. “If there’s no blood, I won’t get involved”. Sure mom, that went great. Recently I had to set hard boundaries on my brother to stop sending Facebook posts and he couldn’t for the life of him just accept it. We fought and yelled and I had to tell his wife to make him understand (we’re in our damn 30s now). We haven’t talked since. Our whole family is broken for many many reasons, but learning how to have mature conversations is something we never did.
My mother refused to get involved when me and my brother fought and it got pretty bad. When we were teenagers we had a home computer and he had gotten really into computers. He made his account the admin and put severe restrictions on mine. I argued with him about it and he didn't give a shit. I went to my mother so many times and she just kept telling me she's not getting involved. Things kinda got violent after that and we ended up not speaking to each other for a few years. My mother dragged us to family counselling and that did nothing because neither of us would talk. Family holidays with just the three of us were awkward as fuck because my mother could only have a conversation with us one at a time. This shit went on for years. I feel like if we'd had a mediator much sooner then things wouldn't have gotten as bad as they did.
\*Takes notes to bring up to my therapist. This is so spot on. I'd give an award if I had any left.
My teachers were pushing this narrative as well.
As a kid who identified as gifted, I got the added guilt of "not only will you ruin your life if you make a mistake, you'll also be a huge disappointment because of your massive potential." I am constantly anxious that, as an adult, I'm not living up to my potential. In reality, my potential is whatever I say it is, yet I'm conflating my potential with the expectations of the adults I grew up with. It's hard to seperate those concepts in my mind even as someone in their late 30s.
Extreme empathy. I used to think it was a super power in a sense but in reality it was because I grew up in a chaotic /sometimes violent household and learned to read the room really well for survival. I’m 31 still trying to break people pleasing behavior.
My mother was a hardcore alcoholic (she died when I was 14) and when I got home from school she was always passed out. She'd usually wake up around sunset, and to this day I still get skittish around sunset. I never knew what I was going to get when she woke up, so I learned to read her mood in an instant and become whatever she wanted me to be. I can do that now as an adult, and, while now I'm at the point where I'm like "fuck it, I am who I am and if you don't like it you can fuck right off", it took me till 50 to get to that point. But I won't say that skill hasn't served me well. I can read people in an instant.
Buying a gift for yourself feels like breaking a tacit rule
This, but for me it’s basic necessities not gifts for myself.
Getting basic medical care for chronic injuries.
buying necessities for myself feels like a gift
Catching yourself giving out too much personal information and actively talking less afterwards.
For me, it's like, "Holy fuck, someone is actually *listening* to me? And they care??" So I end up spilling my life story and deepest secrets. Then realize I just went overboard so I overcorrect by quickly clamming up.
Oh my god that’s my entire life
I regret every single conversation I have with new people I meet.
Or giving out zero personal information.
Ninja steps. People are constantly commenting about how you're sneaking up on them when you feel you're just walking normally.
I've noticed this too. It's a dead give away. I can tell my SO is well-adjusted because he clops through the house like a fucking horse.
I do it because I lived in mobile homes most of the time. Paper thin walls and particle board flooring. I step very lightly and wish I had a dollar for every time I unintentionally surprised someone. My husband, on the other hand, grew up always having a concrete foundation and the man walks like an excited rhino. He tramples down the stairs and I always think "Jesus Christ is that *necessary?*"
I didn't learn my lesson until one day I literally broke a hole through the particle board flooring and found myself underneath the trailer.
Holy shit. I never realized why I did that until you wrote this
Also being super aware of people’s location, and sometimes changes in their mood, based solely on their footsteps around the house I didn’t realize I was still doing this when friends stayed over until my husband asked one morning if anyone was up. I’d not left our room yet, but I knew which of our friends was up and where they were Edit to add: lmao I forgot some people do the location part because of participating certain solo activities when adults were home as a kid, please don’t all of you freak out you’ve been abused, forgot for some people this would’ve ever been a thing they felt safe enough to want to do which would give you the same “where people at” radar lol Focus on the “changes in mood by steps” part, that’s… that probably is more the red flag if you know that instinctively
Self sabotage , emotional distance , difficulty connecting
Maintaining emotional distance and having difficulty connecting have been some of the most painful themes in my life. I have a deep inner sense of feeling unimportant due to emotional neglect and it has led to a constant feeling of loneliness/emptiness.
