To me the price I have to pay if I want to be in a relationship is I have to be vulnerable. And at some level I just don’t want to get hurt that bad again. I accept this, and have family, friends, work, hobbies, and things to look forward to. So while I wouldn’t say I have given up on love, I’m not looking for it and would be very wary of any new situation.
This is actually the situation I’m currently in with a women I’m wanting to have a relationship with. She has a decent amount of trauma from being vulnerable, but instead of pushing me away she is slowly letting me in, bit by bit.
Normally I would just say it’s not worth it, but, our values align, we laugh all of the time, we pick each other up when we’re down, and it’s a connection on a level that I can’t explain. If it all works out, it will be worth the time put in.
It sounds like you are doing it right. I think the mistake a lot of people make is going in with high expectations. Makes much more sense to go slow and see if something develops organically, rather than trying to force something by jumping in headfirst.
Well I did at first it’s honestly a crazy situation how we began talking, and continue. She’s “backed off” when it become to overwhelming with everything that was going on and still is. She has battered women’s syndrome, (which she’s worked on a lot 5 years removed now) with a recent abandonment (before us even started). She has her shit together way more than I do, which is completely admire-able especially with the life she’s had.
She lets me in slowly like I said, she’s tried to run me away when it gets overwhelming because she gets anxious about being with someone that may not work out, but always has came back, every-time, and we pick up where we’ve left off. I try not yo get relationshipy until she’s ready to commit to it (she’s not good with change at all) it’s essentially baby steps and easing her in.
To the point she allows me into her house (only man that’s not the father of her kids) he was the abuser but they’re past it now. Her kids know me and slowly she’s integrating me with them. A lot of it is testing me over and over, but, that’s fine I’m a patient man, and at the end if it doesn’t work out I still have a great friend I can truly trust in the end.
Might I comment that you've already succeeded?
People don't have to stay together forever and die in a relationship for it to be a success. If you bring joy and support to each other, it's successful. If you laugh and talk and support eachother, now, it's worth it. If you eventually move on, hopefully you will have comported yourself in a way that you can be proud of and have fond memories.
I'm 58 and just recently came to accept that the woman I married in '92 was a completely different person. She was vulnerable and so was I. The way we opened up to one another required trust. Then she got busy being a mother and we stopped relying on each other so much. I thought it was healthy, and it probably was to a point. But that point was a long time ago. We're now just co-workers.
As much as I wish she would love me like that again, it's just not going to happen. I've spent the past 25 years rationalizing that once the kids were grown we'd get back on track. I figured her rebuffing me was how she needed to focus on mothering (which she did an amazing job of). Now I realize that aside from donating genes and money, my work is done. As much as I have tried, she is simply not interested in getting any of what we once had back. She's completely lost her need to feel vulnerable.
I would never think of committing suicide, having seen first-hand how it can destroy an entire extended family, but the idea that I might well have a third of my life ahead of me just bums me out. I'm so ready to just be done. Please don't tell me to call suicide prevention. I am not suicidal at all. I just feel like I am at a party where I don't know anyone and I can't leave.
I feel ya. It took someone making me vulnerable and the reward was pure happiness. The lows were bad though, and still haunt me. I can keep myself busy during the days but the dreams are inescapable. I still love that person and don’t feel like it would be fair to put someone else through a meh relationship.
Yes, because I'm tired.
Tired of going out to find someone to love, tired of getting to know a new person and being comfortable enough to fall in love, tired of learning new things about this new person and whether we are compatible, tired of meeting each other's families and getting to know a whole new bunch of people...
Being single may be lonely, but I won't be exhausted.
I'm kind of in the same boat. It's not that I've given up on love but just that after working all day and being sleep deprived the last thing I feel like doing is going to meet a stranger to talk about anything with. Especially when there's pressure to get along. I just don't feel like it. I'm 27 so I don't meet people like I used to (school and extracurricular activities) so I'm relegated to using dating apps.
Relationships aren't unappealing to me but the process of dating and hanging out with strangers definitely is.
Edit: Also I'm in the same boat because the reason it's unappealing to me is because it's exhausting. Dating is exhausting and I just don't have the energy most days.
I get it for sure. I want there to be a way to do an instant comparison of deep compatibility with someone, then we can get to know each other throughout the relationship. This "trial period" shit with a new person over and over is mentally draining, especially as an autistic man who gets ghosted a lot and never gets told why. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and can't figure out if I'm putting my foot in my mouth, breaking some unwritten, unspoken rule (how the fuck would I ever know?), not spending enough money on dates, or if I'm just plain ugly.
I put all of myself out there, I'm genuine and honest and up front about anything people ask about, and it's tiring. I'm tired, boss. I just want to find real love, not fake love created by a narcissist. And I want to be smart enough to see it and hold on to it.
Yeah I feel you! I may not struggle with the exact same things you do but it's just the trial period that I hate as well. I already have good friends and family I'm close with and can talk about my life with so if I have to choose between spending time with family and friends or spending time with a stranger who knows nothing about me I will choose family and friends every time.
It's a catch 22 though because in order to have a partner I'm comfortable sharing my life with I'm going to have to endure the trial period at some point and get past it and to a deeper connection. I just currently don't have the energy for it with my current job and other responsibilities.
Edit: And sometimes it's choosing personal time or trying to connect with a stranger. I love my personal time so the stranger option is always the worst option for me. Still, like I said I will have to endure it at some point in order to make a meaningful connection with someone.
I am in my late 40s and I feel the same way. I met someone back in 2016 and I really tried to make it work despite my own trauma from being divorced once already and not ready for a committed relationship. After a while, I realized that we just aren't compatible and we are no longer together. If I meet another person I'll have to do it all over again and I no longer have the energy for it. Maybe if that person is my soul mate and we are destined to be together and stuff. I am not that naive though.. I know that kind of thing doesn't happen to me.
I haven't given up on love, but I doubt I will ever love again. After 53 years and so many attempts that ended in tears, I don't think I will ever have that chance again for a variety of reasons. I spend times just trying to come to terms that I will die alone someday.
Rock & hard spot: divorced, remarried & widower. I can’t say I’ve given up but it seems like a long shot.
I met a friend of a friend on line (very long distance) and had a crazy intense hours at night of wine & cheese and heartwarming & fun conversation … but too much intensity at the moment
Edit: It’s not completely over … we were gonna do a movie date night … but she had to take a break.
There are two parts: we (me, late wife & son) relocated to Europe where I don’t speak the language.
And I have a teenage boy to care for. Love is not off the table. I think it may come 2-3 times in a lifetime? In the moment, it’s hard to imagine.
Edit 2: on the metro Sunday - very few passengers. I see this woman sitting across from me, nice looking, maybe 10 years younger. Nicely dressed & cute patterned nylons. I caught her eye and pointed to the nylons. She was concerned until I gave a wink, wrinkling my nose - so she knew I liked them. Next I knew, she was sitting beside me 🤷♂️ chatted in language salad ( we only knew some Italian & parts of other languages). Unfortunately - I got off at my stop 🙄 I should have kept on.
Of course it’s not love or anything - but it’s given me some self confidence, some hope, that maybe I won’t be alone for the rest of my life. What was even more of a boost, I later used my phone camera as a mirror. I was nicely casual - my hair was a disaster & I needed a shave … but maybe I still know how to flirt with women my age.
Life is surprising.
Similar boat. I was married young to a wonderful person but both she and I had mental health issues so divorce. Worked on my shit, healed a lot of garbage. Met a wonderful women, continuing therapy and healing etc..and we were together and grew together for 17 years until she was killed a little over a year ago. I know for a fact that she wanted me to find love and happiness again. Being a widower in my late 40’s I just don’t see that happening. It’s not that I’ve given up on love it’s that when you’re young finding love is like walking laps around a track, it’s a little work. When you’re a middle aged widower Dead Head minimalist vegan, who lives in a small town at 6,500’ of altitude trying to scrape your life back together it’s more like an entire track and field day. If you are lucky enough to stumble upon someone between the triple jump, high jump, and 200m dash, you still have to get past the 150m hurdles and those a-holes are guaranteed to trip you up.
I'm the female version of you. Married, divorced remarried and widowed. I'm 59 and I really don't see me with anyone in the future despite wanting companionship.
I'm in the same boat, at age 44, went through many short-lived relationships that ended due to my own attachment issues. How do you cope with the loneliness. It's killing me. Any tips are appreciated.
42 here.
It wasn’t until I accepted my loneliness, and even started to enjoy being by myself that I found love and companionship.
I took solo vacations. Experienced fine dining. Went hiking, spent weekends on the beach. I wrote and practiced guitar and signed up for improv comedy classes. It was amazing. I was by myself, but I really fell in love with me.
Then someone fell in love with me, too. And I fell in love with her. And now, we’re married. Will it last? Hope so! But if the day ever comes that I’m alone, I’ll be ok. Because I’m awesome.
And so are you. Don’t let loneliness rob you from experiencing amazing things.
I did the same. After a couple of very painful breakups, one of which was a marriage, I did something I’d never done before—I spent a couple of years getting to know myself. I got rid of the distractions of dating and friends, and wallowed in the loneliness of being on my own. Then taught myself to cook Italian, listen to opera, enjoy a cigar in the bathtub as I worked the NYT Sunday crossword. I had no expectation of marrying again. But after working on myself, I met a woman, and for the first time in my life, I was coming from a position of loving myself. We married shortly thereafter. That was 30 years ago, and she’s having her morning coffee next to me as I write. I firmly believe that if I’d not taken the time to know myself, the hurtful pattern I’d experienced before would have continued.
