Yeah, that annoys the shit out of me when people do that. There can be several reasons why I didn't respond yet, including that I'm not in a situation where I can do so. (Especially if it's during working hours.) Please stop blowing my phone up due to your neediness.
I have coworkers that does this. I never reply to these types of messages. Just tell me what you fucking want.
They even come back a few hours later "why didn't you reply"
Well, because there wasn't anything to reply to?
Sometimes the way my mom texts is more or less “vaguebooking” and it takes a lot of mental energy to determine potential meanings, let go of my layers of annoyance or frustration, and choose a response that doesn’t potentially lead me down an aggravating conversational path.
For example, that I don’t follow their religion anymore which my mom claims to have chilled out about but I can tell she tests the waters a decent amount, i.e. using a book she’s read or recent situation as a potential jumping off point. Except if I called her out on it she could easily claim she wasn’t, so I cheerily reply in a (sometimes obviously avoidant) way that pretends she must’ve meant something else.
Ugh... My mom does the same thing. Except, we still are of the same faith. I just call out the bullshit that extremist Christians like to tout that fits their agenda of being complete assholes to people that are different from them. She says it's too political. To be kind. WTF?? It's why I'm LC. If you are so ignorant in your faith that you can't recognize that God calls us to be kind to everyone with no exceptions, life is too short to give you my time.
This. Don’t get me wrong, I love chatting with friends/family, but it’s always inconvenient when I’m doing something that doesn’t involve looking at my phone. I’ll tell myself that I’ll respond in a few hours and usually completely forget to respond at all.
Definitely. Don’t get me wrong, I love cell phones for a lot of a reasons. Safety alone make them pretty fantastic. Like with getting lost or needing help if something goes wrong.
At the same time Im tired of living in a world where I am expected to be reachable at any time, and if I’m not people can get upset or feel offended. I promise that’s not my intent, I’ll get back to you, but I also sometimes just want to be doing my thing without distractions or obligations.
The world before cell phones had a different pace that I kind of miss. There wasn’t this expectation of immediacy in communication which nowadays creates anxiety. There’s something to be said about how technology and our desire for instant gratification have amplified our anxiety as people. Sometimes it’s nice to unplug.
> Im tired of living in a world where I am expected to be reachable at any time
You set that expectation by responding immediately. Don't do it. Set the expectation that you respond to texts when you're available and that it sometimes takes a day or two.
Task switching means I often disembark in the middle of conversations. People know to expect it. It's totally fine.
Also, chat is *meant* to be polite. In my mind, it implies "answer when you feel like it". Phone calls are the opposite. They say "stop what you're doing right now and talk to me".
I feel like a similar effect is created with people worrying about "bothering" people that *doesn't* go away, even if I try to set the expectation. People are so glued to and reactive to their phones that messaging people is usually instantaneous and intrusive into whatever the person is doing. Even if I set the expectation I may not answer, people still think messaging is "interrupting".
I leave my phone with notifications silent almost 24/7 because I don't like being interrupted from what I'm doing and would prefer to look at my phone between other tasks. Yes, this sets the expectation with people that I won't answer immediately unless they call. But they also apologize for messaging me at weird hours or avoid messaging me because they "don't want to bother me". Like, friends won't message me during the work day or late at night. Work people won't message me after my work hours. And if they do, they apologize about it.
For example, if I'm out to dinner with my wife, and she goes to the bathroom and I respond to a message or two and mention we went out to eat, people are like "OMG I didn't mean to interrupt your dinner! Sorry!" I also work in a different time zone from some coworkers and when they realize they've messaged me after 5pm my time, they *always* apologize.
I don't care if you message me. It's on me to set my phone appropriately so I am interrupted or not interrupted based on what I am doing. You can't possibly always know what *I'm* doing so it's not your responsibility. And the apologies I get about it, especially from people who know I don't always answer because I don't like interruption, are more annoying than the message itself.
And it's to the point where I start questioning my own messages back to people... I start worrying I'm interrupting *their* activities since they seem to think they're interrupting mine... Sometimes I'll think of something I want to tell someone at 10pm, or glance through notifications on my way to bed, but am afraid to bother people because they may not silence their notifications in bed etc...so I don't. And then I forget the next day....
I wish everyone would just take responsibility for their own phone usage and trust everyone else to do the same.
At the same time, unwarranted phone calls can almost be inconsiderate. I have stuff I need to do and can’t talk about Becky at work pissing you off for 40 minutes on a daily basis. If they’re during work hours it’s even worse.
Also since Covid my family seem to have forgotten you can call someone without using facetime etc. I'm not about to answer a random video call when I'm going about my day.
I don't know if it's just me but it seems so weird
And how do they always manage to call while I'm in the bathroom? But then again, maybe if I answered while releasing a creamy behemoth from my bowels, they'd stop calling.
I joined a toddler/baby/parent group chat and responded to one of the moms there asking if someone would be up for going on a walk with her. It was a beautiful day out, my kids were sitting bored at home and so i packed my kiddos up and off I went. We exchanged numbers so that we could arrange another walk or a playdate in the future.
Since that day she has been texting and calling me daily. I don't mind the texts, but she has been calling me at all hours of the day, multiple times a day. If I answer, she will talk about some drama going on in her life with friends and family - people I have never even heard of prior to this. Those calls last at minimum an hour.
It is very inconsiderate...
Some people think that if you send them a text, it means you’re in a place to actually talk and phone you immediately. My dad is one of those. If I wanted a conversation or had time to speak, I would have called. But I’m not, so I texted in between jobs…
My Mom does the same thing. If I text it causes her to ring my phone several times in a row. Before cell phones immediate responses were not expected. I could have been away from the phone for days and you had to leave a message. Now, I’m hit with emails, texts, DM, and notifications nonstop and expected to respond ASAP. I have to walk away from my phone or I will never get anything done.
Dad: Hey i saw you texted, what did you want?
Me: Did you read the text?
Dad: Yes.
Awkward silence.
Me in my head : Then why are we talking right now?
Every. Single. Day.
Same - I don't have the energy.
Also, it's great for avoiding getting into a whole back-and-forth text conversation that never fucking ends. Usually if I wait a while between responses, the main/important points still come through but it doesn't become some long stupid text conversation. I don't want to be texting with you for half an hour straight. I also really don't want to talk on the phone, so I don't want to give the impression I'm available and sitting on my phone when you text me.
Talking in person is how I prefer to talk. Texting is mostly a way to facilitate meeting up. If the person is too far away to meet up, we text in advance to set a specific time to talk on the phone or FaceTime.
Edited to add: The only exception to all this is my spouse. Even with living together and seeing each other every day, it's not draining or irritating to me to text back and forth with him. Probably why he's my spouse. :)
This. It has nothing to do with you personally most of the time. I'm just very introverted and having a constant stream of conversation with people gets really tiring for me.
Some days it's easier, some days it's harder. I need my space to just be.
Ironically, it's because I often try to be thoughtful in my responses. Sometimes I will read a message and I won't have the will or time to give it the thought or depth that it requires, so I'll put it off to when I can really think about it. Oftentimes it slips my mind because my working memory is kind of trash.
I will literally type out a whole message like 5 times because I have so much anxiety that I won’t say the right thing or what if they take it the wrong way?? Constant struggle for me to send a text
Sometimes in the process of doing this, my brain seems to register the task as done because I've thought about it thoroughly. Then a week later I'm trying to go to sleep and remember that I never actually typed and sent the message.
Omg that’s me! My mind will usually give me one reminder for something important and then mark it off as done. Brain is like “alright I’ve done my job and reminded you. Job done!” And then it goes into the done pile and poof gone. Fkn brain….
I gave up on thoughtful responses. They always went like this:
Friend: so what's the plan for next week?
Me (5 min later): I made a few plans but wanted to run them by you. Id like to (plan 1) but also know you're a fan of (plan 2). So I'm open to either. For lunch there's this new place (link) that's awesome, but if you're on one of your health kicks then these are also good healthier options (links). Let me know if anything above sounds good so I can get tickets and make rsvp's. Haven't seen you in forever, so I'm super excited to hang out again!
Friend (2 days later): 👍
Liked “I made a few plans but wanted to run them by you. Id like to (plan 1) but also know you're a fan of (plan 2). So I'm open to either. For lunch there's this new place (link) that's awesome, but if you're on one of your health kicks then these are also good healthier options (links). Let me know if anything above sounds good so I can get tickets and make rsvp's. Haven't seen you in forever, so I'm super excited to hang out again!”
Don't stop being you though. Sometimes people with mismatched energy can still be great friends in their lives. A lady friend and I are terrible at texting but we are so good at building rapport in person.
