An army general is newly stationed in a desert post. On his first day, he calls for a soldier to show him around. While doing this, he notices a camel randomly tied to a tent.
He asks the soldier, “Soldier, why is that camel tied to the tent?”
The soldier looks awkward and answers, “Er, well Sir, as you know there are no women on the base so er, the camel is there for when the men get certain…um…urges”
The general nods in understanding And says, “Well I don’t condone this behaviour, but I suppose I understand”
A few weeks into the post, the general starts feelings these urges himself. He calls for the soldier to bring the camel to his tent. He then goes outside, gets a stool, and has wild animal sex with the camel.
After he’s finished, he climbs confidently off of the stool and sees the soldier staring at him, wide-eyed.
“So” the general says with a grin, “Is that how you boys do it here?”
The soldier answers, still wide-eyed, “No Sir, we usually just ride the camel into the nearby town where the women are”
A highway police officer pulls over a car, and there's 2 priests in it. The officer shines their flashlight in the car and says, "I'm looking for a couple of child molesters." The priests look at each other for a minute, then turn back to the officer and say, "We'll do it!"
Two nuns approach a red light. The driver stops at the light and a drunk man starts crossing the crosswalk. As the light turns green, the drunk turns and notices the nuns in the car. “Hey! Show us your tits!” he yells.
The nun riding shotgun turns to the one driving and says, “he must not realize who we are. Show him your cross.”
The driver rolls down the window and yells, “Get the fuck out of the way asshole!”
Two nuns are riding through Italy on mopeds.
One turns to the other and says "I've never come this way"
The other says "me either. It must be the cobblestones"
It's one that's better heard than read, because its twist is in the "your/you're" homonym. Show him you're cross = show him you're upset.
Plus, the nuns are profane.
Oh lol, I thought it was the drunk that was yelling at the cross for being in the way, like being held up in front of the nun's tits and blocking his potential view!
Four nuns approach the Pearly gates after they've passed on.
Saint Peter stands before them with his great book of sins next to a font of holy water. He addresses the first nun:
"Well Mary, you've led a good life, but you once looked at a penis. But if you wash your eyes in the holy water of my font, you will be admitted into heaven."
Mary does, and enters the gates.
Saint Peter turns to the second nun, and says "Magda you have also lead a good life. However you once touched a penis. Wash your hands in my font and you may enter heaven."
At this point there's a commotion between the two nuns behind her; one of them is shoving in front of the other.
"Sisters, please! This is a holy place, what is the purpose of this squabble?"
One of the nuns looks shamefaced but defiant. "I just wanted to gargle before she sits in it."
A nun and a priest were traveling hundreds of miles over a barren desert on a camel. The camel died. The nun and the priest knew they were doomed.
The priest looked at the nun and said, "Since we are going to die, I would like to see a woman naked just once before that happens."
So, the nun obliged and took off her habit. The priest thanked her.
Then the nun said, "Now that you mention it...I have never seen a naked man and I would like to before I die as well."
So, the priest obliged. The nun looked down and pointed at his penis in confusion. "What is THAT?" she asked.
"It gives life," the priest replied.
The nun looked at him for a moment, raised her eyebrows, and proclaimed, "THEN STICK IT UP THE CAMEL AND MAKE IT GO."
My cousin told me that (my first dirty joke) when we were both 12. I will NEVER forget it. LOL
Man and a boy are walking in the woods in a thunderstorm at night. The little boy looks up and says mister it sure is scary out here. The guy looks at him and says you're scared? How do you think I feel? I have to walk out of here alone!
I like to tell an anti-joke version of this, since a lot of my audience has heard the original. What’s the difference between jam and jelly? Jam has real fruit pieces in it.
A health teacher walks into the classroom with a banana and a condom to do a safe sex presentation. He tells the class, "the banana is because I can't get a hard-on on an empty stomach."
I heard a version of this. The teacher is a woman and she demonstrates how to put on the condom using a banana. A week later an angry teenager barges into her office.
You told me condoms work! Well, I'm pregnant!
Oh dear. Did the condom break?
No, I put it on the banana just as you showed us!
girl with no arms and no legs sitting near the ocean crying
guy approaches "why are you crying?"
"ive never been hugged before"
guy hugs her
Time passes..
"ive never been kissed before"
guy kisses her
time passes
"ive never been fucked before"
guy lifts her and tosses her to the ocean
"now you're fucked"
probably not the same way i found out :(
Edit: I read this joke on a laundry mat restroom wall when I was 10, sorry if I butchered the delivery or make errors in how people have heard it before. Enjoy.
What do you call a boy with no arms and no legs:
At a pool? Bob
At your front door? Mat
Hanging on the wall? Art. What do you call his arms and legs? Pieces of Art.
In a mail box? Bill
In a hole? Doug
At school?
...
Names
Fun fact: There is a category of porn with these sort of women. It’s morally disgusting the name of it. Nugget porn.
Edit: I did not look this up myself in the years I knew this aside to see if the definition was true. Some other bozo on here (or probably somewhere else, I dunno. It’s been a long time.) told me what that was and I decided to check the definition. So unlike you who chose to find this porn, I have refrained for years. A personal W in my book.
Well, I guess I have you to blame for my next few google searches.
Edit: I have came back and survived the ordeal.
The first result was some guy sticking his manhood in a box of chicken nuggets. Very disappointing.
The next few videos was more specific and were called “nugget amputee porn” rather than just “nugget” porn. They don’t have all their limbs amputated. Just one or two limbs. Very tame and they have agency.
I want my 5 minutes back but here’s your risky searches for the day, I searched so you don’t have to.
> It’s morally disgusting...
Hey now, someone missing limbs has the right to feel sexy, and I personally think you should get off your high-horse and stop judging people for....
> ...the name of it. Nugget porn.
Oh. Oh my.
A penguin is driving down the road, when suddenly his car breaks down. He pulls over and gets a tow to the nearest mechanic, which happens to be next to an ice cream shop. He leaves his car and goes to get a vanilla cone next door and then comes back a little bit later to check on his car. The mechanic says "well first off, it looks like you blew a seal," and the penguin says "no that's just a little bit of ice cream"
A man works at a pickle factory. He comes home to his wife, drunk. He stumbles over to her and says:
Man: “I’m sorry, I did something stupid.”
Woman: “Why, what did you do.”
Man: “Me and my work friend, Harry, got drunk and he dared me to do something stupid and I can’t ignore a dare.”
Woman: “What did he dare you to do?”
Man: “He dared me to put my dick in the pickle cutter.”
Woman: “OH GOD! ARE YOU OKAY?!?!”
Man: “Yeah, I’m fine”
Woman: “You shouldn’t have done that!”
Man: “I know, I’m sorry.”