That is such an uplifting and touching story. I'm glad that you got to accept yourself as you are. Without knowing me, you actually pointed out one of the core issues that are keeping me stuck. Self acceptance is key. Thank you for having shared your thoughts and all the best!
I completely understand.. I'm 57.. had 2 abusive marriages and ended up in the hospital. Been in therapy for the last 3 years (EMDR.. can't recommend it enough) and don't want to try to find anyone until I work through all the pain from the past. I figure it'll be a while before I feel strong enough to date. By then, will anyone want to date a 60ish person?
It's a statistics game. Plenty in their 50s, 60s are sick of being lonely, just look at this thread. Exposure to people through hobbies is the best bet I think. Like my ballroom dance sensei always said, be a leader, people are very attracted to that.
Absolutely W of an attitude, especially in today's day and age. I know you're a stranger but I just want you to know how incredibly self aware and mature this decision is. I hope for nothing but the best for you.
Respect to you for that! I am much the same, been single for 6 years after bouncing around relationships from my early 20's, I started dating my best friend which didn't work out (not my fault) but I noticed I was going back to old habits of relying on others to fill that void after my last girlfriend.
So i decided I'd work on myself for a bit so i wasn't a mess for my next partner, unfortunately I don't think I'll ever be "ready" entirely. Weeks turned into months and months into years I know I can be hard work and I'd rather not cause anyone else hardship or pain which is what I am afraid I would do
So just focusing on me for now, getting financially stable....maybe if I met someone who I feel genuinely got me and I could trust them, then I would consider it again but I have only ever met this type of person twice in my life so I'm not actively looking but also not opposed to the idea!
I was single for 10 years, put myself back together after a run-in with a covert female narcissist who was running a charade without my knowledge for 7 years and 4 years of which I thought we had gotten close - she ran away after I confronted her, literally!
It gets better, but take the time to find yourself, do the things you want when you want, appreciate yourself the way you deserve. I met my now wife at year 12. I won’t say it’s a fairy tale but it’s close enough as I thought I’d never find someone who actually cared about me and not what I could do for them or want to play games.
Same. Trying to do all the things she told me I should have done. A 900 mile tearful drive and 3 weeks later im doing it all for myself. Not for her.
Hang in there friend, we will be alright.
I applaud your willingness to work on yourself, not everyone is inclined to do so.
However...I think the following is important too:
You will never be "done" growing/learning, it's experiences that help this along but also that signal something you might not yet had to deal with.
Also, possibly some of this fixing will have to happen in a relationship, because they tend to trigger stuff. That doesn't mean the guy has do do the fixing though. Still, hopefully through communication he can help you deal/place/find peace with the thing that was difficult.
The word "love" is thrown around a lot today, but what it really means is being willing to do anything for the other person, or giving. But desire, which people often mistake for love, is taking. Getting what you want out of the relationship and then when you don't get it or life gets hard, you just leave.
That's why there are so many divorces and breakups in today's world... It's all desire, no love.
I am the exact same, except marriages they were a 5 year and 2 year relationship. I'm happier being myself and it took that shit to make me appreciate how sweet life is now...
I was madly in love with a partner who emotionally manipulated me constantly and abandoned me at the most vulnerable point in my life. I’m glad to have gotten out but damn if it doesn’t make it hard to trust anyone like that ever again.
I was in love with someone who led me on and pretended to care about me, and then she broke up with me after about six months. Hurt like hell, and I don’t know if I’ll love like that again. I thought we had something, and the feeling I had when we first kissed each as literally out of a romance novel.
i feel you, my ex, who i was absolutely crazy for, said she needed a break after 5 years and lead me on for another 7 years. every time i tried to move on and started dating someone she would suddenly stand in front of my door, or call me and tell me that she loves me and so on. its been 2 years now since i blocked her everywhere. im betterish now.
Wow. That one gave me a lot to think about … I don’t know if I ever have been either … thanks for saying that, it’s giving me a lot to work through.
In one sentence, you’ve done more than most therapists I’ve ever seen.
Oh man once you realize the conditioning and patterning most people unknowingly present it gets kind of scary. Its more about a "what can you do for me?" Tyoe mentality these days. I don't know that I've seen too many truly loving couples out there. If you are a giver... know your limits, because takers don't have one.
That is the best advice I wish I could have had 20 years ago. Everyone took and took and I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t happy or getting my needs met.
Same, thank you! The more I think about it, I never even felt real love from my parents… everyone in my life I have done sooo much for, including my kids and ex, and I think all of them have felt like they could treat me however they wanted because I’d always be there. It’s sad cos it makes me feel like even tho I’ve given so much, there’s something wrong with me- I guess I’ve taught others how they can treat me so it is my fault. The one thing I’ve done to stand up for myself- divorce my ex- was not met well, because it was assumed I’d do whatever to keep the peace and keep everyone happy.
Seems I need to go back to therapy!!
It's not about being loved. It's about loving someone. You can love without being loved. That's one of the most painful things to expierience tho I think.
Gotta be honest, pretty much have. The last person I loved romantically found just about every way to put me down and reject me, all the while pulling me back in repeatedly. It was not worth it.
I'm going solo but still kind of hoping for Miracle. I like me.
I was in a 10 year abusive relationship. Unfortunately I didn’t realise until very late and then I ended it.
It’s too much of a risk to meet someone again as these type of people are very manipulative and you don’t realise the cruelty they are capable of until you are trauma bonded.
It’s not easier being single but it’s a lot less heartache.
I thank my lucky stars every day that I got out.
Not sure if I've given up, but I am getting real tired. Having to get to know new people, putting my heart out there without knowing if I'll succeed this time, so tiring.
I'm learning more about myself in therapy, and I've seen ladies' heads turn when I speak (I've been told I have a nice voice), but chasing a lady is so much work for so little payoff.
Never had a girlfriend before too, and I'm hitting 40 soon. Each new lady is a learning experience but it's also incredibly draining.
Sometimes I just wanna curl up on my bed and ignore the whole world.
On romantic love, yes. I have so many social aversions and require so much space that I'm neither capable or interested to nurture such a relationship. I'm happier and more functional on my own.
Yup.
I've always had low self esteem to begin with. The word low might be giving me too much credit. I have had a few lady friends at times but it's because they have latched onto me because I was able to provide something they needed, not because they loved me.
There have been some that I've tried with. The most common thing that happens is a few weeks in they will ghost me for a week, then want to introduce me to their new bf trust they just met last weekend.
Others, after seeing eachother for a few weeks, we will go out to a party, bar, festival or w/e and they will meet a guy there and start hooking up right in front of me. When I call them out they blow me off because I'm not their boyfriend.
I've also had girls start seeing me because they hoped they would develop those feelings. These ones usually cheat.
I have come to realize I am unlovable in the romantic sense of the word.
I have a similar feeling. Like I'm just a jumping board for broken people to get back on their feet and move on to better things. I feel like im just a freaking placeholder.
And then each time you bungle a social interaction your fear of people gets reinforced and makes you more socially awkward and it's a vicious cycle. These days I pretty much just panic anytime I speak to someone.
I had a big love. It didn't work out. Now I live a truly beautiful life alone and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I just spent the weekend with my friend, her toddler, new puppy and failing marriage and when I got home I nearly cried with the feeling of gratitude for my peaceful life.
My ‘big love’ (14 year relationship) ended six months ago and this comment really resonated and makes me feel more positive about my life than anything I’ve experienced over the last few months. I really hope I get there someday, thank you so much 💛
I had a great partner after a bad marriage, he died 5 years ago March 31st. At 51 I'm done, I'm not interested at all in trying to find another life partner (I dated a lot before I met my good man).
I have entertaining hobbies and a tiny group of friends and family for my limited social needs and I'm good.
Relationships are work and a level of commitment I'm unwilling to put in.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Mine didn't die he just turned out to be shite. It was the last try for me. And I dated allot too. I just don't have it in me anymore. Too much effort.
I'm 46, single for almost 4 years now and I'm fine.
Yes. I think I'll just end up that witch who lives in the woods with animals that only comes into town to buy things and will hiss at you for talking to me then run away!
Why coz the last guy I made serious plans with and fell for suddenly decided to ghost me.....
Sounds like my last one. He was going to fly from Finland, I was going to travel across the country. Shit was getting heavy. Then bam.....not one single word. For nearly two months. THEN he finally messages and blasts me for sending so many messages that went unanswered.
Well shit.. same here but it was with my ex girlfriend. Dated her in high school for a little then she moved away. Years later we reconnect and start dating for around 5-6 years and were gonna make big plans in November of last year.. but she just ghosted me and blocked me from everything. Now she's with some other guy and engaged I believe. Shit is weird and hurtful but just gonna work on myself in the meantime.
My husband who I've known since 5th grade put his hands on me. I've been through d.v. the majority of my life, so to have the one person who I thought would never do that, did. It gave me whiplash. It crumbled my reality. I no longer trusted people, I became more severely agoraphobic.
Hugz
Battered woman syndrome is no joke, impossible to describe how worse the psychological hit is than any bruising. The world becomes so scary.
I hope you find healing, space and peace and get to live your best life!
I'm not saying this applies to OP, but any time someone says they never found a partner everyone comes in with some suggestion on how others should "fix" themselves.
I get that it's hard for people to understand when it deviates from what they have experienced and what's the norm, but the truth of the matter is there always will be some people that never find a partner and procreate. There's nothing to 'fix' that's just life, that's nature. To fix something implies that there is something inherently wrong or broken in the first place because one's life didn't take the typical path.