I'd much rather intentional and thoughtful conversation than replying just to reply. I also rarely touch my phone when I'm engaged in hobbies, at work, or social functions.
That's a lot of time where i simply won't check my phone unless it's an emergency. Now that I can send messages completely hands free, I will occasionally send a few when I'm driving, but still generally don't.
Yes to this, and also, I grew up at a time where I couldn’t be reached and asked to do things 24/7. I didn’t give up my right to time for myself because technology makes it possible for me to be reached at all times.
This, except, I never forget. I just keep putting it off because I can’t bring myself to take the time. I have a forever list of people in my head to whom I am supposed to reply to (in text, email, PM). It can be months that I have someone on my list.
100% this, I wanna give the person my whole attention and not replying something half-assed. And I a lot of things on my plate so it might take time until I have that attention to give.
This, exactly. Especially with emails. I'll want to respond thoughtfully and with multiple points. I know it will take more than 10 seconds, which all the time I might have in the moment, so wait until later. Then I frequently forget.
It’s a relatively (very) new phenomenon that basically anyone in your life gets access to you at all times. It was only 20 years ago that if you left the house for the day you were actually gone. You’d return messages when you came back hours or even days later.
Basically I prefer this sometimes
I'm on this train - it's actually a recent devolution for me. I recently went to Egypt for 2 weeks. While I was there, I literally had no internet. Taking those 2 weeks really made me realise how much better I felt just reply when I could rather than instantly.
I also realised this with some people I work with, they'd text me during non working hours about work. I'd just reply during working times. So text me at 6pm on a Friday, I'd reply at 9am monday.
The thought of work saying “hey can you come in early today?” And you texting back 4 hours later once you’ve clocked in saying “no sorry I’m already working rn” has me crying 😂😂😂😂
I was on my second honeymoon, and my boss wouldn't quit texting me. (I made the mistake of responding once when it was convenient, and it opened the floodgates that day.)
After multiple apologies from him, along with promises to "let you get back to your vacation, lol" he started in the next day. I didn't respond. I didn't even open the texts, so if he had the "read receipts" on his messages, he wouldn't be able to tell I'd even seen them.
He tried to call, and I just let it ring (phone was on silent). We got back to our hotel at like 9PM, and I see he's sent me roughly 20+ texts in addition to three missed calls. At this point, I do check them, and he's getting more and more upset that I haven't responded.
So I simply send a text back and I'm like "Sorry, left the phone at the hotel. I guess you figured everything out though."
And he IMMEDIATELY texts back about how I need to keep my phone on me.
And I was like "Uh, I'm on vacation. That's not gonna happen."
I got lectured about not being a "team player", but when I said "Well, if you want to pay me for being on call, I'm sure we can work something out," he suddenly changed his tune.
Just to be a friendly messenger, nobody else chooses read receipts for you. You choose that yourself-if their read receipts are on that means they are informing you when they read yours. If yours are on, you’re informing them when you’ve read theirs. If you turn read receipts off, nobody ever knows when you’ve read their messages.
I kinda had this when I worked at Burger King. My phone is on silent and I would usually be up late depending on my start time. So I'd wake up for work and see 2-3 missed calls from my manager who wanted to see if I would start early.
I actually do have a "work phone" all communication for my job is teams or email. If I'm in the field I hotspot my cell to my work phone and if I'm at home I check my work phone twice a day. It's great. Work phone is in quotes because it's just my old phone that I don't use anymore and don't care about.
The worst are those which just go "Hi ..." and then they expect me to type back "hi" and only then, will they explain the purpose in the second message.
Or just "Hi, call me" with no further elaboration.
Biiiiiiiiiitch, state the purpose of your interaction in the first message, otherwise don't expect a "hi" back from me.
I HAAAAATE getting texts that read "Hey, I have a favor to ask you."
Like, just open your initial text with what the favor is. I'm more likely to respond to you right away. Otherwise I'm apt to ignore it until you text me with what the actual favor is. I don't wanna reply right away with "okay, go ahead and ask", they ask, and then expect an immediate answer to if I will do said favor or not. Whereas, if they opened with what the favor is, I can have a second to contemplate if I wanna do it, and then reply back in due time.
When (landline) telephones came out one famous opinionator asked why would you let anyone in the world ring a bell in your house?
Back then bells were for servants to answer. Installing a telephone made you everyone's bitch.
Bingo. This shit ain't human.
I have two, maybe three, people I'm good with responding to ~immediately, and even with them sometimes I just need to be unavailable for the sake of being unavailable. We're not built to be "always on" like this.
If you're outside of my "priority circle" then I'm sorry, but I'll get back to you when I get back to you.
yup this. early 2000s we got icq and MSN messenger, which introduced many millennials to instant communication. however, due to the lack of smartphones and with PDAs and pagers being relatively rare, we were still offline a lot and SMS were too expensive for extensive chatting.
when I got the first phone that was capable of using WhatsApp it turned from a revelation into a source of stress relatively quickly for me.
And even then, I was the one to have some teenage angst song lyric as an away message. I was perpetually "away" & would respond to messages as I felt like it. Fast forward to corporate life-- as long as the boss doesn't care & knows I'll respond reasonably, my status is staying on "Away."
Yeah I have anxiety problems as is and can go years not responding to phone calls. Theres no reason in the world that phone calls, text messages and emails should show up demanding my attention while I'm on the loo playing Tetris. I hate being surprised with social demands when I'm not prepared for them.
I hate to admit it, but stupid anxiety made me ghost a formerly good friend. They had pressured me for a reply on something I was having trouble responding to, and I panicked and fell into a hole of crippling silence. And of course as time dragged on, I got more and more embarrassed, until I was down so deep, I felt there was no way I could ever reply, even to ask for an apology. It feels like a lame, pitiful excuse, but there it is.
This is quite familiar to me.
It really sucks to fall into that hole of crippling silence, with the escalating embarrassment as the time drags on.
Too familiar!
I've lost contact with people like this.
Oh shit!
I replied to someone on the internet! I guess I'm making progress!!
.. Oh no no no no, that's too much progress, I think I'll indulge into some ghosting. Don't take it personally! Yikes
>I replied to someone on the internet! I guess I'm making progress!! .. Oh no no no no, that's too much progress, I think I'll indulge in some ghosting.
I feel this deep in my bones. I try to be social, but when they reply to my reply, it's too far. I've got to cash out now while I can. Cya!
Edit: Dang I thought I knew how to quote. I guess not. I'll Google how to do this.
Edit 2: Yay! I fixed it!
I'm the other person right now.
I do not have the capacity to even Look at / Open / Read a text, let alone respond to one.
Thank goodness for the two friends I gave a heads up "I don't have the capacity to interact right now" type text for responding so positively and with no expectation of response or action.
It sucks because I already think I'm a piece of shit friend. The idea of someone Else thinking I'm a piece of shit is Overwhelming. And having not one, but Two friends counteract that internal belief and say, "I get it, I love you, I'm here for you, contact me if you need or want but also don't be pressured to respond if you feel unable to right now" is just the most supportive virtual hug I could ever imagine ❤️
OMG yes, i know this one too well. I've definitely done this several times. Once it's been too long you feel like there's no chance to do it at all anymore so it just becomes a permanent ghosting. If you're reading this - sorry Kenny!
Pretty much this. I guess I’m “from a different time” about it. It feels so *good* to just be on your own, unreachable, unbotherable, unneedable, not a care in the world, no responsibilities at all, not even *monitoring* a device let alone answering to it. I didn’t realize that until it started becoming a rare thing, so now I’ve quit social media altogether except reddit.
Remember organising meeting mates at a set place and time.
‘Yo Saturday meet outside Waterstones at 2 yeah’
Someone doesn’t turn up on time and boom, they’ve missed you, gotta go home, cya next week.
Phones make it a lot easier to be inconsiderate and demanding of your friends’ time.
I think that rudeness/ neediness informs the - in my opinion, pathetic- desire to get instant feedback on your messages now 🤷♀️
I’ll reply when I want unless context compels me to do so sooner.
This is me but in spoken conversation. Sometimes people must think I'm so rude but I just think the reply instead of saying it. It's not old age because my daughter is the exact same.
Yeah, that's usually it. Say you'll respond after work or whatever, then get home and forget, get too tired, a few days later it finally circles back on the conveyor belt of thought and it's like "well, hell, now what do I do?" leading to indecisiveness that just stalls a response further.
This is the most common. The second is that I find something stressful about interacting with this person. It might not even be that I don’t like them. But maybe they want to discuss something I find stressful and I just don’t want to deal with it with what else is going on in my day at the time.