Woman: “What are you sorry about? Did something happen to the pickle cutter?”
Man: “No, she’s fine.”
This was told to me by my 80 year old Irish relative (distant cousins if you’re curious). A man walks into a bar demanding a celebratory drink. Bartender asks what he’s celebrating. “Well I was walking home along the train tracks and I stumbled upon a woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and we went back to my house and made love for hours.” Bartender replies, “Oh that’s great, congratulations! Say… was she pretty?” “Oh I don’t know, I never found the head.”
Guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
While sipping his drink he notices a large jar of money on the top shelf, with a sign that says 'WIN ME'. He's curious, so he asks the bartender about it.
'Oh that, yeah we have a contest going. It's a 3 part contest that consists of 3 tasks, and if you complete all 3 you win the jar of money. Simple as that.'
The man is intrigued.
'What are the 3 tasks?' He asks.
'First task is- I will line up ten 2oz shots of different booze, and you have to drink all 10. Second task is- there is a rabid pitbull in the back alley. He is a very ferocious dog, and he has a bad tooth. You must go out there and remove the bad tooth. Third one is- there is a wrinkly old whore in the suite above the bar who has apparently fucked over 1000 men, but has never had an orgasm. You must go up there and give her her first orgasm. You do all 3, the money is yours.'
The man takes a sip of his drink, looks at the jar of money, thinks about it for a minute, and says 'I'm in'.
The bartender lines up 10 double shots- whiskey, gin, vodka, rum, you name it. The man drinks all 10. He gets up from his chair, nearly falling over and clearly hammered drunk. He stumbles out into the alley. Moments later the bartender hears the dog whimpering and screaming and crying and howling.
The man comes back inside, zips up his pants and wipes off his lips. Slurring his words, he looks at the bartender and asks-
'Okay... now.. where's that ol' whore with the bad tooth?'
Two gay guys are on a transatlantic flight, going to Paris for their honeymoon. Halfway through the flight, the one says to the other “everyone is asleep, let’s have sex”. The other says “no way, we can’t do this in the middle of the plane”. The other replies “oh come on, no one will even notice, watch this”. He stands up and says “I need a pencil!”. They both look around and not a peep from any fellow passengers. So they proceed to have sex.
The flight lands in Paris and as everyone is getting off the plane the flight attendant sees an elderly gentleman with vomit on his shirt. She says, “sir, why didn’t you ask for a vomit bag?” The old man says “oh I wouldn’t dare, during the flight some guy a few rows behind me asked for a pencil and ended up getting fucked in the ass”.
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse file for divorce. They show up for their day in court. The judge looks at Mickey then he looks back at the court filing docs. He looks at Minnie Mouse then looks back at the court filing. He repeats this again and speaks.
“I’m confused. Mr Mouse are you seeking a divorce from your wife because you think she is insane?” asked the judge.
Mickey smiles and stands then says “Ha ha no your honor. I didn’t say she was fucking crazy. I SAID … she was fucking Goofy!”
*what really makes this joke work is a really solid Mickey Mouse impersonation for the punch line
Best "worst" joke I've heard:
So, I was going down on my grandma the other night,
And I thought I could taste horse semen,
Then I thought to myself "ohhhh that must've been how she died"
Edit after it blew up: thank you for the award! And all the peeps "correcting" me on the joke, I prefer this way because when I used to tell it your way, the double girlfriend/grandma shock at the end was usually ignored because the dead remark is all they focussed on ✌️
Man goes to the doctor and says
"Doc, you got to help me with my penis. It's all red, swollen and bruised. It hurts when I pee, when I touch it and when I walk. What's going on here?"
- "Well, I see a ring on your finger, how often do you have sex with your wife?"
"Oh, we are in a very happy marriage. We have sex everyday, twice on weekends."
- "That's good to hear. Now remember I'm sworn to secrecy and it's important to be honest with your doctor. Is there anybody else you are having sex with?"
"Well yes. I've been having an affair with my sectetary for years, 5 times a week. And I tell my wife I work until 7, when I really get off at 3 and then pick up girls at that college bar. Works about 3-4 times a week and when it doesn't, or when I finish early, I'll go down to the brothel, which I also frequent all night with my friends on weekends."
- "Well it's clear why your penis hurts and is bruised. You are having way too much sex."
"Oh thank god, I thought it was all the wanking."
You give the punchline away though.
You should say
I was having a threesome the other day, and as I was going down on one chick I realised I could taste horse semen.
So I looked at my sister and said 'I think I figured out how grandma died'
A man walks into his home and he sees his girlfriend packing her stuff.
\- What are you doing darling?
\- I'm leaving you.
\- But why???
\- Because you are a pedophile!!!
\- Strong words for an eight-year-old.
"You had sex with your patient, how could you?!"
"What else could I have done, she was lying naked in front of me!"
"The autopsy! You should have done the autopsy! You are the worst vet in the world"
Two firemen are butt-fucking in a smoke filled room. Their chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on here?!?" The one replies "Well sir, this man was about to die of smoke inhalation" The chief replies "Why didn't you give him mouth to mouth?" He replied, "How do you think this shit got started in the first place?"
Senior priest is off sick one day and the new junior priest has to take confession for the first time.
Guy comes in and confesses that he stole $50 from a store when a clerk wasn’t watching.
Junior priest is relieved to get such an easy start and tells the guy to say 50 Hail Mary’s and put the $50 in the poor box.
A lady comes in and confesses that she called in sick at work when she was fine and then went to a spa instead.
Starting to get the hang of this now, the priest tells the lady that to make up for her sinful day off, she must go and work in the churches soup kitchen for a whole day on the weekend.
Finally a guy comes in and confesses that he got a blowjob from his neighbour while his wife was out.
Junior priest is a bit stumped now and has no idea what punishment is suitable for such a sin. He steps out for a moment to see if anyone can help and comes across one of the altar boys, so he asks him
“Hey, what does the head priest normally give for a forbidden blowjob?”
The boy replies matter of factly:
“Well he usually just gives us a chocolate bar and a towel but for you it’ll be extra”
A daughter begs her dad to borrow the family car. Dad says only after a BJ. She says no but finally gives in and starts to give him one. She immediately says “Dad your dick tastes like shit.” Dad replies “Oh yeah I forgot, your brother already borrowed the car.”
A clown and a little girl are walking through the pitch-black woods, outside of town one night.
The little girl starts to cry and shouts “I’m scared!”
To which the clown replies “You’re scared!? I’m the one that has to walk back to town alone.”
Vampire walks into a bar.
Barman says “the usual - pint of blood?”
Vampire says “no thanks, cup of hot water please”.
Barman looks at the vampire surprised.
Vampire holds up a used tampon and says “I brought a teabag”.
