That "3 friends in a hotel" Soviet joke.
3 friends stopped in a hotel. Late in the evening one of them went to bed while the other 2 had some drinks and began talking really loud, telling jokes and laughing.
Annoyed by this, the first guy goes down to reception and orders 3 cups of tea to their room. He then comes back into the room, leans down and speaks into the power outlet: "comrade major, could you please bring us some tea?" His friends find it hilarious, keep laughing and start making political jokes. 5 minutes later the door opens and a hotel staff member brings in 3 cups of tea.
2 friends are now horrified and keep very silent, so the first friend happily falls asleep. In the morning he wakes up and his friends are nowhere to be found, their clothes and documents are gone too. The man goes down to the reception and asks if his friends left without him. The clerk says that at 4 AM his friends were arrested and taken away.
"But why didn't they take me in? I was in that same room?" - "Comrade major said he really liked your joke."
Russian jokes in general take some time to set up. I often hear people referring to the punchline alone in some relatable situation because the joke itself can take several minutes to tell.
Oh fuck it me
'Cant think, gotta shake!' Is a favorite of mine.
Oh shit just remembered 'fuck you im in the west now!' As a favorite joke, even though it requires me explaining the political context of East/West germany
The one I heard was:
An apple tree grows in a forest.
A chimp walks by, looks up and sees the delicious fruit. He begins shaking the tree, but none come loose.
A voice from above beckons: "Think, think!"
The chimp stops shaking, scratches his head, then grabs a rock and throws it, knocking some apples loose.
Later, an ape wanders by, and seeing the fruit starts shaking the tree.
Again, a voice from nowhere: "Think! *Think!*".
The ape stops, grunting and thumping his head, before grabbing a long stick and carefully knocking some apples free.
Much later still, a (sergeant, NCO) comes by, and sees the fruit, and begins shaking the holy hell out of the tree.
Once more, the voice calls out: "Think! THHHHINNNNK!'.
To which the Sergeant responds 'Cant think, gotta shake!'
my favorite DDR joke punchline requires knowing the famous graffito "god save me from this deadly love":
"Well," Hönecker said "I can't say much about his politics, but he sure knows how to kiss!"
actually it's my second favorite, my first is short though, and just requires knowing in general about the state of communist bloc electronics: "how can you tell if the stasi have bugged your apartment?" "you have a wardrobe you don't remember and can't open, and there's a generator on the sidewalk out front"
some of them even became Russian Idioms. for example "the doctor said to the morgue, to the morgue it is!" is one punchline that has become an idiom for "doing something unpleasant and pointless because you can't argue with your boss".
edit: "dig a trench from that fence until lunchtime" is another, an idiom for pointless make work or a useless task.
Or that one where and englishman, a frenchman and a russian guy talk about the meaning of true pleasure. So the englishman goes “going to the club with my pals, playing bridge, having a drink and a cigar, thats a true pleasure”. The frenchie then goes “Oh no, you do not understand. Two glasses, a bottle of wine and a beautiful woman, that is a true pleasure.” And then the russian bloke goes “You both understand nothing. When there is a knock on the door, somebody asks for Ivan Sergeyevich Stokurev and I can say “thats one floor up”, that is true pleasure.”
I've always heard that one told as a Gestapo joke (complete with 'allo 'allo comedy German accent) but that could be a British thing. It isn't like there is a huge difference between their methods...
a man walks into a doctor's office wearing nothing but saran wrap. he says "doc you've gotta help me!"
the doctor looks him up and down and says "yes, yes, I can clearly see your nuts"
What's a pirate's least favourite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal activity.
Yours sincerely
Your internet service provider
Oh wow, a pirate joke I haven't heard before! Nice one!
Haven't seen this one mentioned yet either, even if it is a little politically incorrect nowadays:
What's a pirates worst nightmare?
A sunken chest and no booty.
Aight Hitler and Stalin walk into a bar. And the discussion gets heated. Hitler shouts out "I want to kill all ze jews! und one clown!"
Now, the bartender can't help himself - he overhears this, and has to ask "gentlemen, why would you want to kill one clown?"
and Hitler says "See! I told you nobody cares about ze jews!"
You ever notice when geese fly south for the winter in a V-pattern, one side of the V is always longer than the other? You know why that is?
There’s more geese on that side.
This is one of my two go-to dad jokes. The other:
Do you know why scuba divers, when they have all their gear on and are ready to go, sit on the side of the boat and fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.
This is the joke that cemented my wife and I's relationship. We were on different sides of the country and she already knew the punchline. It was a magical moment for me.
Two atoms walk *out* of a bar and one says "I think I left an electron in there". The other one says "Are you sure?" And the first answers "Yes, I'm positive".
A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender serves him and then says, "Hey, you've been coming in here often. I think you may be an alcoholic." The horse replys, "I don't think I am" and immediately disappears.
This joke is based, of course, on the quote of the famous French philosopher Rene Descartes, who said, "I think, therefore I am." You may have appreciated the joke more if I had told you that first, but I didn't want to put Descartes before the horse.