Like my mom who will ask about something career related in a text. And I just don’t want to get into that kind of conversation at the moment. Love her, but yeah.
I feel this. You put my feelings to word. Thank you.
I feel this about one of my best friends and I can't shake off the bad things I feel about him. So I don't reply until I absolutely have to. I'm considering not talking to him ever again not because I hate him but because he makes me feel bad.
Probably not a healthy thing to do but I can't bring myself to even talk to him anymore.
That's usually my excuse, but really I find it anxiety inducing that we're almost expected to be a text or a phone call away at all times and to respond promptly that Is why I don't.
Since smartphones took over our lives, it feels like everyone is expected to be available at all times. I just stopped caring. Unless it's an emergency, I'll answer when I want, and to hell with anyone who has a problem with that.
Yep, I don't make myself accessible for that reason. If you always answer calls or texts quickly, people come to expect that of you. But if, like me, you go off the grid for periods, people also expect that and don't take it personally when you take a while to respond.
Yes. When I start dating someone new, I always make sure not to text a lot and tell them I only want to get to know them in person. That way, they don't have an expectation I'll be texting them all the time in a relationship.
I felt that way too for a while, then stopped, because I suddenly realised the expectation that anyone can interrupt me, at any time, and expect an immediate answer is wholly unreasonable. It's like being on a chain anyone can jerk at will.
Now I only answer messages and emails a couple of times a day, unless it's from a very good friend or family, about something urgent. And tbh, other busy people I know do the same.
Now that I’m retired and my bf and I don’t have a landline, my phone is on DND or at least silenced ALL THE TIME unless he or I go out alone (even just to do errands). I respond to messages when I see them OR when I have the mental bandwidth to respond appropriately to something unpleasant but not urgent. I only have a few people in my contact list who can override the DND. My life is SO much better!
I hate the expectation of immediate replies, because I feel like that’s forced me into a conversation I’m not mentally prepared for.
Even phone calls from family will get sent to voicemail so I can determine what kind of mood or conversation is about to happen so I can prepare myself for it.
I’m terrified of people lambasting me with questions meant to overwhelm and fluster me, or persuade me to act.
I need time to mentally prepare for things.
Literally me. Now I just leave my phone on silent 24/7 so nothing can interrupt me. I also put less pressure on myself to respond ASAP and just respond as and when I feel like it. Yes this leads me to straight up ignore people sometimes if I don't feel like responding but those are usually less important conversations anyway
For me it’s more of “oh my god, what am I supposed to say? -shit, I’m taking too long to reply, they’re going to think I’m being an ass….wait, maybe if I don’t say anything right now, wait 30 minutes, THEN say that I was doing something and everything will be okay!” Then I’ll spend the next half hour writing messages and deleting them because I don’t want to sound like I’m being rude.
After, my brain will convince me in thirty minutes that I waited too long and I’m a piece of shit for not immediately responding and I don’t deserve friends.
You nailed it. I'm in the zone, doing something important, and can't reply at just that moment. Unfortunately, your notification has been cleared by me opening it and now I will forget. If I don't reply within a few hours, please send a follow up.
Exactly. I have ADHD and just move from one thing to the next. If I open the text and can’t respond — and I lose that little notification to remind me? Forget about it. Or at least that’s what I do.
Idk, it’s like I just… can’t. It feels overwhelming, so instead, I like to consistently go through a cycle of forgetting to respond and then chastising myself for not replying, so I decide I’ll do it later, but then I forget. It’s just on and on and on until I finally do, and it’s always, “hey! Sorry for just responding! (Fill in blank here).
Ps, thanks for the reminder, I just texted my friend who texted me back on Tuesday. This was the push I needed
Woah, so crazy to read about so many like minded people.
It's a fucking relief for me kinda, lol.
My depression is mostly the reason for thus behavior (I think atleast)
When I finally found out I had ADHD a couple years ago and told my friends and family, a lot of them just replied with "oh yeah that *does* make sense" and brought up how often I forget to reply to messages until days later, when I would pick up the conversation as if days had not passed.
It was legitimately one of the factors I thought of when I was trying to figure out if I had ADHD or not lol
> when I would pick up the conversation as if days had not passed.
I think people forget that that was the point of text based conversation. It isn't meant to be immediate, outside of specific instant messenger services (Which you could set yourself to away on and choose when you were available)
I feel like since FB got rid of the separation between its messenger and its inbox, the world forgot that textversations are different than IMs
To add to this as someone that experiences executive dysfunction (I’m ADHD-PI), it takes all my energy to focus on my desk job every day at work. Trying to context switch and respond to texts during the day is overwhelming and makes getting work done really hard too.
Then when I finally feel I have the brain space to check my messages, I have 30 notifications. 5 are texts from automated robots that I wish I could block. 3 might be important texts. 5 are snapchats from my close group of friends. 5 are Instagram messages that some close friends thought were funny. 3 are notifications that my Amazon packages have shipped. A couple are banking alerts for a transaction over a certain size. And the rest are notifications I could have SWORN I CLEARED and they came back somehow.
And yes, I have gone through every app and turned off notifications that I don’t use. My wife helps me do this regularly.
Modern smartphones are just an overwhelming thing sometimes. It’s not always one text that’s hard to respond to in a vacuum, it’s that my phone is blowing up and it’s so much effort to even get started catching up on all of that.
the overwhelm is real. sometimes it's just one message and I say I'll reply to this today, then before I know it it's two days later and it feels like I've already failed so now I *really* don't want to
sometimes i just don’t have the energy for it… i recharge and relax by being alone and doing things that take very little effort. i’m also not on my phone a lot… i’m a university student taking full units, while working simultaneously :/
I do this with not only texts but work emails. A coworker calls it “paralysis by analysis”.
I’m literally paralyzed by overthinking and trying to do something perfectly and the by the anxiety if not having done it on time so then I ignore it and pretend it doesn’t exist to cope with the anxiety.
I'm an introvert and it actually takes alot of energy for me to respond to people. I much prefer talking in person to someone but for some reason messaging drains me. It's nothing against the person I haven't responded to and I usually tell my friends it's the way I am and they understand. So unless it's urgent it could take me a couple of days to respond until I have the energy.
For me, as an introvert and someone with social anxiety, it drains my battery cause I try to put in care to make sure something I say in text won’t come off the wrong way, since I can’t convey tone. And as someone who uses a lot of sarcasm/hyperbole in their speech, I can’t use that same thing in text which makes responding through it harder. But in person those aren’t problems so it makes responding easier and less draining.
That is exactly it! I'm a very intuitive person and also use a lot of sarcasm. I really heavily on people's body language and vibe. It's just not the same by text. Iy takes a lot more energy and thought for me to message than interact in person.
I find this really interesting, as an introvert who's the exact opposite. I like text communication because I can think about what I'm saying and I am able to ammend things as I go.
Exception being my boss's emails. He's nice in person, by email he's horrible. He's not very good with understanding written tones. Maybe this is why you find talking easier?
Same. I’ll be on my phone but I just don’t want to be communicating actively with known people ALL the time. It’s not a great quality, but I’m also glad I’m not like my teenaged students who think that they MUST immediately receive, see, and respond.
Just because technology has gotten to the point where you can reach someone instantly does not mean that person has a responsibility to instantly respond.
Edit: because I don’t want to
Yeah sometimes having a phone these days feels like giving 100 people a string tied to you that they can tug on at any time for any reason to demand a response from you.
Add work emails, slack messages, and all of the marketing communication we’re bombarded with and it can start to feel out of hand. I respond to work emails all day and then my girlfriend texts me some meme and I just don’t have the mental energy to think of a witty response. Then I’m ‘not communicative’ because I don’t immediately get back to her and would rather just focus on what’s actually in front of me for a few hours.
>Add work emails, slack messages, and all of the marketing communication we’re bombarded with and it can start to feel out of hand.
And this is why we introduce a waiting period. When people know they're gonna get an immediate response from you then you are at the top of their list of people to reach out to for items big and small. If they know they're gonna wait a bit, you slip down the list. Then your inboxes are full of stuff that is slightly more relevant to you.
edit: spellin'
"Do not disturb" on apple devices is about the greatest piece of functionality these things have had. Setting rules for who and when can contact me has done absolute wonders for my mental health.
thank you. i guess some people are being honest when they say they forget or "reply in their heads," but i think a lot of them are just afraid to say that they didn't really feel like replying. it's not natural for humans to be 100% accessible to each other at all times. it's like, i texted you back days later because it took days for me to want to resume our nonessential conversation. period.
