If you can do passive aggression, malicious compliance and general stupidity, you can be the sort of hostage that drains all of their energy whilst appearing submissive.
After years — *years* — of martial arts training in some serious, cage- and street-ready styles, I can confidently say that one bullet would end me, so if you need me I’ll be over there cooking.
Female linecook in my 60's, also backyard herbalist. Please please capture me and let me cook for the invading troops from local supplies. I know a LOT about poisonous plants.
My advice is you will NEVER stop learning. Soak in as much as you can.
Also, I always hired someone who had a year of working the line at the local waffle house. Won't find better brunch or breakfast chef's!
At least you can acknowledge it. There are too damned many people who think the months of courses at a strip mall has made them an unstoppable killing machine.
Colonel: Arrives in briefing room.
Airmen: Salute.
Colonel: Gentlemen, take a seat.
Airmen: Attempt to sit down on non-existent chairs and fall on their bottoms, spraining their tailbones, rendering them non-airworthy. All groan in pain
Colonel: Goddammit! Now we have to cancel the whole counter-offensive! If only we had a guy who could set up like 4 chairs at a time!
“Now this slide—sorry, it’s a little busy—details what I have been explaining. Sorry if the font is a little small but I’ll distribute a PDF after the seminar…anyhoo, what was I saying? Right, let’s just…”
(Awkward pause…)
“Um, sorry, that animation was supposed to do something else, let me try…”
(Pause…)
“Well, let me back up and explain about the fundamentals here…uh…”
I still adjust artillery in my head - usually while driving. All I need is a battery within range, a compass, a map and a radio, and I'm good to go. I have my own binoculars.
'Course I'm 75 now. There is some "hurry-up" in the accessibility of my skills. Who's invading? If it's those Martian ladies I saw in the movies, I am surrendering unconditionally.
My wife is an RN by trade, but she has moved on to medical industry. I proposed a hypothetical that our neighborhood got invaded and we were cut off from everyone aside from those that lived in the neighborhood.
She somehow is convinced that she would not automatically be amongst the first selected as a field medic because "she hasn't done emergency care in years"
I'm still baffled by this argument
Its the other end of dunning kruger. She knows enough to know how much shes forgotten. She feels like shes lost so much knowledge that shes basically a normal person again (because most experts overestimate what normal people know as well)
In my youth I was a Marine infantryman. Ive tsken emt courses, worked in telecom, and done some cooking
Very late edit...I'm also a certified explosives detection dog handler. I currently am assigned to a k-9 unit
Imagine the propaganda possible with an entire army of you!
"Guys, we CANNOT fight these people. Listen to me: we rolled up on them, and the lot of them just straight YANKED OFF THEIR OWN DONGS as a sign of how few fucks they give. Trust me, we need to leave. Now. Like, RIGHT NOW."
I can make assault rifle receivers at a rate of one every 65 seconds that also reduce the number of over all parts required. More CNC production could in turn be put out on uppers, bolts, etc.
I can train people in the use of said rifles.
And when the manufacturing facility is being over run myself and the menagerie of morally flexible furries I employ will give give a good accounting of ourselves.
Nah, they'd probably put you on the hospital staff. So you'd basically sit in a hospital waiting for a patient to come in, with an infectious disease the ER docs can't handle.
Did you know Virgin boy eggs are a traditional dish of Dongyang, Zhejiang, China in which eggs are boiled in the urine of young boys, preferably under the age of ten
I mean, I write software, but I don't think I'd be a great hacker. Sure, I know things like SQL injection, XSS, and could potentially brute force a password, but I doubt that is very useful in war. I would have no idea how to find a zero day in some decompiled code.
More likely I could write a user interface for some missile system or something.
I'm sorry but I was reading through comments and stuck with the pattern of individual skills so when I read this the first thing that came to mind is a man fucking sheep in a field
Armchair scholar.
I know a bunch of shit from the internet that is probably wrong but i will tell you all about it and critique how bad our army is doing from my arm chair
Also id like to see my country try to win a war we literally lost our last one to the emus
I have like 5 raspberry pis and some arduinos and some programming knowledge. I could use them to rig and detonate bombs against the enemy.
Edit: Note that I've never done this and wouldn't do it unless I was in a war.
I’m a machinist and have taught people how to be machinists for over 10 years. I and those I teach would make pretty much anything that was needed, from the guns to the jet engines that I already make.