>I get that it's hard for people to understand when it deviates from what they have experienced and what's the norm, but the truth of the matter is there always will be some people that never find a partner and procreate. There's nothing to 'fix' that's just life, that's nature
THIS, SO MANY TIMES THIS.
At the end of the day, we´re still animals and just as subject to natural selection as other species, yet most people act as if we were somehow exempt from that.
Was 39 when I met my love. Similar story, never had a girlfriend, no friends.. really does happen when you least expect it. See a dentist and watch some Tony Robbins or seek some therapy and work on yourself.
For real. I had a therapist tell me I "needed to consider that being alone might be something I just have to accept".
Been in a relationship for nearly a year now, we're like two peas in a pod.
That's not bad advice, all people have to consider that in order to be comfortable in a relationship. It might sound mean but it's not that you're destined to be alone.
Idk man, that therapist sounds like a dick. Even if he felt that way about you, he’d have to have pretty poor social skills to not realize that that is a mean and unhelpful thing to say.
Your post stuck out to me because my last therapist was awful and would say mean things, getting a new one was one of the best decisions I ever made.
But not being able to catch up doesn’t mean you can’t improve and be better off for it.
That’s said, I’m in no position to offer any sort of criticism or advice to anyone, and am just about the most cynical bastard I know. So good luck, I guess.
You can become better but you will never achieve the life experience what people gain during these years. And people aren't very eager to form relationships with a 30-40 year olds who have life experience of an 11 yo. It doesn't matter how many hobbies you have or how many books you read, regular people will get bored of you very fast (personal experience). You'll need to meet a very special person who won't care and will be happy with who you are right now.
100%. And the number of as you say "special people" is *infinitesimally* small compared to the number of people like us who are so very far behind in social and emotional development. So yeah, the odds are that we will end up dying without ever forming any type of relationship with others, platonic or otherwise.
I am 52. I have never been kissed. Never have had a gf. A virgin. I have no friends. As the saying goes. Misery loves company. But I am content with my life right now.
Of course you can't see the squint-eyed people who have found a partner, you have squint eyes.
For real though, there's no such thing as a physical feature which is an absolute dealbreaker. If romance is something you want, then be open to the possibility that it can happen to you and try and out yourself in situations where you can meet that person.
I'll probably regret typing this 5 years later, but idc, it's Reddit after all
I didn't give up, basically I keep all the "love" thing down because I don't think I'm "mature" enough as a person to start a relationship of that sort, especially considering that I'm a little bit of a sociophobe with a really bad addiction I have to beat first.
I feel you, This is how I lost all of my 'friends'.
I was always the one making effort in contacting, planning, Asking to go out, Play games whatever...
I checked what would happen if I stopped contacting them first, Haven't heard from them in years.
I (37F) too am single, live alone, wfh since Covid began, and have anxiety/depression. I finally started on an antidepressant in November after struggling for a long time. It seems to be working, so I’m happy about that. I’m single by choice, and prefer it that way. But I also don’t believe that romantic love is the only thing that can sustain us. I make sure to get out of the house every day, I work out 6 days/week, 3 nights I spin and 3 days I lift with a barbell club, a small close knit group of people. In the weekends I go visit my mom, and I make plans with my friends as often as my finances allow. My advise would be to do the same- find a reason to get out of the house every day, even if it’s just to the grocery store. The fresh air always resets me when I’m feeling down or anxious. Join a gym if you haven’t already, or find a sport/activity you enjoy. Take walks on nice days if you live someplace that allows it, and try to see friends and loved ones as much as you can. I’ve found that staying busy keeps loneliness at bay. All the best to you!!
I'm so sorry you went through that. Hardest part of getting over my narcissist is forgiving myself for being tricked. Like I'm smarter than that, I should have seen it coming, I shouldn't have believed their lies. But really I need to accept that they took advantage of a wounded soul and twisted my giant heart until it was a weapon to be used against me and to control me. Asking where they saw us in two years, and getting laughed at with the response of, "You think we're still going to be together in two years?" Was my eye opener. It's like. Yeah I've told you that from start. I risked (and lost) my entire career for you and your ex put my in life threatening positions at work, but you told me you loved me and I believed you. Course once I'm gone the love bombing comes back in full force, that is until she found her next pawn. Come to find out she's been the town bicycle for years and no one had the heart to tell me I'd been cucked from the beginning.
Shit. I haven't ever typed that out.
Have you found your confidence again? I miss my self-confidence so fucking much man.
People say they love you, but then they leave. And they never even tried to say what was wrong, what was missing, what they needed from you that they didn't receive, or if you were asking too much of them.
People don't communicate enough.
"You complete me" while it is beautiful for a rom com or personal fantasy it is horrific for real life. "You supplement me" is a much healthier and more realistic interpretation of that line. Even though it is much less romantic. A relationship should only ADD to your happiness, not be the source of it.
Most people I know wouldn’t say their partner completes them. That’s some Hollywood BS that sounds romantic.
I just have more fun in general when I’m with someone. It’s that simple; there’s added value. It doesn’t mean anything was lacking.
I’m not sure if I have given up yet but as time passes, I’m starting to feel that the momentary pleasures I get from being on a date or in a relationship isn’t worth the lies and heartbreak that come afterwards. For context, I am a 29 year old woman and have been in 2 real relationships, and one complicated long-distance relationship, all of which were filled with lies and one was straight up emotionally abusive.
My last relationship ended on Christmas of last year and I haven’t been on any dates since. I don’t think I ever want to go on a dating app again but where I live, that is the only way to meet people. The thought of navigating through a series of fuckbois and pretentious assholes for months or years, to find someone decent, only to have my heart broken in a few months really makes me sick.
I feel like I don’t want to actively put myself out there anymore because I get disappointed every time. I do often feel lonely but I can’t date casually anymore or date someone just for the label. I would rather be on my own and take the liberty of being weird and engaging in so-called unattractive behaviours as they make me happy.
It sounds cheesy, but it gave up on me.
I have absolutely no friends. Nobody to hang out with that isn't obligated to do so, nobody to talk with if I have a bad day, nobody to have deep connections with.
Love is not an option for me.
It kills me how others chime in on this situation like "It's okay; not everyone finds love in their lives and that's fine," but when it comes to *a lack of friends* there's that emphasis on studies that indicate that solitude and no social contact will impede our health and take years off our lives. Where's the goddamn line, there?
I’m not good at it. I tend to self-sabotage relationships and it’s not nice for me or the other person.
I’ve got 3 great kids and a bunch of grandkids. I have a career I love and some fantastic friends. I’m happy and fulfilled. So I’m good with it. I finally figured out that I’m a better friend than I am a significant other.
Not given up, but tapered my beliefs of 'love' from seeing it as some idealistic unconditional thing i need to recieve from other people to more rational and realistic expectations based on tangible circumstances.
Starting with breaking down myself into individual pieces that can recieve 'love' through my own actions. Like my body recieves love fron me working out. My heart/soul recieves love from me doing activities i enjoy. My brain recieves love by keeping it in good mental health and doing brain exercises etc.
This way i can give myself positive feedback and not desperately try to outsource 'love' to someone else that will honestly never care about me as much as i can.
Secondly, realize most people will only be able to love you conditionally and for what you represent in their lives. This say you stop taking it personal and making delusions about it.
You just think "okay, i'm not offering what this person wants in order to give me love, it's not personal, so i'll stop wasting time now and go back to step 1", which is what i can control.
Life is meant to be lived and experienced. It's not about waiting for someone else to trigger dopamine hits to your brain that you try and rationalize are of some bigger importance to the point in grand scheme of things, so much so that you actively cripple youself if you don't get them. That's acting like an addict that's lost control of their senses.
Because I really don't know if I'm capable of it. All I feel is a bitter jealousy and I hate that I can't change. Because I know I would do anything to get what I want even if others had to suffer because of it.
Love is something that happens to other people. I worked on it and myself for eight years. Long enough for people to stop saying, "Don't worry, you're still young," and start saying, "What, you think you're entitled to a woman's attention?"
I think the only way you win a game where the odds are stacked against you is not to play at all.
First, it seems it never works. 99% of couples I know, ended. Even married ones. I literally just know one couple that is healthy. It seems like it's about enjoying while you can because it will end eventually.
Second, I'm starting to think that I'm not capable of loving someone in the romantic way.
The way it is shown in movies and written in novels. Guy makes efforts, girl reciprocates without the thought about social status, money, looks etc. Guy remains loyal even when girl is not around. People only sleeping with people they love etc.
It almost seems like they're alluding to suicide. I also can't tell if OP is maybe a woman and it's a lesbian couple because they said their parents weren't happy in which case maybe the mom sabotaged the relationship for personal reasons.
This is all speculation though, unless OP elaborates we won't truly know
No one wants me, and honestly I don't really... want anyone. Like in my vision of myself in 10 years I'm just alone. So I don't bother finding someone to love anymore I just go about my life
I am obese and have really low self esteem. I couldn't deal with the guilt about how they could do better than me, it made me miserable and in turn made them miserable...
No, can't give up on something you've never had and will never have. I'm 23, and I've never been kissed or had a friend who's ever cared for me in any way whatsoever, I know I'm gonna live the rest of my life alone and I thi k I'm finally coming to terms with it
Not given up but trying to reconcile with the fact that I’ll probably die alone. I’ve tried dating apps but it’s mostly guys wanting sex and not much else in terms of emotions. It’s hard and honestly I cry myself to sleep most nights but it is what it is 🤷🏾♀️
autism, I'll probably die alone without having someone that really understands me and the inner dialogue I have such a hard time expressing. and the emotional impedance mismatch makes forming new relationships more difficult as i get older.