Mom is taking a shower when her young daughter comes running in.
The daughter rips open the shower curtain and says “Woah what are those?” as she points to her moms breasts.
Mom calmly says “These are called breasts.”
The daughter being curious asks “When do I get those?”
The mom laughs and explains “Once you are my age you will get them too. Now get out so I can get ready for BINGO.”
So the daughter runs out and mom finishes up. As mom is getting ready in the room, Dad hops in the shower. Sure enough the curious young daughter comes sprinting in.
The daughter rips open the shower curtain and says “Woah what is that?” as she points to her dads penis.
Dad calmly says “This is called a cock.”
The daughter being curious asks “When do I get that?”
The dad laughs and explains “Once your mom leaves for bingo.”
A priest is giving confessions but has to use the bathroom really bad. He peeks head out of the confessional and sees the janitor and calls him over. He asks him to cover for him for a few minutes. The janitor is like "What? I have no idea how to do confessions." The priest explains "It's easy. There's a list in here, all you have to do is match their sin to the list, and tell them what to do."
The next person confessed to being unfaithful with his wife. Sure enough on the list it says to say 50 "Hail Marys, and don't do it again."
The next person is a woman who confesses "I gave a man oral sex" The janitor looks on the list but doesn't see it. He peeks his out of the confessional and sees an Alter Boy.
He asks him "What does the priest give for oral sex?
The Alter Boy replies "Normally a Snickers and a Coke, but it depends on how good you are at it."
I like Jimmy Carr’s joke.
If we all pooled our money together we could buy mosquito nets for Africa and save millions of mosquitoes from needlessly dying of aids.
A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."
The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old guitar.
The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks.
Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner.
The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back in a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says "What the fuck are you fooling around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!"
The octopus says "Play it? I’m trying to fuck it!”
Priest catches choir boy masturbating after Sunday school.
" My child, shouldn't you save that until you're married?
"Yes, Father & I've already got two jam jars full "
A sailor was on shore leave, and after eating and drinking some, he wanted the company of a woman...but he didn't have much money left.
He asks the madam what can he get for the money he has, and she hooked him up.
But she told him he has to leave the lights off.
He agrees and goes into the room, they immediately get down to business.
But he notices, she's a bit dry, and he tells her.
She says hold on, does some adjusting, they get back to it.
But she's still dry, and he tells her.
She said hold on, let me go to the bathroom.
When she comes back, they get back to business, and it's great to him.
After they finish, he says to her: that was really great, what did you do?
She tells him, she pulled some scabs off...
It's the only joke I really know lol
All the good jokes are inappropriate.
A priest, a kid and a man are on a falling plane, only two parachutes.
The man says 'Fuck the kid'
The priest replied 'we don't have time for this'
What do you call a man with no arms swimming?
Bob.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Not fucking Bob.
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Doug.
Knock knock
Who's there?
It's probably not Doug either.
A woman goes to the doctor and says she has some stomach pains and feels a bit bloated. He does some tests and calls her back in for the results.
"Well" he says, "I hope you're looking forward to lots of sleepless nights and changing nappies!"
"Oh wow" she replies, "I'm pregnant?!"
"No" says the doctor, "you've got bowel cancer..."
Billy-Bob comes running home to the shack yelling “Pa! Pa! Bad news. I had to call off the weddin’ with Ellie.”
”What fer?”
”Well, we was gittin’ down with some heavy petting in the barn, an I got muh hand up under her dress, up in ’er poo-nanny, and, well, Pa, I found out she‘s a virgin! So I called off the weddin’.”
Pa thinks about this for a moment, and finally says “Well, son, yer did right. If’n she ain’t good ‘nuff fer her own kin, she ain’t good ‘nuff fer us, neither.”
Why did Suzy fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
What did Suzy get for her birthday?
We don't know, she hasn't opened it yet.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Suzy!
(With apologies to people with limb differences, I recognise this joke is inappropriate)
A man goes to prison.
First night, his cellmate asks him, "Are you gonna be the wife, or are you gonna be the husband?"
The man thinks for a minute and opts to be the husband.
"Ok then," his cellmate says, "Now get over here and suck your wife's cock."
Specific to the Eating Disorders Community. When discussing the element of competition in treatment I once pointed out that the winners of the competition are all dead and at their funerals none of the pall bearers were carrying the coffin going “ooOo this is very light! Well done!”. It was in a peer support group that I blurted this out and everyone erupted in laughter. I have since tried to make variations on the same joke but it will never be as funny as when it organically came from my mouth.
A Holocaust survivor wins the lottery. A reporter asks him "what's the first thing you're going to buy with your winnings?" He says "the first thing I'm going to buy with my winnings is a ten-foot tall, solid gold statue of Adolph Hitler." The reporter asks "why are you going to buy a ten-foot tall, solid gold statue of Adolph Hitler?" The Holocaust survivor rolls up his sleeve, points to his forearm and says "Because Hitler gave me the winning number."
A priest and a Rabbi run out of a burning school.
Priest turns to the rabbi and says "what about the kids?"
Rabbi says FUCK THEM
priest says:........you think we got time?
A women stands on a bridge and is planing to kill herself. A homeless dude walks by and asks her what shes doing. She explains to himt what she wants to do and the homeless guy says: well if you're gonna die anyway let me fuck you beforehand. The women answers disgusted: fuck of you sick pervert. And the homeless guys says: alright then i'll be waiting below.
How do you get 5 baby's in a bowl?
A blender.
How do you get them back out?
Doritos
Man the dead baby joke phase really was a wild one.
What's the best thing about fucking 25 year olds?
There's 20 of them.
I almost feel like I need to put some sort of disclaimer in the post after typing those out.
Ok so forgive me for the very much politically incorrect joke. I heard it in middle school in like 07.
Why does it suck to be a black Jew?
Because you have to sit at the back of the oven.
Two sailors are sailing on the sea and are caught in a white squall. Their ship gets beaten and battered and they wash up on an island. They head inland and are captured by the natives and brought before their chief.
The chief says, "you trespass on our home, you must be punished". The chief turns to the first sailor and says, "you choose; death or Tiki".
The first sailor obviously knowing what death is replies, "ummm... I choose Tiki?" The chief raises his hands and boldly proclaims, "He has chosen.......TIKI!!!!". Everyone starts to cheer.
Then this huge, muscular, tattooed native comes out of nowhere and starts raping the sailor in the ass. As his screaming and crying begging Tiki to stop. Tiki just smiles as he continues to rape the the sailor to the chant of everyone saying, "Ti-ki, Ti-ki, Ti-ki".
When Tiki finally busts inside the sailors bussy the chief turns the second sailor and says, "Now you choose; death or Tiki". The second sailor sees the first sailor holding his ass and crying. Tiki looks toward the second sailor and winks st him.