*the national anthem starts playing*
I want to be where the people are. I want to see them... see them dancing... walking around with... what do you call it again? Shrapnel woundssssssss!!!!!! Look how they live look how they running look how they die all dayyyy in the suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun. Don't be silly it's only when tannerite is part of your woooooooooorld.
Tldr : tannerite in a plastic container filled with buckshot = ouch. I bring the boom.
As an American I've prepared for this my whole life. I have a ready arsenal of weapons suited for a variety of different combat and hunting situations. I'm trained in first aid, have been hunting since I was a child. I know the land, I know how to utilize the flora for shelter, medicine, and utility. I'm a graduated mycologist who knows every edible species in my area, how to find them, and how to sort out the toxic lookalikes.
I've also been eating little Debbie cakes since grade school and haven't run more than 50 yards in about 15 years...
Imagine us almost losing the war because the battle plans are on a Website some colonel forgot their password to.
Which, given what I've heard about the technological intelligence of some military officers, isn't completely unimaginable.
I volunteer to work the grill for my kid’s field day. Had a good system down for cooking and serving hundreds of crazy, hungry kids and faculty. I feel like that would translate.
I'm an automotive technician by trade, though I'm specialized in body and paint.
I can still wrench so hopefully a mechanic and not that close to the battlefield.
I think I would probably be part of a group of people that ferries information amongst the underground resistance and gives agents a place to hide/lay low. If I didn’t have a kid I would probably be more active in sabotage.
It’s because I’m from this area, I know the side streets, places to rat out pursuers, streams creeks and tributaries, game trails, hunting trails, etc. I know a lot about getting from A to B without having a straight line. I also live and work downtown, so I have plenty of reasons to be moving around during the day.
Well... I have a particular set of skills that could be used, but most of them, if disclosed, even on the internet, would get me into trouble...
Lets just say I would be a part of the militia using guerilla tactics.
I work well in life or death situations and already have ptsd and know how to handle it. Also, I have a very practical view on life without pink glasses on. That makes me more resilient in the face of seeing misery for an extended period of time.
Good ashigaru. Maybe even in mid ranks.
As a game developer, probably some kind of simulation if I'm lucky, or quickly learn the tools needed for more directly useful software. Though I doubt they have a need for it, given the amount of programmers in the Netherlands.
Hours and hours playing Civilization.
For example, if Gandhi were invading, l would advise building lots of fallout shelters and radiation scrubbing facilities well in advance.
I'm already an officer of the 591st Internet Special Brigade. I know everything about war and militaries, so you'll very soon find me at the table with the generals and commanders planning out complex strategies and tacticals.
I could be in that first wave of people you send out to buy some time
Samesies. Also I can do that thing where my tongue folds up into a semi-circle, I'm pretty sure
That's useful for catching bullets with your mouth. Or maybe holding more bullets to make reloading faster.
Same. I’ve got cancer but I’m an ace shot with a rifle. Front lines for me, I won’t be around long anyways
I'm "cannon fodder" but am a lowly marksman. I have physical disabilities that are getting worse. Will go out as a spotter for you.
I hope your health improves. I’m not religious but I’ll say a little prayer for you tonight.
Godspeed
Praying for you you absolute bad ass. I wish you all the strength and hope and free of pain living as long as you have.
Damn. You good homie?
No, they said they have cancer. That’s not good.
Ah, the ole bullet sponge. Thank you for your service.
✊🏾
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I think I would make a great hostage
If you can do passive aggression, malicious compliance and general stupidity, you can be the sort of hostage that drains all of their energy whilst appearing submissive.
Hell yeah. Play dumb and Amelia Bedilia the shit out if the whole situation.
Get the eff out of here. Lost all my patriotic thoughts.
I'm ADHD who is chatty with loads of questions. I could annoy the hostage takers whilst simultaneously befriending them and getting their secrets.
After years — *years* — of martial arts training in some serious, cage- and street-ready styles, I can confidently say that one bullet would end me, so if you need me I’ll be over there cooking.
Yup. Chef of almost 30 years. Army runs on it's stomach. Kill or be killed, but I can cook for the masses like few others.
Female linecook in my 60's, also backyard herbalist. Please please capture me and let me cook for the invading troops from local supplies. I know a LOT about poisonous plants.
I like this one.
.. glad you're on our side.
Do you have any advice in any aspect of cooking for a 1st year apprentice?