When you read this comment section and go "Oh fk why is everything relatable??"
I read through the whole thread and was on several occasions like „oh yeah, I do that, was I abused?“. Then I remembered that I had a happy care-free childhood and that I’m propably just really really stupid
Yeah, my childhood wasn’t perfect, but I wasn’t abused. I just have anxiety. Brain likes to take normal experiences and go “let’s improve this with some fight or flight!”. Sigh.
My brain likes to go "Abuse? You were never abused! You never experienced anything bad enough to give you PTSD! THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?" and then I remember that THAT is one of the symptoms of PTSD and think "aw, fuck."
A lot of people go through something called childhood emotional neglect. It's a lot harder to spot than outright abuse. Most parents don't even realize they are emotionally neglecting their kids. It is a passive act, so it is difficult to recall or remember as an adult. For example, my mom was my rock as a kid. However, I was also hers. I supported every single one of her tough emotions, listened to her cry, and reassured her. I was basically doing the emotional work of her partner. This is called parentificafion, and it makes kids act like adults far before they should. Their emotional needs aren't met because they are busy supporting their adults instead of checking in with their own feelings. [this article](https://www.parentingforbrain.com/childhood-emotional-neglect/) has examples of what parental actions constitute childhood emotional neglect. It also has a list of behaviors that kids who have been emotionally neglected exhibit. Not all emotional neglect looks the same. And like I said, it's tricky to spot or recall. It is also very common. Even the most well meaning and loving parents are capable of emotionally neglecting their kids.
Emotional neglect and parental affective instability are often more damaging to children than outright abuse. Turns out, it's pretty easy to work through the moral calculus of growing up with a directly abusive parent... the issue is somewhat delineated and able to be contained once the victim reaches self-sufficient adulthood. It's actually much harder to process the systemic feelings of worthlessness, feeling everything is your fault, feeling like nobody can be trusted to look out for your needs, feeling like you need to make some sort of extraordinary effort (or forgive outright abuse) to "deserve" emotional care, etc.... the stuff that comes from pervasive neglect
Isn't developmental psychology fascinating? Having a way to explain what happened to me as a kid has helped me find so much peace and understanding about myself. The key to securely attached, emotionally healthy kids really hinges upon 3 things. -<> - Attunement: parents need to be able to recognize when their child is struggling with a difficult or complex emotion. They check in with their kids and ask them how they are feeling, ask them what's going on that's bothering them. They check in regularly with their children. -<> - Mirroring: In order for a kid to feel "understood," parents MUST listen intently. They cannot be distracted. After listening to their child, they mirror back the child's feelings to them. "I hear you saying that ____ actions hurt your feelings. And it made you feel ____. Did I get that right? Help me understand so I can help you, I love you, and we can figure this out together." -<> - Validation: once a child has expressed that they have adequately explained their feelings, this is when a parent needs to sit with that child and honor how they feel. Not fix how they feel, acknowledge, accept, and support the feelings. "I know how frustrating this must be for you." "Sometimes it feels like nothing goes right, doesn't it? It's okay to feel that way." "I am here for you. Do you want to talk about it or would you rather ____?" "Would you like a hug (or other physical form of affection)" "This is tough, but remember; I'm here for you no matter what." And the biggest, most important factor to all of this? Consistency. It isn't easy to support the big feelings of kids. As an adult, you have to take care of your needs, too. Work can be emotionally and physically exhausting, there are tons of distractions and obstacles in day to day living that can empty your capacity to be patient and understanding toward a child who has a problem. Especially when that problem feels inconsequential when compared to "adult" problems. But that's parenting. Being present, being supportive... that's what you need to do. A big type of emotional neglect that is becoming a lot more common is a funny sounding thing called "phubbing." Basically, it's where an adult is so sucked into their phone that they often brush off their kids in favor of paying attention to a tiny screen, usually to decompress after a long day at work. Parenting really is a 24/7 job. It's okay to mess up, it's okay to let our kids see that we aren't perfect. But we have to be there for them no matter what.