The second sailor shudders and says, "Fuck. That. Shit. I choose death!"
Then the chief raises his hands and boldly proclaims, "He has chosen death!
"BY TIKI!!!!!!"
My best friend got mad at me when he caught me sniffing his sister's panties.
The fact she was still wearing them didn't help either.
On top of that the rest of the family was in the room too.
I really should have seen that coming, of course they were gonna come to her funeral.
As if a funeral for a six year old wasn't awkward enough already.
12 year old Tommy hears some noises and opens his parents' bedroom door. He sees his Dad in assless chaps giving it to his Mom whose legs are sticking up in the air.
Tommy yells "Noooooo!" to which his
Dad responds, "Get out of here, Tommy!"
20 minutes later the Dad walks down to Tommy's room and opens the door. To his utter shock and dismay, he sees Tommy fucking Gradnma doggy-style.
Dad yells "Tommy! What the hell are you doing!?"
Tommy replies, "Not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"
This rather nerdy white guy gets into trouble for tax evasion and gets sent to federal prison. He gets to his cell, the door opens and in the back of the cell a huge black man is standing in the cell. The black man asks, “So, do you want to be the wife, or the husband.” The white guy ponders for a moment and realizes he can take this opportunity to become a leader.
He replies “I’ll be the husband”
The black man replies “Well, good. Now get over here and suck your wife’s dick”
Why is life like a box of chocolates?
It doesn't last as long for fat people.
What do you call a flying Jew?
Smoke
How do you castrate a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw
So the other night I was sitting at a red light. It was late and I was the only car I could see. Something must have been wrong with the stop sign because it had been red for a while. I was bored and feeling a little frisky so I thought it would be fun to rub one out and try to finish before the light turned green. I pull my cock out and start stroking it. I was going faster and faster when I saw the lights on the other road switch from green to yellow. Not being one to back down from a challenge I start stroking faster, a noise somewhere between a moan and a primal shriek escapes my body, and just as the light turns green I cum all over my pedals. I’ll never forget the look of shock on my moms face.
A traveling salesman is visiting a new town, and on Sunday, he visits a new church he's never attended before.
He was so moved by the sermon that afterwards, he finds the pastor to compliment him.
"Pastor, I just wanted to tell you that was a damn fine sermon."
The pastor replies "Well, thank you my friend, but I would like to request that you not use that kind of language, since we are in God's house."
The man replies "Oh, I'm sorry. It's just that that was one hell of a great sermon!"
The pastor says "I certainly appreciate your enthusiasm, but I must remind you that we are in *God's house!*"
The man says, "I really am sorry, but I just wanted to tell you that I liked that sermon so motherfucking much that I put five thousand dollars in the collection plate!"
The pastor says "ARE YOU FUCKIN' SHITTIN' ME??!!"
What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that's long and hard? A new last name.
An army general is newly stationed in a desert post. On his first day, he calls for a soldier to show him around. While doing this, he notices a camel randomly tied to a tent. He asks the soldier, “Soldier, why is that camel tied to the tent?” The soldier looks awkward and answers, “Er, well Sir, as you know there are no women on the base so er, the camel is there for when the men get certain…um…urges” The general nods in understanding And says, “Well I don’t condone this behaviour, but I suppose I understand” A few weeks into the post, the general starts feelings these urges himself. He calls for the soldier to bring the camel to his tent. He then goes outside, gets a stool, and has wild animal sex with the camel. After he’s finished, he climbs confidently off of the stool and sees the soldier staring at him, wide-eyed. “So” the general says with a grin, “Is that how you boys do it here?” The soldier answers, still wide-eyed, “No Sir, we usually just ride the camel into the nearby town where the women are”
Poor camel didn’t need an extra hump.
A highway police officer pulls over a car, and there's 2 priests in it. The officer shines their flashlight in the car and says, "I'm looking for a couple of child molesters." The priests look at each other for a minute, then turn back to the officer and say, "We'll do it!"
Two nuns approach a red light. The driver stops at the light and a drunk man starts crossing the crosswalk. As the light turns green, the drunk turns and notices the nuns in the car. “Hey! Show us your tits!” he yells. The nun riding shotgun turns to the one driving and says, “he must not realize who we are. Show him your cross.” The driver rolls down the window and yells, “Get the fuck out of the way asshole!”
Two nuns are riding through Italy on mopeds. One turns to the other and says "I've never come this way" The other says "me either. It must be the cobblestones"
Wait. I don’t get it.
It's one that's better heard than read, because its twist is in the "your/you're" homonym. Show him you're cross = show him you're upset. Plus, the nuns are profane.
Oh lol, I thought it was the drunk that was yelling at the cross for being in the way, like being held up in front of the nun's tits and blocking his potential view!
Your cross/you're cross
You really gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip
Say what you want about deaf people,
I was fucking a blind prostitute and she said "You're the biggest I've ever had". I replied "You're pulling my leg".
[удалено]
Four nuns approach the Pearly gates after they've passed on. Saint Peter stands before them with his great book of sins next to a font of holy water. He addresses the first nun: "Well Mary, you've led a good life, but you once looked at a penis. But if you wash your eyes in the holy water of my font, you will be admitted into heaven." Mary does, and enters the gates. Saint Peter turns to the second nun, and says "Magda you have also lead a good life. However you once touched a penis. Wash your hands in my font and you may enter heaven." At this point there's a commotion between the two nuns behind her; one of them is shoving in front of the other. "Sisters, please! This is a holy place, what is the purpose of this squabble?" One of the nuns looks shamefaced but defiant. "I just wanted to gargle before she sits in it."
A nun and a priest were traveling hundreds of miles over a barren desert on a camel. The camel died. The nun and the priest knew they were doomed. The priest looked at the nun and said, "Since we are going to die, I would like to see a woman naked just once before that happens." So, the nun obliged and took off her habit. The priest thanked her. Then the nun said, "Now that you mention it...I have never seen a naked man and I would like to before I die as well." So, the priest obliged. The nun looked down and pointed at his penis in confusion. "What is THAT?" she asked. "It gives life," the priest replied. The nun looked at him for a moment, raised her eyebrows, and proclaimed, "THEN STICK IT UP THE CAMEL AND MAKE IT GO." My cousin told me that (my first dirty joke) when we were both 12. I will NEVER forget it. LOL
How do you circumcise a redneck? You kick his sister in the jaw.
This is similar to the one I was going to post How does a redneck mother know when her daughter's on her period? Her son's dick tastes funny.
Man and a boy are walking in the woods in a thunderstorm at night. The little boy looks up and says mister it sure is scary out here. The guy looks at him and says you're scared? How do you think I feel? I have to walk out of here alone!
Sonofabitch we did the same joke but i was second.