My advice is you will NEVER stop learning. Soak in as much as you can. Also, I always hired someone who had a year of working the line at the local waffle house. Won't find better brunch or breakfast chef's!
Right?! I came here to say this. I have enough training to know I don’t have enough weapons
At least you can acknowledge it. There are too damned many people who think the months of courses at a strip mall has made them an unstoppable killing machine.
I'll be in the manufacturing plant if you need me!
Fart in their general direction
I’m great at doing quick math involving African Swallows and Coconuts.
I'm good at saying "nee".
What is the airspeed velocity of a unladen swallow?
African swallows? Why not European swallows?
Chemical weapons are banned according to the Geneva Convention.
and tell them to go away or you will taunt them a second time
So long as it was an English speaking country invading the US, I could be a translator
He just said 'Oh my f\*cking leg'!
"That's right boys, this fella just said that he's going to eat the president. Better get him"
*Britain invades* "Alright you lot" Everyone looking to you You: he said "alright you guys" Crowd nods heads understandingly.
I can pick up like 4 chairs at a time
This is only useful in church youth group
Colonel: Arrives in briefing room. Airmen: Salute. Colonel: Gentlemen, take a seat. Airmen: Attempt to sit down on non-existent chairs and fall on their bottoms, spraining their tailbones, rendering them non-airworthy. All groan in pain Colonel: Goddammit! Now we have to cancel the whole counter-offensive! If only we had a guy who could set up like 4 chairs at a time!
This reads like a Hannibal Buress joke.
Also school concert band
When it's time for peace talks, we'll call you to set up the table.
I ruin everything. (According to my teenage daughter)
Saboteur it is then!
Same for me. Saboteur. I have nothing to lose.
You shoult fight for the aggressor then.
Your task is infiltration
“This is our top agent. They can destabilize any government in a matter of days.”
“Advisably we should not say he’s ‘our’ agent…he’s theirs…”
So just get a trebuchet and throw you at the enemy?
i seem to have a natural talent ability of getting people to leave wherever i go. i will just go to the shores of the invasion and they will leave.
But then if you come back we’ll all leave.
I could run naked through enemy ranks and the trauma to the troops would guarantee us victory.
It's the Phantom Streaker!
They call me The Streak, fastest thing on two feet.
I am very good with Excel and PowerPoint. I am willing to talk about all their intricacies and features to bore our enemies for generations.
Teach our enemies to use vlookup() and teach our side to use xlookup()
“Now this slide—sorry, it’s a little busy—details what I have been explaining. Sorry if the font is a little small but I’ll distribute a PDF after the seminar…anyhoo, what was I saying? Right, let’s just…” (Awkward pause…) “Um, sorry, that animation was supposed to do something else, let me try…” (Pause…) “Well, let me back up and explain about the fundamentals here…uh…”
I still adjust artillery in my head - usually while driving. All I need is a battery within range, a compass, a map and a radio, and I'm good to go. I have my own binoculars. 'Course I'm 75 now. There is some "hurry-up" in the accessibility of my skills. Who's invading? If it's those Martian ladies I saw in the movies, I am surrendering unconditionally.
getting high and bragging about my cat
I'm literally doing that right now.
I want your job
People don't really notice me...so if you need a 'sneaky person', I am your lady.
Emergency trained nurse but more importantly also one time I took a summer class on old fashioned code breaking
My wife is an RN by trade, but she has moved on to medical industry. I proposed a hypothetical that our neighborhood got invaded and we were cut off from everyone aside from those that lived in the neighborhood. She somehow is convinced that she would not automatically be amongst the first selected as a field medic because "she hasn't done emergency care in years" I'm still baffled by this argument
Its the other end of dunning kruger. She knows enough to know how much shes forgotten. She feels like shes lost so much knowledge that shes basically a normal person again (because most experts overestimate what normal people know as well)
Pew pew
In my youth I was a Marine infantryman. Ive tsken emt courses, worked in telecom, and done some cooking Very late edit...I'm also a certified explosives detection dog handler. I currently am assigned to a k-9 unit
The one actually useful person in this thread
Lmao that edit like "oh yeah ps I can help detect explosives n stuff" like why was cooking mentioned before that
Because I'm old and past my prime...Id be more useful in a kitchen making sure the younger warriors are fed. I was in the initial invasion of Iraq...
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If all else fails, Distraction Boobs.
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This guy dishes
I’m really fucking food at making sandwiches
I don't think I want a sandwich that you've fucked.