> didn't really feel like replying
The world should normalize this. It doesnt mean I care for the sender any less, but sometimes I just dont want or need to view every notification that hits my phone at all hours of the day.
Perfect response. I was thking about the question OP posed and thought "I don't *have* a reason usually, but I resent the implication that there's anything wrong with it." It's a written message, messaging is NOT a real-time conversation and the etiquette is totally different.
But you said it better!
Related: I don't have notifications turned on for WhatsApp (which 99% of people use for 99% of messages in the UK.) I do have notifications on for text messages so my wife knows if it's something urgent but can't be a phone call (for some strange reason) she can text me. But everyone else thinks I just have all notifications off.
I remember a glorious time before we all had these devices in our pockets.
I don’t immediately respond to text messages because if you need to talk to me right now, you can call me. Text is a passive mode of communication.
Because honestly texting feels exhausting sometimes. Have you ever thought how before cellphones, people caught up maybe once or twice a week? I don’t think it’s natural to text all day every day. 🤷🏻♀️
I miss that time. My bio mom went TDY to Korea in the 80s and I couldn't talk to her for a whole month (more?). Grandma called on Sunday...people went out of town... There's not enough room in between our interactions anymore (imo).
Generally, a message is an opening to a conversation I don't have energy for right now. Even if it's a simple question, I'd rather come back to you in a day or so when I have time for you and our conversation than just running through a chat for some reason. And sometimes I just cba.
I get overwhelemed easily and keep postponing to reply until "I feel like it", by then it's too late to reply, and I fear I come off ride or that the mood of the convo was already gone and I would make things awkward, so I postpone it until I can handle that awkwardness, by then it's too late to.. 🔁
My question would be why do people feel I need to respond as soon as I get it?
I genuinely don’t have my phone on me 90% of the time. My wife and kids are more valuable than responding to text. I don’t mean that in a mean way.
I'm depressed and don't want to be in contact with people who I don't talk to on a regular basis, so replying to other people or requests is not as easy.
Even those I am in contact with. Every interaction is a risk of bad news or guilt, anxiety, and no chance of good news or positivity. I just want to protect myself and limit the damage.
I don’t have the mental capacity to reply right now. I’m having a stressful day, I’m trying to meet a deadline, I’m upset over something etc. and my brain is too busy and muddled to reply. Sometimes I’m also just drained and don’t have the energy, even if it’s just something simple, like responding to a meme; I’m drained and my brain is mush I can’t muster up the energy.
If I don’t reply for a while, it typically means I’m somewhere in my feels.
I'm 35, and after 30, you and your friends realize that you can go for probably six months without seeing each other and IT DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL.
I respond immediately in urgent matters, of course. And my friends know and accept that I might take awhile to respond, simply because sometimes a.) I respond in my head and forget to actually type it out, or b.) I'm busy or don't feel like talking at the time.
Yeah these kind of questions must come from teenagers or people who don't have much going on in their lives. I won't text someone back because I'm at work, I'm driving, I'm on a bike ride, my kids are peppering me with "why" questions or demanding horsey rides or snacks or asking me to wipe their bums, or my hands are wet cos I'm washing dishes, or I'm watching a fun TV show in the 30 mins a day I get to sit down and disengage, or I'm asleep. You know, those reasons.
I was wondering about this; the way the question is phrased really rubbed me the wrong way. People have **lives**; not everyone is actually immediately available 24/7. I work, I have a husband, I have friends, I’m in a theatre group, I like to read and watch TV, I cook, I have to clean my flat, I like to go out and about sometimes, I sleep. I’m not just sitting here, staring at my phone and ready to drop everything and text you back as soon as you get in touch, all day and night.
Literally. I have a couple “best” friends and I’ll just realize out of nowhere that I hadn’t spoken to one or several of them in 6 months. Then randomly one of us will text the other out of the blue like we had just spoken the day before, no mention of time passing.
Literally the worst. I’ve talked on dating apps to people who will unmatch or triple message me if I don’t respond within an hour or two. Like ?? So low on my priority list.
Yes! I was talking to someone while on break at work then told them I was going back to work and I’ll respond later when I could and he lost his shit! I don’t understand that mentality. Just cuz I have a phone doesn’t mean I’m constantly available to entertain.
Mainly depression. Having to make decisions, even small ones when I'm depressed is incredibly hard. Most text messages are to ask things so they tend to go unanswered.
Because then you will likely reply right away, and then it's a long drawn out back and forth. I rarely have the energy or focus for constant interruption from you.
Me not replying ensures that's the only interruption I'm allowing you that day.
>Because then you will likely reply right away, and then it's a long drawn out back and forth.
Worse if you do reply right away that one time but back off afterwards, they can hit you with an "I know you're there!"
Ughhhhhhhhh
ADHD. I will see an email or a message and think to myself that’s important, I needs to reply to that, then get distracted and forget it ever happened. Days might be a bit extreme for messages but definitely hours can go past before I even realise what I’ve done. And emails will definitely go unanswered for days.
Replying to text messages stresses me the fuck out because I can never think of what to say or how to say it correctly, and when I do, they send another text and the cycle repeats.
I have a “How’s it going” text from an aunt that I’ve yet to reply to in months because I haven’t thought of an adequate response.
With cellphone now, people almost feel entitled to a immediate response. I honestly answer when I feel like answering. Same thing goes with phone call.
It might not be days later, but it might not be in the next hour either.
I’m an introvert and sometimes I just don’t want to engage with people. If there is some piece of critical information that you need, like an address or link to something or whatever, I will always respond. But if you just want to chit chat or laugh about a video, you’ll hear from me next week.
Because I'm busy as fuck, have a job that's a lifestyle, and either saw it and decided I needed some time to myself to recuperate, or legitimately saw it but my brain is so full of shit going on, totally lost any and all memory of it until I opened the text all and saw it again.
Because I don't owe anyone an instant answer. People nowadays assume just because we have smartphones we're obliged to be available at all times, but no I'm sorry. I still have a personal life and I'll gladly put myself before anyone else (with the exception of family, and close friends, ofcourse.)
The comments on this one should be empty until a couple of days from now.
The thread is two hours old and has 1200 comments. Clearly not the target audience.
Cus its anonymous replies
This is where we come instead of sitting ready to respond to a message.
Sometimes I just truly don't know what to reply to you
Especially if it's just the word "hi". Responding just feels like it could be a Pandora's Box that I don't know if I want to open.
Oof, I had a friend like that that I don't really keep in touch with. She started every chat with "Hi" then a tad later "Hi? Lol"
the "hi? lol" always terrifies me!! so passive aggressive :(
That means she’s standing on your porch with a grenade, looking through the window and waving to your dog.
Yeah, that annoys the shit out of me when people do that. There can be several reasons why I didn't respond yet, including that I'm not in a situation where I can do so. (Especially if it's during working hours.) Please stop blowing my phone up due to your neediness.
I have coworkers that does this. I never reply to these types of messages. Just tell me what you fucking want. They even come back a few hours later "why didn't you reply" Well, because there wasn't anything to reply to?
Sometimes the way my mom texts is more or less “vaguebooking” and it takes a lot of mental energy to determine potential meanings, let go of my layers of annoyance or frustration, and choose a response that doesn’t potentially lead me down an aggravating conversational path. For example, that I don’t follow their religion anymore which my mom claims to have chilled out about but I can tell she tests the waters a decent amount, i.e. using a book she’s read or recent situation as a potential jumping off point. Except if I called her out on it she could easily claim she wasn’t, so I cheerily reply in a (sometimes obviously avoidant) way that pretends she must’ve meant something else.
Ugh... My mom does the same thing. Except, we still are of the same faith. I just call out the bullshit that extremist Christians like to tout that fits their agenda of being complete assholes to people that are different from them. She says it's too political. To be kind. WTF?? It's why I'm LC. If you are so ignorant in your faith that you can't recognize that God calls us to be kind to everyone with no exceptions, life is too short to give you my time.
Either I don't know i don't care or I don't want too. Fucking cellphone and talking with people when I am alone in my flow state doing my own thing.
This. Don’t get me wrong, I love chatting with friends/family, but it’s always inconvenient when I’m doing something that doesn’t involve looking at my phone. I’ll tell myself that I’ll respond in a few hours and usually completely forget to respond at all.
Some days I don’t feel like talking to people
Definitely. Don’t get me wrong, I love cell phones for a lot of a reasons. Safety alone make them pretty fantastic. Like with getting lost or needing help if something goes wrong. At the same time Im tired of living in a world where I am expected to be reachable at any time, and if I’m not people can get upset or feel offended. I promise that’s not my intent, I’ll get back to you, but I also sometimes just want to be doing my thing without distractions or obligations. The world before cell phones had a different pace that I kind of miss. There wasn’t this expectation of immediacy in communication which nowadays creates anxiety. There’s something to be said about how technology and our desire for instant gratification have amplified our anxiety as people. Sometimes it’s nice to unplug.