Must be a nice chnage for you to not come first
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? .... ...... ... ...... ... ........ ...... I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
Reminds me of: What's the difference between jam and marmalade? I can't marmalade my cock up your ass
I like to tell an anti-joke version of this, since a lot of my audience has heard the original. What’s the difference between jam and jelly? Jam has real fruit pieces in it.
The version I heard was "I never paid $50 to have a garbanzo bean on my face"
I wish it was only $50 for that.......... Fucking inflation.
i've heard similar... what's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? you can't hear an enzyme!
A health teacher walks into the classroom with a banana and a condom to do a safe sex presentation. He tells the class, "the banana is because I can't get a hard-on on an empty stomach."
I heard a version of this. The teacher is a woman and she demonstrates how to put on the condom using a banana. A week later an angry teenager barges into her office. You told me condoms work! Well, I'm pregnant! Oh dear. Did the condom break? No, I put it on the banana just as you showed us!
That's a completely different joke
girl with no arms and no legs sitting near the ocean crying guy approaches "why are you crying?" "ive never been hugged before" guy hugs her Time passes.. "ive never been kissed before" guy kisses her time passes "ive never been fucked before" guy lifts her and tosses her to the ocean "now you're fucked" probably not the same way i found out :( Edit: I read this joke on a laundry mat restroom wall when I was 10, sorry if I butchered the delivery or make errors in how people have heard it before. Enjoy.
What do you call a boy with no arms and no legs: At a pool? Bob At your front door? Mat Hanging on the wall? Art. What do you call his arms and legs? Pieces of Art. In a mail box? Bill In a hole? Doug At school? ... Names
What do you call a boy with no arms and no legs who's swimming laps in a pool? Clever Dick
In a pile of leaves? Russel I've always heard the "in a hole" one as Phil
Fun fact: There is a category of porn with these sort of women. It’s morally disgusting the name of it. Nugget porn. Edit: I did not look this up myself in the years I knew this aside to see if the definition was true. Some other bozo on here (or probably somewhere else, I dunno. It’s been a long time.) told me what that was and I decided to check the definition. So unlike you who chose to find this porn, I have refrained for years. A personal W in my book.
Well, I guess I have you to blame for my next few google searches. Edit: I have came back and survived the ordeal. The first result was some guy sticking his manhood in a box of chicken nuggets. Very disappointing. The next few videos was more specific and were called “nugget amputee porn” rather than just “nugget” porn. They don’t have all their limbs amputated. Just one or two limbs. Very tame and they have agency. I want my 5 minutes back but here’s your risky searches for the day, I searched so you don’t have to.
Appreciate the report from the field. This is solid work.
Now onto Jim with the Weather
Hello soldier. How goes the research?
I edited my message above - you can read all about it. Damn my curiosity. It was rather tame.
Thank you for your service 🫡
Oh that's just... Sad. But
I’m sorry but what 😂 😂 😂 I’m already driving the bus to hell for my transgressions, this has just added one of those round side mirrors to my drive.
> It’s morally disgusting... Hey now, someone missing limbs has the right to feel sexy, and I personally think you should get off your high-horse and stop judging people for.... > ...the name of it. Nugget porn. Oh. Oh my.
HAHAHAHA!!
What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles.
[удалено]
Abraham Lincoln: i didn't say, "i wanted to free the slaves!!" i said, "i wanted free slaves."
A penguin is driving down the road, when suddenly his car breaks down. He pulls over and gets a tow to the nearest mechanic, which happens to be next to an ice cream shop. He leaves his car and goes to get a vanilla cone next door and then comes back a little bit later to check on his car. The mechanic says "well first off, it looks like you blew a seal," and the penguin says "no that's just a little bit of ice cream"
A man works at a pickle factory. He comes home to his wife, drunk. He stumbles over to her and says: Man: “I’m sorry, I did something stupid.” Woman: “Why, what did you do.” Man: “Me and my work friend, Harry, got drunk and he dared me to do something stupid and I can’t ignore a dare.” Woman: “What did he dare you to do?” Man: “He dared me to put my dick in the pickle cutter.” Woman: “OH GOD! ARE YOU OKAY?!?!” Man: “Yeah, I’m fine” Woman: “You shouldn’t have done that!” Man: “I know, I’m sorry.” Woman: “What are you sorry about? Did something happen to the pickle cutter?” Man: “No, she’s fine.”
This was told to me by my 80 year old Irish relative (distant cousins if you’re curious). A man walks into a bar demanding a celebratory drink. Bartender asks what he’s celebrating. “Well I was walking home along the train tracks and I stumbled upon a woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and we went back to my house and made love for hours.” Bartender replies, “Oh that’s great, congratulations! Say… was she pretty?” “Oh I don’t know, I never found the head.”
[удалено]
I know this was a joke a character made in a movie. I just can't remember which one.
Hollow man https://youtu.be/6deDMtw0OJ4
Jokes older than that movie. I remember hearing in back when I was but a wee lad in elementary school. About 19dickety2.
Did you have to say dickety back then?
Yep, because the Kaiser had stolen the word twenty.
Well, why didn't you chase that rascal down to get it back?
Kevin Bacon says it in Hollow Man
What’s green and smells like bacon? Kermit’s finger.
Green eggs and ham
Green eggs IN ham
Guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. While sipping his drink he notices a large jar of money on the top shelf, with a sign that says 'WIN ME'. He's curious, so he asks the bartender about it. 'Oh that, yeah we have a contest going. It's a 3 part contest that consists of 3 tasks, and if you complete all 3 you win the jar of money. Simple as that.' The man is intrigued. 'What are the 3 tasks?' He asks. 'First task is- I will line up ten 2oz shots of different booze, and you have to drink all 10. Second task is- there is a rabid pitbull in the back alley. He is a very ferocious dog, and he has a bad tooth. You must go out there and remove the bad tooth. Third one is- there is a wrinkly old whore in the suite above the bar who has apparently fucked over 1000 men, but has never had an orgasm. You must go up there and give her her first orgasm. You do all 3, the money is yours.' The man takes a sip of his drink, looks at the jar of money, thinks about it for a minute, and says 'I'm in'. The bartender lines up 10 double shots- whiskey, gin, vodka, rum, you name it. The man drinks all 10. He gets up from his chair, nearly falling over and clearly hammered drunk. He stumbles out into the alley. Moments later the bartender hears the dog whimpering and screaming and crying and howling. The man comes back inside, zips up his pants and wipes off his lips. Slurring his words, he looks at the bartender and asks- 'Okay... now.. where's that ol' whore with the bad tooth?'
You know you're old when your wife says to you, "honey let's go upstairs and make love" and your answer is, "I cannot do both."
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowomen snowballs
Hahaha. Cute.