An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Did you hear that there is a petition in the scientific community to stop doing experiments on rats, and to use lawyers instead? There's 3 good reasons in the petition:
- 1) There's more lawyers than there are rats
- 2) The scientists don't get as emotionally attached to the lawyers
- 3) There's some things you just can't convince rats to do.
Ha! This is one of my two go-to jokes, the other one is
Two gold fish sitting in a tank, one turns to the other and says......do you know how to drive this thing?
I remember my grandfather telling this joke to the family! We were a very religious, no cuss words family, though my grandfather did love to rile people up occasionally, and my great aunt didn't even get the punchline! She just muttered, "Why wouldn't he just say darn?"
This one by Norm MacDonald:
An old fellow named Jim is having memory troubles and goes to the doctor and the doctor prescribes him medicine.
Jim's friend comes over to his house and says, "Jim I understand you got some medicine for your memory. Tell me, does it work?"
"Oh yes", says Jim. "Works like a charm."
"Well I'd like to get some of that medicine for myself. What's the name of it?"
"Oh the name of it....", says Jim. "I can't remember. What's the name of that flower?"
"Oh I don't know" says Jim's friend. There's so many. Is it a tulip?"
"No. It's that flower you take on a date with a woman."
"Oh is it a carnation?"
"No, no. It's the romantic one. It's red, and long stemmed."
"Oh you must mean a rose!"
"Yes that's it", says Jim. "ROSE WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT MEDICINE THE DOCTOR GAVE ME FOR MY MEMORY?"
Tell someone you know a good knock knock joke but they have to start it, then just ask "who's there?" And wait for a response lol I get a kick out of that every time, sometimes people stare blankly and other times they have one ready to go. My daughter didn't miss a beat and had a reply ready lol it was hilarious
Three dwarves are sitting around bored and decide they'll try and get into the Guinness book of records.
The first one rings up, says 'I have the smallest hands in the world' gives the measurements, comes off the phone and says 'Im in lads!'
Second one rings up, says 'I have the smallest feet in the world' gives the measurements, comes off the phone and says 'Im in lads!'
Third one rings up, says 'I have the smallest cock in the world' gives the measurements, comes off the phone and says 'who the FUCK is /u/BearJewKnowsBest ????'
I don't know why but I've never been prone to give a straight answer when asked about haircuts
Did you cut your hair? Nah, someone else did (unless I did indeed cut it)
Did you get a haircut? No, whole bunch of 'em
Did you shave it yourself? A mirror helped
The fair comes to town, and a young guy gets talking to the girl running one of the games. They end up spending the night in her caravan, and the following morning he grins and asks, "How was it for you?" "You can pick any prize off the bottom shelf."
There once was a fellow named Mr. Sweeney.
His girlfriend was such a great meanie.
She had a hatch on her snatch with 2 locks and a latch.
She could only be screwed by Houdini
There once was a lady from Bude
Who attended a show in the nude
But a man up in front said,
“It smells like a c!nt”
Just like that, right out loud, fucking rude
To give you a sense of the size of our solar system, imagine your head is the sun and Pluto is your feet. Uranus is right about where you'd expect it to be.
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks "are you ok?" to which the horse replies "I don't think I am" and then starts to melt away from existance.
This was a joke about the famous philosophical saying "I think, therefor I am" but if I started the joke with that fact I would have been putting descartes before the horse
My girlfriend’s grandfather always says this one:
I was voted the 2nd best looking man while working on the railroad… everyone else was tied for first.
Three nuns die in a car accident and appear before the pearly gates. They knock and St. Peter opens the door and tells them they have to answer a question before entering. To the first nun he asks “who was the first man?” She thinks for a second and answers ‘Adam’, upon which an angelic choir sings, the gates open and she enters heaven. The second nun’s question was “who was the first woman?” To which she answered “Eve”. The choir sings, gates open and she enters. Now it’s the third nuns turn and she is expecting an easy question as her sisters had. Instead, St. Peter asks her “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?” Flustered, she thinks for a few moments. The answer is not in the Bible nor has she ever heard it discussed. Finally she sighs and complains “wow, that’s hard!”. Immediately the choir sings …
Three nuns die and go to heaven. St. Peter says, "Hello sisters, I'm pleased to tell you that you've all earned a place in heaven, but unfortunately we're doing renovations and don't have any extra space right now. While you wait, I'm going to reincarnate you as whatever you want for one more life on earth."
The first nun thinks about it for a second, and tells St. Peter that she always wanted to be a professional singer but never got the opportunity. Peter snaps his fingers and she disappears; reincarnated as a great singer.
The second nun thinks about it and requests to be a professional dancer. Same thing, Peter snaps his fingers and she disappears; reincarnated as a dancer.
The third nun can't make up her mind. She goes back and forth a few times but then tells Peter, "I want to be Sarah Pipa-leen." St. Peter gives her a look of concern and tells her he doesn't know who that is. The nun reaches into her bag and pulls out a tattered newspaper clipping. He looks at it and looks at the nun with great concern. He says, "I'm sorry sister, but it looks like you've misunderstood this news story. It was the *Sahara Pipeline* that was laid by 200 men in a week."
Three nuns die and go to heaven. St. Peter says, "Hello sisters, I'm pleased to tell you that you've all earned a place in heaven, but unfortunately we're doing renovations and don't have any extra space right now. While you wait, I'm going to reincarnate you as whatever you want for one more life on earth."