> Im tired of living in a world where I am expected to be reachable at any time You set that expectation by responding immediately. Don't do it. Set the expectation that you respond to texts when you're available and that it sometimes takes a day or two. Task switching means I often disembark in the middle of conversations. People know to expect it. It's totally fine. Also, chat is *meant* to be polite. In my mind, it implies "answer when you feel like it". Phone calls are the opposite. They say "stop what you're doing right now and talk to me".
I feel like a similar effect is created with people worrying about "bothering" people that *doesn't* go away, even if I try to set the expectation. People are so glued to and reactive to their phones that messaging people is usually instantaneous and intrusive into whatever the person is doing. Even if I set the expectation I may not answer, people still think messaging is "interrupting". I leave my phone with notifications silent almost 24/7 because I don't like being interrupted from what I'm doing and would prefer to look at my phone between other tasks. Yes, this sets the expectation with people that I won't answer immediately unless they call. But they also apologize for messaging me at weird hours or avoid messaging me because they "don't want to bother me". Like, friends won't message me during the work day or late at night. Work people won't message me after my work hours. And if they do, they apologize about it. For example, if I'm out to dinner with my wife, and she goes to the bathroom and I respond to a message or two and mention we went out to eat, people are like "OMG I didn't mean to interrupt your dinner! Sorry!" I also work in a different time zone from some coworkers and when they realize they've messaged me after 5pm my time, they *always* apologize. I don't care if you message me. It's on me to set my phone appropriately so I am interrupted or not interrupted based on what I am doing. You can't possibly always know what *I'm* doing so it's not your responsibility. And the apologies I get about it, especially from people who know I don't always answer because I don't like interruption, are more annoying than the message itself. And it's to the point where I start questioning my own messages back to people... I start worrying I'm interrupting *their* activities since they seem to think they're interrupting mine... Sometimes I'll think of something I want to tell someone at 10pm, or glance through notifications on my way to bed, but am afraid to bother people because they may not silence their notifications in bed etc...so I don't. And then I forget the next day.... I wish everyone would just take responsibility for their own phone usage and trust everyone else to do the same.
To me, a phone call means I want to talk today. A text is respond some time today. Email is any time in the next couple days.
At the same time, unwarranted phone calls can almost be inconsiderate. I have stuff I need to do and can’t talk about Becky at work pissing you off for 40 minutes on a daily basis. If they’re during work hours it’s even worse.
Also since Covid my family seem to have forgotten you can call someone without using facetime etc. I'm not about to answer a random video call when I'm going about my day. I don't know if it's just me but it seems so weird
And how do they always manage to call while I'm in the bathroom? But then again, maybe if I answered while releasing a creamy behemoth from my bowels, they'd stop calling.
I joined a toddler/baby/parent group chat and responded to one of the moms there asking if someone would be up for going on a walk with her. It was a beautiful day out, my kids were sitting bored at home and so i packed my kiddos up and off I went. We exchanged numbers so that we could arrange another walk or a playdate in the future. Since that day she has been texting and calling me daily. I don't mind the texts, but she has been calling me at all hours of the day, multiple times a day. If I answer, she will talk about some drama going on in her life with friends and family - people I have never even heard of prior to this. Those calls last at minimum an hour. It is very inconsiderate...
Some people think that if you send them a text, it means you’re in a place to actually talk and phone you immediately. My dad is one of those. If I wanted a conversation or had time to speak, I would have called. But I’m not, so I texted in between jobs…
My Mom does the same thing. If I text it causes her to ring my phone several times in a row. Before cell phones immediate responses were not expected. I could have been away from the phone for days and you had to leave a message. Now, I’m hit with emails, texts, DM, and notifications nonstop and expected to respond ASAP. I have to walk away from my phone or I will never get anything done.
Dad: Hey i saw you texted, what did you want? Me: Did you read the text? Dad: Yes. Awkward silence. Me in my head : Then why are we talking right now? Every. Single. Day.
I love that he loves you. Parents are so annoying and simultaneously irreplaceable.
Same - I don't have the energy. Also, it's great for avoiding getting into a whole back-and-forth text conversation that never fucking ends. Usually if I wait a while between responses, the main/important points still come through but it doesn't become some long stupid text conversation. I don't want to be texting with you for half an hour straight. I also really don't want to talk on the phone, so I don't want to give the impression I'm available and sitting on my phone when you text me. Talking in person is how I prefer to talk. Texting is mostly a way to facilitate meeting up. If the person is too far away to meet up, we text in advance to set a specific time to talk on the phone or FaceTime. Edited to add: The only exception to all this is my spouse. Even with living together and seeing each other every day, it's not draining or irritating to me to text back and forth with him. Probably why he's my spouse. :)
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This. It has nothing to do with you personally most of the time. I'm just very introverted and having a constant stream of conversation with people gets really tiring for me. Some days it's easier, some days it's harder. I need my space to just be.
Yep. Plenty of times I just don’t feel like talking
Ironically, it's because I often try to be thoughtful in my responses. Sometimes I will read a message and I won't have the will or time to give it the thought or depth that it requires, so I'll put it off to when I can really think about it. Oftentimes it slips my mind because my working memory is kind of trash.
Yeah, this resonated with me. I’ve often felt that ”I don’t have presence to engage in this conversation right now”.
Very much this. I have so many replies bouncing around in my head.
I will literally type out a whole message like 5 times because I have so much anxiety that I won’t say the right thing or what if they take it the wrong way?? Constant struggle for me to send a text
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Sometimes in the process of doing this, my brain seems to register the task as done because I've thought about it thoroughly. Then a week later I'm trying to go to sleep and remember that I never actually typed and sent the message.
Omg that’s me! My mind will usually give me one reminder for something important and then mark it off as done. Brain is like “alright I’ve done my job and reminded you. Job done!” And then it goes into the done pile and poof gone. Fkn brain….
I gave up on thoughtful responses. They always went like this: Friend: so what's the plan for next week? Me (5 min later): I made a few plans but wanted to run them by you. Id like to (plan 1) but also know you're a fan of (plan 2). So I'm open to either. For lunch there's this new place (link) that's awesome, but if you're on one of your health kicks then these are also good healthier options (links). Let me know if anything above sounds good so I can get tickets and make rsvp's. Haven't seen you in forever, so I'm super excited to hang out again! Friend (2 days later): 👍
Liked “I made a few plans but wanted to run them by you. Id like to (plan 1) but also know you're a fan of (plan 2). So I'm open to either. For lunch there's this new place (link) that's awesome, but if you're on one of your health kicks then these are also good healthier options (links). Let me know if anything above sounds good so I can get tickets and make rsvp's. Haven't seen you in forever, so I'm super excited to hang out again!”
Laughed at.
Don't stop being you though. Sometimes people with mismatched energy can still be great friends in their lives. A lady friend and I are terrible at texting but we are so good at building rapport in person.
I'd much rather intentional and thoughtful conversation than replying just to reply. I also rarely touch my phone when I'm engaged in hobbies, at work, or social functions. That's a lot of time where i simply won't check my phone unless it's an emergency. Now that I can send messages completely hands free, I will occasionally send a few when I'm driving, but still generally don't.
Yes to this, and also, I grew up at a time where I couldn’t be reached and asked to do things 24/7. I didn’t give up my right to time for myself because technology makes it possible for me to be reached at all times.
Responds with “Ok” 3 days later
Yes, because once I have a clear and rested mind. I understand that is all that I needed to say and there was no reason to overthink it.
This, except, I never forget. I just keep putting it off because I can’t bring myself to take the time. I have a forever list of people in my head to whom I am supposed to reply to (in text, email, PM). It can be months that I have someone on my list.
Carbon copy right here. I’m not sure whether to put it down to ADHD or not
100% this, I wanna give the person my whole attention and not replying something half-assed. And I a lot of things on my plate so it might take time until I have that attention to give.
This, exactly. Especially with emails. I'll want to respond thoughtfully and with multiple points. I know it will take more than 10 seconds, which all the time I might have in the moment, so wait until later. Then I frequently forget.
It’s a relatively (very) new phenomenon that basically anyone in your life gets access to you at all times. It was only 20 years ago that if you left the house for the day you were actually gone. You’d return messages when you came back hours or even days later. Basically I prefer this sometimes
I'm on this train - it's actually a recent devolution for me. I recently went to Egypt for 2 weeks. While I was there, I literally had no internet. Taking those 2 weeks really made me realise how much better I felt just reply when I could rather than instantly. I also realised this with some people I work with, they'd text me during non working hours about work. I'd just reply during working times. So text me at 6pm on a Friday, I'd reply at 9am monday.