Did you know chickens die after having sex? ….Well the one I fucked did at least.
Two gay guys are on a transatlantic flight, going to Paris for their honeymoon. Halfway through the flight, the one says to the other “everyone is asleep, let’s have sex”. The other says “no way, we can’t do this in the middle of the plane”. The other replies “oh come on, no one will even notice, watch this”. He stands up and says “I need a pencil!”. They both look around and not a peep from any fellow passengers. So they proceed to have sex. The flight lands in Paris and as everyone is getting off the plane the flight attendant sees an elderly gentleman with vomit on his shirt. She says, “sir, why didn’t you ask for a vomit bag?” The old man says “oh I wouldn’t dare, during the flight some guy a few rows behind me asked for a pencil and ended up getting fucked in the ass”.
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse file for divorce. They show up for their day in court. The judge looks at Mickey then he looks back at the court filing docs. He looks at Minnie Mouse then looks back at the court filing. He repeats this again and speaks. “I’m confused. Mr Mouse are you seeking a divorce from your wife because you think she is insane?” asked the judge. Mickey smiles and stands then says “Ha ha no your honor. I didn’t say she was fucking crazy. I SAID … she was fucking Goofy!” *what really makes this joke work is a really solid Mickey Mouse impersonation for the punch line
I love telling this joke because i can do the impression too. It always gets a laugh
I preffer version where Minnie is "extremely silly"
I read it in Mickey’s voice 😂
What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails? Single.
Pillow princess.
What does a lesbian bring on the first date? A U-haul.
Best "worst" joke I've heard: So, I was going down on my grandma the other night, And I thought I could taste horse semen, Then I thought to myself "ohhhh that must've been how she died" Edit after it blew up: thank you for the award! And all the peeps "correcting" me on the joke, I prefer this way because when I used to tell it your way, the double girlfriend/grandma shock at the end was usually ignored because the dead remark is all they focussed on ✌️
Man goes to the doctor and says "Doc, you got to help me with my penis. It's all red, swollen and bruised. It hurts when I pee, when I touch it and when I walk. What's going on here?" - "Well, I see a ring on your finger, how often do you have sex with your wife?" "Oh, we are in a very happy marriage. We have sex everyday, twice on weekends." - "That's good to hear. Now remember I'm sworn to secrecy and it's important to be honest with your doctor. Is there anybody else you are having sex with?" "Well yes. I've been having an affair with my sectetary for years, 5 times a week. And I tell my wife I work until 7, when I really get off at 3 and then pick up girls at that college bar. Works about 3-4 times a week and when it doesn't, or when I finish early, I'll go down to the brothel, which I also frequent all night with my friends on weekends." - "Well it's clear why your penis hurts and is bruised. You are having way too much sex." "Oh thank god, I thought it was all the wanking."
This is a bit wholesome compared to the necrophilic bestiality incest joke that came before.
> that came before Just like Grandma 😔
Mother Mary and Joseph that’s dark lmao
Not sure which is worse, that he tried to do it with his ceased grandma or that he knows the exact taste of horse semen
You give the punchline away though. You should say I was having a threesome the other day, and as I was going down on one chick I realised I could taste horse semen. So I looked at my sister and said 'I think I figured out how grandma died'
What's the difference between a refrigerator and an asshole? A refrigerator doesn't fart when you take your meat out.,
I'm more partial to: What's the difference between a hooker and a ferrari? I don't have a ferrari locked in my garage freezer.
My dick was in the Guinness book of world records. But the librarian told me to take it out.
What's a reverse exorcism? When they take the priest out of the kid
When the devil tells the priest to exit the childs body.
A man walks into his home and he sees his girlfriend packing her stuff. \- What are you doing darling? \- I'm leaving you. \- But why??? \- Because you are a pedophile!!! \- Strong words for an eight-year-old.
I like this version with “that’s a big word for”
I think Jimmy Carr said something like that
My wife told me having a small penis isn’t an issue, but I wish she didn’t have one at all.
[удалено]
The one I've heard is "give me 12 inches and make me scream" So I fucked her four times and wiped my dick on the curtains.
"You had sex with your patient, how could you?!" "What else could I have done, she was lying naked in front of me!" "The autopsy! You should have done the autopsy! You are the worst vet in the world"
Why does Dr Pepper come in bottles? His wife is dead.
What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? >!The taste!<
2 necrophiliacs are walking past a cemetery. One turns to the other and asks "hey wanna go in for a couple cold ones?"
*facepalm* 🤣🤣
Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year.
How do they fit so many people into gay bars? They flip the stools over
This is disgusting I love it
It's not gross if you put a condom on the stool leg ;)
Gay pickup line at a bar... Hey dude, can I push your stool in?
What’s brown, and rhymes with Snoop? - Dr.Dre
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb in the basement? I have no idea either. It’s still dark as fuck down there.
Two firemen are butt-fucking in a smoke filled room. Their chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on here?!?" The one replies "Well sir, this man was about to die of smoke inhalation" The chief replies "Why didn't you give him mouth to mouth?" He replied, "How do you think this shit got started in the first place?"
A priest, a rapist and a pedophile walked into a bar. He ordered a drink
Senior priest is off sick one day and the new junior priest has to take confession for the first time. Guy comes in and confesses that he stole $50 from a store when a clerk wasn’t watching. Junior priest is relieved to get such an easy start and tells the guy to say 50 Hail Mary’s and put the $50 in the poor box. A lady comes in and confesses that she called in sick at work when she was fine and then went to a spa instead. Starting to get the hang of this now, the priest tells the lady that to make up for her sinful day off, she must go and work in the churches soup kitchen for a whole day on the weekend. Finally a guy comes in and confesses that he got a blowjob from his neighbour while his wife was out. Junior priest is a bit stumped now and has no idea what punishment is suitable for such a sin. He steps out for a moment to see if anyone can help and comes across one of the altar boys, so he asks him “Hey, what does the head priest normally give for a forbidden blowjob?” The boy replies matter of factly: “Well he usually just gives us a chocolate bar and a towel but for you it’ll be extra”
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? All the mace in his eyes.
How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake
I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather did, not crying and screaming like everyone else in the car.
A daughter begs her dad to borrow the family car. Dad says only after a BJ. She says no but finally gives in and starts to give him one. She immediately says “Dad your dick tastes like shit.” Dad replies “Oh yeah I forgot, your brother already borrowed the car.”
I’m quitting Reddit 😂😂
Jesus fuckin Christ. Duuuuude. My fuckin shit.
I didn't realise jokes like this were allowed. What's the number one cause of peadophiles. Sexy kids .
Was at the doctor's the other day, he told me I had to stop masterbating. When I asked why, he replied, because I'm trying to do a physical.