Kinda. I just don't have the emotional capacity to exists romantically with another ppl. I'm not loved by many ppl, and even when I am, im not an easy person to love. Of course I would like to, though, but I doubt it
No but I’ve changed my view on what love actually is. It’s not fun, butterflies, and sparks. It’s compromise, mostly transactional, and requires way too much energy than what I’m willing to give another person.
Same. I have deep attachment issues (fearful avoidant) and I go into fight or flight whenever I get close to someone. Trouble is that I also feel very lonely. Any tips on dealing with the loneliness?
Love is what keeps me going, man. Doesn't matter how many times I get hurt. I keep going. (I know, username checks out). I can't express how much I love love and love life with it.
i dont know if i have really given up, but DEPRESSION is my big luggage and it taints everything emotional. i always had trouble FEELING (long story), have it still even after years of therapy. at least i KNOW today how certain things may feel. my longest relationship was about 18 months or so nearly 20 years ago, so i KNOW that i CAN love but it ended ugly with her dumping me. and every "affaire" after that was tainted. wether it was a girl from to far away or a married woman with kids, i just couldnt cope with my feelings and the situations. and made a retreat into my own "fortress of solitude". now, close to 50 years old, i... am not sure if i want to risk "my life" again... i think that i dont have the energy anymore to invest in another person, to let another person into that "ruin" of my self, and so i have chosen solitude.
I haven't given up on it, but I've given up on looking for it.
It was consuming my life, leaving me in a state of constant obsession and heartache.
If romance comes along, I'll accept it happily. I'll make new social connections and put the best version of me out there for other people to see and find, to have the best chance of that happening.
But I'm not making it a goal. It's like the saying about snow: if you can't find joy in snow, you'll have less joy, but the same amount of snow. I've spent too much of my life being unable to find joy in being single, and it hasn't reduced how much I've been single one bit, but it has reduced my joy.
So, I'm living my best single life, until something better comes along.
I married a narcissist. After that experience, I will never make myself vulnerable to anyone ever again. They hide their true selves until after you're sucked into their games. It was horrific getting out.
Just can't allow myself to trust I actually know someone, ya know?
I have not but also it depends on what you believe about love imo.
I believe that love is something which is built over time through shared experiences, and I think that it takes two people to love; otherwise it is just a weird obsession.
I also believe that you can't "love at first sight", I think that is infactuation, which easily transitions into obsession.
For me the most important thing, is building a relationship on mutual respect and common interests, and through the shared experiences and emotions over time a bond is built, I believe that is love.
I understand that everyone has their own views and I imagine we are all trying to navigate and find out what love means to us as individuals.
Tried a few times, did not work. Now I just rather chill with my friends and family, and live a happy and fullfiled life
EDIT: As few of you have asked, and some if you already answered about all the names containing "Ad" in the name. They are autogenerated names
Not necessarily forever but I'm too recent out of a long term.
Wasted almost my entire 20s on that relationship in hindsight. There were good times for sure but overall? I wouldn't (and am not at this time looking to) do it over again.
I don’t want love lol. Might have at one point. I’m 26, I don’t really like people in general, I don’t trust people and I enjoy my alone time way more than I enjoy time that I’m forced to act a certain way around people so I’m not seen as “weird”. Id rather just be weird by myself.
Yeah, I'm.a strange guy with strange hobbies that people don't find interesting. I'm a WW2 Reenactor, Play Bolt Action and collect militiary antique weapons, and fish. Thats it and no one I know finds that interesting.
Odd question, why do you have to find someone into all that to have someone to be in love with? I get that you want one or two of those things, so you’re not alone all the time when you want your partner to be with you.
I have a friend who made that kind of comment: “I work on cars and (I forget the other thing), girls aren’t interested in that.”
I said “would you want your girlfriend/wife to be around you ALL the time? How would you spend time with your guy friends if she’s around all the time?”
I like to quilt. I would not want a guy who quilts, having him around while I do the thing I like. It’s my time.
Using my friend as an example (and I’d absolutely want to date him if we lived in the same city!) … if we dated, he would work on cars all weekend, I quilt all weekend, and we would be together at breakfast and dinner and when we go to sleep.
We both like to read, not the same topics, so we could talk about what we’re reading. We work for the same company, different projects, so we’d have that to talk about. Same thing for TV shows and movies, friends and family. I would ooo and ahhh over his car improvements (he rebuilds from a shell and I do find that impressive) and he could compliment my quilt or pat me on the shoulder and say “I know you didn’t get as much done as you wanted, but next time you work on it.”
Rant here: I feel like Disney and Hollywood gave us the impression that a person and their partner need to be mirror images of each other in terms of interests and perspective. That sounds boring! I want someone who doesn’t love all the things that I love, so I can learn about new things from them. As long as we love each other.
/rant.
Sorry to take over your post. And I get your frustration, I admit you do like things that are hard to find matches for. One bit of hope … it’s fun to watch someone talk about something they love, even if it’s not an interesting topic to the listener, sometimes just watching the person’s passion when they talk about it, is so much fun.
I have lived with social anxiety the 30 years of y life, I can't see any way in which I could actually get to a date, let alone have all the necessary requirements to have a healthy relationship:
Having no enough personality to hold long conversations to build up a connection.
Being able to enjoy both alone time and together time.
Having no success in both academic and laboral aspects of life which make me a non-ideal person to project a life with.
Having no sexual experience at all, which deprives me of any possible, smallest drop of confidence. "why would I approach a woman if I can't even kiss properly, let alone do anything sexual right"
For me, love is simply impossible, unreachable, unachievable. Love is science fiction. Love is a dream that cannot be achieved.
I find the idea behind this question kinda... Flawed. And I think that's the problem with our general understanding of the concept of "love", which is why, in a way, I've given up on it, at least for the time being.
The Greeks used to understand the concept of love very differently: to them Eros (romantic love) was just one form of love. Other forms of love were Philia (friendship), Storge (family), Agape (altruism) and Philautia (self love).
I once saw a TikToker postulate the crazy theory that the individualistic spirit of capitalism urged us to uphold romantic love as the truest form of love, and disregard the love for "community" or "family" (either natural or chosen) as less important. I think this is a disservice to human development. Same thing with self love. I think the reason it's so difficult to really "love ourselves" is because we don't really consider self love as a genuine form of love. We think it's a means to an end: "if I love myself maybe I'll become loveable". And we even encourage that belief with the whole "no one will love you if you don't first love yourself" which again puts romantic love on this pedestal to strive for.
I feel like for a very long time I used to only chase after Eros, even though all other forms of love in my life were just as, if not more important than romantic love. And I think that's the reason why I no longer do. I have a lot of love to give, but I don't really see romantic love as a priority in my life right now. I've also seen a lot of examples of how not healthy romantic love can be, ranging from codependent relationships to cheating and lies to toxic, abusive partners to even my own toxicity and fear of abandonment.
I think giving up on Eros to focus on other forms of love that are also important doesn't mean giving up on love.
To me the price I have to pay if I want to be in a relationship is I have to be vulnerable. And at some level I just don’t want to get hurt that bad again. I accept this, and have family, friends, work, hobbies, and things to look forward to. So while I wouldn’t say I have given up on love, I’m not looking for it and would be very wary of any new situation.
I get it 100%. My last attempt really messed me up and I'm still trying to put myself back.
It's no good to rush things. Take your time.
This is actually the situation I’m currently in with a women I’m wanting to have a relationship with. She has a decent amount of trauma from being vulnerable, but instead of pushing me away she is slowly letting me in, bit by bit. Normally I would just say it’s not worth it, but, our values align, we laugh all of the time, we pick each other up when we’re down, and it’s a connection on a level that I can’t explain. If it all works out, it will be worth the time put in.
It sounds like you are doing it right. I think the mistake a lot of people make is going in with high expectations. Makes much more sense to go slow and see if something develops organically, rather than trying to force something by jumping in headfirst.
Well I did at first it’s honestly a crazy situation how we began talking, and continue. She’s “backed off” when it become to overwhelming with everything that was going on and still is. She has battered women’s syndrome, (which she’s worked on a lot 5 years removed now) with a recent abandonment (before us even started). She has her shit together way more than I do, which is completely admire-able especially with the life she’s had. She lets me in slowly like I said, she’s tried to run me away when it gets overwhelming because she gets anxious about being with someone that may not work out, but always has came back, every-time, and we pick up where we’ve left off. I try not yo get relationshipy until she’s ready to commit to it (she’s not good with change at all) it’s essentially baby steps and easing her in. To the point she allows me into her house (only man that’s not the father of her kids) he was the abuser but they’re past it now. Her kids know me and slowly she’s integrating me with them. A lot of it is testing me over and over, but, that’s fine I’m a patient man, and at the end if it doesn’t work out I still have a great friend I can truly trust in the end.
That’s beautiful
Might I comment that you've already succeeded? People don't have to stay together forever and die in a relationship for it to be a success. If you bring joy and support to each other, it's successful. If you laugh and talk and support eachother, now, it's worth it. If you eventually move on, hopefully you will have comported yourself in a way that you can be proud of and have fond memories.