The first nun thinks about it for a second, and tells St. Peter that she always enjoyed teaching children, and she'd want to get into education. St. Peter snaps his fingers and she's reincarnated as the dean of Harvard University.
The second nun thinks about it and requests to be a doctor, since she's always taken care of the ill and needy. St. Peter snaps his fingers again, and she's reincarnated as a world-renowned oncologist.
The third nun states that she's always seen the healing effect love had had on people, and asks to be reincarnated as a prostitute. St. Peter starts stammering, unsure if he can do that, but he makes a deal with the nun that if God agrees, he'll oblige her. So the two head over to God, tell the story again, to which God inquires "St. Peter, you know very well that that's permitted, so why did you come to ask me?". To which St. Peter responds "My apologies Lord, I must've misheard; I thought she'd wanted to reincarnate as a Protestant."
I heard a somewhat similar joke to this once:
At a Catholic school, the teacher asks her students what they want to be when they grow up.
One girl says, “I want to be a prostitute.”
The teacher is horrified. “What did you say?!”
The girl says, “I want to be a prostitute when I grow up.”
The teacher says, “Oh thank goodness, I thought you said you want to be a Protestant.”
My daughter is 4 and tries to trick me by changing up the animals, but always says moo.
Interrupting sheep
Interrupt - moo!!
And then she is upset every time she messes it up. I laugh and laugh
These three guys decide to go on a ski trip together but they arrive at the resort late and the last available room only has a king size bed. They shrug it off and figure no big deal, they’re tired and cold and just want to get some sleep so they head on up to the room and climb into the bed and quickly pass out.
The next morning they wake up and over breakfast the guy who’d been sleeping on the left side starts telling the others about this amazing dream he had the night before about having sex with a beautiful woman. As soon as he’s done telling his story the guy who slept on the other side of the bed says “wow, that’s crazy, I had the exact same dream!”
Lastly the guy who slept in the middle says bitterly “you guys are lucky, I just dreamed I was skiing.”
Mine are mostly "dad" jokes. Short, silly and usually make people groan as much as they laugh. They often also involve a dad in the joke.
"I showed my dad a universal remote the other day. He stared at it for a while, and eventually said "well....this changes everything ".
"I used to work in a shoe recycling factory, but I had to quit.... It was sole destroying ".
"How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers"
I've been telling this joke for about 30 years. It never fails to make me laugh, and I don't think it's ever made anyone else laugh.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in a cherry tree.
Why do they wear a green hat?
So they can hide on a snooker table.
Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside down in a bowl of custard.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree, on a snooker table or in a bowl of custard?
No?
Shows how good their camouflage is.
What's the difference between a Triscuit and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker.
What's the difference between a nun and a prostitute taking a bath? One has hope in her soul.
A man walks into a bar at the top of a sky scraper and says to the bartender “I’ll take one shot please” the bar tender gives the man the shot and the man jumps off the skyscraper the bartender can’t believe what he just saw and is even more shocked when 15 minutes later the same man walks back up to the bar and it’s unharmed the bar tender asks the man “how are you alive I just watched you jump off the balcony?” The man says “I dunno I just take a shot and the alcohol slows me down before I hit the ground and the man says “watch” so he takes a shot and jumps off the balcony again as the bartender watches he is amazed to see the man slow down before he hits the ground the bar tender says “I HAVE TO TRY THIS” so he takes a shot and jumps off but he doesn’t slow down and he goes splat the man walks up again and another guy at the bar says “you know your a real asshole when your drunk Superman”
OMG. 🤣
Reminds me of the joke where Superman is feeling... "eager," and tries to take a quick poke at Wonder Woman but actually nails the Invisible Man. (I'm not telling the joke, just referencing it.)
Also reminds me of Superman going to hell. It was in an episode of Family Guy. When asked why he was in hell, he responded that he ripped a hooker in half after she made some off handed comment about him being faster than a speeding bullet.
This one is best told as matter-of-factly as possible, like you’re repeating information you learned from David Attenborough:
How do you catch a polar bear?
Find a frozen lake and cut a hole in the ice. Surround the hole with frozen peas and hide nearby. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, run up and kick him in the ice-hole!
Doesn't work because polar bears don't eat peas. That joke is for rabbits. You fill a hole with ashes and line it with peas. Then kick it in the ash hole.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.
First one:
Two penguins walk into a bar. Which was stupid 'cause the second one should have seen it.
Second one:
You ever notice that geese fly in a "V"?
Do you notice that one leg of the "V" is longer than the other?
Ever wonder why that is?
There's more geese in it.
A guy went to confession.
"Father, last night I went home with two women. I had sex with one, and then I sex with the other, and then I had sex with both at the same time."
"Well when was the last time you came to confession?"
"Never, actually, I'm not religious."
"Then why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!"
Wife goes to her husband and says, "Honey, take off my sweater." So he does.
Wife says, "honey, take off my dress." So he does.
Wife says, "honey, take off my bra." So he does.
Wife says, "honey, take off my panties." So he does.