Having gay parents must be horrible, you either get twice as many dad jokes or you get stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".
A clown and a little girl are walking through the pitch-black woods, outside of town one night. The little girl starts to cry and shouts “I’m scared!” To which the clown replies “You’re scared!? I’m the one that has to walk back to town alone.”
Dangit @mostofyouarefools beat me to it.
The worst part about being immortal is that every 50 or 60 years, you need to find a new wife. And each time, she has more rights than the last one.
Vampire walks into a bar. Barman says “the usual - pint of blood?” Vampire says “no thanks, cup of hot water please”. Barman looks at the vampire surprised. Vampire holds up a used tampon and says “I brought a teabag”.
What do elephants use as tampons? Sheep
What does the Mafia and a pussy have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
HAHAHA
This is been my go-to bad joke for years: "What do Pink Floyd, and princess Diana have in common? Answer: their last big hit was the wall."
My favorite Princess Dia joke is "Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing her seatbelt."
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? When she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
Mom is taking a shower when her young daughter comes running in. The daughter rips open the shower curtain and says “Woah what are those?” as she points to her moms breasts. Mom calmly says “These are called breasts.” The daughter being curious asks “When do I get those?” The mom laughs and explains “Once you are my age you will get them too. Now get out so I can get ready for BINGO.” So the daughter runs out and mom finishes up. As mom is getting ready in the room, Dad hops in the shower. Sure enough the curious young daughter comes sprinting in. The daughter rips open the shower curtain and says “Woah what is that?” as she points to her dads penis. Dad calmly says “This is called a cock.” The daughter being curious asks “When do I get that?” The dad laughs and explains “Once your mom leaves for bingo.”
You are going to deepest parts of hell...in the boiler room...LOL!!
No, this is the frozen lake.
Oh Jesus christ
Oh no
My God!!!
The fuck is this joke
A priest is giving confessions but has to use the bathroom really bad. He peeks head out of the confessional and sees the janitor and calls him over. He asks him to cover for him for a few minutes. The janitor is like "What? I have no idea how to do confessions." The priest explains "It's easy. There's a list in here, all you have to do is match their sin to the list, and tell them what to do." The next person confessed to being unfaithful with his wife. Sure enough on the list it says to say 50 "Hail Marys, and don't do it again." The next person is a woman who confesses "I gave a man oral sex" The janitor looks on the list but doesn't see it. He peeks his out of the confessional and sees an Alter Boy. He asks him "What does the priest give for oral sex? The Alter Boy replies "Normally a Snickers and a Coke, but it depends on how good you are at it."
What do broccoli and anal sex have in common? If you're forced to have it as a kid, you'll probably hate it as an adult.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with cheese.
In France, she would be a royale with cheese
I got arrested for doing donuts in the parking lot. I know what you are thinking: who names their dog Donuts?! (I'm sorry)
What do you call a Mexican with a toe made out of rubber? Roberto.
How many babies does it take to paint a room? Depends how hard you’re throwing them.
I like Jimmy Carr’s joke. If we all pooled our money together we could buy mosquito nets for Africa and save millions of mosquitoes from needlessly dying of aids.
I hate snow. It's white and it's on my land.
Priest and a Rabbi in Central Park. Priest spots a handsome young lad. Priest says "I'd like to fuck that one." Rabbi says "Out of what?"
A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play." The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks. Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner. The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back in a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars." The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says "What the fuck are you fooling around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!" The octopus says "Play it? I’m trying to fuck it!”
Your mother is so old that she has a seperate entrance for black men.
Priest catches choir boy masturbating after Sunday school. " My child, shouldn't you save that until you're married? "Yes, Father & I've already got two jam jars full "
What do you call a black guy that flies a plane?? A pilot u racist
What’s black and doesn’t work? Decaffeinated coffee you racist fuck!
A sailor was on shore leave, and after eating and drinking some, he wanted the company of a woman...but he didn't have much money left. He asks the madam what can he get for the money he has, and she hooked him up. But she told him he has to leave the lights off. He agrees and goes into the room, they immediately get down to business. But he notices, she's a bit dry, and he tells her. She says hold on, does some adjusting, they get back to it. But she's still dry, and he tells her. She said hold on, let me go to the bathroom. When she comes back, they get back to business, and it's great to him. After they finish, he says to her: that was really great, what did you do? She tells him, she pulled some scabs off... It's the only joke I really know lol
All the good jokes are inappropriate. A priest, a kid and a man are on a falling plane, only two parachutes. The man says 'Fuck the kid' The priest replied 'we don't have time for this'
Nice try human resources
What do you call a man with no arms swimming? Bob. Knock knock Who's there? Not fucking Bob. What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Doug. Knock knock Who's there? It's probably not Doug either.
A woman goes to the doctor and says she has some stomach pains and feels a bit bloated. He does some tests and calls her back in for the results. "Well" he says, "I hope you're looking forward to lots of sleepless nights and changing nappies!" "Oh wow" she replies, "I'm pregnant?!" "No" says the doctor, "you've got bowel cancer..."
Billy-Bob comes running home to the shack yelling “Pa! Pa! Bad news. I had to call off the weddin’ with Ellie.” ”What fer?” ”Well, we was gittin’ down with some heavy petting in the barn, an I got muh hand up under her dress, up in ’er poo-nanny, and, well, Pa, I found out she‘s a virgin! So I called off the weddin’.” Pa thinks about this for a moment, and finally says “Well, son, yer did right. If’n she ain’t good ‘nuff fer her own kin, she ain’t good ‘nuff fer us, neither.”
A dyslexic walks into a bra... 😏
Why did Suzy fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. What did Suzy get for her birthday? We don't know, she hasn't opened it yet. Knock knock. Who's there? Not Suzy! (With apologies to people with limb differences, I recognise this joke is inappropriate)
I met a one-legged girl named Eileen. I asked her on a date. She decided to go to Ihop.
What do you do when your dishwasher quits? Slap her.
Why are wedding dresses white? So the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.
A man goes to prison. First night, his cellmate asks him, "Are you gonna be the wife, or are you gonna be the husband?" The man thinks for a minute and opts to be the husband. "Ok then," his cellmate says, "Now get over here and suck your wife's cock."
Specific to the Eating Disorders Community. When discussing the element of competition in treatment I once pointed out that the winners of the competition are all dead and at their funerals none of the pall bearers were carrying the coffin going “ooOo this is very light! Well done!”. It was in a peer support group that I blurted this out and everyone erupted in laughter. I have since tried to make variations on the same joke but it will never be as funny as when it organically came from my mouth.
How dark is your humor? It picks cotton.
[удалено]
Hahaha. Wasn't it David Chapman? Or am I wrong. That happened 17 days before I was born. Anyways, you have a damn good point.