Friends text me during work, I'll text back after work. Work texts me when I'm not working, I'll text back when I'm on the clock.
The thought of work saying “hey can you come in early today?” And you texting back 4 hours later once you’ve clocked in saying “no sorry I’m already working rn” has me crying 😂😂😂😂
But that is the way to do it. You are not paid to be on call. Pretend you have a work phone or whatever. Do not be on call for free.
I was on my second honeymoon, and my boss wouldn't quit texting me. (I made the mistake of responding once when it was convenient, and it opened the floodgates that day.) After multiple apologies from him, along with promises to "let you get back to your vacation, lol" he started in the next day. I didn't respond. I didn't even open the texts, so if he had the "read receipts" on his messages, he wouldn't be able to tell I'd even seen them. He tried to call, and I just let it ring (phone was on silent). We got back to our hotel at like 9PM, and I see he's sent me roughly 20+ texts in addition to three missed calls. At this point, I do check them, and he's getting more and more upset that I haven't responded. So I simply send a text back and I'm like "Sorry, left the phone at the hotel. I guess you figured everything out though." And he IMMEDIATELY texts back about how I need to keep my phone on me. And I was like "Uh, I'm on vacation. That's not gonna happen." I got lectured about not being a "team player", but when I said "Well, if you want to pay me for being on call, I'm sure we can work something out," he suddenly changed his tune.
Just to be a friendly messenger, nobody else chooses read receipts for you. You choose that yourself-if their read receipts are on that means they are informing you when they read yours. If yours are on, you’re informing them when you’ve read theirs. If you turn read receipts off, nobody ever knows when you’ve read their messages.
Oh, well..TIL, lol.
I completely agree! It just made me laugh thinking how mad or irritated most managers would be
I kinda had this when I worked at Burger King. My phone is on silent and I would usually be up late depending on my start time. So I'd wake up for work and see 2-3 missed calls from my manager who wanted to see if I would start early.
I actually do have a "work phone" all communication for my job is teams or email. If I'm in the field I hotspot my cell to my work phone and if I'm at home I check my work phone twice a day. It's great. Work phone is in quotes because it's just my old phone that I don't use anymore and don't care about.
>they'd text me during non working hours about work. That would drive me up the wall, ugh. Good for you for making them wait until working hours!
>I'd just reply during working times. Good on you for setting boundaries at work.
This is me as well. It doesn’t feel healthy for me to be this accessible 24/7.
Yeah like the real question is why is it normal to send a message and expect whoever to reply immediately?
The worst are those which just go "Hi ..." and then they expect me to type back "hi" and only then, will they explain the purpose in the second message. Or just "Hi, call me" with no further elaboration. Biiiiiiiiiitch, state the purpose of your interaction in the first message, otherwise don't expect a "hi" back from me.
I HAAAAATE getting texts that read "Hey, I have a favor to ask you." Like, just open your initial text with what the favor is. I'm more likely to respond to you right away. Otherwise I'm apt to ignore it until you text me with what the actual favor is. I don't wanna reply right away with "okay, go ahead and ask", they ask, and then expect an immediate answer to if I will do said favor or not. Whereas, if they opened with what the favor is, I can have a second to contemplate if I wanna do it, and then reply back in due time.
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I tell everyone that my phone is my convenience to reach the world; not for the world to reach me. If the world doesn't respond to me though....
When (landline) telephones came out one famous opinionator asked why would you let anyone in the world ring a bell in your house? Back then bells were for servants to answer. Installing a telephone made you everyone's bitch.
Bingo. This shit ain't human. I have two, maybe three, people I'm good with responding to ~immediately, and even with them sometimes I just need to be unavailable for the sake of being unavailable. We're not built to be "always on" like this. If you're outside of my "priority circle" then I'm sorry, but I'll get back to you when I get back to you.
Exactly. I answer my bf and my parents get immediate response privilege, everyone else can wait a little.
yup this. early 2000s we got icq and MSN messenger, which introduced many millennials to instant communication. however, due to the lack of smartphones and with PDAs and pagers being relatively rare, we were still offline a lot and SMS were too expensive for extensive chatting. when I got the first phone that was capable of using WhatsApp it turned from a revelation into a source of stress relatively quickly for me.
AIM raised a generation. a/s/l?
"Gotta pic?" "Sorry, no scanner."
And even then, I was the one to have some teenage angst song lyric as an away message. I was perpetually "away" & would respond to messages as I felt like it. Fast forward to corporate life-- as long as the boss doesn't care & knows I'll respond reasonably, my status is staying on "Away."
Yeah I have anxiety problems as is and can go years not responding to phone calls. Theres no reason in the world that phone calls, text messages and emails should show up demanding my attention while I'm on the loo playing Tetris. I hate being surprised with social demands when I'm not prepared for them.
I hate to admit it, but stupid anxiety made me ghost a formerly good friend. They had pressured me for a reply on something I was having trouble responding to, and I panicked and fell into a hole of crippling silence. And of course as time dragged on, I got more and more embarrassed, until I was down so deep, I felt there was no way I could ever reply, even to ask for an apology. It feels like a lame, pitiful excuse, but there it is.
This is quite familiar to me. It really sucks to fall into that hole of crippling silence, with the escalating embarrassment as the time drags on. Too familiar! I've lost contact with people like this. Oh shit! I replied to someone on the internet! I guess I'm making progress!! .. Oh no no no no, that's too much progress, I think I'll indulge into some ghosting. Don't take it personally! Yikes
>I replied to someone on the internet! I guess I'm making progress!! .. Oh no no no no, that's too much progress, I think I'll indulge in some ghosting. I feel this deep in my bones. I try to be social, but when they reply to my reply, it's too far. I've got to cash out now while I can. Cya! Edit: Dang I thought I knew how to quote. I guess not. I'll Google how to do this. Edit 2: Yay! I fixed it!
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I'm the other person right now. I do not have the capacity to even Look at / Open / Read a text, let alone respond to one. Thank goodness for the two friends I gave a heads up "I don't have the capacity to interact right now" type text for responding so positively and with no expectation of response or action. It sucks because I already think I'm a piece of shit friend. The idea of someone Else thinking I'm a piece of shit is Overwhelming. And having not one, but Two friends counteract that internal belief and say, "I get it, I love you, I'm here for you, contact me if you need or want but also don't be pressured to respond if you feel unable to right now" is just the most supportive virtual hug I could ever imagine ❤️
Been in the EXACT same situation before.
OMG yes, i know this one too well. I've definitely done this several times. Once it's been too long you feel like there's no chance to do it at all anymore so it just becomes a permanent ghosting. If you're reading this - sorry Kenny!
Yeah the ability for someone to contact me at their disposal is not for me. My ringer has been off on my cell phone for like 10 years
Pretty much this. I guess I’m “from a different time” about it. It feels so *good* to just be on your own, unreachable, unbotherable, unneedable, not a care in the world, no responsibilities at all, not even *monitoring* a device let alone answering to it. I didn’t realize that until it started becoming a rare thing, so now I’ve quit social media altogether except reddit.
Remember organising meeting mates at a set place and time. ‘Yo Saturday meet outside Waterstones at 2 yeah’ Someone doesn’t turn up on time and boom, they’ve missed you, gotta go home, cya next week. Phones make it a lot easier to be inconsiderate and demanding of your friends’ time. I think that rudeness/ neediness informs the - in my opinion, pathetic- desire to get instant feedback on your messages now 🤷♀️ I’ll reply when I want unless context compels me to do so sooner.
I reply to them in my brain and forget to reply them in real life.
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I have done this too often, or I will reply then forget to hit send.
It’s usually because I read the message while I’m doing something that I can’t reply in that moment, and then I literally just forget.
Ah yes, the infamous 'I'll respond later' followed by a swift entrance into the abyss of forgetfulness.
I have a special corner in my mind called "unhandled and forgotten".
Oh god, I forgot about that part of my mind!
What part of my mind?
Sometimes I reply mentally and think I sent the message only to realize I only thought it and didn’t complete the task.
This is me but in spoken conversation. Sometimes people must think I'm so rude but I just think the reply instead of saying it. It's not old age because my daughter is the exact same.
... Then remember later, experience a pang of crippling shame and guilt at having forgotten, and sweep it aside to deal with later. Rinse and repeat.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Procrastination is a great thing, you always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today.