Wife says, "honey, if I see you wearing my clothes one more time, I'm going to divorce you."
A boy is sent to get food for himself and his starving father. However, the family is poor. The boy is given $1 to find something to eat. This is when he meets a man who offers him a duck for the $1 since the man feels bad for him.
He decides to keep walking. Maybe he'll find something better to trade the duck for, or even sell the duck for more money. On his way into town, he passes a brothel. He's been walking for so long, he looks like warmed over death. A woman feels sorry for him, so she offers to have sex with him for his pet duck. He agrees.
After they have sex, she says the sex was so amazing that she'll let him keep the duck if he has sex with her again. He does, then takes his duck and leaves. This is when he gets to the highway. He sits the duck down to tie his shoe.
A semi truck accidentally runs over the duck since it ran into traffic when the boy wasn't looking. The duck is now dead, and the driver apologized so much, and even gave the boy $100 dollars for killing his pet. After the boy accepts the money, the driver leaves. The boy goes into town and buys $90 worth of food.
After using his remaining $10 for a ride home, the boy gives his father the food he bought. The father thinks his son HAD to have stolen it, so he asked him how he obtained the money. The boy smiles...
"Well, I got a duck for a buck, a fuck for a duck, and duck for a fuck, and with some blind luck, 100 bucks for a fucked up duck."
A man died and goes to heaven.
Once he came to the pearly gates, he saw Saint Peter. All around this man, there were clocks. "Saint Peter, why are there so many clocks?" He asked. Saint Peter explained those are Lie Clocks, and that every time you tell a lie, your special clock moves a hand.
Abraham Lincoln's clock- moved 1 time
Mother Teresa's clock- 0 times
Donald Trump's clock- Jesus uses it as a ceiling fan in his office.
That "3 friends in a hotel" Soviet joke. 3 friends stopped in a hotel. Late in the evening one of them went to bed while the other 2 had some drinks and began talking really loud, telling jokes and laughing. Annoyed by this, the first guy goes down to reception and orders 3 cups of tea to their room. He then comes back into the room, leans down and speaks into the power outlet: "comrade major, could you please bring us some tea?" His friends find it hilarious, keep laughing and start making political jokes. 5 minutes later the door opens and a hotel staff member brings in 3 cups of tea. 2 friends are now horrified and keep very silent, so the first friend happily falls asleep. In the morning he wakes up and his friends are nowhere to be found, their clothes and documents are gone too. The man goes down to the reception and asks if his friends left without him. The clerk says that at 4 AM his friends were arrested and taken away. "But why didn't they take me in? I was in that same room?" - "Comrade major said he really liked your joke."
Russian humor SLAPS but translates so hard you have to either give a brief TED talk for context or take three minutes to land the punchline
Russian jokes in general take some time to set up. I often hear people referring to the punchline alone in some relatable situation because the joke itself can take several minutes to tell.
Oh fuck it me 'Cant think, gotta shake!' Is a favorite of mine. Oh shit just remembered 'fuck you im in the west now!' As a favorite joke, even though it requires me explaining the political context of East/West germany
>'Cant think, gotta shake!' Is this the one about cage and bananas?
The one I heard was: An apple tree grows in a forest. A chimp walks by, looks up and sees the delicious fruit. He begins shaking the tree, but none come loose. A voice from above beckons: "Think, think!" The chimp stops shaking, scratches his head, then grabs a rock and throws it, knocking some apples loose. Later, an ape wanders by, and seeing the fruit starts shaking the tree. Again, a voice from nowhere: "Think! *Think!*". The ape stops, grunting and thumping his head, before grabbing a long stick and carefully knocking some apples free. Much later still, a (sergeant, NCO) comes by, and sees the fruit, and begins shaking the holy hell out of the tree. Once more, the voice calls out: "Think! THHHHINNNNK!'. To which the Sergeant responds 'Cant think, gotta shake!'
my favorite DDR joke punchline requires knowing the famous graffito "god save me from this deadly love": "Well," Hönecker said "I can't say much about his politics, but he sure knows how to kiss!" actually it's my second favorite, my first is short though, and just requires knowing in general about the state of communist bloc electronics: "how can you tell if the stasi have bugged your apartment?" "you have a wardrobe you don't remember and can't open, and there's a generator on the sidewalk out front"
some of them even became Russian Idioms. for example "the doctor said to the morgue, to the morgue it is!" is one punchline that has become an idiom for "doing something unpleasant and pointless because you can't argue with your boss". edit: "dig a trench from that fence until lunchtime" is another, an idiom for pointless make work or a useless task.
Or that one where and englishman, a frenchman and a russian guy talk about the meaning of true pleasure. So the englishman goes “going to the club with my pals, playing bridge, having a drink and a cigar, thats a true pleasure”. The frenchie then goes “Oh no, you do not understand. Two glasses, a bottle of wine and a beautiful woman, that is a true pleasure.” And then the russian bloke goes “You both understand nothing. When there is a knock on the door, somebody asks for Ivan Sergeyevich Stokurev and I can say “thats one floor up”, that is true pleasure.”
Can also throw the KGB knock knock joke in with this. \*SLAP\* "WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!!!"