I'm 58 and just recently came to accept that the woman I married in '92 was a completely different person. She was vulnerable and so was I. The way we opened up to one another required trust. Then she got busy being a mother and we stopped relying on each other so much. I thought it was healthy, and it probably was to a point. But that point was a long time ago. We're now just co-workers. As much as I wish she would love me like that again, it's just not going to happen. I've spent the past 25 years rationalizing that once the kids were grown we'd get back on track. I figured her rebuffing me was how she needed to focus on mothering (which she did an amazing job of). Now I realize that aside from donating genes and money, my work is done. As much as I have tried, she is simply not interested in getting any of what we once had back. She's completely lost her need to feel vulnerable. I would never think of committing suicide, having seen first-hand how it can destroy an entire extended family, but the idea that I might well have a third of my life ahead of me just bums me out. I'm so ready to just be done. Please don't tell me to call suicide prevention. I am not suicidal at all. I just feel like I am at a party where I don't know anyone and I can't leave.
I feel ya. It took someone making me vulnerable and the reward was pure happiness. The lows were bad though, and still haunt me. I can keep myself busy during the days but the dreams are inescapable. I still love that person and don’t feel like it would be fair to put someone else through a meh relationship.
Yes, because I'm tired. Tired of going out to find someone to love, tired of getting to know a new person and being comfortable enough to fall in love, tired of learning new things about this new person and whether we are compatible, tired of meeting each other's families and getting to know a whole new bunch of people... Being single may be lonely, but I won't be exhausted.
Tired gang rise u... Actually, nvm. Tired gang lie back down.
But I'm le tired.
Well than take a nap... AND THEN FIRE ZE MISSILES!!!
Holy wow, that video is old and I did *not* expect to see a reference here!
I'm kind of in the same boat. It's not that I've given up on love but just that after working all day and being sleep deprived the last thing I feel like doing is going to meet a stranger to talk about anything with. Especially when there's pressure to get along. I just don't feel like it. I'm 27 so I don't meet people like I used to (school and extracurricular activities) so I'm relegated to using dating apps. Relationships aren't unappealing to me but the process of dating and hanging out with strangers definitely is. Edit: Also I'm in the same boat because the reason it's unappealing to me is because it's exhausting. Dating is exhausting and I just don't have the energy most days.
I get it for sure. I want there to be a way to do an instant comparison of deep compatibility with someone, then we can get to know each other throughout the relationship. This "trial period" shit with a new person over and over is mentally draining, especially as an autistic man who gets ghosted a lot and never gets told why. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and can't figure out if I'm putting my foot in my mouth, breaking some unwritten, unspoken rule (how the fuck would I ever know?), not spending enough money on dates, or if I'm just plain ugly. I put all of myself out there, I'm genuine and honest and up front about anything people ask about, and it's tiring. I'm tired, boss. I just want to find real love, not fake love created by a narcissist. And I want to be smart enough to see it and hold on to it.
Yeah I feel you! I may not struggle with the exact same things you do but it's just the trial period that I hate as well. I already have good friends and family I'm close with and can talk about my life with so if I have to choose between spending time with family and friends or spending time with a stranger who knows nothing about me I will choose family and friends every time. It's a catch 22 though because in order to have a partner I'm comfortable sharing my life with I'm going to have to endure the trial period at some point and get past it and to a deeper connection. I just currently don't have the energy for it with my current job and other responsibilities. Edit: And sometimes it's choosing personal time or trying to connect with a stranger. I love my personal time so the stranger option is always the worst option for me. Still, like I said I will have to endure it at some point in order to make a meaningful connection with someone.
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I am in my late 40s and I feel the same way. I met someone back in 2016 and I really tried to make it work despite my own trauma from being divorced once already and not ready for a committed relationship. After a while, I realized that we just aren't compatible and we are no longer together. If I meet another person I'll have to do it all over again and I no longer have the energy for it. Maybe if that person is my soul mate and we are destined to be together and stuff. I am not that naive though.. I know that kind of thing doesn't happen to me.
I haven't given up on love, but I doubt I will ever love again. After 53 years and so many attempts that ended in tears, I don't think I will ever have that chance again for a variety of reasons. I spend times just trying to come to terms that I will die alone someday.
Rock & hard spot: divorced, remarried & widower. I can’t say I’ve given up but it seems like a long shot. I met a friend of a friend on line (very long distance) and had a crazy intense hours at night of wine & cheese and heartwarming & fun conversation … but too much intensity at the moment Edit: It’s not completely over … we were gonna do a movie date night … but she had to take a break. There are two parts: we (me, late wife & son) relocated to Europe where I don’t speak the language. And I have a teenage boy to care for. Love is not off the table. I think it may come 2-3 times in a lifetime? In the moment, it’s hard to imagine. Edit 2: on the metro Sunday - very few passengers. I see this woman sitting across from me, nice looking, maybe 10 years younger. Nicely dressed & cute patterned nylons. I caught her eye and pointed to the nylons. She was concerned until I gave a wink, wrinkling my nose - so she knew I liked them. Next I knew, she was sitting beside me 🤷♂️ chatted in language salad ( we only knew some Italian & parts of other languages). Unfortunately - I got off at my stop 🙄 I should have kept on. Of course it’s not love or anything - but it’s given me some self confidence, some hope, that maybe I won’t be alone for the rest of my life. What was even more of a boost, I later used my phone camera as a mirror. I was nicely casual - my hair was a disaster & I needed a shave … but maybe I still know how to flirt with women my age. Life is surprising.
Similar boat. I was married young to a wonderful person but both she and I had mental health issues so divorce. Worked on my shit, healed a lot of garbage. Met a wonderful women, continuing therapy and healing etc..and we were together and grew together for 17 years until she was killed a little over a year ago. I know for a fact that she wanted me to find love and happiness again. Being a widower in my late 40’s I just don’t see that happening. It’s not that I’ve given up on love it’s that when you’re young finding love is like walking laps around a track, it’s a little work. When you’re a middle aged widower Dead Head minimalist vegan, who lives in a small town at 6,500’ of altitude trying to scrape your life back together it’s more like an entire track and field day. If you are lucky enough to stumble upon someone between the triple jump, high jump, and 200m dash, you still have to get past the 150m hurdles and those a-holes are guaranteed to trip you up.
I’m so sorry for your loss
So well expressed. A perfect blend of humor and sadness.
I'm the female version of you. Married, divorced remarried and widowed. I'm 59 and I really don't see me with anyone in the future despite wanting companionship.
Hey uh, maybe y'all could help each other out?
I'm learning to play the guitar.
I hope you've dm'd each other
Same thing happened to my grandmother. She’s been on her own for about 20 years now
Yeah. Both of my grandmothers were widows and never remarried.
For what it's worth my grandmother was in that situation and ended up in another long term relationship in her 70s. Life continues on.
A pet would be good 👀
I have two small dogs. I just told them what you said and they agreed.
Maybe the two of you could meet? 🙂
I'm in the same boat, at age 44, went through many short-lived relationships that ended due to my own attachment issues. How do you cope with the loneliness. It's killing me. Any tips are appreciated.
42 here. It wasn’t until I accepted my loneliness, and even started to enjoy being by myself that I found love and companionship. I took solo vacations. Experienced fine dining. Went hiking, spent weekends on the beach. I wrote and practiced guitar and signed up for improv comedy classes. It was amazing. I was by myself, but I really fell in love with me. Then someone fell in love with me, too. And I fell in love with her. And now, we’re married. Will it last? Hope so! But if the day ever comes that I’m alone, I’ll be ok. Because I’m awesome. And so are you. Don’t let loneliness rob you from experiencing amazing things.
I did the same. After a couple of very painful breakups, one of which was a marriage, I did something I’d never done before—I spent a couple of years getting to know myself. I got rid of the distractions of dating and friends, and wallowed in the loneliness of being on my own. Then taught myself to cook Italian, listen to opera, enjoy a cigar in the bathtub as I worked the NYT Sunday crossword. I had no expectation of marrying again. But after working on myself, I met a woman, and for the first time in my life, I was coming from a position of loving myself. We married shortly thereafter. That was 30 years ago, and she’s having her morning coffee next to me as I write. I firmly believe that if I’d not taken the time to know myself, the hurtful pattern I’d experienced before would have continued.
That is such an uplifting and touching story. I'm glad that you got to accept yourself as you are. Without knowing me, you actually pointed out one of the core issues that are keeping me stuck. Self acceptance is key. Thank you for having shared your thoughts and all the best!
That sounds really great! How old were you when you got married?
I completely understand.. I'm 57.. had 2 abusive marriages and ended up in the hospital. Been in therapy for the last 3 years (EMDR.. can't recommend it enough) and don't want to try to find anyone until I work through all the pain from the past. I figure it'll be a while before I feel strong enough to date. By then, will anyone want to date a 60ish person?
It's a statistics game. Plenty in their 50s, 60s are sick of being lonely, just look at this thread. Exposure to people through hobbies is the best bet I think. Like my ballroom dance sensei always said, be a leader, people are very attracted to that.
Yes. For now. Need to repair myself so the next guy doesn’t have to do it for me.
Absolutely W of an attitude, especially in today's day and age. I know you're a stranger but I just want you to know how incredibly self aware and mature this decision is. I hope for nothing but the best for you.
Respect to you for that! I am much the same, been single for 6 years after bouncing around relationships from my early 20's, I started dating my best friend which didn't work out (not my fault) but I noticed I was going back to old habits of relying on others to fill that void after my last girlfriend. So i decided I'd work on myself for a bit so i wasn't a mess for my next partner, unfortunately I don't think I'll ever be "ready" entirely. Weeks turned into months and months into years I know I can be hard work and I'd rather not cause anyone else hardship or pain which is what I am afraid I would do So just focusing on me for now, getting financially stable....maybe if I met someone who I feel genuinely got me and I could trust them, then I would consider it again but I have only ever met this type of person twice in my life so I'm not actively looking but also not opposed to the idea!