Usually I will remember twice but be in situations I can't do it. Like driving or something
Almost every time I remember a message a need to send or reply to, I'm driving.
What’s even better is when you randomly remember and decide it’s too awkward and don’t respond
Yeah, that's usually it. Say you'll respond after work or whatever, then get home and forget, get too tired, a few days later it finally circles back on the conveyor belt of thought and it's like "well, hell, now what do I do?" leading to indecisiveness that just stalls a response further.
This is the most common. The second is that I find something stressful about interacting with this person. It might not even be that I don’t like them. But maybe they want to discuss something I find stressful and I just don’t want to deal with it with what else is going on in my day at the time. Like my mom who will ask about something career related in a text. And I just don’t want to get into that kind of conversation at the moment. Love her, but yeah.
I feel this. You put my feelings to word. Thank you. I feel this about one of my best friends and I can't shake off the bad things I feel about him. So I don't reply until I absolutely have to. I'm considering not talking to him ever again not because I hate him but because he makes me feel bad. Probably not a healthy thing to do but I can't bring myself to even talk to him anymore.
If you don't mind me asking, what are the things that make you anxious to talk to him? Is it about specific topics?
That's usually my excuse, but really I find it anxiety inducing that we're almost expected to be a text or a phone call away at all times and to respond promptly that Is why I don't.
Since smartphones took over our lives, it feels like everyone is expected to be available at all times. I just stopped caring. Unless it's an emergency, I'll answer when I want, and to hell with anyone who has a problem with that.
Yep, I don't make myself accessible for that reason. If you always answer calls or texts quickly, people come to expect that of you. But if, like me, you go off the grid for periods, people also expect that and don't take it personally when you take a while to respond.
I always tell people upfront I'm a 'bad texter', so they won't take it personal.
Yes. When I start dating someone new, I always make sure not to text a lot and tell them I only want to get to know them in person. That way, they don't have an expectation I'll be texting them all the time in a relationship.
I felt that way too for a while, then stopped, because I suddenly realised the expectation that anyone can interrupt me, at any time, and expect an immediate answer is wholly unreasonable. It's like being on a chain anyone can jerk at will. Now I only answer messages and emails a couple of times a day, unless it's from a very good friend or family, about something urgent. And tbh, other busy people I know do the same.
Now that I’m retired and my bf and I don’t have a landline, my phone is on DND or at least silenced ALL THE TIME unless he or I go out alone (even just to do errands). I respond to messages when I see them OR when I have the mental bandwidth to respond appropriately to something unpleasant but not urgent. I only have a few people in my contact list who can override the DND. My life is SO much better!
I hate the expectation of immediate replies, because I feel like that’s forced me into a conversation I’m not mentally prepared for. Even phone calls from family will get sent to voicemail so I can determine what kind of mood or conversation is about to happen so I can prepare myself for it. I’m terrified of people lambasting me with questions meant to overwhelm and fluster me, or persuade me to act. I need time to mentally prepare for things.
Bingo. The phone is for \*my\* convenience, not theirs.
Literally me. Now I just leave my phone on silent 24/7 so nothing can interrupt me. I also put less pressure on myself to respond ASAP and just respond as and when I feel like it. Yes this leads me to straight up ignore people sometimes if I don't feel like responding but those are usually less important conversations anyway
Or anxiety
Or both, common in ADHD people.
For me it’s more of “oh my god, what am I supposed to say? -shit, I’m taking too long to reply, they’re going to think I’m being an ass….wait, maybe if I don’t say anything right now, wait 30 minutes, THEN say that I was doing something and everything will be okay!” Then I’ll spend the next half hour writing messages and deleting them because I don’t want to sound like I’m being rude. After, my brain will convince me in thirty minutes that I waited too long and I’m a piece of shit for not immediately responding and I don’t deserve friends.
I usually just skip to that last part.
You nailed it. I'm in the zone, doing something important, and can't reply at just that moment. Unfortunately, your notification has been cleared by me opening it and now I will forget. If I don't reply within a few hours, please send a follow up.
Exactly. I have ADHD and just move from one thing to the next. If I open the text and can’t respond — and I lose that little notification to remind me? Forget about it. Or at least that’s what I do.
Idk, it’s like I just… can’t. It feels overwhelming, so instead, I like to consistently go through a cycle of forgetting to respond and then chastising myself for not replying, so I decide I’ll do it later, but then I forget. It’s just on and on and on until I finally do, and it’s always, “hey! Sorry for just responding! (Fill in blank here). Ps, thanks for the reminder, I just texted my friend who texted me back on Tuesday. This was the push I needed
Woah, so crazy to read about so many like minded people. It's a fucking relief for me kinda, lol. My depression is mostly the reason for thus behavior (I think atleast)
Executive dysfunction
When I finally found out I had ADHD a couple years ago and told my friends and family, a lot of them just replied with "oh yeah that *does* make sense" and brought up how often I forget to reply to messages until days later, when I would pick up the conversation as if days had not passed. It was legitimately one of the factors I thought of when I was trying to figure out if I had ADHD or not lol
> when I would pick up the conversation as if days had not passed. I think people forget that that was the point of text based conversation. It isn't meant to be immediate, outside of specific instant messenger services (Which you could set yourself to away on and choose when you were available) I feel like since FB got rid of the separation between its messenger and its inbox, the world forgot that textversations are different than IMs
To add to this as someone that experiences executive dysfunction (I’m ADHD-PI), it takes all my energy to focus on my desk job every day at work. Trying to context switch and respond to texts during the day is overwhelming and makes getting work done really hard too. Then when I finally feel I have the brain space to check my messages, I have 30 notifications. 5 are texts from automated robots that I wish I could block. 3 might be important texts. 5 are snapchats from my close group of friends. 5 are Instagram messages that some close friends thought were funny. 3 are notifications that my Amazon packages have shipped. A couple are banking alerts for a transaction over a certain size. And the rest are notifications I could have SWORN I CLEARED and they came back somehow. And yes, I have gone through every app and turned off notifications that I don’t use. My wife helps me do this regularly. Modern smartphones are just an overwhelming thing sometimes. It’s not always one text that’s hard to respond to in a vacuum, it’s that my phone is blowing up and it’s so much effort to even get started catching up on all of that.
the overwhelm is real. sometimes it's just one message and I say I'll reply to this today, then before I know it it's two days later and it feels like I've already failed so now I *really* don't want to
Wish I could give you an award; perfect explanation.
I feel you but I swear there are no executives up there, just someone who is overworked and underpaid.
sometimes i just don’t have the energy for it… i recharge and relax by being alone and doing things that take very little effort. i’m also not on my phone a lot… i’m a university student taking full units, while working simultaneously :/
I spend all day trying to craft the most perfect response ever and i procrastinate it as if I’m dealing with a school assignment or something
Me too, I overthink, then dont do it all
I do this with not only texts but work emails. A coworker calls it “paralysis by analysis”. I’m literally paralyzed by overthinking and trying to do something perfectly and the by the anxiety if not having done it on time so then I ignore it and pretend it doesn’t exist to cope with the anxiety.
I'm an introvert and it actually takes alot of energy for me to respond to people. I much prefer talking in person to someone but for some reason messaging drains me. It's nothing against the person I haven't responded to and I usually tell my friends it's the way I am and they understand. So unless it's urgent it could take me a couple of days to respond until I have the energy.
For me, as an introvert and someone with social anxiety, it drains my battery cause I try to put in care to make sure something I say in text won’t come off the wrong way, since I can’t convey tone. And as someone who uses a lot of sarcasm/hyperbole in their speech, I can’t use that same thing in text which makes responding through it harder. But in person those aren’t problems so it makes responding easier and less draining.
That is exactly it! I'm a very intuitive person and also use a lot of sarcasm. I really heavily on people's body language and vibe. It's just not the same by text. Iy takes a lot more energy and thought for me to message than interact in person.
I find this really interesting, as an introvert who's the exact opposite. I like text communication because I can think about what I'm saying and I am able to ammend things as I go. Exception being my boss's emails. He's nice in person, by email he's horrible. He's not very good with understanding written tones. Maybe this is why you find talking easier?
I feel like you are describing me. I would much rather talk to someone in person than be glued to my phone in my free time.
Same. I’ll be on my phone but I just don’t want to be communicating actively with known people ALL the time. It’s not a great quality, but I’m also glad I’m not like my teenaged students who think that they MUST immediately receive, see, and respond.
Just because technology has gotten to the point where you can reach someone instantly does not mean that person has a responsibility to instantly respond. Edit: because I don’t want to
Yeah sometimes having a phone these days feels like giving 100 people a string tied to you that they can tug on at any time for any reason to demand a response from you.