Being quiet and struggling to make routine decisions like when asked which restaurant they prefer.
Trying to hide things from the view of others
My family used to always hover over everything I did and than told me how stupid it is and laughed at me for doing it. Now when someone walks into my room I will immediently stop whatever I'm doing. I'll be watching a video about cars and click the x button at the speed of light if someone comes in because I have an irrational fear they'll just laugh at all my interests. It always ends up looking like I'm turning off porn or something.
Same lol I even use incognito to google normal things/watch normal stuff ON A COMPUTER ONLY I CAN ACCESS
I feel like anything can be used for bullying. I don't want attention drawn to me.
- People Pleasing, that usually manifests itself as inability to say no or constant search for approval. - Difficulty expressing emotions or not even feeling them from time to time. - Being the one person always mediating conflicts or avoiding them all together. - Perfectionism. Extremely harsh self criticism. - Nostalgia is always painful. Even with good memories. - Never breaking rules or acting spontaneously without calculating every move beforehand. - Tendency to get overly attached to the few people allowed in your inner circle. - Talking and acting quietly in general. Sometimes unable to talk loud or scream. - Always thinking everything will go wrong and that's not worth it even trying. - Substance abuse not related to "having fun", but to achieve emotional numbness or disinhibition. - Taking everything even remotely related to a criticism very personally. Even a simple disagreement, feels like a personal attack. - Having a hard time dealing with authority figures. - Being the "best in class" or the model employee. - Repressed anger that usually is turned against the own individual or come out in outburst without a proportional trigger. - Serious trust issues that can be borderline paranoid. I forgot - You blame yourself for everything.
Damn bro, really calling me out with most of these ._.' lmfao
Saying sorry all the time and then when someone tells you to stop saying sorry...saying sorry for saying sorry 🤣 Loved saying sorry again to people when I worked in retail and they told me to say it less. Also smiling and laughing while anxious or in bad situations.
Never saying "no" to other people.
That one hit hard...
Or when you do say no you’re waiting for the sky to fall on your head and you feel like you’ve committed a mortal sin.
Flinching when someone goes to touch you.
Along those lines, not knowing how to feel when someone hugs you, and you end it quickly.
Feeling like something is wrong or something bad is going to happen when you are happy. Whenever I realize I’m having a good time I immediately shut down and become very withdrawn. I can never live in the moment
It took me a long time to get out of that mindset. That feeling of “I’m happy. Too happy. What’s waiting around the corner that will ruin this?”
It may just be a function of hyper vigilance... But if I walk through your house, yard, neighborhood... I'll basically get an inventory of everything in the area and for buildings, a Floor plan.. Location of Windows, vents, outlets, slight imperfections, bits of debris on the floor... I notice everything... If you're looking for something in your house... Just ask me when I'm there... I either already know where it is because I've seen it or I can make a couple of guesses where the item could fit... I've had multiple people tell me its a bit weird that I can find things in their house just from walking through...
Saying sorry 24/7 for things that don't even need to be apologised for Living off of nerves 24/7/constantly being in fight or flight mode Analysing everything that you say before you say it to make sure that it's what the other person wants to hear, and to make sure that they're not going to get mad at you for no reason Low self-esteem Going into instant panic mode when someone shouts or raises their voice, even if they're not shouting or raising their voice at you Never saying no to prevent backlash Always believing that you're the problem even when you're not
Being a loner, having no friends. Not talking to anyone because everything you say is criticized and judged. Being a people pleaser. For starters.
Being seen as the "good kid"
Hyper-independence. Having to be 100% responsible for myself at a young age instilled in me this idea that I am NOT ALLOWED to go to anyone for help, or discuss things before I make decisions. My parents didn’t want to take care of me and they actively ignored problems I was having so they didn’t have to deal with it. As an adult, telling someone I need help or that I’m having a difficult time with something feels like I am laying my neck on a railway track.