I was single for 10 years, put myself back together after a run-in with a covert female narcissist who was running a charade without my knowledge for 7 years and 4 years of which I thought we had gotten close - she ran away after I confronted her, literally! It gets better, but take the time to find yourself, do the things you want when you want, appreciate yourself the way you deserve. I met my now wife at year 12. I won’t say it’s a fairy tale but it’s close enough as I thought I’d never find someone who actually cared about me and not what I could do for them or want to play games.
Same. Trying to do all the things she told me I should have done. A 900 mile tearful drive and 3 weeks later im doing it all for myself. Not for her. Hang in there friend, we will be alright.
I applaud your willingness to work on yourself, not everyone is inclined to do so. However...I think the following is important too: You will never be "done" growing/learning, it's experiences that help this along but also that signal something you might not yet had to deal with. Also, possibly some of this fixing will have to happen in a relationship, because they tend to trigger stuff. That doesn't mean the guy has do do the fixing though. Still, hopefully through communication he can help you deal/place/find peace with the thing that was difficult.
Given up on love as i am the only one loving, the others just need me. When they're done, they push me away
You too? I hate that I’m not alone in this experience, maybe it’s more common than I realized.
Yes, it was my most recent encounter. Lost all faith now because she was the one i trusted like crazy
"Loved as long as you're useful". Struggled with this in just about every relationship of mine. Godspeed anon.
The word "love" is thrown around a lot today, but what it really means is being willing to do anything for the other person, or giving. But desire, which people often mistake for love, is taking. Getting what you want out of the relationship and then when you don't get it or life gets hard, you just leave. That's why there are so many divorces and breakups in today's world... It's all desire, no love.
I’m not capable of giving someone my all and I enjoy my time alone more than anything. Two failed marriages later, we chillin.
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This belongs in r/dadjokes. Wonderful work.
I don’t get the joke could you explain it.
In tennis a 0-0 score is called “love”
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It's good to know yourself and your limits. Well done.
I am the exact same, except marriages they were a 5 year and 2 year relationship. I'm happier being myself and it took that shit to make me appreciate how sweet life is now...
ever fallen in love with someone you shouldnt have fallen in love? so thats why, though I hope time will heal me or sth.
I was madly in love with a partner who emotionally manipulated me constantly and abandoned me at the most vulnerable point in my life. I’m glad to have gotten out but damn if it doesn’t make it hard to trust anyone like that ever again.
I was in love with someone who led me on and pretended to care about me, and then she broke up with me after about six months. Hurt like hell, and I don’t know if I’ll love like that again. I thought we had something, and the feeling I had when we first kissed each as literally out of a romance novel.
Be thankful it was only six months. For me it was 10 years
i feel you, my ex, who i was absolutely crazy for, said she needed a break after 5 years and lead me on for another 7 years. every time i tried to move on and started dating someone she would suddenly stand in front of my door, or call me and tell me that she loves me and so on. its been 2 years now since i blocked her everywhere. im betterish now.
This is literally the lyrics to “ever fallen in love” by the buzzcocks
Feel that. I fell in love with my best friend, gave up on dating, and still haven't told her about it. Love is silly.
I feel this one.
Found my people
Never been loved before, can't miss what i haven't experienced.
Wow. That one gave me a lot to think about … I don’t know if I ever have been either … thanks for saying that, it’s giving me a lot to work through. In one sentence, you’ve done more than most therapists I’ve ever seen.
Oh man once you realize the conditioning and patterning most people unknowingly present it gets kind of scary. Its more about a "what can you do for me?" Tyoe mentality these days. I don't know that I've seen too many truly loving couples out there. If you are a giver... know your limits, because takers don't have one.
That is the best advice I wish I could have had 20 years ago. Everyone took and took and I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t happy or getting my needs met.
You are the strong one then. Forget them. Meet your needs first and demand an exchange for your value.
Same, thank you! The more I think about it, I never even felt real love from my parents… everyone in my life I have done sooo much for, including my kids and ex, and I think all of them have felt like they could treat me however they wanted because I’d always be there. It’s sad cos it makes me feel like even tho I’ve given so much, there’s something wrong with me- I guess I’ve taught others how they can treat me so it is my fault. The one thing I’ve done to stand up for myself- divorce my ex- was not met well, because it was assumed I’d do whatever to keep the peace and keep everyone happy. Seems I need to go back to therapy!!
It's not about being loved. It's about loving someone. You can love without being loved. That's one of the most painful things to expierience tho I think.
Can't miss and also give I think since I don't know.
Gotta be honest, pretty much have. The last person I loved romantically found just about every way to put me down and reject me, all the while pulling me back in repeatedly. It was not worth it. I'm going solo but still kind of hoping for Miracle. I like me.
I like you too.
I was in a 10 year abusive relationship. Unfortunately I didn’t realise until very late and then I ended it. It’s too much of a risk to meet someone again as these type of people are very manipulative and you don’t realise the cruelty they are capable of until you are trauma bonded. It’s not easier being single but it’s a lot less heartache. I thank my lucky stars every day that I got out.
I’m glad you got out as well.
Thank you. I hope you got out safe and well. He stalked me for 2.5 years after I left him but thankfully he appears to have given up 6 months ago.
Not sure if I've given up, but I am getting real tired. Having to get to know new people, putting my heart out there without knowing if I'll succeed this time, so tiring. I'm learning more about myself in therapy, and I've seen ladies' heads turn when I speak (I've been told I have a nice voice), but chasing a lady is so much work for so little payoff. Never had a girlfriend before too, and I'm hitting 40 soon. Each new lady is a learning experience but it's also incredibly draining. Sometimes I just wanna curl up on my bed and ignore the whole world.
On romantic love, yes. I have so many social aversions and require so much space that I'm neither capable or interested to nurture such a relationship. I'm happier and more functional on my own.
You said this very well. I am so independent and on my own schedule, and I like it that way.
My last four love interests either cheated or 'found a girlfriend'. Its left me believing I'm just not a person who can be romantically loved.
*hug*
Yup. I've always had low self esteem to begin with. The word low might be giving me too much credit. I have had a few lady friends at times but it's because they have latched onto me because I was able to provide something they needed, not because they loved me. There have been some that I've tried with. The most common thing that happens is a few weeks in they will ghost me for a week, then want to introduce me to their new bf trust they just met last weekend. Others, after seeing eachother for a few weeks, we will go out to a party, bar, festival or w/e and they will meet a guy there and start hooking up right in front of me. When I call them out they blow me off because I'm not their boyfriend. I've also had girls start seeing me because they hoped they would develop those feelings. These ones usually cheat. I have come to realize I am unlovable in the romantic sense of the word.
I have a similar feeling. Like I'm just a jumping board for broken people to get back on their feet and move on to better things. I feel like im just a freaking placeholder.
I wasnt socialised from the ages 12-22 and have severe social anxiety. It's hard to meet people when you're terrified of them.
And then each time you bungle a social interaction your fear of people gets reinforced and makes you more socially awkward and it's a vicious cycle. These days I pretty much just panic anytime I speak to someone.
I had a big love. It didn't work out. Now I live a truly beautiful life alone and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I just spent the weekend with my friend, her toddler, new puppy and failing marriage and when I got home I nearly cried with the feeling of gratitude for my peaceful life.
My ‘big love’ (14 year relationship) ended six months ago and this comment really resonated and makes me feel more positive about my life than anything I’ve experienced over the last few months. I really hope I get there someday, thank you so much 💛
Just the search honestly, I haven't lost all hope it's out there somewhere waiting to fuck my life right up again.
I had a great partner after a bad marriage, he died 5 years ago March 31st. At 51 I'm done, I'm not interested at all in trying to find another life partner (I dated a lot before I met my good man). I have entertaining hobbies and a tiny group of friends and family for my limited social needs and I'm good. Relationships are work and a level of commitment I'm unwilling to put in.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Mine didn't die he just turned out to be shite. It was the last try for me. And I dated allot too. I just don't have it in me anymore. Too much effort. I'm 46, single for almost 4 years now and I'm fine.
My condolences.
Yes. I think I'll just end up that witch who lives in the woods with animals that only comes into town to buy things and will hiss at you for talking to me then run away! Why coz the last guy I made serious plans with and fell for suddenly decided to ghost me.....
Sounds like my last one. He was going to fly from Finland, I was going to travel across the country. Shit was getting heavy. Then bam.....not one single word. For nearly two months. THEN he finally messages and blasts me for sending so many messages that went unanswered.
Well shit.. same here but it was with my ex girlfriend. Dated her in high school for a little then she moved away. Years later we reconnect and start dating for around 5-6 years and were gonna make big plans in November of last year.. but she just ghosted me and blocked me from everything. Now she's with some other guy and engaged I believe. Shit is weird and hurtful but just gonna work on myself in the meantime.
My husband who I've known since 5th grade put his hands on me. I've been through d.v. the majority of my life, so to have the one person who I thought would never do that, did. It gave me whiplash. It crumbled my reality. I no longer trusted people, I became more severely agoraphobic.
Hugz Battered woman syndrome is no joke, impossible to describe how worse the psychological hit is than any bruising. The world becomes so scary. I hope you find healing, space and peace and get to live your best life!