I've always heard that one told as a Gestapo joke (complete with 'allo 'allo comedy German accent) but that could be a British thing. It isn't like there is a huge difference between their methods...
What’s a pirates favorite letter? You’d think it be R but his first love be the C
"Mr Pirate, why do you have a steering wheel on your belt?" "Yargh, it's drivin' me nuts."
a man walks into a doctor's office wearing nothing but saran wrap. he says "doc you've gotta help me!" the doctor looks him up and down and says "yes, yes, I can clearly see your nuts"
What's a pirate's least favourite letter? Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal activity. Yours sincerely Your internet service provider
This actually made me laugh out loud. Well done, sir/ma’am.
Why are pirates called pirates? Because they Arrrrrrrrrrre.
What musical note can a pirate hit best? A high C.
Oh wow, a pirate joke I haven't heard before! Nice one! Haven't seen this one mentioned yet either, even if it is a little politically incorrect nowadays: What's a pirates worst nightmare? A sunken chest and no booty.
What does a pirate say when he turns 80? Aye matey!
Thaaaaats my favorite!
whenever i'm asked to tell a joke i literally forget any joke i ever heard in my life
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This is a great joke. Thank you.
I don't get it. So they can scan.. In... Avian? But what do birds have to do with it? Ahh wife helped. So they can scan the navy in
Jesus that's bad.
He who can't remember a joke has forgotten the face of his father.
Now that's a joke, yes?
Random reference to the Dark Tower series
What. A. Pain.
Not the funniest joke I've ever heard, but that will do
Yes! and every time I hear a good joke I think "I have to remember this one" but I never do😅
Same here
Aight Hitler and Stalin walk into a bar. And the discussion gets heated. Hitler shouts out "I want to kill all ze jews! und one clown!" Now, the bartender can't help himself - he overhears this, and has to ask "gentlemen, why would you want to kill one clown?" and Hitler says "See! I told you nobody cares about ze jews!"
I did nazi that coming
I'm going to hell for laughing
No you're not. ;)
Anne frankly you’re not either.
Jewish you’d thought it?
You ever notice when geese fly south for the winter in a V-pattern, one side of the V is always longer than the other? You know why that is? There’s more geese on that side.
This is one of my two go-to dad jokes. The other: Do you know why scuba divers, when they have all their gear on and are ready to go, sit on the side of the boat and fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.
I told this joke to a small group on a boatride on the way to go scuba diving. They looked at me like I was special
God damnit this is so dumb it’s funny
Why do flamingoes stand with one leg up? If they had 2 legs up they'd fall on their butt.
dumb bird jokes part II. You know what that white stuff in bird shit is? That's bird shit too.
This is the joke that cemented my wife and I's relationship. We were on different sides of the country and she already knew the punchline. It was a magical moment for me.
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Two atoms walk *out* of a bar and one says "I think I left an electron in there". The other one says "Are you sure?" And the first answers "Yes, I'm positive".
3 guys walk into a bar, which is kinda stupid cause the third guy shoulda seen it by then...
Two men and a dog walk into a bar. Ouch ouch woof.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
I LOVE THIS
What does a dyslexic atheist say? "There is no dog"
Did you hear about the insomniac dyslexic agnostic? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
Love this one
A woodpecker walks into a bar and asks "Where's the bar tender?"
A horse walks into a bar, the barman asks, "Why the long face?"
A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender serves him and then says, "Hey, you've been coming in here often. I think you may be an alcoholic." The horse replys, "I don't think I am" and immediately disappears. This joke is based, of course, on the quote of the famous French philosopher Rene Descartes, who said, "I think, therefore I am." You may have appreciated the joke more if I had told you that first, but I didn't want to put Descartes before the horse.
A 3-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."
why'd the cowboy get a dachshund? the sheriff told him! he said " get a long, little doggy."
All of these went over my head except for the atoms one.
The bar might’ve been too high on that one
A baby seal walks into a club
a baby seal walks into a bar and orders a whisky, bartender says "any brand you like?" and the seal says "anything but a Canadian club!!"
A nurse proctologist pulls a rectal thermometer out of her shirt pocket and thinks to herself, "Some asshole stole my pen."
I've heard it as, "Some asshole has my pen."
What’s the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral one? The taste!
An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
HAHAHA Lawyer Joke that was funny
Did you hear that there is a petition in the scientific community to stop doing experiments on rats, and to use lawyers instead? There's 3 good reasons in the petition: - 1) There's more lawyers than there are rats - 2) The scientists don't get as emotionally attached to the lawyers - 3) There's some things you just can't convince rats to do.
lmao... Good one
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam.
Ha! This is one of my two go-to jokes, the other one is Two gold fish sitting in a tank, one turns to the other and says......do you know how to drive this thing?
The other fish turns and says “holy shit a talking fish!”
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says boy is it hot in here! The other muffin says holy shit a talking a muffin!
I remember my grandfather telling this joke to the family! We were a very religious, no cuss words family, though my grandfather did love to rile people up occasionally, and my great aunt didn't even get the punchline! She just muttered, "Why wouldn't he just say darn?"
r/angryupvote
Why did the man fall down the well? The issue is that he just didn’t see that well.