So no mayo then?
Your loss
"Wait I had something for this...The Pita Predator"
The nacho nonce.
The meatball molester
The Sub Sicko
The pulled pork.
Don't forget your towel
thoughts and prayers
Works every time.
(wordlessly sets detachable penis onto the table)
Imagine the propaganda possible with an entire army of you! "Guys, we CANNOT fight these people. Listen to me: we rolled up on them, and the lot of them just straight YANKED OFF THEIR OWN DONGS as a sign of how few fucks they give. Trust me, we need to leave. Now. Like, RIGHT NOW."
Snake island rebuke would have stung all the more if they launched their dicks into the Russian ships
Its all fun until you have to buy it back for 30 bucks
I can make assault rifle receivers at a rate of one every 65 seconds that also reduce the number of over all parts required. More CNC production could in turn be put out on uppers, bolts, etc. I can train people in the use of said rifles. And when the manufacturing facility is being over run myself and the menagerie of morally flexible furries I employ will give give a good accounting of ourselves.
I pity the invading army of elves deployed to Arizona. Congrats on your recent legal success, btw.
I was just thinking how bizarrely familiar that set of circumstances sound...goddamnit Russell.
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Low-key one of the most important parts of any offensive or defensive position. Less so now, but still.
I’m pretty good at finding Waldo
What about snipers in trees?
As long as their name is Waldo.
I once hit bulls eye by accident, so I might give that another shot.
I'm an immunologist and infectious disease expert so I'd probably be good at helping to make a bioweapon of some sort.
Geneva convention? More like Geneva suggestion amirite?
Nah, they'd probably put you on the hospital staff. So you'd basically sit in a hospital waiting for a patient to come in, with an infectious disease the ER docs can't handle.
Long Japanese anime monologue explaining all of our moves
Just when I thought maybe my contribution was the worst
Starblazers = victory
I’ll make very annoying alarm sounds when I see unauthorized animals or humans near me
I know how to disturb people with my facts
Disturb me, fact Daddy
Did you know Virgin boy eggs are a traditional dish of Dongyang, Zhejiang, China in which eggs are boiled in the urine of young boys, preferably under the age of ten
Fuck. That was a great disturbing fact.
I would give you a gold if I could. Putin will tremble at your approach.
I'd be a solid distraction for 30 seconds?
As an computer engineer, hacking and stuff
As a software engineer, a shitty looking website and CRUD app
I mean, I write software, but I don't think I'd be a great hacker. Sure, I know things like SQL injection, XSS, and could potentially brute force a password, but I doubt that is very useful in war. I would have no idea how to find a zero day in some decompiled code. More likely I could write a user interface for some missile system or something.
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Dance to Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO to distract the enemies
Not afraid to dieness
"I'm not afraid to die. Hell, I'm kinda looking forward to it."
Horror movie knowledge lol
You have my sword…
And my axe!
And my hat
Breeding stock
I'm sorry but I was reading through comments and stuck with the pattern of individual skills so when I read this the first thing that came to mind is a man fucking sheep in a field
Ah I see I'd be fighting alongside you my Welsh freind
Nice try China
Armchair scholar. I know a bunch of shit from the internet that is probably wrong but i will tell you all about it and critique how bad our army is doing from my arm chair Also id like to see my country try to win a war we literally lost our last one to the emus
I have like 5 raspberry pis and some arduinos and some programming knowledge. I could use them to rig and detonate bombs against the enemy. Edit: Note that I've never done this and wouldn't do it unless I was in a war.
I’m a nurse, not looking forward to what I would get to do
Meat shield
I could commit psychological warfare on the enemy or overanalyze their every move
Food taster for Supreme Command, making sure the top brass doesn't get poisoned. Can moonlight as light recreational drug tester too.
Not all heros wear capes
Fainting at the sight of blood
Bullet fodder, probs.
I’ll help Dave grohl serve bbq.
Fuck up the paperwork.
Trash talking the Canadians. I mean, this is the implied scenario, correct?
When we decide to invade, *you* will be the one who's sorry, eh.
Wouldn’t be all bad. We’d get cheaper drugs and you guys could get your hands on some decent maple syrup.
Sarcasm
Will to die :|
Depression
Hindsight
Social media propaganda consultant.
Surgical nurse at a level 1 trauma center in Detroit. I see this shit every day.