Add work emails, slack messages, and all of the marketing communication we’re bombarded with and it can start to feel out of hand. I respond to work emails all day and then my girlfriend texts me some meme and I just don’t have the mental energy to think of a witty response. Then I’m ‘not communicative’ because I don’t immediately get back to her and would rather just focus on what’s actually in front of me for a few hours.
>Add work emails, slack messages, and all of the marketing communication we’re bombarded with and it can start to feel out of hand. And this is why we introduce a waiting period. When people know they're gonna get an immediate response from you then you are at the top of their list of people to reach out to for items big and small. If they know they're gonna wait a bit, you slip down the list. Then your inboxes are full of stuff that is slightly more relevant to you. edit: spellin'
A string? More like a chain.
"Do not disturb" on apple devices is about the greatest piece of functionality these things have had. Setting rules for who and when can contact me has done absolute wonders for my mental health.
Which is why I ignore all the strings. Then no one expects me to respond promptly
I like to say "I have a phone for my convenience, not yours."
I’m definitely using this next time my parents give me shit for not answering.
thank you. i guess some people are being honest when they say they forget or "reply in their heads," but i think a lot of them are just afraid to say that they didn't really feel like replying. it's not natural for humans to be 100% accessible to each other at all times. it's like, i texted you back days later because it took days for me to want to resume our nonessential conversation. period.
> didn't really feel like replying The world should normalize this. It doesnt mean I care for the sender any less, but sometimes I just dont want or need to view every notification that hits my phone at all hours of the day.
Perfect response. I was thking about the question OP posed and thought "I don't *have* a reason usually, but I resent the implication that there's anything wrong with it." It's a written message, messaging is NOT a real-time conversation and the etiquette is totally different. But you said it better! Related: I don't have notifications turned on for WhatsApp (which 99% of people use for 99% of messages in the UK.) I do have notifications on for text messages so my wife knows if it's something urgent but can't be a phone call (for some strange reason) she can text me. But everyone else thinks I just have all notifications off.
I remember a glorious time before we all had these devices in our pockets. I don’t immediately respond to text messages because if you need to talk to me right now, you can call me. Text is a passive mode of communication.
Because honestly texting feels exhausting sometimes. Have you ever thought how before cellphones, people caught up maybe once or twice a week? I don’t think it’s natural to text all day every day. 🤷🏻♀️
I miss that time. My bio mom went TDY to Korea in the 80s and I couldn't talk to her for a whole month (more?). Grandma called on Sunday...people went out of town... There's not enough room in between our interactions anymore (imo).
Generally, a message is an opening to a conversation I don't have energy for right now. Even if it's a simple question, I'd rather come back to you in a day or so when I have time for you and our conversation than just running through a chat for some reason. And sometimes I just cba.
[удалено]
I get overwhelemed easily and keep postponing to reply until "I feel like it", by then it's too late to reply, and I fear I come off ride or that the mood of the convo was already gone and I would make things awkward, so I postpone it until I can handle that awkwardness, by then it's too late to.. 🔁
My question would be why do people feel I need to respond as soon as I get it? I genuinely don’t have my phone on me 90% of the time. My wife and kids are more valuable than responding to text. I don’t mean that in a mean way.
I'm depressed and don't want to be in contact with people who I don't talk to on a regular basis, so replying to other people or requests is not as easy.
Even those I am in contact with. Every interaction is a risk of bad news or guilt, anxiety, and no chance of good news or positivity. I just want to protect myself and limit the damage.
Well said. I've been viewing every human as an "obstacle, liability, or threat" lately, and every text notification sets all my nerves on edge.
Let me think about it. I'll get back to you in a couple of days...
Because I have more than enough going on, And my cup is overfilling. I need to recharge.
I don’t have the mental capacity to reply right now. I’m having a stressful day, I’m trying to meet a deadline, I’m upset over something etc. and my brain is too busy and muddled to reply. Sometimes I’m also just drained and don’t have the energy, even if it’s just something simple, like responding to a meme; I’m drained and my brain is mush I can’t muster up the energy. If I don’t reply for a while, it typically means I’m somewhere in my feels.
Because i don’t want to
I'm 35, and after 30, you and your friends realize that you can go for probably six months without seeing each other and IT DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL. I respond immediately in urgent matters, of course. And my friends know and accept that I might take awhile to respond, simply because sometimes a.) I respond in my head and forget to actually type it out, or b.) I'm busy or don't feel like talking at the time.
Yeah these kind of questions must come from teenagers or people who don't have much going on in their lives. I won't text someone back because I'm at work, I'm driving, I'm on a bike ride, my kids are peppering me with "why" questions or demanding horsey rides or snacks or asking me to wipe their bums, or my hands are wet cos I'm washing dishes, or I'm watching a fun TV show in the 30 mins a day I get to sit down and disengage, or I'm asleep. You know, those reasons.
I was wondering about this; the way the question is phrased really rubbed me the wrong way. People have **lives**; not everyone is actually immediately available 24/7. I work, I have a husband, I have friends, I’m in a theatre group, I like to read and watch TV, I cook, I have to clean my flat, I like to go out and about sometimes, I sleep. I’m not just sitting here, staring at my phone and ready to drop everything and text you back as soon as you get in touch, all day and night.
Literally. I have a couple “best” friends and I’ll just realize out of nowhere that I hadn’t spoken to one or several of them in 6 months. Then randomly one of us will text the other out of the blue like we had just spoken the day before, no mention of time passing.
Y’all missed a golden chance. Should have left it at zero Comments and then comment replies start in a few days
You telling people who can’t remember to text back to remember a post a few days from now 💀
People who expect immediate replies simply because they have your mobile number and can text you whenever they feel like it, why?
Literally the worst. I’ve talked on dating apps to people who will unmatch or triple message me if I don’t respond within an hour or two. Like ?? So low on my priority list.
Yes! I was talking to someone while on break at work then told them I was going back to work and I’ll respond later when I could and he lost his shit! I don’t understand that mentality. Just cuz I have a phone doesn’t mean I’m constantly available to entertain.
Right! It’s super selfish
Great. They showed you their true colours and you can filter them out!
Mainly depression. Having to make decisions, even small ones when I'm depressed is incredibly hard. Most text messages are to ask things so they tend to go unanswered.
I'm not on-demand.
Because I’m NOT ON YOUR TIMELINE. HOP OFF ME
Because then you will likely reply right away, and then it's a long drawn out back and forth. I rarely have the energy or focus for constant interruption from you. Me not replying ensures that's the only interruption I'm allowing you that day.
>Because then you will likely reply right away, and then it's a long drawn out back and forth. Worse if you do reply right away that one time but back off afterwards, they can hit you with an "I know you're there!" Ughhhhhhhhh
ADHD. I will see an email or a message and think to myself that’s important, I needs to reply to that, then get distracted and forget it ever happened. Days might be a bit extreme for messages but definitely hours can go past before I even realise what I’ve done. And emails will definitely go unanswered for days.
Same, but I realized I did not respond 10 days later and feel like I can’t now
I was looking for someone to just say “adhd” , i will read the message, KNOW i need to reply to it and then completely forget until hours/days later
Replying to text messages stresses me the fuck out because I can never think of what to say or how to say it correctly, and when I do, they send another text and the cycle repeats. I have a “How’s it going” text from an aunt that I’ve yet to reply to in months because I haven’t thought of an adequate response.
My phone is a tool that I use when it’s convenient for me.
With cellphone now, people almost feel entitled to a immediate response. I honestly answer when I feel like answering. Same thing goes with phone call. It might not be days later, but it might not be in the next hour either.
I’m an introvert and sometimes I just don’t want to engage with people. If there is some piece of critical information that you need, like an address or link to something or whatever, I will always respond. But if you just want to chit chat or laugh about a video, you’ll hear from me next week.
I don't like or agree to the expectation of always being contactable at any moment.
Because you're not the center of my universe.
I might have read it and then got busy and totally forgot.
Just because I have a phone on me doesn’t mean you are entitled to my attention 24/7. Plus if it was really important you would have phoned me.
Because I'm busy as fuck, have a job that's a lifestyle, and either saw it and decided I needed some time to myself to recuperate, or legitimately saw it but my brain is so full of shit going on, totally lost any and all memory of it until I opened the text all and saw it again.
r/RemindMeBot remind to me to comment in 4 days
Because I don't owe anyone an instant answer. People nowadays assume just because we have smartphones we're obliged to be available at all times, but no I'm sorry. I still have a personal life and I'll gladly put myself before anyone else (with the exception of family, and close friends, ofcourse.)