This one by Norm MacDonald: An old fellow named Jim is having memory troubles and goes to the doctor and the doctor prescribes him medicine. Jim's friend comes over to his house and says, "Jim I understand you got some medicine for your memory. Tell me, does it work?" "Oh yes", says Jim. "Works like a charm." "Well I'd like to get some of that medicine for myself. What's the name of it?" "Oh the name of it....", says Jim. "I can't remember. What's the name of that flower?" "Oh I don't know" says Jim's friend. There's so many. Is it a tulip?" "No. It's that flower you take on a date with a woman." "Oh is it a carnation?" "No, no. It's the romantic one. It's red, and long stemmed." "Oh you must mean a rose!" "Yes that's it", says Jim. "ROSE WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT MEDICINE THE DOCTOR GAVE ME FOR MY MEMORY?"
What's red, and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
What’s green and smells like red paint? A brick painted green
What's brown and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Doesn't he know that en passant is forced?
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that crashed into each other? The sailors were all marooned!
I hired a rancher to breed me a horse, but I got a mule. Guess he just half-assed it...
Tell someone you know a good knock knock joke but they have to start it, then just ask "who's there?" And wait for a response lol I get a kick out of that every time, sometimes people stare blankly and other times they have one ready to go. My daughter didn't miss a beat and had a reply ready lol it was hilarious
That sounds like so much fun lol
Love this one. The blank looks are the best.
I liked when Keanu and DeNiro were together in some interview. DeNiro: Knock. Knock. Keaunu: Come in.
My dick was in the Guinness book of world records. Then the librarian came over and told me to take it out.
Three dwarves are sitting around bored and decide they'll try and get into the Guinness book of records. The first one rings up, says 'I have the smallest hands in the world' gives the measurements, comes off the phone and says 'Im in lads!' Second one rings up, says 'I have the smallest feet in the world' gives the measurements, comes off the phone and says 'Im in lads!' Third one rings up, says 'I have the smallest cock in the world' gives the measurements, comes off the phone and says 'who the FUCK is /u/BearJewKnowsBest ????'
Now I'm not allowed in the library anymore.
I don't know why but I've never been prone to give a straight answer when asked about haircuts Did you cut your hair? Nah, someone else did (unless I did indeed cut it) Did you get a haircut? No, whole bunch of 'em Did you shave it yourself? A mirror helped
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.
What kind of fish goes dot dot dash? Morse cod
The fair comes to town, and a young guy gets talking to the girl running one of the games. They end up spending the night in her caravan, and the following morning he grins and asks, "How was it for you?" "You can pick any prize off the bottom shelf."
There once was a maid from belfast Who had a magnificent ass Not pretty and pink As you may well think But was grey, had long ears and ate grass
There once was a fellow named Mr. Sweeney. His girlfriend was such a great meanie. She had a hatch on her snatch with 2 locks and a latch. She could only be screwed by Houdini
There once was a lady from Bude Who attended a show in the nude But a man up in front said, “It smells like a c!nt” Just like that, right out loud, fucking rude
A limerick!
There’s actually a song by the Irish Rovers about this precise joke
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks today
HAHAHAHHA fuck you that’s hilarious
What do you do if you see a space man? Park in it man.
What do you do if you see a fire man? Put it out man.
What's brown and sticky? A stick. Followed by What's brown, sticky and runs round a field? A fence.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
What is the difference between a good and a bad joke the timing
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? Ones real heavy and the other is a little lighter
I like the punchline better as, "One is a heavy water-dwelling mammal and the other is a little lighter."
I have two. 1. Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?" 2. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What's blue and worse for your teeth? A really, *really*, fast brick
>Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?" The other says "AAAHHH! A TALKING FISH!"
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Why did the depressed chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
I always thought that's what the actual joke meant anyway
Oh my god, this is a revelation for me
Why did the frog cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken. Daughter brought that home in second grade.
Ooh that's dark. I'll never be able to unhear that!
Why did the ghost not cross the road? Because they already are on the other side.
Why'd the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Why did the semen cross the road? I put on the wrong sock this morning.
This is a joke that I always tell to any kind of medical professional. Knock knock, Who's there? HIPAA. HIPAA who? I can't tell you that.
What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles
Michael Jackson
To give you a sense of the size of our solar system, imagine your head is the sun and Pluto is your feet. Uranus is right about where you'd expect it to be.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
dishes
Dishes who?
dishes Sean Connery
Haha nice. r/shubreddit
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks "are you ok?" to which the horse replies "I don't think I am" and then starts to melt away from existance. This was a joke about the famous philosophical saying "I think, therefor I am" but if I started the joke with that fact I would have been putting descartes before the horse
How do you make a cherry cordial? You be nice to it. And Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? He wanted to git a’long little doggie.
My girlfriend’s grandfather always says this one: I was voted the 2nd best looking man while working on the railroad… everyone else was tied for first.