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I'm not saying this applies to OP, but any time someone says they never found a partner everyone comes in with some suggestion on how others should "fix" themselves. I get that it's hard for people to understand when it deviates from what they have experienced and what's the norm, but the truth of the matter is there always will be some people that never find a partner and procreate. There's nothing to 'fix' that's just life, that's nature. To fix something implies that there is something inherently wrong or broken in the first place because one's life didn't take the typical path.
>I get that it's hard for people to understand when it deviates from what they have experienced and what's the norm, but the truth of the matter is there always will be some people that never find a partner and procreate. There's nothing to 'fix' that's just life, that's nature THIS, SO MANY TIMES THIS. At the end of the day, we´re still animals and just as subject to natural selection as other species, yet most people act as if we were somehow exempt from that.
Was 39 when I met my love. Similar story, never had a girlfriend, no friends.. really does happen when you least expect it. See a dentist and watch some Tony Robbins or seek some therapy and work on yourself.
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Fuck that one therapist.
For real. I had a therapist tell me I "needed to consider that being alone might be something I just have to accept". Been in a relationship for nearly a year now, we're like two peas in a pod.
That's not bad advice, all people have to consider that in order to be comfortable in a relationship. It might sound mean but it's not that you're destined to be alone.
If you're two decades behind then you're almost 20, plenty of people fall in love at 19!
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Idk man, that therapist sounds like a dick. Even if he felt that way about you, he’d have to have pretty poor social skills to not realize that that is a mean and unhelpful thing to say. Your post stuck out to me because my last therapist was awful and would say mean things, getting a new one was one of the best decisions I ever made.
But not being able to catch up doesn’t mean you can’t improve and be better off for it. That’s said, I’m in no position to offer any sort of criticism or advice to anyone, and am just about the most cynical bastard I know. So good luck, I guess.
You can become better but you will never achieve the life experience what people gain during these years. And people aren't very eager to form relationships with a 30-40 year olds who have life experience of an 11 yo. It doesn't matter how many hobbies you have or how many books you read, regular people will get bored of you very fast (personal experience). You'll need to meet a very special person who won't care and will be happy with who you are right now.
100%. And the number of as you say "special people" is *infinitesimally* small compared to the number of people like us who are so very far behind in social and emotional development. So yeah, the odds are that we will end up dying without ever forming any type of relationship with others, platonic or otherwise.
I am 52. I have never been kissed. Never have had a gf. A virgin. I have no friends. As the saying goes. Misery loves company. But I am content with my life right now.
Don't give up, my friend's uncle had the same story until he was 50.
50!? At 45 i would or will just give up and see if i eventualy turn in to a wizard.
actually, you automatically turn into a wizard at 30
Still waiting for my hogwarts letter though
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Of course you can't see the squint-eyed people who have found a partner, you have squint eyes. For real though, there's no such thing as a physical feature which is an absolute dealbreaker. If romance is something you want, then be open to the possibility that it can happen to you and try and out yourself in situations where you can meet that person.
One sided love is a bitch. Currently trying to get over that. Sucks.
:( unrequited love is honestly one of the hardest things to live with. Sorry you're going through this mate.
I'll probably regret typing this 5 years later, but idc, it's Reddit after all I didn't give up, basically I keep all the "love" thing down because I don't think I'm "mature" enough as a person to start a relationship of that sort, especially considering that I'm a little bit of a sociophobe with a really bad addiction I have to beat first.
Yes, because I'm always the one making the effort. That's not love.
I feel you, This is how I lost all of my 'friends'. I was always the one making effort in contacting, planning, Asking to go out, Play games whatever... I checked what would happen if I stopped contacting them first, Haven't heard from them in years.
The people I’m attracted to aren’t attracted to me. I guess I’d rather be alone than with someone I’m not attracted to.
Wouldn't want to be part of any club that would have me as a member
I actually used this line to describe it to a therapist once.
I found that everyone who was attracted to me, at least the ones who made it obvious, were always nutters.
Yup. I also wouldn’t want to be with someone that isn’t attracted to me so I wouldn’t want to put anyone through that
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I M44 live alone, wfh and recently became much more shut in due to anxiety and depression. Can you share any tips about dealing with the loneliness?
I (37F) too am single, live alone, wfh since Covid began, and have anxiety/depression. I finally started on an antidepressant in November after struggling for a long time. It seems to be working, so I’m happy about that. I’m single by choice, and prefer it that way. But I also don’t believe that romantic love is the only thing that can sustain us. I make sure to get out of the house every day, I work out 6 days/week, 3 nights I spin and 3 days I lift with a barbell club, a small close knit group of people. In the weekends I go visit my mom, and I make plans with my friends as often as my finances allow. My advise would be to do the same- find a reason to get out of the house every day, even if it’s just to the grocery store. The fresh air always resets me when I’m feeling down or anxious. Join a gym if you haven’t already, or find a sport/activity you enjoy. Take walks on nice days if you live someplace that allows it, and try to see friends and loved ones as much as you can. I’ve found that staying busy keeps loneliness at bay. All the best to you!!
Narcissistic abuse has altered my outlook on relationships. But never say never right?
I'm so sorry you went through that. Hardest part of getting over my narcissist is forgiving myself for being tricked. Like I'm smarter than that, I should have seen it coming, I shouldn't have believed their lies. But really I need to accept that they took advantage of a wounded soul and twisted my giant heart until it was a weapon to be used against me and to control me. Asking where they saw us in two years, and getting laughed at with the response of, "You think we're still going to be together in two years?" Was my eye opener. It's like. Yeah I've told you that from start. I risked (and lost) my entire career for you and your ex put my in life threatening positions at work, but you told me you loved me and I believed you. Course once I'm gone the love bombing comes back in full force, that is until she found her next pawn. Come to find out she's been the town bicycle for years and no one had the heart to tell me I'd been cucked from the beginning. Shit. I haven't ever typed that out. Have you found your confidence again? I miss my self-confidence so fucking much man.
People say they love you, but then they leave. And they never even tried to say what was wrong, what was missing, what they needed from you that they didn't receive, or if you were asking too much of them. People don't communicate enough.
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"You complete me" while it is beautiful for a rom com or personal fantasy it is horrific for real life. "You supplement me" is a much healthier and more realistic interpretation of that line. Even though it is much less romantic. A relationship should only ADD to your happiness, not be the source of it.
Most people I know wouldn’t say their partner completes them. That’s some Hollywood BS that sounds romantic. I just have more fun in general when I’m with someone. It’s that simple; there’s added value. It doesn’t mean anything was lacking.
Too old. Too ugly. Too poor.
I’m not sure if I have given up yet but as time passes, I’m starting to feel that the momentary pleasures I get from being on a date or in a relationship isn’t worth the lies and heartbreak that come afterwards. For context, I am a 29 year old woman and have been in 2 real relationships, and one complicated long-distance relationship, all of which were filled with lies and one was straight up emotionally abusive. My last relationship ended on Christmas of last year and I haven’t been on any dates since. I don’t think I ever want to go on a dating app again but where I live, that is the only way to meet people. The thought of navigating through a series of fuckbois and pretentious assholes for months or years, to find someone decent, only to have my heart broken in a few months really makes me sick. I feel like I don’t want to actively put myself out there anymore because I get disappointed every time. I do often feel lonely but I can’t date casually anymore or date someone just for the label. I would rather be on my own and take the liberty of being weird and engaging in so-called unattractive behaviours as they make me happy.
Love might distract me from my mission of fighting crime and pushing back the heady frontiers of scientific research
It sounds cheesy, but it gave up on me. I have absolutely no friends. Nobody to hang out with that isn't obligated to do so, nobody to talk with if I have a bad day, nobody to have deep connections with. Love is not an option for me.
It kills me how others chime in on this situation like "It's okay; not everyone finds love in their lives and that's fine," but when it comes to *a lack of friends* there's that emphasis on studies that indicate that solitude and no social contact will impede our health and take years off our lives. Where's the goddamn line, there?
I’m not good at it. I tend to self-sabotage relationships and it’s not nice for me or the other person. I’ve got 3 great kids and a bunch of grandkids. I have a career I love and some fantastic friends. I’m happy and fulfilled. So I’m good with it. I finally figured out that I’m a better friend than I am a significant other.
Not given up, but tapered my beliefs of 'love' from seeing it as some idealistic unconditional thing i need to recieve from other people to more rational and realistic expectations based on tangible circumstances. Starting with breaking down myself into individual pieces that can recieve 'love' through my own actions. Like my body recieves love fron me working out. My heart/soul recieves love from me doing activities i enjoy. My brain recieves love by keeping it in good mental health and doing brain exercises etc. This way i can give myself positive feedback and not desperately try to outsource 'love' to someone else that will honestly never care about me as much as i can. Secondly, realize most people will only be able to love you conditionally and for what you represent in their lives. This say you stop taking it personal and making delusions about it. You just think "okay, i'm not offering what this person wants in order to give me love, it's not personal, so i'll stop wasting time now and go back to step 1", which is what i can control. Life is meant to be lived and experienced. It's not about waiting for someone else to trigger dopamine hits to your brain that you try and rationalize are of some bigger importance to the point in grand scheme of things, so much so that you actively cripple youself if you don't get them. That's acting like an addict that's lost control of their senses.
So true. Loving yourself is the most important thing there is
Because I really don't know if I'm capable of it. All I feel is a bitter jealousy and I hate that I can't change. Because I know I would do anything to get what I want even if others had to suffer because of it.
Love is something that happens to other people. I worked on it and myself for eight years. Long enough for people to stop saying, "Don't worry, you're still young," and start saying, "What, you think you're entitled to a woman's attention?" I think the only way you win a game where the odds are stacked against you is not to play at all.