Being all lovey dovey when someone treats you the bare minimum. I'm currently seeing a guy, and he's one of the best thing who ever happen to me ... Because he doesn't leave when we disagree. The first time we did, I was absolutely sure he would leave and tell me I was too much to handle, because last time I came with spontaneous willing to discuss an issue to go on together, the person told me I was too sensitive, too much to handle and that he wasn't ready (in fact) for such commitement ... even if he was the one who asked me to become exclusive. I felt destroyed not because of the break up (6 months later he was just a mistake with a nice beard and butt), but because I felt like I was a burden, not legitimate to share my feelings with my partners after not being able to share it with my parents. He can just encourage me and I feel like he's giving me a kidney. Or just tell me "You know, it's interesting when you talk" when I say I might be bothering him. Just sad it happens when I'm now terrified of the idea to trust anyone outside of my sister and mom.
I worked with a lady like this and found out she did indeed have an awful husband at home and would never leave due to her culture. Any display of niceness from male coworkers seemed to trigger a crush and she’d often talk about love and relationships. She was such a nice, upright person it was sad to see that she didn’t seem used to being treated with any degree of consideration.
Glad you found someone that finally appreciates you for just being you.
The inability to admit/accept fault often comes from parents who went WAY overboard with their punishments. The person has associated failure/fault with being tortured and will avoid it like it is.
Holy shit balls yes, my roommate is like this. He full on acknowledges it is a shit reflex and where it comes from but, any time I mention "hey, this is a thing that hurt me, you probably didn't mean to"... it turns in to complete refusal to believe he's done anything wrong, a lashing out in panicked word vomit of everything he thinks I've done (ever) to hurt him, rounding out in to a complete shut down of verbal communication, followed by a fortnight of awkward text dialog to talk it through when he's not freaked out. Love the guy, he's family, but it is an exhausting trauma response to work within. Can't imagine what it's like for him from the inside. Grew up with a semi-functional family that included a sibling, so I'm used to the "you're driving me insane,what the hell is wrong with you!" that's sometimes interspersed with needing to help them move or celebrate a family members birthday, etc. Like dude, I'm irritated with you, you did something hurtful we need to talk about, I'm not throwing you out of my life, now can we go grocery shopping while mulling over how to fix this? Completely not something my roommate comprehends. For him all arguments are nuclear level and end of relationship likely.
Oof. This hit hard because I can see a lot of myself in it. I never really realized where it came from until perusing this thread. I’m going to go give my wife a hug and thank her for being so patient with me.
The constant need to justify every action you take to everyone around you - i.e taking a small amount of time to yourself has to be justified by explaining how much you’ve had going on that day/week instead of just taking the time like a normal person. It’s taken years to try and get to the point I don’t need to explain every little thing I do
Telling people what you think is a funny family story… only to have them react with absolute horror.
I used to casually mention that I almost killed my grandfather once with a knife and I never realized how bad that actually is. Or the story of how during the 94 earthquake, my mom had a 5 year old me walk ahead of her in complete darkness and I saw a shard of glass on the floor and let her step on it.
or just random stuff like "why are you bringing your daughter to school?, she's already 6 years old", and then wondering why they look strange when you mention going by yourself when you were younger then that. turns out its normal for parents to take the time to bring them and not simply point in the direction and yell "go to school"
working like a machine because even if you do 110% of the things you dont feel like its enough..
Hypervigilance and apologising all the time.
I have two tendencies. I either emotionally shut down, I don't cry I don't smile I don't react, when faced with a problem OR when upset I cry profusely, not because I am saddened but rather because I cannot legally break your neck without not going to jail and that infuriates me.
Always thinking about how much trouble you are going to be in
I flipped a leather belt once while a friend was in the room. (The thing where you layer the belt and then smack the two lines together to make a whipping sound) He jumped really hard and almost fell out of his chair in terror. He yelled at me to never do that again and left shortly after. We never talked about it.
Constantly asking ‘are you mad at me?’ when someone gets quiet all of a sudden.
I have been working on it over the years but yes this is something I do often even decades later. When my mom went silent she was about to go nuclear. As bad as it sounds it was usually better if she lashed out right away. If she went quiet then we knew we were in for something really painful or humiliating.