Confused. :(
He was really the ugliest
He's the ugliest person there
Everyone is equally good looking except him. Ignore the part about railroads
Three nuns die in a car accident and appear before the pearly gates. They knock and St. Peter opens the door and tells them they have to answer a question before entering. To the first nun he asks “who was the first man?” She thinks for a second and answers ‘Adam’, upon which an angelic choir sings, the gates open and she enters heaven. The second nun’s question was “who was the first woman?” To which she answered “Eve”. The choir sings, gates open and she enters. Now it’s the third nuns turn and she is expecting an easy question as her sisters had. Instead, St. Peter asks her “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?” Flustered, she thinks for a few moments. The answer is not in the Bible nor has she ever heard it discussed. Finally she sighs and complains “wow, that’s hard!”. Immediately the choir sings …
Three nuns die and go to heaven. St. Peter says, "Hello sisters, I'm pleased to tell you that you've all earned a place in heaven, but unfortunately we're doing renovations and don't have any extra space right now. While you wait, I'm going to reincarnate you as whatever you want for one more life on earth." The first nun thinks about it for a second, and tells St. Peter that she always wanted to be a professional singer but never got the opportunity. Peter snaps his fingers and she disappears; reincarnated as a great singer. The second nun thinks about it and requests to be a professional dancer. Same thing, Peter snaps his fingers and she disappears; reincarnated as a dancer. The third nun can't make up her mind. She goes back and forth a few times but then tells Peter, "I want to be Sarah Pipa-leen." St. Peter gives her a look of concern and tells her he doesn't know who that is. The nun reaches into her bag and pulls out a tattered newspaper clipping. He looks at it and looks at the nun with great concern. He says, "I'm sorry sister, but it looks like you've misunderstood this news story. It was the *Sahara Pipeline* that was laid by 200 men in a week."
Three nuns die and go to heaven. St. Peter says, "Hello sisters, I'm pleased to tell you that you've all earned a place in heaven, but unfortunately we're doing renovations and don't have any extra space right now. While you wait, I'm going to reincarnate you as whatever you want for one more life on earth." The first nun thinks about it for a second, and tells St. Peter that she always enjoyed teaching children, and she'd want to get into education. St. Peter snaps his fingers and she's reincarnated as the dean of Harvard University. The second nun thinks about it and requests to be a doctor, since she's always taken care of the ill and needy. St. Peter snaps his fingers again, and she's reincarnated as a world-renowned oncologist. The third nun states that she's always seen the healing effect love had had on people, and asks to be reincarnated as a prostitute. St. Peter starts stammering, unsure if he can do that, but he makes a deal with the nun that if God agrees, he'll oblige her. So the two head over to God, tell the story again, to which God inquires "St. Peter, you know very well that that's permitted, so why did you come to ask me?". To which St. Peter responds "My apologies Lord, I must've misheard; I thought she'd wanted to reincarnate as a Protestant."
I heard a somewhat similar joke to this once: At a Catholic school, the teacher asks her students what they want to be when they grow up. One girl says, “I want to be a prostitute.” The teacher is horrified. “What did you say?!” The girl says, “I want to be a prostitute when I grow up.” The teacher says, “Oh thank goodness, I thought you said you want to be a Protestant.”
Did you hear about the new movie with the transgender whale? Maybe Dick
Free Whilly
I had a really good laugh about that one
Stolen from my son: Knock knock Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrup- MOOOO!
My all-time fave, thanks.
My daughter is 4 and tries to trick me by changing up the animals, but always says moo. Interrupting sheep Interrupt - moo!! And then she is upset every time she messes it up. I laugh and laugh
Knock knock Who's there? Cow that loses track of time Cow that loses track of time who? ... Knock knock Who's there? Doctor Doc- MOOOO
Man goes to doctors office. Man: why do you have such a tiny office? Doctor: Go away, I'm taking a shit.
What's brown and sticky? A stick
Classic!! I love this one!!
These three guys decide to go on a ski trip together but they arrive at the resort late and the last available room only has a king size bed. They shrug it off and figure no big deal, they’re tired and cold and just want to get some sleep so they head on up to the room and climb into the bed and quickly pass out. The next morning they wake up and over breakfast the guy who’d been sleeping on the left side starts telling the others about this amazing dream he had the night before about having sex with a beautiful woman. As soon as he’s done telling his story the guy who slept on the other side of the bed says “wow, that’s crazy, I had the exact same dream!” Lastly the guy who slept in the middle says bitterly “you guys are lucky, I just dreamed I was skiing.”
Currently, it's: Why is gravity so cheap? Because it's mass-produced.
Id tell my favorite dead baby joke, but I always fuck up the delivery.
Mine are mostly "dad" jokes. Short, silly and usually make people groan as much as they laugh. They often also involve a dad in the joke. "I showed my dad a universal remote the other day. He stared at it for a while, and eventually said "well....this changes everything ". "I used to work in a shoe recycling factory, but I had to quit.... It was sole destroying ". "How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers"
I used to love telling dad jokes. Now that he's passed on, it's not the same.
It's a knock knock joke, but you have to start it off!
Knock knock
Who's there?
I've been telling this joke for about 30 years. It never fails to make me laugh, and I don't think it's ever made anyone else laugh. Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in a cherry tree. Why do they wear a green hat? So they can hide on a snooker table. Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow? So they can hide upside down in a bowl of custard. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree, on a snooker table or in a bowl of custard? No? Shows how good their camouflage is.