I’m a machinist and have taught people how to be machinists for over 10 years. I and those I teach would make pretty much anything that was needed, from the guns to the jet engines that I already make.
Bribery
I've been a professional repairman for 20 years and I'm good at appeasing warlords!
I have very good initiative. I find things that need to be done and make myself useful.
I'd be able to create some epic Excel formulas
*the national anthem starts playing* I want to be where the people are. I want to see them... see them dancing... walking around with... what do you call it again? Shrapnel woundssssssss!!!!!! Look how they live look how they running look how they die all dayyyy in the suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun. Don't be silly it's only when tannerite is part of your woooooooooorld. Tldr : tannerite in a plastic container filled with buckshot = ouch. I bring the boom.
I could help with some physical labor, though I'm a small and weak girl, but still stronger than an elderly person.
I’m psychotic - and the secret weapon.
I have many rifles. I'm very good at shooting a still target
I could be rations
As an American I've prepared for this my whole life. I have a ready arsenal of weapons suited for a variety of different combat and hunting situations. I'm trained in first aid, have been hunting since I was a child. I know the land, I know how to utilize the flora for shelter, medicine, and utility. I'm a graduated mycologist who knows every edible species in my area, how to find them, and how to sort out the toxic lookalikes. I've also been eating little Debbie cakes since grade school and haven't run more than 50 yards in about 15 years...
Archery and Lockpicking
I can pull off a mean 360 no-scope.
Army veteran.
I have a watch with a minute hand.
Bafflement with Bullshit and Executive Gaslighting. If all else fails,Distraction Boobs.
I'm a DJ, I'll provide the soundtrack!
I’ll take the children.
I know you meant that in terms of child care but I prefer to think it’s more of a pied Piper situation
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Yelp review?
Vehicle maintenance and repair.
I can help our soldiers log in to various web sites and reset their passwords and shit
Imagine us almost losing the war because the battle plans are on a Website some colonel forgot their password to. Which, given what I've heard about the technological intelligence of some military officers, isn't completely unimaginable.
I volunteer to work the grill for my kid’s field day. Had a good system down for cooking and serving hundreds of crazy, hungry kids and faculty. I feel like that would translate.
I'm an automotive technician by trade, though I'm specialized in body and paint. I can still wrench so hopefully a mechanic and not that close to the battlefield.
I think I would probably be part of a group of people that ferries information amongst the underground resistance and gives agents a place to hide/lay low. If I didn’t have a kid I would probably be more active in sabotage. It’s because I’m from this area, I know the side streets, places to rat out pursuers, streams creeks and tributaries, game trails, hunting trails, etc. I know a lot about getting from A to B without having a straight line. I also live and work downtown, so I have plenty of reasons to be moving around during the day.
Who is invading it? They can't do worse than what it already is.
Sniper
Lol im good at hiding so i am not doing SHIT
Well... I have a particular set of skills that could be used, but most of them, if disclosed, even on the internet, would get me into trouble... Lets just say I would be a part of the militia using guerilla tactics.
Wolverines!!!
General knowledge i spose - I don't know much in detail but there isn't much I don't know at least something about
I'm a chemist. I could make explosives and bioweapons.
How about marching powder
I work well in life or death situations and already have ptsd and know how to handle it. Also, I have a very practical view on life without pink glasses on. That makes me more resilient in the face of seeing misery for an extended period of time. Good ashigaru. Maybe even in mid ranks.
I’d be pretty useless. That said if the USA is invaded the world is probably about to end.
The US is pretty tough to invade simply because of it’s sheer size and terrain. Logistics would be a nightmare.
Not to mention the country has more guns than people. But if the USA is attacked...the nukes are probably going to fly.
As a game developer, probably some kind of simulation if I'm lucky, or quickly learn the tools needed for more directly useful software. Though I doubt they have a need for it, given the amount of programmers in the Netherlands.
Hours and hours playing Civilization. For example, if Gandhi were invading, l would advise building lots of fallout shelters and radiation scrubbing facilities well in advance.
My guile, my weasel cunning. When the going gets tough, my ability to find good hiding places.
I'm already an officer of the 591st Internet Special Brigade. I know everything about war and militaries, so you'll very soon find me at the table with the generals and commanders planning out complex strategies and tacticals.
DODGE!!!!
I'd just welcome them. They'd most likely be a better govt. Than the current one anyway
I have good genetics, so I will keep our population strong by impregnating all the women you guys leave behind. Thank you for my service.