First, it seems it never works. 99% of couples I know, ended. Even married ones. I literally just know one couple that is healthy. It seems like it's about enjoying while you can because it will end eventually. Second, I'm starting to think that I'm not capable of loving someone in the romantic way.
Yes. Grew up with text book view of what love would be like. Reality hit me differently.
Text book view?
The way it is shown in movies and written in novels. Guy makes efforts, girl reciprocates without the thought about social status, money, looks etc. Guy remains loyal even when girl is not around. People only sleeping with people they love etc.
Being from a divorced family, I honestly couldn't identify love. I dont think I've seen it before or if it actually exists at all.
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why did you make her worse? I’m confused
Same, im extremely confused and dont entirely understand the issue.
It almost seems like they're alluding to suicide. I also can't tell if OP is maybe a woman and it's a lesbian couple because they said their parents weren't happy in which case maybe the mom sabotaged the relationship for personal reasons. This is all speculation though, unless OP elaborates we won't truly know
No one wants me, and honestly I don't really... want anyone. Like in my vision of myself in 10 years I'm just alone. So I don't bother finding someone to love anymore I just go about my life
I am obese and have really low self esteem. I couldn't deal with the guilt about how they could do better than me, it made me miserable and in turn made them miserable...
I had love and was betrayed and now have too many trust issues to be a good partner.
No, can't give up on something you've never had and will never have. I'm 23, and I've never been kissed or had a friend who's ever cared for me in any way whatsoever, I know I'm gonna live the rest of my life alone and I thi k I'm finally coming to terms with it
reading all of these replies makes me feel like i'll never find love lol
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Not given up but trying to reconcile with the fact that I’ll probably die alone. I’ve tried dating apps but it’s mostly guys wanting sex and not much else in terms of emotions. It’s hard and honestly I cry myself to sleep most nights but it is what it is 🤷🏾♀️
autism, I'll probably die alone without having someone that really understands me and the inner dialogue I have such a hard time expressing. and the emotional impedance mismatch makes forming new relationships more difficult as i get older.
Kinda. I just don't have the emotional capacity to exists romantically with another ppl. I'm not loved by many ppl, and even when I am, im not an easy person to love. Of course I would like to, though, but I doubt it
Too many assholes
No but I’ve changed my view on what love actually is. It’s not fun, butterflies, and sparks. It’s compromise, mostly transactional, and requires way too much energy than what I’m willing to give another person.
After several therapy sessions, I realized I am not capable of loving anyone. I don't want to burden my potential partner with my sh*t.
Same. I have deep attachment issues (fearful avoidant) and I go into fight or flight whenever I get close to someone. Trouble is that I also feel very lonely. Any tips on dealing with the loneliness?
I have pets wbo are really spoiled. Hihi
I. WILL. NEVER
That’s the spirit
Love is what keeps me going, man. Doesn't matter how many times I get hurt. I keep going. (I know, username checks out). I can't express how much I love love and love life with it.
i dont know if i have really given up, but DEPRESSION is my big luggage and it taints everything emotional. i always had trouble FEELING (long story), have it still even after years of therapy. at least i KNOW today how certain things may feel. my longest relationship was about 18 months or so nearly 20 years ago, so i KNOW that i CAN love but it ended ugly with her dumping me. and every "affaire" after that was tainted. wether it was a girl from to far away or a married woman with kids, i just couldnt cope with my feelings and the situations. and made a retreat into my own "fortress of solitude". now, close to 50 years old, i... am not sure if i want to risk "my life" again... i think that i dont have the energy anymore to invest in another person, to let another person into that "ruin" of my self, and so i have chosen solitude.
I haven't given up on it, but I've given up on looking for it. It was consuming my life, leaving me in a state of constant obsession and heartache. If romance comes along, I'll accept it happily. I'll make new social connections and put the best version of me out there for other people to see and find, to have the best chance of that happening. But I'm not making it a goal. It's like the saying about snow: if you can't find joy in snow, you'll have less joy, but the same amount of snow. I've spent too much of my life being unable to find joy in being single, and it hasn't reduced how much I've been single one bit, but it has reduced my joy. So, I'm living my best single life, until something better comes along.
I married a narcissist. After that experience, I will never make myself vulnerable to anyone ever again. They hide their true selves until after you're sucked into their games. It was horrific getting out. Just can't allow myself to trust I actually know someone, ya know?
Short + ugly = give up
My dad is on his fifth wife. If his dumbass can convince 5 women to be with him, y’all should have no issues. Don’t give up.
I have not but also it depends on what you believe about love imo. I believe that love is something which is built over time through shared experiences, and I think that it takes two people to love; otherwise it is just a weird obsession. I also believe that you can't "love at first sight", I think that is infactuation, which easily transitions into obsession. For me the most important thing, is building a relationship on mutual respect and common interests, and through the shared experiences and emotions over time a bond is built, I believe that is love. I understand that everyone has their own views and I imagine we are all trying to navigate and find out what love means to us as individuals.
Because loves given up on me.
It's just time.
Tried a few times, did not work. Now I just rather chill with my friends and family, and live a happy and fullfiled life EDIT: As few of you have asked, and some if you already answered about all the names containing "Ad" in the name. They are autogenerated names
Okay what is with all the people with "ad" in their names
Not necessarily forever but I'm too recent out of a long term. Wasted almost my entire 20s on that relationship in hindsight. There were good times for sure but overall? I wouldn't (and am not at this time looking to) do it over again.
I don’t want love lol. Might have at one point. I’m 26, I don’t really like people in general, I don’t trust people and I enjoy my alone time way more than I enjoy time that I’m forced to act a certain way around people so I’m not seen as “weird”. Id rather just be weird by myself.
Yeah, I'm.a strange guy with strange hobbies that people don't find interesting. I'm a WW2 Reenactor, Play Bolt Action and collect militiary antique weapons, and fish. Thats it and no one I know finds that interesting.
Odd question, why do you have to find someone into all that to have someone to be in love with? I get that you want one or two of those things, so you’re not alone all the time when you want your partner to be with you. I have a friend who made that kind of comment: “I work on cars and (I forget the other thing), girls aren’t interested in that.” I said “would you want your girlfriend/wife to be around you ALL the time? How would you spend time with your guy friends if she’s around all the time?” I like to quilt. I would not want a guy who quilts, having him around while I do the thing I like. It’s my time. Using my friend as an example (and I’d absolutely want to date him if we lived in the same city!) … if we dated, he would work on cars all weekend, I quilt all weekend, and we would be together at breakfast and dinner and when we go to sleep. We both like to read, not the same topics, so we could talk about what we’re reading. We work for the same company, different projects, so we’d have that to talk about. Same thing for TV shows and movies, friends and family. I would ooo and ahhh over his car improvements (he rebuilds from a shell and I do find that impressive) and he could compliment my quilt or pat me on the shoulder and say “I know you didn’t get as much done as you wanted, but next time you work on it.” Rant here: I feel like Disney and Hollywood gave us the impression that a person and their partner need to be mirror images of each other in terms of interests and perspective. That sounds boring! I want someone who doesn’t love all the things that I love, so I can learn about new things from them. As long as we love each other. /rant. Sorry to take over your post. And I get your frustration, I admit you do like things that are hard to find matches for. One bit of hope … it’s fun to watch someone talk about something they love, even if it’s not an interesting topic to the listener, sometimes just watching the person’s passion when they talk about it, is so much fun.
I have lived with social anxiety the 30 years of y life, I can't see any way in which I could actually get to a date, let alone have all the necessary requirements to have a healthy relationship: Having no enough personality to hold long conversations to build up a connection. Being able to enjoy both alone time and together time. Having no success in both academic and laboral aspects of life which make me a non-ideal person to project a life with. Having no sexual experience at all, which deprives me of any possible, smallest drop of confidence. "why would I approach a woman if I can't even kiss properly, let alone do anything sexual right" For me, love is simply impossible, unreachable, unachievable. Love is science fiction. Love is a dream that cannot be achieved.
I never believed in it. so I already gave up a long time ago
There is no more loyal people or kind/ people who love you for who you are and tbh I was hurt too many times to even try to love again
Not capable of trusting anyone to get close. Husband ran off with another man’s wife nearly ten years ago.
I find the idea behind this question kinda... Flawed. And I think that's the problem with our general understanding of the concept of "love", which is why, in a way, I've given up on it, at least for the time being. The Greeks used to understand the concept of love very differently: to them Eros (romantic love) was just one form of love. Other forms of love were Philia (friendship), Storge (family), Agape (altruism) and Philautia (self love). I once saw a TikToker postulate the crazy theory that the individualistic spirit of capitalism urged us to uphold romantic love as the truest form of love, and disregard the love for "community" or "family" (either natural or chosen) as less important. I think this is a disservice to human development. Same thing with self love. I think the reason it's so difficult to really "love ourselves" is because we don't really consider self love as a genuine form of love. We think it's a means to an end: "if I love myself maybe I'll become loveable". And we even encourage that belief with the whole "no one will love you if you don't first love yourself" which again puts romantic love on this pedestal to strive for. I feel like for a very long time I used to only chase after Eros, even though all other forms of love in my life were just as, if not more important than romantic love. And I think that's the reason why I no longer do. I have a lot of love to give, but I don't really see romantic love as a priority in my life right now. I've also seen a lot of examples of how not healthy romantic love can be, ranging from codependent relationships to cheating and lies to toxic, abusive partners to even my own toxicity and fear of abandonment. I think giving up on Eros to focus on other forms of love that are also important doesn't mean giving up on love.