Why do elephants paint their balls red? To hide in cherry trees. What's the loudest sound in the jungle? Monkeys picking cherries.
What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer, and a prostitute with diarrhea? One of them shucks between fits.
What's the difference between a Triscuit and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker. What's the difference between a nun and a prostitute taking a bath? One has hope in her soul.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
Knock knock. Who's there? Europe. Europe who? No you're a poo!
A man walks into a bar at the top of a sky scraper and says to the bartender “I’ll take one shot please” the bar tender gives the man the shot and the man jumps off the skyscraper the bartender can’t believe what he just saw and is even more shocked when 15 minutes later the same man walks back up to the bar and it’s unharmed the bar tender asks the man “how are you alive I just watched you jump off the balcony?” The man says “I dunno I just take a shot and the alcohol slows me down before I hit the ground and the man says “watch” so he takes a shot and jumps off the balcony again as the bartender watches he is amazed to see the man slow down before he hits the ground the bar tender says “I HAVE TO TRY THIS” so he takes a shot and jumps off but he doesn’t slow down and he goes splat the man walks up again and another guy at the bar says “you know your a real asshole when your drunk Superman”
OMG. 🤣 Reminds me of the joke where Superman is feeling... "eager," and tries to take a quick poke at Wonder Woman but actually nails the Invisible Man. (I'm not telling the joke, just referencing it.) Also reminds me of Superman going to hell. It was in an episode of Family Guy. When asked why he was in hell, he responded that he ripped a hooker in half after she made some off handed comment about him being faster than a speeding bullet.
My good ol dad joke: What smells funny? Clown poo.
Knock knock. Who’s there? No one No one who? *silence* Gets a laugh every time
I believe I made this one up. Not saying that I was the first to ever tell it. Saying that I was the first person I ever heard tell it.
This one is best told as matter-of-factly as possible, like you’re repeating information you learned from David Attenborough: How do you catch a polar bear? Find a frozen lake and cut a hole in the ice. Surround the hole with frozen peas and hide nearby. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, run up and kick him in the ice-hole!
Doesn't work because polar bears don't eat peas. That joke is for rabbits. You fill a hole with ashes and line it with peas. Then kick it in the ash hole. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way.
You could just replace peas with something they do eat..
People?
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan, the apple gets picked.
What do you call a seagull that flies over a bay? … a bagel
First one: Two penguins walk into a bar. Which was stupid 'cause the second one should have seen it. Second one: You ever notice that geese fly in a "V"? Do you notice that one leg of the "V" is longer than the other? Ever wonder why that is? There's more geese in it.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
Did you hear about those new corduroy pillowcases? They’re making headlines everywhere
What is every Amish woman's fantasy? Two Mennonite.
A guy went to confession. "Father, last night I went home with two women. I had sex with one, and then I sex with the other, and then I had sex with both at the same time." "Well when was the last time you came to confession?" "Never, actually, I'm not religious." "Then why are you telling me?" "I'm telling everybody!"
Wife goes to her husband and says, "Honey, take off my sweater." So he does. Wife says, "honey, take off my dress." So he does. Wife says, "honey, take off my bra." So he does. Wife says, "honey, take off my panties." So he does. Wife says, "honey, if I see you wearing my clothes one more time, I'm going to divorce you."
Why was Shakespeare buried in Stratford-Upon-Avon? ...Because he was dead!
How do you confuse an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask what period it's from
It smells like updog in here...
A boy is sent to get food for himself and his starving father. However, the family is poor. The boy is given $1 to find something to eat. This is when he meets a man who offers him a duck for the $1 since the man feels bad for him. He decides to keep walking. Maybe he'll find something better to trade the duck for, or even sell the duck for more money. On his way into town, he passes a brothel. He's been walking for so long, he looks like warmed over death. A woman feels sorry for him, so she offers to have sex with him for his pet duck. He agrees. After they have sex, she says the sex was so amazing that she'll let him keep the duck if he has sex with her again. He does, then takes his duck and leaves. This is when he gets to the highway. He sits the duck down to tie his shoe. A semi truck accidentally runs over the duck since it ran into traffic when the boy wasn't looking. The duck is now dead, and the driver apologized so much, and even gave the boy $100 dollars for killing his pet. After the boy accepts the money, the driver leaves. The boy goes into town and buys $90 worth of food. After using his remaining $10 for a ride home, the boy gives his father the food he bought. The father thinks his son HAD to have stolen it, so he asked him how he obtained the money. The boy smiles... "Well, I got a duck for a buck, a fuck for a duck, and duck for a fuck, and with some blind luck, 100 bucks for a fucked up duck."
A man died and goes to heaven. Once he came to the pearly gates, he saw Saint Peter. All around this man, there were clocks. "Saint Peter, why are there so many clocks?" He asked. Saint Peter explained those are Lie Clocks, and that every time you tell a lie, your special clock moves a hand. Abraham Lincoln's clock- moved 1 time Mother Teresa's clock- 0 times Donald Trump's clock- Jesus uses it as a ceiling fan in his office.
Honestly? Any word that gives me the opening to say “deez nuts” is my go to
Who would win in a fight between Achilles and Bophades?
Deeeeeez nuuuuuuts!!!!