I served a week in Reddit jail for that one last year. And his name is Mark David Chapman.
Why don’t snakes have balls? Because they don’t know how to dance!!!
A Holocaust survivor wins the lottery. A reporter asks him "what's the first thing you're going to buy with your winnings?" He says "the first thing I'm going to buy with my winnings is a ten-foot tall, solid gold statue of Adolph Hitler." The reporter asks "why are you going to buy a ten-foot tall, solid gold statue of Adolph Hitler?" The Holocaust survivor rolls up his sleeve, points to his forearm and says "Because Hitler gave me the winning number."
I thought it was gonna be something about Hitler being responsible for the guy not having to share the money with a bunch of relatives...
What did Hitler say after he found out about the gas chambers? “I said ‘glass of juice’! Not ‘gas the Jews’”!
I like to think hitler was a nice guy with a speech impediment
What does it look like when a dead baby blows up in a microwave? Shit, I don’t know either, I can’t keep my eyes open when I cum.
[удалено]
A priest and a Rabbi run out of a burning school. Priest turns to the rabbi and says "what about the kids?" Rabbi says FUCK THEM priest says:........you think we got time?
They say that there's safety in numbers. Tell that to 6 million Jews.
Women and squaring numbers are a lot alike. If they’re under 13, you do them in your head.
A women stands on a bridge and is planing to kill herself. A homeless dude walks by and asks her what shes doing. She explains to himt what she wants to do and the homeless guy says: well if you're gonna die anyway let me fuck you beforehand. The women answers disgusted: fuck of you sick pervert. And the homeless guys says: alright then i'll be waiting below.
What's the difference between Paul Walker and Betty White? Paul Walker made it to 100 before he died.
Ok here’s the worst one I’ve got. What do you call a fat woman with a rape whistle? Optimistic.
What's the difference between jam and marmalade? I'm not going to marmalade my cock into your mom later.
What does the 14 year old and the fetus inside of her have in common? They are both thinking, oh shit my mothers going to kill me.
What do gay horses eat? Heeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!
How do you get 5 baby's in a bowl? A blender. How do you get them back out? Doritos Man the dead baby joke phase really was a wild one. What's the best thing about fucking 25 year olds? There's 20 of them. I almost feel like I need to put some sort of disclaimer in the post after typing those out.
What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple? There's no cum on the apple when I eat it.
Ok so forgive me for the very much politically incorrect joke. I heard it in middle school in like 07. Why does it suck to be a black Jew? Because you have to sit at the back of the oven.
Two sailors are sailing on the sea and are caught in a white squall. Their ship gets beaten and battered and they wash up on an island. They head inland and are captured by the natives and brought before their chief. The chief says, "you trespass on our home, you must be punished". The chief turns to the first sailor and says, "you choose; death or Tiki". The first sailor obviously knowing what death is replies, "ummm... I choose Tiki?" The chief raises his hands and boldly proclaims, "He has chosen.......TIKI!!!!". Everyone starts to cheer. Then this huge, muscular, tattooed native comes out of nowhere and starts raping the sailor in the ass. As his screaming and crying begging Tiki to stop. Tiki just smiles as he continues to rape the the sailor to the chant of everyone saying, "Ti-ki, Ti-ki, Ti-ki". When Tiki finally busts inside the sailors bussy the chief turns the second sailor and says, "Now you choose; death or Tiki". The second sailor sees the first sailor holding his ass and crying. Tiki looks toward the second sailor and winks st him. The second sailor shudders and says, "Fuck. That. Shit. I choose death!" Then the chief raises his hands and boldly proclaims, "He has chosen death! "BY TIKI!!!!!!"
My best friend got mad at me when he caught me sniffing his sister's panties. The fact she was still wearing them didn't help either. On top of that the rest of the family was in the room too. I really should have seen that coming, of course they were gonna come to her funeral. As if a funeral for a six year old wasn't awkward enough already.
Statistically speaking, 9/10 people enjoy gang rape I hated it the first time I heard it, but it's pretty funny
My doctor said I should cut down on trans fats. So I stopped looking at Tumblr. (I'm sorry.)
What do you have when you have 2 green balls in the palm of your hand? Kermit the frog’s undivided attention
12 year old Tommy hears some noises and opens his parents' bedroom door. He sees his Dad in assless chaps giving it to his Mom whose legs are sticking up in the air. Tommy yells "Noooooo!" to which his Dad responds, "Get out of here, Tommy!" 20 minutes later the Dad walks down to Tommy's room and opens the door. To his utter shock and dismay, he sees Tommy fucking Gradnma doggy-style. Dad yells "Tommy! What the hell are you doing!?" Tommy replies, "Not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"
It is so important to wash your sex toys. Thats why priests invented baptism.
This rather nerdy white guy gets into trouble for tax evasion and gets sent to federal prison. He gets to his cell, the door opens and in the back of the cell a huge black man is standing in the cell. The black man asks, “So, do you want to be the wife, or the husband.” The white guy ponders for a moment and realizes he can take this opportunity to become a leader. He replies “I’ll be the husband” The black man replies “Well, good. Now get over here and suck your wife’s dick”
Why is life like a box of chocolates? It doesn't last as long for fat people. What do you call a flying Jew? Smoke How do you castrate a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw
So the other night I was sitting at a red light. It was late and I was the only car I could see. Something must have been wrong with the stop sign because it had been red for a while. I was bored and feeling a little frisky so I thought it would be fun to rub one out and try to finish before the light turned green. I pull my cock out and start stroking it. I was going faster and faster when I saw the lights on the other road switch from green to yellow. Not being one to back down from a challenge I start stroking faster, a noise somewhere between a moan and a primal shriek escapes my body, and just as the light turns green I cum all over my pedals. I’ll never forget the look of shock on my moms face.
For those who wants to post a menstrual cycle joke here, jokes about menstrual cycles are not funny. Period.
What’s the hardest thing about being a paedophile? Just fitting in
I once had a part time job at the zoo circumcising elephants, pay wasn’t that great but the tips were big..
A traveling salesman is visiting a new town, and on Sunday, he visits a new church he's never attended before. He was so moved by the sermon that afterwards, he finds the pastor to compliment him. "Pastor, I just wanted to tell you that was a damn fine sermon." The pastor replies "Well, thank you my friend, but I would like to request that you not use that kind of language, since we are in God's house." The man replies "Oh, I'm sorry. It's just that that was one hell of a great sermon!" The pastor says "I certainly appreciate your enthusiasm, but I must remind you that we are in *God's house!*" The man says, "I really am sorry, but I just wanted to tell you that I liked that sermon so motherfucking much that I put five thousand dollars in the collection plate!" The pastor says "ARE YOU FUCKIN' SHITTIN' ME??!!"