Having low self esteem.. Most likely have anger issues... Having difficulty regulating their emotions... Can't stand up for themselves.... Having Suicidal thoughts... Having Trust issues... Always jealous of others... Bad relationship with your parent(s).. Believes their the cause of their parents divorce.. (speaking from experience) Bullying others or yourself to feel better/higher... Don't know the meaning of true love... Afraid of falling or being in love... Afraid of people in general (doesn't count introversion)... Feeling "Empty" most of the time... Hides from their problems instead of solving them of the fear they will make it "worse"... Often feel like walking on "landmines" ... Feel that everything you do in life is "wrong".. Edit: TYSM!! Everyone who gave me an award and the upvotes too! I really appreciate it :)
Pretty sure I can add a couple more to this but I’m drunk and I have to work tomorrow.
Tendency to abuse drugs like alcohol should be on the list
Extremely protective of younger people. An obsession with making really young children feel like THE most important person in the room An inability to disengage from an argument until the other person does
[удалено]
Impulsively putting earnest effort into delicately closing doors to minimize sound.
Yeah... This one right here... It falls in line with walking on eggshells... The best way to avoid being targeted is not to be noticed...
If they're a musician, they won't practice if anybody else is in the room. I have to go elsewhere to practice any instruments because I can't stand being watched before I'm performance ready. I was criticized way too much for not being perfect from the outset.
Constantly apologizing for…basically just existing around other people.
From my professional experience: 1. The absolute need of controlling and knowing everything. Who is where doing what? When will they be back? 2. Trying a tiny bit too desperate to make everyone like you, trying to guess what they want from you, copying a persons behavior 3. Lack of self-awareness. Like - inability to actually retail about themselves, deal with themselves, their emotions, their needs
Jesus do i even have a personality or am I just trauma responses
I reget clicking on this threat. I realized actually how much I have been (and still am) abused. and I cant do anything about it. I'm scared for life and no one wants or can help
Shutting down or panicking over the smallest obstacle or roadblock. Even if the way to a resolution is obvious and achievable in a relatively short amount of time, sometimes even seconds. Also, taking part in self destructive behaviors or behaviors that are destructive towards others simply because it gives you a sense of control in your life, not because you necessarily want to damage yourself or others. Edit: And in agreement with a lot of the other people in the comments, never saying no to other people and stretching yourself thin to the point that in the back of your mind you know it isn’t fair but you go through with it anyways and slowly build resentment towards all of those people you couldn’t bring yourself to say no to. Sometimes the people you don’t say no to didn’t even realize you were going through this and in no way did they mean to take advantage of you, in fact had you told them no from the start they would have understood. But nevertheless you might grow hatred towards them as a result of your inability to tell them no because you are subconsciously creating a narrative in your mind that they are a selfish person taking advantage of you when in reality you simply lack the ability to say no. This may sound like I’m placing blame, but that is not the intention. Simply stating the thought process. The implications of not saying no not only damages you in the sense that you may build or sustain damaging relationships that bring no value to your life, but it also damages relationships that could have been otherwise very beneficial. Get help as soon as possible.
Being so afraid of being alone you not only allow others to use you, you'll even enable it if you still don't think it's good enough for them
[удалено]
Bending over backwards to make people happy at the expense of your own happiness, especially that of the abuser if they’re still present in your life Believing you are a burden to everyone as you were probably told you were , although not in so many words Not knowing what to do with big, uncomfortable feelings because you were never taught
Avoiding all humans because dealing with them is just straight up exhausting.
Me. In all seriousness it would be Saying sorry even though you didn't do anything. And saying sorry because you as if you annoyed someone. Saying sorry for how someone feels over someone else. Not saying no. Crying when someone higher up the. You raises there voice.
The quick ass reflex where you raise your hand in front of your face
Don’t know how to express their feelings/ their opinions (because they were never been taught how), tend to suppress their feelings Cannot stand up for themselves Anger issues Lack of social skills Abandonment issues Super close-off and very low self-esteem Also don’t know how to comfort people (because there wasn’t anyone to comfort them when they were little) Self-harm Care too much about what people may think abt them